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Falstaff's Wedding :
COMEDY
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[Price One Shilling and Six-pence.]
Falstaff's Wedding
3
COMEDY.
BEING
A Sequel to the Secone> Part of the Play OF
fUNG HENRY THE FOURTH,
Written in Imitation of Shakespeare, By Mr. KENRICK,
In magnh voluijfe fat eft.
LONDON:
Printed for J. Wilkie, in St. Paul's Church-yard ; F. Blyth, at John's CofFee-houfe near the Royal Exchange ; T. Lowndes, and W. Owen, in Fleet-ftreet ; Becket and De Hondt, in the Strand ; T. Lewis, in RufTel-flreet, Covent Garden ; J. Walter, at Charing-Crofs ; and J. Almon, in Picca- dilly, oppofite Burlington-Houfe.
M.DCC.LX.
ni3
TOM1 QJUIN,
IN RETURN FOR THE FREQUENT PLEASURE RECEIVED, BY HIS REPRESENTATION OF THE CHARACTER
OF SIR JOHN FALSTAFF;
A PLEASURE WHOSE REMEMBRANCE IS AS GRATEFUL AS SUCH REMEMBRANCE IS INDELIBLE ;
THIS ATTEMPT,
TO COPY THE GREAT ORIGINAL
WHICH HE EXHIBITED ON THE STAGE,
IS INSCRIBED,
AS AN IMPERFECT TRIBUTE TO PERFECT MERIT,
BY THE AUTHOR.
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THE
PREFACE.
•$-$"$•$-$- H E remarkable ill fucccfs of preceding ■4- T -6- imitators of Shakefpeare*, would certainly ti^| have deterred the prefent writer from re- newing the attempt, were he to be eafily diverted from a favourite object by the difficulties attending its purfuit. But, having long fince adopted the Motto* In magnis 'uoluijje fat eft, the arduoufnefs of the task is only an additional incentive to his perfeverance.
As to the prefent performance, however, it muft, not be fuppofed that he prefumes to think it will in the fmalleft degree contribute to deprive his great matter of that honour, which is fo juftly and peculiarly his due -3 viz. that of being truly inimitable. Had there been the leaft room, indeed, for fufpecting the author of fuch a defign, the profound reverence and efteem which he bears to the memory of Shakespeare, would have induced him rather to commit his ma- nufcript to the flames than to the prefs : for, how- ever roughly he may have cropt the bays, which have
* A very eminent writer hath feverely ridiculed thefe imitations, by faying that the beft he ever faw, had copied Shakefpeare only in the following line.
And fo good mcrrew to you, good majifr lieutenant.
A 2 been
v The PREFACE.
been proftituted to grace the temples of the living, he will never deface, with unhallowed hands, the lau- relled buffs of the dead.
on 3R0
The truth is, this little piece was a juvenile per- formance, written fo long ago as the year 175 J, when the author was young and giddy enough to amufe himfelf in a (luffed doublet, before a private audience> with an attempt at a perfonal reprefentation of the hu- mours of Sir John FalftafF. How he performed his part was then, and is now, of no confequence j how far he might enter into the fpirit of his author, may poffibly be gathered from a perufal of the following fheets, containing the refult of thofe impreffions> which the finking excellencies of the character then left on his mind.
fd-girr.
Were the author poiTefled of that ridiculous mock- modefty, on which it is the famion for modern au- thors to pique themfelves, he might affect to treat this work as the paultry jeu d'efprit of his boyilh, days, unworthy of his prefent notice,, or that of the publick. But, if he really thought it fo, he would have acted otherwife with regard to its publication : for though he mould be forty the prefent object of his fludies were not more ufefui and important, yet he mull frankly own that,if he was afliamed of hav- ing written this little performance, he mould be equally afliamed of offering it to the publick. An hour's en- tertainment,, for a reader of tafie and judgment, is not always at hand, much lefs concomitant with no-
velff
The PREFAC E. v
velty. If the writer, therefore, by having agree- ably arnufeet himfelf a few days, may contribute to one hour's amufement of fuch a reader, it is the utmoft he expects or delires from this publication.
It is prefumed, alfo, that his favourable opinion of it, will not be thought altogether founded on felf-fufficiency, when the reader is informed that one of the beft judges of Shakefpeare now living, has declared it to contain cc a very good imitation <{ of Shakefpeare, particularly in the character of
« Falftaff."
onivA •
This was Mr. Garrick -, whofe letter now lies be- fore me — not a letter written to the author (for in this polite and complimenting age fuch teftimony might juftly be deemed equivocal) but a letter written on this fubjecl: above fix years ago, to one of Mr. G's acquaintance, whom the author neither knows, nor hath ever feen -j~. - '
Several of the writer's friends, indeed, have con- ceived this piece might be brought with fuccefs on the itage; for which, however, it never was plan- ned nor intended * j having been written as a kind of
3 poetical
f R. B. £fq; as the author was informed by capt. M — — , who gave him Mr. G's letter.
* The author being (o far of opinion with Dr. Johnfon, that, notwith Handing the many excellencies with which Shakefpeare's: plays abound, there is not one of them perhaps, which, if we take it all together, would go down with an audience, if reprefented a** a. new performance. — Mr. Garrick appeared alio to be of the fame s . • opinion j
Ti The PRE FACE.
poetical exercife, which the author had prefcribed to himfelf, and of which he was by no means vain . well knowing that an indifferent writer may iome-
times be lucky in his imitation of the beft.
. . i
That he was fincere in thefe fentiments, he thinks fufficiently evinced by keeping his piece in manu- fcript nine years, and even permitting it to re- main fix years in the bookfeller's warehoufe after if was printed. Nor would it even now have made ft appearance, might it not ferve in fome meafure to corroborate what the author hath elfewhere affeftedi with regard to his Review of Dr. John/on s Shake- Jfieare, viz. that that editor muft impute the fevere chaftifement he hath received, not to any r motives' of perfdnal refentment againit him, but to an ?rithu- fiaftic veneration for Shakefpeare, long ago enkindled
and ftill glowing; with unremitted ardour. Sasoaingrfj ° rtJsd i9j
To clofe with a word or two to the critics. The author forefaw that thefe mice would neceffaiily bfe nibbling; he hath therefore, purpofely left fome rotten holes in the cheefe, that the poor little ani- mals may be kept doing j for, coniidering them as real objects of pity, he would by no means have them ftarve for want of employment.
opinion; obferving in his letter abovementioned, that there would be fomerifque in bringing onfo many of Shakefpeare's known cha- jaclers in a new piece. — It is on this circumftance, however, that the merit of the imitation in a great degree depends ; fo that to have altered it for the ftage would have in a great meafure perverted the defign of writing it.
He
e F REFAC E. vii
He would not have them plume themfelves, how- «ver, fo immoderately as they fometimes do, on- their, prowefs and penetration, at the cafual detection of a maggot or the incidental deftruction of a mite.
The reader may poffibly think it a fault that the author hath in fome places copied the blemifhes of Shakefpeare ; but if he hath fucceeded in any degree in hitting off his beauties, he hopes he fhall ftand excufed, even fuppofing him miftaken in conceiving fuch blemifhes necefiary to preferve the fimilitude of the imitation. What limner, who piques himfelf on drawing an exact likenefs, would omit a diffinguifh- ing mole or freckle, tho' not altogether agreeable to the fight, or compatible with fymmetry and beauty ?
'But, if, after all, the publick mould think the wri- ter hath thrown his time away upon an infignificant Subject, I protefl againft their prefent decifion, and appeal— to the fame public, when lefs intoxicated witb the fumes of modern criticifm, and better difpofed to do iuflice to the immortal genius of Shakespeare.
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DRAMATIS PERSON!,
King Henry the Fifth.
^■Gloucester, •* Dukes of .5 Bedford, (Brothers to the King, CClarence, J
Dukes of | J°ERTK£'R5 ^Uncles to the King,
Archbifhop of Canterbury, The Pope's Legate. Lord Scroop of Masham. The Earl of Cambridge. Sir Thomas Grey. Sir John Falstaff. Juftice Shallow. Mafter Slender. Pleadwell, a Lawyer. Mithridate, a Doctor.
Fathers< T AUL' f two Friars.
^Lawrence, 5
Bardolph.
Pistol.
Peto,
Francis.
Dame Ursula, afterwards Lady Falstaff.
Eleanor Poins, quondam Miftrefs to the King. Hoftefs Quickley. Dol Tearsheet.
Bifhops, Lords, Officer, Page, Guards, and Attendants,
WVvVvVvVVvVv)
FALSTAFF's WEDDING,
■ A C T I. § C E N E I.
A Street in Westminster, <■-,...-. -
On the Day of the Coronation of King Henry the Fifth,
Enter Sir John Falstaff, folns*
FSR?I^ H A T a fcurvy quarter is this ? Not a bufh, ^sl 3o£. ^ or a blind Cupid, in the neighbourhood ! y^v W Jf^ 'fblood, my legs will fail me e're I reach a 13$ IF*" m taVem* phoo—Pno°— lt is fome comfort, V&jF^j?3eJl( however, I efcap'd being fuffocated. The -. green-apron'd rafcals, crowding after the
jjroceffion, had well nigh made an end of me;
SCENE III Enter Bardolph.
Bar. O, Sir John, I'm glad I have found ye. I was in the fearfulleft quandary for you in the world. I hope your honour has got no hurt.
Fal. Not its death's wound, I hope ; though Hal, in- deed, look'd fomewhat cold upon me.
Bar. Cold, Sir John! I am a-fear'd we mail be in limbo fhortly : for my Lord-chief-juftice
Fal. Hold thy ill-omen'd croaking. If faithful fer- vices are thus requited, I will turn cordwainer ; yea, cob- ler, and heel-piece old fhoes, ere I have to-do with blood- royal again. Ingratitude ! I hate it.
Bar, To be fure, Sir John, what you fay is right ; for* as the long fays, ingratitude is worfe than the fin of witch^ craft. But I hop'd your honour got no perfonable harm
B iri
2 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
in the mob': you- was carried off the terras, for all the world, like a dnnghil from Mill-bank by a fpring-tide.
Fal. Bardolph, thou haft the moll filthy way of making comparifons ; the moll villainous firmles. Let me have no more of them.
Bar. Why, they fay, indeed, comparifons are odorous Sir John.
Fal. Thine, however, are unfavoury enough. But I am ill at eafe, and more difpos'd to fpleen than merriment. I prythee, look out, and lee if there be a bawdy-houfe at hand.
Bar. What here, fo near the court, Sir John ?
Fal. W"here better ? 'Sblood, doft think there are no whores at Court ? Are there no dames of honour ? Dofb think Hal hath bamfn'd them too ? Look out, look out.
Bar. I will, Sir John. [Exit Bardolph.
SCENE III.
Sir John Fal staff, folus.
I would I were in Eaft-cheap. Mine hoftefs hath a moil excellent cordial ; and I never flood in more need of it than now. I he grofs indignity Hal hath put on me, flicks in my throat ; and, in the end, may go near to choak me. I mall never gulp it down : that's fiat : unlefs, indeed, a full cup of fherris help to clear the way. And then, how I lhall ftomach it ; how I mall digeft it, heaven knows." At prefent, both my perfon and knighthood are in jeopardy •, my Lord-chief-juilice, to whole care I am commended, holding me not altogether in good liking. But no matter — if I am to be provided for, what avails it who is my caterer ? I could wilh, neverthelefs, old white wine flood higher in his Lordfhip's favour ; that I may not be Hinted at table,, or in my by-drinkings. I like not fuch fplenetick temperaments ; fuch phlegmatick conflitutions ; grey-beards, that never fympathize with the wants of young men, or make proper ail wances for their continual
wafte of radical moifture. 'Sblood, I am as fore and as
melancholy as a blind horfe in a mill. Bardolph ! where
a plague art thou gotten to, caterwauling ?
SCENE
FALSTAFF's WEDDING; 3
SCENE IV. Enter Mrs. Quickly and Doll Tearsheet.
Quick. O, Sir John Falftaff !
Doll. O, fweet Sir John !
Fal. How ! mine hoftefs, and my good veftal Mrs. Tearfheet ! fave ye gentlewomen both, good-morrow.
Host. Godild ye, Sir John — well I vow and proteft an I didn't fay he would take as civil notice of his old ac- quaintance : nay, tho'f he was created my lord-mayor of London.
Doll. What talk ye of lord-mayors and fufty citi- zens, goffip Quickly ? Sir John is a courtier, and to be fure we mull gratulate him now as one of the greateft knights in the nation. — O fweet Sir John I — ■
Fal. Truce with your formalities, Mrs Dorothy. It is true, indeed, 1 am one of the biggeft knights in the kingdom — but, pray, have you {cen none of our fol- lowers by the way ? Piftol, nor Peto !
Quick. No verily, Sir John, not one. — We have feen nothing of any of them to day. They are all gone to the coronation, I warrant ; and indeed we mould have been there too, hadn't it been for that wicked villain, conftable Fang, that, by a miftake of the beadle of our ward, would have carried us to Bridewel this morning.
Fal. How ! mine hoftefs and my fair Dorothy to Bridewel !
Quick. Even to Bridewel I can afTure ye.
Fal. But how ; how ? dame Quickly to Bridewel ! a decent church-going widow and a modeft maiden, I mould fay, fingle gentlewoman, to a houfe of correction ! why, what ■
Quick. So Ifaid, Sir John. Nuthook, Nuthook, fays I, do you know what you do, fays I ? — Have me to Bride- wel, fays I, — I fay to Bridewel indeed ! a ruptable houfe- keeper, that has paid fcot and lot, and born the burthen of half the parifh any time thefe twenty years.
Fal. That thou haft, hoftefs ; of the male half, I'll be fworn for thee,
B 2 Quick.
4 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Quick. Befides, fays I, do you know Sir John Fal- ftaff? fays I. — Touch a hair of Mrs. Dorothy's head,fays I,' and Sir John will make you fmart for it, fays I, ev'ry bone in your fkin, fays I.
Fal. And what laid the rafcal to that ?
Quick. Said, Sir John ! he ftood mumchanre, and fpoke never a living fyllable, but fet his vinegar- vifag'd catch-poles upon us ; who fattened their claws into Mrs. Tearfheet's beft kirtle, and tore it into as many rents and tatters, as there were in the old tapeftry hangings I pawri'd- to fit your honour out for the laft expedition.
FAL.Pmaw!
Dol. Yes indeed, Sir John made a mere tatterderhal- lion of me. But we did fo tongue the leather-earM vul- tures
Fal. That they were glad to loofe their gripe to get rid
of you, I fuppofe.
Quick. Nay, Sir John, I was oblig'd to perduce ah
angel to convince them we were not the parties indicTied;
gFALj Infidel rogues ! would nothing lefs than the tefti-
mony of an angel convince them ?
' Quick. Ay I knew how Sir John would take it. O,
how foundly will the knave conftable be fwing'd for this!
a jack-in-office rafcal ! we mail cure the blue-fkin'd run-
nion of his itch for whipping, I warrant ye.
mid io»
SCENE V.
Re-enter Bardolph. q.
Bard. I have been looking all about, Sir John, bat I cannot find one.
Quick. What is it Sir John wants, Mr- Bardolph?
Bar. A bawdy-houfe, miflrefs.
Quick. O Jefu-Maria ! Mrs. Dorothy.
Fal. How, firrah V did not I fend thee to look out for a houfe of civil entertainment, where I might repofe my- felf after my fatigue ? What, you rogue, would you make of me, here, before thefe fuperabundantly-virtuous gen- tlewomen ? ■
Qvick. Yes, indeed, Sir John, and fo to be fure we Are : for, in goodiboth, no-body need be afham'd of their
civilities
:
FAL STAFF'S WEDDING. 5
trivilities to your honour's knighthood. And as to a houfe of civil entertainment, Sir John •, here is one hard by, where the knights and lords, and all the great gen- tlemen of the court, are entertained, both by night and by day, as civilly as at their own homes ; and by gentle- women as kind to them, I warrant ye, as their own ladies themfelves. — A houfe of civil entertainment, a bawdy- houfe truly ! Why, I keep a houfe of civility myfelf, and I would have you to know Mr. Bardolph
Bar. Nay, nay, 'tis all one: what Sir John pleafes.
Quick. Yes, by my truly, and fo I think it ought, for if Sir John recommends you to the king.
D-ol. Nay, were I Sir John, I'm fure I would never promote fuch a clown as Bardolph at court,
Bar. Ah ! Do], Dol, I am afraid our promotion will be at the gallows. If Sir John has any interefl with the hang- man, he may get me preferr'd, perhaps, to the top of the ladder.
Dol. Why, how now, varlet ?
Quick. Do you hear? do you hear, fweet Sir John?
Fal. Ay heftefs, Bardolph is ibmewhat blunt : but, as •for the king
Quick. Heav'ns blefs him ! a fweet young prince he was \ and, to be fure, a gracious king he is. But what of him, Sir John ?
Fal. Why, marry, — hang him, hoftefs— Treafon mull out as well as murder.
Quick. I am'maz'd Sir John ; why, how is this ? what a goodnefs ! when — where —
Dol. How is this, good Bardolph ?
Fal. Why, I will tell ye how it is. That fame un- grateful, fneaking, pitiful ralcal, we are fpeaking of, is turn'd fanatick.
Quick. Fanatick ! the king a fanatick !
Fal. Ay, fanatick, prefbyter, bifhop, if you will. Let his crown be his mitre ; I care not.
Dol. We don't take your meaning, Sir John.
Fal. You muft know then, Dol, that after having, in pure love and affection, ridden poft day and night four- feore and odd miles, to congratulate him on his acceflion, and-condole with him on his father's death •, inftead of
B 3 bidding
6 FA LS T AFF's WEDDING.
bidding me welcome to court, he preach'd me my own funeral fermon.
Quick. A funeral fermon !
Fal. Ay, hoftefs: for at the end of his difcourfe he order'd me to be buried alive, at ten miles diftance from the court. And, to make this unnatural interment the furer, he has appointed my Lord-chief-jullice his under- taker, to fee to the diipofal of my corpfe.
Quick. Buried aiive, quoth he ! what, what is in all this ?
Fal. In plain terms, dame Quickly, your gracious king hath baniflfd me the prefence -, and, till he grows a gracelefs prince again, I am forbidden to approach his perfon, within ten miles, on penalty of being hang'd. Take ye me now ? "Quick. O Jelu ! is it poffitable ? |
Dol. Ah, ha ! is it fo r fits the wind in that quarter ?
Quick. Well, as I am an honeft woman, who would have thought it ? it is a world to lee !
Dol. And fo, Sir John is in difgrace ; Hill plain Jack Falflaff and one of us ! ha ! ha ! ha ! poor blown Jack !
Quick. A fad difappointment, indeed, Sir John ! but, in good faith, things fall out fo odd, and the world goes fo wrong, and the times are fo hard •, that here, there, why, no longer ago now than yefterday, was I obliged to p'ay the lord- knows- what-all away for one thing or other : ,and then my misfortune to day ; an angel to the conftables -% and befide this comes the day after to morrow, when I mud make up a f#m for the wine-merchant : wherefore if your honour would but difcharge your fcore in Eaft-cheap -t becaufe, as why, your honour knows
Fal. How's this, dame Quickly ?
Quick.' Becaufe, I fay, as why, your honour knows, feventy odd pound is a great deal of money for a poor widow woman to lofe.
Fal. What talk you of Iofmg, hoftefs ?
