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COMPLETE   WORKS  OF 

CHARLES  F.  BROWNE, 


BETTER  KNOWN  AS 


"ARTEMUS  WARD." 


BALLANTYNE,    HANSON    AND  CO. 
EUINUURGH   AND   LONDON 


»    # 


*# 


r/^/^'^  ^^%^^^^^^^^. 


^/^s^^*^^.^ 


y^ 


THE 

COMPLETE  WORKS  OF 

ROWNE^ 


CHARLES    F?'^BROWNE^i^ 


BETTER  KNOWN  AS 


"ARTEMUS    WARD" 


A  NEW  EDITION 

WITH   PORTRAIT   BY    GEFLOWSKl 
FACSIMILE  OF  HANDWRITING,  &»c. 


Eontfon 
CHATTO   AND  WINDUS,   PICCADILLY 

1884 


JancToft  Ub«iy 


CONTENTS. 


PORTRAIT  OP  CHARLES  P.  BROWNE — (FBOM  BUST  BY  GEPLOWSKi).    TofoCC  title. 

ARTEMUS  WARD  :  HIS  BOOK. 


riss 

uttboduction, 

•                            •                             '                            4 

.        27 

ONE  OP  MB  ward's  BUSINESS  LETTER8| 

.        37 

THE  SKAKERS, 

38 

HIOH-HANDED  OUTRAGE  AT  UTICA, 

. 

45 

CELEBRATION  AT  BALDINSVILLE  IN  HONOUR  OP  THE  ATLANTIC  CABLE, 

45 

AMONG  THE  SPIRITS,      . 

48 

ON  THE  WING, 

£1 

THE  OCTOROON, 

hi 

EXPERIENCE  AS  AN  EDITOR,       . 

.        58 

OBERLIN, 

.       59 

THE  Showman's  courtship, 

.        61 

THE  CRISIS, 

64 

WAX  PIGURES  V.   8HAKSPEARE, 

67 

AMONG  THE  PREE  LOVERS, 

69 

SCANDALOUS  DOINOS  AT  PITTSBURG, 

•                              •                           ♦                           • 

71 

VI 


CONTENTS. 


a  visit  to  bmgham  touno, 

the  census,    . 

an  honest  living, 

the  press,       .... 

edwin  forrest  as  othello, 

the  show  business  and  popular  lectures, 

woman's  rights, 

would-be  sea  dogs, 

ON  "  FORTS,"      . 
PICCOLOMINI,     . 


THE  DISGUISED  DUKE, 


LITTLE  PATTI, 

MOSES,  THE  SASSY  ;   OR, 

THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES, 

OSSAWATOMIE  BROWN, 

JOT  IN  THE  HOUSE  OP  WARD, 

CRUISE  OP  THE  POLLY  ANN, 

INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN, 

THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED,       . 

THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE, 

FOURTH  OP  JULY  ORATION, 

THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BM.DINSVILLE, 

INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON, 

ARTBMUS  ward's  BROTHER,       . 

BETSY-JAIN  BE-ORQUNIZED,       . 

BRIGHAM  young's  WIVES, 


CONTENTS. 


Vll 


TAVERN  ACCOMMODATION, 

A.  ward's  first  umbrella,    . 

AN  AFFECTING  POEM, 

"  THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD," 

MORMON  BILL  OF  FARE, 

MARION  :   A  ROMANCE  OF  THE  FRENCH  SCHOOL, 

EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS, 

SOLILOQUY  OF  A  LOW  THIEF,      . 

TOUCHING  LETTER  FROM  A  GORY  MEMBER  OF  THE  HOME  GUARD, 

SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS, 

THE  WIFE,  ..... 

A  JUVENILE  COMPOSITION  :    ON  THE  ELEPHANT, 

A  POEM  BY  THE  SAME, 

THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE, 

MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK  (sOIREE), 


PAOK 

139 
189 
140 
140 
144 
145 
147 
150 
151 
152 
156 
156 
157 
157 
163 


ARTEMUS  WARD  (HIS  TRAVELS)  AMONG  THE 
MORMONS. 


INTRODUCTION, 


171 


PART  I.— ON  THE  RAMPAGE. 


1.  ON  THE  STEAMER, 

2.  THE  ISTHMUS, 

3.  MEXICO.       . 


190 

192 
196 


7111 


4.   CALIFORNIA,              .... 

5.   WASHOE,     ...... 

6.   MR  PEPPER,               .                .                .               .                , 

7.  HORACE  Greeley's  ride  to  placerville, 

8.    TO  REESE  RIVER, 

9.    GREAT  SALT  LAKE  CITY,       . 

10.   THE  MOUNTAIN  FEVER, 

11.    "I  AM  HERE," 

12.   BRIGHAM  YOUNG,                    .               .                . 

13.   A  PTECE  IS  SPOKEN, 

14.   THE  BALL,                  .               .               .               .        . 

15.   PHELPS's  ALMANAC, 

16.  HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  ! 

17.    VERY  MUCH  MARRIED, 

28^   THE  REVELATION  OF  JOSEPH  SMITH, 

PART  II.— PERLITE  LITTERATOOR. 

1.  A  WAR  MEETING, 

2.  ARTEMUS  ward's  AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 

3.  THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK, 

4.  IN  CANADA, 

5.  THE  NOBLE  RED  M^N, 

6.  THE  SERENADE, 

7.  A  ROMANCE  :  WILLIAM  BARKER,  THE  YOUNG  PATRIOT, 

8.  A  ROMANCE  :  THE  CONSCRIPT, 


CONl'ENTS. 


IX 


9.   A  BOMANCB  :  OHLT  A  MECHANIC, 

10.  BOSTON,       .  .  ,  . 

11.  a  mormon  romance  :  reginald  glovebson, 

12.  artemus  ward  in  richmond, 

13.  artemus  ward  to  the  prince  op  wales, 

14.  affairs  round  the  village  green, 

15.  agriculture,       .... 

16.  o'bourcy's  "arrah-na-pogue," 


WOK 

273 

274 

279 

.   284 

289 

294 

301 

.   305 

ARTEMUS  WARD  AMONG  THE  FENIANS. 


PRELIMINARY, 

ARTEMUS  WARD  AMONG  THE  FENIANS, 

ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  WASHINGTON, 


313 
318 

324 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 


IiNTRODUCTION  BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON,      . 
PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  EDWARD  P.  HINGSTON, 
THE  LECTURE, 


331 


357 


APPENDIX. 


«  THE  TIMES  "  NOTICE, 
ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME, 
AUTOGRAPH  OF  ARTEMUS  WARD, 


392 

403 


CONTENTS, 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  LONDON,  AND  OTHER  HUMOROUS 
PAPERS. 


INTKODUCTOBT,  .  .  . 

1.  ARRIVAL  IN  LONDON, 

2.  PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS, 

3.  THE  GREEN  LION  AND  OLIVER  CROMWELL, 

4.  AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE, 

5.  IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB, 

6.  THE  TOWER  OF  LONDON,      . 

7.  SCIENCE  AND  NATURAL  HISTORY,     . 

8.  A  VISIT  TO  THE  BRITISH  MUSEUM, 

9.  PTROTECHNY, 

10.  THE  NEGRO  QUESTION, 

11.  ARTEMUS  WARD  ON  HEALTH, 

12.  A  FRAGMENT, 


pias 

407 

409 
413 
417 
422 
427 
432 
436 
441 
446 
452 
455 
457 


ESSAYS  AND  SKETCHES. 

1.  RED  HAND  :    A  TALE  OF  REVENGE, 

2.  THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES, 

3.  HOW  OLD  ABE  RECEIVED  THE  NEWS  OF  HIS  NOMINATION, 

4.  ROBERTO  THE  ROVER  :    A  TALE  OF  SEA  AND  SHORE, 

5.  ABOUT  EDITORS,       .  .  .  .  .       ' 

6.  EDITING,      ...... 

7.  POPULARITY,  .  .  .  , 


461 
465' 
470 
471 
475 
476 
478 


CONTENTS, 


XI 


. 

PAGB 

8.   A  LITTLE  DIFnOULTT  IN  THE  WAT, 

479 

9,   OTHELLO,                     ..... 

480 

10.  SCENES  OUTSIDE  THE  PAIB  GROUND, 

483 

11.   COLOUBED  people's  CHUBCH, 

486 

12.   SPIRITS,      ...... 

488 

13.    MR  BLOWHARD,        ..... 

490 

14.   MARKET  MORNING,                  .... 

491 

15.    WE  SEE  TWO  WITCHES, 

.      493 

16.   FROM  A  HOMELY  MAN, 

.      498 

17.   THE  ELEPHANT,        .               *.                ,                 • 

.      500 

18.    BUSTS,         .                 .                 . 

.      502 

19.  HOW  THE  NAPOLEON  OF  SELLERS  WAS  SOLD, 

.      503 

20.   ON  AUTUMN,             .... 

.      505 

21.   PAYING  FOR  HIS  PROVENDER  BY  PRATING, 

.      506 

22.   HUNTING  TROUBLE, 

.      507 

23.   DARK  DOINGS,          .... 

.      508 

24,   A  HARD  CASE,           .                .                 .     "           . 

.      509 

25.  REPORTERS,              .... 

.      510 

26.   HE  HAD  THE  LITTLE  VOUCHER  IN  HIS  POCKET, 

.    ■  511 

27.    THE  GENTLEMANLY  CONDUCTOR,      . 

513 

28.   ARTEMUS  WARD  AMONG  THE  MORMONS,  REPORTED  BY   HIMSELF,  OB 

SOMEBODY  ELSE, 

.      5i>' 

e      ARTEMUS   WARD 


HIS    BOOK. 


AT  THE  DOOR   OF  THE   TENT, 

Ladies  and  Genilemen,  the  Shoiv  is  about  to  commence.  You 
could  not  well  expect  to  go  in  without  payings  but  you  may  pay 
without  going  in.     I  can  say  no  fairer  than  that. 


INTRODUCTION. 


MUCH  of  the  quaintness  observable  in  American  humour 
has  come  down  from  the  old  Puritans,  whose  sober  treat- 
ment of  comic  things  and  comic  treatment  of  sober  matters  give 
their  talk  a  very  different  effect  at  the  present  time  to  what  they 
intended.  Old  New  England  sermons  abound  in  these  incon- 
sistencies ;  and,  instead  of  being  dull  reading,  are  often  the 
lightest,  although  the  preachers  were  totally  unaware  of  the 
comic  touches  they  were  giving  to  their  outpourings.  I  have 
read  somewhere  a  story  of  a  pious  but  strong  blacksmith — I 
think  Mr  Dickens  knows  something  of  the  authorship ^vho 
pummelled  an  unbeliever  into  a  state  of  satisfactory  conver- 
sion, timing  his  blows  to  the  most  awakening  revival  tunes 
that  he  was  master  of  The  tale  is  not  overdrawn,  and  I  feel 
satisfied  the  occurrence  has  happened  somewhere  in  America 
at  one  time  or  another. 

Not  many  years  since,  there  was  a  famous  preacher  of  the 
old  Puritan  school  in  one  of  the  New  England  States,  who 
used  to  play  such  pranks  in  the  pulpit  as  our  Kowland  Hill  is 
said  to  have  done,  and  as  a  contemporary  now  occasionally 
indulges  in  at  the  Tabernacle,  only  the  Eev.  Lorenzo  Dow  was 
the  more  daring  performer  of  the  three.  On  one  occasion  he 
took  a  text  from  Paul,  "  / can  do  all  things"  The  preacher 
paused,  took  off  his  spectacles,  laid  them  on  the  open  Bible, 
and  said,  "No,  Paul,  you  are  mistaken  for  once ;  I  '11  bet  you 
five  dollars  you  can't,  and  stake  the  money."  At  the  same 
time  putting  his  hand  into  his  pocket,  he  took,  out  a  five- 


28  INTRODUCTION, 

dollar  bill,  laid  it  on  the  Bible,  took  up  his  spectacles  again, 
and  read,  "  Through  Jesus  Christ  our  Lord."  "  Ah,  Paul ! " 
exclaimed  Dow,  snatching  up  the  five-dollar  bill,  and  return- 
ing it  to  his  pocket,  "  that 's  a  very  diiferent  matter ;  the  bet 's 
withdrawn." 

The  best  stories  I  ever  heard  were  those  of  a  travelling 
American  Methodist,  at  a  place  called  Council  Hill,  a  few 
miles  back  from  the  Upper  Mississippi.  He  used  to  draw  the 
neighbourhood  twice  or  three  times  a  week  to  "  class-meetings ;" 
but  the  great  treat  for  the  people  were  his  comic  tales  and 
"  experiences  " — as  he  termed  them — which  he  used  to  nar- 
rate at  the  brick-store  opposite,  always  crowded  when  Preacher 
Williams  was  in  the  way.  He  was  a  gi-eat  man  amongst  the 
religious  folk,  and  the  most  powerful  revivalist  in  those  parts ; 
the  whole  village,  on  one  occasion,  being  closed  to  business 
for  three  days,  the  community  in  their  best  clothes,  and  all 
given  up  to  the  work  of  the  Spirit,  except  two  or  three  stub- 
born old  bar-room  keepers  at  the  other  end  of  the  place,  who 
were  loudly  prayed  for  in  the  meeting-house  day  and  night. 
Preacher  Williams'  great  art  in  "fetching"  the  house  was 
shedding  tears,  which  usually  brought  up  the  handkerchiefs 
from  the  females  and  the  sleeves  of  the  men  in  sorrowing 
sympathy,  with  numerous  amens  from  the  deaf  old  people 
behind,  who  could  only  tell  by  the  movement  in  handkerchiefs 
when  it  was  their  turn  to  begin ;  but  crying  had  become  so 
common  to  him,  that  telling  a  story  had  much  the  same  effect 
upon  his  eyes  as  a  sermon,  and  the  consequence  was,  he  always 
had  a  bleared,  weak-eyed  look.  Otherwise  he  was  not  a  bad- 
looking  man.  Gossipers  did  say  that  he  would  have  been  a 
bishop  long  ago  but  for  this  fatal  gift  at  story-telling,  which 
made  the  less  talented  ministers  very  jealous  of  him. 

This  mixing  of  sacred  with  secular  matters,  commenced  by 
the  Puritans,  is  now  common  in  almost  all  American  thought 
and  expression.  In  a  senator's  speech,  in  a  stump  oration,  in 
a  newspaper  article,  a  parallel  drawn  anywhere  from  Genesis 


INTRODUCTION.  29 

to  the  Eevelations  is  considered  not  only  fair  but  elegant.  In 
their  humorous  poems,  as  we  all  know  by  the  "  Biglow 
Papers,"  such  biblical  references  are  common.  Some  journals 
in  this  country  rather  severely  criticised  Mr  Lowell  for  this, 
to  them,  exhibition  of  bad  taste;  but  it  may  be  doubted 
whether  the  Americans  of  the  present  day  intend  religious 
disrespect,  any  more  than  did  the  Puritan  preachers  of  old. 
One  thing  is  certain,  that  incongruity  of  ideas  is  carried  to  a 
much  greater  extent  in  American  humour  than  it  is  in  our 
own ;  and  it  is  this  mental  exaggeration,  this  odd  mixture  of 
widely  different  thoughts,  that  distinguishes  Yankee  from 
English  fun. 

Most  countries  have  a  great  many  floating  metaphors  and 
popular  figures  of  speech,  which  are  full  of  amusement  to  the 
foreigner.  Our  own  streets  have  many  such  quaint  expressions, 
and  the  language  is  continually  being  recruited  from  them.  In 
Artemus  Ward's  book  the  recent  popular  fun  of  America  has 
been  gathered  up,  and  we  may  see  in  it  a  great  deal  of  that 
small  talk,  that  "  chaff" — if  we  may  so  speak — which  crowds 
are  always  casting  up  for  their  amusement. 

The  incongruity  of  ideas  just  mentioned  as  peculiar  to 
America,  is  especially  observable  in  Ai-temus  Ward.  He  is  a 
cunning  old  fellow,  with  plenty  of  low  humour,  but  without 
any  education ;  yet  from  his  address  card  we  may  see  that  he 
figures  as  newspaper  correspondent  as  well  as  orator  and  states- 
man. Of  course  the  character  is  heightened  for  the  sake  of 
the  fun ;  but  the  portrait  of  Artemus,  as  given  in  "  His  Book," 
is  not  wholly  caricature.  In  all  parts  of  the  United  States 
many  such  odd  personages  may  be  met  with.  On  the  steam- 
boats of  the  Western  rivers,  in  the  railway  cars,  in  the  back- 
woods, the  brothers  and  sisters  of  Mr  AVard  may  be  found. 
The  country  seems  to  delight  in  them,  and  it  certainly  never 
lacks  any  supply.  Some  years  since,  the  best  joker  on  tlie 
Mississippi  was  a  "  down  east "  man,  who  left  his  native  state 
to  mind  a  wood-pile  in  Tennessee.     He  lived  by  himself,  and 


so  INTRODUCTION. 

I  do  not  think  there  was  any  house  nearer  to  him  than  twenty 
or  thirty  miles ;  but  he  was  as  full  of  fun  and  news  as  if  he  got 
a  good  living  by  comic  penny-a-lining  in  a  big  city.  His  log 
shanty  was  close  by  the  wood-pile,  and  his  sole  protection 
from  some  rather  ugly  wild  animals  in  those  parts  was  an  old 
rifle  hung  up  over  the  door.  He  begged  newspapers  from  all 
steamboats  that  stopped  to  "  wood-up,"  and  in  general  chaff 
was  more  than  a  match  for  the  passengers  and  crew  combined. 
Like  many  other  Americans,  he  had  been  through  the  whole 
directory  of  trades — by  turns  schoolmaster,  storekeeper,  nigger- 
driver  (his  last  occupation),  farmer,  travelling  dentist,  and  in 
the  photographic  line.  He  had  one  vanity,  however — dress. 
On  Sundays  he  came  forth  far  finer  than  did  the  other  Eobin- 
son  Crusoe  on  the  first  day  of  the  week.  A  finely-plaited 
white  shirt,  black  satin  waistcoat  (the  delight  of  the  fashion- 
able West),  and  patent  leather  store  boots,  formed  his  usual 
attire  on  the  Sabbath.  I  almost  forgot  to  say  that  he  had 
been  a  temperance  man,  doing  good  Fourth-of-July  work  when 
young,  but  latterly  he  had  thought  that  a  jug  of  whisky  might 
be  company  for  him,  so  he  kept  one,  which  was  filled  up  from 
the  boats  as  they  passed. 

There  was  a  strange  old  fellow,  an  early  settler  in  Illinois, 
who  gave  a  name  to  a  tract  of  land  in  those  parts.  He  was 
mild  on  all  topics  but  one — teetotalism.  Any  wayfarer  might 
have  bed  and  board  for  a  night,  but  woe  betide  him  if  he 

objected  to  take  a  glass  with  his  host.     Old  M had  one 

stock  lecture  always  on  hand.  It  was  dead  against  the  men 
who  pledged  themselves  adverse  to  inebriating  liquors.  "  Teu 
thunk,"  said  the  lecturer,  "that  Gaud  shude  gev  us  sich  luvin 
preufs  as  Ohiar  whiskey,  old  rum,  and  the  best  Neuw  York 
brandy,  and  them  all-fired  temprunce  ranturs  shude  go  agin 
Him  and  His  wurks  ded-set.  Say,  you  meesly  critturs,  why 
doant  yir  rail  agin  the  Maker  for  givin  us  four-wheeled  wag- 
gins,  state  tickets,  steam-threshers,  and  other  things  sleeghtly 
onsartin  in  the  runnin  ?     Liquors  is  blessins,  groserys  is  bless- 


INTRODUCTION.  31 

Ins,  liand-saws  is  blessins,  only  we  don't  all  go  to-once  and  saw 
our  fingurs  off  kerslap  !     Do  we  ?     Say,  "will  yer  ? " 

There  was  another  odd  personage  in  the  immediate  neigh- 
bourhood, C.  B.  Denio,  a  whitewasher  and  stump  speaker,  also  a 
lecturer.  I  don't  suppose  he  ever  had  ten  cents  spent  upon  his 
early  education,  and  he  used  to  appear  rather  proud  of  being 
called  off  a  ladder  to  address  his  "  feller  citerzens,"  with  the 
sprinkles  of  whitewash  still  adhering  to  his  face  and  clothes ; 
but  he  was  what  is  known  there  as  a  powerful  speaker,  and 
soon  after  he  was  elected  to  the  Legislature.  At  the  present 
moment  he  is  one  of  the  principal  officers  of  state  in  California. 

Characters  of  this  kind  are  the  idols  of  the  American  popu- 
lar mind,  and  the  supply  quite  keeps  pace  with  the  demand. 
An  ungenerous  traveller  in  the  United  States,  remarking  on 
the  difference  betwixt  public  taste  and  opinion  there,  as  com- 
pared with  the  feeling  of  the  middle  classes  here,  has  said  that 
a  laudable  desire  to  excel  is  the  general  characteristic  of 
Americans,  but  that  high  moral  competition  was  sadly  inter- 
fered with  by  another  taste  which  had  a  latent  existence  in  all 
classes  of  society,  from  the  bishops  downwards — viz.,  to  fight 
and  drink  whisky. 

The  first  mention  that  the  writer  remembers  of  Artemus 
was  in  Vanity  Fair,  a  sort  of  New  York  Punchy  where  some 
very  comic  paragraphs  appeared  from  time  to  time,  giving  us 
the  sayings  and  opinions  of  "  the  showman,"  as  he  delighted 
in  calling  himself.  These  little  sketches,  dressed  up  in  a 
burlesque  orthography,  and  leaning  on  the  broad  Yankee  dia- 
lect, like  Burns'  songs  on  the  Scotch,  for  an  increase  of  effect, 
soon  attracted  very  general  attention,  and  were  quoted  in  the 
newspapers  far  and  wide.  Like  Major  Jack  Downing,  whose 
"Letters"  at  one  time  were  famous,  but  which  latterly  have 
been  found  not  equal  in  humour  to  the  requirements  of  the 
crowd,  Artemus  Ward  soon  became  a  distinct  character  in  the 
popular  mind,  and  on  any  public  occasion  his  opinion  is  almost 
sui-e  to  go  the  round  of  the  press.      After  a  time  Mr  Ward's 


32  INTRODUCTION, 

savings  were  gathered  up  into  a  book,  and  a  careful  reprint 
of  that,  minus  some  sketches  which  have  nothing  to  do  with 
the  "  showman,"  is  now  before  the  reader. 

Artemus  Ward  is,  as  may  have  been  surmised,  a  worn  di 
flume.  The  real  name  of  the  author  is  Charles  F.  Brown ;  and 
as  his  own  biography  affords  a  very  fair  example  of  the  strange 
ups  and  downs  incidental  to  American  life,  the  following 
sketch  from  a  New  York  paper  will  not  be  deemed  out  of  place 
here: — 

He  was  born  away  down  east  in  the  town  of  Waterford,  Me.,  in  1836. 
When  quite  young  he  entered  a  printing-office,  and  in  a  short  time  waa 
considered  a  first-rate  type-sticker ;  but  getting  tired  of  seeing  the  same  old 
faces  every  day,  he  determined  to  start  out  on  a  travelling  tour.  He  did 
so,  and  visited  all  the  principal  towns  in  New  England,  stopping  at  each 
place  for  a  brief  period,  working  at  his  trade.  He  finally  settled  down  in 
Boston,  where  he  worked  with  *'  stick  and  rule  "  until  his  genius  soared 
above  the  "  case,"  and  he  was  soon  ensconced  in  the  editorial  chair,  revel- 
ling in  the  flowery  paths  of  literature.  Comic  stories  and  comic  essays 
were  his  "  fortus,"  as  a  celebrated  divine  once  remarked.  His  effusions 
were  read  far  and  wide,  and  gained  for  him  in  a  short  time  a  very  enviable 
reputation.  Boston  proving  too  small  for  the  development  of  his  ambi- 
tious ideas,  he  packed  up  his  carpet-bag  and  steered  for  the  West.  On  the 
shores  of  Lake  Ei-ie,  and  on  the  banks  of  the  Ohio  and  Mississippi,  he  picked 
up  that  knowledge  of  Western  life,  and  acquired  that  acute  insight  into 
the  comic  side  of  Western  character,  which  have  stood  out  so  conspicu- 
ously in  his  humorous  sketches.  In  Toledo,  Ohio,  Mr  Brown  gained  much 
credit  as  a  writer.  From  Toledo  he  wended  his  steps  to  Cleveland,  and 
took  up  his  quarters  in  the  editorial  department  of  the  Plaindealer.  Up 
*'  to  this  p'int  in  his  eventful  life"  he  was  known  as  plain  Charles  F.  Brown, 
but  as  soon  as  he  commenced  operations  in  Cleveland  he  baptized  himself 
**  Artemus  Ward.'*  Assuming  the  management  of  his  celebrated  "wax 
figgers,"  his  fame  waxed  higher  and  higher,  Cleveland,  like  all  other 
places  that  he  had  visited,  became  in  its  turn  too  small  to  hold  him  any 
longer,  and  he  came  to  New  York  in  the  fall  of  1860,  and  became  enrolled 
among  the  corps  editorial  of  Vanity  Fair.  His  first  attempt  at  lecturing 
was  at  Norwich,  Conn.,  since  which  time  he  has  been  well  known  as  a 
lecturer  and  comic  author.  His  chief  subjects  are  "  The  Babes  in  the 
Wood,"  "  Sixty  Minutes  in  Africa,"  "  An  Hour  with  President  Lincoln," 
"Artemus  Ward's  Struggle  with  the  Ghost,"  and  "  Life  among  the  Mor- 
mons."     His  lectures  have  been  among  the  most  popular  of  any  delivered 


INTRODUCTION.  33 

in  this  country.  He  haa  received  from  literary  societies  very  high  sums  for 
lecturing,  and  we  have  also  heard  it  reliably  stated  that,  recognising  the  debt 
of  gratitude  he  uvves  to  his  country,  he  has  contributed  nearly  5000  dollars 
to  the  Union  cause,  by  lectures  delivered  within  the  past  two  years.  On 
the  13th  of  October  186?,  he  sailed  for  California,  preceded  a  month 
previous  by  Mr  Kingston  as  business  manager.  He  gave  his  first  comic 
oration  at  Piatt's  Music  Hall,  San  Francisco,  November  13.  The  tickets 
were  one  dollar  each,  and  the  hall  was  filled  to  its  utmost  capacity.  The 
receipts  amounted  to  1465  dollars.  His  subject  was  **  The  Babes  in  the 
Wood."  His  second  oration  was  delivered  November  17,  at  the  same 
place,  when  the  hall  was  not  near  large  enough  to  hold  the  crowd.  He 
then  started  on  a  tour  through  the  country,  appearing  at  Stockton,  Marys- 
ville,  and  Sacramento.  He  repeated  his  "  Babes  in  the  Wood  "  at  the 
Metropolitan  Theatre,  San  Francisco,  to  a  900-doUar  house.  At  a  little 
town  called  Folsom,  in  a  little  mining  theatre  of  rough  boards,  he  had  150 
dollars.  The  joke  of  the  lecture  did  not  seem  to  be  very  well  understood, 
however,  for  in  the  midst  of  it  the  gentlemen  with  short  pipes  in  the 
orchestra  stalls  requested  Artemus  to  favour  them  with  a  song,  persisting 
In  their  call  till  he  gave  them  a  new  version  of  "  Billy  Barlow  ;"  after  which 
they  treated  him  to  "can  oysters"  and  California  wine.  In  Oroville  and 
Nevada  City  he  lectured  in  a  church.  In  Auburn  he  expatiated  in  a  bil- 
liard-saloon. At  Jackson,  the  new  theatre  not  being  luilt,  he  appeared  in 
the  basement  of  the  gaol  for  one  night  only.  The  murderers'  cells  opened 
into  it  aU  the  way  round,  and  by  throwing  open  the  iron  doors  the  cells 
eould  be  turned  into  private  boxes.  At  San  Jos^  they  illuminated  the 
city  with  tar-barrels,  which  blazed  in  every  thoroughfare  on  the  night  of  his 
arrival.  At  Santa  Clara,  the  building  not  being  large  enough,  the  entire 
audience  adjourned  to  the  open  air,  while  Artemus,  supported  by  Hingston, 
his  agent,  holding  two  wax  candles,  "  spoke  his  piece"  beneath  the  canojjy 
of  the  starry  skies.  While  on  his  way  to  Salt  Lake  City  he  was  captured 
by  the  Indians,  who  threatened  to  scalp  him  and  carry  him  into  captivity 
unless  he  danced  the  "  Essence  of  Virginny,"  It  was  torture  sufl&cient 
when  miners  out  in  California  made  him  sing  a  comic  song  ;  but  the  idea 
of  dancing  a  nigger  schottische  was  ten  times  worse.  Brigham  Young 
being  "  in  with  the  Injuns,"  succeeded  in  having  the  showman  restored 
to  liberty  and  the  Mormon  women.  The  change,  however,  wasn't  much 
better.  After  being  caught  by  the  Indians  (and  liberated),  he  in  turn 
caught  the  typhoid  fever,  which  was  running  loose  in  those  parts,  and  it 
was  given  out  that  he  was  "  sick  unto  death."  On  the  24th  of  February 
he  lectured  at  Denver  City,  On  the  next  evening  he  "  spoke  a  piece  "  in 
Central  City  among  the  gold-miners — admission  one  dollar.  Most  of  the 
tickets  were  bought  up  by  speculators,  and  retailed  by  them  at  three,  four, 

C 


54  INTRODUCTION 

and  five  dollars  each.  Artemus  and  Hingston  had  a  third  capsize  on  the 
Bummit  of  the  Eocky  Mountains,  at  Bridger's  Pass.  The  sleigh  was  broken, 
and  they  had  to  walk  four  miles  through  the  snow  at  midnight.  Both 
were  attacked  by  a  troop  of  hungry  wofves,  aud  they  had  to  beat  back 
the  beasts  with  revolvers.  Eeturned  to  New  York,  April  3,  1864.  On  the 
17th  of  October  he  opened  Dodworth  Hall  with  his  representation  on 
canvas  of  his  travels  in  California  and  Salt  Lake  City.  He  opened  to  a 
very  crowded  auditory,  and  has  continued  up  to  the  present  writing  to 
appear  each  night  to  the  ilite  of  the  city.  His  speculation  has  thus  far 
proved  a  great  success.  During  the  representation  of  the  "picters" 
Artemus  is  on  hand,  and  describes  in  his  own  happy  style  everything  that 
is  interesting  to  his  auditors,  and  more  too.  He  is  exceedingly  funny,  and 
keeps  his  hearers  in  a  continual  roar  of  laughter  from  the  moment  he 
first  opens  his  mouth  until  the  audience  are  dismissed  for  the  night.  lu 
appearance  Artemus  "Ward  is  tall,  slender,  and  light-complexioned,  with 
prominent  features,  fair  hair,  and  very  mirthful  eyes. 

By  the  last  accounts  Artemus  "Ward  was  still  lecturing  in 
New  York,  but  it  is  expected  that  he  will  shortly  bring  his 
engagements  there  to  a  close  and  visit  this  country.  Many 
who  have  heard  him  assert  that  he  will  draw  as  large  crowds 
here  as  in  his  own  country,  and  that,  for  a  time  at  least,  he 
will  take  the  late  Albert  Smith's  place  among  us. 

Some  of  Artemus's  advertisements  are  exceedingly  comic, 
certainly  different  from  anything  of  the  kind  that  we  see  in 
our  newspapers  : — 

ARTEMUS      WARD!      ARTEMUS      WARDI 
IS  AT  HOME  EVERY  EVENING, 
AND  ARTEMUS  WARD  RECEIVES   CALLS 
AT  DODWORTH  HALL,  806  BROADWAY, 
where  he  has  positively 
NO  OBJECTIONS  TO  SEEING  YOU. 

N.B. — The  Hall  is  bounded  on  the  north-west  by  Broadway  aud  the 
head  of  Eleventh  Street,  on  the  south-east  by  a  yard,  on  the  north-east  by 
a  vacant  lot,  and  on  the  south- v.  est  by  Grace  Church. 

Artemus  Ward  as  speaks  at  Dodworth  Hall,  and  shows  his  Painting! 
the  Evening  of  Every  Day  at  8  o'clock.    Opening  his  Portals  at  7^  o'clock. 

Gates  of  Ticket  Bureau  throvim  wide  to  the  public  from  9  till  5. 

soil  Broadway,  handy  to  Grace  Church. 


INTRODUCTION,  35 

ARTEMUS  WARD  RESPECTFULLY  ANNOUNCES— 1.  That  hia 
foot  is  once  more  on  his  native  heath,  and  his  name  is  Trooly  Yours. 

2.  That  his  native  heath  at  present  is  Dodworth  Hall,  No.  806 
Broadway. 

3.  That  Dodworth  Hall  is,  in  consequence,  a  historical  spot,  equal  in 
aiterest  to  Tammany  Hall,  Mozart  Hall,  Oakey  Hall,  the  City  Hall,  Gen. 
Hall,  or  any  other  Hall  in  town. 

4.  That  nobody  who  has  seen  Artemus  Ward's  Pictures  of  the  Mormons 
need  ever  go  to  the  *'City  of  the  Saints,"  or  anywhere  else,  and  the 
money  thus  saved  may  be  spent  in  buying  overcoats  and  breaking  the 
backbone  of  the  rebellion. 

5.  That  the  said  Pictures  have  already  been  seen  and  examined  by  many 

distinguished  people,  and  among  others  by  A.  L n,  J.  G.  B tt,  H. 

G y,  H.   J.  K d,  W.   C.   B 1,  F.  W d,  M.  M e,  A.  0. 

H 11,  H.  B.  W d,  J.  T.  B y,  S.  C.  M ,  Judge  D y,  Judge 

R 11,  X.   Y.   Z.,   Gen.  McC n,   Gen.  G 1,  Gen.  D x,  Gen. 

S n,  and   the  Gen.  Public,   all  of  whom   agree  that   they  are  great 

Pictures,  and  that  the  entertainment  ought  to  continue  till  this  cruel  war 
is  over,  in  order  that  the  soldiers  may  see  it,  and  we  may  once  more  be  a 
Happy  Country. 

As  every  man  has  his  price,  A.  Ward,  not  to  be  peculiar,  begs  to  state 
that  his  price  is  Fifty  Cents  or  One  Dollar,  according  to  circumstances. 
People  of  a  Reserved  turn  generally  pay  One  Dollar. 

Almost  the  first  night  of  the  performance  in  New  York, 
William  Cullen  Bryant,  the  poet,  attended  the  lecture,  and  he 
remarks  in  his  Evening  Post — "  Artemus  has  a  style  of  his  own, 
which  no  lecturer  has  yet  discovered.  He  says  so  many  funny 
things  that  the  audience  sometimes  let  a  *  goak '  slip  by  un- 
noticed, and  then  Artemus  will  pause  for  a  moment,  with  a 
downcast  expression,  till  a  sudden  guffaw  tells  him  that  some- 
body has  seen  the  point.  His  lecture,  besides  his  rollicking 
fun,  includes  considerable  valuable  information,  whieh  is  re- 
lieved from  the  tedious  elements  usually  existing  in  valuable 
information  by  the  panoramic  pictures  with  which  it  is  illus- 
trated. An  excellent  idea  of  social  life  in  Great  Salt  Lake 
City  is  obtained  from  a  visit  to  '  Yours  trooly,*  besides  a  good 
stock  of  jokes  to  pass  off  at  the  next  dinner-party  as  original." 

The  programme  of  "A.  Ward"  is  quite  a  little  comic 
album  of  itself,  and  includes  the  following  "  Rules  of  the 
House,"  which  we  trust  all  well-disposed  persons  in  the 
audience  will  observe  . — 


36  INTRODUCTION. 

**  1.  ArtemuB  "Ward  is  oompelled  to  charge  1  dollar  for  reserved  seats, 
because  oats,  which  two  years  ago  cost  30  cents  per  bushel,  now  cost  1 
dollar ;  hay  is  also  1  dollar  75  cents  per  cwt.,  formerly  50  cents. 

**  2.  Persons  who  think  they  will  enjoy  themselves  more  by  leaving  the 
hall  early  in  the  evening,  are  requested  to  do  so  with  as  little  noise  as  possible. 

**  3.  Children  in  arms  not  admitted  if  the  arms  are  loaded. 

"4.  Children  under  one  year  of  age  not  admitted,  unless  accompanied 
by  their  parents  or  guardians. 

"  5.  If  any  usher  employed  in  the  hall  should  assault  the  audience,  he 
will  be  reprimanded.  If  the  same  conduct  be  frequently  repeated,  he  will 
be  discharged  without  a  certificate  of  character. 

**6.  Ladies  and  gentlemen  will  please  report  any  negligence  or  dis- 
obedience on  the  part  of  the  Lecturer. 

"  7.  Artemus  "Ward  will  not  be  responsible  for  any  money,  jewellery, 
or  other  valuables  left  with  him — to  be  returned  in  a  week  or  so. 

"8.  The  Manager  will  not  be  responsible  for  any  debts  of  his  own 
contracting. 

"  9,  If  the  audience  do  not  leave  the  hall  when  this  entertainment  is 
over,  they  will  be  put  out  by  the  police." 

A  few  remarks  concerning  the  phraseology  in  which  the 
following  papers  are  written,  seem  necessary  in  this  English 
edition.  The  reader  must  be  careful  to  distinguish  betwixt 
what  is  dialect  and  what  mere  incorrect  orthography.  Where 
the  spelling  is  simply  burlesque  or  cacographic,  but  little  diffi- 
culty will  be  experienced  in  perusal ;  where  local  or  peculiar 
Americanisms  occur,  it  is  believed  that  the  few  foot-notes  will 
explain  the  intention  of  the  author.  The  intermixture  of 
numerals  with  the  t<ixt,  as  in  "  going  2  see  him,"  or  "  going  4 
2  see  him,"  "be4"  for  "before,"  «sow4th"  for  ''soforth," 
«  slam'd  the  4dor,"  "  Ice  "  for  "  once,"  "  3ten  "  for  "  threaten," 
"2  B  or  not  2  B,"  may  be  looked  upon  as  mere  pieces  of 
eccentricity,  a  sort  of  rebus  fun,  or  mayhap  a  notion  on  Mr 
Ward's  part  that  it  is  the  correct  thing,  and  shows  education 
to  abbreviate  one's  speech.  In  this  comic  spelling,  however, 
the  improper  use  of  the  H  is  never  made.  The  Americans 
pride  themselves  on  their  correctness  in  this  particular. 

JOHN  CAMDKN  HOTTEN. 
Piccadilly,  W. 
January  30,  1865; 


ARTEMUS   WARD: 

HIS  BOOK. 

ONE  OF  MR  WARD'S  BUSINESS  LETTERS. 

To  THE  Editor  of  the 

SIR, — I'm  movin  along — slowly  along — down  tords  your 
place.  I  want  you  should  rite  me  a  letter,  sayin  how  is 
the  show  bizniss  in  your  place.  My  show  at  present  consists 
of  three  moral  Bares,  a  Kangaroo  (a  amoozin  little  Raskal — 
t'would  make  you  larf  yerself  to  deth  to  see  the  little  cuss 
jump  up  and  squeal)  wax  figgers  of  G.  Washington  Gen. 
Tayler  John  Bunyan  Capt.  Kidd  and  Dr  Webster  in  the  act 
of  killin  Dr  Parkman,"*  besides  several  miscellany  us  moral 
wax  statoots  of  celebrated  piruts  &  murderers,  &c.,  ekalled  by 
few  &  exceld  by  none.  Now  Mr  Editor,  scratch  orf  a  few 
lines  sayin  how  is  the  show  bizniss  down  to  youj  place.  I 
shall  liav  my  hanbills  dun  at  your  offiss.  Depend  upon  it. 
I  want  you  should  git  my  hanbills  up  in  flamin  stile.  Also 
git  up  a  tremenjus  excitemunt  in  yr.  paper  'bowt  my  onpara- 
leld  Show.  We  must  fetch  the  public  sumhow.  We  must 
wurk  on  their  feelins.  Cum  the  moral  on  'em  strong.  If 
it's  a  temprance  community  tell  'em  I  sined  the  pledge  fifteen 
minits  arter  Ise  born,  but  on  the  contery  ef  your  peple  take 
their  tods,t  say  Mister  Ward  is  as  Jenial  a  feller  as  we  ever 

*  A  murder  committed  in  Boston  a  few  years  since,  which  occasioned 
a  great  sensation  throughout  the  United  States. 

■f*  Vulgar  shortening  of  toddy.  "  Let  us  take  a  tod "  waa  formerly  a 
common  phrase.  Recently,  however,  "  To  Kiss  the  Baby,"  and  to  "Smile" 
have  taken  its  place. 


3?  THE  SHAKERS. 

met,  full  of  conwiviality,  k  tlie  life  an  Sole  of  the  Soshul 
Bored.  Take,  don't  you  ?  If  you  say  anythin  abowt  my 
show  say  my  snaiks  is  as  harmliss  as  the  new  born  Babe, 
What  a  interestin  study  it  is  to  see  a  zewological  animil  like 
a  snaik  under  perfeck  subjecshun  !  My  kangaroo  is  the  most 
larfable  little  cuss  I  ever  saw.  All  for  15  cents.  I  amanx3rus 
to  skewer  your  infloounce.  I  repeet  in  regard  to  them  han- 
bills  that  I  shall  git  'em  struck  orf  up  to  your  printin  office. 
My  perlitercal  sentiments  agree  with  yourn  exackly.  I  know 
thay  do,  becawz  I  never  saw  a  man  whoos  didn't. — Eespec- 
tively  yures,  A.  Ward. 

P.S. — You  scratch  my  back  &  He  scratch  your  back. 


THE  SHAKERS. 


The  Shakers  is  the  strangest  religious  sex  I  ever  met.  I'd 
hearn  tell  of  'em  and  I  'd  seen  'em,  with  their  broad  brim'd 
hats  and  long  wastid  coats  ;  but  I'd  never  cum  into  immejit 
contack  with  'em,  and  I'd  sot  'em  down  as  lackin  intelleck,  as 
I'd  never  seen  'em  to  my  Show — leastways,  if  they  cum  they 
Was  disgised  in  white*  peple's  close,  so  I  didn't  know  'em. 

But  in  the  Spring  of  18 — ,  I  got  swampt  in  the  exterior  of 
New  York  State,  one  dark  and  stormy  night,  when  the  winds 
Blue  pityusly,  and  I  was  forced  to  tie  up  with  the  Shakers. 

I  was  toilin  threw  the  mud,  when  in  the  dim  vister  of  the 
futer  I  obsarved  the  gleams  of  a  taller  candle.  Tiein  a  hornet's 
nest  to  my  off  boss's  tail  to  kinder  encourage  him,  I  soon 
reached  the  place.  I  knockt  at  the  door,  which  it  was  opened 
unto  me  by  a  tall,  slick-faced,  solum  lookin  individooal,  who 
turn'd  out  to  be  a  Elder. 

"  Mr  Shaker,"  sed  I,  "  you  see  before  you  a  Babe  in  the 
Woods,  so  to  speak,  and  he  axes  shelter  of  you." 

*  It  is  very  common  in  the  United  States  to  talk  of  while,  people,  even 
when  BO  comparison  with  the  negro  race  is  intended. 


THE  SHAKERS,  35 

"  Yay,"  sed  the  Shaker,  and  he  led  the  way  into  the  house, 
another  Shaker  .bein  sent  to  put  my  hosses  and  waggin  under 
kiver. 

A  solum  female,  lookin  sumwhat  like  a  last  year's  bean- 
pole stuck  into  a  long  meal-bag,  cum  in  and  axed  me  was  I 
athurst  and  did  I  hunger  ?  to  which  I  urbanely  anserd  "  a 
few."  She  went  orf  and  I  endeverd  to  open  a  conversashun 
with  the  old  man. 

"Elder,  Ispect?"  sed  L 

"Yay,"  he  sed. 

"  Helth's  good,  I  reckon  r' 

"Yay." 

"  What's  the  wages  of  a  Elder,  when  he  understans  his  biz- 
ness — or  do  you  devote  your  sarvices  gratooitus  V* 

"  Yay." 

"  Stormy  night,  sir." 

"  Yay." 

"  If  the  storm  continners  there  'II  be  a  mess  underfoot,  hay? " 
•  ''Yay." 

" It 's  onpleasant  when  there's  a  mess  underfoot  ?" 

"Yay." 

"  If  I  may  be  so  bold,  kind  sir,  what's  the  price  of  that 
pecooler  kind  of  weskit  you  wear,  incloodin  trimmins  % " 

"  Yay ! " 

I  pawsd  a  minit,  and  then,  thinkin  I  'd  be  faseshus  with 
him  and  see  how  that  would  go,  I  slapt  him  on  the  shoulder, 
bust  into  a  harty  larf,  and  told  him  that  as  a  yayer  he  had  no 
livin  ekah 

He  jumpt  up  as  if  Bilin  water  had  bin  squirted  into  his 
ears,  groaned,  rolled  his  eyes  up  tords  the  sealin  and  sed : 
"  You  're  a  man  of  sin  !  "     He  then  walkt  out  of  the  room. 

Jest  then  the  female  in  the  meal-bag  stuck  her  hed  into  the 
room  and  statid  that  refreshments  awaited  the  weary  travler, 
and  I  sed  if  it  was  vittles  she  ment  the  weary  travler 
was  agreeable,  and  I  follered  her  into  the  next  room. 


40  THE  SHAKERS. 

I  sot  down  to  the  table  and  the  female  in  the  meal-bag 
pored  oit  sum  tea.  She  sed  nothin,  and  for  rive  minutes  the 
only  live  thing  in  that  room  was  a  old  wooden  clock,  which 
tickt  in  a  subdood  and  bashful  manner  in  the  corner.  This 
dethly  stillness  made  me  oneasy,  and  I  determined  to  talk  to 
the  female  or  bust.  So  sez  I,  "  Marrige  is  agin  your  rules,  I 
bleeve,  marm  ?" 

"Yay." 

"  The  sexes  liv  strickly  apart,  I  spectT' 

"  Yay." 

"  It's  kinder  singler,"  sez  I,  puttin  on  my  most  sweetest 
look  and  speakin  in  a  winnin  voice,  ''that  so  fair  a  made  as 
thou  never  got  hitched  to  some  likely  feller."  [N.B. — She  was 
upards  of  40  and  homely  as  a  stump  fence,  but  I  thawt  I'd 
tickil  her.] 

"I  don't  like  men  !"  she  sed,  very  short. 

*'  Wall,  I  dunno,"  sez  I,  "  they  're  a  rayther  important  part 
of  the  populashun.  I  don't  scacely  see  how  we  could  git  along 
without  'em." 

"Us  poor  wimin  folks  would  git  along  a  grate  deal  better  if 
there  was  no  men  !  " 

"  You  '11  excoos  me,  marm,  but  I  don't  think  that  air  would 
work.     It  wouldn't  be  regler." 

"  I  'm  fraid  of  men  !"  she  sed. 

"That's  onnecessary,  marm.  You  ain't  in  no  danger. 
Don't  fret  yourself  on  that  pint." 

"  Here  we  're  shot  out  from  the  sinful  world.  Here  all  is 
peas.  Here  we  air  brothers  and  sisters.  We  don't  marry  and 
consekently  we  have  no  domestic  difficulties.  Husbans  don't 
abooze  their  wives — wives  don't  worrit  their  husbans.  There  *s 
no  children  here  to  worrit  us.  Nothin  to  worrit  us  here. 
No  wicked  matrimony  here.  Would  thow  like  to  be  a 
Shaker?" 

"No,"  sez  I,  "it  ain't  my  stile.** 

I  had  now  histed  in  as  big  a  load  of  pervishuns  as  I  could 


THE  SHAKERS.  41 

carry  comfortable,  and,  leanin  back  in  my  cheer,  commenst 
pickin  my  teeth  with  a  fork.  The  female  went  out,  leavin  me 
all  alone  with  the  clock.  I  hadn't  sot  thar  long  before  the 
Elder  poked  his  hed  in  at  the  door.  "  You're  a  man  of  sin  !" 
he  sed,  and  groaned  and  went  away. 

Direckly  thar  cum  in  two  young  Shakeresses,  as  putty  and 
slick  lookin  gals  as  I  ever  met.  It  is  troo  they  was  drest  in 
meal-bags  like  the  old  one  I'd  met  previsly,  and  their  shiny 
silky  har  was  hid  from  sight  by  long  white  caps,  sich  as  I 
spose  female  Josts  wear;  but  their  eyes  sparkled  like  diminds, 
their  cheeks  was  like  roses,  and  they  was  charming  enuff  to 
make  a  man  throw  stuns  at  his  granmother,  if  they  axed  him  to. 
They  commenst  clearin  away  the  dishes,  castin  shy  glances  at 
me  all  the  time.  I  got  excited.  I  forgot  Betsy  Jane  in  my 
rapter,  and  sez  I,  "  My  pretty  dears,  how  air  you  ?" 

"We  air  well,"  they  solumly  sed. 

"  Whar's  the  old  man  ]"  sed  I,  in  a  soft  voice. 

**  Of  whom  dost  thow  speak — Brother  Uriah  V* 

"  I  mean  the  gay  and  festiv  cuss  who  calls  me  a  man  of 
sin.     Shouldn't  wonder  if  his  name  was  Uriah." 

"  He  has  retired." 

"  Wall,  my  pretty  dears,"  sez  I,  "  let 's  hav  sum  fun.  Let's 
play  Puss  in  the  comer.     What  say  V 

"  Air  you  a  Shaker,  sir  ?"  they  axed. 

"  Wall,  my  pretty  dears,  I  haven't  arrayed  my  proud  form 
in  a  long  weskit  yit,  but  if  they  was  all  like  you  perhaps  I  'd 
jine  'em.     As  it  is,  I  'm  a  Shaker  pro-temporary." 

They  was  full  of  fun.  I  seed  that  at  fust,  only  they  was  a 
leetle  skeery.  I  tawt  'em  Puss  in  the  corner  and  sich  like 
plase,  and  we  had  a  nice  time,  keepin  quiet  of  course  so  the 
old  man  shouldn't  hear.  When  we  broke  up,  sez  I,  "My 
pretty  dears,  ear  I  go  you  hav  no  objections,  hav  you,  to  a 
innersent  kiss  at  partin  1 " 

"  Yay,"  thay  sed,  and  I  yay^d. 

I  went  up  stairs  to  bed.    I  spose  I  'd  bin  snoozin  half  a  hour 


4i  THE  SHAKERS. 

when  I  was  woke  up  by  a  noise  at  the  door.  I  sot  up  in  Led, 
Icanin  on  my  elbers  and  rubbin  my  eyes,  and  I  saw  the  folleiin 
picter :  The  Elder  stood  in  the  doorway,  with  a  taller  candle 
in  his  hand.  He  hadn't  no  wearin  appeerel  on  except  his 
night  close,  which  flutterd  in  the  breeze  like  a  Seseshun  flag. 
He  sed,  "You're  a  man  of  sin!"  then  groaned  and  went  away. 

I  went  to  sleep  agin,  and  drempt  of  runnin  orf  with  the 
pretty  little  Shakeresses,  mounted  on  my  Californy  Bar.*  I 
thawt  the  Bar  insisted  on  steerin  strate  for  my  dooryard  in 
Baldinsville,  and  that  Betsy  Jane  cum  out  and  giv  us  a  warm 
recepshun  with  a  panfull  of  Bilin  water.  I  was  woke  up  arly 
by  the  Elder.  He  sed  refreshments  was  reddy  for  me  down 
«tairs.     Then  sayin  I  was  a  man  of  sin,  he  went  groanin  away. 

As  I  was  goin  threw  the  entry  to  the  room  where  the  vittles 
was,  I  cum  across  the  Elder  and  the  old  female  I  'd  met  the 
night  before,  and  what  d'ye  spose  they  was  up  to  %  Huggin 
and  kissin  like  young  lovers  in  their  gushingist  state.  Sez  I, 
*'  My  Shaker  friends,  I  reckon  you  'd  better  suspend  the  rules, 
and  git  marrid !" 

"  You  must  excoos  Brother  Uriah,"  sed  the  female  ;  "  he 's 
subjeck  to  fits,  and  hain't  got  no  command  over  hisself  when 
he  's  into  'em." 

*'  Sartinly,"  sez  I ;  "  I've  bin  took  that  way  myself  frequent." 

**  You  're  a  man  of  sin  !"  sed  the  Elder. 

Arter  breakfust  my  little  Shaker  frends  cum  in  agin  to  clear 
away  the  dishes. 

*'  My  pretty  dears,"  sez  I,  "  shall  we  yay  agin  ?'* 

"  Nay,"  they  sed,  and  I  nay'd. 

The  Shakers  axed  me  to  go  to  their  meetin,  as  they  was  to 
hav  sarvices  that  mornin,  so  I  put  on  a  clean  biled  rag  and 
went.  The  meetin  house  was  as  neat  as  a  pin.  The  floor  was 
white  as  chalk  and  smooth  as  glass.  The  Shakers  was  all  on 
hand,  in  clean  weskits  and  meal-bags,  ranged  on  the  floor  like 
milingtery  companies,  the  mails  on  one  side  of  the  room  and 
*  The  South-Western  pronunciation  of  B&ar, 


THE  SHAKERS,  43 

tlie  females  on  tother.  They  comraenst  clappin  their  hands 
and  singin  and  dancin.  They  danced  kinder  slow  at  fust,  but 
as  they  got  warmed  up  they  shaved  it  down  very  brisk,  I  tell 
you.  Elder  Uriah,  in  particler,  exhiberted  a  right  smart 
chance  of  spryness  in  his  legs,  considerin  his  time  of  life,  and 
as  he  cum  a  dubble  shuffle  near  where  I  sot,  I  rewarded  him 
with  a  appro vin  smile,  and  sed  ;  "  Hunky  boy  !  Go  it,  my  gay 
and  festiv  cuss  ! " 

"  You  're  a  man  of  sin  ! "  he  sed,  continnerin  his  shuffle. 

