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Tie Comic Annual for 1846
Thomas Hood
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<yAx^-irvw^<^ iT^-
t^-n- «6.
THE
j; COMIC ANNUAL
!
^ FOR
i,
1846.
A REPUBLICATION OF
HOOD'S " WHIMSICALITIES.
WITH FOKTY-FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS,
I
r
I
i
i LONDON:
( HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER,
GREAT MARLBOliOUGH STREET.
1846.
PRICE 12.. BOUND.
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J. Cowla Co/lectloii
Mrsi Et D. Brancfesaa
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HKIKTBD BT WILLIAM WILCOCKSOK, B.OT.L* Ctr II DIKGK , rKTTI.R I ANB.
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CONTENTS.
PART I.
ANACREONTIC. FOB THE NEW YEAR .
THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD
A MORNING THOUGHT .
xo!
THE TOWER OF LAUNECK
TO MY DAUGHTER, ON HER BIRTHDAY .
A 8EA-T0TALLER
EPIGRAM. ON MRS. PARKEs's PAMPHLET
THK fohgb; a romance of the iron auk
HOWQUA ....
THE DEFAULTER. " AN OWRE TRUE TALE*'
K»NNET .....
AX EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION
THE EARTH-QUAKERS .
THE FLOWER ; . . .
THE GRIMSBY GHOST
EPIGRAM. ON THE ART-UNIONS
A BLACK JOB ....
L
3
72
73
75
93
94
106
107
1*^7
128
lo9
160
163
184
185
^4214.
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IV
CONTENTS.
PA « . K
MRS. GARDINEH ; A HOKTK.lLTl'RAL ROMANCK . ^V5
EPIGRAM. ON TBE DISASTERS AT CABUL . ^^63
THE REPEAL OP TUB UNION . . *2«4
EPIGRAM. ON A LATE CATTLE-SHOW IN SMITH FIELD . "^69
MORE HULLABBALOO . .270
A TALE OF TERROR . . . 279
ON A CERTAIN LOCALITY . . . .278
A SKETCH ON THE ROAD . . 28 t
"laying down the law" .... 285
HYDROPATHY, OR THE TOLD WATER CURE . 290
PART II.
yn. ciu'bb: a piscatoky hoaiance .
EPIGRAM. ON THE SUPERIORITY OF MACUINERV
A CUSTOM-HOUSE BRKKZE
A VERY 80-60 CHARACTER
NOTES ON SHAKSPEARB
PARTY SPIRIT ....
NEWS FROM CHINA ....
NEW HARMONY ....
ETCHING MORALIZED ....
A REFLFXTION ON NEW YEAR's EVE
the happiest man i.v england
spring: a new version .
tuf long! st hour in my life
PiHorKTri:s ....
1
28
29
.'U
31
33
:U
so
yo
91
105
107
1.35
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CONTENTS.
AN UNDERTAKER ....
A FIRST ATTEMPT IN RHYME
HORSE AND FOOT ....
EPIGRAM. ON THE CHINESE TREATY
THE SEASON .....
MR. WITHKRINg's CONSUMPTION AND ITS CURE
THE UNIVERSITY FEUD
niABOLlCAIj SUGOESnONS
A BARD CASE .....
ON THE PORTRAIT OF A LADY TAKEN BY THE
DAGUERREOTYPE ....
THE LEE SHORE ....
ENGLISH RETROGRESSION ....
THE CAMBER WELL BEAUTY
EPIGRAM. ON THE DEPRECIATED MONEY .
THE LITTLE BROWNS ....
THE Tl'RTLES .....
EPIGRAM .....
THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH<ENIX
THE OMNIBUi^ .....
MR. WAKLEY AND THE POETS
1.36
141
145
15:\
M4
155
174
188
214
•217
•218
2U)
'2'2'2
249
250
'I-f.j
•2(: 1
262
303
309
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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
TIME
MISS CRANE
THE GIRL WOMAN .
A PIECE OF FANCY WORK
THE PASTE>RY COOK
BAD FRENCH
NOVEMBER
THE SHORT PLEDGE
THE SEA-TOTALLER
TEA-TOTALLER8
MR. PRYME
VOCAL POLICE
A PRYME BABY
AN EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION
JAMES HOCKIN
THE REVEREND MR. CRVMPLER
A DEAD LETTER
THE GRIMSBY GHOST
MRS. GARDINER
A FASHIONABLE SPECULATION
A GARDEN ROLLER
IF AND BUTT
THE COLD WATER CURE .
MY EYES! THERE'S A MOUSE!
DEAR GUS .
HULLAH-BALOO
"DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU'RE OUTr"
A CAPITAL PUMP .
THE OLD GENTLEMAN
CAPITAL T .
AN UNDERTAKER .
A FULL HABIT
MRS. BUTTON
A DISCOVERY
"CHAIR, CHAIR!" .
THE GREAT NAPOLEON OF THE REALMS OF RHY
TEMPTATION AT HAND
DOCTORS DIFFER .
CAPITAL B
THE TETE A TETE
THE BOUDOIR
A BROWN STUDY .
THE PHCENIX
SORROW AND HEAVY WET.
THE LITERARY LION
DSHIOHCB.
T. H.
J. LKECfH.
T. H. ,
J. LEECrf^
T. H.
J. LEECH.
T. H,
_N_
J. LEECH.
T. H.
J. LR^H.
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ANACREONTIC.
FOR THE NEW YEAR,
Come, fill up the Bowl, for if ever tlic glass
Found a proper excuse or fit season,
For toasts to be honoured, or pledges to pass,
Sure, this hour brings an exquisite reason :
VOL. f, K
4 -
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"2 ANACREONTIC.
For hark I the last chime of the dial has ceased.
And Old Time, who his leisure to cozen.
Had finished the Months, like the flasks at a feast.
Is preparing to tap a fresh dozen I
Hip I Hip I and Hurrah !
Then fill, all ye Happy and Free, unto whom
The past Year has been pleasant and sunny ;
Its months each as sweet as if made of the bloom
Of the thyme whence the bee gathers honey —
Days usher'd by dew-drops, instead of the tears.
Maybe, wrung from some wretcheder cousin —
Then fill, and with gratitude join in the cheers
That triumphantly hail a fi-esh dozen !
Hip ! Hip ! and Hurrah !
And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fiiry ;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently
pass'd.
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury, —
Still, fill to the Future I and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen.
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen !
Hip ! Hip ! and Hurrah !
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
AN EXTRAVAGANZA.
CHAPTER 1.
She tawgbt *hem to sew and marke.
All manner of sylkyii werke.
Of her they were ful fayiie.
Romance of Emare.
A Schoolmistress ought not to travel —
No, sir I
No, madam— except on the map. There, in-
deed, she may skip from a blue continent to a
green one — cross a pink isthmus — ^traverse a Red,
Black, or Yellow Sea — ^land in a purple island,
or roam in an orange desert, without danger or
indecorum. There she may ascend dotted rivers,
sojourn at capital cities, scale alps, and wade
through bogs, without soiling her shoe, rumpling
her satin, or showing her ankle. But as to prac-
tical travelling, — ^real journeying and voyaging, —
oh, never, never, never 1
How, sirl Would you deny to a Preceptress
all the excursive pleasures of locomotion ?
b2
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4 THE SCUOOLBfldTRESS ABBOAD.
By no means, miss. In the summer hotidays,
when the days are long, and the evemngs are
light, there is no objection to a little trip by the
railway — say to Weybridge or Slough — ^provided
always
WeU, sir?
That she goes by a special train, and in a first-
class carriage.
Ridiculous !
Nay, madam— consider her pretensions. She
is little short of a Divinity ! — Diana, without the
hunting! — a modernized Minerva! — the Repre-
sentative of Womanhood in all its purity! — Eve,
in full dress, with a finished education ! — a Model
of Morality ! — ^a Pattern of Propriety ! — the Fugle-
woman of her Sex ! As such she must be perfect
No medium performance — no ordinary good-going,
like that of an eight-day clock or a Dutch dial —
will suffice for the character. She must be as
correct as a prize chronometer. She must be her
own Prospectus personified. Spotless in reputa-
tion, immaculate in her dress, regular in her habits,
refined in her manners, elegant in her carriage,
nice in her taste, faultless in her phraseology, and
in her mind like — ^like
Pray what, sir ?
Why, like your own chimney-ornament, madam
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 5
— a pure crystal fountain, sipped by little doves of
alabaster.
A sweet pret^ comparison I Well, go on, sir I
Now, look at travelling. At the best, it is
a rambling, scrambling, shift- making, strange-
bedding, irregularnnealing, foreign-habiting, hel-
ter-dcelter, higgledy-pi^ledy sort of process.
At the very least, a female must expect
to be rumpled and dusted; perhaps draggled,
drenched, torn, uid roughcasted — and if not
bodily capsized or thrown a summerset, she is
likely to have her stnutest-laced prejudices upset,
and some of her most orthodox opinions turned
topsyturvy. An accident of Uttle moment to
other women, but to a schoolmistress productive
of a professional lameness for life. Then she is
certain to be stared at, jabbered at, may be jeered
at, and poked, pushed, and hauled at, by curious
or officious foreigners — to be accosted by perfect
and imperfect strangers — in short, she is liable to
be revolted in her taste, shocked in her religious
principles, disturbed in her temper, disordered in
her dress, and deranged in her decorum. But
you shall hear the sentiments of a Schoolmistress
on the subject
Oh I a made-up letter.
No, miss, — a genuine epistle, upon my literary
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6 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
honour. Just look at the writing — the real copy-
book running-hand — not a t uncrossed — not an t
undotted — not an illegitmate flourish of a letter,
but each j and g and 1/ turning up its tail like
the pug dogs, after one regular established pattern.
And pray observe her capitals. No sprawling K
with a kicking leg — no troublesome W making a
long arm across its neighbour, and especially no
great vulgar D unnecessarily sticking out its
stomach. Her H, you see, seems to have stood
in the stocks, her I to have worn a backboard,
and even her S is hardly allowed to be crooked !
CHAPTER II.
" Phoo I phoo I it's all banter," exclaims the
Courteous Reader.
Banter be hanged I replies the Courteous
Writer. But possibly, my good sir, you have
never seen that incomparable schoolmistress. Miss
Crane, for a Miss she was, is, and would be, even
if Campbell's Last Man were to offer to her for
the preservation of the species. One sight of her
were, indeed, as good as a thousand, seeing that
nightly she retires into some kind of mould, like
a jelly shape, and turns out again in the morning
the same identical face and figure, the same cor-
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 7
recty ceremonious creature, and in the same cos-
tume to a crinkle. But no— you never can have
seen that She-Mentor, stiff as starch, formal as a
Dutch hedge, sensitive as a Daguerreotype, and so
tall, thin, and upright, that supposing the Tree of
Knowledge to have been a poplar, she was the very
Dryad to have fitted it! Otherwise, remember-
ing that unique image, all &ncy and firost work —
so incrusted with crisp and brittle particularities
— so bedecked allegorically with the primrose of
prudence, the daisy of decorum, the violet of
modesty, and the lily of purity, you would confess
at once that such a Schoolmistress was as unfit to
travel — unpacked — as a Dresden China figure !
Excuse me, sir, but is there actually such a real
personage?
Real I Are there real Natives — Real Blessings
to Mothers — Real Del Monte shares, and Real
Water at the Adelphi ? Only call her ♦♦• * *
instead of Crane, and she is a living, breathing,
flesh and blood, skin and bone individual I Why,
there are dozens, scores, hundreds of her Ex-
Pupils, now grown women, who will instantly
recognise their old Governess in the form with
which, mixing up Grace and Gracefulness, she
daily pre&ced their rice-milk, batter-puddings, or
raspberry-bolsters. As thus :
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8 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
" For what we are going to receive — elbows,
elbows ! — the Lord make us — backs in and
shoulders down — truly thankful — and no chatter-
ing— amen."
MISS CRANE.
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[
THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABJEiOAD. 9
CHAPTER III.
" But the letter, sir, the letter ^"
" Oh, I do so long," exclaims one who would
be a stout young woman if she did not wear a
pinafore, " oh, I do so long to hear how a gover-
ness writes home ! "
** The professional epistle,** adds a tall, thin
Instructress, genteelly in at the elbows, but shab-
b5
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10 THE 8CHOOLMI8TBES6 ABROAD.
bily out at the fingers' ends, for she has only
twenty pounds per annum, with five quarters in
arrear.
" The schoohnistress's letter,** cries a stumpy
Teacher — only a helper, but looking as important
as if she were an educational coachwoman, with a
team of her own, some five-and-twenty skittish
young animals, without blinkers, to keep straight
in the road of propriety.
** The letter, sir," chimes in a half-boarder,
looking, indeed, as if she had only half-dined for
the last half-year.
" Come, the letter you promised us firom that
paragon, Miss Crane."
That's true. Mother of the Muses, forgive me !
I had foi^tten my promise as utterly as if it
had never been made. If any one had furnished
the matter with a file and a rope-ladder it could
not have escaped more clearly from my remem-
brance. A loose tooth could not more completely
have gone out of my head. A greased eel could
not more thoroughly have slipped my memory.
But here is the letter, sealed with pale blue wax,
and a device of the Schoolmistress's own inven-
tion— ^namely, a note of interrogation (?) with
the appropriate motto of " an answer required."
And in token of its authenticity, pray observe
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 11
that the cover is duly stamped, except that of the
foreign postmark only the three last letters are
l^ible, and yet even from these one may swear
that the missive has come from Holland; yes, as
certainly as if it smelt of Dutch cheese, pickle-
herrings and Schie ♦ * ♦ ! But hark to Governess !
" My dear Miss Parfitt,
" Under the protection of a superintending
Providence we have arrived safely at this place,
which as you know is a seaport in the Dutch
dominions — chief city Amsterdam.
" For your amusement and improvement I did
hope to compose a journal of our continental
progress, with such references to Guthrie and
the School Atlas as might enable you to trace our
course on the Map of Europe. But unexpected
vicissitudes of mind and body have totally inca-
pacitated me for the pleasing task. Some social
evening hereafter I may entertain our little
juvenile circle with my locomotive miseries and
disagreeables ; but at present my nerves and feel-
ings are too discomposed for the correct flow of
an epistolary correspondence. Indeed, from the
Tower-stair to Rotterdam I have been in one
universal tremor and perpetual blush. Such
shocking scenes and positions, that make one ask
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12 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
twenty times a day, is this decorum? — can this be
morals? But I must not anticipate. Suffice it,
that as regards fcnreign traTclling it is my painful
conyiction, founded on personal experience, that
a woman of deUcacy or refinement cannot go out
of England without going out of herself !
" The very first step fi-om an open boat up a
windy shipside is an alarm to modesty, exposed
as one is to the officious but odious attentions of
the Tritons of the Thames. Nor is the steamboat
itself a sphere for the preservation of self-respect
If there is any feature on which a British female
prides herself it is a correct and lady-like car*
riage. In that particular I quite coincide with
Mrs. Chapone, Mrs. Hannah More, and other
writers on the subject But how — ^let me ask —
how is a dignified deportment to be maintained
when one has to skip and straddle over cables,
ropes, and other nautical hors d^ceuores—\jo scram-
ble up and down impracticable stairs, and to
clamber into inaccessible beds? Not to name
the sudden lo^ng one's centre of gravity, and
falling in all sorts of unstudied attitudes on a
sloppy and slippery deck. An accident that I
may say reduces the elegant and the awkward
female to the same leveL You will be concerned,
therefore, to learn that poor Miss Ruth had a fall.
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABBOAD. 13
and in an unbecoming posture particularly dis-
tressing— ^namely, by losing her footing on the
cabin flight, and coming down with a destructive
launch into the steward's pantry,
^' For my own part, it has never happened to
me within my remembrance to make a fiUse step,
or to miss a stair: there is a certain guarded
carriage that preserves one from such sprawling
dhumemens — ^but of course what the bard calls the
* poetry of motion,' is not to be preserved amidst
the extempore rollings of an ungovernable ship.
Indeed, within the last twenty-four hours, I have
had to perform feats of agility more fit for a
monkey than one of my own sex and species.
Par example : getting down firom a bed as high as
the copybook-board, and what really is awfiil, with
the sensation of groping about with your feet and
legs for a floor that seems to have no earthly
existence. I may add, the cabin* door left ajar,
and exposing you to the gaze of an obtrusive
cabin-boy, as he is called, but quite big enough
for a man. Oh, je ne jamais I
" As to the Mer Maladie, delicacy forbids the
details ; but as Miss Ruth says, it is the height of
human degradation ; and to add to the climax of
our letting down, we had to give way to the
most humiliating impulses in the presence of
several of the rising generation— dreadfully rude
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14 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
little girls who had too evidently enjoyed a bad
bringing up.
'* To tell the truth, your poor Governess was
shockingly indisposed. Not that I had indulged
my appetite at dinner, being too much disgusted
with a public meal in promiscuous society, and as
might be expected, elbows on table, eating with
knives, and even .picking teeth with forks ! And
then no grace, which assuredly ought to be said
both before and after, whether we are to retain
the blessings or not But a dinner at sea and a
school dinner, where we have even our regular
beef and batter days, are two very different
things. Then to allude to indiscriminate con-
versation, a great part of which is in a foreign
language, and accordingly places one in the cruel
position of hearing, without understanding a
word of, the most libertine and atheistical senti-
ments, indeed, I fear I have too often been
smiling complacently, not to say engagingly, when
I ought rather to have been flashing with virtuous
indignation, or even administering the utmost
severity of moral reproof. I did endeavour, in
one instance, to rebuke indelicacy; but unfortu-
nately from standing near the fimnel, was smutty
all the while I was talking, and as school expe-
rience confirms, it is impossible to command
respect with a black on one's nose.
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THE 8CHOOLBII8TRE8S ABROAD. 15
" Another of our Cardinal Virtues, personal
cleanliness, is totally impracticable on ship-board :
but without particularizing, I will only name a
general sense of grubbiness; and as to dress, a
rumpled and tumbled tout ensemble, strongly indi-
cative of the low and vulgar pastime of rolling
down Greenwich-hill I And then, in such a
costume to land in Holland, where the natives
get up linen with a perfection and purity, as Miss
Ruth says, quite worthy of the primeval ages !
Tluity surely is bad enough — ^but to have one's
trunks rummaged like a suspected menial — ^to see
all the little secrets of the toilette, and all the
mysteries of a female wardrobe exposed to the
searching gaze of a male official — Oh, shocking I
shocking I
" In short, my dear, it is my candid impression,
as regards foreign travelling, that except for a
masculine tallyhoying female, of the Di Vernon
genus, it is hardly adapted to our sex. Of this at
least I am certain, that none but a bom romp and
hoyden, or a girl accustomed to those new-fangled
puUey-hauley exercises, the Calisthenics, is fitted
for the boisterous evolutions of a sea-voyage.
And yet there are creatures calling themselves
Women, not to say Ladies, who vnll undertake
such long marine passages as to Bombay in Asia,
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16 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
or New York in the New World I Consult
Arrowsmitb for the geogn^hical degrees.
" Affection, however, demands the sacrifice of
my own personal feelings, as mj Reverend Parent
and my Sister are still inclined to prosecute a
Continental Tour. I forgot to tell you that
during the voyage, Miss Ruth endeavoured to
parlez Jran^ii with some of the foreign ladies, but
as they did not understand her, they must all
have been Germans.
" My paper warns to conclude. I rely on your
superintending vigilance for the preservation of
domestic order in my absence. The horticultural
department I need not recommend to your care,
knowing your innate partiality for the ofispring of
Flora — and the dusting of the fragile ornaments in
the drawing-room you will assuredly not trust to
any hands but your own. Blinds down of course —
the front-gate locked regularly at 6 p.m. — and I
must particularly beg of your musical penchant, a
total abstinence on Sundays from the pianoforte.
And now adieu. The Reverend T. C. desires his
compliments to you, and Miss Ruth adds her kind
regards with which believe me,
" My dear Miss Parfitt,
" Your affectionate Friend and Preceptress,
" Priscilla Crane.
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 17
'^ P. S. I have just overheard a lady describing,
with strange levity, an adventure that befell her at
Cologne. A foreign postman invading her sleep-
ing-apartment, and not only delivering a letter to
her on her pillow, but actually staying to receive
his money, and to give her the change ! And she
laughed and called him her Bed Pod! Fi done !
Fidonc!"
CHAPTER IV.
Well— there is the letter —
" And a very proper letter too," remarks a
retired Seminarian, Mrs. Grove House, a faded,
demure-looking old lady, with a set face so like
wax, that any strong emotion would have cracked
it to pieces. And never, except on a doll, was
there a face with such a miniature set of features,
ot so crowned with a chaplet of little string-
coloured curls.
'^A proper letter! — what, with all that ftiss
about delicacy and decorum I''
Yes, miss. At least proper for the character.
A Schoolmistress is a prude by profession. She
is bound on her reputation to detect improprieties,
even as he is the best lawyer who discovers the
most flaws. It is her cue where she cannot find
an indecorum, to imagine it;— just as a paid Spy
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16 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
is compelled, in a dearth of High Treason, to
invent a conspiracy. In fiwjt, it was our very
Miss Crane who poked out an objection, of which
no other woman would have dreamt, to those
little button-mushrooms called Pages. She would
not keep one, she said, for his weight in gold.
** But they are all the rage," said Lady A.
'* Everybody has one," said Mrs. B.
" They are so showy 1" said Mrs. C.
" And so interesting!" lisped Miss D.
** And so useful,'* suggested Miss E.
" I would rather part with half my servants,"
declared Lady A, " than with my handsome
Cherubino!"
" Not a doubt of it," replied Miss Crane, with
a gesture of the most profound acquiescence.
** But if / were a married woman, I would not
have such a boy about me for the world — ^no, not
for the whole terrestrial globe. A Page is unques-
tionably very ^ la mode, and very dashing,
and very pretty, and may be very useful —
but to have a youth about one, so beautifully
dressed, and so indulged, not to say pampered,
and yet not exactly treated as one of the family —
I should certainly expect that everybody would
take him "
** For what, pray, what?"
" Why, for a natural son in disgtdse.^
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. )9
CHAPTER V.
But to return to the Tour. —
It is a statistical fact, that since 1814 an unknown
number of persons, bearing an indefinite proportion
to the gross total of the population of the British
empire, have been more or less "abroad." Not
politically, or metaphysically, or figuratively, but
literally out of the kingdom, or as it is called in
foreign parts.
In fact, no sooner was the Continent opened to
us by the Peace, than there was a general rush
towards the mainland* An Alarmist, like old
Croaker, might have fitncied that some of our
disaffected Merthyr Tydvil miners or underminers
were scuttling the Island, so many of the natives
scuttled out of it The outlandish secretaries who
sign passports, had hardly leisure to take snuff
It was good, however, for trade. Carpet-bags
and portmanteaus rose one hundred per cent AU
sorts of Guide-books and Journey Works went off
like wildfire, and even Sir Humphrey Davy*s
" Consolations in Travel" was in strange request
Servants, who had *' no objection to go abroad"
were snapped up like fortunes — and as to hard-
riding " Curriers," there was nothing like leather.
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20 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
It resembled a geographical panic — and of all
the Country and Branch Banks in Christendom,
never was there such a run as on the Banks of the
Rhine. You would have thought that they were
going to break all to smash — of course making
awaj beforehand with their splendid fiimiture,
unrivalled pictures, and capital cellar of wines I
However, off flew our countrymen and country-
women, like migrating swallows, but at the vn'ong
time of year; or rather like shoals of salmon,
striving up, up, up against the stream, except
to spawn Tours and Reminiscences, hard and soft,
instead of roe. And would that they were going
up, up, up still — ^for when they came down again,
Ods, Jobs, and patient Grizels ! how they did bore
and Germanize us, like so many flutes.
It was impossible to go into society without
meeting units, tens, hundreds, thousands of Rhe-
nish Tourists — ^travellers in Ditchland, and in
Deutchland. People who had seen Nimagen and
Nim- Again — who had been at Cologne, and at
Eoeln, and at Colon — at Cob-Longs and Coblence
— at Swang Gwar and at Saint Go-er — at Bonn —
at Bone — and at Bong I
Then the airs they gave themselves over the
untravelled 1 How they bothered them with Bergs,
puzzled them with Bads, deafened them with Dorfs,
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 21
worried them with Heims, and pelted them with
Steins I How they looked down upon them^ as if
from Ehrenbreitstein, because they had not eaten
a German sausage in Germany, sour krout in its
own coimtry, and drunk seltzer-water at the foun-
tain-head ! What a donkey they deemed him who
had not been to Assmanshauser — ^what a cockney
who had not seen a Rat's Castle besides the one in
St Giles's ! He was, as it were, in the kitchen of
society, for to go " up the Rhine," was to go
up stairs!
Now this very humiliation was felt by Miss
Crane; and the more that in her establishment
for Young Ladies she was the Professor of Geo-
graphy, and the Use of the Globes. Moreover,
several of her pupils had made the trip with their
parents, during the vacations, and treated the
travelling part of the business so lightly, that in
a rash hour the Schoolmistress determined to go
abroad. Her junior sister. Miss Ruth, gladly
acceded to the scheme, and so did their only
remaining parent, a little, sickly, querulous man,
always in black, being some sort of dissenting
minister, as the " young ladies" knew to their
cost, for they had always to mark his new shirts,
in cross-stitch, with the Reverend T. C. and the
number — " the Reverend" at full length.
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22 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
Accordingly, as soon as the Midsummer holi-
days set in, there was packed — ^in I don't know
how many trunks, bags, and cap-boxes, — I don't
know what luggage, except that for each of the
party there was a silver spoon, a knife and fork,
and six towels.
" And pray, sir, how far did your Schoolmistress
mean to go?"
To Gotha, madam. Not because Bonaparte
slept there on his flight from Leipsic — ^nor yet
from any sentimental recollections of Goethe —
not to see the palace of Friedenstein and its
museum — nor to purchase an " Almanach de
Gotha — ^nor even because His Koyal Highness
Prince Albert, of Saxe Gotha, was the Husband
Elect of our Gracious Queen.
" Then what for, in the name of patience ?"
Why, because the Berlin wool was dyed there,
and so she could get what colour and shades she
pleased.
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ARROAD. 23
CHAPTER VI.
*' Now of all things," cries a Needlewoman —
one of those to whom Parry alludes in his comic
song of " Berlin Woor — " I should like to know
what pattern the Schoolmistress meant to work!"
And so would say any one — for no doubt it
would have been a pattern for the whole sex. All
I know is, that she once worked a hearth-rug, with
a yellow animal, couchant, on a green ground, that
was intended for a panther in a jungle : and to do
justice to the performance, it was really not so
very unlike a carroty-cat in a bed of spinach.
But the . &ce was a dead failure. It was not in
the gentlewomanly natinre, nor indeed consistent
with the professional principles of Miss Crane, to
let a wild, rude, ungovernable creature go out of
her hands; and accordingly the feline physiog-
nomy came from her fingers as round, and mild,
and innocent as that of a Baby. In vain she
added whiskers to give ferocity — ^'twas a Baby
still — and though she put a circle of fieiy red
around each staring ball, still, still it was a mild,
innocent Baby — but with very sore eyes.
And besides the hearthrug, she embroidered
a chair-cushion, for a seat devoted to her respect-
able parent — ^a pretty, ornithological design-
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*24 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
that when the Reverend T. C. wanted to sit, there
was ready for him a little bird's-nest, with a batch
of speckled eggs.
And moreover, besides the chair-bottom
but, in short, between ourselves, there was so
much FoTuy work done at Lebanon House, that
there was no time for any real
A PIKCB OP FANCY WORK.
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 25
CHAPTER VII.
There are two Newingtons, Butts, and Stoke :
— but the last has the advantage of a little village-
green, on the north side of which stands a large
brick-built, substantial mansion, in the comfortable
old Elizabethan livery, maroon-colour, picked out
with white. It was anciently the residence of a
noble family, whose crest, a deer's head, carved
in stone, formerly ornamented each pillar of the
front gate : but some later proprietor has removed
the aristocradcal emblems, and substit»it^d two
great white balls, that look like petrified Dutch
cheeses, or the ghosts of the Celestial and Terres-
trial Globes. The house, nevertheless, would still
seem venerable enough, but that over the old
panelled door, as if taking advantage of the &n-
light, there sit, night and day, two very modem
plaster of Paris little boys, reading and writing
with all their might Girls, however, would be
more appropriate; for, just under the first floor
windows, a large board intimates, in tarnished
gold letters, that the mansion is '^ Lebanon House,
Establishment for Young Ladies. By the Misses
Crane." Why it should be called Lebanon House
appears a mystery, seeing that the building stands
^not on a mountain, but in a flat; but the truth is.
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26 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
that the name was bestowed in allusion to a remark-
ably fine Cedar^ which traditionally stood in the
fore court, though long since cut down as a tree,
and cut up in lead pencils.
The front gate is carefully locked, the hour
being later than 5 p. m., and the blinds are all
down — but if any one could peep through the
short Venetians next the door, on the right hand,
into the Music Parlour, he would see Miss Parfitt
herself stealthily playing on the grand piano (for
it is Sunday) but with no more sound than belongs
to that tuneful whisper commonly called "the
ghost of a whistle." But let us pull the belL
" Sally, are the ladies at home?"
"Lawkl sir! — why haven't you heard? Miss
Crane and Miss Ruth are a pleasuring on a Tower
up the Rind — and the Reverend Mr. C. is enjoy-
ing hisself in Germany along with them."
« * * #
Alas I poor Sally 1 Alas ! for poor short-sighted
human nature !
"Why, in the name of all that's anonymous,
what is the matter?"
Liesl lies I liesl But it is impossible for
Truth, the pure Truth, to exist, save with Onmi-
presence and Omniscience. As for mere mortals,
they must daily vent falsehoods in spite of them-
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THE 8CHOOLBiI6TB£SS ABROAD. 27
selves^ Thus, at the veiy moment, while Sally was
telling us — ^but let Truth herself correct the Errata.
For — " The Reverend Mr. C. enjoying himself
in Germany — "
Read — " Writhing with spasms in a miserable
Prussian inn.^
For — "Miss Crane and Miss Ruth arpleasuring
on a Tour up the Rhine — "
Read — " Wishing themselves home again toith all
their hearts and souls.^
CHAPTER VIII.
It was a grievous case I
After all the troubles of the Reverend T. C.
by sea and land — his perplexities with the foreign
coins at Rotterdam — with the passports at Nime-
guen — ^with the Douane at Amheim — and with
the Speise-Karte at Cologne
To be taken ill, poor gentleman, with his old
spasms, in such a place as the road between Tod-
berg and Grabheim, six good miles at least from
each, and not a decent inn at either I And in
such weather too — unfit for anything with the
semblance of humanity to be abroad— a night in
which a Christian &rmer would hardly have left
out his scarecrow !
c2
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2d THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
The groans of the sufferer were pitiable — ^but
what could be done for his relief? on a blank
desolate common without a house in sight — no,
not a hut I His afflicted daughters could only
trj' to sooth him with words, vain words— assua^
sive perhaps of mental pains, but as to any dis-
course arresting a physical ache, — you might as
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. '29
well take a pin to pin a bull with. Besides, the
poor women wanted comforting themselves. Gra-
cious Heaven ! Think of two single females,
with a sick, perhaps an expiring parent — shut up
in a hired coach, on a stormy night, in a foreign
land — ay, in one of its dreariest places. The sym-
pathy of a third party, even a stranger, would
have been some support to them, but all they
could get by their most earnest f^peals to the
driver was a couple of unintelligible syllables.
If they had only possessed a cordial — a flask of
eau de vie ! Such a thing had indeed been pro-
posed and prepared, but alas! Miss Crane had
wilfully left it behind. To think of Propriety
producing such a travelling accompaniment as a
brandy-bottle was out of the question. You might
as well have looked for claret from a pitcher-plant !
In the meantime the sick man continued to
sigh and moan — his two girls could feel him
twisting about between them.
"Oh, my poor dear papa!" murmured Miss
Crane, for she did not "father" him even in that
extremity. Then she groped again despmringly
in her bag for the smelling-bottle, but only found
instead of it an article she had brought along
with her. Heaven knows why, into Germany — the
French mark !
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30 THE 8CHOOLMI6TRBSS ABROAD.
« Oh — ah — ugh ! — hah !" grumbled the sufferer.
"Am I— to— die — on — the road \^
"Is he to die on the road!" repeated Miss
Crane through the front window to the coach-
man, but with the same result as before ; namely,
two words in the unknown tongue.
" Ruth, what is yar vole ?"
Ruth shook her head in the dark.
" If he would only drive faster !" exclaimed Miss
Crane, and again she talked through the front
window. " My good man — " {GefuUig ?) " Ruth,
what's gefallish?" But Miss Ruth was as much
in the dark as ever. " Do, do, do, make haste to
somewhere—" {Ja wohll) That phlegmatic driver
would drive her crazy 1
Poor Miss Crane ! Poor Miss Ruth ! Poor
Reverend T. C. 1 My heart bleeds for them— and
yet they must remain perhaps for a frdl hour to
come in that miserable condition. But no — hark
— ^that guttural sound which like a charm arrests
every horse in Germany as soon as uttered —
"Burr-r-r-r-r!"
The coach stops ; and looking out on her own
side through the rain Miss Crane perceives a
low dingy door, over which by help of a lamp
she discovers a white board, with some great
black fowl painted on it, and a word underneath
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THE SCHOOLBII8TRE8S ABROAD. 31
that to her English eyes suggests a cUfficulty iu
procuring fresh ^gs. Whereas the Adler^ instead
of addling^ hatches brood after brood every year,
till the number is quite wonderful, of little red
and black eagles*
However, the Royal Bird receives the distressed
travellers under its wing; but my pen, though a
steel one, shrinks from the labour of scrambling
and hoisting them from the Lohn Kutch into the
Gast Haus. In plump, there they are — in the
best inn's best room, yet not a whit preferable to
the last chamber that lodged the ^^ great Villiers."
But hark, they whisper.
Gracious powers ! Ruth ! ) What a wretched
Gracious powers ! Priscilla I ) hole !
CHAPTER IX.
I take it for granted that no English traveller
would willingly lay up— unless particularly tnw-
disposed — ^at an Inn. Still less at a German one ;
and least of all at a Prussian public-house, in a
rather private Prussian village. To be far from
well, and fiur from well lodged — ^to be ill, and ill
attended — ^to be poorly, and poorly fed — ^to be in
a bad way, and a bad bed — But let us pull up,
with ideal reins, an imaginary nag, at such an
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82 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
outlandish Hostelrie, and take a peep at its
^^ Entertainment for Man and Horse.''
Bur-r-r-r-r-rrrr !
The nag stops as if charmed — and as cool and
comfortable as a cucumber — at least till it is
peppered — ^for your German is so tender of his
beast that he would hardly allow his greyhound to
turn a hair —
Now then^ for a shout; and remember that in
Kleinewinkel, it will serve just as well to cry
"BoxkeeperT as "Ostler!" but look, there is
some one coming from the inn-door.
'Tis Katchen herself— with her bare head, her
bright blue gown, her scarlet apron — and a huge
lye-loaf under her left arm. Her right hand
grasps a knife. How plump and pleasant she
looks ! and how kindly she smiles at every body,
including the horse I But see — she stops, and
shifts the position of the loa£ She presses it —
as if to sweeten its sourness — against her soft,
palpitating bosom, the very hemisphere that holds
her maiden heart And now she begins to cut —
or rather haggle — ^for the knife is blunt, and the
bread is hard; but she works with good will, and
still hugging the loaf closer and closer to her
comely sel( at last severs a liberal slice from the
mass. Nor is she content to merely give it to her
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THE SCHOOLMISTRB83 ABROAD. 33
client, but holds it out with her own hand to be
eaten, till the last morsel is taken from among her
ruddy fingers by the lips— of a sweet little
chubby urchin? — no — of our big, bony iron-gray
post-horse I
Now then. Courteous Reader, let us step into
the Stube, or Traveller's Room; and survey the
fiu^ and the accommodation prepared for us bipeds.
Look at that bare floor — and that dreary stove —
and those smoky dingy walls — and for a night's
lodging, yonder wooden trough — fisur less desirable
than a shake-down of clean straw.
Then for the victualling, pray taste that Pytha-
gorean soup — and that drowned beef — and the
rotten pickle-cabbage — and those terrible Hog-
Cartridges — and that lump of white soap, flavoured
with caraways, alias ewe-milk cheese —
And now just sip that Essigbeiger, sharp and
sour enough to provoke the "dura ilia Messorum"
into an Iliac Passion — and the terebinthine Krug
Bier ! Would you not rather dine at the cheapest
ordinary at one, with all its niceties and nastities,
plain cooked in a London cellar ? And for a
night's rest would you not sooner seek a bed in
the Bedford Nursery ? So much for the "Enter-
tainment for Man and Horse" — a clear proof, ay, as
clear as the Author's own proo^ with the date
under his own hand
c 5
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34 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
Of what, sir?
Why that Dean Swift's visit to Germany— if
ever he did visit Germany — must have been prior
to his inditing the Fourth Voyage of Captain
Lemuel Gulliver, — namely to the Land of the
Houyhnhnms and the Yahoos, where the horses
were better boarded and lodged than mankind.
CHAPTER X.
To return to the afflicted trio — the horrified
Miss Crane, the desolate Ruth, and the writhing
Reverend T. C. — in the small, sordid, smoky,
dark, dingy, dirty, musty, fiisty, dusty best room
at the Adler. The most miserable "party in a
parlour ^
" 'Twas their own feults !" exclaims a shadowy
Personage, with peculiarly hard features — and yet
not harder than they need to be, considering
against how many things, and how violently, she
sets her face. But when did Prejudice ever look
prepossessing? Never — since the French wore
shoes €t la Dryade I
" 'Twas their own feults," she cries, " for going
abroad.' Why couldn't they stay comfortably at
home, at Labumam House?"
" Lebanon, ma'am."
" Well, Lebanon. Or they might have gone
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 35
up the Wye, or up the Thames. I hate the
Rhine. What business had they in Prussia ?
And of course they went through Holland. I
hate flats I"
" Nevertheless, madam, I have visited each of
those countries, and have found much to admire
in both. For example ^
^ Oh, pray don't ! I hate to hear you say so.
I hate every body who doesn't hate every thing
foreign."
" Possibly, madam, you have never been
abroad?"
** Oh, yes ! I once went over to Calais — and
have hated myself ever since. I hate the Con-
tinent I"
" For what reason, madam ?"
" Pshaw ! I hate to give reasons. I hate the
Continent — ^because it's so large."
** Then you would, perhaps, like one of the
Hebrides?"
" No — ^I hate the Scotch. But what has that
to do with your Schoolmistress abroad? — I hate
governesses — and her Reverend sick father with
his ridiculous spasms — I hate Dissenters — They're
not High Church."
^^ Nay, my dear madam, you are getting a little
uncharitable."
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36 THE 8CHOOLMI8TRB88 ABROAD.
" Charity ! I hate its name. It's a mere shield
thrown over hateful people. How are we to love
those we like properly, if we don't hate the others ?
As the Corsair says,
' My very love to thee is hate to them.*
But I hate Byron.
^^ As a man, ma'am, or as an author ?"
" Both. But I hate all authors — except Dr.
Johnson."
** True— he liked * a good hater.'"
" Well, sir, and if he did I He was quite in
the right, and I hate that Lord Chesterfield for
quizzing him. But he was only a Lord among
wits. Oh, how I hate the aristocracy !"
" You do, madam !"
" Yes — they have such prejudices. And then
they're so fond of going abroad. Nothing but
going to Paris, Rome, Naples, Old Jerusalem, and
New York — I hate the Americans — don't you?"
" Why, really, madam, your superior discern-
ment and nice taste may discover national bad
qualities that escape less vigilant observers."
" Phoo, phoo — I hate flummery. You know as
well as I do what an American is called — ^and if
there's one name I hate more than another, it's
Jonathan. But to go back to Germany, and those
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 37
that go there. Talk of Pilgrims of the Rhine I —
I hate that Bulwer. Yes, they set out, indeed,
like Pilgrim's Progress, and see Lions and Beauti-
ful Houses, and want Interpreters, and spy at
Delectable Mountains — but there it ends ; for
what with queer caps and outlandish blowses — I
hate smock-jfrocks — they come back hardly like
Christians. There's my own husband, Mr. P. —
I quite hate to see him I"
"Indeed!"
** Yes — ^I hate to cast my eyes on him. He
hasn't had his hair cut these twelvemonths — I
hate long hair — and when he shaves he leaves two
little black tails on his upper lip, and another on
his chin, as if he was real ermine."
" A moustache, madam, is in fashion."
" Yes, and a beard, too, like a Rabbi — but I
hate Jews. And then Mr. P. has learnt to smoke
— I hate smoke — ^I hate tobacco — and I hate to
be called a Frow — and to be spun round and
round till I am as sick as a dog — for I hate waltz-
ing. Then don't he stink the whole house with
decayed cabbage for his sour crout — I hate Ger-
man cookery — and will have oiled melted butter
because they can't help it abroad? — ^and there's
nothing so hateful as oiled butter. What next ?
Why, he won't drink my home-made wine — at
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38 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
least if I don't call it Hock^ or Rude-somethings
and give it him in a green glass. I hate such
nonsense. As for conversing, whatever we begin
upon, if it's Harfordshire, he's sure to get at last to
the tiptop of Herring-Brightshine — I hate such
rambling. But that's not half so hateful as his
Monomanium."
" His what, madam ?"
" Why his hankering so after suicide (I do hate
Charlotte and Werter), that one can't indulge in
the least tiff but he threatens to blow out his
brains !"
"Seriously?"
" Seriously, sir. I hate joking. And then
there are his horrid noises ; for since he was in
Germany he fimcies that every body must be
musical — I hate such wholesale notions — and so
sings all day long, without a good note in his
voice. So much for Foreign Touring ! But pray
go on, sir, with the story of your Schoolmistress
Abroad. I hate suspense."
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 39
CHAPTER XI.
Now the exclamation of Miss Crane — " Gra-
cious heavens, Ruth, what a wretched hole!" —
was not a single horse-power too strong for the
occasion. Her first glance round the squalid room
at the Adler convinced her that whatever might
be the geographical distance on the map, she was
morally two hundred and thirty-seven thousand
miles firom Home. That is to say, it was about as
distant as the Earth from the Moon. And truly
had she been transferred, no matter how, to that
Planet, with its no-atmosphere, she could not have
been more out of her element In fact, she felt
for some moments as if she must sink on the floor
— -just as some delicate flower, transplanted into a
strange soil, gives way in every green fibre, and
droops to the mould in a vegetable fidnting-fit,
fix)m which only time and the watering-pot can
recover it.
Her younger sister. Miss Ruth, was somewhat
less disconcerted. She had by her position the
greater share in the active duties at Lebanon
House : and under ordinary circumstances, would
not have been utterly at a loss what to do for the
comfort or relief of her parent But in every
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40 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
direction in which her instinct and habits would
have prompted her to look, the materials she
sought were deficient There was no easy-chair
— no fire to wheel it to — no cushion to shake
up— «o cupboard to go to— no female fiiend to
consult — no Miss Parfitt — no Cook — no John to
send for the Doctor. No English — ^no French
—nothing but that dreadfiil " Gefallig" or ** Ja
Wohl" — and the equally incomprehensible " Gna-
dige Frau!"
As for the Reverend T* C, he sat twisting
about on his hard wooden chair, groaning, and
making ugly &ces, as much fi:om peevishness and
impatience as fix)m pain, and indeed sometimes
plainly levelled his grimaces at the simple Ger-
mans who stood round, staring at him, it must be
confessed, as unceremoniously as if he had been
only a great fish, gasping and wriggling on dry
land.
In the mean time, his bewildered daughters
held him one by the right hand, the other by the
left, and earnestly watched his changing counte-
nance, unconsciously imitating some of its most
violent contortions. It did no good, of course :
but what else was to be done ? In fiujt, they were
as much puzzled with their patient as a certain
worthy tradesman, when a poor shattered creature
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 41
on a shutter was carried into his Floor-cloth
Manu&ctory by mistake for the Hospital. The
only thing that occurred to either of the females
was to oppose every motion he made^ — for fear it
should he wrong, and accordingly whenever he
attempted to lean towards the right side, they
invariably bent him as much to the left.
" Der herr," said the German coachman, turning
towards Miss Priscilla, with his pipe hanging from
his teeth, and venting a puff of smoke that made
her recoil three steps backward — "Der herr ist
sehr krank."
The last word had occurred so frequently, on
the organ of the Schoolmistress, that it had acquired
in her mind some important significance.
" Ruth, what is krank ?"
" How should I know," retorted Ruth, with an
asperity apt to accompany intense excitement and
perplexity. " In English, it's a thing that helps to
pull the bell. But look at papa — do help to sup-
port him — you're good for nothing."
"I am indeed," murmured poor Miss Priscilla,
with a gentle shake of her head, and a low, slow,
sigh of acquiescence. Alas ! as she ran over the
catalogue of her accomplishments, the more she
remembered what she could do for her sick parent,
the more helpless and useless she appeared. For
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42 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
instance^ she could have embroidered him a night-
cap^
Or netted him a silk purse —
Or plaited him a goard-chain —
Or cut him out a watch-paper —
Or ornamented his braces with bead- work —
Or embroidered his waistcoat—
Or worked him a pair of slippers—
Or open-worked his pocket-handkerchief.
She could even — ^if such an operation would have
been conforting or salutary — ^have rough-casted
him with shell-work —
Or coated him with red or black seals —
Or encrusted him with blue alum —
Or stuck him all over with coloured wafers —
Or festooned him
But alas ! alas ! alas I what would it have availed
her poor dear papa in the spasmodics, if she had
even festooned him, firom top to toe, with little
rice-paper roses !
CHAPTER XII.
*^ Mercy on me ! **
[N.B. Not on Me, the Author, but on a little
dwarfish " smooth-legged Bantam" of a woman,
with a sharp nose, a shrewish mouth, and a pair of
very active black eyes — and withal as brisk and
bustling in her movements as any Partlet with ten
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 43
chicks of her own, and six adopted ones fiom
another hen.]
"Mercy on me! Why the poor gentleman
would die while them lumpish foreigners and his
two great helpless daughters were looking on I As
for that Miss Priscilla — she's like a bom idiot.
Fancy •work him, indeed! Tve no patience — as
if with all her Berlin wools and patterns, she could
fimcy-work him into a picture of health. Why
didn't she think of something comforting for his
inside, instead of embellishing his out — something
as would agree, in lieu of filagree, with his case ?
A little good hot brandy-and-water with a grate
of ginger, or some nice red- wine negus with nut-
meg and toast — and then get him to bed, and send
off for the doctor. Ill warrant, if I'd been there,
Td have imspasmed him in no time. I'd have
whipped off his shoes and stockings, and had his
poor feet in hot water afore he knew where he
was."
" There can be no doubt, ma'am, of the warmth
of your humanity."
" Warmth ! it's every thing. I'd have just
given him a touch of the warming-pan, and then
smothered him in blankets. Stick him all over
with litde roses ! stuff and nonsense — stick him
into hb grave at once I Miss Crane ? Miss Goose,
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44 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
rather. A poor helpless Sawney! I wonder
what women come into the world for if it isn't to
be good nusses. For my part, if he had been my
sick &ther, Fd have had him on his legs again in
a jifiy — and then he might have got crusty with
blue alum or whatever else he preferred."
" But madam—"
"Such perfect apathy! Needlework and em-
broidery, forsooth!"
** But madam—"
" To have a dying parent before her eyes — and
think of nothing but trimming his jacket !"
« But—"
" A pretty Schoolmistress, truly, to set such an
example to the rising generation! As if she
couldn't have warmed him a soft flanning ! or given
him a few Lavender Drops, or even got down a
little real Turkey or calcined Henry."
" Of course, madam — or a little Moxon. And
in regard to Conchology."
"Conk what?"
" Or as to Chronology. Could you have supplied
the Patient with a few prominent dates?"
"Dates! what those stony things — ^for a spas-
modic stomach!"
" Are you really at home in Arrowsmith ?"
" You mean Arrow-root."
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 45
** Are you an adept in Butler's Exercises ?"
" What, drawing o' corks ?"
^^ Could you critically examine him in his parts
of speech — ^the rudiments of his native tongue?"
" To be sure I could. And if it was white and
furry, there's fever."
"Are you acquainted, madam, with Lindley
Murray?"
** Why no— I can't say I am. My own medical
man is Mr. Prodgers."
" In short, could you prepare a mind for refined
intellectual intercourse in future life, with a strict
attention to religious duties?"
"Prepare his mind — ^religious duties? — Phoo,
phoo 1 he wam't come to that I"
" Excuse me, I mean to ask, ma'am, whether
you consider yourself competent to instruct Young
Ladies in all those usual branches of knowledge
and female accomplishments ^
"Me! What me keep a 'Cademyl Why,
I've hardly had any edecation myself, but was
accomplished in three quarters and a bit over.
Lor, bless you, sir I I should be as much at sea, as
a finishing-off Governess, as a bear in a boat !"
Exactly, madam. And just as helpless, useless,
and powerless as you would be in a school-room,
even so helpless, useless, and powerless was Miss
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46 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
Crane whenever she happened to be out of one. —
Yea, as utterly flabbergasted when out of her own
element, as a Jelly Fish on Brighton beach !
CHAPTER XIII.
Relief at last!
It was honest Hans the hired Coachman, with
a glass of something in his hand, which after a
nod towards the Invalid, to signify the destination
of the dose, he held out to Miss Priscilla, at the
same time uttering certain gutterals, as if asking
her approval of the prescription.
'' Ruth— what is Snaps?"
" Take it and smell it," replied Miss Ruth, still
with some asperity, as if annoyed at the imbecility
of her senior: but secretly worried by her own
deficiency in the tongues. The truth is, that the
native who taught French with the Parisian accent
at Lebanon House, the Italian Mistress in the
Prospectus, and Miss Ruth who professed EngUsh
Grammar and Poetry, were all one and the same
person : not to name a lady, not so distinctly put
forward, who was supposed to know a little of the
language which is spoken at Berlin. Hence her
annoyance.
" I think," said Miss Priscilla, holding the
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 47
wine-glass at a discreet distance from her nose,
and rather prudishly snifiSng the liciuor, " it
appears to me that it is some sort of foreign G."
So saying, she prepared to return the dram to
the kindly Kutscher, but her professional delicacy
instinctively shrinking from too intimate contact
with the hand of the strange man, she contrived
to let go of the glass a second or two before he got
hold of it, and the Schnaps fell, with a crash, to
the ground.
The introduction of the cordial had, however,
served to direct the mind of Miss Ruth to the
propriety of procuring some refreshment for the
sufierer. He certainly ought to have something,
she said, for he was getting quite &int What the
something ought to be was a question of more
diflBculty — but the scholastic memory of Miss
Priscilla at last supplied a suggestion.
** What do you think, Ruth, of a little hore-
hound tea?"
"Well, ask for it," replied Miss Ruth, not
indeed from any faith in the efiScacy of the article,
but because it was as likely to be obtained for the
asking for — in English — as any thing else. And
truly, when Miss Crane made the experiment, the
Germans, one and all, man and woman, shook
their heads at the remedy, but seemed unani-
mously to recommend a certain something else.
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48 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
" Ruth — ^what is forstend nix ? "
But Ruth was silent
"They all appear to think very highly of it,
however," continued Miss Priscilla, " and I should
like to know where to find it."
" It will be in the kitchen, if any where," said
Miss Ruth, while the invalid — ^whether fix)m a
firesh access of pain, or only at the tantalizing
nature of the discussion — gave a low groan.
" My poor dear papa I He will sink — ^he will
perish firom exhaustion!" exclaimed the terrified
Miss Priscilla; and with a desperate resolution,
quite foreign to her nature, she volunteered on
the forlorn hope, and snatching up a candle, made
her way without thinking of the impropriety
into the strange kitchen. The House-wife and
her maid slowly followed the Schoolmistress, and
whether firom national phl^m or intense curiosity,
or both together, offered neither help nor hin-
derance to the foreign lady, but stood by, and
looked on at her operations.
And here be it noted, in order to properly
estimate the difficulties which lay in her path, that
the Governess had no distinct recollection of
having ever been in a kitchen in the course of her
life. It was a Terra Incognita — ^a place of which
she literally knew less than of Japan. Indeed,
the laws, customs, ceremonies, mysteries, and
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TUE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 49
Utensils of the kitchen were more strange to
her than those of the Chinese. For aught she
knew the Cook herself was the dresser; and a
rolling-pin might have a head at one end and a
sharp point at the other. The Jack, according to
Natural History, was a fish. The flour-tub, as
Botany suggested, might contain an Orange-tree,
and the range might be that of the Barometer.
As to the culinary works, in which almost every
female dabbles, she had never dipped into one of
them, and knew no more how to boil an egg than
if she had been the Hen that laid it, or the Cock
that cackled over it Still a natural turn for the
art, backed by a good bright fire, might have sur-
mounted her rawness.
But Miss Crane was none of those natural
geniuses in the art who can extemporize Flint
Broth — and toss up something out of nothing at
the shortest notice. It is doubtful if, with the
whole Midsummer holidays before her, she could
successfiilly have undertaken a pancake — or have
got up even a hasty-pudding without a quarter's
notice. For once, however, she was impelled by
the painful exigency of the hour to test her ability,
and finding certain ingredients to her hand, and
subjecting them to the best or simplest process
that occurred to her, in due time she returned,
VOL. I. D
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50 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
cup in hand, to the sick room, and proffered to her
poor dear papa the result of her first maiden
effort in cookery.
"What is it?" asked Ruth, naturaUj curious,
as well B8 anxious as to the nature of so novel an
experiment
"Pahl puhl poof— phew! chutl" spluttered
the Reverend T. C, unceremoniously getting rid
of the first spoonfiil of the mixture. It's paste —
common paste I"
;i*Ub PASTK-RY COOK
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THE 8CHOOLMI8TBES8 ABROAD. 51
CHAPTER XIV.
Poor Miss Crane !
The failure of her first little culinary experi-
ment reduced her again to despair. If there be
not already a Statue of Disappointment, she would
have served for its model. It would have melted
an Iron Master to have seen her with her eyes
fixed intently on the unfortunate cup of paste, as
if asking herself, mentally, was it possible that
what she had prepared with such pains for the
refi'eshment of a sick parent, was only fit for
what? — ^Why, for the false tin stomach of a
healthy biU sticker!
Dearly as she rated her professional accomplish-
ments and acquirements, I verily believe that at
that cruel moment she would have given up all
her consummate skill in Faticy Work, to have
known how to make a basin of gruel I Proud as
she was of her embroidery, she would have
exbhai^d her cunning in it for that of the
plainest cook, — for oh! of what avail her Tfent
Stitch, Chain Stitch, German Stitch, or Satin
Stitch, to relieve or soothe a sufiering father,
afflicted with back stitch, firont stitch, side stitch,
and cross stitch into the bargain ?
Nay, of what use was her solider knowledge ? —
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52 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
for example, in History, Geography, Botany, Con-
chology, Geology, and Astronomy? Of what
effect was it that she knew the scientific names
for coal and slate, — or what comfort that she
could tell him how many stars there are in
Cassiopeia's Chair whilst he was twisting with
agony on a hard wooden one ?
" It's no use talking I " exclaimed Miss Ruth,
after a hng sikncey " we must have medical
advice ! "
But how to obtain it? To call in even an
apothecary, one must call in his own language,
and the two sisters between them did not possess
German enough. High or Low, to call for a
Doctor's boy. The hint, however, was not lost
on the Reverend T. C, who, with a perversity
not unusual, seemed to think that he could dimi-
nish his own sufferings by inflicting pain on those
about him. Accordingly, he no sooner overheard
the wish for a Doctor, than with renewed moan-
ings and contortions he muttered the name of
a drug that he felt sure would reUeve him. But
the physic was as difficult to procure as the phy-
sician. In vain Miss Ruth turned in succession
to the Host, the Hostess, the Maid, the Waiter,
and Hans the Coachman, and to each, separately,
repeated the word " Ru-bub." The Host, the
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 53
Hostess, the Maid, the Waiter, and Hans the
Coachman, only shook their heads in concert, and
uttered in chorus the old ** forstend nicht''
" Oh, I do wish," exclaimed Miss Crane, with
a tone and a gesture of the keenest self-reproach,
^*how I do wish that I had brought Buchan's
Domestic Medicine abroad with me, instead of
Thomson's Seasons!''
" And of what use would that have been with-
out the medicine-chest?" asked Miss Ruth; " for
I don't pretend to write prescriptions in German."
*^ That's very true," said Miss Crane, with a
long deep sigh — whilst the sick man, from pain
or wilfulness. Heaven alone knew which — gave a
groan, so terrific that it startled even the phleg-
matic Germans.
"My papal — ^my poor dear papal" shrieked
the agitated governess ; and with some confused
notions of a &inting-fit — ^for he had closed his
eyes, — and still conscious of a cup in her hand,
though not of its contents, she chucked the paste —
that twice unfortunate paste I — ^into the face of her
beloved parent !
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54 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
CHAPTER XV.
" And serve him right too I ^ cries the little
smart bantamlike woman already introduced to the
Comteous Reader. ** An old good-for-nothing I
to sham worse than he was, and play on the tender
feelings of two affectionate daughters I I'd have
pasted him myself if he had been fifty fitthers I
Not that I think a bit the better of that Miss
Crane, who after all, did not do it on purpose.
She's as great a gawky as ever. To think with all
her schooling she couldn't get a doctor fetched for
the old gentleman I "
^^ But, my dear madam, she was ignorant of the
language."
" Ignorant of fiddlesticks ! How do the deaf
and dumb people do ? If she couldn't talk to the
Germans she might have made signs."
Impossible! Pray remember that Miss Crane
was a schoolmistress, and of the a$icien r^me, in
whose code all face-making, posturing, and gesti-
culations, were high crimes and misdemeanors.
Many a little Miss Gubbins or Miss Wiggins she
had punished with an extra task, if not with the
rod itself, for nodding, vrinking, or talking with
their fiugers ; and is it likely that she would per-
sonally have had recourse to signs and signals for
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THE 8CHOOLMI9TRB<;S ABROAD. 55
which she had punished her pupils with such
severity? Do you think that with her rigid
notions of propriety, and her figure, she would
ever have stooped to what she would have called
buffoonery ?
" Why to be sure, if you haven't high-coloured
her picture she is starched and frumpish enough,
and only fit for a place among the wax-work ! "
And besides, supposing physiognomical expres-
sion as well as gesticulation to be included in
sign-making, this Silent Art requires study and
practice, and a peculiar talent I Pray did you
ever see Grimaldi ?
** What, Joey ? Did I ever see Lonnon ! Did
I ever go to the Wells I"
O rare Joe Grimaldi 1 Great as was my ad-
miration of the genius of that inimitable clown,
never, never did it rise to its true pitch till I had
been cast all abroad in a foreign country without
any knowledge of its language ! To the richness
of his fim — to his wonderful agiUty — to his unique
singing and his grotesque dancing, I perhaps had
done ample justice — ^but never, till I had broken
down in fifty pantomimical attempts of my own —
nay, in twice fifty experiments in dumb show —
did I properly appreciate his extraordinary power
of making himself understood without being on
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56 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
speaking terms with his company. His perform-
ance was never, like mine, an Acted Riddle. A
living Telegraph, he never fitiled in conveying his
intelligence, but signalled it with such distinct-
ness, that his meaning was visible to the dullest
capacity.
** And your own attempts in the line, sir?"
Utter failures. Often and often have I gone
through as many physical manoeuvres as the Eng-
lishman in ^^ Rabelais," who argued by signs ; but
constantly without explaining my meaning, and
consequently without obtaining my object From
all which, my dear madam, I have derived this
moral, that he who visits a foreign country, with-
out knowing the language, ought to be prepared
beforehand either to act like a Clown, or to look
like a Fool.
CHAPTER XVI.
It was a good-natured act of honest Hans the
coachman — ^and especially after the treatment of
his Schnapps — ^but seeing the Englishers at a dead
lock, and partly guessing at the cause of their
distress — he quietly went to the stable, saddled
one of his own horses, and rode off in quest of a
medical man. Luckily he soon met with the
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THB SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 57
personage he wanted, whom with great satisfac-
tion he ushered into the little, dim, dirty parlour
at the Black Eagle, and introduced, as well as he
could, to the Foreigners in Distress.
Now the Physician who regularly visited at
Lebanon House, was, of course, one of the Old
School ; and in correctness of costume and pro-
fessional formality was scarcely inferior to the
immaculate lady who presided over that establish-
ment There was no mistaking him, like some
modem practitioners, for a merchant or a man
about town. He was as carefully made up as a
prescription — and between the customary sables,
and a Chesterfieldian courtesy, appeared as a
Doctor of the old school always used to do — like
a piece of sticking-plaster — black, polished, and
healing.
Judge then, of the horror and amazement of
the Schoolmistress, when she saw before her a
great clumsy-built M.D. enveloped in a huge gray
cloak, with a cape that fell below his elbows, and
his head covered with what she had always under-
stood was a jockey-cap I
" Gracious Heaven I — ^why, he's a horse-doctor I"
" Doctor? — ja wohl,** said Hans, with a score of
affirmative little nods ; and then he added the
professional grade of the party, which happened
D 5
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58 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
to be one of a most uncouth sound to an English
ear.
** Ruth, what's a medicine rat I^
" Lord knows,** imswered Miss Ruth, " the
language is as barbarous as the people I"
In the mean time the Medicin Rath threw off
his huge cloak and displayed a costume equally at
variance with Miss Crane's notions of the proper
uniform of his order. No black coat, no black
smalls, no black silk stockings — ^why, any under-
taker in London would have looked more like a
doctor I His coat was a bright brown fix)ck, his
waistcoat as gay and variegated as her own &vo-
rite parterre of larkspurs, and his trowsers of plum
colour 1 Of her own accord she would not have
called him in to a juvenile chidcen-pock or a
nettlerash — ^and there he was to treat ftdl grown
spasms in an adult I
" Je suis medecin, monsieur, a votre service,"
said the stranger, in French more guttural than
nasal, and with a bow to the sick gentleman.
" Mais, docteur," hastily interposed Miss Ruth,
*^ vous fetes un docteur a chevaL**
This translation of " horse-doctor ** being per-
fectly unintelligible to the German, he again ad-
dressed himself to his patient, and proceeded to
feel his pulse.
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 59
** Papa is subject to spasms in his chest,''
explained Miss Crane.
"Pshaw — nonsense!" whined the Reverend
T. C, " they're in my stomach.''
" They're in his stomach," repeated Miss Crane,
delicately laying her own hand, by way of expla^
nation, on her sternum.
" Monsieur a mang^ du diner ?"
" Only a little bee^" said Miss Crane, who
" understood" French but " did not speak it."
" Seulement un petit bceuf," translated Miss
Ruth, who spoke French but did not under-
stand it.
" Oui — c'est une indigestion, sans doute," said
the Doctor.
CHAPTER XVII.
Harkl-
" It's shameful I abominable ! atrocious ! It's
a skit on all the schoolmistresses — a wicked libel
on the whole profession ! "
" But my dear Mrs. "
" Don't * dear ' me, sir I I consider myself
personally insulted, " Manger un petty boof ! As
if a governess couldn't speak better French than
that I Why, it means eating a little bullock !"
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60 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABBOAD.
" Precisely. Boeufi singular, masculine, a bul-
lock or ox."
"Ridiculous ! And from one of the heads of
a seminary ! Why, sir, not to speak of myself or
the teachers, I have a pupil at Prospect House,
and only twelve years of age, who speaks French
like a native."
" Of where, madam ?"
** Of where, sir?— why of all France to be sure,
and Paris in particular !"
" And with the true accent?"
" Yes, sir, with all the accents — sharp, grave,
and circumbendibus — ^I should have said circum-
flex, but you have put me in a fluster. French !
why it's the comer-stone of female education.
It's universal, sir, from her ladyship down to her
cook. We could neither dress ourselves nor our
dinners without it I And that the Miss Cranes
know French I am morally certain, for I have
seen it in their Prospectus."
" No doubt of it, madam. But you are of
course aware that there are two sorts — French
French and English French — ^and which are as
different in quality as the foreign cogniac and the
British Brandy."
" I know nothing about ardent spirits, sir.
And as to the French language, I am acquainted
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 61
with only one sort, and that is what is taught at
Prospect House — at three guineas a quarter.**
*^ And do all your young ladies, ma'am, turn
out such proficients in the language as the little
prodigy you have just mentioned ?"
"Proficient, sir? — they can't help it in my
establishment Let me see — there's Chambaud
on Mondays — Wanostrocht on Wednesdays —
Telemaque on Fridays, and the French mark
every day in the week."
" Madam, I have no doubt of the excellence of
your system. Nevertheless it is quite true that
the younger Miss Crane made use of the very
phrase which I have quoted. And what is more,
when the doctor called on his patient the next
morning, he was treated with quite as bad lan-
guage. For example, when he inquired after her
" n est tr^s mauvais," replied Miss Ruth with a
desponding shake of her head. " U a aval6 son
med^cin,— et il n'est pas mieux."
CHAPTER XVIII.
To return to the sick chamber.
Imagine the Rev. T. C. still sitting and moan-
ing in his uneasy chair, the disconsolate Miss
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62 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
Crane helplessly watching the parental grimaces,
and the perplexed Miss Ruth standmg in a brown
study, with her eyes intently fixed on a sort of
overgrown child's crib, which occupied one dark
comer of the dingy apartment
" It's very well," she muttered to herself, "for
a foreign doctor to say " laissez le eauchery but
where is he to coucher ?" Not surely in that little
crib of a thing, which will only add the cramp in
his poor legs to the spasms in his poor stomach I
The Mother of Invention was however at her
elbow, to suggest an expedient, and in a trice the
bedding was dragged firom the bedstead and
' spread upon the floor. During this manoeuvre
Miss Crane of course only looked on: she had
never in her life made a bed, even in the regular
way, and the touzling of a shakedown on the bare
boards was far too Maigery Dawish an operation
for her precise nature to be concerned in. More-
over, her thoughts were fiiUy occupied by a
question infisdlibly associated with a strange bed,
namely, whether it had been aired. A specula-
tion which had already occurred to her sister, but
whose more practical mind was busy in contriving
how to get at the warming-pan. But in vain she
tisked for it by name of every German, male or
female, in the room, and as vainly she sought for
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THE SCHOOLBfISTH£86 ABROAD. 63
the utensil in the inn kitchen, and quite as vainly
might she have hunted for it throughout the
village, seeing that no such article had ever been
met with by the oldest inhabitant As a last
resource she caught up a walking-stick, and
thrusting one end under the blanket, endeavoured
pantomimically to imitate a chambermaid in the act
of warming a bed. But alasl she ^'took nothing
by her motion" — the Germans only turned
towards each other, and shrugging their shoulders
and grinning, remarked in their own tongue,
" What droll people they were those Englishers 1"
The sensitive imagination of Miss Crane had in
the interim conjured up new and more deUcate
difficulties and necessities, amongst which the
services of a chamberlain were not the least
urgent **Who was to put her papa to bed?
Who was to undress him?" But from this per-
plexity she was unexpectedly delivered by that
humble friend in need, honest Hans, who no
sooner saw the bed free from the walking-stick,
than without any bidding, and in spite of the
resistance of the patient, he &irly stripped him to
his shirt, and then taking him up in his arms, like
a baby, deposited him, willy nilly, in the nest that
had been prepared for him.
The females, during the first of these opera-
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64 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
tions, retired to the kitchen — ^but not without a
certain order in their going. Miss Crane went
off simultaneously with the coat — her sister with
the waistcoat, and the hostess and the maid with
the smallclothes and the shoes and stockings.
And when, after a due and decent interval, the
two governesses returned to the sick chamber, —
for both had resolved on sitting up with the
invalid — ^lo ! there lay the Reverend T. C, regu-
larly littered down by the coachman with a truss
of clean straw .to eke out the bedding, — ^no longer
writhing or moaning — ^but between surprise and
anger as still and silent as if his groans had been
astonished away like the " hiccups !"
You may take a horse to the water, however,
but you cannot make him drink, — and even thus,
the sick man, though bedded perforce, refused
obstinately to go to sleep.
" Et monsieur a bien dormi?" inquired the
German doctor the next morning.
" Pas un — ^ begun Miss Crane, but she ran
aground for the next word, and was obliged to
appeal to the linguist of Lebanon House.
" Ruth— what's a wink ?**
" I don't know," replied Miss Ruth, who was ab-
sorbed in some active process. "Do it with your eye."
The idea of winking at a strange gentleman
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TUB SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 65
was however so obnoxious to all the school-
mistress's notions of propriety that she at once
resigned the explanation to her sister, who accord-
ingly informed the physician that her " pauvre pere
n'avoit pas dormi un mor9eau toute la nuit longue,"
BAD FRENCH.
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66 THE 8CHOOLMI8TBES8 ABROAD.
CHAPTER XIX.
** Stop, sir ! Pray change the subject By
your leave we have had quite enough of bad
French."
As you please, madam — and as the greatest
change I can devise, you shall now have a little bad
English. Please, then, to lend your attention to
Monsieur De Bourg — ^the subject of his discourse
ought indeed to be of some interest to you,
namely, the education of your own sex in your
own country.
" Well, sir, and what does he say of it ?"
Lbten, and you shall hear. Proceed, Mon-
sieur.
" Sare, I shall tell you my impressions when I
am come first from Paris to London. De English
Ladies, I say to myself must be de most best
educate women in de ' whole world. Dere is
schools for dem every wheres — in a hole and in a
comer. Let me take some walks in de Faux-
bourgs, and what do I see all round myself?
When I look dis way I see on a white house's
fi:t)nt a large bord wid some gilded letters, which
say Seminary for Young Ladies. When I look
dat way, at a big red house, I see anoder bord
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 67
which say Establishment for Young Ladies by
Miss Someones. And when I look up at a little
house, at a little window, over a barber-shop, I
read on a paper Ladies SchooL Den I see
Prospect House, and Grove House, and de Manor
House — so many I cannot call dem names, and
also all schools for de young females. Day
Schools besides. And in my walks, always I
meet some Schools of Young Ladies, eight, nine,
ten times in one day, making dere promenades,
two and two and two. Den I come home to my
lodging^s door, and below the knocker I see one
letter — ^I open it, and I find a Prospectus of a
Lady SchooL By and bye I say to my landlady,
where is your oldest of daughters, which used to
bring to me my breakfast, and she tell me she is
gone out a governess. Next she notice me I
must quit my appartement What for I say.
What have I done ? Do I not pay you all right
like a weekly man of honour? O certainly,
mounseer, she say, you are a gentleman quite,
and no mistakes — but I wants my whole of my
house to myself for to set it up for a Lady School.
Noting but Lady Schools ! — ^and de widow of de
butcher have one more over de street Bless my
soul and my body, I say to myself, dere must be
nobody bom'd in London except leetle girls!"
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68 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD.
CHAPTER XX.
There is a certain poor word in the English
language which of late years has been exceedingly
ill-used — and it must be said, by those who ought
to have known better.
To the disgrace of our colleges, the word in
question was first perverted from its real signifi-
cance at the very head-quarters of learning. The
initiated, indeed, are aware of its local sense, —
but who knows what cost and inconvenience the
duplicity of the term may have caused to the more
ignorant members of the community? Just ima-
gine, for instance, a plain, downright Englishman
who calls a spade a spade, — ^induced perhaps by
the facilities of the railroads — ^making a summer
holiday, and repairing to Cambridge or Oxford,
may be with his whole family, to see he does not
exactly know what — ^whether a Collection of Pic-
tures, Wax-Work, Wild Beasts, Wild Indians, a
Fat Ox, or a Fat Child— but at any rate an
'' ExhibiHmr
More recently the members of the faculty have
taken it into their heads to misuse the unfortu-
nate word, and by help of its misapplication, are
continually promising to the ear what the druggists
really perform to the eye — ^namely, to " exhibit "
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THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 69
their medicines. If the Doctors talked of hiding
them, the phrase would be more germane to the
act: for it would be difficult to conceal a little
Pulv. Rhei — Magnes. sulphat^-or tinct jalapae,
more effectually than by throwing it into a man's or
woman's stomach. And pity it is that the term
has not amongst medical men a more literal signi-
ficance; for it is certain that in many diseases,
and especially of the hypocondriac class — it is cer-
tain, I say, that if the practitioner actually made
" a show" of his materiely the patient would recover
at the mere sight of the " Exhibition."
This was precisely the case with the Rev. T. C.
Had he fallen into the hands of a Homoeopathist
with his in^nitesimal doses, only fit to be exhibited
like the infinitesimal insects through a solar micros-
cope, his recovery would have been hopeless.
But his better fortune provided otherwise. The
German Medecin Rath, who prescribed for him,
was in theory diametrically opposed to Hahne-
mann, and in his tactics he followed Napoleon,
whose leading principle was to bring masses of
all arms, horse, foot, and artillery, to bear on a
given point In accordance with this system, he
therefore prescribed so liberally that the following
articles were in a very short time comprised in his
** Exhibition :"
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70 THE 8CHOOLMI8TREfl6 ABROAD.
A series of powders to be taken every two
hours.
A set of draughts, to wash down the powders.
A box of pills.
A bag full of certain herbs for fomentations.
A large blister, to be put between the shoul-
ders.
Twenty leeches, to be applied to the stomach.
As Macheath sings, " a terrible show I** — but the
doctor, in common with his countrymen, enter-
tained some rather exaggerated notions as to
English habits, and our general addiction to high
feeding and fiist living — an impression that mate-
rially aggravated the treatment
'^He muit be a horse-doctor I" thought Miss
Crane, as she looked over the above articles— at
any rate she resolved — as if governed by the pro-
portion of four legs to two— that her parent should
only take one half of each dose that was ordered.
But even these reduced quantities were too much
for the Rev. T. C. The first instalment he swal-
lowed— the second he smelt, and the third he
merely looked at. To tell the truth, he was fiatst
transforming firom a Malade Imaginaire, into a
Malade Malgr^ LuL In short, the cure proceeded
with the rapidity of a Hohenlohe miracle — a
result the doctor did not fisdl to attribute to the
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THE SCHOOLMI8TBE8S ABROAD. 71
eneigy of his measures, at the same time resolving
that the next English patient he might catch
should be subjected to the same decisive treatment.
Heaveil keep the half, three quarters, and whole
lengths of my dear countrymen and countrywomen
from his Exhibitions I
His third visit to the Englishers at the Adler
was his last He found the Convalescent in his
travelling dress, — Miss Ruth engaged in packing,
— and the Schoolmistress writing the letter which
was to prepare Miss Parfitt for the speedy return
of the family party to Licbanon House. It was of
course a busy time ; and the Medecin Rath speedily
took his fees and his leave.
There remained only the account to settle with
the landlord of the Adler; and as English families
rarely stopped at that wretched inn, the amount
of the bill was quite as extraordinary. Never was
there such a realization of the ^' large reckoning in
a little room."
" Well, I must say," murmured the Schoolmis-
tress, as the coach rumbled off towards home, ^^ I
do wish we had reached Gotha, that I might have
got my shades of wool."
"Humph I" grunted the Rev. T. C, still sore
from the recent disbursement ** They went out for
wool, and they returned shorn."
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72 THE SCHOOLSnSTRESS ABROAD.
'^ We went abroad for pleasure," grumbled Miss
Ruth, ^^ and have met with nothing but pain and
trouble."
^^ And some instruction too," siud Miss Crane,
with even more than her usual gravity. " For my
own part I have met with a lesson that has taught
me my own unfitness for a Governess. For I
cannot think that a style of education which has
made me so helpless and useless as a daughter, can
be the proper one for young females who are here-
after to become wives and mothers, a truth that
every hour has impressed on me since I have been
a Schoolmistress Abroad."
A MORNING THOUGHT.
No more, no more will I resign
My couch so warm and soft,
To trouble trout with hook and line,
That will not spring aloft.
With larks appointments one may fix
To greet the dawning skies.
But hang the getting up at six.
For fish that will not rise !
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73
NO!
No sun — no moon !
No mom — no noon —
No dawn — no dusk — no proper time of day —
No sky — ^no earthly view —
No distance looking blue —
No road — no street — no " t'other side the way "-
No end to any Row —
No indications where the Crescents go-
No top to any steeple —
No recognitions of familiar people —
No courtesies for showing 'em —
No knowing 'em ! —
No travelling at all — ^no locomotion.
No inkling of the way — ^no notion —
" No go " — ^by land or ocean —
No mail — no post —
No news from any foreign coast —
No Park — no Ring — no afternoon gentility —
No company — no nobility —
VOL. I. E
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74 no!
No warmth^ no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member —
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flow'rs, no leaves, no birds,
November !
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75
THE TOWER OF LAHNECK:
A ROMANCE.
Amongst the many castled crags on the banks
of the Rhine, one of the most picturesque is the
ruin of Lahneck, perched on a conical rock, close
to that beautiful little river the Lahn. The Castle
itself is a venerable fragment, with one lofty tower
rising far above the rest of the building— a charac-
teristic feature of a feudal stronghold— being in
fact the Observatory of the Robber-Baron, whence
he watched, not the motions of the heavenly bodies,
but the movements of such earthly ones as might
afford him a booty, or threaten him with an
assault And truly, Lahneck is said to have been
the residence of an order of Teutonic Knights
exactly matching in number the famous band of
Thieves in the Arabian Tale.