Quick. True, Sir John, as you lay, to be fure, I mall not be willing to lofe it : for the law is open, and I know whichw^togetmyrnorny.
; boorbrlgin>i yrn to^jon S-Mjoriori ^rum mt *
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 4
i
Pal. I am glad thou doft hoftefs : as in that cafe I need, not give myfelf the trouble to. pay. thee... The law is open, fay 'ft thou ? Ay, like a moufe-trap, on the catch for nib- bling clients. Enter thy action, and I will hold thee- a. gallon of fack, thy departed hufband will get out of pur-% gatory ere thou out of the hands of thy lawyer. . -lCj)
Quick. Nay, Sir John, you need not twit me upon that. You need not fling my poor hufband's foul in. my teeth. He has not been gone fo long ; tho* for the mat- ter of that, he might have been in heav'n before now, hadn't I lent you the money Mr. Dumb fhould have had to fay maffes for him. Yes, Sir John, you have put into that great belly of yours what mould have got my poor hufband out of purgatory, and now you reproach me for. it. Had he been ftill alive you would not have us'dhis difconfolate widow thus. You wouldn't. Sir John.
Fal. No, I'll be fworn \ mould not.
Quick. Well then, Sir John, out of charity, if it were nothing elfe, you ought to repay the money. Nay, if yon don't, I'll pray night and day that you may be haunted by his ghoft. Heav'n reft his foul. I would he might fiever fleep quietly in his grave, till he has made you pay me.
Fal. Go to, thou art a. foolifh woman: with good words thou may it be paid.
Qujck. No, Sir John, good words will not do. I muft have money Sir John. The priefts won't get a foul out; of purgatory without money.. Befides, Sir John, good words are no payment, I can get no body to take them : good words will not do with me.
Fal. Well, well, I fay you may be paid — —
Quick. May! Sir John, I muft.— You have, thus muffled off and on me, a good while; but I muft, I muft be paid, I muft- ..,., _ ,., '.,
Fal. Heieh! heigh ! wilt thou raife the neighbourhood upon us ? If thou art clamorous, I will have thee duck'd in the Thames, for a bawd. What, a-plague, art thou drunk ? A good-natur'd wench, as thou art,, if it were not for thy fhrill tongue and vixen humours. On the ho- nour of my knighthood thou fhalt be paid. Doft thou, doubt mine honour ?
Quick.
8 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Quick. Why, Sir John, to be fure, no- body woukf fcruple to confide in your honour's honour : but then you know Sir John (no-body better) what honour is. It will buy neither coals nor candles ; nor will my landlord take it for rent, nor the merchant for fack or fherry. But would you give me only the half in money, and leave the reft to honour •, fo that a body might keep open houle, Sir John. That would be doins; fomething.
Fal. Nay, if thou wilt be advis'd, I will do more for thee. — Bardolph ! forget not to go (when I fend thee; to the cafhier, with whom I left a thoufand pound this morn- ing, and tell him to fatisfy Mrs. Quickly forthwith.
Quick. A thoufand pound !
Fal. The times are not fo bad, hoftefs (thanks to our friend Shallow; but we may yet have a merry bout in Eaft- cheap. — How fays my Dol ?
Dol. Nay, you know, fweet Jack, I was always at your pleafure there.
Quick. That I will fay for her, and a fweeter-natur'd better hearted creature never lay by the fide of a true man. But, goodnefs heart! why do we tarry here, when Sir John complain'd of his being fatigued, and was looking tor a houfe of civil entertainment ? I will ihew you the way incontinently, Sir John.
Fal. I thank thee, hoftefs ; I am now fomewhat re- cruited, and will endeavour to reach Eaftcheap. And yet a cup of fack, by the way, I think, would not be amifs. Let us in. [Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
A Gallery in the Royal Palace.
Enter Earl of Cambridge and Lord Scroop of Mamam,
meeting. Scroop. My lord of Cambridge ! wherefore doft thou leave The prefence thus, to fkulk in holes and corners ; Indulging thy ungovernable fpleen ? Mv life for't, ere 'tis long thoul't be obferv'd : King Harry muft be blind he does not mark The clouds of trealbn low'ring on your brow.
By
\
F A L ST A F F ' s W vE D D IN G. B §
py jieav'n your heart's feen' plainly in your face.1 Rebellion threatens in your very looks, jpaft off thofe frowns, for lhame ; and wear a fmileyoiui As if not Henry, but yourfelf were king. -n vod
Cam. Now, by th' immortal Edward's honoured fhade^ I cannot do't. This pomp of coronation Hath fet my ftirring fpirit's up in arms. I'm flung with fcorpions that I tamely fuffer This limb of the dead tyrant Bolingbroke T5 ufurp the throne of my wife's brother, Mortimer. - Deriv'd from Clarence, the third Edward's fon,
" \\ n ft ^Q ft f
Whofe birth preceeded that of John of Gaunt •, *Tis clear, in'point of right, that Richard's death Left him the faireft title to the throne •, : And mall he live, fecluded from the light,
To breathe the dank dews of unwholefome prifohs To wafte the flow'ring feafon of his days, Coop'd up within a nook of fix foot fpace, Of all that kingdom to the which he's heir r No, by the blood of York, that fills my veins, ■I'll right him yet. He yet mail be a king.
Scroop. Soft, Cambridge, foft — ftone walls at court have ears. Know'ft thou not that ? I :hate as much as thou The tyrant houfe of Lancafter. But, ftay ; We are not, yet in Hate to pull it down : To ihake it were at peril of our heads. Remember Percy, Worcefter, Haftings, Scroop, And others, the firft nobles in the land, That idly perilh'd in this defperate caufe. Blood hath already been too" freely fhed .In this ftill thirfty quarrel : fhall we raife The deeping axe to fall but on ourfelves ? No, be; thou, wary, cheriihing thy hate No more than is confident with thy fafety.
Cam. I Cannot bear to fee this truant youth Thus difappoint our boldeft expectations. It pours Cold water on my fmoth'ring hopes,
That blaz'd at the deceaie of hated Bolingbroke. *~* • .wold mo^-'no g< - ftoi h -
7g Scroo^
io FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Scroop. Had Harry prov'd the idler we expected; There had indeed been hopes for Mortimer : But now- <-
Cam. Oh ! I could go to daggers with him, To fee his grave demeanour and addrefs > But yefterday with thieves a pot-companion, The feoff and nay-word of each manly tongue. I'm all on fire, to hear his fober prate, See his mock-majefly and portly mein, So aping royalty, that all his peers Cry out in wonder of their gracious king. — Lord Scroop ofMafham, fwearthou art my friend.
Scroop. Cambridge, what now ? haft thou not found it oft ?
Cam. I have-— no more — fhall Mortimer be king ?
Scroop. With all my heart : would 'twere in Mafham's power ! But fteep and many are the fleps between His lowly cell and England's lofty throne : Steps which, at prefent, none may fafely tread. In fiience, therefore, hope for better times, And bear thee evenly till heav'n fhall fend them.
Cam. I cannot, tho' at hazard of my head, I was not form'd to play the hypocrite, Or wear a face that's foreign to my heart. Harry regards me with a friendly eye, Profufely mow'ring on me daily favours, As if he fought to win me from myfelf : Methinks I would not give him room hereafter T'upbraid my foul with that foul fin ingratitude.
Scroop. How fay'ft thou ? am not I in favour too ? But what of that ? doft think what kings beftow, Is giv'n in love ? truft me, 'tis policy •, Mere policy ! they muft be ferv'd — to you What gives king Henry more than is your own ? For well he knows, that next to Mortimer, Your wife lays claim to th' crown. — Refpecling me, Think you not Harry builds upon my fervice ? His kindnefs too may bribe me to forget A Scroop was once beheaded by his father.
But,
FAL STAFF'S WEDDING. jj
But, if I do forget it, or forgive,
May heav'n forget me in my lait diftrefs !
Cam. And yet, methinks, revenge fo deeply rooted Might make diffimulation deeply painful. For me, I know my heart's fo full of hate, That fhews of love but hurt me to the foul.
Scroop. Why what a fqueamifh confcience, lord, is thine ? Not brook hypocrify ! what elfe is made The univerfal bufinefs of mankind ? Mark but the thriving features of the world : There's not a male, of half a grain of wit, From childhood upwards, ev'n from ten to eighty, But is an arrant hypocrite. The fchool-boy, Nature whipt out of him and barefac'd honefty, Plodding with vacant ear and leaden eye, Follows the fefcue, poring o'er his book, As if he conn'd his lefTon ; while abroad His abfent mind is robbing groves and orchards, Or fcamp'ring o'er the fields, in truant play. Grown up to manhood, the hot blood of youth Urges the lultful ftripling, in the dark, To the rank flews in lanes, blind ftreets, and allies ; Whence, fkulking e're 'tis light, he dons the malk Of fobernefs demure, to cheat the day. See next the worn-out ribaud, part his labour, Scarr'd by the goujeres of his younger days ; With him hypocrify turn'd infide out, He puts the mafk on with the worft fide outwards, And chafte, perforce, hires {trumpets to abufe him. In each condition, age, and ftate of life, Thus feem men good or bad, they're fo far neither; Better or worfe they may : but all agree To dupe each other by hypocrify.
Cam. What argues this but poverty of foul ; The fheaking cowardice of narrow minds ?
Scroop. Cambridge ! we live but in a narrow world. Had individuals all the fouls of kings, This globe would be too little to contain them ; Each grafping at a kingdom for himfelf. But, art thou fo difpos'd ; to Harry — go.
Lay
y% FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Lay ope thy honeft heart, and in return,
He'll take thy head. How weak is this impatience !
I'm ev.er bound to Mortimer and thee ;
But let us not run headlong into ruin.
Fortune's a fickle miftrefs and a coy one :
Let us, attentive, wait her lucky minute :
?Tis hers to fhape occafion, ours to feize it.
Cam. Impatience! fayftthou? canft thou, Scroop, forelec A glimpfe of aught that in the womb of time May yield a fairer feafon for fuccefs ? Thou know'ft we've many Haunch and loyal friends j And what will boot delay ? revenge hath figh'd Unfatisfied too long -, and defperate ills Demand a defperate cure.
Scroop. I'll tell the what. Thou know5ft th' enormous riches of the clergv Have fet the envious barons on their backs ; "Who mean, th' enfuing parliament, to ftrip The church of half its overgrown poffeffions. This, with the late encroachments of the pope, That gall the king, as touching his prerogative, Will likely raife commotions in the realm, And form divifions, we may profit by.
Cam. As how ?
Scroop. Thou mult, by all means, chime in with the clergy; And raife an intereft in the court of Rome. Alfure the legate of your pious zeal, And that of Mortimer, to th' holy fee: Forgetting not how willing he'd have been. If England's king, to yield the nomination Of bifhops and their fpiritual hangers-on, Throughout the kingdom, to his holinefs : Hinting befide the payment of th' allegiance And tribute firft exacted of king John.
Cam. How may this fpeed ?
Scroop. The clergy on our fide, Should our young king break alio with the French, As in all likelihood he rafhly will, The (late in ferment, Rome and France our friends, Something may be attempted with fuccefs.
Cam,
F At STAFF'S WEDDING i|
Gam. ByHeav'n, Lord Scroop, thou haft a plotting head-
In fuch a crifis, what may not be done ?
Scroop. Mean-while, I undertake to urge the king
In his refentment 'gainft both Rome and France.
But hufh, be gone — of this another time.
Yon goes the king. I'm bidden to his clofet i
Belike on fecret bufinefs. — When we meet,
Hold we, in publick, ever diff rent minds.
Diffimulation as the means is honeft,
When honeft is the end we mean t' ob ain.
Cam. Well, as I hope our time is nekr at hand,
I will diffemble, fmother up my thoughts,
And mutter as difcreetly as I may. [Exit Cambridge,
SCENE VII. Lord Scroop, folus.
I fear this rafh-tongued Cambridge will not wait
The fetting on. A hot-brain'd cuckold 'tis,
That fees not into th' mill-ftone tho' I pick it.
He dreams of England's crown in right of 's wife,
O'er whom I reign, the fecret paramour.
Could I make Lancaster's tall houie to th' ground,
Cambridge and Mortimer might tumble too,
And both be timely buried in the ruins.
And then who knows (things ftranger have been known)
But I> her wedded Lord, may mount the throne.
[Exit.
SCENE VIII. A Street. Enter an Officer of the King's Houfhold and a Friar.
Offic There, good friar, thou haft it: it would indeed little conduce to ralfe the king's wifdom in the general eftimation of the world, to have it thought in the power of luch unworthy men as Falitaff and his fellows, to lead him implicitly into all thofe extravagances under which the character of his youth fuffer'd : and yet fo it would go near to be fufpecled, if his highnefs mould now act towards them with an ill-tim'd feverity.
Friar. Son, well obferv'd : I commend, therefore, my Lord-chief-jultice's prudence, in treating their wick- edness
i4 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
ednefs as infirmity, and will readily undertake to commune with them, on the grievous enormity of their diffolute lives. I have already a goodly penitent in a fair fhe-com- panion of his highnefs.
Offic. A {he-companion ! who is that ?
Friar. I may not tell her name, unlefs indeed to a friend, under the veil of fecrefy. Thou knew'ft Ned Poins : he had a filter
Offic A fav'rite of the prince, belike. I never heard of this before ; his highnefs then, it feems, had difcre- tion in his wildnefs.
Friar. This wench is alfo of fuch good accompliih- ments, that 'tis no wonder he mould pay her deference.
Offic Nay, it appears the king held Poins in lefs difdain than any of his fellows, by his providing him with an honourable poft, unlefs
Friar. Yet this thou feefh he has done prudently, by placing him at diftance from his perfon.
Offic That's true •, and yet, for all that, if one might whifper the truth, Poins is perhaps more indebted, for his preferment, to his filler's beauty, than his own deferts.
Friar. With this we've naught to do. Let us not hint at cenfure now ; having fo juit caufe, from his highnefs's fudden reformation, to be thankful that England is fo well king'd.
Offic Therefore, good father Paul, to the bufinefs in hand. — My Lord-chief-juftice would have you begin with Sir John Falftaff, the captain-general and ring-leader of this vicious troop. If you can difpofe him to any good, fomething may be hoped for in the reft.
Friar. I will ufe the means \ and yet that Falftaff has been untoward from his youth up. I knew him, when a boy and page to Mowbray, duke of Norfolk ; even then he furpafted in roguery all the unlucky pages about the court. For indeed he had a fhrewd wit : but what a re- ferable ufe he has made of it ! — Well, heav'n pardon him.
Offic And convert him too, good father.
Friar. Amen to that. But, pray, where am I to find this wicked knight ? I am told he is feldom out of fome houfe of carnal recreation : muft I teach morality in a bawdy-houfe ?
Offic
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 15
Offic. There are few places, father, where it is more wanting.
Friar. But the honour of my function — I may perhaps, be indecently infulted.
Offic. Of that you need not be afraid. The eye of the law is on them, and they will no doubt Hand on their good behaviour •, being fenfible it is only through the lenity of my Lord-chief-juftice, that the king's order of banifh- ment is not rigoroufly executed againft them.
Friar. I will attend thefe reprobates.
Offic. His Lordihip would have you bring FalftarT over to retire into a monaftery, if poflible •, but thou wilt fee what may belt be done with him-, and on thy report his Lordfhip's farther pleafure will be known. Farewel, good father, 1 will fee thee again at the priory.
[Exit Officer,
Friar. God be with you, Son.
SCENE IX. Street continued.
Friar, Solus.
I will go ; but I fear my million will prove as fruitlefs as that of many other Apoftles, fent among the infidels. As there is no danger of martyrdom, however, I am con- tent.— Perfuade Sir John FalftarT to turn monk ! could I work miracles, indeed, and, like St. Thomas, turn an Ethiop white, fomething might be faid for it : but, as it is, I defpair of converting an old debofhee from two fuch prevailing herefies as the whore and the bottle, [Exit.
SCENE X. Street continued. Enter Juftice Shallow and Mafter Slender.
Slen. I wonder now, coz ; when you know what a defperate kind of a horrible man Sir John is, you mould — ■
Shal. Tut — Tut — I fear him not •, there's ne'er a Sir John Falftaffin the nation fhall over-reach me.
Slen. But what's done cannot be help'd, coz •, he over- reach'd you now, as I take it, when you lent him the money.
Shal.
it F.A.L STAFF'S WEDDING.
Shal. Weil, coufin of mine, then it is my turn now to over-reach him, and get it again.
Slen. That, indeed, coufin Shallow, to be fure would be quite right •, tit for tat, as we fay in the country •, but then he is fuch a bloody-minded caitiff; you know he broke my head once for nothing at all : and if he mould get an inkling that you are going to law with him, O Lord, OLord, I fhall never fleep in. quiet again.
Shal. Poh, you chit, if he breaks the peace, I mall know what to do with him, I warrant ye.
Slen. Ay, there indeed, coufin, ecod, I did not think of that. If I am in fear of my life, I can anfwer taking, him up with a warrant, and binding him over to his good behaviour. Suppofe therefore, coz, we fwear the peace againft him firft, and lay him fall by the heels before we enter the action. — And yet I don't know, if I might advife ye, I would warn my hands of him, and thank God I was rid of a knave.
Shal. And lb lofe my thoufarrd' podnd !
Slen. If I might advife ye, coz.
Shal. And fhall a chit, a cullion, a beardlefs boy, pre- fhme to advife Robert Shallow, Efq ? To your a, b, c, your primmer, to fchool again. Advife me ! do you think I will lofe a thoufand pound by e'er a fwaggering knight in England ?
Slen. Nay, I fay nothing, coufin Shallow •, but I know a little of the law. I did not live fo long with my uncle Lingerfuit for nothing. I know he ufed to fay none of his clients got any thing by it, but lofles. Mind, I fay no- thing ; but don't you remember the picture that us'd to hang up in goody Undone's itone parlour ? (fhe was one of my uncle's clients too) of the man, I mean, that loll his doublet, in going to law for his cloak. There was ano- ther picture too
Shal. Don't tell me
Slen. Of the dog and the fhadow. I have heard them explained ; marry, good morals ; good morals, coufui Shallow.
Shal. Talk not to me. I tell thee, I will fpend half my eftate before the rafcally knight fhall carry it off (o. I had rather the inns of court mould fhare the money among
them
FAL STAFF'S WEDDING. 17
them than let that gor-bellied knave feaft his enormous guts at any free coll of mine. I will to my counfel im- mediately.
Slen. You know bell, to be fure, coufin Shallow, but
Shal. But me no buts, -I fay, but come along ; Your coufin Shallow puts up no fuch wrong.
[Exeunt,
End of the first Act.
A C T II. S C E N E I.
A Tavern.
Falstaff fitting at a Table ; Bardolph attending.
Fal. 'f5\ OME, fill me another glafs, Bardolph. Where \_Ji are the women ?
Bar. They are gone home, Sir John, that they may get ready to attend your honour in the evening. They went away while you was afleep.
Fal. Come on then, drink; we will empty the flafk, and follow. Here's to our better fortune. (Drinks.)
Bar. Ah, Sir John, I am afeard our fortune hath been at its highefl flood. We have fecn our bell days.