The  Sperret,  as  they  called  it,  then  moved  a  short  fat  Shaker 
tp  say  a  few  remarks.  He  sed  they  was  Shakers  and  all  was 
ekal.  They  was  the  purest  and  seleckest  peple  on  the  yearth. 
Other  peple  was  sinful  as  they  could  be,  but  Shakers  was  all 
right.  Shakers  was  all  goin  kerslap  *  to  the  Promist  Land, 
and  nobody  want  goin  to  stand  at  the  gate  to  bar  'em  out,  ii 
they  did  they  'd  git  run  over. 

The  Shakers  then  danced  and  sang  agin,  and  arter  thay  was 
threw,  one  of  *em  axed  me  what  I  thawt  of  it. 

Sez  I,  "  AYhat  duz  it  siggerfy  ? " 

"What?"  sez  he. 

"Why  this  jumpin  up  and  singin?  This  long-weskit  biz- 
niss,  and  this  anty-matrimony  idee  ?  My  frends,  you  air  neat 
and  tidy.  Your  lands  is  flowin  with  milk  and  honey.  Your 
brooms  is  fine,  and  your  apple  sass  is  honest.  When  a  man 
buys  a  kag  of  apple  sass  of  you  he  don't  find  a  grate  many 
sliavins  under  a  few  layers  of  sass — a  little  Game  I'm  sorry  to 
say  sum  of  my  New  Englan  ancesters  used  to  practiss.  Your 
garding  seeds  is  fine,  and  if  I  should  sow  'em  on  the  rock  of 
Gibralter  probly  I  should  raise  a  good  mess  of  garding  sass. 
You  air  honest  in  your  dealins.  You  air  quiet  and  don't 
distarb  nobody.     For  all  this  I  givs  you  credit.     But  your 

*  A  variation  of  the  Americanisms  Keslosh,  Kesouse — i.e.,  the  noise  made 
by  a  body  falling  flat  into  the  water.  In  the  South  and  West  a  number  of 
fanciful  onomatopoetic  words  of  this  sort  are  used,  in  all  of  which  the  first 
syllable,  which  is  unaccented,  is  subject  to  the  same  variety  of  spelling. 


U  THE  SHAKERS. 

religion  is  small  pertaters,  I  must  say.  You  mope  away  yonr 
lives  here  in  single  retcMdness,  and  as  you  air  all  by  yourselves 
nothing  ever  con  flicks  with  your  pecooler  idees,  except  when 
Human  Nater  busts  out  among  you,  as  I  understan  she  sum- 
times  do.  [I  giv  Uriah  a  sly  wink  here,  which  made  the  old 
feller  squirm  like  a  speared  Eel.]  You  wear  long  weskits  and 
long  faces,  and  lead  a  gloomy  life  indeed.  No  children's  prattle 
is  ever  hearn  around  your  hearthstuns — you  air  in  a  dreary 
fog  all  the  time,  and  you  treat  the  jolly  sunshine  of  life  as 
tho'  it  was  a  thief,  drivin  it  from  your  doors  by  them  weskits, 
and  meal-bags,  and  pecooler  noshuns  of  yourn.  The  gals 
among  you,  sum  of  which  air  as  slick  pieces  of  caliker  as  I 
ever  sot  eyes  on,  air  syin  to  place  their  beds  agin  weskits 
which  kiver  honest,  manly  harts,  while  you  old  beds  fool  yer- 
selves  with  the  idee  that  they  air  fulfillin  their  mishun  here, 
and  air  contented.  Here  you  air,  all  pend  up  by  yerselves, 
talkin  about  the  sins  of  a  world  you  don't  know  nothin  of, 
Meanwhile  said  world  continners  to  resolve  round  on  her  own 
axletree  onct  in  every  24  hours,  subjeck  to  the  Constitution  of 
the  United  States,  and  is  a  very  plesant  place  of  residence. 
It 's  a  unnatral,  onreasonable  and  dismal  life  you  're  leadin 
here.  So  it  strikes  me.  My  Shaker  frends,  I  now  bid  you  a 
welcome  adoo.  You  hav  treated  me  exceedin  well.  Thank 
you  kindly,  one  and  all. 

*'  A  base  exhibiter  of  depraved  monkeys  and  onprincipled 
wax  works  !"  sed  Uriah. 

"  Hello,  Uriah,"  sez  I,  "  I  'd  most  forgot  you.  Wall,  look 
out  for  them  fits  of  yourn,  and  don't  catch  cold  and  die  in  the 
flour  of  your  youth  and  beauty." 

And  I  resoomed  my  jerney. 


CELEBRA  TION  A  T  BALD  INS  VILLE.  45 

HIGH-HANDED  OUTRAGE  AT  UTICA. 

In  the  Faul  of  1856,  I  showed  my  show  in  Utiky,  a  trooly 
grate  sitty  in  the  State  of  New  York. 

The  people  gave  me  a  cordual  recepshun.  The  press  was 
loud  in  her  prases. 

1  day  as  I  was  givin  a  descripshun  of  my  Beests  and  Snaiks 
in  my  usual  flowry  stile  what  was  my  skorn  &  disgust  to  see 
a  big  burly  feller  walk  up  to  the  cage  containin  my  wax  figgers 
of  the  Lord's  Last  Supper,  and  cease  Judas  Iscarrot  by  the 
feet  and  drag  him  out  on  the  ground.  He  then  commenced 
fur  to  pound  him  as  hard  as  he  cood. 

"  What  under  the  son  are  you  abowt  ?  "  cried  I. 

Sez  he,  "  What  did  you  bring  this  pussylanermus  cuss  here 
fur  1 "  &  he  hit  the  wax  figger  another  tremenjis  blow  on  the 
hed. 

Sez  I,  "  You  egrejus  ass,  that  air  's  a  wax  figger — a  repre- 
sentashun  of  the  false  'Postle." 

Sez  he,  '*  That's  all  very  well  fur  you  to  say  ;  but  I  tell  you, 
old  man,  that  Judas  Iscarrot  can't  show  hisself  in  Utiky  with 
impunerty  by  a  darn  site  !  "  with  which  observashun  he  kaved 
in  Judassis  hed.  The  young  man  belonged  to  1  of  the  first 
famerlies  in  Utiky.  I  sood  him,  and  the  Joory  brawt  in  a 
verdick  of  Arson  in  the  3d  degree. 


CELEBRATION  AT  BALDINSVILLE  IN  HONOR  OF 
THE  ATLANTIC  CABLE. 

BALDINSVILLE,  Injianny,  Sep  the  onct,  18&59. — I  was  sum- 
mund  home  from  Cinsinnaty  quite  suddin  by  a  lettur  from  the 
Supervizers  of  Baldinsville,  say  in  as  how  grate  things  was  on 
the  Tappis  in  that  air  town  in  refferunse  to  sellebratin  the 
compleshun  of  the  Sub-Mershine  Tellergraph  and  axkin  me  to 
be  Pressunt.     Lockin  ud  mv  Kaneeroo  and  wax  wurks  in  .1 


46  CELEBRA  TION  A  T  BALDINS  VILLE. 

sekure  stile,  I  took  my  departer  for  Baldinsville — *'  my  own, 
my  nativ  Ian,"  which  I  gut  intwo  at  early  kandle  litin  on  the 
follerin  night  &  just  as  the  sellerbrashun  and  illumernashun 
ware  commensin. 

Baldinsville  was  trooly  in  a  blaze  of  glory.  Near  can  I  for- 
git  the  surblime  speckticul  which  met  my  gase  as  I  alited  from 
the  Staige  with  my  umbrcller  and  verlise.*  The  Tarvern  was  lit 
up  with  taller  handles  all  over,  &  a  grate  bon  fire  was  burnin 
in  frunt  thareof.  A  Transpirancy  was  tied  onto  the  sine  post 
with  the  follerin  wurds — "  Give  us  Liberty  or  Deth/'  Old 
Tompkinsis  grosery  f  was  illumernated  witli  5  tin  lantuns  and 
the  follerin  Transpirancy  was  in  the  winder — "  The  Sub- 
Mershine  Tellergraph  &  the  Baldinsville  and  Stonefield  Plank 
Eoad — the  2  grate  eventz  of  the  19th  centerry — may  intestines 
strife  never  mar  their  grandjure."  Simpkinsis  shoe  shop  was 
all  ablase  with  handles  and  lantuns.  A  American  Eagle  was 
painted  onto  a  flag  in  a  winder — also  these  wurds,  viz — "  The 
Constitooshun  must  be  Presarved."  The  Skool  house  was 
lited  up  in  grate  stile  and  the  winders  was  filld  with  mottoes, 
anmng  which  I  notised  the  follerin — "  Trooth  smashed  to  erth 
shall  rize  agin— you  can't  stop  her."  **  The  Boy  stood  on 
the  Burnin  Deck  whense  awl  but  him  had  Fled."  "  Prokras* 
tinashun  is  the  tlieaf  of  Time."  "  Be  virtoous  &  you  will  be 
Happy."  "  Intemperunse  has  cawsed  a  heap  of  trubble — shun 
the  Bole,"  an  the  follerin  sentimunt  written  by  the  skool 
master,  who  graduated  at  Hudson  Kollige.  "  Baldinsville 
sends  greetin  to  Her  Magisty  the  Queen,  &  hopes  all  hard 
feelins  which  has  heretofore  previs  bin  felt  between  the  Super- 
vizers  of  Baldins^dlle  and  the  British  Parlimunt,  if  such  there 
has  been,  may  now  be  forever  wiped  frum  our  Escutchuns. 
Baldinsville  this  night  rejoises  over  the  gerlorious  event  which 
sementz  2  grate  nashuns  onto  one  anuther  by  means  of  a 

*  Valise,  the  small  handy  portmanteau  so  common  with  travellers  in  the 
United  States. 

t  Groggery,  or  bar  for  the  sale  of  liquors. 


CELEBRA  TION  A  T  BALDINSVILLE,  47 

elccktric  wire  under  the  roarin  billers  of  the  Nasty  Deep. 

QUOSQUE  TANTRUM,  A  BUTTER,  CaTERLINY,  PATENT  NOSTRUM!" 

Squire  Smith's  house  was  lited  up  regardlis  of  expense.  His 
little  sun  William  Henry  stood  upon  the  roof  firin  orf  crackers. 
The  old  'Squire  hisself  was  dressed  up  in  soljer  clothes  and 
stood  on  his  door-step,  pintin  his  sword  sollumly  to  a  American 
flag  which  was  suspendid  on  top  of  a  pole  in  frunt  of  his  house. 
Frequiently  he  wood  take  orf  his  cocked  hat  «fe  wave  it  round 
in  a  impressive  stile.  His  oldest  darter  Mis  Isabeller  Smith, 
who  has  just  cum  home  from  the  Perkinsville  Female  Inster- 
toot,  appeared  at  the  frunt  winder  in  the  West  room  as  the  god- 
dis  of  liberty,  &  sung  "I  see  them  on  their  windin  way." 
Booteus  1,  sed  I  to  myself,  you  air  a  angil  &  nothin  shorter. 
N.  Boneparte  Smith,  the  'Squire's  oldest  sun,  drest  hisself  up 
as  Yenus  the  God  of  Wars  and  red  the  Decleration  of  Inder- 
pendunse  from  the  left  chambir  winder.  The  'Squire's  wifo 
didn't  jine  in  the  festiverties.  She  sed  it  was  the  tarnulest 
nonsense  she  ever  seed.  Sez  she  to  the  'Squire,  "  Cum  into 
the  house  and  go  to  bed  you  old  fool,  you.  Tomorrer  you  '11 
be  goin  round  half-ded  with  the  rumertism  &  won't  gin  us  a 
minit's  peace  till  you  get  well."  Sez  the  'Squire,  "  Betsy,  you 
little  appresiate  the  importance  of  the  event  which  I  this  night 
commemerate."  Sez  she,  *'  Commemerate  a  cat's  tail — cum 
into  the  house  this  instant,  you  pesky  old  critter."  "  Betsy," 
sez  the  'Squire,  wavin  his  sword,  "  retire."  This  made  her 
just  as  mad  as  she  could  stick.  She  retired,  but  cum  out 
agin  putty  quick  with  a  panfull  of  Bilin  hot  water  which  she 
throwed  all  over  the  'Squire,  &  Surs,  you  wood  have  split  your 
sides  larfin  to  see  the  old  man  jump  up  and  holler  &  run  into 
the  house.  Except  this  unpropishus  circumstance  all  went  as 
merry  as  a  carriage  bell,  as  Lord  Byrun  sez.  Doctor  Hutch- 
insis  offiss  was  likewise  lited  up  and  a  Transpirancy  on  which 
was  painted  the  Queen  in  the  act  of  drinkin  sum  of  "  Hutch- 
insis  invigorater,"  was  stuck  into  one  of  the  winders.  The 
Baldinsville  Bugle  of  Liberty  noospaper  offiss  was  also  illu- 


48  AMONG  THE  SPIRITS, 

mernated,  and  the  follerin  mottoes  stuck  out — "  The  Press  is 
the  Arkermejian  leaver  which  moves  the  world."  "  Vote 
Early."  "  Buckle  on  your  Armer."  "  Now  is  the  time  to  sub- 
scribe." "  Franklin,  Morse  &  Field."  "  Terms  1  dol.  50  cents 
a  year — liberal  reducshuns  to  clubs."  In  short  the  villige  of 
Baldinsville  was  in  a  perfect  fewroar.  I  never  seed  so  many 
peple  thar  befour  in  my  born  days.  He  not  attemp  to  describe 
the  seens  of  that  grate  night.  Wurds  wood  fale  me  ef  I  shood 
try  to  do  it.  I  shall  stop  here  a  few  periods  and  enjoy  my 
*'  Oatem  cum  dig  the  tates,"  as  our  skool  master  obsarves,  in 
the  buzzum  of  my  famerly,  &  shall  then  resume  the  show 
bizniss,  which  Ive  bin  into  twenty-two  (22)  yeres  and  six  (6) 
months. 


AMONG  THE  SPIRITS. 

My  naburs  is  mourn  harf  crazy  on  the  new  fangled  idear 
about  Sperrets.  Sperretooul  Sircles  is  held  nitely  &  4  or  5 
long  hared  fellers  has  settled  here  and  gone  mto  the  sperret 
bizniss  excloosively.  A  atemt  was  made  to  git  Mrs  A.  Ward 
to  embark  into  the  Sperret  bizniss,  but  the  atemt  faled.  1  of 
the  long  hared  fellers  told  her  she  was  a  ethereal  creeter  & 
wood  make  a  sweet  mejium,  whareupon  she  attact  him  with  a 
mop  handle  &  drove  him  out  of  the  house.  I  will  hear  ob- 
sarve  that  Mrs  "Ward  is  a  invalerble  womun — the  partner  of 
my  goys  &  the  shairer  of  my  sorrers.  In  my  absunse  she 
watchis  my  interests  &  things  with  a  Eagle  Eye,  &  when  1 
return  she  welcums  me  in  afectionate  stile.  Trooly  it  is  with 
us  as  it  was  with  Mr  &  Mrs  Ingomer  in  the  Play,  to  whit — 

2  soles  with  but  a  single  thawt 

2  harts  which  beet  as  1. 

My  naburs  injooced  me  to  attend  a  Sperretooul  Sircle  at 
Squire  Smith's.  When  I  arrove  I  found  the  east  room  chock 
full  includin  all  the  old  maids  in  the  villige  &  the  long  hared 


AMONG  THE  SPIRITS,  49 

follers  a4sed.  When  I  went  in  I  was  salootid  mth  "  Heai 
cums  the  benited  man" — "  Hear  cums  the  liory-heded  unbe- 
leever" — *'  Hear  cums  the  skoflfer  at  trooth,"  etsettery,  etsettery. 

Sez  I,  "  My  frens,  it 's  troo  I  'm  hear,  &  now  bring  on  youj' 
Sperrets." 

1  of  the  long  hared  fellers  riz  up  and  sed  he  would  state  a 
few  remarks.  He  sed  man  was  a  critter  of  intelleck,  <k  was 
movin  on  to  a  Gole.  Sum  men  had  bigger  intellecks  than 
other  men  had,  and  thay  wood  git  to  the  Gole  the  soonerest. 
Sum  men  was  beests  &  wood  never  git  into  the  Gole  at  all. 
He  sed  the  Erth  was  materiel  but  man  was  immateriel,  and 
hens  man  was  different  from  the  Erth.  The  Erth,  continnered 
the  speaker,  resolves  round  on  its  own  axeltree  onct  in  24 
hours,  but  as  man  haint  gut  no  axeltree  he  cant  resolve.  He 
sed  the  ethereal  essunce  of  the  koordinate  branchis  of  super- 
human natur  becum  mettymorfussed  as  man  progrest  in 
harmonial  coexistunce  &  eventooally  anty  humanized  their- 
Belves  &  turned  into  reglar  sperretuellers.  [This  was  ver- 
sifferusly  applauded  by  the  cumpany,  and  as  I  make  it  a  pint 
to  get  along  as  pleasant  as  possible,  I  sung  out  "  Bully  *  for 
you,  old  boy."] 

The  cumpany  then  drew  round  the  table  and  the  Sircle 
kommenst  to  go  it.  Thay  axed  me  if  thare  was  anbody  in 
the  Sperret  land  which  I  wood  like  to  convarse  with.  I  sed 
if  Bill  Tompkins,  who  was  onct  my  partner  in  the  show  biz- 
niss,  was  sober,  I  should  like  to  convarse  with  him  a  few 
periods. 

"  Is  the  Sperret  of  William  Tompkins  present  ?  "  sed  1  of 
the  long  hared  chaps,  and  there  was  three  knox  on  the  table. 

Sez  I,  "  William,  how  goze  it,  Old  Sweetness  ?  '* 

"  Pretty  ruff,  old  boss,"  he  replide. 

That  was  a  pleasant  way  we  had  of  addressin  each  other 
when  he  was  in  the  flesh. 

*  Fine,  capital.  American  vulgarism,  used  in  much  the  same  sense  ar 
our  slang  expression  crack — as,  "  a  hvUy  horse,"  "  a  huUy  picture.*' 


50  AMONG  THE  SPIRITS. 

"  Air  you  in  the  show  bizniss,  William  ? "  sed  I. 

He  sed  he  was.  He  sed  he  k  John  Bunyan  was  travelin 
with  a  side  show  in  connection  with  Shakspere,  Jonson  k 
Co.'s  Circus.  He  sed  old  Bun  (meanin  Mr  Bunyan)  stired  up 
the  animils  <fe  ground  the  organ  while  he  tended  door.  Occa- 
shunally  Mr  Bunyan  sung  a  comic  song.  The  Circus  was  doin 
middiin  well.  Bill  Shakspeer  had  made  a  grate  hit  with  old 
Bob  Eidley,  and  Ben  Jonson  was  delitin  the  peple  with  his 
trooly  grate  ax  of  hossmanship  without  saddul  or  bridal.  Thay 
was  rehersin  Dixey's  Land  &  expected  it  would  knock  the  peple. 

Sez  I,  *'  William,  my  luvly  frend,  can  you  pay  me  that  13 
dollars  you  owe  mc  T  He  sed  No  with  one  of  the  most  tre- 
menjis  knox  I  ever  experiunsed. 

The  Sircle  sed  he  had  gone.  "  Air  you  gone,  William  ?  " 
I  axed.  "  Rayther,"  he  replide,  and  I  knowd  it  was  no  use  to 
pursoo  the  subjeck  furder. 

I  then  called  fur  my  farther. 

"  How 's  things,  daddy  ?  " 

*'  Middiin,  my  son,  middiin." 

**  Ain't  you  proud  of  your  orfum  boy  ? " 

*'  Scacely." 

"  Why  not,  my  parient  % " 

"  Becawz  you  hav  gone  to  writin  for  the  noospapers,  my 
son.  Bimeby  you  '11  lose  all  your  character  for  trooth  and 
verrasserty.  When  I  helpt  you  into  the  show  bizniss  I  told 
you  to  dignerfy  that  there  profeshun.     Litteratoor  is  low." 

He  also  statid  that  he  was  doin  middiin  well  in  the  peanut 
bizniss  k  liked  it  putty  well,  tho*  the  climit  was  rather  warm. 

When  the  Sircle  stopt  thay  axed  me  what  I  thawt  of  it. 

Sez  I,  "  My  frends  I've  bin  into  the  show  bizniss  now  goin 
on  23  years.  Theres  a  artikil  in  the  Constitooshun  of  the 
United  States  which  sez  in  efifeck  that  everybody  may  think 
just  as  he  darn  pleazes,  and  them  is  my  sentiments  to  a  hare. 
You  dowtlis  beleeve  this  Sperret  doctrin  while  I  think  it  is  a 
little  mixt.     Just  so  soon  as  a  man  becums  a  reglar  out  <fe  out 


ON  THE  WING.  51 

Spcrret  rapper  heleeves  orf  workin,  lets  his  hare  grow  all  over 
liis  fase  &  commensis  spungin  his  livin  out  of  other  peple. 
He  eats  all  the  dickshunaries  he  can  find  &  goze  round  chock 
full  of  big  words,  scarein  the  wimmin  folks  &  little  children 
and  destroyin  the  piece  of  mind  of  evry  famerlee  he  enters. 
He  don't  do  nobody  no  good  &  is  a  cuss  to  society  k  a  pirit  on 
honest  peple's  com  beef  barrils.  Admittin  all  you  say  abowt 
the  doctrin  to  be  troo,  I  must  say  the  reglar  perfessional 
Sperrit  rappers — them  as  makes  a  bizniss  on  it — air  abowt 
the  most  ornery  set  of  cusses  I  ever  enkountered  in  my  life. 
So  sa3dn  I  put  on  my  surtoot  and  went  home. — Respectably 
Yures, 

Artemus  Ward. 


ON    THE   WING 


Gents  of  the  Editoral  Corpse  ; — 

Since  I  last  rit  you  I've  met  with  immense  success  a  showin 
my  show  in  varis  places,  particly  at  Detroit.  I  put  up  at  Mr 
RussePs  tavern,  a  very  good  tavern  too,  but  I  am  sorry  to  in- 
form you  that  the  clerks  tried  to  cum  a  Gouge  Game  on  me. 
I  brandished  my  new  sixteen  dollar  huntin-cased  watch  round 
considerable,  &  as  I  was  drest  in  my  store  clothes*  &  had  a 
lot  of  sweet-scented  wagon- grease  on  my  hair,  I  am  free  to 
confess  that  I  thought  I  lookt  putty  gay.  It  never  once 
struck  me  that  I  lookt  green.  But  up  steps  a  clerk  <fe  axes 
me  hadn't  I  better  put  my  watch  in  the  Safe.  "  Sir,"  sez  I, 
"  that  watch  cost  sixteen  dollars !     Yes,  Sir,  every  dollar  of 

•  Ready-made  and  fashionable,  purchased  at  a  "store,"  the  general 
name  given  to  all  shops,  where  a  variety  of  goods  are  sold,  in  the  United 
States.  In  the  small  towns  a  "store"  sells  all  manner  of  article*,  from 
grindstones  to  ribbons,  and  barrels  of  flour  to  satin  waistcoats  and  French 
hats. 


53  ON  THE  WING, 

it !  You  can*t  cum  it  over  me,  my  boy  !  Not  at  all,  Sir."  1 
know'd  what  the  clerk  wanted.  He  wanted  that  watch  him- 
self. He  wanted  to  make  believe  as  tho  he  lockt  it  up  in  the 
safe,  then  he  would  set  the  house  a  fire  and  pretend  as  tho  the 
watch  was  destroyed  with  the  other  property !  But  he  caught 
a  Tomarter  *  when  he  got  hold  of  me.  From  Detroit  I  go 
West^'ard  hoe.  On  the  cars  was  a  he-lookin  female,  with  a 
green-cotton  umbreller  in  one  hand  and  a  handful  of  Eeform 
tracks  the  other.  She  sed  every  woman  should  have  a 
Spear.  Them  as  didn't  demand  their  Spears,  didn't  know 
what  was  good  for  them.  "  What  is  my  Spear  ?"  she  axed, 
addressin  the  peple  in  the  cars.  "  Is  it  to  stay  at  home  &  darn 
stockins,  k  be  the  ser-lave  of  a  domineerin  man  ?  Or  is  it  my 
Spear  to  vote  &  speak  &  show  myself  the  ekal  of  man  ?  la 
there  a  sister  in  these  keers  that  has  her  proper  Spear  1 " 
Sayin  which  the  eccentric  female  whirled  her  umbreller  round 
Beveral  times,  &  finally  jabbed  me  in  the  weskit  with  it. 

"  I  hav  no  objecshuns  to  your  goin  into  the  Spear  bizniss," 
Bez  I,  "but  you '11  please  remember  I  ain't  a  pickeril.  Don't 
Spear  me  agin,  if  you  please."     She  sot  down. 

At  Ann  Arbor,  bein  seized  with  a  sudden  faintness,  I  called 
for  a  drop  of  suthin  to  drink.  As  I  was  stirrin  the  beverage 
up,  a  pale-faced  man  in  gold  spectacles  laid  his  hand  upon  my 
bhoulder,  and  sed,  *•  Look  not  upon  the  wine  when  it  is  red !  '* 

Sez  I,  "  This  ain't  wine.     This  is  Old  Eye." 

*^Tt  stingeth  like  a  Adder  and  biteth  like  a  Sarj)entf"  sed  the  man. 

"  I  guess  not,"  sed  I,  "  when  you  put  sugar  into  it.  That's 
the  way  I  allers  take  mine." 

"  Have  you  sons  grown  up.  Sir  1 "  the  man  axed. 

"  Wall,"  I  replide,  as  I  put  myself  outside  my  beverage, 
**  my  son  Artemus  junior  is  goin  on  18." 

*  Tomato,  a  common  table  delicacy  in  the  United  States,  partaken  of 
at  almost  every  meal.  Mr  "Ward's  mind  appears  to  have  been  undecided 
betwixt  "Tartar"  and  "  tomato,"  but  finally  decided  that  the  latter  waa 
the  correct  figure  of  speech. 


ON  THE  WING,  JJ 

"  Ain't  you  afraid  if  you  set  this  example  b4  him  he  '11  come 
to  a  bad  end?" 

*'  He 's  cum  to  a  waxed  end  already.  He 's  leamin  the  shoe 
makin  bizniss,"  I  replide.  "  I  guess  we  can  both  of  us  git 
along  without  your  assistance,  Sir,"  I  obsarved,  as  he  was 
about  to  open  his  mouth  agin. 

**  This  is  a  cold  world  !"  sed  the  man. 

"  That 's  so.  But  you  '11  get  into  a  warmer  one  by  and  by  if 
you  don't  mind  your  own  bizniss  better."  I  was  a  little  riled 
at  the  feller,  because  I  never  take  any  thin  only  when  I  'm  on, 
well.  I  arterwards  learned  he  was  a  temperance  lecturer,  and 
if  he  can  injuce  men  to  stop  settin  their  inards  on  fire  with  the 
frightful  licker  which  is  retailed  round  the  country,  I  shall 
hartily  rejoice.  Better  give  men  Prusick  Assid  to  onct,  chan 
to  pizen  'em  to  deth  by  degrees. 

At  Albion  I  met  with  overwhelmin  success.  The  celebrated 
Albion  Female  Semenary  is  located  here,  &  there  air  over  300 
young  ladies  in  the  Institushun,  pretty  enough  to  eat  without 
seasonin  or  sass.  The  young  ladies  was  very  kind  to  me, 
volunteerin  to  pin  my  hanbills  onto  the  backs  of  their  dresses. 
It  was  a  surblime  site  to  see  over  300  young  ladies  goin  round 
with  a  advertisement  of  A.  Ward's  onparaleld  show,  con- 
spickusly  posted  onto  their  dresses. 

They  've  got  a  Panick  up  this  way  and  refooze  to  take 
Western  money.  It  never  was  worth  much,  and  when  western 
men,  who  know  what  it  is,  refooze  to  take  their  own  money,  it 
is  about  time  other  folks  stopt  handlin  it.  Banks  are  bustin 
every  day,  goin  up  higher  nor  any  balloon  of  which  we  hav 
any  record.  These  western  bankers  air  a  sweet  &  luvly  set  of 
men.  I  wish  I  owned  as  good  a  house  as  some  of  'em  would 
break  into ! 

Virtoo  is  its  own  reward. 

A.  Ward. 


54  THE  OCTOROON. 

THE   OCTOROON. 

It  is  with  no  ordernary  feelins  of  Shagrin  &  indignasliun  that 
I  rite  you  these  here  lines.  Sum  of  the  hiest  and  most  purest 
feeHns  whitch  actooate  the  humin  hart  has  bin  trampt  onto. 
The  Amerycan  flag  has  bin  outrajed.  Ive  bin  nussin  a  Adder 
in  my  Boozum.     The  fax  in  the  kase  is  these  here : 

A  few  weeks  ago  I  left  Baldinsville  to  go  to  N.  Y.  fur  to 
git  out  my  flamin  yeller  hanbills  fur  the  Summer  kampane,  & 
as  I  was  peroosin  a  noospaper  on  the  kars  a  middel  aged  man 
in  speckterkuls  kum  &  sot  down  beside  onto  me.  He  was 
drest  in  black  close  &  was  appeerently  as  fine  a  man  as  ever 
was. 

**  A  fine  day,  Sir,"  he  did  unto  me  strateway  say. 

*'Middlin,"  sez  I,  not  wishin  to  kommit  myself,  tho  he 
peered  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  there  was  in  the  wurld — "  It  is 
a  middlin  fine  day,  Square,"*  I  obsarved. 

Sez  he,  "  How  fares  the  Ship  of  State  in  yure  regine  of 
country?" 

Sez  I,  "  We  don't  hav  no  ships  in  our  State — the  kanawl  is 
our  best  holt." 

He  pawsed  a  minit  and  then  sed,  "  Air  yu  aware,  Sir,  that 
fche  krisis  is  with  us  ?" 

"  No,"  sez  I,  getting  up  and  looking  under  the  seet,  "  whare 
is  she]" 

**  It 's  hear — it 's  everywhares,"  he  sed. 

Sez  I,  "  Why  how  you  tawk !"  and  I  gut  up  agin  <k  lookt 
all  round.  "  I  must  say,  my  fren,"  I  continnered,  as  I  resoomed 
my  seet,  "  that  I  kan't  see  nothin  of  no  krisis  myself."  I  felt 
sumwhat  alarmed,  &  arose  <fe  in  a  stentowrian  voice  obsarved 
that  if  any  lady  or  gentleman  in  that  there  kar  had  a  krisis 

*  Squire,  in  New  England  phraseology,  a  magistrate,  or  justice  of  the 
peace ;  but  throughout  the  States  a  very  general  complimentary  title, 
varied  occasionally  by  major,  colonel,  general,  4;c. 


THE  OCTOROON,  5J 

consealed  abowt  their  persons  they'd  better  projuce  it  to  onct 
or  suffer  the  konsequences.  Several  individoouls  snickered 
rite  out,  while  a  putty  little  damsell  rite  behind  me  in  a  pine 
gown  made  the  observashun,  "  He,  he." 

"Sit  down,  my  fren,"  sed  the  man  in  black  close;  "  yu  mis 
komprehend  me.  I  meen  that  the  periittercal  ellermunts  are 
orecast  with  black  klouds,  4boden  a  friteful  storm." 

"Wall,"  replide  I,  "in  regard  to  periittercal  ellerfunts  Idon'l 
know  as  how  but  what  they  is  as  good  as  enny  other  kind  oi 
ellerfunts.  But  I  maik  bold  to  say  thay  is  all  a  ornery  set  <fe 
unpleasant  to  hav  round.  They  air  powerful  hevy  eaters  & 
take  up  a  right  smart  chans  of  room,  &  besides  thay  air  as 
ugly  and  revenjeful  as  a  Cusscaroarus  Injun,  with  13  inches  of 
corn  whisky  in  his  stummick."  The  man  in  black  close 
seemed  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  ever  was  in  the  wurld.  He 
smilt  &  sed  praps  I  was  rite,  tho  it  was  ellermunts  instid  of 
ellerfunts  that  he  was  alludin  to,  &  axed  me  what  was  my 
prinserpuls  % 

"  I  haint  gut  enny,"  sed  I — "  not  a  prinserpul.  Ime  in  the 
show  bizniss."  The  man  in  black  close,  I  will  hear  obsarve, 
seemed  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  ever  was  in  the  wurld. 

"  But,"  sez  he,  "  you  hav  feelins  into  you  ?  You  simpathize 
with  the  misfortunit,  the  loly  &  the  hartsick,  don't  youl" 
He  bust  into  teers,  and  axed  me  ef  I  saw  that  yung  lady  in 
the  seet  out  yender,  pintin  to  as  slick  a  lookin  gal  as  I  ever 
seed. 

Sed  I,  "2  be  shure  I  see  her — is  she  mutch  sick?"  The 
man  in  black  close  was  appeerently  as  fine  a  man  as  ever  was 
in  the  wurld  enny  whares. 

Draw  closter  to  me,"  sed  the  man  in  black  close.  "  Let 
git  my  mowth  fernenst  yure  ear.  Hush — shese  a  Octo- 
roon!" 

"No  !"  sez  I,  gittin  up  in  a  exsited  manner,  "  yu  don't  say 
so !     How  long  has  she  bin  in  that  way  ?" 

"  Frum  her  arliest  infuncy,"  sed  he. 


56  THE  OCTOROON. 

"  Wall,  whot  upon  arth  duz  she  doo  it  fur  ?"  I  inquired. 

"  She  kan't  help  it,"  sed  the  man  in  black  close.  "  It 's  the 
brand  of  Kane." 

"Wall,  she'd  better  stop  drinkin  Kane's  brandy,"  I  replide. 

"  I  sed  the  brand  of  Kane  was  upon  her — not  brandy,  my 
fren.     Yure  very  obtoose." 

I  was  konsiderbul  riled  at  this.  Sez  I,  "  My  gentle  Sir, 
Ime  a  nonresistanter  as  a  ginral  thing,  &  don't  want  to  git  up 
no  rows  with  nobuddy,  but  I  kin  nevertheless  kave*  in  enny 
man's  hed  that  calls  me  a  obtoos,"  with  whitch  remarks  I 
kommenst  fur  to  pull  orf  my  extry  garmints.  *'  Cum  on,"  sez 
I — "Time!  hear's  the  Beniki  Boy  fur  ye  ! "  &  I  darnced  round 
like  a  poppit.  He  riz  up  in  his  seet  k  axed  my  pardin — sed 
it  was  all  a  mistake — that  I  was  a  good  man,  etsettery,  &  sow 
4th,  &  we  fixt  it  all  up  pleasant.  I  must  say  the  man  in  black 
close  seamed  to  be  as  fine  a  man  as  ever  lived  in  the  wurld. 
He  sed  a  Octoroon  was  the  8th  of  a  negro w.  He  likewise 
statid  that  the  female  he  was  travelin  with  was  formurly  a 
slave  in  Mississippy ;  that  she  'd  purchist  her  freedim  &  now 
wantid  to  purchiss  the  freedim  of  her  poor  old  muther,  who 
(the  man  in  black  close  obsarved)  was  between  87  years  of 
age,  &  had  to  do  all  the  cookin  &  washin  for  25  hired 
men,  whitch  it  was  rapidly  breakin  down  her  konstitushun. 
He  sed  he  knowed  the  minit  he  gazed  onto  my  klassic  & 
beneverlunt  fase  that  I  'd  donate  librully  &  axed  me  to  go  over 
&  see  her,  which  I  accordinly  did.  I  sot  down  beside  her  and 
sed  "Yure  Sarvant,  Marm  !    How  do  yer  git  along?" 

She  bust  in  2  teers  &  said,  "  0  Sur,  I'm  so  retchid — I  'm  a 
poor  unfortunit  Octoroon." 

*  A  curious  American  expression.  "  Out  West,"  in  the  lead  diggingg, 
after  a  shaft  has  been  sunk,  the  earth  around  the  sides  falls,  or  cava  in, 
after  a  short  time,  unless  the  sides  are  properly  boarded.  In  this  way 
Western  people  speak  of  a  man's  fortune  caving  in,  through  neglect  or 
misfortune.  In  time  the  expression  became  employed  in  other  senses, 
luch  as  to  smash  in,  or  flatten,  the  meaning  Mr  Ward  wishes  to  convey. 


THE  OCTOROON.  57 

"  So  I  Lara.  Yure  rather  more  Eoon  than  Octo,  I  take  it," 
said  I,  fur  I  never  seed  a  puttier  gal  in  the  hull  endoorin  time 
of  my  life.  She  had  on  a  More  Antic  Barsk  &  a  Poplin  Nubier 
with  Berage  trimmins  onto  it,  while  her  Ise  &  kurls  was  enuff 
to  make  a  man  jump  into  a  mill  pond  without  biddin  his  rela- 
shuns  good  by.  I  pittid  the  Octoroon  from  the  inmost  recusses 
of  my  hart  &  hawled  out  50  dollars  kerslap,  <fe  told  her  to  buy 
her  old  muther  as  soon  as  posserbul.  Sez  she  "Kine  sir, 
mutch  thanks."  She  then  lade  her  hed  over  onto  my  showl- 
der  &  sed  I  was  "  old  rats."  I  was  astonished  to  heer  this 
obsarvation,  which  I  knowd  was  never  used  in  refined  society, 
&  I  perlitely  but  emfattercly  shovd  her  hed  away. 

Sez  I,  "  Mann,  I  'm  trooly  sirprized." 

Sez  she,  "  Git  out.  Yure  the  nicist  old  man  I  've  seen  yit. 
Give  us  anuther  50  ! "  Had  a  seleck  assortment  of  the  most 
tremenjious  thunderbolts  descended  down  onto  me  I  couldn't 
hav  bin  more  takin  aback.  I  jumpt  up,  but  she  ceased  my 
coat  tales,  &  in  a  wild  voise  cride,  *^  No,  He  never  desart  you 
— let  us  fli  together  to  a  furrin  shoor  !" 

Sez  I,  "  Not  mutch  we  won't,"  and  I  made  a  powerful  effort 
to  get  awa  from  her.  "  This  is  plade  out,"  I  sed,  whereupon 
she  jerkt  me  back  into  the  seet.  "  Leggo  my  coat,  you  scan- 
daluss  female,"  I  roared,  when  she  set  up  the  most  unarthly 
yellin  and  hollerin  you  ever  heerd.  The  passinjers  &  the  gen- 
tlemunly  konducter  rusht  to  the  spot,  &  I  don't  think  I  ever 
experiunsed  sich  a  rumpus  in  the  hull  coarse  oimy  natral 
dase.  The  man  in  black  close  rusht  up  to  me  &  sed,  "  How 
dair  yu  insult  my  neece,  you  horey  heded  vagabone?  You 
base  exhibbiter  of  low  wax  figgers  —  yu  woolf  in  sheep's 
close,"  &  sow  4:th. 

I  was  konfoozed.  I  was  a  loonytick  fur  the  time  bein,  and 
offered  5  dollars  reward  to  enny  gentleman  of  good  morrul 
carracter,  who  wood  tell  me  whot  my  name  was  <fe  what  town 
I  livd  into.  The  konducter  kum  to  me  &  sed  the  insultid 
[iarties  wood  settle  for  50  dollars,  which  I  immejitly  hawled 


53  EXPERIENCE  AS  AN  EDITOR, 

out,  &  agane  implored  sumbuddy  to  state  whare  I  was  prinsi- 
puUy,  <k  if  I  shood  be  thare  a  grate  while  myself  ef  things  went 
on  as  they'd  bin  goin  fur  sum  time  back.  I  then  axed  if  there 
was  enny  more  Octoroons  present,  "  becawz,"  sez  I,  *'  ef  there 
is,  let  um  cum  along,  fur  Ime  in  the  Octoroon  bizniss."  I 
then  threw  my  specter culs  out  of  the  winder,  smasht  my  hat 
wildly  down  over  my  Ise,  larfed  highsterically,  k  fell  under  a 
seet.  I  lay  there  sum  time  &  fell  asleep.  I  dreamt  Mrs  Ward 
k  the  twins  had  bin  carrid  orf  by  Ryenosserhosses,  k  that 
Baldinsville  had  bin  captered  by  a  army  of  Octoroons.  When 
I  awoked  the  lamps  was  a  burnin  dimly.  Sum  of  the  pas- 
sin  jers  was  a  snorein  like  pawpusses,  k  the  little  damsell  in 
the  pine  gown  was  singin  **  Oft  in  the  Silly  nite."  The  on- 
prinsipuld  Octoroon  k  the  miserbul  man  in  black  close  was 
gone,  k  all  of  a  suddent  it  flasht  ore  my  brane  that  I  'd  bin 
Bwindild. 


EXPERIENCE  AS  AN  EDITOR. 

In  the  Ortum  of  18 —  my  frend,  the  editor  of  the  Baldins- 
ville Bugle,  was  obleged  to  leave  perfeshernal  dooties  &  go  & 
dig  his  taters,  &  he  axed  me  to  edit  for  him  doorin  his  ab- 
sence. Accordinly  I  ground  up  his  Shears  and  commenced. 
It  didn't  take  me  a  grate  while  to  slash  out  copy  enuff  from 
the  xchanges  *  for  one  issoo,  and  I  thawt  I  'd  ride  up  to  the 
next  town  on  a  little  Jaunt,  to  rest  my  Branes,  which  had 
bin  severely  rackt  by  my  mental  efforts.  (This  is  sorter 
Ironical.)  So  I  went  over  to  the  Eale  Road  offiss  and  axed 
the  Sooprintendent  for  a  pars. 

"  Ymi  a  editer  % "  he  axed,  evijently  on  the  pint  of  snickerin. 

*  Perhaps  five  per  cent,  of  the  Western  newspapers  is  original  matter 
relating  to  the  immediate  neighbourhood,  the  rest  is  composed  of  "  tele- 
graphs "  and  clippings  from  the  "  exchanges  " — a  general  term  applied  to 
those  papers  posted  in  exchange  for  others,  the  accommodation  being  a 
unntual  benefit. 


OBERLIN.  59 

"  Yes  Sir,"  sez  I ;  "  don't  I  look  poor  enuflfP 

"  Just  about,"  sed  he,  "  but  our  Road  can't  pars  you." 

"Can't,  hay?" 

"No  Sir— it  can't." 

**  Becauz,"  sez  1,  lookin  him  full  in  the  face  with  a  Eagle 
eye,  "  it  goes  so  darned  slow  it  can't  pars  anybody  /"  Me  thinks  I 
had  him  thar.  It 's  the  slowest  Rale  Road  in  the  West.  With 
a  mortifi  ed  air,  he  told  me  to  git  out  of  his  offiss.  I  pittid 
him  and  went. 


OBERLIN. 


About  two  years  ago  I  arrove  in  Oberlin,  Ohio.  Oberlin  is 
whare  the  celebrated  college  is.  In  fack,  OberHn  is  the 
college,  everything  else  in  that  air  vicinity  resolvin  around  ex- 
cloosivly  for  the  benefit  of  that  institution.  It  is  a  very  good 
college,  too,  &  a  grate  many  wurthy  yung  men  go  there  an- 
nooally  to  git  intelleck  into  'em.  But  its  my  onbiassed  'pinion 
that  they  go  it  rather  too  strong  on  Ethiopians  at  Oberlin. 
But  that 's  nun  of  my  bizniss.  I  'm  into  the  Show  bizniss. 
Yit  as  a  faithful  historan  I  must  menshun  the  fack  that  on 
rainy  dase  white  peple  can't  find  their  way  threw  the  streets 
without  the  gas  is  lit,  there  bein  such  a  numerosity  of  cullerd 
pussons  in  the  town. 

As  I  was  sayin,  I  arroved  at  Oberlin,  and  called  on  Perfesser 
Peck  for  the  purpuss  of  skewerin  Kolonial  Hall  to  exhibit  my 
wax  works  and  beests  of  Pray  into.  Kolonial  Hall  is  in  the 
college  and  is  used  by  the  stujents  to  speak  peaces  and  read 
essays  into. 

Sez  Perfesser  Peck,  "  Mister  Ward,  I  don't  know  'bout  this 
bizniss.     What  air  your  sentiments  1 " 

Sez  I,  "  I  hain't  got  any." 

"  Good  God ! "  cried  the  Perfesser,  "  did  I  understan  you 
to  say  you  hav  no  sentiments  1 " 


6o  OBERLIN, 

"  Nary  a  sentiment ! "  sez  I.    . 

"  Mister  Ward,  don't  your  blud  bile  at  the  thawt  that  three 
million  and  a  half  of  your  culled  brethren  air  a  clankm  their 
chains  in  the  South  ? " 

Sez  I,  "  Not  a  bile  !     Let  'em  clank  ! " 

He  was  about  to  continner  his  flowry  speech  when  I  put  a 
stopper  on  him.  Sez  I,  "  Perfesser  Peck,  A.  Ward  is  my 
name  &  Ameriky  is  my  nashun;  I'm  allers  the  same,  tho' 
humble  is  my  station,  and  I  've  bin  in  the  show  bizniss  goin  on 
22  years.  The  pint  is,  can  I  hav  your  Hall  by  payin  a  fair 
price  ?  You  air  full  of  sentiments.  That 's  your  lay,*  while 
I  'm  a  exhibiter  of  startlin  curiosities.     What  d'ye  say  ?  " 

"  Mister  Ward,  you  air  endowed  with  a  hily  practical  mind, 
and  while  I  deeply  regret  that  you  air  devoid  of  sentiments, 
I  '11  let  you  hav  the  hall  provided  your  exhibition  is  of  a  mora] 
&  elevatin  nater." 

Sez  I,  "  Tain't  nothin  shorter." 

So  I  opened  in  Kolonial  Hall,  which  was  crowded  every 
nite  with  stujents,  &c.  Perfesser  Finny  gazed  for  hours  at 
my  Kangaroo,  but  when  that  sagashus  but  onprincipled  little 
cuss  set  up  one  of  his  onarthly  yellins  and  I  proceeded  to  hoss- 
whip  him,  the  Perfesser  objected.  "  Suffer  not  your  angry 
pashuns  to  rise  up  at  the  poor  annimil's  little  excentrissities," 
said  the  Perfesser. 

"  Do  you  call  such  conduck  as  those  a  little  excentrissity  % " 
I  axed. 

"  I  do,"  sed  he ;  sapn  which  he  walked  up  to  the  cage  and 
sez  he,  "  Let 's  try  moral  swashun  upon  the  poor  creeter."  So 
he  put  his  hand  upon  the  Kangaroo's  hed  and  said,  "Poor 
little  feller — poor  little  feller — your  master  is  very  crooil,  isn't 
he,  my  untootered  frend  % "  when  the  Kangaroo,  with  a  terrific 
yell,  grabd  the  Perfesser  by  the  hand  and  cum  very  near 
chawin  it  orf.     It  was  amoozin  to  see  the  Perfesser  jump  up 

*  Terms  or  conditions  of  a  bargain,  price.  A  low  word  used  in  New 
England,  probably  a  contraction  for  outlay. 


THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP.  6i 

and  scream  with  pane.  Sez  I,  "  That's  one  of  the  poor  little 
feller's  excentrissities  ! " 

Sez  he,  **  Mister  Ward,  that 's  a  dangerous  quadruped.  He 's 
totally  depraved.  I  will  retire  and  do  my  lasserated  hand  up 
in  a  rag,  and  meanwhile  I  request  you  to  meat  out  summery  and 
severe  punishment  to  the  vishus  beest."  I  hosswhipt  the  little 
cuss  for  upwards  of  15  minutes.  Guess  I  licked  sum  of  his 
excentrissity  out  of  him. 

Oberlin  is  a  grate  plase.  The  College  opens  with  a  prayer 
and  then  the  New  York  Tribune  is  read.  A  kolleckshun  is 
then  taken  up  to  buy  overkoats  with  red  horn  buttons  onto 
them  for  the  indignant  cullured  people  of  Kanady.  I  have  to 
contribit  librally  two  the  glowrius  work,  as  they  kawl  it  hear. 
I  'm  kompelled  by  the  Fackulty  to  reserve  front  seets  in  my 
show  for  the  cullured  peple.  At  the  Boardin  House  the 
cullured  peple  sit  at  the  first  table.  What  they  leeve  is  maid 
into  hash  for  the  white  peple.  As  I  don't  like  the  idee  of 
catin  my  vittles  with  Ethiopians,  I  sit  at  the  seckind  table, 
and  the  konsequence  is  I  've  devowered  so  much  hash  that  my 
inards  is  in  a  hily  mixt  up  condishun.  Fish  bones  hav  maid 
their  appearance  all  over  my  boddy,  and  pertater  peelins  air  a 
springin  up  through  my  hair.  Howsever  I  don't  mind  it. 
I  'm  gettin  along  well  in  a  pecunery  pint  of  view.  The  College 
has  konfired  upon  me  the  honery  title  of  T.  K.,  of  which  I  'm 
suffishuntly  prowd. 


THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP. 

Thare  was  many  affectin  ties  which  made  me  hanker  arter 
Betsy  Jane.  Her  father's  farm  jined  our'n ;  their  cows  and 
our'n  squencht  their  thurst  at  the  same  spring ;  our  old  mares 
both  had  stars  in  their  forrerds  ;  the  measles  broke  out  in  both 
famerlies  at  nearly  the  same  period ;  our  parients  (Betsy's  and 
mine)  slept  reglarly  everv  Sunday  in  the  same  i^'^etin  house. 


62  THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP, 

and  the  nabers  used  to  obsarve,  "  How  thick  the  Wards  and 
Peasleys  air  ! "  It  was  a  surblime  site,  in  the  Spring  of  the 
year,  to  see  our  sevral  mothers  (Betsy's  and  mine)  with  their 
gowns  pin'd  up  so  thay  couldn't  sile  'em,  affecshunitly  Bilin 
sope  together  &  aboozin  the  nabers. 

Altho  I  hankerd  intensly  arter  the  objeck  of  my  affecshuns, 
I  darsunt  tell  her  of  the  fires  which  was  rajin  in  my  manly 
Buzzum.  I  'd  try  to  do  it,  but  my  tung  would  kerwollup*  up 
agin  the  roof  of  my  mowth  &  stick  thar,  like  deth  to  a  deseast 
Afrikan  or  a  country  postmaster  to  his  offiss,  while  my  hart 
whanged  agin  my  ribs  like  a  old  fashioned  wheat  Flale  agin  a 
barn  door. 

'Twas  a  carm  still  nite  in  Joon.  All  nater  was  husht  and 
nary  zeffer  disturbed  the  sereen  silens.  I  sot  with  Betsy  Jane 
on  the  fense  of  her  farther's  pastur.  We  'd  been  rompin  threw 
the  woods,  kullin  flours  &  drivin  the  woodchuck  from  his 
Nativ  Lair  (so  to  speak)  with  long  sticks.  Wall  we  sot  thar 
on  the  fense,  a  swingin  our  feet  two  and  fro,  blushin  as  red  as 
the  Baldinsville  skool  house  when  it  was  fust  painted,  and 
lookin  very  simple,  I  make  no  doubt.  My  left  arm  was 
ockepied  in  ballunsin  myself  on  the  fense,  while  my  rite  was 
woundid  luvinly  round  her  waste. 

I  cleared  my  throat  and  tremblinly  sed,  "  Betsy,  you  're  a 
Gazelle." 

I  thought  that  air  was  putty  fine.  I  waitid  to  see  what 
effeck  it  would  hav  upon  her.  It  evidently  didn't  fetch  her, 
for  she  up  and  sed  : 

"  You  're  a  sheep  ! " 

Sez  I,  "  Betsy,  I  thmk  very  muchly  of  you." 

*'  I  don't  b'leeve  a  word  you  say — so  there  now  cum  ! "  with 
which  obsarvashun  she  hitched  away  from  me. 

"  I  wish  thar  was  winders  to  my  Sole,"  sed  I,  "so  that  you 
could  see  some  of  my  feelins.     There 's  fire  enuff  in  here,"  sed 

*  A  similar  expression  to  that  mentioned  in  foot-note  at  p.  43,  which  see 


THE  SHOWMAN'S  COURTSHIP.  63 

I,  strikin  my  buzzum  with  my  fist,  "  to  bile  all  the  com  beef 
and  turnips  in  the  naberhood.  Versoovius  and  the  Critter 
ain't  a  circumstans  ! " 

She  bowd  her  hed  down  and  commenst  chawin  the  string? 
to  her  sun  bonnet. 

"  Ar  could  you  know  the  sleeplis  nites  I  worry  threw  with 
on  your  account,  how  vittles  has  seized  to  be  attractiv  to  me, 
&  how  my  lims  has  shrunk  up,  you  wouldn't  dowt  me.  Gase 
on  this  wastin  form  and  these  'ere  sunken  cheeks " 

I  should  have  continnered  on  in  this  strane  probly  for  sum 
time,  but  unfortnitly  I  lost  my  ballunse  and  fell  over  into  the 
pastur  ker  smash,*  tearin  my  close  and  seveerly  damagin  my- 
self ginerally. 

Betsy  Jane  sprung  to  my  assistance  in  dubble  quick  time 
and  dragged  me  4th.  Then  drawin  herself  up  to  her  full  hite 
she  sed  : 

"  I  won't  listen  to  your  noncents  no  longer.  Jes  say  rite 
strate  out  what  you  're  drivin  at.  If  you  mean  gettin  hitched, 
I'M  in!" 

I  considered  that  air  enuflf  for  all  practical  purpusses,  and 
we  proceeded  immejitly  to  the  parson's  &  was  made  1  that 
very  nite. 

I  've  parst  threw  many  tryin  ordeels  sins  then,  but  Betsy 
Jane  has  bin  troo  as  steel.  By  attendin  strickly  to  bizniss 
I  've  amarsed  a  handsum  Pittance.  No  man  on  this  foot-stool 
can  rise  &  git  up  &  say  I  ever  knowinly  injered  no  man  or 
wimmin  folks,  while  all  agree  that  my  Show  is  ekalled  by  few 
and  exceld  by  none,  embracin  as  it  does  a  wonderful  colleck- 
shun  of  livin  wild  Beests  of  Pray,  snaix  in  grate  profushun,  a 
endliss  variety  of  life-size  wax  figgers,  &  the  only  traned  kan- 
garoo in  Ameriky — the  most  amoozin  little  cuss  ever  introjuced 
to  a  discriminatin  public. 

*  See  foot  note,  p.  43. 


64  THE  CRISIS. 

THE    CRISIS. 

[This  Oration  was  delivered  before  the  comniencem«='nt  ot  the  war.] 