However, when the sun sets in a broad blaze
behind the heights of Capellen, and the fine ruin
of Stolzenfels on the opposite banks of the Rhine,
its last rays always linger on the lofty tower of
£2
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76 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
LahnecL Many a time, while standing rod in
hand on one or other of the brown rocks which«
narrowing the channel of the river, form a small
rapid, very &vourab1e to the fisherman — many a
time have I watched the rich warm light burning
beaconUke on the very summit of that solitary
tower, whilst all the river lay beneath in deepest
shadow, save the golden circles that marked where
a fish rose to the sur&ce, or the bright corruscations
made by the screaming swallow as it sportively
dipped its wing in the dusky water, like a gay
firiend breaking in on the cloudy reveries of a
moody mind. And as these natural lights faded
away, the artificial ones of the village of Lahnstein
began to twinkle — the glowing windows of Duquet's
hospitable pavilion, especially, throwing across the
stream a series of dancing reflections that shone
the brighter for the sombre shadows of a massy
clustre of acacias in the tavern-garden. Then the
myriads of chafers, taking to wing, filled the air
with droning — whilst the lovely fire-flies with their
fairy lamps began to flit across my homeward path,
or hovered firom osier to osier, along the calm
waterside. But a truce to these personal reminis-
cences.
It was on a fine afternoon, towards the close of
May, 1 830, that two ladies began slowly to climb
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THE TOWER OF LAUNECK. 77
the winding path which leads through a wild
shrubbery to the ruined Castle of Lahneck. They
were unaccompanied by any person of the other
sex ; but such rambles are less perilous for unpro-
tected females in that country than in our own —
and they had enjoyed several similar excursions
without accident or offence. At any rate, to judge
fix)m their leisurely steps, and the cheerful tone of
their voices, they apprehended no more danger
than might accrue to a gauze or a ribbon from an
overhanging branch or a stray bramble. The
steepness of the ascent forced them occasionally to
halt to take breath, but they stopped quite as fre-
quently to gather the wild flowers, and especially
the sweet valley lilies, there so abundant — to look
up at the time-stained Ruin from a new point, or
to conmient on the beauties of the scenery.
The elder of the ladies spoke in English, to
which her companion replied in the same language,
but with a foreign accent, and occasional idioms,
that belonged to another tongue. In fact, she was
a native of Germany, whereas the other was one
of those many thousands of British travellers whom
the long peace, the steamboat, and the poetry of
Byron had tempted to visit the " blue "and arrowy ^
river. Both were young, handsome, and accom-
plished ; but the Fraulein Von B. was unmarried ;
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78 ,THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
whilst Mrs. was a wife and a mother, and
with her husband and her two children had occu-
pied for some weeks a temporary home within the
walls of Coblenz. It was in this city that a friend-
ship had been formed between the German Girl
and the fidr Islander — the gentle pair who were
now treading so freely and fearlessly under the
walls of a Castle where womanly beauty might
formerly have ventured as safely as the doe near
the den of the lion. But those days are happily
gone by — the dominion of Brute Force is over —
and the Wild Baron who doomed his victims to the
treacherous abyss, has dropped into an Oubliette
as dark and as deep as his own.
At last the two ladies gained the summit of the
mountain, and for some minutes stood still and
silent, as if entranced by the beauty of the scene
before them. There are elevations at which the
mind loses breath as well as the body — and pants
too thickly with thought upon thought to find
ready utterance* This was especially the case with
the Englishwoman, whose cheek flushed, while her
eyes glistened with tears ; for the soul is touched
by beauty as well as melted by kindness, and here
Nature was lavish of both — ^at once charming,
cheering, and refreshing her with a magnificent
prospect, the brightest of sunshine, and the
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THE TOWER OF LAHNECK. 79
baliniest air. Her companion, in the meantime,
was almoet as taciturn, merely uttering the names
of the places — Ober-Lahnstein — Capellen — Stol-
zenfels — Nieder-Lahnstein — St. John's Church —
to which she successively pointed with her little
white finger. Following its direction, the other
lady slowly turned round, till her eyes rested on the
Castle itself, hut she was too near to see the ruin
to advantage, and her neck ached as she strained it
to look up at the lofty tower which rose almost
from her fiset Still she continued to gaze upward,
till her indefinite thoughts grew into a wish that
she could ascend to the top, and thence, as if
suspended in air, enjoy an uninterrupted view of
the whole horizon. It was vnth delight, therefore,
that on turning an angle of the wall she discovered
a low open arch which admitted her to the in-
terior, where, after a little groping, she perceived
a flight of stone steps, winding, as far as the eye
could trace, up the massy walls.
The staircase, however, looked very dark, or
rather dismal, after the bright sunshine she had
just quitted, but the whim of the moment, the
spirit of adventure and curiosity, induced her to
proceed, although her companion, who was more
phlegmatic, started several difiiculties and doubts
as to the practicability of the ascent There were,
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80 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
however, no obstacles to sunnount beyond the
gloom, some trifling heaps of rubbish, and the
&tigue of mounting so many gigantic steps. But
this weariness was richly repaid, whenever through
an occasional loophole she caught a sample of the
bright blue sky, and which like samples in general
appeared of a fiur more intense and beautiful
colour than any she had ever seen in the whole
piece. No, never hadjieaven seemed so heavenly,
or earth so lovely, or water so clear and pure, as
through those narrow apertures — never had she
seen any views so charming as those exquisite
snatches of landscape, framed by the massive
masonry into little cabinet pictures, of a few inches
square — so small, indeed, that the two friends,
pressed cheek to cheek, could only behold them
with one eye apiece ! The Englishwoman knew
at least a dozen of such tableaux, to be seen
through particular loopholes in certain angles of
the walk of Coblenz— but these "pictures of the
Lahneck gallery," as she termed them, tran-
scended them all ! Nevertheless it cost her a sigh
to reflect how many forlorn captives, languishing
perhaps within those very walls, had been con-
fined to such glimpses of the world without — nay,
whose every prospect on this side the grave had
been framed in stone. But such thoughts soon
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THE TOWER OF LAHMECK. 81
pass away firom the minds of the young, the
healthy, and the happy, and the next moment the
fair moralist was challenging the echoes to join with
her in a fitvourite air. Now and then indeed the
song abruptly stopped, or the voice quavered on a
wrong note, as a firagment of mortar rattled down
to the basement, or a disturbed bat rustled from its
im^ing-place, or the air breathed through a crevice
with a sound so like the human sigh, as to revive
her melancholy &ncies. But these were transient
terrors, and only gave rise to peals of light-hearted
merriment, that were mocked by laughing voices
from each angle of the walls.
At last the toilsome ascent was safely accom-
plished, and the two friends stood together on the
top of the tower, drawing a long, delicious breath
of the fresh &ee air. For a time they were both
dazzled to blindness by the sudden change from
gloom to sunshine, as well as dizzy from the un-
accustomed height; but these effects soon wore
off, and the whole splendid panorama, — variegated
with mountains, valleys, rocks, castles, chapels,
spires, towns, villages, vineyards, corn-fields, forests,
and rivers, was revealed to the delighted sense.
As the Englishwoman had anticipated, her eye
could now travel unimpeded roimd the entire
horizon, which it did again and again and again^
£5
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62 THE TOWER OP LAHKECK.
while her lips kept repeating all the superlatives of
admiration.
" It is mine Faderland," murmured the German
girl with a natural tone of triumph in the beauty
of her native country. " Speak — did I not well to
persuade you to here, by little bits, and little bits,
instead of a stop at Horcheim?"
'^ You did indeed, my dear Amanda. Such a
noble prospect would well repay a much longer
walk."
" Look ! — see — dere is Rhense — and de Marx-
berg" — ^but the finger was pointed in vain, for the
eyes it would have guided continued to look in
the opposite direction across the Lahn.
" Is it possible, fix)m here," inquired the English-
woman, *^to see Coblenz?"
Instead of answering this question, the German
girl looked up archly in the speaker's face, and
then smiling and nodding her head, said slily,
" Ah, you do think of a somebody at home I"
"I was thinking of him indeed," replied the
other, " and regretting that he is not at this
moment by my side to enjoy "
She stopped short — for at that instant a tre-
mendous peal, as of the nearest thunder, shook
the tower to its very foundation. The German
shrieked, and the ever ready " Ach Gottl" burst
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THE TOWER OF LAHNECK. 83
firom her quivering lips; but the Englishwoman
neither stirred nor spoke, though her cheek turned
of the hue of death. Some minds are much more
apprehensive than others, and hers was unusually
quick in its conclusions, — the thought passed from
cause to consequence with the rapidity of the
voltaic spark. Ere the sound had done rumbling,
she knew the nature of the calamity as distinctly
as if an evil spirit had whispered it in her ear.
Nevertheless, an irresistible impulse, that dreadful
attraction which draws us in spite of ourselves to
look on what is horrible and approach to the very
verge of danger, impelled her to seek the very
sight she most feared to encounter. Her mind
indeed recoiled, but her limbs, as by a volition
superior to her own, dragged her to the brink of
the abyss she had prophetically painted, where the
reality presented itself with a startling resemblance
to the ideal picture.
Yes, there yawned that dark chasm, unfathom-
able by the human eye, a great gulf fixed — perhaps
eternally fixed — ^between herself and the earth,
with all it contained of most dear and precious to
the heart of a wife and a mother. Three — only
the three uppermost steps of the gigantic staircase
still remained in their place, and even these as
she gazed at them suddenly plunged into the
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84 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
dreary void ; and after an interval which indicated
the frightful depth they had to plumb, reached the
bottom with a crash that was followed by a roll of
hollow echoes from the subterranean vaults I
As the sound ceased, the Englishwoman turned
away, with a gasp and a visible shudder, from the
horrid chasm. It was with the utmost difficulty
that she had mastered a mechanical inclination to
throw herself after the filling mass— an impulse
very commonly induced by the unexpected
descent of a large body from our own level. But
what had she gained? Perhaps but a more lin-
gering and horrible fate— a little more time to
break her heart in — so many more wretched hours
to lament for her lost treasures — her cheerfril
home — ^her married felicity — her maternal joys,
and to look with unavailing yearnings towards
Coblenz. But that sunny landscape had become
intolerable; and she hastily closed her eyes and
covered her face with her hands. Alas I she only
beheld the more vividly the household images,
and dear fiuniliar &ces that distractingly associated
the happiness of the past with the misery of the
present — for out of the very sweetness of her life
came intenser bitterness, and fix>m its brightest
phases an extremer darkness, even as the smiling
valley beneath her had changed into that of the
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THE TOWER OF LAHNECK. 85
Shadow of Death I The Destroyer had indeed
assumed almost a visible presence, and like a poor
trembling bird, conscious of the stooping fidcon,
the devoted victim sank down and cowered on the
hard, cold, rugged roof of the fatsl Tower I
The German girl, in the meanwhile, had thrown
herself on her knees, and with her neck at full
stretch over the low parapet, looked eagerly fix)m
east to west for succour — but from the mill up
the stream to the ferry down below, and along the
road on either side of the river, she could not
descry a living object. Yes — ^no— yes — ^there was
one on the mountain itself moving among the
brushwood, and even approaching the castle ;
closer he came^ — ^and closer yet, to the very base
of the Tower. But his search, whatever it was,
tended earthwards, for he never looked up.
** Here I— come I — gleich 1 — quick l** and the
agitated speaker hurriedly beckoned to her com-
panion in misfortune^ — ** we must make a cry both
togeder, and so loud as we can," and setting the
example she raised her voice to its utmost pitch ;
but the air was so rarified that the sound seemed
feeble even to herself
At any rate it did not reach the figure below —
nor would a fiur louder alarm, for that figure was
little Kranz, the deaf and dumb boy of Lahnstein,
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86 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
who was gathering bunches of the valley-lillies
for sale to the company at the inn. Accordingly,
after a desultory ramble round the ruins, he
descended to the road, and slowly proceeded
along the water side towards the ferry, where he
disappeared.
" Lieber Gott !" exclaimed the poor girl ; " it is
too far to make one hear I''
So saying she sprang to her feet, and with her
white handkerchief kept waving signals of distress,
till from sheer exhaustion her arms refused their
office. But not one of those pleasure-parties so
frequent on fine summer days in that favourite
valley had visited the spot There was a Kirch-
Weih at Neundorf, down the Rhine, and the
holiday-makers had all proceeded with their cha-
racteristic uniformity in that direction.
" Dere is nobody at all," said the German,
dropping her arms and head in utter despondence,
" not one to see us 1"
**And if there were," added a hollow voice,
" what human help could avail us at this dreadful
height?"
The truth of this reflection was awfully appa-
rent; but who when life is at stake can resign
hope, or its last tearful contingency though frail
as a spider^s thread encumbered with dewdrops ?
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THE TOWER OF LAHNECK. 87
The German, in spite of her misgivings, resumed
her watch ; till after a long, weary, dreary hour, a
solitary figure issued from a hut a little lower
down on the opponte side of the Lahn, and step-
ping into a boat propelled it to the middle of the
stream. It was one of the poor fishermen who
rented the water, and rowing directly to the rapid,
he made a cast or two with his net, immediately
within the reflection of the Castle. But he was
too distant to hear the cry that appealed to him,
and too much absorbed in the success or Mlure of
his peculiar lottery to look aloft. Like the deaf
and dumb boy, he passed on, but in the opposite
direction, and gradually disappeared.
" It will never be seen l** ejaculated the German
girl, again dropping her arm — a doubtfiil prophecy,
however, for immediately afterwards the Rhenish
steamboat crossed the mouth of the lesser river,
and probably more than, one telescope was pointed
to the romantic nun of Lahneck. But the dis-
tance was great, and even had it been less, the
waving of a. white handkerchief would have been
taken for a merry or a firiendly salute*
In the meantime the steamboat passed out of
sight behind the high ground ; but the long
streamer of smoke was still visible, like a day-
meteor, swiftly flying along, and in a direction
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8ft THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
that made the Englishwoman stretch out her arms
after the fleeting vapour as if it had been a thing
sensible to human supplication.
" It is gone also I" exclaimed her partner in
misery. " And in a short while my liebe mutter
will see it come to Coblenz l**
The Englishwoman groaned.
** It is my blame," continued the other, in an
agony pf self-reproach ; ** it was my blame to come
so wide — ^not one can tell where. Nobody shall
seek at Lahneck — dey will think we are dropped
into de Rhine. Yes — we must die both! We
must die of Punishment — ^and de cornfields, and
de vines is all round one 1 "
And thus hour passed after hour, still watching
promises that budded and blossomed and withered
— and still flowered again and again without fiiii-
tion — ^till the shades of evening began to fall, and
the prospect became in every sense darker and
darker.
Barge after barge had floated down the river,
but the steersman had been intent on keeping hb
craft in the middle of the current in the most
difficult part of his navigation — the miller had
passed along the road at the base of the mountain,
but his thoughts were fixed on the home within
his view — the female peasant drove her cows from
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THE TOWER OF LAHNECK. 89
the pasture — the truant children returned to the
village, and the fisherman drifting -down the
stream, again landed, and after hanging his nets
up to dry between the trees on the opposite mea^
dows, re-entered his hut But none saw the
signal, none heard the cry, or if they did it was
supposed to be the shrill squeak of the bat
There was even company at the inn, for the win-
dows of Duquet's pavilion began to sparkle, but
the enjoyments of the party had stopped short of
the romantic and the picturesque — ^thcly were
quaffing Rhein wein, and eating thick sour
cream, sweetened with sugar, and flavoured with
cinnamon.
" It is hard, mine fiiend," sobbed the German,
" not one thinks but for themselves."
** It is unjust," might have retorted the wife and
mother, ^' for / think of my husband and children,
and they think of me."
Why else did her sobs so disturb the tranquil
air, or wherefore did she paint her beloved
Edward and her two &ir-haired boys with their
feces so distorted by grief? The present and
the future — for time is nothing in such visions —
were almost simultaneously before her, and the
happy home of one moment was transfigured at
the next instant into the house of mourning.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
90 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
The contrast was agonizing but unspeakable —
one of those stupendous woes which stupify the
soul, as when the body is not pierced with a
single wound, but mortally crushed She was not
merely stricken but stuimed*
^Mein Gott!" exclaimed the German girl,
after a vain experiment on the passiveness of her
companion, ^' why do you not speak someting —
what shall we do?"
<< Nothing," answered a shuddering whisper,
"except — die I"
A long pause ensued, during which the Ger-
man girl more than once approached and looked
down the pitch black orifice which had opened
to the &llen stairs. Perhaps it looked less
gloomy than by daylight in the full blaze of the
sun, — ^perhaps she had read and adopted a melan-
choly, morbid tone of feeling too common to
German works, when they treat of a voluntary
death, or perhaps the Diabolical Prompter was
himself at hand with the desperate suggestion,
&tal alike to body and to soul, — ^but the wretched
creature drew nearer and nearer to the dangerous
verge.
Her purpose, however, was checked* Although
the air was perfectly still, she heard a sudden
rustle amongst the ivy on that side of the Tower,
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.TH£ TOWER OP LAHXECK. 91
which, even while it made her start, had whis-
pered a new hope in her ear. Was it possible
that her signals had been observed — ^that her cries
had been heard? And again the sound was
audible, followed by a loud harsh cry, and a large
Owl, like a bird of ill omen, as it is, fluttered
slowly over the heads of the devoted pair, and
again it shrieked and flapped round them, as if to
inv(dve them in a magical circle, and then with a
third and shriller screech suled away like an Evil
Spirit, in the direction of the Black Forest
Nor was that boding fowl without its sinister
influence on human destiny. The disappointment
it caused to the victim was mortal It was the
drop that overbrimmed her cup^
"No,** she muttered, "dere is no more hopes.
For myself I will not starve up here — ^I know my
best friend, and will cast my troubles on the
bosom of my mother earth."
Absorbed in her own grief the 'Englishwoman
did not at first comprehend the import of these
words ; but all at once their meamng dawned on
her with a dreadful significance. It was, however,
too late. Her eye caught a glimpse of the skirt
of a garment, her ear detected a momentary flut-
ter— ^and she was alone on that terrible tower !
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92 THE TOWER OF LAHNECK.
And did she too perish? Alas! ask the pea-
sants and the fishermen who daily worked for
their bread in that valley or on its river; ask the
ferryman who hourly passed to and fi^o, and the
bargeman, who made the stream his thoroughfare,
and they will tell you, one and all, that they
heard nothing and saw nothing, for Labour looks
downward and forward, and round about, but not
upward Nay, ask the angler himself, who with-
drew his fly fix)m the circling eddies of the rapids
to look at the last beams of sunshine glowing on
the lofty Ruin— and he answers that he never
saw living creature on its summit, except once,
when the Crow and the Raven were hovering
about the building, and a screaming Eagle,
although it had no nest there, was perched on the
Tower of Lahneck.
Note. — This story— (which some hardy critic affirmed was
<* an old Legend of the Rhine, to be found in any Guide-book,**)
—was suggested by the recital of two ladies, who attempted to
ascend to the top of the Tower of Lahneck, but were deterred
by the shaking of the stone stairs. They both consider, to
this day, that they narrowly escaped a fate akin to the catas-
trophe of poor Amy Robsart ; and have visible shudderings when
they hear, or read, of old Rhenish castles and oubliettes.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
93
TO MY DAUGHTER.
ON HF.R BIRTHDAY.
Dear Fanny I nine long years ago.
While yet the rooming sun was low.
And rosy with the Eastern glow
The landscape smil'd —
Whilst low*d the newly-wakened herds-
Sweet as the early song of birds,
I heard those first, delightful words,
"Thou hast a Child I"
Along with that uprising dew
Tears glisten'd in my eyes, though few,
To hail a dawning quite as new
To me, as Time :
It was not sorrow — not annoy —
But like a happy maid, though coy.
With grief-like welcome even Joy
Forestab its prime.
So mayst thou live, dear I many years,
In all the bliss that life endears.
Not without smiles, nor yet firom tears
Too strictly kept :
When first thy infant littleness
I folded in my fond caress.
The greatest proof of happiness
Was this — I wept
Digitized by VjOOQIC
94
A SEA-TOTALLER.
THE SHORT PLEDGE.
" I'll tell you what it is,^ said the President of
the Social Glassites, at the same time mixing a
fresh tumbler of grog — rather stiffer than the last
— for the subject of Temperance and Tea-totalism
had turned up^ and he could not discuss it with
dry lips — " V\l tell you what it is : Temperance is
Digitized by VjOOQIC
A SEA-TOTALLER. 95
all very well, provided it's indulged in with
moderation, and without injury to your health or
business ; but when it sets a man spouting, and
swa^ering, and flag-cwrying, and tea-gardening,
and dressing himself up like a play-actor, why
he might as well have his mind unsobered with
anything else."
** That's very true," said the Vice-president, — a
gentleman with a remarkably red nose.
" I have seen many Teatotal Processions," con-
tinued the President, " and I don't hesitate to
say, that every man and woman amongst them
was more or less intoxicated — ^
" Eh, what?" asked a member, hastily removing
his cigar.
" Yes, intoxicated, I say, with pride and vanity
— what with the bands of music, and the banners,
and the ribbons, and maybe one of their top-
sawyers, with his white wand, swaggering along
at their head, and looking quite convinced that
because he hasn't made a Beast of himself he must
be a Beauty. Instead of which, to my mind,
there can't be a more pitifid sight than a great
hulking fellow all covered with medals and orders,
like a Lord Nelson, for only taking care of his
own precious health, and trying to live long in
the land ; and particularly if he's got a short neck
Digitized by VjOOQIC
96 A SEA-TOTALLER.
and a fiill habit Why the Royal Humane So-
ciety might just as well make a procession of all
the people who don't drink water to excess,
instead of those objects that do, and with ribbons
and medals round their necks, for being then*
own life-preservers!"
"That's very true," said the Vice. "I've seen
a Master Grand of a Teatotaller with as many
ornaments about him as a foreign prince I"
" Why I once stopped my own grog," continued
the President, "for twelve months together, of
my own accord, because I was a little wheezy;
and yet never stuck even a snip of ribbon at my
button-hole. But that's modest merit, — ^whereas
a regular Temperance fellow would have put on a
broad blue sash, as if he was a Knight of the
Bath, and had drunk the bath all up instead of
swimming in it"
" That's very true,*' repeated the Vice.
"Temperance is, no doubt, a virtue," said the
President; "but it is not the only one; though,
to judge by some of their Tracts and Speeches,
you would think that because a Totaller drinks
Adam's ale he is as innocent as our first Parents
in Paradise, which, begging their pardons, is alto-
gether an error, and no mistake. Sin and strong
drink are not bom relations ; though they often
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A SEA-TOTALLER. 97
come together. The first murderer in the world
was a water-drinker, and when he killed his poor
brother, was as sober as a judge,"
"If that am't true,'* exclaimed the red-nosed
Vice, "I'll be pounded 1"
** It was intemperance, however," said the Pre-
sident ; " because why ? it was indulging in
ardent passions and fermented feeUngs, agin
which, in my humble opinion, we ought to take
Long and Short Pledges, as much as agin spirit-
ous liquors. Not to mention the strong things
that come out of people's mouths, and are quite
as deleterious as any that go into them — ^for
example, profane swearing, and lying, and slan-
dering, and foul language, and which, not to
name names, are dealt in by parties who would
not even look at Fine Old Pineapple Rum, or
Cream of the Valley."
" That's correct, anyhow," said the Vice ; and
he replenished his tumbler.
" To be sure. Temperance has done wonders in
Ireland," continued the President, "and to my
mind, little short of a miracle — namely, repealing
the Old Union of Whisky-and-Water, — and which
would have seemed a much tougher job. than
O'Connell's. However, Father Mathew has ac-
complished it, and instead of a Parliament in
VOL. I. F
Digitized by VjOOQIC
98 A 8EA-T0TALLER.
College Green we are likely to see a far stranger
sight, and that's a whole County of Cork without
a bottle to it"
"Humph!" ejaculated the Vice, and took a
liberal draught of his mixture* " But they'll take
to party spirit in loo."
" Like enough," said the President; "for when
once we get accustomed to strong stimuluses, we
find it hard to go without 'em ; and they do say,
that many of those parties who have left off
liquors, have taken to opium. But the greatest
danger with new converts and prostelytes, is of
their rushing into another extreme — and that re-
minds me of a story to the point"
" Now then," said the Member with the
cigar.
"It was last September," said the President,
" when I owned the Rose in June, and a sweet
pretty craft she was. I had bought a lot of lines
and a trawling net along with her; and besides
cruising for pleasure, we used now and then to
cast about for a bit of fresh fish for my missus, or
by way of present to a fiiend. Well, one day, just
below Gravesend, we had fished all the morning,
but without any luck at all, except one poor little
skate that lay on the deck, making faces at us like
a dying Christian, first pouting out its lips, and
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A SEA-TOT ALLER. 99
then drawing them in again with a long suck of
its breath, for all the world like a fellow-creature
with a stitch in the side, or a spasm in his chest.
The next haul we got nothing but lots of mud, a
bit of seaweed, a lump of coal, a rotten bung, and
an old shoe. However, the third time the net
felt heavy enough for a porpus, and sure enough
on hauling it up to the top of the water, we saw
some very large fish a-flopping about in it, quite
as big as a grampus, only nothing like the species.
Well, we pulled and hauled, Jack and I — (you
remember Jack) — till we got the creature aboard
over the bulwarks, and there it rolled on the deck,
such a Sea Monster as never was seen afore nor
since. It was full six feet long, with a round head
like a man's, but bald, — though it had a beard
and whiskers of sandy-coloured hair. We could
not see the face, by reason of the creature always
hiding it with its paws, which were like a man's
hands, only with a sort of web between the fingers.
All the upper part of the body was of a flesh or
salmon colour down to the middle, where the skin
became first bluer, and then greener and greener,
as well as more rough and scaly, till the body
forked ofl^ into two distinct fish's tails.
" * I'll tell you what, master,' says Jack Refers,
after taking a good look at the monster, and
F 3
Digitized by VjOOQIC
100 A SEA-TOT ALLER,
poking it about a bit with a handspike, ^I'm
blest if it isn't a Cock Mermaid !'"
" No doubt of it," said the Vice.
^*To tell the truth," said the President, "I had
the same thought in mj head, but was afraid to
name it, because such animals have been reckoned
fabulous. However, there it was on the deck, as
large as life, and a certain fortune to the owner,
as an article for exhibition ; and I won't deny that
I began in my own mind a rough guess at the sum
total of all the inhabitants of England, Scotland,
Ireland, and Wales, at a shilling a-head. Jack,
too, seemed in a brown study, maybe settling what
share, in right and justice, he ought to have of the
profits, or perhaps wondering, and puzzled to
make head or tail of the question, whether the
creature was properly a beast or a fish. As for
myself, I felt a little flustered, as you may sup-
pose, not only by the strangeness of the pheno-
menon, but at the prospect of such a prodigious
fortune. In point of fact, I was all in a tremor,
like a steam-vessel with high-pressure engines, and
accordingly sent Jack down below for my brandy-
bottle out of the locker, just to steady my nerves.
^ Here's to us both,' says I, nodding and winking
at Jack, ^ and to the Cock Mermaid into the bar-
gain; for unless I'm mistaken, it'll prove a gold
Digitized by VjOOQIC
A SEA-TOT ALLER. 101
fish in the end.' I was rather premature : for the
noise of pulling out the cork made the creature
look round, which was the first time we had
caught a fair look at its &ce. When lo and be-
hold 1 Jack no sooner clapped his eyes on the
features, than he sings out again,
** * I'm blest,' says he — for I didn't allow swear-
ing—^Tm blest if it isn't Bob Buncel'
•* Well, the Merman gave a nod, as much as to
say, * You're right, I'm him ;' and then scrambling
up into a sitting posture, with his back agin the
companion, made a sign to me for the bottle. So
I handed him the flask, which he took a sup of
through the net ; but the liquor went against his
fishified nature, and pulling a very wry face, he
spirted it all out again, and gave me back the
bottle. To my mind that settled the matter about
his being a rational creature. It was moral impos-
sible, though he might have an outside resem-
blance, like the apes and monkeys, to the human
species. But I was premature again; for, afler
rolling about a bit, he took me all aback with an
odd sort of a voice coming out of his mouth, which
was as round as the hole of a flute.
" * Here,' says he, * lend us a hand to get out of
the net'
"*It's Bob Bunce, sure enough,' cries Jack;
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102 A 8EA-TOTALLER.
* that's his voice, 111 take my davit, howsomever
he's got transmogrified.'
" And with that he stooped down and helped the
creature, whatever it was, out of the net, and then
popped him up on his two tails against the mast.
" * And now,' says he, * if you're a Cock Mer-
maid, as master thinks, you may hold your tongue ;
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A 8EA-TOTALLER. 103
but if SO be you're Bob Bunce, as I suspects,' (and
if Jack always used the solemn tone he did at that
minute he'd make a first-rate popular preacher,)
*why then don't renounce your god&thers and
godmothers in your baptism, and your christian
religion^ but say so at once like a man.'
" * I ham Bob Bunce, then,' said the creature,
with a very strong emphasis, * or rayther I trer^,'
and along with the last word two great tears as
big as swanshot sprang out of his pale blue eyes,
and rolled down his flabby cheeks. * Yes, I were
Bob Bunce, and known by sight to every man,
wQman, and child in Deptford*'
"* That's true any how,' said Jack; 'cause
why? You were so often a reeling drunk about
the streets.'
" * There's no denying it,' said Bob, * and plenty
of contrary evidence if I did. But it wam't the
strong liquors that ruined me, but quite the
reverse; for you see, sir,' addressing me, 'one
day after a drunken fit a she-teatotaller got hold
of me while I was sick and sorry, and prevailed
on me to join a Temperance Club, and take the
long pledge, which I did.'
'* ' And now,' says she, ' you're nabb'd, and after
that every drop of liquor you take will flare up agin
you hereafter like blazes, and make a snap-dragon
on you in the tother world.'
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104 A SEA-TOTALLEIt
" * Well, being low and narvous, that scarified
me at once into water-drinking, and I was fool
enough to think, that the more water I drunk
the more sober I should be ; whereby at last I
reached the pint of taking above two or three gallons
a-day. For all that I got no stronger or better,
as the speeches and tracks had promised, but
rather weaker and weaker ; and instead of a fair
complexion, began turning blueish and greenish,
besides my body being covered, as they say, with
goose-skin, and my legs of a scaly character. As for
walking, I staggered worse than ever, through
gettin' knockneed and splay-footed, which was the
beginnin' of their transmogrification. The long and
the short is, sir, though I didn't know it, that along o
so much water, I'd been drinkin' myself amphibbus.'
" * Well, that sounds like philosophy,' says Jack :
* but then. Bob, how come ye into the river ?'
^' * Ah I' says Bob, shaking his head, ^ that's the
sinfiil part o' the story. But between mortification,
and the fear of being showed up for a mermaid, I
resolved to put an end to myseli^ and so crawled
down arter dark to Cole's wharf and flung myself
into the river. But instead of drownding as I ex-
pected, the water that came into my mouth seemed
to go out agin at my ears, and I found I could
swim about and rise to the top or dive to the bottom
as nat'ral as a fish. That gave me time to repent
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A SEA-TOTALLEIU 105
and reflect, and the consequence is, Fve lived a
wet life for above a week, and am almost reconciled
to the same — only I don't take quite kindly yet to
the raw dabs and flounders, and so was making my
way down to the oyster-beds in the Medway, when
your net come and ketch'd me up.'
"*But you wouldn't spend your days in the ocean,
would you. Bob ?' asked Jack, in a sort of coaxing
tone that was meant to be very agreeable. ' As
to hoysters, you may have 'em on dry land, real
natives, and ready opened for you, and what's
more, pepper'd and vinegar'd, which you can't in
the Medway. And in respect to walking, why,
me and master would engage to purvide you with
a carriage."
"*A wan, you mean,' said the other, with a
piercing look at Jack, and then another at me,
that made me wince. * A wan — and Bartlemy
Fair— but I'll die first f
" And rising upright on his double tail, before we
could lay hands on him, he threw a summerset over
the bulwark, and disappeared."
" And was that the last of him ?" said the Vice.
"It was, gentlemen," replied the President
^* For Bunce, or Bounce, or Teartotaller, or Sea-
totaller, we never set eyes on him again."
** Well, that's a warning anyhow," said the Vice.
F 6
Digitized by VjOOQIC
106 A SEA-TOT ALLER.
again helping himself from the bottle. " I've heard
political people talk of swamping the constitution^
but never knew before that it was done with pump
water."
"Nor I neither," said the Member with the
cigar.
"Why you see," said the President, "Tem-
perance is a very praise-worthy object to a proper
extent; but a thing may be carried too far, as
Sinbadsaid to the Old Man of the Sea. No doubt
water-drinking is very wholesome while it's in-
dulged in with moderation, but when you come to
take it to excess, why you may equally make a
beast of yourself, like poor Bob Bunce, and be
unable to keep your legs^
EPIGRAM
ON JJRS. PARKBS'S PAUPULKT.
Such Strictures as these
Could a learned Chinese
Only read on some fine afternoon.
He would cry with pale lips,
" We shall have an Eclipse,
For a Dragon has seized on the Moon !"
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107
THE FORGE:
A ROMANCE OF THE IRON AGE.
Who *8 here, beside foul weather ?
King Lear.
Mine enemy's dog, though he had bit roe,
Should have stood that night against my fire.
Cordelia.
PART I.
Lire a dead man gone to his shroud,
The sun has sunk in a coppery cloud.
And the wind is rising squally and loud
With many a stormy token, —
Playing a wild funereal air.
Through the branches bleak, bereaved, and bare,
To the dead leaves dancing here and there —
In short, if the truth were spoken.
It 's an ugly night for anywhere.
But an awM one for the Brocken t
Digitized by VjOOQIC
108 THE FORGE.
For oh ! to stop
On that mountain top^
After the dews of evening drop,
Is always a dreary frolic —
Then what must it be when nature groans.
And the very mountain murmurs and moans.
As if it writhed with the cholic —
With other strange supernatural tones.
From wood, and water, and echoing stones.
Not to forget unburied bones —
In a region so diabolic !
A place where he whom we call old Scratch,
By help of his Witches — a precious batch —
Gives midnight concerts and sermons.
In a Pulpit and Orchestra built to match,
A plot right worthy of him to hatch.
And well adapted, he knows, to catch
The musical, mystical Germans !
However it 's quite
As wild a night
As ever was known on that sinister height
Since the Demon-Dance was morriced —
The earth is dark, and the sky is scowling.
And the blast through the pines is howling and
growling,
As if a thousand wolves were prowling
About in the old Black Forest I
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THE FORGE. 109
Madly, sadly, the Tempest raves
Through the narrow gullies and hoUow caves.
And bursts on the rocks in windy waves,
Like the billows that roar
On a gusty shore
Mourning over the mariners' graves —
Nay, more like a frantic lamentation
From a howling set
Of demons met
To wake a dead relation.
Badly, madly, the vapours fly
Over the dark distracted sky.
At a pace that no pen can paint !
Black and vague like the shadows of dreams.
Scudding over the moon that seems
Shorn of half her usual beams.
As pale as if she would &int !
The lightning flashes.
The thunder crashes.
The trees encounter vnth horrible clashes,
While rolling up from marish and bog.
Rank and rich.
As from Stygian ditch.
Rises a fonl sulphureous fc^
Hinting that Satan himself is agog, —
Digitized by VjOOQIC
110 THE FORGE.
But leaving at once this heroical pitchy
The night is a very bad night in which
You wouldn't turn out a dog.
Yet ONE there is abroad in the storm^
And whenever by chance
The moon gets a glance.
She spies the Traveller's lonely form,
Walking, leaping, striding along,
As none can do but the super-strong ;
And flapping his arms to keep him warm.
For the breeze from the North is a regular starver.
And to tell the truth.
More keen, in sooth.
And cutting than any German carver !
However, no time it is to lag,
And on he scrambles from crag to crag,
Like one determined never to flag —
Now weathers a block
Of jutting rock.
With hardly room for a toe to wag ;
But holding on by a timber snag,
That looks like the arm of a friendly hag ;
Then stooping under a drooping bough.
Or leaping over some horrid chasm.
Enough to give any heart a spasm !
And sinking down a precipice now.
Keeping his feet the Deuce knows how,.
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THE FORGE. ] 1 1
In spots whence all creatures would keep aloof^
Except the Goat, with his cloven hoof,
Who clings to the shallowest ledge as if
He grew like the weed on the face of the cliff!
So down, still down, the Traveller goes.
Safe as the Chamois amid his snows.
Though fiercer than ever the hurricane blows.
And round him eddy, with whirl and whizz.
Tornadoes of hail, and sleet, and rain.
Enough to bewilder a weaker brain.
Or blanch any other visage than his.
Which spite of lightning, thunder, and hail.
The blinding sleet and the freezing gale.
And the horrid abyss.
If his foot should miss.
Instead of tending at all to pale.
Like cheeks that feel the chill of afiright —
Remains — the very reverse of white I
His heart is granite — his iron nerve
Feels no convulsive twitches ;
And as to his foot, it does not swerve,
Tho' the Screech-Owls are flitting about him that
serve
For parrots to Brocken Witches !
Nay, full in his very path he spies
The gleam of the Were Wolfs horrid eyes;
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112 THE FORGE.
But if his members quiver —
It is not for that — ^no, it is not for thai —
Nor rat,
Nor cat,
As black as your hat.
Nor the snake that hiss'd, nor the toad that spat.
Nor glimmering candles of dead men's fat.
Nor even the flap of the Vampire Bat,
No anserine skin would rise thereat,
It 's the cold that makes Him shiver !
So down, still down, through gully and glen.
Never trodden by foot of men,
Past the Eagle's nest, and the She- Wolf 's den,
Never caring a jot how steep
Or how narrow the track' he has to keep.
Or how wide and deep
An abyss to leap,
Or what may fly, or walk, or creep,
Down he hurries through darkness and storm.
Flapping his arms to keep him warm —
Till threading many a pass abhorrent.
At last he reaches the mountain gorge,
And takes a path along by a torrent—
The very identical path, by St Geoige !
Down which young Fridolin went to the Forge,
With a message meant for his own death-warrant !
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THE FORGE. 113
Young Fridolin ! young Fridolin !
So free from sauce, and sloth, and sin.
The best of pages
Whatever their ages, .
Since first that singular fashion came in —
Not he like those modem and idle young gluttons
With little jackets, so smart and spruce.
Of Lincoln green, sky-blue, or puce —
And a Uttle gold lace you may introduce —
Very showy, but as for use.
Not worth so many buttons !
Young Fridolin ; young Fridolin !
Of his duty so true a fiilfiUer —
But here we need no farther go
For whoever desires the Tale to know.
May read it all in Schiller.
Faster now the Traveller speeds.
Whither his guiding beacon leads,
For by yonder glare
In the murky air.
He knows that the Eisen Hutte is there !
With its sooty Cyclops, savage and grim,
Hosts, a guest had better forbear.
Whose thoughts are set upon dainty fare —
But stiff with cold in every limb.
The Furnace Fire is the bait for Him !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
114 THE FORGE.
Faster and faster still he goes^
Whilst redder and redder the welkm glows,
And the lowest clouds that scud in the sky
Get crimson fringes in flitting by.
Till lo ! amid the lurid light,
The daikest object intensely daric.
Just where the bright is intensely bright,
The Forge, the Forge itself is in sight.
Like the pitch-black hull of a burning bark,
With volleying smoke, and many a spark.
Vomiting fire, red, yellow, and white !
Restless, quivering tongues of flame !
Heavenward striving still to go.
While others, reversed in the stream below,
Seem seeking a place we will not name.
But well that Traveller knows the same.
Who stops and stands.
So rubbing his hands.
And snufiing the rare
Perfumes in the air.
For old familiar odours are there.
And then direct by the shortest cut.
Like Alpine Marmot, whom neither rut.
Rivers, rocks, nor thickets rebut.
Makes his way to the blazing Hut I
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1
THE FORGE. 115
PABT II.
Idly watching the Furnace-flames,
The men of the stithy
Are in their smithy.
Brutal monsters, with bulky frames,
Beings Humanity scarcely claims.
But hybrids rather of demon race,
Unbless'd by the holy rite of grace.
Who never had gone by Christian names,
Mark, or Matthew, Peter, or James —
Naked, foul, unshorn, unkempt,
From touch of natural shame exempt,
Things of which Delirium has dreamt —
But wherefore dwell on these verbal sketches.
When traced with frightfiil truth and vigour.
Costume, attitude, face, and figure,
Retsch has drawn the very wretches !
However, there they lounge about.
The grim, gigantic fellows.
Hardly hearing the storm without.
That makes so very dreadful a rout.
For the constant roar
From the furnace door.
And the blast of the monstrous bellows !
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116 THE FORGE.
Oh, what a scene
That Forge had been
For Salvator Rosa's study 1
With wall, and beam, and post, and pin,
Andthoseruffianljcreatures,Iike Shapesof Sin,
Hair, and eyes, and rusty skin,
Illumed by a light so ruddy
The Hut, and whatever there is therein.
Looks either red-hot or bloody I
And, oh ! to hear the frequent burst
Of strange, extravagant laughter,
Harsh and hoarse.
And resounding perforce
- From echoing roof and rafter !
Though curses, the worst
That ever were curst,
And threats that Cain invented the first.
Come growling the instant after !
But again the livelier peal is rung,
For the Smith-hight Salamander,
In the jaigon of some Titanic tongue.
Elsewhere never said or sung,
With the voice of a Stentor in joke has flung
Some cumbrous sort
Of sledge-hammer retort
At Red Beard, the crew's commander.
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THE FORGE. I I 7
Some frightful jest — who knows how wild.
Or obscene, from a monster so defiled,
And a horrible mouth, of such extent.
From flapping ear to ear it went.
And show'd such tusks whenever it smiled —
The very mouth to devour a child 1
But fair or foul the jest gives birth
To another bellow of demon muth.
That far outroars the weather.
As if all the Hyaenas that prowl the earth
Had clubb'd their laughs together !
And lo 1 in the middle of all the din,
Not seeming to care a single pin.
For a prospect so volcanic,
A Stranger steps abruptly in,
Of an aspect rather Satanic :
And he looks with a grin, at those Cyclops grim.
Who stare and grin again at him
With wondrous little panic
Then up to the Furnace the Stranger goes.
Eager to thaw his ears and nose.
And warm his frozen fingers and toes — ,
While each succeeding minute.
Hotter and hotter the Smithy grows.
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118 THE FORGE.
And seems to declare,
By a fiercer glare.
On wall, roof, floor, and everywhere,
It knows the Devil is in it !
Still not a word
Is utter'd or heard.
But the beetle-brow'd Foreman nods and winks,
Much as a shaggy old Lyon blinks.
And makes a shift
To impart his drift
To a smoky brother, who joining the links,
Hints to a third the thing he thinks ;
And whatever it be,
They all agree
In smiling with faces ftill of glee,
As if about to enjoy High Jinks.
What sort of tricks they mean to play
By way of diversion, who can say,
Of such ferocious and barbarous folk.
Who chuckled, indeed, and never spoke
Of burning Robert the Jager to coke.
Except as a capital practical joke !
Who never thought of Mercy, or heard her,
Or any gentle emotion felt ;
But hard as the iron they had to melt.
Sported with Danger and romp'd with Murder !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE FORGE. 1 19
Meanwhile the Stranger —
The Brocken Ranger,
Besides another and hotter post.
That renders him not averse to a roast, —
Creeping into the Furnace almost.
Has made himself as warm as a toast —
When, unsuspicious of any danger.
And least of all of any such maggot.
As treating his body like a fiEiggot,
AM at once he is seized and shoven
In pastime cruel,
Like so much fiiel.
Headlong into the blazing oven I
In he goes 1 with a frightful shout
Mock'd by the rugged ruffianly band,
As round the Ftunace mouth they stand.
Bar, and shovel, and ladle in hand.
To hinder their Butt from crawling out.
Who making one fierce attempt, but vain.
Receives such a blow
From Red-Beard's crow
As crashes the skull and gashes the brain.
And blind, and dizzy, and stunn'd with pain,
With merely an inteijectional oh !
Back he rolls in the flames again.
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120 THE FOROE.
" Ha 1 Hi^! Ho ! Ho I '' That second fall
Seems the very best joke of all,
To judge by the roar,
Twice as loud as before.
That fills the Hut fi'om the roof to the floor,
And flies a league or two out of the door,
Up the mountain and over the moor —
But scarcely the jolly echoes they wake.
Have well begun
To take up the fim, •
Ere the shaggy Felons have cause to quake,
And begin to feel that the deed they have done.
Instead of being a pleasant one,
Was a very great error — ^and no mistake.
For why ? — in lieu
Of its former hue.
So natural, warm, and florid.
The Furnace burns of a brimstone blue.
And instead of the cokur de rose it threw.
With a cooler reflection, — justly due —
Exhibits each of the Pagan crew.
Livid, ghastly, and horrid !
But vainly they close their guilty eyes
Against prophetic fears ;
Or with hard and homy palms devise
To dam their enormous ears —
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THE FORGE. 121
There are sounds in the air.
Not here or there,
Irresistible voices everywhere.
No bulwarks can ever rebut,
And to match the screams.
Tremendous gleams,
Of Horrors that like the Phantoms of dreams
They see with their eyelids shut !
For awful coveys of terrible things.
With forked tongues and venomous stings,
On hagweed, broomsticks, and leathern wings.
Are hovering round the Hut !
Shapes, that within the focus bright
Of the Forge, are like shadows and blots ;
But farther o£P, in the shades of night.
Clothed with their own phosphoric Ught,
Are seen in the darkest spots.
Sounds I that fill the air with noises,
Strange and indescribable voices.
From Hags, in a diabolical clatter —
Cats that spit curses, and apes that chatter
Scraps of cabalistical matter —
Owls that screech, and dogs that yell —
Skeleton hounds that will never be &tter —
All the domestic tribes of Hell,
Shrieking for flesh to tear and tatter,
VOL. I. G
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122 THE FORGE.
Bones to shatter.
And limbs to scatter,
And who it is that must furnish the latter
Those blue-looking Men know well !
Those blue-looking men that huddle together,
For all their sturdy limbs and thews,
Their unshorn locks, like Nazarene Jews,
And buffalo beards, and hides of leather.
Huddled all in a heap together,
Like timid lamb, and ewe, and wether.
And as females say.
In a similar way.
Fit for knocking down with a feather !
In and out, in and out.
The gathering Goblins hover about,
Ev'ry minute augmenting the rout ;
For like a spell
The unearthly smell
That fumes from the Furnace, chimney and mouth
Draws them in — an infernal Legion —
From East, and West, and North, and South,
Like carrion birds from ev'ry region.
Till not a yard square
Of the sickening air
But has a Demon or two for its share.
Breathing fury, woe, and despair.
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THE FORGE. 123
Never, never was such a sight !
It beats the very Walpurgis Night,
Display'd in the story of Doctor Faustus,
For the scene to describe,
Of the awful tribe.
If we were two Gdthe's would quite exhaust us !
Suffice it, amid that dreary swarm,
There musters each foul repulsive form
That ever a fancy overwarm
Begot in its worst delirium ;
Besides some others of monstrous size.
Never before revealed to eyes.
Of the genus Megatherium I
Meanwhile the demons, filthy and foul,
Gorgon, Chimera, Harpy, and Ghoul,
Are not contented to jibber and howl
As a dirge for their late commander ;
But one of the bevy — witch or vrizard,
Disguised as a monstrous flying lizard.
Springs on the grisly Salamander,
Who stoutly fights, and struggles, and kicks,
And tries the best of his wrestling tricks.
No paltry strife.
But for life, dear life,
c2
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124 THE FOBOE.
But the ruthless talons refuse to unfix.
Till far beyond a surgical case.
With starting eyes, and black in the &ce,
Down he tumbles as dead as bricks !
A pretty sight for his mates to view f
Those shaggy murderers looking so blue,
And for him above all.
Red-bearded and tall.
With whom, at that very particular nick.
There is such an unlucky crow to pick.
As the one of iron that did the trick
In a recent bloody afiair —
No wonder feeling a little sick.
With pulses beating uncommonly quick,
And breath he never found so thick.
He longs for the open air !
Three paces, or four.
And he gains the door;
But ere he accomplishes one.
The sound of a blow comes, heavy and dull,
And clasping his fingers round his skull.
However the deed was done.
That gave him that florid
Red gash on the forehead —
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THE FOBOE. 125
With a roll of the eyeballs perfectly horrid.
There's a tremulous quiver.
The last death-shiver.
And Red-Beard's course is run I
Halloo! Halloo I
They have done for two I
But a heavyish job remains to do !
For yonder, sledge and shovel in hand.
Like elder Sons of Giant Despair,
A couple of Cyclops make a stand.
And fiercely hammering here and there.
Keep at bay the Powers of Air —
But desperation is aU in vain ! —
They fiunt — they choke.
For the sulphurous smoke
Is poisoning heart, and lung, and brain.
They reel, they sink, they gasp, they smother,
One for a moment siurives his brother.
Then rolls a corpse across the other I
Hullool Hulloo!
And Hullabaloo !
There is only one more thing to do —
And seized by beak, and talon, and claw,
Bony hand, and hairy paw,
Yea, crooked horn, and tusky jaw.
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126 THE FORGE.
The four huge Bodies are haui'd and shoven
Each after each in the roaring oven !
That Eisen Hutte is standing stilly
Go to the Hartz whenever you will.
And there it is beside a hill.
And a rapid stream that turns many a mill ;
The self-same Forge, — ^you'll know it at sight —
Casting upward, day and night.
Flames of red, and yellow, and white !
Ay, half a mile from the mountain gorge.
There it is, the fiunous Foige,
With its Furnace, — the same thatblaz'd of yore, —
Hugely fed with fuel and ore ;
But ever since that tremendous Revel,
Whatever Iron is melted therein, —
As Travellers know who have been to Berlin —
Is all as black as the Devil t
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127
HOWQUA
Is of three different sorts ; although they are
not generally particularized by the tea^ealers or
brokers: viz.,
SoMEHOW-QUA, which includes Hyson, Sou-
chong, Bohea, &c., as well as the tea advertised
by Captain Pidding :
Anyhow-qua— composed of sloe, ash, willow,
second-hand tea-leaves, or any other vegetable
rubbish, and,
NoHOW-QUA, which falls to the lot of those who
cannot get any tea at alL
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128
THE DEFAULTER.
" AN OWRE TRUE TALE."
CHAPTER I.
Give him heedful note ;
For I mine eyes will rivet to his face ;
And after we will both our judgments join
In censure of his seeming.
Hamlbt.
" What is the matter with Mr. Pryme ?"
The speaker was a tall^ dark man, with grizzled
hair, black eyes, a long nose, a wide mouth, and
the commercial feature of a pen behind his right
ear. He had several times asked himself the same
question, but without any satis&ctory solution,
and now addressed it to a little, sandy-haired man,
who was standing with his back to the office fire.
Both were clerks in a government office, as well as
the party whose health or deportment was involved
in the inquiry.
** What is the matter with Mr. Pryme ?"
" Heaven knows," said the sandy Mr. Phipps, at
the same time lifting up his eyebrows towards the
organs of wonder, and shru^ing his shoulders.
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THE DEFAULTER. 129
" You have observed how nervous and fidgety
he is?"
" To be sure. Look at the fireplace ; he has
done nothing all the morning but put on coals and
rake them out again."
"Yes, I have been watching him and kept
count," interposed Mr. Trent, a junior official ;
"he has poked the fire nineteen times, besides
looking five times out of the window, and twice
taking down his hat and hanging it up again."
" I got him to change me a sovereign," said the
dark Mr. Grimble, " and he first gave me nine-
teen, and then twenty-one shillings for it But
look here at his entries," and he pointed to an
open ledger on the desk, "he has dipped pro-
miscuously into the black ink and the red I"
The three clerks took a look a-piece at the book,
and then a still longer look at each other. None
of them spoke : but each made a j&ce, one pursing
up his lips as if to blow an imaginary flageolet,
another firowning, as with a distracting headach,
and the third drawing down the comers of his
mouth, as if he had just taken, or was about to
take, physic
" What can it be?" said Mr. Phipps.
" Lef s ask him," suggested Mr. Trent
"Better not," said Grimble, "you know how
G 5
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130 THE DEFAULTER.
hot and touchy he is. I once ventured to cut a
joke on him, and he has never thoroughly foi>
given it to this day."
** What was it about ?" inquired the junior.
"Why he has been married above a dozen
years without having any children, and it was
the usual thing with us, when he came of a
morning, to ask after the little Prymes, — ^but the
joke caused so many rows and quarrels, that we
have given it up."
"Where is he?*' asked Mr. Phipps, with a
glance round the office.
" In the Secretary's private room. But hush !
here he comes."
The three clerks hastily retreated to their
several desks, and began writing with great ap-
parent diligence ; yet vigilantly watching every
movement of the nervous and fidgety Mr. Pryme,
who entered the rocmi with an uneven step, look-
ing rather flushed and excited, and vigorously
rubbing his bald head with his silk handkerchief.
Perhaps he noticed that he Was observed, for he
looked uneasily and suspiciously firom one clerk
to the other; but each tsLce preserved a demure
gravity, and the little, stout, bald, florid gentle-
man repaired to -his own place. The Morning
Postj damp and still unfolded, was lying on his
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 131
desk; he took it up, dried it at the fire, and
began to read — ^but the next minute he laid down
the paper, and seizing the poker made several
plunges at the coals, as often against the bars as
between them, till the metal rang again. Then
he resumed the Post — but quickly relinquished
it — quite unable to fix his attention on the type
— an incompetence perfectly astounding to the
other clerks, who considered readuig the news-
paper as a regular and important part of the
official duties.
"By Jove," whispered Mr. Phipps to Mr.
Grimble, whom he had approached under the
pretence of delivering a document, " he cannot
Post the news any more than his ledger."
Mr. Grimble acquiesced with a grave nod and
a grimace; and Mr. Phipps returning to his desk,
a silence ensued, so profound that the scratching
of the pens at work on the paper was distinctly
audible. The little bald cashier himself had
begun to write, and for some minutes was oc-
cupied so quietly that curiosity gave way to
business, and the three clerks were absorbed in
their calculations, when a sudden noise caused
them to look up. Mr. Pryme had jumped firom
his high stool, and was in the act of taking down
his hat firom its peg. He held it for a while in
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132 THE DEFAULTER.
his hand, as if in deep deliberation^ then suddenly
clapped it on his head, but as hastily took it off
again — ^thrust the Morning Post into the crown,
and restored the beaver to its place on the wall.
The next moment he encountered the eye of
Phipps — a suspicion that he was watched seemed
to come across him, and his uneasiness increased.
He immediately returned to his desk, and began
to turn over the leaves of an account-book — ^but
with unnatural haste, and it was evident that
although his eyes were fixed on the volume, his
thoughts were elsewhere, for by degrees he went
off into a reverie, only rousing now and then to
take huge pinches of snuff. At last, suddenly
waking up, he pulled out his watch — pored at it —
held it up to his ear — replaced it in his fob, and
with a glance at his hat, began drawing on his
gloves. Perhaps he would have gone off— -if
Mr. Grimble had not crossed over from his desk,
and placed an open book before him, with a re-
quest for his signature. The little bald, florid
man, without removing his glove, attempted to
write his name, but his hand trembled so that he
could hardly guide the pen. However, he tried
to carry off the matter as a joke — but his laugh
was forced, and his voice had the quavering
huskiness of internal agitation.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 133
"Ha! ha! — ^rather shaky — too much wine last
night— eh, Mr. Grimble ?"
The latter made no reply, but as he walked off
with the book under his arm, and his back
towards Mr. Pryme, he bestowed a deliberate
wink on each of his associates, and significantly
imitated with his own hand the aspen-like motion
he had just observed. The others responded with
a look of intelligence, and resumed their labours :
but the taU, dark man fell into a fit of profound
abstraction, during which he unconsciously scrib-
bled on his blotting-paper, in at least a score of
places, the word embezzlement.
CHAPTER II.
• " And do you really mean to say, Mr. Author,
that so respectable a bald man had actually appro-
priated the public money?"
Heaven forbid, madam. My health is &r too
infirm, and my modesty much too delicate to
allow me to undertake, offhand, the work of
twelve men; and who sometimes are not strong
enough, the whole team, to draw a correct in-
ference. As yet, Mr. Pryme only labours under
suspicion, and a very hard labour it is to be sen-
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184 THE DEFAULTER.
tenced to before conviction. But permit me to
ask, do you really associate baldness with respect-
ability ?
" Of course, sir. All bald men are respectable."
It is indeed a very general impression — so much
so, that were I a criminal, and anxious to prof$i-
tiate a Judge and Juiry at my trial, I would have
my head shaved beforehand as clean as a monk*s.
And yet it is a strange prepossession, that we
should connect guilt with a fell of hair, and inno-
cence with a bare sconce ! Why, madam, why
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THB DEFAULTER. 135
should we conceive a bald man to be less delin-
quent than another?
*^ I suppose^ sir, because he has less for a catch"
pole to lay hold of?"
Thank you, ma'am I The best reason I have
heard for a prejudice in all my life !
CHAPTER III.
The little bald, florid man, in the meantime,
continued his nervous and fidgety evolutions —
worrying the fire, trying on his hat and gloves,
snuffing vehemently, coughing huskily, and wink-
ing perpetually — ^now scurrying through folios —
then drumming what is called the Devil's tattoo
on his desk, and moreover, under pretence of
mending his pens, had slashed half-a-dozen of
them to pieces — when he received a firesh sum-
mons to the Secretary's room«^
The moment the door closed behind him, the
two clerks, Phipps and Trent, darted across to
Mr. Grimble, who silently exhibited to them the
shaky autograph of the agitated cashier. They
then adjourned to the fire, where a pause of pro-
found cogitation ensued : the Junior intensely
surveying his bright boots — Mr. Phipps indus-
triously nibbling the top of his pen — ^while Mr.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
136 " THE DEFAULTER*
Grimble kept assiduously breaking the bituminous
bubbles which exuded from the burning coals with
the point of the poken
"It is very extraordinary!" at last muttered
Mr. Phipps.
** Very," chimed in the Junior Clerk.
Mr. Grimble silently turned his back to the
fire, and fixed his gaze on the ceiling, with his
mouth firmly compressed, as if meaning to signify,
**that whatever he might think, he would say
nothing" — ^in case of anything happening to Mr.
Pryme, he was the next in point of seniority for
the vacant place, and delicacy forbade his being
the first to proclaim his suspicions.
"You don't think he is going off, do you?"
inquired Mr. Phipps.
Mr. Grimble turned his gaze intently on the
querist as though he would look him through —
hemm'd — but said nothing.
" I mean off his head."
" Oh — ^I thought you meant off to America."
It was now Mr. Phipps's turn to look intently
at Mr. Grimble, whose every feature he scruti-
nized with the studious interest of a Lavater.
" Why you surely don't mean to say "
« I do."
" What that he has ''
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 137
"Yes."
" Is it possible I'*
Mr. Grimble gave three distinct and deliberate
nods, in reply to which, Mr. Phipps whistled a
All this time the Junior had been eagerly lis-
tening to the mysterious conference, anxiously
looking from one speaker to the other, till the
hidden meaning suddenly revealed itself to his
mind, and with the usual indiscretion of youth he
immediately gave it utterance.
" Why then, Grimble, old Pryme will be tran-
sported, and you will walk into his shoes."
Mr. Grimble frowned severely, and laid one
forefinger on his lips, while with the other he
pointed to the door. But Mr. Pryme was still
distant in the Secretary's private room.
" Well, I should never have thought it!" ex-
claimed Mr. Phipps. " He was so regular in his
habits, and I should say very moderate in his
expenses. He was never given to dress (the
young clerk laughed at the idea), and certainly
never talked like a' gay man with the other sex
(the Jimior laughed again). I don't think he
gambled, or had any connexion with the turf?
To be sure he may have dabbled a little in the
Alley — or perhaps in the Discounting line." ^
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138 THE DEFAULTER.
To each of these interrogative speculations
Mr. Glrimble responded with a n^ative shake
of the head, or a doubtful shrug of the shoulders,
till the catalogue was exhausted, and then, with
his eyes cast upward, uttered an emphatic " God
knows!"
• "But have you any proof of it?" asked Mr.
Phipps.
" None whatever — not a particle. Only what I
may call a strong — ^a very strong presentiment."
And as if to illustrate its strength, Mr. Grimble
struck a blow with the poker that smashed a large
Staffordshire coal into shivers.
" Then there may be nothing wrong after all 1"
suggested the good-natured Mr. Phipps. " And
really Mr. Pryme has always seemed so respec-
table, so regular, and so correct in business ^
** So did Fauntleroy, and the rest of them f
muttered Mr. Grimble, **or they would never have
been trusted. However, it's a comfort to think
that he has no children, and that the capital pun-
ishment for such offences has been abolished."
" I can hardly believe it !*' ejaculated Mr.
Phipps.
" My dear fellow," said the young clerk, « there
is no mistake about it I was watching him when
the messenger came to fetch him to the secretary.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 189
and he started and shook as if he had expected a
policeman*'*
Mr. Phipps said no more, but retreated to his
place, and with his elbows on his desk, and his
head between his hands, began sorrowfully to
ruminate on the ruin and misery impending over
the imfortunate cashier. He could well appre-
ciate the nervous alarm and anxiety of the
wretched man, liable at any moment to detection,
with the consequent disgrace, and a punishment
scarcely preferable to death itself. His memory
reminded him that Mr. Pryme had done him
various services, while his imagination pictured
his benefiu;tor in the most distressing situations —
in the station-house — at Bow-6treet — ^in Newgate
— at the bar of the Old Baily — ^in a hulk — in a
convict-ship, with the common herd of the ruf-
fianly and the depraved — and finally toiling in
life-long labour in a distant land. And as he
dwelt on these dreadfiil and dreary scenes, the
kind-hearted Phipps himself became quite un-
hinged: his own nerves began to quiver, whilst
his muscles sympathizing with the mental excite-
ment, prompted him to such restless activity, that
he was soon almost as fidgety and perturbed as
the object of his commiseration.
Oh I that the guilty man, forewarned of danger
by some providential inspiration, might have left
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140 THE DEFAULTER.
the office never to return I But the hope was
futile : the door opened — the doomed Mr. Pryme
hastily entered — ^went to his own desk^ unbuttoned
his waistcoat, and clutching his bewildered bald
head with one fevered hand, began with the other
to turn over the leaves of a journal, without per-
ceiving that the book was upside down.
" Was there ever," thought Phipps, " such an
infatuation ! He has evidently cause for alarm,
and yet lingers about the &tal spot."
How he yearned to give him a hint that his
secret was known — ^to say to him, " Go ! — Fly !
ere it be too late ! Seek some other country
where you may live in freedom and repent '^
But, alas I the eyes of Grimble and Trent were
upon him, and above all the stem figure of inexo-
rable Duty rose up before him, and melting the
wax of Silence at the flaming sword of Justice,
imposed a seal upon his lips.
CHAPTER IV.
**Ghracious Goodness!" exclaims Female Sen-
sibility, ^^and will the dear fi:«8h-coloured bald
little gentleman be actually transported to Botany
Bay!"
My dear Miss — a little patience. A criminal
before such a consummation has to go through
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THE DEFAULTER. 141
more processes than a new pin. First, as Mrs.
Glasse says of her hare^ he has to be caught, then
examined, committed, and true-billed — arraigned,
convicted, and sentenced. Next, he must, per-
haps, be cropped, washed, and clothed — ^hulked
and shipped, and finally, if he does not die of sea-
sickness, or shipwreck, or get eaten by the natives,
he may toil out his natural term in Australia, as
a stone-breaker, a cattle-keeper, or a domestic
servant!
^^ Dear me, how dreadful ! And for a man^
perhaps, like Mr. Pryme, of genteel habits and
refined notions, accustomed to all the luxuries of
life, and every delicacy of the season. I should
really like to set on foot a little private subscrip-
tion, for providing him with the proper comforts
in prison and a becoming outfit for his voyage."
My dear young lady, I can appreciate your
motives and do honour to your feelings. But
before you go round with your book among re-
lations, acquaintance, and strangers, soliciting
pounds, shillings, and pence, firom people of broad,
middling, and narrow incomes, just do me the
favour to look into yonder garret, exposed to us
by the magic of the Devil on Two Sticks, and
consider that respectable young woman, engaged
at past midnight, by the light of a solitary rush-
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142 THE DEFAULTER.
light, in making shirts at three-halfpence a piece,
and shifts for nothing. Look at her hollow eyes,
her withered cheeks, and emaciated frame, for it
is a part of the infernal bargain that she is to lose
her own health and find her own needles and
thread. Reckon, if you can, the thousands of
weary stitches it will require to sew, not gussets
and seams, but body and soul together: and per-
haps, after all her hard sewing, having to sue a
shabby employer for the amount of her pitiftil
earnings. Estimate, if you may, the terrible wear
and tear of head and heart, of liver and lungs.
Appraise, on oath, the value of youth wasted,
spirits outworn, prospects blasted, natural affec-
tions withered in the bud, and all blissfiil hopes
annihilated except those beyond the grave
"What! by that horrid, red-faced, bald-pated,
undersized little monster !"
No Miss— but by a breach of trust on the part
of a banker4>f genteel habits and refined notions ;
accustomed to all the luxuries of life, and every
delicacy of the season.
" Oh, the abominable villain ! And did he ruin
himself as well as the poor lady ?"
Totally.
. " And was transported ?"
Quite.
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THE DEFAULTER. 143
"What, to Botany?"
No, Miss, To the loveliest part of Sussex,
where he is condemned to live in a commodious
Cottage Residence, with pleasure-ground and
kitchen-garden annexed — capital shooting and
fishing, and within reach of two packs of hounds !
** Shameful I Scandalous I — why it's no punish-
ment at alL"
No, Miss. And then to think of the hundreds
and thousands of emigrants — English, Scotch, and
Irish — who for no crime but poverty are com-
pelled to leave their native country — the homes
and hearths of their childhood — the graves of
their kindred — the land of their fathers, and to
settle — ^if settling it may be called — ^in the house-
less woods and wildernesses of a foreign clime.
" Oh, shocking ! shocking ! But if I was the
government the wicked firaudulent bankers and
trust-breakers should be sent abroad too. Why
shouldn't they be punished with passage-money
and grants of land as well as the poor innocent
emigrants, and be obliged to settle in foreign
parts?"
Ah ! why, indeed. Miss — except —
" Except what, sir ?"
Why, that Embezzlers and Swindlers, by all
accounts, are such very bad Settlers,
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144 THE DEFAULTER.
CHAPTER V.
But Mr. Pryme?—
That little bald^ florid, fidgety personage was
still sitting on his high stool at his desk, snufiSng,
coughing, winking, and pretending to examine a
topsyturvy account-book — sometimes, by way of
variation, hashing up a new pen, or drumming^
fresh march vnth his fingers —
Mr. Grimble was making some private calcula-
tions, which had reference to his future income-
tax, on a slip of office-paper —
Mr. Trent was dreaming over an imaginary
trial, in which he was a vntness, at the Old
Baily—
And Mr. Phipps was fi:«tting over the pre-
destined capture of the in&tuated Cashier — ^when
all at once there was a noise that startled the
clerkly trio firom their seats.
The nervous Mr. Pryme, by one of his in-
voluntary motions, had upset his leaden inkstand
— ^in trying to save the inkstand he knocked down
his ruler — ^in catching at the ruler he had let fall
the great journal — and in scrambling after the
journal he had overturned his high stool. The
clatter was prodigious, and acting on a natiure
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THE DEFAULTER. 145
already overwrought sufficed to discompose the
last atom of its equanimity.
For a moment the bewildered author of the
work stood and trembled as if shot — then snatch-
ing his hat, and clapping it "skow-wow any-
how" on his head, rushed desperately out of the
office.
"Thank God!" ejaculated Mr. Phipps, draw-
ing a long breath, like a swimmer after a dive.
" I say, Grimble," exclaimed the Junior Clerk
—"it's a true bill!"
But Mr. Grimble was already outside the door,
and running down the stone-stairs into the hall
seized on the first office-messenger that offered.
" Here — Warren I — quick ! — Run after Mr.
Pryme — don't let him out of your sight — ^but
watch where he goes to — ^and let me know."
CHAPTER VI.
Now according to the practice of the regular
drama, which professes to represent the greater
stage of the world, whenever a robber, murderer,
or traitor has escaped, it is a rule for the theatrical
policemen, constables, runners, guards, alguazils,
sbirri, or gendarmes, to assemble and agree to
VOL. I. H
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146 THE DEFAULTER.
act in concert — that is to say, by singing in choruei
that the villain has bolted, and musically exhort-
ing each other to ** follow, follow, fol-de-rol-de-
rol-OP without a moment's delay.
An arrangement perhaps conducive to dramatic
convenience and stage effect, but certainly quite
inconsistent with the usages of real life or the
dictates of common or uncommon sense.
Messrs. Grimble, Phipps, and Trent, however,
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 147
were not theatrical, so instead of joining in a trio
or a catch, they first held a consultation, and then
proceeded in a body to the Secretary, to whom
they described the singular behaviour of Mr.
Pryme.
"Very singular, indeed," said the Secretary.
** I observed it myself, and inquired if he was in
good health. No — ^yes — ^no. And Mrs. Pryme ?
Yes — ^no — ^yes. In short, he did not seem to
know what he was saying."
" Or doing," put in Mr. Trent " He threw a
shovel of coals into the iron safe."
"With other acts," added Mr. Grimble, "the
reverse of oflBciaL"
"Tell him at once," whispered Mr. Trent
"In short, sir," said Mr. Grimble, with a most
sepulchral tone, and the &ce of an undertaker, " I
am sorry, deeply sorry and concerned to say, that
Mr. Pryme has suddenly departed."
" Indeed I But he was just the sort of man to
doit"
The three clerks stared at each other, for they
had all thought exactly the reverse of the little,
bald, florid, ex-cashier.
" Short-necked, sanguine, and of a fiiU habit,
you know," continued the Secretary. "Poor
fellow I"
" I am sorry, deeply sorry and concerned to
h2
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148 THE DEFAULTER,
say," repeated Mr. Grimble, " that I mean he has
absconded."
"The devil he has!" exclaimed the Secretary,
at once jumping to his feet, and instinctively
buttoning up his pockets — ** but no^it's impos-
sible I " and he looked towards Trent and Phipps
for confirmation.
"It's a true bill, sir," said the first, "he has
bolted sure enough."
The other only shook his head.
"It's incredible!" said the Secretary. "Why,
he was as steady as a quaker, and as correct as
clock-work ! Mr. Grimble, have you inspected
his books?"
" I have, sir."
"Well, sir?"
"At present, sir, all appears correct But as
the accounts are kept in this office it is easier to
embezzle than to detect any defalcation."
" Humph ! I do not think we are worse in that
respect than other public offices ! Then, if 1 un-
derstand you, there is no distinct evidence of
fraud?"
" None whatever, sir," replied Mr. Phipps.
" Except his absconding," added Mr. Grimble.
" WeU, gendemen, we will wait till ten o'clock
to-morrow morning, and then if Mr. Pryme does
not make his appearance we shall know how to act."
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THE DEPAULTEIU U9
The three clerks made three bows and retired,
severally pleased, displeased, and indifiFerent at
the result of their audience.
"We may wait for him,** grumbled Mr. Grimble,
" till ten o'clock on doomsday."
At this moment the door re-opened, and the
Secretary put out his head.
** Gentlemen, I need not recommend you to
confine this matter, for the present, to your own
bosoms I"
But the caution was in vain. Warren, the mes-
senger, had given a hmt of the affair to a porter,
who had told it to another, and another, and
another, till the secret was as well buzzed and
blown as if it had been confided to a swarm gf
blue-bottles. In fiwt, the flight of Mr. Pryme was
known throughout the several offices, where, ac-
cording to English custom, the event became a
subject for betting, and a considerable sum was
laid out at 6 to 4, and afterwards at 7 to 2, against
the reappearance of the cashier.
CHAPTER VIL
"Well, Warren?"
"Well, Mr. Grimble, sir;"
The three clerks on returning to their office.
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150 THE DEFAULTER.
had found the messenger at the door, and took
him with them into the room.
" Well, I followed up Mr. Pryme, sir, and the
first thing he did were to hail a cab.'*
"And where did he drive to?"
" To nowheres at all— coz why, afore the cab
could pull round off the stand, away he goes —
that's Mr. Piyme — ^walking at the rate of five
miles an hour, more or less, so as not easy to be
kep up with, straight home to his own house,
number 9, where instid of double knocking at the
door, he ring'd to be let in at the hairy belL"
"Very odd !" remarked Mr. Grimble.
" Well, he staid in the house a goodish while —
as long as it might take him, like, to collect his
porterble property and vallybles — when all at once
out he comes, like a man with his head turned,
and his hat stuck on hind part afore, for you know
he*d wore it up at the back like a curricle one."
" A clerical one — go on."
" Why then, away he cuts down the street, as
hard as he can split without busting, and me arter
him, but being stifBsh with the rheumatiz, where-
by I soon found I was getting nowheres at all in
the race, and in consekence pulled up."
" And which way did he run?"
" Why then, he seemed to me to be a-making
for the bridge."
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THE DEFAULTER. 151
^^Ah, to get on board a steamer," said Mr*
Grimble.
" Or into the river," suggested Mr. Trent
Mr. Phipps groaned and wrung his hands.
"You're right, you are, Mr. Trent, sir," said
the Messenger with a determined nod and wink
at the junior clerk. "There was a gemman
throwed himself over last Friday, and they did
say it was becos he had made away with ten
thousand Long Annuitants."
"The poor, wretched, misguided creature !"
" Yes he did, Mr. Phipps, sir — right over the
senter harch. And what's wus, not leaving a rap
behind him except his widder and five small little
children, and the youngest on em's a suckin
babby."
"Thank God!" exclaimed Mr. Phipps, "that
Mr. Pryme is not a family man."
CHAPTER VIII.
Poor Mr. Phipps 1
As soon as the office was closed he walked
home to his lodgings in Westminster, but at a
slower pace than usual, and with a heavy heart,
for his mind was fiill of sorrow and misgiving at
the too probable fate of the unfortunate Defaulter.
The figure of Mr. Pryme followed him wherever
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152 TUB DEFAULTER.
he went : it seemed to glance over his shoulder in
the looking-glass ; and when he went to wash his
hands, the pale drowned face of the cashier shone
up through the water, instead of the pattern at the
bottom of the basin*
For the first time since his clerkship he could
not enjoy that fiivourite meal, his tea. The black
bitterness in his thoughts overpowered the flavour
of the green leaf — ^it turned the milk, and neutral-
ized the sugar on his palate. He took but one
bite out of his crumpet, and then resigned it to
the cat Supper was out of the question. His
mental agitation, acting on the nerves of the sto-
mach, had brought on a sick headach, which
indisposed him to any kind of food. In the
meanwhile for the first strange time he became
intensely sensible that he was a bachelor, and
uncomfortably conscious of his loneliness in the
world. The company of a second person, another
face, only to look at, would have been an infinite
relief to him — by diverting his attention firom the
one dreadfiil thought and the one horrible image
that, do what he would, kept rising up before him
— sometimes like a shadow on the wall, sometimes
like a miniature figure amid the intricate vains of
the marble mantelpiece — and anon in the chiaro-
oscuro of the fire. To get rid of these haunting
illusions, he caught up a book which happened to
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THE DEFAULTER. 153
be the second volume of "Lamb's Letters," and
stumbled on the following ominous passage :
• " Who that standeth, knotveth but lie may yet fall ?
Your handsy as yety I am most toiUing to believe^ have
never deviated into other^s property. You think it
impossible that you could ever commit so heinous an
offence; but so thought Fuuntleroy once; so have
tliought many besides him^ who at last liave expiated
as lie hath done.**
The words read like a &tal prophecy ! He
dropt the book in horror, and falling on his knees,
with tearfiil eyes and uplifted hands, besought
Providence, if it saw fit, to afflict him with the
utmost miseries of sickness and poverty, but to
save him — even by stroke of sudden death to save
him — firom ever becoming a Defaulter !
This devotional act restored him in some degree
to tranquility; but with night and sleep all his
horrors returned. The face of Mr. Pryme, no
longer florid but pale as a plaster-cast, was con-
tinually confi-onting him, now staring at him
through transparent waters, and now between
massive iron bars. Then the dismal portrait
would abrii|)tly change to a full-length, which was
as suddenly surrounded by a cluster of children,
boys and girls of different ages, including one or
two in&nts, — a family he understood, by the
intuition of dreams, to be illegitimate, and that
H 5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
154 THE DEFAULTER.
they were solemnly consigned by the Suicide to
his care and maintenance. Anon the white figure
vanished, and a black one appeared in its place^ a
female, with the very outline^ as if cut in paper,
of the widowed Mrs. Pryme, and whom by some
mysterious but imperative obligation he felt that
he must espouse. The next moment this phan-
tom was swept away by a mighty rush of black
waters, like those in Martin's grand picture of the
Deluge, and on or beneath the dark flood again
floated the pale eflSgy of the Suicide entire and
apparently strugglii^ for dear life, and sometimes
shattered he knew not how, and drifting about in
passive firagments. Then came a firesh rush of
black waters, gradually shaping itself into an im-
mense whirlpool, with the white corpse-like figure,
but magnified to a colossal size, rapidly whirling
in the centre of the vortex, whilst obscure forms,
black and white, of children, females, savages, and
alas ! not a few gigantic Demon shapes, revolved
more slowly around it
In short, the poor fellow never passed so
wretched a night since he was bom !
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THE DEFAULTER. 155
CHAPTER IX.
" And did Mr. Pryme really drown himself?"
My dear Felicia, if Female Curiosity had
always access, as you have, to an author's sanc-
torum,— ^if she could stand or sit, as you can, at
his elbow whilst composing his romances of real
or unreal life, — if she might ask, as you do, at the
beginning or in the middle of the plot, what is to
be its denouement —
"Well, sir, what then?"