Fal. So the world goes Bardolph. Up and down! But is it not hard now ? I that have — —but that's nothing. I hate boafling. It is, however, well known what pains I have taken to make a man of that Hal. Nay, you your- felf are privy to many the good offices I have done him. Before the younker knew me, he knew nothing. The fneak-cup could not drink fack.; made confcience of going to church on holidays ; and bluih'd like a fcarlet cloak, at entering a bawdy-houfe. Then he made a poor hand at
C cards
18 FALST AFF'sW'E.D'DING.
cards and dice, and was a mere novice, a very noodle; at a robbery on the highway. I inftructed him in all thefe manly exercifes. 1 was content to win his money, to teach him gaming : to get drunk myfelf to make him fo : to teach him iabbath-breaking. by going ever to the church with a chimney iiT it,— trre tavern. And. then., again, mercy on this round body of mine! how have I been pox'd to teach his iinock-face whoring ! Nay, fetting rotten limbs and dignity afide, have I not even pimp'd for the bafhful rogue ? Such a princ-2 of Wales ! by my troth I was afhamM of him. Had it not been for me, the milk-fop might have been crown'd before he had loft his maiden- head.
Bar. And that would have been a pity, Sir John:,, to be fure.
Fal. It was I flrrc taught him to way-lay the true-man -, for I knew him when he durft not cry Jland to a turkey- cock -, nay, a gander, of the ordinary fize of a gKeen-goofe, had it met him on a common, would have made him run for it : and yet I would have fo cafe-harden'd him, that he might have robb'd his father's exchequer. But the toaft- and-butter would not learn. I went further yet -,: and would not only have embolden'd his actions, but have taught him the manly arts of converfation. In the ilik military, for inftance, or fwearing.-^
Bar. Sir John, I. believe, there you forget yourfelf ; the prince wanted no affiflance of you in that ;, for when he was a crack no higher than this, he would fwear ye as well as a man fix foot high.
Fal. Right, Bardolph, you are right. I remember me i (wearing indeed he knew : for, tho' but a king's ion, he would, as thou fay'it, rap out an oath like an emperor. But then for the quintefience of all elocution, the ufe of the hyperbole, vulgarly call'd lying •, there I am a mailer, vet what a deal of pains it hath coit me to teach Hal to lie j and all thrown away upon him. He would never do it roundly. He had no genius that way.
Bar. You know, Sir John, the prince never could away with lying. He us'd to lay 'twas .beneath a gentleman and a fpldier,
FALSTAFF's WEDDING, i9
Fal. Well, well, he will never mine in the recital of his own exploits as Xenophon, Casfar, and I have done.
Bar. Why, Sir John, to be fyre, you have done fome- thing.
Fal. Something ! the fervices I have done him and his father are out of number. Methinks my behaviour, in the ever memorable action at Shrewsbury, mould make him blum at his ingratitude. Who kiil'd Hotfpur ? Did not I give him his death's wound in the thigh ? Was it not I who took prifoner that fiery dragon Coleville ? and that even alive ! And am I thus requited ? Is this the guerdon of my great atchievements ? Hang valour, I'll hack my fword no more. Thus has it ever been the fate of merit to be rewarded. Alcibiades and Bellifarius for that !
Bar. Ay, Sir John, they were tall fellows : they were fadly us'd indeed : I have heard of them. But that was in king John's time, I think.
Fal. They were the Falftaffs of antiquity, Bardolph.
Bar. Like enough, Sir John : they were before my time, to be fure •, though Piftol told me, t'other day, that general Bellifarius was his god-father.
Fal. Piftol is an ignorant braggard ; an afs : I have injur'd my dignity by affociating with rafcals, not worthy to wait at my heels. What tell' it thou me of Piftol ?
Bar. Nay, Sir John, I meant no harm. I do think you deferve to be made a lord of indeed.
Fal. A lord ! I expected to have been made nothing lefs than an earl or a duke, I can aifure ye. And then, for my well-known ceconomy, to have had the fole ma- nagement of the exchequer, at leaft.
Bar. And inftead of that to be banilh'd ■
Fal. I know not if I heard the v/ord baniih. I was forbidden indeed to come near the king's perfon by ten miles •, but I was not at that diftance when thofe injunc- tions were laid on me. Quere now (it might pofe a cafuifb let me tell ye) whether I am thereby injoin'd to march right out, ten miles an end ; whether the negative, not come, amounts to the pofitive, go. — I will not underftand it fo •, and, if that be my Lord-chief-juftice's conftruction, by the Lord, I will put him to the trouble of carrying of me ; \ will be laid up with the gout ere I budge a foot,
C % Ba&.
2o FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Bar. Indeed, Sir John, the king did fay, banifli.
Fal. Admit it : unlefs he means to refide for ever in a place, and be in his own proper perfon as immoveable as a church, I hold my life on a damn'd precarious tenure. He minx give me timely notice of his motions, that I may regulate mine accordingly ; otherwife, if he be travelling my way, we may happen to encounter, and I get myfelf hang'd through inadvertency. I do not think it fafe, therefore, to ftir out of town, without more explicit or- ders. Fill me another glafs.
Bar. The flafk is out, Sir John.
Fal. Out ! we have no longer any bufinefs here, then. Pay the drawer, Bardolph, and come along. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Room in the King's Palace.
Enter King Henry and Lord Scroop.
King j Thou didft obferve, in th' eaft i(le of the abbey, A wench that fainted as we pafs'd along, And drew a crowd of our obfervers from us.
Scroop. I did, my liege : methought a fairer damfel Mine eyes had ne'er beheld ; when lo ! o'th'fudden, Her looks were chang'd, the roles left her cheeks, And down me funk, as if impitying death Had laid his clay-cold hand upon her heart.
King. Wilt you the paufe ?
Scroop. I guefs no other than the fweltry crowd, Affccling oft iuch tender- fafnion'd dames, Opprefs'd her gentle fpirits : for I mark'd An elegance and foftnefs in her features, That fpoke the delicacy of her frame.
King. O Scroop, it is indeed a gentle foul; She was the earlielt fa'vrite of my youth, I her firft love, and many an happy hour, In all th'endearing intercourse of iouls, We've pafs'd together.
Scroop. My gracious liege, Your highnefs young, the damfel in her bloom, Where could love find Ltfelf more fit employment.
King,
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 21
King. Thou know'rt, lord Scroop, our prefent refo- lution, To cart off th'idle follies of our youth : Hence our command to banifh from the court The lewd companions of thofe boyifh days. Now this fair v/ench is filter to Ned Poins, Whom I have late provided for i'th'North : And, for I would not fee the girl again, I gave her ghoftly father late in charge To place her in a fiiterhood of nuns, With an allowance of five hundred marks A year for life. I thought her cioifter'd up, And wonder'd much to fee her in the abbey.
Scroop. She meant, no doubt, to move your highnefs's pity; And not unlikely but that fhew of grief, And mock of fwooning was a female trick, An artifice that's common with thefe giglots.
King. I judge not lb ; but, be that as it may, I will not have my purpofes delay'd, Nor firm refolves capricioufly difputed. Go to her, therefore, thou, my friendly Scroop, And fay, her unexpected difobedience Awakes our high difpleafure.
Scroop. I will, my liege ; yet, by your highnefs* leave, Thinks not your majefty fhe's yet too young, Too fair, and too enamour'd of the world, To turn reclufe, and hide her in a cioifter ? I warrant ye, my liege, a lufty lover Would find a hearty welcome with her yet.
King. My lordofMafham, there I hold you wrong her. She is indeed moft loving, kind, and gentle : And yet I think not more than fhe is true : Faithful of heart, fincere as open day, A veftaPs modefty fits on her brow, And awes ev'n bold licentioufnefs to filence. She feels, I fear, too anxiouily th'effecl: Of that necefiity that caus'd our parting.
Scroop. Where, in the name of wonder, did fhe learn Thofe dainty manners ? of her brother Ned ?
C 2 Your
it. FALSTAFFs WEDDING.
Your majefty in truth is much deceiv'd ; Had not yourfelf fo highly done her honour, Some humbler iover had, perhaps, prevail'd, And fhar'd her favours on as eafy terms.
King. Thou knew'ft her not.
vScroop. My liege, I know the fex, And judge not women by the things they were. The kindeft of them all were veftals once : But foon as e'er they've learn'd their mother's game, All that is left of .chaftity's grimace, Mere affectation, prudery, and pride.
King. You hold them, then, but lightly in efleem : But general rules admit exceptions, Scroop.
Scroop. O, yes, my liege, perhaps, in twice ten thou- fand One may be found, whofe mind's of charter fcuff Than her frail body : but with all the reft Body and foul go lovingly together.
King. Go then, my lord, and in our gentle Nell Of twice ten thoufand think thou feeft that one, Whofe mind is yet right chafte. Make known our will, And in the 'gentleft terms your kindnefs may.
Scroop. I will, my liege. [Exit King Henry,
SCENE III. Room continued.
Lord Scroop, folus,
A lucky errand to this peerlefs beauty ! I mark'd her in the midft of her diftrefs, And of her fnowy neck and heaving breafls Caught a fide-glance, that flr'd my eager heart- Ahd kindled all the ardours of defire. That fhe mould turn out Harry's miftrefs too ; And thence we make no doubt an eafy conquert, Whate'er his princely vanity fuggefts ; This too is fortunate ; nor lefs his pride, That churliihly devotes thofe charms to heav'n, On which himfelf has feafted till he's tir'd. Sure a kind beauty fooner will retreat Iflto a lover's arms than to a cloifter ! And yet I may not long detain her thence.
Lome?
FALSTAFFsWEDDING. 23
X:ove's a repair, fo cloying, at the beft That appetite foon leaves the keenefl gueft •, To me the banquet of her' charms be given, And, fated once, I'll yield them too to heav'n. .(Exit.
5 C E N E IV. A Street. Enter Juftice Shallow, Mailer Slender, and a, "Lawyer.
Shal. And fo, mailer Plead well, that is your opi- nion.— If it be fo, my money's gone.
Law. Indeed, lam of that opinion, juftice Shallow.
Shal. What ! how ! that my money's gone ?
Law. Nay, I know not that. I fay, 1 am of opinion you mould -have taken a bond, or obligation, at the time ef lending it, friend Shallow. A thoufand pound on the bare word of a courtier ; and that courtier Sir John Fal- ftaff! ne'er an alderman in the city of London would ■have lent a thoufand pence on fuch fecurity.
Slen. Oh that ever a country 'fquire mould have lefs wit than a city alderman !
Law. A.tkoufand pound, Mr. Shallow, is
Shal. A thoufand pound. 1 know it is, mailer Plead- well, I know it well. But pray now, is there no method in the law to recover it ? He cannot have fpent it yet: cannot we compel him to reftitution .? Arrefl him — arreA him, Mr. Plead well..
Law. But, mould he deny the debt, how wili you prove it ? and who knows, on fach an emergency, what Sir John Falftaff will not do ?
Shal. Nay, he will lye : that's the truth on't.
Slen. Ay, coz, and that moft confumedly too.
Shal. I can prove his receipt of the money.
iLaw. But the conditions^ juftice Shallow. — What have you to mew. that. he is engag'd to return, it ? and when ?
Shal. Nothing, I was weak enough to lend it him on his bare word.
Slen. Nay, xoufin Shallow, not fo neither. I'll be fworn he borrow'd it upon his oath. I'll take my Bible facrament of that. Didn't I hear Sir John fwear ? — Yes, Mr. Pleadwell, I myfelf, .in propria perjona, heard Sir John, alias John Falftaff, knight, viva voce, viva-voce,
C .4 Mr.
24 FALS TAF F's WEDDING.
Mr. Pleadwell — Go to — I know a little of the law. — I far, I heard the aforefaid Falftaff fwear and proteft to my coufin Shallow (videlicet Robert Shallow of Gloucefterfhire, efq-, jufticeof the peace, and of the quorum) upon the honour of a true knight, to give him a thoufand pound again ; and befides that, the comings-in of a better thing, in his majefty's court at London.
Law. Ah, Mafter Slender, thefe knights have juft honour enough to fwear by •, but, for any thing further, I am apprehenlive we ihall find him one of thofe honourable knights, whofe word is as good as their oath. But fee, if I miftake not, yonder he comes ; this encounter may per- haps fave us the trouble of attending him at home. Let us fpeak him fair, and periwade him, ifpoffible, to ftgnan obligation for the money. If we can do that, we may trounce him. Let me alone with him.
Slen. O would you could Mr. Pleadwell ! what would I give methinks to fee him well troune'd ! if it was only for giving me once a bloody coxcomb.
SCENE V. Street continued. Enter Falstaff.
Fal. How ! Mafter Shallow cDnfblting with his law- yer ! are ye thereabouts friend Shallow ? would you ham- per me with an action ? {Jf.de.) I will pafs them by.
[Going.
Shal. Sir John, Sir John, a word with you if you pleafe.
Fal. O my good friends Robert Shallow, Efq; and Mailer Slender ! how fare ye gentlemen both ?
Law. Sir John, Mr. Shallow here has
Fal. Ha! what mine old acquaintance Mafter Whee- dlepoint ! how is it with your health, Mafter Wheedle- point ?
Law. Pleadwell is my name, Sir John.
Fal. Right. — I cry you mercy. — Roundabout Plead- well, I think. My memory is not fo retentive as
Law. No offence, Sir John : that is not the cafe.
Fal. Marry but it is, Mr. Pleadwell ; a treacherous
memory
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 25
memory is my great defecl: : and a mifnomer in law thou
knoweft
Law. Would be matter of confequence Sir John. But that is not our bufmefs at prefent. Mr. Shallow here hath
put a cafe.
Fal. Ay, Mafter Shallow mould know fomethin'g of the law too. Was not he at Clement's-inn when thou wert firft enter'd there ? That muft be many years ago, Mr. Pleadwell. — Let me fee. How many years ago muft that be, Mafter Shallow? — Why you carry your age well, Mr. Pleadwell.
Shal. Pretty well, pretty well, Sir John, but that >
Fal. Nay marry, I fay, very well, Mafter Shallow. And pray what is become of young Puzzlecaufe, and Dick Silvertongue, your fellow ftu dents there ? they were call'd to the bar, I fuppofe. That Dick was a prate-a-pace rogue ; and a devil among the bona robas. He and Mafter Shallow here were two with the wenches. Ha^ Mafter Shallow !
Shal. No matter, Sir John, at prefent we would con- fer on other bufmefs.
Fal. Nay, gentlemen, if ye are on bufinefs, I crave your pardon, and leave ye. I am not us'd to be imperti- nent.
Law. You are not a going, Sir John ; it is with you our bufmefs lies.
Fal. Bufmefs with me !
Shal. Yes, about the thoufand pound, Sir John. Fal. What mean you, Mafter Shallow ? Shal. That you borrow'd of me, Sir John. Slen. Yes, Sir John, the thoufand pound you borrow'd of my couftn Shallow, Sir John.
Fal. Take me with ye, gentlemen, both ; let me un- derftand ye. You prefented me, indeed, with a thouiand pound to promote your intereft at court, Mafter Shallow ; and may depend on it, if I can ferve you —
Shall. Fiddle, faddle, Sir John, I expect my money again : your intereft at court is not worth a farthing.
Fal. 1 cannot help that; the more is my misfortune, Mr. Shallow ; you fee my heart is good.
Law.
dS FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Law. If fo, Sir John, you will not refufe to give Mr. Shallow fomething to ihew for his money, under your hand.
Fal. How doft thou know that, Mr. Pleadweli ? Imuft eonfult my counfel in this cafe.
Law. There is no need, Sir John •, I will draw upa little inftrument, to Which thou wilt let thy hand immediately.
Fal. Not while I have a head, Mafter Pleadweli, "I like not running hand over head in thefe matters. By latter Lammas, or faint FalftafFs day, I may perhaps bethink me.
Law. I know of no faint of thy family in the kalendar, Sir John.
Fal. Well, well, there may be faints of a worfe. Our merit :hath not flood in the way of promotion ; that's all: andyet there are as many whoremafters there as lawyers, I believe. Bat I cannot tarry now to hold -farther queftion with thee-, fatigued as I am, and earn eft to reach my lodgings yonder.
Law. If thou wilt there fign the inftrument, Sir John, we wall attend you thither.
Fal. Wilt thou ? it is a notorious bawdy-houfe.
Law. No matter, Sir John.
Fal. No matter, fayft thou? Is it then no matter for
one of the grave iages of the law to be feen in a public
bawdy-houfe ? Lord, Lord, what will this world come
. to i My confcience, however, is more tender : I fhould
be forry to give fuch occafion of fcandal.
Law. Pleafe you, Sir John, to -be ferious. Let us rightly underftand each other.
Fal. With all my heart, good Mafter Pleadweli 3 then, to be plain with you, I find you do not know me. You talk to me of reftitution and conditions ; did'ft thou ever ■know Sir John FaKtaff* make reftitution on any condi- tions ? And doft thou think me fo unpractis'd a courtier as to return the perquifites of my calling, becaufe I am turn'd out j or to reftore the purchafeof my good-will, becaufe I am not likely to get in. What take ye me for a younker? a geek ? Go to — you cannot play upon me. — Mafter Shallow, reft you content : your money is in good hands ; and, if I do not fpend it like a gentleman, never truft me with a thoufand pound again.
Shal,
FALST AFF's WEDDING. 27
Shal. Oh ! that I ever did truft fuch a caitiff!
Law. But, pray, were thefe the conditions, Mr. Shal- low ? Was you to be repaid by a place at court ?
'Slen. To be lure. Why what do you think, Mr. Pleadwell, coufin Shallow was fool enough to lend a thou- fand pound for nothing ? Why, I, myfelf, was to be made a great man too •, and that into the bargain.
Shal. Coufin Slender, {peak in your turn, I pray you.
Law. Were thefe terms fpecified ?
Fal. Not indeed on parchment, fignatum etjigillaiumj Mr. Pleadwell. A courtier's promife is not, indeed, very good in law. But I can tell ye the polls I mould have procur'd for thefe noble 'fquires : and by'r lady, thou wilt fay they would have been well occupied. Having a little pique or fo at my Lord-chief-juftice, and Mr. Shallow, here, thinking himfelf qualified, I promis'd him my in- tereft for his worfhip's removal from the quorum to his lordlhip's place on the bench. Was it not fo, Mr. Shal- low ?
Shal. Don't belye me, Sir John, don't cheat me of my money, and laugh at me too. Robert Shallow efquire will not put up with that.
Fal. Then for Mr. Slender here, I purpos'd, for his addrefs and elocution, to have got him appointed orator to the houfe of parliament ; or otherwife, in consideration of his figure and magnanimity, to have made him a ftaff officer, or captain of horfe, at the leafl.
Slen. Nay, Sir John, you did not tell me what ; but I expected fome notable place, I'll allure ye : for I look upon myfelf, plain 'fquire as I Hand here, to be fomebody.
Shal. Coz, coz, you are an afs, coz.
Slen. Why, why, I didn't lend him any money, I.
Law. Juftice Shallow, this is a very fimple affair. I am fbrry it is not in my power to ferve you in it. Sir John, if you had either honour or honefty, you would reftore the money; but, as you make pretenfions to neither, I leave you. [Exit Lawyer,
SCEN E
28 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
SCENE VI. Street continued. Falstaff, Shallow, and Slender.
Fal. Well, my matters, you hear the counfel learned in the law. Will you to flipper with me ? You mall fee I am no niggard. If you will lodge with me in Eaft- cheap, you mail fee the thoufand pound fairly fpent in fack : you mall fhare with me to the utmoft farthing. But for dry reftitution, I have not been accuftom'd to it of many years. You would not have me a changeling at this time of day, I hope, Mafter Shallow.