On  returnin  to  my  humsted  in  Baldinsville,  Iiijianiiy, 
resuntly,  my  feller  sitterzens  extended  a  invite  for  me  to 
norate  to  'em  on  the  Krysis.  I  excepted  &  on  larst  Toosday 
nite  I  peared  be4  a  C  of  upturned  faces  in  the  Eed  Skool 
House.     I  spoke  nearly  as  follers  : 

Baldinsvillins  :  Hearto4,  as  I  hav  numerously  obsarved,  I 
have  abstrained  from  having  any  sentimunts  or  principles,  my 
pollertics,  like  my  religion,  bein  of  a  exceedin  accommodatin 
character.  But  the  fack  can't  be  no  longer  disgised  that  a 
Krysis  is  onto  us,  &  I  feel  it 's  my  dooty  to  accept  your  invite 
for  one  consecutive  nite  only.  I  spose  the  inflammertory 
individooals  who  assisted  in  projucing  this  Krysis  know  what 
good  she  will  do,  but  I  ain't  'shamed  to  state  that  I  don't, 
Bcacely.  But  the  Krysis  is  hear.  She 's  bin  hear  for  sevral 
weeks,  &  Goodness  nose  how  long  she  11  stay.  But  I  venter 
to  assert  that  she  's  rippin  things.  She 's  knockt  trade  into  a 
cockt  up  hat  and  chaned  Bizniss  of  all  kinds  tighter  nor  I 
ever  chaned  any  of  my  livin  wild  Beests.  Alow  me  to  hear 
dygress  &  stait  that  my  Beests.  at  present  is  as  harmless  as  the 
new-born  Babe.  Ladys  &  gentlemen  needn't  hav  no  fears  on 
that  pint.  To  resoom — Altho  I  can't  exactly  see  what  good 
this  Krysis  can  do,  I  can  very  quick  say  what  the  origernal 
cawz  of  her  is.  The  origernal  cawz  is  Our  Afrikan  Brother. 
I  was  into  Barnim's  Moozeum  down  to  New  York  the  other 
day,  &  saw  that  exsentric  Ethiopian,  the  What  Is  It.  Sez  I, 
*•  Mister  What  Is  It,  your  folks  air  raisin  thunder  with  this 
grate  country.  You  're  gettin  to  be  ruther  more  numeris 
than  interestin.  It  is  a  pity  you  coodent  go  orf  sumwhares 
by  yourselves,  &  be  a  nation  of  What  Is  Its,  tho'  if  you  '11 
cxcoose  me,  I  shooden't  care  about  marryin  among  you.  No 
dowt  you  're  exceedin  charmin  to  hum,  but  your  stile  of  luv- 


THE  CRISIS,  6$ 

liness  isn't  adapted  to  this  cold  climit."  He  larfed  into  my 
face,  which  rather  Eiled  me,  as  I  had  been  perfeckly  virtoous 
and  respectable  in  my  observashuns.  So  sez  I,  turnin  a  leetle 
red  in  the  face  I  spect,  "  Do  you  hav  the  unblushin  impoo- 
dents  to  say  you  folks  haven't  raised  a  big  mess  of  thunder  in 
this  brite  land,  Mister  "What  Is  It  1 "  He  larfed  agin,  wusser 
nor  be4,  whareupon  I  up  and  sez,  "  Go  home,  Sir,  to  Afriky'p 
bumin  shores  &  taik  all  the  other  What  Is  Its  along  with 
you.  Don't  think  we  can't  spair  your  interestin  picters. 
You  What  Is  Its  air  on  the  pint  of  smashin  up  the  gratest 
Guv'ment  ever  erected  by  man,  &  you  actooally  hav  the 
o^dassity  to  larf  about  it.     Go  home,  you  low  cuss  !  " 

I  was  workt  up  to  a  high  pitch,  &  1  proceeded  to  a  Resto- 
rator  &  cooled  orf  with  some  little  fishes  biled  in  ile — I  b'l^^e 
they  call  'em  sardeens. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  the  Afrikan  may  be  Our  Brother.  Sevral 
hily  respectyble  gentlemen,  and  sum  talentid  females,  tell  us 
80,  &  fur  argyment's  sake  I  mite  be  injooced  to  grant  it, 
tho'  I  don't  beleeve  it  myself.  But  the  Afrikan  isn't  our 
sister  &  our  wife  &  our  uncle.  He  isn't  sevral  of  our  brothert 
&  all  our  fust  wife's  relashuns.  He  isn't  our  grandfather,  and 
our  grate  grandfather,  and  our  Aunt  in  the  country.  Scacely. 
&  yit  numeris  persons  would  have  us  think  so.  It 's  troo  he 
runs  Congress  &  sevral  other  public  grosserys,*  but  then  he 
ain't  everybody  &  everybody  else  likewise.  [Notiss  to  bizniss 
man  of  Vanity  Fair  :t  Extry  charg  fur  this  larst  remark. 
It'sagoak.— A.  W.] 

But  we  've  got  the  Afrikan,  or  ruther  he 's  got  us,  &  now 

*  The  name  given  to  the  bar-rooma  and  grog-shops  in  the  United 
States,  where  many  political  arrangements  are  effected  ;  just  as  at 
Washington  no  inconsiderable  quantity  of  liquor  is  consumed  in  the 
"groceries,"  or  refreshment-rooms  attached  to  the  legislative  halls— a  sir 
comparison,  on  th«  part  of  Mr  "Ward,  betwixt  two  American  institutions, 
which  should  be — but  are  not — very  dissimilar  in  certain  popuLtf 
features. 

t  An  Olustrated  comic  periodical  published  in  New  York. 

B 


66  THE  CRISIS. 

what  air  we  going  to  do  about  it  %  He 's  a  orful  noosanse. 
Praps  he  isn't  to  blame  fur  it.  Praps  he  was  creatid  fur  sum 
wise  purpuss,  like  the  measles  and  New  Englan  Eum,  but  it's 
mity  hard  to  see  it.  At  any  rate  he 's  no  good  here,  &  as  I 
statid  to  Mister  What  Is  It,  it 's  a  pity  he  cooden't  go  orf  sum- 
whares  quietly  by  hisself,  whare  he  cood  wear  red  weskits  & 
speckled  neckties,  &  gratterfy  his  ambishun  in  varis  interestin 
wase,  without  havin  a  eternal  fuss  kickt  up  about  him. 

Praps  I  'm  bearin  down  too  hard  upon  Cuffy.  Cum  to  think 
on  it,  I  am.  He  wooden't  be  sich  a  infernal  noosanse  if  white 
peple  would  let  him  alone.  He  mite  indeed  be  interestin. 
And  now  I  think  of  it,  why  can't  the  white  peple  let  him 
alone.  What 's  the  good  of  continnerly  stirrin  him  up  with  a 
ten-foot  pole  ?  He  isn't  the  sweetest  kind  of  Perfoomery  when 
in  a  natral  stait. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  the  Union 's  in  danger.  The  black  devil 
Disunion  is  trooly  here,  starein  us  all  squarely  in  the  face  ! 
We  must  drive  him  back.  Shall  we  make  a  2nd  Mexico  of 
ourselves  1  Shall  we  sell  our  birthrite  for  a  mess  of  potash  % 
Shall  one  brother  put  the  knife  to  the  throat  of  anuther 
brother  ]  Shall  we  mix  our  whisky  with  each  others'  blud  ? 
Shall  the  star-spangled  Banner  be  cut  up  into  dishcloths  ? 
Standin  here  in  this  here  Skoolhouse,  upon  my  nativ  shore  so 
to  speak,  I  anser — ^Nary  ! 

Oh  you  fellers  who  air  raisin  this  row,  &  who  in  the  fust 
place  startid  it,  I  'm  'shamed  of  you.  The  Showman  blushes 
for  you,  from  his  boots  to  the  topmost  hair  upon  his  wener- 
able  hed. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  I  am  in  the  Sheer  and  Yeller  leaf.  I  shall 
peg  out  1  of  these  dase.  But  while  I  do  stop  here  I  shall  stay 
in  the  Union.  I  know  not  what  the  supervizers  of  Baldins- 
ville  may  conclude  to  do,  but  for  one,  I  shall  stand  by  the 
Stars  &  Stripes.  Under  no  circumstances  whatsomever  will  I 
sesesh.  Let  every  Stait  in  the  Union  sesesh  &  let  Palmetter 
flags  flote  thicker  nor  shirts  on  Square  Baxter's  close  line,  still 


IVAX  FIGURES  v.  SHAKSPEARE,  Of 

will  I  stick  to  the  good  old  flag.  The  country  may  go  to  the 
devil,  but  I  won't !  And  next  Summer,  when  I  start  out  on 
my  kampane  with  my  Show,  wharever  I  pitch  my  little  tent, 
you  shall  see  floatin  prowdly  from  the  center  pole  thereof 
the  Amerikan  Flag,  with  nary  a  star  wiped  out,  nary  a  stripe 
less,  but  the  same  old  flag  that  has  allers  flotid  thar !  &  the 
price  of  admishun  will  be  the  same  it  allers  was — 15  cents, 
children  half  price. 

Feller  Sitterzens,  I  am  dun.     Accordingly  I  squatted. 


WAX  FIGURES  v.  SHAKSPEARE. 

Onto  the  wing, 1859. 

Mr  Editor,— 

I  take  my  Pen  in  hand  to  inform  yu  that  I  'm  in  good  helth, 
and  trust  these  few  lines  will  find  yu  injoyin  the  same 
blessins.  I  wood  also  state  that  I'm  now  on  the  summir 
kampane.     As  the  Poit  sez — 

ime  erflote,  ime  erflote 
On  the  Swift  rollin  tied 
An  the  Rovir  is  free. 

Bizniss  is  scacely  middlin,  but  Sirs  I  manige  to  pay  for  my 
foode  and  raiment  puncktooally  and  without  no  grumblin. 
The  barked  arrers  of  slandur  has  bin  leviled  at  the  undersined 
moren  onct  sins  heze  bin  into  the  show  bizniss,  but  I  make 
bold  to  say  no  man  on  this  footstule  kan  troothfully  say  I  ever 
ronged  him  or  eny  of  his  folks.  I  'm  travelin  with  a  tent, 
which  is  better  nor  hirin  hauls.  My  show  konsists  of  a  serious 
of  wax  works,  snakes,  a  paneramy  kalled  a  Grand  Movin  Diarea 
of  the  War  in  the  Crymear,  komic  songs  and  the  Kangeroo, 
which  larst  little  cuss  continners  to  konduct  hisself  in  the  most 
outrajus  stile.  I  started  out  with  the  idear  of  makin  my  show 
a  grate  Moral  Entertainment,  but  I  *m  kompeled  to  sware  aa 


^  IVAA  FIGURES  v.  SHAKSPEARE, 

much  at  that  air  infurnal  Kangeroo  that  I  'm  frade  this  desine 
will  be  flustratid  to  some  extent.  And  while  speakin  of  mor- 
rality,  remines  me  that  sum  folks  turn  up  their  nosis  at  shows 
like  mine,  sayin  they  is  low  and  not  fit  to  be  patrernized  by 
peple  of  high  degree.  Sirs,  I  manetane  that  this  is  infernul 
nonsense.  I  manetane  that  wax  figgers  is  more  elevatin  than 
awl  the  plays  ever  wroten.  Take  Shakespeer  for  instunse. 
Peple  think  heze  grate  things,  but  I  kontend  heze  quite  the 
reverse  to  the  kontrary.  What  sort  of  sense  is  thare  to  King 
Leer  who  goze  round  cussin  his  darters,  chawin  hay  and  throin 
straw  at  folks,  and  larfin  like  a  silly  old  koot,*  and  makin  a 
ass  of  hisself  ginerally  %  Thare 's  Mrs  Mackbeth — sheze  a  nise 
kind  of  woomon  to  have  round,  aint  she,  a  puttin  old  Mack, 
her  husband,  up  to  slayin  Dunkan  with  a  cheeze  knife,  while 
heze  payin  a  frendly  visit  to  their  house.  0  its  hily  morral, 
I  spoze,  when  she  larfs  wildly  and  sez,  "  Gin  me  the  daggurs— 
He  let  his  bowels  out,"  or  words  to  that  effeck — I  say,  this  ia 
awl  strickly  propper  I  spoze  %  That  Jack  Fawlstarf  is  likewise 
a  immoral  old  cuss,  take  him  how  ye  may,  and  Hamlick  is  as 
crazy  as  a  loon.  Thare's  Eichurd  the  Three— peple  think  heze 
grate  things,  but  I  look  upon  him  in  the  lite  of  a  monkster. 
He  kills  everybody  he  takes  a  noshun  to  in  kold  blud,  and 
then  goze  to  sleep  in  his  tent.  Bimeby  he  wakes  up  and  yells 
for  a  boss  so  he  kan  go  orf  and  kill  sum  more  peple.  If  he 
isent  a  fit  spesserman  for  the  gallers  then  I  shood  like  to  know 
whare  you  find  um.  Thare 's  largo  who  is  more  ornery  nor 
pizen.  See  how  shamful  he  treated  that  hily  respecterble 
injun  gentlemun,  Mister  Otheller,  makin  him  for  to  beleeve 
his  wife  was  two  thick  with  Casheo.  Obsarve  how  largo  got 
Casheo  drunk  as  a  biled  owl  on  corn  whisky  in  order  to  karry 
out  his  sneekin  desines.  See  how  he  wurks  Mister  Otheller's 
feelins  up  so  that  he  goze  and  makes  poor  Desdemony  swalkr 

*  The  name  of  a  small  water-fowl,  which,  when  pursued,  buries  its  head 
in  the  mud.  Often  used  in  the  United  States  in  the  sense  of  stupid,  aa 
^ he  it  as  stupid  aa  a  cooi*^ 


AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS.  69 

a  piller  which  cawses  her  deth.  But  I  must  stop.  At  sum 
futur  time  I  shall  continner  my  remarks  on  the  dramer,  in 
wliich  I  shall  show  the  varst  supeeriority  of  wax  figgers  and 
snakes  over  theater  plays,  in  a  interlectooal  pint  of  view. — 
Very  Respectively  Yures, 

A.  Ward,  T.K. 


AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS.* 

SosiE  years  ago  I  pitched  my  tent  and  onfurled  my  bannei 
to  the  breeze  in  Berlin  Hites,  Ohio.  I  had  heam  that  Berlin 
Hites  was  ockepied  by  a  extensive  seek  called  Free  Lovers, 
who  beleeved  in  affinertys  and  sich,  goin  back  on  their  do- 
mestic ties  without  no  hesitation  whatsomever.  They  was 
likewise  spirit  rappers  and  high  presher  reformers  on  gineral 
principles.  If  I  can  improve  these  'ere  misgided  peple  by 
showin  them  my  onparalleld  show  at  the  usual  low  price  of 
admitants,  methunk,  I  shall  not  hav  lived  in  vane  !  But  bit- 
terly did  I  cuss  the  day  I  ever  sot  foot  in  the  retchid  place. 
I  sot  up  my  tent  in  a  field  near  the  Love  Cure,  as  they  called 
it,  and  bimeby  the  free  lovers  begun  for  to  congregate  around 
the  door.  A  ornreer  set  I  have  never  sawn.  The  men's  faces 
was  all  covered  with  hare,  and  they  lookt  half-starved  to  deth. 
They  didn't  wear  no  weskuts,  for  the  purpuss  (as  they  sed)  of 
allowin  the  free  air  of  hevun  to  blow  onto  their  buzzums. 
Their  pockets  was  filled  with  tracks  and  pamplits,  and  they 
was  bare-footed.  They  sed  the  Postles  didn't  wear  boots,  & 
why  should  they  %  That  was  their  stile  of  argyment.  The 
wimin  was  wuss  than  the  men.     They  wore  trowsis,  short 

*  Some  queer  people,  calling  themselves  "  Free  Lovers,**  and  possessing 
▼ery  original  ideas  about  life  and  morality,  established  themselves  at  Berlin 
Heights,  in  Ohio,  a  few  years  since.  Public  opinion  was  resistlessly  against 
them,  however,  and  the  association  was  soon  disbanded- 


70  AMONG  THE  FREE  LOVERS. 

gownds,  straw  hats  with  green  ribbius,  and  all  carried  bloo 
cotton  umbrellers. 

Presently  a  perfeckly  orful  lookin  female  presented  herself 
at  the  door.  Her  gownd  was  skanderlusly  short,  and  her 
trowsis  was  shameful  to  behold. 

She  eyed  me  over  very  sharp,  and  then  startin  back  she  sed, 
in  a  wild  voice  : 

"Ah,  can  it  be?" 

"  Which  r' said  I. 

"  Yes,  'tis  troo,  0  'tis  troo  ! " 

"15  cents,  marm,"  I  anserd. 

She  bust  out  a  cryin  &  sed  : 

"  And  so  I  hav  found  you  at  larst— at  larst,  O  at  larst ! " 

"  Yes,"  I  anserd,  "  you  have  found  me  at  larst,  and  you 
would  have  found  me  at  fust,  if  you  had  cum  sooner." 

She  grabd  me  vilently  by  the  coat  collar,  and  brandishin  her 
nmbreller  wildly  round,  exclaimed  : 

"  Air  you  a  man  % " 

Sez  I,  "  I  think  I  air,  but  if  you  doubt  it,  you  can  address 
Mrs  A.  Ward,  Baldinsville,  Injianny,  postage  pade,  &  she  wilJ 
probly  giv  you  the  desired  informashun." 

"  Then  thou  ist  what  the  cold  world  calls  marrid  %  '* 

"  Madam,  I  istest  ! " 

The  exsentric  female  then  clutched  me  franticly  by  the  arm 
and  hollerd  : 

"  You  air  mine,  0  you  air  mine  ! " 

"  Scacely,"  I  sed,  endeverin  to  git  loose  from  her.  But  she 
clung  to  me  and  sed  : 

"  You  air  my  Affinerty  ! " 

*'  What  upon  arth  is  that  ? "  I  shouted. 

"  Dost  thou  not  know  ? " 

«  No,  I  dostent ! " 

"  Listin,  man,  &  I  '11  tell  ye  ! "  sed  the  strange  female ;  "  for 
years  I  hav  yearned  for  thee.  I  knowd  thou  wast  in  the 
world,  sumwhares,  tho  I  didn't  know  whare.     My  hart  sed  he 


SCANDALOUS  DOINGS  A T  PITTSBURG.  71 

would  cum  and  I  took  courage.  He  has  cum — he's  here — 
you  air  him — you  air  my  Affinerty  !  0  'tis  too  mutch  !  too 
mutch  ! "  and  she  sobbed  agin. 

"  Yes,"  I  anserd,  ''  I  think  it  is  a  darn  site  too  mutch  ! " 

*'Hast  thou  not  yearned  for  me?"  she  yelled,  ringin  her 
hands  like  a  female  play  acter. 

"  Not  a  yearn  ! "  I  bellerd  at  the  top  of  my  voice,  throwin 
her  away  from  me. 

The  free  lovers  who  was  standin  round  obsarvin  the  scene 
commenst  for  to  holler  "  shame  ! "  "  beast,"  etsettery,  etsettery. 

I  was  very  much  riled,  and  fortifyin  myself  with  a  spare 
tent  stake,  I  addrest  hem  as  foUers  :  "  You  pussylanermus 
critters,  go  way  from  me  and  take  this  retchid  woman  with 
you.  I  'm  a  law-abidin  man,  and  bleeve  in  good,  old-fashioned 
institutions.  I  am  marrid  &  my  orfsprings  resemble  me,  if  I 
am  a  showman  !  I  think  your  Affinity  bizniss  is  cussed  non- 
cents,  besides  bein  outrajusly  wicked.  Why  don't  you  behave 
desunt  like  other  folks  ?  Go  to  work  and  earn  a  honist  livin, 
and  not  stay  round  here  in  this  lazy,  shiftless  way,  pizenin  the 
moral  atmosphere  with  your  pestifrous  idees !  You  wimin 
folks,  go  back  to  your  lawful  husbands  if  you  've  got  any,  and 
take  orf  them  skanderlous  gownds  and  trowsis,  and  dress 
respectful  like  other  wimin.  You  men  folks,  cut  orf  them 
pirattercal  whiskers,  burn  up  them  infurnel  pamplits,  put  sum 
weskuts  on,  go  to  work  choppin  wood,  splittin  fence  rales,  or 
tillin  the  sile.  I  pored  4th  my  indignashun  in  this  way  till  I 
got  out  of  breth,  when  I  stopt.  I  shant  go  to  Berlin  Hites 
agin,  not  if  I  live  to  be  as  old  as  Methooseler. 


SCANDALOUS  DOINGS  AT  PITTSBURG. 

Hear  in  the  Buzzum  of  my  famerly  I  am  enjoyin  myself,  at 
peas  with  awl  mankind  and  the  wimin  folks  likewize.     I  gc 


72  SCANDALO  US  DOINGS  A  T  PITTSBURG, 

down  to  the  villige  ockashunly  and  take  a  little  old  Eye  fur 
the  stummuck's  sake,  but  I  avoyd  spiritus  lickers  as  a  ginral 
thing.  No  man  evir  seen  me  intossikated  but  onct,  and  that 
air  happind  in  Pittsburg.  A  parsel  of  ornery  cusses  in  that 
luvly  sity  bustid  inter  the  hawl  durin  the  nite  and  aboosed 
my  wax  works  shaimful.  I  didn't  obsarve  the  outrajus  trans- 
acshuns  ontil  the  next  evening  when  the  peple  begun  for  to 
kongregate.  Suddinly  they  kommensed  fur  to  larf  and  holler 
in  a  boysterious  stile.  Sez  I  good  peple  what 's  up  ?  Sez  thay 
them's  grate  wax  wurks,  isn't  they,  old  man.  I  immejitly 
looked  up  ter  whare  the  wax  works  was,  and  my  blud  biles  as 
I  think  of  the  site  which  then  met  my  Gase.  I  hope  two  be 
dodrabbertid  *  if  them  afoursed  raskals  hadent  gone  and  put 
a  old  kavedt  in  hat  outer  George  Washington's  hed  and 
shuved  a  short  black  klay  pipe  inter  his  mouth.  His  noze 
thay  had  painted  red  and  his  trowsis  legs  thay  had  shuved 
inside  his  butes.  My  wax  figger  of  Napoleon  Boneypart  was 
likewise  mawltreatid.  His  sword  wus  danglin  tween  his  legs, 
and  his  cockd  hat  was  drawn  klean  down  over  his  ize,  and  he 
was  plased  in  a  stoopin  posishun  lookin  zactly  as  tho  he  was 
as  drunk  as  a  biled  owl.  Ginral  Taylor  was  a  standin  on  his 
hed  and  Wingfield  Skott's  koat  tales  ware  pind  over  his  hed 
and  his  trowsis  ware  kompleetly  torn  orf  frum  hisself.  My 
wax  works  representin  the  Lord's  Last  Supper  was  likewise 
aboozed.  Three  of  the  Postles  ware  under  the  table  and  two 
of  um  had  on  old  tarpawlin  hats  and  raggid  pee  jackits  and 
ware  smokin  pipes.  Judus  Iskarriot  had  on  a  cocked  hat  and 
was  appeerently  drinkin,  as  a  Bottle  of  whisky  sot  befour  him. 
Tliis  ere  specktercal  was  too  much  fur  me.  I  klosed  the  show 
and  then  drowndid  my  sorrers  in  the  flowin  Bole. 

*  Dod-rdbit  is  an  American  euphemism  for  a  profane  expression  which 
is  quite  as  common  in  this  country  as  on  the  other  side  of  the  Atlantic, 
t  See  foot-note,  p.  56. 


A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG,  73 

A  VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

It  is  now  goin  on  2  (too)  yeres,  as  I  very  well  remember,  since 
I  crossed  the  Planes  for  Kalifomy,  the  Brite  land  of  Jold. 
While  crossin  the  Planes  all  so  bold,  I  fell  in  with  sum  noble 
red  men  of  the  forest  (N.B. — This  is  rote  Sarcasticul.  Injins 
is  Pizin,  whar  ever  found,)  which  thay  Sed  I  was  their  Brother, 
k  wantid  for  to  smoke  the  Calomel  of  Peace  with  me.  Thay 
then  stole  my  jerkt  beef,  blankits,  etsettery,  skalpt  my  orgin 
grinder,  &  scooted  with  a  "Wild  Hoop.  Durin  the  Cheaf's 
techin  speech  he  sed  he  shood  meet  me  in  the  Happy  Huntin 
Grounds.  If  he  duz  thare  will  be  a  fite.  But  enuff  of  this  ere. 
T*.even  Noose  Muttons^  as  our  skoolmaster,  who  has  got  Talent 
into  him,  cussycally  obsarves. 

I  arrove  at  Salt  Lake  in  doo  time.  At  Camp  Scott  there 
was  a  lot  of  U.S.  sojers,  hosstensibly  sent  out  thare  to  smash 
the  mormons,  but  really  to  eat  Salt  vittles  &  play  poker  *  & 
other  beautiful  but  sumwhat  onsartin  games.  I  got  acquainted 
with  sum  of  the  officers.  Thay  lookt  putty  scrumpshus  in  their 
Bloo  coats  with  brass  buttings  onto  um,  k  ware  very  talented 
drinkers,  but  so  fur  as  fitin  is  consarned  I  'd  willingly  put  my 
wax  figgers  agin  the  hull  party. 

My  desire  was  to  exhibit  my  grate  show  in  Salt  Lake  City, 
so  I  called  on  Brigham  Yung,  the  grate  mogull  amung  the 
mormins,  and  axed  his  permishun  to  pitch  my  tent  and  onfurl 
my  banner  to  the  jentle  breezis.  He  lookt  at  me  in  a  austeer 
manner  for  a  few  minits,  and  sed  : 

"  Do  you  bleeve  in  Solomon,  Saint  Paul,  the  immaculateness 
of  the  Mormin  Church,  and  the  Latter-day  Eevelashuns  1 " 

Sez  I,  "  I'm  on  it ! "  I  make  it  a  pint  to  git  along  plesunt, 
tho  I  didn't  know  what  under  the  Son  the  old  feller  was  drivin 
at.     He  sed  I  mite  show. 

*  A  favourite  game  at  cards  with  Western  gamblers  ;  o<HTuption  of  ih« 
old  English  Post  and  Paire, 


74  A   VISIT  TO  BRIG  HAM  YOUNG, 

"  You  ail  a  marrid  inan,  Mister  Yung,  I  bleeve  1 "  sez  I, 
preparin  to  rite  him  sum  free  parsis. 

"  I  hev  eighty  wives,  Mister  Ward.     I  sertinly  am  marrid." 

"  How  do  you  like  it  as  far  as  you  hev  got  1 "  sed  I. 

He  sed  "  middlin/'  and  axed  me  wouldn't  I  like  to  see  his 
famerly,  to  which  I  replide  that  I  wouldn't  mind  minglin  with 
the  fair  Seek  &  Barskin  in  the  winnin  smiles  of  his  interestin 
wives.  He  accordingly  tuk  me  to  his  Scareum.  The  house  is 
powerful  big,  &  in  a  exceedin  large  room  was  his  wives  & 
children,  which  larst  was  squawkin  and  hoUerin  enuff  to  take 
the  roof  rite  orf  the  house.  The  wimin  was  of  all  sizes  and  ages. 
Sum  was  pretty  &  sum  was  plane — sum  was  helthy  and  sum 
was  on  the  Wayne — which  is  verses,  tho  sich  was  not  my  in- 
tentions, as  I  don't  'prove  of  puttin  verses  in  Froze  rittins, 
tho  ef  occashun  requires  I  can  Jerk  a  Poim  ekal  to  any  of 
them  Atlantic  Munthly  fellers. 

"  My  wives,  Mister  Ward,"  sed  Yung. 

"  Your  sarvant,  marms,"  sed  I,  as  I  sot  down  in  a  cheer 
which  a  red-heded  female  brawt  me. 

"Besides  these  wives  you  see  here.  Mister  Ward,"  sed 
Yung,  "  I  hav  eighty  more  in  varis  parts  of  this  consecrated 
land  which  air  Sealed  to  me." 

"  Which  ? "  sez  I,  gittin  up  &  starin  at  hun. 

"  Sealed,  Sir  !  sealed." 

"  Whare  bowts  ? "  sez  I. 

"  I  sed,  Sir,  that  they  was  sealed !"  He  spoke  in  a  traggcrdy 
voice. 

"  Will  they  probly  continner  on  in  that  stile  to  any  grate 
extent.  Sir  ? "  I  axed. 

"  Sir,"  sed  he,  turnin  as  red  as  a  biled  beet,  "  don't  you 
know  that  the  rules  of  our  Church  is  that  I,  the  Profit,  may 
hev  as  meny  wives  as  I  wants  ? " 

"  Jes  so,"  I  sed.     "  You  are  old  pie,  ain't  you  V 

*'  Them  as  is  Sealed  to  me — that  is  to  say,  to  be  mine  when  I 


A   VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG.  75 

wants  nm — air  at  present  my  sperretooul  wives,"  said  Mister 
Yung. 

"  Long  may  thay  wave  !"  sez  I,  seein  I  shood  git  into  a 
scrape  ef  I  didn't  look  out. 

In  a  privit  conversashun  with  Brigham  I  learnt  the  follerin 
fax :  It  takes  him  six  weeks  to  kiss  his  wives.  He  don't  do  it 
only  onct  a  yere  &  sez  it  is  wuss  nor  cleanin  house.  He  don't 
pretend  to  know  his  children,  there  is  so  many  of  um,  tho 
they  all  know  him.  He  sez  about  every  child  he  meats  calls 
him  Par,  <k  he  takes  it  for  grantid  it  is  so.  His  wives  air  very 
expensiv.  Thay  allers  want  suthin,  &  ef  he  don't  buy  it  for 
um  thay  set  the  house  in  a  uproar.  He  sez  he  don't  have  a 
minit's  peace.  His  wives  fite  amung  theirselves  so  much  that 
lie  has  bilt  a  fitin  room  for  thare  speshul  benefit,  &  when  too 
of  'em  get  into  a  row  he  has  em  turnd  loose  into  that  place, 
whare  the  dispoot  is  settled  accordin  to  the  rules  of  the  Lon- 
don prize  ring.  Sumtimes  thay  abooz  hisself  individooally. 
Thay  hev  pulled  the  most  of  his  hair  out  at  the  roots,  <fe  he 
wares  meny  a  honible  scar  upon  his  body,  inflicted  with  mop- 
liandles,  broom-sticks  and  sich.  Occashunly  they  git  mad* 
k  scald  him  with  bilin  hot  water.  When  he  got  eny  waze 
cranky  thay  'd  shut  him  up  in  a  dark  closit,  previsly  whippin 
him  arter  the  stile  of  muthers  when  thare  orf springs  git  on- 
ruly.  Sumtimes  when  he  went  in  swimmin  thay  'd  go  to  the 
banks  of  the  Lake  &  steal  all  his  close,  thereby  compeUin  him 
to  sneek  home  by  a  sircootius  rowt,  drest  in  the  Skanderlus 
stile  of  the  Greek  Slaiv.  "  I  find  that  the  keers  of  a  marrid 
life  way  hevy  onto  me,"  sed  the  Profit,  *'  k  sumtimes  I  wish 
I'd  remaned  singel."  I  left  the  Profit  and  startid  for  the 
tavern  whare  I  put  up  to.  On  my  way  I  was  overtuk  by  a 
lurge  krowd  of  Mormons,  which  they  surroundid  me,  k  statid 
that  they  were  goin  into  the  Show  free. 

*  A  common  expression  in  the  United  States,  used  in  the  sense  of 
■»fl'*^>  vtxtdy  as  "  I  was  quite  mad,  at  him  ;  *'  "  he  made  me  mad,"^ 


76  A   VISIT  TO  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  ef  I  find  a  individooal  who  is  goin  round 
lettin  folks  into  his  show  free,  I  'II  let  you  know." 

"WeVe  had  a  Kevelashun  biddin  us  go  into  A.  "Ward's 
Show  without  payin  nothin  !"  thay  showtid. 

"  Yes,"  hollered  a  lot  of  femaile  Mormonesses,  ceasin  me  by 
the  cote  tales  &  swingin  me  round  very  rapid,  "  we  're  all  goin 
in  free  !     So  sez  the  Revelashun  ! " 

"What's  Old  Revelashun  got  to  do  with  my  Show?"  sez  I, 
gittin  putty  rily.  "Tell  Mister  Revelashun,"  sed  I,  drawin 
myself  up  to  my  full  hite  and  lookin  round  upon  the  ornery 
krowd  with  a  prowd  &  defiant  mean,  *'  tell  Mister  Revelashun 
to  mind  his  own  bizniss,  subject  only  to  the  Konstitushun  of 
the  Unitid  States  ! " 

"  Oh  now  let  us  in,  that  *s  a  sweet  man,"  sed  several  femails, 
puttin  thare  arms  rownd  me  in  luvin  stile.  "  Becum  1  of  us. 
Becum  a  Freest  <fe  hav  wives  Sealed  to  you." 

"  Not  a  Seal ! "  sez  I,  startin  back  in  horror  at  the  idee. 

"  Oh  stay,  Sir,  stay,"  sed  a  tall,  gawnt  femaile,  ore  whoos  bed 
37  summirs  must  hev  parsd,  "stay,  &  I'll  be  your  Jentle Gazelle." 

"  Not  ef  I  know  it,  you  won't,"  sez  I.  "  Awa  you  skan- 
derlus  femaile,  awa !  Go  &  be  a  Nunnery  ! "  That 's  what  I 
sed,  jes  so. 

"  &  I,"  sed  a  fat,  chunky  femaile,  who  must  hev  wade  more 
than  too  hundred  lbs.,  "  I  will  be  your  sweet  gidin  Star  ! " 

Sez  I,  **  He  bet  two  dollers  and  a  half  you  won't ! "  Whare 
ear  I  may  Rome  He  still  be  troo  2  thee,  Oh  Betsy  Jane! 
[N.B. — Betsy  Jane  is  my  wife's  Sir  naime.] 

"  Wiltist  thou  not  tarry  hear  in  the  Promist  Land  % "  sed 
several  of  the  miserabil  critters. 

"  lie  sse  you  all  essenshally  cussed  be  4  I  wiltist !"  roared  I, 
as  mad  as  I  cood  be  at  thare  infernul  noncents.  I  girdid  up 
my  Lions  &  fled  the  Been.  I  packt  up  my  duds  <fe  left  Salt 
Lake,  which  is  a  2nd  Soddum  &  Germorrer,  inhabitid  by  as 
theavin  &  onprincipled  a  set  of  retchis  as  ever  drew  Breth 
in  eny  spot  on  the  Globe. 


THE  CMNSUS,  17 

THE    CENSUS. 

The  Sences  taker  in  our  town  bein  taken  sick,  he  deppertised 
me  to  go  out  for  him  one  day,  and  as  he  was  too  ill  to  giv  me 
informashun  how  to  perceed,  I  was  consekently  compelled  to 
go  it  blind.  Sittin  down  by  the  road  side,  I  drawd  up  the 
follerin  list  of  questions,  which  I  proposed  to  ax  the  peple  I 
visited  : 

Wat 's  your  age  1 

"Whar  was  you  born  % 

Air  you  marrid,  and  if  so  how  do  you  like  it  ? 

How  many  children  hav  you,  and  do  they  resemble  you  or 
your  nabers  ? 

Did  you  ever  hav  the  measels,  and  if  so  how  many  ? 

Hav  you  a  twin  brother  several  years  older  than  youi'self  ? 

How  many  parents  hav  you  ? 

Do  you  read  Watt's  Hims  regler  ? 

Do  you  use  boughten*  tobacker  % 

Wat 's  your  fitin  wate  ? 

Air  you  trubeld  with  biles  ? 

How  does  yourmeresham  culler  1 

State  whether  you  air  blind,  deaf,  idiotic,  or  got  the  heaves  i  I" 

Do  you  know  any  Opry  singers,  and  if  so  how  much  do  they 
owe  you  1 

What 's  the  average  of  virtoo  on  the  Ery  Canawl  ? 

*  ».«.,  that  which  has  been  bought.  A  very  common  word  in  the  in- 
terior of  New  England  and  New  York.  It  is  applied  to  articles  purchased 
from  the  shops,  to  dintinguish  them  from  articles  of  home  manufacture. 
Many  farmers  make  their  own  sugar  from  the  maple-tree,  and  their  coffee 
from  barley  or  rye.  Wifit  India  sugar  or  coflfee  is  then  called  boughten 
$ugar,  &c.  "  This  is  a  home-made  carpet ;  that  a  boughten  one,"  i.e.,  one 
bought  at  a  shop.  In  the  North  of  England,  baker's  bread  is  called  bought 
IreacL 

t  Wind-troubles  arising  from  a  disordered  stomach.  A  oommon 
Americanism. 


7^  AN  HONEST  LIVING. 

If  4  barrils  of  Emptins  *  pored  onto  a  barn  floor  will  kivei 
it,  how  many  plase  can  Dion  Boureicault  write  in  a  year  ? 

Is  Beans  a  regler  article  of  diet  in  your  family  1 

How  many  chickins  liav  you,  on  foot  and  in  the  shell  ? 

Air  you  aware  that  Injianny  whisky  is  used  in  New  York 
shootin  galrys  instid  of  pistols,  and  that  it  shoots  furthest  1 

Was  you  ever  at  Niagry  Falls  ? 

Was  you  ever  in  the  Penitentiary  1 

State  how  much  pork,  impendin  crysis,  Dutch  cheeze, 
popler  suvrinty,  standard  poetry,  children's  strainers,  slave 
code,  catnip,  red  flannel,  ancient  histry,  pickled  tomaters, 
old  junk,  perfoomery,  coal  ile,  liberty,  hoop  skirt,  <fec.,  you 
hav  on  hand  1 

But  it  didn't  work.  I  got  into  a  row  at  the  fust  house  I 
stopt  to,  with  some  old  maids.  Disbelieven  the  ansers  they 
giv  in  regard  to  their  ages,  I  endevered  to  open  their  mouths 
and  look  at  their  teeth,  same  as  they  do  with  liosses,  but  they 
floo  into  a  vilent  rage  and  tackled  me  with  brooms  and  sich. 
Takin  the  sences  requires  experiunse,  like  any  other  bizniss. 


AN  HONEST  LIVING. 
I  WAS  on  my  way  from  the  mines  to  San  Francisco,  with  a 
light  puss  and  a  hevy  hart.  You'd  scacely  hav  recognized 
my  fair  form,  so  kiverd  was  I  with  dust.  Bimeby  I  met  Old 
Poodles,  the  all-firdist  f  gambler  in  the  country.  He  was 
afoot  and  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  and  was  in  a  wuss  larther  nor 
any  race  hoss  I  ever  saw. 

*  Emptyings,  pronounced  emptins,  the  lees  of  beer,  cider,  &c. ;  yeast, 
or  anything  by  which  bread  is  leavened  : — 

**  'Twill  take  more  emptins,  by  a  long  chalk,  than  this  new  party's  got, 
To  give  such  heavy  cakes  as  these  a  start,  I  tell  ye  what." 

The  BigJow  Papers. 
+  All- fired,  enormous,  excessive,  a  low  Americanism,   not  improbably  a 
puritanical  corruption  of  hell-fired^  designed  to  have  the  virtue  of  an  oath 
without  offending  polite  ears. 


THE  PRESS.  79 

"  Whither  goist  thow,  sweet  nimp  ? "  sez  I,  in  a  play-actin 
tone. 

"To  the  mines,  Sir,"  he  unto  me  did  say,  "to  the  mines, 
id  earn  an  honest  livin" 

Thinks  I  that  air  aint  very  cool,  I  guess,  and  druv  on. 


THE    PRESS. 


I  WANT  the  editers  to  cum  to  my  Show  free  as  the  flours  of 
May,  but  I  don't  want  um  to  ride  a  free  hoss  to  deth.  Thare 
is  times  when  Patience  seizes  to  be  virtoous.  I  hev  "  in  my 
mind's  eye,  Hurrashio  "  (cotashun  from  Hamlick)  sum  editers 
in  a  sertin  town  which  shall  be  nameless,  who  air  Both  sneakin 
and  ornery.  They  cum  in  krowds  to  my  Show,  and  then  axt 
me  ten  sents  a  line  for  Puffs.  I  objectid  to  payin,  but  they 
sed  ef  I  didn't  down  with  the  dust  thay'd  wipe  my  Show 
from  the  face  of  the  earth.  Thay  sed  the  Press  was  the 
Arky median  Leaver  which  moved  the  wurld.  I  put  up  to 
their  extorshuns  until  thay'd  bled  me  so  I  was  a  meer  shadder, 
and  left  in  disgust. 

It  was  in  a  surtin  town  in  Virginny,  the  Muther  of  Presi- 
dents &  things,  that  I  was  shaimfully  aboozed  by  a  editor  in 
human  form.  He  set  my  Show  up  steep,  &  kalled  me  the 
urbane  &  gentlemunly  manajer,  but  when  I,  fur  the  pur- 
puss  of  showin  fair  play  all  around,  went  to  anuther  offiss  to 
git  my  hanbills  printed,  what  duz  this  pussillanermus  editer 
do  but  change  his  toon  &  abooze  me  like  a  Injun.  He  sed 
my  wax  wurks  was  a  humbug,  &  called  me  a  horey-heded 
itinerent  vagabone.  I  thort  at  fust  Ide  poUish  him  orf  ar-lar 
Beneki  Boy,  but  on  reflectin  that  he  cood  poUish  me  much 
wuss  in  his  paper,  I  giv  it  up.  &  I  wood  here  take  occashun 
to  advise  peple  when  thay  run  agin,  as  thay  sumtimes  will, 
tliese  miscrble  papers,  to  not  pay  no  atten^hun  to  um.     Abuv 


8o  EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

all,  don't  assault  a  editer  of  this  kind.  It  only  gives  him  a 
notorosity,  which  is  jest  what  he  wants,  &  don't  do  you  no 
more  good  than  it  wood  to  jump  into  enny  other  mud  puddle. 
Editers  are  generally  fine  men,  but  there  must  be  black  sheep 
in  every  flock. 


EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

DURIN  a  recent  visit  to  New  York  the  undersined  went  to  see 
Edwin  Forrest.  As  I  'm  into  the  moral  show  bizniss  myself,  I 
ginrally  go  to  Barnum's  moral  Museum,  where  only  moral 
peple  air  admitted,  partickly  on  Wednesday  arternoons.  But 
this  time  I  thot  I'd  go  &  see  Ed.  Ed  has  bin  actin  out  on 
the  stage  for  many  years.  There  is  varis  'pinions  about  his 
actin.  Englishmen  ginrally  bleevin  that  he  is  far  superior  to 
Mister  Macready  ;  but  on  one  pint  all  agree,  &  that  is  that  Ed 
draws  like  a  six-ox  team.  Ed  was  actin  at  Niblo's  Garding, 
which  looks  considerable  more  like  a  parster  than  a  garding, 
but  let  that  pars.  I  sot  down  in  the  pit,  took  out  my  spec- 
tacles &  commenced  peroosin  the  evenin's  bill.  The  awjince 
was  all-fired  large,  &  the  boxes  was  full  of  the  elitty  of  New 
York.  Sevral  opery  glasses  was  leveld  at  me  by  Goth  urn's 
fairest  darters,  but  I  didn't  let  on  as  tho  I  noticed  it,  tho 
mebby  I  did  take  out  my  sixteen-dollar  silver  watch  k  brandish 
it  round  more  than  was  necessary.  But  the  best  of  us  has  our 
weaknesses,  &  if  a  man  has  gewelry  let  him  show  it.  As  I 
was  peroosin  the  bill  a  grave  young  man  who  sot  near  me 
axed  me  if  I  'd  ever  seen  Forrest  dance  the  Essence  of  Old 
Virginny  ]  "  He  's  immense  in  that,"  sed  the  young  man. 
"  He  also  does  a  fair  champion  jig,"  the  young  man  continnerd, 
"  but  his  Big  Thing  is  the  Essence  of  Old  Virginny."  Sez  I, 
**  Fair  youth,  do  you  know  what  I  'd  do  with  you  if  you  was 
my  Bun  1 " 


EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO.  8i 

«*  No,"  sez  he. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  I  'd  appint  your  funeral  to-morrow  arter- 
noon  &  the  hor][>s  should  he  ready !  You're  too  smart  to  live 
on  this  yearth."  He  didn't  try  any  more  of  his  capers  on  me. 
But  another  pussylanermuss  individooul,  in  a  red  vest  &  patent 
lether  boots,  told  me  his  name  was  Bill  Astor  &  axed  me  to 
lend  him  50  cents  till  early  in  the  mornin.  I  told  him  I  'd 
probly  send  it  round  to  him  before  he  retired  to  his  virtoous 
couch,  but  if  I  didn't  he  might  look  for  it  next  fall,  as  soon  as 
I  cut  my  corn.  The  Orchestry  was  now  fiddling  with  all  their 
might,  &  as  the  peple  didn't  understan  anything  about  it  they 
applaudid  versifrussly.  Presently  Old  Ed  cum  out.  The  play 
was  Otheller  or  More  of  Veniss.  Otheller  was  writ  by  Wm. 
Shakspeer.  The  scene  is  laid  in  Veniss.  Otheller  was  a  likely 
man  &  was  a  ginral  in  the  Veniss  army.  He  eloped  with  Desde- 
mony,  a  darter  of  the  Hon.  Mister  Brabantio,  who  represented 
one  of  the  back  districks  in  the  Veneshun  legislates  Old 
Brabantio  was  as  mad  as  thunder  at  this  &  tore  round  consi- 
derable, but  finally  cooled  down,  tellin  Otheller,  howsever,  that 
Desdemony  had  come  it  over  her  Par,  &  that  he  had  better 
look  out  or  she'd  come  it  over  him  likewise.  Mr  &  Mrs 
Otheller  git  along  very  comfortable  like  for  a  spell.  She  is 
sweet-tempered  and  luvin — a  nice,  sensible  female,  never  goin 
in  for  he-female  conventions,  green  cotton  umbrellers  and 
pickled  beats.  Otheller  is  a  good  provider  and  thinks  all  the 
world  of  his  wife.  She  has  a  lazy  time  of  it,  the  hired  girl 
doin  all  the  cookin  and  washin.  Desdemony,  in  fact,  don't 
hav  to  git  the  water  to  wash  her  own  hands  with.  But  a  low 
cuss  named  lago,  who  I  bleeve  wants  to  git  Otheller  out  of 
his  snug  government  birth,  now  goes  to  work  &  upsets  the 
Otheller  family  in  the  most  outrajus  stile.  lago  falls  in  with 
a  braneless  youth  named  Roderigo  &  wins  all  his  money  at 
poker.  (lago  allers  played  foul.)  He  thus  got  money  enuif 
to  carry  out  his  onprincipled  skeem.  Mike  Cassio,  a  Irish- 
man, is  selected  as  a  tool  by  lago.     Mike  was  a  clever  feller  <& 

V 


82  EDWIN  FORREST  AS  OTHELLO. 

^ 

orficer  in  Otheller's  army.  He  liked  his  tods*  too  well,  hows 
ever,  &  they  floored  him,  as  they  have  many  other  promisin 
young  men.  •  lago  injuces  Mike  to  drink  with  him,  lago  slyly 
throwin  his  whisky  over  his  shoulder.  Mike  gits  as  drunk  as 
a  biled  owl,  &  allows  that  he  can  lick  a  yard  full  of  the  Vene- 
shun  fancy  before  breakfast,  without  sweatin  a  hair.  He 
meets  Roderigo  and  proceeds  for  to  smash  him.  A  feller 
named  Montano  undertakes  to  slap  Cassio,  when  that  infa- 
tooated  person  runs  his  sword  into  him.  That  miserable  man, 
lago,  pretents  to  be  very  sorry  to  see  Mike  conduck  hisself  in 
this  way,  &  undertakes  to  smooth  the  thing  over  to  Otheller, 
who  rushes  in  with  a  drawn  sword  &  wants  to  know  what's 
up.  lago  cunninly  tells  his  story,  &  Otheller  tells  Mike  that 
he  thinks  a  good  deal  of  him,  but  he  can't  train  no  more  in 
his  regiment.  Desdemony  sympathises  with  poor  Mike  & 
interceeds  for  him  with  Otheller.  lago  mages  him  bleeve  she 
does  this  because  she  thinks  more  of  Mike  than  she  does  of 
hisself.  Otheller  swallers  lago's  lyin  tail  &  goes  to  makin  a 
noosence  of  hisself  ginrally.  He  worries  poor  Desdemony 
terrible  by  his  vile  insinuations  &  finally  smothers  her  to 
deth  with  a  piller.  Mrs  lago  cums  in  just  as  Otheller  has 
^nished  the  fowl  deed  and  givs  him  fits  right  &  left,  showin 
him  that  he  has  bin  orfully  gulled  by  her  miserble  cuss  of  a 
husband.  lago  cums  in,  &  his  wife  commences  rakin  him 
down  also,  when  he  stabs  her.  Otheller  jaws  him  a  spell  & 
then  cuts  a  small  hole  in  his  stummick  with  his  sword.  lago 
pints  to  Desdemony's  deth  bed  &  goes  orf  with  a  sardonic 
smile  onto  his  countenance.  Otheller  tells  the  peple  that  he 
has  dun  the  state  sum  service  &  they  know  it :  axes  them  to 
do  as  fair  a  thing  as  they  can  for  him  under  the  circumstances, 
&  kills  hisself  with  a  fish-knife,  which  is  the  most  sensible 
thing  he  can  do.  This  is  a  breef  skedule  of  the  synopsis  of 
the  play. 
Edwin  Forrest  is  a  grate  acter.    I  thot  I  saw  Otheller  before 

•  Contraction  of  tndcly.     See  foot-note,  p.  37. 


SHOIV  BUSINESS  AND  POPULAR  LECTURES.    83 

me  all  the  time  he  was  actin,  &  when  the  curtin  fell,  I  found 
my  spectacles  was  still  mistened  with  salt-water,  which  had 
run  from  my  eyes  while  poor  Desdemony  was  dyin.  Betsy 
Jane — Betsy  Jane  !  let  us  pray  that  our  domestic  bliss  may 
never  be  busted  up  by  a  lago  ! 

Edwin  Forrest  makes  money  actin  out  on  the  stage.  He 
gits  five  hundred  dollars  a  nite  &  his  board  &  washin.  I  wish 
1  had  such  a  Forrest  in  my  Garding ! 


THE  SHOW  BUSINESS  AND  POPULAR  LECTURES.* 

I  FEEL  that  the  Show  Bizniss,  which  Ive  stroven  to  orny- 
ment,  is  bein  usurpt  by  Poplar  Lecturs,  as  thay  air  kalle<l, 
the  in  my  pinion  thay  air  poplar  humbugs.  Individooals  who 
git  hard  up  embark  in  the  lecturin  bizniss.  Thay  cram  their- 
selves  with  hi  soundin  frazis,  frizzle  up  their  hare,  git  trustid 
for  a  soot  of  black  close,  &  cum  out  to  lectur  at  50  dollers  a 
pop.  Thay  aint  over  stockt  with  branes,  but  thay  hav  brass 
enuflf  to  make  suffishunt  kittles  to  bile  all  the  sope  that  will 
be  required  by  the  ensooin  sixteen  ginerashuns.  Peple  flock 
to  heer  um  in  krowds.  The  men  go  becawz  its  poplar,  &  the 
wimin  folks  go  to  see  what  other  wimin  folks  have  on.  When 
its  over  the  lecturer  goze  &  regales  hisself  with  oysters  and 
sich,  while  the  peple  say,  "  What  a  charmin  lectur  that  air 
was,"  etsettery  etsettery,  when  9  out  of  10  of  um  don't  have 
no  moore  idee  of  what  the  lecturer  sed  than  my  kangeroo  has 
of  the  sevunth  speer  of  hevun.  Thare  's  moore  infurmashun 
to  be  gut  out  of  a  well  conductid  noospaper — price  3  sents — 
than  thare  is  out  of  ten  poplar  lectures  at  25  or  50  dollers  a 
pop,  as  the  kase  may  be.  These  same  peple,  bare  in  mind, 
stick  up  their  nosis  at  moral  wax  figgers  &  sagashus  beeste 

*  It  18  proper  to  say  that  Mr  Ward  baa  recently  found  occasion  tc 
cLaitge  liiii  mind  on  this  subject. 


84  WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. 

Tliay  say  these  things  is  low.  Gents,  it  greeves  my  hart  in 
my  old  age,  when  I'm  in  "the  Sheer  &  yeller  leef"  (to  cote 
frum  my  Irish  frend  Mister  McBeth)  to  see  that  the  Show 
bizniss  is  pritty  much  plade  out,  howsomever  I  shall  chance  it 
agane  in  the  Spring. 


WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. 

I  PITCHT  my  tent  in  a  small  town  in  Injianny  one  day  last 
seeson,  &  while  I  was  standin  at  the  dore  takin  money,  a 
deppytashun  of  ladies  came  up  &  sed  they  wos  members  of  the 
Bunkumville  Female  Moral  Eeformin  &  Wimin's  Eite's  Asso- 
ciashun,  and  thay  axed  me  if  they  cood  go  in  without  payin. 

"  Not  exactly,"  sez  I,  "  but  you  can  pay  without  goin  in." 

"  Dew  you  know  who  we  air  ?"  sed  one  of  the  wimin — a 
tall  and  feroshus  lookin  critter,  with  a  blew  kotton  umbrellei 
under  her  arm — "  do  you  know  who  we  air.  Sir  ]" 

"  My  impreshun  is,"  sed  I,  "  from  a  kersery  view,  that  you 
air  females." 

"  We  air,  Sur,"  said  the  feroshus  woman — "  we  belong  to  a 
Society  whitch  beleeves  wimin  has  rites — which  beleeves  in 
razin  her  to  her  proper  speer — whitch  beleeves  she  is  indowed 
with  as  much  intelleck  as  man  is — whitch  beleeves  she  is 
trampled  on  and  aboozed — &  who  will  resist  henso4th  &  for- 
ever the  incroachments  of  proud  &  domineering  men." 

Durin  her  discourse,  the  exsentric  female  grabed  me  by 
the  coat-kollor  &  was  swinging  her  umbreller  wildly  over 
my  hed. 

"  I  hope,  marm,"  sez  I,  starting  back,  "  that  your  intensions 
is  honorable?  I'm  a  lone  man  hear  in  a  strange  place. 
Besides,  Ive  a  wife  to  hum." 