Why, then, Messieurs Colbum, Saunders and
Otley, Bentley, Churton, and Newby — not forget-
ting A. EL Newman — might retire for good to their
country boxes at Ponder's End, Leatherhead, and
Balham Hill, for there would be no more novels
in three volumes. Nay, the authors themselves,
serious and comic, both or neither, might retreat
for ever into the Literary Almshouses, if there
are any such places — for there would be no
more articles of sixteen pages — ^and " to be con-
tinued"— in the magazines. All would be over
with us, as with the Bourbons, could Female
Curiosity thus foresee, as Talleyrand said, "Le
conmiencement de la fin !" ,
" Well, but — ^if your story as you say is * an
owre true tale,' then Mr. Pryme must have been a
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156 THE DEFAULTEH.
real man — an actual living human being— and it
is positive cruelty to keep one in suspense about
his fete !"
Dearest! — ^the tale is undoubtedly true, and
there was such a personage as Mr. Pryme —
" Was I Why then he did embezzle the
money, and he did throw himself off Westminster
Bridge? But had he really an illegitimate
femily? And did Mr. Phipps actually marry
the widow according to his dream ?**
Patience ! — and you shall hear.
CHAPTER X.
The morrow came, and the Hour — ^but not the
Man.
Messrs. Grimble, Phipps, and Trent were as-
sembled round the oflSce-fire — poor Phipps look-
ing as white as a sheet, for ten o'clock had struck,
and there was no Mr. Pryme.
At five minutes past ten the Secretary came in
from his own room with his golden repeater in
his hand — ^he looked anxiously round the oflBce,
And then in tiuii at each of the three clerks. Mr.
Phipps sighed, Mr. Trent shook his head, and
Mr. Ghrimble shrugged up his shoulders.
"Not here yet?"
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE DEFAULTER. 157
" Nor won't be," muttered Mr. Grimble.
" What odds will you lay about it?" whispered
the giddy Mr. Trent.
" The office-clock is rather fiwt," stammered out
Mr. Phipps.
** No — ^it is exact by my time," said the Secre-
tary, and he held out his watch for inspection.
" He was always punctual to a minute," observed
Mr. Grimble.
** Always. I fear, gentlemen, we must apply
for a war ^
The Secretary paused, for he heard the sound
of a foot at the door, which hastily opened, and in
walked Mr. Pryme 1 1 1
An apparition could scarcely have caused a
greater trepidation. The Secretary hurriedly
thrust his repeater into his breeches-pocket Mr.
Grimble retreated to his own desk — Mr. Phipps
stood stock-still, with his eyes and mouth wide
open — while Mr. Trent, though he was a loser on
the event, burst into a loud laugh.
"I am afraid, gentlemen," said Mr. Pryme,
looking very foolish and stammering, ^^ I am afraid
that my — my — ^my ridiculous behaviour yesterday
has caused you some — some — uneasiness— on my
account"
No answer.
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158 THE DEFAULTER.
*^ The truth is — I was excessively anxious and
nervous — and agitated — ^very agitated indeed l^
« Very," from Mr. Trent
The little florid man coloured up till his round,
shiny, bald head was as scarlet as a love-apple.
^^ The truth is — after so many disappointments
— ^I did not like to mention die thing — the affair
— till it was quite certain — till it was all over — ^for
fear — for fear of being quizzed. The truth is —
the truth is ^"
** Take time, Mr. Pryme," said the Secretary.
"Why, then, sir — the* truth is— after fifteen
years — I'm a Father — a happy Father, sir — ^a fine
chopping boy, gentlemen — and Mrs. P. is as
charming — that's to say, as well — as can be
expected I**
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159
SONNET.
The world is with me, and its many cares,
Its woes — ^its wants — the anxious hopes and fears
That wait on all terrestrial afiairs —
The shades of former and of future years —
Foreboding &ncies, and prophetic tears,
Quelling a spirit that was once elate —
Heavens! what a wilderness the earth appears.
Where Youth, and Mirth, and Health are out of date I
But no — a laugh of innocence and joy
Resounds, like music of the fairy race.
And gladly turning from the world's annoy
I gaze upon a Uttle radiant face.
And bless, internally, the merry boy
Who ^* makes a san-'shine in a shady place."
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160
AN EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION.
We'll find a way to remove all that — M.D.
On the 26th of December, 184*2, according to
the official record, a tipsy sailor, by name Peter
Galpin, in tacking along the Mile End Road,
slipped his foot on a piece of orange-peel, and fell
with great violence on the pavement He was
inmiediately picked up by the passengers, and
being unable to walk or stand, was carried on a
stretcher, by two policemen, to the London
Hospital, where, on examination, it appeared that
he had broken one of the small bones of his right
leg.
The fracture was immediately reduced ; and as
the patient was not habitually a drunkard, but
had only been casually overtaken, the case went
on very favourably, and promised a speedy cure.
In the meanwhile the poor fellow, accustomed to
an active life, would have found the time pass
very tediously in bed— especially as he could not
read — ^but for the daily bustle and business in the
ward,— the departures of the cured or the incu-
rable, by discharge or death — and the arrivals of
fi^sh sufferers — the visits of the surgeons and
medical students, and the operations of the hos-
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AN EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION. 161
pital dressers and nurses, in the most trivial of
which he took a deep interest Averse to doctors
and doctoring, seamen in general are as ignorant
as sea-horses of the usages and practices of the
sick-room, so that whatever was done of the kind,
even to the application of a poultice, was novel,
and consequently attractive to our tar.
Every proceeding, therefore, was carefully
watched and logged in his memory — ^rare mate-
rials for futuie yams, when he should be able to
rejoin his ship, the Grampus, of Liverpool
Strange, indeed, were the things he had seen
done in that hospital, and more extraordinary still
were the things which he thought that he had seen
performed — amounting in his opinion to surgical
miracles I
At last, one day arousing from a nap, and sit-
ting up as usual to take an observation, he espied
in the next bed a fistt man with a particularly big
red nose, large staring black eyes, and an uncom-
monly wide mouth — in fact, very like somebody
he had seen dancing during the carnival in the
streets of an Italian port This corpulent bottle-
nosed man was propped up in bed, with his back
bared, whilst a dresser was applying an ointment
to a very large, very red, and very raw and sore-
looking place between his shoulders.
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162 AN EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION.
" My eyes !" exclaimed the sailor, letting him-
self drop backward on his pillow, quite overcome
with wonder — " Thenfs been a hopperation !"
"What do you mean?*' asked the dresser,
''What!" ejaculated the astounded seaman,
with his eyes cast upwards, and almost protruding
from his head —
"Well, what?"
** Whyy his Punchy isiCt he f arid thejfve cuJt his
hump off/! r
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16S
THE EARTH-QUAKERS.
Now*8 the time and now*8 the houi !
To be worried, toss'd, and shaken,
Down — down— down, derry down —
Let us take to the road !
Amanda, let us quit the town —
Together let us range the fields —
Over the hills and far away,
Life let us cherish.
Old Ballads.
The Eartb-quakers are by no means a new
Sect They have appeared at various times in
Ejigland, and particularly in 1750, when they
were so numerous that, according to Horace
Walpole, *^ within three days, seven hundred and
thirty coaches were counted passing Hyde-park-
comer with whole parties removing into the
country!'^ The same pleasant writer has pre-
served several anecdotes of the persuasion, and
especially records that the female members, to
guard against even a shock to their constitutions,
made ^^earthquake gowns" of a warm stuff, to
sit up in at night, in the open air I Nor was the
alarm altogether unfounded, for the earth, he
says, actually shook twice at regular intervals, so
that fearing the terrestrial ague fit would become
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164 THE EARTH-QUAKERS.
periodical, the noble wit proposed to treat it by a
course of bark. However, there were some slight
vibrations of the soil, and supposing them only to
have thrown down a platter from the shelf to the
floor, the Earth-quakers of 1750 have an infinite
advantage over those of 1842, when nothing has
fallen to the ground but a fiddle-de-Dee prediction.
Still, if the metropolis has not exhibited any
extraordinary physical convulsion, its inhabitants
have presented an astounding Moral Phenomenon*
Messrs. Howell and James best know whether
they have vended or been asked for peculiarly
warm fistbrics — the court milliner alone can tell if
she has made up any new-&shioned robes de nuit^
d la bivouacy or coiffures adapted to a nocturnal
fite cfiampitre. The coaches, public and private,
which have passed Hyde -Park-Comer have not
perhaps been counted, but it is notorious that
the railway carriages have been crammed with
passengers, and the Gravesend steamers were
almost swamped by the influx of rabid Earth-
quakers, all rushing, satwe qui peiUl firom the most
ridiculous bugbear ever licked into shape by the
vulgar tongue. Nor yet was the ** Movement
Party ^ composed exclusively of the lower classes ;
but comprised hundreds of respectable Londoners,
who never halted till they had gone beyond the
Lord Mayor's jurisdiction, a flight unworthy even
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 165
of Cockneyism, which implies at least a devoted
attachment to London^ and an unshaken con-
fidence in the stability of St. Paul's.
The Irish indeed, the poor blundering, bull-
making Irish, had some excuse for their panic.
The prophecy came from a prophet of their own
religion, and appealed to some of their strongest
prejudices. They had perhaps even felt some
precursory agitation not perceptible to us English
— ^whilst the rebuilding of the ruined city pro-
mised a famous job for the Hibernian bricklayers
and hodmen. Nay, after all, they only exhibited
a truly national aptitude to become April fools in
March. But for British backbone Protestants,
who have shouted " No Popery," and burnt Guy
Fauxes, to adopt a Roman Catholic legend — for
free and independent householders who would
not move on for a live policeman, to move off,
bag and baggage, at the dictum of a very dead
monk — who can doubt, after such a spectacle,
that a Nincom Tax would be very productive I
As a subject for a comic picture, there could
be no richer scene for a modem Hogarth than
the return of a party of Earth-quakers to the me-
tropolis— that very metropolis which was to have
been knocked down, as Robins would say, in one
lot — that devoted City which CreduUty had lately
painted as lying prostrate on its Corporation !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
166 THE EARTH-QUAKBRS.
In the meantime, good luck enables me to illus-
trate the great earthquake of 1842 by a few letters
obtained, no matter how, or at what expense* It
is to be r^retted that type can give no imitation
of the handwritings; suffice it that one of the
notes has actually been booked by a well-known
collector, as a genuine autograph of St Vitus.
NO. I.
TO PETER CRISP, ESQ.
Ivy Cottage, Sevenoaks.
Dear Brother, — You are of course aware of
the awful visitation with which we are threatened.
As to F. and myself, business and duties will
forbid our leaving London, but Robert and James
will be home for the usual fortnight at Easter, and
we are naturally anxious to have the dear boys
out of the way. Perhaps you will make room
for them at the cottage ? — ^I am, dear Brother,
Yours affectionately,
Margaret Faddt.
THE ANSWER.
Dear Sister, — As regards the awfiil visitation,
the last time the dear boys were at the Cottage
they literally turned it topsy-turvy.
As such, would rather say — ^keep Robert and
James in town, and send me down the Earthquake.
Your lovii^ brother,
Peter Crisp.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 167
NO. U.
TO MESSRS. H. 8TALEY AND CO.
Camomile-Street, City.
Gentlemen, — As a retired tradesman of Lon-
don to rural life, but unremittingly devoted to the
metropolis and its public buildings, am deeply
solicitous to learn, on good mercantile authority,
if the alarming statements as to a ruinous depres-
sion in the Custom-house, St. Paul's, and other
fabrics, stands on the undeniable basis of tact
An early answer will oblige.
Your very obedient servant,
John Siokes.
Postscriptum. — My barber tells me the Monu-
ment has been done at Lloyd's.
THE ANSWER.
Sir, — In reply to your fitvour of the 14th inst.,
I beg to subjoin for your guidance the following
quotations from a supplement to this day's ^^ Price
Current :"
"March 16. — ^In Earthquakes— nothing stir-
ring. Strong Caracca shocks partially inquired
for, but no arrivals. Lisbons ditto. A small lot
of slight Chichesters in bond have been brought
forward, but obtained no offers. Houses continue
firm, and the holders are not inclined to part with
Digitized by VjOOQIC
168 THE EARTH-QUAKERS.
them. In Columns and Obelisks no alteration.
Cathedrals as before. Steeples keep up, and
articles generally not so flat as anticipated by the
speculators for a fall" — ^I am, sir, for Staley and
Co., your most obedient servant,
Charles Stuckey.
MO. lU.
TO DOCTOR DODGE F. A. 8. LONDON.
Dear Doctor, — As you are an Antiquarian,
and as such well acquainted, of course, with
Ancient MSS. and Monkish Chronicles, perhaps
you will be so obliging as to give me your opinion
of the Earthquake predicted by Dr. Dee and the
Monk of Dree, and whether it is mentioned in
Doomsday Book, or Icon Basilisk, or any of the
old astrological works. — Yours, dear Doctor,
Anastasia Shrewsbury.
THE ANSWER.
Dear Madam, — I have no recollection of such '
a Prediction in any of the books you mention ;
but I will make a point of looking into the old
chronicles. In the meantime it strikes me, that if
any one should have foretold an Earthquake it was
Ingulphus. — ^I am, dear Madam, your very humble
Servant,
T. Dodge.
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THE KAaTH-QUAKERS. 169
JAME8 HOCKIN.
NO. IV.
TO MB. BENJAMIN HOCKIN.
Barbican.
Dear Ben, — About this here hearthquack.
Acording to advice I rit to Addams who have
bean to forin Parts, and partickly sow Amerikey,
witch is a shockin country, and as to wat is dun
VOL. I. J
Digitized by VjOOQIC
170 THE EARTH-QUAKERS.
by the Natives in the like case, and he say they
all run out of their Howses, and fall down on
their nees and beat their brests like mad, and
cross theirselves and call out to the Virgin, and
all the popish Saints. Witch in course with us
Christians is out of the question, so there we are
agin at a non plush— and our minds perfecly mis-
rable for want of making up. One minit it's go
and the next minit stay, till betwixt town and
country, I allmost wish I was no wheres at alL
But how is minds to be made up wen if you ax
opinions, theres six of one and half a duzzen of
the tother — for I make a *pint of xtracting my
customers sentiments pro and con, and its as ni a
ti as can be. One books the thing to cum off as
shure as the Darby or Hoax, while annother sus-
pends it till the Day of Jugment. And then he's
upset by a new cummur in with the news that
half St. Giles is cast down, and the inhabbitants
all Irish howling, quite dredful, and belabbering
their own buzzums and crossing themselves all
over as if it saved the Good Friday buns from
bein swallered up. So there we are agin. All
dubbious. As for Pawley he wont have it at
anny price but says its clear agin Geolol<^ and
the Wolcanic stratuses; witch may sarve well
enuff to chaff about at Mekanical Innstitushuns
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 171
but he wont gammon me that theres anny sich
remmedy for a Hearth Quack as a basun of chork
— no nor a basun of gruel nayther. Well wat
next Why Podmore swares wen he past the
Duck of York he see his hiness anoddin at the
Athenium Club as if he ment to drop in pervided
he didnt pitch in to the Unitid Sends. So there
we are agin. For my own share I own to sum
mi^vins and croakins, and says you, not without
caws wen six fammilis in our street has gone off
alreddy and three more packin up in case. Be-
sides witch Radley the Bilder have nocked off
wurk at his new Howsis for fear of their gettin
floored and missis Sims have declined her barril
of tabel beer till arter the shakin. Wen things
cum to sich aspects they look serus. But supose
in the end as Gubbins says its all a errer of that
Dr. Dee— wat a set of Dee'd spooneys we shall
look« So there we are agin. Then theres Books.
It appear on reading the great Lisbon catstrophy
were attendid by an uncommon rush of the See
on the dry Land and they do say from Brighton
as how the Breakers have reached as far as Wig-
ne/s BanL That's in faver agin of the world
losing its ballance. Howsomever I have twice
had the shutters up, and wonce got as iur as the
hos in the Shay cart for a move off, but was stopt
I 2
Digitized by VjOOQIC
172 THE EARTH-QUAKEB8.
by the Maid and the Prentis both axin a hole
holliday for the sixtenth and in sich a stile as con-
vinced if I didnt grant they wood take french
leaves. And then who is to mind the house and
Shop not to name two bills as cum doo on the
verry day and made payable on the premmises.
Whereby if I dont go to smash in boddy I must
in bisness. So there we are agin. In the inte-
rium theres my Wife who keeps wibratin betWeen
hopes and fears like the pendulum of a Dutch
Clock and no more able to cum to a conclusion.
But she inclines most to faver the dark side of
the Picter and compares our state of Purgatory,
to Dam somebody with a sword hanging over his
head by a single hair. As a nateral consekens
she cant eat her wittals and hears rumblins and
has sich tremlins she dont know the hearth's agi-
tatings jfrom her own. Being squeemish besides,
as is reckoned by her a verry bad sign, becos why
theres a hearthquack in Robbinson Cruso who
describe the motion to have made his Stomich
as sick as anny one as is tost at See. Well in
course her flutters agrivates mine till between our
selves Pm reddy to bolt out of house and home
like a Rabbit and go and squat in the open Fields.
And wats to end all thb suspense. Maybe a false
alarm — and maybe hall to hattums indoors or else
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-aUAKERS* 173
runnin out into a gapin naberhood and swallerd
up in a crack. Whereby its my privit opinion we
shall end by removing in time like the Rats from
a fidlin house even if we have to make shift with
a bed in the garden, but witch is prefferable to an
everlasdn sleep in the great shake down that nater
is preparing. Thats to say if the profesy keeps
its word — ^for if it^dont we are better in our own
beds then fleaing elsewhere. And praps ketch
our deths besides. Witch reminds me our Medi-
cal Doctor wont hear of hearthquackery and says
theres no simtoms of erupshun. So there we are
agin. But St Pauls, and all Saint Giles's is per
contra. And to be sure as Pat Hourigan says of
the Irish, ant we sevin fifths of us hod carriers and
bricklairs, and do you think as we'd leave the
same, if we didn't expect more brick and bilding
matends then we can carry on our beds and shol-
ders. Witch sartinly wood strongly argy to the
pint, if so be their being Roman Cathliks didn't
religusly bind one watever they beleave, to beleave
quite the reverse. And talking of religion, if one
listened to it like a Christian, instid of dispondin
it wood praps say trust in Providence and shore
up the premisis. And witch may be the piusest
and cheapest plan arter all. But bisness in-
terrups
Digitized by VjOOQIC
174 THE EARTH-QUAKEB8.
Its the Gibbenses maid for an Ahl Ive pumpt
out on her that the &mmily is goin to Windser
for Change of air. And Widder Stradlin is goin
to Richmond for change of Scene. Yes as much
as I am goin to the Lands end for change of a
shilling. And now I think on it there were a
suspishus mark this morning on the Public House
paper, namely Edgingtons adverdsment about
Tents. So arter all the open Air course of con-
duct— ^but annother cum in —
Poor Mrs. Hobson, in the same perplext state
as myself To be sure as she say a slite shock
as wouldnt chip a brass or iron man would shatter
a chaney woman all to smash. But wats the use
of her cummin to me to be advised wen I camt
advize myself ? Howsomever a word or two
from your Ben wood go fur to convict me — Only
beggin you to considder that Self Presevashun is
the fiist law of Nater, and the more binding as its
a law a man is allowd to take into his own hands.
As the crisus aproach, a speedy answer will
releave the mind of
Yomr loving Brother,
James Hockin.
P.S. — Since riting the abuv the Reverend
Mister Grumpier, as my wife sits under, have
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 175
THE BEV. MB. CBUMPLBB.
dropt in and confirmed the wust He say its a
Judgment on the Citty and by way of Col^ber-
robberation has named several partis in our naber-
hood as is to be ingulped. That settles us^ and
in course will excuse cuttin short
Digitized by VjOOQIC
176 THE EARTH-QUAKERS.
NO. V.
TO MRS. * ♦ * *
No. 9, Street.
MADAM5 — It may seem stooping to take up a
dropped correspondence, but considering that an
Elarthquake ought to bury all animosities, and
enjoying the prospect of an eternal separation.
Christian charity induces to say I am agreeable
on my part for the breach between us to be re-
paired by a shaking of hands.
I am. Madam,
Yours, &c.,
Belinda Huffin.
THP. ANSWER.
Madam, — I trust I have as much Christian
charity as my neighbours— praps more — ^and hope
I have too much true religion to believe in judi-
cious astronomy. And if I did, have never heard
that earthquakes was remarkable for repairing
breaches.
When every thing else shakes, I will shake
hands, but not before.
I am. Madam,
Yours, &c.,
Matilda Perks.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 177
NO. VI.
FOB BEBECCA SLACK.
2, Fisher's Plaice, Knightsbridge.
Dear Becky, — If so be when you cum to
Number 9, on Sunday and Me not there don't
be terrifide. Its not suicide and the Surpintine
but the Erthquake. John is the 3ame as ever
but Ive allmost giv meself Wamin without the
Munths notis. Last nite there cum a ring at the
Bel, a regular chevy and Noboddy there. Cook
sed a runaway Lark but I no better. And John
says Medicle Studints but I say shoz. How-
sumaver if the bel ring agen of its own Hed I'm
off quake or no quake to my muther at Srews-
berry Srops. One may trust to drunken yung
gentilmen too long and misstake a rumbel at the
Anti Pods for skrewin off the nocker. No, no.
So as I sed afore another ring will be a hint to
fly tho one thing is ockard, namely the.crisus fixt
for the 16 and my quarter not up til the 20. But
wats wagis ? Their no object wen yure an Objec
yurself for the Ospittle. To be shure Missus
may complain of a Non Plush but wat of that
Self preservin is the law of Nater and is wat dis-
tinguishes resoning Beings fix)m Damsuns and
Bullises.
I 5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
178 THE EARTH-QUAKEB8.
Mister Butler is of my own fiiteful way of
thinkin and quite retchid about the shakin up of
his port wine for he allways calls it hisn and
dredfiil low his Hart being in his celler. But
Cook choose to set her Pace agin the finomunon.
Dont tell me says she of the earth quakin — ^its
crust isnt made so lite and shiwery. So weve
cum to Wurds on the subjec and even been warm
but its impossible to talk with sang fraw of wat
freeses ones Bind. But wat can one expec as
Mister Butler says but Convulshuns of Nater
wen we go boring into the Erths bowib witch as
all the wurld nose is chock Ml of Cumbustibuls
as ketching as Congtevs and Lucefirs. We mite
have tuck wamin by the Frentch he says witch
driv irun pipes and toobs down and drew them up
agin all twisted by the stratums into Cork skrews
with the Ends red hot or meltid off. So much
for pryin into the innfiunel reguns.
As you may supose I am meloncolly enuf at sich
a prospict But if a Erth Quake isnt to cast one
down wat is ? I never go to my Filler but I pray
to sleep without rockin or having the roof come
down atop of me like a sparrer in a brick Trap.
And then sich horribel Dreams ! Ony last nite
I dremt the hole supperstructer was on my chest
and stomack but luckly it were ony the Nite Mare
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 179
and cold Pork. And in the day time its notbin
but takin in visitters cards with Poor Prender
Congy witch you know means Frentch leave and
not a bit too erly if correct that Saint Pauls have
sunk down to its Doom. To be shture I over
heerd Master say that even Saint Faith don't
beleave in it But she is no rule for Me. Why
shudn't we be overwelmd as Mister Butler says as
well as the Herculeans and Pompey ? Pm shure
we deserve it for our sins and piccadillies*
Well time will show. But its our duly all the
same to look arter our savings. John thinks
Mister Green have the best chance by assenting
on the day in his Voxall baloon but gud gratioas
as Mister Butler says supose the wurld was to
anniliate itself wile he was up in the Air. One
had better trust to the most aggitatid Terry
Firmer. Wat sort of soil is most propperest for
the purpus has been debatted amung us a good
deaL One thinks mountin tops is safest and
anuther considders we ort all to be in a Mash.
Lord nose. The Baker says his Master has
inshured his-self agin the erth quake and got the
Globe to kiver him.
Theres Missus bel so adew in haste.
Mart Sawkins.
Poscrip. — Wile I was up in the drawin room
Digitized by VjOOQIC
180 THE EARTH-QUAKBBS.
master talkt very misterus about St Pauls. Its
all a report says he from one of the Mmer
Camions*
NO. vn.
TO SIR W. FLIMSY, BART., AND CO.
Lombard-Street, City.
Gentlebien, — I beg respectfully to inform you
that placmg implicit confidence in the calamity
which will come due on the 16th instant, I have felt
it my duty to remove myself and the cash balance
to a place of security. It is my full intention
however, to return to my post after the Earth-
quake ; and, I trust, instead of condemning, you
will thank me for preserving your property, when
I come back and restore it
I am. Gentlemen,
Your very fiuthfiil and obedient.
Servant and cashier,
Sahuel Boulter.
NO. vni.
TO BtR. BENJAMIN HOCKIN.
(Vide No. it.)
Dear Benjamin, — In my last I broke short
through sitting off — and now have to inform of
our safe Return and the Premisis all sound. The
Digitized by VjOOQIC
\
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 181
wus luck to have let Meself be Shay carted off on
a April FooPs arrand^ as bad as piggins milk. For
wat remanes in futer but to become a laffing stock
to our nabers and being ninny-hammered at like
nails. As for the parler at the Crown that's shut
agin me for ever, for them quizzical fellers as
frequents could rost a Ox whole in the way of
banterin. So were Fm to spend my evenins ex-
cept with my wife Lord nose. There misery in
prospect at once.
Has for servin in the shop I couldnt feel more
sheapish and sham&ced if I had bean foimd out
in short wait and adultering. Its no odds my
customers houlding their Tungs about it — the
more they don't say the more I know wat they
mean, and witch as silent contempt is wus than
even a littel blaggard ciunming as he did just now,
and axing for a smaD hapenny shock. Not that
I mind Sarce so much as make beleave pitty.
Its the wimmin with their confoundid simperthisin
as agrivates sich as hoping no cold was cotchd
from the nite dues and lammenting our trouble
and expense for nothink. With all respect to the
sex if it pleas God to let one see them now and
then with their jaws tide up for the Tung Ake as
well as the Tooth Ake wood be no harm. There's
that Missis Mummery wood comfort a man into
a brain Fever. And indeed well ni soothd me
Digitized by VjOOQIC"
182 TH£ EARTH-QUAKEBS.
into a fury wat with condoling on our bamboozil-
ment and her sham abram concern for our un-
lucky step. She cum for Pickeb and its lucky
for both there was no Pison handy. But I ort to
take an assiduous draft meself for swallering such
stuff. As praps I shall if I dont fly to hard drink-
ing insted. Becos why, I know IVe sunk meself
in public opinnion and indeed feel as if all
Lonnon was takin a sight at me. Many a man
have took his razer and cut his stick for less.
Has for my wife her fiist move on cumming
Home was up stares and into Bed where she
remained quite inconsoluble, being more hurt in
her Mind she say then if she had had a 1^ broke
by the Herth quake. And witch I realy think
could not more have upset her. Howsumever
there she lays almost off her Hed and fix)m wat
I know of her cute feelings and temper is likely
to never be happy agin nor to let anny one else.
There's a luck out — and no children of our own
to vent on.
In course its more nor I dares to tell her of the
nonimus Letter like a Walentine with a picter of
a Cock and Bui, and that's only a four runner.
Well, its our hone falts, if thats anny comfort
which it ant, but all the hevier, like sum loves and
tee cakes, for bein home made.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 183
The sum totle on it is Ime upset for Life. I
hamt got Brass enuf to remane in Bisness nor
yet made Tin enuf to retire out on it Otherwis
Ide take a Wilier in Stanter and keap dux. My
ony cumfit is I amt a citty Maggystrut and obleegd
to sit in Gild all arter bein throwd into sich a
botomless panikin. How his Washup Mister
Bowlbee can sit in Publick I dont know for he
was one of the verry fiist to cut away. Ketch me
says he astayin in Crippelgit I know it's my
ward but it won't ward off a shock.
So much for Hearth Quacks. The end will
be I shall turn to a Universal Septic and then I
supose watever I dont beleave will come to pass.
Indeed I am almost of the same mind alreddy
with Dadley the Baker. Dont trust nothing,
says he, till it happen, And not even then if it
don't suit to give credit
Dear Ben, pray rite if you can say anny thing
consoling under an ounce — ^for witch a Stamp
inclosed.
Your luving Bruther,
James Hockin.
P.S. — The Reverind Mister Grumpier have
just bean, and explained to Me the odds betwixt
Old and New stiles, whereby the real Day for the
Hearth Quack is still to cum, namely Monday
the 28th Instant So there we are agin !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
284
THE FLOWER.
Alone^ across a foreign plain,
The Exile slowly wanders.
And on his Isle beyond the main
With sadden'd spirit ponders :
This lovely Isle beyond the sea,
With all its household treasiu^s ;
Its cottage homes, its merry birds.
And all its rural pleasures :
Its leafy woods, its shady vales.
Its moors, and purple heather ;
Its verdant fields bedecked with stars
His childhood loved to gather:
When lo ! he starts, with glad surprise,
Home-joys come rushing o'er him.
For ** modest, wee, and crimson- tipp'd,"
He spies the flower before him !
With eager haste 'he stoops him down.
His eyes with moisture hazy,
And as he plucks the simple bloom,
He murmurs, " Lawk-a-daisy !"
Digitized by VjOOQIC
185
THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
CHAPTER I.
the town of Grimsby
"But stop,** says the Cour-
teous and Prudent Reader,
"are there any such things as
Ghosts?"
" Any Ghostesses I** cries Su-
perstition, who settled long since
in the country, near a church-
yard, on a rUififf ground, " any
Ghostesses I Ay, man — lots
on 'em ! bushels on 'em I sights
on 'em! Why, there's one as
walks in our parish, reglar as
the clock strikes twelve — and
always the same round — over
church-stile, round the comer,
through the gap, into Short's
Spinney, and so along into our
close, where he takes a drink at
the pump, — for ye see he died
in liquor,— and then arter he's
squentched hisself wanishes into waper. Then
Digitized by VjOOQIC
186 THE QRIMSBT GHOBT.
there's the ghost of old Beales, as goes o' nights
and sows teiurs in his neighbour's wheats — I've
often seed un in seed time. They do say that
Black Ben, the Poacher, have riz, and what's
more, walked slap through all the Squire's steel-
traps without springing on 'em. And then there's
Bet Hawkey as murdered her own infant --only
the poor babby hadn't lamed to walk, and so can't
appear agin her."
But not to refer only to the ignorant and ilUte-
rate vulgar, there are units, tens, hundreds, thou-
sands of wellbred and educated persons. Divines,
Lawyers, military, a£id especially naval officers.
Artists, Authors, Players, Schoolmasters and
Governesses, and fine ladies, who secretly believe
that the dead are on visiting terms with the living
— nay, the great Doctor Johnson himself affirmed
solemnly that he had a call firom his late mother,
who had been buried many years. Ask at the right
time, and in the right place, and in the right man-
ner—only aflPect a belief, though you have it not,
so that the party may feel assured of sympathy and
insured against ridicule— and nine-tenths of man-
kind will confess a &ith in Apparitions. It is in
truth an article in the creed of our natural religion
— a corollary of the recognition of the immortality
of the soul. The presence of spirits — visible or
invisible — is an innate idea, as exemplified by the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THB GRIMSBY GHOST. 187
instinctive night terrors of in&ncy^ and recently so
touchingly illustrated by the evidence of the poor
little coUiery-girl, who declared that "she sang,
whiles, at her subterranean task, but never when
she was alone in the dark."
It is from this cause that the Poems and Ballads
on spectral subjects have derived their popularity :
for instance, Margaret's Ghost — Mary's Dream —
and the Ghost of Admiral Hosier— not to forget
the Drama, with that awfiil Phantom in ** Hamlet,"
whose word, in favour of the Supernatural, we all
feel to be worth *' a thousand pound."
"And then the Spectre in * Don Giovanni?' "
No. That Marble Walker, with his audible
tramp, tramp, tramp on the staircase, is too sub-
stantial for my theory. It was a Ghost invented
expressly for the Materialists ; but is as inadmis-
sible amongst genuine Spirits as that wooden one
described by old W. the shipowner — namely, the
figure-head of the Britannia, which appeared to
him, he declared, on the very night that she found
a watery grave off Cape Cod.
« Well— after that— go on."
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188 THE ORIM8BY GHOST.
CHAPTER 11.
In the town of Ghimsby, at the comer of Swivel-
street, there is a little chandler's-shop, which was
kept for many years by a widow of the name of
Mullins. She was a careful, thrijfty body, a perfect
woman of business, with a tfharp gray eye to the
main chance, a quick ear for the ring of good or
bad metal, and a close hand at the counter. Indeed,
she was apt to give such scrimp weight and mea-
sure, that her customers invariably manoeuvred to
be served by her daughter, who was supposed to
be more liberal at the scale, by a full ounce in the
pound. The man and maid servants, it is true,
who bought on commission, did not care much
about the matter; but the poor hungry &ther, the
poor frugal mother, the little ragged girl, and the
little dirty boy, all retained their pence in their
hands, till they could thrust them, with their humble
requests for ounces or half-ounces of tea, brown
sugar, or single Gloster, towards " Miss Mullins,"
who was supposed to better their dealings, — if
dealings they might be called, where no deal of
any thing was purchased. She was a tall, bony
female, of about thirty years of age, but apparently
forty, with a very homely set of features, and the
staid, sedate carriage of a spinster who feels herself
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THE GRIM8BY GH06T. 189
to be set in for a single life. There was indeed
" no love nonsense" about her ; and as to romance,
she had never so much as looked into a novel, or
read a line of poetry in her life — ^her thoughts, her
feelings, her actions, were all like her occupation,
of the most plain, prosaic character — ^the retail-
ing of soap, starch, sandpaper, red-henings, and
Flanders bricL Except Sundays, when she went
twice to chapel, her days were divided between
the little back-parlour and the front shop — between
a patchwork counterpane which, she had been
stitching at for ten long years, and that other
counter work to which she was summoned, every
few minutes, by the importunities of a little bell that
rang every customer in, like the new year, and
then rang him out again like the^old one. It was
her province, moreover, to set down all unready
money orders on a slate, but the widow took charge
of the books, or rather the book, in which every
item of account was entered, with a rigid punctu-
ality that would have done honour to a regular
counting-house clerk.
Under such management the little chandler's
shop was a thriving concern, and with the frugal,
not to say parsimonious habits of mother and
daughter, enabled the former to lay by annually
her one or two hundred pounds, so that Miss
Digitized by VjOOQIC
190 THB GRIM8BT GHOST*
Mullins was in a fair way of becoming a fortune,
when towards the autumn of 1838 the widow was
suddenly taken ill at her book, in the very act of
making out a little bill, which alas I she never lived
to sum up. The disorder pn^essed so rapidly
that on the second day she was given over by the
doctor, and on the third by the apothecary, having
lost all power of swallowing his medicines. The
distress of her daughter, thus threatened with the
sudden rending of her only tie in the world, may
be conceived ; while, to add to her affliction, her
dying parent, though perfectly sensible, was unable,
from a paralysis of the organs of speech, to articu-
late a single word. She tried nevertheless to speak,
with a singular perseverance, but all her struggles
for utterance were in vain. Her eyes rolled fright-
fully, the muscles about the mouth worked con-
vulsively, and her tongue actually writhed till she
foamed at the lips, but without producing more
than such an unintelligible sound as is sometimes
heard from the deaf and dumb. It was evident
from the frequency and vehemence of these efforts
that she had something of the utmost importance to
communicate, and which her weeping daughter at
last implored her to make known by means of signs.
^'Had she any thing weighing heavy on her
mmd?"
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY OHOST. 191
The sick woman nodded her head.
** Did she want any one to be sent for ?**
The head was shaken.
" Was it about making her will ?"
Another mute negative.
" Did she wish to have further medical advice ?"
A gesture of great impatience.
" Would she try to write down her meaning?"
The head nodded, and the writing-materials were
immediately procured. The dying woman was
propped up in bed, a lead-pencil was placed in her
right hand, and a quire of foolscap was set before
her. With extreme diflBculty she contrived to
scribble the single word MARY ; but before she
could form another letter, the hand suddenly
dropped, scratching a long mark, Uke what the
Germans call a Devotion Stroke, fix)m the top to
the bottom of the paper, — ^her fisice assumed an
intense expression of despair — ^there was a single
deep groan — ^then a heavy sigh — ^and the Widow
Midlins was a corpse !
CHAPTER III.
" Gracious ! how shocking I" cries Morbid Curi-
osity. " And to die, too, without telling her secret !
What could the poor creature have on her mind to
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19*2 THE ORIM8BY OH08T.
lay so heavy ! I'd give the world to know what
it was I A shocking murder, perhaps, and the
remains of her poor husband buried Lord knows
where — so that nobody can enjoy the horrid dis-
covery— and the digging of him up !**
No, Madam — ^nor the boiling and parboiling of
his viscera to detect traces of poison.
" To be sure not It's a sin and shame, it is,
for people to go out of the world with such mys-
teries confined to their own bosom. But perhaps
it was only a hoard of money that she had saved
up in private?"
Very possibly, madam. In fiu^t, Mrs. Humph-
reys, the carpenter^s wife, who was present at the
death, was so firmly of that persuasion, that before
the body was cold, although not the searcher, she
had exercised a right of search in every pot, pan,
box, basket, drawer, cupboard, chimney — in short,
every hole and comer in the premises.
" Ay, and Pll be bound discovered a heap of
golden guineas in an old teapot"
No, Madam — not a dump. At least not in the
teapot — ^but in a hole near the sink — she found —
'* What, sir ?— pray what ?"
Two black-beetles, ma'am, and a money-spinner.
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THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 193
CHAPTER IV.
Well, the corpse of the deceased Widow received
the usual rites. It was washed — ^laid out — and
according to old provincial custom, strewed with
rosemary and other sweet herbs. A plate full of
salt was placed on the chest— one lighted candle
was set near the head, and another at the feet,
whilst the Mrs. Humphreys, before mentioned,
undertook to sit up through the night and ** watch
the body." A half-dozen of female neighbours
also volunteered their services, and sat in the little
back- parlour by way of company for the bereaved
daughter, who, by the mere force of habit, had
caught up and begun mechanically to stitch at the
patchwork-counterpane, with one comer of which
she occasionally and absently wiped her eyes — the
action strangely contrasting with such a huge and
harlequin handkerchief In the discourse of the
gossips she took no part or interest, in reality she
did not hear the conversation, her ear still seeming
painfully on the stretch to catch those last dying
words which her poor mother had been unable to
utter. In her mind's eye she was still watching
those dreadful contortions which disfigured the
features of her dying parent during her convulsive
efforts to speak — she still saw those desperate
VOL. I. K
Digitized by VjOOQIC
194 THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
attempts to write, and then that leaden fall of the
cold hand, and the long scratch of the random pencil
that broke off for ever and ever the mysterious
revelation. A more romantic or ambitious nature
would perhaps have fimcied that the undivulged
secret referred to her own birth ; a more avaricious
spirit might have dreamed that the disclosure
related to hidden treasure ; and a more suspicious
character might have even supposed that death
had suppressed some confession of undiscovered
guilt
But the plain matter- of- fiict mind of Mary
Mullins was incapable of such speculations. Instead
of dreaming, therefore, of an airy coronet, or ideal
bundles of bank-notes, or pots full of gold and
silver coin, or a disinterred skeleton, she only
stitched on, and then wept, and then stitched on
again at the motley coverlet, wondering amongst
her other vague wonders why no little dirty boys,
or ragged little girls, came as usual for penny
candles and rushlights. The truth being that the
gossips had considerately muffled up the shop-
bell, for vulgar curiosity had caused a considerable
influx of extra custom, so that thanks to another
precaution in suppressing noises, the little chand-
ler's shop presented the strange anomaly of a
roaring trade carried on in a whisper.
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THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 195
Owing to this circumstance it was nearly
midnight before the shop-shutters were closed,
the street-door was locked, the gas turned off,
and the sympathizing females prepared to sit
down to a light, sorrowful supper of tripe and
onions.
In the mean time the candles in the little back
parlour had burned down to the socket, into
which one glimmering wick at last suddenly
plunged, and was instantly drowned in a warm
bath of liquid grease. This trivial incident sufficed
to arouse Miss Mullins £rom her tearful stupor;
she quietly put down the patchwork, and without
speaking, passed into the shop, which was now
pitch-dark, and with her band began to grope for
a bunch of long sixes, which she knew hung from
a particular shelf. Indeed, she could blindfolded
have laid her hand on any given article in the
place ; but her fingers had no sooner closed on the
cold clammy tallow, than with a loud shrill scream
that might have awakened the dead — if the dead
were ever so awakened — she sank down on the
sandy floor in a strong fit !
" La I how ridiculous ! What from only feeling
a tallow-candle?''
No, ma'am ; but from only seeing her mother,
in her habit as she lived, standing at her old
K 2
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196 THE GRIBISBY GHOST.
favourite post in the shop ; that is to say, at the
Uttle desk, between the great black coffee-mill and
the barrel of red-herrings.
CHAPTER V.
" What 1 a Ghost — a regular Apparition?"
Yes, sir, a disembodied spirit, but clothed in
some ethereal substance, not tangible, but of such
a texture as to be visible to the ocular sense.
^' Bah ! ocular nonsense I All moonshine !
Ghosts be hanged I — no such things in nature —
too late in the day for them, by a whole century
— quite exploded — went out with the old witches.
No, no, sir, the ghosts have had their day, and
were all laid long ago, before the wood pavement
What should they come for? The potters and
the colliers may rise for higher wages, and the
chartists may rise for reform, and Joseph Sturge
may rise for his health, and the sun may rise, and
the bread may rise, and the sea may rise, and the
rising generation may rise, and all to some good or
bad purpose ; but that the dead and buried should
rise, only to make one's hair rise, is more than I
can credit"
They may have some messages or errands to the
living.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 197
" Yes, and can't deliver them for want of breath ;
or can't execute them for the want of physical
force. Just consider yourself a ghost ^
Excuse me.
^' Pshaw ! I only meant for the sake of argu-
ment. I say, suppose yourself a ghost Well, if
you come up out of your grave to serve a firiend,
how are you to help him? And if it's an enemy,
what's the use of appearing to him if you can't
pitch into him."
Why, at least it is shewing your Spirit
" Humph ! that's true. Well, proceed."
CHAPTER VL
There is nothing more startling to the human
nerves than a female scream. Not a make-believe
squall, at a spider or a mouse, but a real, shrill,
sharp, ear-piercing shriek, as if from the very
pitchpipe of mortal fear. Nothing approaches it
in thrilling effect, except the railway whistle;
which, indeed, seems only to come from the throat
of a giantess, instead of that of an ordinary woman.
The sudden outcry from the Uttle shop had
therefore an appalling effect on the company in
the little back parlour, who for the moment were
struck as dizzy and stupified by that flash of sound.
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198 THE QRIMSBT GHOST.
as if it had been one of lightning. Their first
impulse was to set up a chorus of screams, as
nearly as possible in the same key ; the next, to
rush in a body to the shop, where they found the
poor orphan, as they called her> insensible on the
floor.
The fit was a severe one ; but, luckily the gossips
were experienced in all kinds of swoons, hysterics,
and faintings, and used each restorative process so
vigorously, burning, choking, pinching, slapping,
and excoriating, that in a very few minutes the
patient was restored to consciousness, and a world
of pain. It was a long time, however, before she
became collected enough to give an account of the
Apparition— that she had seen her Mother, or at
least her Ghost, standing beside her old desk ; that
the figure had turned towards her, and had made
the same dreadful faces as before, as if endeavour-
ing to speak to her — ^a communication which took
such effect on the hearers that, with one excep-
tion, they immediately put on their bonnets and
departed ; leaving old Mrs. Dadley, who was stone
deaf, and had only imperfectly heard the story, to
sleep with Miss Mullins in what was doomed
thenceforward to be a Haunted House. The night,
nevertheless, passed over in quiet; but towards
morning the ghostly Mother appeared again to the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 199
daughter in a dream, and with the same contor-
tions of her mouth attempted to speak her mind,
but with the same ill success. The secret, what-
ever it was, seemed irrevocably committed to
Silence and Eternity.
In the mean time, ere break&st, the walking of
Widow Mullins had travelled from one end of
Grimsby to the other; and for the rest of the day
the little chandler's shop at the comer of Swivel-
street was surrounded by a mob of men, women,
and children, who came to gaze at the Haunted
House — ^not without some dim anticipations of
perhaps seeing the Ghost at one of the windows.
Few females in the position of Mary Mullins
would have remained under its roof; but to all
invitations from weU-meaning people she turned
a deaf ear ; she had been bom and bred on the
premises — the little back-parlour was her home
— ^and from long service at the counter, she had
become — to alter a single letter in a line of
Dibdin's—
AH one as a piece of the shop.
As to the Apparition, if it ever appeared again,
she said, " the Ghost was the Ghost of her own
Parent, and would not harm a hair of her head.
Perhaps, after the frmeral, the Spirit would rest in
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200 THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
peace : but at any rate, her mind was made up,
not to leave the house— no, not till she was carried
out of it like her poor dear Mother."
CHAPTER VII.
"And pray, Mr. Author, what is your own
private opinion ? Do you really believe in Ghosts,
or that there was any truth in the story of this
Grimsby Apparition ?"
Heaven knows, madam I In ordinary cases I
should have ascribed such a tale to a love of the
marvellous; but, as I before stated. Miss MuUins
was not prone to romance, and had never read a
work of fiction in her whole life. Again, the
vision might have been imputed to some peculiar
nervous derangement of the system, like the famous
spectral illusions that haunted the Berlin Book-
seller,— but then the young woman was of a hardy
constitution, and in perfect health. Finally, the
Phantom might have been set down as a mere
fireak of fancy, the ofispring of an excited imagina-
tion, whereas she had no more imagination than a
cow. Her mind was essentially commonplace,
and never travelled beyond the routine duties
and occurrences of her everyday life. Her very
dreams, which she sometimes related, were re-
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 201
marked as being particularly prosaic and insipid ;
the wilde^ of them having only painted a swarm
of overgrown cockroaches, in the shop-drawer, that
was labelled "Powder Blue." Add to all this,
that her character for veracity stood high in her
native town; and on the whole evidence the
verdict must be in &vour of the supernatural
appearance.
V Well — I will never believe in Ghosts I"
No, madam. Not in this cheerful drawing-
room, whilst the bright sunshine brings out in such
vivid colours the gorgeous pattern of the Brussels
carpet — ^no, nor whilst such a fresh westerly air
blows in at the open window, and sets the Colum-
bines a-dancing in that China vase. But suppose,
as King John says, that
The midnight bell
Did, with his iron tongue and brazen mouth,
Sound one unto the drowsy race of night:
If this same were a churchyard, where we stand—
the grass damp — the wind at east — the night
pitch-dark — a strangely ill odour, and doubtful
whistlings and whisperings wafted on the fitful
gust
«WeU,sir?— "
Why, then, madam, instead of disbelieving in
k5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
20t2 THE GRIMSBY OH06T.
Gtiosts, you would be ready, between sheer fright
and the chill of the night air —
«To do what, sir?—"
To swallow the first spirits that offered.
CHAPTER VIII.
The second night, at the same hour, the same
Melodrama of "domestic interest" was repeated,
except that this time the maternal Phantom con-
fironted her daughter on the landing-place at the
top of the stairs. Another fainting-fit was the
consequence ; but before her senses deserted her,
the poor creature had time to observe the identical
writhings and twitchings of the distorted mouth,
the convulsive struggles to speak which had so
appalled her, whilst her departed parent was still
in the flesh. Luckily, the gossips, backed by two
or three she sceptics, had ventured to return to
the Haunted House, where they were startled as
before by a shrill feminine scream, and again
found Miss MulUns on the ground in a state of
insensibility. The fit, however, was as treatable
as the former one, and the usual strong measiu^s
having been promptly resorted to, she again became
alive to external impressions, — and in particular
that a pint of aquafortis, or something like it, was
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THE GRIMSBY 0H06T. 203
going down her throat the wrong way — that her
little-finger had been in a hand-vice— her temples
had been scrubbed with sand and cayenne pepper,
or some other such stimulants, and the tip of her
nose had been scorched with a salamander or a
burning feather. A consciousness, in short, that
she was still in this lower sphere, instead of the
realms of bliss.
The story she told on her recovery was little
more than a second edition of the narrative of the
preceding night The Ghost had appeared to her,
made all sorts of horrible wry mouths, and after
several vain attempts at utterance, all ended in
a convulsive gasp, had suddenly clasped its sha-
dowy hands round its throat, and then clapped
and pressed them on its palpitating bosom, as
if actually choking or bursting with the sup-
pressed communication. Of the nature of the
secret she did not offer the slightest conjecture ;
for the simple reason that she had formed none.
In all her days she had never attempted success-
fully to guess at the commonest riddle, and to solve
such an enigma as her mother had left behind her
was therefore quite out of the question. The
gossips were less diffident; their Wonder was not
of the Passive, but of the Active kind, which goes
under the alias of Curiosity. Accordingly, they
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204 THE GRIM8BT OHOST.
speculated amongst themselves without stint or
scruple, on the matter that the Spirit yearned so
anxiously to reveal ; — for instance that it related to
money, to murder, to an illegitimate child, to
adulterated articles, to a forged will, to a &vourite
spot for burial ; nay, that it concerned matters of
public interest, and the highest afiairs of the state,
one old crone expressing her decided conviction
that the Ghost had to divulge a plot against the
life of the Queen.
To this excitement as to the Spectre and its
mystery, the conduct of the Next of Kin afforded a
striking contrast : instead of joining in the conjec-
tural patchwork of the gossips, she silently took up
the old variegated coverlet, and stitched, and
sighed, and stitched on, till the breaking up of the
party left her at Uberty to go to bed.
" And did she dream again of the Ghost ?"
She did. Miss; but with this difference; that
the puckered mouth distinctly pronounced the
word Mary, and then sicrewed and twisted out a
few more sounds or syllables, but in a gibberish as
unintelligible as the chatter of a monkey, or an
Irvingite sentence of the Unknown Tongue.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 205
CHAPTER IX.
The third night came — the third midnight —
and with it the Apparition. It made the same
frightful grimaces, and, strange to relate, contrived
to pronounce in a hollow whisper 'the very word
which it had uttered in Mary's last Dream. But
the jumble of inarticulate sounds was wanting —
the jaws gaped, and the tongue visibly struggled,
but there was a dead, yes, literally a dead silence.
On this occasion, however, the daughter did not
fidnt away ; she had privately taken care to be at
the hour of twelve in the midst of her female
friends, and her Mother appeared to her in the
doorway between the little back-parlour and the
shop. The Shadow was only revealed to herself.
One of the gossips, indeed, declared afterwards
that she had seen widow MuUins, ^^ as like as a
likeness cut out in white paper, but so transpa-
rent that she could look right through her body
at the chaney Jemmy Jessamy on the mantel-
piece."
But her story, though accepted as a true bill by
nine-tenths of the inhabitants of Grimsby, was not
honoured by any one who was present that night
in the little back-parlour. The two staring green
eyes of Miss Mullins had plainly been turned, not
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206 THE GRIMSBY 0H06T.
on the fireplace, but towards the door, and her
two bony fore-fingers had wildly pointed in the
same direction. Nevertheless, the more positive
the contradiction, the more obstinately the story-
teller persevered in her statement, still adding to
its circumstantialities, till in process of time she
affirmed that she had not only seen the Ghost, but
that she knew its secret ; namely, that the under-
taker and his man had plotted between them to
embezzle the body, and to send it up in a crate,
marked ** Chancy — this side upwards," to Mr.
Guy in the Borough.
CHAPTER X.
On the fourth night the Ghost appeared at
the usual time, with its usual demeanour, — but
at the shop instead of the parlour-door, close
to the bundle of new mops.
On the fifth, behind the counter, near the till.
On the sixth night, again behind the counter,
but at the other end of it beside the great scales.
On the seventh night, which closed the day of
the funeral, in the little back-parlour. It had
been hoped and predicted, that after the interment,
the Spirit would cease to walk — whereas at mid-
night, it re-appeared, as aforesaid, in the room
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 207
behind the shop, between the table and the
window.
On the eighth night, it became visible agun at
the old desk, between the great black coffee-mill
and the herring-barrel In the opinion of Miss
Mullins, the Spectre had likewise crossed her path
sundry times in the course of the day— at least she
had noticed a sort of film or haze that interposed
itself before sundry objects— for instance, the great
stone-bottle of vinegar in the shop, and the firamed
print of " the Witch of Endor calling up Samuel,"
in the back room. On all these occasions the
Phantom had exhibited the same urgent impulse
to speak, with the same spasmodic action of the
features, and if possible, a still more intense expres-
sion of anxiety and anguish. The despairing ges-
tures and motions of the visionary arms and hands
were more and more vehement. It was a tragic
pantomime, to have driven any other spectator
raving mad f
Even the dull phlegmatic nature of Miss Mullins
at last began to be stirred and excited by the
reiteration of so awful a spectacle : and her curi-
osity, slowly but surely, became interested in the
undivulged secret which could thus keep a disem-
bodied spirit firom its appointed resting-place, the
weighty necessity which could alone recal a
Digitized by VjOOQIC
208 THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
departed soul to earth, after it had once experi*
enced the deep cabn, and quiet of the grave. The
sober sorrow of the mourner was changed into a
feverish fretting — she could no longer eat, drink,
or sleep, or sit still, — the patchwork quilt was
thrust away in a comer, and as to the shop, the
little dirty boy, and the little ra^ed girl were
obliged to repeat their retail orders thrice over to
the bewildered creature behind the counter, who
even then was apt to go to the wrong box, can, or
cannister, — ^to serve them out train-oil instead of
treacle, and soft-soap in lieu of Dorset butter.
What wonder a rumour went throughout Grimsby
that she was crazy? But instead of going out
of her mind, she had rather come into it, and
for the first strange time was exercising her un-
trained &culties, on one of the most perplexing
mysteries that had ever puzzled a human brain.
No marvel, then, that she gave change twice over
for the same sixpence, and sent little Sniggers
home with a bar of soap instead of a stick of brim-
stone. In fact, between her own absence of mind,
and the presence of mind of her customers, she
sold so many good bargains, that the purchasers
began to wish that a Deaf, and Dumb Ghost
would haunt every shop in the town !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THB QBIM8BT GHOST. 209
CHAPTER XI.
According to the confession of our first and last
practitioners, the testimony of medical works, and
the fatal results of most cases of Trismus, there is
no sui]gical operation on the human subject so
difficult as the picking of a Locked Jaw. No
skeleton key has yet been invented by our body-
smiths that will open a mouth thus spasmodically
closed. The organ is in what the Americans call
an everlasting fix — the poor man is booked — and
you may at once proceed to put up the rest of his
shutters.
This difficulty, however, only occurs in respect
to the physical firame. For a spiritual lock-jaw
there is a specific mode of treatment, which,
according to tradition, has generally proved suc-
cessfiil in overcoming the peculiar Trismus to
which all Apparitions are subject, and which has
thus enabled them to break that melancholy silence,
which must otherwise have prevailed in their inter-
course with the living. The modus operandi is
extremely simple, and based on an old-fashioned
rule, to which, for some obscure reason, ghosts as
well as good littie boys seem bound to adhere, t.«.,
not to speak till they are spoken to. It is only
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210 THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
necessary, therefore, if you wish to draw out a
dumb Spirit, to utter the first word.
Strange to say, this easy and ancient prescription
never occurred to either Miss Mullins or her gos-
sips till the ninth day, when Mrs. Humphreys,
happening to stumble on the old rule in her son's
spelling-book, at the same time hit on the true
cause of the silence of the " Mysterious Mother."
It was immediately determined that the same
night, or at least the very first time the Spirit
re-appeared, it should be spoken to; the very
terms of the filial address, like those of a Royal
Speech, being agreed on beforehand, at the same
council. Whether the orator, the appointed hour
and the expected auditor considered, would remem-
ber so long a sentence, admitted of some doubt :
however it was learned by rote, and having forti-
fied herself with a glass of cordial, and her backers
having fortified themselves with two, the trembling
Mary awaited the awfiil interview, conning over to
herself the concerted formula, which to assist her
memory had been committed to paper.
" Muther, if so be you ar my muther, and as
such being spoke to, speak I cunjer you, or now
and ever after old your Tung."
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THE GRIMSBT GHOST. 211
CHAPTER XII.
One — Two— Three — Four — Five — Six — Seven-
Eight— Nine— Ten— Eleven-TWELVE !
The Hour was come and the Ghost. True to
the last stroke of the clock, it appeared like a
Digitized by VjOOQIC
212 THE GRIMSBY GHOST.
figure projected firom a magic lantern, on the cur-
tiun at the foot of the bed — ^for, through certain
private reasons of her own, Miss MuUins had
resolved not only to be alone, but to receive her
visiter — as the French ladies do — in her chambre ct
coucher. Perhaps she did not care that any ear
but her own should receive a disclosure which
might involve matters of the most delicate nature :
a secret, that might perchance affect the reputation
of her late parent, or her own social position.
However, it was in solitude and firom her pillow,
that with starting eyeballs, and outstretched arms,
she gazed for the ninth time on the silent Phan-
tom, which had assumed a listening expression,
and an expectant attitude, as if it had been
invisibly present at the recent debate, and ha*
overheard the composition of the projected speech.
But that speech was never to be spoken. In vain
poor Mary tried to give it utterance ; it seemed to
stick, like an apothecary's powder, in her throat —
to her &uces, her palate, her tongue, and her
teeth, so that she could not get it out of her
mouth.
The Ghost made a sign of impatience.
Poor Mary gasped.
The Spirit firowned and apparently stamped
with its foot
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THE ORIBfSBY GHOeT. '213
Poor Mary made another violent effort to speak,
but only gave a sort of tremulous croaL
The features of the Phantom agun began to
work— the muscles about the mouth quivered and
twitched.
Poor Mary's did the same. •
The whole &ce of the Apparition was drawn
and puckered by a spasmodic paroxysm, and poor
Mary felt that she was imitating the contortions,
and even that hideous grin, the risus sardanicus,
which had inspired her with such horror.
At last with infinite difficulty, she contrived by
a desperate effort to utter a short ejaculation —
but brief as it was it sufficed to break the spell.
The Ghost, as if it had only awaited the blessed
sound of one single syllable from the human voice,
to release its own vocal organs from their mysteri-
ous thraldom, instantly spoke.
But the words are worthy of a separate chapter.
CHAPTER XIII.
" Mary f it arrCt boohed— but there* s tuppence for
sandpaper at number nine I "
Note.— "It is much to the Discredit of Ghosts,'*— says
Johannes Lanternus, in his " Treatise of Apparitions,"—" thnt
tbey doe so commonly revisit the Earth on such trivial Errands
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214 THE QRIM8BT GHOST.
as would hardly justify a Journey from London to York, much
less from one World to another. Grave and weighty ought to he
the Matter that can awaken a Spirit from the deep Slumbers of
the Tomb : solemn and potent must be the Spell, to induce the
liberated Soul, divorced with such mortal Agony from its human
Clothing, to put on merely such flimsy Atoms, as may render it
visible to the Eye of Flesh. For neither willingly nor wantonly
doth the Spirit of a Man forsake its subterrane Dwelling, as may
be seen in the awful Question by the Ghost of Samuel to the
Witch of Endor — « Wherefore hast Thou disquited Me and
called Me up?" And yet, forsooth, a walking Phantom shall
break the Bonds of Death, and perchance the Bonds of Hell to
boot, to go on a Message, which concerns but an Individual, and
not a great one either, or at most a Family, nor yet one of Note,
— for Example, to disclose the lurking Place of a lost Will, or
of a Pot of Money in Dame Perkins her back Yard ,^ Whereas
such a Supernatural Intelligencer hath seldom been vouchsafed
to reveal a State Plot— to prevent a Royal Murther, or avert the
Shipwrack of an whole Empire. Wherefore I conclude, that
many or most Ghost Stories have had their rise in the Self-
Conceit of vain ignorant People, or the Arrogance of great Fami-
lies, who take Pride in the Belief, that their mundane Affidrs
are of so important a Pitch, as to perturb departed Souls, even
amidst the Pains of Purgatory, or the Pleasures of Paradise."
EPIGRAM
ON THB AKT-UNIONS.
That Picture-Raffles will conduce to nourish
Design, or cause good Colouring to flourish,
Admits of logic-chopping and wise sawing,
But surely Lotteries encourage Drawing !
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•215
A BLACK JOB.
No doubt the pleasure is as great,
Of being cheated as to cheat.
HlTDIBRAfi.
The history of human-kind to trace
Since Eve — the first of dupes — our doom un-
riddled,
A certain portion of the human race
EEas certainly a taste for being diddled.
Witness the famous Mississippi dreams !
A rage that time seems only to redouble —
The Banks, Joint-Stocks^and all the flimsy schemes.
For rolling in Pactolian streams,
That cost our modem rogues so little trouble.
No matter what,— to pasture cows on stubble.
To twist searsand into a solid rope.
To make French bricks and fency bread of rubble,
Or light with gas the whole celestial cope —
Only propose to blow a bubble.
And Lord ! what hundreds will subscribe for soap !
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216 A BLACK JOB.
Soap I — ^it reminds me of a little tale^
Tho' not a pig's, the hawbuck's glory,
When rustic games and merriment prevail —
But here's my story :
Once on a time — no matter when —
A knot of very charitable men
Set up a Philanthropical Society,
Professing on a certain plan.
To benefit the race of man.
And in particular that dark variety,
Which some suppose inferior— as in vermin,
The sable is to ermine.
As smut to flour, as coal to alabaster.
As crows to swans, as soot to driven snow.
As blacking, or as ink to ** milk below,''
Or yet a better simile to show.
As ragman's dolls to images in plaster !
However, as is usual in our city,
They had a sort of managing Committee,
A board of grave responsible Directors —
A Secretary, good at pen and ink —
A Treasurer, of course, to keep the chink.
And quite an army of Collectors !
Not merely male, but female duns.
Young, old, and middle-aged— of all degrees-
With many of those persevering ones,
Who mite by mite would beg a cheese !
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A BLACK JOB. 217
And what might be their aim ?
To rescue Afiic's sable sons from fetters —
To save their bodies from the burning shame
Of branding with hot letters —
Their shoulders from the cowhide's bloody strokes,
Their necks from iron yokes ?
To end or mitigate the ills of slavery,
The Planter's avarice, the Driver's knavery ?
To school the heathen Negroes and enlighten 'em.
To polish up and brighten 'em.
And make them worthy of eternal bliss ?
Why, no — the simple end and aim was this —
Reading a well-known proverb much amiss —
To wash and whiten 'em !
They look'd so ugly in their sable hides ;
So dark, so dingy, like a grubby lot
Of sooty sweeps, or colliers, and besides.
However the poor elves
Might wash themselves.
Nobody knew if they were clean or not —
On Nature's fairness they were quite a blot !
Not to forget more serious complaints
That even while they join'd in pious hymn,
So black they were and grim.
In face and limb.
They look'd like Devils,, tho' they sang like Saints I
VOL. I. L
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218 A BLACK JOB.
The thing was undeniable !
They wanted washing ! not that slight ablution
To which the skin of the White Man is liable.
Merely removing transient pollution —
But good, hard, honest, energetic rubbing
And scrubbing.
Sousing each sooty frame from heels to head
With stiff, strong, saponaceous lather.
And pails of water — hottish rather.
But not so boiling as to turn 'em red !
So spoke the philanthropic man
Who laid, and hatch'd, and nursed the plan —
And oh ! to view its glorious consummation !
The brooms and mops.
The tubs and slops,
The baths and brushes in frdl operation !
To see each Crow, or Jim, or John,
Go in a raven and come out a swan !
While &ir as Cavendishes, Vanes, and Russek,
Black Venus rises from the soapy surge.
And all the little Niggerlings emerge
As lily-white as mussels.
Sweet was the vision — ^but alas !
However in prospectus bright and sunny.
To bring such visionary scenes to pass
One thing was requisite, and that was-^money !
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A BLACK JOB. 219
Money, that pays the laundress and her bills,
For socks and collars, shirts and firills,
Cravats and kerchieft — ^money, without which
The negroes most remain as dark as pitch ;
A thing to make all christians sad and shivery,
To think of millions of inmiortal souls
Dwelling in bodies black as coals,
And living — so to speak — ^in Satan's livery !
Money — ^the root of evil,— dross, and stuflPI
But oh ! how happy ought the rich to feel.
Whose means enabled them to give enough
To blanch an African from head to heel !
How blessed — ^yea thrice blessed — to subscribe
Enough to scour a tribe I
While he whose fortune was at best a brittle one,
Although he gave but pence, how sweet to know
He helped to bleach a Hottentot's great toe,
Or little one !
Moved by this logic, or appall'd,
To persons of a certain turn so proper.
The money came when call'd,
In silver, gold, and copper.
Prints from " Friends to blacks," or foes to whites,
" Trifles," and « oflerings," and " widow's mites,"
l2
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220 A BLACK JOB.
Plump legacies, and yearly benefections,
With other gifts
And charitable lifts.
Printed in lists and quarterly transactions.
As thus — Elisha Brettel,
An iron kettle.
The Dowager Lady Scannel,
A piece of flannel.
Rebecca Pope,
A bar of soap.
The Misses Howels,
Half-a-dozen towels.
The Master Rush's,
Two scrubbing-brushes.
Mr. T. Groom,
A stable broom,
And Mrs. Grubb,
A tub.
Great were the sums collected !
And great results in consequence expected.
But somehow, in the teeth of all endeavour.
According to reports
At yearly courts.
The blacks, confound them I were as black as ever !
Yes ! spite of all the water sous'd aloft,
Soap, plain and mottled, hard and soft.
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A BLACK JOB, 221
Soda and pearlash, huckaback and sand,
Brooms, brushes, palm of hand.
And scourers in the office strong and clever.
In spite of all the tubbing, rubbing, scrubbing,
The routing and the grubbing,
The blacks, confound them I were as black as ever !
In £aci in his perennial speech.
The Chairman own'd the niters did not bleach,
As he had hoped.
From being washed and soaped,
A circumstance he named with grief and pity ;
But still he had the happiness to say,
For self and the Committee,
By persevering in the present way,
And scrubbing at the Blacks from day to day,
Although he could not promise perfect white.
From certain symptoms that had come to light,
He hoped in time to get them gray !
Lull'd by this vague assurance.
The friends and patrons of the sable tribe
Continued to subscribe.
And waited, waited on with much endurance —
Many a frugal sister, thrifly daughter —
Many a stinted widow, pinching mother —
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222 A BLACK JOB.
With income by the tax made somewhat shorter.
Still paid implicitly her crown per quarter.
Only to hear as ev'ry year came round.
That Mr. Treasurer had spent her pound ;
And as she loved her sable brother,
That Mr. Treasurer must have another I
But, spite of pounds or guineas,
Instead of giving any hint
Of turning to a neutral tint.
The plaguy negroes and their piccaninnies
Were still the colour of the bird that caws —
Only some very aged souls
Showing a little gray upon their polls,
Like daws I
However, nothing dashed
By such repeated failures, or abashed.
The Court still met ; — the Chairman and Directors,
The Secretary, good at pen and ink.
The worthy Treasurer, who kept the chink.
And all the cash collectors;
With hundreds of that class, so kindly credulous.
Without whose help, no charlatan alive.
Or Bubble Company could hope to thrive.
Or busy Chevalier, however sedulous —
Those good and easy innocents in fact.
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A BLACK JOB. 223
Who willingly receiving chaff for com,
As pointed out by Butler's tact.
Still find a secret pleasure in the act
Of being pluck'd and shorn I
However, in long hundreds there they were.
Thronging the hot, and close, and dusty court,
To hear once more addresses from the Chair,
And regular Report
Alas I concluding in the usual strain,
That what with everlasting wear and tear.
The scrubbing-brushes hadn't got a hair —
The brooms— mere stumps — would never serve
again —
The soap was gone, the flannels all in shreds.
The towels worn to threads.
The tubs and pails too shattered to be mended —
And what was added with a deal of pain.
But as accoimts correctly would explain,
Tho' thirty thousand poimds had been expended —
The Blackamoors had still been wash'd in vain !
^' In fact, the negroes were as black as ink.
Yet, still as the Committee dared to think.
And hoped the proposition was not rash,
A rather fi-ee expenditure of cash — "
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224 A BLACK JOB.
But ere the prospect could be made more sunny —
Up jump'd a little^ lemon-coloured man.
And with an eager stammer, thus began.
In angry earnest, though it soimded fimny :
"What! More subscriptions! No — ^no— no, — not I!
You have had time— time — time enough to try !
They won't come white 1 then why — why — why —
why— why.
More money?"
" Why !" said the Chairman, with an accent bland.
And gende waving of his dexter hand,
" Why must we have more dross, and dirt, and dust.
More filthy lucre, in a word, more gold —
The why, sir, very easily is told.
Because Humanity declares we must !
We've scrubb'd the negroes till we've nearly killed
'em.
And finding that we cannot wash them white.
But still their nigritude ofiends the sight.
We mean to gild ^eml^
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225
MRS. GARDINER :
A HORTICULTURAL ROMANCE.
CHAPTER L
What sweet thoughts she thinks
Of violets and pinks. L. Hunt.
Each flow'r of tender stalk whose head, tho* gay
Carnation, purple, azure, or speck'd with gold,
,Hung drooping unsustain*d, them she upstays.
Milton.
How does my lady's garden grow ?
Old Ballad.
Her knots disorder'd, and her wholesome herbs
Swarming with caterpillars.
Richard ii.
I LOVE a Garden !
" And so do I, and I, and I," exclaim in chorus
all the he and she Fellows of the Horticultural
Society.
" And I," whispers the philosophical Ghost of
Lord Bacon.
" And I,** sings the poetical Spirit of Andrew
Marvel.
" Et moi aussi," chimes in the Shade of Delille.
" And I," says the Spectre of Sir William Temple,
L 5
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22$ BCRS. GABDINEIU
echoed by Pope, and Darwin, and a host of the
English Poets, the sonorous voice of Milton re-
sounding above them alL
" And I," murmurs the Apparition of Boccaccio.
** And I, and I," sob two Invisibles, remembering
Eden.
" And I," shouts Mr. George Robins, thinking
of Covent Garden.
*' And I," says Mr. Simpson — ^formerly of Vaux-
haU.
" And I," sing ten thousand female voices, all
in unison, as if drilled by Hullah, — but really,
thinking in concert of the Gardens of Gul.
[What a string I have touched I]
"We all love a Garden!" shout millions of
human voices, male, female, and juvenile, bass,
tenor, and treble. From the East, the West, the
North, and the South, the universal burden swells
on the wind, as if declaring in a roll of thunder
that we all love a Garden.
But no — one solitary voice — that of Hamlet's
Ghostly Father, exclaims in a sepulchral tone,
"I don't!"
No matter — ^we are all but unanimous ; and so.
Gentle Readers, I will at once introduce to you
my Heroine — a woman after your own hearts— for
she is a Gardiner by name and a Gardener by
nature.
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MRS. QARDINER.
CHAPTER II.
227
At Number Nine, Paradise Place, so called
probably because every house stands in the middle
of a little garden, lives Mrs. Gardiner. I will not
describe her, for looking through the green-rails
in front of her premises, or over the dwarf wall at
the back, you may see her any day, in an old poke
■ Ik
^^:,
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228
MRS. GARDINER.
bonnet, expanded into a gipsey-hat, and a pair of
man's gloves, tea-green at top, but mouldy-brown
in the fingers, raking, digging, hoeing, rolling,
trowelling, pruning, nailing, watering, or otherwise
employed in her horticultural and floricultural pur-
suits. Perhaps, as a neighbour, or acquaintance,
you have already seen her, or conversed with her,
over the wooden or brick-fence, and have learned
in answer to your kind inquiries about her health,
that she was pretty well, only sadly in want of rain,
or quite charming, but almost eaten up by vermin.
For Mrs. Gardiner speaks the true " Language of
Flowers," not using their buds and blossoms as
symbols of her own passions and sentiments, ac-
cording to the Greek fashion, but lending words to
the wants and affections of her plants. Thus, when
she says that she is " dreadful dry," and longs for a
good soaking, it refers not to a defect of moisture
in her own clay, but to the parched condition of
the soil in her parterres : or if she wishes for a
regular smoking, it is not firom any unfeminine
partiality to tobacco, but in behalf of her blighted
geraniums. In like manner she sometimes con-
fesses herself a little backward, without allusion to
any particular branch, or twig, of her education,
or admits herself to be rather forward, quite
irrelevantly to her behaviour with the other sex.
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BIBS. GARDINER. 229
Without this key her expressions woiild often
be unintelligible to the hearer, and sometimes
indecorous, as when she told her neighbour, the
bachelor at Number Eight, a propos of a plum-tree,
that '^she was growing quite wild, and should
come some day over his wall." Others again,
unaware of her peculiar phraseology, would give
her credit, or discredit, for an undue share of
female vanity, as well as the most extraordinary
notions of personal beauty.
** Well," she said one day, " what do you think
of Mrs. Mapleson ? " meaning that lady's hydrangea.
*^ Her head's the biggest — but I look the bluest"
In a similar style she delivered herself as to
certain other subjects of the rivalry that is imiversal
amongst the suburban votaries of Flora : converting
common blowing and growing substantives into
horticultural verbs, as thus :
** Miss Sharp crocussed before me, — but I snow-
dropped sooner than any one in the Row."
But this identification of herself with the objects
of her love was not confined to her plants. It
extended to every thing that was connected with
her hobby — her gardening implements, her garden-
railsy and her garden-wall. For example, she
complained once that she could not rake, she had
lost so many of her teeth — she told the carpenter
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230 MRS. GARDINER.
the boys climbed over her so, that he shoiild stick
her all over tenter-hooks — and sent word to her
landlord, a builder, the snails bred so between her
bricks, that he must positively come and new point
her.
" Phoo ! phoo I" exclaims an incredulous, Gentle
Reader — " she is all a phantom !'*
Quite the reverse, sir. She is as real and as
substantial as Mrs. Baines. Ask Mr. Cherry, the
newsman, or his boy, John Loder, either of whom
will tell you— on oath if you require it — ^that he
serves her every Saturday with the Gardene$^s
Ckrcnide.
CHAPTER III.
My first acquaintance with Mrs. Gardiner was
formed when she was "in populous city pent," and
resided in a street in the very^ heart of the city.
In fact in Bucklersbury. But even there her
future bent developed itself as far as her limited
ways and means permitted. On the leads over
the back warehouse, she had what she delighted to
call a shrubbery : viz. —
A Persian Lilac in a tea-chest,
A Guelder Rose in a washing-tub,
A Launistinus in a butter-tub,
A Monthly Rose in a Portugal grape-jar.
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MBS. GABDINBR. 231
and about a score, of geraniums^ fuchsias, and
similar plants in pots. But besides shrubs and
flowers, she cultiyated a few vegetables — that is to
say, she grew her own sallads of ^^ mustard and
crest" in a brown pan; and in sundry crockery
vessels that would hold earth, but not water, she
reared some half dozen of Scarlet Runners, which
in the proper season you might see climbing up a
series of string ladders, against the back of the
house, as if to elope with the Mignionette from its
box in the second-floor window. Then indoors,
on her mantelshelf, she had hyacinths and other
bulbs in glasses — ^and from a hook in the ceiling,
in lieu of a chandelier, there was suspended
a wicker-basket, containing a white biscuitware
garden-pot, with one of those pendent plants,
which, as she described their habits and suste-
nance, are ^^fond of hanging themselves, and
living on hare." But these experiments rather
tantalized than satisfied her passion. Warehouse-
leads, she confessed, made but indifferent gardens
or shrubberies, whilst the London smoke was fatal
to the complexion of her mop rose and the fra-
grance of her southernwood, or in her own words,
*^ I blow dingy — ^and my old man smells sutty."
Once, indeed, she pictured to me her beau ideal
of " a little Paradise," the main features of which
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2.% MBS. GARDINER.
I forget, except that with reference to a cottage
omeey she was to have "a jessamy in front, and a
creeper up her back." As to the garden, it was
to have walks and a lawn of course, with plenty of
rich loam, that she might lay herself out in squares,
and ovals, and diamonds — ^butter-tubs and tea-
chests were very well for town, but she longed for
elbow-room, and earth to dig, to rake, to hoe, and
trowel up, — ^in short, she declared, if she was her
own mi^iB, she would not sleep another night
before she had a bed of her own — ^not with any
reference to her connubial partner, but she longed,
she did, for a bit of ground, she did not care how
smalL A wish that her husband at last gratified
by taking a bit of ground, he did not care how
small, in Bunhill Fields.
The widow, selling off the town house, imme-
diately retired to a villa in the country, and I had
lost sight of her for some months, when one May
morning taking a walk in the suburbs, whilst
passing in front of Number Nine, Paradise Place,
I overheard a rather harsh voice exclaiming, as if
in expostulation with a refractory donkey —
** Come up ! Why don't you come up ?**
It was Mrs. Gardiner, reproaching the tardiness
of her seeds.
I immediately accosted her, but as she did not
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MRS. OABDINER. 283
recognise me, detennined to preserve my incog-
nito, till I had drawn her out a little to exhibit
her hobby.
^^ Rather a late spring ma'am !"
"Wery, sir, — werry much so indeed. Lord
knows when I shall be out of the earth, I almost
think I'm rotted in the ground."
" The flowers are backward indeed, ma'am. I
have hardly seen any except some wall-flowers
fiirther down the row."
*'Ah, at Number Two — Miss Sharp's. She's
poor and single — but I'm double and bloody."
*^ You seem to have some fine stocks."
" Well, and so I have, though I say it myself.
I'm the real Brompton — ^with a stronger blow than
any one in the place, and as to sweetness, nobody
can come nigh me. Would you like to walk in,
sir, and smell me ?"