Shal. Changeling ! no, Sir John, thou art no change- ling •, but, depend on it, I will not put up this wrong. Robert Shallow, efq-, will neither eat nor drink with thee. I will have further advice, and, if the law will not help me, I will take other methods. I will have my money ; depend on't I will have my money. [Exit Shallow.
Slen. Ay, ay, we mail find means to get the money ; never fear. , [Exit Slender.
SCENE VII. Street continued.
Falstaff, folus.
Nay, I fear it not — at leaft before I fhall have found means to fpend it : and then, get it who may •, it concerns not me. We fhall fee, however, whofe bufinefs will be done nrft. Mine will go merrily forward. Ah ! mallow Mafter Shallow ! But v/ho could have thought the fnipe would have went to counfel, to get himfelf laugh'd at ? Then to fee how demurely Sir Slyboots angled for me, as if I had been a gudgeon! How cunningly the rafcally bar- rador would have hook'd me on his inftrument ! But I was even with the methodical knave. — My friend Shallow will never bring it to bear an action at law •, and if he mould, as I have the cam, I am on the right fide of the hedge. Indeed, were I to go to law for a mint of money, I would chufe to have it all in my poiTeiiion. There is nothing like it. PofTemon is the very life's blood of a bad caufc : on the ftrength of which in mine, I will home to flipper.
[Exit.
SCENE
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 29
SCENE VIII. A Tavern inEASTCHEAp. Enter Bardolph, Mrs. Quickly, andDoLTEARSHEET.
Bar. He will be here incontinently, hoftefs : I only ftept before to let you know he was a coming.
Quick. But is it veritably true, Bardolph, that Sir John has got a thoufand pound by him ?
Dol. Ay, is that true, Bardolph ?
Bar. True, upon honour ; he had it of juflice Shallow of Gloucefterfhire ; and it lies now in mafter Gingle-cafh, the banker's hands. But Sir John will be here momenta^- bly. Is ev'ry thing ready ?
Quick. In a minute we are all clear. Run, good Dol, and receive the knight at the door. Francis !^ what, Francis !
Fran, (without) Anon, anon, Sir.
Quick. Light up candles in the paffage. A bottle of fherris, Francis, quick, you fleeping knave. — Always upon a mail's gallop! O that ever woman mould be plagued, with fuch creeping varlets !
Dol. O, here is Sir John, himfelf.
SCENE IX. Tavern continued. Enter Sir John Falstaff.
Quick. Jaded to death, I warrant ! — An eafy chair, good Bardolph. Pleafe you to depofe yourfelf, Sir John.
Fal. Soh ! now have I taken up my fitting again, in my old quarters. A glafs of fherris, Francis !
Dol. And how do you find yourfelf, my fweet knight ?
Fal. Tolerably thirfly. {Drinks) I can drink j and that is all the bodily functions I am capable of. I am as ftiff, ev'ry part about me, as a walking taylor or Don Diego on a fign-pofl.
Dol. Nay, Sir John, if that be the cafe, it is not ov€r with you yet. Give me a bufs.
Fal. Go, Dol, you are riggifh — get you gone you water- wag-tail, you -} I am not merrily difpos'd.
Dol. But, will you give me a new kirtle at Bartiemew fair ?
Fal
:"
3o FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Fal. I will, Dol. — Nay, I cannot bear you on my knee-
Dol. Why, how came you fo terribly maul'cT, my leman ? r^AL. Did not I tell ye?
Quick. No indeed, Sir John, your honour fpoke of fatigue ; but did not defcend to particles. Your honour fell afleep, you know.
"Fal. Well then, I will tell ye now. Give me firft a glafs of fherris. {Brinks) You muft know that, after the king (hang him for a fheep-flealing cur) gave "me that rebuff I told you of ■, he flalk'd magifterially away, and left me to the mercy of the multitude : when, as I flood par- leying with mine antient •, mine arms a-kembo thus ; a ¬ of elbowing earls bore me down before them, with the impetuofity of a torrent. Lo ! there was I, jamm'd fafl in the midfl of a vile groupe of mechanics, as if we ' had grown together in a body corporate : and in this jeopardy was I carried along-, fometimes bolfler'd up on all fides, at the confluence of feveral turnings, like a May- pole ; ' and at others, wire-drawn between two flone- waifs, • as if they meant to make chitterlings of me : now this fair round belly taking the form of a chriftmas pie, and by; and by prefs'd as flat as a pancake. It is a miracle I did not burft in the midfl of them. Had it not been for the fuffi- ciency of my buff doublet, I fhould have certainly burfled.
Dol. If you had, Sir John, you would have went off with a report like a bladder.
Fal. A bladder, ye jade, a demi-culverin at IeafJ. I fhould have died an hero : my exit would have made fome noife in the world. t Quick. Heav'n forbid, Sir John, you fhould ever die a virulent death I fay.
Dol. I hope, indeed, fweet knight, you will never be prefs'd to death. That muft be an odd end, and yet me- thinks I could bear much.
. Fal. I'll be fworn thou could'fl, Dol : but thou art a woman, and made to bear. D ,{
Quick. Yes, in good footh, poor woman is made to bear ev'ry thing. She.muft fufTer all a man's ill humours ; let 'em lie never lb heavy upon her : and, by my truly ibmc men are nothing elfe. But, to be fure, Sir John,
yo«
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 31
you was us'd moft unhumanly. Would no body take pity upon you ?
Fal. Pity ! the moft remorfelefs rafcals ! they made no more of me than if I had been a lump of dough, they were kneeding to make dumplings of: and to expoftulate with the villains would have been preaching to the winds.
Dol. Why did not you exert your courage, Sir John ? draw upon them ?
Fal. Draw, fayflthou ?. I could not come at my rapier, to be mafter of a kingdom. And as for good words, — in return for the few I gave them, they let fly their jefts fo thick at me, and pepper'd me fo plaguely with fmall wit* that I was dumbfounded.
Dol. I thought you would never have been overmatch'd that way, Sir John.
Fal. Yet fo it was, Doll. They were holiday-wits, and came loaden with choke-pears : but, indeed, I was overpower'd by numbers. Two to one, Doll, you know — They pelted me from all quarters. Will you hear : I will give you a fpice of their farcafms ; a fampie of the gibing pellets they threw at me. As I was thus Hemming the tide and crying out for the lord's fake, a dried eel's-lkin of a filhmonger afk'd me how I could complain of the crowd. " Is a porpoife ill at eafe, faid he, amidft a glut of fprats " and herrings ?" I had not time to anfwer the fmelt, be- fore a barber-furgeon, the very model of the fkeleton in his glafs-cafe, offered to tap me for the dropfy ; and to make us all elbow-room by letting out a puncheon of canary, at my girdle. Right, cries a third, at the word canary, " I'll be hang'd if any thing be in the doublet of " that fat rogue but hog's-fkins of Spanifh winej" and incontinently they roar'd out, on all fides, " Tap him,
" there,— tap him, mafter furgeon." 'Sblood ; I was
forc'd to draw in my horns, and be filent j left the villains, being thirfty, lhould force the fhaver to operation. The knave, indeed, was five weavers off, and fo could not well come at me ; I might otherwife have been drunk up alive.
Dol. Indeed, my witty knight, you was rnatch'd. Pal. Wasn't I, Dol ?
Dol.
32 fAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Dol. And pray how cam'ft thou off at kit, Sir John ?
Fal. By mere providence : for, after the barbarous raf- cals had fqueez'dthe breath out of my body, they buffetted me becaufe I could not roar out, God fave the king. At length, I know not how, they threw me down in the cloi- fters, where, falling crofs-wife and the v/ay being narrow, I fairly block'd up the paflage : upon which ( for they could not ftraddle over me) they took another way (a plague go with them !) for fear of lofing the mow. And thus I was left to take in wind, and gather myfelf up at leifure.
Dol. And did the mangy villains fo play upon thy fack- but ? fo maul this poor round-belly ? a parcel of lapiefs twigs ! dry elms, fit only for fuel ! I would I had the burning of them.
Fal. Wouldft thou fire them, Dol ? Hal art thcu touch- wood ftill, Dol ?
Dcl. Nay, Sir John, not fo.
Quick. No, I'll be fworn, Sir John, to my carnal knowledge, if there be truth or faith in medicine. But Sir John, what would your honour pleafe to have for fupper ?
Fal. Another glafs of fherris — fill me out, Bardolph. I cannot eat. I have lofl my appetite by the way. Put an egg into a quart of mulFd fack, and give it me when I am a-bed. I will to fleep.
Dol. Would you have your bed prepar'd, flrait, Sir John ?
Fal. Ay, on the inftant, good Dol. Hoftefs ! go thou and fee to the brewage of my fack.
[Exeunt Dol and Mrs. Quickly.
SCENE X. Tavern continued.
Enter Peto, leading in Pistol, groaning and hanging
his head.
Fal. Heigh > heigh ; whofe other mare's dead ?
Pistol. Come Clotho, Atropos, and filters three ! Wind up my web •, for Piftol's flafh is out.
Fal. What is the matter, Peto ?
Peto. Matter, Sir John ! The mob at Weftminfter have almoft murder'd poor Pillol, here. I thought I never mould have been able to get him home alive.
Fal.
FALST AFF's WEDDING. 33
Fal. And how fo ?.
Peto. Why, Sir John, being got upon a cooler's bulk to fee what was become of your honour a raw-bon'd fwaggering ferjeant, that was coming by, whipt hold of him by the leg, and threw him on the people's heads; where, being no room for him to come to the ground* they fhoulder'd him about from poft to pillar, as they would have done a hedge-hog, or a dead rabbit that had been thrown among them. I faith, I thought they would have kill'd him.
Fal. How ! was that Piftol ? I faw the bUftle at a diftance, but took the caufe of it for lome huge boar cat, the porters and 'prentices had got, to make fport withal. By the Lord* Piftol, I have a fellow-feeling for thy mif- fortunes. But art thou hurt ? where art thou wounded ?
Pistol. Ah, lucklefs knight ! is merit thus repaid ? Doth fortune play the jilt with men of mould ? Then Piftol lay thy head in Parco's lap.
Fal. Good ancient, let me advife thee to hie to bed, and lay thy head on a pillow. — -Peto* fee to him. — I too will follow. — Bardolph !
Light me to bed — let Dol bring up the fack, Empty the jorden, and tuck up my back.
[Exeunt*
■s jm End of the Second Act.
ill
ACf III. S C E N E I,
An Antichamber.
Enter Lord Scroop and Friarj
Scroop. TJ Y th' holy rood, an early rifer, father.
J3 Friar. Each morn, my lord, at crowing of the cock*
D It,
34 FALSTAFF'sWEDDING.
It is her wonted cuftom thus in pray'r To ufher in the day. But fee fhe comes. .
[Enter Eleanor Poins, reading-. Scroop. How fair a penitent ! good friar excufe us. I have a farewell errand from his highnefs, Intended only for this lady's ear.
Friar. My lordy I leave her with you.
[Exit Friar.
SCENE II. Antichamber continued.
Lord Scroop and Eleanor.
■
Scroop. So early gentle fair one at your onions !
Elea. Is't not, my lord, my duty to prepare For th' holy Hate my fortune waits ^embrace, By prior acts of penitence and prayer ?
Scroop. O cruel fortune I is't for blooming youth To ipend its prime amidil the doleful gloom Of fpleenful iolitude •, fhut from the world, And from the golden joys that wait on beauty ?
Elea. Alas, my lord, my days of joy are pafs*d; I have indeed pofTefs'd too great a mare, And all are fled. But of my lord, the king ; What errands need fuch honourable meffengers r
Scroop. How cruel is't to rob the world's fair garden Of Mowers lb fweet to fenfe and choice as this !
[Halfafde, Lady, indeed, with pain I recollect The hated terms of my ungrateful mefTage : For little thole of chiding and reproof Suit Mafham's gentle nature. Yet the king, Anger'd to fee what others joy to look on, Hath fent me to remind you of his pleaiure, And haften your retirement from the world. Your late appearance at his coronation, It feems, hath much offended.
Elean. Could that, my lord, be deem'd lb great a crime ? To wim to fee my Henry's face again, Ere yet I bade the flatt'ring world adieu •, To take one parting look, to drop a tear,
And
FALSTAFF'sWEDDING. 35
And bid him, with mine eyes, farewell for ever ?
Scroop. Princes, alas! are not like other men -, At ieaft fo flatt'rers buz it in their ears : While o'er their hearts vain pride ufurps dominion, And all the gentler pafiions fall before it.
Elea. I fee, my lord, indeed, I fee it now. Say, 'twas a fault, my failing heart betray'd me ; Yet 'twas a. venial fault-, the fault of love.
Scroop. The king affects to think you difobedient;
Elea. And was I ever difobedient to him ? His will to me was evermore a law -, And mail be {till : for, tho' he cart me off, No other's pleafure will I ftudy ever. Let him not think I wifh to difobey him ; Or feel one pang, in parting from the world, But from the wounds receiv'd by his difpleaiure. Let him not. think I valued but his love -, His fame, his honour, equally were dear ; And mine I've made a facrifice to both.
Scroop. O had poffefTion of fo rich a prizCj Such ftore of beauty, tendernefs and truth But fell to Mafham's lot -, tho' twice a kingj I would have worn it ever next my heart, More priz'd than all the jewels in my crown !
Elea. O flatter not, my lord, fo Henry flatter'd : So vow'd the prince, when, fighing at my f^et, He won my eafy, unfufpecting heart.
Scroop. O wrong me not ; nor wrong thofe heav'nly charms. Perdition catch me if I meant to flatter.
Elea. What means, my lord ?
Scroop. For Henry's heart, you've loft, To give you mine ; a heart that cannot change. Accept it, love, nor fay th' exchange is poor -, For conltancy o'erballances a crown.
Elea. My lord, farewell — is this thy hated errand ? Hated indeed, if Henry fent thee on it. Thou art employ'd, I fee, to try my heart : It is the king's till his unkindnefs break it. Ah how unkind! fo kind while yet a prince I If thus a golden crown can fteel his hearfc
0 2 O may
56 FA L STAFF'S WEDDING.
0 may I ne'er behold him while a king ! No — be fbme humble cell my future lot, Princes and kings, and all but heaven forgot.
[Exit Eleanor.
SCENE III. Antichamber continued. Scroop, folus.
Not yet, my fair one : thou muft firfl be mine j Or I am wide the mark of woman's will.
1 have a tale mail work upon the king To give in charge this wanton up to me ; And if there's ought of woman left about her, I fhall find out the means to touch her heart,
And teach her kinder maxims ere we part. [Exit.
SCENE IV. Tavern in Eastcheap. Enter Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal. What time of day is it, Bardolph ?
Bar. A lmoft eleven, Sir John.
Fal. Then have I taken two found naps of eight hours a-piece. How is it with Piftol to day ?
Bar. Why, he's in a bad way, Sir John.
Fal. That all } — ■ when was he otherwife ? who ever knew Piftol or thee in a good way ?
Bar. And yet, Sir John, we are your followers, you know.
Fal. Well faid, Bardolph. — I fee thy wit is improv'd. I lead you the way, it is true •, but you follow me, like ipaniels, with damnable circumvolutions. But, whom have we here ?
Bar. It is the doctor, Sir John, that has been up to kc Piftol.
Fal. O, doctor Mithridate, the apothecary ! a precious rafcal ! [Enter Apothecary.
SCENE V. Tavern continued. Falstaff, Bardolph, and Apothecary. Fal. So, mafter 'pothecary, thou art a man of merit, I fee. Thou art fought after. — How many patients haft thou difpatch'd to day ?
Apo.
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 37
Apo. Not many, Sir John, I vifited your friend Fiftol early, and flatter myfelf he is in a fair way,
Fal. Bardolph tells me he is in a bad one : fair and good I have heard ; but fair and bad never. But pray what are his complaints mafter doctor ? I know foniething of phyfick.
Apo. Why, Sir John, the cutis of the occiput is dila- cerated ; there are tumors all over the corpus •, the patient has a delirium, a vertigo, and befides the febrile fymp- toms indicate phlebotomy.
Fal. Phlebotomy ! what, bleeding ?
Apo. A little, Sir John — we will only take from him fixteen ounces.
Fal. Sixteen ounces 1 haft thou a defign upon his life ? What, a plague, wouldft thou kill him ? He doth not weigh four pounds averdupoize, fiefh, bones, and all; and thou wouldft take him away by quarterns in a flop^? bafon.
Apo. I hope, Sir John, you will not go about to in- ftrucl: me in the pathology, the therapeutice, the indica-r tions and contra-indications. The patient muft be bled.
Fal. Bleed fick apes and hyp'd monkeys. I tell thee my ancient fball die a natural death. Thinkeft thou I will have his veins drain'd to fill a row of porringers in a bar- ber's fhop- window ? Ufe bits of red cloth and be damn'd ; ye fhall have the blood of no follower of mine. Sixteen i ounces ! I tell thee not Galen, Hippocrates, nor Efcula- pius himfelf, were they alive, ftiould thus operate upon him. Phlebotomy ! I will phlebotomize ye all with my rapier, by the Lord, if you offer to draw a lancet on him.
Apo. Well, well, Sir John, we will take lefs ; butfome his cafe abfolutely requires : and in fact, Sir John, if you yourfelf, being of fuch a phlethorick habit, would lofe a little blood, it would not be amifs.
Fal. Me ! I thank thee. In the blood is the life of the creature, and I will not confent to part with mine.
Apo. It were better alfo, Sir John, you drank a little more water in your wine.
Fal. More water ! I drink none.
Apo. So much the worfe, Sir John, better you did.
p 3 Fax;
38 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Fal. And wouldft thou perfuade me, with thy contra- indications, that water is better than wine ?
Apo, For fome conftitutions, and in fome cafes, yes, Sir John.
Fax.. For thine perhaps : but mine thanks thee for thy water. Wine is good enough for me.
Apo. You will not take my advice, Sir John, and fo good day to ye.
Fal, Good day to you mafter, doctor, 'pothecary.
[Exit Apothecary.
SCENE VI. Tavern continued. Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal. And yet I know not whether I ought to wifh that neither ; for a good day to him mult be a bad one to fbme- body. A man of any confcience, or humanity, knows not how to falute fellows of fuch an occupation : for who would wifh the reft of mankind lame and blind, fick and forry, to find them employment, forfooth ? — PoorPiftol! I would not lofe him, methinks •, for, tho' he be a brag- gadocio knave, he is an old acquaintance ; and 1 never could find in my heart to part with old acquaintance merely becaufe they were good for nothing. King Hal is another fort of a man to what I am, to abandon his old friends in his profperity thus. Poor Pifto] !
Bar. Ecod, Sir John, it happen'd lucky forme, I can tell ye, that I came off fo well as I did, yefterday.
Fal. Ay, by 'r lady, thou playd'ft fair to get off in a whole fkin, and leave thy friend and mafter in extremity.
Bar. Nay 'pon my honour, Sir John, I did my utmoft to keep up with you : but 'twas unpoflibie ; and indeed it was very fortunable that I was not myfelf trod to death by the populous.
Fal. Thou ! tell me the moon is a Suffolk cheefe or a Windfor pear. Thou ! Have I not feen thee clear the ring, without a ftaff at a bear-baiting ? Thou might'ft make thy way through a legion, nay the millions of a croi- iade : why, who would come within a fathom of that fire- brand, thy nofe ? It is as a flaming two-edged fword. Wouldft thou make me believe the villains would come
near
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 39
ftear thee, to burn their holiday cloaths ? Thou wouldft have fet them a-blazing like ftubble, and have eonfum'd the whole proceffion of heralds, like men of ftraw. A plague upon them, it was in their avoiding thee, I fuppofe, that I had like to have died a martyr to corpulency.