"  Yes,"  cried  the  female,  "  &  she 's  a  slave  !  Doth  she  never 
dream  of  freedom—  doth  she  never  think  of  thro  win  of  the 


WOMAN'S  RTGH'i''S.  85 

yoke  of  tyrrimiy  &  thinkin  &  votin  for  herself? — Doth  she 
never  think  of  these  here  things  ?" 

"  Not  bein  a  natral  born  fool,"  sed  I,  by  this  time  a  little 
riled,  "  I  kin  safely  say  that  she  dothunt." 

*' 0  whot — whot!"  screamed  the  female,  swingin  her  nm- 
breller  in  the  air — "  0,  what  is  the  price  that  woman  pays  for 
her  expeeriunce ! " 

"  I  don't  know,"  sez  I;  "  the  price  to  my  show  is  15  cents 
pur  individooal." 

"&  can't  our  Sosiety  go  in  free?"  asked  the  female. 

"  Not  if  I  know  it,"  sed  I. 

"Crooil,  crooil  man  !"  she  cried,  &  bust  into  teers. 

"Won't  you  let  ray  darter  in  ?"  sed  anuther  of  the  exsentrio 
wimin,  taken  me  afeckshunitely  by  the  hand.  "  0,  please  let 
my  darter  in — sliee  's  a  sweet  gushin  child  of  natur." 

"  Let  her  gush  !"  roared  I,  as  mad  as  I  cood  stick  at  their 
tarnal  nonsense ;  "  let  her  gush !"  Whereupon  they  all  sprung 
back  with  the  simultanious  observashun  that  I  was  a  Beest. 

"My  female  frends,"  sed  I,  "be4  you  leeve,  Ive  a  few 
remarks  to  remark ;  wa  them  well.  The  female  woman  is  one 
of  the  greatest  institooshuns  of  which  this  land  can  boste. 
It 's  onpossible  to  get  along  without  her.  Had  there  bin  no 
female  wimin  in  the  world,  I  should  scacely  be  here  with  my 
unparalleld  show  on  this  very  occashun.  She  is  good  in  sick- 
ness— good  in  wellness — good  all  the  time.  0,  woman, 
woman !"  I  cried,  my  feelins  worked  up  to  a  hi  poetick 
pitch,  *'  you  air  a  angle  when  you  behave  yourself ;  but  when 
you  take  off  your  proper  appairel  &  (mettyforically  speaken) — 
get  into  pantyloons — when  you  desert  your  firesides,  &  with 
your  beds  full  of  wimin's  rites  noshuns  go  round  like  roarin 
lyons,  seekin  whom  you  may  devour  someboddy — in  short, 
when  you  undertake  to  play  the  man,  you  play  the  devil  and 
air  an  emfatic  noosance.  My  female  friends,"  I  continnered, 
as  they  were  indignantly  departin,  "  wa  well  what  A.  Ward 
has  sed  V* 


86  ON'' FORTS r 

WOULD-BE  SEA  DOGS. 

Sum  of  the  captings  on  the  Upper  Ohio  Eiver  put  on  a  hscp 
of  airs.  To  hear  'em  git  orf  saler  lingo  you  'd  spose  they  'd 
bin  on  the  briny  Deep  for  a  life  time,  when  the  fact  is  they 
haint  tasted  salt  water  since  they  was  infants,  when  they  had 
to  take  it  for  worms.  Still  they  air  good  natered  fellers,  and 
when  they  drink  they  take  a  dose  big  enuff  for  a  grown  person. 


ON  "FORTS.'' 


Every  man  has  got  a  Fort.  It 's  sum  men's  fort  to  do  one 
thing,  and  sum  other  men's  fort  to  do  another,  while  there  is 
numeris  shiftliss  critters  goin  round  loose  whose  fort  is  not  to 
do  nothin. 

Shakspeer  rote  good  plase,  but  he  wouldn't  hav  succeeded 
as  a  Washington  correspondent  of  a  New  York  daily  paper. 
He  lackt  the  rekesit  fancy  and  imagginashun. 

That's  so! 

Old  George  Washington's  Fort  was  to  not  hev  eny  public 
/nan  of  the  present  day  resemble  him  to  eny  alarmin  extent. 
Whare  bowts  can  George's  ekal  be  fownd  ?  I  ask,  &  boldly 
anser  no  whares,  or  eny  whare  else. 

Old  man  Townsin's*  Fort  was  to  maik  Sassyperiller.  "Goy 
to  the  world  !  anuther  life  saived  ! "  (Cotashun  from  Town- 
sin's  advertisemunt.) 

Cyrus  Field's  Fort  is  to  lay  a  sub-machine  tellegraf  under 
the  boundin  billers  of  the  Oshun,  and  then  hev  it  Bust. 

Spaldin's  Fort  is  to  maik  Prepared  Gloo,  which  mends 
everything.  Wonder  ef  it  will  mend  a  sinner's  wickid  waze  ? 
(Impromptoo  goak.) 

*  ** Old"  Dr  Jacob  Townshend,  the  Morrison  of  America,  whose  sarsa- 
parilla  is  sold  at  almost  every  "  store  "  throughout  the  country.  A  branch 
oetablishment,  and  a  rival,  have  for  some  years  been  located  here  in  the 
Strand^  under  the  shadow  of  Exeter  Hall. 


GN  "FORTS.**  87 

Zoary's  Fort  is  to  be  a  femaile  circus  feller. 

My  Fort  is  the  grate  moral  show  bizni^s  &  ritin  choice 
famerly  literatoor  for  the  noospapers.  That's  what's  the 
matter  with  me. 

&c.,  &c.,  &c.     So  I  mite  go  on  to  a  indefnit  extent. 

Twict  I've  endeverd  to  do  things  which  thay  wasn't  my 
Fort.  The  fust  time  was  when  I  undertuk  to  lik  a  owdashus 
cuss  who  cut  a  hole  in  my  tent  &  krawld  threw.  Sez  I,  "  My 
jentle  Sir,  go  out  or  I  shall  fall  onto  you  putty  hevy."  Sez  he, 
"  Wade  in.  Old  wax  figgers,"  whareupon  I  went  for  him,  but 
he  cawt  me  powerful  on  the  hed  &  knockt  me  threw  the  tent 
into  a  cow  pastur.  He  pursood  the  attack  &  flung  me  into  a 
mud  puddle.  As  I  aroze  &  rung  out  my  drencht  garmints,  I 
koncluded  fitin  wasn't  my  Fort.  He  now  rize  the  kurtin  upon 
Seen  2nd :  It  is  rarely  seldum  that  I  seek  consolation  in  the 
Flowin  Bole.  But  in  a  sertin  town  in  Injianny  in  the  Faul 
of  18 — ,  my  orgin  grinder  got  sick  with  the  fever  &  died. 
I  never  felt  so  ashamed  in  my  life,  &  I  thowt  I  'd  hist  in  a 
few  swallers  of  suthin  strengthin.  Konsequents  was  I  histid 
in  so  much  I  dident  zackly  know  whare  bowts  I  was.  I 
turnd  my  livin  wild  beests  of  Pray  loose  into  the  streets  and 
spilt  all  my  wax  wurks.  I  then  Bet  I  cood  play  boss.  So  I 
hitched  myself  to  a  Kanawl  bote,  there  bein  two  other  bosses 
hitcht  oa  also,  one  behind  and  anuther  ahead  of  me.  The 
driver  hollerd  for  us  to  git  up,  and  we  did.  But  the  bosses 
beinonused  to  sich  a  arran gem unt  begun  to  kick  &  squeal  and 
rair  up.  Konsequents  was  I  was  kickt  vilently  in  the  stum- 
muck  Sz  back,  and  presuntly  I  fownd  myself  in  the  Kanawl 
with  the  other  bosses,  kickin  &  yellin  like  a  tribe  of  Cuss- 
caroorus  sawijis.  I  was  rescood,  &  as  I  was  bein  carrid  to 
the  tavern  on  a  hemlock  Bored  I  sed  in  a  feeble  voise,  "Boys, 
playin  boss  isn't  my  Fort." 

MoRUL — Never  don't  do  nothin  which  isn't  your  Fort,  for 
ef  you  do  you  '11  find  yourself  splashin  round  in  the  Kanawl, 
figgeratively  speakin. 


88  PICCOLOMINL 

PICCOLOMINI. 

Gents, — I  arroved  in  Cleveland  on  Saturday  P.M.  from 
Baldinsville  jest  in  time  to  fix  myself  up  and  put  on  a  clean 
biled  rag  to  attend  Miss  Picklehomony's  grate  musical  sorry 
at  the  Melodeon.  The  krowds  which  pored  into  the  hall 
augured  well  for  the  show  bizniss,  &  with  cheerful  sperrets  I 
jined  the  enthoosiastic  throng.  I  asked  Mr  Strakhosh  at  the 
door  if  he  parst  the  perfession,  and  he  said  not  much  he 
didn't,  whereupon  I  bawt  a  preserved  seat  in  the  pit,  &  ob- 
sarving  to  Mr  Strakhosh  that  he  needn't  put  on  so  many 
French  airs  becawz  he  run  with  a  big  show,  and  that  he  'd 
better  let  his  weskut  out  a  few  inches  or  perhaps  he  'd  bust 
hisself  some  fine  day,  I  went  in  and  squatted  down.  It  was 
a  sad  thawt  to  think  that  in  all  that  vast  aujience  Scacely  a 
Sole  had  the  honor  of  my  acquaintance.  "  k  this  ere,"  sed  I 
Bitturly,  **  is  Fame  !  What  sigerfy  my  wax  figgers  and  livin 
wild  beasts  (which  have  no  ekels)  to  these  peple  %  What  do 
thay  care  becawz  a  site  of  my  Kangeroo  is  worth  dubble  the 
price  of  admission,  and  that  my  Snakes  is  as  harmlis  as  the 
new  born  babe — all  of  which  is  strictly  troo  ? "  I  should  have 
gone  on  ralein  at  Fortin  and  things  sum  more,  but  jest  then 
Signer  Maccarony  cum  out  and  sung  a  hairey  from  some  opry 
or  other.  He  had  on  his  store  close  &  looked  putty  slick,  I 
must  say.  Nobody  didn't  understand  nothin  abowt  what  he 
sed,  and  so  they  applawdid  him  versiferusly.  Then  Signer 
Brignoly  cum  out  and  sung  another  hairey.  He  appeared  to 
be  in  a  Pensiv  Mood  &  sung  a  Luv  song  I  suppose,  tho  he 
may  have  been  cussin  the  aujince  all  into  a  heep  for  aut  I 
knewd.  Then  cum  Mr  Maccarony  agin  and  Miss  Pickle- 
homony  herself.     Thay  sang  a  Doit  together. 

Now  you  know,  gents,  that  I  don't  admire  opry  music. 
But  I  like  Miss  Picklehomony's  stile.  I  like  her  gate.  She 
suits  me.  There  has  bin  grater  singers  and  there  has  bin  more 
bootiful  wimin,  but  no  more  fassinatin  young  female  ever 


PICCOLOMINI.  89 

longed  for  a  new  gown  or  side  to  place  her  bed  agin  a  vest 
pattern  than  Maria  Picklehomony.  Fassinatin  peple  is  her 
best  holt.  She  was  bom  to  make  hash  of  men's  buzzums  & 
other  wimin  mad  becawz  thay  ain't  Picklehomonies.  Her  face 
sparkles  with  amuzin  cussedness  &  about  200  (two  hundred) 
little  bit  of  funny  devils  air  continually  dancing  champion  jigs 
in  her  eyes,  said  eyes  bein  brite  enuflf  to  lite  a  pipe  by.  How 
I  shood  like  to  have  little  Maria  out  on  my  farm  in  Baldins- 
ville,  Injianny,  whare  she  cood  run  in  the  tall  grass,  wrastle 
with  the  boys,  cut  up  strong  at  parin  bees,  make  up  faces 
behind  the  minister's  back,  tie  auction  bills  to  the  skoolmaster's 
coat-tales,  set  all  the  fellers  crazy  after  her,  &  holler  &  kick 
up,  &  go  it  just  as  much  as  she  wanted  to  !  But  I  diegress. 
Every  time  she  cum  canterin  out  I  grew  more  and  more  de- 
lighted with  her.  When  she  bowed  her  hed  I  bowed  mine. 
When  she  powtid  her  lips  I  powtid  mine.  When  she  larfed 
I  larfed.  When  she  jerked  her  hed  back  and  took  a  larfin 
survey  of  the  aujience,  sendin  a  broadside  of  sassy  smiles  in 
among  em,  I  tried  to  unjint  myself  &  koUapse.  When,  in 
tellin  how  she  drempt  she  lived  in  Marble  Halls,  she  sed  it 
tickled  her  more  than  all  the  rest  to  dream  she  loved  her  feller 
still  the  same,  I  made  a  effort  to  swaller  myself ;  but  when, 
in  the  next  song,  she  look  strate  at  me  &  called  me  her  Dear, 
I  wildly  told  the  man  next  to  me  he  mite  hav  my  close,  as  I 
shood  never  want  'em  again  no  more  in  this  world.  [The 
Flain  Dealer  *  containin  this  communicashun  is  not  to  be  sent 
to  my  famerly  in  Baldinsville  under  no  circumstances  what- 
soraever.] 

In  conclushun,  Maria,  I  want  you  to  do  well.  I  know  you 
air  a  nice  gal  at  hart  &  you  must  get  a  good  husband.  He 
must  be  a  man  of  branes  and  gumpshun  &  a  good  provider — 
a  man  who  will  luv  you  strong  and  long — a  man  who  will  luv 
you  jest  as  much  in  your  old  age,  when  your  voice  is  cracked 

*  The  Cleveland  Plain  Dealer,  a  well-known  Ohio  newspaper,  to  which 
Mr  Artemus  Ward  wishes  us  to  understand  he  contributed. 


90  LITTLE  PATTL 

like  an  old  tea  kittle  &  you  can't  get  1  of  your  notes  dis- 
counted at  50  per  sent  a  month,  as  he  will  now,  when  you  are 
young  &  charmin  <fe  full  of  music,  sunshine  &  fun.  Don't 
marry  a  snob,  Maria.  You  ain't  a  Angel,  Maria,  &  I  am  glad 
of  it.  When  I  see  angels  in  pettycoats  I  'm  always  sorry  they 
hain't  got  wings  so  they  kin  quietly  fly  off  whare  thay 
will  be  appreshiated.  You  air  a  woman,  &  a  mity  good  one 
too.  As  for  Maccarony,  Brignoly,  Mullenholler,  and  them 
other  fellers,  they  can  take  care  of  theirselves.  Old  Mac.  kin 
make  a  comfortable  livin  choppin  cord  wood*  if  his  voice  ever 
givs  out,  and  Amodio  looks  as  tho  he  mite  succeed  in  conductin 
sum  quiet  toll  gate,  whare  the  vittles  would  be  plenty  &  the 
labor  lite. 

I  am  preparin  for  the  Summer  Campane.  I  shall  stay  in 
Cleveland  a  few  days  and  probly  you  will  hear  from  me  again 
ear  I  leave  to  once  more  becum  a  tosser  on  life's  tempestuous 
billers,  meanin  the  Show  Bizniss. — Very  Eespectively  Yours, 

Artemus  Ward. 


LITTLE    PATTL 


The  moosic  which  Ime  most  use  to  is  the  inspirin  stranes  of 
the  hand  orgin.  I  hire  a  artistic  Italyun  to  grind  fur  me,  payin 
him  his  vittles  &  close,  &  I  spose  it  was  them  stranes  which 
fust  put  a  moosical  taste  into  me.  Like  al]  furriners,  he  had 
seen  better  dase,  havin  formerly  been  a  Kount.  But  he  aint 
of  much  akount  now,  except  to  turn  the  orgin  and  drink  Beer, 
of  which  bevrige  he  can  hold  a  churnful,  easy. 

Miss  Patty  is  small  for  her  size,  but  as  the  man  sed  abowt 
his  wife,  0  Lord  !     She  is  well  bilt  &  her  complexion  is  what 

*  The  common  fire- wood  of  the  United  States,  split  np  in  lengths  of 
four  feet,  and  arranged  in  stacks  (for  purchase  or  sale)  eight  feet  long,  four 
high,  and  four  broad.  "With  the  vulgar  crowd  this  wood  chopping  is  the 
dei'nter  regsort  for  a  livelihood. 


LITTLE  PATTI.  0i 

might  be  called  a  Broonetty.  Her  ize  is  a  dark  bay,  the  lashea 
bein  long  &  silky.  When  she  smiles  the  awjince  feels  like 
axing  her  to  doo  it  sum  moor,  &  to  continner  doin  it  2  a 
indefnit  extent.  Her  waste  is  one  of  the  most  bootiful  wastisis 
ever  seen.  When  Mister  Strackhorse  led  her  out  I  thawt 
sum  pretty  skool  gal,  who  had  jest  graduatid  frum  pantalets 
&  wire  hoops,  was  a  cumin  out  to  read  her  fust  composishun 
in  public.  She  cum  so  bashful  like,  with  her  hed  bowd  down, 
&  made  sich  a  effort  to  arrange  her  lips  so  thayd  look  pretty, 
that  I  wanted  to  swaller  her.  She  reminded  me  of  Susan 
Skinner,  who  'd  never  kiss  the  boys  at  parin  bees  till  the 
candles  was  blow'd  out.  Miss  Patty  sung  suthin  or  ruther  iu 
a  furrin  tung.  I  don't  know  what  the  sentimunts  was.  Fur 
awt  I  know  she  may  hav  bin  denouncin  my  wax  figgers  & 
sagashus  wild  beests  of  Pray,  &  I  don't  much  keer  ef  she  did. 
When  she  opened  her  mowth  a  army  of  martingales,  bobolinks, 
kanarys,  swallers,  mockin  birds,  etsettery,  bust  4th  &  flew  all 
over  the  Haul. 

Go  it,  little  1,  sez  I  to  myself,  in  a  hily  exsited  frame  of 
mind,  &  ef  that  kount  or  royal  duke  which  you  '11  be  pretty 
apt  to  many  1  of  these  dase  don't  do  the  fair  thing  by  ye,  yu 
kin  always  hav  a  home  on  A.  Ward's  farm,  near  Baldinsville, 
Injianny.  When  she  sung  Cumin  threw  the  Rye,  and  spoke 
of  that  Swayne  she  deerly  luvd  herself  individooully,  I  didn't 
wish  I  was  that  air  Swayne.  No  I  gess  not.  Oh  certainly 
not.  [This  is  Ironical.  I  don't  meen  this.  It's  a  way  I  hav 
of  goakin.]  Now  that  Maria  Picklehominy  has  got  married  Sz 
left  the  perfeshun,  Adeliny  Patty  is  the  championess  of  the 
opery  ring.  She  karries  the  Belt.  Thar's  no  draw  fite 
about  it.  Other  primy  donnys  may  as  well  throw  up  the 
spunge  first  as  last.  My  eyes  don't  deceive  my  earsite  in  this 
matter. 

But  Miss  Patty  orter  sing  in  the  Inglish  tung.  As  she  kin 
do  so  as  well  as  she  kin  in  Italyun,  why  under  the  Son  don't 
she  do  it  1    What  cents  is  thare  in  singin  wurds  nobody  don't 


92  MOSES,  THE  SASSY; 

understan  when  wurds  we  do  understan  is  jest  as  handy 
Why  peple  will  versifferusly  applawd  furrin  langwidge  is  a 
mistery.  It  reminds  me  of  a  man  I  onct  knew.  He  sed  he 
knockt  the  bottum  out  of  his  pork  Barril,  &  the  pork  fell  out, 
but  the  Brine  dident  moove  a  inch.  It  stade  in  the  Barril. 
He  sed  this  was  a  Mistery,  but  it  wasn't  misterior  than  is  this 
thing  I  'm  speekin  of. 

As  fur  Brignoly,  Ferri  and  Junky,  they  air  dowtless  grate, 
but  I  think  sich  able  boddied  men  wood  look  better  tillin  the 
sile  than  dressin  theirselves  up  in  black  close  &  white  kid 
gluvs  &  shoutin  in  a  furrin  tung.  Mister  Junky  is  a  noble 
lookin  old  man,  &  orter  lead  armies  on  to  Battel  instid  of 
shoutin  in  a  furrin  tung. 

Adoo.  In  the  langwidge  of  Lewis  Napoleon  when  receivin 
kumpany  at  his  pallis  on  the  BuUyvards,  "  I  saloot  yn." 


MOSES,  THE  SASSY;  OR,  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE. 

CHAPTER  I. — ELIZY. 

My  story  opens  in  the  classic  presinks  of  Bostin.  In  the 
parler  of  a  bloated  aristocratic  mansion  on  Bacon  Street  sits  a 
luvly  young  lady,  whose  hair  is  cuverd  ore  with  the  frosts  of 
between  17  Summers.  She  has  just  sot  down  to  the  piany, 
and  is  warblin  the  popler  ballad  called  "  Smells  of  the  Notion," 
in  which  she  tells  how,  with  pensiv  thought,  she  wandered  by 
a  C  beat  shore.  The  son  is  settin  in  its  horizon,  and  its  gorjus 
light  pores  in  a  golden  meller  flud  through  the  winders,  anc' 
makes  the  young  lady  twict  as  beautiful  nor  what  she  was 
before,  which  is  onnecessary.  She  is  magnificently  dressed  up 
in  a  Berage  basque,  with  poplin  trimmins.  More  Antique,  Ball 
Morals  and  3  ply  carpeting.  Also,  considerable  gauze.  Her 
dress  contains  16  flounders  and  her  shoes  is  red  morocker, 


OR,  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE.  93 

«vith  gold  spangles  onto  them.  Presently  she  jumps  up  with 
a  wild  snort,  and  pressin  her  hands  to  her  brow,  she  exclaims, 
**  Methinks  I  see  a  voice  !  " 

A  noble  youth  of  27  summers  enters.  He  is  attired  in  a 
red  shirt  and  black  trowsis,  wMch  last  air  turned  up  over  his 
boots ;  his  hat,  which  it  is  a  plug,  being  cockt  onto  one  side 
of  his  classical  hed.  In  sooth,  he  was  a  heroic  lookin  person, 
with  a  fine  shape.  Grease,  in  its  barmiest  days,  near  projuced 
a  more  hefty  cavileer.  Gazin  upon  him  admirinly  for  a 
spell,  Elizy  (for  that  was  her  name)  organised  herself  into  a 
tabloo,  and  stated  as  foUers  : 

"  Ha !  do  me  eyes  deceive  me  earsight  ?  Is  it  some 
dreams?  No,  1  reckon  not !  That  frame  !  them  store  close  ] 
those  nose  !     Yes,  it  is  me  own,  me  only  Moses  !  " 

He  (Moses)  folded  her  to  his  hart,  with  the  remark  that  he 
was  "  a  hunkey  boy." 

CHAPTER  II.— WAS  MOSES  OF  NOBLE  BIRTH  % 

Moses  was  foreman  of  Engine  Co.  No.  40.  Forty's  fellers 
had  just  bin  havin  an  annual  reunion  with  Fifty's  fellers,  on 
the  day  I  introjuce  Moses  to  my  readers,  and  Moses  had  liis 
arms  full  of  trofees,  to  wit :  4  scalps,  5  eyes,  3  fingers,  7  ears 
(which  he  chawed  ofi'),  and  several  half  and  quarter  sections 
of  noses.  When  the  fair  Elizy  recovered  from  her  delight  at 
meetin  Moses,  she  said — "  How  hast  the  battle  gonest  1  Tell 
me!" 

"  We  chawed  'em  up — that 's  what  we  did  ! "  said  the  bold 
Moses. 

"I  thank  the  gods!"  sed  the  fair  Elizy.  "Thou  didst 
excellent  well.  And,  Moses,"  she  continnered,  laying  her  hed 
confidinly  agin  his  weskit,  "  dost  know  I  sumtimes  think  thou 
istest  of  noble  birth  ? " 

"No!"  said  he,  wildly  fcetchin  hold  of  hisself.  "You 
don't  say  so." 


94  MOSES,  THE  SASSY; 

"  Indeed  do  1 1  Your  dead  grandfather's  sperrit  comesfc  to 
me  the  tother  night." 

"  Oh  no,  I  guess  it 's  a  mistake,"  sed  Moses. 

"  I  '11  bet  two  dollars  and  a  quarter  he  did  !  "  replied  Elizy 
"  He  said,  '  Moses  is  a  Disguised  Juke  ! ' " 

"  You  mean  Duke,"  said  Moses. 

"  Dost  not  the  actors  all  call  it  Juke  !  "  said  she. 

That  settled  the  matter. 

*'  I  hav  thought  of  this  thing  afore,"  said  Moses,  ab- 
stractedly. "  If  it  is  so,  then  thus  it  must  be  !  2  B  or  not 
2  B  !  Which  1  Sow,  sow  !  But  enujff.  0  life  !  life  \—you  're 
too  many  for  me  ! "  He  tore  out  some  of  his  pretty  yeller  hair, 
stampt  on  the  floor  sevril  times,  and  was  gone. 

CHAPTER  III. — THE  PIRUT  FOH^ED. 

Sixteen  long  and  weary  years  has  elapst  since  the  seens 
narrated  in  the  last  chapter  took  place.  A  noble  ship,  the 
Sary  Jane,  is  a  sailin  from  France  to  Ameriky  via  the  Wabasli 
Canal.  A  pirut  ship  is  in  hot  pursoot  of  the  Sary.  The 
pirut  capting  isn't  a  man  of  much  principle,  and  intends  to 
kill  all  the  people  on  bored  the  Sary  and  confiscate  the 
wallerbles.  The  capting  of  the  S.  J.  is  on  the  pint  of  givin 
in,  when  a  fine  lookin  feller  in  russet  boots  and  a  buffalo  over- 
coat rushes  forored  and  obsarves  : 

"  Old  man  !  go  down  stairs  !  Ketiro  to  the  starbud  bulk- 
hed  !     I  '11  take  charge  of  this  Bote  !  " 

"  Ov/'dashus  cuss  ! "  yelled  the  capting,  "  away  with  thee  or 
I  shall  do  mur-rer-der-r-r  ! " 

"  Skurcely,"  obsarved  the  stranger,  and  he  drew  a  diamond- 
hilted  fish-knife  and  cut  orf  the  cap  ting's  hed.  He  expired 
shortly,  his  last  words  bein,  "  We  are  governed  too  much." 

"  People  !  "  sed  the  stranger,  "  I  'm  the  Juke  d'Moses  !  " 

"  Old  boss  !"  sed  a  passenger,  "methinks  thou  art  blowin  !** 
whareupon  the  Juke  cut  orf  his  hed  also. 


OR,  THE  DISGUISED  DUKE,  ()5 

"  Oh  that  I  should  live  to  see  myself  a  ded  body  !"  screamed 
the  unfortnit  man.  "  But  don't  print  any  verses  about  my 
deth  in  the  news2)apers,  for  if  you  do  I  '11  haunt  ye  !  " 

"  People  !  "  said  the  Juke,  "  I  alone  can  save  you  from  yon 
bloody  pirut !  Ho  !  a  peck  of  oats  !  "  The  oats  was  brought 
and  the  Juke,  boldly  mountin  the  jibpoop,  throwed  them  onto 
the  towpath.  The  pirut  rapidly  approached,  chucklin  with 
fiendish  delight  at  the  idee  of  increasin  his  ill-gotten  gains. 
But  the  leadin  boss  of  the  pirut  ship  stopt  suddent  on  comin 
to  the  oats,  and  commenst  for  to  devour  them.  In  vain  the 
piruts  swore  and  throwd  stones  and  bottles  at  the  boss — he 
wouldn't  budge  a  inch.  Meanwhile  the  Sary  Jane,  her  bosses 
on  the  full  jump,  was  fast  leavin  the  pirut  ship  ! 

"  Onct  agin  do  I  escape  deth  ! "  said  the  Juke  between  his 
clencht  teeth,  still  on  the  jibpoop. 


CHAPTER  rV. — THE  WANDERER'S  RETURN. 

The  Juke  was  Moses  the  Sasy  !     Yes,  it  was  ! 

He  had  bin  to  France,  and  now  he  was  home  agin  in  Bostin, 
which  gave  birth  to  a  Bunker  Hill !  !  He  had  some  trouble 
in  gitting  hisself  acknowledged  as  Juke  in  France,  as  the 
Orleans  Dienasty  and  Borebones  were  fernest  him,  but  he 
finally  conkered.  Elizy  knowd  him  right  off,  as  one  of  his 
ears  and  a  part  of  his  nose  had  bin  chawed  off  in  his  fights 
with  opposition  firemen  durin  boyhood's  sunny  hours.  They 
lived  to  a  green  old  age,  beloved  by  all,  both  grate  and  small. 
Their  children,  of  which  they  have  numerous,  often  go  up  onto 
the  Common  and  see  the  Fountain  squirt. 

This  is  my  1st  attempt  at  writin  a  Tail,  &  it  is  far  from  bein 
perfeck ;  but  if  I  have  indoosed  folks  to  see  that  in  9  cases  out 
of  10  they  can  either  make  Life  as  barren  as  the  Dessert  of 
Sarah,  or  as  joyyus  as  a  flower  garding,  my  objeck  will  have 
bin  accomplished,  and  more  too. 


q6  the  prince  of  WALES, 

THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

To  MY  Frends  of  the  Editorial  Corpse  : — 

I  rite  these  lines  on  British  sile.  I've  bin  follerin  Mrs 
Victory's  hopeful  sun  Albert  Edward  threw  Kanady  with  my 
onparaleled  Show,  and  tho  I  haint  made  much  in  a  pecoonery 
pint  of  vew,  I've  lernt  sumthin  new,  over  hear  on  British 
Sile,  whare  they  bleeve  in  Saint  Gorge  and  the  Dragoon. 
Previs  to  cumin  over  hear  I  tawt  my  organist  how  to  grind 
Rule  Brittanny  and  other  airs  which  is  poplar  on  British  Sile. 
I  likewise  fixt  a  wax  figger  up  to  represent  Sir  Edmun  Hed 
the  Govner  Ginral.  The  statoot  I  fixt  up  is  the  most  versytile 
wax  statoot  I  ever  saw.  I  've  showd  it  as  Wm.  Penu,  Napo- 
leon Bonypart,  Juke  of  Wellington,  the  Beneker  Boy,  Mrs 
Cunningham,  &  varis  other  notid  persons,  &  also  for  a  sertin 
pirut  named  Hix.  I  've  bin  so  long  amung  wax  statoots  that 
I  can  fix  'em  up  to  soot  the  tastes  of  folks,  &  with  sum  paints 
I  hav  I  kin  giv  their  facis  a  beneverlent  or  fiendish  look  as  the 
kase  requires.  I  giv  Sir  Edmun  Hed  a  beneverlent  look,  <fe 
when  sum  folks  who  thawt  they  was  smart  sed  it  didn't  look 
like  Sir  Edmun  Hed  anymore  than  it  did  anybody  else,  I  sed, 
*'  That 's  the  pint.  That 's  the  beauty  of  the  Statoot.  It 
looks  like  Sir  Edmun  Hed  or  any  other  man.  You  may  kail 
it  what  you  pleese.  Ef  it  don't  look  like  anybody  that  ever 
lived,  then  it's  sertinly  a  remarkable  Statoot  k  well  worth 
seein.  /  kail  it  Sir  Edmun  Hed.  You  may  kail  it  what  you 
darn  pleese  !"     [I  had  'em  thare.] 

At  larst  I  've  had  a  inter^dew  with  the  Prince,  tho  it  putty 
nigh  cost  me  my  vallerble  life.  I  cawt  a  glimps  of  him  as  he 
sot  on  the  Pizarro  of  the  hotel  in  Sarnia,  &  elbowed  myself 
threw  a  crowd  of  wimin,  children,  sojers,  &  Injins  that  was 
hangin  round  the  tavern.  I  was  drawin  near  to  the  Prince 
when  a  red  faced  man  in  Millingtery  close  grabd  holt  of  mo 
and  axed  me  whare  I  was  goin  all  so  bold  ? 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES.  97 

•'  To  see  Albert  Edard  the  Prince  of  Wales,"  sez  I ;  "  who 
are  you  % " 

He  sed  he  was  Kurnal  of  the  Seventy  Fust  Regiment,  Her 
Magisty's  troops.  I  told  him  I  hoped  the  Seventy  Onesters 
was  in  g  ood  helth,  and  was  passin  by  when  he  ceased  hold  of 
me  agin,  and  sed  in  a  tone  of  indigent  cirprise : 

"  What  %  Impossible  I  It  kannot  be  !  Blarst  my  hize,  sir, 
did  I  understan  you  to  say  that  you  was  actooally  goin  into 
the  presents  of  his  Royal  Iniss  % " 

"  That 's  what 's  the  matter  with  me,"  I  replide. 

"  But  blarst  my  hize,  sir,  its  onprecedented.  It 's  orful,  sir. 
Nothin'  like  it  hain't  happened  sins  the  Gun  Power  Plot  of 
Guy  Forks.     Owdashus  man,  who  air  yuf 

"  Sir,"  sez  I,  drawin  myself  up  &  puttin  on  a  defiant  air, 
"  I  'm  a  Amerycan  sitterzen.  My  name  is  Ward.  I  'm  a  hus- 
band k  the  father  of  twins,  which  I  'm  happy  to  state  they 
look  like  me.  By  perfeshun  I  'm  a  exhibiter  of  wax  works 
k  sich." 

"  Good  God  !"  yelled  the  Kurnal,  "  the  idee  of  a  exhibiter 
of  wax  figgers  goin  into  the  presents  of  Royalty  !  The  British 
Lion  may  well  roar  with  raje  at  the  thawt !" 

Sez  I,  "  Speakin  of  the  British  Lion,  Kurnal,  I  'd  like  to 
make  a  bargin  with  you  fur  that  beast  fur  a  few  weeks  to  add 
to  my  Show."  I  didn't  meen  nothin  by  this.  I  was  only 
gettin  orf  a  goak,  but  you  orter  hev  seen  the  Old  Kurnal  jump 
up  &  howl.     He  actooally  fomed  at  the  mowth. 

"  This  can't  be  real,"  he  showtid.  "No,  no.  It's  a  horrid 
dream.  Sir,  you  air  not  a  human  bein — ^you  hav  no  existents 
— yure  a  Myth  !  " 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  old  boss,  yule  find  me  a  ruther  onkomfort- 
able  Myth  ef  you  punch  my  inards  in  that  way  agin."  I  be- 
gan to  git  a  little  riled,  fur  when  he  called  me  a  Myth  he 
puncht  me  putty  hard.  The  Kurnal  now  commenst  showtin 
fur  the  Seventy  Onesters.  I  at  fust  thawt  I  'd  stay  &  be- 
cum  a  Marter  to  a  British  Outraje,  as  sich  a  course  mite  git 


9S  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES, 

my  name  up,  &  be  a  good  advertisement  fur  my  Show ;  but  it 
occurred  to  me  that  ef  enny  of  the  Seventy  Ouesters  should 
happen  to  insert  a  barronet  into  my  stummick,  it  mite  be 
onplesunt,  &  I  was  on  the  pint  of  runnin  orf  when  the  Prince 
hisself  kum  up  k  axed  me  what  the  matter  was.  Sez  I, 
"Albert  Edard,  is  that  you?"  k  he  smilt  k  sed  it  was.  Sez 
I,  "  Albert  Edard,  hears  my  keerd.  I  cum  to  pay  my  respecks 
to  the  futer  King  of  Ingland.  The  Kurnal  of  the  Seventy 
Onesters  hear  is  ruther  smawl  pertaters,  but  of  course  you  ain't 
to  blame  fur  that.  He  puts  on  as  many  airs  as  tho  he  was 
the  Bully  Boy  with  the  glass  eye." 

"  Never  mind,"  sez  Albert  Edard  ;  "  I  'm  glad  to  see  you, 
Mister  Ward,  at  all  events,"  &  he  tuk  my  hand  so  plesunt  like 
k  larfed  so  sweet  that  I  fell  in  love  with  him  to  onct.  He 
handed  me  a  segar  k  we  sot  down  on  the  Pizarro  k  commenst 
smokin  rite  cheerful.  "Wall,"  sez  I,  "Albert  Edard,  how's 
the  old  folks  ?" 

"  Her  Majesty  k  the  Prince  are  well,"  he  sed. 

"Duz  the  old  man  take  his  Lager  beer  reglar?"  I  in- 
quired. 

The  Prince  larfed,  k  intermatid  that  the  old  man  didn't  let 
many  kegs  of  that  bevridge  spile  in  tlie  sellar  in  the  coarse  of 
a  year.  We  sot  k  tawked  there  sum  time  abowt  matters  k 
things,  k  bimeby  I  axed  him  how  he  liked  bein  Prince  as  fur 
as  he  'd  got. 

"  To  speak  plain,  Mister  Ward,"  he  sed,  "  I  don't  much  like 
it.  I  'm  sick  of  all  this  bowin  k  scrapin  k  crawlin  k  hurrain 
over  a  boy  like  me.  I  would  rather  go  through  the  country 
quietly  k  enjoy  myself  in  my  own  way,  with  the  other  boys, 
k  not  be  made  a  Show  of  to  be  garped  at  by  everybody. 
When  the  'pe'pU  cheer  me  I  feel  pleesed,  fur  I  know  they  meen 
it,  but  if  these  one-horse  ojfishuls  coold  know  how  I  see  threw 
all  their  moves  k  understan  exackly  what  they  air  after,  k 
knowd  how  I  larft  at  'em  in  private,  theyd  stop  kissin  my 
hands  k  fawnin  over  me  as  thay  now  do.     But  you  know  Mr 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES,  99 

VTard  I  can't  help  bein  a  Prince,  <fe  I  must  do  all  I  kin  to  fit 
myself  fur  the  persishun  I  must  sumtime  ockepy." 

"  That 's  troo,"  sez  I ;  **  sickness  and  the  docters  will  carry 
the  Queen  orf  one  of  these  dase,  sure's  yer  born." 

The  time  hevin  arove  fur  me  to  take  my  departer,  I  rose  up 
&  sed  :  "  Albert  Edard,  I  must  go,  but  previs  to  doin  so  I  will 
obsarve  that  you  soot  me.  Yure  a  good  feller,  Albert  Edard, 
&  tlio  I  'm  agin  Princes  as  a  gineral  thing,  I  must  say  I  like 
the  cut  of  your  Gib.  When  you  git  to  be  King  try  and  be  as 
good  a  man  as  yure  muther  has  bin  !  Be  just  &  be  Jenerus, 
espeshully  to  sho-svmen,  who  hav  allers  bin  aboozed  sins  the 
dase  of  Noah,  who  was  the  fust  man  to  go  into  the  Menagery 
bizniss,  &  ef  the  daily  papers  of  his  time  air  to  beleeved 
Noah's  colleckshun  of  livin  wild  beests  beet  ennything  ever 
seen  sins,  tho  I  make  bold  to  dowt  ef  his  snaiks  was  ahead  of 
mine.  Albert  Edard,  adoo  !"  I  tuk  his  hand  which  he  shook 
warmly,  &  givin  him  a  perpetooal  free  pars  to  my  show,  k 
also  parses  to  take  hum  for  the  Queen  &  Old  Albert,  I  put  on 
my  hat  and  walkt  away. 

"  Mrs  Ward,"  I  solilerquized,  as  I  walkt  along,  "  Mrs  Ward, 
ef  you  could  see  your  husband  now,  just  as  he  prowdly  emerjis 
from  the  presunts  of  the  futur  King  of  Ingland,  you  'd  be  sorry 
you  called  him  a  Beest  jest  becaws  he  cum  home  tired  1  nite, 
and  wantid  to  go  to  bed  without  takin  orf  his  boots.  You  'd 
be  sorry  for  tryin  to  deprive  yure  husband  of  the  priceliss 
Boon  of  liberty,  Betsy  Jane  ! " 

Jest  then  I  met  a  long  perseshun  of  men  with  gownds  onto 
'em.  The  leader  was  on  horseback,  k  ridin  up  to  me  he  sed, 
"  Air  you  Orange  ? " 

Sez  I,  **  Which  ?  " 

"  Air  you  a  Orangeman  ?"  he  repeated,  sterrly. 

"  I  used  to  peddle  lemins,"  sed  I,  "  but  I  never  delt  in 
oranges.  They  are  apt  to  spile  on  yure  hands.  What  parti- 
cler  Loonatic  Asylum  hev  you  <k  yure  frends  escaped  frum,  ef 
I  may  be  so  bold  ]"     Just  then  a  sudden  thawt  struck  me,  & 


100  OSSA  WA  TOM  IE  BRO  WN, 

I  sad,  "Oh  joire  the  fellers  who  air  worryin  the  Prince  so  h 
givin  the  Juke  of  Noocastle  cold  sweats  at  nite,  by  yonr 
infernal  catawalins,  air  you?  "Wall,  take  the  advice  of  a 
Amerykin  sitterzen  :  take  orf  them  gownds  &  don't  try  to  get 
up  a  religious  fite,  which  is  40  times  wuss  nor  a  prize  fite, 
over  Albert  Edard,  who  wants  to  receive  you  all  on  a  ekal 
footin,  not  keerin  a  tinker's  cuss  what  meetin  house  you 
sleep  in  Sundays.  Go  home  and  mind  yure  bizniss  &  not 
make  noosenses  of  yourselves."  With  which  observashuns  I 
left  'em. 

I  shall  leeve  British  sile  4thwith. 


OSSAWATOMIE  BROWN. 

J  don't  pertend  to  be  a  cricket,  and  consekently  the  reader 
will  not  regard  this  'ere  peace  as  a  Cricketcism.  I  cimply 
desine  givin  the  pints  &  Plot  of  a  play  I  saw  actid  out  at  the 
theater  t'other  nite,  called  Ossywattermy  Brown,  or  the  Hero 
of  Harper's  Ferry.  Ossywattermy  had  varis  failins,  one  of 
which  was  a  idee  that  he  cood  conker  Virginny  with  a  few 
duzzen  loonatics  which  he  had  pickt  up  sumwhares,  mercy  only 
nose  when.  He  didn't  cum  it,  as  the  sekel  showed.  This  play 
was  jerkt  by  a  admirer  of  Old  Ossywattermy. 

First  akt  opens  at  North  Elby,  Old  Brown's  humsted. 
Thare  's  a  weddin  at  the  house.  Amely,  Old  Brown's  darter, 
marrys  sumbody,  and  they  all  whirl  in  the  Messy  darnce. 
Then  Ossywattermy  and  his  3  suns  leave  fur  Kansis.  Old  Mrs 
Ossywattermy  tells  'em  thay  air  goin  on  a  long  jurny  &  Blesses 
'em  to  slow  fiddlin.  Thay  go  to  Kansis.  What  upon  arth 
thay  go  to  Kansis  fur  when  thay  was  so  nice  &  comfortable 
down  there  to  North  Elby,  is  more'n  I  know.  The  suns  air 
next  seen  in  Kansis  at  a  tarvern.  Mister  Blane,  a  sinister 
lookin  man  with  his  Belt  full  of  knives  &  hoss  pistils,  axe 


OSS  A  WA  TOM  IE  BRO  WN.  loi 

one  of  the  Browns  to  take  a  drink.  Brown  refuzis,  which  is 
the  fust  instance  on  record  whar  a  Brown  deklined  sich  a  in- 
vite. Mister  Blane,  who  is  a  dark  bearded  feroshus  lookin 
persun,  then  axis  him  whether  he 's  fur  or  fernenst  Slavery. 
Yung  Brown  sez  he's  agin  it,  whareupon  Mister  Blane,  who  is 
the  most  sinisterest  lookin  man  I  ever  saw,  sez  Har,  har,  har ! 
(that  bein  his  stile  of  larfin  wildly)  k  ups  k  sticks  a  knife  into 
yung  Brown.  Anuther  Brown  rushes  up  &  sez,  "You  has 
killed  me  Ber-ruther ! "  Moosic  by  the  Band  &  Seen  changes. 
The  stuck  yung  Brown  enters  supported  by  his  two  brothers. 
Bimeby  he  falls  down,  sez  he  sees  his  Mother,  &  dies.  Moosic 
by  the  Band.  I  lookt  but  couldn't  see  any  mother.  Next 
Seen  reveels  Old  Brown's  cabin.  He  's  readin  a  book.  He 
sez  freedum  must  extend  its  Area,  &  rubs  his  hands  like  he 
was  pleesed  abowt  it.  His  suns  come  in.  One  of  'em  goes 
out  &  cums  in  ded,  havin  bin  shot  while  out  by  a  Border 
Ruffin.  The  ded  yung  Brown  sez  he  sees  his  mother  and 
tumbles  down.  The  Border  Ruffins  then  surround  the  cabin 
&  set  it  a  fire.  The  Browns  giv  theirselves  up  for  gone  coons, 
when  the  hired  gal  diskivers  a  trap  door  to  the  cabin  &  thay 
go  down  threw  it  &  cum  up  threw  the  bulkhed.  Their  mer- 
raklis  'scape  reminds  me  of  the  'scape  of  De  Jones  the  Coar- 
schair  of  the  Gulf — a  tail  with  a  yaller  kiver,  that  I  onct  red. 
For  sixteen  years  he  was  confined  in  a  loathsum  dunjin, 
not  tastin  of  food  durin  all  that  time.  When  a  lucky  thawt 
struck  him  !  He  opend  the  winder  and  got  out.  To  resoom 
— Old  Brown  rushes  down  to  the  foot-lites,  gits  down  on  his 
nees  k  swares  he  '11  hav  revenge.  The  battle  of  Ossawattermy 
takes  place.  Old  Brown  kills  Mister  Blane,  the  sinister  indi- 
vidooal  aforesed.  Mister  Blane  makes  a  able  &  elerquent 
speech,  sez  he  don't  see  his  mother  much^  and  dies  like  a  son 
of  a  gentleman,  rapt  up  in  the  Star  Spangled  Banner.  Moosic 
by  the  Band.  Four  or  five  other  Border  ruflfins  air  kiUed,  but 
thay  don't  say  nothin  abowt  seein  their  mothers.  From  Kansis 
to  Harper's  Ferry.    Picter  of  a  Arsenal  is  represented.    Sojers 


I02  JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD, 

cum  <fe  fire  at  it.  Old  Brown  cums  out  <fc  permits  hisself  to 
be  shot.  He  is  tride  by  two  soops  in  milingtery  close,  and 
sentenced  to  be  hung  on  the  gallus.  Tabloo — Old  Brown  on 
a  platform,  pintin  upards,  tiiC  staige  lited  up  with  red  fire. 
Goddis  of  Liberty  also  on  platform,  pintin  upards.  A  dutch- 
man  in  the  orkestry  warbles  on  a  base  drum.  Cur  tin  falls. 
Moosic  by  tlic  Band. 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD. 
Dear  Sirs  : — 

I  take  my  pen  in  hand  to  inform  you  that  I  am  in  a  state 
of  grate  bliss,  and  trust  these  lines  will  find  you  injoyin  the 
same  blessins.  I  'm  reguvinated.  I  've  found  the  immortal 
waters  of  yooth,  so  to  speak,  and  am  as  limber  and  frisky  as  a 
two-year  old  steer,  and  in  the  futer  them  boys  which  sez  to  me 
**Go  up,  old  Bawld  hed,"  will  do  so  at  the  peril  of  their 
hazard,  individooaJIy.  I  'm  very  happy.  My  house  is  full  of 
joy,  and  I  have  to  gib  up  nights  and  larf !  Sumtimes  I  ax 
myself  "  Is  it  not  a  dream  % "  k  suthin  withinto  me  sez  "  It 
air;"  but  when  I  look  at  them  sweet  little  critters  and  hear 
'em  squawk,  I  know  it  is  a  reality — 2  realitys,  I  may  say — 
and  I  feel  gay. 

I  returnd  from  the  Summer  Campane  with  my  unparaleld 
show  of  wax  works  and  livin  wild  Beests  of  Pray  in  the  early 
part  of  this  munth.  The  peple  of  Baldinsville  met  me  cordully, 
and  I  immejitly  commenst  restin  myself  with  my  famerly. 
The  other  nite  while  I  was  down  to  the  tavurn  tostin  my  shins 
agin  the  bar  room  fire  &  amuzin  the  krowd  with  sum  of  my 
adventurs,  who  shood  cum  in  bare  heded  &  terrible  excited 
but  Bill  Stokes,  who  sez,  sez  he,  "  Old  Ward,  there's  grate 
doins  up  to  your  house." 

Sez  I,  "William,  how  sol" 

Sez  he,  "  Bust  my  gizzud,  but  its  grate  doins,"  k  then  he 
l»rfe«^  as  if  hee  'd  kill  hisself. 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD.  103 

Sez  I,  risin  and  puttin  on  a  austeer  look,  "  William,  ] 
woodunt  be  a  fool  if  I  had  common  cents." 

But  lie  kept  on  larfin  till  he  was  black  in  the  face,  when 
he  fell  over  on  to  the  bunk  where  the  hostler  sleeps,  and 
in  a  still  small  voice  sed,  "  Twins ! "  I  ashure  you,  gents,  that 
the  grass  didn  't  grow  under  my  feet  on  my  way  home,  k  I 
was  foUered  by  a  enthoosiastic  throng  of  my  feller  sitterzens, 
who  hurrard  for  Old  Ward  at  the  top  of  their  voises.  I  found 
the  house  chock  full  of  peple.  Thare  was  Mis  Square  Baxter 
and  her  three  grown  up  darters,  lawyer  Perkinses  wife,  Taber- 
thy  Eipley,  young  Eben  Parsuns,  Deakun  Simmuns  folks,  the 
Skoolmaster,  Doctor  Jordin,  etsettery,  etsettery.  Mis  Ward 
was  in  the  west  room,  which  jines  the  kitchin.  Mis  Square 
Baxter  was  mixin  suthin  in  a  dipper  *  before  the  kitchin  fire, 
k  a  small  army  of  female  wimin  were  rushin  wildly  round  the 
house  with  bottles  of  camfire,  peaces  of  flannil,  <fec.  I  never 
seed  sich  a  hubbub  in  my  natral  born  dase.  I  cood  not  stay 
in  the  west  room  only  a  minit,  so  strung  up  was  my  feelins,  so 
I  rusht  out  and  ceased  my  dubbel  barrild  gun. 

"  What  upon  airth  ales  the  man  1 "  sez  Taberthy  Ripley, 
"  Sakes  t  alive,  what  air  you  doin  1 "  &  she  grabd  me  by  the 
coat  tales.     "  What 's  the  matter  with  you  ? "  she  continnerd. 

"  Twins,  marm,"  sez  I,  "  twins !  " 

"  I  know  it,"  sez  she,  coverin  her  pretty  face  with  her  apun. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  that 's  what 's  the  matter  with  me  I  " 

"  Wall  put  down  that  air  gun,  you  pesky  old  fool,"  sed  she. 

"  No,  marm,"  sez  I,  "  this  is  a  Nashunal  day.  The  glory  of 
this  here  day  isn't  confined  to  Baldinsville  by  a  darn  site.  On 
yonder  woodshed,"  sed  I,  drawin  myself  up  to  my  full  hite  and 
speakin  in  a  show  actin  voice,  "  will  I  fire  a  Nashunal  saloot  I " 
gayin  whitch  I  tared  myself  from  her  grasp  and  rusht  to  the 

*  The  tin  ladle  which  generally  accompanies  a  water-pail  in  the  United 
States. 

t  Snakes  alivt — a  common  New  England  exclamation  of  astonishment 
at  what  has  been  said  or  done. 


I04  yOV  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD. 

top  of  the  shed,  whare  1  blazed  away  until  Square  Baxter's  hired 
man  and  my  son  Artemus  Juneyer  cum  and  took  me  down  by 
mane  force. 

On  returnin  to  the  Kitchin  I  found  quite  a  lot  of  people 
seated  be4  the  fire,  a  talkin  the  event  over.  They  made  room 
for  me  &  I  sot  down.  "  Quite  a  eppisode,"  sed  Docter  Jordin, 
litin  his  pipe  with  a  red  hot  coal. 

"Yes,"  sed  I,  "2  eppisodes,  waying  abowt  18  pounds 
jintly." 

"  A  perfeck  coop  de  tat,"  sed  the  skoolmaster. 

"  E  pluribus  unum,  in  proprietor  persony,"  sed  I,  thinking 
I  'd  let  him  know  I  understood  furrin  langwidges  as  well  as  he 
did,  if  I  wasn't  a  skoolmaster. 

"  It  is  indeed  a  momentious  event,"  sed  young  Eben  Parsuns, 
who  has  been  2  quarters  to  the  Akademy. 

"  I  never  heard  twins  called  by  that  name  afore,"  sed  1, 
*'  but  I  spose  it 's  all  rite." 

"  We  shall  soon  have  Wards  enuff,"  sed  the  editer  of  the 
Baldinsville  Bugle  of  Liberty,  who  was  lookin  over  a  bundle  of 
exchange  papers  in  the  corner,  "  to  apply  to  the  legislater  for 
a  City  Charter?" 

"  Good  for  you,  old  man  ! "  sed  I;  "  giv  that  air  a  conspickius 
place  in  the  next  Bugle." 

"  How  redicklus,"  sed  pretty  Susan  Fletcher,  coverin  her 
face  with  her  knittin  work  &  larfin  like  all  possest. 

"  Wall,  for  my  part,"  sed  Jane  Maria  Peasley,  who  is  the 
Grossest  old  made  in  the  world,  "  I  think  you  all  act  like  a  pack 
of  fools." 

Sez  I,  "  Mis  Peasly,  air  you  a  parent  ?  " 

Sez  she,  "  No,  I  aint." 

Sez  I,  "  Mis  Peasly,  you  never  will  be." 

She  left. 

We  sot  there  talkin  &  larfin  until  "  the  switchin  hour  oi 
nite,  when  grave  yards  yawn  &  Josts  troop  4th,"  as  old  Bill 
Shakespire  aptlee  obsarves  in  his  dramy  of  John  Sheppard, 


JOY  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  WARD.  105 

esq.,  or  the  Moral  House  Breaker,  when  we  broke  up  k  dis- 
bursed. 