Accepting the polite invitation, I stepped in
through the little wicket, and in another moment
was rapturously sniffing at her stocks, and the
flower with the sanguinary name. From the walls
I turned off to a rosebush, remarking that there
was a very fine show of buds.
" Yes, but I want sun to make me bust You
should have seen me last June, sir, when I was in
my full bloom. None of your wishy washy pale
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284 MB8. GABDINEIL
sorts (this was a fling at the white roses at the next
door) — none of your Provincials, or pale pinks.
There's no maiden blushes about me. I'm the
regular old red cabbage !"
And she was right, for after all that hearty,
glowing, fragrant rose is the best of the species —
the queen of flowers, with a ruddy embonpoint^
reminding one of the goddesses of Rubens. Well,
next to the rosebush there was a clump of Poly-
anthus, from which, by a natural transition, we
come to discourse of Auriculas. This was delicate
ground, for it appeared there was a rivalry between
Number Nine and Number Four, as to that meali-
ness which in the eye of a fancier is the chief
beauty of the flower. However, having assured
her, in answer to her appeal, that she was ** quite
as powdery as Mr. Miller," we went on very
smoothly through Jonquils, and Narcissuses, and
Ranunculus, and were about to enter on ^* Any-
monies," when Mrs. Gardiner suddenly stopped
short, and with a loud " whist 1" pitched her
trowel at the head of an old horse, which had
thrust itself over the wooden fence.
^^ Drat the animals I I might as well try flower-
ing in the Zoological, with the beasts all let loose !
It's very hard, sir, but I can't grow nothing tall
near them front rails. There was last year,— only
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MBS. GABDINBIU 235
just &ncy me, sir — m^ih the most beautiful Crown
Imperial you ever saw — ^when up comes a stupid
hass and crops off my head."
I condoled with her of course on so cruel a
decapitation, and recovered her trowel for her, in
return for which civility she plucked and presented
to me a bunch of Heartsease, apologizing that
*^she was not Bazaar (pro Bizarre) but a very good
sort"
"It's along of living so near the road,'* she
added, recurring to the late invasion. " Yesterday
I was bullocked, and to-morrow I suppose I shall
be pigged. Then there's the blaggard men and
boys, picking and stealing as they go by. I really
expect that some day or other they'll walk in and
strip me!"
I sympathised again ; but before the condole-
ment was well finished there was another " whist 1 "
and another cast of the missile.
" That's a dog ! They're always rampaging at
my firont, and there goes the cat to my back, and
she'll claw all my bark off in scrambling out of
reach 1 Howsomever that's a fine lupin, ain't it?"
I assured her that it deserved to be exhibited to
the Horticultural Socie^.
"What, to the flower show? No thankee.
Miss Sharp did^ and made sure of a Bankside
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236 MRS. GABDINER.
Medal, and what do you think they gave her?
Only acerkittifitl"
" Shameful !** I ejaculated, ** why it was giving
her nothing at all/' and once more I restored the
trowel, which, however, had hardly settled in it's
owner's hand, than with a third ** whist!" off it
flew again like a rocket, with a descriptive an-
nouncement of the enemy.
"Them horrid poultry! Will you believe it,
sir, that 'ere cock flew over, and gobbled up my
Hen-and-Chickens 1"
" What I * aU your pretty chickens and their dam V "
''Ye%,aUfnyDaisyr
[Reader ! — if ever there was a verbal step from
the Sublime to the Ridiculous — tiuit was it]
CHAPTER IV.
My mask fell off. That destructive cock was as
fiital to my incognitio as to the widow's flowers :
for coming after the cat and the dog, and the pos-
sible pigs, and the positive bullock, and the men,
and the boys, and the horse, and the ass, I could
not help observing that my quondam acquaintance
would have been better off in Bucklersbury.
**LordI and is it you," she exclaimed with
almost a scream ; " well, I had a misgiving as to
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MR8. GARDINER. 237
your woice," and with a rapid volley of semiardcu-
late sounds the Widow seized my right hand in
one of her own, whilst with the other she groped
hurriedly in her pocket It was to search for her
handkerchief, but the cambric was absent, and she
was obliged to wipe off the gushing tears with her
gardening glove. The rich loam on the fingers,
thus irrigated, ran off in muddy rivulets down her
furrowed cheeks, but in spite of her ludicrous
appearance I could not help sympathizing with
her natural feelings, however oddly expressed.
"She could not help it,** she sobbed — "the
sight of me overcame her. When she last saw me,
— He was alive —who had always been a kind and
devoted husband — ^as never grudged her nothing —
and had given her that beautifiil butter-tub for her
laurustiny. She often thought of him — ^yes, often
and often— while she was gardening— as if she saw
his poor dear bones under the mould — and then
to think that she came up, year after year —
"flourishing in all her beau^ and flagrance" —
and he didn't — "But look there" — and smiling
through her tears, she pointed towards the house,
and told me a tale, that vividly reminded me of
her old contrivances in Bucklersbury.
"It's a table-beer barrel. I had it sawed in
hal^ and there it is, holding them two hallows, on
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238 MRS. GABDINER.
each side of the door. But I shan't blow, you
know, for a sentry 1 "
Very handsome mdeed !
'^ Ain't they? And there's my American
Creeper. Miss Sharp pretends to creep, but Lor
bless ye, afore ever she gets up to her first floor
window, I shall be running all over the roof of the
willa. You see Tm over the portico already."
A compliment to her climbing powers was due
of course, and I paid it on the spot ; but we were
not yet done with creepers. All at once the
Widow plucked off her garden bonnet, and dash-
ing it on the gravel began dancing on it like a
mad woman, or like a Scotch lassie tramping her
dirty linen. At last when it was quite flat, she
picked the bonnet up again, and carefully opening
it, explained the matter in two words.
"A near-wig!"
And then she went on to declare to me that
they were the plagues of her life — and there was
no destroying them.
^^It's unknown the crabs and lobsters I've eaten
on purpose, but the nas^ insects won't creep into
my claws. And in course you know what enemies
they are to carnations. Last year they ruined my
Prince Albert, and this year I suppose they'll
spoil the Prince of Wales ! "
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MBS. GARDINER. 239
CHAPTER V.
A propos of names.
I do wish that our Botanists, Concologists, and
Entomologists, and the rest of our scientifical God-
fathers and Godmothers would sit soberly down,
a little below the clouds, and revise their classical,
scholastical, and poljglottical nomenclatures. Yea,
that our Gardeners and Florists especially would
take their wateringpots and rebaptize all those
pretty plants, whose bombastical and pedantical
titles are enough to make them blush, and droop
their modest heads for shame.
The Fly-flapper is bad enough, with his Aga-
menmon butterfly and Cassandra moth —
What's Hecuba to him or be to Hecuba ?
but it is abominable to label our Flowers with
antiquated, outlandish, and barbarous flowers of
speech. Let the Horticultuiits hunt through
their Dictionaries, Greek and Latin, and Lem-
priere's Mythology to boot, and they will never
invent such apt and pleasant names as the old
English ones, to be found in Chaucer, Spenser,
and Shakspeare.
Oh, how sweetly they sound, look, and smell in
verse — charming the eye and the nose, according
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240 MRS, OARDINEIL
to the Rosicrucian theory, through the ear! But
what is a Scutellaria Macrautha to either sense?
Day's Eyes, Oxeyes, and Lippes of Cowes have a
pastoral relish and a poetical significance — but
what song or sonnet would be the sweeter for a
Brunsvigia?
There is a meaning in Windflowers, and
Cuckoo-buds, and Shepherd's Clocks, whilst the
Hare-bell is at once associated with the breezy
heath and the leporine animal that fi*equents it
When it is named. Puss and the blue-bell spring
up in the mind's eye together — ^but what image is
suggested by hearing of a Schizanthus retusus?
Then, again, Forget-me-Not sounds like a short
quotation fix)m Rogers' "Pleasures of Memory,"
Love-lies-Bleeding contains a whole tragedy in
its tide — and even Pick-your-Mother^s-heart-out
involves a tale for the novelist. But what story,
with or without a moral, can be picked out of a
Dendrobium, even if it were sumamed Clutter-
buckii, after the egotistical or sycophantical fiushion
of the present day ?
There was a jockey once who complained
bitterly of the sale of a race-horse, just when he
had learned to pronounce its name properly —
Roncesvalles; but what was that hardship, to the
misfortune of a petty nurseryman, perhaps, losing
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MRS. GARDINER. 241
his Passion-Flower, when he had just got by heart
Tacksonia Piimatistipula?
« Reform it altogether l**
It looks selfish, in the learned, to invent such
difficult nomenclatures, as if they wished to keep
the character, habits, origin, and properties of new
plants to themselves. Nay, more, it implies a
want of aflFection for their professed favourites —
the very objects of their attentions.
<* How — a want of affection, sir ?"
Yes — even so, my worthy Adam ! For mark
me — if you really loved your plants and flowers —
** WeU, sir?"
Why, then, you wouldn't call them such liard
names.
CHAPTER VI
To return to Mrs. Gardiner.
The widow having described the ravages of the
earwigs, beckoned me towards her wall, and was
apparently about to introduce me to a peach-tree,
when abruptly turning round to me, she inquired
if I knew any thing of chemicab ; and without
giving time to reply, added her reason to the
question.
** Cos I want you to pison my Hants."
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242 MR8. OABDINER.
Your aunts !
" Yes, the hemmets. As to Dr. Watts, he
don't know nothmg about 'em. They won't
collect into troops to be trod into dust, they know
better. So I was thinking if you could mix up
summut luscious and dillyterious — ^
She stopped, for a man's head suddenly appeared
above the dwarf wall, and after a nod and a smile
at the widow, saluted her with a good morning.
He was her neighbour — the little old bachelor at
Number Eight As he was rather hard of hear-
ing, my companion was obliged to raise her voice
in addressing him, and indeed aggravated it so
much that it might have been heard at the end of
the row.
" Well, and how are yoti, Mr. Burrel, after them
East winds?"
" Very bad, very bad indeed," replied Mr.
Burrel, thinking only of his rheumatics.
"And so am I," said Mrs. Gardiner, remem-
bering nothing but her blight : ^* Fm thinking of
trying tobacco-water and a squiringe."
" Is that good for it?" asked Mr. B., with a
tone of doubt and surprise.
" So they say : but you must mix it strong,
and squirt it as hard as ever you can over your
affected parts."
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BfBfl. GARDINBB. 243
" What, my lower limbs ?"
" Yes, and your upper ones too. Wherever
you're maggotty."
" Oh !" grunted the old gentleman, " you mean
vermm.'*
" As for me," bawled Mrs. G., " I'm swarming 1
And Miss Sharp is wus than I am."
^* The more's the pity," said the old gentleman,
" we shall have no apples and pears."
" No, not to signify. How's your peaches ?"
"Why, they set kindly enough, ma'am, but
they all dropped off in the last frosty nights."
" Ah, it ain't the fitwt," roared Mrs. G.
"You've got down to the gravel — ^I know you
have — ^you look so rusty and scrubby 1"
" I wish you good morning, ma'am," said the
little old bachelor, turning very red in the face,
and making rather a precipitate retreat from the
dwarf wall — as who wouldn't, thus attacked at once
in his person and his peach-trees.
"To be sure, he was dreadful unproductive,"
the Widow said; "but a good sort of body, and
ten times pleasanter than her next-door neighbour
at Number Ten, who would keep coming over her
wall, till she cut off his pumpkin."
She now led me round the house to her " back,"
where she showed me her grassplot, wishing she
m2
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"244 MRS. GARDINER.
was greener, and asking if she ought not to have a
rolL I longed to say, on Greenwich authority,
that about Easter Monday was the proper season
for the operation, but the joke might have led to a
check in her horticultural confidences. In the
centre of the lawn there was an oval bed, with a
stunted shrub in the middle, showing some three
or four clusters of purple blossoms, which the
Widow regarded with intense admiration.
" You have heard, I suppose, of a mashy soil
for roddydandums? Well, look at my bloom, —
quite as luxurus as if I'd been stuck in a bog I"
There was no disputing this assertion ; and so
she led me off to her vegetables, halting at last, at
her peas, some few rows of Blue Prussians, which
she had probably obtained fi-om Waterloo, they
were so long in coming up.
"Backard, an'tl?"
Yes, rather.
*^ Wery — ^but Miss Sharp is backarder than me.
She's hardly out of the ground yet — ^and please
God, in another fortnight I shall want sticking."
There was something so comic in the last
equivoque, that I was forced to slur over a laugh
as a sneeze, and then contrived to ask her if she
had no assistance in her labours.
" What, a gardener ? Never 1 I did once
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MB8. GABDINER. 245
have a daily jobber, and he jobbed away all my
dahlias. I declare I could have cried 1 But it's
very hard to think you're a valuable bulb, and
when summer comes, you're nothing but a stick
and a label"
Very provoking indeed 1
« Talk of transplanting, they do nothing else
but transplant you from one house to another, till
you don't know where you are. There was I,
thinking I was safe and sound in my own bed, and
aQ the while I was in Mr. Jones's."
It's scandalous I
" It w. And then in winter when they're friz
out, they come round to one a beggin' for money.
But they don't freeze any charity out of me»"
All ladies, however, are not so obdurate to the
poor Gardeners in winter — or even in summer, in
witness whereof here follows a story.
CHAPTER VII.
An elderly gentlewoman of my acquaintance,
on a visit at a country house in Northamptonshire,
chanced one fine morning to look from her bed-
chamber, on the second story, into the pleasure-
ground, where Adam, the Gardener, was at work
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246 MB8. GARDINER.
at a flower-border, directly under her window. It
was a cloudless day in July, and the sun 'shone
fervidly on the old man's bald, glossy pate, from
which it reflected again in a number of rays, as
shining and pointed as so many new pins and
needles.
** Bless me 1" ejaculated the old lady, ** it's
enough to broil all the brains in his head;" and
unable to bear the sight, she withdrew from the
casement. But her concern and her curiosity
were too much excited to allow her to remain in
peace. Again and again she took a peep, and
whenever she looked, there, two stories below,
shone the same bare round cranium, supematurally
red, and almost intolerably bright, as if it had
been in the very focus of a burning glass. It
made her head ache to think of it I
Nevertheless she could not long remove her
eyes, she was fiu^inated towards that glowing
sconce, as larks are said to be by the dazzling of a
mirror.
In the mean time, to her overheated fimcy, the
bald pate appeared to grow redder and redder, till
it actually seemed red hot It would hardly have
surprised her if the blood, boiling a gallop, had
gushed out of the two ears, or if the head, after
smoking a little, had burst into a flame by
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MRS. GARDINER* 247
spontaneous combustion. It would never have
astonished her had he danced off in a frenzy of
brain fever, or suddenly dropped down dead from
a stroke of the sun. However he did neither, but
still kept work, work, working on in the blazing
heat, like a salamander.
** It don't signify," muttered the old lady, " if
he can stand it I can't," and again she withdrew
from the spectacle. But it was only for a minute.
She returned to the window, and fixing her eyes
on the bald, shining, glowing object, considerately
pitched on it a cool pot of beer — ^not literally,
indeed, but in the shape of five penny pieces,
screwed up tight in brown paper.
Moral. — ^There is nothing like weU-directed
benevolence I
CHAPTER VIII.
^^ Yes, all gardeners is thieves !"
As I could not dispute the truth of this sweep-
ing proposition fix)m practical experience, I passed
it over in silence, and contented myself with
asking the Widow whence she acquired all her
horticultural knowledge, which she informed me
came "out of her Mawe.^
*^ It was him as give me that, too," she whim-
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248 BIR8. OABBINER.
pered, ^^for he always humoured my flowering;
and if ever a grave deserved a strewing over it's
his'n— There's a noble old hehn?"
Very, indeed.
^^ Yes, quite an old antique, and would be
beautiful if I could only hang a few parachutes
from its branches."
I presume you allude to the parasites?
" Well, I suppose I do. And look there's my
harbour. By and by, when Fm more honey-
suckled I shall be waterproof, but I ain't quite
growed over enough yet to sit in without an
umbrella."
As I had now pret^ well inspected her back,
including one warm comer, in which she told me
she had a good mind to cow-cumber — ^we tiumed
toward the house, the Widow leading the way,
when wheeling sharply round, she popped a new
question.
« What do you think of my walk ?"
Why that it is kept very clean and neat
** Ah, I don't mean my gravel, but my walL
At present you see I go in a pretty straight line,
but suppose I went a Uttle more serpentiny — ^more
zigzaggy — and praps deviating about among the
clumps — don't you think I might look more
picturesque?"
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MRS. OARDINEIL 249
I ventured to tell her, at the risk of sending het
ideas to her front, that if she meant her gaity it
was best as it was ; but that if she alluded to her
path, a straight one was still the best, considering
the size of her grounds*
'*Well, I dare say you're right," she replied,
** for I'm only a quarter of a haker if you measure
me all round.'*
By this time we were close to the house, where
the appearance of a vine suggested to me the
query whether the proprietor ever gathered any
grapes.
" Ah my wine, my wine," replied the Widow,
with as grave a shake of the head, and as melan-
choly a tone as if she had really drunk to fatal
excess of the ruby juice. " That wine will be
the death of me, if somebody don't nail me up.
My poor head won't bear ladder work; and so all
training or pruning myself is out of the question.
Howsomever, Miss Sharp is just as bad, and so
I'm not the only one whose wine goes where it
shouldn't."
Not by hundreds of dozens, thought I, but there
was no time allowed for musing over my own loss
by waste and leakage : I was roused by a " now
come here," and lugged round the comer of the
house to an adjacent building, which bore about
m5
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250 MB8. QARDINBR.
the same proportion to the villa as a calf to a
cow.
** This here's the washus,'*
So I should have conjecturecL
"Yes, it's the washus now — ^but it's to be a
greenus. I intend to have a glazed roof let into
it for a conservatory, in the winter, when I can't
be stood out in the open air. They've a greenus
at Number Five, and a hottus besides — and thinks
I, if so be I do want to force a little* I can force
myself in the copper ! "
The Copper !
"Yes. I'm uncommon partial to foreign out-
landish plants — and if Fm an African, you know, or
any of them tropicals, I shall almost want baking."
These schemes and contrivances were so whim-
sical, and at the same time so Bucklersburyish,
that in spite of myself my risible muscles began
to twitch, and I felt that peculiar internal quiver
about the diaphragm which results from suppressed
laughter. Accordingly, not to offend the Widow,
I hurried to take my leave, but she was not dis-
posed to part with me so easily.
" Now come, be candid, and tell me before you
go, what you think of me altogether. Am I
shrubby enough ? I &ncy sometimes that I ought
to be more deciduous."
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MRS. GARDINER. 251
Not at alL You are just what you ought to be
— shrubby and flowery, and gravelly and grassy —
and in summer you must be a perfect nosegay.
*^ Well — so I ham. But in winter, now, — do you
really think I am green enough to go through the
winter?"
Quite. Plenty of yews, hollies, box, and lots
of horticultural laurels.
[I thought now that I was off— but it was a
mistake.]
" Well, but — ^if you really must go— only one
more question — and it's to beg a &vour. You
know last autumn we went steaming up to Twit-
nam?''
Yes — ^well?
" Well, and we went all over Mr. What's-his-
name's Willa.''
Pope's — ^well?
" Well then, somebody told us as how Mr. Pope
was very &mous for his Quincunx. Could you
get one a slip of it?"
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252 MRS. GARDINER.
CHAPTER IX.
" Well, for my part," exclaims Fashion, " those
who please may garden ; but I shall be quite satis-
fied with what I get from my Fruiterer, and my
Greengrocer, and my bouquets. For it seems to
me, Sir, according to your description of that
Widow, and her operations, that gardening must
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MRS. GARDINER. 253
be more of a trouble than a pleasure. To think
of toilmg in a most un&shionable bonnet and
filthy gloves, for the sake of a few flowers, that
one may buy as good or better, and made artifi-
cially by the first hands in Paris I Not to name
the vulgarity of their breeding. Why I should
£unt if I thought my orange flowers came out of
a grocer's tea-chest, or my camellia out of the
buttertub!"
No doubt of it. Madam, and that you would
never come to if sprinked with common water
instead of Eau de Cologne.
"Of course not I loathe pure water — ever
since I have heard that all London bathes in it
— ^the lower classes and alL If that is what one
waters with, I could never garden. And then
those nasty creeping things, and the earwigs ! I
really believe that one of them crawling into my
head, would be enough to drive out all my intel-
lects l**
Beyond question^ Madam.
" I did once see a Lady gardening, and it struck
me with horror f How she endured that odious
caterpillar on her clothes without screaming, sur-
passes my comprehension. No, no — it is not
Lady's work, and I should say not even Gentle-
man's, though some profess to be very fond of it"
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254 IfRS. QABDINER.
Why as to that, Madam^ there is a style of gar-
dening that might even be called aristocratical»
and might be indulged in by the very first Exqui-
site in your own circle.
^'Indeed, Sir?''
Yes, in the mode. Madam, that was practised
in his own garden by the Poet Thomson, the
Author of the ^* Seasons.''
*' And pray how was that. Sir?"
Why by eating the peaches off the wall, with
his hands in his pockets; or in other words,
gobbling up the firuits of industry, without sharing
in the labour of production.
'' Oh, fie I that's Radical ! What do you say^
my Lord?"
*< Why, 'pon honour, your ladyship, it doesn't
touch me — ^for I only eat other people's peaches —
and without putting my hands in my pockets
at all."
CHAPTER X.
** But do you really think. Sir," asks Chronic
Hypochondriasis, *^ that gardening is such a healthy
occupation?"
^*I do. But better than my own opinion, I
will give you the sentiments of a celebrated but
eccentric Physician on the subject, when he was
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MBS. GARDINEB. 255
consulted by a Patient afflicted with your own
disease.
** Well, Sir, what's the matter with you?" said
the bluff Doctor.
'* Why nothing particular, Doctor, if you mean
any decided complaint Only X can't eat, and I
can't drink, and I can't sleep, and I can't walk —
in short, I can't enjoy any thing except being
completely miserable."
It was a clear case of Hypochondriasis, and so
the Physician merely laid down the ordinary
sanitory rules.
*^But you haven*t prescribed. Doctor," objected
the Patient ** You haven't told me what I am to
take."
^* Take exercise."
"'Well, but in what shape. Doctor?"
" In the shape of a spade."
** What— dig like a horse ?"
" No— like a man."
"And no physic?"
"No. You don't want draughts, or pills, or
powders. Take a garden — ^and a Sabine &rm
after it — ^if you like."
" But it is such hard work ?"
" Phoo, phoo. Begin with crushing your catter-
pillars — ^that's soft work enough. After that you
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256 MRS, GARDINER.
can kill snails, they're harder — and mind, before
breakfast''
"I shall never eat any !"
*^ Yes you will, when you have earned your grub.
Or hoe, and rake, and make yourself useful on the
face of the earth."
^' But I get so soon fatigued."
" Yes, because you are never tired of being tired.
Mere indolence. Commit yourself to hard labour.
It's pleasanter than having it done by a Magistrate,
and better in private grounds than on public ones."
** Then you seriously suppose. Doctor, that gar-
dening is good for the constitution ?"
<< I do. For King, Lords, and Commons. Grow
your own cabbages. Sow your own turnips, — and
if you wish for a gray head, cultivate carrots."
« Well, Doctor, if I thought—"
<< Don't think, but do it Take a garden, and dig
away as if you were going to bury all your care in
it When you're tired of diging, you can roll— or
go to your walls, and set to work at, your fruit-
trees, like the Devil and the Bag of Nails."
"Well, at all events, it is worth trying; but I
am sadly afraid that so much stooping — "
"Phoo, phoo 1 The more pain in your back, the
more you'll forget your hyps. Sow a bed with
thistles, and then weed it And don't forget
cucumbers."
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MBS. GARDINER. 257
"Cucumbers!"
"Yes, unwholesome to eat, but healthy to grow,
for then you can have your frame as strong as you
please, and regulate your own lighU. Melons still
better. Only give your melon to the melon-bed,
and your colly to the coUyflowers, and your Melan-
choly's at an end.**
"Ah I you're joking, Doctor I"
** No matter. Many a true word is said in jest.
I'm the only physician, I know, who prescribes it,
but tf^e a garden — (he first remedy in the world-^
for when Adam was put into one he was quite a
new mem !^
But Mrs. Gardiner.
I had taken leave of her, as I thought, by the
washhouse door, and was hurrying towards the
wicket gate, when her voice apprized me that she
was still following me.
"There is one thing that you ought to see at
any rate, if nobody else does."
And with gentle violence she drew me into a
nook behind a privet hedge, and with some emo-
tion asked me if I knew where I was. My answer
of course was in the negative.
" It's Bucklersbury."
The words operated like a spell on my memory,
and I immediately recognised the old civic shrub-
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258 MRS. GARDINBR.
beiy. Yes, there they were. The Persian Lilac,
the Gruelder Rose, the Monthly Rose, and the
Laurustinus, but looking so fresh and flourishing,
that it was no wonder I had not known them ; and
besides the chests and tubs were either gone, or
plunged in the earth.
*' Not quite so grubby as I were in town," said
the Widow, ^^but the same plants. Old friends
like, with new &ces. Just take a sniff of my
laylock — ^it's the same smell as I had when in
London, except the smoke. And there's my
monthly rose — ^look at my complexion now. You
remember how smudgy I was afore. Perhaps
you'd like a little of me for old acquaintance,"
and plucking from each, she thrust into my hand
a bouquet big enough for the Lord Mayor's coach-
man on the Ninth of November.
*'Yes, we've all grown and blown together,"
she continued, looking from shrub to shrub, with
great affection. ** We've withered and budded,
and withered and budded, and blossomed and
sweetened the air. We're interesting, ain't we?"
O very — ^there's a sentiment in every lea£
^^Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I often
come here to enjoy 'em, and have a cry — ^for you
know he smelt 'em and admired 'em as well as us,"
and the mouldy glove might again have had to
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SfRS. OABDINEB. 259
wipe a moistened eye, but for an alarm familiar to
her ear, though not to mine, except through her
interpretation.
" My peas ! my peas I old Jones's pigeons !"
And rushing off to the defence of her Blue
Prussians, she gave me an opportunity of which I
availed myself by retreating in the opposite direc^
tion, and through the wicket It troubles me to
this day that I cannot remember the shutting it :
my mind misgives me that in my haste to escape
it was most probably left open, like Abon Hassan's
door, and with as unlucky consequences.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
260 MRS. GABDINER.
Even as I write, distressing images of a ruined
Eden rise up before my fimcy— cocks and hens
scratching in flower borders — ^pigs routing up stocks
or rolling in tulips — a ho^se cropping rose-buds,
and a bullock in Bucklersbury ! and all this
perhaps not a mere vision ! That woeful Figure,
vnih starting tears and clasped hands contemplat-
ing the scene of havoc, not altoge&er a fiction I
Under this doubt, it will be no wonder that I
have never revisited the Widow, or ''that when I
stroll in the suburbs my steps invariably lead
me in any other direction than towards Paradise
Place.
CHAPTER XIL
I have told a lie I
I have written the thing that is not, and the
tru& came not firom my pen. There was deceit
in my ink, and my paper is stained with a false-
hood. Nevertheless, it was in ignorance that I
erred, and consequently the lie is white.
When I told you, Gentle Reader, that any day
you pleased you might behold my heroine, Mrs.
Gardiner, I was not aware that Mrs. Gardiner was
no more.
'' No more !"
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MRS. GARDINER. 261
No — ^for by advices just received, she is now
Mrs. Burrel, the wife of the quondam little old
Bachelor at Number Eight
" What I — married 1 Why then she did go
over the wall to him as she promised.*'
No, miss — ^he came over to her.
« What 1— By a rope ladder?"
No— there was no need for so romantic an ap-
paratus. The wall, as already described, was a
dwarf one, about breast high, over which an active
man, putting one hand on the top, might have
vaulted with ease. How Mr. Burrel, unused to
such gymnastics, contrived to scramble over it, he
did not know himself; but as he had scraped the
square toes of each shoe — damaged each drab
knee — ^frayed the front of his satin waistcoat — ^and
scratched his face, the probability is, that after
clambering to the summit, he rolled over, and
pitched headlong into the scrubby holly bush on
the other side.
For a long time it appears, without giving
utterance to the slightest sentiment of an amorous
nature, he had made himself particular, by con-
stantiy haunting the dwarf wall that divided him
from the widow,— overlooking her indeed more
than was proper or pleasant For once, however,
be happened to look at the right moment, for
casting his eyes towards Number Nine, he saw
Digitized by VjOOQIC
262
MRS. QARDINEIL
that his fair neighbour was in a very disagreeable
and dangerous predicament — in short, that she
was in her own water-butt, heels upwards.
.fi-
-^tt;
He immediately jumped over the brick partition,
and bellowing for help, succeeded, he knew not
Digitized by VjOOQIC
MRS. OABDINER. 263
how, in hauling the unfortunate lady from her
involuntary bath.
" Then it was not a suicide ?"
By no means, madam. It was simply from
taking her hobby to water. In plainer phrase,
whilst endeavouring to establish an aquatic lily
in her waterbutt, she overbalanced herself and
fell in.
The rest may be guessed. Before the Widow
was dry, Mr. Burrel had declared his passion —
Gratitude whispered that without him she would
have been ^^no better than a dead lignum vitse"
— and she gave him her hand.
The marriage day, however, was not fixed. At
the desire of the bride, it was left to a contin-
gency, which was resolved by her *^ orange-
flowering" last Wednesday — and so ended the
** Horticultural Romance " of Mrs. Gardiner.
EPIGRAM,
ON LIEUTENANT BYRE'S NAR&ATIYB OF THE DISASTERS
AT CABUL.
A sorry tale, of sorry plans.
Which this conclusion grants.
That Affghan clans had all the Khans
And we had all &e canfs.
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264
THE REPEAL OF THE UNION.
It was a fine, clear, moonlight night, and Mike
Mahoney was strolling on the beach of the Bay of
Bealcreagh — ^who knows why? perhaps to gather
dhoolamaim, or to look for a crab, but thinking
intensely of nothing at all, because of the tune
he was whistling, — when looking seaward, he saw,
at about a stone's cast from the shore, a dark
object which appeared like a human head. Or
was it a seal? Or a keg of whiskey? Alas!
no such good luck ! The dark object moved like
a living thing, and approaching nearer and nearer,
into shallower water, revealed successively the neck
and the shoulders of a man.
Mike wondered extremely. It was a late hour
for a gentleman to be bathing, and there was no
boat or vessel within Leandering distance, from
which the unknown might have swum. Mean-
while, the stranger approached, the gliding motion
of &e figure suddenly changing into a floundering,
as if having got within his depth, he was wading
through the deep mud.
Hitherto, the object, amid the broad path of
silver light, had been a dark one ; but diverging
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THE REPEAL OF THE UNION. 265
a little out of the glittering water, it now became
a bright one, and Mike could make out the
features at least as plainly as those of the Man in
the Moon. At last the creature stopped a few
fiithoms off, and in a sort of " forrin voice," such as
the Irishman had never heard before, called to
Mike Mahoney.
Mike crossed himself, and answered to his name.
" What do you take me for?" asked the
stranger.
" Divil knows," thought Mike, taking a terrible
scratch at his red head, but he said nothing.
" Look here then," said the stranger ; and
plunging head downwards, as for a dive, he raised
and flourished in the air a fish's tail, like a
salmon's, but a great deal bigger. After this
exhibition had lasted for about a minute, the tail
went down, and the head came up again.
" Now you know, of course, what I am ?"
" Why, thin," said Mike, with a broad grin,
** axing your pardon, I take it you're a kind of
Half-Sir."
" True for you," said the Merman, for such he
was, in a very melancholy tone. "I am only
half a gentleman, and it's what troubles me, day
and night But 111 come more convenient to
you."
VOt. I. N
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266 THE REPEAL OF THE UNION,
And by dint of great exertion^ partly crawling,
and partly shooting himself forward with his tail,
shrimp &shion, he contrived to reach the beach,
when he rolled himself close to Mike's feet, which
instinctively made a step apiece in retreat
" Never fear, Mike,*' said the Merman, ** it's
not in my heart to hurt one of the finest peasantry
in the world"
" Why, thin, you'd not object maybe," inquired
Mike, not quite re-assured, "to cry O'Connell for
ever?"
** By no means," replied the Merman ; ** or
Success to the Rent."
" Faix, where did he lam that?" muttered Mike
to himself.
" Water is a good conductor of sound," said the
Merman, with a wink of one of his round, skyblue
eyes. " It can carry a voice a long way — ^if you
think of Father MatheVs."
" Bedad, that's true," exclaimed Mike. " And
in course you'll have heard of the Repale?"
" Ah, that's it," said the Merman, with a long-
drawn sigh, and a forlorn shake of the head.
" That's just it It's in your power, Mike, to do
me the biggest &vour in the world."
" With all the pleasure in life," replied Mike,
" provided there's neither sin nor shame in it"
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE REPEAL OF THE UNION, 267
" Not the least taste of either," returned the
Merman. *^ It is only that you will help me to
repeal this cursed Union, that has joined the best
part of an Irish gentleman to the worst end of a
fish."
"Murther alive!" shouted Mike, jumping a
step backward, " what 1 cut off you honour's
tail I"
" That very same," said the Merman. " * Here-
ditary bondsmen, know ye not who would be free
themselves must strike the blow.' But you see,
Mike, it's impossible in my case to strike the blow
myself."
"Shure, and so it is," said Mike, reflectively,
^^ and if I thought you would not be kilt entirely
— ^which would be half a murder anyhow — ^"
" Never fear, Mike. Only cut exactly through
the first row of scales, between the fish and the
flesh, and I shall feel no pain, nor will you even
spill a drop of blood."
Mike shook his head doubtfiilly — ^very doubt*
fuUy indeed, and then muttered to himself,
" Divil a bit of a Repale without that I "
" Not a drop, I tell you," said the Merman,
^^ there's my hand on it," and he held out a sort
of flesh-coloured paw, with webs between the
fingers.
n2
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268 THE REPEAL OF THE UNION,
*'It'8 a bargain," said Mike, "but after all," and
he grinned knowingly at the Merman, " supposing
your tail cut oflF from you, it's small walking ye'U
get, onless I could lend you the loan of a pair o'
"True for you, Mike,** replied the Merman,
" but it's not the walking that I care for. It's the
sitting, Mike," and he winked again with his
round, sky-blue eye, "it's the sitting, and which
you see is mighty unconvenient, so long as I am
linked to this scaly Saxon appendage."
"Saxon is it!" bellowed Mike, "hurrah then
for the Repaid" and whipping out a huge clasp
knife from his pocket, he performed the operation
exactly as the Merman had directed, — and, strange
to say, of an Irish operation, without shedding a
drop of blood.
" There," said Mike, having first kicked the so
dissevered tail into the sea, and then setting up
the Half-Sir like a ninepin on the broad end,
" there you are, fi^e and indepindint, and fit to
sit where you plase."
"Millia Beachus, Mike," replied the Merman,
"and as to the sitting where 1 please," here he
nodded three times very significantly, " the only
seat that will please me will be in College
Green."
Digitized by VjOOQIC
EPIGRAM. * 269
** Och 1 that will be a proud day for Ireland !"
said Mike, attempting to shout, and intending to
cut a caper and to throw up his hat But his limbs
were powerless, and his mouth only gaped in a
prodigious yawn. As his mouth closed again his
eyes opened, but he could see nothing that he
could make head or tail of — ^the Merman was
gone.
"Bedad!** exclaimed Mike, shutting his eyes
again, and rubbing the lids lustily with his
knuckles, "what a dhrame Pve had of the Repale
of the Union!"
EPIGRAM.
ON A LATE OATTLH-BHOW IN 8MITHFIEJ.D.
Old Farmer Bull is taken sick,
Yet not with any sudden trick
Of fever, or his old dyspepsy ;
But having seen the foreign stock.
It gave his system such a shock
He's had a fit of Cattle^sy I
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270
MORE HULLAHBALOO.
Load as from numbers without number.
Milton.
You may do it extempore, for it's nothing but roaring.
Quince.
Amongst the great inventions of this age,
Which eVry other century surpasses.
Is one, — just now the rage, —
Call'd « Smgmg for aU Classes"—
That is, for all the British millions,
And billions,
And quadrillions,
Not to name QuintUiaiu,
That now, alas 1 have no more ear than asses.
To learn to warble like the birds in June,
In time and tune.
Correct as clocks, and musical as glasses !
In &ct, a sort of plan,
Including gentleman as well as yokel.
Public or private man.
To call out a MiUtia, — only Vocal
Instead of Local,
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MOBB HUI^LAHBALOa 271
And not designed for military follies.
But keeping still within the civil border,
To form with mouths in open order,
And sing in volleys.
Whether this grand harmonic scheme
WiU ever get beyond a dream.
And tend to British happiness and glory,
Maybe no, and maybe yes,
Is more than I pretend to guess —
However, here's my story.
In one of those small, quiet streets.
Where Business retreats.
To shun the daily bustle and the noise
The shoppy Strand enjoys.
But Law, Joint-Companies, and Life Assurance
Find past endurance —
In one of those back streets, to Peace so dear,
The other day, a ragged wight
Began to sing with all his might,
" 1 have a silent sorrow here /"
The place was lonely ; not a creature stirred
Except some little dingy bird ;
Or vagrant cur that sniflTd along,
Indifferent to the Son of Song ;
No truant errand-boy, or Doctor's lad,
No idle Filch or lounging cad.
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27*2 MORE HULLAHBALOO.
No Pots encumber'd with diurnal beer.
No pnnter's devil with an author's proof,
Or housemaid on an errand tar aloof.
Lingered the tatter'd Melodist to hear —
Who yet, confound him I bawl'd as loud
As if he had to charm a London crowd,
Singing beside the public way.
Accompanied — instead of violin,
flute, or piano, chiming in —
By rumbling cab, and omnibus, and dray,
A van with iron bars to play staccato^
Or engine obligato —
In short, without one instrument vehicular
(Not ev'n a truck, to be particular).
There stood the rogue and roar'd,
Unasked and unencored,
Enough to split the organs call'd auricular !
Heard in that quiet place.
Devoted to a still and studious race,
The noise was quite appaUing !
To seek a fitting simile and spin it.
Appropriate to his calling.
His voice had all Lablache's body in it ;
But oh ! the scientific tone it lack'd.
And was, in fact.
Only a forty-boatswain-power of bawling !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
MORE HULLAHBALOO. 273
'Twas said, indeed, for want of vocal rums,
The stage had banish'd him when he attempted it,
For tho' his voice completely fiU'd the house.
It also emptied it
However, there he stood
Vociferous — a ragged don !
And with his iron pipes laid on
A row to all the neighbourhood.
In vain were sashes closed
And doors against the persevering Stentor,
Though brick, and glass, and solid oak opposed,
Th' intruding voice would enter.
Heedless of ceremonial or decorum.
Den, o£Sce, parlour, study, and sanctorum ;
Where clients and attorneys, rogues, and fools,
Ladies, and masters who attended schools.
Clerks, agents, all provided with their tools,
Were sitting upon sofas, chairs, and stools.
With shelves, pianos, tables, desks, before 'em —
How it did bore 'em !
Louder, and louder still.
The fellow sang with horrible goodwill.
Curses both loud and deep his sole gratuities,
From scribes bewilder'd making many a flaw
N 5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
274 MORE HULLAHBALOO.
In deeds of law
They had to draw ;
With dreadful incongruities
In posting ledgers^ making up accounts
To large amounts,
Or casting up annuities —
Stunn'd by that voice, so loud and hoarse.
Against whose overwhelming force
No invoice stood a chance, of course !
The Actuary pshaw'd and " pished,"
And knit his calculating brows, and wish'd
The singer " a bad life" — a mental murther !
The Clerk, resentful of a blot and blunder,
Wish'd the musician further,
Poles distant — ^and no wonder !
For Law and Harmony tend far asunder —
The lady could not keep her temper calm.
Because the sinner did not sing a psalm —
The Fiddler in the very same position
As Hogarth's chafed musician
(Such prints require but cursory reminders)
Came and made feces at the wretch beneath,
And wishing for his foe between his teeth,
(Like all impatient elves
That spite themselves)
Ground his own grinders.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
MORE HULLAUBALOO. 275
But Still with unrelenting note.
Though not a copper came of it, in verity.
The horrid fellow with the ragged coat,
And iron throat.
Heedless of present honour and posterity,
Sang like a Poet singing for prosperity,
In penniless reliance —
And, sure, the most immortal Man of Rhyme
Never set Time
More thoroughly at defiance I
From room to room, firom floor to floor.
From Number One to Twenty-four
The Nuisance bellowed, till all patience lost,
Down came Miss Frost,
Expostulating at her open door —
"Peace, monster, peacel
Where is the New Police 1
I vow I cannot work, or read, or pray.
Don't stand there bawling, fellow, don't !
You really send my serious thoughts astray.
Do— there's a dear good man — do, go away."
Says he, « I won't!''
The spinster puU'd her door to with a slam.
That sounded like a wooden d — ^n.
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276 MORE HULLAHBALOO.
For so some moral people, strictly loth
To swear in words, however up,
Will crash a curse in setting down a cup.
Or through a doorpost vent a banging oath —
In fact, this sort of physical transgression
Is really no more difficult to trace
Than in a given fece
A very bad expression.
However, in she went,
Leaving the subject of her discontent
To Mr. Jones's Clerk at Number Ten ;
Who, throwing up the sash,
With accents rash.
Thus hail'd the most vociferous of men :
" Come, come, I say old fellor, stop your chant !
I cannot write a sentence — ^no one can't !
So just pack up your trumps,
And stir your stumps — "
Says he, "I shan't!"
Down went the sash
As if devoted to "eternal smash"
(Another illustration
Of acted imprecation).
Digitized by VjOOQIC
MORE HULLAHBALOO« *277
While close at hand^ uncomfortably near,
The independent voice, so loud and strong,
And clanging like a gong,
Roar'd out again the everlasting song,
"I have a silent sorrow here I"
The thing was hard to stand I
The Music-master could not stand it —
But rushing forth with fiddle-stick in hand.
As savage as a bandit,
Made up direcdy to the tatter'd man.
And thus in broken sentences began —
But playing first a prelude of grimaces.
Twisting his features to the strangest shapes.
So that to guess his subject firom his faces,
He meant to give a lecture upon apes —
" Com— com — I say !
You go away !
Into two parts my head you split —
My fiddle cannot hear himself a bit.
When I do play —
You have no bis'ness in a place so still !
Can you not come another day ?"
Says he— « I will."
" No— no — ^you scream and bawl I
You must not come at all !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
278 MORE HULLAHBALOa
You have no rights, by rights, to beg —
You have not one off leg —
You ought to work — ^youhave not some complaint —
You are not cripple in your back or bones —
Your voice is strong enough to break some stones" —
Sayshe— "Itaint!"
" I say you ought to labour !
You are in a young case.
You have not sixty years upon your face,
To come and beg your neighbour.
And discompose his music with a noise
More worse than twenty boys —
Look what a street it is for quiet !
No cart to make a riot.
No coach, no horses, no postilion.
If you will sing, I say, it is not just
To sing so loud,*' — Says he, " I must I
I'm SmGINO FOR THE MILLION !"
ON A CERTAIN LOCALITY.
Of public changes, good or ill,
I seldom lead the mooters,
But really Constitution Hill
Should change its name with Shooter's !
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279
A TALE OF TERROR.
The following story I had from the lips of a
well-known Aeronaut, and nearly in the same
words.
It was on one of my ascents from Vauxhall, and
a gentleman of the name of Mavor had engaged
himself as a companion in my aerial excursion.
But when the time came his nerves failed him,
and I looked vainly around for the person who
was to occupy the vacant seat in the car. Having
waited for him till the last possible moment, and
the crowd in the gardens becoming impatient, I
prepared to ascend alone ; and the last cord that
attached me to the earth was about to be cast off,
when suddenly a strange gentleman pushed for-
ward and volunteered to go up with me into the
clouds. He pressed the request with so much
earnestness, that having satisfied myself by a few
questions of his respectability, and received his
promise to submit in every point to my directions,
I consented to receive him in lieu of the absentee ;
whereupon he stepped with evident eagerness and
alacrity into the machine. In another minute we
Digitized by VjOOQIC
260 A TALE OF TERROR.
were rising above the trees ; and in justice to my
companion^ I must say, that in all my experience,
no person at a first ascent had ever shown such
perfect coohiess and self-possession. The sudden
rise of the machine, the novelty of the situation,
the real and exaggerated dangers of the voyage,
and the cheering of the spectators, are apt to cause
some trepidation, or at any rate excitement in the
boldest individuals ; whereas the stranger was as
composed and comfortable as if he had been sitting
quite at home in his own library chair. A bird
could not have seemed more at ease, or more in
its element, and yet he solemnly assured me upon
his honour, that he had never been up before in
his life. Instead of exhibiting any alarm at our
great height firom the earth, he evinced the
liveliest pleasure whenever I emptied one of my
bags of sand, and even once or twice ui^ed me to
part with more of the ballast In the meantime,
the wind, which was very light, carried us gently
along in a north-east direction, and the day being
particularly bright and clear, we enjoyed a delight-
ful birdseye view of the great metropolis, and the
surrounding country. My companion listened
with great interest, while I pointed out to him
the various objects over which we passed, till I
happened casually to observe that the balloon
Digitized by VjOOQIC
A TALE OF TERROR. 281
must be direcdy over Hoxton. My fellow-traveller
then for the first time betrayed some mieasiness,
and anxiously inquired whether I thought he
could be recognised by any one at our then
distance firom the earth. It was, I told him,
quite impossible. Nevertheless he continued very
uneasy, firequently repeating " I hope they don't
see me," and entreating me earnestly to discharge
more ballast It then flashed upon me for the
first time that his offer to ascend with me had
been a whim of the moment, and that he feared
the beijQg seen at that perilous elevation by any
member of his own family. I therefore asked him
if he resided at Hoxton, to which he replied in
the affirmative ; urging again, and with great
vehemence, the emptying of the remaining sand*
bags.
This, however, was out of the question, con-
sidering the altitude of the balloon, the course of
the wind, and the proximity of the sea-coast But
my comrade was deaf to these reasons — ^he insisted
on going higher ; and on my refusal to discharge
more ballast, deliberately pulled off and threw his
hat, coat, and waistcoat overboard.
** Hurrah, that lightened her!" he shouted;
" but it's not enough yet," and he began unloosen-
ing his cravat
Digitized by VjOOQIC
282 A TALE OF TERROR.
" Nonsense/' said I, " my good fellow, nobody
can recognise you at this distance, even with a
telescope."
« Don't be too sure of that," he retorted rather
simply ; " they have sharp eyes at Miles's."
"At where?"
** At Miles's Madhouse 1"
Grracious Heaven I — the truth flashed upon me
in an instant I was sitting in the fraU car of a
balloon, at least a mile above the earth, with
a Lunatic The horrors of the situation, for a
minute, seemed to deprive me of my own senses.
A sudden freak of a distempered fancy — ^a tran-
sient fiiry — ^the slightest struggle, might send us
both, at a moment's notice, into eternity ! In the
meantime, the Maniac, still repeating his insane
cry of " higher, higher, higher," divested himself,
successively, of every remaining article of clothing,
throwing each portion, as soon as taken ofl; to the
winds. The inutility of remonstrance, or rather
the probability of its producing a fatal irritation,
kept me silent during these operations : but judge
of my terror, when having thrown his stockings
overboard, I heard him say, " We are not yet high
enough by ten thousand miles— one of us must
throw out the other."
To describe my feelings at this speech is
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A TALE OF TERROR. 1283
impossible. Not only the awfulness of my position,
but its novelty, conspired to bewilder me — ^for
certainly no flight of imagination — ^no, not the
wildest nightmare dream had ever placed me in
so desperate and forlorn a situation. It was
horrible ! — horrible I Words, pleadings, remon-
strances were useless, and resistance would be
certain destruction. I had better have been
unarmed, in an American wilderness, at the mercy
of a savage Indian I And now, without daring to
stir a hand in opposition, I saw the Lunatic
deliberately heave first one, and then the other
bag of ballast firom the car, the balloon of course
rising with proportionate rapidity. Up, up, up it
soared — ^to an altitude I had never even dared to
contemplate — ^the earth was lost to my eyes, and
nothing but the huge clouds rolled beneath us!
The world was gone I felt for ever I The Maniac,
however, was still dissatisfied with our ascent, and
again began to mutter.
" Have you a wife and children ?" he asked
abruptly.
Prompted by a natural instinct, and with a
pardonable deviation firom truth, I replied that I
was married, and had fourteen young ones who
depended on me for their bread.
^^Hal ha I ha!" laughed the Maniac, with a
sparkling of lus eyes that chilled my very marrow.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
284 A 8&ETCH ON THE ROAD.
" I have three hundred wives, and five thousand
children ; and if the balloon had not been so heavy
by carrying double, I should have been home to
them by this time/*
" And where do they live ?** I asked, anxious to
gain time by any question that first occurred to me.
^^ In the moon/' replied the Maniac ; *^ and when
I have lightened the car I shall be there in no time.''
I heard no more, for suddenly approaching me,
and throwing his arms around my body
• * * • * • •
# « • # • •
A SKETCH ON THE ROAD.
'* All hKte their exiu and their entranceft."
It is a treat to see Prudery get into an omnibus.
Of course she rejects the hand that is held out to
her by male Civility. It might give her a squeeze.
Neither does she take the first vacant place ; but
looks out for a seat, if possible, between an inno-
cent little girl and an old woman. In the mean
time the omnibus moves on* Prudery totters —
makes a snatch at Civility's nose— or his neck —
or anywhere — ^and missing her hold rebounds to
the other side of the vehicle, and plumps down in
a strange gentleman's lap. True modesty would
have escaped all these indecorums.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
285
LAYING DOWN THE LAW."
( ON THE CELEBRATED PICTU&E SO CAXLBD. )
" I am Sir Oracle,
And when I ope my lips let no dog bark.**
Mebchant of Venice.
"If thou wert born a Dog, remain so ; but if thou wert bom
a Man, resume thy former shape.** — Arabian Nights.
A Poodle, Judge like, with emphatic paw.
Dogmatically laying down the law, —
A batch of canine Coimsel round the table.
Keen-eyed, and sharp of nose, and long of jaw.
At sight, at scent, at giving tongue right able:
O Edwin Landseer, Esquire, and R.A.,
Thou great Pictorial Esop, say.
What is the moral of this painted &ble ?
O say, accomplished Artist !
Was it thy purpose, by a scene so quizzical.
To read a wholesome lesson to the Chartist,
So over-partial to the means called Physical,
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286 LAYING DOWN THE LAW.
Sticks^ Staves^ and swords^ and guns^ the tools of
treason ? —
To show, illustrating the better course.
The very Brutes abandoning Brute Force,
The worry and the fight,
The bark and bite.
In which, says Doctor Watts, the dogs delight.
And lending shaggy ears to Law and Reason,
As uttered in that court of high antiquity
Where sits the Chancellor, supreme as Pope,
But works — so let us hope —
In equity, not iniquity ?
Or was it but a speculation
On transmigration.
How certain of our most distinguished Daniels,
Interpreters of Law's bewildering book.
Would look
Transformed to mastifis, setters, hounds, and spaniels,
(As Bramins in their Hindoo code advance).
With that great lawyer of the Upper House
Who rules all suits by equitable nma^
Become — like vile Amina's spouse —
A Dog, caU'd Chance?*
* See the story of Sidi Nonman in the « Arabian Nights.**
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LAYING DOWN THE LAW. 287
Methinksy indeed, I recognise
In those deep- set and meditative eyes
Engaged in mental puzzle,
And that portentous muzzle,
A celebrated Judge too prone to tarry.
To hesitate on devious inns and outs.
And on preceding doubts to build redoubts
That regiments could not carry —
Prolonging even LaVs delays, and still
Putting a skid upon the wheel up-hill.
Meanwhile the weary and desponding client
Seem'd — in the agonies of indecision —
In Doubting Castle, with that dreadful Giant
Described in Bunyan's Vision I
So slow, indeed, was justice in its ways.
Beset by more than customary clc^s.
Going to law in those expensive days
Was much the same as going to the Dogs I
But, possibly, I err.
And that sagacious and judicial Creature,
So Chancellor-like in feature.
With ears so wig-like, and a cape of fur,
Looking as grave, responsible and sage,
As if he had the guardianship in fact
Of all poor dogs, or crackt.
And puppies under age —
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288 LAYING DOWN THE LAW.
It may be that the Creature was not meant
Any especial Lord to represent,
Eldon or Erskine, Cottenham or Thurlow,
Or Brougham, (more like him whose potent jaw
Is holding forth the letter of the law,)
Or Lyndhurst, after the vacation's furlough.
Presently sitting in the House of Peers,
On wool he sometimes wishes in his ears.
When touching Corn Law8,Taxes, or Tithe-pinery,
He hears a fierce attack.
And, sitting on his sack.
Listens in his great wig to greater whi^ery I
So, possibly, those others.
In coats so various, or sleek or rough,
Aim not at any of the legal brothers
Who wear the silken robe or gown of stuflF.
Yet who that ever heard or saw
The counsel sitting in that solemn Court,
Who, having passed the Bar, are safe in port,
Or those great Serjeants, learned in the Law, —
Who but must trace a feature now and then
Of those forensic men.
As good at finding heir» as any harriers,
Renown'd like greyhounds for long tales — ^indeed.
The Common Chancery reports to read,
At worrying the ear as apt as terriers, —
Good at conveyance as the hairy carriers
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LATINO DOWN THE LAW. 289
That bear our gloves^ umbrellas, hats, and sticks,
Books, baskets, bones, or bricks.
In Deeds of Trust as sure as Tray the trusty, —
Acute at sniffing flaws on legal grounds.
And lastly — well the catalogue it closes ! —
Still following their predecessors* noses.
Through ways however dull or dusty.
As fond of hunting precedents, as hounds
Of running after foxes more than musty ?
However, slow or fiist.
Full of urbanity, or supercilious.
In temper mild, serene, or atrabilious,
Fluent of tongue, or prone to legal saw.
The Dogs have got a Chancellor at last.
For Laying down the Law !
And never may the canine race regret it.
With winnings and repinings loud or deep, — ■
Ragged in coat, and shortened in their keep,
Worried by day, and troubled in their sleep.
With cares that prey upon the heart and fret it —
As human suitors have had cause to weep —
For what is Law, unless poor Dogs can get it
Dog-cheap ?
VOL. I.
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290
HYDROPATHY, OR THE COLD WATER CURE,
AS PRACTISED BY VINCENT PRIFSSNITZ, AT GRAFRNBERG,
BY R. T. CLARIOOE, ESQ.
The element that never tirep.
Basil Hall.
The greatest danger to the health or life in
Foreign Travelling, at least in Germany, is noto-
riously from damp linen. A German-Ofen is not
adapted for the process vulgarly called " airing,"
and the " Galloping Horse,*' alluded to by Words-
worth in his poem on a Hanoverian Stove, is any
thing but a clothes-horse. If you send your linen
to be washed, therefore, you must expect in return
a shirt as damp as a DampschiflF— -stockings as
dripping as the hose of a fire-engine, and a hand-
kerchief with which you cannot dry your eyes. As
a matter of course, you must look, now and then,
for a wet blanket, or a moist sheet; and should
that be the case, there is only one warming-pan to
our knowledge in the Rhenish Provinces — and that
one is at Coblence.
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OR THE COLD WATBR CURE* 291
Now this drawback would alone prove a damper
to many an English Tomrist, who would otherwise
go up the Rhine : for of what avail are all his
Patent Waterproof articles — his umbrella, his Mac-
intosh, bis galoshes, India-rubber shoes, and Per-
ring's beaver, whilst he is thus liable to wet next
his skin. In fact, we believe this danger, more
than any sea risk or land peril, has deterred thou-
sands of Valetudinarians from repairing to Ger-
many to drink the waters — accompanied by the
unwholesome probability of chilling the skin, closing
the pores, and checking the insensible, invisible
perspiration by putting on humid garments ; than
which nothing can be more injurious to even the
strongest constitution, — witness the fatal shirt that
clung so to Hercules, and which, allowing for
mythological embellishment, was no doubt simply
a clean one — sent to him wringing wet by that
jade Dejanira.
The catastrophe of the great Alcides rests, how-
ever, on the very doubtful testimony of Greek his-
torians. It is true, that by our English sanatory
notions he ought to have died — say of inflamma-
tion on the lungs — but according to the Hydro-
pathists, the Strong Man ought to have been only
the stronger for a « Cold Wet Bandaging.^ In-
stead of cutting his stick — or rather club— he ought
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292 HTDROPATUT;
merely to have broken out in salutary boils, which
would have removed all his complaints, if he had
any — for example, one Mr. Rausse names all chro-
nic diseases of the lungs, all organic defects, and all
diseases in people wJiose musdes and sinews are past
all power ofactum^ and from wlujm the vital principle
has passed beyond reoooery — which said people, if we
know any thing of plain English, must be neither
more nor less than ^^Stiff-uns!** And to confirm
this cadaverous view of them, p. 74 declares that
these assertions of Mr. Rausse are supported by a
Mr. Raven !
Professor Mund^, however, who was cured of a
painful complaint during his residence at Grafen-
berg, stops short of the cure of Death by light or
heavy wet, but enumerates Gout, Rheumatism,
Tic Doloureux, Hernia, Hypochondria, Piles,
Fevers of all kinds. Inflammations, Cholera, &c.
&C. &c., to which Mr. Claridge adds a list, by the
Reverend John Wesley, of some hundred of dis-
eases, in man, woman, and child, to be cured by
" Primitive Physic,** alias Aqua Pumpy. Nay,
we have cases of Illustrious Patients — Baron
Blank, Count Dash, Greneral Asterisk, the Mar-
quis de Anonymous, and others, who were all well
washed, and all washed well, — and so far from
suffering from wet linen, were actually swaddled
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OR THE COLD WATER CURE. 298
in it ; and instead of being chiiled> actually heated
from being put up damp, like haystacks. It fol*
lows that Hercules could not be carried o£P in the
way supposed, — ^and especially if he enjoyed such
indelicate health as he exhibits in his pictures and
statues.
The common dread of water and wetting seems
certainly to be rather overstrained. We think
little, indeed, of the instance of Thomas Cam,
aged 207, of whose burial registry Mr. Claridge
furnishes an extract from the parish books; first,
because there is no evidence that this very " Old
Tom^ was in the habit of soaking his clay with
water; and secondly, because 207toa« very probably
the way with an iynorant Clerk of settiny doton 27.
Neither do we attach much weight to the opinions
of the Travellers, who <* assure us that amongst
the Arabs this age is not unfrequently attained,
and that men are frequently married at a hundred
years of age ; first, because the Desert is not parti-
cularly well supplied with water; and secondly,
that consequently the Arabs must be of rather dry
habits. But looking at another animal which lives
in the wet, and is one of the greatest of water-
drinkers, namely, the whale, we are quite ready
to allow, as to its longevity, that it is ** the longest
creature as lives."
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294 HYDROPATHY,
Take courage, then, ye Valetudinarians, and
apply for your passports. Go fearlessly up the
Rhine, into swampy Holland, or Belgium, or
wherever you will. Your old bugbears are actually
benefits — real reforms to the constitution. Write on
yourselves if you choose, " This side uppermost,"
but omit the fellow direction, " To be kept dry."
You will thrive like the hydrangeas the more you
are watered. Ride outside, and forget your um-
brella. Prefer soaked coachboxes and sloppy boats
— and if you even go overboard, remember that
the mother of Achilles, to make him invulnerable,
ducked him in a river. Ask for damp sheets, and
pay extra for a wet blanket — nay, never say die,
though afiber a jolly night you find the next morning
that you have slept in a dewy meadow, with the
moon for a warming-pan. If, in walking on St.
Swithin's day, you happen to get under a spout, stay
there — ^it's a Douch-Bad — vide Frontispiece, figure
4, and you are lucky in getting it gratis. Should
you chance to trip and throw yourself a fair back-
fall, with your head in a puddle, don't rise, but lie
there as contentedly as a drunkard, for that — see
figure 5? — ^is a Kopf-Bad. Instead of striding over
a kennel, step into it, — ^for it is as good as a Fuss-
Bad. And when a tub of cold water comes in
your way, squat down in it like Parson Adams,
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OR THE COLD WATER CURE. 295
when be played at ^< the Ambassador," for that is
a Sitz-Bad — as you may see in figure 3, where a
gentleman is sitting, as happy as a Merman, with
his tail in a tub, and reading Claridge on the
**Cold Water Cure!"
And should you experience, though you ough
not, any aguish chills, or rheumatic pains from this
mode of conduct — ^push on at once to Grafenberg,
where Vincent Priessnitz will soak all complaints
out of you, like the salt from a ling. As the
preface says, it is *' only eight or ten days' journey
from London," and you may go either by Ostend
or Hamburg; but the first route is the best, because
you can wet your thirst by the way at the springs
of Aix-la-Chapelle, and the Brunnens of Nassau.
For our own parts we prefer our washing done
at home; but never mind us. Push on for the
great Fountain Tavern in Silesia, for depend upon
it whatever you feel, whether flushes, shudderings,
gnawings, cravings, creepings, shootings, throb-
bings, dartings and prickings — it is only nature
boring for water.
Never stop, then, except perhaps for a minute
or so to look at the votive fountain the Wallachian
and Moldavian patients have erected, dedicated
" Au G^nie de TEau Froide," — never halt till you
have reached the famous House of Call for Water-
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296 HTDBOPATHTy
men, and pledged the great Aquarius himself in
a goblet of his own Adam's ale* If you are faint
it will revive you, if thirsty it will refresh you, and
if you have broken a bone or two by the upsetting
of a diligence, the very man for a fracture stands
before you. In fact his first exploit in Hydropathy
was with cold water and wet bandages, and some
litde assistance from a table, to set and mend two
of his own broken ribs I After that if you are so
unreasonable as still to require any evidence of
the peculiar virtues of the fluid, know that by
drinking and dispensing it, ice cold though it be,
Vincent Precissnitz has made himself so warm that
he is wortli 60,000/.
The above advice, it must be remembered, is
not ours, but drawn from the book before us. We
should be loth to be responsible personally for any
lady or gentleman going so far o£P as Silesia to
drown themselves, and by the awfully premeditated
process of taking ^* twenty glasses of water a day."
Neither should we like to have to answer to a visiter
to Grafenberg for the discomfort of a room like
^*a soldier's chamber in a barrack," so low that
Mr. Gross could not stand upright in it — with no
better furniture than a bedstead with a straw mat-
tress— a chest of deal drawers, a table, two chairs,
a decanter and glass (for water only) and an
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OR THE COLD WATER CURE. 297
** enormous washhand-basin.'' It would vex us to
have commended any one to a table where it is
generally complained that the food ^* though plen-
tiful is coarse." He might not be pleased either
with the remedy of drinking so much water, that
there was little room for the solids. And, above
all, he would naturally cry out against the heart-
burnings incurred by Mr. Claridge himself, and
which were relieved by a cure certainly worse than
the disease.
<* The burning liquid which rises from the stomach
to the throat is often caused at Grafenberg by the
abundance of the greasy food with which the table
is supplied. At the period of the crisis it frequently
makes its appearance at the termination of humours,
of which part is discharged by the first courses. I
was sharply attacked by it at this period of the
treatment, and * a diatroJuBu which I bnmgkt en in
gorging myself with cold toater during two days com^
pletelycuredme:''—p. 237.
Now, it may be very well for Priessnitz, who
boards and lodges his patients, to prescribe water
by the pailful to prevent gluttony ; or to give them
such beds and rooms as must necessarily promote
early rising and encourage exercise out of doors.
It may be quite consistent with his theory to
neither light nor pave his neighbourhood, so that
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298 HYDROPATHY,
his clients are sure on a rainy day of a Mud-bath
in addition to their other ones* But, as we said
before, we should not like to advise any one we
love or like to put themselves under his wet hands,
unless inordinately fond of duck and cold pig.
Moreover, many points of his treatment are prac-
tised, if not openly at least secredy, in our own
country; and at a consequent saving of all the
trouble and expense to the patients of a journey to
Silesia. The damp sheet system is no secret to
the chambermaids at our provincial inns, and the
metropolitan publicans and milkmen are far from
blind to the virtues of cold water as a beverage.
A fact that probably accounts for the peculiar
healthiness of London compared with other capitals*
To be candid, we have besides a private pre-
judice against anything like a Grand Catholicon —
not the Pope, but an universal remedy for all dis-
eases, from elephantiasis down to pip. And we
become particularly sceptical when we meet with
a specific backed by such a testimonial as that of
the Rev. John Wesley in favour of Water versus
Hydrophobia.
*< And this, I apprehend accounts for its Jre"
quently curing the bite of a mad-dog, especially if
it be repeated for twenty-five or thirty days suc-
cessively."— p. 81.
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OR THE COLD WATER CURE. 299
Of which we can only say, that on the produc-
tion of certificates of three such cures, signed by a
respectable turncock, we will let whoever likes it
be worried by a mad pack of hounds, and then
cure him by only showing him Aldgate-pump.
Moreover, we are aware of the aptitude of our
cousins the Grermans to go the whole way " and
a bittock " in their theories. As Mr. PufF says of
the theatrical people, ^^ Give those fellows a good
thing and they never know when to have done with
it." Thus allowing the element to be wholesome,
for ablution or as a beverage, they order you not
only to swig, sit, stand, lie, and soak in it, but
actually to snufF it up your nose — what is a bridge
without water ? — for a cold in the head I — ^p. 228.
It was our intention to have quoted a case of
fever which was got under much as Mr. ^raid-
wood would have quenched an inflammation in a
house. But our limits forbid. In the mean time
it has been our good fortune, since reading Claridge
on Hydropathy, to see a sick drake avail himself of
the " Cold Water Cure " at the dispensary in
St. James's-park. First in waddling in, he took a
Fuss- Bad ; then he took a Sitzbad, and then, turn-
ing his curly tail up into the air, he took a Kopf-
Bad. Lastly, he rose almost upright on bis latter
end, and made such a triumphant flapping with his
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300 HYDBOPATUY, OR THE COLD WATEB CURE.
wings, that we really expected he was going to
shout " Priessnitz for ever I '' But no such thing.
He only cried, ** Quack ! quack I quack ! "
V.** '-^-I^ ^^S„..
G ■ ^
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PART II.
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MR. CHUBB:
A PISCATORY ROMANCE.
CHAPTER I.
** Let me live harmlessly, and near the brink
Of Trent or Avon have a dwelling place,
Where I may see my quill or cork down sink
With eager bite of Perch, or Bleak, or Dace."
J. Davors.
*' 7 care not, I, to fish in seas.
Fresh rivers best my mind do please.
Whose sweet calm course I contemplate,
And seek in life to imitate.**
Pi8CATOR*8 Song.
*< The ladies, angling in the chrystal lake,
Feast on the waters with the prey they take.
At once victorious with their lines and eyes.
They make the fishes and the men their prize."
Wallbb.
Mr. Chubb was not, by habit and repute, a
fishennan. Angling had never been practically his
hobby* He was none of those enthusiasts in the
gentle craft, who as soon as close time comes to an
end, are sure to be seen in a punt at Hampton
Deeps, under the arches of Kew Bridge, or on the
VOL. U. B
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^ MR. CHUBB.
banks of the New River, or the Lea, trolling for
jack, ledgering for barbel, spinning for trout, roving
for perch, dapping for chub, angling for gudgeon,
or whipping for bleak. He had never fished but
once in his life, on a chance holiday, and then
caught but one bream, but that once sufficed to
attach him to the pastime ; it was so still, so quiet,
so lonely ; the very thing for a shy, bashful, nervous
man, as taciturn as a post, as formal as a yew hedge,
and as sedate as a quaker. Nevertheless be did
not fall in love with fishing, as some do, rashly and
madly, but as became his character, discreetly and
with deliberation. It was not a hasty passion, but
a sober preference founded on esteem, and accord-
ingly instead of plunging at once into the connexion,
he merely resolved, in his heart, that at some future
time he would retire from the hosiery line, and
take to one of gut, horsehair, or silk.
In pursuance of this scheme, whilst he steadily
amassed the necessary competence, he quietly accu-
mulated the other requisites; from time to time
investing a few more hundreds in the funds, and
occasionally adding a fresh article to bis tackle, or a
new guide, or treatise to his books on the art. Into
these volumes, at his leisure, he dipped, gradually
storing his mind with the piscatory rules, "line
upon line, and precept upon precept," till in theory
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MR. CHUBB. 3
he was a respectable proficient And in his Sunday
walks, he commonly sought the banks of one or
other of our Middlesex rivers, where, glancing at
sky and water, with a speculative eye, he would
whisper to himself — " a fine day for the perch," or
"a likely hole for a chub;" but from all actual
practise he religiously abstained, carefully hoarding
it up, like his money, at compound interest, for that
delicious Otium-and- Water, which, sooner or later,
Hope promised he should enjoy.
In the mean time, during one of these suburban
rambles, he observed, near Enfield Chase, a cert^n
row of snug little villas, each with its own garden,
and its own share of the New River, which flowed
between the said pleasure grounds on one side, and
a series of private meadows on the other. The
bouses, indeed, were in pairs, two under one roof,
but each garden was divided from the next one by
an evergreen fence, tall and thick enough to screen
the proprietor from neighbourly observation ; whilst
the absence of any public footpath along the fields
equally secured the residents from popular curi-
osity. A great consideration with an angler, who,
near the metropolis, is too liable to be accosted by
some confounded hulking fellow with ^^ What sport,
— how do they bite ?" — or annoyed by some pesti-
lent little boy, who will intrude in his swim.
£2
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4 MR. CHUBB.
"Yes, that's the place for me," thought Mr.
Chubb, especially alluding to a green lawn which
extended to the water's edge — ^not forgetting a tall
lignum vitse tree, against which, seated in an ideal
arm chair, he beheld his own Eidolon, in the very
act of pulling out an imaginary fish, as big and
bright as a fresh herring.
"Yes, that U the place for mel" muttered Mr.
Chubb : " so snug — so retired — so all to one's self!
Nobody to overlook, nothing to interrupt one ! —
No towing-path — ^no barges — ^no thorough&re —
Bless my soul ! it's a perfect little Paradise !"
And it was the place for him indeed — for some
ten years afterwards the occupant died suddenly
of apoplexy — whereupon Mr. Chubb bought the
property, sold off his business, and retiring to the
villa, which he christened " Walton Cottage," pre-
pared to realize the long water-souchyish dream of
his middle age.
" And did he catch any thing?"
My dear Miss Hastie — do, pray, allow the poor
gentleman a few moments to remove, and settle
himself in his new abode, and in the mean while,
let me recommend you to the care of that allego-
rical Job in petticoats, who is popularly supposed to
recreate herself, when she is not smiling on a
monument, by fishing in a punt
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MB. CHUBB. 5
CHAPTER II.
Eureka I
The day, the happy day is come at last and no
bride, in her pearl silk and orange flowers, after a
protracted courtship, ever felt a more blissful flutter
of spirits than Mr. Chubb, as in a bran new white
hat, fustian jacket, and drab leggings, he stands on
the margin of the New River, about to become an
angler for better or worse.
The morning is propitious. The sky is slightly
clouded, and a gentle southerly zephyr just breathes,
here and there, on the grey water, which is thickly
studded with little dimples that dilate into rings, —
signs, as sure as those in the zodiac, of Aquarius
and Pisces. A comfortable arm-chair is planted
in the shadow of the tall lignum vitae — to the right,
on the grass, lies a landing net, and on the left, a
basket big enough to receive a Salmon. Mr.
Chubb, himself stands in front of the chair; and
having satisfied his mind, by a panoramic glance, of
his complete solitude, begins precipitately to pre-
pare his tackle, by drawing the strings of a long
brown holland case into a hard double knot But
he is too happy to swear, so he only blesses his
soul, patiently unravels the knot, and complacently
allows the rod to glide out of the linen cover.
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6 MR. CHUBB.
With deliberate care he fits each joint in its socket,
— from the butt glittering with bright brass, to the
tapering top — and then with supple vrrist, proves
the beautiful pliancy of the "complete thing.'*
Next from the black leather pocket book he selects
a line of exquisite fineness, and attaches it by the
loop to tlie small brazen wire ring at the point of
the whalebone. The fine gut, still retaining its
angles from the reel, like a long zigzag of gossa-
mer, vibrates to the elastic rod, which in turn
quivers to the agitated hand, tremulous with excite-
ment But what suls Mr. Chubb? All at once
he starts oflF into the strangest and wildest vagaries,
— ^now clutching like Macbeth at the air drawn
dagger, and then suddenly wheeling round like a
dog trying to catch his own tail — ^now snatching at
some invisible blue bottle buzzing about his nose,
— ^next flea*hunting about his clothes, and then
staring skywards with goggle eyes, and round open
mouth, as if he would take a minnow I A few bars
rest — and oflF he goes again, — jumping, — spinning,
— skipping right and left — no urchin striving to
apprehend Jack O^Lantem ever cut more capers.
He is endeavouring to catch his line that he may
bait the hook ; but the breeze carries it far a-field,
and the spring of the rod jerks it to and fro, here
and there and everywhere but into his eager hand.
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MR. CHUBB* 7
Sometimes the shot swing into his eye^ sometimes
the float bounces into his mouth or bobs against
his nose, and then, half caught, they spring up per-
pendicularly, and fall down again, with the clatter
of hail, on the crown of his white beaver. At last
he succeeds — at least the hook anchors in the skirts
of his jacket. But he is in too good humour to
curse. Propping the rod upright against the tall
lignum vitse, he applies both hands to the rescue,
and has just released the hook from the fustian,
when down drops the rod, with a terrible lash of
its top-joint in the startled stream, — whilst the
barbed steel, escaping from his right finger and
thumbs flies off like a living insect, and fastens its
sting in the cuff of his left sleeve with such good
will, that it must be cut out with a penknife. Still
he does not blaspheme. At some damage to the
cloth, the Kirby is set free — and the line is safe in
hand. A little more cautiously he picks up the
dripping rod, and proceeds to bait the hook — not
without great difficulty and delay, for a worm is a
wriggling slippery thing, with a natural aversion to
being lined with wire, and when the fingers are
tremulous besides — ^the job is a stiff one. Never-
theless he contrives, ill or well, to impale a small
brandling ; but remembering that he ought first to
have plumbed the depth of the water, removes the
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8 MR. CHUBB.
worm and substitutes a roll of thin lead. After-
wards he adjusts the float to the proper soundings,
and then there is all the wriggling slippery nervous
process to be gone through over again. But Pa-
tience, the angler's virtue, still supports him. The
hook is baited once more, — he draws a long deep
sigh of satisfaction, and warily poising his rod, lets
the virgin line drop gently into the rippling
stream !
Now then all is right ! Alas, no ! The float
instead of swimming erect, sinks down on its side
for want of sufficient ballast; a trying dilemma,
for the cure requires a rather delicate operation.
In fact, six split shot successively escape from his
trembling fingers — a seventh he succeeds in adjust-
ing to the line, on which he rashly attempts to
close the gaping lead with his teeth ; but unluckily
his incisors slip beside the leaden pellet, and with
a horrid cranch go clean through the crisp gut !
Still he does not blaspheme; but blessing his
body, this time, as well as his soul, carefully fits a
new bottom on the line, and closes the cleft shot
with the proper instrument, a pair of pliers. Then
he baits again, and tries the float, which swims
with the correct cock — and all is right at last !
The dreams, the schemes, the hopes, the wishes of
a dozen long years are realized ; and if there be a
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MR. CHUBB. 9
little pain at one end of the line, what enormous
pleasure at the other I
Merrily the float trips, again and again, from
end to end of the swim, and is once more gliding
down with the current, when suddenly the quill
stops — slowly revolves — ^bobs — bobs again — and
dives under the water.
The Angler strikes convulsively — extravagantly
— insanely; and something swift and silvery as a
shooting star, flies over his head. It should^ by
rights, be a fish — yet there is none on his hook;
but searching farther and farther, all up the lawn,
to the back door, there certainly lies something
bright and quivering on the stone step — something
living, scaly, and about an inch long — in short,
Mr. Chubb's first bleak !
CHAPTER III.
Happy Mr. Chubb! Happy on Thursday,
happier on Friday, and happiest on Saturday !
For three deUghtful days he had angled, each
time with better success, and increasing love for
the art, when Sunday intervened — the longest dry
Sunday he had ever spent in his life. This short
fast, however, only served to whet his appetite for
the sport, and to send him the earlier on Monday to
b5
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10 MR. CHUBB.
the river's edge, not without some dim superstitious
notion of catching the fine hog-backed perch he
had hooked in a dream over night
By this time practice had made him perfect in
his manipulations. His rod was put together in a
crack — the line attached to it in a jifly, the hook
baited in a twinkling, and all ready to begin. But
first he took his customary survey, to assure him
that his solitude was inviolate — that there was no
eye to startle his mauvaise honte, for he was as
sensitive to observation, as some skins to new
flannel : but all was safe. There was not a horse
or cow even to stare at him from the opposite
meadow — no human creature within ken, to cen-
sure his performance or criticise his appearance.
He might have fished, if he had pleased, in his
night-cap, dressing-gown, and slippers.
'J'he inefiable value of such a privacy is only
appreciable by shy, sensitive men, who ride hobbies.
But Toby Shandy knew it when he gave a peep
over the hom-heavi hedge before he took a first whiff
of the ivory pipe attached to his smoking artillery.
And so did Mr. Chubb, as after a preliminary
pinch of snuff, and an extatic rub of his hands, he
gently swung the varnished float, shotted line, and
baited hook, from his own freehold lawn, into the
exclusive water.