Bar. Sir John, you are always plaguing me about my face ; what would you have me do with it ?
Fal. Do with it! If there were water enough in the Thames, I would have thee quench it. But water, I fear, can do nothing for thee •, fmce I remember, when we rode lail from Canterbury, with the rain beating full in our faces, thou cam'ft into the Borough with thy nofe and cheeks glowing red-hot, altho' they had been hifTing all the way like a horfe-fhoe or a tailor's goofe. God forgive me — but when thou rann'fi behind the hedge, in fear of the officer •, I could not help comparing him and thee to Mofes and the burning-bum. But thou wil£ in time be confumed : thy fire muft out.
Bar. I would it were out, fo be I might hear no more on't. In troth, Sir John, if I muft be always your butt, I mall feek another fervice I allure ye.
Fal. Nay, nay, good Bardolph, that mull not be. I fpeak not in disparagement, heav'n knows : for I mean to .cherifh thee againft the lack of fuel, or the visitation .of a Dutch winter. Thou wilt fland me in good Head for a ftove, and fave me a noble a week in the purchale of pit- coal.
Bar. 'Sblood, Sir John, I'll bear it no longer.
[Going.
Fal. Hold, Bardolph, where art thou going ? thou glow-worm in magnature with thy tail upwards ; thou pumpion-headed rafcal, Hay, or-
Bar. Give me good words, then, Sir John. Why pumpkin-head, pray now ?
Fal. Haft thou never feen a pumpion? fantastically carv'd and (et over a candle's-end, on a gate-poft, to frighten ale-wives from goifiping by owl-light ? That is a type of thee — that is thy emblem : thy head being hollow, full of light, and easily broken •, as thou fhalt experience, if thou offer'ft to fly thy colours till difbanded by authority. I
P 4 mall
40 FALSTAFF's WED DING.
Thai! need thee, I tell thee, to keep me warm under the coldnefs of the king's difpleafure.
Bar. Indeed, Sir John, burnt fack and ginger will do you mpre good : for whatfomever light I may give, I am fure, fet afide choler, I am as cold as e'er a white-liver'd younker in town.
Fal. Cold, fayft thou ! thy face would condemn thee for an incendiary before any bench of judicature in the kingdom ! thou wouldft carry apparent corn bufhibles into court with thee. Tell not me of cold. Thou wouldft certainly have been hang'd long ago, had not the fheriff been afraid thou wouldft have, fir'd the hangman or the gibbet.
Bar. Why, Sir John, I have been your attendant off and on thefe twenty years, come Candlemas ; and I don't find I have had any luch effe6t on yoii.
Fal. The reafon, you rogue, the reafon -, am not I oblig'd to keep a pipe of Canary constantly difcharging on me? Are not the tapfters perpetually employ'd ? the lack- buckets for ever a going, to keep me from blazing ? And yet at times my fkin is fhrivell'd up like an April pippin. - Mark me but walking an hundred paces, with thee glow- ing at my heels, if I do not broil and drip like a roafting ox.
Bar. Ah, you are pleas'd to be hard upon me, Sir John, but I'm fur e my face never hurt a hair of your head.
Fal. No I. look at 'em— hath it not turn'd them all grey ? Twenty years ago, before they were calcin'd by thy fire, my locks were of a nut-brown.
Bar. Why, you grow old, Sir John.
Fal. Old'! what call ye old? I am a little more than threefcpre ; and Methufalem liy'd to near a thoufand. Why may not I be a patriarch, and beget fons and daugh- • ters thefe hundred years, myfelf ?
Bar. Then you mult get a wife, Sir John, for your common fields, you know, never bear clover.
Fal. Marry ! what to be made a cuckold of, I warrant ye? " '
Bar. Why, Sir John, if you mould marry, you would pot like to be Gngular, I fuppofe.
FaLo
FALSTAEF's WEDDING. 41
Fal. Nay, for the matter of that, all's one : but who will have me ? Your dames of breeding are too fine an4 finicking for me to bear with them.
Bar. Ay, or for them to bear you, either, Sir John.
Fal. Nay, whoever has me, fhe mufb be no tenderling: Jfoe muft be none of your gingerbread lafies, that will crum- ble to pieces in the towzling. She muft be none of your wifny-wafhy, panada, gentry neither ; your curd and whey gentlefolks, that cannot fupport the embraces of a foldier. I muft have a kickfy-wickfey of more fubftantial ftufF.
Bar. Why, Sir John, what fay you to Madam Urfula, your old fweetheart ? You have courted her to my know- ledge thefe twenty years laft paft. I fuppofe you know her great aunt is dead, and has itft her four hundred marks a year.
Fal. No, by the lord, I heard nothing on't. She fent me a letter, indeed, intoGloucefterihire-, but, I was over a bottle, and would not interrupt the glafs to read it. I knew it was hers by the fuperfcription, which by the way, how- ever, was as unintelligible as the hand-writing on the wall. It had never reached me had not the bearer been adecy- pherer. Go, Bardolph, and fetch it: you will find it among other trumpery in my cloak-bag.
Exit Bardolph.
SCENE VII. Tavern continued. Falstaff, folus.
Four hundred marks a year, qucth he ! It were not an. unreafonable competence were not (herris comparatively fo dear. But if the female incumbrance on it mould turn out a flirew ; the Lord have mercy on me, in paying off the fins of my youth. Let me bethink me. Four hun- dred marks a year ! I have, it is true, fmall hopes from Hal ; and fhall grow old fome time or other. Thefe aches in my limbs forebode it. I cannot hold out for ever; that's certain. Were it not good, therefore, to make a virtue of necefiity, and take up while I am in cafe to reap the credit of reformation ? Could I reconcile it to my^ intereft, I believe my inclination would follow.
SCENE-
42 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
SCENE VIII. Tavern continued. Re-enter Bardolph.
Bar. There, Sir John, is the letter.
Fal. Come on : let us fee if we are mafter of fo much
Arabick as to find out her meaning. {Reads) Hum
hum hum ! Why, dame Urfula, thou haft a me- mory. I could have credited thee for fubtlety, on ac- count of that old friend to woman, the ferpent: but how thou cou!dft remember for fifteen years together what money I owed thee. — that indeed I cannot account for. I have myfelf forgot it long fince. She tells me here, I have borrow'd five hundred pounds of her at times, as tokens of my love. By the Lord, and as I am a ibldier, I will love her ftill, and (he (hall command femblable proofs of it.
(Reads on) Hum hum Repayment of the money
or the performance of my engagements ! Hoo ! Am I then to be married on compuinon ? That will go moll damnably againfl the grain. But hold — if I marry, her money will be mine : if not, fhe may ceafe to lend when fhe pleaies : and the fortune of that man is always at the turning of the tide that depends on the caprice of a woman.
Bar. Why marry her, then, Sir John. I dare fay fhe has heard nothing of your difgrace at court -, fo that fhe won't fland upon terms.
Fal. Marry, Bardolph, and I am half refolv'd to do fo. Yea, by the Lord, and I will too. She has befides two thouiand pounds in money, I will courageoufly make the attack and mount the breach of matrimony. If I fall into the hands of Philiftines •, why, good night. It is but going into purgatory a few years before my time. Bardolph, get me pen and ink, in the cupid. Thou fhalt be one of love's meiTengers. — I will write to her in trope and figure : metaphor and hyperbole carry all before them with the women. Let her refill lyes and nonienfe if fhe can. [Exeunt.
SCENE
FALSTAFF's WEDDING* r 43 ^
SCENE IX. An Apartment at Court.
Enter King Henry, the Earl of Cambridge, and Lord
Scroop.
life. ^isHT .jta'S
King. (Untring^ to Scroop.) I thank thee, Scroop • _{T and to thy zeal and care - -bidsiA
Commit the bufinefs of fair Nell's difpofal. ..„ mmi
Mean time, my lord, on more important matter ytom
I need your honeft counfel.— My good lord Cambridge Will-give me too his thoughts upon the bufinefs. uo$ "uo/{j
Cam. ..My liege, you do me honour. f pnorn
King. Not a whit. m avfid
You heard what late th' archbifhop mov'd, in councilir/oii6d Refpecling the difpofal of church benefices. His grace has laid a paper fince before us, Wherein he Hands up ftoutly for his temporals.
Scroop. Doubtlefs, my liege, if churchmen had their -
will, oj nsjii
The bell of them woiild never give confent yldsnoisb
To ftrip the church of its o'ergrown poffefTions, jnom ipr!
Tho' half the nation's wealth were in her hands. |J n^rlw
King. But what is thy opinion, honeft Scroop ? %'6Sihs Is't not injuftice to deprive the church .nsmow
Of thofe poffefTions dying men have will'd <sa2
By legal teftament ?
Scroop. The publick good, I hold, my fov'reign liege s ? To be the firft great rule of right and wrong: The rights of individuals hence are facred No longer than conducing to the publick. Is't for ^your majefty's, or England's, honour That half our glebe be holden by the church, To fatten monks, and pamper lazy friars, That fwarm like peftful loculls o'er the land ?
King. What faith my lord of Cambridge ?
Cam. The point, my liege, is truly nice and tender* So deep the intereft of the church is rooted, While fuch regard implicitly it claims -. ;
From ev'ry true believer, that I doubt If fuch a ftep can with fuccefs be taken. I own, I never profited as yet
From
44 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
From ought that WicklirT, or his tribe, have taught; Holding it facrilege to rob the church.
Scroop. Not more than I, my pious earl of Cambridge j No'r have I profited by Wickliff's doctrine. But who will call a den of thieves the church ? Why hold we Edward's memory fo dear, But that thou knoweft in his glorious reign The famous mortmain flatute was enacted : Happy for England that had elfe, ere now, A nation been of monafteries and churches, Paying allegiance to its king the pope.
King. Ay, Scroop, there lies the fore. The king, our father, Out of a holy zeal to mother church, Slacken'd the reins of that prerogative The Edwards held fo tight upon the clergy. Hence new encroachments, and a bold contempt, Of our authority, from Rome.
Cam. As touching this, my liege, the holy fee Has doubtlefs gone too far, in granting cures To monks and laymen, and in difpenfations For their non-refidence, and other articles Injurious to the honour of the crown.
Scroop. Norlefs injurious to its intereft, Cambridge. Believe me, Rome confults its profits more Than that our priefbs deferve the cure of fouls ! Say to what end the. clergy mould be rich, But to lay out their wealth where it improves. I do not mean in heav'n, my gracious liege : They lay not up in ftore their treafures there : But where preferments may be bought — at Rome. It is to Rome their plate and moneys fly, To fee ecclefiaftick fycophants •, To nurfe rebellion ; and inflame the minds Of bigot fubjects 'gainft their lawful fovercigns.
Cam. My liege, the dukes of York and Exeter, With the young princes, pafs along the gallery.
King. Go, bid them in. [Exit Cambridge.
Scroop, let this fubjecl: of the clergy reit ; I will rename it at a proper feafon,
And
FAL STAFF'S WEDDING. 45
And hold thee farther queftion oh the matter.
SCENE X. Apartment continued.
Enter Cambridge, with the Dukes of Gloucester, Bedford, Clarence, York, and Exeter.
King. Well, my good lords, what is the news 0' th' day ? Hear we yet nothing from our brother Charles, Concerning thofe lame dukedoms we've requir'd, O'er which he lords it in our realm of France ?
York. As yet, my liege, we've naught but vague re- ports. Thefe fay, indeed, the haughty French affect To treat your highnefs' claim with proud difdain : That Charles refer'd your envoys to the dauphin ; Whofe meflengers, already on the way, May hourly be expected.
King. To the dauphin ! I fent them to the king.
York. Moft true my liege, But going hence before your coronation, 'Tis faid, weak Charles has taken thence occafion To caft affront upon your royalty.
King. 'Tis well. The dauphin's anfwer ihall fuffice. Would it were come : I long, methinks, to hear The meffage Charles himfelf difdain'd to fend. I would not, for his fake, it mould give caufe To make him blulh for his young heir's difcretioit. Our coufin's wit, we're told, is pafling fhrewd, Tho' oft ill-tim'd; and hurtful to his friends. Let him beware — mine was no idle errand : And well deferv'd a king's moft ferious anfwer.
Exeter. The fon's difcretion yet may match the fire*s; Who, with fuch unadvifed affectation, Prefumes to treat your majefty fo lightly.
Scroop. Affect contempt ! a flapping, meagre tribe I And mail the ape unpunifh'd mock the lion ? By heav'n, my liege, I would fo well chaftife them^—
King. My lords, our judgment hold we in fufpenfc Until thefe French ambaffadors arrive. For heav'n defend we mould, in pride or wantonnefs, Awake the furv of grim-vifagM war,
To
46 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
To wave her bloody banner o'er a kingdom,
And reap, with th' fword, the harveft of deftrudtion.
Yet, to lay truth, I cannot flatter me
So fierce and formidable a pow'r as France,
At once, will yield to part with her poffefnons,
In pure regard tojuflice and our right,
Reftoring quietly, upon demand,
Thofe fertile dukedoms, feignories, and towns,
That add the greateft luftre to the crown,
And conftitute the ftrength of half the kingdom.
York. On that molt politick and juft fufpicion, Wifely your highnefs doth augment your forces ; Levying new pow'rs, to keep in awe the Scots, And in your abfence curb domeftick broils ; While, taking meet advantage of the time, You may by force acquire what force detains.
King. Uncle, this is mofl: needful — fee we, therefore, Our warlike preparations do not flag. Be we prepar'd, that, as occafion ferve, We may tranfport our powers acrofs the main, And on the fpot our rightful caufe maintain. [Exeunt.
S C E N E II. An Apartment. Dame Ursula, and Bridget attending.
Urs. And do you think, Bridget, Sir John will at laft be as good as his word, then ? How fits my ruff to day ? I would thou hadft bought me one of thofe new-fafhioned farthingales.
Brid. O, madam, you are mighty fine, as it is, truly: and, I am fure, Sir John can do nothing lefs than admire you.
Urs. Thinkeft thou fo, Bridget ? why, to be certain, a peach-colour'd fattin does become my complexion hugely. But I think the rofes are faded in my cheeks. Well, no matter : he might have gather'd them twenty years ago, had not he been a rover. I hope, however, he has fown all his wild oats before now, and that I fhaH yet have the fatisfaftion to be call'd my lady Falftaff.
Brid. To be fure, madam •, and tho' Sir John is but a knight at prefent, he will very afluredly, now the young
kin":
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 47
king is crown'd, be made a great lord, and may be a duke. Indeed, madam, I cannot think of lefs.
Urs. And then mail I be a dutchefs, Bridget. jDame Urfula a dutchefs !
Brid. Ay, madam, that will be a day to fee ; if I am fo happy as to be in your grace's favour.
Urs. For certain, Bridget, thou malt. Well, I mufi confefs, in fpite of my blufhes, I do love Sir John Falflaff. How like a icholar and a gentleman he writes.
[Takes out a letter, and reads.
" To my foul's idol, the mirror of love and conftancy." Conftancy ! he might well fay conftancy : for who among the gill- flirts of thefe days has referv'd, like myfelf, the fame affection for the fame man for twenty years together ? It is true, indeed, I have not had any other offer, in the mean time : but that doubtlefs has been owing to my fup- pofed engagements with Sir John ; that frighten'd away all other young cavaliers. Well, this love is a ftrange -thing I there is Sir John has deceiv'd me a thoufand times, and yet, I know not how, he always perfuaded me he was lincere.
Brid. A fure fign you lov'd him, madam.
Urs. And yet, to be fure, before I receiv'd this letter, I thought I never mould hear from him again, and had almoft come to a refolution to carl him entirely off.
Brid. In good footh, madam, and that is very pru- dent •, to caft off a lover when we find he will leave us.
Urs. I think fo, and not a little imprudent to do it be- fore, for one of my years at leaft.
Brid. Why, madam, you are not fo old.
Urs. Indeed, but I am — old enough to know I ought not to part with one lover 'till I am fure of another.
Brid. To be fure, madam, a bird in the hand is worth two in the buffi •, but the fport of hampering the rogues, who are at liberty, is fo vaftly pretty.
Urs. Ay, if we were fure of catching them at laft : but, Bridget, Bridget, how often do they efcape through our ringers and give us the flip ! Befides it is for younger laffes than I to go bird-catching. — I cannot throw fait on the tail of a fparrow now,
Brid,
48 FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Brid. O, madam, we fhall fee that. Sir John will be here prefently.
Urs. Blefs us, Bridget, here he comes. Introduce him and leave us. [Exit Bridget.
SCENE XII. Same Apartment continued. Enter Falstaff.
Fal. Well, my fair princefs, fee thy wand'ring knight;
Urs. Welcome to London, Sir John •> thou art indeed a wanderer.
Fal. A true knight-errant for thy fake.
Urs. For my fake, Sir John ?
Fal. Ay, for thine, my Helen. Have I not encoun- ter'd tremendous giants and fiery dragons, in the rebels of Northumberland and Wales ? And then for magicians and enchanted caftles : Owen Glendower and his Welch devils we put to the rout ; and many a ftrong-hold between here and Weft-Chefter have I vifited, releafingfairdamfels and diftreifed 'fquires from captivity. I brought two of the latter up to town ; I would they were fafely immur'd in the country again.
Urs. And all thefe exploits for me, Sir John.
Fal. As I am a true knight, to lay my laurels at thy feet.
Urs. Do you then ftill love me in fincerity, Sir John ?
Fal. Do I love thee ? Am I a foldier ? Have I cou- rage ? Love thee ; I will be thy Troilus, and thou fhalt be my CrefTida.
Urs. You have long told me fo, indeed.
Fal. And can I lye ? Thou fhalt be fole pofTefTor of my perfon and wealth. Thou fhalt lhare in the honours done me at the court of the new king. Thou fhalt — but what fhalt thou not do ? We will be married incontinently.
Urs. O, Sir John, you know your own power and our fex's weaknefs : but indeed for decency I cannot fo fpeed- ily confent. Befides, Sir John, I am not yet put into poffemon of my eflate and moneys.
Fal. Nay then, as thou fayft, love, for decency's fake, we mud bear with a fhort delay : but I will no longer be kept out of poffefllon than thou art.
Urs»
f
FALSTAFF's WEDDING, 40
Urs. You fhall not, Sir John : and, in the mean time, our lawyers fhali confer on the terms of our marriage.
Fal. I hate lawyers. Let a prieft luffice. Am not I a man of honour ?
To do thee lefs than juftice were a fin. Giye me thy lips •, we'll fettle all within.
End of the Third Act*
ACT IV. SCENE I,
A Tavern in Eastcheap. Sir Johh Falstaff, fitting at a Table. Enter BardolphV
Bar. OIR John, here is the hobbling friar again, that j^5 has been fo often to afk after you. Shall we fay you are at home ?
Fal. Ay, let him in. What can the gouty precifian want with me ? [Enter Friar.
Friar. Peace be with you. Sir John, God fave ye.
Fal. Thank thee good father. What is your reverence's will ?