Muther  k  children  is  a  doin  well ;  &  as  Eesolushuns  is 
the  order  of  the  day,  I  will  feel  obleeged  if  you  '11  insurt  the 
follerin  : — 

Whereas  two  Eppisodes  has  happined  up  to  the  under- 
sined's  house,  which  is  Twins ;  <fe  Whereas  I  like  this  stile, 
sade  t-nins  bein  of  the  male  perswashun  &  both  boys  j  there4 
Beit 

Besolvedj  that  to  them  uabers  who  did  the  fare  thing  by 
sade  Eppisodes  my  hart  felt  thanks  is  doo. 

Resolved,  that  I  do  most  hartily  thank  Engine  Ko.  No.  1 7, 
who,  under  the  impreshun  from  the  fuss  at  my  house  on  that 
auspishus  nite  that  thare  was  a  konflagration  goin  on,  kum 
galyiantly  to  the  spot,  but  kindly  refraned  frum  squirtin. 

Resolved,  that  frum  the  Bottum  of  my  Sole  do  I  thank  the 
Baldinsville  brass  band  fur  givin  up  the  idea  of  Sarahnadia 
me,  both  on  that  great  nite  &  sinse. 

Resolved,  that  my  thanks  is  doo  several  members  of  the 
Baldinsville  meetin  house  who  fur  3  whole  dase  hain't  kalled 
me  a  sinful  skoffer  or  intreeted  me  to  mend  my  wicked  wase 
and  jine  sade  meetin  house  to  onct. 

Resolved,  that  my  Boozum  teams  with  meny  kind  emoshuns 
towards  the  follerin  individoouls,  to  whit  namelee — ^Mis  Square 
Baxter,  who  Jenerusly  refoozed  to  take  a  sent  for  a  bottle  of 
camfire ;  lawyer  Perkinses  wife,  who  rit  sum  versis  on  the 
Eppisodes  ;  the  Editer  of  the  Baldinsville  Bugle  of  Liberty,  who 
nobly  assisted  me  in  wollupin  my  Kangeroo,  which  sagashus 
little  cuss  seriusly  disturbed  the  Eppisodes  by  his  outrajua 
Bcreetchins  &  kickins  up  ;  Mis  Hirum  Doolittle,  who  kindly 
furnisht  sum  cold  vittles  at  a  tryin  time,  when  it  wasunt  kon- 
/enient  to  cook  vittles  at  my  house;  k  the  Peasleys-  Par- 
sunses  k  Watsunses  fur  there  meny  ax  of  kindness. — Tiooly 
yures, 

Artejius  Ward. 


io6  CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

In  o  rerhaulin  one  of  my  old  trunks  the  tother  day,  I  found 
the  follerin  jernal  of  a  yjgQ  on  the  starnch  canawl  bote,  Polly 
Ann,  which  happened  to  the  subscriber  when  I  was  a  young 
man  (in  the  Brite  Lexington  of  yooth,  when  thar  aint  no  sich 
word  as  fale)  on  the  Wabash  Canawl : 

Monday,  2  P.M. — Got  under  wa.  Hosses  not  remarkable 
frisky  at  fust.  Had  to  bild  fires  under  'em  before  they  'd 
start.  Started  at  larst  very  suddent,  causin  the  bote  for  to 
lurch  vilently  and  knockiu  me  orf  from  my  pins.  (Sailor 
frase.)  Sevral  passenjers  on  bored.  Parst  threw  deliteful 
country.  Honist  farmers  was  to  work  sowin  korn,  and  other 
projuce  in  the  fields.  Surblime  scenery.  Large  red-heded  ga] 
reclinin  on  the  banks  of  the  Canawl,  bathin  her  feet. 

Turned  in  at  15  minits  parst  eleving. 

Toosdy. — Riz  at  5  and  went  up  on  the  poop  deck.  Took 
a  grown  person's  dose  of  licker  with  a  member  of  the  Injianny 
legislater,  which  he  urbanely  insisted  on  allowin  me  to  pay  for. 
Bote  tearin  threu  the  briny  waters  at  the  rate  of  2  Nots  a 
hour,  when  the  boy  on  the  lead  in  boss  shoutid — 

"  Sale  hoe  ! ' 

"  Wh^r  away  1 "  hollered  the  capting,  clearin  his  glass  (a 
empty  black  bottle,  with  the  bottom  knockt  out)  and  bringing 
it  to  his  Eagle  eye. 

"  Bout  four  rods  to  the  starbud,"  screamed  the  boy. 

"  Jes  so,"  screeched  the  capting.    "  What  wessel  's  that  air? " 

"  Kickin  Warier  of  Terry  Hawt,  and  be  darned  to  you  !  " 

"  I,  I,  Sir  !  "  hollered  our  capting.  "  Eeef  your  arft  boss, 
splice  your  main  jib-boom,  and  hail  your  chambermaid! 
What 's  up  in  Terry  Hawt  ?  " 

"  You  know  Bill  Spikes  ?  "  sed  the  capting  of  the  Warier. 

"  Wall,  I  reckin.  He  can  eat  more  fride  pork  nor  any  man 
of  his  heft  on  the  Wabash.     He 's  a  ornament  to  his  sex  !  " 

"  Wall,"    continued   the   captmg   of    the   Kickin   Warier. 


CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN.  107 

**  Wilyim  got  a  little  owly  *  the  tother  day,  and  got  to  prancin 
around  town  on  that  old  white  mare  of  his'n,  and  boiu  in  a 
pliiyful  mood,  he  rid  up  in  front  of  the  Court  'us  whar  old 
Judge  Perkins  was  a  holdin  Court,  and  let  drive  his  rifle  at 
him.  The  bullet  didn't  hit  the  Judge  at  all ;  it  only  jes 
whizzed  parst  his  left  ear,  lodgin  in  the  wall  behind  him ;  but 
what  d'ye  spose  the  old  despot  did  ?  Why,  he  actooally  fined 
Bill  ten  dollars  for  contempt  of  Court !  What  do  you  think  of 
that  ?  "  axed  the  capting  of  the  Warier,  as  he  parst  a  long  black 
bottle  over  to  our  capting. 

"  The  country  is  indeed  in  danger ! "  sed  our  capting,  raisin 
the  bottle  to  his  lips.  The  wessels  parted.  No  other  inci- 
dents that  day.  Retired  to  my  chased  couch  at  5  mi  nits 
parst  10. 

Wensdy. — Riz  arly.  Wind  blowin  N.W.E.  Hevy  sea  on, 
and  ship  rollin  wildly  in  consekents  of  pepper-corns  havin 
bin  fastened  to  the  forrerd  boss's  tale.  "  Heave  two  ! "  roared 
the  capting  to  the  man  at  the  rudder,  as  the  Polly  giv  a  friteful 
toss.  I  was  sick,  an  sorry  I  'd  cum.  "  Heave  two  !  "  repeated 
the  capting.  I  went  below.  "  Heave  two ! "  I  hearn  him 
holler  agin,  and  stickin  my  bed  out  of  the  cabin  winder,  /  hev. 

The  bosses  became  dosile  eventually,  and  I  felt  better.  The 
sun  bust  out  in  all  his  splender,  disregardless  of  expense,  and 
lovely  Natur  put  in  her  best  licks.f  We  parst  the  beautiful 
village  of  Limy,  which  lookt  sweet  indeed,  with  its  neat  white 
cottages,  Institoots  of  learnin  and  other  evijences  of  civilliza- 
shun,  incloodin  a  party  of  bald  heded  cullered  men  who  was 
playing  3  card  monty  %  on  the  stoop  of  the  Red  Eagle  tavern. 

*  A  similar  expression  to  our  slang  term  mooney,  i.e.,  intoxicated. 

+  Strokes,  and  hence  efforts,  exertions.  *'  To  put  in  big  licks,"  is  to  make 
great  exertions,  to  work  hard. 

X  Monte,  a  Spanish  game  of  chance  played  with  cards,  of  which  the 
Spanish  Americans  are  excessively  fond.  Formerly  only  played  in  New 
Orleans  and  other  Southern  towns  in  commercial  connection  with  the  old 
Spanish  colonies ;  it  is  now  comparatively  common  at  all  the  groceriea 
and  bar-rooms  of  the  North. 


io8  CRUISE  OF  THE  POLLY  ANN. 

All,  all  was  food  for  my  2  poetic  sole.  I  went  below  to  break- 
fast, but  vittles  had  lost  their  charms.  "  Take  sum  of  this," 
sed  the  Capting,  shovin  a  bottle  tords  my  plate.  "It's 
whisky.  A  few  quarts  allers  sets  me  right  when  my  stummick 
gits  out  of  order.  It 's  a  excellent  tonic !  '^  I  declined  the 
seductive  flooid. 

Thursdy. — Didn't  rest  well  last  night  on  account  of  a  up- 
rore  made  by  the  capting,  who  stopt  the  Bote  to  go  ashore 
and  smash  in  the  windows  of  a  grosery.*  He  was  brought 
back  in  about  a  hour,  with  his  hed  dun  up  in  a  red  hanker- 
cher,  his  eyes  bein  swelled  up  orful,  and  his  nose  very  much 
out  of  jint.  He  was  bro't  aboard  on  a  shutter  by  his  crue, 
and  deposited  on  the  cabin  floor,  the  passenjers  all  risin  up  in 
their  births,  pushin  the  red  curtains  aside  &  lookin  out  to  see 
what  the  matter  was.  "  Why  do  you  allow  your  pashuns  to 
run  away  with  you  in  this  onseemly  stile,  my  misgided  frend  1 " 
sed  a  solium  lookin  man  in  a  red  flannel  nite-cap.  "  Why  do 
you  sink  yourself  to  the  Beasts  of  the  field  ? " 

"  Wall,  the  lack  is,"  sed  the  capting,  risin  hisself  on  the 
shutter,  "  I  've  bin  a  little  prejoodiced  agin  that  grosery  for 
some  time.  But  I  made  it  lively  for  the  boys.  Deacon  !  Bet 
yer  hfe  !  "  He  larfed  a  short,  wild  larf,  and  called  for  his  jug. 
Sippin  a  few  pints,  he  smiled  gently  upon  the  passenjers,  sed 
"  Bless  you  !  bless  you  !  "  and  fell  into  a  sweet  sleep. 

Eventually  we  reached  our  jerny's  end.  This  was  in  the 
days  of  Old  Long  Sign,  be4  the  iron  boss  was  foaled.  This 
was  be4  steembotes  was  goin  round  bustin  their  bilers  &  sendin 
peple  higher  nor  a  kite.  Them  was  happy  days,  when  peplo 
was  intelligent  &  wax  figger's  &  livin  wild  beests  wasn't 
scoffed  at. 

"  0  dase  of  me  boyhood 
I  'm  dreamin  on  ye  now  1  '* 

(roeokry.)  A.  W. 

*  See  foot-note,  p.  35. 


INTER  VIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN.     109 
INTERVIEW  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN. 

f  HAV  no  politics.  Nary  a  one.  I'm  not  in  the  bizniss.  If 
I  was  I  spose  I  should  holler  versiflfrusly  in  the  streets  at  nite, 
and  go  home  to  Betsy  Jane  smellen  of  coal  ile  and  gin  in  the 
momin.  I  should  go  to  the  Poles  arly.  I  should  stay  there 
all  day.  I  should  see  to  it  that  my  nabers  was  thar.  I  should 
git  carriges  to  take  the  kripples,  the  infirm,  and  the  indignant 
thar.  I  should  be  on  guard  agin  frauds  and  sich.  I  should 
be  on  the  look  out  for  the  infamus  lise  of  the  enemy,  got  up 
jest  be4  elecshun  for  perlitical  efFeck.  When  all  was  over, 
and  my  candydate  was  elected,  I  should  move  heving  &  arth 
— so  to  speak — until  I  got  orfice,  which  if  I  didn't  git  a  orfice 
I  should  turn  round  and  abooze  the  Administration  with  all 
my  mite  and  maine.  But  I  'm  not  in  the  bizniss.  I  'm  in  a 
far  more  respectful  bizniss  nor  what  pollertics  is.  I  wouldn't 
giv  two  cents  to  be  a  Congresser.  The  wus  insult  I  ever 
received  was  when  sertin  citizens  of  Baldinsville  axed  me  to 
run  fur  the  Legislater.  Sez  I,  "  My  frends,  dostest  think  I  'd 
stoop  to  that  there  1 "  They  turned  as  white  as  a  sheet.  I 
spoke  in  my  most  orfullest  tones,  &  they  knowd  I  wasn't  to 
be  trifled  with.     They  slunked  out  of  site  to  onct. 

There4,  havin  no  politics,  I  made  bold  to  visit  Old  Abe  at 
his  humstid  in  Springfield.  I  found  the  old  feller  in  his 
parler,  surrounded  by  a  perfeck  swarm  of  orfice  seekers. 
Knowin  he  had  been  capting  of  a  flat  boat  on  the  roarin 
Mississippy  I  thought  I  'd  address  him  in  sailor  lingo,  so  sez 
I,  "  Old  Abe,  ahoy  !  Let  out  yer  main-suls,  reef  hum  the  fore- 
castle &  throw  yer  jib-poop  over-board  !  Shiver  my  timbers, 
my  harty  ! "  [N.B. — This  is  ginuine  mariner  langwidge.  I 
know,  becawz  I  've  seen  sailor  plays  acted  out  by  them  New 
York  theater  fellers.]  Old  Abe  lookt  up  quite  cross  &  sez, 
**  Send  in  yer  petition  by  &  by.  I  can't  possibly  look  at  it 
now.     Indeed  I  can't.     It 's  onpossible,  sir  ! " 

"  Mr  Linkin,  who  do  you  spect  I  air  ? "  sed  L 


rro  INTERVIEW  WITH 

"  A  orfice-seeker,  to  be  sure  ! "  sed  he. 

"  Wall,  sir,"  sed  I,  "  you  's  never  more  mistaken  in  your  life. 
V^ou  hain't  gut  a  orfiss  I  'd  take  under  no  circumstances.  I  'm 
A.  Ward.  Wax  figgers  is  my  perfeshun.  I  'm  the  father  of 
Twins,  and  they  look  like  me — both  of  them.  I  cum  to  pay 
a  frendly  visit  to  the  President  eleck  of  the  United  States. 
If  so  be  you  wants  te  see  me,  say  so — if  not,  say  so,  &  I'm  orf 
like  a  jug  handle." 

"  Mr  Ward,  sit  down.     I  am  glad  to  see  you,  sir." 

"  Eepose  in  Abraham's  Buzzum!"  sed  one  of  the  orfice 
seekers,  his  idee  bein  to  git  orf  a  goak  at  my  expense. 

"  Wall,"  sez  I,  "  ef  all  you  fellers  repose  in  that  there 
Buzzum  thare  '11  be  mity  poor  nussin  for  sum  of  you  !"  where- 
upon Old  Abe  buttoned  his  weskit  clear  up  and  blusht  like  a 
maidin  of  sweet  16.  Jest  at  this  pint  of  the  conversation 
another  swarm  of  orfice-seekers  arrove  &  cum  pilin  into  the 
parler.  Sum  wanted  post-orfices,  sum  Avanted  collectorships, 
sum  wantid  furrin  missions,  and  all  wanted  sumthin.  I 
thought  Old  Abe  would  go  crazy.  He  hadn't  more  than  had 
time  to  shake  hands  with  'em,  before  another  tremenjis  crowd 
cum  porein  onto  his  premises.  His  house  and  dooryard  was 
now  perfeckly  overflowed  with  orfice-seekers,  all  clameruss  for 
a  immejit  interview  with  Old  Abe.  One  man  from  Ohio,  who 
had  about  seven  inches  of  corn  whisky  into  him,  mistook  me 
for  Old  Abe,  and  addrest  me  as  "  The  Pra-hayrie  Flower  of 
the  West ! "  Thinks  I,  you  want  a  ofiiss  putty  bad.  Another 
man  with  a  gold  heded  cane  and  a  red  nose,  told  Old  Abe  he 
was  "  a  seckind  Washington  &  the  Pride  of  the  Boundless 
West." 

Sez  I,  "  Square,  you  wouldn't  take  a  small  post-offis  if  you 
could  git  it,  would  you  % " 

Sez  he,  "A  patrit  is  abuv  them  things,  sir  ! '* 

"  There 's  a  putty  big  crop  of  patrits  this  season,  aint  there, 
Squire  ? "  sez  I,  when  another  crowd  of  offiss-seekers  pored  in. 
The  house,  dooryard,  barn,  <fe  woodshed  was  now  all  full,  and 


PRESIDENT  LINCOLN,  1 1 1 

when  another  crowd  cum  I  told  *eni  not  to  go  away  for  want 
of  room,  as  the  hog-pen  was  still  empty.  One  patrit  from  a 
small  town  in  Michygan  went  up  on  top  the  house,  got  into 
the  chimney  and  slid  down  into  the  parler  where  Old  Abe 
was  endeverin  to  keep  the  hungry  pack  of  orfice-seekers  from 
chawin  him  up  alive  without  benefit  of  clergy.  The  minit  he 
reached  the  fire-place,  he  jumpt  up,  brusht  the  soot  out  of  his 
eyes,  and  yelled  :  "  Don't  make  eny  pintment  at  the  Spunk- 
ville  post-offiss  till  you  've  read  my  papers.  All  the  respectful 
men  in  our  town  is  signers  to  that  there  dockyment ! " 

"  Good  God  ! "  cride  Old  Abe,  "  they  cum  upon  me  from  the 
skize — down  the  chimneys,  and  from  th^  bowels  of  the  yearth  !" 
He  hadn't  more'n  got  them  words  out  of  his  delikit  mouth 
before  two  fat  offiss-seekers  from  Wisconsin,  in  endeverin  to 
crawl  atween  his  legs  for  the  purpuss  of  applyin  for  the  toll- 
gateship  at  Milwawky,  upsot  the  President  eleck,  &  he  would 
hev  gone  sprawlin  into  the  fire-place  if  I  hadn't  caught  him  in 
these  arms.  But  I  hadn't  morn'n  stood  him  up  strate,  before 
another  man  cum  crashin  down  the  cliimney,  his  head  strikin 
me  vilently  agin  the  inards  and  prostrating  my  voluptoous 
form  onto  the  floor.  "  Mr  Linkin,"  shoutid  the  infatooated 
being,  "  my  papers  is  signed  by  every  clergyman  in  our  town, 
and  likewise  the  skoolmaster  ! " 

Sez  I,  "  You  egrejis  ass,"  gitting  up  &  brushin  the  dust  from 
my  eyes,  *'  I  '11  sign  your  papers  with  this  bunch  of  bones,  if 
you  don't  be  a  little  more  keerful  how  you  make  my  bread- 
basket a  depot  in  the  futer.  How  do  you  like  that  air  per- 
fumery?" sez  I,  shuving  my  fist  under  his  nose.  "  Them's  the 
kind  of  papers  I  '11  giv  you  !     Them 's  the  papers  you  want ! " 

"  But  I  workt  hard  for  the  ticket ;  I  toiled  night  and  day  ! 
The  patrit  should  be  rewarded  ! " 

"  Virtoo,"  sed  I,  holdin  the  infatooated  man  by  the  coat- 
collar,  "  virtoo,  sir,  is  its  own  reward.  Look  at  me  ! "  He 
did  look  at  me,  and  qualed  be4  my  gase.  *'  The  fact  is,"  I 
continued,  lookin   round    on    the   hungry  crowd,   "  there  is 


I  r  2     INTER  VIE  W  WITH  PRESIDENT  LINCOLN. 

scacely  a  offiss  for  every  ile  lamp  carrid  round  durin  this 
campane.  I  wish  thare  was.  I  wish  thare  was  furrin  mis- 
sions to  be  filled  on  varis  lonely  Islands  where  eppydemics 
rage  incessantly,  and  if  I  was  in  Old  Abe's  place  I'd  send 
every  mother's  son  of  you  to  them.  What  air  you  here  for  ?" 
1  continnered,  warmin  up  considerable,  "  can't  you  giv  Abe  a 
minit's  peace  ?  Don't  you  see  he 's  worrid  most  to  death  % 
Go  home,  you  miserable  men,  go  home  &  till  the  sile  !  Go 
to  peddlin  tinware — go  to  choppin  wood — go  to  bilin  sope — 
stuff  sassengers — black  boots — git  a  clerkship  on  sum  respect- 
able manure  cart — go  round  as  original  Swiss  Bell  Eingers — 
becum  '  origenal  and  only'  Campbell  Minstrels — go  to  lectuiin 
at  50  dollars  a  nite — imbark  in  the  peanut  bizniss — write  for 
the  Ledger* — saw  off  your  legs  and  go  round  givin  concerts, 
with  techin  appeals  to  a  charitable  public,  printed  on  your 
handbills — anything  for  a  honest  livin,  but  don't  come  round 
here  drivin  Old  Abe  crazy  by  your  outrajis  cuttings  up  !  Go 
home.  *  Stand  not  upon  the  order  of  your  goin,'  but  go  to 
onct !  Ef  in  five  minits  from  this  time,"  sez  I,  puUin  out  my 
new  sixteen  dollar  huntin  cased  watch,  and  brandishin  it 
before  their  eyes, — "  Ef  in  five  minits  from  this  time  a  single 
sole  of  you  remains  on  these  here  premises,  I  '11  go  out  to  my 
cage  near  by,  and  let  my  Boy  Constructor  loose  !  &  ef  he  gits 
amung  you,  you  '11  think  old  Solferino  has  cum  again  and  no 
mistake ! "  You  ought  to  hev  seen  them  scamper,  Mr  Fair.  They 
run  orf  as  though  Satun  hisself  was  after  them  with  a  red 
hot  ten  pronged  pitchfork.  In  five  minits  the  premises  was 
clear. 

"  How  kin  I  ever  repajT-  you,  Mr  Ward,  for  your  kindness  ?" 
sed  Old  Abe,  advancin  and  shakin  me  warmly  by  the  hand. 
*'  How  kin  I  ever  repay  you,  sirT' 

"  By  givin  the  whole  country  a  good,  sound  administration. 
By  poerin  ile  upon  the  troubled  waturs.  North  and  South 

•  A  Xew^  York  newspaper  famous  for  itn  numprous  contributors. 


THE  SHO  W  IS  CONFISCA  TED.  1 1 3 

By  pnrsooin  a  patriotic,  firm,  and  just  course,  and  then,  if  any 
IState  wants  to  secede,  let  'em  Sesesh  !" 

"  How  'bout  my  Cabinit,  Mister  Ward  ?"  sed  Abe. 

"  Fill  it  up  with  Showmen,  sir !  Showmen  is  devoid  of 
politics.  They  hain't  got  any  principles  !  They  know  how 
to  cater  for  the  public.  They  know  what  the  public  wants. 
North  &  South.  Showmen,  sir,  is  honest  men.  Ef  you  doubt 
their  literary  ability,  look  at  their  posters,  and  see  small  bills ! 
Ef  you  want  a  Cabinit  as  is  a  Cabinit,  fill  it  up  with  showmen, 
but  don't  call  on  me.  The  moral  wax  figger  perfeshun  musn't 
be  permitted  to  go  down  while  there 's  a  drop  of  blood  in  these 
vains  !  A.  Linkin,  I  wish  you  well !  Ef  Powers  or  Wal- 
cutt  wus  to  pick  out  a  model  for  a  beautiful  man,  I  scacely 
think  they  'd  sculp  you ;  but  ef  you  do  the  fair  thing  by  your 
country,  you  '11  make  as  putty  a  angel  as  any  of  us  !  A.  Linkin, 
use  the  talents  which  Nature  has  put  into  you  judishusly  and 
firmly,  and  all  will  be  well !     A.  Linkin,  adoo  !" 

He  shook  me  cordyully  by  the  hand — we  exchanged  picters, 
60  we  could  gaze  upon  each  others'  liniments  when  far  away 
from  one  another — he  at  the  helium  of  the  ship  of  State,  and 
I  at  the  helium  of  the  show  bizniss — admittance  only  15 
cents. 


THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

You  hav  perhaps  wondered  wharebouts  I  was  for  these  many 
dase  gone  and  past.  Perchans  you  sposed  I'd  gone  to  the 
Tomb  of  the  Cappyletts,  tho  I  don't  know  what  those  is.  It 's 
a  popler  noospaper  frase. 

Listen  to  my  tail,  and  be  silent  that  ye  may  here.  I  've  been 
among  the  Seseshers,  a  earnin  my  daily  peck  by  my  legitimit 
perfeshun,  and  havn't  had  no  time  to  weeld  my  facile  quill  for 
*'  the  Grate  Komick  paper,"  if  you  'U  allow  me  to  kote  from 
your  troothful  advertisement. 

My  success  was  skaly,  and  I  likewise  had  a  narrer  scape  of 

H 


114  THE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

my  life.  If  what  I  Ve  bin  threw  is  "  Suthern  hosspitality," 
'bout  which  we  've  hearn  so  much,  then  I  feel  bound  to  obsarve 
that  they  made  two  much  of  me.  They  was  altogether  too 
lavish  with  their  attenshuns. 

I  went  amung  the  Seseshers  with  no  feelins  of  annermosity. 
I  went  in  my  perfeshernal  capacity.  I  was  actooated  by  one 
of  the  most  Loftiest  desires  which  can  swell  the  human  Buz- 
zum,  viz. : — to  giv  the  peple  their  money's  worth,  by  showin 
them  Sagashus  Beests,  and  Wax  Statoots,  which  I  venter  to 
say  air  onsurpast  by  any  other  statoots  anywheres.  I  will  not 
call  that  man  who  sez  my  statoots  is  humbugs  a  lier  and  a 
boss  thief,  but  bring  him  be4  me  and  I  '11  wither  him  with  one 
of  my  scornful  frowns. 

But  to  proceed  with  my  tail.  In  my  travels  threw  the 
Sonny  South  I  beared  a  heap  of  talk  about  Seceshon  and 
bustin  up  the  Union,  but  I  didn't  think  it  mounted  to  nothin. 
The  politicians  in  all  the  villages  was  swearin  that  Old  Abe 
(sometimes  called  the  Prahayrie  flower)  shouldn't  never  be 
noggerated.  They  also  made  fools  of  theirselves  in  varis  ways, 
but  as  they  was  used  to  that  I  didn't  let  it  worry  me  much, 
and  the  Stars  and  Stripes  continued  for  to  wave  over  my  little 
tent.  Moor  over,  I  was  a  Son  of  Malty  and  a  member  of 
several  other  Temperance  Societies,  and  my  wife  she  was  a 
Dawter  of  Malty,  an  I  sposed  these  fax  would  secoor  me  the 
infloonz  and  pertectiun  of  all  the  fust  families.  Alas  !  I  was 
dispinted.  State  arter  State  seseshed,  and  it  growed  hotter 
and  hotter  for  the  undersined.  Things  came  to  a  climbmacks 
in  a  small  town  in  Alabamy,  where  I  was  premptorally  ordered 
to  haul  down  the  Stars  &  Stripes.  A  deppytashun  of  red- 
faced  men  cum  up  to  the  door  of  my  tent  ware  I  was  standin 
takin  money  (the  arternoon  exhibishun  had  commenst,  an'  my 
Italyun  organist  was  jerkin  his  sole-stirrin  chimes).  "  We  air 
cum,  Sir,"  said  a  millingtary  man  in  a  cockt  hat,  "  upon  a  hi 
and  holy  mishun.  The  Southern  Eagle  is  screamin  threwout 
*\us  sunny  land — proudly  and  defiantly  screamin,  Sir  ! " 


THE  SHO  W  IS  CONFISCA  TED.  1 1 5 

""Wliat's  the  matter  with  him?"  sez  I;  "don't  his  vittles  sit 
well  on  his  stummick  V* 

"  That  Eagle,  Sir,  will  continner  to  scream  all  over  this  Brite 
flnd  tremenjus  land  ! " 

"  Wall,  let  him  scream.  If  your  Eagle  can  amuse  hisself  by 
screamin,  let  him  went !"  The  men  annoyed  me,  for  I  was 
Bizzy  makin  change. 

"  We  are  cum.  Sir,  upon  a  matter  of  dooty ^" 

"  You  're  right,  Capting.  It's  every  man's  dooty  to  visit  my 
show,"  sed  I. 

"  We  air  cum " 

"  And  that's  the  reason  you  are  here  !"  sez  I,  larfin  one  of 
my  silvery  larfs.  I  thawt  if  he  wanted  to  goak  I'd  giv  him 
sum  of  my  sparklin  eppygrams. 

"  Sir,  you  're  inserlent.  The  plain  question  is,  will  you  haul 
down  the  Star-Spangled  Banner,  and  hist  the  Southern  flag!" 

"  Nary  hist  !"     Those  was  my  reply. 

**  Your  wax  works  and  beests  is  then  confisticated,  &  you 
a;ir  arrested  as  a  Spy  !" 

Sez  I,  "  My  fragrant  roses  of  the  Southern  clime  and 
Bloomin  daffodils,  what's  the  price  of  whisky  in  this  town, 
and  how  many  cubic  feet  of  that  seductive  flooid  can  you 
individooally  hold  ? " 

They  made  no  reply  to  that,  but  said  my  wax  figgers  was 
confisticated.  I  axed  them  if  that  was  ginerally  the  stile 
among  thieves  in  that  country,  to  which  they  also  made  no 
reply,  but  sed  I  was  arrested  as  a  Spy,  and  must  go  to  Mont- 
gomry  in  iuns.  They  was  by  this  time  jined  by  a  large  crowd 
of  other  Southern  patrits,  who  commenst  hollerin  '*  Hang  the 
bald-headed  aberlitionist,  and  bust  up  his  immoral  exhibition !" 
I  was  ceased  and  tied  to  a  stump,  and  the  crowd  went  for  my 
tent — that  water-proof  pavilion,  wherein  instruction  and 
amoosment  had  been  so  muchly  combined,  at  15  cents  per 
head — and  tore  it  all  to  pieces.  Meanwhile  dirty  faced  boys 
was  throwin  stuns  and  empty  beer  bottles  at  my  massive 


ii6  FHE  SHOW  IS  CONFISCATED. 

brow,  and  takin  other  improper  liberties  with  myperson.  Kesist- 
ance  was  useless,  for  a  variety  of  reasons,  as  I  readily  obsarved. 

The  Seseshers  confisticated  my  statoots  by  smashin  them  to 
attums.  They  then  went  to  my  money  box  and  confisticated 
all  the  loose  change  therein  contaned.  They  then  went  and 
bust  in  my  cages,  lettin  all  the  animils  loose,  a  small  but 
helthy  tiger  among  the  rest.  This  tiger  has  a  excentric  way 
of  tearin  dogs  to  peaces,  and  I  allers  sposed  from  his  gineral 
conduck  that  he  'd  hav  no  hesitashun  in  servin  human  beins 
in  the  same  way  if  he  could  git  at  them.  Excuse  me  if  I  was 
crooil,  but  I  larfed  boysterrusly  when  I  see  that  tiger  spring 
in  among  the  people.  "  Go  it,  my  sweet  cuss  !"  I  inardly 
exclaimed ;  "  I  forgive  you  for  bitin  off  my  left  thum  with  all 
my  heart !  Eip  'em  up  like  a  bully  tiger  whose  Lare  has  bin 
inwaded  by  Seseshers  !" 

I  can't  say  for  certain  that  the  tiger  serisly  injured  any  of 
them,  but  as  he  was  seen  a  few  days  after,  sum  miles  distant, 
with  a  large  and  well  selected  assortment  of  seats  of  trowsia 
in  his  mouth,  and  as  he  lookt  as  tho  he  'd  bin  havin  sum  vilent 
exercise,  I  rayther  guess  he  did.  You  will  therefore  perceive 
that  they  didn't  confisticate  him  much. 

I  was  carrid  to  Montgomry  in  iuns  and  placed  in  durans 
vial.  The  jail  was  a  ornery  edifiss,  but  the  table  was  librally 
surplied  with  Bakin  an  Cabbidge.  This  was  a  good  variety, 
for  when  I  didn't  hanker  after  Bakin  I  could  help  myself  to 
the  cabbige. 

I  had  nobody  to  talk  to  nor  nothing  to  talk  about,  hows- 
ever,  and  I  was  very  lonely,  specially  on  the  first  day ;  so  when 
the  jailer  parst  my  lonely  sell  I  put  the  few  stray  hairs  on  the 
back  part  of  my  hed  (I'm  bald  now,  but  thare  was  a  time 
v/hen  I  wore  sweet  auburn  ringlets)  into  as  dish-hevild  a  state 
as  possible,  &  rollin  my  eyes  like  a  manyyuck,  I  cride  :  "  Stay, 
jaler,  stay  !  I  am  not  mad,  but  soon  shall  be  if  you  don't  bring 
me  suthing  to  Talk!"  He  brung  me  sum  noospapers,  for 
■which  I  thanked  him  kindly. 


THE  SHO  W  IS  CONFISCA  TED,  1 17 

At  larst  I  got  a  interview  with  Jefferson  Davis,  the  Presi- 
dent of  the  Southern  Conthieveracy.  He  was  quite  perhte, 
and  axed  me  to  sit  down  and  state  my  case.  I  did  it,  when 
he  larfed  and  said  his  gallunt  men  had  been  a  little  2  enthoo- 
siastic  in  confisticatin  my  show. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  they  confisticated  me  too  muchly.  I  had 
sum  hosses  confisticated  in  the  same  way  onct,  but  the  con- 
fisticaters  air  now  poundin  stun  in  the  States  Prison  in 
Injinnapylus." 

"  Wall,  wall.  Mister  Ward,  you  air  at  liberty  to  depart ; 
you  air  frendly  to  the  South,  I  know.  Even  now  we  hav 
many  frens  in  the  North,  who  sympathise  with  us,  and  won't 
mingle  with  this  fight." 

"  J.  Davis,  there's  your  grate  mistaik.  Many  of  us  was 
your  sincere  frends,  and  thought  certin  parties  amung  us  was 
fussin  about  you  and  meddlin  with  your  consarns  intirely 
too  much.  But  J.  Davis,  the  minit  you  fire  a  gun  at  the  piece 
of  dry-goods  called  the  Star-Spangled  Banner,  the  North  gits 
up  and  rises  en  massy,  in  defence  of  that  banner.  Not  agin 
you  as  individooals, — not  agin  the  South  even — but  to  save 
the  flag.  We  should  indeed  be  weak  in  the  knees,  unsound 
in  the  heart,  milk-white  in  the  liver,  and  soft  in  the  hed,  if  we 
stood  quietly  by  and  saw  this  glorus  Govyment  smashed  to 
pieces,  either  by  a  furrin  or  a  intestine  foe.  The  gentle-harted 
mother  hates  to  take  her  naughty  child  across  her  knee,  but 
she  knows  it  is  her  dooty  to  do  it.  So  we  shall  hate  to  whip 
the  naughty  South,  but  we  must  do  it  if  you  don't  make  back 
tracks  at  onct,  and  we  shall  wallup  you  out  of  your  boots  ! 
J.  Davis,  it  is  my  decided  opinion  that  the  Sonny  South  is 
makin  a  egrejus  mutton-hed  of  herself !" 

"  Go  on,  sir,  you're  safe  enuff.  You  're  too  small  powder 
for  me  !"  sed  the  President  of  the  Southern  Conthieveracy. 

"  Wait  till  I  go  home  and  start  out  the  Baldinsvill  Mounted 
Hoss  Cavalry!  I'm  Capting  of  that  Corpse,  I  am,  and  J. 
Davis,  beware  !    Jefferson  D.,  I  now  leave  you !    Farewell,  my 


ii8  THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE. 

gay  Saler  Boy !     Good  bye,  my  bold  buccaneer !     Pirut  of  the 
deep  blue  sea,  adoo  !  adoo  !" 

My  tower  threw  the  Southern  Conthieveracy  on  my  way 
home  was  thrillin  enufF  for  yeller  covers.  It  will  form  the 
subjeck  of  my  next.  Betsy  Jane  and  the  progeny  air  well. — 
Yours  respectively, 

A.  Ward. 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIK 

f  HAD  a  narrer  scape  from  the  sonny  South.  "  The  swings 
and  arrers  of  outrajus  fortin,"  alluded  to  by  Hamlick,  warn't 
nothin  in  comparison  to  my  trubles.  I  come  pesky*  near 
swearin  sum  profane  oaths  more'n  onct,  but  I  hope  I  didn't 
do  it,  for  I  Ve  promist  she  whose  name  shall  be  nameless  (ex- 
cept that  her  initials  is  Betsy  J.)  that  I  '11  jine  the  Meetin 
House  at  Baldinsville,  jest  as  soon  as  I  can  scrape  money  enufi 
together  so  I  can  'ford  to  be  piuss  in  good  stile,  like  my  welthy 
nabers.  But  if  I  'm  confisticated  agin  I  'm  fraid  I  shall  con- 
tinner  on  in  my  present  benited  state  for  sum  time. 

I  figgered  conspicyusly  in  many  thrillin  scenes  in  my  tower 
from  Montgomry  to  my  humsted,  and  on  sevril  occasions  I 
thought  "  the  grate  komick  paper "  wouldn't  be  inriched  no 
more  with  my  lubrications.  Arter  biddin  adoo  to  Jefferson 
D.  I  started  for  the  depot.  I  saw  a  nigger  sittin  on  a  fence 
a-playin  on  a  banjo.  "  My  Afrikan  Brother,"  sed  I,  coting 
from  a  Track  I  onct  red,  "  you  belong  to  a  very  interesting 
•ace.  Your  masters  is  going  to  war  excloosively  on  your 
iccount." 

"  Yes,   boss,"  t   he  replied,    "  an'   I   wish  'em  honorable 

*  Confoundedly,  excessively  ;  a  New  England  expression,  the  origin  of 
which  lexicographers  have  not  been  able  to  determine. 

t  The  terms  "  master "  and  "  servant "  grate  upon  the  cars  of  all 
Americana.    With  them  the  employer  is  a  6os«,  and  the  seryant  a  }^lp. 


THRILLING  SCEENS  IN  DIXIE.  119 

graves  !'*  and  he  went  on  playin  the  banjo,  larfin  all  over  and 
openin  his  mouth  wide  enuflf  to  drive  in  an  old-fashioned  2 
wheeled  chaise. 

The  train  of  cars  in  which  I  was  to  trust  my  wallerable  life 
was  the  scaliest,  rickytiest  lookin  lot  of  consarns  that  I  ever 
saw  on  wheels  afore.  "  What  time  does  this  string  of  second- 
hand coffins  leave  ? "  I  inquired  of  the  depot  master.  He  sed 
direckly,  and  I  went  in  <k  sot  down.  I  hadn't  more  'n  fairiy 
squatted  afore  a  dark  lookin  man  with  a  swinister  expression 
onto  his  countenance  entered  the  cars,  and  lookin  very  sharp 
at  me,  he  axed  what  was  my  principles  1 

"  Secesh  !  "  I  ansered.  "  I  'm  a  Dissoluter.  I  *m  in  favor 
of  Jeff  Davis,  Bowregard,  Pickens,  Capt.  Kidd,  Bloobeard, 
Munro  Edards,  the  devil,  Mrs  Cunningham,  and  all  the  rest 
of  'em." 

"  You  're  in  favor  of  the  war  \ " 

"  Certingly.  By  all  means.  I  'm  in  favor  of  this  war  and 
also  of  the  next  war.  I  've  been  in  favor  of  the  next  war  for 
over  sixteen  years !  " 

"  War  to  the  knive  ! "  sed  the  man. 

"  Blud,  Eargo,  blud!"  sed  I,  tho  them  words  isn't  origgernal 
with  me.  Them  words  was  rit  by  Shakspeare,  who  is  ded. 
He  mantle  fell  onto  the  author  of  "  The  Seven  Sisters,"  who's 
goin  to  hav  a  Spring  overcoat  made  out  of  it. 

We  got  under  way  at  larst,  an*  proceeded  on  our  jerney  at 
about  the  rate  of  speed  which  is  ginrally  obsarved  by  properly- 
conducted  funeral  processions.  A  hansum  yung  gal,  with  a 
red  musketer  bar*  on  the  back  side  of  her  hed,  and  a  sassy 
little  black  hat  tipt  over  her  forrerd,  sot  in  the  seat  with  me. 
She  wore  a  little  Sesesh  flag  pin'd  onto  her  hat,  and  she  wa* 
a  goin  for  to  see  her  troo  love,  who  had  jined  the  Southern 


*  The  piece  of  gauze  or  muslin  worn  around  the  bed  in  summer 
as  a  protection  from  the  moaquitoa,  not  unlike,  according  to  Mr  Ward'a 
ideas,  a  lady's  long  yeiL 


120  THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE. 

army,  all  so  bold  and  gay.  So  she  told  me.  She  was  chilly, 
and  I  offered  her  my  blanket. 

«  Father  livin?"  I  axed. 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  Got  any  Uncles  ? " 

"  A  heap.     Uncle  Thomas  is  ded,  tho.** 

"  Peace  to  Uncle  Thomas's  ashes,  and  success  to  him  !  1 
will  be  your  Uncle  Thomas  !  Lean  on  me,  my  pretty  Secesher, 
and  linger  in  Blissful  repose ! "  She  slept  as  secoorly  as  in 
her  own  housen,  and  didn't  disturb  the  solium  stillness  of  the 
night  with  'ary  snore ! 

At  the  first  station  a  troop  of  Sojers  entered  the  cars  and 
inquired  if  "  Old  Wax  Works  "  was  on  bored.  That  was  the 
disrespectiv  stile  in  which  they  referred  to  me.  "  Becawz  if 
Old  Wax  Works  is  on  bored,"  sez  a  man  with  a  face  like  a 
double-brested  lobster,  "we're  going  to  hang  Old  Wax  Works!" 

"  My  illustrious  and  patriotic  Bummers  ! "  sez  I,  a  gittin  up 
and  takin  orf  my  Shappo,  "  if  you  allude  to  A.  Ward,  it 's  my 
pleasin  dooty  to  inform  you  that  he 's  ded.  He  saw  the  error 
of  his  ways  at  15  minits  parst  2  yesterday,  and  stabbed  hisself 
with  a  stuffed  sled-stake,  dying  in  five  beautiful  tabloos  to 
slow  moosic !  His  larst  words  was  :  '  My  perfeshernal  career 
is  over !     I  jerk  no  more  ! '" 

"  And  who  be  you  % " 

"  I  'm  a  stoodent  in  Senater  Benjamin's  law  offiss.  I  'm 
going  up  North  to  steal  some  spoons  and  things  for  the 
Southern  Army." 

This  was  satisfactry,  and  the  intossicated  troopers  went  orf. 
At  the  next  station  the  pretty  little  Secesher  awoke  and  sed 
she  must  git  out  there.  I  bid  her  a  kind  adoo  and  giv  her 
sum  pervisions.  "  Accept  my  blessin  and  this  hunk  of  ginger- 
bread 1 "  I  sed.  She  thankt  me  muchly  and  tript  galy  away. 
There 's  considerable  human  nater  in  a  man,  and  I  'm  fraid  1 
shall  allers  giv  aid  and  comfort  to  the  enemy  if  he  cums  to  me 
in  the  shape  of  a  nice  young  gal. 


THRILLING  SCENES  IN  DIXIE,  121 

At  the  next  station  I  didn't  get  orf  so  easy.  I  was  dragged 
out  of  the  cars  and  rolled  in  the  mud  for  several  minits,  for 
the  purpose  of  *'  takin  the  conseet  out  of  me,"  as  a  Secesher 
kindly  stated. 

I  was  let  up  finally,  when  a  powerful  large  Secesher  came  up 
and  embraced  me,  and  to  show  that  he  had  no  hard  feelins  agin 
me,  put  his  nose  into  my  mouth.  I  returned  the  compliment 
by  placir  my  stummick  suddenly  agin  his  right  foot,  when  he 
kmdly  made  a  spittoon  of  his  able-bodied  face.  Actooated  by 
a  desire  to  see  whether  the  Secesher  had  bin  vaxinated  I  then 
fastened  my  teeth  onto  his  left  coat-sleeve  and  tore  it  to  the 
shoulder.  We  then  vilently  bunted  our  heads  together  for  a 
few  minits,  danced  around  a  little,  and  sot  down  in  a  mud 
puddle.  We  riz  to  our  feet  agin  &  by  a  sudden  and  adroit 
movement  I  placed  my  left  eye  agin  the  Secesher  s  fist.  We 
then  rushed  into  each  other's  arms  and  fell  under  a  two-hoss 
wagon.  I  was  very  much' exhaustid  and  didn't  care  about 
gittin  up  agin,  but  the  man  said  he  reckoned  I  'd  better,  and  I 
conclooded  I  would.  He  pulled  me  up,  but  I  hadn't  bin  on  my 
feet  more'n  two  seconds  afore  the  ground  flew  up  and  hit  me 
in  the  hed.  The  crowd  sed  it  was  high  old  sport,  but  I  couldn't 
zackly  see  where  the  lafture  come  in.  I  riz  and  we  embraced 
agin.  We  careered  madly  to  a  steep  bank,  when  I  got  the 
upper  hands  of  my  antaggernist  and  threw  him  into  the  raveen. 
He  fell  about  forty  feet,  striking  a  grindstone  pretty  hard.  I 
understood  he  was  injured.  I  haven't  heard  from  the  grind- 
stone. 

A  man  in  a  cockt  hat  cum  up  and  sed  he  felt  as  though  a 
apology  was  doo  me.  There  was  a  mistake.  The  crowd  had 
taken  me  for  another  man  !  I  told  him  not  to  mention  it,  and 
axed  him  if  his  wife  and  little  ones  was  so  as  to  be  about,  and 
got  on  bored  the  train,  which  had  stopped  at  that  station  "  20 
minits  for  refreshments."  I  got  all  I  wantid.  It  was  the 
hartiest  meal  I  ever  et. 

I  was  rid  on  a  rale  the  next  day,  a  bunch  of  blazin  fire 


122  FOURTH  OF  JUL  V  ORA  TION. 

crackers  bein  tied  to  my  coat  tales.  It  was  a  fine  spectycal  in 
a  dramatic  pint  of  view,  but  I  didn't  enjoy  it.  I  had  other 
adventers  of  a  startlin  kind,  but  why  continner?  Why 
lasserate  the  Public  Boozum  with  these  here  things  ?  Sufiysit 
to  say  I  got  across  Mason  &  Dixie's*  line  safe  at  last.  I  made 
tracks  for  my  humsted,  but  she  to  whom  I  'm  harnist  for  life 
failed  to  recognize,  in  the  emashiated  bein  who  stood  before 
her,  the  gushin  youth  of  forty-six  summers  who  had  left  her 
only  a  few  months  afore.  But  I  went  into  the  pantry,  and 
brought  out  a  certin  black  bottle.  Eaisin  it  to  my  lips,  I 
sed  "  Here 's  to  you,  old  gal  ! "  I  did  it  so  natral  that  she 
knowed  me  at  once.  "  Those  form  !  Them  voice !  That 
natral  stile  of  doin  things !  'Tis  he  !  "  she  cried,  and  rushed 
into  my  arms.  It  was  too  much  for  her  &  she  fell  into  a  swoon. 
I  cum  very  near  swoundin  myself. 

No  more  to-day  from  yours  for  the  Pepetration  of  the  Union, 
and  the  bringin  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  out  of  her  uresent 
bad  fix. 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION, 

Delivered  July  4,  at  Weather sfield^  Connecticut,  1859. 

[I  delivered  the  follerin,  about  two  years  ago,  to  a  large  and  discrimi- 
nating awjince.  I  was  96  rainits  passin  a  given  pint.  I  liave  revised  the 
orashun,  and  added  sum  things  which  makes  it  approposser  to  the  times 
than  it  otherwise  would  be.  I  have  also  corrected  the  grammers  and 
punktooated  it.  I  do  my  own  punktooatin  now  days.  The  printers  in 
Vanity  Fair  ofl&ss  can't  punktooate  worth  a  cent.] 

Feller  Citizens, — I  've  been  honored  with  a  invite  to  norate 
before  you  to-day  ;  and  when  I  say  that  I  skurcely  feel  ekal  to 
the  task,  I  'm  sure  you  will  believe  me. 

*  Mason  and  Dixon's  line,  the  geographical  boundary  between  the 
North  and  South,  the  Slave  and  the  Free  States. 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION,  123 

Weathersfield  is  justly  celebrated  for  her  onyins  aud 
patritism  the  world  over,  and  to  be  axed  to  paws  and  address 
you  on  this,  my  fust  perfeshernal  tower  threw  New  Englan, 
causes  me  to  feel — to  feel — I  may  say  it  causes  me  to  fed. 
(Grate  applaws.  They  thought  this  was  one  of  my  eccen- 
tricities, while  the  fact  is  I  was  stuck.  This  between  you 
and  I.) 

I'm  a  plane  man.  I  don't  know  nothin  about  no  ded 
languages  and  am  a  little  shaky  on  livin  ones.  There4,  ex- 
pect no  flowry  talk  from  me.  What  I  shall  say  will  be  to  the 
pint,  right  strate  out. 

I  'm  not  a  politician  and  my  other  habits  air  good.  I  've  no 
enemys  to  reward,  nor  friends  to  sponge.  But  I  'm  a  Union 
man.  I  luv  the  Union — it  is  a  Big  thing — and  it  makes  my 
hart  bleed  to  see  a  lot  of  ornery  peple  a-movin  heaven — no, 
not  heaven,  but  the  other  place — and  earth,  to  bust  it  up.  Too 
much  good  blud  was  spilt  in  courtin  and  marryin  that  hily 
respectable  female  the  Goddess  of  Liberty,  to  git  a  divorce 
from  her  now.  My  own  State  of  Injianny  is  celebrated  for 
unhitchin  marrid  peple  with  neatness  and  dispatch,  but  you 
can't  git  a  divorce  from  the  Goddess  up  there.  Not  by  no 
means.  The  old  gal  has  behaved  herself  too  well  to  cast  her 
off  now.  I  'm  sorry  the  picters  don't  give  her  no  shoes  or 
stockins,  but  the  band  of  stars  upon  her  hed  must  continner 
to  sliine  undimd,  forever.  Ime  for  the  Union  as  she  air,  and 
whithered  be  the  arm  of  every  ornery  cuss  who  attempts  to 
bust  her  up.  That 's  me.  I  have  sed  !  [It  was  a  very  sweaty 
day,  and  at  this  pint  of  the  orashun  a  man  fell  down  with 
sunstroke.  I  told  the  awjince  that  considerin  the  large  num- 
ber of  putty  gals  present  I  was  more  fraid  of  a  DAWTER 
STROKE.  This  was  impromptoo,  and  seemed  to  amoose  them 
▼ery  much.] 

Feller  Citizens, — I  hain't  got  time  to  notis  the  growth  of 
Ameriky  frum  the  time  when  the  Mayflowers  cum  over  in  the 
Pilgrim  and  brawt  Plymmuth  Kock  with  him,  but  every  skool 


124  FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION. 

boy  nose  our  kareer  has  bin  tremenjis.  You  will  excuse  me  if 
I  don't  prase  the  erly  settlers  of  the  Kolonies.  Peple  which 
hung  idiotic  old  wimin  for  witches,  burnt  holes  in  Quakers' 
tongues  and  consined  their  feller  critters  to  the  tredmill  and 
pillery  on  the  slitest  provocashun  may  have  bin  very  nice  folks 
in  their  way,  but  I  must  confess  I  don't  admire  their  stile,  and 
will  pass  them  by.  I  spose  they  ment  well,  and  so,  in  the 
novel  and  techin  langwidge  of  the  nusepapers,  "  peas  to  their 
ashis."  Thare  was  no  diskount,  however,  on  them  brave  men 
who  fit,  bled  and  died  in  the  American  Revolushun.  We 
needn't  be  afraid  of  setting  'em  up  two  steep.  Like  mj  show, 
they  will  stand  any  amount  of  prase.  G.  Washington  was 
abowt  the  best  man  this  world  ever  sot  eyes  on.  He  was  a 
clear-heded,  warm-harted,  and  stiddy  goin  man.  He  never 
slopt  over  !  The  prevailin  weakness  of  most  public  men  is  to 
SLOP  OVER !  [Put  them  words  in  large  letters.— A.  W.] 
They  git  filled  up  and  slop.  They  Rush  Things.  They  travel 
too  much  on  the  high  presher  principle.  They  git  on  to  the 
fust  poplar  hobby-hoss  whitch  trots  along,  not  carin  a  sent 
whether  the  beest  is  even  goin,  clear  sited  and  sound  or 
spavined,  blind  and  bawky.  Of  course  they  git  throwed 
eventooually,  if  not  sooner.  When  they  see  the  multitood  goin 
it  blind  they  go  Pel  Mel  with  it,  instid  of  exertin  theirselves 
to  set  it  right.  They  can't  see  that  the  crowd  which  is  now 
bearin  them  triumfuntly  on  its  shoulders  will  soon  diskiver  its 
error  and  cast  them  into  the  boss  pond  of  Oblivyun,  without 
the  slitest  hesitashun.  Washington  never  slopt  over.  That 
wasn't  George's  stile.  He  luved  his  country  dearly.  He 
wasn't  after  the  spiles.  He  was  a  human  angil  in  a  3  kornerd 
hat  and  knee  britches,  and  we  shan't  see  his  like  right  away. 
My  frends,  we  can't  all  be  Washington's,  but  we  kin  all  be 
patrits  and  behave  ourselves  in  a  human  and  a  Christian  man- 
ner. When  we  see  a  brother  goin  down  hill  to  Ruin,  let  ua 
not  give  him  a  push,  but  let  us  seeze  rite  hold  of  his  coat-tails 
and  draw  him  back  to  Morality. 


FOURTH  OF  JULY  ORATION.  125 

Imagine  G.  Washington  and  P.  Henry  in  the  character  of 
icseshers !  As  well  fancy  John  Bunyan  and  Dr  Watts  in 
spangled  tites,  doin  the  trapeze  in  a  one-horse  circus ! 

I  tell  you,  feller-citizens,  it  would  have  bin  ten  dollars  in 
Jeff  Davis's  pocket  if  he  'd  never  bin  born  ! 

Be  shure  and  vote  at  leest  once  at  all  elecshuns.  Buckle  on 
yer  Armer  and  go  to  the  Poles.  See  two  it  that  your  naber  is 
there.  See  that  the  kripples  air  provided  with  carriages.  Go 
to  the  poles  and  stay  all  day.  Bewair  of  the  infamous  lise 
wliitch  the  Opposishun  will  be  sartin  to  git  up  fur  perlitical 
effek  on  the  eve  of  eleckshun.  To  the  poles  !  and  when  you 
git  there  vote  jest  as  you  darn  please.  This  is  a  privilege  we 
all  persess,  and  it  is  1  of  the  booties  of  this  grate  and  free 
land. 