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MR. CHUBB. 11
The weather was lovely, the sky of an unclouded
blue, and the whole landscape flooded with sun-
shine, which would have been too bright but that
a westerly breeze swept the gloss off the river, and
allowed the Angler to watch, undazzled, his neat tip-
capped float Thrice the buoyant quill had travelled
from end to end of the property, and was midway
on its fourth voyage, when — without the least hint
of bite or nibble— it was violently twitched up, and
left to dangle in the air, whilst Mr. Chubb dis*
tractedly stared on a new object in the stream.
A strange float had come into his swim !
And such a float ! — A great green and white
pear-shaped thing — of an extra size, expressly
manufactured for the most turbulent waters; but
magnified, by the enormity of the trespass, into a
ship's buoy !
Yes— there it was in his own private fishing-
place, down which it drifted five or six good yards
before it brought up, on its side, when the force of
the current driving the lower part of the line
towards the surface, disclosed a perfect necklace of
large swanshot, and the shank of a No. 1 hook,
baited, as it seemed, with a small hard dumpling !
Mr. Chubb was petrified — Gorgouized— basi-
lisked I His heart and his legs gave way together,
and he sank into the elbow-chair ; his jaw locked,
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12 MR. CHUBB.
his eyes protruding in a fixed stare, and altogether
in physiognomy extremely like the fish called a
Pope or Rufi^, which, on being hooked, is said to
go into a sort of spasmodic fit, through surprise and
alarm.
However, disappointment and vexation gradually
gave way to indignation, and planting the chair
against the evergreen hedge, he mounted on the
seat, with a brace of objurgations on his lips —the
one adapted to a great hulking fellow, the other for
an infernal little boy; but before either found
vent, down he scrambled again, with breakneck
precipitation, and dropped into the seat To swear
was impossible — to threaten or vituperate quite out
of the question, or even to remonstrate. He who
had not the courage to be polite to a lady, to be
rude or harsh to one? — never ! What then could
he do ? Nothing, but sit staring at the great green
and white float, as it lay on its side, making a fussy
ripple in the water, till she chose to withdraw it
At last, after a very tedious interval, the
obnoxious object suddenly began to scud up the
stream, and then rising, with almost as much
splutter as a wild duck, flew into the neighbouring
garden. The swanshot and the hook flew after it,
but the little dumpling, parting asunder, had
escaped from the steel, and the halves separately
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MR. CHUBB. 13
drifted down with the current, each nibbled at by
its own circle of New River bleak.
Mr. Chubb waited a minute, and then fell to
angling again; but as silently, stealthily, and
sneakingly, as if instead of fishing in his own
waters he had been poaching in those of Cashio-
bury —
*' Because Lord Essex wouldn't give him leave.'*
But even this faint enjoyment was shortlived.
All at once he heard, to the left, a plash as if a
bull-frog or water-rat had plumped into the river,
and down came the great green and white nuisance,
again dancing past the private hedge, and waltzing
with every little eddy that came in its way. Of
course it would stop at the old spot— but no, its
tether had been indefinitely prolonged, and on it
came, bobbing and becking, till within a foot of the
little slim tipcapped quill of our Fisherman. He
instantly pulled up, but too late — the bottoms of
the two lines had already grappled. There was a
hitch and then a jerk — the swanshot with a centri-
fugal impulse went spinning round and round the
other tackle, till silk and gut were complicated in
an inveterate tangle. The Unknown, feeling the
resistance, immediately struck, and began to haul
in. The perplexed Bachelor, incapable of a
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14 MR. CHUBB.
<< Hallo ^" only blessed his own soul in a whisper,
and opposed a faint resistance. The strain in^
creased; and he held more firmly, desperately
hoping that his own line would give way: but,
instead of any such breakage, as if instinct with
the very spirit of mischief, the top joint of his
rod suddenly sprang out of its socket, and went
flying, as the other lithe top seemed to beckon it —
into HER garden I
It was gone, of course, for ever. As to applying
for it, little Smith would as soon have asked for
the ball that he had pitched through a pane of
plate glass into Mrs. Jones's drawing-room.
All fishing was over for the day; and the dis-
comfited Angler was about to unscrew his rod and
pack up, when a loud ^*hem!" made him start
and look towards the sound — and lo ! the unknown
Lady, having mounted a chair of her own, was
looking over the evergreen hedge and holding out
the truant top joint to its owner. The little shy
bashful Bachelor, still in a nervous agony, would
fain have been blind to this civility ; but the cough
became too importunate to be shirked, and blush-
ing till his very hair and whiskers seemed to redden
into carotty, he contrived to stumble up to the
fence and stammer out a jumble of thanks and
apologies.
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MR. CHUBB. 15
" Really ma'am — I'm extremely sorry — you're
too good— so very awkward — quite distressing — I'm
exceedingly obliged I'm sure— very warm indeed,'*
— and seizing the top-joint he attempted to retreat
with it, but he was not to escape so easily.
" Stop, sir !" cried one of the sweetest voices in
the world, " the lines are entangled."
" Pray don't mention it," said the agitated Mr.
Chubb, vainly fumbling in the wrong waistcoat
pocket for his penknife. " I'll cut it ma'am — I'll
bite it off."
"Oh, pray don't!" exclaimed the lady; "it
would be a sin and a shame to spoil such a beau-
tiful line. Pray what do you call it ?"
What an unlucky question. For the whole
world Mr. Chubb would not have named the
material — which he at last contrived to describe as
" a very fine sort of fiddle-string."
" Oh, I understand," said the Lady. " How
fine it is—and yet how strong. What a pity it is
in such a tangle ! But I think with a little time
and patience I can unravel it !"
" Really, ma'am, I'm quite ashamed — so much
trouble — allow me^ ma'am." And the little
Bachelor climbed up into his elbow-chair, where
he stood tottering with agitation, and as red in the
face, and as hot all over, as a boiling lobster.
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16 MR. CHUBB.
" I think, sir," suggested the Lady, " if you
would just have the goodness to hold these loops
open while I pass the other line through them — "
" Yes, ma'am, yes — exactly — by all means — "
and he endeavoured to follow her instructions, by
plunging the short thick fingers of each hand
into the hank; the Lady meanwhile poking her
float, like a shuttle, up and down, to and fro,
through the intricacies of the tangled lines.
« Bless my soul !" thought Mn Chubb, « what
a singular situation ! A lady I never saw before —
a perfect stranger I — and here I am face to face
with her — across a hedge — with our fingers twisting
in and out of the same line, as if we were playing
at cat's-cradle I"
CHAPTER IV.
" Heyday I It is a long job f" exclaimed the
Lady, with a gentle sigh.
« It is indeed, ma'am," said Mr. Chubb, with a
puff of breath as if he had been holding it the
whole time of the operation.
^< My fingers quite ache," said the Lady.
" I'm sure — Pm very sorry — I beg them a
thousand pardons," said Mr. Chubb, with a bow
to the hand before him. And what a hand it was !
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MR. CHUBB. 17
So white and so plump, with little dimples on the
knuckles, — and then such long taper fingers, and
filbert^like nails !
" Are you fond of fishing, sir?" asked the Lady,
with a full look in his face for the answer.
" O, very, ma'am — very partial indeed I"
" So am I, sir. It's a taste derived, I believe,
from my reading.**
" Then mayhap, ma'am,*' said Mr. Chubb, his
voice quavering at his own boldness, ^^if it isn't
too great a liberty — you have read the * Complete
Angler?'"
"What, Izaak Walton's? O, I dote on it!
The nice, dear old man ! So pious, and so senti-
mental !"
" Certainly, ma'am — as you observe — and so
uncommonly skilful."
" O ! and so natural ! and so rural ! Such sweet
green meadows, with honeysuckle hedges ; and the
birds, and the innocent lambs, and the cows, and
that pretty song of the milk-maid's !"
" Yes, ma'am, yes," said Mr. Chubb, rather
hastily, as if afraid she would quote it; and blush-
ing up to his crown, as though she had actually
invited him to " live with her and be her love."
" There was an answer written to it, I believe,
by Sir Walter Raleigh?"
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18
MR. CHUBB.
"There was, ma*am— or Sir Walter Scott— I
really forget which," stammered the bewildered
Bachelor, with whom the present tense had com-
pletely obliterated the past As to the future,
nothing it might produce would surprise him.
" Now, then, sir, we will try again I" And the
Lady resumed her task, in which Mr. Chubb
assisted her so eflFectually, that at length one line
obtained its liberty, and by a spring so sudden, as
to excite a faint scream.
"Gracious powers!" exclaimed the horrified
little man, almost falling from his chair, and
clasping his hands.
" I thought the hook was in my eye," said the
Lady; "but it is only in my hair." From which
she forthwith endeavoured to disentangle it, but
with so little success, that in common politeness
Mr. Chubb felt bound to tender his assistance.
It was gratefully accepted ; and in a moment the
most bashful of bachelors found himself in a more
singular position than ever — namely, with his short
thick fingers entwined with a braid of the glossiest,
finest, softest auburn htdr that ever grew on a female
bead.
" Bless my soul and body !" said Mr. Chubb to
himself; " the job with the gut and silk lines was
nothing to this!"
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MR. CHUBB. 19
CHAPTER V.
That wearisome hook I It clung to the tress in
which it had fastened itself with lover-like perti-
nacity ! In the mean time the Lady, to favour
the operation, necessarily inclined her head a little
downwards and sideways, so that when she looked
at Mr. Chubb, she was obliged to glance at him
from the comers of her eyes — as coquettish a
position as female artifice, instead of accident,
could have produced. Nothing, indeed, could be
more bewitching ! Nothing so disconcerting ! It
was a wonder the short thick fingers ever brought
their task to an end, they fumbled so abominably
— the poor man forgot what he was about so
frequently ! At last the soft glossy braid, sadly
disarranged, dropped again on the fair smooth
cheek.
" Is the hook out?" asked the Lady.
" It w, ma'am — ^thank God !" replied the little
Bachelor, with extraordinary emphasis and fervour ;
but the next moment making a grimace widely at
variance with the implied pleasure.
" Why it's in your own thumb !" screamed the
Lady, forgetting in her fright that it was a strange
gentleman's hand she caught hold of so uncere-
moniously.
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20 MR. CHUBB.
"It's nothing, ma'am — don't be alarmed; —
nothing at all — only — ^bless my soul, — ^how very
ridiculous !"
" But it must hurt you, sir."
" Not at all, ma'am— quite the reverse. I don't
feel it— I don't, indeed! — Merely through the skin,
ma'am, — and if I could only get at my pen-
knife "
"Where is it, sir?"
" Stop, ma'am —here — I've got it," said Mr.
Chubb, his heart beating violently at the mere idea
of the long taper fingers in his left waistcoat-pocket
— " But unluckily it's my right hand !"
"How very distressing!" exclaimed the lady;
"and all through extricating me !"
"Don't mention it, ma'am, pray don't — you're
perfectly welcome."
" If I thought," said the lady, " that it was only
through the skin — I had once to cut one out for
poor dear Mr. Hooker," and she averted her head
as if to hide a tear.
" She's a widow, then !" thought Mr. Chubb to
himself. " But what does that signify to me — and
as to her cutting out the hook, it's a mere act of
common charity."
And so, no doubt, it was ; for no sooner was the
operation performed, than dropping his hand as if
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MR. CHUBB. 21
it had been a stone^ or a brick, or a lump of clay,
she restored the penknife, and cutting short his
acknowledgments with a grave ^^ Good morning,
sir," skipped down from her chair, and walked off,
rod in hand, to her house.
Mr. Chubb watched her till she disappeared,
and then getting down from his own chair, took a
seat in it, and fell into a reverie, from which he
was only roused by putting his thumb and finger
into the wrong box, and feeling a pinch of gentles,
instead of snuff.
CHAPTER VI.
The next day Mr. Chubb angled as usual; but
with abated pleasure. His fishery had been dis-
turbed; his solitude invaded— he was no longer
Walton and Zimmerman rolled into one. From
certain prophetic misgivings he had even aban-
doned the costume of the craft, — and appeared in
a dress more suited to a public dinner than his
private recreation — a blue coat and black kersey-
mere trowsers— instead of the fustian jacket, shorts,
and leathern gaiters.
The weather was still propitious, but he could
neither confine his eye to his quill nor his thoughts
to the pastime. Every moment he expected to
hear the splash of the great green and white float,
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22 MR. CHUBB.
— and to see it come sailing into his swim. But
he watched and listened in vain. Nothing drifted
down with the current but small sticks and straws
or a stray weed, — nothing disturbed the calm sur-
face of the river, except the bleak, occasionally
rising at a fly. A furtive glance assured him that
nobody was looking at him over the evergreen
fence — for that day, at least, he had the fishery all
to himself, and he was beginning, heart and soul
to enjoy the sport, — when, from up the stream, he
heard a startling plunge, enough to frighten all the
fish up to London or down to Ware I The flop of
the great green and white float was a whisper to it
— but before he could frame a guess at the cause,
a ball of something, as big as hb own head,
plumped into his swim, with a splash that sent up
the water into his very face ! The next moment a
sweet low voice called to him by his name.
It was the Widow I He knew it without turning
his head. By a sort of mental clairvoyance he saw
her distinctly looking at him, with her soft liquid
hazel eyes, over the privet hedge. He immediately
fixed his gaze more resolutely on his float, and
determined to be stone deaf. But the manoeuvre
was of no avail. Another ball flew bomb-like
through the air, and narrowly missing his rod,
dashed — saluting him with a fresh sprinkle — into
the river !
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MR. CHUBB. 23
" Bless my soul,** thought Mr. Chubb, carefully
laying his rod across the arms of his elbow-chair
** when shall I get any fishing !"
" A fine morning, Mr. Chubb."
" Very, ma'am — very, indeed — quite remarkf-
able," stammered Mr. Chubb, bowing as he spoke,
plucking o£F his bat, and taking two or three un-
steady steps towards the fence.
" My gardener has made me some ground bait,
Mr. Chubb, and I told him to throw the surplus
towards your part of the river."
" You're very good, ma'am, — I'm vastly obliged
I'm sure," said the little Bachelor, quite over-
whelmed by the kindness, and wiping his face with
his silk handkerchief, as if it had just received the
favour of another sprinkle. " Charming weather,
ma'am !"
" Oh, delightful ! — It's quite a pleasure to be out
of doors. By the bye, Mr, Chubb, I'm thinking
of strolling— -do you ever stroll, sir?"
" Ever what?** asked the astounded Mr. Chubb,
his blood suddenly boiling up to Fever Heat
" For jack and pike, sir— I've just been reading
about it in the Complete Angler."
" O, she means troflinff" thought Mr. Chubb,
his blood as rapidly cooling down to temperate.
"Why, no, ma'am — no. The truth is,— asking
Digitized by VjOOQIC
24 MR. CUUBB.
your pardon,-^ there are no jack or pike, I believe,
in this water."
" Indeed ! That's a pity. And yet, after all,
I don't think I could put the poor frog on the
hook— and then sew up his mouth,— I'm sure I
couldn't!"
" Of course not, ma'am — of course not," said the
little Bachelor, with unusual warmth of manner, —
" You have too much sensibility."
^* Do you think, then, sir, that angling is cruel?"
" Why really, ma'am" — but the poor man had
entangled himself in a dilemma, and could get no
farther.
" Some persons say it is," continued the Lady,
— *^ and really to think of the agonies of the poor
worm on the hook— but for my part I always fish
with paste."
« Yes— I know it," thought Mr. Chubb,—" with
a little hard dumpling."
" And then it is so much cleaner," said the lady.
" Certainly, ma'am, certainly," replied Mr.
Chubb, with a particular reference to a certain
very white hand with long taper fingers. " Nothing
like paste, ma'am — or a fly — if it was not a liberty, ^
ma'am, I should think you would prefer an artifi-
cial fly."
" An artificial one ! — O, of all things in the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
MR. CHUBB. 25
world !" exclaimed the Lady with great animation.
" That cannot feel ! — But then" — and she shook her
beautiful head despondingly — " they are so hard to
make. I have read the rules for artificial flies in
the book, — and what with badger's hair, and cock's
cackles (she meant hackles), and whipping your
shanks (she meant the hook's), and then drubbing
your fur (she meant dubbing with fur), O, I never
could do it !"
Mr. Chubb was silent He had artificial flies in
his pocket-book, and yearned to ofier one — ^but,
deterred by certain recollections, he shrank from
the task of affixing it to her line. And yet to
oblige a lady — and such ar fine woman too — and
besides the light fall of a fly on the water would
be so much better than the flopping of that abomi-
nable great green and white float ! — Yes, he would
make the ofler of it, and he did. It was graciously
accepted, — ^the rod was handed over the hedge,
and the little Bachelor, — at a safe distance, — took
ofi*, with secret satisfaction, the silk line, its ^reat
green and white float, its swanshot, the No. 1 hook
and its little hard dumpling. He then substituted
a fine fly-line, with a small black ant-fly, and when
all was ready, presented the apparatus to the lovely
Widow, who was profuse in her acknowledgments.
*^ There never was such a beautiful fly," she sAtid,
TOL. II. C
Digitized by VjOOQIC
26 MR. CHUBB.
" but the diflBculty was how to throw it. She was
only a Tryo (she meant a Tyro), and as such must
throw herself on his neighbourly kindness, for a
little instruction."
This information, as well as he could by precept
and example, with a hedge between, the little
Bachelor contrived to give ; and then dismissed his
fair pupil to whip for bleak ; whilst with an internal
<^ Thank Heaven!" he resumed his own appara-
tus, and began to angle for perch, roach, dace,
gudgeons, — or anything else.
But his gratitude was premature — his float had
barely completed two turns, when he heard himself
hailed again from the privet hedge.
*« Mr. Chubb ! Mr. Chubb I"
"At your service, ma'am."
" Mr. Chubb, you will think me shockingly awk-
ward, but I've switched oflF the fly, — ^your beautiful
fly, — somewhere among the evergreens.**
Slowly the Angler pulled up his line — at the
sacrifice of what seemed a very promising nibble —
and carefully deposited his rod again across the
arms of the elbow chair.
"Bless my soul and body!" muttered Mr.
Chubb, as he selected another fly from his pocket-
book, — " when shall I ever get any fishing !"
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MR. CHUBB. 27
CHAPTER VII.
Poor Mr. Chubb I
How little he dreamt — ^in all his twelve years
dreamiDg, of ever retiring from trade into such a
pretty business as that in which he found himself
involved ! How little he thought, whilst studying
the instructive dialogues of Venator and Viator
with Piscator, that he should ever have a pupil in
petticoats hanging on his own lips for lessons in
the gentle art ! Nor was it seldom that she
required his counsel or assistance. Scarcely had
his own line settled in the water, when he was
summoned by an irresistible voice to the evergreen
fence, and requested to perform some trivial office
for a fair Neophyte, with the prettiest white hand,
the softest hazel eyes, and the silkiest auburn hair
he had ever seen. Sometimes it was to put a bait
on her hook-^-sometimes to take ofp a fish — ^now to
rectify her float — and now to screw or uncrew her
rod. Not a day passed but the little Bachelor
found himself f^ a tite with the lovely Widow,
across the privet hedge.
Little he thought, the while, that she was fishing
for him, and that he was pouching the bait I But
so it was : — ^for exactly six weeks from the day when
c2
Digitized by VjOOQIC
28 MR. CHUBB.
Mr. Chubb caught his first Bleak — Mrs. Hooker
beheld at her feet her first Chubb !
What she did with him needs not to be told.
Of course she did not give him away, like Venator's
chub, to some poor body ; or baste him, as Pbcator
recommends, with vinegar or verjuice. The pro-
bability is that she blushed, smiled, and gave him
her hand; for if you walk, Gentle Reader, to
Enfield, and inquire concerning a certain row of
snug little villas, with pleasure-grounds bounded
by the New River, you will learn that two of the
houses, and two of the gardens, and two of the
proprietors have been " thrown into one.**
<^ And did they fish together, sir, after their
marriage?"
Never ! Mr. Chubb, indeed, often angled from
morning till night, but Mrs. C. never wetted a line
from one year's end to another.
EPIGRAM.
THE 8UPERI0RITT OP MACHINERV.
A Mechanic his labour will often discard
If the rate of his pay he dislikes ;
But a clock — ^and its case is uncommonly hard-
Will continue to work though it strikes.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
29
A CUSTOM-HOUSE BREEZE.
One day — ^no matter for the month or year,
A Calais packet, just come over,
And safely moor*d within the pier.
Began to land her passengers at Dover;
All glad to end a voyage long and rough,
And during which,
Through roll and pitch.
The Ocean-King had ^icAophants enough !
Away, as &st as they could walk or run.
Eager for steady rooms and quiet meals.
With bundles, bags, and boxes at their heels.
Away the passengers all went, but one,
A female, who from some mysterious check,
Still lingered on the steamer*s deck.
As if she did not care for land a tittle.
For horizontal rooms, and cleanly victual —
Or nervously afraid to put
Her foot
Into an Isle described as <* tight and little."
In vain commissioner and touter,
Porter and waiter throng'd about her ;
Digitized by VjOOQIC
30 A CUSTOM-HOUSE BREEZE.
Boring, as such officials only bore —
In spite of rope and barrow, knot, and truck,
Of plank and ladder, there she stuck^
She couldn't, no, she wouldn't go on shore.
** But, ma'am," the steward interfered,
" The wessel must be cleared.
You musn't stay aboard, ma'am^ no one don't !
It's quite agin the orders so to do —
And all the passengers is gone but you."
Says she, " I cannot go ashore and won't ! "
"You ought to!"
"But I can't I"
"You must!"
« I shan't !"
At last, attracted by the racket,
'Twixt gown and jacket.
The captain came himself, and cap in hand,
Begged very civilly to understand
Wherefore the lady could not leave the packet
" Why then," the lady whispered with a shiver,
That made the accents quiver,
" Tve got some foreign silks about me pinn'd.
In short so many things, all contraband.
To tell the truth I am afraid to limd.
In such a searching wind !"
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31
A VERY SO-SO CHARACTER.
** I TAKE it for granted," said Mrs. Wiggins, in-
quiring as to the character of a certain humble
companion, ^Uhat she is temperate, conversible,
and willing to make herself agreeable?"
"Quite," replied Mrs. Figgins, "Indeed^ I
never knew a young person so A>ber, so «?ciable,
and 80 A>licitous to please."
NOTES ON SHAKSPEARE.
It is singular that none of the commentators on
"The Merry Wives of Windsor" have hitherto
attributed to Sir John Fahtaff^k tampering with the
Black Art of Magic There are at least as plau-
sible grounds for such a supposition, as for some of
the most elaborate of their conjectures, for not only
does the Fat Knight undertake to personate that
Witch the Wise Woman of Brentford, but he ex-
pressly hints to us that he himself was a Wizard,
and popularly known as " Jack with his Familiars^
A proof of the antiquity of the practice of letting
lodgings, or offices for merchants and lawyers, has
been equally overlooked by the Annotators. It
occurs, indeed, more than once, and in words that
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32 NOTES ON SHAKSPEARE.
might serve for a bill in a modern window —
namely, " Chambers let off.^^
NOTE ON "kino JOHN."
Prince Arthur, — Must yon with hot irons burn out both my eyes ?
Hubert, — Yooog boy, I must
In the barbarous cruelty proposed to be prac-
tised on Prince Arthur there appears to be some
coincidence with a theory brought forward of late
years, in reference to the Hanoverian Heir- Apparent ;
namely, that by the ancient laws of Germany the
sovereignty could not be exercised by a person
deprived of the sense of sight. ' Although " death "
Vas indicated by the royal uncle in his conference
with Hubert, it would seem as if John, shrinking
from the guilt of actual murder, had subsequently
contented himself with orc^ering that the young
" serpent on his path" should be rendered incapa-
ble of reigning by the loss of his eyes. It was a
particular act, intended for an especial purpose,
expressly commanded by warrant, and Hubert was
" sworn to do it"
Supposing, therefore^ that the intention was sim-
ply to blind the victim, to disable him from the
throne, not to inflict unnecessary torture, or endan-
ger life, it is humbly suggested to future painters
and stage-managers, that the inhuman deed would
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NOTES ON 8HAK8PEARE. 33
not have been performed with great chimsy instru-
ments like plumbers' irons, but more probably with
heated metal skewers or bodkins, as the eyes of
singing birds have been destroyed by fanciers —
though for a different reason — with red-hot knit-
ting-needles.
" MY EYE8 I THERE'S A MOUSE ! '
PARTY SPIRIT.
" Why did you not dine," said a Lord to a Wit,
" With the Whigs, you political sinner?"
*^ Why, really I meant, but had doubts how the Pit
Of my stomach would bear a Fox Dinner."
c6
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34
NEWS FROM CfflNA.
Of the genuineness of the following letters there
can be no doubt: the parties are all known to
us, and if necessary, we could swear to the hand-
writing. But the internal evidence will satisfy any
competent judge who knows any thing, by books or
travel, of the Celestial Empire. No corrections
have been attempted, whether in style or in the
orthography (for example, Morphius for Morpheus,
and Romus for Remus, in No. II.) ; and the only
suppressions are of real names, and a few domestic
particulars too private for the public. — Ed.
NO. L
TO MR. ABEL DOTTIN, GROCEB, MANCHESTER.
Dear Brother, — In spite of diflTerings and I
must say harshness on some points, you will be
delighted to hear I have at last got a letter from
dear Gus. How it came I do not quite know, but
a most gratifying one to maternal feelings, and I
should hope to others, however some people's prog-
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NEWS FROM CHINA, 35
nostifications are proved to be in the wrong. But
I am not going to triumph over any one, tho' if I
did, motherly joy might be my excuse, for her
pride will rise up when a beloved son turns out such
as to justify my fondest hopes, and do honour to
her system of bringing up. That repays for all.
Nobody knows the sacrifices I have gone through
for his sake, indeed, such as nothing would recon«
cile to, except the reflection, it was all for his dear
welfare, whatever others might think to the con-
trary. I have pinched myself in many ways both
inside and out, and even more than prudence or
health dictated, or even keeping up appearances ;
but a mother, like a pelican of the wilderness, will
go shabby genteel or any thing for a beloved child.
For of course his outfitting came very heavy, and
I had to part with the Japan buffet and all my
beautiful old chiney to make him fit for the Celes-
tial Empire. Not to name all his little desidera-
tums, which at such a time I could not grudge or
refuse any thing he set his heart on to an only
departing son for a foreign land As is more than
some people perhaps will simpathise with, but uncles
an't mothers. Indeed, his goold watch and other
nicknacks ran rather over than under your kind
thirty pound. Then what with bullock trunks and
regimentals and other items, besides chains and
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36 NEWS FROM CHINA.
trinkets to barter with the natives, came to a pretty
penny, so as obliged me to sell out of my long
annuities, and has sadly scrimped a narrow income.
However I am now repaid for all my efforts and
privations, and only my due and prc^r reward for
my own sagacity and foresight in putting my dear
Gus in a line of life adapted to his uncommon
cleverness. Some people I know thought other-
wise, but in common justice ought to acknowledge
I always predicted my son would be a ihining
character. Those were my very words, and they
have literally come as true as if I had been a for-
tune-telling gipsy. So much for cultivating genius,
and which you'll excuse my saying, the mother it
springs from must naturally know more about than
even the best of uncles. Indeed, you know your-
self, to be candid, I always said he was a genius
out of the common way, and was the first to put it
into his head. And now I have reason to be
thankful that I never thwarted him, as some people
wished, but always let him have his own way in
every thing, and the consequence is, instead of his
being a plodding tradesman, or a low mechanick,
my Augustus has distinguished himself as a shining
character, and for what we know may be at this
very moment a Colonel, a General, or a Plenipeni-
tentiary. Every bodies nevies do not get up to
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 37
Hiat! As for himself, poor fellow, whatever other
people may have said or done agin him, it is plain
he harbours no malice or anymosity, or he wouldn't
joke so good-humoured about your pigtail. But
he always was of a forgiving disposition, bless him,
and a generous nature besides, and no doubt when
he comes back will bring heaps of foreign presents
for all hb friends and relatives. For my own part
I seem to see the house turned into a perfect
British Museum, what with great porcelain jars,
and little tiny shoes, and bows and arrows, and the
frightfuUest staring idols. And the Chinese make
the most beautiful carved ivory fans. So I need
not grudge the Japan buffet and the old chiney, —
and instead of going shabby genteel, who knows
but I may some day go to routs and parties, in a
rich filial dlk, and be fetched home with a splendid
illuminated lantern ? But those are pictures some
people won't or can't enter into, so I say no more.
But it stands to reason one's sister must surely
reflect more credit on him properly consulting
appearances according to her rank in life, and
handsomely dressed and set off as if she had just
walked out of the Book of Beauty, than if she
had just come out of Mrs. Bundle's Domestic
Cookery — which is too often the case.
I enclose dear Gussy's letter, of which I hope you
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38 NEWS FROM CHINA.
will take religious care of, and not file it into holes
like a common trumpery business letter, as some in
trade are too apt. Some sentences read oddish,
but you must not be set agin it by his style, which
to be sure ought not to be exactly like other
people's who have no shining parts* At any rate,
it shows uncommon cleverness and a good heart
I don't mind owning I enjoyed a good cry over
those infantile Chinese fondlings, and then that .
savage monkey! But some people are of more
untender natures, not having had any family of
their own. How would you like yotar Gus if you
had one to be shot and peppered at by a set of
long pigtailed savages, contrary to all laws human
and divine, as if he was no better than a preserved
pheasant or a poached hare? I do hope the
wretches will be well civilized for it with a broad-
side ! But what can one expect from such wicked
heathens ? I only hope he won't be tempted ashon
among them, but he's very venturesome, for it
they once catch my dear Gus, near any of their
nasty Joss houses, they will idolize him as sure as
fate!
A full sheet compels to conclude with my love —
with which your nevy if he was here would unite
— ^but alas there's oceans between. Lord preserve
him from that and all other perils by sea and
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 39
land, not forgetting the barbarous inhabitants of
China and Tartarus ! With which I remain, dear
Brother,
Your affectionate sister,
Jemima Budge.
Wisbech, 13 October. '
NO. IL
Dear Mother, — Since my last from the Cape,*
I suppose you have been in a regular slow fever of
maternal solicitude to hear of my arrival among
the Mandarines — enquiring at every Tea Ware-
house and Crockery shop whether they have heard
any thing from Canton, and expecting twelve
general posts a day, and twenty particular ones
with a letter from " my son in China."
Well, here it is at last, warranted oriental, and
if it don't go thro' the parish like the Asiatic
Cholera I know nothing about letters from sons in
foreign parts. Of course Mrs. Dewdny will have
the first reading of it and Mrs. Spooner the last, as
she always has of her own novelties in her Circu-
lating Library. I think I see her with her hands
flapping up and down, and hear her clucking with
her tongue and saying,
" Well — dear me — I never 1 To think of Mister
< This letter never reached its destination.
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40 NEWS FBOM CHINA.
Gustavus being where all the tea comes from
By the by^ Mrs. B., you don't want any real
Howqua ? — and the lacUes can't walk for their little
shoes — Captain Bidding's you know — well, I'll
order Lord Jocelyn — in catty packages, you see,
ma'am — ^for the Library — and so Mbter Gustavus
really is at Kang Tong — did you ever read Letters
from the Dead to the Living ? — ^well I never ! —
dear me I "
However, here I am — ^knocking about in the
Chinese waters, not black or green though, as Mrs.
Spooner would suppose, but decidedly yellow. Just
fancy an ocean of pea-soup, such as you used to
make at home and then talk* of throwing it over the
house,— quite as thick and of the same colour,
with lots of weeds floating about in it like the mint,
but whole instead of crumbled — ^in short, so like
the real thing that I was spoon enough to taste it ;
and really it might pass for work-house pea-soup,
only salted with rather a heavy hand
Well, after soup, fish — and what do you think of
square miles of it, as we neared the land, — whole
shoals, big and little, from sprats up to porpuses,
with strange sorts never seen before, all floating on
the surface belly upwards, just like old Parking-
ton's carp when somebody had hocussed them with
Cockulus Indicus.
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 41
However, this time it was that old buffer Com-
missioner Lin who had poisoned all the finny and
scaly tribes by throwing such lots of opium into the
river at Canton. Even the gulls were affected by
it, from feeding on the small fry, and sat rocking
on the waves dead asleep. So the drug really
must be as diliterious as the Quakers said it is —
even if we had not come across a more striking
proof of it, namely a man-of-war's launch with a
middy and twelve hands in her, all as fast as tops,
and as hard to be waked up as Dr. Watts's sluggard.
Luckily there was oceans of cold pig at hand, and
didn't we give it them, as Dibdin says, with the
gravy, which at last brought them to their senses,
when it appeared that hearing so much talk about
opium, and finding a package of it adrift, they had
chawed a little out of curiosity, which being an
overdose had sent them all into the land of Nod.
On comparing notes they had been drifted about
three whole days and nights in the arms of Morfius.
We got some capital yams out of them, telling
their dreams, turn and turn about, and the middy's
was, that he had been down in Bedfordshire a week
of wet Sundays, and dozing all the time as fast as
a church in the family pew.
Poor feUows ! it was lucky we picked them up,
before falling into the power of the pigtails instead
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42 NEWS FROM CHINA.
of the niDetails — ^for they had two dozen a piece on
rejoining their ship, but one of them, an old deep
file, took another dose of the opium beforehand,
and so was flogged in his sleep, they say, without
feeling it, which if true, beats somambulism by
long chalks.
Well, the next morning the watch reported that
the ship was surrounded with floating spars and
timbers, some being black and charred, from which
we concluded either that some ship had been acci-
dentally burnt and blown up, or else that hostilities
had begun with the Chinese, and which proved to
be the fact One of our gun-brigs had had a brush
the day before with a fleet of mandarin boats, and
of course beat them into fits in no lime ; but with
consequences rather inconvenient to the winners.
You know we have in the river Thames a floating
Chapel and a floating Infirmary, but what do you
think of a floating Foundling Hospital ?
However it's fact: and here's the way of it, up
and down. The Chinese towns are very populous,
so much so that there isn't room for half the inha-
bitants on dry land, and accordingly hundreds and
thousands of families live, where you wouldn't,
namely on the water, in regular swimming houses,
with no ground-floors. This arrangement of course
prevents the rising generation from playing as ours
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 43
does about the streets, so they play about the deck
instead, which being wet and slippery it often hap-
pens that some of them, especially what you call
the little toddles, plump overboard, and would be
drowned but for a great empty calibash that their
mothers tie to their backs, and which acting like a
cork jacket keeps the dear little ducklings afloat,
till their industrious parents are at leisure to haul
them out with a long boat-hook. An operation
they never hurry themselves about, knowing the
darlings are perfectly safe; as well as doing their
own washing, while the young uns from the same
sense of security are far from particular about their
footing, but drop in and float about as if they were
paid for doing it, like the aquatic actors at Sadler's
Wells.
Well, you see when the mandarin boats bore
down on the gun-brig she began to fire away like
blazes, right and left, and one or two of the random
balls falling among die floating houses, the proprie-
tors considered it as a notice to quit, and away
they went belter skelter — save quipeu^ which is the
French for devil take the hindmost, some up the
river and some into the canals, — whole Water
Lanes and River Terraces moving off in double
quick, with such screaming and howling, they say,
as never was heard. In such a skurry the juveniles
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44 NEWS FROM CHINA.
got knocked overboard like fun, some of the un-
pleasant or snubbed children in large families
perhaps getting a kick on purpose, however in they
went, plump after plump, like frogs frightened into
a pond, — ^the brig all the while kicking up a regu-
lar smother, and chattering away like thunder as
long as she could get an answer, and rather longer.
At last she stopped firing, and the smoke clearing
off, lo and behold there was not a mandarin boat
in sight — the swimming town had gone into the
country, and all round the ship the sea was alive
with little Chinese brought down by the ebb tide,
all floating about with their life-preservers, and
screaming like seap-gulls for their absent fathers
and mothers.
As common humanity required, they were all
picked up and taken aboard the brig, one hundred
and sixty-four in all, from a year upwards, and
after a little warm grog apiece, which some took
naturally and others quite the reverse, the cap-
tain sent them all off in the gig and the cutter,
with a white ensign to each boat Not that the
Chinese would mind firing on a flag of truce,
which they did so unmercifully that the officers in
charge out of humanity gave orders to pull round,
and brought all the little innocents aboard again,
as well as some six or seven more which they had
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NEWS FBOM CHINA. 45
picked up in their passage. Well, when Captain
saw them all come back on his hands, he
looked at them, they say, like an ogre, for he
thought the barbarians had contrived it on purpose,
to prevent his fighting his ship, and he swore, so
soon as the flood made, he would heave the brats
overboard every cherub, and let them tide back
again. But when the time come, being a family
man himself, his heart always misgave, — so the
children remained aboard, — and there was Her
Majesty's gunbrig the turned into a regular
Foundling Hospital.
By good luck our commander took me with him
on a visit to the brig, and sure enough she was
literally swarming with little flat-faced Chinese,
some put to bed 3 and 4 in a hammock, and the
rest sprawling about the decks, each looked after
by a strapping he-nursemaid six foot high, — the
carpenter's nurseling excepted, which being called
off to a job he had tied by the leg to a ring bolt
And oh, thinks I, if my dear motherly mother could
but see the boatswdn ; — a great red-faced monster,
almost as hairy as the beast that suckled Romulus
and Romus, a sitting on a carronade, with a brown
foundling on each knee, one getting up a squall
and the other sick, from being tried with a soft
quid of tobacco, because it couldn't manage hard
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46 NEWS FROM CHINA.
biscuit ! And then the noise ! — for at least half of
the children were screeching like parakeets, I don't
think for want of toys, for one had a marlinspike,
and another the tarbrush, and another an old swab,
but by degrees the whole kit of innocents on deck
had set up their pipes as if King Herod had got
among them,— and nobody knew why. Some
thought it was at the black cook, and others said
the Newfoundland dog — however the secret came
out at last
"Forward there !** sings out the first leftenant,
" what is that noise ?"
" Why then, if you please, sir,** says the coxon,
'^< it's all along of the ship's monkey. He's got so
infamal jealous of our nussin and fondlin the
Chinee babbies, that he's crept round on the sly
and give 'em all a bite apiece !"
What became of the interesting Foundlings after-
wards, I don't know to a certainty, our ship being
ordered off the same day to proceed up the river;
but somebody said, that the captain exchanged the
whole boiling for the Newfoundland dog, which had
somehow been inveigled on shore by the Chinese.
As yet our ship had never fired a gun except by
way of salute. In going up the river, a few shot had
been aimed at us which our commander wouldn't
condescend to answer. Our fellows have indeed
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 47
the greatest contempt for the Chinese batteries,
which they call their piany jbrts. At last we got
liberty to return their compliments, and I deter-
mined to have a shy at the pigtails, so I had a gun
run out forward, took aim at a Joss-house, and
fired it off with my own hand, — ^bang I whiz I and
away flew the ball howling through the air. Where
it went or what mischief it did I have no notion ;
but after watching a minute the captain sings out,
"Who laid that gun?"
" I did, sir," was my reply.
" Mr. Budge," says he, " you will be a shining
character."
« I hope, sir, I shalL"
None of us have yet been allowed to land, but
we hope soon to have a spree on shore. Some of
the fellows in the gun-brig have been into the
country and had a famous lark. Such cockshying
at the China jars ! Such chevying after the natives
for their tails ! and finishing off with a row in a
Joss-house, which they set fire to, after dragging
out the Idol, a regular old Guy, and running him
up, Jack Ketch fashion, to the bough of a tree. If
that does not convert the pagans I don't know
what will I
Some day I suppose it will be our turn to have a
set-to with the war junks, or an army battle ashore.
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48 NEWS FROM CHINA.
in which case unless he gets knocked into the
Tiger's Mouth, or is chopped in two by a two-
handed sword, or has a wriggle like an eel, on an
ugly sort of three-pronged spear, there is a chance
of Mr. Gustavus covering himself with glory, as
well as coming in for part of the swag. One of
the middies of the gun-brig told me, that he had
for bis own share fourteen tails, three pair of chop-
sticks, a beautiful ivory fan, carved as delicate as
Brussels lace, two rattan shields, a fighting quml,
three odd women's shoes, a state parasol, and a
superb lantern ! No bad lot, and says you wouldn't
the lantern look well in our passage at home, I
should say Hall, and lighted up with gas.
In the mean time our jacks and jollies are full
of the best spirit, and only want a chance to
slaughter the Chinamen like pigs. And sarve 'em
right, they say, for calling Her Gracious Majesty
Queen Victoria a Barbarian Eye — ^besides which,
they have a notion of their own, that the war is
intended to force the Chinese to smoke and chew
'backy instead of opium, and therefore a very just
and legitimate business, and even of a friendly
character. Be that as it may the natives do not
seem to relish the sport It's a very good game as
the hoop said to the stick, only I get all the licks.
But it is time to belay. Tell uncle Abel, with
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NEWS FROM CHINA* 49
my duty to him, he may cut off his queue as
soon as he likes, for Til send him one six times as
thick, and twelve times as long, if I kill a mandarin
on purpose* Likewise a Swan-pauj being quite
in his line. Cousin R ouzel may depend on a
Thmff-lo to charm his bees with; and Susan shall
have a pair of ladies' shoes almost too small for
this world. As for yourself, you would not object I
dare say to a Pow-ka — some of the swell mandarins
by the way are first chop dandies, with splendid
satin pelisses and silk petticoats that would make
up easily into gowns — a Chiii-tow of course, and
maybe you would like a Kcmg. You have only to
say which you would prefer, and it shall come by
the first ship and no mistake. I should like to see
you in a Kew !
With love and duty to yourself, and remembrances
to all friends and relatives,
I am.
Dear Mother,
Your affectionate Son,
Augustus Budge.
P. S.-*— Since the above a native^boat has come
alongside and I've done a little barter. One of
my rings for a fishing cormorant, and the amethyst
brooch for a regular game cricket
VOL. n. D
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50 NEWS FBOM CHINA.
NO. III.
TO MRS. BUDOE, WISBECH.
Dear Sister, — ^This is to acnollige your fever
of the 13th currant includin one from my Nevy.
And am sorry to observe he have put no Date to it
which is neglectin what I call one of the three
correspondin Ws, — namely When Where and
What
As for you and me difering its what we always
did and always shall do like the 2 sides of an
Account Becos why whatever you place to Credit
on one Side I set down Per Contra. For exampel
what you call propper spirit I call impudence and
what you considder generosity I consider extravi-
gance. Thats how we don't ballance. Time will
show whose Itums was the correctest, yours or
Some Peoples, a Firm I Know as well as if their
Names & Addresses was in the Directry & not
many doors ofiP from my own. But its early days
to say Im no Profit afore knowing more of the
returns And for all that apears as yet you may have
a bad Speck in your Sun.
As such I am sorry to hear of your Sellin out
Stock & narrowin your Incum, partickly as it was
under 150 afore, & so no savin as to the Tax,
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 51
Also your pinchin Yourself in Your vitdes^ & in
course narrowin your Figger in that way too,
whidi is more then I would for any dear Gus in
the world. But as you say I cant feel like a
Muther, & am glad I cant* I am neither so soft
in the Hed nor so tender brested, like the Pellican
you rite of & which I take it must be some sort of
forin Goose, to go Shylockin a pound of flesh from
my own buzum to satisfy extravigant bills. And
that such is the case is proved by your own Entries
as to uniforms and trinkits and so forth, whereby
my thirty Pound have gone it appears for Dux and
Drakes instead of buying his Sextons and Squad-
rons and other nortical Instruments. What bisness
has a yung fellow jist startin in Ufe with little
desideratums? There was no such things in my
time — ^no nor bullocks trunks nayther, ony elefants.
So in course thats a sham entry. Praps insted of
a goold snuff box to match his repeter. Or praps
for a dandifide sute of Close, to wear turn about
with his uniform, for the last time I had the
pleasure, my Nevy reminded me a good deal of a
Monky. Which reminds me if you want his picter
in his absence, there's the very moral of him, in
old Snitch's the tailer's winder, drawn and cullerd
at full lenth, as a sample of the last ally mode. I
mean the one a switching a little refined lickerish
d2
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52 NEWS FROM CHINA.
boot, as no man with a grate Toe could get his
foot into. He's the very iminage ! Now in my
yunger days a respectabel yuth was content with a
decent coat and hat, and provided he could go into
church with a clean shirt, well blackt Boots, and a
pair of unholy gloves. But them was plain Johns,
not dear Gusses. As to his goold Watch its like
his impudence when his Uncle have gone thro life
with a Pinch back — and whats more never had a
Watch at all till five an twenty. The Cock was
my Crow-nometer. Four in summer and six in
winter from years end to years end. But I supose
erly risin was none of my Nevy's babbits and till
12 or 1 he would have been letting himself down
by getting up. The later the genteeler, — and I
have herd of one fashonable religius lady in Lonnon
who always got up singing the Evening Hym.
However thats your way of bringin up, namely to
give a sun his own way in every thing, which being
a very take it esy stile of edicating to my mind
hardly justifies a Parent in bragging of it so much
as she do in your letter. It would have been better
praps to have thwarted a little more, for all his
lively parts. My flebit Horse in the Spring cart
is much such a Grenus, with a remarkable tallent
for Kickin, and not unclever at backin, and an
uncommon quickness at running away. But I dont
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 53
give him his Hed for all that He would soon be
distributing orders at rong doors if I did. But
says you dear Gus isn't ment for a plodding
tradesman. He's to be a shining caracter, as to
which it seam to me, from the letter, my Nevy's
cannon bullet went nowheres watever, and the
Captin only intended to say he'd be such a shining
caracter as a mackrel, when its good for nuthing.
As to his Corrispondance, not having your
advantige of a hording Skool edication, I am no
judge of stiles, how geouses ort to rite or not, but
it do seem to me, from my own pickings up about
the streets that he have much the same flashes of
Fancy as the littel dirty ragged genuses that inquire
arter strange gentlemens muthers, and if so be
they have parted with their mangles. Still to give
the Devil his do, as the saying is, there is parts of
his letter not so much amiss. The Yellow See
reads almost like filosoiy — ^and the Opuim bisness
sounds correct, and so does the Chiney Orfins, tho
I cant weep over them being as you say a Batcheler,
and therefor all the children I havent got are to
be chuckt in my teeth. The same of your own
pictur of yourself which not being a Femal I cant
fancy myself into, any more than you can fancy
yourself into my inwizible green and drab shorts.
All I can say is I hope I may live to see it, Lantern
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54 NEWS FROM CHINA.
and all, and dear Gas a ridin arter you on an
Slefant, like a nabob, or a Mandarin, which
reminds of his libberty taken with my tie. As to
cuttin it off praps I may, to leave as a legacy. In
the mean while he may keep his Shan Pan to fry
his own fish in. If he had been reely solicitus to
please, a pair of them noddin figures, such as
stands in some grocer's shop winders, would have
been a more likely and nateral present
I think now I have answered every pint in your
fiaver: and have only one thing to add namely
trade is dredful flat, and money uncommon scarse
and tight every where, which I mention in case that
you or my Nevy may not look to me for the needful
in any dilemmy as is far from unprobable. I have
no more thirty pounds to give away: and as to
lendin on lone, of course it will be expected without
sekurity from a Nateral Unkle, wheras the Unna-
teral ones always gets something or other if its ony
a flat irun for their advances.
With which I remane
Dear Sister
Your loving Bruther,
Abel Dottin.
Manchester,
October the 26tb, 1842.
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NEWS FROM CHINA* 55
NO. IV.
TO MR. ABEL DOTTIK, OROCEB, MANCHESTER.
Dear Brother, — A violent cold having flown
tx> my chest, I am too ill to enjoy retorting and reta-
liating, and which must plead my apology for not
recrimmating at more length. As such you must
excuse my not resenting serealim every point in
your last letter, and making you thoroughly ashamed
of yourself and your unnatural sentiments. I allude
particularly to your taking refuge as an Uncle in the
character of a Pawnbroker, and declining loans to
your nearest ties, except on the usual sharking
terms of those moral monsters. But trade hardens
every thing. It teaches to adulterate our genuine
feelings witii sordid ingredients, and to weigh the
just claims of consanguity in scales that are any
thing but correct
Grracious heavens I where is a sister or a nevy to
look up to for assbtance if needful, but to a rich
connexion without chick or child, rolling in wealth;
and where I venture to say, every shilling he
advances will be to his everlasting credit I O,
brother, consider your nevy's propinquity ! Your
sister's own son — and if ever a youth exhibited a
decided propensity to get elevated, its him. I do
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56 NEWS FROM CHINA.
hope, therefore, you will reflect before you shirk
one so likely to redound upon you as dear Gus.
Already by his native genius, improved by talent,
he has arrived at a pitch of splendour to which few
sons rise in the East ; and of course the greater his
eminence and prosperity, the more he will reflect
on his relations. To be sure, if a nevy was going
down in the world instead of up, some people might
feel justified in backing him with a cold shoulder;
but where he promises wealth, a£9uence, and opu-
lence, rank, title, and dignity, to cut one's own
flesh and blood must be perfect infatuation ! And
suppose a little pecunery assistance teas necessary
to his exaltation, ought the laudible heights of hia
ambition to be chilled and snowed upon by a cold
calculating passimony, and let him be arrested on
the high-road to fame and fortune, for want of a
trifle, as 1 may say, to pay the gates? What's a
paltry 50/. for such a figure in China ! And that
dear Gus has turned out a phenomena, is plain
from his own account So great a rise in life of
course demands a corresponding study of appear-
ances,— ^but as transpires, poor fellow, from his
letter, he has lost all his linnen and clothes. Such
a misfortune must and shall be remedied, whatso-
ever shifts I may have to make, or if I strip myself
to my last dividend For I presume even t/ou
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NBW8 FROM CHINA. 57
would not wish your nevy to be a General without
a shirt, or a Colonel without inexpressibles, and
especially when he has attracted, as I may say, the
Eyes of Europe. A nevy who may some day have
to be sculptured, collossially, and set up on a
prancing charging horse, over a triumphant arch.
But some people may treat such a picture as
chimerical, though quite as wonderful metamor-
phoses have come down to us. Look at fioney-
parte, who at first was only an engineer officer, like
Mr. Braidwood, and yet came to be Emperor of
the French. Or look at Washington, who from a
common American soldier rose to be king of the
whole republic ! For my own part I will say for
my son, it as been my constant aim to instil genius
into him, morning, noon, and night, and to culti-
vate a genteel turn for either the army, or the navy,
or the church. The last, I own, would have been
most congenial to my maternal wishes, for besides
the safety of a pulpit, a soldier or a sailor when
peace comes is a moral non- entity, but there is no
peace in the church. However dear Gus would
never hear of a shovel hat and a silk apron, and
especially at the present time, when, as I under-
stand, the clergy is to go back to their ancient,
antiquated costume, and put on their old-fashioned
rubrics. As to the law he never could abide a chan-
D 5
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58 NEWS FROM CHINA.
cellor's wig and gown, and indeed always showed
a perfect antipathy to anything legal. So far, then,
the Chinese war was a blessing, and all has turned
out for the best; for dear Gus has attsdned to
martial glory, quite unusual at his age, and if a
parent may predict, will some day be made a peer
of, like Welliogton, and hand himself down to pos-
terity with his family arms.
In the mean time I have packed up for him a
dozen ready-made shirts, together with such money
as I could scrape up, namely four sovereigns, a
sum, alas ! which will fall far short of his Pekin ex-
pectations, and certainly not enough to let him see
any great capital. In fact he names fifty pounds
as the very smallest minimum for supporting the
honour of his country at the Chinese court, and
which most people will consider as very moderate
terms. I do hope, therefore, when such a trifle is
in the case and so much at stake, you will kindly
contrive to make it up, or if cash is inconvenient,
by an accommodation bill or a creditable letter to
gome banking-house abroad. As to security, my
own U. O. I. would, I trust, be sufficient between
relatives, or if you preferr*d, dear Gus would no
doubt be agreeable to your taking out the amount
in tea or Chinese fans, or nid-noddin mandarins,
or any other articles you might fancy. In which
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NEWS FBOM CHINA. 59
case you can be no loser, but will enjoy the satis-
faction of putting forward a shining branch that
will greatly add to our fiEunily lustre.
How he escaped from such awful Waterloo work
as he describes is a perfect miracle. The mere
perusal almost turned my whole mass of blood, and
made me feel as if poked and stabbed in every
fibre, and squibbed and rocketted besides. Indeed
war seems from his picture, to be a combination
of storm, total eclipse, the great earthquake that
should have been, and the fifth of November. It
follows that dear Gus must have been specially
preserved from such a concatenation for some
brilliant destiny, which it would be a sin in us to
frustrate by any scrimp measures. I do beg and
hope, therefore, to hear from you with the needful,
by return of post, in which case I remain, dear
Brother,
Your affectionate sister,
Jemima Budge.
Wisbech, 17th November, 1842.
NO. V.
Dear Mother, — As I expected in my last, I
have at length set foot in the Chinese empire, and
am at this moment writing from Chew-shew, a
regular Celestial village, though not to be found
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60 NEWS FROM CHINA.
perhaps on the Celestial globe^ However, it is a
pleasant place enough, and would be pleasanter if
our quartermaster had not quartered me with a
wholesale breeder of black beetles, for a great Soy
manufactury in the neighbourhood — a hint which I
suppose will set your face and stomach for the
future against that soy-disant sauce. However,
here is the process from the Chinese receipt , First
fatten your beetles on as much pounded rice as
they will eat Then mash the insects to a paste,
which must be slowly boiled in a strong decoction
of Spanish liquorice. Strain the liquor carefully,
and bottle it, well corked, for English use.
Since my last we have had several brushes with
the natives, whose first attempt was to make a bon-
fire of us in the river, having agreed to a truce for
the purpose. In fact a regular gunpowder plot;
but such traitors are sure to split amongst them-
selves, and one of them gave our commander the
office the day before. At first the report was
treated as a bam. However, after dark, as soon
as the tide turned, down came the fire*raft with the
ebb, and if the pigtails had been content with a
business-like flare-up of combustibles and destruc-
tibles, might have played old gooseberry with our
ship. But the Chinese are famous for their piro-
technics, in which they take the shine out of
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Madame Hengler herself, so their vanity could
not resist a little show off in the fancy line, to
accompany their infernal machine. Accordingly,
instead of the raft drifting quietly down on us, with
a length of slow-match proportioned to the distance,
we were warned of it two miles off by a shower of
outlandish squibbs and crackers and serpents, cut-
ting away in all directions, and then forming them-
selves into Chinese characters, one of them stand-
ing, as the pilot told us, for a certain very hot
place. Of course we soon shifted our birth, and
let the fire-raft drive clear of us, which soon after
blew up in the shape of a great firey dragon, with
a blazing tail twisting to a point like a red-hot cork-
screw, and spitting a volley of blue zigzaggy light-
ning darting out of its mouth. It was a splendid
sight, beating the grand Vauxhall finales, or the
Surrey Zoological, all to sticks — and except in one
little accident a very satisfactory performance.
In the hurry of shifting the ship, the Chinese
wash-boats that were fastened astern of her were
all cut adrift, and getting entangled with the fire-
raft, our damp linen was terribly over-aired. Being
the first wash after the voyage from England, my
whole stock, unfortunately, was in the tub — shirts,
trowsers, stockings, in short, every thing — so that
what I am to do for a change I know not, unless I
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62 NEWS FROM CHINA.
can turn my blanket into a flannel wabtcoat, and
my sheets into a pair of ducks. A queer sort of
toggery to exhibit in to the Brother of the Sun and
Moon and the Imperial Family at Pekin. To be
sure I have since obtained a few laurels, and if tbey
were real ones might go to court as a Jade in the
Green — ^but no,* the thing is beyond a joke, and I
do hope tiiat on die receipt of this my dear mother
Will immediately forward a dozen shirts (fine cmes
mind) to her dear Gus. For trowsers, the climate
being warm, I can perhaps make shift, d la High-
lander, but the shirts are indispensable, and may
be sent to the care of John Shearing, Esquire, Star
Coffee-house, Drury-lane, who is coming out with
the first reinforcements and supplies.
Having mentioned my laurels, you will naturally
wish to know where they were picked. After the fire-
raft business, our commanders resolved in a coun-
cil of war, to waste no more time in chaffing, but
to commence uncivil operations, and do tiie o£Een-
sive. So we were all disembarked, soldiers, sailors,
and marines, and after a skirmish or two, brought
the enemy to a regular stand-up fight, at a place
called Kow-Tan. They were in great force, and
opened a smart fire on us from their matchlocks
and field artillery, which are small swivels fas-
tened on camel's backs, but are frequently so
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 63
overloaded, that the recoil tears off the poor ani-
mal's hump. On our side we had lots of howitzers
that kept shelling out their bombs and grapnells
like fun.
Our right was composed of the marines, and our
centre of the regulars, but we had no left at all on
account of a swamp. The sailors were the reserve,
only, as usual, they would not reserve themselves,
but ran off helter skelter to a Chinese castle, which
they took by boarding. In the mean time Captain
Pidding got possession of a tea-grove towards How-
qua, while Twining's company captured a magazine
containing about 20,000 pounds of fine gunpowder,
and immediately opened a discharge of canisters,
that made regular Mincing-lanes through the main
body of the TeatoUers. My own post was with a
cloud of skirmishers that was pushed forward to
enfilade our artillery, while it made a reconnoi-
sance — ^but I do not pretend to describe all the
manoeuvres of our army, like the moves at a game
of chess. Some eye-witnesses, I know, profess to
have seen every thing in an action, right and left,
back and front, and in the middle, as clear as the
figures of a quadrille, but which is very different to
my notion and experience* of a battle. To my
mind it is more like a turn-up in London, where
you are too much engaged with your own customers
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64 NEWS FROM CHINA.
to attend to what goes on over the way, or at the
other end of the street, — ^not to foiget the dust and
smother, for the guns and cannons, as yet, are not
obliged by Act of Parliament to consume their
own smoke. To give a clear idea of it, just fancy
yourself in a London fog, so thick that you can
only see your two next files. Well, by and by,
the right>-hand one, after cutting an extraordinary
caper, suddenly drops and rolls out of sight into
the fog, and when you look rather anxiously for
your left-hand man, you see Tom Brown instead of
Jack Robinson. The next minute you throw a
summerset yourself over a log or a dead corporal,
you cannot see which, and then plunge with your
head into the big drum, or perhaps on a dis-
mounted cannon, with a crash that makes you see
all the gaslights in London in one focus. Of course,
you're insensible for a bit, till your refreshed with
a kick or a stab, and then you revive again, about
as cool and collected as a gentleman wakiug sud-
denly, at midnight, to a storm of thunder and
lightning, a smother of smoke, a strong smell of
fire, and a burglar or two at his bedside. All
you see distinctly is some sort of bright picked-
pointed instrument within an inch of your eye,
which of course you parry off by natural instinct,
and then going to work at random, cut and thrust
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 65
right and left with your sword, or pike, or bayonet
into the darkness visible, which goes into something
soft, and comes back red and dripping. That's to
say, if you have good luck : if not, you get a slash
or a poke yourself, from some person or persons
unknown, in your throat, or your chest, or your
stomach, or wherever you like. However, for this
once you win first blood — ^so on you go groping,
stumbling, poking, parrying, and coughing, when
you've time for it, and winking if you can't help
it, the flashes increasing like blazes, the smother
getting thicker and thicker, and the noise louder
and louder, — so that you don't know you've been
cheering except by getting hoarse and short of
wind. No matter, on you push, or are pushed,
into the cloud, till at last you dimly see a sort of
Ombre Shinois dodging before you, that suddenly
turns to a real Tartar, painted and dressed up to
look like a Bengal Tiger, and flourishing a great
double-edged sword in each of his fore* paws. Of
course it's kill or be killed, so at it you go, like
Carter and his wild beasts, only in right down
earnest, two or three more Tigers joining in, clash
slash, and the sparks flying as thick as in a smith's
forge, or at a Terrific Combat at the Surrey or the
Wells. Such a shindy is too hot to last, and,
accordingly, if you're alive at the end of two jiffies,
the chance b that you find yourself making quite
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66 NEWS FBOM CHINA.
a melodramatic Tableau — namely, your bloody
sword in one hand, a Chinese pigtail in the other,
and four or five weltering Tartars lying round your
feet I
What followed I hardly know, my head seeming
to q>in like Harlequin's ; but I am told that I
performed prodigies of pluck, and which, if you do
not read of in the dispatches, must be laid to the
envy and jealousy of oar Top Sawyers and die
Commander-in-chie£
The pigtails, to do the handsome, behaved with
great coolness, many of them fonning themselves
with their great fans in the heat of the action.
But, as usual, European tactics prevailed over want
of discipline; and the barbarians having both their
wings broken were obliged to fly. Hie slaughter
was prodigious— our mortars playing like brids,
and the flying artillery dropping their tumbrils with
beautiful predsion into the thick of the mob. The
sword and bayonet, as we may suppose, were not
idle, but indulged in lots of << sticks and strikes,'^ as
Miss Martineau says, at the expense of ihe CM-
nese, and turned a great many of their flanks.
The swag is immense : including the enemy's mili-
tary chest, and the key of their portion, which is
of solid gold, and first-rate workmanship, and is
to be sent home to England for presentation to the
Queen.
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 67
The loss on the English side was trifling; only
one man belon^ng to our ship being killed^ — a
London Billsticker who had volunteered with the
Ejcpedition, to get a sight, as he said, oC the great
CSbinese Wall.
Well, after the battle was over, we turned, as
the song says, from Lions into Lambs, sparing all
such as made signs for quarter, only marking them,
by cutting off their tails, as being under British
protection. A good many of the natives were also
chevied after, and humanely hunted back to their
homes, though some of our fellows, it must be
owned, preferred breaking into the villas and Joss-
houses in search of the silver, and got plenty of
tin, besides Poo-Choos, Joo-ees, and the like.
Mister Augustus for his share only getting a fid-
dling little Ye-Yin, alias a Kit Hie truth is, I
was too much interested in going after a poor little
stray Chinese. From the marks, it was evidently
very young, and unaccompanied, and the mere
idea of a lost child in such a vast empire as China,
would have engaged the commonest humanity in
the task ; the country, besides being full of swamps
and canals, and hundreds of uncovered wells, into
which, in its headlong terror, it might plunge.
My heart turned sick at the very thought, and
made me the more eager to overtake the youngster,
while fancy psdnted the delightful scene of restoring
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68 NEWS FROM CHINA.
it uninjured to its distracted parents. But fear
had lent wings to tiie little feet which I tracked,
with Indian-like perseverance, by the prints in the
mud and sand, — on, and on, and on, but alas !
without a glimpse of the fugitive. Scared by the
thunder of our artillery, it had probably flown for
miles, and I had almost given up all hope, when
the trail, as Cooper calls it, led me to the edge of a
paddy-ground (or rice-field), where I caught sight
of something crouching down amongst the herbage.
You may guess with what eagerness I dashed in
and made a grab at her blue-satin, when, suddenly
jumping up to bolt, the poor child turned out to be
her own mother, or at least a full-sized China-
woman, but with the little tiny feet of an English
two-year-old. Still, being a female in distress, I
tried to comfort and encourage her — no easy job
for a foreign Barbarian, as black as a sweep with
gunpowder, as ragged as a beggar with slashing
and fencing, and jabbering all his compliments and
consolations in an unknown tongue. So as chaff-
ing was of no use, I was compelled to active
measures — ^but the more I tried to save her the
more the little catty package clawed me with what
I can only compare to human tenpenny nails.
However, I made shift to carry her off to the
nearest house, which proved to be either her own
or a friend's; for she flung herself into the arms
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 69
of a fat elderly Chinaman, who met us at the door.
The old fellow, whether husband or father, was
very civil, and seemed to twig my motives much
better than the lady : for after a little telegraphing,
he politely set before me a regular Chinese feast,
namely a saucer full of candied garden-worms, a
cold boiled bird's nest, and a basin of addled eggs,
making signs besides, that if I would wait for one
being killed, I should have a dish of dead dog.
All being intended on his part to do the handsome
and the grateful in return for my services — ^but
which, as virtue is its own reward, I declined.
Our victory at Kow-Tan, it is thought, will end
the war, so that before you are much older, you
may look, my dear mother, to see
Your affectionate son,
Augustus Budge.
P.S. — I re-open my letter to say that a Treaty
of Peace has been signed at Nankin. It remains
to be seen whether the English nation will be satis-
fied with the terms, but they were the best we
could get — namely, the Chinese are all to turn
Christians, and to pay off our National Debt Of
course there will be Illuminations in London, and
at Pekin there is to be a grand Feast of Lanterns,
to which the Emperor has invited our Commander-
in-chief, with such officers as he may name ; and
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70 NBW8 FBOM CHINA.
I am proud and happy to say I am set down rather
high in the list So to say nothing of promotion at
home, which may be booked, I am sure of some-
thing handsome from the Brother of the Sun and
Moon, who, like those celestial relatives, is {euqcious
for tiffing with gold and silver. But a little of
the ready, say fifty pounds at the very lowest, will
be absolutely needful in the mean time, if I am
to keep up my rank at the Chinese Court In
such a case I know you will grudge nothing, and
perhaps Uncle Abel will come down, in whole or
in part But pray do remember that the momey must
he hadj and may be forwarded through the same
channel as the shirts.
NO. VI.
TO MRS. BITDGE, WISBECH.
Dear Sisteb, — ^Your last of the 17 Instant came
duly to hand And am sorry to note you are too
poorly for illfeeling, which in course I can excnsa
In such a case being loath to agrivate, shall confine
myself to Matters of Facts which being unanser-
able will save you the troubble of a Reply. —
Otherwise I should have considdered my deuty to
set you to rites and partickly on the subjex of
Trade and Tradesmen and their adulteratin and
use of short waits. As to which a honest man.
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 71
altho he is a grocer, may be a fare dealer and
have as nice senses of honners in his trade, as
a Lord or a Duke who has no Bisness what-
erer in the world. Thats my feeling, and on my
own private Account beg to say so fur from
proving of fraudulent Practices if so be I thought
my Skales was cheatin I would kick the beam.
Concerning which I may remark that some
people who considder themselves Gentry such as
Bankers toppin Merchants and the like contrive
to have false Ballances without any Skales at alL
So much for your flings at trade tho I do not
care a fig, nor even a whole Drum of them for
fidi r^ections. Praps if my Nevy bad been
put early in life to the same Bisness he mite
by this time have been rollin in Welth as well
as his Uncle, which however I ant. The times
is too up hill and money too scarse for any
sich opperation. But at any rate he mite have
reallized a little Mint instead of his Sprigs of
Lawril of which I advise to inquire the vally at
Common Garden. But that comes of your gen-
teel notions of a polite bringin up and which
nothin would satisfy more humbler than a Lord
Chanceyor, or a Bishop, or a Field Marshal In
my yunger days the sons of limmitted Widders
witfi narrer incums had no sich ciqpital choices,
or my own- Muther would certanely have pre-
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72 NEWS FROM CHINA.
ferred me in a silk apon to a dowlus, and a
clericle shovel hat to a shockin bad un with
the brim turned up all round. Not to name a
military hat on full cock and very full fledged
with fethers. Also a fine scarlet or blew uniform
with goold lace down my unexpressibles, in loo
of a pair of cordray Shorts meant for longs, as
well as shabby, with a scrimp Jacket that praps
objected to meet them on that account As for
linnin, its enufF to say my muther hardly thort
it worth markin, and never numbered it all. As
regards which its my opinion if you ever see
dear Gus again you are more likely to see a
shirt without a Greneral than a General with-
out a shurt But its the prevailing fashion now-
a,day8 for every Boddy to aspire above their
stashuns, or at any rate to pass off their humble-
ness under some high flown name. For exampel
John Burril of our place, who I overheard the
other day calling himself the Architect of his own
fortune, and he's only a little Bilder.
But as I said above I am not going pint by
pint through your faver, but to convey certain
perticlurs as follows. When I received yours of
said date I was jist on the eve of startin off
by the railway on urgent business to the metio-
pulis. So I had only time to put your letter
in my pockit-book, which will explane my anser-
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 73
ing it from this place^ namely the Gorge and
Vulture, High Holbom — N.B. and prepaid before-
hand. Being seven year since my last visit to
London and my first regular hoUiday, it appeared
not altogether incumpatible to treat myself for
once to the play, which was Hieatre Royal
Drury Lane, at three shillings ahead to the pit,
the front row next the Musick. The peace was
King John, another exampel you will say of a
hard harted Uncle and a neglected Nevy, and as
such a theatricle slap in somebody's face. But
beggin pardon it seems to me that the account
between such relashuuships have never been cor-
rectly stated nor the claims of the junior party
Cedrly made out A Father is a father with his
own consent and concurrants and therefore only
responsibel as I may say for his own Accept-
ance— but an Uncle is made such willy nilly
whether he's agreeable or not, as is partickly
hard on a single Batcheler who not wanting
children at all, is obligated to have them at
second hand in the shapes of Nevies and Neeces.
As such I could not help simperthisin with King
John, with a plaguy Nevy of a prince Arthur,
and an unreasonable Muther, always harping like
somebody else on her son, her son, her son, and
to be sure when she did kick up a dust it was
a hot one, like ground pepper and ginger I How-
TOL. n. E
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74 NEWS FROM CHINA.
ever the second act being over, I stud up and
looked round, as usual, to have a survey of the
House and the company when lo and behold
whom should I see about three rows oft in the
pit, whom but dear Gus himself! — your preshus
Son and my identical Nevy, — who ought by rites
at that very moment to have been at Canton
in Chiney ! What I said or did in my surprise I
don't know, but the hole House, Boxes Pit and
Gallery, bust out in a loud roar of horse lauffing
which to my humble capacity was anything but a
propper display of feelin at such juvenile depravity.
However I scrambled over the Benshes without
ceremunny and had well nigh apprehendid him
when a genteel blaggard thumpt down my bran
new bever right over my bridge of my Nose and
afore I could get it up agin, both scoundrils
indudin dear Gus had made off. Still I mite
praps have ketchd him except for a new Police but
more like an old Fool, who insistid on detainin me
to know my particklers of my Loss. \^hy then
says I it's 30 pound, a new hat and a nevy, but
as he had seen none of them took he declined to
interfere. I mite have added to my minuses the
best part of the Play, which of course I could not
set out but returned to the Gorge and Vulter to
engage a sleepless bed for the night. But not
being bed time I set down to anser your faver, on
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NEWS FROM CHINA. 75
referring to which put me in mind to inquire of
his frend sum Reprobate of course at the Coffee-
shop in Drury Lane and the same being handy
instead of the letter I posted off myself and asked
if Mr. Shearing was known at the House. Which
he was. So I was showed into the Coffee-room,
into a privit box and sure enuf there he were — not
his frend but himself, having only used the other
name for an Alibi.
'■^^2<./>^^
However there he were, with a siggar in liis mouth
and a glass of Negus afore him which I indignently
E 2
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76 NEWS FROM CHINA.
drunk up myself and then demandid an account of
his misconduct, Errers not Excepted. Which he
give. So the long and the short is he made a full
Confession whereby it apears insted of goin abroad
he was never out of London at least not further
then Hide Park Comer to a Chinees Exibition and
where he pickt up his confounded Long Tungs and
Slang Wangs and Swan Pans and every attum he
knows of them infumal Celestials.
As mite be expected his Cash including my £30
\\as all squandered mostly I suppose for bottles of
wine and smoke, — ^and such little desideratums.
His goold watch went a month ago-~and the bul-
locks trunks as I predicted grew out of his own
Head. So much for a shinin caracter and a Genus
above the common. As such you will soon have
dear Gus on your own hands agin, at Wisbech,
where if Uncles may advise as well as contribit he
will be placed with some steddy tradesman to lem
a bisness. Unless praps you prefer him to have an
Appintment in the next Expedition to Bottany
Bay. With which I remain, dear Sister,
Your loving Brother.
Abel Dottin.
London. November the 28tb, 1842.
P.S. I did hope to save the new Shurts out of
the fire. But to use his own words they are
Spouted and he have lost the Ticket.
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77
NEW HARMONY.
" I '11 have five hundred voices of that sound."— Coriolan us.
A few days since, while passing along the Strand,
near Exeter Hall, my ear was suddenly startled by
a burst of sound from the interior of that building :
— a noise which, according to a bystander, pro-
ceeded from the " calling out of the Vocal Militia."
HULLAH>BALOO.
This explanation rather exciting than allaying my
curiosity, induced me to make further inquiries
info the matter; when it appeared that the Edu-
cational Committee had built a plan, on a German
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78 NEW HARMONY.
foundation, for the instruction of the middle and
lower orders in Music, and that a Mr. Hullah was
then engaged in drilling one of the classes in singing.
As an advocate for the innocent amusement of
the lower classes, and the people in general, the
news gave me no small pleasure; and even the
distant chorus gratified my ear more than a critical
organ ought to have been pleased by the imperfect
blending of a number of unpractised voices of very
various qualities, and as yet not quite so tuneable as
the hounds of Theseus in giving tongue. Indeed,
one or two voices seemed also to be " out of their
time" in the very beginning of their apprenticeship.
But to a patriotic mind, there was a moral sweet-
ness in the music that fully atoned for any vocal
irregularities^ and would have reconciled me even
to an orchestra of Dutch Nightingales. To explain
this feeling, it must be remembered that no Admi-
nistration but one which intended to be popular
and paternal^ would ever thitik of thus encouraging
the exercise of the Vox Populi ; and especially of
teaching the million to lift up their voices in con--
cert^ for want of which, and through discordances
amongst themselves, their political choruses have
hitherto been so ineffective. It was evident, there-
fore, that our Rulers seriously intended, not merely
to imbue the people with musical knowledge, but
also to give them good cause to sing, — and of
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NEW HARMONY. 79
course, hoped to lend their own ministerial ears to
songs and ballads very different from the satirical
chansons that are chanted on the other side of the
English Channel. In short, we were all to be as
merry and as tuneful as Larks, and to enjoy a
Political and a Musical Millenium !
This idea so transported me, that like a gratefu
canary I incontinently burst into a full-throated
song, and with such thrills and flourishes as recurred
to me, commenced a Bravura, which in a few
minutes might have attracted an audience more
numerous than select, if my performance had not
been checked in its very preludium by an occur-
rence peculiarly characteristic of a London street.
It was, in fact, the abrupt putting to me of a
question, which some pert cockney of the Poultry
first addressed to the unfledged.
**DOE8 YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU'RE OUT?"
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80
ETCHING MORALIZED.
TO A NOBLE LADY.
•* To point a moral." — Johnson.
Fairest Lady and Noble, for once on a time,
Condescend to accept, in the humblest of rhyme.
And a style more of Gay than of Milton,
A few opportune verses design'd to impart
Some didactical hints in a Needlework Art,
Not described by the Countess of Wilton.
An Art not unknown to the delicate hand
Of the fairest and first in this insular land.
But in Patronage Royal delighting ;
And which now your own feminine fantasy wins,
Tho' it scarce seems a lady-like work that begins
In a scratching and ends in a biting 1
Yet oh ! that the dames of the Scandalous School
Would but use the same acid, and sharp-pointed
tool.
That are plied in the said operations —
Oh ! would that our Candours on copper would
sketch !
For the first of all things in beginning to etch
Are — good grounds for our representations.
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ETCHING MORALIZEIX 81
Those protective and delicate coatings of wax,
Which are meant to resist the corrosive attacks
That would ruin the copper completely ;
Thin cerements which whoso remembers the Bee
So applauded by Watts, the divine LL.D.9
Will be careful to spread very neatly.
For why? like some intricate deed of the law,
Should the ground in the process be left with a flaw,
Aqua-fortis is far from a joker ;
And attacking the part that no coating protects,
Will turn out as distressing to all your effects
As a landlord who puts in a broker.
Then carefully spread the conservative stuff,
Until all the bright metal is cover'd enough,
To repel a destructive so active ;
For in Etching, as well as in Morals, pray note
That a little raw spot, or a hole in a coat,
Your ascetics find vastly attractive.
Thus the ground being laid, very even and flat,
^ And then smoked with a taper, till black as a hat,
Still from future cUsasters to screen it.
Just allow me, by way of precaution, to state.
You must hinder the footman from changing your
plate^
Nor yet suffer the butler to clean it.
E 5
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82 ETCHING MORALIZED.
Nay, the Housemaid, perchance, in her passion to
scrub.
May suppose the dull metal in want of a rub,
Like the Shield which Swift's readers remember-
Not to mention the chance of some other mishaps.
Such as having your copper made up into caps
To be worn on the First of September,
But aloof from all damage by Betty or John,
You secure the veiPd surface, and trace thereupon
The design you conceive the most proper :
Yet gently, and not with a needle too keen.
Lest it pierce to the wax through the paper between^
And of course play Old Scratch with the copper.
So in worldly affidrs, the sharp-practising man
Is not always the one who succeeds in his plan.
Witness Shylock's judicial exposure;
Who, as keen as his knife, yet with agony found.
That while urging his point he was losing his groundy
And incurring a fatal disclosure.
But, perhaps, without tracing at all, you may choose
To indulge in some little extempore views.
Like the older artistical people ;
For example, a Corydon playing his pipe.
In a Low Country marsh, with a Cow after Cuyp,
And a Groat skipping over a steeple.
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ETCHINO MORALIZED. 83
A wild Deer at a rivulet taking a sup,
With a couple of Pillars put in to fill up,
Like the columns of certain diumals ;
Or a very brisk sea, in a very stiff gale,
And a very Dutch boat, with a very big sail —
Or a bevy of Retzsch's Infernals.
Architectural study — or rich Arabesque —
Allegorical dream — or a view picturesque,
Near to Naples, or Venice, or Florence ;
Or << as harmless as lambs and as gentle as
doves,"
A sweet family cluster of plump little Loves,
Like the Children by Reynolds or Lawrence.