Fri. I think thou doft not know me, Sir John. It is indeed many years fince our peribnal intimacy : your way of life and mine >-
Fal. Were fomething different, father, to be fure : and tho' I may have feen you before, it is fo long fince I have been at fhrift, that I rtiuft crave your pardon if I have totally forgot ye. And yet your reverence may be my ghoftly father, for ought I know.
Fri. Fie, fie, Sir John, a man of your age and gravity.
Fal. Hoh ! if your bufmefs be to chide me, I fhut mine ears.
Fri. If you will not admit your wound to be proVd 5 how can you expect to be cur'd, Sir John ,?
E Fal,
5o FALSTAFF'sV/EDDING.
Fal. Cur'd! 'fblood, I took thee foraprieft, and I find thou art a furgeon.
Fri. A Ipiritual one, Sir John ; and fuch as your dif- order requires.
Fal. Doft thou know my cafe then ? A ipiritual fur- geon fayft thou ? I am not given over by the ilirgeons bo- dily yet. Who call in the divine till they have lent out the doctor ?
Fri. I know your cafe well, Sir John. Il is perhaps lefs your 'body than your mind that is infected.
Fal. Nay, like enough. I have indeed been damna- bly difpirited ever fmce the king's coronation. A con- founded melancholy hangs upon me like a quotidian ague.
Fri. It is that melancholy, and the caufe of it, Sir John, I would remove.
Fal. And how wouldft thou remove it ? By providing me with a charge of horfe, and reftoring me to the king's favour. I know no other way.
Fri. By inducing thee to repent, and be reftor'd to the favour of the King of kings ± which thou halt forfeited by a diftblute and abandoned life. Doft thou not think thou art in a ftate of reprobatio'n ?
Fal. Pray, friar, by what authority doft thou take upon thee to catechife me ? Doft thou come out of mere charity, or art thou employ'd by thy fuperiors ?
Fri. Suppofe the former, Sir John.
Fal. Suppofe the former, father friar, why then the devil is fo ftrong in me, that I mould be tempted to throw thee headlong down ftairs for thy charitable impertinence.
Fri. Thy ill-manners, Sir John, would be inexcufable,
■ it not to be fuppofed the confequence of an habitual
ipathy to ev'ry thing that is good. But, I will not lay
aim to greater merit than is my due. I am come by order of my Lord-chief-juftice ; who is fo much your friend as to intereft himfelfin your reformation.
Fal. fuy Lord chitr'-juftice ! that's another matter. I cry thee mercy, reverend father. I find thou'rt not the man I took thee for. Your reverence does me honour •, and I profefs I am much indebted to his lordlhip's kind love and regard to my foul's health.
Fri. You'll hear me then, Sir John.
Fal.
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 51
Fal. Yea, heav'n forbid I mould not — what I faid was meant again!! thofe officious zealots, who are fo forward to pry into mens confciences that will not bear the look- ito.
.1. Sir John, we know your failings •, and mail not put you to the trouble of auricular confefTion at prefent.
Fal. There, friar, thou win'it my heart. Come fit thee down. "Wilt drink a gl'afs of fack ? Fiu. I never do, Sir John.
Fal. I cry thee mercy, then. Here is to your reve- rence's health ; and now, III teli thee what,— I do proteft I fit me now upon, the flool of repentance, and have been honeftly deliberating, fome time paft, to change my courfe of life. I am heartily tir'd of it. Indeed, I am, good fa- ther.
Fri. I am ejad to find thee in fuch promifins difoofi- tions, and think thou couldit not do better than to betake thyfelf, agreeable to his lordfhip's indentions, to fome mo- nailery, where thou wilt be fe eluded from temptations, and have all fpiritual adlilance to encourage thee to mortify the defires of the flelh.
Fal. Hold thee there, good father. Let me under- ftand thee. What ! would his lordfhip make a monk of me ? I muff there beg his pardon. A monk •, and to mortify the flefh ! For heav'ns fake, good father, confide r what a mortification indeed that muft be to me, who have fix times the quantity of any other man. If I mult be in- cluded within the pale of the church, why not make a canon of me (not indeed a minor canon) but a prebendary, or a bifhop, now. Something might be faid for either of thefe. But for a monk ! I know not any thing I am lefs fit for ; unleis indeed his lordfhip had meant to make a running footman of me.
Fri. Nay, Sir John, his lordfhip will not ufe compul- fion in this. He will not fo far lay a reftraint on your in- clinations.
Fal. O, if I ever find myfelf that way inclin'd ; his lordfhip may depend on it I fhall be as ready as ever to follow my inclinations. But the lefTon of lean and fallow abflinence is very long and hard, good father ; I am not gotten half-way through the firft chapter yet.
E 2 Fal.
52 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Fri. Some fteps, however, Sir John, you muft take, toward a more reputable way of life ; and that fpeedily too : otherwife you will be ftript of the honours of knight- hood-, and the king's fentence of banifhment will be ftrictly put into execution againft you.
Fal. As to the matter of knighthood ; once a knight and always a knight, you know. The king may make as many knights as he pleafes •, but he will not lb eafily unmake them again. My title will not depend on the king's courtefy, but on that of my followers. I am, not- withftanding, very defirous to give his lordfhip fatis- faclion : and do allure thee, on the honour of a foldier, of the fmcerity of my repentance.
Fri. And yet this may be only a tranfitory penitence, owing to your late difappointment. What reafon canft thou give me to hope this ftate of mind will continue ?
Fal. Why, father, what I am fhortly going to do is an act, that has confm'd many a man to a ftate of repentance, which hath continued to the lafl hour of his life.
Fri. This, Sir John, is laying fomething. Pray what are you going to do ?
Fal. I have taken a refolution, father, to What
doit thou think now it is I have refolv'd upon ?
Fri. Some commendable act of penance, no doubt.
Fal. Nay, it may well be call'd fo, I believe. I am determin'd, good father, to marry.
Fri. Call you that an act of penance, Sir John ? Is marriage a ftate of mortification ?
Fal. I wifh i may not find it fo.
Fri. Well, Sir John, marriage is a holy ftate -, and in fome degree I approve your refolution •, but, in the efti- mation of the church, it is alfo an holy act, and ought not to be enter'd into unadviicdly. Your repentance fhould preceed your receiving the benefit of that facrament.
Fal. O, doubt not but I ihall repent me fufficiently afterwards.
Fri. Ah ! Sir John, Sir John, I fear me you are no true penitent : but, however, it may be lawful to ialve what cannot be effectually cur'd. I did not expect to make a convert at the firft interview. If thou takeft any meafures that tend towVd reformation, thou fhalt have my
prayers
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 53
prayers and beft afliftance therein. Another time I win hold farther converfation with thee.
Fal. In the mean time, good father, let me ftand fair in your report to my Lord chief-juftice and his majeicy.
Fri. Thou fhalt ftand fairer than I fear thou deferveft. Farewel. [Exit Friar.
SCENE II. Tavern continued. Falstaff, folus.
Fare thee well, good father friar. What an hypocritical puritan ! Would not drink fack ! Not with the ungodly I luppofe. But I am damnably miftaken, if he be not in- debted for that rofy countenance and the gout, to the pene- trating qualities of old fherris. Bardolph ! get ready to attend me forth. I'll tow'rd St. Paul's. [Exit.
SCENE III. An Apartment at Court. Enter King, Lord Scroop, and others.
King. The French ambaffadors ! they fhall have au- dience. But firft we fhall difpatch the faucy legate.
Lord. My liege, he comes j and with my lords the biihops.
SCENE IV. Apartment continued.
Enter Archbifhop of Canterbury, the Pope's Legate, and other Biihops.
Arch. Heav'n fhow'r its choiceft bleflings on your ma- jefty. May conqueft, honour, peace, and length of days, Attend your glorious reign. My liege, the nuncio.
King. Well, my lord cardinal, your reverence Hath frefh difpatches from the court of Rome : What is their tenour ?
Leg. Such as well becomes The court of Rome, his holinefs our mailer, The delegate of heav'n, and firft in power Of all the kings and princes in the world \
E 3 . Him
54 FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Him at whofe feet obedient monarchs bow, As unto God's vice gerent here on earth. In iubftance this — your majefty muft yield —
Scroop. Mud ! lordly prieft ! Where didft thou learn thy manners ? That word will work. [Aside.
Leg. Lord, where didft thou ? I fpoke unto the king.
King. Lord Scroop your love and zeal make you too bold.
Scroop. Your highnefs pardon me ; but you're too good To grant an audience to th' ill-manner'd prieft, Who dares to cait fuch infult upon majefty. Muft yield, my liege ! '„ King. Proceed, lord cardinal.
Leg. In few, king Henry, nothing will his holinefs Abate of thofe pretenfions he hath founded, Refpecting the difpofal of church gifts, And the provifions made by th' holy fee For any prieft or bimop in the realm : By me enjoining, hence, the king of England To put them peaceably in full poiTefiion Of all the temporalities, that now, Or heretofore, were known to them belonging.
King. And all this muft be done.
Scroop. Ay muft, my liege.
King. Enough. — Lord cardinal, we underftand ye. — And as we labour here in fome neceffity
Leg. Yet more : his holinefs requires that law Should be repeal'd, which now declares it treafon To levy contributions on the clergy, For fpiritual ule, without content of parliament.
King. 'Tis well; thus much for us, and now for you. Your excellence muft take that loyal oath Your predeceffor took in Richard's time ; — Doft thou remembef'tj uncle Exeter ?
Exet. It is, my liege, that he fhall neither act, Permit, or caufe whatever to be acted, That's detrimental to the king's prerogative, Or laws o'th' kingdom : that he'd execute No bulls or mandates hurtful to your perfon, The rights o' th" crown, and legal conftitution :
And
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 55
And more particularly never fend
Our jewels, plate, and monies hence abroad,
Without a licenfe from the king and council.
King. This, my lord cardinal, for you : the reft We'll fend by fpecial envoy to the pope.
Leg. Impofe an oath on me ! mistaken prince ! I am a fervant to the King of heav'n ; And owe allegiance unto none but him, And to his reprefentative at Rome.
King. See that thou take this oath in three days time, Or henceforth let me fee thy face no more ; But leave our kingdom as you prize your life. Nay, make me no reply. I'll hear no more.
[Exit King and Lords.
S'C E N E V Continued.
Manent Archbimop of Canterbury, Legate, and other
Biihops.
Arch. Lord cardinal, you are too bold and peremptory- Did not I teli you this was not your way •, That Henry was not to be intimidated ?
Leg. You did. I have indeed o'erfhot the mark ; I fee the error now. But fay, my lord, What's to be done ?
i\ rch. For Rome, I fear not much : for, as for us, Of England's clergy, we can aid you little. We iliall have much to do to fave ourfelves. Nay, to do this, I fee no other means Than that of giving fuch a mighty fum, As may fuffice the prefent wants o' th' court. This may perhaps defer the evil day, In which the laity will ftrip the church. But let's my lords to Lambeth •, there are met Our other rev'rend brethren, the lords bifhops ; There we'll commune together on our grievances.
[Exeunt all but the Legate.
E 4 SCENE
56 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
SCENE VI. Continued. Legate, folus.
And is it thus ? I then will take this oath.
For hence I will not, till this upftart king
Shall itoop, and kifs the rod of my correction.
No, I will flay and fow the feeds of difcord,
'Till, like the fabled dragon's teeth of old,
They moot up into rebels arm'd againft him.
Th' imprifbn'd Mortimer, the legal heir's
A pious friend to Rome. He fhall be king ;
Or I will ipread fo wide the fcene of blood,
Thai: England fhall be one continued flaughter-houfe.
The French defpife the haughty ftripling's claims,
And doubtlefs will aflift in this good work.
I'll get a mandate fent exprefs from Rome,
That mail abfolve his fubjedts of allegiance.
Harry fit fail, or quickly thou {halt know,
Jiow dang'rous 'tis to make the church thy foe.
SCENE VII. A Street. Enter Juilice Shallow and Mailer Slender.
Shal. Take me — take me this letter, I fay, to Sir John Falftaff. — That is his futtling-houfe. I will maul his cloak-bag of chitterlings with my rapier, as I may.
Slen. And will you fight him, coufin ? Well, hang me if I carry the challenge. I never could abide the thoughts of cold iron. Even a key put down my back for a bloody nofe, ugh — ugl> — ugh, would always fet me a fhuddering.
Shal. Don't tell me — if the law will not get me my money, I'll be reveng'd#of him. The tun-bellied knave mall not make fuch a fool of me. I will have his blood or my money.
Slen. His blood ! O lud ! O lud ! Why, coufin Shal- low, you are enough to .
Shal. Carry me this letter, I fay, to Sir John Falftaff. What is it to you ? If I am kill'd, you are my heir, and come in for my land and beaves. So do as I bid you.
Slen.
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 57
Slen. Ecod, that's true. I did not think of that: if my coufin's kill'd, I come in for his eftate. (Afide) Ay, ay, give it me, I'll carry him the challenge. Hey ! here he comes, with his bottle-nos'd man, that pick'd my pocket.
Shal. Ay, he would pafs without feeing us.
SCENE VIII. Street continued. Enter Falstaff, and Bardolph.
Shal. Sir John! Sir John Falftaff!
Bar. Sir John, juftice Shallow calls ye.
Fal. What would the blade of ipear-mint have with me ? I have done with him.
Shal. But I have not yet done with you, Sir John ? I would firft have my thoufand pound of you again.
Fal. You would, matter Shallow ! like enough ! You rnuft take me then in the humour. I am at prefent ill— difpos'd to your fuit.
Shal. Tut, Sir John. I have faid I will not tamely put up this wrong. If I do, I fhall be flouted and gib'd to death : I mail be purfued by the mockery of a whole hundred.
Fal. Not unlikely. But, believe me, the more you buflle in this bufinefs, the more you will expofe yourfelf. The more you flir you know the proverb, mailer Shal- low, it is a little homely, fo let that pafs. Yet, let me advife thee •, reft content.
Shal. Content ! I am not content. I cannot be con- tent. Nay, I will not be content. Give me back the money, or I will have fatisfaclion of thee.
Fal. Satisfaction, fayfl thou ? Why thou wilt not dare me to the combat.
Shal. Such provocation would make a coward fight, Sir John.
Fal. If it make thee fight, I'll be fworn it would : for I have feen thee tremble at the making of a wheat-ear.
Shal. To be bamboozled ! cheated ! laught at ! I will not put it up. By heav'ns, I will not put it up.
Fal. Well faid, mailer Shallow. Now I fee there's mettle in thee. But furely thou would'ft not be the firfl
to
5& FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
to break the peace ? thou, whofe office it is to puniih the breach of it.
Shal. Sir John, there are times and reafons for all things. If you will neither give me my money nor gen- tleman's fatisfaction, I will have thee tofs'd in a blanket for a poltroon as thou art.
Fal. They muil be {tout carls, mafter Shallow, that tofs me in a blanket.
Shal. Well, well, we mall fee, I'll parley with you no longer. Coufin Slender don't ftand mill I, fhall I, but give him the note.
Slen. Ay, ay, if coz is kill'd, I fhall have his eftate ; and fo there's the challenge.
[Exeunt Shallow and Slender.
SCENE IX. Continued. Falstaff and Bardolph.
Fal. A challenge ! By the Lord, and it is a chal- lenge. 1 am call'd upon here to meet him at fingle rapier. Hoo ! what a turluru ! In the name of common-fenfe is the fool turn'd madman ? What means the fimple tony by this ? To get his money again ? Does he think by running me thro' the pericardium to become my heir at law ? The fearful flag is at bay, and become defperate. But let me fee — what's to be done here ? I am in perfon too much of a knight to engage with fo little a 'fquire. — I have it. — Bardolph, I being your mafter and a knight, thou art by the laws of chivalry no ieis than a 'fquire. Now, as I take it, this quarrel is properly thine : thou mult meet juftice Shallow at fingle rapier.
Bar. I, Sir John. He has no quarrel againfl me. The challenge is given to your honour.
Fal. Tiue, but I tell thee my honour difdains to en- counter a pitiful 'fquire : thou mull take my fword and fight him.
Bar. I fha.r: only difgrace your arms, Sir John.
Fal. Go to, you will do well. He knows nothing of the fword j and mould he challenge thee at piftols, put a charge into each barrel, and prefent thy nofe at him : he will never ftand thy fire.
Bar.
FAL STAFF'S WEDDING. 59
Bar. Indeed, Sir John I muft beexcus'd. I never could fight in my life, unlefs there was fomething to be got by it ; for a booty on the highway, or ib.
Fal. Why 'tis for a thoufand pound, you rogue.
Bar. And where's the money ?
Fal. At my cafhier's.
Bar. Well then, Sir John, why mould we fight for it ?
Fal. Bardolph, thou art a coward -, but no matter. I have a thought : I will meet him myfelf. See that my buckler be well lin'd that I fought with at Shrewfbury.
[Exeunt*
S C E N E X. An Apartment. Enter Lord Scroop and the Earl of Cambridge.
Scroop. Now comes the feafon of commotion on.
The French ambafTadors have had their audience,
And carry back defiance to their mailer.
The nettled Harry arms, mean-time, for France ;
Inviting all the gallant youths of Britain,
To join his rafhnefs in this expedition.
Cam. We muft with him too.
Scroop. Curfe on his favour : yes ; he means, forfooth, To do us honour.
Cam. Had we fcaid at home, We might, perhaps, have fedz'd fome fair occafion To ftrike the crown offhis ufurping head. And place it on the rightful brows of Mortimer. The legate is already our ftaunch friend, And France will aid our plot t' enfure fuccefs : Yet ftiil we cannot make our party ftrong. While Harry keeps that eagle eye upon us, At ev'ry ftep we ftumble on fufpicion.
Scroop. Why, if his eye oftend thee, pluck it out.
Cam. Would he were out o' th' way.
Scroop. Canft thou not fend him ? No time more opportune could have been wifh'd, Than when, full fledg'd and on the wing for France, His troops embark'd, and all intent on conqueft, He means to follow. Might he not be fent A longer journey than from hence to Normandy ?
Cam.
6© FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
Cam. Whither?
Scroop. To heav'n.
Cam. Would he, indeed, were there.
Scroop. Couldft thou not ftrike a blow ? a home one.
Cam. Hal
Scroop. Could not thy poniard fteal into his heart ?
Cam. 'Twere better guided by fome other hand. In open fight I could encounter lions ; But bear no fteady point i' th' trade of murther.
Scroop. In open fight ! and wouldfl thou covet ha- zard ? Who feeks thro' danger to obtain the end, That may be reach'd without, may boaft an heart ; But gives flrong proofs o' ths weakneis of his head.
Cam. Scroop, I object not unto Harry's death; Nor to the fafeft means to cut him off: I only would not be his executioner. Who means to profit by the murd'rer's work, Shold never bear the odium of his guilt.
Scroop. I did not mean you e'er mould profit by't. But fear makes blockheads cunning. \_/4Jide.
Cambridge, methinks thou fhouldft be firft to ftrike : Whofe is the caufe, but Mortimer's and thine ?
Cam. And yet I will not be mylelf th' afiafiin : It would be both impoliticly and dangerous : I wonder, Scroop, thy prudence fees it not. Villains enow there are for fuch employ : Had we not better hire fome ruffian's poniard ; One whofe mifcarriage might not even reach us ; And yet, fucceeding, on whofe worthlefs head The vengeance of the publick hate might fall ; We feeming but the while to take th' advantage Of fuch an accident to raife up Mortimer.
Scroop. Curfe on't. Th' affair is thine: there's not a villain Money will bribe but will his int'reft find As much in his betraying us.