I  see  mutch  to  admire  in  New  Englan.  Your  gals  in  par- 
ticklar  air  abowt  as  snug  bilt  peaces  of  Calliker  as  I  ever  saw. 
They  air  fully  equal  to  the  com  fed  gals  of  Ohio  and  Injianny, 
and  will  make  the  bestest  kind  of  wives.  It  sets  my  Buzzum 
on  fire  to  look  at  'em. 

Be  still,  my  sole,  be  still, 

&  you,  Hart,  stop  cuttin  up  ! 

I  like  your  skool  houses,  your  meetin  houses,  your  enterprise, 
gumpshun,  &c.,  but  your  favorit  Bevridge  I  disgust.  I  allude 
to  New  England  Rum.  It  is  wuss  nor  the  korn  whisky  of 
Injianny,  which  eats  threw  stone  jugs  &  will  turn  the  stummuck 
of  the  most  shiftliss  Hog.  I  seldom  seek  consolashun  in  the 
flowin  Bole,  but  tother  day  I  wurrid  down  some  of  your  Rum. 
The  fust  glass  indused  me  to  sware  like  a  infooriated  trooper. 
On  takin  the  secund  glass  I  was  seezed  with  a  desire  to  break 
winders,  &  arter  imbibin  the  third  glass  I  knockt  a  small  boy 
down,  pickt  his  pocket  of  a  New  York  Ledger,  and  wildly 
commenced  readin  Sylvanus  Kobb's  last  Tail.  Its  drefful 
stuff — ^a  sort  of  lickwid  litenin,  gut   up  under  the  personal 


126  THE  WAR  FEVER 

siipervisliim  of  the  devil — tears  men's  inards  all  to  peaces  and 
makes  their  noses  blossum  as  the  Lobster.  Shun  it  as  you 
would  a  wild  hyeny  with  a  fire  brand  tied  to  his  tale,  and 
while  you  air  abowt  it  you  will  do  a  first  rate  thing  for  your- 
self and  everybody  abowt  you  by  shunnin  all  kinds  of 
intoxicatin  lickers.  You  don't  need  'em  no  more  'n  a  cat  needs 
2  tales,  sayin  nothin  abowt  the  trubble  and  sufi'erin  they  cawse. 
But  unless  your  inards  air  cast  iron,  avoid  New  Englan's 
favorite  Bevrige. 

My  friends,  I  'm  dun.  I  tear  myself  away  from  you  with 
tears  in  my  eyes  &  a  pleasant  oder  of  Onyins  abowt  my  close. 
In  the  langwidge  of  Mister  Catterline  to  the  Rummuns,  I  go, 
but  perhaps  I  shall  cum  back  agin.  Adoo,  peple  of  Wethers- 
field.    Be  virtoous  &  you  '11  be  happy ! 


THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

As  soon  as  I  'd  recooperated  my  physikil  system,  I  went 
over  into  the  village.  The  peasantry  was  glad  to  see  me.  The 
skoolmaster  sed  it  was  cheerin  to  see  that  gigantic  intelleck 
among  'em  onct  more.  That 's  what  he  called  me.  I  like  the 
skoolmaster,  and  allers  send  him  tobacker  when  I  'm  off  on  a 
travelin  campane.  Besides,  he  is  a  very  sensible  man.  Such 
men  must  be  encouraged. 

They  don't  git  news  very  fast  in  Baldinsville,  as  nothin  but 
a  plank  road  runs  in  there  twice  a  week,  and  that 's  very  much 
out  of  repair.  So  my  nabers  wasn't  much  posted  up  in  regard 
to  the  wars.  'Squire  Baxter  sed  he  'd  voted  the  dimicratic 
ticket  for  goin  on  forty  year,  and  the  war  was  a  dam  black  re- 
publican lie.  Jo.  Stackpole,  who  kills  hogs  for  the  'Squire, 
and  has  got  a  powerful  muscle  into  his  arms,  sed  he  'd  bet  5 
dollars  he  could  lick  the  Crisis  in  a  fair  stand-up  fight,  if  he 
wouldn't  draw  a  knife  on  him.     So  it  went — sum  was  for  war, 


•     IN  BALDINSVILLE.  127 

and  sum  was  for  peace.  The  skoolmaster,  however,  sed  the 
Slave  Oligarky  must  cower  at  the  feet  of  the  North  ere  a  year 
hed  flowed  by,  or  pass  over  his  dead  corpse.  "  Esto  per- 
petua  ! "  he  added.  "  And  sine  qua  non  also  !  "  sed  I,  sternly, 
wishin  to  make  a  impression  onto  the  villagers.  "  Requiescat 
in  pace  ! "  sed  the  schoolmaster.  "  Too  troo,  too  troo  !  "  I 
anserd,  "  it 's  a  scanderlus  fact ! " 

The  newspapers  got  along  at  last,  chock  full  of  war,  and  the 
patriotic  fever  fairly  bust  out  in  Baldinsville.  'Squire  Baxter 
sed  he  didn't  b'lieve  in  Coercion,  not  one  of  'em,  and  could 
prove  by  a  file  of  Eagles  of  Liberty  in  his  garrit,  that  it  was  all 
a  Whig  lie,  got  up  to  raise  the  price  of  whisky  and  destroy 
our  other  liberties.  But  the  old  'Squire  got  putty  riley,  when 
he  heard  how  the  rebels  was  cuttin  up,  and  he  sed  he  reckoned 
he  should  skour  up  his  old  muskit  and  do  a  little  square  fitin 
for  the  Old  Flag,  which  had  allers  bin  on  the  ticket  he  'd  voted, 
and  he  was  too  old  to  Bolt  now.  The  'Squire  is  all  right  at 
heart,  but  it  takes  longer  for  him  to  fill  his  venerable  Biler 
with  steam  than  it  used  to  when  he  was  young  and  frisky. 
As  I  previously  informed  you,  I  am  Captin  of  the  Baldinsville 
Company.  I  riz  gradooally  but  majesticly  from  drummer's 
Secretary  to  my  present  position.  But  I  found  the  ranks 
wasn't  full  by  no  means,  and  commenced  for  to  recroot. 
Havin  notist  a  gineral  desire  on  the  part  of  young  men  who 
are  into  the  Crisis  to  wear  eppylits,  I  determined  to  have  my 
company  composed  excloosively  of  ofiissers,  everybody  to  rank 
as  Brigadeer-Ginral.  The  follerin  was  among  the  vans  ques- 
tions which  I  put  to  recroots  : — 

Do  you  know  a  masked  battery  from  a  hunk  of  ginger- 
bread ] 

Do  you  know  a  eppylit  from  a  piece  of  chalk  ? 

If  I  trust  you  with  a  real  gun,  how  many  men  of  your  own 
company  do  you  speck  you  can  manage  to  kill  durin  the  war  ? 

Hav  you  ever  heard  of  Ginral  Price  of  Missouri,  and  can 
you  avoid  simler  accidents  vx  case  of  a  battle  I 


128  THE  WAR  FEVER  IN  BALDINSVILLE, 

Hav  you  ever  had  the  measles,  and  if  so,  how  many  t 

How  air  you  now  % 

Show  me  your  tongue,  &c.,  &c.  Sum  of  the  questions  was 
sarcussticah 

The  company  filled  up  rapid,  and  last  Sunday  we  went  to 
the  meetin  house  in  full  uniform.  I  had  a  seris  time  gittin 
into  my  military  harness,  as  it  was  bilt  for  me  many  years 
ago  ;  but  I  finally  got  inside  of  it,  tho'  it  fitted  me  putty  clo»t. 
Howsever,  onct  into  it,  I  lookt  fine — in  fact,  aw-insj)irin.  "  Do 
you  know  me,  Mrs  Ward  % "  sed  I,  walkin  into  the  kitchin. 

"  Know  you,  you  old  fool  ?     Of  course  I  do." 

I  saw  at  once  she  did. 

I  started  for  the  meetin  house,  and  I  'm  afraid  I  tried  to 
walk  too  strate,  for  I  cum  very  near  fallin  over  backards ;  and 
in  attemptin  to  recover  myself,  my  sword  got  mixed  up  with 
my  legs,  and  I  fell  in  among  a  choice  collection  of  young 
ladies  who  was  standin  near  the  church  door  a-seein  the  sojer 
boys  come  up.  My  cockt  hat  fell  off",  and  sumhow  my  coat 
tales  got  twisted  round  my  neck.  The  young  ladies  put  their 
handkerchers  to  their  mouths  and  remarked,  "  Te  he,"  while 
my  ancient  female  single  friend,  Sary  Peasley,  bust  out  into  a 
loud  larf.  She  exercised  her  mouth  so  vilently  that  her  new 
false  teeth  fell  out  onto  the  ground. 

"  Miss  Peasley,"  sed  I,  gittin  up  and  dustin  myself,  "  you 
must  be  more  careful  with  them  store  teeth  of  your'n  or  you  'II 
have  to  gum  it  agin  ! " 

Methinks  I  had  her. 

I  'd  bin  to  work  hard  all  the  week,  and  I  felt  rather  snoozy. 
I'm  'fraid  I  did  git  half  asleep,  for  on  hearin  the  minister  ask, 
"  Why  was  man  made  to  mourn  ? "  I  sed,  "  I  giv  it  up,"  havin 
A  vague  idee  that  it  was  a  condrum.  It  was  a  onfortnit  remark, 
for  the  whole  meetin  house  lookt  at  me  with  mingled  surprise 
and  indignation.  I  was  about  risin  to  a  pint  of  order,  when 
it  suddenly  occurd  to  me  whare  I  was,  and  I  kept  my  seat, 
blushin  like  the  red,  red  T*ose — so  to  speak. 


INTERVIEW  WITH  PRINCE  NAPOLEON.        129 

The  next  morning  I  *rose  with  the  lark.  (N.B, — I  don't  sleep 
with  the  lark,  tho'.     A  goak.) 

M7  little  dawter  was  execootin  ballids,  accompanyin  her- 
self with  the  Akordeon,  and  she  wisht  me  to  linger  and  hear 
her  sing  "Hark  I  hear  a  angel  singin,  a  angel  now  is  onto 
the  wing." 

"  Let  him  fly,  my  child  I  "  said  I,  a-bucklin  on  my  armer ; 
"  I  must  forth  to  my  Biz." 

"We  air  progressin  pretty  well  with  our  drill.  As  all  air 
commandin  offissers,  there  ain't  no  jelusy  j  and  as  we  air  all 
exceedin  smart,  it  faint  worth  while  to  try  to  outstrip  each 
other.  The  idee  of  a  company  composed  excloosively  of  Com- 
manders-in-Chiefs,  orriggemated,  I  spose  I  skurcely  need  say, 
in  these  Brane.  Considered  as  a,  idee,  I  flatter  myself  it  is 
putty  hefty.  We  've  got  all  the  tackticks  at  our  tongs'  ends, 
but  what  we  particly  excel  in  is  restin  muskits.  "We  can 
rest  muskits  with  anybody. 

Our  corpse  will  do  its  dooty.  We  go  to  the  aid  of  Columby 
— ^we  fight  for  the  stars  ! 

"We  11  be  chopt  into  sassige  meat  before  we  '11  exhibit  our 
coat-tales  to  the  foe. 

We  '11  fight  till  there 's  nothin  left  of  us  but  our  little  toes, 
and  even  they  shall  defiantly  wiggle  ! — "  Ever  of  thee," 

A.  Wakd. 


INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRINCE  NAPOLEON. 

NOTWITHSTANDIN  I  haint  writ  much  for  the  papers  of  late, 
nobody  needn't  flatter  theirselves  that  the  undersined  is  ded. 
On  the  contry,  "I  still  live,'*  which  words  was  spoken  by 
Danyil  Webster,  who  was  a  able  man.  Even  the  old-hne 
whigs  of  Boston  will  admit  tJiaL  "Webster  is  ded  now,  hows- 
ever,  and  his  mantle  has  probly  fallen  into  the  hands  of  sum 
dealer  in  2nd  hand  dose,  who  can't  sell  it.     Leastways  no- 

I 


130  INTERVIEW  WITH  THE 

body  pears  to  be  goin  round  wearin  it  to  any  perticler  extent, 
now  days.  The  rigiment  of  whom  I  was  kurnel,  finerly  con- 
cluded they  was  better  adapted  as  Home  Gards,  which  accounts 
for  your  not  hearin  of  me,  ear  this,  where  the  hauls  is  the 
thickest  and  where  the  cannon  doth  roar.  But  as  a  American 
citizen  I  shall  never  cease  to  admire  the  masterly  advance  our 
troops  made  on  Washington  from  Bull  Eun,  a  short  time  ago. 
It  was  well  dun.  I  spoke  to  my  wife  'bout  it  at  the  time.  My 
wife  sed  it  was  well  dun. 

It  havin  there4  bin  detarmined  to  pertect  Baldinsville  at  all 
hazzuds,  and  as  there  was  no  apprehensions  of  any  immejit 
danger,  I  thought  I  would  go  orf  onto  a  pleasure  tower. 
Accordinly  I  put  on  a  clean  Biled  Shirt  and  started  for  Wash- 
inton.  I  went  there  to  see  the  Prints  Napoleon,  and  not  to 
see  the  place,  which  I  will  here  take  occasion  to  obsarve  is 
about  as  uninterestin  a  locality  as  there  is  this  side  of  J.  Davis's 
future  home,  if  he  ever  does  die,  and  where  I  reckon  they  '11 
make  it  so  warm  for  him  that  he  will  si  for  his  summer  close. 
It  is  easy  enough  to  see  why  a  man  goes  to  the  poor  house  or 
the  penitentiary.  It 's  becawz  he  can't  help  it.  But  why  he 
should  woluntarily  go  and  live  in  Washinton,  is  intirely  beyond 
my  comprehension,  and  I  can't  say  no  fairer  nor  that. 

I  put  up  to  a  leadin  hotel.  I  saw  the  landlord  and  sed, 
"  How  d'ye  do.  Square  ? "  * 

"  Fifty  cents,  sir,"  was  his  reply. 

^'Sir?" 

*'  Half-a-doUar.  We  charge  twenty-five  cents  for  lookin  at 
the  landlord  and  fifty  cents  for  speakin  to  him.  If  you  want 
supper,  a  boy  will  show  you  to  the  dinin  room  for  twenty-five 
cents.  Your  room  bein  in  the  tenth  story,  it  will  cost  you  a 
dollar  to  be  shown  up  there." 

"  How  much  do  ax  a  man  for  breathin  in  this  equinomikal 
tarvun  ? "  sed  I. 

"  Ten  cents  a  Breth,"  was  his  reply. 

*  See  foot-Dote,  p  ^^, 


PRINCE  NAPOLEON.  131 

Washinton  hotels  is  very  reasonable  in  their  charges.  [N.B. 
I— This  is  Sarkassum.] 

I  sent  up  my  keerd  to  the  Prints,  and  was  immejitly  ushered 
before  him.     He  received  me  kindly,  and  axed  me  to  sit  down. 

"  I  hav  cum  to  pay  my  respecks  to  you,  Mister  Napoleon, 
hopin  I  see  you  hale  and  harty." 

"  I  am  quite  well,"  he  sed.     "  Air  you  well,  sir  ? " 

"  Sound  as  a  cuss  !  "  I  answerd. 

He  seemed  to  be  pleased  with  my  ways,  and  we  entered  into 
conversation  to  onct. 

"  How 's  Lewis  % "  I  axed,  and  he  sed  the  Emperor  was  well. 
Eugeny  was  likewise  well,  he  sed.  Then  I  axed  him  was 
Lewis  a  good  provider  ?  did  he  cum  home  arly  nites  ?  did  he 
perfoom  her  bedroom  at  a  onseasonable  hour  with  gin  and 
tanzy  ?*  did  he  go  to  "the  Lodge"  on  nites  when  there  wasn't 
any  Lodge  1  did  he  often  hav  to  go  down  town  to  meet  a 
friend  ]  did  he  hav  a  extensiv  acquaintance  among  poor  young 
widders  whose  husbands  was  in  CaUforny  % — to  all  of  whicli 
questions  the  Prints  perlitely  replide,  givin  me  to  understan 
that  the  Emperor  was  behavin  well. 

"  I  ax  these  questions,  my  royal  duke  and  most  noble  big- 
ness and  imperials,  becaws  I'm  anxious  to  know  how  he 
stands  as  a  man.  I  know  he 's  smart.  He  is  cunnin,  he  is 
long-heded,  he  is  deep — he  is  grate.  But  onless  he  is  good 
he'll  come  down  with  a  crash  one  of  these  days,  and  the 
Bonyparts  will  be  Bustid  up  agin.     Bet  yer  life  ! " 

"  Air  you  a  preacher,  sir  %  "  he  inquired,  slitely  sarkasticul. 

**  No,  sir.  But  I  bleeve  in  morality.  I  likewise  bleeve  in 
Meetin  Houses.  Show  me  a  place  where  there  isn't  any  Meetin 
Houses  and  where  preachers  is  never  seen,  and  I  '11  show  you 
a  place  where  old  hats  air  stuffed  into  broken  winders,  where 
the  children  air  dirty  and  ragged,  where  gates  have  no  hinges, 
where  the  wimin  are  slipshod,  and  where  maps  of  the  devil's 

•  The  bitters  sold  in  most  American  bar-rooms,  frequently  taken  with 
raw  artirita  as  a  corrective. 


152  INTERVIEW  WITH  THE 

"  wilJ  land*'  air  painted  upon  men's  sliirt-bosums  with  tobacco- 
joocy3 !  That 's  what  I  '11  show  you.  Let  us  consider  what 
the  preachers  do  for  us  before  we  aboose  'em." 

He  sed  he  didn't  mean  to  aboose  the  clergy,  not  at  all,  and 
he  was  happy  to  see  that  I  was  interested  in  the  Bonypart 
family. 

*'  It 's  a  grate  family,"  sed  I.  **  But  they  scooped  the  old 
man  in." 

"How,  sir!" 

"Napoleon  the  Grand.  The  Britishers  scooped  him  at 
"Waterloo.  He  wanted  to  do  too  much,  and  he  did  it !  They 
scooped  him  in  at  Waterloo,  and  he  subsekently  died  at  St 
Heleny !  There 's  where  the  gratest  milingtary  man  this 
world  ever  projuced  pegged  out.  It  was  rather  hard  to  con- 
sine  such  a  man  as  him  to  St  Heleny,  to  spend  his  larst  daj^s 
in  catchin  mackeril,  and  walking  up  and  down  the  dreary 
beach  in  milingtary  cloak  drawn  titely  round  him  (see  picter- 
books),  but  so  it  was.  *  Hed  of  the  Army  ! '  Them  was  his 
larst  words.  So  he  had  bin.  He  was  grate  !  Don't  I  wish  we 
had  a  pair  of  his  old  boots  to  command  sum  of  our  Brigades  ! " 

This  pleased  Jerome,  and  he  took  me  warmly  by  the  hand. 

"  Alexander  the  Grate  was  punkins,"  *  I  continnered,  "  but 
Napoleon  was  punkinser !  Alic.  wept  becaws  there  was  no 
more  worlds  to  scoop,  and  then  t'^ok  to  drinkin.  He  drowndid 
his  sorrers  in  the  flowin  bole,  and  the  flowing  bole  was  too 
much  for  him.  It  ginerally  is.  He  undertook  to  give  a  snake 
exhibition  in  his  boots,  but  it  killed  him.  That  was  a  bad 
joke  on  Alic  ! '' 

"  Since  you  air  so  solicitous  about  France  and  the  Emperor, 
may  I  ask  you  how  your  own  country  is  getting  along  ? "  sed 
Jerome,  in  a  pleasant  voice. 

"  It's  mixed,"  I  sed.  "  But  I  think  we  shall  cum  out  all 
right." 

*  Somt  pumjpkinSj  an  American  expression  of  praise  or  congratulation, 
a3od  in  opposition  to  the  equally  elegant  phrase  "  small  potatoes.'' 


PRINCE  NAPOLEON.  133 

"  Columbus,  when  he  diskivered  this  magnificent  continent, 
could  hav  had  no  idee  of  the  grandeur  it  would  one  day 
assoom,"  sed  the  Prints. 

"  It  cost  Columbus  twenty  thousand  dollars  to  fit  out  his 
explorin  expedition,"  sed  I.  "  If  he  had  bin  a  sensible  man 
he  'd  hav  put  the  money  in  a  boss  railroad  or  a  gas  company, 
and  left  this  magnificent  continent  to  intelligent  savages,  who 
when  they  got  hold  of  a  good  thing  knew  enuff  to  keep  it, 
and  who  wouldn't  have  seceded,  nor  rebelled,  nor  knockt 
Liberty  in  the  bed  with  a  slungshot.  Columbus  wasn't  much 
of  a  feller,  after  all.  It  would  hav  bin  money  in  my  pocket 
if  he  'd  staid  to  home.  Chris,  ment  well,  but  he  put  his  foot 
in  it  when  he  saled  for  America." 

We  talked  sum  more  about  matters  and  things,  and  at  larst 
I  riz  to  go.  "I  will  now  say  good  bye  to  you,  noble  sir,  and 
good  luck  to  you.  Likewise  the  same  to  Clotildy.  Also  to 
the  gorgeous  persons  which  compose  your  soot.  If  the 
Emperor's  boy  don't  like  livin  at  the  Tooleries,  when  he  gits 
older,  and  would  like  to  imbark  in  the  show  bizness,  let  him 
come  with  me  and  I'll  make  a  man  of  him.  You  find  us 
sum  what  mixed,  as  I  before  obsarved,  but  come  again  next 
year  and  you'll  find  us  clearer  nor  ever.  The  American 
Eagle  has  lived  too  sumptuously  of  late — ^his  stummic  becum 
foul,  and  he 's  takin  a  slite  emetic.  That 's  aU.  We  're  gettin 
ready  to  strik  a  big  blow  and  a  sure  one.  When  we  do 
strike  the  fur  will  fly  and  secession  will  be  in  the  hands  of 
the  undertaker,  sheeted  for  so  deep  a  grave  that  nothin  short 
of  Gabriel's  trombone  wiU  ever  awaken  it  I  Mind  what  I  say. 
You  've  heard  the  showman  ! " 

Then  advisin  him  to   keep  away  from  the  Peter  Funk* 

•  At  the  petty  auctions  a  person  is  employed  to  bid  on  articles  put  up 
for  sale,  in  order  to  raise  their  price.  In  America  such  a  person  is  called 
a,  Peter  Funk ;  probably  from  such  a  fictitious  name  having  frequently 
been  given  when  articles  were  bought  in.  In  this  country  the  whole  tribe 
of  seedy  attendants  at  mock  auctions  are  termed  duffers.  Sixty  years  ago 
ihey  were  called  puffers. 


13+  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  BROTHER. 

auctions  of  the  East,  and  the  proprietors  of  comer-lots  in  tho 
West,  I  bid  him  farewell,  and  went  away. 

There  was  a  levee  at  Senator  What's-his-name's,  and  I 
thought  I  'd  jine  in  the  festivities  for  a  spell.  Who  should  I 
see  but  she  that  was  Sarah  Watkins,  now  the  wife  of  our  Con- 
gressor,  trippin  in  the  dance,  dressed  up  to  kill  in  her  store 
close.  Sarah's  father  use  to  keep  a  little  grosery  store  in  our 
town,  and  she  used  to  clerk  it  for  him  in  busy  times.  I  was 
rushin  up  to  shake  hands  with  her  when  she  turned  on  her 
heel,  and  tossin  her  hed  in  a  contemptooious  manner,  walked 
away  from  me  very  rapid.  "  Hallo,  Sal,"  I  hollered,  "  can't 
you  measure  me  a  quart  of  them  best  melasses  %  I  may  want 
a  codfish,  also  ! "  I  guess  this  reminded  her  of  the  little  red 
store,  and  "  the  days  of  her  happy  childhood." 

But  I  fell  in  with  a  nice  little  gal  after  that,  who  was  much 
sweeter  than  Sally's  father's  melasses,  and  I  axed  her  if  we 
shouldn't  glide  in  the  messy  dance.  She  sed  we  should,  and 
we  Glode. 

I  intended  to  make  this  letter  very  seris,  but  a  few  goaks 
may  have  accidentally  crept  in.  Never  mind.  Besides,  I 
think  it  improves  a  komick  paper  to  publish  a  goak  once  in  a 
while. — ^Yours  Muchly, 

WARD  (Artemus). 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  BROTHER. 

[A  short  time  since  a  letter  appeared  in  a  New  York  journal,  professing 
to  be  from  a  hroiher  of  Artemus  Ward.  There  were  some  persons  who 
looked  upon  the  communication  as  actually  coming  from  Artemus's  pen, 
and  treated  the  fresh  signature  as  a  piece  of  humour  on  the  part  of  the 
author ;  but  in  Mr  Ward's  "  Letter  from  Eichmond  "  he  thus  denouncea 
the  fictitious  Olonzo : — 

*' Afore  I  comments  this  letter  from  the  late  rebil  capitol,  I  desire  to 
cimply  say  that  I  hav  seen  a  low  and  skurrilus  neat  in  the  papers  from  a 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  BROTHER.  135 

eertin  pursoii  ««rho  singes  hisself  Olonzo  "Ward  &  sez  he  is  my  bemither.* 
I  did  onct  hav  a  bemither  of  that  name,  but  I  do  not  recugnise  hira  now. 
To  me  he  is  wuss  than  ded  !  I  took  him  from  collige  sum  16  years  ago 
and  gave  him  a  good  situation  as  the  Bearded  "Woman  in  my  Show.  How 
did  he  repay  me  for  this  kindness  ?  He  basely  undertook  (one  day  while 
in  a  Backynalian  mood  on  rum  &  right  in  sight  of  the  aujience  in  the 
tent)  to  stand  upon  his  hed,  whareby  he  betray'd  his  sex  on  account  of 
his  boots  &  his  Beard  fallin  off  his  face,  thus  rooinin  my  prospecks  in  that 
town,  &  likewise  incurrin  the  seris  displeasure  of  the  Press,  which  sed 
boldly  I  was  triflin  with  the  feelins  of  a  intelligent  public.  I  know  no 
Buch  man  as  Olonzo  Ward.  I  do  not  ever  wish  his  name  breathed  in  my 
presents.     I  do  not  recognise  him.     I  perfectly  disgust  him." 

The  New  York  joumd  in  question  introduced  Olonzo'a  letter  with  these 
remarks : — 

'*  The  following  quaint  letter,  from  a  gentleman  who  professes  to  be 
the  brother  of  the  celebrated  Artemus  Ward,  reached  us  the  other  day, 
by  regular  mail,  and  we  give  it  because  it  embraces  so  much  of  the  special 
kind  of  humour  for  which  Artemus  is  so  renowned.  The  whole  family 
seems  to  be  labouring  under  a  very  bad  *  spell,'  which  is  a  disorder  that 
in  their  case,  however,  seems  to  operate  as  disease  does  upon  certain 
oysters,  in  producing  a  pearl  where  we  might  only  expect  putridity :" — '\ 

Shecargo,  March  11,  1865. 

To  THEE  EdYTUR  OF  THE  SUNDAY  TiMES,  N.Y. 

4  yeres  ago,  wile  in  indianopelers,  injynia,  I  rote  to  Mr 
Prentiss,  of  the  Looseville  Jumil,t  regarding  thee  wareabouts 
of  my  berother,  Artymus  Ward,  off  hoom  i  have  not  heered 
sints  he  was  a  boi 

"  And  we  romed  the  fields  together," 
happe  as  a  Mackeral  in  Kashmeer  Sox.     There  was  four  off  us 
berothers,  all  bois.     Thee  follerin  is  a  pedagog  off  our  family. 
Our  parents,  off  which  there  was  2,  consisted  of  our  father  and 
mother,  namely, 

Hanner  and  Erysipelars  Ward.     The  latter  (my  father) 

♦  Two  or  three  scamps  in  the  United  States  have  endeavoured  to  pass 
themselves  off  as  brothers  of  Artemus  Ward.     He  has  no  brothers  living. 

+  Mr  Prentice,  editor  of  the  Louisville  Journal,  was  one  of  the  wittiest 
men  connected  with  the  press  of  the  United  States. 


136  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  BROTHER, 

was  given  heavily  to  Plugg  tobacker,  of  which  he  chawed 
incessantly,  tho'kgh  Biled  Bacon  done  rair  was  his  best  hold. 
He  was  a  man  that  could  not  go  long  between  drinks ;  the 
kamil  did  not  perdominate  in  him ;  and  Heving  took  him  at 
the  age  of  sicksty,  after  2  dais  cikness.  The  following  is 
applicable  to  his  case  : 

"  Oakum  !   Oakum  !  with  me." — S.  Speare. 
After  the  old  man's  deth  our  mother  was  left  with  the  4 
bois  aforesaid,  whizz,  namely,  i.e.  : 
Erysipelars  (named  after  father) ; 
Artymis  (the  Long  Lost) ; 
EoDNEY ;  and  Myself, 

Olonzo  (named  after  olonzo  of  pizarronean  celebrity). 
My  eldest  berother,  Ery,  went  into  the  Wool  bizziness,  while 
Rodney  went  out  to  Origgone  territtery  and  M-barked  into 
the  Fur  trade.     Ery  did  poorly  at  the  Wool  and  busted,  but 
Rodney  is  still  at  the  Fur  coining  money. 

Artymis,  at  the  tender  age  of  eleving,  was  suddenly  misst 
from  hoam.  In  this  konnexshin  I  would  remark  an  old  stockin 
belongin  to  mother,  containing  fore  dollers  in  Cilver  and  fifty 
too  sents  in  Kopper,  disappeered  about  the  same  time.  There 
was  a  party  of  akrowbats,  of  dubble  somerset  proklivitys,  in 
our  naburhood  a  few  dais  preevis,  and  by  many  it  was  supposed 
Arty  had  been  inviggled 

"  To  leve  his  ga  and  happi  hoam 
Sands  eyes,  sands  teeth  brushes, 
Sands  pale  ale. 
The  worrold  is  all  a  stage, 
The  rest  is  lemon  and  vanilla." — JacJ:  spear. 

At  all  evinks  I  have  never  heern  of  him  but  once,  i.e.,  when 
I  rote  to  Mr  Prentiss,  who  did  not  ancer  mi  letter,  he  being 
engaged  in  translatin  a  French  letter  sent  him  by  Miss  Soosar 
Monday,  a  noted  goriller  of  the  femail  gander.  Off  her  more 
hereafter  ;  but  BavenoiLS  on  our  mutton,  as  the  French  have  it. 
I  heerd  that  mi  berother,  A.  Ward,  had  becum  ritch,  he  having 


BETSY-JAIN  RE-ORGUNIZED.  \yj 

been  to  Salt  Lick  Citty,  among  the  Mormen  and  women  (he 
was  alius  given  to  the  latter,  even  from  a  child),  and  that 
moreover  and  above,  he  had  got  a  sho  of  wacks  figgers,  and 
nevertheless  was  perfeckly  decayed  with  money — in  which 
event  I  would  remind  him 

« I  stm  Uve."— TF66&. 
And  as  his  absents  cost  me  many  teers  (I  carried  aul  the 
water  and  chopt  aul  the  wood  for  two  yeres  after  his  leving 
us),  and  as  I  am  his  ony  curviving  berother  in  poor  suckem- 
Btances  (Ery  being  ritch  and  Rodney  when  last  heard  from 
was  in  a  big  contrack  for  furnishing  phine-toothed  kombs  for 
the  confederut  army,  with  his  hed  quarters  at  Richmund), 
therefore  I  do  think  Arty  might  come  and  see  me.  He  is  ever 
welkome  to  mi  poor  but  happi  hoam.  Owe,  owe  berother  !  if 
this  shood  meat  your  i,  think  kindly  off  one  who  loves  not 
wisely  but  too  well  j  but  owe,  owe  deer  Artymus  !  do  not  try 
to  sMke  me. 

Olonzo  Ward. 

Deer  berother,  don't !  don't ! !  go  back  onto  me.      0.  W. 
"  Why  do  I  weep  4  thee  % "  O.  W. 


BETSY-JAIN  RE-ORGUNIZED.' 

I  NEVER  attempted  to  re-Orgunize  my  wife  but  onct.    I  shall 
never  attempt  agin. 

I  'd  bin  to  a  public  dinner,  and  had  allowed  myself  to  be 
beTrayed  inter  drinkin  several  peple's  healths;  and  wishin 
to  maik  'em  as  Ro-Bust  as  posserble,  I  continner'd  drinkin 
thur  healths  until  mi  Own  becum  afflicktid.  Consekens  was, 
I  presunted  myself  at  Betty's  bedside  late  at  nite,  with  con- 
siderbul  licker  koncealed  about  my  persun. 

*  See  Artemus  Ward's  Letter  to  the  Prince  of  Wales  on  the  occasion  of 
his  marriage,  p.  163,  '*  Artomua  Ward,  His  Travels  among  the  Mormons." 


138  BRIGHAM  YOUNG'S  WIVES. 

I  hed  somehow  gut  perseschiin  of  a  hosswliip  on  my  way 
hum,  and  rememberin  some  kranky  observashuns  of  Mrs 
Ward's  in  the  mornin,  I  snapt  the  whip  putty  lively,  and  in  a 
very  loud  voyce  I  said,  "  Betsy,  you  need  re-Orgunizin  !  I 
have  cum,  Betsy,"  I  continnered,  crackin  the  whip  over  the 
bed — "  I  have  cum  to  re-Orgunize  yer  /  Ha-ave  you  per-ayed 
to-night  ? " 

I  dreamed  that  nite  that  sumbody  had  layd  a  hosswliip 
over  me  sevril  conseckootive  times,  and  when  I  woke  up  I 
found  she  had. 

I  liaint  drunk  mich  of  any  thin  sence,  and  ef  I  ever  have 
anuther  re-Orgunizin  job  on  hand  I  shall  let  it  out. 


BRIGHAM  YOUNG'S  WIVES.* 

Frends  and  Feller  Passingers, — I'm  e'en  a  most  tiard  ov 
statin  my  convicshuns  regarden  them  Mormoness  plooralyties, 
which  sits  theirselves  round  Mister  Yung's  grate  table  when 
the  dinner-bell  booms  mierryly  thruout  the  long  and  short  ov 
this  ere  land. 

Heavy  figgerin  isn't  my  berthrite;  it's  the  nobil  contem- 
plativ  what's  the  pecoolar  ofFshute  of  these  massiv  brane. 

'*  But  how  many  wives  has  he  ?" 

Wall,  all  A.  W.  nose  abowt  it  is  thet  his  luvly  contemplativ 
wun  day  used  up  the  MulteplyKashun  tabul  in  kountin  the 
long  Stockins  on  a  close  line  in  Brigham's  back  yard — and  he 
soddingly  had  to  leave,  fer  the  site  made  him  dizzy.  It  was 
too  mutch  for  him. — Yures  abstractid, 

WAETEMUS  DARD. 

*  The  circumstances  connected  with  this  little  incident  are  narrated  at 
length  in  Mr  Ward's  "  Travels  among  the  Mormons,"  recently  published  by 
llrHotten. 


A,   WARD'S  FIRST  UMBRELLA.  139 

TAVERN  ACCOMMODATION. 

Artemus  Ward,  narrates  that  travelling  with  his  show  out 
West,  he  one  night  put  up  at  a  tavern  where  all  the  beds  had 
been  previously  bespoke. 

He  finally  got  accommodation  in  the  back  yard  under  a  hay- 
cart,  and  he  says  he  would  have  got  on  very  comfortably,  but 
the  unfeeling  hired  man  came  in  the  early  mom,  hitched  a 
horse  up,  and  drove  off  with  the  bed-clothes  ! 

The  covering  was  snatched  away  so  suddenly,  Artemus  says, 
it  gave  him  a  bad  "  kold" — and  a  very  lively  illustration  of  the 
sleeping  accommodation  in  that  part  of  the  world. 


A.  WARD'S  FIRST  UMBRELLA. 

[A  friend  of  Artemus  "Ward's  sends  the  following,  with  the  request  that 
it  may  be  included  in  the  present  edition.] 

The  solumncholies  hev  bin  on-to  A.  W.  now  and  agin,  as  it 
dus  tu  most  ov  the  four-lorned  human  naturs  in  this  Vayl  of 
Tares.  She's  tickled  me  considerabull  sumtims— only  it  was 
the  wrong  wa.  Most  human  naturs  git  tickled  the  wrong  wa 
sumtims. 

She  was  heviest  outer  me  the  fust  yeer  I  ever  owned  a 
Umbrellar.  I  was  going  on  18  yeer  old  then,  and  praid  for 
rane  as  bad  as  any  dride-up  farmer.  I  wantid  tu  show  that 
umBrellar — I  wantid  tu  mak  sum  persnul  apeerents  with  that 
brellar — I  desirud  Jim  parker  and  Hiram  Goss  to  witness  the 
site — I  felt  my  berth  Write  was  bowned  up  in  that  brellar — I 
wantid  to  be  a  MAN ! 

I'd  un-hook'd  frum  Betsy  Jain  fur  a  spell — (conjldenshaly 
leastways,  I  hadn't  commenced  cortin  up  to  her  rite  down  in 
ernest  then) — and  kum  evenin  I  went  over  to  the  Widder 
Blakes.     I  'd  the  umBrellar  along,  and  opun'd  it  outside  the 


MO  "  THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD:!' 

door — pretendin  I  couldn't  klose  it  like,  so  that  the  dawtei 
could  hev  a  good  Luke  at  my  property.  But  it  wuz  no  use  ; 
the  new  Brellar  didn't  take,  and  Sally  sed  she  thort  I  "  needn't 
cum  agin  !" 

I  hev  bin  many  wheres,  and  seen  sum  few  in  this  erthly 
Tavernknuckle,  but  ov  all  the  solum  hours  I  ever  speeriunsed 
the  1  ockepied  in  going  hum  that  partickler  nite  frum  the 
Widders  was  the  most  solumm. 

I'd  a  mind  to  throw  awa  that  Brellar  more 'n  onct  as  I 
went  along. 


AN  AFFECTING  POEM. 

"  Poor  Jonathan  Snow 
Away  did  go 
All  on  the  ragen  mane, 
With  other  males. 
All  for  to  ketch  wales, 
&  nere  come  back  agen. 
The  wind  bloo  high, 
The  billers  tost, 
All  hands  were  lost, 
And  he  was  one, 
A  spritely  lad, 
Nigh  21." 


"THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD." 

[The  following  amusing  critique  or  report  of  Artemus  Ward's  favourite 
lecture,  entitled  "  The  Babes  in  the  Wood,"  was  written  the  day  after  its 
first  delivery  in  San  Francisco,  California,  by  one  of  the  contributors  to  the 
Golden  Era.  As  an  imitation  of  A.  Ward's  burlesque  orthography  it  is 
somewhat  overdone ;  but  it  has,  nevertheless,  certain  touches  of  humour 
which  will  amuse  the  English  reader.  Why  the  lecture  is  called  "  The  Babea 
in  the  Wood"  is  not  known,  unless  it  la  because  they  are  Wards. — Ed.] 


^THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOODT  141 

NiTE  befoar  larst  was  an  Erer  in  the  annals  of  Sand  Francisco  \ 
yis,  an  Erer ;  I  sa  it,  and  I  guess  I  know  what  a  Erer  is  J  I 
gess  I  do  !  It's  something  like  this  noosepaper,  for  instance  ; 
something  that's  gut  a  big  Injin  onto  it ;  though  the  Big  Injin 
Fry  day  Nite  had  his  close  on,  which  this  moril  Jernal's  Injin 
hasn't,  bein  intended  to  represent  that  nobil  read  man  of  the 
forrist,  of  hoom  the  poet  sweetly  sings : 

**  Low,  the  poor  Injin  I  hoose  untootered  mind 
Clothes  him  in  frunt — ^Butt  leaves  him  bare  behind ! " 

However,  let  that  parse. 

I  hearn  thare  was  to  be  a  show  up  to  Mr  Piatt's  Haul  on 
the  occashun  allewded  to ;  so  I  took  Maria  An  an'  the  children 
— with  the  excepshun  of  the  smollest  wun,  which,  under  the 
inflewence  of  tired  Nachure's  sweet  restorer,  Missis  Winslow's 
Soothin  Syrup,  was  rapped  in  barmy  slumbers — up  to  prayer- 
meetin ;  and  after  havin  excoosed  myself  to  the  pardner  of 
my  boosom,  on  the  plee  of  havin  swallered  a  boks  of  Bristora 
Sugar-Coated  Pills,  I  slipt  out  and  went  down  to  the  Haul, 
thinkin  I  would  have  a  little  relaxation.  Prubably  Mariar 
An  thought  so  too.  (That  are  a  double  entender,  but  I  didn't 
intend  it.)  Although  I  arrove  quite  airly,  I  found  a  few  iudi- 
vidooals — I  mean  to  sa  I  found  but  few  who  ware  not— already 
in  the  Haul.  I  would  not  on  no  account  whatsumdever,  no 
how  you  can  fix  it,  deceeve  nobody  nor  nothin*,  for  I  am  a 
pieus  man,  and  send  my  wife  to  church,  and  addhere  to  the 
trooth ;  and  yit,  I  ventoor  to  assurt,  that  I  never  in  all  my 
born  dase  beheld  so  menny  fokes  befoar — stop,  I  er  slitely — I 
had  a  seat  in  the  rear. 

It  seemed  as  tho  the  hole  populashun  had  turned  out  en 
massy  to  welcum  the  gratist  wit  of  his  age. — He  is  older 
than  me. 

The  curtin  roze — no,  I  do  not  desire  to  misrepresent  fax — 
there  was  no  curtin — I  think  thare  should  have  bin  ! 

The  lectoor  commenced  at  a  few  minutes  past  ate — pre- 


142  ^  THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD,'' 

cisely.  The  gay  and  gifted  Artemus  stepped  to  his  place,  and 
after  acknowledging  my  presence  by  a  polite  bow,  proceeded 
to  define  the  platform  on  which  he  stood — Oregon  pine.  The 
papers,  with  thare  usuil  fidelity  to  fax,  had  stated  that  the 
entertainment  would  consist  only  of  a  lectoor,  &  that  the 
kangaroo  &  wax-figgers  would  not  be  introdooced — "  dooced 
queer,"  thinks  I,  and  I  soon  discovered  the  telegram ;  for  Mr 
Ward  used  a  number  of  figgers — of  speech. 

Thare  ware  also  severeil  animils  thare,  thare  was,  tho  I 
don't  know  whether  they  belonged  to  him,  as  they  was  scat- 
tered thro  the  ordgunce,  and  was  boysterous  to  a  degre — yis, 
two  degrese. 

Some  of  the  funniest  of  the  fundymentall  principles  of  the 
lectoor  escaped  me — rather  I  escaped  them — partly  owin  to 
the  fokes  squeeging  in  at  the  dore,  and  partly  owin  to  a  pretty 
but  frail  gurl  way  in  all  the  way  from  200  up  to  250  lbs. 
avoirdoopois,  which  sot  herself  rite  onto  my  lap. 

Mr  Ward  statid  that  he  would  not  give  a  fillosofl&cal  lectoor 
— nor  an  astronomical  lectoor — nor — did  he  say  what  kind  of 
lectoor  he  would  give.  The  subjec  was,  however,  the  "  Babes 
in  the  Wood."  He  has  had  the  Babes  in  the  Wood  sum  time. 
Mr  Ward  is  not  rich — but  is  doin — as  well  as  could  be  expected. 

It  is  one  of  the  lectoors  you  read  about,  you  know — here. 
Yis,  I  sa  it's  a  great  moril  lectoor ;  I  sa  it  boldly,  because  I've 
heerd — of  it. 

The  structoor  of  the  lectoor  was  as  they  sa  in  architectoor 
of  the  compost  like  ordoor;  first  a  stratter  of  this,  then  a 
stratter  of  that;  that  is  to  sa — kinder  mixed,  you  know.  It 
was  on  the  aneckdotale  plan,  and  speakin  of  aneckdotes 
reminds  me  of  a  little  story — it  is  wun  of  Mr  Ward's,  by  the 
way ;  it  will  bare  repitition — it  has,  so  far,  stood  it  very  well. 
It  is  of  a  young  made,  hoose  name  it  was  MehitabuU — some  of 
it,  at  least — enuff" — for  the  present  porpussus — and  of  a  nobi] 
and  galyunt  lovyier,  which  his  naim  it  was  John  Jones.  This 
young    man  was  a  patrut,  tho  oppoged  to  co^rshun.      The 


*•  THE  BABES  IN  THE  WOOD!'  143 

mrolin  officer  going  his  rounds  was  beheld  by  this  young  man 
wile  yit  he  was  afar  off,  the  site  was  not  a  welcum  wun  to 
John,  and  it  propelled  him  to  seek  proteckshun  of  his  plited 
wun,  in  hoose  hous  he  was  at  that  critical  moment.  Time  was 
preshus.  What  was  too  be  dun  %  The  enemy  was  now  neer  at 
hand.  "  Git  under  my  hoops,"  sez  Mehitabull.  The  heroick 
youth  obade. 

After  a  pause  the  offisser  hentered  the  manshun. 

*'  Is  thare  any  men  in  this  'ere  hous  ?"  sez  he. 

"  Not  as  I  nose — on,"  replied  the  damsell. 

**  Then,"  sez  the  offisser,  "  I  gess  I  '11  stop  awhile  myself." 

He  stopped  a  our.  After  witch  he  stopped  anuther  our ; 
after  witch  he  continuood  to  stop. 

During  this  time  John  Jones  was  garspin  for  breath.  At 
last  he  felt  he  cood  endoor  it  no  longer,  without — ingoory  to 
his  helth.  He  put  his  hed  out  of  his  strong  hold  and  sed  to 
the  amazed  offisser,  "  I  think  the  draft  will  doo  me  good — I 
mean  the  draft  of  are." 

"  You  air — in  favor  of  the  Proclamashun  1"  sed  the  offisser. 

"  Yis,  and  of  ventilation." 

The  young  man  was  not  drafted,  but  he  is  still  single — 
single-ar  to  say. 

The  abov  is  a  correct  report  of  the  story  as  I  heern  it — I 
only  heern  the  naims,  fansy  has  supplide  the  rest. 

P.S. — I  larfed  all  the  wa  home ;  observin  witch  severil 
peple  gave  me  the  hole  walk,  evidently  taking  me  for  a 
hilarious  loonatic. 

A.  Ward  will  shortly  lecshoor  on  Asstronmy,  I  beer,  par- 
tickly  upon  the  Konstlashun  ov  the  Suthern  Cross,  wlikh  lu 
2:)er tends  he  has  found  out  to  be  a  Mulatto. 


i44  MORMON  BILL  OF  FARE. 

MORMON  BILL  OF  FARE. 

BRIGHAM  young's  HOUSES. 

Brigham's  Wives  live  in  these  houses.     They  live  well  a( 

Brigham's,  the  following  being  the  usual 

BILL   OF  FARE. 

SOUPS,  ETC. 

Matrimonial  Stews  {with  pretty  Pickles), 

FISH. 

Salt  Lake  Gudgeon. 

ROAST. 

Brigham's  Lambs  {Sauce  piquanfe). 
Minced  Heart  {Mormon  style). 

BROILED. 

Domestic  Broils  {Family  style), 

ENTREES. 

Little  Deers. 

COLD. 

Raw  Dog  {h  la  Injun), 
Tongue  (lots  of  it). 

VEGETABLES. 

Cabbage-head,  Some  Pumpkins,  &c. 

DESSERT. 

Apples  of  Discord,  a  great  many  Paiis, 
Mormon  Sweet-Hearts,  Jumbles,  &c. 


MARION,  US 

MARION. 
A  ROMANCE  OF  THE  FRENCH  SCHOOL. 

L 

,  Friday, ,  1860. 


On  the  sad  sea  shore  !  Always  to  hear  the  moaning  of  these 
dismal  waves ! 

Listen.  I  will  tell  you  my  story — my  story  of  love,  of 
misery,  of  black  despair. 

I  am  a  moral  Frenchman. 

She  whom  I  adore,  whom  I  adore  still,  is  the  wife  of  a  fat 
marquis — a  lop-eared,  blear-eyed,  greasy  marquis.  A  man 
without  soul.  A  man  without  sentiment,  who  cares  naught 
for  moonlight  and  music.  A  low,  practical  man,  who  pays  his 
debts.     I  hate  him. 

II. 

She,  my  soul's  delight,  my  empress,  my  angel,  is  superbly 
beautiful. 

I  loved  her  at  first  sight — devotedly,  madly. 

She  dashed  past  me  in  her  cowj^L  I  saw  her  but  a  moment 
— perhaps  only  an  instant — but  she  took  me  captive  then  and 
there,  forevermore. 

Forevermore  ! 

I  followed  her,  after  that,  wherever  she  went.  At  lertgth 
she  came  to  notice,  to  smile  upon  me.  My  motto  was  m  avant  I 
That  is  a  French  word.  I  got  it  out  of  the  back  part  of  Wor- 
cester's Dictionary. 

m. 

She  wrote  me  that  I  might  come  and  see  her  at  her  own 
house.     Oh,  joy,  joy  unutterable,  to  see  her  at  her  own  house ! 
I  went  to  see  her  after  nightfall,  in  the  soft  moonlight. 
She  came  down  the  gravelled  walk  to  meet  me,  on  this 

K 


146  MARION. 

beautiful  midsummer  night — came  to  me  in  pure  white,  hex 
golden  hair  in  splendid  disorder — strangely  beautiful,  yet  in 
tears ! 

She  told  me  her  fresh  grievances. 

The  marquis,  always  a  despot,  had  latterly  misused  her 
most  vilely. 

That  very  morning,  at  breakfast,  he  had  cursed  the  fishballs 
and  sneered  at  the  pickled  onions. 

She  is  a  good  cook.  The  neighbours  will  tell  you  so.  And 
to  be  told  by  the  base  marquis — a  man  who,  previous  to  his 
marriage,  had  lived  at  the  cheap  eating-houses — to  be  told  by 
him  that  her  manner  of  frying  fishballs  was  a  failure — it  was 
too  much. 

Her  tears  fell  fast.  I,  too,  wept.  I  mixed  my  sobs  with 
her'n.     "  Fly  with  me  !"  I  cried. 

Her  lips  met  mine.  I  held  her  in  my  arms.  I  felt  her 
breath  upon  my  cheek  !     It  was  Hun  key. 

*'  Fly  with  me.  To  New  York !  I  will  write  romances  foi 
the  Sunday  papers — real  French  romances,  with  morals  to 
them.  My  style  will  be  appreciated.  Shop-girls  and  young 
mercantile  persons  will  adore  it,  and  I  will  amass  wealth  with 
my  ready  pen." 

Ere  she  could  reply — ere  she  could  articulate  her  ecstasy, 
her  husband,  the  marquis,  crept  snake-like  upon  me. 

Shall  I  write  it  %  He  kicked  me  out  of  the  garden — he 
kicked  me  into  the  street. 

I  did  not  return.  How  could  I  ?  I,  so  ethereal,  so  full  of 
soul,  of  sentiment,  of  sparkling  originality  !  He,  so  gross,  so 
practical,  so  lop-eared ! 

Had  I  returned,  the  creature  would  have  kicked  me  again. 

So  I  left  Paris  for  this  place — this  place,  so  lonely,  so  dismal 

Ah  me  ! 

Oh  dear  I 


EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS.  147 

EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS. 

The  Broadway  houses  have  given  the  public  immense  quanti. 
ties  of  Central  Park,  Seven  Sisters,  Nancy  Sykes,  and  J.  Cade. 
I  suppose  the  Broadway  houses  have  done  this  chiefly  because 
it  has  paid  them,  and  so  I  mean  no  disrespect  when  I  state 
that  to  me  the  thing  became  rather  stale.  I  sighed  for  novelty. 
A  man  may  stand  stewed  veal  for  several  years,  but  banquets 
consisting  exclusively  of  stewed  veal  would  become  uninterest- 
ing after  a  century  or  so.  A  man  would  want  something  else. 
The  least  particular  man,  it  seems  to  me,  would  desire  to  have 
his  veal  "  biled,"  by  way  of  a  change.  So  I,  tired  of  the 
threadbare  pieces  at  the  Broadway  houses,  went  to  the  East 
Side  for  something  fresh.  I  wanted  to  see  some  libertines  and 
brigands.  I  wanted  to  see  some  cheerful  persons  identified  with 
the  blacksmith  and  sewing-machine  interests  triumph  over  those 
libertines  and  brigands  in  the  most  signal  manner.  I  wanted, 
in  short,  to  see  the  Downfall  of  Vice  and  Triumph  of  Virtue. 
That  was  what  ailed  me.     And  so  I  went  to  the  East  Side. 

Poor  Jack  Scott  is  gone,  and  Jo.  Kirby  dies  no  more  on  the 
East  Side.  They  've  got  the  blood  and  things  over  there,  but, 
alas!  they're  deficient  in  lungs.  The  tragedians  in  the  Bowery 
and  Chatham  Street  of  to-day  don't  start  the  shingles  on  the 
roof  as  their  predecessors,  now  cold  and  stiff  in  death,  used  to 
when  they  threw  themselves  upon  their  knees  at  the  footlights 
and  roared  a  red-hot  curse  after  the  lord  who  had  carried  Susan 
away,  swearing  to  never  more  eat  nor  drink  until  the  lord's 
vile  heart  was  torn  from  his  body  and  ther-rown  to  the  dorgs 
— rattling  their  knives  against  the  tin  lamps  and  glaring  upon 
the  third  tier  most  fearfully  the  while. 

Glancing  at  the  spot  where  it  is  said  Senator  Benjamin  used 
to  vend  second-hand  clothes,  and  regretting  that  he  had  not 
continued  in  that  comparatively  honourable  vocation  instead 
of  sinking  to  his  present  position — wondering  if  Jo.  Kirby 
would  ever  consent,  if  he  were  alive,  to  die  wrapped  up  in  a 


tiS  EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS. 

Secession  flag  ! — gazing  admiringly  upon  the  unostentatious 
signboard  which  is  suspended  in  front  of  the  Hon.  Izzy 
Lazarus's  tavern — glancing,  wondering,  and  gazing  thus,  I 
enter  the  old  Chatham  theatre.  The  pit  is  full,  but  people 
fight  shy  of  the  boxes. 