But whatever the subject, your exquisite taste
Will ensure a design very charming and chaste.
Like yourself, full of nature and beauty —
Yet besides the good points you already reveal.
You will need a few others — of well-temper'd steel,
And especially form'd for the duty.
For suppose that the tool be -imperfectly set.
Over many weak lengths in your line you will fret.
Like a pupil of Walton and Cotton,
Who remains by the brink of the water, agape,
Wliile the jack, trout, or barbel, effects its escape
Thro' the gut or silk line being rotten.
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84 ETCHING MOBALIZED.
Therefore let the steel point be set truly and round.
That the finest of strokes may be even and sound.
Flowing glibly where fancy would lead 'em.
But alas ! for the needle that fetters the hand,
And forbids even sketches of Liberty's land
To be drawn with the requisite freedom !
Oh ! the botches Pve seen by a tool of the sort,
Rather hitching than etching, and making, in short.
Such stiff, crabbed, and angular scratches,
That the figures seem'd statues or mummies from
tombs.
While the trees were as rigid as bundles of brooms.
And the herbage like bunches of matches !
The stiff clouds as if carefully iron'd and starch'd.
While a cast-iron bridge, meant for wooden, o'er-arch'd
Something more like a road than a river.
Prythee, who in such characteristics could see
Any trace of the beautiful land of the free —
The Free-Mason — Free-Trader — Free-Liver !
But prepared by a hand that is skilful and nice.
The fine point glides along like a skate on the ice.
At the will of the Gentle Designer,
Who impelling the needle just presses so much,
That each line of her labour the copper may touchy
As if done by a penny-a-liner.
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KTCHINO MORALIZED. 85
And behold ! how the fast-growing images gleam !
Like the sparkles of gold in a sunshiny stream,
Till perplex'd by the glittering issue,
You repine for a light of a tenderer kind —
And in choosing a substance for making a blind,
Do not sneeze at the paper call'd tissue.
For, subdued by the sheet so transparent and white.
Your design will appear in a soberer light,
And reveal its defects on inspection.
Just as Glory achieved, or political scheme.
And some more of our dazzling performances seem
Not so bright on a cooler reflection.
So the juvenile Poet with ecstasy views
His first verses, and dreams that the songs of his
Muse
Are as brilliant as Moore's and as tender —
Till some critical sheet scans the faulty design.
And alas ! takes the shine out of every line
That had form'd such a vision of splendour;
Certain objects, however, may come in your sketch.
Which, designed by a hand unaccustom'd to etch.
With a luckless result may be branded;
Wherefore add this particular rule to your code.
Let all vehicles take the wrong side of the road,
And man, woman, and child, be lefl-handed.
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86 ETCHING MORALIZED.
Yet regard not the awkward appearance with doubt.
But remember how often mere blessings fall out.
That at first seem'd no better than curses ;
So, till thinffs take a turn, live in hope, and depend
That whatever is wrong will come right in the end,
And console you for all your reverses.
But of errors why speak, when for beauty and truth
Your free, spirited Etching is worthy, in sooth,
Of that Club (may all honour betide it I)
Which, tho' dealing in copper, by genius and taste.
Has accomplished a service of plate not disgraced
By the work of a Ooldsmith beside it ! *
So your sketch superficially drawn on the plate.
It becomes you to fix in a permanent state.
Which involves a precise operation.
With a keen biting fluid, which eatinff its way —
As in other professions is common they say —
Has attained an artisdcal station.
And it's, oh ! that some splenetic folks I could name
If they must deal in acids would use but the same,
In such innocent graphical labours !
In the place of the virulent spirit wherewith —
Like the polecat, the weasel, and things of that kith —
They keep biting the backs of their neighbours !
The Deserted ViUage. lUustrated by the Etching Club.
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ETCHIN6 MORALIZED. 87
But beforehand, with wax or the shoemaker's pitch,
You must build a neat dyke round the margin, in
which
You may pour the dilute aquafortis.
For if raw, like a dram, it will shock you to trace
Your design with a horrible froth on its face,
Like a wretch in articulo mortis.
Like a wretch in the pangs that too many endure
From the use of strong waters^ without any pure,
A vile practice, most sad and improper !
For, from painful examples, this warning is found,
That the raw burning spirit will take up the ground^
In the churchyard, as well as on copper !
But the Acid has duly been lower'd, and bites
Only just where the visible metal invites.
Like a nature inclined to meet troubles ;
And behold ! as each slender and glittering line
Effervesces, you trace the completed design
In an elegant bead-work of bubbles !
And yet constantly secretly eating its way.
The shrewd acid is making the substance its prey,
Like some sorrow beyond inquisition.
Which is gnawing the heart and the brain all the
while
That the face is illumed by its cheerfullest smile.
And the wit is in bright ebullition.
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88 ETCHINO MORALIZED.
But Still Stealthily feeding, the treacherous stuff
Has corroded and deepened some portions enough —
The pure sky, and the water so placid —
And these tenderer tints to defend from attack,
With some turpentine varnish and sooty lamp-black
You must stop out the ferreting acid.
But before with the varnishing brush you proceed,
Let the plate with cold water be thoroughly freed
From the other less innocent liquor —
After which, on whatever you want to protect,
Put a coat that will act to that very effect,
Like the black one which hangs on the Vicar.
Then the varnish well dried — urge the biting again.
But how long at its meal the eau forte may remain,
Time and practice alone can determine :
But of course not so long that the Mountain, and
Mill,
The rude Bridge, and the Figures, whatever you will,
Are as black as the ^ts on your ermine.
It is true, none the less, that a dark-looking scrap,
With a sort of Blackheatb, and Black Forest,
mayhap.
Is considered as rather Rembrandty ;
And. that very black cattle and very black sheep,
A black dog, and a shepherd as black as a sweep
Are the pets of some great Dilettante.
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ETCHING MORALIZED. 89
So with certain designers, one needs not to name,
All this life is a dark scene of sorrow and shame.
From our birth to our final adjourning —
Yea, this excellent earth and its glories, alack !
What with ravens, palls, cottons, and devils, as black
As a Warehouse for Family Mourning !
But before your own picture arrives at that pitch,
While the lights are still light, and the shadows,
though rich,
More transparent than ebony shutters,
Never minding what Black- Arted critics may say,
Stop the bidng, and pour the green fluid away.
As you please, into bottles or gutters.
Then removing the ground and the wax at a lieaU
Cleanse the surface with oil, spermaceti, or sweet —
For your hand a performance scarce proper —
So some careful professional person secure —
For the Laundress will not be a safe amateur —
To assist you in cleaning the copper.
And, in truth, 'tis a rather unpleasantish job.
To be done on a hot German stove, or a hob —
Though as sure of an instant forgetting
When — as after the dark clearing off of a storm —
The fair Landscape shines out in a lustre as warm
As the glow of the sun in its setting !
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90 A REFLECTIOX.
Thus your Etching complete, it remdns but to hint.
That with certain assistance from paper and print.
Which the proper Mechanic will settle,
You may charm all your Friends — ^without any sad
tale
Of such perils and ills as beset Lady Sale— >-
With a fine India Proof of your Metal,
A REFLECTION
ON NEW TEARS EVE.
"Those Evening Bells — ^those Evening Bells!"
How sweet they used to be, and dear !
When full of all that Hope foretels,
Their voice proclaimed the new-bom Year !
But, ah I much sadder now I feel,
To hear that old melodious chime,
Recalling only how a Peel
Has tax'd the comings'in of Time !
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91
THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
A SKBTOH ON TUB ROAD.
** It is the Soul that sees ; the outward eyes ^
Present the object; but the Mind descries,
And thence delight, disgust, and cool indifference rise.**
COABBE.
" A CHARMiNO morning, sir,'* remarked my only
fellow-passenger in the Comet, as soon as I had
settled myself in the opposite corner of the coach.
As a matter of course and courtesy I assented ;
though I had certainly seen better days. It did
not rain ; but the weather was gloomy, and the air
felt raw, as it well might with a pale dim sun
overhead, that seemed to have lost all power of
roasting.
<< Quite an Italian Sky," added the Stranger,
looking up at a sort of French grey coverlet that
would have given a Neapolitan fancy the ague.
However, I acquiesced again, but was obliged to
protest against the letting down of both windows in
order to admit what was called the <^ fresh invigo-
rating breeze from the Surrey Hills."
To atone for this objection, however, I agreed
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92 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
that the coach was the best, easiest, safest, and
fastest in England, and the road the most pictu-
resque out of London. Complaisance apart, we
were passing between two vegetable screens, of a
colour converted by dust to a really "invisible
green," and so high, that they excluded any pros-
pect as effectually as if they had been Venetian
blinds. The stranger, nevertheless, watched the
monotonous fence with evident satisfaction.
" No such hedges, sir, out of England."
" I believe not, sir !"
"No, sir, quite a national feature. They are
peculiar to the inclosures of our highly cultivated
island. You may travel from Calais to Constan-
tinople without the eye reposing on a similar spec-
tacle."
" So I have understood, sir."
" Fact, sir : they are unique. And yonder is
another rural picture unparalleled, I may say, in
continental Europe — a meadow of rich pasture,
enamelled with the indigenous daisy and a multi-
plicity of buttercups !"
The oddity of the phraseology made me look
curiously at the speaker. A pastoral poet, thought
I — ^but no — he was too plump and florid to belong
to that famishing fraternity, and in his dress, as
well as in his person, had every appearance of a
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THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 93
man well to do in the world. He was more pro-
bably a gentleman fanner, an admirer of fine
grazing -land, and perhaps delighted in a well-
dressed paddock and genteel haystack of his own.
But I did him injustice, or rather to his taste —
which was far less exclusive — for the next scene to
which he invited my attention, was of a totally
different character — a vast, bleak, scurfy-looking
common, too barren to afford even a picking to any
living creatures, except a few crows. The view,
however, elicited a note of admiration from my
companion :
<* What an extensive prospect ! Genuine, uncul-
tivated nature — and studded with rooks !"
The stranger had now furnished me with a clue
to his character ; which he afterwards more amu-
singly unravelled. He was an Optimist ; — one of
those blessed beings (for they are blessed) who
think that whatever is, is beautiful as well as right :
— practical philosophers who make the best of
everything; imaginative painters, who draw each
object en beait, and deal plentifully in coulmr de
rose. And they are right. To be good — in spite
of all the old story-books, and all their old morals,
—is not to be happy. Still less does it result from
Rank, Power, Learning, or Riches; from the
single state or a double one, or even from good
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94 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
health or a clean conscience. The source of feli-
city, as the poet truly declares, is in the Mind — for
like my fellow-traveller, the man who has a mind
to be happy will be so, on the plainest commons
that nature can set before him — with or without
the rooks.
The reader of Crabbe will remember how gra-
phically he has described, in his " Lover's Journey,**
the different aspects of the same landscape to the
same individual, under different moods — on his out-
ward road, an Optimist, like my fellow-traveller,
but on his return a malcontent like myself.
In the mean time, the coach stopped — ^and oppo-
site to what many a person, if seated in one of its
right-hatid comers, would have considered a very
had look out, — ^a muddy square space, bounded on
three sides by plain brick stabling and wooden
bams, with a dwarf wall, and a gate, for a fore-
ground to the picture. In fact, a strawyard, but
untenanted by any live stock, as if an Owenite plan
amongst the brute creation, for living in a social
parallelogram, had been abandoned. There seemed
no peg here on which to hang any eulogium ; but
the eye of the Optimist detected one in a moment :
« What a desirable Pond for Ducks !"
He then shifted his position to the opposite win-
dow, and with equal celerity discovered " a capital
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THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 95
Pump! with oceans of excellent Spring Water,
and a commodious handle within reach of the
smallest Child 1"
I wondered to myself how he would have de-
scribed the foreign Fountains, where the sparkling
fluid gushes from groupes of Sculpture into marble
basins, and without the trouble of pumping at all,
ministers to the thirst and cleanliness of half a city.
And yet I had seen some of our Travellers pass
such a superb Water-work with scarcely a glance,
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96 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
and certainly without a syllable of notice ! It is
such Headless Tourists, by the way, who throng to
the German Baths and consider themselves Bub-
bled, because, without any mind's eye at all, they
do not see all the pleasant things which were so
graphically described by the Old Man of the Brun-
nens. For my own part, I could not help thinking
that I must have lost some pleasure in my own
progress through life by being difficult to please.
For example, even during the present journey,
whilst I had been inwardly grumbling at the weather,
and yawning at the road, my fellow-traveller had
been revelling in Italian skies, salubrious breezes,
verdant enclosures, pastoral pictures, sympathising
with wet habits and dry, and enjoying de^rable
duck-ponds, and parochial Pumps I
What a contrast, methought, between the cheerful
contented spirit of my present companion, and the
dissatisfied temper and tone of Sir W. W.^ with
whom I once had the uncomfortable honour of
travelling tite-i-tite from Leipzig to Berlin. The
road, it is true, was none of the most interesting,
but even the tame and flat scenery of the Lincoln-*
shire Fens may be rendered still more wearisome
by sulkily throwing yourself back in your carriage
and talking of Switzerland I But Sir W. W. was
far too nice to be wise — ^too fastidious to be happy
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THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 97
— too critical to be contented Whereas my present
coach-fellow was not afnud to admire a common-
place inn — I forget its eiutct locality — but he
described it as <' superior to any oriental Caravan-
sery — and with a Sign that, in the Infancy of The
Art, might have passed for a Chef dCCEiwreJ^
Happy Man I How he must have enjoyed the
Exhibitions of the Royal Academy, whereas to
judge by our periodical critiques on such Works of
Modem Art, there are scarcely a score out of a
thousand annual Pictures that ought to give pleasure
to a Connoisseur. Nay, even the Louvre has failed
to satisfy some of its visitants, on the same prin-
ciple that a matchless collection of Titianshas been
condemned for the want of a good Teniers.
But my fellow traveller was none of that breed :
he had nothing in common with a certdn Lady, who
with hlBdf London, or at least its Londoners, had in-
spected Wanstead House, prior to its demolition,
and on being asked for her opinion of that princely
mansion, replied that it was ^' short of cupboards."
In fact, he soon had an opportunity of pronounc-
ing on a CJountry Seat — far, very, very far inferior
to the House just mentioned, and declared it to be
one which << Adam himself would have chosen for
a Family Residence, if Domestic Architecture had
flourished in the primeval Ages."
VOL IL r
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98 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
Happy Man, again ! for with what joy, and
comfort, and cheerfulness, for his co-tenants, would
he have inhabited the enviable dwelling ; and yet,
to my private knowledge, the Pn^rietor was one
of the most miserable of his species, simply because
he chose to go through life like a pug-dog — with
his nose turned up at everything in. the world.
And, truly, flesh is grass, and beauty is dust, and
gold is dross, nay, life itself but a vapour; but
instead of dwelling on such disparagements, it is
far wiser and happier, like the florid gentleman in
one comer of the Comet, to remember that one is
not a Sworn Appraiser, nor bound by oath like an
Ale-Conner to think small beer of small beer.
From these reflections I was suddenly roused
by the Optimbt, who earnestly begged me to look
out pf the Window at a prospect which, though
pleasing, was far from a fine one, for either variety
or extent.
" There, sir, — there's a Panorama ! A perfect
circle of enchantment t realizing the Arabia Felix
of Fairy Land in the County of Kent I"
« Very pretty, indeed."
'' It's a gem, sir, even in our Land of Oaks— ^
and may challenge a comparison with the most
luxuriant Specimens of what the Great Gilpin calls
Forest Scenerv !"
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THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 99
" I think it may/'
** By the bye, did you ever see Scrublands, sir,
in Sussex?"
" Never, sir.'*
"Then, sir, you have yet to enjoy a romantic
scene of the Sylvan CSiaracter, not to be paralleled
within the limits of Geography I To describe it
would require one to soar into the regions of
Poetry, but I do not hesitate to say, that if the
celebrated Robinson Crusoe were placed within
sight of it, he would exclaim in a transport, ^ Juan
Fernandez I '**
** I do not doubt it, sir."
" Perhaps, sir, you have been in Derbyshire?"
« No, sir."*
" Then, sir, you have another splendid treat in
Juturo — Braggins — a delicious amalgamation of Art
and Nature, — a perfect £den, sir,— and the very
spot, if there be one on the Terrestrial Globe, for
the famous Milton to have realized his own < Para-
dise Regained!'"
In this glowing style, waxing warmer and warmer
with his own descriptions, the florid gentleman
psdnted for me a series of highly-coloured sketches
of the places he had visited; each a retreat that
would wonderfully have broken the fall of our first
Parents, and so thickly scattered throughout the
f2
Digitized by VjOOQIC
100 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
counties, that by a moderate computation our
Fortunate Island contained at least a thousand
"Perfect Paradises," copyhold or freehold. A
pleasant contrast to the gloomy pictures which are
drawn by certain desponding and agriculturally-
depressed Spirits who cannot find a single Elysian
Field, pasture or arable, in the same country I
In the meantime, such is the force of sympathy,
the Optimist had gradually inspired me with some-
thing of hb own spirit, and I began to look out for
and detect unrivalled forest scenery, and perfect
panoramas, and little Edens, and might in time
have picked out a romantic pump, or a picturesque
post, — ^but, alas I in the very middle of my course
of Beau Idealism, the coach stopped, the door
opened, and with a hurried good morning, the
florid gentleman stepped out of the stage and into
a gig which had been waiting for him at the end
of a cross-road, and in another minute was driving
down the lane between two of those hedges that
are only to be seen in England.
" Well, go where thou wilt," thought I, as he
disappeared behind the fence, " thou art certainly
the Happiest Man in England !"
Yes — ^he was gone ; and a light and a glory had
departed with him. The air again felt raw, the
sky seemed duller, the sun more dim and pale, and
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THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 101
the road more heavy. The scenery appeared to
become tamer and tamer, the inns more unde-
sirable, and their rigns were mere daubs. At the
first opportunity I obtained a glass of sherry, but
its taste was vapid ; every thing in short appeared
<< flat, stale, and unprofitable.'* Like a Bull in
the AUey, whose flattering rumours hoist up the
public funds, the high sanguine tone of the Opti-
mist had raised my spirits considerably above par ;
but now his operations had ceased, and by the
usual reaction my mind sank again even below its
natural level. My short-lived enthusiasm was gone,
and instead of the cheerful fertile country through
which I had been journeying, I seemed to be tra-
velling that memorable long stage between Dan
and Beersheba where << all was barren.''
Some months afterwards I was tempted to go
into Essex to inspect a small Freehold Property
which was advertised for sale in that county. It
was described, in large and small print, as ^< a
delightful Swiss Villa, the prettiest thing in Europe,
and enjoying a boundless prospect over a country
proverbial for Fertility, and resembling that Tra-
ditional Land of Promise described metaphorically
in Holy Writ as overflowing with Milk and
Honey."
Making all due allowance, however, for such
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102 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
professional flourishes, this very Desirable Invest-
ment deviated in its features even more than usual
from its portrait in the prospectus.
The Villa turned out to be little better than
an ornamented Bam, and the Promised land was
some of the worst land in England, and overflowed
occasionally by the neighbouring river. An Opti-
mist could hardly have discovered a sin^e merit
on the estate ; but he did ; for whilst I was gazing
in blank disa[^)ointment at the uncultivated nature
before me, not even studded with rooks, I heard
his familiar voice at my elbow —
'^ Rather a small property, sir — ^but amply secured
by ten solid miles of Terra Firma from the encroach-
ments of the German Ocean."
" And if the sea could," I retorted, " it seems to
me very doubtful whether it would care to enter on
the premises."
<< Perfai^ not as a matter of marine taste,^ said
the Optimist '< Perhaps not, sir. And yet, in
my pensive moments, I have Cancied that a place
like this with a sombre interest about it, would be
a desirable sort of Wilderness, and more in unison
with an H Penseroso cast of feelings than the
laughing beauties of a Villa in the Regent's Park,
the Cynosure of Fashion and Gaiety, enlivened by
an infinity of equipages. But excuse me, sir, I
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THE HAPPIB8T MAN IN ENGLAND. 103
perceive that I am wanted elsewhere," and the
florid gentleman went off at a trot towards a little
man in black, who was beckoning to him from the
door of the Swiss Villa*
" Yes,** was my reflection as he turned away
from me, if he can find in such a swamp aa this
a Fancy Wilderness, a sort of Shenstonian Soli-
tude for a sentimental fit to evaporate in, he must
certainly be the Happiest Man in England/'
As to his pensive moments, the mere idea of
them sufficed to set my risible muscles in a quiver.
But as if to prove how he would have comported
himself in the Slough of Despond, during a sub*
sequent ramble of exploration round the estate, he
actually plumped up to his middle in a bog ; — ^an
accident which only drew from him the remark that
the place afibrded <<a capital opportunity for a
spirited proprietor to establish a Splendid Mud
Bath, like the ones so much in vogue at the
German Spaws I"
<^ If that gentleman takes a fancy to the place,"
1 remarked to the person who was showing me
round the property, << he will be a determined
bidder."
** Him bid !" exclaimed the man, with an accent
of the utmost astonishment — ** Him bid I — why he's
the Auctioneer that's to sell us I I thought you
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104 THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND.
would have remarked that in his speech, for he
imitates in his talk the advertisements of the famous
Mr. Robins. He's called the Old Gentleman."
<* Old 1 why he appears to be in the prime of
life.*'
" Yes, sir, — ^but it's the other Old Gentleman — "
"What! the Devil?"
" Yes, sir, — because you see, he's always a-
knocking down of %omebodtf% little Paradise!*
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105
SPRING-
A NEW VERSION.
HanL'^The air bites shrewdly — it is very cold.
Hor — It is a nipping and an eager air.
Hamlet.
** Come, ffenile Spring ! ethereal mildness come ! "
Oh ! Thomson, void of rhyme as well as reason,
How couldst thou thus poor human nature hum ?
There's no such season.
The Spring t I shrink and shudder at her name !
For why, I find her breath a bitter blighter I
And suffer from her blows as if they came
From Spring the Fighter.
Her praises, then, let hardy poets sing.
And be her tuneful laureates and upholders,
Who do not feel as if they had a Sprity
Pour'd down their shoulders !
Let others eulogize her floral shows,
From me. they cannot win a single stanza,
I know her blooms are in full blow — and so's
The Influenza.
Her cowslips, stocks, and lilies of the vale.
Her honey-blossoms that you hear the bees at,
Her pansies, daffodils, and primrose pale,
Are things I sneeze at !
r 5
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106 SPRING.
Fair is the veraal quarter of the year !
And fair its early buddings and its blowings —
But just suppose O>nsuinption's seeds appear
With other sowings !
For me, I find, when eastern winds are high,
A frigid, not a genial inspiration ;
Nor can, like Iron-Chested Chubb, defy
An inflammation.
Smitten by breezes from the land of plague.
To me all vernal luxuries are fables.
Oh ! where's the Spring in a rheumatic leg.
Stifle as a table's?
I limp in agony, — I wheeze and cough ;
And quake with Ague, that great Agitator;
Nor dream, before July, of leaving oflF
My Respirator.
What wonder if in May itself I lack
A peg for laudatory verse to hang on ? —
Spring mild and gentle ? — ^yes, as Spring-heeled Jack
To those he sprang on !
In short, whatever panegyrics lie
In fulsome odes too many to be cited.
The tenderness of Spring is all my eye,
And that is blighted !
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107
THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
AN EXTRAVAGANZA.
CHAPTER I.
I M E,** says Rosalind^
in that delicious syl-
van comedy called
« As You Like It,"
— "Time travels in
divers paces with di-
. vers persons,"
And thence she
prettily and wittily
proceeds to enume-
rate the parties with
whom he gallops,
trots, ambles, or comes to a stand-still. And no-
thing can be truer than her theory.
Old Chronos has indeed infiuite rates of per-
formance— from railway to snail-way. As the
butcher's boy said of his horse, " He can go all
sorts of paces — as fast as you like, or as slow as you
don't"
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lOd THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
But hark ! what says a dear bell-like voice from
the Horse-Guardsy that ''time is time, and one
o'clock is one o'clock all the town over."
True, old Regulator ! The remark is as correct
as striking, time is time, and the horological divi-
sions are or should be synchronous from Knights-
bridge to WhitechapeL But the old Mower is,
like ourselves, a compound being — ^body and spirit
Hence he hath, as tha Watchmakers say, ^' a du-
plex movement:" namely, Mechanical and Meta-
physical;— the first, governed absolutely by the
march of the sun, and the swing of a pendulum ;
the second, determined by moral contingencies:
the one capricious as the ad libitum^ the other
exact as the tempo obligato of the musician. Thus
the manifold bells of London — sounding, like the
ancient chonis, a solemn accompaniment to the
grand drama of Human Life — ^thus hundreds of
iron tongues simultaneously proclaim the current
hour to the vast metropolis, yet with what di£Perent
speed has time travelled from chime to chime with
its millions of inhabitants — with the Bride, and the
Widow, the Marchioness in the ball-room, and the
Milliner in her garret, the Lounger at his club,
and the Criminal in the condemned cell I
Of these "divers paces with divers persons,"
there is a memorable illustration in "Old Mor-
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 109
tality,'' where Morton and the stem Covenanters,
with opposite feelings, watch on the same dial-plate
the progress of the hand towards the fatal black
point, at which the hour and a life were together
to expire.
The Novelist has painted the victim <^ awaiting
till the sword destined to slay him crept out of
the scabbard gradually, and as it were by straw-
breadths." The walls <^ seemed to drop with blood,
and the light tick of the clock thrilled on his ear
with such loud painful distinctness, as if each sound
were the prick of a bodkin inflicted on the naked
nerve of the organ."
Here then was one of those persons whom Time
gallops withal, whereas to the bloodthirsty Fanatics
he crept on so leisurely, that Impatience could not
refrain from giving the laggard a thrust forward on
his course.
In our Courts of Law, Civil and Criminal, the
divers paces of Time are continually exemplified,
and have been verified on oath by scores of res-
pectable witnesses.
For example : there was once a murder commit^
ted at Tottenham ; and on the trial of the assassin,
it became a point of judicial importance to deter-
mine the exact interval between two distant pistol-
shots.
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110 THE LONGEST HOUB IN MY LIFE.
*^ Five minutes !'' deposed Miss White, who had
passed the evening in question tite^-^t^ widi her
affianced sweetheart
<^ Fifteen," swore Mrs. Black, who had spent the
same hours in vmnly expecting a husband addicted
to the alehouse.
^^ Bless my soul and body !" exclaimed the Judge,
naturally astonished at such a wide discrepancy;
*^the clocks in that part of the country must be
sadly in want of regulation !"
But his lordship himself was in error. The
material wheels, springs, pendulums, and weights,
worked truly enough ; it was the moral machinery
that was accountable for the variation. The recti-
fication, however, was at hand.
The suburban village of Tottenham swarms, as
is well known, with resident Members of the
Society of Friends — a sect remarkable for punctu-
ality, and the preciseness and uniformity of their
habits — whose lives flow as equably as the sand of
the hour-glass — whose pulses beat with the regula-
rity of the pendulum. Accordingly, five Quakers
who had heard the shots, were examined as wit-
nesses; and, on their several affirmations, gave the
interval between the two reports with little more
variation than so many Admiralty Chronometers.
As thus :
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. Ill
Mia. 8m.
Obadiah 9 59
Jacob 9 58
Ephnim 0 59
Joseph 9 59
Samuel 9 58
Being actually the juste milieu^ or a drab average,
between the extreme statements of Black and
White.
CHAPTER II,
But to my personal experiences.
Like my fellow-mortals in fair Rosalinds cata-
logue, I have found Time to resemble both the
Hare and the Tortoise, sometimes as fleet as
the quadruped, at others as slow as the reptile
in his race. Many bright and brief days recur
to my memory when he flew past with the speed
of a flying Childers, many dark and long ones,
when he stepped as heavily and deliberately as
the black horse before a hearse. All his divers
paces are familiar to me — he has galloped, trotted,
ambled, walked with me, and on one memorable
occadon, seemed almost to stand stock-still. Never,
oh, never can I forget the day-long seconds which
made up those monthlike minutes, which composed
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112 THE LONGEST HOXm IN BIT LIFE.
that interminable Hour — ^the longest in my whole
life!
** And pray, sir, how and when was that?"
For the when, madam, to be particular, it was
from half-past nine to half-past ten o'clock, A.M.,
on the First of May, new style, Anno Domini,
1822. For the how, you shall hear.
At the date just mentioned my residence was
in the Adelphi, and having a strong partiality for
the study of Natural History from living specimens,
it suited both my convenience and my taste to drop
in frequently at the menagerie at Exeter Change.
These visits were generally pdd at an early
hour, before town or country cousins called to see
the lions, and indeed it frequently happened that
I found myself quite alone with the wild beasts.
An annual guinea entitled me to go as often as
agreeable, which happened so frequently, that the
animals soon knew me by sight, whilst with some
of them, for instance the elephant,* 1 obtained
quite a friendly footing. Even Nero looked kindly
on me, and the rest of the creatures did not eye
* This same elephaot once nearly kiUed an Irishman, for an
insult offered to his trunk. The act was rash in the extreme ;
** but it was impossible," the Hibernian said, '* to resist a nose
that jou could pull with both hands."
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE. 113
me with the glances half shy and half savage which
they threw at less familiar visiters.
But there was one notable exception. The royal
Bengal tager could not or would not recognise me,
but persisted in growling and scowling at me as a
stranger, whom of course he longed to take in.
Nevertheless there was a fascination in hb terrible
beauty, and even in his enmity, that often held me
in front of his cage, enjoying the very impotence
of his malice, and recalling various tragical tales
of human victims mangled or devoured by such
striped monsters as the one before me; and, as if
the cunning brute penetrated my thoughts, he
would rehearse as it were all the man-eating
manoeuvres of the species : now creeping stealthily
round his den, as if skulking through his native
jungles, then crouching for the fatal spring, and
anon bounding against the bars of his cage, with
a short, angry roar, expressive of the most fiendish
malignity. By the by, madam, did you ever hear
of the doctrine of Instinctive Antipathies ?
** Yes, sir; and Mr. Lamb or Mr. Hazlitt quotes
an instance of two strangers, who on meeting each
other in the street immediately began to fight''
Well, madam, there seemed to be some such
original antipathy between me and the tiger. At
any rate he took a peculiar pleasure in my presence
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i14 THB LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
in ostentatiously parading his means of ofienoe.
Sometimes, stretdiing out one huge muscular leg
between the bars, be unsheathed and exhibited his
tremendous claws, after which, with a devilish ogre-
Uke grin, he displayed his formidable teeth, and
then by a deliberate yawn indulged me with a look
into that horrible red gulf, down which he would
fain have bolted me in gobbets* The yawning
jaws were invariably closed with a ferocious snap,
and the brutal performance was wound up with a
howl so unutterably hollow and awful, so canni-
balish, that even at its hundredth repetition it stiH
curdled my very blood, and thrilled every nerve in
my body.
" Lord I what a dreadful creature I "
Very, ma'am. And yet that Carnivorous Mon-
ster, capable of appalling the heart of the bravest
man, failed once to strike terror into one of the
weakest of the species — a delicate little giri, of
about six years old, and rather small for her age.
She had been gazing at the Tiger very earnestly
for some minutes, and what do you think she said ?
<« Pray what, sir?"
" Oh, Mr. Cross, if ever that beautiful great
pussy has young ones, do save me a kitten ! ^
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THE LONOEST HOUR US MY LIFE. 115
CHAPTER III.
Apropos of Time and hb divers paces, he noto-
riously goes very slowly — as Sterne vouches — witli
a solitary captive, and of all solitary captives me-
thinks he must go slowest with a caged wild beast.
The human prisoner, gifted with a mind, can
beguile the weary hours with dreams ei the past or
future— if of an intellectual turn, and educated,
he can amuse himself with philosophical specula-
tions, or mathematical calculalions. He may even
indulge in poetical composition. But a beast, a
stupid, ignorant beast, has no such mental re-
sources. If he struck a l]nre it would be to immor-
tal smash. Neither would it be of any avail to
supply him with materials for those various handi-
crafts by the exercise of which the Phikdelphian
Solitaries, described by Dickens, contrived to lose
and neglect the creeping foot of time in their con-
finement A lion, if furnished with the whole stock
of a marine-store sh(^ would never ** manufao-
ture a sort of Dutch clock from disregarded odds
and ends,'' with a vin^ar-bottle for the pendulum :
neither would a tiger appear ^ in a white paper hat
of his own making,'' though expressly provided
with stationery for the purpose, from her Majesty's
own office. It follows that wild animals in confine-
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116 THB LONGEST HOUR IN BIT LIFE.
ment must experience great weariness— in fact,
diey obviously do suffer from ennui in no common
degree.
"How, sir? A vulgar, ill-bred wild beast,
afflicted with die peculiar complaint of a woman
of ton — of a lady of quality ? "
Precisely, madam. There is a case on record
of a Lioness with all the symptoms of the com-
plaint, and of her adoption of that fashionable
antidote, a lapdog.
" A lapdog! What, a dear little King Charies's
spaniel ?"
No, but a little terrier, which the Lioness in a
natural state of health would have devoured on his
first introduction, whereas being troubled with the
vapours, she could not dispense with a plaything
that happened to amuse her.
" A Lioness with the vapours, and a lapdog —
ridiculous!''
Madam, I am in earnest, severely serious. But
just do me the honour to step with me, in fancy,^
to the Zoological Gardens. There — ^look at that
Lioness. How indolently she stretches herself —
how listlessly she rolls her head and half closes her
languid eyes ! Then what distressing yawns, as if
for a change she would turn herself inside out !
" Rather like ennuij I confess."
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 117
No doubt of it. Now look at yonder moping
Lion, too apadietic even to glance at us. Look at
bis bead between bis knees, and bis tail — tbat
formidable tail, fumisbed at tbe end, as naturalists
tell us, witb a kind of prickle, so that be can spur
as well as lasb bimself into a basty fit — ^lying as
idle and still as a torpid snake. Did you eyer see
an attitude more expressive of lassitude ? and yet be
batb but taken a few turns round bis den, and
given one roar since sunrise. All be cares is to
blink, and gape, and doze, tbrougb tbe long bours
till supper-time. Yonder again is a female Puma,
witb bead drooping and closed eyes, uttering at
intervals an inward groan, as palpable a su£Perer
from world-weariness as Mariana at tbe Moated
Grange. Tbe pantbers, leopards, ounces, jaguars,
and tbe smaller cats, from constitutional irrita-
bility, are somewbat more active, or ratber restiess ;
but it is only anotber mode of expressing tbe same
tbing. One and all are labouring under tedium vikB
so intensely tbat it is a wonder tbey bave never dis-
covered self-murder I In fact Cbuny, tbe elepbant
wbo was sbot for attempting to break out of bis
prison, is said, after receiving many musket-balls,
to bave knelt down at tbe command of bis keeper,
and to bave presented bis bead witb suicidal
docility to tbe marksmen.
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118 THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
<< Their lives, poor things, must indeed be very
monotonous!"
Miserably so, madam, and their hours like ages !
No amusement, no employment to shorten them !
One can fancy Time himself looking in at the
Beasts through the iron lattices, and tauntingly
whispering, << Ah, ah ! with all your murderous
paws, and claws, and jaws, you cannot kill ME I**
<* One may, indeed ; but now, if you please, sir,
we will go* My own spirits begin to flag, and a
sort of lassitude comes over me. I presume from
example and the influence of the place.
Beyond question, madam. There was a case
in point My friend H., the well-known artist,
once had occasion to take the portrait of a Lion in the
Tower Menagerie ; but he went so frequently, and
required such long sittings, that, knowing the usual
facility of his pencil, I became curious to learn the
cause.
« W^y, the truth is," said H., " if I could only
have kept my spirits up and my eyes open, the
thing would have been done in a tithe of the time ;
but what with the dejection and drowsiness of the
beasts, and their continual gaping, I was so infected
with their dulness that after the first ten minutes I
invariably began to blink and yawn too, and soon
fell asleep.
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE. 119
CHAPTER IV.
" Huzza!"
My dear sir —
" Huzza! huzza!"
My dear sirs —
^< Huzza! huzza! huzza!"
Gentlemen — Ladies — Boys — Girls — ^good people
do allow me to ask the reason of such vociferous
cheering ?
" The Baron for ever !"
Eh?
« The Doctor for ever!"
Whom?
" The thing with a hard name for ever !"
What Baron? — ^what Doctor? — ^what thing with
a hard name ?
<' What thing? Why, Som-nam-bam-boozle-
fiisilism, to be sure* The animal sent the painter
to sleep, didn't he ?"
Yes.
^^ And mn't that Animal Magnetism?"
Yes, yes — certainly, yes — as clear a case of
Mesmerism as ever I met with I
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120 THE LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE.
CHAPTER V.
On the morning of the first of May, 1822,
between nine and ten o'clock, I entered the
menagerie of Exeter 'Change, and walked directly
as usual into the great room appropriated to the
larger animals. There was no person visible,
keeper or visiter, about the place — ^like Alexander
Selkirk, " I was Lord of the Fowl and the Brute."
I had the lions all to myself. As I stepped through
the door my eyes mechanically turned towards the
den of my old enemy, the royal Bengal tiger, fully
expecting to receive from him the customary salutes
of a spiteful grin and a growl. But the husky
voice was silent, the grim face was nowhere to be
seen. The cage was empty !
My feeling on the discovery was a mixed one
of relief and disappointment. — Methought I
breathed more freely from the removal of that
vague apprehension which had always dung to me,
like a presentiment of injury sooner or later from
the savage beast A few minutes, nevertheless,
spent in walking about the room, convinced me
that his departure had left a void never properly to
be filled up. Another royal tiger, larger even, and
as ferocious, might take his place — but it was
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THE LOKQEST UOUR IN MY LIFE. 121
UDlikely that the new tenant would ever select me
for that marked and personal animosity which had
almost led me at times to believe that we inherited
some ancient feud from our respective progenitors.
An enemy as well as a friend of old standing,
though not lamented, must be missed. It must
be a loss, if not to affection, to memory and
association, to be deprived of even the ill-will, the
frown, or sneer of an old/amiliar face, and the
brute was, at any rate, " a good hater." There
was something piquant, if not flattering, in being
selected for his exclusive malignity. But he was
gone, and the menagerie had henceforward lost,
for me, a portion of its interest. But stop — ^there
is a Gentle Reader in an ungentle hurry to expos-
tulate.
** What ! — sorry for a nasty, vicious, wild beast,
as owed you a grudge for nothing at all, and only
wanted an opportunity to spit his spite ?"
Exactly so, madam. The case is far from un-
common. Nay, I once knew a foreign gentleman
in a very similar predicament. From his Grerman
reading, helped by an appropriate style of feeding,
the stomach of his imagination had become so
stufied and overloaded with Zamiels, Brocken
Witches, Hobgoblins, Vampires, Were Wolves,
Incubi, and other devilries, that for years he never
VOL. U. G
Digitized by VjOOQIC
122 THE LONGEST HOUR IN BfY LIFE.
passed a night without what we call bad dreams.
Well, I had not seen him for some months, when
at last he called upon me, looking so wobegone
and out of spirits, as to make me inquire rather
anxiously about his health. He shook his head
dejectedly, sighed deeply, laid his hand on his
chest, as if about to complain of it, and in a broken
voice and broken English informed me of his case.
^^O, my goot fellow, I am miserable quite.
Dere is someting all wrong in me — someting very
bad — I have not had de Night-Mare for tree
weeks."
^^ Well, after that, sir, I can swallow the tiger.
So pray go on."
After the first surprise was over my curiosity
became excited, and I began to speculate on the
causes of the creature's absence. Was he dead?
Had he been destroyed for his ferocity, or parted
with to make room for a milder specimen of the
species? Had he gone to perform in the legiti-
mate drama-*or taken French leave ? I was look*
ing round for somebody to answer these queries,
when all at once I descried an object that made
me feel like a man suddenly blasted with a thun-
derbolt
" Mercy on us ! You don't mean to say that it
was the Tiger?"
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE. 123
I do. Huddled up in a dark corner of the room
he had been overlooked by me on my entrance,
and cunningly suppressing his usual snarl of recog-
nition, the treacherous beast had proceeded to in-
tercept my retreat At my first glimpse of him
he was skulking along, close to the wall, in the
direction of the door. Had I possessed the full
power of motion, he must have arrived there first —
but terror riveted me to the spot There I stood,
all my faculties frozen up, dizzy, motionless, and
dumb. Could I have cried out, my last breath of
life would certainly have escaped from me in one
long, shrill scream. But it was pent up in my
bosom, where my heart, after one mighty bound
upwards, was fluttering like a scared bird. There
was a feeling of deadly choking at my throat, of
mortal sickness at my stomach. My tongue in an
instant had become stiff and parched — my jaw
locked — my eyes fixed in their sockets, and from
the rush of blood seemed looking through a reddish
mist, whilst within my head a whizzing noise struck
up that rendered me utterly incapable of thought
or comprehension. Such, as far as I can recollect,
was my condition, and which, from the symptoms,
I should say, was very similar to a combined attack
of apoplexy and paralysis.
This state, however, did not last At first, every
g2
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124 THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
limb and joint had suddenly stiffened, rigid as cast
iron ; my very flesh, with the blood in its veins, had
congealed into marble : but after a few seconds, the
muscles as abruptly relaxed, the joints gave way,
the blood thawed and seemed escaping from the
vessels, the substance of my body seemed losing its
solidity, and with an inexpressible sense of its imbe-
cility, I felt as if my whole frame would fall in a
shapeless mass on the floor.
" Gracious goodness — how dreadful ! V
The tiger, in the interim, having gained the
door, had crouched down — cat-like — his back
curved inwards, his face between his fore-paws,
and with hb glaring eyeballs steadily fixed on
mine, was creeping on his belly by half- inches
towards me, his tail meanwhile working from side
to side behind him, and as it were sculling
him on.
In another moment this movement ceased, the
tail straightened itself out, except the tip» which
turned up, and became nervously agitated, a warn-
ing as certain as the like signal from an enraged
rattlesnake.
There was no time to be lost A providential
inspiration, a direct whisper, as it were, from hea-
ven, reminded me of the empty cage, and suggested,
with lightning rapidity, that the same massive bars
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 1'25
wbich had formerly kepi the Man E^ter within,
might now keep him out. In another instant I was
within the den, had pulled to the door, and shot
the heavy bolt. The Tiger foiled by the sudden-
ness of this unexpected manoeuvre, immediately
rose from his couchant position, and after violently
lashing each flank with his tail, gave vent to his
dissatisfaction in a prolonged inward grumble, that
sounded like distant thunder. But he did not long
deliberate on his course : to my infinite horror, I
saw him approach the den, where rearing on his
hind legs, in the attitude the heralds call rampant,
he gave a tremendous roar, which made my blood
curdle, and then resting his fore • paws on the
front of the cage, with his huge, hideous face,
pressed against the bars, he stared at me a long,
long, long stare, with two red fiery eyes, that
alternately gloomed and sparkled like burning
coals.
" And didn't the Tiger, sir, poke his great claws,
sir, into the cage, sir, and pick you out, sir, bit by
bit, sir, between the bars?"
Patience, my dear little fellow, patience. Since
the Creation, perhaps, a Man and a Wild Beast,
literally changing places, were never before placed
in such an anomalous position : and in these days
of dulness, and a dearth of dramatic novelties,
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126 THE LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE.
having furnished so very original and striking a
situation, the Reader ought to be allowed a little
time to enjoy it
CHAPTER VI.
Ha I ha ! ha !
** Zounds ! — ^pshaw ! — ^phoo ! — ^pish !*' ejaculates
a Courteous Reader, << it's all a hoax, the author is
laughing at us.**
Not at alL The cachinnatory syllables were
intended to signify the peal of dreary laughter with
which the hyena hailed my incarceration. It was
perhaps only a coincidence — and yet the beast
might comprehend and enjoy the sudden turning
of the tables, the Man become a Prisoner, and the
Brute his Gaoler.
It might tickle his savage fancy to behold a
creature of the species before which the animals of
his own kind instinctively quailed and skulked off— it
might gratify a splenetic hatred, bom of fear, to
see a member of that aristocratic order reduced
by a Revolution, beyond the French one, into a
doomed captive in such a Bastile !
<< Excuse me, sir, but do you really believe that
a brute beast ever reasons so curiously?"
It is difficult to say, madam, for they never utter,
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 127
much less publish, their speculations. That some
do reason and even moralize
" Moralize ! what, a brute beast — ^for instance, a
great bear — a moralist like Dr. Johnson ?*'
- Yes, madam; — or Hervey, of the Meditations.
The hyena is notoriously a frequenter of graves —
a prowler amongst the Tombs. He is, also, the
only beast that laughs — at least above his breath.
And putting these two circumstances together, who
knows but that the Ghoul acquired his Sardonic
grin, and his cynical ha I ha ! ha ! from a too
intimate acquaintance with the dusty, mouldy,
rubbishing, unsavoury relics of the pride, power,
pomps and vanities of the so-called Lord of the
Creation ?
" Who indeed, sir? What man can see into the
heart of a brute beast?"
. Why, if any one, ma'am, it's the man who puts
his head into the lion's mouth.
CHAPTER VIL
It was now my turn to know and understand
how Time "travels in divers paces with diverg
persons." To feel how the precious stuff that life
is made of might be drawn out, like fine gold, into
inconceivable lengths. To learn the extreme dura-
tion of minims and seconds, and possible 'Mast
Digitized by VjOOQIC
128 THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
moments" of existence— the practicability of living
ages, as in dreams, between one vital pulsation and
another I
Oh those interminable and invaluable intervals
between breath and breath !
How shall, I describe— by what gigantic scale
can I give a notion of the enormous expansion of
the ordinary fractions of time, when marked on a
Dial of the World's circumference by the Shadow
of Death?
Methinks while that horrible face, and those red,
fiery eyes were gazing at me. Pyramids might
have been built — Babylons founded — Empires
established — Royal Dynasties have riseni ruled,
and fallen — ^yea, even that other Planets migh};
have fulfilled their appointed cycles from Creation
to Destruction, during those nominal minutes which
by their immense span seemed actually to be pre-
paring me for Eternity !
CHAPTER VIII.
In the meantime the tiger kept his old position
in front of the cage, without making any attempt
to get at me. He could have no fear of my getting
out to eat him^ and as to his devouring me, having
recentiy breakfasted on shin of beef he seemed in
no hurry for a second meal, knowing perfecdy well.
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 129
that whenever be might feel inclined to lunch, he
had me ready for it, as it were, in his safe.
Thus the beast continued with intolerable perse-
verance to stare in upon me, who, crouched up at
the further comer of the den, had only to await his
pleasure or displeasure. Once or twice, indeed,
I tried to call out for help, but the sound died in
my throat, and when at length I succeeded, the
tiger, whether to drown my voice, or from sym-
pathy, set up such a roar at the same time, and this
he did so repeatedly, that convinced of the futility
of the exi)eriment, I abandoned myself in silence
to my fate. Its crisis was approaching. If he had
no hunger for food the savage had an appetite for
revenge, and soon showed himself disposed, cat-
like, to sport with his victim, and torment him a
little by exciting his terror. I have said cat-like,
but there seemed something more supematurally
ingenious in the cruelty of his proceedings. He
certainly made faces at me, twisting his grim fea-
tures with the most frightful contortions— especially
his mouth, drawing back his lips so as to show his
teeth — then smacking them, or licking them with
his tongue — of the roughness of which he occasion-
ally gave me a hint by rasping it against the iron
bars. But the climax of his malice was to come.
Strange as it may seem, he absolutely winked at
g5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
130 . THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE.
me, not a mere feline blink at excess of light, but
a significant, knowing wink, and then inflating his
cheeks, puffed into my face a long, hot breath,
smelling, most ominously, of raw flesh I
The horrid wretch! why he seemed to know
what be was about like a Christian I **
Yes, madam — or, at any rate like an inhuman
human being. But, before long, he evidently grew
tired of such mere pastime. His tail — that index
of mischief— resumed its activity, swinging and
flourishing in the air, with a thump every now and
then on his flank, as if he were beating time with
it to some Tiger's March in his own head. At last it
dropped, and at the same instant thrusting one paw
between the bars he tried by an experimental semi-
circular sweep, whether any part of me was within
his reach. He took nothing, however, by his mo-
tion, but his talons so nearly brushed my knees,
that a change of posture became imperative. The
den was too low to allow of my standing up, so
that the only way was to lie down on my side, with
my back against that of the cage— of course making
myself as much like a bas-relief eiS possible.
Fortunately, my coat was closely buttoned up to
the throat, for the hitch of a claw in a lappel would
have been fatal : as it was, the paw of the brute, in
some of his sweeps, came within two inches of my
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 131
person. Foiled in this fishing for me, he then
struck the bars, seriatim, but they were too mas-
sive, and too well inbedded in their sockets, to
break, or bend, or give way. Nevertheless, I felt
far from safe. There was such a diabolical sagacity
in the Beast's proceedings, that it would hardly
have been wonderful if he had deliberately undone
the bolt and fastenings of his late front-door and
walked in to me.
<< Oh, how dreadful if he had I And what a
position for you, sir I Such a shocking picture —
a human fellow-creature in a cage with a great
savage tiger a-tearing at him through the bars —
I declare it reminds me of the Cat at our Canary !"
CHAPTER IX.
I would not marry the Young Lady who made
that last comparison for Ten Thousand Pounds !
CHAPTER X.
Confound the Keepers !
Not one of them, Upper or Under, even looked
into the room. For any help to me, they might as
well have been keeping sheep^ or turnpikes, or
little farms, or the King's peace — or keeping the
Keep at Windsor, or editing the Keepsake ! — or
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13*2 THE IX)NOE8T HOUR IN MY LIFE.
helping the London Sweeps and Jack-in-the-Oreen
to keep May Day !
Oh ! what a pang, sharp as tiger's tooth could
inflict, shot through my heart as I remembered ^t
date with all its cheerful and fragrant associations —
sights, and scents, and sounds so cruelly different to
the object before my eyes, the odour in my nostrils,
the noise in my ears !
How I wbhed myself under the hawthorns, or
even on them — ^how I yearned to be on a village-
green, with or without a Maypole ; but why do I
speak of such sweet localities ?
May-day as it was, and sweep as I was not, I
would willingly have been up the foulest flue in
London, cleansing it gratis. Fates that had
formerly seemed black and hard, now looked white
and mild in compar^n with my own. The
gloomiest things, the darkest mbfortunes, even unto
negro-slavery shone out, like the holiday sooterkins,
witk washed faces.
My own case was getting desperate. The Tiger
enraged by his failures, was furious, and kept up an
incessant fretful grumble — sometimes deepening
into a growl, or rising almost into a shriek — while
again and again he tried the bars, or swept for me
with his claws. Lunch-time it was plain had come,
and an appetite along with it, as appeared by his
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THE LONGEST HOUR IN MY LIFE. 133
efForts to get at me, as well as his frequently
opening and shutting his jaws, and licking his lips,
in fact making a sort of Barmecidal feast on me
beforehand.
The effect of this mock mastication on my nerves
was inexpressibly terrible — as the awful rehearsal
of a real tragedy. Besides, from a correspondence
of imagination, I seemed actually to feel in my
flesh and bones every bite he simulated, and the
consequent agonies. Oh, horrible — horrible —
horrible !
« Horrible, indeed ! I wonder you did not
faint!"
Madam, I dared not All my vigilance was too
necessary to preserve me from those dangerous
snatches, so often made suddenly as if to catch me
off my guard. It was far more likely that the
brain, overstrained by such intense excitement,
would give way and drive me by some frantic
impulse — a maniac — ^into those foamy jaws.
Still bolt, and bar, and reason, retained their
places. But alas [ if even the mind remained firm,
the physical energies might fail. So long as I
could msdntdn my position, as still and as stiff as
a corpse, my life was comparatively safe : but the
necessary effort was almost beyond the power of
human nature, and certainly could not be long
Digitized by VjOOQIC
134 THB LONGEST HOUR IN MT LIFE.
protracted — ^the joints and sinews must relax, and
then
Merciful Heaven! — the crisis just alluded to
was fast approaching, for the overtasked muscles
were gradually give, give, giving — when suddenly
there was a peculiar cry from some animal in the
inner room. The Hger answered it with a yell,
and, as if reminded of some hated object — at least
as obnoxious to him as myself — ^instantly dropped
from the cage, and made one step towards the spot
But he stopped short — turning his fece agiun to
the cage, to which he would probably have returned
but for a repetition of the same cry. The Tiger
answered it as before with a yell of defiance, and
bounded off through the door into the next chamber,
whence growls, roars, and shrieks of brutal rage
soon announced that some desperate combat had
commenced.
The uproar alarming the Keepers, they rushed
in, when springing from the cage with equal
alacrity, I rushed out; and while the men were
securing the Tiger, secured myself by running
home to my house in the Adelphi, at a rate never
attuned before or since.
Nor did Time, who ^^ travels in divers paces with
divers persons," ever go at so extraordinary a rate —
for slowness — as he had done with me. On con-
Digitized by VjOOQIC
PIROUETTES. 135
suiting my watch, the age which I had passed
in the Tiger's den must have been some sixty
minutes !
And so ended, Courteous Reader, the Longest
Hour in my Life !
PIROUETTES.
" Don't tell me,'' said my uncle, " of your
Operatives (he meant Opera-dancers) who spin
about like teetotums or peg-tops. I am for none
of your whirligigs. It is a mere totxr de farce, to
show how many revolutions they can make on one
leg; and nine times in ten the performer, espe-
cially a male one, shows by his face, at the conclu-
sion, what a physical exertion it has been. The
best dancers are sparing of such manoeuvres ; for
they know that any appearance of effort is fatal to
Grace. When I say the best dancers, I mean
such Artistes as Taglioni, and others of the same
school ; who, by the way, always seemed to me to
deserve the same encomium that King Solomon
bestowed on the lilies — they toil not, neither do
they SPIN.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
136
AN UNDERTAKER
Is an Illwiller to the Human Race. He is by
Profession an Enemy to his Species, and can no
more look kindly at his Fellows than the Sheriff's
Officer ; for why, his Profit begins with an Arrest
for the Debt of Nature. As the Bailiff looks on a
failing Man so doth he, and with the same Hope,
namely, to take the Body.
Hence hath he little Sympathy with his Kind,
small Pity for the Poor, and least of all for the
Widow and the Orphan, whom he regards, Planter
like, but as so many Blacks on his Elstate. If he
have any Community of Feeling, it is with the
Sexton, who has likewise a Per Centage on the
Bills of Mortality, and never sees a Picture of
Health but he longs to ingrave it Both have the
same quick Ear for a Churchyard Cough, and both
the same Relish for the same Music, to wit, the
Toll of Saint Sepulchre. Moreover both go con-
stantly in black — howbeit 'tis no Mourning Suit
but a Livery — ^for he grieves no more for the
Defunct than the Bird of the same Plumage, that
is the Undertaker to a dead Horse.
As a Neighbour he is to be shunned. To live
Digitized by VjOOQ IC
AN UNDERTAKER. 137
opposite to him is to fall under the Evil Eye. Like
the Witch that forespeaks other Cattle, he would
rot you as soon as look at you, if it could be done
at a Glance ; but that Magic being out of Date,
he contents himself with choosing the very Spot on
the House Front that shall serve for a Hatchment.
Thenceforward he watches your going out and your
coming in: your rising up and your lying down,
and all your Domestic Imports of Drink and Vic-
tual, so that the veriest She Gossip in the Parish is
not more familiar with your Modes and Means of
Living, nor knows so certiunly whether the Visiter,
that calls daily in his Chariot, is a mere Friend or
a Physician. Also he knows your Age to a Year,
and your Height to an Inch, for he hath measured
you with his Eye for a Coffin, and your Ponderosity
to a Pound, for he hath an Interest in the Dead
Weight, and hath so far inquired into your Fortune
as to guess with what Equipage you shall travel on
your last Journey. For, in professional Curiosity,
he is truly a Pall Pry. Wherefore to dwell near
him b as melancholy as to live in view of a
Churchyard; to be within Sound of his Hammering
is to hear the Knocking at Death's Door.
To be friends with an Undertaker is as impos-
sible as to be the Crony of a Crocodile. He is
by Trade a Hypocrite, and deals of Necessity in
Digitized by VjOOQIC
138 AN UNDERTAKER.
Mental ReservatioDs and Equivoques. Thus he
drinks to your good Health, but hopes, secretly,
it will not endure. He is glad to find you so
hearty — as to be Apoplectic; and rejoices to see
you so stout — ^with a short NecL He bids you
beware of your old Gout — and recommends a
Quack Doctor. He laments the malignant Fever
so prevalent — and wishes you may get it. He
compliments your Complexion — when it is Blue
or Yellow : admires your upright Carriage, — and
hopes it MTill break down. Wishes you good Day,
but means everlasting Night; and commends his
Respects to your Father and Mother — ^but hopes
you do not honour them. In short, his good
Wishes are treacherous; his Inquiries are sus-
picious ; and his Civilities are dangerous ; as when
he profiereth the Use of his Coach — or to see you
Home.
For the rest, he is still at odds with Humanity ;
at constant Issue with its Naturalists, and its Phi-
lanthropists, its Sages, its Counsellors, and its Legis-
lators. For example, he praises the Weather — with
the Wind at East; and rejoices in a wet Spring and
Fall, for Death and he reap with one Sickle, and
have a good or a bad Harvest in common. He
objects not to Bones in Bread (being as it were
his own Diet), nor to ill Drugs in Beer, nor to
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AN UNDERTAKEfU 139
Sugar of Lead or arsenical Finings in Wine, nor
to ardent Spirits, nor to Interment in Churches.
Neither doth he discountenance the Sitting on
Infants ; nor the swallowing of Plum Stones ; nor
of cold Ices^ at Hot balls — ^nor the drinking of
Embrocations, nay he hath been known to contend
that the wrong Dose was the right one. He ap-
proves, contra the Physicians, of a damp Bed, and
wet Feet, — of a hot Head and cold Extremities,
and lends his own Countenance to the Natural
Small Pox, rather than encourage Vaccination —
which he calb flying in the Face of Pro\ddence.
Add to these, a free Trade in Poisons, whereby the
Oxalic Crystals may currently become Proxy for
the Epsom ones ; and the corrosive Sublimate as
common as Salt in Porridge. To the same End he
would give unto every Cockney a Privilege to shoot,
within ten miles round London, without a Taxed
Licence, and would never concur in a Fine or
Deodand for Fast Driving, except the Vehicle
were a Hearse. Thus, whatever the popular Cry,
he runs counter: a Heretic in Opinion, and a
Hypocrite in Practice, as when he pretends to be
sorrowful at a Funeral ; or, what is worse, affects
to pity the ill-paid Poor, and yet helpeth to screw
them down.
To conclude, he is a Personage of ill presage to
the House of Life : a Raven on the Chimney Pot
Digitized by VjOOQIC
140 AN UNDERTAKER.
— a Deathwatch in the Wainscot, — a Winding
Sheet in the Candle. To meet with him is omi-
nous. His Looks are sinister ; his Dress is lugu-
brious ; his Speech is prophetic ; and his Touch is
mortal. Nevertheless he hath one Merit, and in
this our World, and in tliese our Times, it is a
main one; namely, that whatever he Undertakes
he Performs.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
141
A FIRST ATTEMPT IN RHYME.
" The attempt and not the deed." — Lady Macbeth.
A FEW days since it happened to me to look into
a Lady's Album— one of those pretty nuisances
which are sent to one like the Taxgatherer's Sche-
dules, with a blank or two for the victim to fill up.
The Book was of the usual kind : superbly bound
of course, and filled with paper of various tints and
shades, to suit the taste of the contributors:— bait-
ing, one might fancy, with a bluish tinge for Lady
Chatterton, with a light green for Mrs. Hall, or
Miss Mitford, and with a French white for Miss
Costello— for Moore with a flesh colour, with gray
for the Bard of Memory, and with rose colour for
the Poet of Hope — with stone colour for Allan
Cunningham, with straw colour for the Com Law
Rhymer, with drab and slate for Bernard Barton^
and the Hewitts, and with a sulphur tint for Satan
Montgomery. The copper colour being, perhaps,
aimed at the artists in general, who are partial to
the warmth of its tone.
As yet, however, but few of our ** celebrated
pens" and pencils had enriched or ornamented the
volume. The literary ofierings were short and few ;
and the pictorial ones were still more rare. Thus
between the Mendicant begging for Scraps iii
Digitized by VjOOQIC
14*2 A FIRST ATTEMPT IN RHYME.
the Frontispiece, and a water-coloured branch of
Fuchsia, there were no less than eighteen blank
leaves: twenty-two more from the flower to the
Group of Shells — ^if they were shells — for they
looked more like petrifactions of a cracknel, a
French roll, and a twist — and fifteen barren pages
from the Conchology to the great Parrot — ^whicb,
by the bye, seemed purposely to have been put
into the same livery as the lady's footman, namely,
a peagreen coat, with crimson smalls. There was
only one more drawing; a view of some Dutch
place, done in Sepia, and which some wag had
named in pencil as "a Piece of Brown Holland."
The prose and verse were of the ordinary charac-
ter: Extracts from Byron, Wordsworth, and Mrs.
Hemans ; a Parody of an Irish Melody, an Unpub*
lished Ballad, attributed to Sir Walter Scott, and
sundry original efiusions, including a Sonnet of
sixteen lines, to an Infant There were also two
specimens of what is called Reli^ous Poetry — ^the
one working up a Sprig of Thyme into an " eter-
nity !" and the other setting out as jauntily as a
Song, but ending in a " him."
In glancing over these effusions, it was my good
fortune to be attracted to some verses by a certain
singularity in their construction, the nature of
which it required a second perusal to determine.
Indeed, the peculiarity was so unobtrusive, that it
Digitized by VjOOQIC
A FIRST ATTEMPT IN RHYME. 143
had escaped the notice of the owner of the Album,
who had even designated the lines in question as
" nothing particular." They were, she said, as the
title implied, the first attempt in rhyme, by a
female friend ; and who, to judge from her manner
and expressions, with respect to her maiden essay,
had certainly not been aware of any thing extraor-
dinary in her performance. On the contrary, she
had apologized for the homely and common-place
character of the lines, and had promised, if she
ever improved in her poetry, to contribute another
and a better sample. A pledge which Death,
alas I had forbidden her to redeem.
As a Literary Curiosity, the Proprietress of the
original Poem has kindly allowed me to copy and
present it to the Public. Instead of a mere com-
monplace composition, the careful Reader will
perceive that whilst aiming at, and so singularly
missing, what Garrick called ^< the jingle of verse,"
the Authoress has actually invented a New Species
of Poetry — an intermediate link, as it were, between
Blank Verse and Rhyme, and as such likely to be
equally acceptable to the admirers of Thomson and
the lovers of Shenstone.
(copy.)
If I were used to writing verse.
And had a Muse not so perverse,
But prompt at Fancy's caXL to spring
And carol like a bird in Spring ;
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144 A FIRST ATTEMPT IN RHYME.
Or like a Bee, in summer time,
lliat hums about a bed of thyme,
And gathers honey and delights
From ev*ry blossom where it 'lights ;
If I, alas ! had such a Muse,
To touch the Reader or amuse,
And breathe the true poetic vein.
This page should not be fiU'd in vain !
But ah ! the pow'r was never mine
To dig for gems in Fancy's mine :
Or wander over land and main
To seek the Fairies* old domain—
To watch Apollo while he climbs
His throne in oriental climes ;
Or mark the " gradual dusky veil*'
Drawn over Tempi's tuneful vale,
In classic lays remembered long —
Such flights to bolder wings belong ;
To Bards who on that glorious height
Of sun and song, Parnassus bight,
Partake the fire divine that bums
In Milton, Pope, and Scottish Bums,
Who sang his native braes and bums.
For me, a novice strange and new.
Who ne'er such inspiration knew.
But weave a verse with travail sore,
Ordain'd to creep and not to soar,
A few poor lines alone I write.
Fulfilling thus a friendly rite.
Not meant to meet the Critic's eye,
For oh ! to hope from such as I,
^'or any thing that's fit to read.
Were trusting to a broken reed !
Ist ofApHl, 184a
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145
HORSE AND FOOT.
Fain would I climbe
But that I fear to fall.
Sir Walter Raleigh.
It requires some degree of moral courage to
make such a confession^ for a horse-laugh will
assuredly take place at my expense, but I never
could sit on any thing with four legs, except a
chair, a table, or a sofa. Possibly my birthplace
was adverse, not being raised in Yorkshire, with
its three Ridings — ^perhaps my education was in
fault, for of course I was put to my fiset like other
children, but I do not remember being ever pro*
perly taken off them in the riding-school. It is
not unlikely that my passion for sailing has been
inimical to the accomplishment; there is a roll
about a vessel so different from the pitch of a horse,
that a person accustomed to a fore and aft sea-saw,
or side lurch, is utterly disconcerted by a regular
up-and-down motion — at any rate, seamen are
notorious for riding at anchor better than at any
Digitized by VjOOQIC
146 HOBSE AND FOOT.
thing else. Finally, the Turk's principle, Pre-
destination, may be accountable for my inaptitude.
One man is evidently bom under what Milton
calls a '^ mounted sign," whibt another comes into
the world under the influence of Aries, predoomed
to perform on no saddle but one of mutton. Thus
we see one gentleman who can hardly keep his
seat upon a pony, or a donkey; when another
shall turn and wind a fiery Pegasus, or back a
Bucephalus ; to say nothing of those professional
equestrians, who tumble on a hoitse instead of off.
It has always seemed to me, therefore, that our
Astleys and Ducrows, whether they realized for-
tunes or not, deserved to do so, besides obtaining
more honorary rewards. It would not, perhaps,
have been out of character, if they had been made
Elnights o^ or Cavaliers; especially considering
that many Mayors, Aldermen, and Sherifis have
been so dubbed, whose pretensions never stood
on more than two legs, and sometimes scarcely
on one.
The truth is, I have always regarded horsemen
with something of the veneration with which the
savages beheld, for the first time, the Spanish
chivalry — ^namely, as superior beings. With all
respect then to our gallant Infantry, I have always
looked on our Cavalry as a grade above them —
Digitized by VjOOQIC
HORSE AND FOOT. 147
indeed, the feat of Widdrington, who ** fought
upoD his stumps," and so &r, on his own legs,
has always appeared to me comparatively easy,
whereas for a charge of cavalry.
Charge, Chester, charge.
Off, Stanley, off,
has always seemed to me the most natural read-
ing.
The chase of course excites my admiration and
wonder, and like Lord Chesterfield I unfeignedly
marvel — ^but for a diflTerent reason — that any gen-
tleman ever goes to it a second time. A chapter
of Nimrod's invariably gives me a crick in the
neck* I can well believe that ** it is the pace that
kills,*' but why rational beings with that conviction
should ride to be killed exceeds my comprehension.
For my own part could such a pace ever come
into fashion, it would be suicidal in me to attempt
to hunt at a trot, or even in a walk. Ride and
tie, perhaps, i^ as I suppose, it means one's being
tied on — ^but no, my evil genius would evade even
that security.
Above all, but for cert^ visits to Epsom and
Ascot I should have set down horse-racing as a
pleasant fiction. That Buckle^ without being
buckled on, should have reached the age he
u2
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148 HORSE AND FOOT.
attained to— or that Day should have had so long
a day — ^are to my mind " remarkable instances of
longevity " fer more wonderful than any recorded
in the newspapers. How a jockey can bestride,
and what is more, start with one of those thorough-
bred steeds, is to me a standing, or rather running,
or rather flying miracle. Were I a Robinson or
a Rogers, I should certainly think of the plate as a
coffin-plate, and that the stakes were such as those
that were formerly driven through self-murderers'
bodies.
It would appear," then, that a rider, hke a poet,
must be bom and not made — ^that there are two
races of men as differently feted as the silver-
spooned and the wooden-ladled — some coming
into the world, so to speak, at Rydty others, like
myself, at Footscrajfi and thus by necessity, eques-
trians or pedestrians. In feet, to corroborate this
theory, there is the Championship, which being
hereditary, is at least one instance of a gentleman
being ordained to horseback from his birth. As
to me, instead of retrograding through Westminster
Hall on Cato, I must have backed out of the office.
It is probable, however, that beside the causes
already enimierated, something of my inaptitude
may be due to my profession. It has been re-
marked elsewhere as to riding, that ^^ sedentary
Digitized by VjOOQIC
HORSE AND FOOT. 149
persons seldom have a good seat^'^ and literary
men generally appear to have been on a par^ as to
Horsemanship^ with the sailors. The Author of
**Paul Pry," in an extremely amusing paper,* has
recorded his own quadrupedal mischances. Cole-
ridge, for a similar or a still greater incapacity,
was discharged from a dragoon regiment. Lamb
avowedly never went "horse-pickaback*' in his
life. Byron, for all his ambition to be thought a
bold cavalier, and in spite of his own hints on the
subject, appears to have been but an indifferent
performer — and Sir Walter Scott, as we read in
his life, tumbled from his galloway, and Sir Hum-
phry Davy jumped over him. Even Shakspeare,
as far as we have any account of his knowledge of
horses, never got beyond holding them. Lord
Chesterfield has described Doctor Johnson's ap-
pearance in the saddle; but the catalogue would
be too tedious. SuflSce it, if riding be the "poetry
of motion," authors excel rather in its prose.
To affirm, however, that I never ventured on
the quadruped in question would be beside the
truth, having a dim notion of once getting astride
a Shetland pony in my boyhood, but how or where
it carried me, or how I sat, if I did sit on it for
■* A Cockne7*s Runil Sports.
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150 HORSE AND FOOT.
any distance, is in blank, having been picked up
insensible within twenty yards of the door. I
have a distinct recollection however of mounting
a full-grown mahogany-coloured animal of the same
genus, after coming to man's estate, which I may
be pardoned for relating, as it was my only per-
formance of the kind.
It was during my first unfortunate courtship,
when I had the brief happiness of three weeks*
visit at the residence of the lady's father in the
county of Suffolk. I had made considerable pro-
gress, I flattered myself, in the affections of his
"eldest daughter," when alas! a letter arrived
firom London, which summoned me on urgent
business to the metropolis. There was no neat
postchaise to be procured in the neighbourhood,
nor indeed any other vehicle on account of the
election; and my host kindly pressed upon me
the use of one of his saddle-horses to carry me to
the next market-town, where I should meet the
maiL The urgency of the case induced me to
accede to the proposal, and with feelings that all
lovers will duly estimate, I took leave of my
adored Honoria.
She evidently felt the parting — we might not
meet again for an age, or even two or three ages,
alias weeks, and to be candid, I fully participated
Digitized by VjOOQIC
HORSE AND FOOT. 151
in her feelings of anxiety, and something more,
considering the perilous nature of the expedition.
But the Horse came, and the last adieus — ^no, not
the last, for the animal having merely taken me
an airing, across a country of his own choosing, at
last brought me back of his own head, for I was
unable to direct it, safe to the house, or rather to
the door of his own stable. At the time, despite
some over-severe raillery, I rather enjoyed the
untoward event ; but on mature reflection, I have
since found reason to believe that the change
which afterwards took place in the young lady's
sentiments towards me, was greatly attributable
to my equestrian £ulure. The popular novel of
" Rob Roy ** made its appearance soon afterwards,
and along with a certainly over-fervent admiration
of its heroine, Di Vernon, a notable horsewoman,
it is not improbable that Honoria imbibed some-
thing of an opposite feeling towards her humble
servant who was only a Foot-Man.
Since then, I have contrived to get married, to
a lady of a more pedestrian taste ; an escape from
celibacy that might have been more difficult had
my bachelorship endured till a reign when the
example of the Sovereign has made riding so
fashionable an exercise with the &ir sex. Indeed,
I have invariably found that every female but one,
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152 HOR8E AND FOOT.
whom I might have liked or loved, was a capital
horsewoman* How other timid or ini^t gentlemen
are to procure matrimonial partners, is a problem
that remains to be solved. They must seek com-
panions, as W. says, in the humbler unilks of life.
Poor W. 1 He was deeply devotedly attached to a
young lady of family and fortune, to whom he was
not altogether indifferent, but he could not ride
out with her on horseback, and the captain could,
which determined her choice. The rejected lover
has had a twist in his brain and a warp in his
temper ever since: but his bitterness, instead of
&lling on the sex as usual, has settled on the
whole equine race. He hates them all, from the
steed of sixteen hands high down to the Shetland
pony, and insists, against Mr. Thomas, and his
Brutally-Humane Society, that horses are never
ill-used. There is a "bit of raw" in his own
bosom that has made him regard their galled
withers with indifference: a sore at his heart
which has made him callous to their sufferings.
They deserve all they get. The T>o^ is man's
best friend, he says, and the horse his worst.
Since writting the above, word has been brought
to me that poor W. is no more. He deceased
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HORSE AND FOOT. 153
suddenly, and the report says, of apoplexy ; but I
know better. His death was caused, indeed, by a
full habit — ^but it was a blue one.
EPIGRAM,
ON TUB CHINESE TREATY.
Our wars are ended — foreign battles cease,—
Great Britain owns an universal peace ;
And Queen Victoria triumphs over all,
Still « Mistress of herself though China fall!
h5
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164
THE SEASON.
Summer's gone and over I
Fogs are falling down;
And with russet tinges
Autumn's doing brown.
Boughs are daily rifled
By the gusty thieves,
And the Book of Nature
Getteth short of leaves.
Round the tops of houses.
Swallows, as they flit.
Give, like yearly tenants.
Notices to quit
Skies, of fickle temper.
Weep by turns, and laugh —
'Night and Day together
Taking half-and-half
So September endeth —
Cold, and most perverse —
But the Month that follows,
Sure will pinch us worse!
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155
MR. WITHERING'S CONSUMPTION AND ITS
CURE.
A DOMESTIC EXTRAVAGANZA.
Come away, come away, death
And in sad cypress let me be laid ;
I-ly away, fly away, breath ;
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
My shroud of white, all stuck with yew.
Oh, prepare it !
Twelfth Night.
CHAPTER I.
"And who was Mr. Withering?"
Mr. Withering, Gentle Reader, was a drysalter of
Dowgate-hili. Not that he dealt in salt, dry or wet
—or, as you might dream, in dry salt stockfish, ling,
and Findon haddies, like the salesmen in Thames-
street. The commodities in which he tra£Bcked,
wholesale, were chiefly drugs, and dyewoods, a
business whereby he had managed to accumulate
a moderate fortune* His character was unble-
mished,— his habits regular and domestic, — but
although advanced in years beyond the middle age,
he was still a bachelor.
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156 MR. withering's consumption
" And consumptive ? Why then according to
Dr. Imray's book, he had hair of a light colour,
large blue eyes, long eyelashes, white and regular
teeth, Jong fingers, with the nails contracted or
curved, a slender figure, and a fair and blooming
countenance."
Not exactly, miss. Mr. Withering was rather
dark —
*< Oh yes — as the doctor says, the tuberculous
constitution is not confined to persons of sangui-
neous temperaments and fair complexion. It also
belongs to those of a very difierent appearance.
The subjects of this affection are often of a swarthy
and dark complexion, with coarse skin, dark hair,
long dark eyelashes, black eyes, thick upper lip, short
fingers, broad nails, and a more robust habit of
body, with duller intellect, and a careless or less
active disposition."
Nay, that is still not Mr. Withering. To tell
the truth, he was not at all like a consumptive
subject: — ^not pigeon-breasted, but broad chested
— not emaciated, but plump as a partridge — ^not
hectic in colour, but as healthily ruddy as a
redstreak apple — ^not languid, but as brisk as a bee,
— ^in short, a comfortable little gentleman, of the
Pickwick class, with something, perhaps, quizzical,
but nothing phthisical in his appearance.
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AND ITS CURE. 157
*^ Why, then, what was the matter with the
man?"
A decline, madam. Not the rapid decay of
nature, bo called, but one of those declines which
an unfortunate lover has sometimes to endure from
the lips of a cruel beauty; for Mr. Withering,
though a steady, plodding man of business, in his
warehouse or counting-house, was, in his parlour or
study, a rather romantic and sensitive creature, with
a strong turn for the sentimental, which had been
nourished by his ^urse of reading— -chiefly in the
poets, and especially such as dealt in Love Elegies,
like his favourite Hammond. Not to forget Shen-
stone, whom, in common with many readers of his
standing, he regarded as a very nightingale of
sweetness and pathos in expressing the tender
passion. Nay, he even ventured occasionally to
clothe his own amatory sentiments in verse, and in
sundry poems painted his torments by flames and
darts, and other instruments of cruelty, so shock-
ingly, that, but for certain allegorical touches, he
might have been thought to be describing the
ingenious torture of some poor white captive by a
red Indian squaw.
But, alas I his poetry, original or borrowed, was
of no more avail than his plain prose against that
petrifaction which he addressed as a heart, in the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
168 MR. withering's consumption
bosom of Miss Puckle. He might as well have
tried to move all Flintshire by a geolo^cal essay;
or to have picked his way with a toothpick into a
Fossil Saurian. The obdurate lady had a soul
above trade, and the offer of the drysalter and lover,
with his dying materials in either line, was met by
what is called ^^flat refusal, though it sounded,
rather, as if set in a sharp.
Now in such cases it is usual for the Rejected
One to go into something or other, the nature of
which depends on the temperament and circum-
stances of the individual, and I will ^ve you six
guesses, Gentle Reader, as to what it was that Mr.
Withering went into when he was refused by Miss
Puckle.
" Into mourning?"
No.
" Into a tantrum?"
No.
" Into the Serpentine ?"
No — ^nor into the Thames, to sleep in peace in
Bugsb/s Hole.
" Into the Army or Navy ?"
No.
^^ Into a madhouse ?"
No.