Cam. I would not truft to intereft alone: But a deep-grounded hate and fix'd refentmcnt Againft th' ufurper's perfon may do much.
Scroop. Who bears him fuch good- will ?
Cam.
PALSTAFF's WEDDING. 61
Cam. The banifh'd Falftaff-, His late moft hopeful tutor and companion ; A finifh'd villain !
Scroop. Yes, too much a villain. Damn him he has not honefty enough.
Cam. If but his hatred's amply keen 'twill do : And, if I'm well inform'd, you now will find him For mifchief ripe, and thirfty for revenge.
Scroop. Harry hath treated him, indeed, but roughly; But all fuch daftard wretches can forgive. Befides, they fay he's but a bluflring coward, That wears his dagger only in his mouth.
Cam. Yes, he can ftab. This, Scroop, is coward's work. He hates young Harry, and with grounded reafon ; I cannot think but, comes this tafk a foot, He's a moft proper villain.
Scroop. I will found him ; And as I find him fitting for our purpofe, Will feek to bind him fall unto our fervice. Mean time, neglect not thou Sir Thomas Grey, Who wifhes well to thee and to our caufe.
Cam. I will not.
Scroop. Neither is it lefs expedient To teach thy fword lefs honour and more fafety. Say Harry falls, three brothers yet remain ; And ere thyfelf, or Mortimer, fucceed The fons of Bolingbroke muft freely bleed.
[Exeunt, feverally.
SCENE XL A Field. Enter Falstaff.
Aha — Aha — What a vile mift there is abroad this evening ! I cannot fee a fword's length before me. This muft be the fpot. But where is our adverfary ? I would not have him, methinks, loft in the fog. Mafter Shallow ! Mafter Shallow !
SCENE XII.
Enter Shallow, ftript for the Combat.
Shal. Ay, ay, Sir John, here am I. Fal. Saints and good angels guard us ! what is this ?
Shal.
62. FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Shal. Come, Sir John, draw, draw.
Fal. It calls me by my name too ! Jefu Maria ! It is no deceptio vifus: In the name of heav'n and earth, what art thou ? Ouphe, fairy, ghofl, hobgoblin, or demon ? Exorcifo te. — Pater nqjter
Shal. Come, Sir John, don't think to put me from my purpofe, you know me very well. You know juftice Shal- low to his cofl.
Fal. How ! can this thing be Robert Shallow of GJou- ceflerfhire, efq; juflice of the peace, and of the quorum ? I took it for fome ftrolling ghofl eicap'd out of purgatory 7 by all that's terrible.
Shal. Sir John, this mockeiy mall not fufEce you.
Fal. Nay, it is true, as I am a finner.
Shal. Will you fight me, Sir John, or will you not ?
Fal. Fight thee ! When thou feeft the princely eagle defcend to encounter with the tomtit. What ! fhall the lofty elephant wield his probofcis againft a mite ? Shall Sir John Falftafr draw his martial fword againil fuch a pigwid- geon as thou ?
Shal. What then did you come here for, Sir John ? If you would not be treated as a coward, lay down your tar- get, and draw.
Fal. Lay down my target, fayfl thou ? Who would be fool then ? Look ye, matter Shallow (fince mallow thou wilt be) if I fight, it mull be on equal terms. It is but equitable that my body mould be fecur'd, when I engage with an unfubftantial form • a thing that has none. Doll thou think me fuch a goofe-cap as to lay open this fair round belly to the point of thy rapier, when thou prelenteft not a mark for me. It were as good as pricking at a lottery, ten thoufand blanks to a prize, to make a thrull at thee. It were indeed more than a miracle to hit what, rhetorically fpeaking, is impalpable. But come, if thou muft fight with me, thou malt not fay I deal unfairly by thee. To draw my fword would be needlefs : for hit thee I never fhall. — That's flat. Therefore Toledo reft thou in thy fcabbard. This is my ward. (Stands on his defence with his target.) Carry thy point as thou wilt: if thou canfl not come into me before thou art weary, the
money
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 63
money is mine 5 if thou deft, and woundeft me, I will then — keep it to pay the furgeon. So, come on.
Shal. Sir John, you are a cowardly knave, and I will
kill you if I can. (They fight. Mr. Shallow thriifis at Sir
John, who receives his point always on his target.
Fal. Well faid, matter Shallow. — Bravo ! — To't again.— Sa — -Sa. (.Shallow breaks his /word, and Faljiaff clofes with him, and feizes him by the collar ; on which Shal- low falls down on his knees, and Faljiaff claps the target on his head. Ha ! have I nabb'd you ? You mould have appointed fticklers, Mr. Shallow. What if I fhould cut thy throat now ? (Taking off the target.
Shal. Sir John, my life is in your hands : but you know you have wrong'd me.
Fal. Well then, thy wrongs be forgotten ; and, on that condition, I give thee back thy forfeited life.
Shal. And I hope alfoyou won't bear malice, Sir John, againft me for the future.
Fal. By the Lord, not I. I do admire thy magnani- mity and valour. Why, thou art the very mirror of prowefs, and pink of 'fquire errantry. John of Gaunt was a fool to thee. Were I a king thou Ihouldfb, for this day's work, be made a knight with, all the honours of chivalry. Nay, by our lady, I will take ma-jetty upon me, and knight thee myfelf. Rife up Sir Robert Shallow, knight of the molt horrible order of combatants and mur- derers of the fifth button. And now, Sir Robert, if thou dofc not think the title I've beftow'd on thee worth the thoufand pound I owe thee ; I give thee my word, that, when fack is cheap, and I have money to fpare, I will think of thee ; and fo farewell, Sir Robert Shallow, knight.
[Exit Falstaff.
SCENE XIII.
Shallow, folus.
The devil fure is in fee with this roirting beli-fwarser. There is no good to be made of him any way. I find I muft perforce fit me down contented, and bear my lofs
i as
64 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
as I may. I hope neverthelefs to fee the rafcal come to the gallows yet.
O were I fure that once would come to pafs ; That he might pay for making me an afs !
End of the Fourth Act.
ACT V. SCENE I.
An Apartment.
Enter Friar Paul, and Eleanor Poins.
Fri. T^\ Aughter, 'twas indifcreet fo long to hide
JL/ This rude behaviour of lord Scroop from me.
Ele. Alas, good father, 'twas for that I fear'd He might increafe the anger of the king. Nor mould I now have told your rev'rence ought, But that I fear he means this very night To do a violence, I dread to think of.
Fri. Rain man ! impoflible, he cannot mean it. And yet I know not why, from time to time, He hath put off the hour of your retreat. Yet fear thou nought, myfelf will be your guardian Until to-morrow , when thou fhalt go hence, And be no longer fubjecl: to his power. By holy Paul, the king is much deceiv'd : He never fo would trifle with my charafter, As it mould feem, by this fame lord, he doth. But fee he comes. — I and our brother Lawrence, "Who waits without, will take care to be near thee.
[Exit Friar.
SCENE II. Apartment continued Enter Lord Scroop. Scroop. Well, my hard-hearted fair, what cruel ftill ? Thofe icy looks would freeze me to the foul,
Did
FALSTAFF's WEDDINGi €$
Bid I not flatter me the glowing fires,
That warm my breaft, will melt thee.foon to love ?
Why filerit, love ? and why this killing coldnefs ?
Haft thou no fympathy, my gentle Nell ?
Dead to th' embraces of a lover's arm,
You catch no Ipark of his cortfuming flame.
Ele. My lord, I beg you ceafe this perfecution. Have I not oft afTur'd thee, not the world Should bribe my foul to fuch avow'd pollution ?
Scroop. Away with all this artifice. I tell you* King Harry fets no value on your conftancy. Your prince, fair lady, 's wonderfully chang'd : Nor is he more the gentle thing he was, When he" would fkip about a harlot's chamber, -And act the page of ev'ry ambling nymph, That pleas'd to fend him on her goflip's errand. \
Ele. I never knew him, lord* fo very gentle* That very tame, unmanly thing you fpeak of: But this I dare be confident to hope, Howe'er his heart be chang'd refpecling me, He will do juflice to his lowlieft fubjedt ; JsTor am I yet fo deftitute of means, But my complaints may reach the royal ear.
Scroop. And doft thou brave me then, minx para- mount ? Know that I govern Harry as a child j Who thinks nor acts but as I tune his will. Renounce thy fcruples, therefore, at my pleafure 5 Or he fhall give thee up to want and beggary. Thou fhalt not have withal to buy thee bread, But earn it at the price of fhame and wantonnefs.
Ele. Indeed, my lord, indeed
Scroop*, Nay, thou doft weep. Come on — I will not chide thee— -thou'lt be kindi I come to take of thee a long farewell. The king already's on his way for France. I've but a few fhort moments to be bleft -, And then muft fpeed me after. — To your chamber Come, my fair Nell, or let me gently force thee.
Ele. Forbear, my lord, I pray, my lord, forbear" Nay then I call for help. — What, help ! ho ! help !
F SCENE
66 FALSTAFF's WEDDING,
SCENE III. Apartment continued. Enter Friars Paul and Lawrence.
Fri. P. Hold, hold, my lord, this rudenefs is too much." I am the guardian of this lady's perfon ; A charge deliver'd by the king himfelf ; And will not bear to fee her thus infulted.
Scroop. Thou bufy prieft, be ftraitway gone and leave us •, Or I will perfecute thee to thy ruin. Art thou th' old paramour of this fame harlot ? Or play'ft thou but the advocate of others, Whofe luftful blood boils fiercer than thine own ? If fo, be gone, and know thine office better. There is my purfe — go wait, I fay, without.
Fri. P. My lord, this mean abufe but ill becomes you* But know, I will not go. My character And innocence protect, me : nor mall you Stay, to repeat your infults on this fair one.
Scroop. Who mail prevent me ?
[Offers to draw, but is hinder* d by friar Lawrence, who, fiqnding behind, feizes his [word. Hell and vengeance ! where — Where are my fervants ?
Fri. P. I, my lord, difmifs'd them.
Scroop. Priefts, you mall hear of this : fhall loudly hear of it. Give me my fword,
Fri. L. Not while you*re thus impatient.
Fri. P. No ; keep it. I will anfwer't to the king.
Scroop. Thou anfwer't to the king ! thou paltry friar !
Fri. P. Yea, by my life and loyalty, I will : Therefore my lord 'twere better you retire.
Scroop. I will, and to thy ruin, baudy prieft. Thou, harlot, art provided for, I fee, With thefe two brawny friars. — Thou fhalt rue it.
[Exit Scroop, I
SCENE
F A L S t A F F's W E D D I N G, 67
SCENE IV. Apartment continued
Ele. Alas, good father, whatis't you have done? I tremble for th' event. This pow'rful lord Is all in all in royal Henry's favour.
Fri. P. Yet fear thou naught : tho' he were more than all, I have that in my hand (/hewing a letter) ill all make this
lord Yet lefs than nothing. He's an arrant traitor. Juft now a meflenger enquir'd without For the lord Scroop ; whofe fervants all difmifs'd, The unfufpicious fellow gave me this, Befeeching its delivery on th' inftant. But, as I thought it might relate to thee, Unfeert I broke it open ; when, good heav'n ! I found in't the fuggeftions of a traitor, Plotting againft our monarch's facred life,
Ele. Againft his life ! From whence ? O who hath, fent it ? Fly, fly, this inftant fly, and tell the danger. Fri. P. I'll fend immediate poll unto the king. Fri. L. But will not, brother, this rafh lord return, And wreak revenge on us, for what is par! ?
Fri. P. He hath not here a moment's time of leifure : I learn his majefty e'en now expeclts him Down at Southampton. Hence, without delay, He mull to horfe. Yet, to avoid mifhap, Go, brother Lawrence, and requeft a guard. Which done, procure a meflenger, with fpeed To bear my letters to his majefty. Daughter, in peace retire •, mean while I'll Write, And bring his lordihip's honeft deeds to light.
[Exeunt;
S C E N E V. At Southampton, An Apartment. Enter Cambridge and Falstaff.
Fal. You know not perhaps, my lord, that I am lately married -$ and if this plotting bufinefs mould turn out a
F a hanging
68 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
hanging matter, as in all likelihood it will, what will be- come of my wife r She will never get fuch another huf- band.
Cam. (AJide.) Curfe on this boggling villain. Would we ne'er Had trailed him : but now there is no remedy.
Fal. And yet, upon fecond thoughts, if I get into one noofe I mail flip my collar out of the other j and fo it may be in the end, no great matter.
Cam. What hefitation, now ? to noble minds How pleafant is the profpect of revenge ! Think Harry Monmouth treads thee under foot.
Fal. Hal hath indeed us'd me but fcurvily. But here's the point, my lord. I have moft readily, on yourperfua- fion, agreed to turn traitor, have enter'd into all your meafures, and am come hither to Southampton, where my part of the matter is to be brought to conclufion. You are to get me introduc'd to the king, and, in revenge for his mal-treatment of me, and to pave the way for Morti- mer to the throne, I am to introduce a dagger between the fhort ribs of majefty, and fend his grace to heav'n.
Cam. Well, and why this vain recapitulation? Have we not anfwer'd your objections yet ? Falftaff, I took thee for an honeft villain, That laugh'd at the impertinence of confcience. If thou haft fcruples, my lord cardinal Will banifh them, and give thee abfolution.
Fal. My lord, I am no puritan. I am no bigot to the church. 1 would not give a fig for a pocket-full of my lord cardinal's abiblutions : for I am, I confefs, fo much of a heretick, that I think, if a man cannot in his own confcience acquit himfelf, all the priefts in Chriltendom cannot do it. Now, my lord, I ihould blame myfelf highly if I ihould run the rifque of being damn'd for —
Cam. Flenry's a tyrant •, Mortimer is heir ; To free your country, and to right th' opprefs'd, Will evermore be deem'd heroick virtue.
Fal. 1 know, my lord, by the maxims of the church, a man will be fooner anathematiz'd for killing a hind, whom no body wants out of the way, than a king who ftands unluckily in the gap of fo many loyal princes. I do
not
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 69
not pretend to enter into the validity of Harry's title : but* I know it is but the church's calling him a tyrant, and abfolving his fu ejects of their allegiance, and all will go well. Give a dog an ill name, and hang him, my lord —
Cam. Ha ! Sirrah, villain, dofb thou mammer then ? 1*11 flab thee. By this light thou ihalt not live, to- —
Fal. Hold, hold, my lord, what, what, cannot you take a jeft.
Cam. A jeft, thou villain ! is our bufinefs jelling ? Look to't — fee you perform your promife roundly, Or woe upon your life — winch e'er fo little, The hand is ready that mall rip thee up ; And tear thy coward confcience from thy heart.
Fal. '^blood, my lord, I have no confcience. But, as I mould have told you, wouldft thou have heard me, that a man would not willingly run the rifque of being damn'd for nothing. You have, you know, made me large pro- mifes. You tell me I fhall be made a duke, and fhall have my fhare in the divifion of the promis'd land, when Mortimer is king. Not that I doubt of your lordfhip's honour, but confpirators are fo liable to accidents ; and, as I do not expect my reward in the next world, it is but prudent to fecure it in this. Doubt not of my being true to your caufe, but give me fome earneft of my future re- eompenfe.
Cam. What will content thee ? money thou haft had. What wouldft thou more that we can fafely give ? We'll put our lives no farther in your power, Tho' yours depends on our fecurity.
Fal, Well, well, my lord, I muft then be content to truft to the fuccefs of our enterprize, and leave it to your honour to proportion my reward to my fervices.
Cam. In that be fure thou lhalt be fatisfied. Mean time, go fteel thy heart and whet thy poniard : That when the crifis comes thou may'ft be ready, With hand and heart to prove thyfelf our friend.
[Exit Cambridge,
SCENE
?©• FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
SCENE VI. Apartment continued,
Falstaff, folns.
I fhall confider on it. — Stab me, quoth he ! he is by much too cholerick for a traitor. But he will fay he is pone, being engag'd in the behalf of the legal heir.— -That will be feen in the end ; for thofe are ever the traitors, who come to the block or the gallows. — If Harry did not de- ferve to be olamn'd for his ingratitude, it were as good a deed as to drink to turn true-man and iv peach thefe con- ipirators. And yet there may be danger in that too. I mufl bethink me. But, who comes here ? Oh, my lady wife ! who has follow'd me here down to Hampton, to be introduc'd to the king, before he fets out for France, Should Harry take the other journey now, I fhall be fairly rid of her importunities.
if
SCENE VII. Apartment continued. Enter Lady Falstaff.
L. F. Well, Sir John, and now you have brought me thus far ; when fhall I be introduced to his majefty ?
Fal. I brought thee ! my fair queen of Sheba ! it was thy love that brought thee hither •, thy love for the king, whofe pretty fweet face thou had'ft never feen, In troth I fhall be jealous of thee, lady fpoufe.
L. F. You fhould have faid curiofity, Sir John.
Fal. O, it is the fame, in effeft ; love or curiofity will carry a woman without tiring to the world's end.
L. F. Ay, my lem an, but it is. not the fame thing, for all that.
Fal. Well, I will not difpute with thee about words. Thou malt talk thy own way, if thou wilt aft mine.
L. F. Why, Sir John, I'm fare my talk cannot offend. | am no rattle.
Fal. A cherry-clack in a high wind : that's all.
L. F. Go, go, Sir John, you are curft to day. I will leave ye : but mind I infill on our feeing his majefty, be- fore he goes to France : and they tell me the troops are almoft all embark'd.
Fal,
FALSTAFF's WEDDING, 71
• Fal. Where goeft thou, my pigfneye ? L. F. To my maids, to be fure.
[Exit Lady Falstaff. Fal. Ay, where thou mayft call names like a parrot, and chatter like a magpie. I will to my brother traitors, and fee how mifchief goes forward in the brewing.
[Exit Sir John.
SCENE VIII. The King's Apartments, Enter King Henry and the Duke of Exeter.
King. Thefe letters, fent in hafte from father Paul, Are ftrange of tenour, and of dread import ; No lefs than of a treafonable defign, Hatching againft our perfon and our throne.
Ex. Good heav'ns preferve your majefty ! by whom ^
King. I fay not that •, for God forbid the truth Should not belye this honeft friar's fufpicions : For here he tells me that my feeming friend, The man I've worn the neareft to my heart, Is falfe as hell, and feeks my crown and life.
Exe. Means he the earl of Cambridge ?
King. Why, good uncle ? Is he the only one I have diftinguifh'd ?
Exe. No, my good liege, but that I've lately heard Of his molt frequent vifits to the legate •, Who bears, I'm fure, your highnefs no good will, Since laft you taught him who was England's mafter. Lord Cambridge has befides a ftrange deportment ; I cannot tell — -but 'tis a man I like not.
King. And yet you never hinted this before.
Exe . Never, my liege ; for heav'n forbid that ought; Of my loofe fancy and mere wild conjecture Should injure any man in your efteem : I lightly hold my fkill in phyiiognomy.
King. If fuchbeyour remarks, I not, good uncle. But give me too your thoughts of baron Scroop,
Exe. My liege, I hold him for an honeft man, Difcreet beyond his years, faithful and true, And one that has your highnefs' good at heart.
F 4 King,
yz FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
King. Nay there you're out ; or elfe the writer lies, He tells me here lord Scroop's the very devil ; And now is plotting with the earl of Cambridge To take away my life •, and (et the crown Upon the head of Mortimer.
Exe. Is't poffible ! How comes the friar by this information ?