The  play  is  about  a  servant  girl,  who  comes  to  the  metro- 
polis from  the  agricultural  districts  in  short  skirts,  speckled 
hose,  and  a  dashing  little  white  hat,  gaily  decked  with  pretty 
pink  ribbons — that  being  the  style  of  dress  invariably  worn  by 
servant  girls  from  the  interior.  She  is  accompanied  by  a  chaste 
young  man  in  a  short-tailed  red  coat,  who,  being  very  desirous 
of  protecting  her  from  the  temptations  of  a  large  city,  naturally 
leaves  her  in  the  street  and  goes  off  somewhere.  Servant  girl 
encounters  an  elderiy  female,  who  seems  to  be  a  very  nice  sort 
of  person  indeed,  but  the  young  man  in  a  short-tailed  coat 
comes  in  and  thrusts  the  elderly  female  aside,  calling  her  "  a 
vile  hag."  This  pleases  the  pit,  which  is  ever  true  to  virtue, 
and  it  accordingly  cries  "  Hi !  hi  !  hi !  " 

A  robber  appears.  The  idea  of  a  robber  in  times  like  these 
is  rather  absurd.  The  most  adroit  robber  would  eke  out  a 
miserable  subsistence  if  he  attempted  to  follow  his  profession 
now-a-days.  I  should  prefer  to  publish  a  daily  paper  in 
Chelsea.  Nevertheless,  here  is  a  robber.  He  has  been  playing 
poker  with  his  "  dupe,"  but  singularly  enough  the  dupe  has 
won  all  the  money.  This  displeases  the  robber,  and  it  occurs 
to  him  that  he  will  kill  the  dupe.  He  accordingly  sticks  him. 
The  dupe  staggers,  falls,  says  ''  Dearest  Eliza ! "  and  dies. 
Cries  of  **  Hi !  hi !  hi ! "  in  the  pit,  while  a  gentleman  with  a 
weed  on  his  hat,  in  the  boxes,  states  that  the  price  of  green 
smelts  is  five  cents  a  quart.  This  announcement  is  not  favour- 
ably received  by  the  pit,  several  members  of  which  come  back 
at  the  weeded  individual  with  some  advice  in  regard  to  liqui- 
dating a  long-standing  account  for  beans  and  other  refresh- 
ments at  an  adjacent  restaurant. 

The  robber  is  seized  with  remorse,  and  says  the  money  which 


EAST  SIDE  THEATRICALS,  149 

he  has  taken  from  the  dupe*s  pockets  *'  scorches"  him.  Eobber 
Beeks  refuge  in  a  miser  s  drawing-room,  where  he  stays  for 
"  seven  days."  There  is  a  long  chest  full  of  money  and 
diamonds  in  the  room.  The  chest  is  unlocked,  but  misers  very 
frequently  go  off  and  leave  long  chests  full  of  money  unlocked 
in  their  drawing-rooms  for  seven  days,  and  this  robber  was  too 
much  of  a  gentleman  to  take  advantage  of  this  particular 
miser's  absence.  By  and  by  the  miser  returns,  when  the  robber 
quietly  kills  him  and  chucks  him  in  the  chest.  "  Sleep  with 
your  gold,  old  man!"  says  the  bold  robber,  as  he  melodramati- 
cally retreats — retreats  to  a  cellar,  where  the  servant  girl  re- 
sides.  Finds  that  she  was  formerly  his  gal  when  he  resided  in 
the  rural  districts,  and  regrets  having  killed  so  many  persons, 
for  if  so  be  he  hadn't  he  might  marry  her  and  settle  down, 
whereas  now  he  can't  do  it,  as  he  says  he  is  "  unhappy."  But 
he  gives  her  a  ring — a  ring  he  had  stolen  from  the  dupe — and 
flies.  Presently  the  dupe,  who  has  come  to  life  in  a  singular 
but  eminently  theatrical  manner,  is  brought  into  the  cellar. 
He  discovers  the  ring  upon  the  servant  girl's  finger — servant 
girl  states  that  she  is  innocent,  and  the  dupe,  with  the  remark 
that  he  sees  his  mother,  dies,  this  time  positively  without  re- 
serve. Servant  girl  is  taken  to  Newgate,  whither  goes  the  rob- 
ber and  gains  admission  by  informing  the  turnkey  that  he  is 
her  uncle.  Throws  off  his  disguise,  and,  like  a  robber  bold  and 
gay,  says  he  is  the  guilty  party  and  will  save  the  servant  girl. 
He  drinks  a  vial  of  poison,  says  he  sees  his  mother,  and  dies  to 
slow  fiddling.  Servant  girl  throws  herself  upon  him  wildly, 
and  the  virtuous  young  party  in  a  short-tailed  coat  comes  in 
and  assists  in  the  tableau.  Eobber  tells  the  servant  girl  to 
take  the  party  in  the  short-tailed  coat  and  be  happy,  repeats 
that  he  sees  his  mother  (they  always  do),  and  dies  again. 
Cries  of  *'  Hi !  hi !  hi !  "  and  the  weeded  gentleman  reiterates 
the  price  of  green  smelts. 

Not  a  remarkably  heavy  plot,  but  quite  as  bulky  as  the  plots 
of  the  Broadway  sensation  pieces. 


ISO  SOLILOQUY  OF  A  LOW  THIEF. 

SOLILOQUY  OF  A  LOW  THIEF. 

My  name  is  Jim  Griggins.  I  'm  a  low  thief.  My  parients  was 
ignorant  folks,  and  as  poor  as  the  shadder  of  a  bean  pole.  My 
advantages  for  gettin'  a  eddycation  was  exceedin'  limited.  I 
growed  up  in  the  street,  quite  loose  and  permiskis,  you  see, 
and  took  to  vice  because  I  had  nothing  else  to  take  to,  and  be- 
cause nobody  had  never  given  me  a  sight  at  virtue. 

I  'm  in  the  penitentiary.  I  was  sent  here  onct  before  for 
priggin'  a  watch.  I  served  out  my  time,  and  now  I  'm  here 
agin,  this  time  for  stealin'  a  few  insignificant  clothes. 

I  shall  always  blame  my  parients  for  not  eddycatin'  me. 
Had  I  been  liberally  eddycated  I  could,  with  my  brilliant 
native  talents,  have  bin  a  big  thief — I  bleeve  they  call  'em  de- 
faulters. Instead  of  confinin'  myself  to  priggin'  clothes, 
watches,  spoons,  and  sich  like,  I  could  have  plundered  princely 
sums — thousands  a«id  hundreds  of  thousands  of  dollars — and 
that  old  humbug,  the  Law,  wouldn't  have  harmed  a  hair  of 
my  head !  For,  you  see,  I  should  be  smart  enough  to  get 
elected  State  Treasurer,  or  have  something  to  do  with  Banks 
or  Railroads,  and  perhaps  a  little  of  both.  Then,  you  see,  I 
could  ride  in  my  carriage,  live  in  a  big  house  with  a  free  stun 
frunt,  drive  a  fast  team,  and  drink  as  much  gin  and  sugar  as 
1  wanted.  A  inwestigation  might  be  made,  and  some  of  the 
noosepapers  might  come  down  on  me  heavy,  but  what  the 

d 1   would   I   care    about  that,  havin'  previously  taken 

precious  good  care  of  the  stolen  money  %  Besides,  my  ''  party  " 
would  swear  stout  that  I  was  as  innersunt  as  the  new-born 
babe,  and  a  great  many  people  would  wink  very  pleasant,  and 
say,  "  Well,  Griggins  understands  what  Ae's  'bout,  HE  does  !" 

But  havin'  no  eddycation,  I'm  only  a  low  thief — a  stealer  of 
watches  and  spoons  and  sich — a  low  wretch,  anyhow — and  the 
Law  puts  me  through  without  mercy. 

It 's  all  right,  I  s'pose,  and  yet  I  sometimes  think  it 's  wery 
hard  to  be  shut  up  here,  a  wearin'  checkered  clothes,  a  livin' 


TOUCHING  LETTER,  151 

*n  cold  vittles,  a  sleepin'  on  iron  beds,  a  lookin*  out  upon  the 
world  through  iron  muskeeter  bars,  and  poundin'  stun  like  a 
galley  slave,  day  after  day,  week  after  week,  and  year  after 
year,  while  my  brother  thieves  (for  to  speak  candid,  there 's  no 
difference  between  a  thief  and  a  defaulter,  except  that  the 
latter  is  forty  times  wuss),  who  have  stolen  thousands  of  dollars 
to  my  one  cent,  are  walkin'  out  there  in  the  bright  sunshine — 
dressed  up  to  kill,  new  clothes  upon  their  backs  and  piles  of 
gold  in  their  pockets  !  But  the  Law  don't  tech  'em.  They 
are  too  big  game  for  the  Law  to  shoot  at.  It 's  as  much  as  the 
Law  can  do  to  take  care  of  us  ignorant  thieves. 

Who  said  there  was  no  difference  'tween  tweedledum  and 
tweedledee  ?  He  lied  in  his  throat,  like  a  villain  as  he  was  ! 
I  tell  ye  there 's  a  tremendous  difference. 

Oh  that  I  had  been  liberally  eddycated  ! 

Jim  Griggins. 

Sing-Sing,  1860. 


TOUCHING  LETTER  FROM  A  GORY  MEMBER 
OF  THE  HOME  GUARD. 

Broadway,  Bee.  10,  '61. 
Dear  Father  and  Mother,  —  We  are  all  getting  along 
very  well.  We  mess  at  Delmonico's.  Do  not  repine  for  your 
son.  Some  must  suffer  for  the  glorious  Stars  and  Stripes,  and, 
dear  parents,  why  shouldn't  I  ?  Tell  Mrs  Skuller  that  we  do 
not  need  the  blankets  she  so  kindly  sent  to  us,  as  we  bunk 
at  the  St  Nicholas  and  Metropolitan.  What  our  brave  lads 
stand  most  in  need  of  now  is  Fruit  Cake  and  Waffles.  Do 
not  weep  for  me. 

Henry  Adolthus. 


rSa  SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS. 

SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS. 

It  was  customary  in  many  of  the  inland  towns  of  New  Eng« 
land,  some  thirty  years  ago,  to  celebrate  the  anniversary  of  the 
surrender  of  Lord  Cornwallis  by  a  sham  representation  of  that 
important  event  in  the  history  of  the  Revolutionary  War.  A 
town  meeting  would  be  called,  at  which  a  company  of  men 
would  be  detailed  as  British,  and  a  company  as  Americans — 
two  leading  citizens  being  selected  to  represent  Washington 
and  Cornwallis  in  the  mimic  surrender. 

The  pleasant  little  town  of  W ,  in  whose  schools  the 

writer  has  been  repeatedly  "  corrected,"  upon  whose  ponds  he 
has  often  skated ;  upon  whose  richest  orchards  he  has,  with 
other  juvenile  bandits,  many  times  dashed  in  the  silent  mid- 
night ;  the  town  of  W ,  where  it  was  popularly  believed 

these  bandits  would  *'  come  to  a  bad  end,"  resolved  to  cele- 
brate the  surrender.     Rival  towns  had  celebrated,  and  W 

determined  to  eclipse  them  in  the  most  signal  manner.  It  is 
my  privilege  to  tell  how  W succeeded  in  this  determination. 

The  great  day  came.  It  was  ushered  in  by  the  roar  of 
musketry,  the  ringing  of  the  village  church  bell,  the  squeaking 
of  fifes,  and  the  rattling  of  drums. 

People  poured   into  the  village  from  all  over  the  county. 

Never  had  W experienced  such  a  jam.     Never  had  there 

been  such  an  onslaught  upon  gingerbread  carts.  Never  had 
New  England  rum  (for  this  was  before  Neal  Dow's  day)  flowed 

so  freely.     And  W 's  fair  daughters,  who  mounted  the 

house-tops  to  see  the  surrender,  had  never  looked  fairer.  The 
old  folks  came,  too,  and  among  them  were  several  war-scarred 
heroes  who  had  fought  gallantly  at  Monmouth  and  Yorktown. 
These  brave  sons  of  '76  took  no  part  in  the  demonstration,  but 
an  honoured  bench  was  set  apart  for  their  exclusive  use  on  the 
piazza  of  Sile  Smith's  store.  When  they  were  dry,  all  they 
had  to  do  was  to  sing  out  to  Sile's  boy,  Jerry,  "  A  leetle  New 
Englan'  this  way,  if  you  please."    It  was  brought  forthwith 


THE  SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS,  153 

At  precisely  nine  o'clock,  by  the  schoolmaster's  new  "  Lepeen" 
watch,  the  American  and  British  forces  marched  on  to  the 
village  green  and  placed  themselves  in  battle  array,  reminding 
the  spectator  of  the  time  when 

"  Brave  Wolfe  drew  up  his  men 
In  a  style  most  pretty, 
On  the  Plains  of  Abraham, 
Before  the  city. " 

The  character  of  Washington  had  been  assigned  to  Squire 
Wood,  a  well-to-do  and  influential  farmer,  while  that  of  Corn- 
wallis  had  been  given  to  the  village  lawyer,  a  kind-hearted  but 
rather  pompous  person,  whose  name  was  Caleb  Jones. 

Squire  Wood,  the  Washington  of  the  occasion,  had  met  with 
many  unexpected  difficulties  in  preparing  his  forces,  and  in  his 
perplexity  he  had  emptied  not  only  his  own  canteen,  but  those 
of  most  of  his  aids.  The  consequence  was — mortifying  as  it 
must  be  to  all  true  Americans — blushing  as  I  do  to  tell  it, 
AVashington  at  the  commencement  of  the  mimic  struggle  was 
most  unqualifiedly  drunk. 

The  sham  fight  commenced.  Bang !  bang !  bang !  from 
the  Americans — bang  !  bang  !  bang !  from  the  British.  The 
bangs  were  kept  hotly  up  until  the  powder  gave  out,  and  then 
came  the  order  to  charge.  Hundreds  of  wooden  bayonets 
flashed  fiercely  in  the  sunlight,  each  soldier  taking  very  good 
care  not  to  hit  anybody. 

"  Thaz  (hie)  right,"  shouted  Washington,  who  during  the 
shooting  had  boen  racing  his  horse  wildly  up  and  down  the 
line,  "  thaz  right !  Gin  it  to  'em  !  Cut  their  tarnal  heads 
off!" 

"  On,  Romans  !  "  shrieked  Comwallis,  who  had  once  seen  a 
theatrical  performance  and  remembered  the  heroic  appeals  of 
the  Thespian  belligerents,  "  on  to  the  fray !  No  sleep  till 
mornin." 

"  Let  eout  all  their  bowels,"  yelled  Washington,  "  and  dowp 
with  taxation  on  tea  ! " 


154  THE  SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS. 

The  fighting  now  ceased,  the  opposing  forces  were  properly 
arranged,  and  Cornwallis,  dismounting,  prepared  to  present  his 
sword  to  Washington  according  to  programme.  As  he  walked 
slowly  towards  the  Father  of  his  Country,  he  rehearsed  the 
little  speech  he  had  committed  for  the  occasion,  while  the 
illustrious  being  who  was  to  hear  it  was  making  desperate 
efforts  to  keep  in  his  saddle.  Now  he  would  wildly  brandish 
his  sword,  and  narrowly  escape  cutting  off  his  horse's  ears, 
and  then  he  would  fall  suddenly  forward  on  to  the  steed's  neck, 
grasping  the  mane  as  drowning  men  seize  hold  of  straws.  He 
was  giving  an  inimitable  representation  of  Toodles  on  horse- 
back. All  idea  of  the  magnitude  of  the  occasion  had  left 
him,  and  when  he  saw  Cornwallis  approaching,  with  slow  and 
stately  step,  and  sword-hilt  extended  towards  him,  he  in- 
quired— 

"  What-'n  devil  you  want,  any  (hie)  how  ? " 

"  General  Washington,"  said  Cornwallis,  in  dignified  and 
impressive  tones,  "  I  tender  you  my  sword.  I  need  not 
inform  you,  Sir,  how  deeply " 

The  speech  was  here  cut  suddenly  short  by  Washington, 
who,  driving  the  spurs  into  his  horse,  playfully  attempted  to 
run  over  the  commander  of  the  British  forces.  He  was  not 
permitted  to  do  this,  for  his  aids,  seeing  his  unfortunate  condi- 
tion, seized  the  horse  by  the  bridle,  straightened  Washington 
up  in  his  saddle,  and  requested  Cornwallis  to  proceed  with  his 
remarks. 

"  General  Washington,"  said  Cornwallis,  "  the  British  Lion 
prostrates  himself  at  the  feet  of  the  American  Eagle  !  " 

*'  Eagle  1  Eagle  ! "  yelled  the  infuriated  Washington,  rolling 
off  his  horse  and  hitting  Cornwallis  a  frightful  blow  on  the 
head  with  the  flat  of  his  sword,  "  do  you  call  me  a  Eagle,  you 
mean,  sneakin  cuss  1 "  He  struck  him  again,  sending  him  to 
the  ground,  and  said,  "  I  '11  learn  you  to  call  me  a  Eagle,  you 
infernal  scoundrel ! " 

Cornwallis  remained  upon    the  ground   only  a   moment. 


THE  SURRENDER  OF  CORNWALLIS.  155 

Smarting  from  the  blows  he  had  received,  he  arose  mth  an 
entirely  unlooked-for  recuperation  on  the  part  of  the  fallen, 
and  in  direct  defiance  of  historical  example.  In  spite  of  the 
men  of  both  nations,  indeed,  he  whipped  the  Immortal  Wash- 
ington until  he  roared  for  mercy. 

The  Americans,  at  first  mortified  and  indignant  at  the  con- 
duct of  their  chief,  now  began  to  sympatliise  with  him,  and 
resolved  to  whip  their  mock  foes  in  earnest.  They  rushed 
fiercely  upon  them,  but  the  British  were  really  the  stronger 
party,  and  drove  the  Americans  back.  Not  content  with  this, 
they  charged  madly  upon  them,  and  drove  them  from  the  field 
— from  the  village,  in  fact.  There  were  many  heads  damaged, 
eyes  draped  in  mournmg,  noses  fractured,  and  legs  lamed.  It 
was  a  wonder  that  no  one  was  killed  outright. 

Washington  was  confined  to  his  house  for  several  weeks,  but 
he  recovered  at  last.  For  a  time  there  was  a  coolness  between 
jiimself  and  Cornwallis,  but  they  finally  concluded  to  join  the 
whole  county  in  laughing  about  the  surrender. 

They  live  now.  Time,  the  "  artist,"  has  thoroughly  white- 
washed their  heads,  but  they  are  very  jolly  stilL  On  town 
meeting  days  the  old  Squire  always  rides  down  to  the  village. 
In  the  hind  part  of  his  venerable  yellow  waggon  is  always  a 
bunch  of  hay,  ostensibly  for  the  old  white  horse,  but  really  to 
hide  a  glass  bottle  from  the  vulgar  gaze.  This  bottle  has  on 
one  side  a  likeness  of  Lafayette,  and  upon  the  other  may  be 
seen  the  Goddess  of  Liberty.  What  the  bottle  contains  inside 
I  cannot  positively  say,  but  it  is  true  that  Squire  Wood  and 
Lawyer  Jones  visit  that  bottle  very  frequently  on  town  meet- 
ing days,  and  come  back  looking  quite  red  in  the  face.  When 
this  redness  in  the  face  becomes  of  the  blazing  kind,  as  it 
generally  does  by  the  time  the  polls  close,  a  short  dialogue  like 
Chis  may  be  heard  : — 

"  We  shall  never  play  surrender  again,  Lawyer  Jones  !  " 

"  Them  days  is  over,  Squire  Wood  ! " 

And  then  they  laugh  and  jocosely  punch  each  other  in  the  ribs 


IS6  A  JUVENILE  COMPOSITION, 

THE  WIFE. 

**  Home  they  brought  her  warrior  dead : 
She  nor  swooned,  nor  uttered  cry. 
All  her  maidens,  watching,  said, 
*  She  must  weep,  or  she  will  die.'  " 

The  propriety  of  introducing  a  sad  story  like  the  following, 
in  a  book  intended  to  be  rather  cheerful  in  its  character,  may 
be  questioned ;  but  it  so  beautifully  illustrates  the  firmness  of 
woman  when  grief  and  despair  have  taken  possession  of  "the 
chambers  of  her  heart,"  that  we  cannot  refrain  from  relating  it. 

Lucy  M loved  with  all  the  ardour  of  a  fond  and  faithful 

wife,  and  when  he  upon  whom  she  had  so  confidingly  leaned 
was  stolen  from  her  by  death,  her  friends  and  companions  said 
Lucy  would  go  mad.     Ah,  how  little  they  knew  her  ! 

Gazing  for  the  last  time  upon  the  clay- cold  features  of  her 
departed  husband,  this  young  widow — beautiful  even  in  her 
grief ;  so  ethereal  to  look  upon,  and  yet  so  firm  ! — looking  for 
the  last  time  upon  the  dear  familiar  face,  now  cold  and  still  in 
death — oh,  looking  for  the  last,  last  time — she  rapidly  put  on 
her  bonnet,  and  thus  addressed  the  sobbing  gentlemen  who 
were  to  act  as  pall-bearers  : — "  You  pall-bearers,  just  go  into 
the  buttery  and  get  some  rum,  and  we  '11  start  this  man  right 
along  ! " 


A  JUVENILE  COMPOSITION. 

ON  THE  ELEPHANT. 

The  Elephant  is  the  most  largest  Annymile  in  the  whole 
world.  He  eats  hay  and  kakes.  You  must  not  giv  the 
Elephant  Tobacker,  becoz  if  you  do  he  will  stamp  his  grate 
big  feet  upon  to  you  and  kill  you  fatally  Ded.  Some  folks 
thinks  the  Elephant  is  the  most  noblest  Annymile  in  the 
world  j  but  as  for  Me,  giv  Me  the  American  Egil  and  the 
Stars  k  Stripes.     Alexander  Pottles,  his  Peace. 


THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE.  157 

A  POEM  BY  THE  SAME. 

SOME  VERSES  SUGGESTID  BY  2  OF  MY  UNCLES. 

Uncle  Simon  he 

Clum  up  a  tree 

To  see  what  he  could  see 

When  presentlee 

Uncle  Jim 

Clum  beside  of  him 

And  sc^uatted  down  by  he. 


THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

[Since  the  publication  of  A.  Ward's  book  in  this  country,  the  Editor  haa 
received  the  following  piece  of  drollery,  with  the  request  that  it  be 
included  in  any  new  issue  of  "  the  showman's  "  literary  labours.  As  with 
the  other  chapters,  a  few  foot-notes  have  been  added  which  may  render 
more  clear  some  of  the  allusions  to  matters  peculiarly  Transatlantic] 

If  I  'm  drafted  I  shall  resign. 

Deeply  grateful  for  the  onexpected  honor  thus  confered  upon 
me,  I  shall  feel  compeld  to  resign  the  position  in  favor  of  sum 
more  worthy  person.  Modesty  is  what  ails  me.  That's  what's 
kept  me  under. 

I  meanter-say,  I  shall  have  to  resign  if  I  'm  drafted  ;  every- 
wheres  I  've  bin  inrold.  I  must  now,  furrinstuns,  be  inrold  in 
upards  of  200  different  towns.  If  I'd  kept  on  travelin  I 
should  hav  eventooally  becum  a  Brigade,  in  which  case  I  could 
have  held  a  meetin  and  elected  myself  a  Brigadeer-ginral  quite 
onanimiss.  I  hadn't  no  idee  there  was  so  many  of  me  before. 
But,  serisly,  I  concluded  to  stop  exhibitin  and  make  tracks  for 
Baldinsville.  My  only  daughter  threw  herself  onto  my  boo- 
gum,  and  said,  "  It  is  me,  fayther  !  I  thank  the  gods  ! "  She 
reads  the  New  York  Ledger, 


IS8  THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

*'  Tip  us  yer  bunch  of  fives,  old  faker  !  "  said  Artemus,  Jr. 
He  reads  the  New  York  CU^jp^r* 

My  wife  was  to  the  sowin  circle. t  I  knew  she  and  the 
wimin  folks  was  havin  a  pleasant  time  slanderin  the  females 
of  the  other  sowin  circle  (which  likewise  met  that  arternoon, 
and  was  doubtless  enjoyin  theirselves  ekally  well  in  slanderin 
the  fust-named  circle),  an'  I  didn't  send  for  her.  I  alius  like 
to  see  people  enjoy  theirselves. 

My  son  Orgustus  was  playin  onto  a  floot. 

Orgustus  is  a  ethereal  cuss.  The  twins  was  bildin  cob- 
houses  in  a  corner  of  the  kitchin. 

It  '11  cost  some  postage-stamps  to  raise  this  family,  and  yet 
it  'ud  go  hard  with  the  old  man  to  lose  any  lamb  of  the  flock. 

An  old  batchelor  is  a  poor  critter.  He  may  havehearn  the 
skylark  or  (what 's  nearly  the  same  thing)  Miss  Kellogg  and 
Carlotty  Patti  sing ;  he  may  have  hearn  Ole  Bull  fiddle,  and 
all  the  Dodworths  toot,  an'  yet  he  don't  know  nothin  about 
music — the  real,  genuine  thing — the  music  of  the  laughter  of 
happy,  well-fed  children  !  And  you  may  ax  the  father  of  sich 
children  home  to  dinner,  feelin  werry  sure  there'll  be  no 
spoons  missin  when  he  goes  away.  Sich  fathers  never  drop  tin 
five-cent  pieces  into  the  contribution  box,  nor  palm  shoe-pegs 
off  onto  blind  bosses  for  oats,  nor  skedaddle  to  British  sile 
when  their  country's  in  danger — nor  do  anything  which  is 
really  mean.     I  don't  mean  to  intimate  that  the  old  batchelor  is 

*  The  New  York  Ledger  presents  its  readers  with  tales  very  similar  to 
those  in  our  Family  Herald  and  London  Journal,  and  is  thus  in  great 
favour  with  romantic  young  ladies.  The  New  York  Clipper  is  the  organ 
of  the  music  halls  and  sporting  circles,  and  indulges  in  similar  language  to 
that  which  is  so  admired  by  readers  of  BelVs  Life  in  London. 

+  "  Quiltings "  and  "sewing  circles"  are  peculiar  features  in  New 
England  female  society.  In  this  country  tea-drinkings  are  the  fashion, 
but  the  old  Puritans  never  countenanced  idleness,  and  so  introduced  meetr 
ings  where  the  women  could  fulfil  the  laws  of  their  religion  and  satisfy 
their  tongues  at  one  and  the  same  time.  The  originator  of  the  "  sewing 
circle  "  was  a  decidedly  'cute  persoxi. 


THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVTLLE.  159 

op  to  little  games  of  this  sort — not  at  all — but  I  repeat,  he's  a 
poor  critter.  He  don't  live  here ;  he  only  stays.  He  ought 
to  'pologize,  on  behalf  of  his  parients,  for  bein  here  at  all. 
The  happy  marrid  man  dies  in  good  stile  at  home,  surrounded 
by  his  weeping  wife  and  children.  The  old  batchelor  don't 
die  at  all — he  sort  of  rots  away,  like  a  poUy-wog's  tail. 

My  townsmen  was  sort  o'  demoralized.  There  was  a  evi- 
dent desine  to  ewade  the  Draft,  as  I  obsarved  with  sorrer,  and 
patritism  was  below  Par — and  Mar  too.  [A  jew  desprit.]  I 
hadn't  no  sooner  sot  down  on  the  piazzy  of  the  tavoun  than  I 
saw  sixteen  solitary  hossmen,  ridin  four  abreast,  wendin  their 
way  up  the  street. 

"  What 's  them  ?     Is  it  calvary  ? " 

"  That,"  said  the  landlord,  "  is  the  stage.*  Sixteen  able- 
bodied  citizens  has  lately  bo't  the  stage  line  between  here  and 
Scootsburg.  That's  them.  They're  stage-drivers.  Stage- 
drivers  is  exempt ! " 

I  saw  that  each  stage-driver  carried  a  letter  in  his  left  hand 

**  The  mail  is  hevy  to-day,"  said  the  landlord.  *'  Gin'rally 
they  don't  have  more'n  half-a-dozen  letters  'tween  'em.  To- 
day they  've  got  one  apiece  !     Bile  my  lights  and  liver !  " 

"  And  the  passengers  ? " 

"There  ain't  any,  skacely,  now-days,"  said  the  landlord, 
"  and  what  few  there  is,  very  much  prefier  to  walk,  the  roads 
is  so  rough." 

"And  how  ist  with  you  ?"  I  inquired  of  the  editor  of  the 
BuglerEorn  of  Liberty,  who  sot  near  me. 

"I  can't  go,"  he  sed,  shakin  his  head  in  a  wise  way. 
"  Ordinarily  I  should  delight  to  wade  in  gore,  but  my  bleedin 
country  bids  me  stay  at  home.  It  is  imperatively  necessary 
that  1  remain  here  for  the  purpuss  of  announcin,  from  week  to 

•  The  post-office  conveyance  for  letters — the  coach  or  stige  which  con- 
tracts for  the  carriage  of  the  mails.  In  new  or  thinly-peopled  districts,  where 
the  roads  are  uncared  for,  the  stage-driver  carries  his  letter-bag  on  horse- 
back, when  the  weather  renders  the  highway  impassable  for  vehicles. 


i6o  THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE, 

iveek,  that  our  Gov'ment  is  about  to  take  vigorous  measures  to  pui 
down  the  rebellion/^* 

I  strolled  into  the  village  oyster-saloon,  where  I  found  Dr 
Schwazey,  a  leadin  citizen,  in  a  state  of  mind  which  showed 
that  he  'd  bin  histin  in  more'n  his  share  of  pizen. 

"Hello,  old  Beeswax,"  he  bellered;  "how's  your  grand- 
mams  ?    When  you  goin  to  feed  your  stuffed  animils  1 " 

"  What 's  the  matter  with  the  eminent  physician  ? "  I  plea- 
santly inquired. 

"  This,"  he  said,  "  this  is  what's  the  matter — I'm  a  habitooal 
drunkard !     I  'm  exempt." 

"Jesso." 

"  Do  you  see  them  beans,  old  man  ? "  and  he  pinted  to  a 
plate  before  him.     ''  Do  you  see  'em  1 " 

"  I  do.     They  are  a  cheerful  fruit  when  used  tempritly." 

"  Well,"  said  he,  "I  hain't  eat  anything  since  last  week. 
I  eat  beans  now  because  I  eat  beans  then.  I  never  mix  my 
vittles  ! " 

"  It 's  quite  proper  you  should  eat  a  little  suthin  once  in  a 
while,"  I  said.  "  It 's  a  good  idee  to  occasionally  instruct  the 
stummic  that  it  mustn't  depend  excloosively  on  licker  for  its 
sustainance." 

"  A  blessin,"  he  cried,  "  a  blessin  onto  the  hed  of  the  man 
what  invented  beans  !     A  blessin  onto  his  hed !  " 

"  Which  his  name  is  Gilson  !  He's  a  first  family  of  Bostin," 
said  I. 

This  is  a  speciment  of  how  things  was  goin  in  my  place  of 
residence. 

A  few  was  true  blue.  The  schoolmaster  was  among  'em. 
He  greeted  me  warmly.  He  said  I  was  welkim  to  those 
shores.  He  said  I  had  a  massiv  mind.  It  was  gratifyin,  he 
said,  to  see  that  great  intelleck  stalkin  in  their  midst  onct  more. 
I  have  before  had  occasion  to  notice  this  schoolmaster.  He  is 
evidently  a  young  man  of  far  more  than  ord'nary  talents. 


THE  DRAFT  IN  DALDINSVILLE.  i6i 

The  schoolmaster  proposed  we  should  git  up  a  mass  meetin. 

The  meetin  was  largely  attended.  We  held  it  in  the  open 
air,  round  a  roarin  bonfire. 

The  schoolmaster  was  the  first  orator.  He  *s  pretty  good  on 
the  speak.  He  also  writes  well,  his  composition  bein  seldom 
marred  by  ingrammaticisms.  He  said  this  inactivity  surprised 
him.  "  What  do  you  expect  will  come  of  this  kind  of  doins  % 
mhilfit " 

"  Hooray  for  Nihil ! "  I  interrupted.  "  Fellow-citizens, 
let 's  give  three  cheers  for  Nihil,  the  man  who  fit." 

The  schoolmaster  turned  a  little  red,  but  repeated — "  Nihil 
fit" 

"  Exactly,"  I  said.     Nihil 7?^.     He  wasn't  a  strategy  feller." 

"  Our  venerable  friend,"  said  the  schoolmaster,  smilin  plea- 
santly, "  isn't  posted  in  Virgil." 

"  No,  I  don't  know  him.  But  if  he 's  a  able-bodied  man,  he 
must  stand  his  little  draft." 

The  schoolmaster  wound  up  in  eloquent  style,  and  the  sub- 
scriber took  the  stand. 

I  said  the  crisis  had  not  only  cum  itself,  but  it  had  brought 
all  its  relations.  It  has  cum,  I  said,  with  a  evident  intention 
of  makin  us  a  good  long  visit.  It's  goin  to  take  off  its 
things  and  stop  with  us.     My  wife  says  so  too. 

This  is  a  good  war.  For  those  who  like  this  war,  it's  just 
such  a  kind  of  war  as  they  like.  I  '11  bet  ye.  My  wife  says 
so  too.  If  the  Federal  army  succeeds  in  takin  Washington, 
and  they  seem  to  be  advancin  that  way  pretty  often,  I  shall 
say  it  is  strategy,  and  Washington  will  be  safe.  And  that 
noble  banner,  as  it  were — that  banner,  as  it  were — will  be  a 
emblem,  or  rather,  I  should  say,  that  noble  banner — as  it  were. 
My  wife  says  so  too.  [I  got  a  little  mixed  up  here,  but  they 
didn't  notice  it.     Keep  mum.] 

Feller-citizens,  it  will  be  a  proud  day  for  this  Republic  when 
Washington  is  safe.  Gloucester,  Massachusetts,  is  safe.  Gen. 
Fremont  is  there.     No  danger  of  Gloucester,  Massachusetts,  iis 

L 


l62  THE  DRAFT  IN  BALDINSVILLE. 

long  as  Gen.  Fremont 's  there.  And  may  the  day  be  not  far 
distant  when  I  can  say  the  same  of  Washington.  But  if  it  is 
saved,  it  will  be  by  strategy.  Vermont  will  soon  be  safe. 
Gen.  Phelps  is  comin  home.  Let  us  all  rejoice  that  Vermont 
is  about  to  be  safe.     My  wife  says  so  too. 

The  editor  of  the  Bugle-Horn  of  Liberty  here  arose  and  said : 
*'  I  do  not  wish  to  interrupt  the  gentleman,  but  a  important 
dispatch  has  just  bin  received  at  the  telegraph  office  here.  I 
will  read  it.  It  is  as  follows  : — *  Gov'ment  is  about  to  take  vigorous 
measures  to  put  down  the  rebellion  / ' "     [Loud  applause.] 

That,  said  I,  is  cheering.  That  *s  soothing.  And  Washing- 
ing  will  be  safe.  [Sensation.]  Philadelphia  is  safe.  Gen. 
Patterson  is  in  Philadelphia.  But  my  heart  bleeds  partic'ly 
for  Washington.     My  wife  says  so  too. 

There 's  money  enough.  No  trouble  about  money.  They  Ve 
got  a  lot  of  first-class  bank-note  engravers  at  Washington 
(which  place,  I  regret  to  say,  is  by  no  means  safe)  who  turn 
out  two  or  three  cords*  of  money  a  day — good  money  too. 
Goes  well.  These  bank-note  engravers  make  good  wages.  I 
expect  they  lay  up  property.  They  are  full  of  Union  senti- 
ment. There  is  considerable  Union  sentiment  in  Virgin  ny, 
more  specially  among  the  honest  farmers  of  the  Shenandoah 
valley.     My  wife  says  so  too. 

Then  it  isn't  money  we  want.  But  we  do  want  rrben,  and 
we  must  have  them.  We  must  carry  a  whirlwind  of  fire 
among  the  foe.  We  must  crush  the  ungrateful  rebels  who 
are  poundin  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  over  the  head  with  slung- 
shots,  and  stabbin  her  with  stolen  knives  !  We  must  lick 
'em  quick.  We  must  introduce  a  large  number  of  first-class 
funerals  among  the  people  of  the  South.     Betsy  says  so  too. 

This  war  hain't  been  too  well  managed.  We  all  know  that. 
What  then  ?  We  are  all  in  the  same  boat — if  the  boat  goes 
down,  we  go  down  with  her.     Hence  we  must  all  fight.     It 

*  In  allusion  to  the  uational  measurement  of  firewood,  a  cord  of  wood 
being  8  feet  long,  4  feet  wide,  and  4  feet  high. 


MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK.  163 

ami;  \M  use  to  talk  now  about  who  caused  the  war.  That's 
played  out.  The  war  is  upon  us — upon  us  all — and  we  must  all 
fight.  We  can't  "  reason"  the  matter  with  the  foe — only  with 
steel  and  lead.  When,  in  the  broad  glare  of  the  noonday  sun, 
a  speckled  jackass  boldly  and  maliciously  kicks  over  a  peanut- 
stand,  do  we  "  reason  "  with  him  1  I  guess  not.  And  why 
"  reason  "  with  those  other  Southern  people  who  are  tryin  to 
kick  over  the  Eepublic  ?     Betsy,  my  wife,  says  so  too. 

I  have  great  confidence  in  A.  Linkin.  The  old  fellow's 
heart  is  in  the  right  place,  and  his  head  is  clear.  There 's  bin 
sum  queer  doins  by  sum  of  his  deputies — civil  and  military — 
but  let  it  pass.  We  must  save  the  Union.  And  don't  let  us 
wait  to  be  drafted.  The  Eepublic  is  our  mother.  For  God's 
sake,  donH  let  us  stop  to  draw  lots  to  see  which  of  us  shall  go  to  the 
rescue  of  our  wounded  and  bleeding  mother.  Drive  the  assassins 
from  her  throat — drive  them  into  the  sea !  And  then,  if  it  is 
worth  while,  stop  and  argue  about  who  caused  all  this  in  the 
first  place.  You've  heard  the  showman.  You've  heard  my 
wife  too.     Me  and  Betsy  is  1. 

The  meetin  broke  up  with  enthusiasm.  We  shan't  draft  in 
Baldinsville  if  we  can  help  it. — Yours  considerably, 

A.  Ward. 


MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK  {SOIREF). 

[Shortly  after  the  publication  in  this  country  of  "  Artemus  Ward  His 
Book,''  I  received  from  a  friend  the  following  article,  purporting  to  have 
been  written  by  Mr  W.  during  a  stay  in  Bristol.  The  sketch  appeared  ia 
the  Bristol  Record*  and  upon  writing  to  the  editor  for  further  information 


♦  Prefixed  to  the  article  in  the  Record  was  the  following : — "  A  letter 
has  just  been  shown  to  us,  of  which  we  subjoin  a  portion,  from  which  it 

will  appear  that  Mr (we  suppress  the  name  for  obvious  reasons)  is 

not  the  only  illustrious  American  who  is  sojourning  at  present  at  Clifton. 
Artemus  Ward  has  retired  for  the  present  from  his  professional  duties,  in 


i64  MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK. 

concerning  it,  I  received  from  that  gentleman  such  a  cautious  reply  aa 
confirmed  a  previous  suspicion  that  "  the  showman"  had  not  visited  the 
great  western  city,  and  that  the  article  was  either  a  concoction  in  Mr 
Ward's  style,  or  one  of  the  papers  of  Josh  Billings,  an  imitator  of  Mr  W., 
llightly  altered  to  suit  the  locality  of  its  republication.  Whether  these 
3oujectures  are  correct  or  not,  the  article  is  here  given  for  the  English 
reader's  criticism,  and,  although  not  equal  in  humour  to  A.  Ward's  more 
successful  pieces,  certain  pleasantries  of  expression  and  droll  extravagances 
observable  in  it  will,  at  least,  repay  perusal.] 

W"all,  we  had  a  just  sittled  down  to  our  wine,  when  sez 
the  Squire  *  soddenlick,  "  Mr  W.,  would  you  like  to  go  to  a 
Graffickr' 

"  What 's  a  Graffickl  "  sed  I. 

"  A  Pictur-shew,"  sed  he,  "  with  a  swoiree  between,  and  all 
the  fashionables  of  this  interestin  location  there." 

*'  Don't  care  if  I  duz,"  sed  I,  "perwided  u  go  the  Ticket."  t 

*'  Sertingly,"  sed  he.  "  Mr  Ward,  you  are  my  guest  for  the 
evening." 

So  we  put  on  our  go-to-meetings,  and  yaller  kid-skins,  and 
Kot  off.     There  was  a  purty  tidy  fixin  of  shrubs  and  statooary 

consequence  of  the  rough  treatment  which  he  lately  received  in  tha 
Southern  States.     His  admirers  have  sent  him  to  England  to  recruit,  and 

he  was  last  week  at  Clifton,  and  dined  with  Mr .     We  are  violating 

no  literary  confidence  in  mentioning  the  above,  as  Mr  Ward  is  combining 
business  with  pleasure,  and  his  letters  will  appear  in  the  New  York  Tri- 
bune, to  v/hich  journal  he  has  temporarily  attached  himself  as  special 
European  correspondent. — Ed.  £.  H. 

*  Sometimes  pronounced  "  Square  "  in  New  England  phraseology — a 
magistrate,  or  justice  of  the  peace.     See  foot-note,  p.  54. 

+  In  this  instance  apparently  refers  to  payment  for  the  entrance  card, 
although  it  may  apply  to  the  vulgar  Transatlantic  phrase,  *'  Go  the  ticket," 
i.e.,  the  entire  scheme — witness  all  offered  in  the  programme — an  expreS 
sion  that  arose  from  the  printed  list  of  political  candidates  used  at  an 
election.  According  to  circumstances,  a  man  is  said  "  To  go  the  ticket," 
or  "  Go  the  straight  ticket,"  i.e.,  the  entire  list  containing  the  "  regular 
nomination  "  of  his  party  ;  "  To  go  a  scratch  ticket,"  a  ticket  from  which 
the  names  of  one  or  more  of  the  candidates  are  erased  ;  to  go  a  "  split 
ticket,"  one  representing  different  divisions  of  his  uarty,  &c. 


ATR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK,  165 

as  we  went  in  (but  nuthin  ekal  to  the  Bowery  Saloon,  New 
iTork !),  and  stairs  up  and  stairs  down,  and  gals  in  opera  clokes 
ascendin  and  D-scendin. 

First  we  go  up  into  a  big  room  with  a  blaze  0'  lite  and  a 
crowd  of  cumpany.  The  Squire  whispers  to  me,  and  sez  he'll 
pint  out  the  lokial  celebrities.  At  the  end  of  the  room  is  a 
great  pictur,  representin  a  stout  femail  on  a  tarnation  dark 
back-ground.  The  critters  scrowded  up  to  it,  and  looked  on 
in  hor.     Presently  I  feels  the  Squire  nudging  me. 

"  Do  you  see  that  individooal,"  sed  he,  "  with  Hyacinthian 
curls,  and  his  eye  in  a  fine  frenzy  rollin  %  That 's  the  great 
art  critic,  who  lays  down  the  lor  for  Bristol  and  ets  vicinity." 

So  I  pushed  up  cloas,  and  sed  I  to  the  creteck,  "  Wall, 
Mister,  what  dew  think  of  that  air  piece  of  canvas  staining  ?" 

At  first  he  Ide  me  loftily,  and  made  no  reply.  At  last  he 
spoak  (with  grate  deliberashun).  "  Not  yet  have  I  mastered 
the  pictur.  I  'm  a  studyin  of  the  onperfectly-seen  vizionoimies 
behind.  Them  guards  is  a  phemomenon.  The  soul  of  the 
painter  has  projected  itself  thrugh  the  august  glooms." 

"  Don't  see  it,"  sez  I.  "  Them  shadders  want  glazin — and 
the  middle-tints  is  no  whur.  Guess  if  Hiram  Applesquash  (our 
*  domestic  decorator'  to  hum)  had  pertrayed  them  guards,  he 
would  hev  slicked  off  their  Uniforms  as  bright  as  a  New  Eng- 
land tulip." 

The  creteck  regarded  me  With  Contemptoous  indigna- 
shun. 

"  Hullo  ! "  sed  I  next,  "  whose  been  and  stolen  a  signboard, 
and  stuck  it  up  in  this  refined  society  ?" 

"  To  what  do  you  defer  ?"  sez  he,  still  very  fridgid. 

"  To  that  corpulent  figgur,"  sez  I,  "  in  military  fixins." 

"  That,  sair,"  sez  he,  with  severity,  "  is  a  portrait  of  his 
Majusty  the  King  of  Denmark,  lately  disEased." 

"  A  portraickt  of  his  cloze,  you  mean,"  sez  I.  "Is  that 
sprorling  pictur  a  work  of  art  ?  (N.B. — This  I  sed  sarcasticul.) 
Hiram  A.  touched  off  a  new  Sign  for  the  Tavern  at  Baldins- 


ib6  MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK. 

ville  jest  before  I  saled,  and  his  '  President's  Head '  would  "bete 
this  by  a  long  chalk  any  day."  With  that  I  scowled  at  the 
Creteck,  and  left  him  looking  considerable  smawl  pertaters. 

Arter  this  we  went  down  into  the  Cole-hole,  wich  they  had 
cleaned  out  for  the  night  and  white-washed.  Here  I  own  was 
buties  of  natur.  I  always  had  a  liken  for  water-colar  paintin, 
and  sometimes  take  a  sketcht  in  that  way  myself.  Me  and 
Squire  tried  to  get  a  good  look,  but  was  engulphed  in  an 
oshun  of  hot  galls,  who  kinder  steamed  again.  The  gas,  close 
over  our  heads,  nigh  made  our  brains  bile  over,  so  sez  I, 
"  Let 's  make  tracks*  out  of  this,  Squire.  It  ain't  civet  (Schak- 
spar)  here.  This  parfume  of  humanity  is  horrid  unhand- 
some." 

"  Let 's  have  a  cup  of  corfy,"  says  he,  "  to  repare  exhorsted 
natur." 

"  A  sherry  cobbler  would  be  more  to  the  purpose,"  says  I, 
"  but  if  they  hev  none  of  them  coolin  drinks  at  art  sworricks, 
here  goes  for  the  Moky."  (N.B. — This  I  sed  ironical.  Korfy 
at  sworricks  is  usually  burnt  beans.) 

So  we  med  our  way  into  another  room,  with  2  bar-counters, 
and  a  crowd  of  people  pushin  and  drivin  to  get  forrerd.  They 
knocked  and  elbered  me  about  till  I  felt  my  dander  riz. 
"  Come  on.  Squire,"  sez  I,  setting  my  arms  a  kimber ;  "  take 
care,  my  old  coons,  of  your  tendur  Korns  and  Bunyans.  Look 
out  for  your  ribs,  for  I've  crooked  my  elbers,"  and  forrerd 
I  goes  with  Squire  follerin'  in  my  wake.  Bimeby  a  woman's 
long  skirt  gets  between  my  legs,  and  I  spins  round  and  goes 
kerslash  t  into  the  stumuck  of  a  fat  old  gentleman,  who  was 
just  blowin  his  third  cup.  He  med  a  spaired  his  breath 
though !    kerslap  t  I  goes  into  his  wastecote,  and  kesouse  t 

*  To  go,  to  run  ;  a  figurative  expression  of  Western  origin  : — "  He  came 
plaguey  near  not  seein  of  me,  says  I :  for  I  had  just  commenced  mahing 
tracks  as  you  came  in." — Sam  Slick  in  England,  ch.  20. 

t  A  variation  of  the  Americanisms  Kerslap,  Kesouse,  Keslosh,  ».e.,  th«» 
noise  made  by  a  body  falling  into  the  water.     See  foot-note,  p.  43. 


MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICK.  167 

goes  his  coffy  over  his  shoulders  onto  hed  and  neck  of  a  bony 
old  made  with  a  bird  of  Pardice  in  her  artificial  locks. 

"  Beg  your  pardon,  marm,"  sez  I,  as  soon  as  I  could  speak. 

She  looked  imprekashuns,  and  turned  away  ortily,  mopping 
herself  down  with  a  laced  nose-rag. 

The  Old  gentleman  was  more  cholerick.  "  Cuss  your  clum- 
siness," says  he,  "  can't  you  come  to  a  graffick  without  punch- 
ing your  ugly  hed  Into  other  people's  stumucks  ?" 

"  I  didn't  go  for  to  do  it,"  sez  I,  **  and  jest  put  the  Saddl  on 
the  right  boss,  mister,"  I  continerred.  "  If  this  femail  behind 
didn't  carry  so  much  slack  foresail,  she  wuddn't  hev  entangled 
my  spars  and  careened  me  over." 

Arter  this  I   would  try  no  more  of  their  all-fired  corfy. 

Squire had  had  enough  of  the  Sworrick,  so  we  made 

tracks  for  the  Ho-tell. 

"  Bring-up  a  quart  of  brandy,"  sez  the  Squire,  "  and  a  bilin 
o'  lemons  and  sugar.  Mr  W.,"  sez  he,  **  there's  not  much  of 
me  left.  Let 's  liquor  up  !  Let 's  have  a  smoke  and  a  cock- 
tail,"* So  we  mixes,  and  had  an  entertaining  discorse  on 
polite  literatoor.  "  Dod-rabbitt  the  sworrick,"  says  Squire. 
*'  Say  no  more  about  it.  I  was  a  fool,  Mr  Ward,  to  prefare  it 
to  your  amusin  an  inshstructive  conversashun." 

After  a  while  we  got  cheerful  and  sung  "  ale  Columby"  (it 's 
a  fine  voice  the  Squire  has  for  a  doo-et).  Eespect  for  the  so- 
shul  Borde  makes  me  now  cave  in  J  and  klose  my  commooni- 

cation.    Squire is  a  grate  filantherpist,  but  he 's  not  grate 

at  stowing  away  his  lick-er.  I  tuk  him  to  bed  after  the  3d 
tumbler,  that  the  cuss  of  a  britisli  Waiter  might  not  see  one 
of  us  free  k  enlightened  citizens  onable  to  walk  strate.  He  said 
it  was  a  wet  night,  and  demanded  his  umburella.  Likewise 
he  wouldn't  hev  his  boots  off",  for  fere  of  catchin  cold.     I  put 

*  A  stimulating  beverage,  made  of  brandy  or  gin,  mixed  with  sugar  and 
a  very  little  water.     See  "Bon  Gaultier'a  Ballads." 
t  An  American  euphemism  for  a  profane  oath. 
X  See  foot-note,  p.  66. 


i68  MR  WARD  ATTENDS  A  GRAFFICR. 

the  candle  in  the  wash-basan  that  the  critter  mightn't  set  his- 
seif  on  fire,  and  left  him  in  bed  with  his  umburella  up,  singing 
"  Ale  columby." 
Arter  that  I  went  down  and  finished  the  mahogany.* 

A.  Ward. 

*  Brandy  and  water,  the  rnddy  appearance  of  which  indicates  that  very 
little  of  the  latter  has  been  used  in  its  composition.  Spanish  ia  the  stronger, 
and  Honduras  the  milder  mixture. 


ARTEMUS  WARD 

(HIS  TRAVELS) 

AMONG    THE    MORMONS. 


INTRODUCTION. 


"Will  you  go  with  me  to  California  and  Oregon  1'*  asked 
Artemus  Ward,  at  the  Eevere  House,  New  York,  one  day  in 
the  summer  of  1863. 

California  being  to  me  what  the  Americans  phrase  "  an  old 
stamping  ground"  —  a  land  with  which  I  was  familiar,  I  at 
once  assented  ;  for  "  Nulla  vestigia  retrorsum  "  is  not  the  motto 
of  any  one  who  has  once  trodden  the  soil  of  the  Golden  State, 
nor  who  has  once  felt  the  luxury  of  life  in  a  climate  to  which 
that  of  Greece  is  the  nearest  European  analogue. 

"  And  then  come  home  across  the  Plains  and  do  the  Mor- 
mons as  we  return  ]  "  added  Artemus,  interrogatively. 

I  paused  before  giving  a  reply.  It  came  to  my  remembrance 
that  Artemus  had  written  **  A  Visit  to  Brigham  Young"  in  a 
vohime  already  publislied,  in  which  imaginary  sketch  he  had 
characterised  the  Mormons  as  "an  onprincipled  a  set  of  retchis 
as  ever  drew  Breth  in  eny  spot  on  the  globe."  *  Visions  flitted 
before  me  of  our  possible  fate  in  a  city  the  inhabitants  of 
which  had  been  so  abused  by  one  of  the  intending  travellers. 
The  insecurity  of  human  life  at  Salt  Lake  had  been  a  frequent 
topic  for  newspaper  paragraphs,  and  I  had  heard  of  an  unpre- 
possessing body  of  men  in  that  vicinity  designated  as  The 
Destroying  Angels.  As  delicately  as  I  could,  I  hinted  to 
Artemus  the  perils  of  the  enterprise.  He  affected  to  despise 
all  danger,  and  treated  my  warnings  as  lightly  as  Don  Quixote 
♦  *•  Artemus  Ward,  His  Book,"  p.  77. 


172  INTRODUCTIOM. 

did  those  of  Sancho  Panza,  relative  to  the  winflmills  of 
Montiel.  That  Artemus  himself  had  some  misgivings  after- 
wards, if  not  then,  is  avowed  by  him  in  the  chapter  on  Salt 
Lake  City  in  the  present  book.  No  matter  how  the  Mormons 
might  receive  us,  it  was  decided  to  go ;  and  we  went. 