<< Into a Hermitage?"
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CURE. J 59
No — nor into a Monastery.
The truth is, he opportunely remembered that
his father's great aunt, Dinah, after a disappointment
in love, was carried off by Phthisis Pulmonalis ; and
as the disease is hereditary, he felt, morally as well
as physically and grammatically, that he must,
would, could, should, and ought to go like a true
Withering into a Consumption*
" And did he, sir?"
He did, miss ; — and so resolutely, that he sold off
his business, at a sacrifice, and retired, in order to
devote the rest of his life to dying for Amanda —
alias Miss Susan Puckle. And a long job it pro-
mised to be, for he gloried in dying very hard, and
in pining for her, which of course is not to be done
in a day. And truly, instead of a lover's going off,
at a pop, like Werter, it must be much more satis-
factory to a cruel Beauty, to see her victim deli-
berately expiring by inches, like a Dolphin, and
dying of as many hues, — ^now crimson with indig-
nation, then looking blue with despondence, anon
yellow with jaundice, or green with jealousy — at
last fading into a melancholy mud-colour^ and
thence darkening into the black tinge of despair
and death. It is said, indeed, that when the cruel
Miss Puckle was informed of his dying for her, she
exclaimed, ^^ Oh I I hope he will let me crimp him
first, — like a skate 1"
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Google
160 MR. WITHERINO'S CONSUMPTION
CHAPTER II.
^* But did Mr. Withering actually go into a
consumption?"
As certainly, miss, as a passenger steps of his
own accord into an omnibus that is going to
Gravesend. He had been refused, and had a
strong sentimental impression that all the Rejected
and Forsaken Martyrs of true love were carried
oS, sooner or later, by the same insidious disease.
Accordingly his first step was to remove from the
too keen idr of Pentonville, to the milder climate
of Brompton, where he took a small detached
house, adapted to the state of single unblessedness,
to which he was condemned. For with all his con-
viction of the propriety, or necessity of the catas-
trophe, his dying for love did not involve a love for
dying ; he might soon have to breathe his last, but
it should be of a fine air.
His establishment consisted but of two female
servants; namely, a housemaid, and a middle-
aged woman, at once cook, housekeeper, and nurse,
who professedly belonged to a consumptive family,
and therefore knew what was good or bad, or
neither, for all pulmonary complaints. Her name
was Button.
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AND ITS CURE. 161
She was tall, large-boned, and hard-featured ; with
a loud voice, a stem eye, and the decided manner
of a military sergeant — a personage adapted, and
in fact accustomed, to rule much more refractory
patients than her master. It did not indeed require
much persuasion to induce him to take to wear
Digitized by VjOOQIC
162 Ma. WITHERINO'S CONSUMPTION
^^flannin next his skin," or woollen comforters
round his throat and wrists, or even a hareskin on
hb chest in an east wind. He was easily led to adopt
cork soles and clogs against wet, and a great-coat in
cold weather — ^nay, he was even out-talked into
putting his jaw into one of those hideous contri-
vances called Respirators. But this was nothing.
He was absolutely compelled to give up all animal
food and fermented liquors — ^to renounce succes-
sively his joint, his steak, his chop, his chicken, his
calves' feet, his drop of brandy, his gin-and-¥rater,
his glass of wine, his bottled porter, his draught
ditto, and his ale, down to that bitter pale sort, that
he used to call his Bass relief. No, he was not
even allowed to taste the table-beer. He had pro-
mised to be consumptive, and Mrs. Button took
him at his word. As much light pudding, sago^
arrow-root, tapioca— or gruel— with toast-and-water,
barley-water, whey, or apple-tea, as often as he
pleased — ^but as to meat or ^* stimuluses," she would
as soon give him " Alick's Acid, or Corrosive Sup-
plement"
To thb dietary dictation, the patient first de-
murred, but soon submitted. Nothing is more
fascinating or dangerous to a man just rejected by
a female, than the show of kindness by another of
the sex. It restores him to his self-love — ^nay, to
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CURE. 163
his very self, — ^reverses the sentence of social ex-
communication just pronounced against him, and
contradicts the moral annihilation implied in the
phrase of being << nothing to nobody/' A secret
well known to the sex, and which explains how
so many, unfortunate gentlemen, crossed in love,
happen to marry the housemaid, the cook, or any
kind creature in petticoats — ^the first Sister of Cha-
rity, black, brown, or carroty, who cares a cus —
«0h!— *'
— a custard for their appetite, or a comforter for
their health* Even so with Mr. Withering. He
had offered himself from the top of his Brutus to
the sole of his shoe to Miss Puckle, who had
plumply told him that he was not worth having
as a gift. And yet, here — ^in the very depth of his
humiliation, when he would hardly have ventured
to bequeath his rejected body to an anatomical
lecturer — here was a female, not merely caring
for hit person in general, but for parts of it in
particular — his poor throat and his precious chest,
hb delicate trachea, his irritable bronchial tubes,
and his tender lungs. Nevertheless, no onerous
tax was imposed on his gratitude ; the only return
required — and how could he refuse it! — was his
taking a Temperance, or rather Total Abstinence
Pledge for his own benefit. So he supped his
semi- solids and swallowed his slops; merely re-
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164 MR. WITHBRINO'S CONSUBIPTION
marking on one occasion, after a rather rigorous
course of barley-water, that if his oonsinnption
increased be thought he should ^^try JbTo^tra,"
but whether the island, or the wine, he left in
doubt
CHAPTER III.
In the* meantime Mr. Withering continued as
plump as a partridge, and as rosy as a redstreak
apple. No symptoms of the imputed disease made
their appearance. He slept well, ate well of sago,
&c«, drank well of barley*- water and the like, and
shook hands with a palm not quite so hard and dry
as a dead Palm of the Desert He had neither
hecdc flushes nor shortness of breath — ^nor yet pain
in the chest, to which three several physicians
in consultation applied their stethoscopes.
Doctor A. — hearing nothing at all.
Doctor B. — Nothing particular.
Dr, C. — Nothing wrong.
And Doctor E. distinctly hearing a cad-like
voice, proclaiming < all right."
Mr. Withering, nevertheless, was dying — if not
of consumption, of errnui — ^the mental weariness of
which he mistook for the physical lassitude so cha-
racteristic of the other disease. In spite, therefore,
of the faculty, he clung to the poetical theory that
he was a blighted drysalter, withering prematurely
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CURE. 165
on his stem ; another victim of unrequited love,
whom the utmost care could retain but a few short
months from his cold grave. A conviction he
expressed to posterity in a series of Petrarchian
sonnets, and in plain prose to his housekeeper, who
only indsted the more ri^dly on what she called
her << regimental rules" for his regimen, with the
appropriate addition of Iceland Moss. A recipe
to which he quietly submitted, though obstinately
rejecting another prescription of provincial origin
— namely, snails beaten up with milk. In vain
she told him from her own experience in Flanders,
that they were reckoned not only nourishing but
relishing by the Belgians, who after chopping them
up with bread crumbs and sweet herbs, broiled
them in the shells, in each of which a small hole
was made, to enable the Flemish epicure to blow
out the contents.* Her master decisively set his
face against the experiment, alleging plausibly
enough, that the operation of snails must be too
slow for any galloping complaint
There was, however, one experiment, of which
on hb own recommendation Mr. Withering resolved
to make a trial — change of air, of course involving
change of scene. Accordingly, packing his best
* The origin perhaps of the vulgar phrase, *^ a good blow out.*'
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166 MB. withbring's consumption
suit and a few changes of linen in his carpet-bag,
he took an inside place in the Hastings coach, and
was whirled down ere night to that favourite Cinque
Port And for the first fortnight, thanks to the
bracing yet mild air of the place, which gave tone
to his nerves, without injury to his chest, the result
exceeded his most sanguine expectations. But
alas! he was doomed to a relapse, a revulsion so
severe, that, in a more advanced stage of his com-
plaint he ought to have <<gone out like a snufF."
" What, from wet feet, or a damp bed ?"
No, madam — but from a promenade, with dry
soles, on a bright day in June, and in a balmy air
that would not have injured a lung of lawn-paper.
CHAPTER IV.
Poor Mr. Withering !
Happy for him had he but walked in any other
direction — up to the Castle, or down to the beach
— had he only bent his steps westward to Harling-
ton, or Bexhill, or eastward to Fairlight, — or to the
Fish-ponds— but his sentimental bias would carry
him towards Lover's Seat, — and there — on the seat
itself— he beheld his lost Amanda, or rather Miss
Puckle, or still more properly, Mrs. Scrimgeour,
who, with her bridegroom, had come to spend the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CURE. 167
honeymoon at green Hastings. The astounded
Drysalter stood aghast and agape at the unex-
pected encounter; but the lady, cold and cutting
as the East wind, vouchsafed no sign of recognition.
The effect of this meeting was a new shock to
his system. He felt, at the very moment, that he
had a hectic flush, hot and cold fits, with palpita-
tion of the heart, — and his disease set in again with
increased severity. Yes, he was a doomed man,
and might at once betake himself to the last re-
source of the consumptive.
<< Not," he said, << not that all the ass's milk in
England would ever lengthen his years."
Impressed with this conviction, and heartily dis-
gusted with Hastings, he repacked his carpet-bag,
and returned by the first coach to London, fully
convinced, whatever the pace of the Rocket, or the
nature of the road, that he was going very fast, and
all down hill.
CHAPTER V.
It was about ten o'clock at night when Mr.
Withering arrived at his own residence in Bromp-
ton ; but although there was a light in the parlour,
a considerable time elapsed before he could obtain
admittance.
At last, after repeated knockings and ringings.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
168 MR. WITHERING's CONSUBfPTlON
the street-door opened, and disclosed Mrs. Button,
who welcomed her master with an agitation which
he attributed at once to his unexpected return, and
the marked change for the worse, which of course
was visible in his face«
" Yes, you may well be shocked — but here, pay
the coachman and shut the door, for Tm in a
draught You may well be shocked and alarmed,
for Pm looking, I know, like death, — ^but bless me,
Mrs Button, the house smells very savoury I"
<<It's the drains as you sni£P, sir," said the
Housekeeper; <<they always do smell strongish
afore rain."
"Yes, we shall have wet weather, I believe —
and it may be the drains — though I never smelt
anything in my life so like fried beef-steaks and
onions!"
« Why, then, to tell the truth," said Mrs. But-
ton, " it is beef and inguns ; it's a favourite dish of
mine, and as you're forbid animal food, I thought
rd jest treat myself, in your absence, so as not to
tantalize you with the smelL"
" Very good, Mrs. Button, and very considerate.
Though with your lungs, I hardly approve of hot
suppers. But there seems to me another smell
about the house, — ^yes — most decidedly — the smell
of tobacco."
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CURE. 169
<< Oh, that's the plants I" exclaimed the House-
keeper— " the geranums that Tve been smoking, —
they were eaten up alive with green animalculuses."^
** Humph ! " said Mr. Withering, who, snuffing
about like a spaniel, at last made a point at the
Housekeeper herself.
** It's very odd — ^very odd, indeed — but there is
a sort of perfume about you^ Mrs* Button — not
exactly lavender or Eau de G)logne — but more
like the smell of liquor."
<^ Law, sir !" exclaimed the Housekeeper, with a
rather hysterical chuckle, << the sharp nose that you
have surely f Well, sure enough the tobacco-smoke
did make me squeamish, and I sent out for a small
quantity of arduous spirits just to settle my sto-
mach. But never mind the luggage, sir, I'll see to
that, while you go up to the drawing-room and the
sofy, for you do look like death, and that's the truth.*'
And suiting her actions to her words, she tried
to hustle her master towards the staircase ; but his
suspicions were now excited, and making a piglike
dodge round his driver, he bolted into the parlour,
where he beheld a spectacle that fully justified his
misgivings.
"Lord ! what did he see, sir?"
Nothing horrible, madam ; only a cloth laid for
supper, with plates, knives, and forks, and tumblers
for two. At one end of the table stood a foaming
VOL. n. I
Digitized by VjOOQIC
170 MR. WITHERINO'S CONSUMPTION
quart-pot of porter; at the other a black bottle,
labelled ^ Cream of the Valleyi^ while in the
middle was a large dish of smoking hot beefsteaks
and onions. For a minute he wondered who was
to be the second party at the feast, till, guided by
a reflection in the looking-glass, he turned towards
the parlour-door, behind which, bolt upright and
motionless as waxwork, he saw a man, as the old
song says, y^^^^ ^^ ^^ ^y^^^^ y^^
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AND ITS CURE. 171
« Heyday ! Mrs. Button, whom have we here ?"
<^ If you please, sir,^ replied the abashed House-
keeper, << it's only a consumptious brother of mine,
as is come up to London for physical advice."
" Humph !" said Mr. Withering, with a signifi-
cant glance towards the table, << and I trust that in
the mean time you have advised him to abstain,
like your master, from animal food and stimu-
lants.''
" Why you see, sir, begging your pardon," stam-
mered Mrs. Button, << there's di£Perences in con-
stitutions. Some people requires more nourishing
than others. Besides, there's two sorts of consump-
tion."
"Yes, so I see," retorted Mr. Withering; "the
one preys on your vitals and the other on your
victuals."
Just at this moment a scrap of paper on the
carpet attracted his eye, and at the same time
catching that of Mrs. Button, and both parties
making an attempt together to pick it up, their
heads came into violent coUidon.
" It's only the last week's butcher's bill," said
the Housekeeper, rubbing her forehead.
" I see it is," smd the master, rubbing the top of
his head with one hand, whilst with the bill in the
other, he ran through the items, from beef to veal,
i2
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172 MR, WTTUERINO'S CONSUBfPTION
and from veal to mutton, boggling especially at the
joints.
*«Why, zounds! ma'am, your legs run very
large!"
"My legs, sir?'*
" Well, then, miney as I pay for thenu Here's
one I see of eleven pounds, and another of ten and
a half. I really think my two legs, cold one day
and hashed the next, might have dined you through
the week, without four pounds of my chops !"
" Your chops, sir ?'*
<< Yes, my chops, woman, — and if I had not
dropped in, you and your consumptive brother
there would be supping on my steaks. You would
eat me up alive?*'
" You forget, sir," muttered the Housekeeper,
<* there's a nousemaid."
" Forget the devil 1 " bellowed Mr. Withering,
fairly driven beyond his patience, and out of his
temper, by different provocatives; for all this time
the fried beef and onions, — one of the most savoury
of dishes,— had been steaming under his nose, sug-i
gesting rather annoying comparisons between the
fare before him and his own diet.
" Yes, here have I been starving these two
months on spoon victuals and slops, while my ser-
vants, my precious servants, — confound them I were
Digitized by VjOOQIC
AND ITS CUBE. 173
feasting on the fat of the land ! Yes, you, woman !
you— with your favourite dishes, — my fried steaks,
and my boiled legs, and my broiled chops, but for-
bidding me — me your master, — to dine even on my
own kidneys, or my own sweetbread I But if Til
be consumptive any longer Til be ^
The last word of the sentence, innocent or pro-
fane, was lost in the loud slam of the street-door —
for Mrs. Button's consumptive brother, disliking
the turn of afiairs, had quietly stolen out of the
parlour, and made his escape from the hoiise.
" And did Mr. Withering observe his vow? *•
Most religiously, madam. Indeed, after dis-
missing Mrs. Button with her ** regimental rules,''
he went rather to the opposite extreme, and dined
and supped so heartily on his legs and shoulders,
his breast and ribs, his loins, his heart, and liver,
and his calfs head, and moreover washed them
down so freely with wine, beer, and strong waters,
that there was feur more danger of his going out
with an Apoplexy than of his going into a Con-
sumption.
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174
THE UNIVERSITY FEUD.
** A plague of both your Hou9es,"~-Mercutio.
The Contest for the Professorship of Poetry at
Oxford ought hardly to be passed over in silence.
Indeed it was our original intention to have gone
into the subject, whilst it might have been treated
as a cause pertuning solely to the Belles Lettres,
and equally unconnected with the great bells that
ring in Protestant steeples, or the little bells that
tinkle before papistical altars. There was a clas-
sical seat to be filled; and it would never have
occurred to us to examine into the opinions of
either candidate on abstruse questions of divinity,
any more than at the new-bottoming of an old
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THE UNIVRB8ITY FEUD. 175
chair, we should have inquired whether the rushes
were to be supplied by the Lincolnshire Fens, or
the Pontine Marshes. That any but poetical qua-
lifications were to be considered would neyer have
entered into our mind — ^we should as soon have
dreamt of the Judge at a Cattie Show awarding
the Premium, not to tiie fattest and best fed beast,
but to an ox of a favourite colour. No— in our
simplicity we should have summoned the rival
Poets before us, in black and white, and made
them give alternate specimens of their ability in
the tuneful art, like Dajdmis and Strephon in the
Pastoral —
Then ting by turns, by turns the Muses sing :
and to tiie best of our humble judgment we should
have awarded the Prize Chair, squabs, castors and
all, to the melodious victor. As to demanding of
.either of the competitors what he thought of the
Viaticum, or Extreme Unction, it would have
seemed to us a far less pertinent question than to
ask the would-be Chairman of a Temperance
Society whetiier he preferred gin or rum. We
should have considered the candidates, in fact, as
Architects professing to << build the lofty rhyme,**
without supposing its possible connexion witii tiie
building of churches or chapels. In that character
only should we have reviewed the parties before
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176 THE UNIVEBSITT FEUB.
us; and their several merits would have been dis-
cussed in an appropriate manner. Thus we might
perhaps haye pointed out that Mr* Garbett pos-
sessed the finer ear, but Mr. Williams the keener
eye for the picturesque ;— that the feUow of Brazen
Nose had the greater command of language, but
the Trinity man displayed a better assortment of
images: and we might have particularized by quo-
tations where the first reminded us of a Glover or
a Butler, and the last of a Prior or a Pope. —
We might also have deemed it our duty to ex-
amine into the acquaintance of the parties with the
works of the Fathers, not of theology but of poetry ;
and it might have happened for us to inquire how
certain probationary verses stood upon their feet —
but certainly not the when, where, or wherefore,
the author went down upon hb knees. We should
as soon have thought of examining a professed
cook in circumnavigation, or a theatrical star in
astronomy ; or of proposing to an Irish chairman,
of sedantary habits, to fill the disputed seat.
The truth is, that unlike a certain class of per-
sons who would go to the pole for polemics, and
seek an altercation at the altar, we have neither a
turn nor a taste for religious disputation, and there-
fore never expected nor wished to find a theolo-
gical controversy in a question of prosyversy. We
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE UNIVEBSITY FEUD* 177
never conceived the suspicion that the Pere La
Chaise of Poetry might become a Confessor as well
as a Professor, and initiate his classes in the mys-
teries of Rome, any more than we should have
feared his converting them to the Polytheism of
the heathen Ovid, or that very blind Pagan old
Homer, On the contrary, our first inkling of a
division at Oxford concerning the Muses suggested
to us simply that it must be the old literary quarrel
of the Classicists and the Romanticists, or a dis-
pute perhaps on the claims of Blank Verses to get
prizes. At any rate we should never have com-
mitted such an anachronism as to associate Poetry,
which is older by some ages than Christianity, with
either Protestantism or Popery* It would have
been like jumbling up Noah of Ark with Joan of
Arc, as man and wife !
Our first intentions, however, have been frus-
trated ; for even while preparing for the task, as if
by one of those magical transformations peculiar to
the season, the Chair has turned into a Pulpit, and
the rival collegians are transfigured — pantomime
fashion— into Martin Luther and the Pope of
Rome ! Such a metamorphosis places the per-
formance beyond our critical pale; but we will
venture in a few sentences to deprecate religious
dissension, and to forewarn such as call themselves
i5
Digitized by VjOOQIC
178 THB UNIVEBflirrY FEUD.
friends of the church against the probable intei^
ference of those hot-headed and warm-tempered
individuals who seem, as the Irish gentleman said,
to have been vaccinated from mad bulls. Such
persons, may, doubtless, mean well ; but the best-
intentioned people have sometimes far more zeal
than discretion, even as the medalsome Mathewite,
who thinks that he must drink water usque ad nau*
seam in lieu of usque ad baugh ; or like that over-
humane lady, who feels so strongly against Capital
Punishments and the gallows, that she would like
to << hang Jack Ketch with her own hands." Let
the breach then be stopped in time. The fate of
a house divided against itself has been foretold;
and surely there cannot be a more dangerous and
destructive practice than where a crack presents
itself to insert a wedge. It is by a parallel process
that many a magnificent Sea- Palace has been
broken up at Deptford — timber after timber, plank
after plank, till nothing was left entire, perhaps,
but the Figure-Head, staring, as only a figure-head
can stare, at the conversion of a noble Ship, by
continual split, split, splitting, into firewood, chips,
and matches.
Seriously, then, we cannot discuss the University
Feud in these pages: but our rules do not pre*
elude us from giving some account of a Littie Go
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THB UNIVERSITY FEUD. 179
that seems to have been modelled on the great one,
and which aptly serves to exemplify the evil influence
of bad example in high places*
A ROW AT THE OXFORD ARMS.
Glorious ApoUo fVom oa high beheld us.
Old SoifO.
As latterly I chanced to pass
A Public House, from which, alas !
The Arms of Oxford dangle I
My ear was startled by a din,
That made me tremble in my skin,
A dreadful hubbub from within.
Of voices in a wrangle —
Voices loud, and voices high,
\^th now and then a party-cry,
Such as used in times gone by
To scare the British border ;
When foes from North and South of Tweed-
Neighbours — and of Christian creed —
Met in hate to fight and bleed.
Upsetting Social Order.
Surprised, 1 turn'd me to the crowd,
Attracted by that tumult loud,
And ask'd a gazer, beetle-brow'd,
The cause of such disquiet.
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180 THE UNIVERSITY FEUD.
When lo ! the solemn-looking man,
First shook his head on Burleigh's plan,
And then, with fluent tongue, began
His version of the riot :
A row! — ^why yes, — a pretty row, you might hear
from this to Garmany,
Anfl what is worse, it's all got up among the Sons
of Harmony,
The more's the shame for them as used to be in
time and tune.
And all unite in chorus like the singing-birds in
June I
Ah! many a pleasant chant Fve heard in passing
here along,
When Swiveller was President a-knocking down a
song;
But Dick's resign'd the post, you see, and all them
shouts and hollers
Is 'dause two other candidates, some sort of lamed
scholars.
Are squabbling to be Chairman of the Glorious
ApoUers I
Lord knows their names, I'm sure I don't, no more
than any yokel,
But I never heard of either as connected with the vocal ;
Digitized bydOOQlC
THE UNIVBRSITY FEUD. 181
Nay, some do say, although of course the public
rumour varies.
They've no more warble in 'em than a pair of hen
canaries;
Though that might pass if they were dabs at fother
sort of thing,
For a man may make a song, you know, although he
cannot sing;
But lork ! it's many folk's belief they're only good
at prosing.
For Catnach swears he never saw a verse of their
composing;
And when a piece of poetry has stood its public
trials,
If pop'lar, it gets printed off at once in Seven Dials,
And then about all sorts of streets, by every little
monkey.
If 8 chanted like the ♦* Dog's Meat Man," or "If I
had a Donkey."
Whereas, as Mr. Catnach says, and not a bad judge
neither.
No ballad worth a ha'penny has ever come from either,
And him as writ " Jim Crow," he says, and got such
lots of dollars.
Would make a better Chairman for the Glorious
Apollers.
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182 THB UNIYERSITT FEUD.
HowBOine?er thaf s die meaning of the squabble that
arouses
This neighbourhood, and quite disturbs all decent
Heads of Houses,
Who want to have their dinners and their parties,
as is reason,
In Christian peace and charity according to the
season.
But from Number Thirty-Nine — since this election-
eering job,
Ay, as far as Number Ninety, there's an eyerlasting
mob;
Till the thing is quite a nuisance, for no creature
passes by,
But he gets a card, a pamphlet, or a summut in his
eye;
And a pretty noise there is ! — what with canvassers
and spouters.
For in course each side is fumish'd with its backers
and its touters;
And surely among the Clergy to such pitches it is
carried,
You can hardly find a Parson to get buried or get
married;
Or supposing any accident that suddenly alarms.
If you're dying for a suigeon, you must fetch him
from the " Arms:"
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THE XJNIVBR8ITY FEUD. 183
While the Schoolmasters and Tooters are neglecting
of their scholars,
To write about a Chairman for the Glorious Apollers.
Well, that, sir, b the racket; and the more the sin
and shame
Of them that help to stir it up^ and propagate the
same;
Instead of Tocal ditties, and the social flowing
cup,—
But they'll be the House's ruin, or the shutting of
it up, —
With their riots and their hubbubs, like a garden
fiill of bears,
While they've damaged many articles and broken lots
of squares,
And kept their noble Club Room in a perfect dust
and smother.
By throwing Morning Heralds^ Timfs^ and Standards
at each other ;
Not to name the ugly language Gemmen oughtn't
to repeat.
And the names they call each other — for I've heard
'em in the street—
Sudi as Traitors, Guys, and Judases, and Vipers, and
whatnot.
For Pasley and his divers an't so blowing-up a lot
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184 THE UNIVERSITY FEUD.
And then such awful swearing I — for there's one oT
them that cusses
Enough to shock the cads that hang on opposition
'busses;
For he cusses every member that's agin him at Uie poll,
As I wouldn't cuss a donkey, tho' it hasn't got a soul ;
And he cusses all their families, Jack, Harry, Bob or
Jim,
To the babby in the cradle, if they don't agree with him.
Whereby, altho' as yet they have not took to use their
fives,
Or, according as the fashion is, to sticking with their
knives,
I'm bound there'll be some milling yet, and shakings
by the collars,
Afore they choose a Chairman for the Glorious
ApoUers I
To be sure it is a pity to be blowing such a squall,
Instead of clouds, and every man his song, and then
his call —
And as if tliere wasn't Whigs enough and Tories to
fall out,
Besides politics in plenty for our splits to be about, —
Why, a cornfield is sufficient, sir, as anybody knows.
For to furnish them in plenty who are fond of picking
crows —
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THE UNIVEB8ITT FEUD. 185
Not to name the Maynooth Catholics, and other Irish
stews.
To agitate society and loosen all its screws ;
And which all may be agreeable and proper to their
spheres,^ —
But it's not the thing for musicals to set us by the ears.
And as to College laming, my opinion for to broach,
And I've had it from my cousin, and he driv a college
coach.
And so knows the University, and all as there belongs.
And he says that Oxford's famouser for sausages than
songs.
And seldom tiums a poet out like Hudson that can
chant.
As well as make such ditties as the Free and Easies
want.
Or other Tavern Melodists I can't just call to mind —
But it's not the classic system for to propagate the kind.
Whereby it so may happen as that neither of them
Scholars
May be the proper Chairman for the Glorious Apollers !
For my part in the matter, if so be I had a voice.
It's the best among the vocalists I'd honour with the
choice ;
Or a Poet as could furnish a new Ballad to the bunch ;
Or at any rate the surest hand at mixing of the punch ;
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186 THE UNIVEBSITY FEUD.
'Cause why, die membere meet for that and other
taneful frolics —
And not to say, like Mu£Bncaps, their Cadchix and
CoUec's.
But you see them there Itinerants that preach so long
and loud*
And always takes advantage like the prigs of any crowd.
Have brought their jangling voices, and as far as they
can compass.
Have tum'd a tavern shindy to a seriouserrumpus,
And him as knows most hymns — altho' I can't see how
it foUers —
They want to be the CSiairman of the Glorious ApoUersI
Well, thaf s the row — and who can guess the upshot
after all?
Whether Harmony will ever make the <^ Arms'* her
House of call,
Or whether this here mobbing— as some longish heads
foretel it,
Wm grow to such a riot that the Oxford Blues must
quell it
Howsomever, for the present, there's no sign of any
peace,
For the hubbub keeps a growing, and defies the New
Police ; —
But if I was in the Vestry, and a leading sort of Man,
Or a Member of the Vocals, to get backers for my plan.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE UNIVBBSITY FEUD. 187
Why, Pd settle all the squabble in the twinkle of a
needle.
For I'd have another candidate — and that's the Parish
Who makes such lots of Poetry, himself, or else by proxy,
And no one never has no doubts about his orthodoxy ;
Whereby — if folks was wise — instead of either of them
Scholars,
And strmning their own lungs along of contradictious
hollers,
Theyll lend their ears to reason, and take my advice
as follers.
Namely — Bumble for the Chidrman of the Glorious
•*THE GBEAT NAPOLEON OF THE REALMS 07 RHYME.*'
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188
DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
'* I cannot but adviie all oonddninff men wboae Urea an attended with such
extraordinary inddenu aa mine, or even thoui^ not to extraordinary, not to
slight such Mcret intimatioroof ProTidenoe, let them come from what inricible
tntelliiteDce they wilL That, I shall not dlwuia: but certainly they are a proof
of the oooverw of spirits, and a secret oommunicatioo between those embodied
and those unembodied, and such a proof as can never be withstood."
" Thatsudi hints and notices are given us I beUere few that have made any
obeervatioos of things can deny : that they are certain discoveries of an invisibto
world, and a converM of spirits we caunoC doubtt and if the tendency of them
be to warn us of danger, why should we not suppose they are from some fHeodly
agent (whether supreme, or inferior and sutxnrdinate, is not the question^ and
that they are given for our good ? "— RoBiirton CitaaoB.
** And the Devil is still ready at hand with his evU suggestions, to tempt our
depraved will to some ill-disposed action."
" He begins first with the phantasie, and moves tiuu so strongly, that no
reason is able to rcdst"— Bubtom.
It has been a favourite notion with enthusiasts
and visionaries of various denominations, and in all
ages, that we have an intimate intercourse with the
invisible world : that we are guided in wholesome
or prejudicial courses, and urged to virtuous or
sinful actions by the promptings of good and evil
spirits. Defoe, from whom I have taken my mottoes,
evidentiy inclined to this belief: his earnest repeti-
tion of the argument shows that he personally
entertained the sentiments on the subject which he
has attributed to his hero. It is true that the
Digitized by VjOOQIC
DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 189
quotations have reference only to benevolent
ministerings ; but the author does not therefore
repudiate an infernal agency. On the contrary,
Crusoe readily ascribes to the Devil the mysterious
foot^print on the sand, howbeit the impression is
of a man's naked sole, instead of the old tradi-
tional hoof. In fact, to judge from the writings
and preachings of certain sectarians, the satanical
interference in human affidrs is much more direct
and constant than the providential : the Devil in
propria persond (for his likeness is as well known
as if it had been calotyped by Collen— or daguerreo-
typed by Beard), having an audible voice and a
visible finger in the most humble of their domestic
concerns. Moreover, this theory of an infernal
intercourse is especially mdntained by the weak
and the wicked, to whom it affords a convenient
plea in mitigation, if not an absolute transfer of
their guilt, just as a little boy lays his fault on
a bigger and older instigator. Thus when such
a sinner breaks some divine commandment, or
violates some human law, — if he marries one
woman too few, or two women too many—if he
mbtakes his neighbour's horse for his own ass — or
swears to the wrong fact in an affidavit— or sticks
hb knife in a forbidden sheath,— or absently sets
fire to his house instead of light to his fire— what-
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190 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
ever error the misguided creature may commit, the
blame attaches not to him, but to a certain per*
sonage, who has appropriately been represented like
a sort of black Scape Gk»at, with horns and a tail
In a word— the poor sinner has been the victim of
<< a Diabolical Suggestion."
This popular belief received some thirty years
ago a striking confirmation in the dreadful murder
of an elderly couple, who were killed in bed by their
footman. There was no robbery committed, and the
motive of the assassin was enveloped in the deepest
mystery. The ordinary temptations to such crimes
were all absent — there was no injury to revenge,
no hatred to gratify, no cupidity to indulge, no
delinquency to conceal. Accoixling to his own
account, and in which the criminal persisted at the
gibbet, the deed originated in a sudden and unac-
countable inspiration. He had been asleep, and
on waking the thought came into his head — he
could not tell how — to go and kill his master
and mistress. In vain he strove to banish the
diabolical suggestion — the horrible idea still haunted
him with increasing importunity, till the struggle
becoming intolerable and the impulse irresistible —
ihe murder was consummated !
And was there really in this case any positive
Satanical prompting — an actual whisper from the
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DIABOLICAL 8UGOE8TION8. 191
Prince of Darkness? It is impossible for mortal
man to reply in the negative : but one may at least
show that no such cause was necessary to the e£Eect —
that adirect infernal instigation was not indispensable
to the bloody consequence. It is quite possible that
the first fearful bint was the o£&pringof a dream, —
either a sleeping or waking one — ^for the opening of
the outward organ does not simultaneously close
that other eye, which gazes inwardly at another
theatre, with its own stage, its own scenery, its own
actors, and its own dramas. From the fragments
of some visionary tragedy, just abruptly terminated,
it was quite possible for the imagination to com-
pound a new plot, incoherently mixed up with tlie
dawning actualities of the house and its inmates.
And hence the catastrophe. The mere entrance
and entertainment of an unlawful speculation in an
ignorant, vicious, and ill-governed mind seems to
involve the final working out of the scheme. The
more atrocious the proposal, the more vividly it
presents itself, — the more horrible its features, the
more frequently they recur; as a bad dream is
oftener remembered than a good one. The man
becomes in reality the slave of hb own depraved
imagination — its persecutions wear out what remains
of his better nature, and submitting at last to its
goadings, he performs the abominable task. Thus
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192 DIABOLICAL SUGQESTIONS.
the KiUiDg in Thought begets the Killing in Act :
for which reason, perhaps, the first Murderer was
branded, not in the hand, but on the forehead*
" The wise only,** says Coleridge, " possess
ideas : the greater part of mankind are possessed
by them'' — i. ^. as a person is said to be possessed
by an evil spirit or demon. A saying so true, that
we have only to look round us to discover hundreds
of men and women, gentle and simple, in this state
of mental thraldom; and, in consequence, daily
committing acts so mischievous to themselves or
to others, as to seem the plausible results of Diabo-
lical Suggestions. In this category one may
perhaps include such malefactors as Oxford and
Francis, for whose traitorous attempts there has
hitherto appeared no adequate motive. It is not
necessary, however, to suppose any treasonable
conspiracy — a political purpose, a popular disloyalty,
or private enmity. The original sin needs not be
of so deep a dye* Tlie empty vapourings of a
conceited, shallow-witted potboy, the melodramatic
plottings of the son of a stage carpenter, would
suffice, on the principle laid down, to induce the
criminal result The frequent repetitions of noto-
rious offences — and in the case of Francis, the
servility of the copy — ^the use of the same kind of
weapon and the choice of the identical spot — are
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 193
favourable to this hypothesis* An atrocious idea,
wantonly entertained in the first instance, is pam-
pered and indulged, till like a spoilt child it
tyrannizes over its parent ; and vociferously over-
whelming the still small voice of conscience and
reason — perhaps stiller and smaller than usual in
the individual — compels him to submit to the
growing imperiousness of its dictates* The mind
— the sober, honest, and industrious servant of the
wise and good — is the lord and master of the weak
and wicked. And this is especially true of the
Imagination — ^lovely and beneficent as the delicate
Ariel, under the command of a gifted Prospero —
but headstrong, brutish and devilish as Caliban
turned out — according to a later history — when the
wand that held him in subjection was broken I
A delinquency from this cause — though immea-
surably distant in turpitude from the offences just
mentioned — was committed, no matter when, nor
where, nor by whom ; but he was a medical student
in our metropolis. Amongst his other destructive
or dangerous instruments he possessed a rifle ; and
along with it a <Uploma which entitled him to prac-
tise, on certain days, with other members of a
shooting society at a club-target. At these meet-
ings, the student was a constant attendant and
competitor — ^never dreaming, however, of hitting
VOL. D. K
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194 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
any thing but bull's-eyes — ^till one unlucky day it
suddenly came into his head — he could not tell by
what orifice-— to wonder if he could kill a deer.
From that hour the notion haunted him like a
ghost — in his bed, at his meals, at his prayers even,
or during a walk — which, in fiancy, was only a
Deer-stalking.
It occurred to him, whilst he listened to his
patients — he knew that he could bring down a sick
man, but could he kill a fat buck? He could
operate fatally, as he was aware, on the human
body — but could he do the same by a stag ? The
tormenting problem interfered with his professional
studies — and at the Hospital, while the lecturer
was explaining the functions of auricle and ven-
tricle, the disciple was taking dm along an imagi*
nary gun-barrel at an ideal Hart
At length — the cacoethes, as he called it, be-
came so unbearable, that obeying what Lord
E and his keeper would certainly have consi-
dered a Diabolical Suggestion, the rifleman posted
down to C Park, and unceremoniously put a
ball at 120 paces into the cranium of a monarch of
the forest The creature, as usual in such cases,
sprang wildly aloft, and then fell dead, and the
mental craving expired along with it From that
moment, the student declared he would not have
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 195
given a light farthing to kill another deer, even
though he had held his rifle in his hand, and the
Earl's permission in his pocket.
It appears, then, that an unpruned ima^nation,
backed by an inveterate meinory, may produce evil
consequences in the physical world, without any
supernatural instigations. But by way of illustra-
tion let me adduce two more instances, the first
being of a ludicrous character — the second more
serious in its tone and tragical in its termination.
Amongst my intimates of ten years ago, there
was one named Horace , a young man of a
speculative turn of mind, and as often happens
with such a character, of rather eccentric habits.
When I first knew him he was professedly studying
for the Bar: but his reading had little to do with
the dusty tomes of the law. What he did read
might be gathered from hb conversation, from
which it appeared that his favourite authors were
those who put forward the greatest number of
ingenious paradoxes, or the most fantastical theo-
ries. There was, in fact, a Shandean twist in his
mind that inclined him to all kinds of whimsical
speculations, and that favourite pastime with such
philosophers, the flying of metaphysical kites.
He lived — a bachelor, in a small house in * * *
street, with a limited establishment of domestics,
k2
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196 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
amongst whom he possessed, I verily believe, the
plainest maid-servant in all England. Ugliness
was out of the question ; that has its expression and
its interest, which may become even painful or
fearful ; whereas, the longer you looked at Sally's
countenance, the more ordinary it appeared. La-
vater himself would have been puzzled to find in it
any physiognomical character. It was as plain as
a hard dumpling, and as insipid as gruel without
sugar or salt There was not a single line or
marking in the whole visage to redeem it from the
vacancy of a blank commonplace-book— it was
universally flat and barren of meaning — as plain as
Salisbury Plain — without a Stonehenge. Her figure
was made to match. Her body would have done
for a quadruped as well as for a biped, for it had
no waist in the middle, and was furnished with
limbs so unshapely, that her arms would have
served for legs, and her legs for arms. Her feet
were peculiar, and the pattern Uiey would have
stamped on a soft sand would have deserved a
patent for originality. As to the other extremities
I am not naturalist enough to know whether there
be amongst animals any physical gradation of hands
into paws; but if there be, her hands were of that
intermediate order, with five fingers apiece which
seemed to have degenerated, or rather to have been
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 197
aggravated into thumbs, and moreover each mem-
ber was enveloped in a skin red as beet and of a
texture to have rasped away the stoutest towelling.
In short, she seemed to have been created expressly
for a maid of all-work to some utilitarian — not for
show, but use — not very sightly, but very service-
able— ^like the ancient turnspits.
To her master she was invaluable: being not
only sober, honest, and industrious, but frugal,'
steady, and above all, accustomed to his odd ways
and whims, which she had learned to suit during a
five years' service.
Judge, then, of my astonishment, when on dining,
iite-a-tStej with my friend Horace, the "old familiar
face," whose plainuess had invariably been attend-
ant on the plain dinner, was deficient I Such a
domestic phenomenon it was impossible to observe
without comment; and when the cloth had been
removed I ascertained that Sally had been parted
with: but for some mysterious reason which her
master did not seem inclined to communicate.
"Had she robbed him?"
« No."
"Or been saucy?*'
"No."
" Or taken to drinking?"
" No."
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200 DIABOLICAL 8UGOE8TION8.
Was it possible, that it could find faTOur in the
eyes even of the most coarse, vulgar, and unre-
fined of her own species — a Yorkshire ostler or a
Paddington bargeman ? Was it within probability
that she had ever heard the slightest expression of
admiration — the remotest approach to a personal
compliment? — even from the potboy? Never —
never I And then her figure — that strange clumsy
shape, — <Mf shape it could be called that shape had
none'* — equally devoid of lines of beauty and lines
of deformity, a mere bundle of human flesh, could
it ever have attracted a ticket-porter or a ware-
houseman, accustomed to unsymmetrical bags,
bales, baggage, and packages of goods in bulk —
could her model and proportions have interested
even a lighterman, or ballast-heaver, used to the
contemplation of the rudest craft, the most ungainly
hulks, expressly built for the coarsest drudgery?
Never ! And as to an ofler, as it is called, the
mere idea of suing for that red, stumpy, rough
hand — but confound her hand ! Til tell you what,
my dear fellow, I am convinced that some of our
thoughts are neither more nor less than Diabolical
Suggestions !"
^' It is a rather general opinion."
<< I am certain, at least, that only some demon
of malice or mischief could have put into my head
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 201
to inquire, * What if I were suddenly to seize
and imprint a kiss on t/tat redj scrubby hand?*
She who probably had never received a salute since
her childhood — not even from a tipsy hawbuck in
K 5
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202 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
fair-time — to receive such a love-token from a
gentleman? She, who from her teens, bad never
been addressed with love-nonsense, even by the
baker or his journeyman, to receive a tacit dedarar
tion of the passion from her own master I The
flutter there would be of new-bom Vanity — the
tumult of awakened Hope I In short, I went on
in my own dreamy way, speculating on the revolu-
tion in poor Sally's mind, the sudden cliange that
might be wrought. in all her old sentimeq|ts and
feelings by such an extraordinary occurrence* And
with any other man the foolish whim would have
passed away, harmless, with the hour that gave rise
to it; but it is my misfortune to be cursed with a
memory which Daguerreotypes every image^ and
stereotypes every hypothesis, however crude, vague,
or idle, that it has once entertained. From that
day forward the unlucky girl was associated with
that confounded speculation, and the idea of that
ridiculous manual experiment came up as regularly
as my dinner. There she was, before me, with her
plain unloveable face — and if she placed a dish, or
changed my plate — there was the red, scrubby
hand — suppose I were to kiss it?"
"Hal hal ha!"
" Yes, you may laugh ; but you do not know the
misery of such a besetting fancy. To be teased for
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 203
hours by a haunting tune, or a nonsense verse is
bad enough ; but to be bored by your own thoughts
for daysy weeks, and months is intolerable. In fact,
by the constant recurrence of the kissing notion,
the mere sight of the coarse red hand begot a
mechanical impulse that had to be resisted like a
temptation. I have felt my lips, as it were, making
themselves up for the act — and the wonder is, that
I have never done it involuntarily ; as, to a cer-
tainty, I must some day have done it deliberately
to get rid of the torment of the suggestion. There
was no alternative, therefore, but to banish the
object; and accordingly under the pretence of
reducing my establishment, poor Sally, with an
excellent character for moral beauty, has been
transferred to my sister in the country."
<< Yes, and as a provision against any such temp-
tations in fiiture, you have wisely engaged a new
maid, as lovely and loveable as Perdita, and as
« neat-handed' as Phillis."
Shortly after this conversation, I went to the
Continent, where I remained for some years ; and
on my return, one of my first visits was to my friend
Horace. He was at home, and as usual of a
morning, in his little study, whence, after a short
conversation, he proposed an adjournment to the
drawing-room in the first-floor. Accordingly, still
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204 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
chattering, he led the way to the foot of the stair-
case, which I was about to ascend, when suddenly,
in the very midst of a sentence, he hastily rushed
past me, and ran, or rather flew, up the carpeted
steps, three stairs at a time. Eccentric as he had
always been, his character had hardly prepared
me for this flight, and I hesitated to follow, till his
voice came down from the top landing-place, ear-
nestly begging me to excuse his rudeness, and
promising an explanation.
This, however, I had already forestalled, and so
confidently, that on entering the drawing-room, I
seemed to see the figure of an alarmed female, in
a morning wrapper and curl-papers, escaping by an
opposite door. But there was neither opposite door
nor disconcerted lady of the house : the only living
figure in the room was Horace himself looking
rather flustered and foolish after his recent per-
formance. As soon as he saw me he renewed his
apologies, but in spite of the query in my face,
the explanation was not forthcoming : he was evi-
dently vexed and mortified, and when I directly
applied for the promised elucidation, it was post^
poned till after our lunch, in the hope, perhaps,
that the matter would escape my memory. But
I was not to be so defrauded : the remembrance
of former odd freaks, and the wild and whimsical
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DIABOLICAL SUGQE8TIOMS. 205
theories in which they had originated, determined
me to pluck out the heart of his mystery, — ^to obtain
the solution of his acted riddle. I began, there-
fore, by congratulating him on his agility, of which
he had furnished me with such a singular illus-
tration; but thb hint not taking effect, I fairly
reminded him, that with all thanks for his hospi-
table refreshments, he had excited another appe-
tite, which he was bound in honour to pacify, that
the cravings of my curiosity remained to be ap-
peased, and to forestal any wilful misapprehension
of my meaning, I hummed a few bars of the popu-
lar melody — *< Sich a gettin' up Stairs I"
" Ah — ^it may be a joke to you^^ said Horace,
looking very serious and frog-like ; ^^ but it is death
to me I My health, as you know, is none of the
strongest, and these violent exercises are not adapted
to improve it!"
"Then why indulge in them? There can be
no necessity for a gentleman's running up his own
staircase as you did — unless, like the Poor Gentle-
man in the comedy, he mistakes his friend for a
bailiff."
" No ! — My dear fellow, you are quite mistaken
— but that is your happiness. You have not my
cursed speculative imagination — ^nor my tenacious,
inveterate memory — and you will never die a mar-
tyr, as I shall, to a Diabolical Suggestion."
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206 DIABOLICAL SUGOESTIONa
*' A what?"
** A prompting from the Devil."
« Why — I hope not I am no methodist, to
have the Old Gentleman at my ear and my elbow.
But I beg pardon— you have perhaps jomed the
sect— or may be the Swedenborgians, who believe
in an intercourse with good and evil spirits "
^< Neither. It is not necessary to be a follower
of the Count or of Whitfield, to be subject to such
infernal influence. You remember t^e study I had
engaged in just before you went abroad?"
^< Yes— of the German language. And you
were learning it with your accustomed gluttony, as
if you wanted to get from the tip to the root of the
tongue in a single week."
*< Ah, I had better have taken to the Chinese !
My mastery of the Teutonic language was the
source of my misfortune. You are familiar, of
course, with the German Romances?"
" Only in the translations."
*^ You know, then, the prominent part which is
played by the Devil in their most popular stories.
More prominent even than in Paradise Lost, where
Satan figures, not in the ascendant, but as the
rebellious antagonist of a still mightier Power, and
the divine scheme of Human Redemption moves
parallel with die diabolical plot for Human Per-
dition. In the German Romances, on the con-
Digitized by VjOOQIC
DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 207
trary, the Fiend possesses the earth, and reigns as
absolutely as any Lord Paramount of the feudal
ages. Nay, his sway extends beyond this world to
the world to come, and he has power over life and
death, not only the temporary, but the eternal.
The legitimate Governor of the Universe has been
deposed, and there is a frightful interregnum —
Anarchy succeeds to Order ~ and the blind random
decrees of Chance supersede the ordinances of a
sciential Providence. Immortal souls are lost by
the turn of a die or a card, or saved by some prac-
tical subterfuge or verbal evasion. Fraud and
Violence alone are triumphant. Justice is blind
and Mercy is deaf— the innocent bosom receives
the bullet that was moulded with unholy rites; and
the maiden, whose studies never extended beyond
her prayer-book, is involved in the fate of the ambi-
tious student who bartered his salvation for inter-
dicted knowledge. In short, you seem to recog-
nise that dreary fiction of the atheist— a World
without a God. Such is the German Diablerie !"
" You are too severe."
<< Not at all. Look even at the Faust Youth
and Innocence personified in poor Margaret- have
no chance. She has no fair field ; and assuredly
no favour. The fight is too unequal. She has to
contend single-handed against Man and Mephisto-
Digitized by VjOOQIC
208 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
philes, the witchcraft of human love and the sorcery
of Satanic hatred The Prince of Hell in person
acts supernaturally against her — ^but Heaven is
passive, and works no miracle in her behalf. There
is no help on earth — ^no pity in the skies — ^the
guardian spirits and ministers of grace supposed to
hover round, and to succour oppressed innocence,
keep far aloof — the weak is abandoned to the
strong — and the too tender and trusting nature is
burdened, through a sheer diabolical juggle, with
the unnatural murder of a Mother. The trial is
beyond Humanity. Hie seductions of Faust are
backed by the artifices of the subtle Spirit that
overcame Eve; and Margaret falls as she needs
must under such fearful odds— and seemingly un»
watched by that providential eye which marks the
fall of a sparrow. There is indeed the final chorus
from Heaven, that ^ Sh% is saved !' but was any
mind ever satisfied — were you ever satisfied with
that tardy exhibition of the Divine Justice — ^just as
Poetical Justice is propitiated at the end of some
wretched melo-dramatic novel, wherein at the
twelfth hour the long-persecuted heroine is unex-
pectedly promoted to a state of happiness ever
after?"
" Well—there is some show of truth and reason
in your criticism — but, revenir a noM moutons — what
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DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 209
has either Faust or the Freyschutz to do with your
scampering up stairs?"
^^ Every thing* After learning German, my first
use of the acquisition was to go through all their
Romances, and consequently a regular course of
Diablerie — from the Arch Demon who inhabited
Pandemonium, to the Imp that lived in a bottle —
from the scholar who bartered his soul, to the fellow
who sold his own shadow. The consequence I
might have foreseen. My head became stuflTed
with men in black and black dogs — ^with unholy
compacts, and games of chance. I dreamt of Wal-
purgis Revels and the Wolf's Glen — Zamiel glared
on me with his fiery eyes by night; and the smooth
voice of Mephistophiles kept whispering in my ear
by day. Wherever my thoughts wandered, there
was the foul Fiend straddling across their path, like
Bunyan's ApoUyon, — ready to play with me for my
immortal soul at cards or dice — ^to strike infernal
bargains, and to execute unholy contracts to be
signed with blood and sealed with sulphur. In a
word, I was completely be-Devilled."
" But the stairs — ^the running up stwrs?"
** The result of my too intimate acquaintance
with so much folly and profanity — a kind of bet.
S'death ! I'm ashamed to mention it ! — a sort of
wager that came into my head one day — a diabo-
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210 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
lical suggestion of course — that the Fiend might
have me body and soul, in de£Giult of my reachmg
the top of the stairs before counting a certain
number I **
« What ! a wager with the Devil ! "
" Yes— the infernal suggestion — for it was an
infernal suggestion — was whispered to me at the
stair-foot; and as if my salvation had really de-
pended on the issue, I was up the whole flight in
an instant The next moment sufficed to convince
me of the absurdity, not to say sinfulness, of the
act; but what defence is our deliberate reason
against such sudden impulses? Before reflection
could come into play, the thing was done and over.
Nor was that the end. You remember my irresis-
tible prompting to kiss the red, rugged hand of
poor Sally?"
" Perfecdy."
*< Well, there was the same mental process.
You know how much our ideas are the slaves of
association— and especially they are so in a tena-
cious mind like mine, in which the most trivial
fancies obtain a permanent record. To find myself
near any stairs was enough therefore to revive the
diabolical hint — the mere sight of a banister set
me ofl^— in fact, before the month was out I had
raced again, again, and again, not only up my own
Digitized by VjOOQIC
DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 211
flight, but up those of half my friends and acquaint-
ances."
It was impossible to help laughing at this de-
scription. The picture of a gentleman scampering
up people's stairs, with the agility of a lamplighter,
was, as I said in my apology, so very comical.
" Humph I Not if you knock down your own
servant with the tray, or frighten an old rich aunt
into hysterics — ^both of which I have performed
within the last week.''
" But you might perhaps break yourself — "
" Never ! it's impossible ! As I said before, the
mere sight of the banisters is enough. Besides,
from practice, the thing has become a habit, and
the mental prompting is backed by a bodily im-
pulse. No;" and he shook his head very gravely^
<< I shall never leave it o£P— except by death. And
with my state of health, to run full speed up a long
flight, — there are six-and-twenty stairs, and two
sharp turns — under penalty of eternal perdition,
before one could count a score — "
« Why, surely you do not believe in the validity
of such a wager I "
" Heaven alone knows," replied Horace, very
solemnly, who, if he had not been made positively
superstitious by his Grerman reading, and his fami-
liarity with the supernatural, had at least learned
Digitized by VjOOQIC
212 DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS.
to regard the abstract evil principle as a real and
active personage. << I have tried over and over
again to argue myself into your opinion. But all
my reasoning and casuistry are of no avail against
a sort of vague misgiving ; and, as the forfeit b too
awful to be rbked on a doubt, I always take care,
as far as in me lies, to secure the stake by winning
the wager — that is to say, by getting to the top
before I can count twenty."
" You might secure it by slow counting."
" As if that would retard hist No, my dear fel-
low, there is no cheating him I To tell the truth,
I shudder at times to think what may happen to
me — a fall — a sprain — ^the encounter of other peo-
ple on the stairs — a loose rod — ^the cat or dog —
which, by the bye, shall be sent away "
I looked again, full in Horace's face ; but he was
as grave as a Judge, and evidently in sad, sober
earnest: as indeed appeared the next minute, when
he went off into one of his fits of abstraction, but
continued to talk to himself. From what he mut-
tered it was plain that he was in the predicament
of the people described by Coleridge as "possessed"
by their own ideas. Some of his expressions .even
impressed me with a doubt of his perfect sanity —
whether he was not under the influence of a kind
of monomania. However, I tried to laugh and
Digitized by VjOOQIC
DIABOLICAL SUGGESTIONS. 218
retison him out of his " wager," but the attempt
was futile, and I took my leave*
" God bless you, my dear fellow !" and the tears
filled his eyes as he energetically squeezed my
hand, " it is the last time you will see me — mark
my words. However it may affect me liereajier^
that Diabolical Suggestion has done for me here —
and will hurry me to my grave !"
Poor Horace ! His prediction was too true. On
calling upon him a month afterwards, I found that
he had let and removed from his old residence : but
one of his servants had remained with the new
tenants, and was able to give me some particulars
of her ex-master. His health had suddenly broken
— his complaint declaring itself to be a decided
organic affection of the heart, and he had suffered
from violent palpitations and spasms in the chest.
The doctors had ordered change of air and scene
—and about a fortnight before he had gone into
the country, somewhere in Sussex, where he was
living in a cottage, that, as she significantly added,
was ^^ all on one floor." But alas I she was incor-
rect in her statement He was living nowhere ; for
that very morning he had gone to call on the cler-
gyman of the parish, and after a flight— which
made the footman believe that he had admitted a
madman, dropped dead on the last top step of the
drawing-room stairs !
Digitized by VjOOQIC
214
A HARD CASE.
'< Wbo sball decide wben doctors disagree ? '*
*Tis with their judgments as their watches, none
Go just alike, but each believes his own.— Pope.
That Doctors di£Rer, has become a common
proverb ; and truly, considering the peculiar disad-
vantages under which they labour, their variances
are less wonders than matters of course. If any
man works in the dark, like a mole, it is the Physi-
cian. He has continually, as it were, to divine the
colour of a pig in a poke — or a cat in the bag. He
is called in to a suspected trunk without the police-
man's privilege of a search. He is expected to pass
judgment on a physical tragedy going on in the
house of life, without the critic's free admission to
the performance. He is tasked to set to ri^ts
a disordered economy, without, as the Scotch
say, going «< hen^'* and must guess at riddles hard
as Sampson's as to an animal with a honey-
combed inside. In fact, every malady is an Enig-
a, aj:id when the doctor gives you over, he ^' gives
it up."
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A HARD CASE. 215
A few weeks ago one of these puzzles, and a
very intricate one, was proposed to the faculty at a
metropolitan hospital. The disorder was desperate :
the patient writhed and groaned in agony — ^but
his lights as usual threw none on the subject. In
the meantime the case made a noise, and medical
men of all degrees and descriptions, magnetizers,
Digitized by VjOOQIC
!216 A HABD CASE.
homoiopathists, hydropathists, mad doctors, sane
doctors, quack doctors, and even horse doctors,
flocked to the ward, inspected the symptoms^ and
then debated and disputed on the nature of the
disease. It was in the brain, the heart, the liver,
the nerves, the muscles, the skin, the blood, the
kidneys, the " globes of the lungs," " the momen-
tum," " the pancras," " the capilaire vessels," and
the "gutty sereny." Then for its nature: it was
chronic, and acute, and intermittent, and non-con-
tagious, and " ketching," and " inflammable," and
" heredittary," and " eclectic," and Lord knovrs
what besides. However, the discussion ended in a
complete wrangle, and every doctor being mounted
on his own theory, never was there such a scene
since the Grand Combat of Hobby Horses at the
end of Mr. Bayes's Rehearsal I
^^Ifs in his stomach I" finally shouted the
House-Surgeon, — after the departing disputants, —
" ifs in his stomach /"
The poor patient, who in the interval had been
listening between his groans, no sooner heard this
decision, than his head seemed twitched by a
spasm, that also produced a violent wink of the
left eye. At the same time he beckoned to the
surgeon.
<^ You*re all right, doctor — as right as a trivet."
Digitized by VjOOQIC
A HABD CASE. 217
"I know I am,** said the surgeon, — "it's in
your stomach.**
** It is in my stomach, sure enough.**
" Yes— flying gout**—
" Flying what !*' exclaimed the patient " No,
no sich luck, Doctor,** and he made a sign for the
surgeon to put his ear near his lips, " it*s six Hoffs
and a JBm//, as I've swaller'd.**
ON THE PORTRAIT OF A LADY,
TAKEN BY THE OAGUEBRCOTYPE.
Yes, there are her features ! her brow, and her hair,
And her eyes, with a look so seraphic.
Her nose, and her mouth, with the smile that is there,
Truly caught by the Art Photographic I
Yet why should she borrow such aid of the skies.
When by many a bosom*s confession.
Her own lovely face, and the light of her eyes,
Are sufficient to make an impressimi f
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218
THE LEE SHORE.
Sleet I and Hail I and Thunder I
And ye Winds that rave,
Till the sands thereunder
Tinge the sullen wave —
Winds, that like a Demon,
Howl with horrid note
Round the toiling Seaman,
In his tossing boat —
From his humble dwelling,
On the shingly shore.
Where the billows swelling.
Keep such hollow roar —
From that weeping Woman,
Seeking with her cries,
Succour superhuman
From the frowning skies —
From the Urchin pining
For his Father's knee —
From the lattice shining.
Drive him out to seal
Let broad leagues dissever
Him from yonder foam —
Oh, God I to think Man ever
Comes too near his Home!
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219
ENGLISH RETROGRESSION.
" Up one- pair backwrarda."
^ ACKherr
~ JU) shouted the
; ~ Captain,
' from the
' paddle-box
oftheLive-
^_- ly to the
cabin-boy
on the deck,
who repeat-
ed the com-
mand to the
en^neer in
the hold —
' and the
paddles being reversed to order, the packet, with
a retrograde motion, began to approach the pier,
to which she was soon secured by a hawser. Her
passage across the Channel had been a rough one :
but as all passages come to an end at last, she had
arrived in a French harbour and smooth water.
l2
Digitized by VjOOQIC
220 ENGLISH BETROORESSION.
There is this advantage in a stormy voyage by
sea, that it makes one land on a foreign soil as cor-
dially as if it were native ; and accordingly with the
most perfect satisfaction I found myself standing,
high and dry, in that seaport, the name of which
Queed Mary of England, sumamed the Bloody,
declared would be found engraven on her heart —
the earliest instance, by the by, of lithography.
For my own part, my heart was also deeply inte-
rested in the locality, which, to an Englishman is
classical ground, and associated with literary fic-
tions as well as historical facts. Not to name a
certain slender figure of a Traveller in black, with
a clerical wig and hat, my mind's eye was filled
with the familiar phantoms of personages almost as
real to me as the place itself; and the very scenery
in which they had played their parts, was shortly to
be before me. With the help of a Calais touter, I
had found my way to the wrong Hotel, the master
of which stood bowing to me, as only a Frenchman
can bow, and congratulating me— or rather all
France — if not all Europe — on my safe arrival. In
compliment to my nation, he pretended to use our
native language, but of course it was a strange
jargon — for it seems to be the pleasure of "our
Sweet Enemy France'* — as Sir Philip Sidney
called her — ^since she cannot break our ranks, or
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ENGLISH BBTBOGRESSION. 2t21
our banks, or our hearts, heads, winds, or spirits, to
break our English. But my head and heart were
too fiill of Monsieur Dessein, the Mendicant Monk,
the D^bligeant, the Remise, the Fair Fleming,
and the Snuff-Box to notice or resent the liberties
that were taken with our insular tongue.
^^And now. Monsieur," said I, after bandying
civilities which employed us to the top of the firs^
flight of stairs — ^^ and now. Monsieur, be pleased
to show me the chamber which was occupied by
the Author of the ^ Sentimental Journey.' "
"La journee?"
" Yes, the apartment of our Tristam Shandy."
" L'apartement — triste — "
" Exactly : the room where he had that memb-
rable interview with the Monk of the Franciscan
order."
** Order ? — ah I— oui — yes — you shall order, sare,
what you will please — "
" All in good time, Monsieur, — but I must first
see the room that was tenanted by our immortal
Sterne."
"Sterne!" ejaculated my host—" eh? — Sterne?
— Diable Temportel — it is de oder Hotel Mon
Dieul c'est une drole de chose — but de English
pepels when dey come to Calais, dey always come
Sterne foremost!^
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222
THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
A CITY ROMANCE.
She entered his shop, which was very neat and spacious, and
he received her with' all the marks of the most profound respect,
entreating her to sit down, and showing her with his hand the
most honourable place Arabian Nights.
CHAPTER I.
Mr. Booby was in his shop^ his back to the fire
and his face to the T^mes^ when happening to
look above the upper edge of the newspaper,
towards the street, he caught sight of an equipage
that seemed familiar to him.
Could it be I
Tes, it was the same dark brown chariot, with
the drab liveries, — the same gray horses, with the
same crest on the harness, and above all the
same lady-face was looking through the carriage-
window !
In a moment Mr. Booby was at his glass-door,
obsequiously ushering the fair customer into his
shop, where with his profoundest bow and his
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. 223
sunniest smile he invited her to a seat at tlie
counter. Her commands were eagerly solicited
and promptly executed. The two small volumes
she asked for were speedily produced, neatly
packed up, and delivered to the footman in drab,
to be deposited in the dark-brown chariot But
the lady still lingered. Thrice within a fortnight
she had occupied the same seat, on each occasion
making a longer visit than the last, and becoming
more and more friendly and fisuniliar. Perhaps,
being past the prime of life, she was flattered by
the extremely deferential attentions of the young
tradesman; perhaps she was pleased with the
knowledge he possessed, or seemed to possess, of a
particular subject, and was gratified by the interest
which he took, or appeared to take, in her favourite
science. However, she still lingered, smiling very
pleasantly, and chatting very agreeably in her low,
sweet voice, while she turned over the pretty iUus-
trated volumes that were successively oflered to her
notice.
In the mean time the delighted Booby did his
utmost in the conversational way to maintain his
ground, which was no easy task, seeing that he was
not well read in her favourite science, nor indeed
in any other. In fact, he did not read at all ; and
although a butcher gets beefish, a bookseller does
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224 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
not become bookish, from the mere smell of his
commodity* Nevertheless he managed to get on,
in his own mind, very tolerably, adding a few words
about Egypt and the Pyramids to the lady's men-
tion of the Sphinx, and at the name of Memnon,
edging in a sentence or two about the British
Museum. Sometimes, indeed, she alluded to clas-
sical proper names altogether beyond his acquaint-
ance ; but in such cases, he escaped by flying ofl^ at
a tangent to the new ballet, or the last new novel,
of which he had derived an opinion from the adver-
tisements—nay, even digressing at need, like Sir
Peter Laurie, on the Omnibus nuisance, and the
Wooden Pavements. To tell the truth, the lady,
as sometimes happens, was so intent on her own
share of the discourse, that she paid little attention
to his topics or their treatment, and so far from
noticing any incongruity would have allowed him
to talk imheeded of the dullness of the publishing
trade, and the tightness of money in the Gty.
Thanks to this circumstance he lost nothing in her
opinion, whilst his silent homage and assiduities
recommended him so much to her good graces,
that at parting he received an especial token of her
favour.
^* Mr. Booby,^ said the lady, and she drew to
embossed card from an elegant silver case, and pre-
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. '225
seated it to the young publisher, *^ you must come
and see me."
Mr. Booby was of course highly delighted and
deeply honoured ; not merely verbally, but actually
and physically ; for as he took the embossed card,
his blood thrilled with delight to the very tips of his
fingers. Not that he was in love with the donor ;
though still handsome, she was past the middle*age,
and, indeed, old enough, according to the popular
phrase, to have been his mother. But then she was
so ladylike and well-bred, and had such a carriage
— the dark brown one — and so afiSetble— with a foot-
man and a gold-headed cane — quite a first-rate
connexion — with a silver crest on the harness — and
oh I such a capital piur of well-matched grays !
These considerations were all very gratifying to his
ambition; but above all, his vanity was flattered
by a condescension which confirmed him in an
opinion he had long indulged in secret — namely,
that in personal appearance, manners, and fashion,
he was a compound of the Apollo Belvidere and
Lord Chesterfield, with a touch of Count D'Orsay.
But the lady speaks.
" Any morning, Mr. Booby, except Wednesday
and Friday. I shall be at home all the rest of
the week, and shall leave orders for your admit-
tance."
l5
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226 THE CAMBEBWELL BEAUTY.
Mr. Booby bowed, as far as he could, after
the fashion of George IV.— escorted the lady into
the street, as nearly as possible in the style of the
Master of the Ceremonies at Brighton, and then
handed her into her carriage with the air, as well
as he could imitate it, of a French Marquis of the
ancii*n rigime.
** I shall expect you, Mr. Booby," said the lady,
through the carriage-window. ^< And as an induce-
ment''— here she smiled mysteriously, and nodded
significantly — ^* you shall have a peep at my Cam-
berwell Beauty."
CHAPTER II.
"And did he go?"
Why, as to his figure, it had been three times
cut out, at full length, in black paper — once on the
Chain Pier at Brighton— once in Regent-street,
and once — .
"But did he go?"
Then, for his face, he had twice bad it done in
oil, thrice in crayons, and once in pencil by Wage-
man. Moreover, he had had it minatured by Lover
— and he had been in treaty with Behnes for his
bust, but the marbling came so expensive —
"But did he go, I say?"
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. '2'27
So expensive that he gave up the design, and
contented himself with a mask in plaster of Paris.
"But did he go?"
Yes— to both. To CoUen for a half-length, and
lo Beard for a whole one. I think that was all —
but no—he went to What's-his-name, the modeller,
and had a cast taken of his leg.
" Hang his leg ! Did he go or not ?"
To be sure he was a tradesman ; but liis line was
a genteel one; and his shop was double-fronted,
in a first-rate thoroughfare, and lighted with gas.
Then as to his business, with strict assiduity and
attention, and a little more punctuality and de-
spatch—
" Confound his business ! — Did — he —go?"
To the Opera? Yes, often. And had his
clothes made at the West End— and gave cham-
pagne— and backed a horse or two for the Darby —
and smoked cigars — and was altogether, for a
tradesman, very much of a gentleman.
" But, for the last time, did he go ?"
Where?
" Why to see the Beauty !"
He did.
" What to Camberwell ?"
No ; but to the looking-glass, over the mantel-
shelf in his own dining-room, and where. Narcissus
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228 THE CAM6ERWELL BEAUTY.
like, he gazed at his reflected image till he actually
persuaded himself that he was as unique as the
Valdarfer Boccaccio, and as elegantly got up as
Lockhart's Spanbh Ballads.
CHAPTER IIL
The dark brown chariot was gone.
As it rattled away, and just as the drab back of
the footman disappeared, Mr. Booby turned his
attention to the embossed card, and deliberately
read the address thrice over.
"Mrs. E. G. Heathcote, Grove Terrace, CambenoeU."
To what wild dreams, to what extravagant specu-
lations did it ^ve birth ! He had evidently made
a favourable impression on the mature lady, and
might not his merits do him as good service with
her daughter, or niece, or ward, or whatever she
was, the young lovely creature to whom she had
alluded by so charming a title. The Camberwell
Beauty I The acknowledged Venus of that large
and populous parish! The Beauty of all the
Grove, and Grove Lane— of the Old road and the
New— of all the Green — of Church-row and the
Terrace, of all Champion and Denmark Hills — of
all Cold Harbour Lane ! The loveliest of the
lovely, from the Red Cap on the north to the
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. 229
Greyhound on the south — from the Holland Anns
in the east to the Blue Anchor in the west !
** Here, Perry, reach me the Book of Beauty."
The shopman handed the volume to his master,
who began earnestly to look through the illustrar
tions, wondering which of those bewitching coun-
tesses, or mistresses, or misses, the fair incognita
might resemble. But such speculations were futile,
so the book was closed and thrown aside ; and then
his thoughts reverting to his own personal preten-
sions, he passed his fingers through his hair,
adjusted his collar, and drawing himself up to his
full height, took a long look at his legs. But this
survey was partial and unsatisfactory, and accord-
ingly striding up the stairs, three at once, he
appealed to the looking-glass in the dining-room,
as stated in the preceding chapter.
The verdict of the mirror has been told, and the
result was a conviction in the mind of Mr. Booby,
that sometime, and somewhere, the Beauty must
have been smitten with his elegant appearance —
perhaps in an open carriage at Epsom — perhaps in
the street — but most probably as he was standing
up, the observed of all observers, in the pit of Her
Majesty's Theatre.
For the rest of the day Mr. Booby retired from
business; indeed, he was in a state of exaltation
Digitized by VjOOQIC
230 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
that unfitted him for mercantile afiairs, or any of
the commonplace operations of life. The doth
was laid, and the dinner was served up, but he
could not eat; and as usual in such cases, he laid
the blame on the cook and the butcher. The soles
were smoked, the melted butter was oiled, the
potatoes were over-boiled, the steak was fresh
killed, the tart was execrable, and the cheese had
been kept too dry. In short he relbhed nothing
except the bumper of sherry^ which he filled and
drank off, dedicating it mentally to the Camberwell
Beauty.
The second glass was poured out and quafied to
his own honour, and the third was allotted to an
extempore sentiment, which rolled the two former
toasts into one. These ceremonies performed, he
again consulted the mirror over the mantelshelf,
carefully pocket-combing his hair, and plucking
up his collar as before. But these were mere
commonplace manoeuvres compared with those in
which he afterwards indulged.
Now of all absurd animals, a man in love is the
most ridiculous, and of course doubly so if he
should be in love with two at once, himself and a
lady. This being precisely the case with Mr.
Booby, he gave a loose to his two-fold passion,
and committed follies enough for a brace of love-
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. 231
lunatics. It would have cured a quinsey to have
seen and heard how he strutted, and chuckled,
and smiled, and talked to himself — how he prac-
tised bowing, and sliding, and kneeling, and sighing
— how he threw himself into attitudes and ecsta-
cies, and then how he twisted and wriggled to look
at his calves, and as far as he could all round
his waist, and up his back I Never, never was
there a man in such a fever of vanity and love-
delirium, since the conceited Steward, who walked
in yellpw-stockings and cross-gartered, and dreamt
that he was a fitting mate for the Beauty of lUyria !
CHAPTER IV.
All lovers are dreamei*s —
" In real earnest!"
Perfectly, miss. They are notorious visionaries,
whether asleep or awake.
<*' Why, then, of all things, let us have the dream
of Mr. Booby about the Camberwell Beauty. It
mast have been such a very curious one, consider-
ing that he had never seen the lady ! "
It was, and, remembering his business, rather
characteristic to boot. I have hinted before, how
vainly he had tried, during the day, to paint an
ideal portrait of the Fair Unknown, and no sooner
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232 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
were his eyes closed at night, than a similar series
of vague figures and faces began to tantalize him
in his sleep. Dim feminine shapes, of every style
of beauty, flitted before him, and vanished like
Daguerreotype images, which there was not light
enough to fix. Before he could examine, or choose,
and say ^* this must be the Idol,'' the transitory
phantom was gone, or transfigured. The blonde
ripened into a brunette, the brunette bleached into
a blonde before he could decide on either com--
plexion. Flaxen tresses darkened into jet — raven
locks brightened into golden ringlets, and yellow
curls into auburn, before he could prefer one
colour to another. Black eyes changed at a wink
into gray; blue in a twinkling to hazel,— but no,
they were green ! The commanding figure dwin-
dled into a sylph, the fairy swelled into the fine
woman, the majestic Juno melted into a Venus,
the rosy Hebe became a pale Minerva — ^who in
turn looked for a moment like the lady in the fron-
tispiece to the ** Book of Beauty ; '' and then, one
after another, like all the Beauties at Blampton
Court!
Alas! amid such a bewildering galaxy, how
could he fix on the Beauty of Camberwell I
One angelic figure, which retained its shape and
features somewhat longer than the rest, informed
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. 233
him, by the mysterious correspondence of dreams,
that she was the Beauty of Buttermere. Another
lovely phantom, who presented herself rather
vividly, by signs understood only in visions, let
him know that she was the Beauty who had es-
poused the gentle Beast. And, finally, a whole
bevy of Nymphs and Graces suddenly appeared
at once, but as suddenly changed —
" Into what — pray what?"
Why, into a row of books, and which signified
to him by their lettered backs that they were «* the
Beauties of England and Wales ! "
CHAPTER V.
Thursday morning! —
It was the first day on which Mrs. E. G. Heath-
cote, of Grove Terrace, Camberwell, was to be
" at home ; " and the eager Mr, Booby had re-
solved to avail himself of the very earliest oppor-
tunity for a visit. A determination not formed so
much on his own account, as for the sake of the
enamoured love-sick creature, whom his vanity
painted as sitting on pins, needles, thorns, tenter-
hooks, and all the other picked pointed articles
.which are popularly supposed to stuff the seats,
cushions, pillows, and bolsters of the chairs^
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23^ THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY..
beds, sofas, and settees, of anxious and impatient
people*
Accordingly, no sooner was breakfast over, than
snatching up his hat, he set out —
** Ah, to Gracious Street for the homnibus !"
No ma'am — to the Poultry for a pair of exqui-
sitely-made French gloves, that fitted better than
his skin, and were of the most delicate lemon-
colour that you ever, or never, saw. Thence he
went to Cheapside, where he treated himself to a
superfine thirty-shilling beaver, of a fashionable
shape, that admirably suited the character of his
physiognomy; after which he bought, I forget
where, a bottle of genuine Eau de Cologne — the
sort that is manufactured by Jean Marie Farina,
and by nobody else — and finally, looking in at a
certain noted shop near the Mansion-house, he
purchased a bouquet of the choicest and rarest
flowers of the season.
" Well, and then he went to the bus.**
No — he returned home to dress — namely, in
his best blue coat with the brass buttons, a fancy
waistcoat, black trousers, and patent leather boots.
His shirt was frilled — with an ample allowance of
white cufi^— -and his silken cravat was of a pale
sky-blue. Of course, he did not fail to consult
the looking-glass in the dining-room, which assured
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY. 235
him that his costume was complete. The shop-
men, however, to whom he afterwards submitted
the question, were more inclined to demur. The
clerk thought that an Union pin would have been
an improvement to the cravat, and the porter
would have preferred a few Mosaic studs in the
shirt-front. In answer to which, the master, who
had consulted them, declared that they knew
nothing about the matter.
In the mean time the hour struck which he had
appointed in his own mind for the start, so hastily
striding up Comhill and turning into Grace-
church-street, he luckily obtained the last vacant
place in an omnibus, which was already on the
move. As usual, the number of the passengers
was considerably reduced ere the vehicle reached
the Red Cap, at the Green — in fact, there re-
mained but three gentlemen besides Mr. Booby,
who after some preliminary conversation, con-
trived to turn the discourse on the subject that lay
nearest his heart. But he took nothing by his
motion. A little cross-looking old fellow, in the
corner-seat, looked knowing but said nothing : the
other two passengers declared that they had never
heard of the Camberwell Beauty.
" I am going to see her, however," said Mr.
Booby.
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336 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
** Are you, sir?** retorted the little crabbed--
looking old gentleman in the corner-seat. ^^ Well,.
I hope you may get her ! "
*^ 1 hope, in fact I have reason to believe, that
I shall,** replied the self-confident Mr. Booby,,
and twitching the Mackintosh of the conductor,
he desired to be set down at the bottom of the
Grove.
** It is rather strange,** he thought, as he
walked slowly up the hill, ^ that they have not
heard of hen The little old chap in the comer
though, seemed to know her, and to be rather
jealous of me. But, no — it's impossible that he
can be a rival ;'* and as he said this, there occurred
a corresponding alteration in his gait — ^< perhaps
he's her father or her uncle."
CHAPTER VL
Bravo, Vanity !
Of all friends in need, seconds, backers, om-
fidents, helpers, and comforters, there is none like
Self-Conceit ! Of all the Life Assurances in Eng-
land, from the Mutual to the Equitable, there is
none like Self- Assurance ! It defies the cc^
water of timidity and the wet blankets of diffidence
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THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTT. 237
— and against the aguish, chilly, and hot fits of
modesty it is as sovereign as Quinine !
How many men, for instance, on a similar
errand to that of the young bookseller, would have
felt nerve-quakes and tremor cordis^ and have
scarcely mustered courage enough to pull the bell
at the gate I How many would have remained in
the front garden shilly-shallying like Master
Slender, till the Camberwell Beauty herself came
forth, as sweet Anne Page did, to entreat her
bashful wooer to enter the premises !