King. It feems he hath a letter intercepted. Sent by the carl of Cambridge to lord Scroop, Written in myftick characters, the which His rev'rence had the cunning to decypher, And is himfelf in perfon on the way, To bring the letter, and explain its meaning.
Exe. The friar was ever held a godly man, A^earned and acute decypherer. But the lord Scroop— well, fo if it mould prove, I ne'e/ will judge aga.in by fair appearances. Will not your majelty arreft them ftrait, Upon fuipicion ? 'twere, my liege, but prudent ; W ho knows now ripe their dev'lifh plot may be ?
King. Uncle, forewarn* d forearm'd. In very fhort Th' informant will be here : let's wait 'till then. If it no more mould prove than vain fufpicion, I would riot carl upon them fuch reproach ; Nor foil their friendihip with the doubts of treafon.
Exe. Yet, the mean time, you will not fure give au- dience !
King. Why not, good uncle, yes, I've promis'd Cambridge To grant a private audience to old Falftaff. He hath, Pirn told, begun a reformation, He fhall not lack our countenance therein.
Exe. Audience to Sir John Falftaff! private too ! My liege, there may be danger in the conference.
Ki^g. Uncle, there may :"' and if I eat or drink, Walk, fit, or ftand, there may be danger too : There's not the fimpleft aclion of our lives But is attended with its (hare of danger. I am not rafh ; but yet I hold it bale, In fear of death, to 'live a flave to life. Ho, uncle, though perchance I die to night,
Let
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 73
JLet me go through the bufinefs of to clay : Death cannot reach us in a happier hour Than that in which it finds us in our duty. Fear not, my uncle, providence will fhield us 5 A guardian angel hovers round your king ; And will protect him from the ruffian's poniard. And for the reft — ^be it your care, good uncle, To keep an eye on thefe fufpected lords. With ipeed and filence let our guards be doubled ; And be my uncle York and brothers near us.
Exe . My liege, I will. But yet I fear this Falftaff. Hath your grace heard of other reformation Than what the earl of Cambridge hath fuggefted ?
King. I have, good uncle, ev'n from father Paul} Who faid the knight was nigh to be well married. Belike he needs our countenance herein. If that our fmiles will make our fubjects good, We'll not deny them to the meanelt valfal. Where are our brothers, and our uncle York ? [Exeunt.
SCENE IX. An Apartment. Enter Lord Scroop and Cambridge.
Scroop. Sir John hath now his leffbn. Speed him forth When Harry falls, to horfe, and fpur away, W ith a choice party of light troops, to Mortimer, Conduct him hither with the utmoft fpeed : His guards, furpriz'd, will Hand not in refiftance. Mean time, we'll feize the uncles and the brothers, As chief abettors of king Harry's murther. Nay, Falftaff fhall declare th- y let him on, Or, by yon heav'n, we'll hang him Haman's height. What troops are there embark'd ?
Cam. Ev'n all but thofe o'er which we have command; And of Sir Thomas Grey, our loyal friend.
Scroop. That's well contriv'd. I left the legate bufy, In railing monies, and fomenting treafon. In ten days time half London will be ripe To fpurn at facrilegious Hal, and join us. But here's Sir Thomas Grey.
SCENE
74 FAL STAFF'S WEDDING.
SCENE X. Same Apartment continued. Enter Sir Thqmas Grey.
Sir T. G. How now, my lords, why flay you loit*ring here ? Is it not time Sir John mould be at court ?
Scroop. It is yet time enough ; but th' hour moves flow, When expectation fits upon the watch.
Cam. Sir Thomas, your impatience binds you to us, As one whofe heart is bent on our fuccefs.
Sir Tho. It is : but fure the time is drawing near ; The king has bidden Falftaff s free admittance •> But I have orders from the duke of Exeter To double all the guards. What can that mean ? I hope there's no fuipicion got abroad, Should Falftaff now impeach us, we are loft.
Cam. Ay, that indeed would be a fatal ftroke 5 And, to fay truth, I almoft tremble for't.
Scroop. Cambridge, thou'rt everwav'ring as the wind 3 One moment raftily braving needlefs danger ; The next, fufpicion making thee a coward. Impeach us ! let him, we will face him down 1 Unlay whate'er he fays, fwear all is falfhood : Shall he gain credit 'gainft fuch men as we ? Fix'd, firm as rocks, we ftand in Hal's efleem, The firft and faireft for our loyalty ; And fhall not we bear all before us down, The lying evidence of Sir John Falftaff ? Comes it to that — fay nothing — leave 't to me. By heav'ns, I'll ftare the fat-paunch'd coward dumb ^ And, tho' he brought the gofpel proof againft us, Will make him own it ev'ry word a lye. The guards are doubled ! doubled let them be — They're under your command, Sir Thomas Grey, And we fhall have the more for our afiiftance.
Sir Tho. But, if there be fuipicion
Scroop. Think there none. They tell me, yefterday a drunken carl Attempted rudely to break into th' prefence.
My
FALSTAFF's WEDDING, 75
My life for't 'tis on that account •, no other.
But come, the hour's at hand-: let us away.
Mind well your cues, nor marr this buftling play :
One ihort aft more, and then the day's our own ;
And Mortimer ihall clap ys, from the throne, [Exeunt.'
SCENE XL The King's Apartments,
Enter King Henry and Falstaff.
King. 'Tiswell, Sir John, and now what is the fuifc For which you have fo earneftly requeited Admittance to our perfon ?
Fal. My liege, you'll pardon me if I mould fail in point of ceremony : it being fo long fmce I ftood on forms, that I have almofl forgot the punctualities of good manners.
King. Then to your bufinefs,
Fal. My bufinefs is, my liege, principally to make your majefty an unworthy prefent.
King. A prefent ! needed there fo much formality ; This interceffion for thyfelf in perfon, To be the bearer of a paltry prefent ? And to what end ? think not on any terms But thofe of thy repentance and amendment, King Henry's favour ever can be purchas'd.
F'al. Nay, my liege, this prefent is not properly my own, nor indeed made with a view to my particular emo- lument. I am employ'd herein by certain great perfonages of your majefty's court ; who, I imagine, were afraid, or afham'd, to prefent fo improper an offering in their own perfons.
King. Trirler! what is't ?
Fal. A — dagger, my liege.
King. Ha !
Fal. (Kneeling.) See, here it is. (prefents it to the King, and rifes.) Your majefty will doubtlefs pardon me, that I fail in fo material a part of my commiffion, as that of lodging it deep in your left breaft.
King. What traitor can have fent thee upon this, So horrible a bufmefs ?
Fal;
?6 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
Fal. The earl of Cambridge, Scroop, and Thomas* Grey, your majefty's moft loyal friends.
King. Good heav'n ! I fee 'tis true. Thou, father Paul, Haft conitrued right their trait'rous correfpondence. But I will found thefe hollow friends to th' bottom. Falilaff, if this be true, I live to thank thee ; But it behoves we mould have further proof: It thou art honeft, thou wilt ftand the teft, And face thefe peers, thou dar'll to brand with treafon.
Fal. Your grace will take me in your high protection, And I wiii prove it on them, to their beards.
King. Fear naught — I will return to thee on th' inftant.
[Exit King Henry,
SCENE II. Apartment continued.
Falstaff, folus.
Now, my fine lords of Cambridge and of Mamam, I think I'm even with you.^-I overheard them condemn me to the gallows. The monkeys would make a cat's paw of me, I fee. They would have me commit murder for their fake, and hang me for it when 1 have done. In troth thefe fprag peers, with their quick wits, are little better than aiTes after all. They confide in me, truly, becaufe they think I am a villain. Were it not a pity they mould not find me i^o ? They will no doubt deny this matter floutly : but I've their letters, if my words be doubted j beiides the circumstances I could— — -
SCENE XIII. Apartment continued.
Enter King Henry, with the Duke of York, the three young Princes and Attendants.
King. Call in my uncle Exeter. Where's Scroop and Cambridg
?
Lord. In th' antichamber, with Sir Thomas Grey. , King, Enough — what ho ! the guards — the guards,
I fay,
SCENE
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 77
SCENE XIV. Apartment continued.
(Enter at one Door the Duke of Exeter and Guards : at the other Lord Scroop, Cambridge, ^ir Thomas Grey, with their Swords drawn. They make up to the young Princes, as if to feize them : but itart back on feeing the King.)
Scroop. Seize-— Seize the traitors there — arreft them all.
King. Who are they, lords ? put up, here is but one.
Cam. All's loft. (Jfide.
Grey. All's ruin'd. (Afide.
Scroop. May heav'n preferve your majefty ; we fear'd Some dang'rous treafon at the cry of guards j And therefore rufh'd thus arm'd into your prefence.
King. My lords, I thank ye; and in right good time Ye come, to vindicate your noble characters Againft th' afperfion of this villain traitor ; Who, with a bloody and malicious purpofe, Came here to feek our life : but, failing there, In that I wrefted from him this fame poniard, He dares, with matchlefs and allured countenance, Charge you, my lords, and you, Sir Thomas Grey 5 My beft, my neareft, deareft, worthieft friends, With being vile abettors of his treafon. My lords, you fpeak not. — Yet I do not wonder ; Ye are ftruck dumb with horrour and amazement : For what confummate villainy is that Which can fuggeft men lb refemble devils, That they can wear an angel's outward form, And yet be black at heart as hell itfelf ? What mall be done, my lords, with this vile monfter ?
Scroop. Thou hoary villain ! thou ungrateful traitor ! Was it for this I fought unto his highnefs To have fome pity on thy bending age, And take thee back again to grace and favour ? Is this the fair return thou mak'ft my kindnefs ? By heav'n, wer't not in prefence of the king, I would this inftant pluck thee by the beard, And ftab thee to the heart. — My fov' reign liege, So dear I hold your highnefs' facred perion,
Thar,
^8 FALSTAFF's WEDDING.
That, for this execrably vile attempt,
I think this horrid wretch mould ftrait be fenteilc'dj
And executed without farther queition.
King. And yet, my lord, the bufy prating world. For ever envious of the good man's fame, Might whifper ftill what his vile breath hath utter'd. No, my good friends, ye fhall be fully clear'd. This wretch fhall fhew at lengch, before the world, That what he has avow'd is falie : for true It cannot be. What traitor canft thou offer, To prove your charge againft thefe noble lords ?
Fal. My liege, by good luck have I here two letters, Sent by thefe lords to me, upon this bufinefs : The writing theirs, their fignets too preferv'd.
(Gives the letters to the King.)
Scroop. What forgery too ! hath heay'n no thunder left To ftrike this precious villain ?
Fal. By heav'ns, a noble actor ! 'tis a pity he was not bred to th' ftage.
Scroop. Cambridge ! why man your quiv'ring lip be- trays you.
Cam. It is in vain : let us at once confefs.
Scroop. Confefs! damnation! hum ~ hum for your
1'C ire.
King. Look here, my lords, are thefe your fignatures ?
Scroop. Fiat forgery ! and yet, good heav'ns, how like !
King. What art there is in diabolick natures ! But if fuch things as thefe obtain i' th' world, Not angel innocence on earth is fafe*
Fal. My liege, it is no forgery; I can dare them to the proof.
Scroop. Dare us, thou traitor! thou muft find the proof. But tell us here, before our fovreign's face, If thou haft Ibid thy felf to hell for this, What devil furnifh'd thee with feal and characters So much refembling mine ?
Fal. If they're not yours, it was, indeed, the devil in likeneis of yourfelf.
King.
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. 79
King. This is too much : what in our prefence thus To vent this infoknce ! Take him away.
Fal. Good, my liege.
King. Guards take him hence. (Falfiaff exit guarded,} •And now, my worthy lordsa Altho' I clearly fee this traitor's purpofe, I hold it meet, that on this accufation, You and our friend Sir Thomas Gray fubmit To have your innocence clear'd up in form. This traitor doubtlefs hath accomplices ; We'll publifh inftantly reward and pardon For their difcovery.
Scroop. I hope your majefty Hath not a doubt, as touching our allegiance.
King. My lord, I know your worth to well, to doubt it : And alio yours, lord Cambridge, and Sir Gray : Yet, to appear impartial to the world, And Hop the mouth of ev'ry future cenfure ; Ye mull be well contented, for a while, To bear ye as arretted for high treafon. We will a while delay our embarkation, To bring this matter to immediate ifTue : So when th' accufer's falfehood be made known, Ye fhall come forth again, like gold refin'd, By fo much brighter as fevere your trial. By heav'n, I'd foonerlofemy own right hand Than any true and loyal heart that's here Should fuffer by the practices of treafon. Uncle, a guard. — Ye now, good firs, are prifoners.
CThe confpirators deliver up their Swords.)
Scroop. Confiding in your highnefs' facred word, We thus obey your pleafure •, nothing doubting But from your majefty we mall have juftice.
(Scroop, Cambridge and Grey are led off.)
SCENE XV. Apartment continued.
King. Doubt it not. Yes, ye fhall have ample juftice. Why that vile Mafham is deceit itfelf. I thought I fhould have fham'd him to confeflion ; But he is proof I fee 'gainftall remorfe,
Are
|& FALSTAFF's WEDDING,
Are thefe the afps I've cherifn'd in my breaft
A nd warm'd to life to thank me with their flings !
Go, uncle Exeter, and fee them fafe. [Exit Exeter.
My brother Gloucefter, thou, to Sir John Faiftaff;
And promife him our favour and protection.
Glos. Faiftaff, my liege, the (lave who fought your life?
King. That, my good brother, was indeed his errand % Hir'd to that end by Cambridge, Scroop, and Grey : But he, tho' nothing but an outcaft robber, One that I banifh'd for his vicious courfes^ Yet how much better than thefe bofom friends ! He, brother Glofter, play'd the villains falfe, And told me all their purpofe. Bring him hither.
[Exit GlOSTER*
[Enter a Page.]
Page. My liege, a reverend friar, poll hafle froni London, Defires admittance to your majefly.
King. 'Tis father Paul : conduct him in. "• fc . [Enter Friar Paul.] Good father Paul, thrice welcome to Southampton. We thank thee for th' advices thou haft fent us. Thy love and zeal fhall not go unrepaid.
Friar. My liege, if ought my poor abilities Can ferve your majefly, I'm bound in duty 5 And in thofe fervices am well repaid.
King. Friar, we thank thee. Thou haft brought that fcrowl, Of which thou gav'ft us notice in thy letters.
Friar. I have, my liege, and with your gracious leave* I would unfold the characters before you ; And fhow your majefly whereon I grounded My information 'gainft the cenfur'd peers.
King. Another time we'll liilen to 't at large : But providence in their own toils hath caught 'em, And there remains no doubt of their defection*
Friar. Be all flich traitors timely thus betray'd.
King. Give us thefcroll. We'll fee how this will work; My uncle York, go fetch the traitors in. [Exit York<
Hcav'ns
FALSTAFF's WEDDING. Si
Heav'ns what a worthy feeming wore thefe men ! How fmooth a face of innocence and loyalty ! All-gracious Providence, what thanks are due To thy preventing pow'r for our deliv'rance !
SCENE XVI. Apartment continued.
Enter York, with the confpirators guarded.
King. My lords, thope you're arm'd, in your defence, With proofs as ftrong as thofe of your accufers : For, whatfoever love I bear your perfons, I cannot wreft th' irripartial hand of juftice. The character of Falftaff was fufpicious ; But here's a man, Fill forry, Sirs, to find, joins alfo in fufpecling you of treafon.
Scroop. (Afide.) How, father Paul ! what dsmon fent him here ? • King. My lord of Cambridge, know'fl thou of tlfs
letter ? Look at it well, and mark the characters. Perhaps lord Scroop too can decypher them ? Scroop. Ha! Cam. Yes, I fee the hand of Heav'n is over us.
[Aside. I do, my liege, and thus upon my knees Confefs, and plead for mercy.
[Cambridge and Grey kneeh Sir T. Grey. And I. Scroop. Fire and furies ! What is that fcroll, my liege ? I know it not.
King. Lord Scroop, I fee thou'lt brave it to thelaft. I do believe thou know'il not much of this •, This friar, itfeems, made bold to intercept it.
Scroop. Curfe on, the meddling prieft, and thee, the fool, [To Cambridge,
That fent thy blunderers on fuch an errand. Nay, fince all's loft, I boaft the treafon too.
King. Thou more than favage, mod inhuman Scroop— • Scroop. Nay, chide not, king, I heed not thy re- proaches,
G I'aik
82 FALSTAFF'i WEDDING, -
I afk no mercy •, for I know thpul't have none. Thou'rt fortune's minion, and my head is thine. Take 't when thou wilt-r-my folly has undone me. This fon of York (ten thoufand curfes on him.)-
Cam. I do repent me : 'twas indeed my caufe, And would my life alone could pay the forfeit.
Scroop. Thy caufe! thou grov'ling peer! and dofl thou think I meant to raiie up Mortimer or thee ? No, ye were only tools to my ambition, That foar'd an higher pitch. Think not, king Henry, In hate of thee, I fought thy crown and life i Or that the love I bore the houfe of York, Taught me to mix with fuch vile heartlefs traitors. No : for myfelf alone I fought the crown,
Cam. On what pretenfions ? thou !
Scroop. Go afk thy wife, Whom thou mayft thank, when coming to the blocks If e'er thou find'fl thy way from thence to heav'n.
Cam. My wife! O villain!
King. Lead the traitors hence. And yield them to the juftice of our laws. Where's Sir John Falftaff ? (Confpirators are led iff.
Lord. Here, my liege, he comes, With th' duke of York.
[Enter Duke of York and Falstaff.]
King. Sir John, your former ills Your later act of loyalty hath cancell'd : And, as we hear you promife better things Than the loofe conduct of your former days, As a new man we take thee to our favour.
Fal. I thank your gracious majefty moft humbly.
King. Nor do welefs refpect the ties of gratitude: Afk what thou wilt, we will repay thy fervice.
Fal. My liege, the love I bear your gracious perfon, would excite me to follow you to thefe lame wars ; but, as I'm married and grown fomething round, I'jn little fit to cope with rawbon'd Frenchmen ', or fhijge again i* th' bloody fields of Mars. My former deeds in arms your highnefs knows : and I know too you hold them cheap
enough :
FALST AFP'?' WEDDING, 83
enough : I hope it will not therefore be thought cowardly jn me, if, while the other gallant youth of Brittain are reaping lawrels in the heart of France, I am content to kifs dame peace at home. Your m^jefty will pleafe to order me from your Exchequer a competency to fupport the infirmities of nature, and the dignity of knighthood. Otium cum dignitate^ my liege.— »■ Would your majefty fe* cure me this, I would make my peace with the world, an4 Jive or die as Heav'n fees beft, and my wife will let me.
King. Thou haft thy wifh •, and now, my noble lords, Let us prepare for France : firft folemn thanks In all our churches paid for our deliv'rarice. The hand of Heav'n, thus manjfeftly mown In this our prefervation, bids us hope Succefs will crown our enterprise,
Exe. And proves, my liege, the juftice of that cauJECj Which Heav'n, in thee, harh taken in protection,
King. Right well obferv'd, good Uncle Exeter. Who boafts a rightful caufe, come what comf may, Arm'd for th' adventure of the rougheft day, By juflice fanctified, his fword and fhield, May dare the perils of the bloodieft field, Boldly in providence may put his truft ; |ieav'n is our champion when qur caufe is juft.
[Exeunt Omnes,
FINIS.
s.
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