Not so with Mr. Booby; as soon as he had
ascertained the right house, he walked resolutely
up to the door, and played on the knocker some-
thing very analogous to a flourish of trumpets.
The well-known footman in the drab livery ap-
peared to the summons and admitted the visiter,
who contrived during his progress through the
hall to smooth his coat-tails, pluck up his collar,
pull down his white cufis, and pass his pocket-comb
through hb hair. He was going, moreover, to
hang up his hat; but luckily remembered the
present mode, and that the beaver was bran new,
wherefore he carried it with him into the drawing-
room — ^a very indifferent fashion, be it said, and
particularly in the case of an invitation to dinner,
for what can be more ridiculous than to see a guest
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238 THE CAA)BERW£LL BEAUTY.
sitting hat in hand, as if he had dropped in un-
asked, and was far from certain of a welcome.
" And did he see the Beauty ?"
No, madam. Mrs. Heathcote was alone: but
obviously prepared for the visit. A number of
handsomely bound books almost covered the round
table, some of them open, and exhibiting coloured
plates illustrative of Conchology, Geology, and
Botany ; others were devoted to Ornitliology and
Entomology — hinting, by the way, that the lady
was rather multifarious in her studies.
In manner she was as condescending, aifable,
and agreeable as ever, and as chatty as usual, in
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THE GAMBBRWELL BEAUTY. '239
her low, sweet voice. Nevertheless, her visiter
did not feel quite so much at his ease as he had
anticipated. After the first compliments, and
commonplace remarks on the weather, the lady's
conversation became perplexingly scientific, her
allusions distressingly obscure, while technical
terms, and classical proper names, fell in quick
succession from her lips. Some of the names
seemed familiar to the ear oPthe listenei*, but before
he could determine whether he had heard them
at school, or in his business, or at the opera, he
was obliged to *< give them up," and direct his
guesses to a fresh set of riddles. Every moment
he was getting more mystified ; — he knew no more
than a dog whether she was talking mythology, or
metaphysics, or natural history, or algebra, or
alchemy, or astrology, or all six of them at once.
This ignorance was sufficiently irksome ; but it
soon became alarming, for she began to make
more direct appeals to him, and occasionally
seemed surprised ana olJtatisfied with his answers.
His old shifts, besides, were no longer of any avail
— she turned a deaf ear to bis quotations from the
Times and Herald — the theatrical movements, the
odds at Tattersall's, and the progress of the New
Royal Exchange. Above all, he trembled to find
that the extraordinary mental efforts he was oom*-
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240 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY.
pelled to make in order to keep pace with her,
were fast driving out of his head all the pretty
speeches which he had prepared for a more interest*
ing conference. In a word, he was thoroughly
flabbergasted — as completely topsyturvied in bis
ideas as the fly that walks on the ceiling, with its
head downwards. What course to take he knew
no more than that vainly enlightened man, the
man in the moon. He fidgeted in his seat,
coughed, sighed, blew his nose, snified at the
bouquet, looked " all round his hat," then into it,
and then on the crown of it, but without making
any discovery. The lady meanwhile talking on, in
a full stream, for all he knew, like Coleridge on
the Samo-Thracian Mysteries I
" Well, well, never mind her nonsense.''
Poor Booby ! His conceit was fast being taken
out of him. His vanity was oozing out at every
pore of liis body — his assurance seemed peeling off
his face, like the skin after a fever. He was dying
to see the Beauty — but alas I there was that
eternal tongue, inexhaustible as an Artesian spring,
still pourings pouring, — by the way, ma'am, did
you ever read the " Arabian Nights ?"
<* Of course, sir."
Well, then, you will remember the story of the
tailor who, burning, broiling, and frying to see his
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY^ 241
beauty of Bagdad by appointment, was detained,
half-shaved, hour after hour, by Es-S^mit, the
garrulous barber. N6w, call the tailor Mr. Booby,
and put the babbling tonsor into petticoats, and
you will have an exact notion of the case — how
the lady gossipped, and bow the perplexed lover
fretted and fumed, till, like the oriental, he felt
** as if his gall-bladder had burst,** and was ready
to cry out with him, " For the sake of heaven be
silent, for thou hast crumbled my liver !"
" Dear me, how shocking !"
Very I In spite of the rudeness of the act he
could not refrain from looking at his watch — ^an
hour had passed, and yet there had been no more
mention of the Beauty than if she had been
doomed, like the Sleeping one, to lie dormant for
a hundred years. The most distressing doubts
and misgivings began to creep over him. For
example, that the talkative lady was not precisely
of sound mind — she was certainly rather flighty
and rambling in her discourse — and consequently
that the lovely being she bad promised to intro-
duce to him might be altogether a fiction I His
spirits sank at the idea, like the quicksilver before
a hurricane, and he heartily wished himself back in
bis own shop, or his warehouse, — anjrwhere but
alone in the same room with a crazy woman, who
talked Encyclopedias, till he was as heavy at heart,
VOL n. M
Digitized by VjOOQIC
242 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY*
as confused in his head, and as uneasy all over as
if he had just feasted with a geogolist on pudding-
stone and conglomerate.
Never had be been so mystified and confounded
in all his life ! Accustomed to revolve in the circle
of his own perfections, his thoughts were utterly at
fault when called to the consideration of circum-
stances and combinations at all complex or extra*
ordinary ; whilst his superficial knowledge, limited
to the covers of books, failed to furnish him with
any hint towards the unravelment of a mystery
quite equal, in his estimation, to the intricacies of
a romance. What would he not have given for a
few minutes' private consultation with his C^, with
his Clerk, or even with bis Porter I
A dozen times he was on the point of rbing,
determined to plead a sudden headach, a bleeding
at the nose, or a forgotten engagement; and cer-
tainly ere long he would have said or done some-
thing desperate if the eccentric lady had not, of
her own accord, put a period to his suspense by
saying abruptly,
" But we have gossipped enough, Mr. Booby,
and I must now introduce you to my Camberwell
Beauty."
The crisis was come! The important inter-
view was at hand I Mr. Booby sprang to his
feet, twitched his collar, plucked his cufis, set
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THE CAMBEBWELL BEAUTY. 243
up his hair, clapped his bran new hat under his
left arm, and smelling and smiling at his bouquet,
walked jauntily on his tiptoes, at the invitation of
the lady, into a sort of boudoir.
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244 THE CAMBERWELL BEAUTY,
CHAPTER VIL
" And was the Beauty in the little room?"
Yes. There was also a couch in it, and a most
luxurious library chair. One side of the wall was
covered with cases of stu£Ped birds of the smaller
speciesy the opposite side was occupied by cases
of shells, and specimens of minerals, and metallic
ores, and the third side was taken up with cases
of beetles, moths and butterflies.
« But the Beauty ?**
On the sofa-table lay a Hortus Siccus for bota-
nical specimens, and a Scrap-book, — both open.
« But the Beauty ?"
In one comer of the room, on a kind of a pedes-
tal, was a bust of Cuvier; in the opposite corner,
on a similar stand, a bead of Werner ; in the third
nook was that of Rossini: and in the fourth stood
a handsome perch for a parrot, but the bird was
dead or absent. Over the door — **
« No, no— the Beauty ?**
Over the door was a half-length of the lady
herself, in a fancy dress; and from the centre of
the ceiling hung a small Chinese lantern.
"The Beauty?"
In the recess of the solitary window, on a stand,
stood a compound birdcage, d la Bechstein, en-
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THfi CAMBBRWELL BEAUTY. 245
closing a globe of gold fish, and surmounted by
a basket of flowers. The floor, — which was Tur-
key carpeted —
"The Beauty? the Beauty?*'
The floor was littered with various articles,
including a guitar,— a large porcelain jar, — and
a litde wicker-work kennel for a lapdog, — but
the dog like the parrot was deficient.
"The Beauty? the Beauty? the Beauty ?''
" My dear madam, pray have a litde patience,
and read " Blue Beard ;*' how nearly his last wife
was destroyed by her curiosity. My mystery is
not yet ripe, and you have even less right to the
key of my Romance than Fatima had to the key
of the Bloody Chamber.
CHAPTER VIIL
Every person of common observation must have
remarked the vast contrast between the carriage of
a man going np^ and the bearing of the same man
going down in the world I
In the first case how he trips, how he brightens,
how he jokes, how he laughs, how he dances, how
he sings, how he whistles, how he admires, how he
loves ; in the second predicament-— how be stumps,
how he glumps, how he sneers, how he satirizes.
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246 THE CAMBEBWELL BEAUTY.
how he grnmbles, how he frowns, how he vilifies,
how he hates — ^in short, how he behaves with a
di£Perence, like Mr, Booby.
As he ascended Ght>ve->hill his step was brisk
and elastic, he simpered complacently, held his
bouquet muidngly in his lemon-coloured glove,
and had his new hat stuck jauntily a little on one
side of his head.
As he descended the steep, his tread was heavy,
sometimes amounting to a stamp, the flowers had
been thrashed into a bundle of stalks, the delicate
kid glove was being gnawed into a mitten, and the
bran new beaver was sullenly thrust down over his
eyebrows.
As he mounted, his eyes were cast upward
towards the dm-tree tops, as if looking for birds'
nests.
As he descended, his eyes were turned to the
gravel-path, as if in search of Brazilian pebbles.
As he went up, he hummed << La fi darem.**
As he went down, he muttered curses between
his teeth.
In going up, he had carefully picked his way,
avoiding every dirty spot.
In going down, he tramped recklesdy through
the mud, and stepped into the very middle of the
puddles.
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THE CABfBEBWELL BEAUTY. 247
<< And bad the Beauty slighted him?''
Why, those persons who saw him come out of
the house-door, remarked as he stumbled down the
steps, that his face was as red and hot as a fiery
furnace : others, who did not notice him till be had
cleared the front garden-gate, observed that his
complexion was as pale as ashes. And both re-
ports were true, for like the Factions of the Red
and White Roses, did Anger and Vexation alter-
nately domineer and hoist their colours by turns in
his countenance.
<^ But had the Beau^ really behaved ill to
him?''
Why, in going to the house he had conducted
himself towards men, women, and children, with a
studied and almost affected courtesy; whereas in
going from the premises he jostled the gentlemen,
took the wall of ladies, punched each little boy
who came within reach of his arm, and kicked
every dog that ran within range of his foot.
*^ Then she had been scornful to him I"
Every body in the street looked after him.
Some thought that he was mad ; some, that he was
in liquor— others, that he was walking for a wager,
and, from his ill temper, that he was losing it.
"Poor man!"
However, on he went, striding, frowning, mut-
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248 THE CAMBEBWELL BEAUTT.
tering, and swearing, gnawing one kid glove, atid
shaking^ the other like a muffin-bell. On he went
— like an overdriven beast— on through Church-
street, and away across the Green, kicking hoops,
tops, and marbles ; thumping little boys, and
poking little girls, snubbing nursemaids, making
faces at their babies, and grinning viciously at
everything in nature that came within his scope.
He was out of humour with heaven and earth.
It pleased him to know, by a sudden yell in the
road, that a cur was run over ; and he was rather
glad than otherwise to see a horse in the pound.
*^ Poor fellow ! how cruelly he must have been
treated I"
Well, on be went to the Red Cap, where an
omnibus was just on the point of starting.
It was invitingly empty, so without asking whe-
ther it went to the East or West End, in jumped
Mr. Booby, and threw himself on the centre seat
at the further end of the vehicle. And now, for*
the first time, he had leisure to feel that he had
been worked and walked, morally as well as physi-
cally, into a violent beat. He let down all the
windows that would go down, lugged out his hand-
kerchief, wiped the dew from his face, and then
fanned himself with his hat The process some-
what cooled the outer man, but his temper
Digitized by VjOOQIC
EPIGBAM. 249
remained as warm as ever, and at last found
vent
<< Confound the old fool!'' be exclaimed, with
an angry stamp on the floor of the omnibus —
" Confound the old fool with her Camberwell
Beauty! Why didn't she tell me it was a
Butterfly!"*
EPIGRAM
ON THB DBPBEOIATBD HONET'
They may talk of the plugging and sweating
Of our coinage that's minted of gold,
But to me it produces no fretting
Of its shortness of weight to be told :
All the sov'reigns I'm able to levy
As to lightness can never be wrong,
But must surely be some of the heavy.
For I never can carry them long.
* Vaneua ^In/iopa— deriving its English name firom having
been first observed at the suburban village in Surrey. The
famous clown, Grimaldi, who wan a butterfly-fander, described
the Camberwell Beauty as *< very ugly."
M 5
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!250
THE LITTLE BROWNS.
Taking into account the peculiar circumstances
of the country, and the particular juncture, coinci-
dent with the depreciation of our gold money, there
is something strange and puzzling about the pro-
posed issue of a new coinage of Half-Farthings.
In a cheap country one can understand the
utility and convenience of such small monies : — for
example, in France or Belgium with their centimes
—or in Germany with its pfennings, ten of which
are equivalent to one of our pence. For in any of
these lands it is still possible to procure some article
or other in exchange for a coin of the lowest deno-
mination : but in England, dear England, what is
there that one can purchase for such a mite as
one of the new fractions? Nothing. The tradi-
tionary farthing rushlight has risen to four times
the price, and the old ha'penny roll has rolled into
a penny one. And half a farthing? The only
commodity I know of to be obtained for such a
trifle is — ^kicks !
rd kick him for half a fiirthing.
It is barely possible, however, that at the street
stalls, or in hawkers' baskets, there may be some-
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THE LITTLE BROWNS. 251
thing in the lozenge or lollipop line to be bought
for one of these new doits. But the issue of a new
coinage, of a novel value, expressly for the conve-
nience of little children with limited incomes, is a
thing not to be supposed.
It is not likely, either, that the penny has thus
been split into eighths, because the oranges have
been eight for sixpence ; neither is it probable that
our copper currency has been, chopped so small
only to make it more like mint sauce.
Is it possible that, alarmed by the depreciation
of our sovereigns, our rulers have thought of pro-
ducing a coin not valuable enough for plugging —
and too little and light for sweating— even in the
present warm weather?
Is it plausible that to meet the haggling which
hard times will produce, these copper minims have
been invented so that two merchants or Brokers
who have boggled about a farthing, may split the
difference and effect a bargain? Such a supposi-
tion were too derogatory to our modem Greshams.
A certain Journal, indeed, has hinted that the
measure will benefit the poor, by their receiving
fractions which hitherto have never been given to
the petty purchaser; but surely this argument is
untenable, for will not the same coinage enable
the seller to impose a fraction hitherto impracticable
Digitized by VjOOQIC
252 THE LITTLE BROWNS.
on bis article— for example, a penny and one-eighth
on his bun or roll ?
The new denomination can hardly be intended —
against an universal Income Tax-— to enable a
man with fourpence-farthing i^ year to pay three
per cent on his annuity. The Victoria D. G. on
the new coin, would never lend her royal counte-
nance to any such speculation.
Is it possible, in consideration of the deamess of
bread, that the Lilliputian currency has been
invented for ihe purchase of such tiny little loaves
as Gulliver used to devour by the dozen ? Alas I
the people who make money are not so considerate
for those who don't !
With none of these views is it likely that the
Demi Farthings have been minted — nor yet to
encourage low play, by furnishing almost nominal
stakes for short whbt and games of chance.
To what purpose, then, have the dwarf coppers
been introduced? There still remains one use
for them, and really it appears on plausible grounds
to have been the very use intended by the authors
of the measure— namely, to be given away.
The universal distress of the working classes—
the rapid increase of pauperism, and the broad
hint which has been thrown out, that the wants of
the starving population must be provided for by
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THE LITTLE BROWNS. 253
voluntary contribution, tend strongly to favour this
hypothesis. The man and woman with a spare
penny— the lady and gentleman with a spare
shilling, will be enabled, by this very small change,
to enlarge the sphere of their benevolence; and
the noble philanthropist, whose generosity amounts
to a guinea, may have a thousand beggars beset his
gate, and "none go unrelieved away!" Yes —
thanks to our mint-masters, we shall be indulged
with cheap charity, if nothing else I
But besides the mendicants, the minute coin
will be serviceable to give to children, —to crossing
sweepers, watermen, Jacks-in-the-water, and other
humble officials, who look to ladies and gentlemen
for fees. Whether the Half-Farthings will do to
tip servants, guards, chamber-maids, stage-coach-
men, waiters, or box-keepers, is more problematical :
how it might answer to slip such a gratuity into
the itching palm of a powdered portly Footman,
or Hall Porter, in crimson and gold, or sky blue
and silver— one of those pampered menials who
lounge about the doors of Portland Place, and
vainly ask each other the meaning of << Destitution
in the Metropolis?' — how it might do, to present
such a tipping to such a topping personage, to
oflFer such tribute money to such a Caesar, is very,
very questionable : but in these hard times, when
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254 THE LITTLE BROWNS.
every retrendiment is dearable, the expeiimetit at
least ought to be made — nay, should even a young
lady call with her subscription-book to beg for
something for the little Blacks, it might not be
amiss to introduce her to the little Browns.
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255
THE TURTLES:
A FABLE.
The rage of the vulture, the love of the turtle.^BYBON.
One day, it was before a dvic dinner,
Two London Aldermen, no matter whicbi
C!ordwainer, GHrdler, Patten-maker, Skinner —
But both were florid, corpulent, and rich,
And both right fond of festive demolition.
Set forth upon a secret expedition.
Yet not, as might be fancied from the token,
To Pudding Lane, Pie Corner, or the Street
Of Bread, or Grub, or anything to eat.
Or drink, as Milk, or Vintry, or Portsoken,
But eastward to that more aquatic quarter,
Where folks take water.
Or bound on voyages, secure a berth
For Antwerp or Ostend, Dundee or Perth,
Calais, Boulogne, or any Port on earth !
Jostled and jostling, through the mud.
Peculiar to the Town of Lud,
Down narrow streets and crooked lanes they div'd,
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256 THE TUBTLE8.
Past many a gus^ avenue, through which
Came yellow fog, and smell of pitch,
From barge, and boat, and dusky wharf deriv'd ;
With darker fumes, brought eddyhig by the draughty
From loco-smoko-motive craft ;
Mingling with scents of butter, cheese, and gammons.
Tea, coffee, sugar, pickles, rosin, wax.
Hides, tallow, Russia-matting, hemp and flax,
Salt-cod, red-herrings, sprats, and kippered salmons,
Nuts, oranges, and lemons.
Each pungent spice, and aromatic gum.
Gas, pepper, soaplees, brandy, gin, and rum ;
Alamode> beef and greens — the London soil —
Glue, coal, tobacco, turpentine, and oil,
Bark, asafoetida, squills, vitriol, hops.
In short, all whifis, and snifis, and pufis, and snuffs,
From metals, minerals, and dyewood stuSs^
Fruits, victual, drink, solidities, or slops —
In flasks, casks, bales, trucks waggons, taverns, shops.
Boats, lighters, cellars, wharfs, and warehouse-tops.
That, as we walk upon the river's ridge.
Assault the nose — below the bridge*
A walk, however, as tradition tells.
That once a poor blind Tobit used to choose,
Because, incapable of other views>
He met with *< such a sight of smells.''
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THE TUBTUSS. 257
But on, and on, and on.
In spite of all unsavoury shocks,
Progress the stout Sir Peter and Sir John,
Steadily steering ship-like for the docks—
And now they reach a place the Muse, unwilling,
Recals for female slang and vulgar doings
The famous Gate of Billing
That does not lead to cooing —
And now they pass that House that is so ugly
A Customer to people looking smuggFy —
And now along that fatal Hill they pass
Where centuries ago an Oxford bled.
And proved — too late to save his life, alas I —
That he was " oflF his head.**
At last before a lofty brick-built pile
Sir Peter stopped, and with mysterious smile
Tingled a bell that served to bring
The wire-drawn genius of the ring,
A species of commercial Samuel Weller —
To whom Sir Peter, tipping him a wink.
And something else to drink,
" Show us the cellar/'
Obsequious bowed the man, and led the way
Down sundry flights of stairs, where windows small.
Dappled with mud, let in a dingy ray —
A dirty tax, if they were tax'd at all.
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258 THE TtJBTLBS.
At length they came into a cellar damp.
With venerable cobwebs fringed around,
A cellar of that stamp
Which often harbours vintages renownM,
The feudal Hock, or Burgundy the courtly*
\^th sherry, brown or golden,
Or port, so olden,
Bereft of body 'tis no longer portly —
But old or otherwise — to be veracious —
That cobwebb'd cellar, damp, and dim, and
spacious.
Held nothing crusty — but crustaceous.
Ph>ne, on the chilly floor,
Five splendid Turtles — such a five !
Natives of some West Indian shore
Were flapping all alive.
Late landed from the Jolly Planter's yawl —
A sight whereon the dignitaries fix'd
Their eager eyes, with extasy unmix'd.
Like fathers that behold their infants crawl,
Enjoying every little kick and sprawl.
Nay — ^far from Catherly the thoughts they bred,
Poor loggerheads from far Ascension ferried I
The Aldermen too plainly wish'd them dead
And Aldermanbury'd I
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THE TURTLE& 259
^* There !*' cried Sir Peter, with an air
Triumphant as an ancient victor's^
And pointing to the creatures rich and rare,
"ITiere'spicters!'*
"Talk of Olympic Games! They're not worth
mention ;
Hie real prize for wrestling is when Jack,
In Providence or Ascension,
Can throw a lively turtle on its back I'*
<< Aye ! '' cried Sir John, and with a score of nods.
Thoughtful of classical symposium,
*♦ There's food for Gods I
Hiere's nectar ! there's ambrosium !
There's food for Roman Emperors to eat —
Oh, there had been a treat
(Hiose ancient names will sometimes hobble us)
ForHelio-gobble-us!"
<* Hiere were a feast for Alexander's Feast !
The real sort — ^none of your mock or spurious I"
And then he mentioned Aldermen deceased.
And "Epicurius,"
And how Tertullian had enjoyed such foison ;
And speculated on that verdigrease
That isn't poison.
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260 THE TUBTLE8.
" Talk of your Spring, and verdure, and all that !
Give me green fat !
As for your Poets with their groves of myrtles
And billing turtles.
Give me, for poetry, them Turtles there,
A-billing in a bill of fare I'*
" Of all the things I ever swallow —
Good, well-dressed turtle beats them hollow—
It almost makes me wish, I vow.
To have two stomachs, like a cow I"
And lo ! as with the cud, an inward thrill
Upheaved his waistcoat and disturbed his frill,
I£s mouth was oozing and he worked his jaw —
<< I almost think that I could eat one raw I '*
And thus, as << inward love breeds outward talk,"
The portly pair continued to discourse ;
And then — ^as Gray describes of life's divorce, —
With ** longing lingering look" prepared to walk,-
Having thro' one delighted sense, at least,
Enjoy'd a sort of Barmecidal feast.
And with prophetic gestures, strange to see^
Forestall'd the civic Banquet yet to be.
Its callipash and callipee !
A pleasant prospect — ^but alack !
Scarcely each Alderman had tum'd his back.
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EPIGRAM. 261
When seizing on the moment so propitious,
And having learn'd that they were so delicious
To bite and sup,
From praises so high flown and injudicious, —
And nothing could be more pernicious I
The Turtles fell to work, and ate each other up I
MORAL.
Never, from folly or urbanity.
Praise people thus profusely to their faces,
TOl quite in love with their own graces.
They're eaten up by vanity I
EPIGRAM.
Three traitors, Oxford— Francis— Bean,
Have miss'd their wicked aim ;
And may all shots against the Queen,
In future do the same :
For why, I mean no turn of wit.
But seriously insist,
That if Her Majesty were hit^
No one would be so mtsid.
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262
THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX.
How! dead!
How dead? Why very dead indeed !
Killing no Mumoeb.
CHAPTER I.
I WAS once dead.
^^Eh! how! what!" interrupts the Courteous
lUader, naturally startled by such a posthumous
announcement.
" What! deadj dead, dead !** inquires a Crimi-
nal Judge, unconsciously using the legal formula.
"What! food for worms?" exclaims a great
Tragedian.
" What ! gone to another and a better world?"
says a sentimental spinster.
" Or to a wus," snuffles a sanctified shoemaker.
" What, to that bourne," says a Bagman, << to
which no traveller makes more than one journey?"
" What,— unriddled that great enigma !" cries a
metaphysician, <^of which we obtain no solution
but by dissolution ?"
" Or, in plain English, Hie Jacet ?" puts in an
Undertaker.
" What, hopped the twig?— kicked the bucket?
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIZ.
— bowled out? — gone to pot? — ^mizzled? — ticked
off? — struck off the roster I — slipped your cable?
— lost the number of your mess?" ask as many
professional querists,
<< Oh ! a case of suspended animation — ^hung
and cut downl**
<* Or a cut throat, and sewed up ?'*
<c Poisoned and pumped out?*' hints a Medical
Student.
" Drowned, and ^ unsufFocated gratis?* '* quotes
a reader of " Don Juan.**
"Or buried in a trance?" guesses a Transcen-
dental speculator.
^^ Poo, poo ! he means dead-beat," cries a
Sportsman.
" Or dead lame," prompts a Veterinarian.
" Or dead asleep," proposes a Mesmerizer.
" Or dead drunk," mutters a Tea-totaller.
" Or only metaphorically," suggests a Poet
But begging the pardon of the Poet, the Tea-
totaller, the Mesmerizer, the Horse*Doctor, and the
Student, I had no such meaning : but that I was
departed, deceased, demised, defunct, or whatever
term may denote the grand Terminus.
^* What ! as dead as a house — as a herring —
as a door-nail — as dumps — as ditch-water — as
mutton—"
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864 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIZ.
Yes— or as Cheops, or Julius Caesar, or Giles
Scroggins, or Miss Bailey. In short, as declared
before, I was once dead — a r^ular subject for the
Necrologist — an entry for the Registrar — an item
for the Obituary as thus :
On the dd instant, suddenly, Per^prine Phcenix,
Esq., of Clapham Rise.
CHAPTER 11.
^* To be sure," murmurs Memory, applying her
right forefinger to her forehead, and pressing on
her own organ, <* to be sure there have been many
persons who, though seemingly dead, and even
interred, have afterwards returned to life. For
example: the wife of Reichmuth Adolch, the
Councillor of Cologne, who died of the plague,
and was buried with a diamond ring on her
finger, and was revived by the violence of the
thievish sexton in wrenching off the ornament.
Then there was Monsieur Fran9ois de Civille^
thrice coffined and thrice restored; not to forget
the romantic tale of the lady of Nicholas Chasse-
nemi, who was rescued from the grave by her old
lover CariscendL Also, the Honourable Mrs.
Godfrey, Mistress of the Robes to Queen Anne,
and sister of the great Duke of Marlborough, who
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHGBNIX. 265
lay in a trance for a week. Then there was
Isabella Wilson, who, after eleven days of rigid
insensibility, would have been entombed but for
the interference of the Doctor, who felt some
warmth about the heart; and Mr. Cowherd, of
Cartmell, Lancashire, who revived after being laid
out; and Isaac Rooke, who revived after a coroner
had been summoned; and Walter Wynkbourne,
executed on the gallows at Leicester in 1350 — but
jolted to life in a cart. Above all, there was Anne
Green, who, after being hung and pulled by the
legs, and struck on the chest by the butt-end of a
musket, yet recovered, and married and bore three
children."
" Hout aye," chimes in a Scottish Mnemosyne.
" And there was yon Ill-hangit Maggie, as they
ca'd her."
" Yaw, yaw," adds a Teutonic Remembrancer.
"Also dere vas de Yarman, Martin Grab, who
corned to himself quite lively, after he was a
copse."
And so he did. And thereby hangs a tale of
the Dead-Alive, which will serve for a fresh
chapter.
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266 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHiENIX.
CHAPTER III.
In the Free City of Frankfort-on-the-Maine,
the bodies of the dead are not kept for several
days, as with us, in the house of mourning, bat
are promptly removed to a public cemetery. In
order to guard, however, against premature inter-
ment, the remains are always retained above ground
till certain signs of decomposition are apparent;
and besides this precaution, in case of suspended
animation, the fingers of the corpse are fastened
to a bell- rope, communicating with an alarum, so
that on the slightest movement the body rings for
the help which it requires for its resuscitation — a
watcher and a medical attendant being constantly
at hand.
Now the duty of answering the Life-bell had
devolved on one Peter Klopp — no very onerous
service, considering that for thirty years since he
had been the official <* Death Watch," the metallic
tongue of the alarum had never sounded a single
note* The defunct Frankforters committed to liis
charge had remained, one and all, man, woman,
and child, as stiff, as still, and as silent, as so
many stocks and stones. Not that in every case the
vital principle was necessarily extinct: in some
bodies out of so many thousands it doubdess lin-
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHOSNIX* 267
gered, like a spark amongst the asiies — but disin-
clined by the national phlegm to any active assertion
of its existence.
For a German, indeed, there is a charm in a
certain vaporous dreamy state, between life and
death, between sleeping and waking, which a Tran-
scendental Spirit would not willingly dissolve. Be
that as it might, the deceased Frankforters all lay
in their turns in the Corpse-Chamber, as passive
as statues in marble. Not a limb stirred — not a
muscle twitched — not a finger contracted, and con-
sequently not a note sounded to startle the ear or
try the nerves of Peter Klopp.
In fine, he became a confirmed sceptic as to
such resuscitations. The bell had never rung, and
he felt certain that it never would ring — unless
from the vibrations of an earthquake. No, no —
Death and the Doctors did their work too surely
for their patients to relapse into life in any such
manner. And truly, it is curious to observe that
in proportion to the multiplication of Physicians,
and the progress of Medical science, the number
of Revivals has decreased. The Exanimate no
longer rally as they used to do some centuries
since — when Aloys Schneider was restored by the
jolting of his own coffin, and Margaret Schoning,
leaving her death-bed, walked down to supper in
her last linen. k 2
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268 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PIKENIX.
So reasoned Peter Klopp, who, long past the
first tremors and fancies of his noviciate, had come,
by dint of custom, to look at the bodies in his care
but as so many logs or bales of goods committed
to the temporary custody of a Plutonian ware-
houseman, or Lethean wharfinger. But he was
doomed to be signally undeceived.
In the month of September, just after the
autumnal Frankfort Fair, Martin Grab, a middle
aged man, of plethoric habit, after dining heartily
on soup, sour krout, veal-cutlets with bullace sauce,
carp in wine-jelly, blood sausage, wild boar brawn,
herring salad, sweet pudding, Leipsic larks, sour
cream with cinnamon, and a bowlfuU of plums, by
way of dessert — suddenly dropped down insensible.
As he was pronounced to be dead by the Doctor, the
body was conveyed, as usual, within twelve hours,
to the public cemetery, where being deposited in
the Corpse-Chamber, the rest was left to the care
and vigilance of the Death-Watch, Peter Klopp.
Accordingly, having taken a last look at his old
acquaintance, he carefully twisted the rope of the
Life- Bell round the dead man's fingers, and then
retiring into his own sanctorum, lighted his pipe,
and was soon in that foggy Paradise, which a true
German would not exchange for all the odour of
Araby the Blessed, and the society of the Houris.
<< And did the fat man come to life again ?'*
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX« 269
Patience, my dear madam, patience, and you
shall hear.
It was past midnight, and in the Corpse- Cham-
ber, hung with dismal black, the lifeless body of
Martin Grab was lying in its shroud as still as a
marble statue. At his head^ the solitary funeral
lamp* burned without a flicker — there was no
breath of air to disturb the flame, or to curve the
long spider-lines that hung perpendicularly from
the ceiling. The silence was intense. You might
have heard the ghost of a whisper or the whisper
of a ghost, if there had been one present to utter
it — but the very air seemed dead and stagnant —
not elastic enough for a sigh even from a spirit.
In the adjoining room reposed the Death-
Watch, Peter Klopp. He had thrown himself, in
his clothes, on his little bed, with his pipe still
between his lips. Here, too, all was silent and
still. Not a cricket chirped — nor a mouse stirred
— nor a draught of air. The light smoke of the
pipe mounted directly upward, and mingled with
its cloudlike shadows on the ceiling. The eye
would have detected the flitting of a mote, the ear
would have caught the rustling of a straw, but all
was quiet as the grave, still as its steadfast tombs —
when suddenly the shrill hurried peal of the alarm-
bell — the very same sound which for fifteen long
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270 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX.
years he had nightly listened for — the very same
sound that for as many long years he had utterly
ceased to expect — abruptly startled the slumbering
senses of Peter Klopp !
In an instant he was out of bed and on his feet,
but without the power of further progress. His
terror was extreme. To be waked suddenly in a
fright is sufficiently dreadful ; but to be roused in
the dead of the night by so awful a summons — by
a call, as it were, from beyond the grave, to help
the invisible spirit — perhaps a Demon's — to reani-
mate a cold, clammy Corpse, — what wonder that
the poor wretch stood shuddering, choking, gasp-
ing for breath, with his hair standing upright on
his head, his eyes starting out of their orbits, his
teeth chattering, his hands clutched, his limbs
paralyzed, and a cold sweat oozing out from every
pore of his body ! In the first spasm of horror
his jaws had collapsed with such force, that he had
bitten through the stem of his pipe, the bowl and
stalk falling to the floor, whilst the mouthpiece
passed into his throat, and agitated him with new
convulsions. In the very crisis of this struggle, a
loud crash resounded from the Corpse-Chamber —
then came a rattling noise, as of loose boards,
followed by a stifled cry — then a strange, unearthly
shout, which the Death- Watch answered with as
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX» 271
unnatural a shriek, and instantly fell headlong, on
his face, to the stone-floor !
" Poor fellow ! Why, it was enough to kill
him,"
It did, madam. The noise alarmed the resident
doctor and the military patrole, who rushed into
the building, and lo I a strange and horrid sight !
There lay on the ground the unfortunate Death-
Watch, stifle and insensible; whilst the late Corpse,
in its grave dothes, bent over him, eagerly ad-
ministering the stimulants, and applying the res-
toratives that had been prepared against its own
revival. But all human help was in vain. Peter
Klopp was no more — ^whereas Martin Grab was
alive, and actually stepping into the dead man's
shoes, became, and is at this day, the official
Death- Watch at Frankfort-on-the-Maine.
CHAPTER IV.
" And do you really mean to say, sir," ex-
claims a vulgar-looking personage, in a black
rusty suit, with black-silk gloves, black-cotton
stockings, and a hat of two colours, black and
sleek at bottom, aud brown and shabby at top;
a figure, a good deal like a decayed apothecary
of the old school — ^^ Do you really mean to say.
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272 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PUCENIX.
sir, that you bactually obiited and resurgam'd like
the apoplectic Grerman gemman as ate such a wery
hearty last meal ?"
Well, and what then ?
" Why, then, sir, it's the beer, that's all.'*
The bier?
" Yes, the double X. You see, sir, the truth
is, I've laid myself three quarterns of rum to a pot
of ale, as how it was not a reglar requiescat, not
a boney fide Celo quies, but only a weekly dis-
patch."
A Weekly Dispatch f
** Yes, or a Morning Post Mortum. Not a
natural hexit, you know. Not a true Bill of
Mortality, — but that you was only killed by the
perodical press, like Lord Brougham !"
Humph ! That such a rusty raven should
pluck out the heart of my mystery ! That such
a walking shadow should throw a light on my
enigma ! But the fellow's guess is correct. I died
only in print. The great Composer had no hand
in it : my everlasting rest was set up by a com-
positor of the Morning Herald!
" On the dd instant, suddetdyy Peregrine Phcenixj
Esq., ofClapham Rise"
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX. 273
CHAPTER V.
What a strange sensation it caused, the reading
of that mortal paragraph I A feeling only to be
understood by those who have been put out of the
world by the Globe, had their days ended by the
Sun, been posted to eternity by the Post, or sent
on their last journey by the Evening Mail !
The newspaper that morning came late; and
when the fatal sentence met my glance, I was,
like Hamlet's father, "full of bread." I had
already finished my morning's repast, but by an
instinctive impulse, I took another egg, and began
breakfasting over again. A sort of practical asser-
tion of the animal functions — and I never enjoyed
a meal so much in my life. What a zest it had !
f^ch separate morsel by its peculiar substance,
flavour, or aroma, giving the lie, backed by the
three senses of Touch, Taste, and Smell, to that
abominable announcement! The noble Athel-
stane, when he escaped in his grave-clothes from
the funeral vault of St. Edmond's Abbey, did not
attack the venison-pasty and the wine-bottle with
more relish ! There was a certain pleasure even
in a crumb's going the wrong way !
*' What!" exclaims Civic Apoplexy, his face
n5
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274 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX.
as crimson as the wattles of an enraged turkey-
cock, his tongue struggling for utterance, and his
eyes protruding, like pupils about to be expelled
by the head master, << a comfort in choking !"
Yes, my dear Alderman, as an evidence of
active existence. Unlike the race-horse, every
cough is in your favour.
For my own part, oh, how vividly I delighted
in the grating in the throat, the soreness of the
lungs, the watering of the eyes, which told, bow
instead of being dead, I had merely lost my breath !
How deliciously I enjoyed every symptom, other-
wise disagreeable, of vitality ! The imputed ab-
sence of my life made me intensely sensible of its
presence. I felt, methought, the warm blood
coursing through my veins and arteries, and tin-
gling in the very nails of my fingers and toes.
Every movement of the machine, beforetime with-
drawn from notice, had become decidedly per-
ceptible. I had a distinct notion of the peristaltic
motion, and seemed absolutely conscious of the
growth of my hair !
<^ What, without Macassar ! Impossible ! "
Perhaps so, Mr. Rowland, but it seemed pro-
bable. And then how delightedly I strutted about,
and boxed with Nobody, and fenced with my own
shadow, and spouted like a 'Bartlemy Tragedian.
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX. 275
No, no— I was not dead. A gentleman who eats
two breakfasts
And lightly draws his breath,
And feels his life in ev*ry limb,
What should he know of Death ?
My next act was to ring for my servant, who
entered, and found me grimacing before the look-
ing-glass— dead men don't make faces.
*^ John, where was I, and what did I do on
Friday last, the Sd instant ?"
" Let me see — you rowed on the river, sir, in
the wherry."
"What, with Charon?"
" No, sir, with Mr. Emery,"
« Very good, that will do, John."
And joyous as a blackbird in Spring, I began
to whistle Dibdin's air of " Jack's Alive." By an
association of ideas, Dibdin's verses put me in
mind of Sterne, and darting off at a tangent to
my library I pulled down the first volume of Tris-
tram Shandy, and began to read aloud the extern^
pore lecture of Corporal Trim on the text of
" Are we not here now^ and are we not gone in
a moment?" with his cocked hat illustration of
sudden death. " But I am alive," said the foolish,
fat scullion.
Oh, how I admired that fat scullion ! I could
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276 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX.
have hugged her in spite of her grease — our feel-
ings, our sympathies were in such perfect unison !
Trim's Funeral Sermon had been to her the same
in effect as my obituary paragraph in the Herald,
In the mean time, the ten o'clock Clapham
omnibus called for me as usual; I put on my hat
and gloves, took my walking-stick (the dead don't
walk with sticks), got into the vehicle, seated my-
self, and remarked with a smile all round,
" Well this is better than a hearse."
A speech natural and significant enough under
my peculiar circumstances, but to the rest of the
company, who wanted the key, a mere impertinent
truism.
One gentleman in particular seemed personally
disgusted and offended by the observation, and on
glancing at his beaver, I perceived he wore a hat-
band. Somebody dead of course — but it was not
Peregrine Phoenix, Esquire, of Clapham Rise, a
reflection which made that vivacious personage &s
merry as the music after a soldier's funeral.
The confinement of the omnibus, and the re-
serve of its passengers, ere long became intole-
rable ; the first cramped the physical activity, and
the last checked the flow of animal spirits of a man
more alive than common. So taking a hearty tug
at the conductor's dreadnought, I was set down.
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENDC. 277
and walked off at the rate of four miles an hour,
and humming,
Life let us cherish,
along the London-road. But I was soon arrested
by a spectacle of uncommon interest — ^an under-
taker's shop, with all the grim and glittering em-
blems of the craft in the window. I had passed
them a hundred times before without notice, but
now the establishment had for me all the interest
of an exhibition.
I examined every painted scutcheon, as if for
an aesthetic critique — scrutinized the mottoes and
inscriptions as for an archaeological essay — ex-
amined each crest and blazonry with heraldic
relish, and inspected the shining coffin-plates and
handles with the zest of an antiquary poring over
rusty pieces of antique armour. A device of a fly-
ing cherub was gazed at like a design of RafFaele's,
and the notification of " Funerals Performed,"
was read over and over again like a love posy.
But above all, I was smitten with an emblem which
had formerly seemed rather a repulsive one — a
Death's head and cross-bones — especially the dreary
skull with its vacant eyelet holes, and that sardonic
grin — whereas now, a laughing eye within the dark
cavity seemed to tip me a knowing wink, and the
ghastly grin was become a smile so contagious, that
I felt myself smiling from ear to ear.
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278 THE CONFESSIONS OF A FHCENIX.
All this time the hammer had sounded merrily —
yes, merrily from the interior of the shop, and
looking in at the door, I saw the master, with his
journeyman, busied in the last decoration of a
handsome black coffin, lined with white-satin — to
some, perhaps, a dismal object, but to me a poeti-
cal one, like
A sable doud
That turns its silver lining on the night.
I read the name engraved on the silver plate thrice
over, and with a novel but pleasant curiosity,
informed myself minutely of all the particulars
of the age, business, and circumstances of the
deceased.
And when, pray, did the poor gentleman die ?
<* On the 3d instant, sir, rather suddenly."
The very day that I did not ! — Oh ! the electric
thrill of life that ran through every fibre of my
frame at that coincidence of dates! The vivid
revelation of a stirring, vital principle, that glowed
from head to heel I I am convinced that for a man
to know, to feel, to enjoy his existence, to be pro-
perly conscious of his being, he must be put into
the Obituary ! Till then, he is like the flounders
that didn't flounder.
" But the fish are dead," objected the G)ok.
<< Not them," said the FLshwoman, tossing the
last flounder into the blue and white dish. *< Just
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX. 279
see how the/ll kick when they comes to the hot
lard. Why, bless ye, they're as alive as you
are, only they don't know it till they're put in
the pan."
CHAPTER VI.
" Then after all," says Mrs. Grundy, a lively,
loquacious old lady, familiarly known to a very
wide circle of friends and acquaintance, ^^ it is not
so very disagreeable to be killed by the press?"
By no means, madam — rather reviving than
otherwise — as good as a sniff of hartshorn, sal vola-
tile, or aromatic vinegar, and much more agree-
able than burnt-feathers— a bunch of black ostrich-
plumes always excepted.
" Well, I should have thought that such a
broad hint in black and white would be a memento
mori, — a sort of * Philip, remember thou art
mortal.' "
^< Quite the reverse, ma'am. A memento vitae —
a fillip to the animal spirits — a *^ remember thou
art alive." Dead men, you know, don't read their
own obituaries.
** True. Nevertheless, the sudden shock of such
a frigid announcement — "
Like the shock of a shower-bath, ma'am. Cold,
but bracing; and for a phlegmatic temperament,
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280 THE CX>NFE88ION8 OF A PHCENIX.
the finest and safest stimulus in the world ! Gives
a glow to the skin— a healthy tone to the nerves —
improves the appetite, corrects the spleen, and
tickles the cockles of the heart and the risible
muscles. You have heard, ma'am,, of a lightening
before death ?
*' Yes — Romeo alludes to it."
Well, it's nothing to the lightening after it ! I
mean in print. Talk of Parr's Life Pills, or the
Elixir Vitse ! — a kill by the press is the Grand
Catholicon — a specific for ennui or tedium vitae, a
sovereign remedy for Hypochondriasis, and infal-
lible for Suicidal Monomania ! Only let a news-
paper hint that you are a corpse, and it makes you
quite another thing — a Harlequin, a Rope-dancer,
a Tumbler, a Dancing Fakir, a Springheel'd Jack.
But not to advertise a remedy without a case, —
there was Lord Cowdenknows, who was killed by
the Times.
" Ah, by an upset of his carriage."
Yes — with one horse's hoof on his sternum,
another on his os-frontis, a wheel on his epigas-
trium, and the broken axletree through his
abdomen. No mortal was ever pressed to death
more completely — and what is the result? Why,
an intense consciousness of his existence, and the
continual assertion of his vitality by a vivacious
volubility and volatility amounting almost to a
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THB CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX. 281
nuisance. He reminds us that Lord C!owdenknows
is alive with a vengeance I — his enemies by
astounding pats on the head and confounding slaps
on the back ; and his friends by disconcerting digs
in the ribs, or staggering punches in the stomach.
No practical joker in the exuberance of his animal
spirits ever played more pranks. On one head he
pours melted-butter, on a second cold water, on a
third vinegar, smears a fourth with honey, a fifth
with cantharides, a sixth with treacle, a seventh
with tar, an eighth with bear's-grease, a ninth with
mustard, a tenth with cold-^cream, an eleventh with
paste, a twelfth with cowage, and then daubs an
unlucky Quaker with ink. One he trips up, and
astonishes another with a coup de pied* In short,
he is all alive and kicking — ^ all manner of ways.' "
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282 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH<ENIX.
CHAPTER VII.
*^ Now I think of it,*' says Mnemosyne, again
pressing the organ of memory with her right fore-
fuiger, and gently smiling as if some pleasant
image rose up before the mental eye, ** there was
Squire Foxall, a martyr to that melancholy humour
called Hypochondriasis, and who was cured by
the Press. Many a serio-comic scene there was
between the master and his man Roger, a confi-
dential servant of the old school, shrewd, trusty,
and as blunt as a spade."
" Well, Roger, the master would say, after a
very long and solemn shaking of his head, '^ I am
going at last."
" Glad on it — to Swaff ham, in course ?**
" No, Roger, no — to another world."
" What, to Amerikey ?"
" No, to another and a better one, Roger — to
the world of spirits."
*< Ah, that's along o* missing your brandy — you
be low, you be."
<< Not so low as I shall be, Roger. I'm at
death's door — I have double knocked, and am
scraping my shoes, and it will soon be, walk in.
Now, Roger, remember when Fm gone that Mr.
Bewlay "
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENDL 283
"Yes, yes — I know. He have got the last o'
your last wills. Your nevy will come into the
land, and your neice is to have your personal
bulk."
" No, Roger — that was the will before. I've
made another since then — ^but no matter. Pve
done with money and land. All I require now is
a little turf*.**
" Well — there's a whole stack on it i' the rick-
yard, and when you've burnt out that "
" Never, Roger, never I I'm burnt out myself
—quite down in the socket, and shall go off like a
snuff. I am ready, Roger, for the garner."
" Yes, yes, and corn for the sickle, and grass for
the scythe, and a ripe plum for the basket, and a
brown leaf for hopping the twig. I know all that
by heart."
" I'm a dying man, Roger, and you know it I
haven't twelve hours to live — no, not six, before I
pay the debt of nature."
" Dang the debt o' nature I I wish you had
none to setde but hern. But it arn't do yet it
am't."
" Due, and overdue, Roger. The receipt's
made out, and before to-morrow you will have
another master."
" No, I shan't. I ham't had no wamin."
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284 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH<ENIX.
" But / have, Roger. Here^ feel my pulse. It
stopped just now for two minutes and a half. The
circulation is at a stand-still — the heart cannot
perform its functions."
*^ All moonshine, master. It's performing its
funkings at this minit. It's going as regular as the
eight-day clock — I can a' most hear un tick."
*< No, no, Roger — that's impossible."
" Is it ? Then why do Dr. Darby try to hear it
with his telescope ?"
** Stethoscope, Roger — ste-thos-cope. There
may be hypertrophy for all that. But you know I
can't argue with you. My lungs are quite gone —
quite!"
" No wonder — ^you've been blowin 'em up this
ten year."
" They're destroyed, Roger. Pulmonary con-
sumption has set in — ^"
" Yes, yes, I know — and they're full of tuber*
roscF."
" Tubercles, man — and my liver is in no better
state."
" No — they're schismatic. And you've got an
absence in your inside — "
" An abscess."
^' Well, an abscess in your stomach, and can't
disgest properly for want of gas-water."
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PUCENIX. 285
"A deficiency of the gastric juice. It is all
too true, Roger. Every organ I have is out of
order."
"Then I would'nt play on *em. Well, what
next ? Why, you've got a gatherin in your lum-
bering progresses.**
** Lumbar processes — **
" Which in course affects the head, and so you've
got a confusion of water on the brain. Then
you've had an eclectic fit, and three parallel strokes
—and there's your stertian ague, and the interme-
diate fever — **
" Intermitting."
" Then, there's the inflammation of your mucus
members — '"
** Membrane, membrane."
" Well, membrane. Next there's your vertical
headach — "
"Vertigo."
" And lord knows what in your intestates and
viceruses. Then there's your legs with their vari-
ous veins — "
" Varicose."
" And as to your feet, what with hoppin gout in
them — and flying gout in your stomach — and
swimming gout in your head — you're gout all
over."
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286 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX.
** Yes, Roger, yes — ^it has got hold of my whole
system, sure enough. But it's apoplexy I'm afraid
of — apoplexy, Roger. I have giddiness, tinni-
tus, congestion, lethargy — every symptom in the
book!"
*^ Dang the books — it's them has done it I
There's Doctor Imray's Family Physicker, you've
giv yourself over ever since you brought it home.
And then there's Doctor Winslows' book, and
Doctor Frankum's, as made you believe between
'em, that you'd got a turned head and a pendulum
belly—" *
" Pendulous^ Roger, pendulous."
" Well, it's all one. And then their plaguy for-
muluses for making up your own prescriptions.
You'll proscribe yourself into heaven, you will
some day, with your blue pills and hydrangea
powders — **
" Hydrarge powders."
" It can't be good for nobody to swallow so
much calumny. And then your dabblin with
them deadly pisons, though you know as well as I
do, that three Prussian Acidulated Drops would
kill a horse."
** You mean Prussic acid. But in some affec-
tions, Roger, it is of great service."
<' Yes, like Oxonian acid, for boot-tops. Then,
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX. 287
there's the newspapers. I do believe there an't a
quack medicine advertised, but you've tried 'em
all, from Cockle's Antibiling pills, and the Febri-
fudges, to Sarcy Barilla. Lord I lord ! the heaps
of nasty messes you have swallowed sure-ly ! Not
to forget the Horse Physic you took arter readin
in Doctor EUiotson -that the human two-legged
specious could ketch the glanders !"
" And was the poor man cured of his Hypochon-
driasis?"
Yes, by the County Chronicle^ into which some
wag introduced an announcement of his sudden
demise, ^^afler a complication of disorders borne for
a long series of years with unexampled cheerjulness
and resignation,** The effect on the patient was
miraculous! Instead of damping his spirits or
shocking his nerves, it set up his lumbagoed back,
roused his sluggish spleen, stimulated his torpid
liver, stirred his lethargic lights, warmed his con-
gested blood till it boiled a-gallop, and turned his
flagging heart to a cceur de lion: He declared
loudly that the paragraph originated in a political
spite — swore that it was intended as a hint for his
assassination, and vowed that he would horsewhip
the Editor of the diabolical newspaper in his own
infernal office.
And he was as good as his word — for which
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288 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX.
practical sincerity he had to pay a hundred pounds
for damages, and as much more in costs. The
cure, however, was complete. His old affections
vanished as if by magic; and now his only com-
plaints in the world are of the impudence of coun-
sel, the partiality of judges, the stupidity of juries,
the uncertainty of the law, the murderous propen-
sities of the Whigs, the rascality of venal Editors,
and the intolerable licentiousness of the Press.
CHAPTER VIIL
" And don't you think, sir,*' asks Self Preserva-
tion, in a close ball-proof silk corslet, under his
figured waistcoat, *^ don't you think that the fellow
who takes another man's life, though only in a
newspaper, ought to be shut up for ever, if not
hung — as a Homicidal Monomaniac?"
By no means — ^nor will you either, my dear
Number One, when your feelings, which tempo-
rary excitement has raised from Blood Heat to the
Fever Pitch, have subsided to their natural tem-
perature. For my own part, I blush for my coun-
trymen. There is something of cowardice as well
as cruelty in the present irrational outcry for chains,
cells, straight-jackets, and — fie on it I — even halters
for the lunatic* A return to the barbarous system
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX. *2S9
of our ancestors, when insanity was treated as a
crime, and punished with a severity beyond the
severest prison discipline of the present day.
" No matter,'* says Number One, " I stick by
the first law of Nature — so Protection ! Protection !
Protection!"
" Protection I Protection !*' shrieks Fear, with
her hand before her eyes.
" Protection, Pro — tection,'* shouts Folly, out
of wantonness,— and the Spirit of Imitation, like
£A;ho, repeau the cry.
<* Protection I Protection ! " bawl a million voices,
while with better reason. Conscious Gruilt — the poor
man's Oppressor — ^the Robber of the Widow and
the Orphan — the Heart-Breaker, and the Brain-
Breaker, vociferously swells the clamour, aware in
his felon soul how richly he has earned the stab or
the shot from the weapon of frenzy !
For my own part, my fears look the other way,
and my cry would be for better defence against the
Sane. Not the half-witted^ but the sharp-witted —
not the crazy, but the clear-headed-*-not the non-
compos, but the homicidal lucid fellows who do not
babble of Covenants, or Chambers's Journal, or the
Customs, who neither brandish knives, nor draw
triggers, nor even << throw about fire" — ^and yet
deliberately take our lives, for they do ** take the
VOL. n. o
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290 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(BNIX«
means by which we live.** Against such, O Law
and Justice I defend me. Only protect me from
the sane Foxes, and I will take my chance about
the March Hares !
Still Society, with her numberless throats, roars
"Protection!"
Heavens ! what are a few bewildered creatures
roaming the earth, though furnished with sticks,
staves, swords, and guns, to the legion of sound
Destructives who go at large, armed with " a little
brief authority," and a billy-roller or a forge-ham-
mer t When did Homicidal Monomania, with all
her mischievous malignity, and all her weapons,
when did she cripple a child per day, or poke
out thirty pairs of eyes during one short court
mourning ?
But still the Hydra shouts, with all its mouths
in chorus, for " Protection T*
Such popular outcries against a class are always
perilous, and apt to lead to cruelty and injustice.
So, perhaps, some centuries ago originated a pre-
judice and persecution against a description . of
human beings quite as forlorn and desolate, only
the Homicidal Monomaniacs of those times were
called Wizards and Witches.
It is fit and proper, no doubt, for the security
of society, that dangerous Lunatics should be so
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX. 291
confined as to prevent their carrying any murderous
design into effect — but to judge by the popular
ferment) and the vehemence of the outcry for more
Protection, I fear Society would hardly be satisfied
with any thing short of the incarceration of every
individual who happened to go ungartered, or to
button his doublet awry ; and above all, the esta-
blishment of a Cordon Sanitaire between South
and North Britain, with positive orders to shoot
every Scotchman who crossed the Tweed with a
bee in his bonnet. For be it noted, that Scotland
comparatively swarms with what she calls, in her
own dialect, *'daft, or dementit bodies" — every
city, every town, nay, every pelting petty village
has its crazy or imbecile Goose Gibbie, or Davie
Gellatly. Nevertheless, even the Provosts and the
Bailies sleep in whole skins, and would be intensely
surprised if they could not get their lives insured
at as low rates as their neighbours.
The truth is, the English public was always
haunted — as Goldsmith points out in his Essays —
by some popular Bugbear ; and he instances an
epidemic terror of Mad Dogs. There is something
of this national characteristic in the present panic,
which really amounts to a general monomania
about monomaniacs. Every day some person or
other denounces his or her homicidal lunatic ; and
o2
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292 THB CONFESSIONS OF A PHiENIZ.
as human heads cannot be rung like bells or
glasses, or sounded like sovereigns on wooden*
counters or stone-steps, to ascertain if they are
cracked, the magistrates are sorely puzzled, and
half-crazed themselves, by a question on which
Lawyers with Physicians, and even Doctors with
Doctors, are at issue. The dispute between the
two learned Professions promises, indeed, to become
««a very pretty quarrel."
"And pray, sir, how do you think it will end?"
Heaven only knows, madam. But, between
ourselves, I do not despair of a very Rabelaisian
termination — ^namely, the Big Wigs proving that
the Gold -Headed Canes know nothing about
Mental Disease; and the Gold-Headed Canes
proving that the Big Wigs know nothing about
Jurisprudence.
CHAPTER IX.
" Hark ! " cries Alarm, holding up a warning
finger, listening and looking as if she saw some-
thing.
"Eh! — what! — where?" inquires bewildered
Surdity, dancing with excitement, and looking
hastily North— Nor-nor-East,—Nor-East,—East-
Nor-East — East, and so all round the compass.
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THE CONFESSIONS OP A PH<ENIX. 293
•• A Comet of the first magnitude,*" says Ru-
mour, bedecked in her old robe, all over tongues,
and breathless with running down << all sorts of
streets.**
« A what?" asks Surdity, eagerly poking his
acoustical mainpipe into his best ear, and trying
to lay on the report. " A new G)median ?"
<^ No— a great new Comic that has appeared in
the Hare," bawls officious Ignorance into the bell
of the flexible Voice-Conductor. ** A voluminous
body, with an inflammatory tail, as reaches, they
say, from Sir William Herschel in England, to
Mr. Cooper in Italy."
<< Three hundred and sixty d^prees in length,"
puts in Popular Exaggeration.
^ Why then we shall have a fiery belt all round
us," exclaims a female voice from Prospect House
— «« like the Planet Satan."
^* An awful Phenomenon ! " says Mrs. Aspenall,
trembling like a leaf.
<< A fiery Dragon ! " mutters Superstition :
<< with a sul-^iariaus tail of burning brimstone} firom
the bottomless pit"
« We shall all be burnt alive I " roars Vulgar
Error, running into the back-yard, and plumping
up to his chin in the water-butt.
" There will , be another Deluge I " cries a
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294 THE CONFESSIONS OF A FHGSNIX.
Whistonian Theorist, determined at any price
to purchase a life-boat and a cork-jacket ; having
proved in print, that Noah's Flood was certainly
caused by a Comet.
^< It will approximate into physical collision with
our terrestrial globe," says the Schoolmaster,
abroad, " and obliterate our sublunary planet into
infinitesimal fi-actions ! "
" We shall have changes and revolutions/' mur-
murs a G>ntinental Monarch with pale lips.
" War ! Pestilence ! and Famine !" bellows a
Modern Astrologer !
^* And Earthquakes," croaks an unshaken be-
liever in the shocking predictions of the old Monk
of Dree and Doctor Dee.
« It will blow up our Powder- Works," groans a
resident near Waltham Abbey.*
" And dry up our Water- Works," moans a
Chelsea Director, turning to all the colours of a
Dolphin out of its element.
<^ It's played the dickens already with the Con-
sternations," says Ignorance. " They do say as
how it's singed the Ram, set fire to the Wirgin,
roasted the Bull whole, scorched up the Man
* As good a prophecy as any of Zadkiel's : for the Waltham
Powder Works actually blew up, about a fortnight after the
bint in print.
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX. 295
with the Watering-pot, and fried all the heavenly
Fishes!"
"So much the better!'* ejaculates the Lord
Mayor.
" So much the better !" exclaims his Worship of
Bow-street.
"So much the better!" cries his Worship of
Marlborough-street.
" So much the better !" observes his Worship of
Uatton-Garden.
" So much the better !" remarks his Worship of
Marylebone*
"So much the better!" echoes his Worship of
Queen-square.
"So much the better?" says his Worship of
Worship-street, briskly rubbing his hands together,
and drawing a long deep sigh of satisfaction from
somewhere about the solar plexus — " so much the
better ! The public panic will now perhaps take
another direction, and instead of the daily mono-
maniac, and the everlasting question, " Houfs his
head?'' it will be, " Where's its tail?"
CHAPTER X.
But Mr. Hatband —
The Undertaker was so delighted with the
interest I had taken in his work, and the decora-
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2d6 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCBNIX.
tion of the coffin, that on parting, he presented to
me his card, which he gave me with a pleasure
only inferior to mine on receiving it^ but derived
from a very different source — he supposing that I
had some funeral order in store for him, and I ex-
ulting that there had been no occasion, on my
own behalf, for his services — in reality, feeling
very much like a man who has just escaped, un-
touched, from meeting with a dead shot.
The sun was shining brilliantly, and the morn-
ing was delicious; one of those Spring mornings
when we seem to walk on spring-boards ; but never
on elastic wood, or turf, did man tread so lighdy as
Peregrine Phoenix, Esq., on the broad flat flag-
stones, pleasantly contemplating, now and then,
the active shadow, which proved that he was not
a shade* It was the most agreeable promenade I
ever enjoyed — that solitary walk to the West End
— making a dozen satisfactory purchases by the
way; for example, a stick of red sealing-wax,
simply because it was not black — a piece of Holland
linen for shirting, which " was warranted to wear
well," and two pair of trousers that were ticketed
<< Everlastings." The next shop but one to the
draper's was a Circulating Library, a rather petty
repository ; but there was a placard of the terms
in the window, and although the act cost me a
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THB CONFESSIONS OF A FHCENIX. 297
guinea, I could not resist going in and subscribing
for a year.
A Statuary's a few yards further on, supplied
me, like the Undertaker's, with some very com-
fortable cogitation. For the first time since niy
birth, I found a charm in potbellied monumental
Urns — in stone-blind Cherubs with wigs d la mode
and alabaster — and in petrified Angels, with wings
of good solid masonry, blowing dumb coach-horns.
They were finer to me, in my peculiar frame of
mind, than Phidian sculptures. And then those
polished, snowlike marble slabs and tablets, how
cheerfully they shone in the bright sunshine ! It
was indeed my lucky day, marked with white
ttones! Yes, lucky, although in turning away
from the statuary's, I was run against, full butt, by
a workman with a package of laths under his arm,
that came in uncomfortable contact with my body,
a little below the chest But the poor fellow
begged my pardon so humbly, that it was im-
possible for a Christian, and especially under my
circumstances, to refuse it.
*^ Well, well, pick up my hat. That poke in
the stomach has given me a strong conviction, at
any rate, of my corporeal vitality."
" Vm sorry to hear it, sir," replied the work-
man, << I am indeed, and I hope it^s a feeling as
will soon wear ofi;"
o 5
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298 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX.
But my greatest triumphs awaited me at my
Club. Oh ! the indescribable look of the porter,
when he saw my Ghost thrust open the glazed
door ! — the unutterable astonishment of the waiter
when my Apparition ordered a biscuit and a glass
of sherry — the profound mystification of my friend
B. when my Spirit carelessly asked him the cur-
rent price of Long Annuities. The other mem-
bers present were equally amazed. Some started
up — most of them ejaculated — all stared — -one
choked — and a tumbler of Bass's Pale Ale dropped
with a crash on the floor. Had 1 walked into the
room d la Phoenix, in a pair of incombustible
asbestos trousers, blazing with burning spirits of
wine, there could not have been a greater sensa-
tion. However, the excitement subsided at last,
and gave place to boisterous congratulations. The
news of my sudden demise had circulated amongst
my club intimates and acquaintance, and to do
them justice they hailed my resurrection from my
ashes as cordially as if they had conjointly' un-
derwritten my life.
A House Dinner was proposed to celebrate
my revival; and fixed for seven precisely. The
interval I employed chiefly in the pleasant task of
composing a public contradiction of the paragraph
in the Herald^ and writing bulletins of my perfect
health to all my friends and acquaintances, and
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THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENIX. 299
some few others, including a tradesman or two,
and the actuary of the Eagle Assurance. And
when the missives were done and delivered to the
house-steward for the post, with what gusto I
added, « Mind, not the Dead Letter Office!"—
while the steward stared by turns at the enormous
red seal, and the staring P. PHCENIX, in the
comer of each envelope, intended to break my life
to my correspondents.
" And did the dinner go o£F well, Mr. Phoenix?"
Excellently, madam. The best I ever ate. Every
delicacy of the season — the most delicious fruits T
ever tasted — the most exquisite wines I ever drank.
Then every body was in capital spirits, and my-
self above all (good reason why) — joking, punning,
telling my best stories (dead men tell no tales),
and laughing, like one of the Immortals. Then
after the cloth was drawn, the toasts that were
drunk — not in solemn silence — but vociferously,
with all the honours, " The Arabian Bird," —
" Never say Die," — *« Many Happy Returns of
the Day," and the songs that were sung, and
the speeches that were made, including my own,
in which I assured the company, with unusual
sincerity, that upon my life (a phrase since be-
come habitual with me) it was the happiest day of
my life— one to be remembered to my last hour
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300 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PHCENDU,
— but whichy in spite of somebody putting on
my clock, like the grim Covenanter in *^ Old
Mortality/' had not yet arrived.
<^ Hear, hear, hear !'' shouted my auditors, and
to tell the truth, I joined lustily in their cheering,
out of sheer self-congratulation. If ever a human
biped enjoyed the nine-fold vitality of the feline
quadruped, it was mine at that moment. I was
full, brimming, overflowing with life; there was
enough in me, had I been chopped up like a poly-
pus, to animate a dozen Phoenixes I
It was nearly dawn ere we broke up, when be-
tween two companions, who— these are Confessions
— ^looked sometimes like four, I set out to walk
home, not walking as a mechanic plods to his work^
or as an invalid ambulates for exercise, but with
occasional skips and curvetings, or a little nm, in
one of which courses my head came in collision
with a lamp -post, and gratified me with ocular
demonstration of my existence in a shower of vital
sparks. Nor yet did we proceed quite so mum-
chance as quakers, or boarding-school misses, but
whistling, warbling trios, and occasionally shout-
ing in chorus, when just at the bottom of Water-
loo-place, or it might be the top of the Haymarket
— by some mystery not to be explained — ^through
some Casus Belli never clearly defined — ^for it was
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THE CONFESSIONS OP A PH<ENIX. 301
in the days of Tom and Jerryism, when war was
seldom formally declared — all at once I found
myself engaged in battle royal, or rather republi-
can— ^it was so free and independent — with an
unknown number of opponents* My new life,
probably, was in danger, for I fought for it like a
tiger, wrestling, hugging, tugging, kicking, push-
ing, striking right and left, and being kicked,
pushed, and belaboured in return. One unlucky
punch, I suspect, punched out my centre of gra-
vity, from my di£Bculty afterwards in keeping my
legs. Sometimes I was on my feet, sometimes on
my head, now on my back, then on my front, then
on my side^ and then on my seat — ^bounding,
scrambling, rolling, up again, posturing, squaring,
warding, and down again — at first dry, next wet,
then tattered and torn, but still fighting, encou-
raged by shouts of ^' Go it. Lively I" though pur-
blind, giddy, bleeding, and almost out of that pre-
cious article, my breath. Still the battle raged
with various success; my spirit, or spirits, for I
seemed to have several within me, yet unsubdued,
when just in the middle of a furious rally, in the
very crisis of victory, I was caught up horizontally,
and before tongue could cry rescue. Peregrine
Phoenix, Esquire, the Dead Man of the Morning
Herald^ was borne off kicking and shouting at
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302 THE CONFESSIONS OF A PH(ENIX.
the top of his voice " Hurrah for Life — Hurrah
for Life — Hurrah for Life — Life — Life in
London!"
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303
THE OMNIBUS.
A SKETCH ON THE ROAD.
It was a fine evening in Autumn^ but late
enough to be dusk^ as my friend F. was driving
me, in his gig, along a road near Chigwell, in
Essex, when suddenly we were startled by loud
and repeated screams, as from numerous female
voices.
F. immediately pulled up:— whilst the alarming
chorus was repeated from throats in better time
than unison — followed by entreaties for help.
The sounds came from above ; and looking up
towards the top of the bank on the right hand side
of the road, which was cut through a hill, we per-
ceived an omnibus, with two females perched on
the roo^ and another on the box, who held the
whip and the reins. At every window, moreover,
appeared one or two caps or bonnets, accounting
for the full chorus we had just heard.
Leaving our own vehicle in the road, we
hastened to the rescue; and having first helped
the ladies to alight, proceeded to get the omnibus
into the road — a task of considerable difficulty.
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304 THE OMNIBUS.
The females in the meanwhile scrambled down to
the low ground^ where we found them clustered
round the senior of the party, who, seated on the
stump of a tree, was giving way to sundry gesticu-
lations and exclamations, which being echoed and
imitated by a fugle-woman on either side, were
copied and repeated again by some eighteen
young ladies of various ages and very different
sizes. In reality, the Principal, teachers, and
pupils of Prospect-House Establishment, at Wood-
ford.
** O ! I never I " exclaimed . the Governess : and
eighteen juvenile voices and two middle-aged ones
instantly reiterated, " O, I never I **
"It's a Providence we were not killed 1" cried
the Governess ; and as if they had been at their
responses in church, the twenty voices simul-
taneously repeated, " Providence we were not
killed!"
My experience in the suburban woodlands sug-
gested a tolerable guess at the truth, which the
narrative of Mrs. Vandeleur afterwards confirmed.
The ladies of Prospect House Establishment had
been enjoying their annual Gipsying in Epping
Forest — a festival from which prudence and prin-
ciple rigorously excluded the other sex, with the
exception of one Tobias, who during the illness of
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE OMNIBUS. 305
the household coachman, had been recommended
for the service, as a sober, steady, civil, and fiunily
man. Well, they had gone, she said, to the old
perennial rendezvous, a certain retired spot,
secure from vulgar intrusion, and betaken them-
selves to their rural recreations, some pursuing
Entomology (she meant hunting butterflies), others
studying botany (by picking harebells and looking
for "eagles" and "oak trees'* in sUced fern-
stalks), the graphical sketching picturesque stumps,
and landskipping — and the young ones picking
ladybirds, or playing *at hide and seek. For her-
sdf, she had enjoyed " Sturm's Reflections" under
an umbrageous beech, whilst Miss Tancred and
Miss Groper spread the hospitable cloth on Flora's
lap, and disposed on it the viands and beverages
congenial to a Juvenile Fete Champ^tre, namely,
cold pigeon pie, ham and beef sandvnches, and
tea-cakes, with flasks of home-made gooseberry,
currant, and cowslip wine, and a few bottles of
porter and ale, for the more mature of the sylvan
revellers. These good things, vdth grace before
and after, having been duly discussed, not forget-
ting the allotment of a portion for Tobias — the
votaries of Flora, &c. again betook themselves to
their rural felicity till recalled by the sound of a,
large handbell, when her little flock having been
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306 THE OMNIBUS.
counted over, they proceeded to the rendezvous, —
a majestic Monarch of the Forest, alias a large
oak — and punctual to appointment there stood the
green Omnibus, the Paragon, with its horses ready
harnessed — but where was Tobias?
In vain twenty shrill voices made the woods
ring with "Tobias! — bias! — iasl" — no Tobias
answered. In speechless alarm, the anxious females
clustered again around the Governess, gazing in
each other's faces with blank looks, when suddenly
they were startled by a strange sound from the
interior of the vehicle.— Yes, there certainly was
somebody snoring in the omnibus, but nobody
cared to verify the fact, by inspection, for suppose
it should not be Tobias? At last the more coura-
geous Miss Groper ventured to open the door and
look in, and alas ! for human frailty ! Tobias it was
indeed, helplessly, hopelessly drunk !
Poor Tobias ! Too corpulent to skip after but-
terflies, or climb for birds' nests, too ignorant to
read " Sturm's Eeflections," or in truth any thing
else, and unable to play at hide and seek with
himself he had found the time pass away very
tediously,
Under the shade of melancholy boughs.
He had looked at the sole of each boot, more than
once, and into the crown of his hat still oftener.
Digitized by VjOOQIC
THE OMNIBUS. 307
and had blown his nose, and counted the fourpence
halfpenny in his pocket over and over, but he
could not always be blowing his nose without
a cold, or counting fourpence halfpenny. How then
was he to occupy or amuse himself but by eating
and drinking? — the last, indeed, being encouraged
by the heat of the weather, and the discovery of
certain bottles of ale and stout, and home-made
wines amongst the remnants of the feast* So
tapping a bottle of ale, he quaffed it off, not with-
out drinking the health of the Governess and the
ladies in general, succeeded by more particular
toasts, as the " young 'oman in the welwet cape,"
'^she in the blue bonnet," and the like. Then
he drank the porter, and then he instinctively put
to the horses, for the &tigue of which he refreshed
himself with another bottle of ale, and then tasted
the wines, and then feeling drowsy, crept into the
further comer of the 'bus for a nap, till the arrival
of the company. But the malt Uquor had been
more potent, and his slumber was deeper than he
had reckoned on. The maidens might as well
have attempted to rouse Rip Van Winkle.
What was to be done ? There was not a house
within reach, or a creature within hail. The
gloom of evening was fast deepening, and the
prospect of being benighted in the Forest, associ-
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308 TH£ OMNIBUS.
ated, by some at least, with wild beasts and ban-
ditti, reconciled the females, old and young, to the
only altematiye. The Goyemess and the majority
of the ladies got into the omnibus, allowing the
horrid creature as wide a berth as they could — the
two teachers ascended outside to the roof — and
the box was assigned to Miss Wrigglesworth, who
on the strength of haying once driyen a donkey
shay, assumed the whip and the ribbons, and set
the horses in motion by one cut at the reins
and another at the traces. Luckily the horses
were steady and sensible animals, and being allowed
their own way at first, kept the coach out of diffi-
culties, till the charioteer attempting some manoeu-
yres of her own, contriyed to perch the omnibus
on an eminence dangerous eyen for a Paragon.
The rest may be briefly told. Tobias was
dragged fix>m the yehicle by the legs, and after a
hearty shaking was secured, by the side of F. in the
gig. The omnibus, I yolunteered to pilot to
Pro^ct House, where I safely deposited its pre-
dous fireight — ^the Goyemess literally oyerwhelm-
ing me with her acknowledgments — and the young
ladies declaring one and all, with eyery appearance
of sincerity, that " they would neyer, neyer, neyer
go any where again without Gentlemen."
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809
MR. WAKLEY AND THE POETS.
Hark thee, Thomas, do thine ears know the tinging of Blondel
from the braying of an ass. The Talisman.
It must often have puzzled editors to account
for the deluge of Poetry, so called, which of late
years has poured into the Balaam-boxes of the
periodicals. Indeed, there is no Magazine or
Literary Journal but from time to time has had
to announce the utter impossibility of returning
such contributions to the authors — just such an
impossibility as beset Mrs. Partington when she
attempted to send back the Atlantic, ,
For our own part, the phenomenon has been a
standing wonder; as month after month we found
our library table covered with fresh verse — ^rhyme
enough to fill whole magazines. Where could it
all come from ? What sort of laborious creatures
could thus keep spin, spin, spinning on, without
profit, and without encouragement, for not a
hundredth — ^no, not a thousandth part obtained
insertion.
The mystery, however, is solved. The deluge
of bad poetry — the rush of rhyme is accounted
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310 MR. WAKIiEY AND THE POETS.
for ; and Editors in future will be able to attribute
any extraordinary high-tide of sing-song to its true
source. Astounding as it may seem, consider ing
his multifarious occupations as Member of Par-
liament, Coroner, and Editor of a medical work,
yet by his own confession during the debate on the
Copyright Bill, Mr. Wakley, besides spouting,
sitting on bodies, and Lancet-grinding, has actually
been composing poetry — not by the page or sheet,
but by the standard mile and the imperial bushel*
It would of course be impossible to trace all
the effusions of such a very prolific versifier : but
personally we are convinced that we have been
favoured with at least a few pecks, and rods poles
or perches of the manufacture of tliis new Thomas
the Rhymer. All the anonymous pieces were his
of coui'se, as well as those signed T. or W,, and
we venture to attribute to the same hand, on in-
ternal evidence, a few furlongs of poetry that have
been sent under other initials. But the mass had
all one common characteristic : a certain wooden
style, strongly reminding us that the author repre-
sents Finsbury Square, where, as we all know, the
Temple of the Muses was turned into an Uphols-
tery Warehouse.
And, now, do we envy the new Poet his ex-
traordinary facility? Do we begrudge him his
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MR. WAKl.EY AND THE POETS. 311
miraculous knack of rhyming, his poetical bottom
and long-windedness ? Not a jot. But we do
resent the ungraciousness with which, after con-
fessing himself a Bard, he turned round on the
Brotherhood, and like a Malay running a-muck,
made a rush at a venerable Poet, whose age and
character ought to have secured him from such an
onset. Could there be in the case any of that
literary jealousy so commonly attributed to the
sons of song ?
•* It is impossible," said Mr. Wakley, " to satisfy
a disappointed author." And having failed so egre-
giously in his own poetical pursuits, we can imagine
him to have been particularly dissatisfied with those
of his contemporaries who had obtained name and
fame, and money into the bargain. Accordingly,
sweeping together the best and brightest names in
our literature, he called them all, and in particular
the copyright petitioners, "a set of literary quacks."
As to authors, what were they in usefulness com-
pared to Doctors, or even Apothecaries ? What
was a Shakspeare, a Milton, a Scott, or a Words-
worth, to any Ollapod who, when a farmer fell
from a load of hay, and fractured his skull, could
raise up the depressed bone again with an instru-
ment called an elevator ?
We thank thee, Jew, for teaching us that word !
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812 MB. WAKLET AND THE POETS.
An Elevator ! — why what is poetry but an elevator,
not of a paltry bit of bone, but of the Human
Soul ? We concede, then, to Mr. Wakley the full
advantage of his surgical case — we allow all the
blessing of the poor agriculturist being enabled,
within five minutes, to sit up in bed and receive
the caresses of his wife and children : but we really
must beg leave to remind the Honourable Story-
teller that whilst his surgeon was setting to rights
the broken skull of one farmer, our Authors were
operating beneficially on the brains of Millions !
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