For  the  information  of  English  readers  who  are  not  familiar 
with  the  geography  of  the  North  American  Continent,  espe- 
cially with  that  part  of  it  in  which  the  Salt  Lake  is  situated, 
I  venture  to  say  a  few  words  about  the  means  of  getting  to 
the  Mormon  capital,  and  its  situation,  with  especial  reference 
to  the  route  passed  over  by  Artemus  Ward  and  myself. 
Information  relative  to  Utah  is  not  very  plentiful,  and  the 
books  on  that  territory  are  by  no  means  numerous.  The  best 
work  I  have  met  with  is  that  of  M.  Jules  Eemy,*  and  the 
next  best  "  The  City  of  the  Saints,"  by  Captain  Eichard  F. 
Burton,  but  both  of  them  are  descriptive  of  the  Utah  of  full 
five  years  ago  ;  and  while  that  of  Captain  Burton  depicts  the 
rosy  side  of  Mormondom,  that  of  M.  Eemy  is,  perhaps, 
written  with  a  too  condemnatory  pen.  It  is  extremely  difficult, 
even  by  visiting  the  territory,  to  learn  much  concerning  it  and 
its  inhabitants.  The  physical  features  admit  of  easy  descrip- 
tion, but  its  social  life,  the  mighty  influences  which  are  at 
work  for  good  or  evil,  the  curious  problems  which  are  solving 
themselves  among  a  singular  people,  the  exact  nature  of  that 
strange  plastic  power  which,  taking  unto  itself  the  form  of  a 
religion,  is  rapidly  building  up  a  community  unlike  any  other 
on  the  globe,  are  all  points  in  relation  to  the  Mormons  very 
little  understood,  and  which  they  themselves  do  not  wish  made 
clear  to  us,  whom  they  stigmatize  as  "  Gentiles." 

You  can  go  to  Salt  Lake  by  crossing  the  Isthmus  of  Panama, 
or  by  being  ferried  across  the  Missouri  river.  In  proceeding 
by  the  former  route  you  have  to  brave  the  dangers  of  the 
Atlantic  aud  Pacific  Oceans,  and  in  going  by  the  latter  you 
have  to  encounter  the  perils  of  the  Plains,  including  very  ugly 
*  "  Voyage  au  Pays  des  Mormons."    Paris,  1860 


INTRODUCTION.  173 

mountains  and  very  loose-minded  Indians.  The  track  of  travel 
pursed  by  Artemus  Ward  and  myself  was  simply  this :  We 
left  New  York  by  steamer,  crossed  the  Isthmus  of  Panama  by 
railway,  steamed  up  the  Pacific  to  San  Francisco,  then  went 
by  steamboat  again  to  Sacramento,  then  by  railroad  to  Folsom, 
and  next  by  coach  to  Placerville,  where  we  changed  our  con- 
veyance for  what  they  please  to  call  a  "  stage  "  in  California, 
but  which,  in  England,  we  should  describe  as  a  spring-van, 
seated,  with  a  covered  top  to  it,  and  canvas  or  leather  blinds 
on  each  side — a  form  of  conveyance  common  enough  in  the 
States  and  in  Australia,  but  altogether  unknown,  I  believe,  in 
the  British  Isles.  In  a  hideous  apparatus  of  this  description 
we  jolted  on  night  and  day  for  six  hundred  and  thirty  miles 
from  Placerville  to  Salt  Lake  City.  Occasionally  we  obtained 
relief  by  being  transferred  from  the  coach,  as  they  would 
facetiously  persist  in  calling  it,  to  a  sleigh,  formed  of  rough 
pine  wood,  like  a  very  broad  French  egg-box,  far  too  sliallow, 
with  no  cover,  placed  on  huge  "  runners,"  and  drawn  over  the 
ice  by  four  gaunt  maniacal  mules,  driven  by  a  jovial  Jehu,  wha 
regarded  a  capsize  as  the  most  ordinary  of  every-day  events 
and  a  roll  down  a  mountain  side  as  the  most  exhilarating 
pastime  in  the  world.  Six  hundred  more  miles  of  similai' 
coach  and  sleigh  brought  us  from  Salt  Lake  to  Denver  City  in 
Colorado,  and  a  third  six-hundred-mile  ride  took  us  across  the 
plains,  through  camps  of  Sioux  Indians,  past  herds  of  buffaloes, 
and  past  subterranean  cities,  excavated  and  inhabited  by  prairie 
dogs,  to  Atchison,  on  the  Missouri  river ;  where  we  crossed  the 
State  of  Missouri  by  railway  to  St  Louis,  on  the  Mississippi,  and 
then  through  Illinois,  Michigan,  Upper  Canada,  and  New  York 
State,  home  again  to  New  York  ;  in  all,  a  journey  of  over  10,000 
miles,  of  which  about  7000  was  by  water  transit,  and  about 
3000  overland.  To  those  who,  seeking  pleasure,  contemplate 
doing  the  land  route  in  winter,  as  we  did  it,  I  would  give  th« 
same  advice  that  I  think  Artemus  would,  and  say — dorit. 
There  is  nothing  that  Artemus  Ward  has  said  about  the 


174  INTRODUCTION, 

steamer  Ariel^  in  his  first  chapter  of  this  book,  which  would 
not  be  heartily  endorsed  by  nearly  all  who  have  voyaged  in 
the  vessels  belonging  to  Mr  Cornelius  Vanderbilt.  The 
Panama  railway  he  scarcely  attempts  to  describe;  though  a 
railway  less  than  fifty  miles  in  length,  which  you  are  charged 
five  pounds  sterling  for  travelling  over,  is  certainly  expensive 
enough  to  merit  a  few  passing  remarks.  On  the  Pacific  side, 
the  steamers  are  all  that  is  desirable :  they  are  palatial  in 
their  structure,  well  ofiicered,  well  supplied,  and  well  con- 
ducted. I  have  travelled  by  them  more  than  once,  and  know 
nothing  more  agreeable  than  to  lounge  on  the  "hurricane 
deck"  of  the  Golden  City,  or  the  Constitution,  and  placidly 
steam  along  past  the  green  shores  of  cofi'ee-yielding  Costa 
Rica,  the  bold,  rocky  coast  of  Mexico,  the  arid  grandeur  of 
Cape  St  Lucas,  and  the  mountains  covered  with  wild  oats 
which  form  the  majestic  sea-wall  of  California.  In  two  weeks 
from  leaving  Panama  you  float  through  the  Golden  Gate  and 
land  at  San  Francisco. 

Artemus  has  been  very  modest  in  his  book,  and  omitted  to 
say  a  word  in  reference  to  his  success  in  the  metropolis  of 
California.  Here  in  England,  where  the  days  of  lecturing 
seem  to  have  passed  away  with  the  decadence  of  the  Mechanics' 
Institute,  it  may  surprise  many  to  learn  that  at  his  first  lecture 
at  San  Francisco,  Artemus  Ward  received  over  1600  dollars 
(£320).  And  they  pay  in  gold  in  California,  a  State  law 
prohibiting  the  use  of  paper  money.  Greenbacks  are  as  much 
curiosities  there  as  golden  dollars  are  in  New  York  at  the  pre- 
sent moment. 

From  California  we  crossed  the  Sierra  into  Nevada,  more 
poetically  called  "  the  Silver  Land."  In  the  following  pages 
it  is  spoken  of  as  Washoe  ;  and  by  that  name  it  was  originally 
known  when  its  argentine  treasures  were  first  discovered.  At 
the  present  moment  the  name  of  Washoe  is  limited  to  a  small 
city  in  one  corner  of  the  State.  Than  Nevada,  I  scarcely  know 
of  a  place  which  would  convey  more  extraordinary  impressions 


INTRODUCTION,  175 

ko  the  mind  of  a  traveller  from  the  Old  World.  Journeying  to 
it  by  the  route  which  we  took,  or  indeed  by  any  route  from 
California,  the  Sierra  Nevada  mountains  have  to  be  crossed  at  an 
altitude  of  full  six  thousand  feet ;  and  in  descending  from  the 
summit  to  the  other  side,  the  coach  glides  along  a  mountain 
shelf — a  perpendicular  wall  of  rock  to  the  left,  and  an  abyss  on 
the  right — to  look  down  which  requires  stronger  nerves  than 
very  many  travellers  possess.  Used  to  the  peril  of  the  descent, 
the  coachmen  drive  down  the  frightful  incline  at  full  speed, 
while  the  occupants  of  the  vehicle  clutch  its  roof,  or  its  sides, 
and  hold  their  breath  in  the  anxiety  of  their  terror.  Far 
away  in  the  distance  gleams  Lake  Talioe,  once  called  Lake 
Bigler,  after  "  Fat  John  Bigler,"  formerly  Governor  of  Cali- 
fornia, but  who  lost  the  honour  of  having  the  lake  called  by 
his  name  when  his  political  principles  ceased  to  please.  Seen 
as  we  beheld  it,  in  the  early  morning  light,  and  as  we  scudded 
at  a  mad  pace  down  the  mountain  side,  its  surrounding  peaks 
lighted  up  with  rosy  splendour,  and  its  broad  expanse  of  silent, 
lonely  water  glowing  with  silver  brightness,  I  could  think  of 
nothing  in  Switzerland  half  so  grand,  nor  anything  in  Italy 
half  so  charming.  The  lake  is  forty  miles  in  length.  We 
drove  along  beside  it  on  our  way  to  Carson  City,  and  stopped 
to  breakfast  off  some  delicious  fish  taken  out  of  its  waters. 
Then  came  the  ascent  of  the  Second  Summit,  the  first  glance 
at  the  silver  regions,  and  the  scenes  to  which  Artemus  Ward 
alludes  in  the  fifth,  sixth,  seventh,  and  eighth  chapters  of  this 
volume. 

Mr  Brown  (for  such  is  the  real  name  of  Artemus  Ward)  has 
never  pretended  to  be  a  descriptive  writer.  As  he  himself 
would  say,  scenery  is  not  one  of  his  "  forts."  Place  an  odd 
man  beside  a  very  large  mountain,  and  let  Artemus  Ward 
pass  by.  He  will  see  the  man,  and  catch  his  peculiarities 
with  photographic  celerity ;  but  he  will  probably  fail  to  notice 
whether  the  background  to  his  figure  is  a  mountain  or  an 
open  plain.     Travelling  with  him,  I  have  been  many  times 


176  INTRODUCTION 

surprised  at  the  rapidity  with  which  he  grasped  character, 
especially  if  it  verged  towards  the  eccentric.  Were  he  a  land- 
scape writer — and  why  should  there  not  be  landscape  writers 
as  well  as  landscape  painters? — he  would  have  written  at 
length  of  the  wonders  of  that  Washoe  ride,  and  the  glories  of 
that  marvellous  land,  wherein,  to  use  one  of  his  own  witticisms 
not  introduced  in  the  book,  "  Silver  is  Ijdng  around  loose,  and 
thefts  of  it  are  termed  silver-guilt."  He  made  a  descent  into 
the  Gould  and  Curry  mine,  mentioned  by  him  in  the  chapter 
on  Washoe,  and  his  experiences  therein  would  alone  make  a 
pleasant  story. 

New  Year's-day,  1864,  found  us  both  in  Virginia  City, 
perched  up  on  the  side  of  Mount  Davidson,  some  five  or  six 
thousand  feet  above  the  sea-level,  with  a  magnificent  view 
before  us  of  the  desert  over  which  we  had  to  find  our  way  to 
Utah.  It  was  a  pleasant  prospect  to  look  down  upon.  No- 
thing but  arid  rocks  and  sandy  plains,  speckled  with  Artemisia 
or  sage-brush.  No  village  for  full  two  hundred  miles,  and  any 
number  of  the  worst  tribe  of  Indians — the  Goshoots — agree* 
ably  besprinkling  the  path.  We  escaped  by  exactly  twenty- 
four  hours  the  honour  of  being  scalped  at  a  station  west  ot 
Eeese  Eiver.  On  the  night  following  our  departure,  the  noble 
red  man  came  with  his  tomahawk  and  slaughtered  the  men 
who  had  harnessed-up  our  horses. 

The  Reese  Eiver  silver  mines  have  acquired  great  celebrity 
since  Artemus  Ward  lectured  in  Austin.  He  announced  the 
lecture  as  "  The  Pioneer  Lecture  in  the  Shoshone  Nation." 
The  admission  was  one  dollar  and  a  half  (6s.  English),  and 
half  a  dozen  Shoshone  warriors,  in  all  the  glory  of  grease  and 
red-ochre,  clustered  around  the  door  of  the  court-house.  It  is 
hardly  more  than  a  year  and  a  half  ago ;  Austin  was  then  a 
straggling  mining  town  of  little  more  than  a  year's  growth. 
At  the  present  moment  it  is  a  city,  with  a  mayor  and  corpora- 
tion, plate-glass  windows,  and  a  theatre.  Embosomed  as  it  is 
among  mountains,  far  away  from  all  other  cities,  a  silver  mine 


INTRODUCTION.  177 

behind  every  house,  and  Indians  sauntering  about  its  streets 
it  is  one  of  the  strangest  of  the  many  strange  cities  of  the  new 
Western  World. 

Coach  and  sleigh  alternately  took  us  on  from  Eeese  by  way 
of  Fort  Ruby  to  Salt  Lake  City.  It  is  a  drive  of  very  nearly 
four  hundred  miles.  Grandeur  of  scenery  and  the  novelties  of 
the  journey  fail  to  compensate  for  the  loss  of  sleep,  the  fatigue 
of  mind  and  body  occasioned  by  continuous  jolting  over  rocky 
paths,  and  the  inconvenience  of  travelling  in  an  open  sleigh  at 
midnight,  in  the  midst  of  a  snow  storm,  knowing  that  you 
are  some  thousand  feet  up  a  mountain  side,  and  seeing  no  in- 
dications of  any  track  by  which  you  may  reach  the  valley  be- 
low. The  stations  on  the  road  are  miserable  in  the  extreme. 
Sometimes  they  are  mere  "  dug-outs,"  as  they  are  called, 
excavations  in  which  are  stables  for  the  horses  or  mules, 
and  a  subterranean  den  for  the  poor  isolated  wretch  to  sleep 
in  who  has  charge  of  the  property  of  the  company.  A  few  of 
the  stations  are  square-built  forts  of  adobe,  or  sun-dried  brick, 
with  an  apartment  in  the  corner  for  the  keeper  and  his  com- 
panions— that  is,  if  he  happens  to  have  any.  Where  these 
station-keepers  come  from  is  a  problem  to  the  traveller.  Tall, 
gaunt,  dirty,  with  long  untrimmed  hair,  shaggy  whiskers,  and 
innocent  of  linen,  these  pariahs  of  the  desert  lead  the  dreariest 
kind  of  life,  devoid  of  all  comfort,  and  liable  at  any  time  to 
fall  the  victims  of  the  revengeful  Indian.  Among  them  are 
found  the  disappointed  miner  from  California,  the  hunted 
outlaw  from  Texas,  the  spirit-broken  bandit  of  Chihuahua, 
and  the  exacerbated  Juarist  from  Mexico.  At  a  station  at 
which  we  halted  near  Bear  River,  and  where  the  surroundings 
appeared  to  me  to  be  unusually  dreary,  I  remarked  to  the 
station-keeper  that  he  must  be  sadly  in  want  of  company- 
His  reply  startled  me,  "  Not  while  I  can  talk  with  Martin 
Luther  and  Daniel  Webster."  He  was  a  forlorn  Spiritualist 
from  Melrose,  near  Boston.  How  he  accommodated  the 
**  spirits  "  I  know  not,  for  the  room  was  too  small  to  hold  a 
table,  and  a  broad  shelf  served  as  a  substitute. 

It 


178  INTRODUCTION. 

There  was  another  station — Needle  Eock — to  which  Artemup 
refers,  where  the  keeper  was  the  most  pitiable  epecimen  we 
had  seen  of  his  class.  His  habitation  was  high  up  on  a  table- 
land of  desert.  The  scene  around  was  arid,  sterile,  forlorn, 
and  wretched  to  the  last  degree.  It  was  winter.  He  had  to 
go  two  miles  to  a  spring  and  break  in  the  ice  for  water.  We 
passed  him  as  he  was  so  engaged.  Half-starved,  toothless, 
consumptive,  grim  and  ghastly,  we  could  not  but  pity  him 
and  offer  a  few  consoling  jokes.  His  reply  was,  "  I  guess  I  '11 
get  a  wife  this  summer,  and  then  I  '11  be  better  off."  Poor 
fellow  !  The  bride  waiting  for  him  seemed  to  be  her  whom 
we  wed  with  a  ring  of  earth,  and  who  has  dust  and  ashes  for 
her  dower. 

Stations  serve  two  purposes.  At  them  you  change  horses  or 
mules,  and  at  them  you  obtain  meals,  the  latter  of  which  pur- 
poses is  effected  in  a  manner  peculiar  to  the  plains.  Coffee  with- 
out milk,  and  frequently  without  sugar,  bread  baked  while  you 
are  waiting,  and  bacon  broiled  as  expeditiously  as  possible. 
You  know  that  you  are  coming  to  a  station  long  before  you 
see  it.  So  odoriferous  is  the  bacon  that  you  scent  it  two  miles 
away,  and  generally  you  prefer  its  odour  at  that  distance. 
Fortified  with  strong  bacon,  frozen,  weary,  and  yet  jolly — for 
who  could  not  be  so  with  Artemus  ? — we  arrived  at  Salt  Lake 
City. 

And  what  is  Salt  Lake  City  like  ]  Everybody  asks  the 
question.  To  rightly  understand  its  position  it  must  first  be 
premised  that  it  is  situated  on  the  great  table-land  of  the 
central  portion  of  the  North  American  continent.  Every 
street  in  it  is  4000  feet  above  the  sea-level.  The  Andes  of 
South  America,  trending  north  at  the  Isthmus,  break  up  into 
two  great  chains,  which,  on  the  western  side  of  the  continent, 
form  first  the  Cordilleras  of  Anahuac,  in  Mexico,  and  then  the 
Sierra  Nevada  in  California,  while  on  the  eastern  side  they 
form  first  the  Cordillera  of  the  Sierra  Madre,  which  more 
northward   becomes   the   Rocky  Mountains.      Between  this 


INTRODUCTION,  179 

V-Iike  expansion  is  a  table-land,  on  which  stands  the  city  of 
Mexico  in  a  southerly  direction,  and  the  city  of  the  Great  Salt 
Lake  more  to  the  northward.  The  Mormon  capital  occupies 
the  north-eastern  extremity  of  a  valley,  and  that  valley  is  one  of 
the  most  beautiful  of  any  on  the  globe.  Surrounded  by  moun- 
tains— the  Wasach  range  to  the  east  and  the  Oquirrh  range  to 
the  west — watered  by  the  river  Jordan,  which  flows  through  it 
for  twenty-five  miles,  and  fertile  even  to  a  luxuriance  of  fertility 
— no  wonder  that  the  Mormon  leaders  selected  it  for  their 
Mecca — their  Jerusalem — their  Holy  City.  Dr  Johnson,  had 
he  seen  it,  would  have  made  it  the  home  of  E^sselas.  Visions 
of  it,  so  the  Mormons  tell  you,  were  revealed  by  Heaven  to 
Mr  Joseph  Smith,  jun.,  long  before  a  Mormon  inhabited  it. 
Mr  Joseph  Smith  is  said  to  have  related  his  visions  to  his 
disciples ;  and  Brother  Snow,  actor  and  "  saint,"  assured  m6 
that  he  knew  the  valley  the  moment  he  saw  it,  from  the  de- 
scription given  by  Mr  Smith  of  his  vision.  Whether  tlie  Mor- 
mons came  upon  it  by  chance,  or  whether  they  received  infor- 
mation of  its  desirable  character,  they  at  any  rate  acted  wisely 
in  selecting  it  for  their  Tadmor  of  the  Desert.  The  mountains 
which  environ  the  valley  rise  to  an  altitude/ of  from  six  to 
seven  thousand  feet,  shutting  it  in  from  the  desert  without, 
and  rendering  it  more  impregnable  than  any  fortified  city. 
The  passes  by  which  it  can  be  entered  are  few,  and  admit  of 
easy  defence.  Mormons  guard  them,  and  the  Indians  beyond 
are  unquestionably  the  Mormonjs'  friends — possibly  their  allies 

An  erroneous  belief  prevails  among  those  not  better  informed 
that  Salt  Lake  City  is  on  the  borders  of  the  Great  Salt  Lake. 
Such  is  not  the  case.  The  lake  is  eighteen  miles  away  in  a 
gap  among  the  mountains.  It  is  so  salt  that  three  barrels  of 
the  water  are  said  to  yield  on  evaporation  one  barrel  of  pure 
salt.  Nothing  animate  exists  in  it  except  a  small  insect,  which 
amuses  itself  by  practising  saltatory  exercises  on  its  surface. 
As  Artemus  has  elsewhere  said,  "  It  is  too  saline  to  sail  in." 

Tlie  city  itself  is  built  on  what  geologists  term  "  a  bench"  of 


i8o  INTRODUCTION, 

the  mountains,  and  overlooks  the  valley.  Higher  up,  on 
another  bench  to  the  south-east,  is  Camp  Douglas,  where  the 
United  States'  government  keeps  about  two  thousand  Califor- 
nian  soldiers  to  overawe  Brigham  Young.  But  the  Mormans 
are  all  military ;  and  were  a  collision  to  come  about  between 
them  and  the  American  authorities,  they  would  undoubtedly 
turn  out  to  a  man.  Whether  they  have  arms  enough,  is  not 
very  well  known  :  I  believe  they  have.  The  United  States 
sent  General  A.  S.  Johnston  against  them  during  the  admin- 
istration of  President  Buchanan.  The/asco  of  the  expedition 
is  matter  of  history ;  but  the  oddest  result  is,  that  the  musket- 
barrels  of  that  expeditionary  army  now  form  the  waterpipes 
of  Brigham  Young's  palace  and  premises. 

No  wonder  that  the  Mormon  believes  in  his  faith,  or  at  any 
rate  that  the  poorer  and  less  intelligent  of  them  do.  Collected 
from  the  uneducated  districts  of  Wales,  Lancashire,  and  the 
Scottish  Highlands — from  the  shores  of  Norwegian  fiords  and 
the  skirts  of  Swedish  pine-forests — they  arrive  at  New  York, 
in  most  instances  without  money,  and  in  themselves  helpless. 
These  are  met  by  the  agents  of  the  Mormon  rulers,  escorted 
through  the  States  and  across  the  Mississippi  and  Missouri  to 
Florence,  in  Nebraska.  Arrived  there,  they  meet  the  train  of 
waggons  and  the  great  band  of  guides,  which  Brigham  Young 
has  sent  on  to  convey  them  across  the  plains  and  over  the 
Eocky  Mountains  to  Salt  Lake  City.  Entering  at  length  the 
Promised  Land,  they  are  marched  to  Emigration  Square,  and 
passed  under  review  by  Brigham  himself  and  by  the  elders  of 
the  Church.  There  are  those  who  affirm  that  during  the  in- 
spection, if  Brigham  sees  a  pretty  girl  he  "  makes  a  note  of 
it,"  and  that,  if  any  one  of  the  bishops  or  elders  effects  a  like 
discovsry,  he  acts  in  a  similar  manner.  Be  this  as  it  may,  it 
is  the  duty  of  "  the  Church  "  to  look  out  for  the  welfare  of  the 
new-comers,  and  she  does  so  in  what  she  considers  to  be  the 
best  way.  No  one  must  starve;  no  one  must  be  idle;  no 
marriageable  maiden  must  go  without  a  husband,  if  one,  or 


INTRODUCTION,  i8i 

the  twentieth  part  of  one,  is  to  be  had.  In  two  years,  Hodge, 
the  agricultural  labourer,  who  never  earned  more  than  ten 
shillings  per  week  in  his  own  country,  finds  himself  in  the 
possession  of  a  nice  piece  of  land,  a  cottage,  and  a  cow,  while 
Mary,  from  Chowbent,  or  Maggy,  from  the  Caledonian  Canal, 
discovers  herself  to  be  the  sixteenth  wife  of  a  bishop,  whose 
other  fifteen  wives  call  her  "  sister,"  allow  her  to  take  care  of 
their  children,  and  trust  to  share  with  her,  when  they  die,  all 
the  privileges  of  Paradise,  derivable  from  their  matrimonial 
participation  in  their  husband's  holiness.  Ask  Maggy,  or 
Mary,  or  Hodge,  whether  he  or  she  believes  in  the  truth  of 
Mormondom.  Is  it  possible  for  any  one  of  them  to  disbelieve, 
looking  at  his  or  her  present  prosperity,  and  being  taught  to 
regard  the  cow,  the  cottage,  and  the  home  as  "  the  blessing  of 
the  Lord''  in  reward  for  faith  1 

Contentment,  industry,  prosperity,  and  happiness  appear  to 
the  superficial  observer  to  be  the  lot  of  the  Mormons.  The 
Canaan  in  which  they  dwell  veritably  "  flows  with  milk  and 
honey."  Pasturage  is  rich,  stock  is  good,  fields  are  fertile, 
and  there  is  a  market  for  all  that  can  be  raised.  The  inhabi- 
tants of  the  city  number  about  20,000,  but  in  the  territory 
there  cannot  be  less  than  100,000  Mormons.  The  produce  of 
field  and  farm  not  only  finds  a  market  among  themselves,  but 
among  miners  in  distant  gold  fields,  and  soldiers  in  remote 
forts  and  outposts  of  the  desert.  Fruit  grows  in  abundance, 
the  apricot  and  the  peach-tree  bloom  in  every  garden;  the 
vine,  the  maize,  and  the  sorghum  plant  supply  luscious  food 
and  exhilarating  drink.  Every  house  within  the  city  has  one 
and  a  half  square  acre  to  stand  upon,  while  those  outside  the 
city  proper  are  each  surrounded  with  their  eight  or  ten  acres 
of  land.  A  stream  of  clear  water  from  the  mountains  runs 
through  every  street,  and  lines  of  poplars  or  clumps  of  cotton- 
wood,  locust,  or  acacia,  lend  a  grateful  shade  wherever  shade 
is  desirable.  The  crescent -crowned  dome  and  the  minaret  for 
the  muezzin  are  all  that  are  wanted  to  give  Salt  Lake  City  the 
aspect  of  the  Asiatic  Orient. 


i82  INTRODUCTION. 

So  much  for  the  appearance  of  the  city.  Now  for  its  inner 
life.  And  here  I  tread  on  dangerous  ground.  We  English 
are  not  very  sensitive  to  the  criticisms  of  foreigners,  the 
Americans  are  more  so,  but  the  Mormons  are  most  so  of  all. 
Say  one  word  against  their  institutions  after  you  have  been 
among  them,  and  they  howl  at  you  for  your  ingratitude  and 
your  want  of  courtesy  after  receiving  hospitality ;  albeit  that 
the  hospitality  amounted  to  no  more  than  you  paid  for,  and 
you  cannot  for  the  life  of  you  discover  wherein  you  have 
reason  to  be  grateful.  Let  me  give  them  full  credit  for  their 
virtues,  and  say  that  they  had  no  public  bar-room  in  the  city, 
nor  any  gaming-house,  when  Artemus  and  I  were  there,  and 
that  I  am  ready  to  believe,  as  they  asserted,  that  the  social 
evil  did  not  exist  among  them.  But  on  the  'p&r  contra  side  of 
the  question  let  me  place  polygamy  and  the  most  blasphemous 
burlesque  of  what  the  Christian  world  considers  to  be  religion. 
In  a  cemetery  at  Sharon,  Connecticut,  is  a  family  lot  in  which 
seven  graves  are  arranged  in  a  circle.  Six  stones  commemorate 
six  deceased  wives  of  one  gentleman,  while  the  seventh  and  more 
elegant  slab  bears  the  affecting  inscription,  "Our  husband." 
Whether  the  dead  man  was  a  Mormon  or  not  I  do  not  know, 
but  if  Brigham  Young  were  to  die,  and  his  wives  were  to  be 
arranged  around  him  in  similar  manner,  the  circle  would 
require  the  area  of  an  ordinary  cemetery.  How  many  he  has 
I  do  not  know ;  nor  do  I  believe  that  any  one  not  a  Mormon 
is  informed.  He  owns  a  harem  within  his  palace  for  those 
who  live  with  him,  and  calls  it  the  "Lion  House."  The 
ladies — there  may  be  fifty  of  them  and  there  may  be  more — 
have  each  a  room  similarly  furnished.  No  drones  being 
allowed  in  the  hive,  all  work,  and  make  whatever  is  required 
for  the  use  of  the  family.  Besides  these  inmates  of  the  sera- 
glio, Bi'igham  has  a  hundred  or  two  others  distributed  through- 
out the  territory,  who  are  "  sealed  "  to  him,  and  who  by  virtue 
of  the  sealing  process  hope  to  share  bliss  with  him  hereafter. 
From  what  I  could  learn  of  the  creed  of  the  Mormons  it  ap- 


INTRODUCTION.  183 

pears  to  be  one  of  their  tenets  that  an  unmarried  lady  cannot 
have  a  future  state.  The  wife  goes  to  heaven  clinging  to  the 
skirts  of  her  husband's  coat,  and  just  as  many  as  can  hitch  on 
he  is  believed  to  be  able  to  take  there  with  him.  Consequently 
the  man  who  holds  the  highest  position  in  the  church  is  the 
most  sought  after  by  young  ladies  desiring  to  be  sealed. 
Heber  C.  Kimball  has,  I  believe,  almost  as  many  wives  as 
Brigham  Young.  Many  of  the  "saints,"  as  they  self-right- 
eously  call  themselves,  have  from  three  to  ten.  Some  are 
content  with  only  two,  and  there  are  those  who  have  but  one. 
Among  themselves  they  do  not  call  it  polygamy  or  bigamy ; 
the  word  for  it  is  "  plurality." 

To  go  to  a  party  in  Salt  Lake  City  is  a  very  jolly  affair.  I 
went  to  one  where  there  were  thirty-three  young  ladies,  and 
only  nine  gentlemen.  All  of  the  thirty-three  were,  I  believe, 
unmanied.  The  female  element  is  very  plentiful,  owing 
partly  to  there  being  more  female  immigrants  than  males, 
and  also  owing  to  the  physiological  fact  that  polygamy  pro- 
duces more  offspring  of  the  feminine  gender  than  of  the  mas- 
culine. Amusements,  theatrical,  musical,  and  Terpsichorean, 
are  patronised  largely  by  both  young  and  old.  A  bishop 
thinks  nothing  of  enacting  a  part  at  a  theatre.  Brigham 
Young's  three  best-beloved  daughters  played  publicly  the  parts 
of  Aglaia,  Euphrosyne,  and  Thalia,  in  the  drama  of  "  The 
Marble  Heart."  The  performances  at  the  playhouse  are  occa- 
sionally announced  from  the  pulpit,  and  the  "Apostles'  Ball" 
is  attended  by  every  devout  saint  who  can  procure  a  ticket  ot 
admission. 

Are  the  Mormon  women  pretty  ?  Many  have  asked  me  the 
question.  Pardon  me,  Mormon  ladies,  while  I  truthfully  reply. 
Some  are  pretty  enough.  I  regret  they  are  so  few ;  but  it  is 
easily  to  be  understood,  bearing  in  mind  the  sources  whence 
the  female  population  of  Mormondom  is  drawn,  that  beauty 
is  the  exception,  not  the  rule.  "With  intellects  only  half  culti- 
vated, with  the  natural  instincts  of  woman  in  abeyance,  and 


1 84  INTRODUCTION. 

the  helpmate  of  man  degraded  into  the  position  of  his  servant 
and  his  plaything,  cau  it  be  expected  that  the  mind  should 
give  glory  to  the  countenance,  or  Dante's  ^^  Lampeggiar  del 
angelico  riso  "  illume  the  face  of  her  whose  soul  belongs  to  her 
husband,  not  to  herself  1 

"  And  how  do  the  Mormon  ladies  like  polygamy  ? "  was  the 
next  question  which  everybody  asked  Artemus  AVard  and 
myself  on  our  return  home.  Whatever  their  woes  are,  they 
keep  them  to  themselves,  and  do  not  disclose  them  to  casual 
travellers.  Some  of  the  more  strong-minded  among  them  may 
consider  it  to  be  a  commendable  institution.  Mrs  Belinda  M. 
Pratt,  for  instance,  in  a  published  letter  of  hers  to  a  "  dear 
sister,"  says — 

"  The  polygamic  law  of  God  opens  to  all  vigorous,  healthy, 
and  virtuous  women  a  door  by  which  they  may  become 
honourable  wives  of  virtuous  men,  and  mothers  of  faithful, 
virtuous,  healthy,  and  vigorous  children.  Do  not  let  your 
prejudices  and  traditions  keep  you  from  believing  the  Bible, 
nor  from  your  seat  in  the  kingdom  of  heaven  among  the  royal 
family  of  polygamists  ! " 

Mrs  Belinda  Marden  Pratt  is  not  like  most  women. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  could  not  love  three  wives  V* 
was  the  question  addressed  to  me  by  a  very  pretty  Mormon 
lady,  whose  husband  was  sealed  to  two  besides  herself.  "  I 
am  sorry  for  you,"  she  added,  "  because  it  shows  that  grace 
has  never  triumphed  in  you."  On  inquiry,  I  found  that  she 
was  the  favourite  of  her  husband,  that  wife  No.  2  was  a  ser- 
vant in  the  house,  and  that  wife  No.  1  lived  in  an  outhouse, 
at  the  end  of  the  garden,  and  never  came  into  the  parlour  of 
the  principal  residence. 

The  best  proof  of  the  female  population  being  discontented 
with  their  position  is  furnished  by  some  extracts  from  sermons 
preached  by  Brigham  Young  and  Heber  C.  Kimball,  published 
in  the  "  Deseret  News,"  and  quoted  by  the  Honourable  John 
Cradlebaugh,  in  his  speech  against  the  admission  of  Utah  as 


INTRODUCTION,  185 

a  State  of  the  Union.     In  one  of  these,  Brigham  Inus  addresses 
his  flock : — 

"  Now  for  my  proposition :  it  is  more  particularly  for  my  sisters,  at  it 
18  frequently  happening  that  women  say — they  are  unhappy.  Men  will  say, 
*  My  wife,  though  a  most  excellent  woman,  has  not  seen  a  happy  day  since 
I  took  my  first  wife ;'  *  No,  not  a  happy  day  for  a  year,'  says  one,  and 
another  has  not  seen  a  happy  day  for  five  years.  It  is  said  that  women 
are  tied  down  and  abused  ;  that  they  are  misused,  and  have  not  the  liberty 
they  ought  to  have ;  that  many  of  them  are  wading  through  a  perfect 
flood  of  tears,  because  of  the  conduct  of  some  men,  together  with  their 
own  folly. 

"  I  wish  my  women  to  understand  that  what  I  am  going  to  say  is  for 
them,  as  well  as  for  all  others,  and  I  want  those  who  are  here  to  tell  their 
sisters  that  I  am  going  to  give  you  from  this  time  to  the  Sixth  day  of 
October  next  for  reflection,  that  you  may  determine  whether  you  wish  to 
stay  with  your  husbands  or  not,  and  then  I  am  going  to  set  every  woman 
at  liberty,  and  say  to  them — *  Now  go  your  way ;  my  women  with  the 
rest,  go  your  way.'  And  my  wives  have  got  to  do  one  of  two  things ; 
either  round  up  their  shoulders  to  bear  the  afflictions  of  this  world  and 
nve  their  religion,  or  they  may  leave  ;  for  I  will  not  have  them  about  me. 
I  will  go  into  heaven  alone,  rather  than  have  scratching  and  fighting 
around  me. 

"  Sisters,  I  am  not  joking.  I  do  not  throw  out  my  proposition  to 
oanter  your  feelings,  to  see  whether  you  will  leave  your  husbands,  all  or 
any  of  you.  But  I  do  know  that  there  is  no  cessation  to  the  everlasting 
tchinings  of  many  of  the  women  in  this  territory  ;  and  if  the  women  will 
turn  from  the  commandments  of  God,  and  continue  to  despise  the  order 
of  heaven,  I  will  pray  that  the  curse  of  the  Almighty  may  be  close  to  their 
heels,  and  that  it  may  be  following  them  all  the  day  long.  And  those 
that  enter  into  it  and  are  faithful,  I  will  promise  that  they  shall  be  queens 
in  heaven  and  rulers  to  all  eternity." — Deseret  News,  Sept.  21,  1856. 

Than  the  above  extract  no  better  authority  could  be  adduced 
for  the  statement  frequently  made  that  the  women  of  Utah  are 
unhappy.  In  what  light  they  are  regarded  by  the  men  may 
be  judged  from  the  fact,  that  Heber  C.  Kimball,  the  next  in 
office  to  Brigham,  frequently  mentions  his  wives  by  the  endear- 
ing appellation  of  his  "  cows  ! " 

What  will  become  of  this  strangely-constituted  imperium  in 
imperio  which  Mormonism  has  built  up  in  the  heart  of  the 


i«6  INTRODUCTION. 

American  desert,  and  under  the  flag  of  the  United  States,  ia 
for  the  future  to  make  evident.  The  generality  of  the  Mor- 
mon population  seem  firmly  to  believe  that  they  are  to  be  the 
ruling  race  in  America,  but  whether  the  leaders  and  principal 
men  honestly  think  so  is  very  doubtful.  In  the  event  of 
another  hegira,  rumour  points  to  the  Sandwich  Islands  as  the 
place  where  Mormonism  will  yet  more  fully  develop  itself. 

One  fact  relative  to  Salt  Lake  City  deserves  to  be  noticed, 
as  it  is  very  indicative  of  the  present  state  of  intellectual 
culture  among  the  inhabitants.  When  Artemus  was  there,  I 
could  not  find  a  book-shop  in  the  whole  place.  The  nearest 
approaches  to  one  were  some  very  old  books  at  a  grocery  store 
near  the  hotel,  and  the  store  kept  by  W.  W.  Phelps,  whose 
name  occurs  in  the  following  pages,  A  notice  in  the  window 
of  the  latter  informed  the  passer-by  that  dried  apples  were 
taken  in  exchange  for  almanacs.  Amongst  the  dust  and  rub- 
oish  inside  two  or  throe  old  books  were  discernible.  Sadly  in 
want  of  literature,  and  hunting  over  the  extensive  Gentile 
store  of  Mr  Walker,  who  deals  in  silks,  q.o^qq,  treacle,  muslins, 
medicines,  and  cart-wheels,  two  volumes  were  discovered  for 
sale:  an  old  volume  on  "The  Art  of  Shoeing  Horses,"  and 
''  Aurora  Leigh,"  by  Mrs  Browning ;  Mr  Walker  asked  ten 
dollars  for  the  shoeing  book,  three  for  Mrs  Browning,  and 
offered  to  throw  in  a  spotted  cravat,  if  a  purchase  were  made  of 
both. 

Coming  along  in  the  coach  over  the  plains  from  Salt  Lake,  I 
was  separated  for  a  time  from  Artemus.  In  the  coach  with  me 
were  three  exceedingly  jolly  Mormons.  One  was  Mr  John 
Young,  a  very  intelligent  son  of  Brigham's,  another  was  Bishop 
Staines,  Librarian  of  the  Utah  Library,  and  the  third  Mr 
Hiram  Clawson,  manager  of  the  theatre  and  son-in-law  to 
Brigham  Young.  All  three  were  "  saints,"  and  each  of  them 
had  two  or  three  wives  at  home  in  Utah.  They  were  travel- 
ling east  on  various  errands,  one  of  which  was  to  purchase 
dresses  and  negotiate  for  gasworks  for  the  theatre.     A  conver- 


TNTRODUCTIOI^,  187 

eation  arose  on  the  subject  why  it  is  that  the  outer  world  ex- 
presses disgust  or  scorn  at  Mormon  doings.  "  What  cause  is 
there  to  sneer  or  to  make  fun  of  us  ? "  asked  the  elder  of  the 
party.  I  remembered  that  the  three  had  not  long  since  joined 
in  the  chorus  of  "  Eip  !  slap  !  set  him  up  again,"  the  original 
American  version  of  the  modern  vulgar  ditty  of  "  Slap,  bang!" 
and  I  replied  by  asking  if  they  thought  that  there  was  nothing 
ridiculous  in  a  "  saint "  going  to  New  York  to  buy  a  theatrical 
wardrobe,  or  in  three  "  saints,"  one  of  whom  was  a  bishop, 
yelling  in  chorus  the  wretched  nonsense  of  "  Rip,  slap."  The 
expression  of  their  countenances  told  me  that  they  thought  me 
to  be  absurd,  not  themselves. 

Using  the  material  gleaned  by  him  during  his  visit  to  Utah, 
Artemus  Ward  has  constructed  an  entertainment  very  popular 
at  the  present  moment  throughout  the  United  States,  and 
which  he  promises  to  bring  to  England.  Here  are  a  few  of  the 
recent  notes  and  rules  appended  to  his  present  programme : — 

# 
«  * 

1^  Soldiers  on  the  battle-field  will  be  admitted  to  this  Entertainment 

gratis. 

♦ 

#  ♦ 

1^"  Tbe  Indians  on  the  Overland  Route  live  on  Routes  and  Herbes. 
They  are  an  intemperate  people.      They  drink  with  impunity,  or  anybody 

who  invites  them. 

* 

*  * 

<^  Artemus  "Ward  delivered  Lectures  before 

ALL  THE  CROWNED  HEADS  OF  EUROPE 

ever  thought  of  delivering  lectures. 
•  •••••••• 

The  festivities  will  be  commenced  by  the  pianist,  a  gentleman  who  used 
to  board  in  the  same  street  with  Mr  Gottschalk.  The  man  who  kept  the 
bojirding-house  remembers  it  distinctly.  The  overture  will  consist  of  a 
medley  of  airs,  including  the  touching  new  ballads,  "Dear  Sister,  is 
there  any  Pie  in  the  House?"  "My  gentle  Father,  have  you  any 
Fine  Cut  about  you  ?"  "Mother,  is  the  Battle  o'er,  and  is  it  Safe  for 
me  to  Come  Home  from  Canada?"  and  (by  request  of  many  families  who 


i88  INTRODUCTION. 

haven't  heard  it)  "Tramp,  Tramp,  Tramp,  the  Boys  are  Munching  1** 
While  the  enraptured  ear  drinks  in  this  Sweet  music  [we  pay  our  pianist 
nine  dollars  a  week  and  "find  him"]  the  eye  will  be  enchained  by  the 
magnificent  green  baize  covering  of  the  Panorama.  This  green  baize  cost 
forty  cents  a  yard  at  Mr  Stewart's  store.  It  was  bought  in  deference  to 
the  present  popularity  of  "  The  Wearing  o'  the  Green."  We  shall  keep 
up  with  the  times,  if  we  spend  the  last  dollar  our  friends  have  got. 

i^°  Those  of  the  Audience  who  do  not  feel  offended  with  Artemus  Ward 
are  cordially  invited  to  call  upon  him,  often,  at  his  fine  new  house  in 
Brooklyn.  His  house  is  on  the  right  hand  side  as  you  cross  the  Ferry,  and 
may  be  easily  distinguished  from  the  other  houses  by  its  having  a  Cupola 
and  a  Mortgage  on  it. 

Main  Street,  East  Side. — The  Salt  Lake  House,  &c.  It  is  a  temper- 
ance Hotel.     In  fact  the  Maine  Law  is  rigidly  enforced  in  Utah. 

She's  the  most  distressful  country  that  ever  yet  has  bin. 
They're  imprisonin'  men  and  women  there  for  sellin*  of  the  gin.. 

The  Moemon  Theatre. — ^Romeo  and  Juliet,  with  ten  Juliets. — It  is 
confusing  to  Romeo,  and  when  Juliet  asks — "  Wherefore  art  thou  Romeo  ?" 
Romy  answers  that  he  don't  know,  scurcely,  wherabout's  he  's  gone  to. 

1^"  An  Intermission  of  five  minutes  will  occur  here,  so  the  Lecturei 
can  go  across  the  street  to  "  see  a  man."  The  Pianist,  however,  will  mean- 
while practise  some  new  music,     .^i 

Following  these  notes  and  rules  come  some  burlesque  press 
notices  ;  the  places  to  which  the  papers  are  accredited  are  the 
most  out-of-the-way  and  ridiculous  little  places  in  the  United 
States.     I  select  some  of  these  bizarre  critiques  : — 

•  •  •  •  .  •  •  • 

From  the  Sheyloygan  (Wisconsin)  Bugle  of  Liberty. 
Artemus  Ward. — This  great  lecturer  called  on  us  to-day  and  ordered 
quite  a  lot  of  Job  Printing.     We  consider  him  one  of  the  greatest  lecturers 
in  this  country. 


From  the  Skowkegan  (Maine)  Clarion, 
Although  his  style  is  different  from  Washington  Irving's,  we  cannot  be 
blind  to  the  fact  that  Mr  Irving's  style  is  different  from  his. 


INTRODUCTION,  189 

Prom  the  Rahway  Oaaette. 
Not  a  dry  eye  in  the  audience.     Many  could  have  borrowed  money  of 
liim  on  the  spot. 


From  the  Hoboken  Expounder. 
No  family  should  be  without  him. 


From  the  Keokuk  (Iowa)  Banner, 
We  don't  know  when  we  have  been  more  so. 

With  regard  to  Artemus  Ward's  Entertainment  I  have  only 
to  say,  using  a  novel  and  poetic  frase,  "  It  must  be  seen  to  be 
believed."  It  is  the  manner  of  the  man  even  more  than  his 
matter  which  attracts  large  audiences.  His  singularly  sparse 
form,  his  comic  profile,  the  prominence  of  one  particular  fea- 
ture of  his  face,  the  way  he  has  of  saying  good  things,  as  if 
perfectly  unconscious  of  what  he  is  saying,  and  the  habit  he 
has  of  punctuating  his  sentences  by  twiddling  a  httle  black 
cane,  are  all  powerful  aids  to  him  as  a  lecturer.  In  his  exoteric 
developments  he  is  the  most  mirthful  of  men,  and  those  who 
know  him  intimately,  as  I  do,  know  him  to  be  as  gentle-hearted 
as  he  is  genial,  as  candid  as  he  is  cordial,  as  true  as  he  is 
talented. 

Edward  P.  Kingston. 

London,  1865. 


PART  L 

ON  THE  RAMPAGE. 


I.— ON  THE  STEAMER. 

New  York,  Oct.  13,  1863. 
The  steamer  Ariel  starts  for  California  at  noon. 

Her  decks  are  crowded  with  excited  passengers,  who  in* 
sanely  undertake  to  "look  after"  their  trunks  and  things; 
and  what  with  our  smashing  against  each  other,  and  the  yells 
of  the  porters,  and  the  wails  over  lost  baggage,  and  the  crash 
of  boxes,  and  the  roar  of  the  boilers,  we  are  for  the  time- 
being  about  as  unhappy  a  lot  of  maniacs  as  were  ever  thrown 
together. 

I  am  one  of  them.  I  am  rushing  round  with  a  glaring  eye 
in  search  of  a  box. 

Great  jam,  in  which  T  jSnd  a  sweet  young  lady,  with  golden 
hair,  clinging  to  me  fondly,  and  saying,  "  Dear  George,  fare- 
well !" — Discovers  her  mistake,  and  disappears. 

I  should  like  to  be  George  some  more. 

Confusion  so  great  that  I  seek  refuge  in  a  state-room,  which 
contains  a  single  lady  of  forty-five  summers,  who  sayc,  "  Base 
man  ! — leave  me  !  "     I  leave  her. 

By  and  by  we  cool  down  and  become  somewhat  regulated. 


ON  THE  STEAMER.  191 

Next  Bay. 
When  the  gong  sounds  for  breakfast,  we  are  fairly  out  on 
the  sea,  which  runs  roughly,  and  the  Ariel  rocks  wildly. 
Many  of  the  passengers  are  sick,  and  a  young  naval  officer 
establishes  a  reputation  as  a  wit  by  carrying  to  one  of  the  in- 
valids a  plate  of  raw  salt  pork,  swimming  in  cheap  molasses. 
I  am  not  sick ;  so  I  roll  round  the  deck  in  the  most  cheerful 
sea-dog  manner. 


The  next  day  and  the  next  pass  by  in  a  serene  manner. 
The  waves  are  smooth  now,  and  we  can  all  eat  and  sleep. 
We  might  have  enjoyed  ourselves  very  well,  I  fancy,  if  the 
Arid^  whose  capacity  was  about  three  hundred  and  fifty  pas- 
sengers, had  not  on  this  occasion  carried  nearly  nine  hundred, 
a  hundred  at  least  of  whom  were  children  of  an  unpleasant 
age.  Captain  Semmes  captured  the  Arid  once,  and  it  is  to 
be  deeply  regretted  that  that  thrifty  buccaneer  hadn't  madd 
mince-meat  of  her ;  because  she  is  a  miserable  tub  at  best,  and 
hasn't  much  more  riglit  to  be  afloat  than  a  second-hand  coffin 
has.  I  do  not  know  her  proprietor,  Mr  C.  Vanderbilt ;  but  I 
know  of  several  excellent  mill  privileges  in  the  State  of  Maine, 
and  not  one  of  them  is  so  thoroughly  Dam'd  as  he  was  all  the 
way  from  New  York  to  Aspinwall. 

I  had  far  rather  say  a  pleasant  thing  than  a  harsh  one ;  but 
it  is  due  to  the  large  number  of  respectable  ladies  and  gentle- 
men, who  were  on  board  the  steamer  Ariel  with  me,  that  I 
state  here  that  the  accommodations  on  that  steamer  were 
very  vile.  If  I  did  not  so  state,  my  conscience  would  sting 
me  through  life,  and  I  should  have  horrid  dreams  like 
Eichard  III.,  Esq. 

The  proprietor  apparently  thought  we  were  undergoing 
transportation  for  life  to  some  lonely  island,  and  the  very 
waiters,  who  brought  us  meats  that  any  warden  of  any  peni- 
tentiary would  blush  to  offer  convicts,  seemed  to  think  it  was 
a  glaring  error  our  not  being  it  chains. 


192  THE  ISTHMUS, 

As  a  specimen  of  the  liberal  manner  in  which  this  steamer 
was  managed,  I  will  mention  that  the  purser  (a  very  pleasant 
person,  by  the  way)  was  made  to  unite  the  positions  of  purser, 
baggage-clerk,  and  doctor ;  and  I  one  day  had  a  lurking  sus- 
picion that  he  was  among  the  waiters  in  the  dining-cabin,  dis- 
guised in  a  white  jacket  and  slipshod  pumps. 


I  have  spoken  my  Piece  *  about  the  Ariel,  and  I  hope  Mr 
Vanderbilt  will  reform  ere  it  is  too  late.  Dr  Watts  says  the 
vilest  sinner  may  return  as  long  as  the  gas-meters  work  well, 
or  words  to  that  effect. 

We  were  so  densely  crowded  on  board  the  Ariel,  that  I 
cannot  conscientiously  say  we  were  altogether  happy.  And 
sea-voyages  at  best  are  a  little  stupid.  On  the  whole,  I 
should  prefer  a  voyage  on  the  Erie  Canal,  where  there  isn't 
any  danger,  and  where  you  can  carry  picturesque  scenery 
along  with  you — so  to  speak. 


2.— THE  ISTHMUS. 

On  the  ninth  day  we  reach  Aspinwall,  in  the  Bepuhlic  of 
Grenada.  The  President  of  New  Grenada  is  a  Central 
American  named  Mosquero.  I  was  told  that  he  derived  quite 
a  portion  of  his  income  by  carrying  passengers'  valises  and 
things  from  the  steamer  to  the  hotels  in  Aspinwall.  It  was 
an  infamous  falsehood.  Fancy  A.  Lincoln  carrying  carpet- 
bags and  things  !  and  indeed  I  should  rather  trust  him  with 
them  than  Mosquero,  because  the  former  gentleman,  as  I 
think  some  one  has  before  observed,  is  "  honest." 

I  intrust  my  bag  to  a  speckled  native,  who  confidentially 

*  "  Speak  a  piece" — A  common  phrase  among  children  in  New  England, 
having  reference  to  a  school  recitation.  "  Artemus  Ward  will  speak  a 
piece,"  was  the  way  in  which  Artemus  announced  his  lectures  for  many 
years. 


THE  ISTHMUS.  193 

gives  Dae  to  understand  that  he  is  the  only  strictly  honest 
person  in  Aspinwall.  The  rest,  he  says,  are  niggers — which 
the  coloured  people  of  the  Isthmus  regard  as  about  as  scathing 
a  thing  as  they  can  say  of  one  another. 

I  examine  the  New  Grenadian  flag,  which  waves  from  the 
chamber-window  of  a  refreshment  saloon.  It  is  of  simple 
design.     You  can  make  one. 

Take  half  of  a  cotton  shirt,  that  has  been  worn  two  months, 
and  dip  it  in  molasses  of  the  Day  and  Martin  brand.  Then 
let  the  flies  gambol  over  it  for  a  few  days,  and  you  have  it.  It 
is  an  emblem  of  Sweet  Liberty. 

At  the  Howard  House  the  man  of  sin  rubbeth  the  hair  of 
the  horse  to  the  bowels  of  the  cat,  and  our  girls  are  waving 
their  lily-white  hoofs  in  the  dazzling  waltz. 

We  have  a  quadrille,  in  which  an  English  person  slips  up 
and  jams  his  massive  brow  against  my  stomach.  He  apolo- 
gises, and  I  say,  "All  right,  my  lord."  I  subsequently 
ascertained  that  he  superintended  the  shipping  of  coals  for 
the  British  steamers,  and  owned  fighting  cocks. 

The  ball  stops  suddenly. 

Great  excitement.  One  of  our  passengers  intoxicated  and 
riotous  in  the  street.  Openly  and  avowedly  desires  the  entire 
Eepublic  of  New  Grenada  to  "  come  on." 

In  case  they  do  come  on,  agrees  to  make  it  lively  for  them. 
Is  quieted  down  at  last,  and  marched  off  to  prison  by  a  squad 
of  Grenadian  troops.  Is  musical  as  he  passes  the  hotel,  and, 
smiling  sweetly  upon  the  ladies  and  children  on  the  balcony, 
expresses  a  distinct  desire  to  be  an  Angel,  and  with  the  Angels 
stand.  After  which  he  leaps  nimbly  into  the  air,  and  imitates 
the  war-cry  of  the  red  man. 


The  natives  amass  wealth  by  carrying  valises,  &c.,  then 
squander  it  for  liquor.  My  native  comes  to  me  as  I  sit  on 
the  verandah  of  the  Howard  House  smoking  a  cigar,  and 
solicits  the  job  of  taking  my  things  to  the  cars  next  morning. 

X 


194  THE  ISTHMUS. 

He  is  intoxicated,  and  has  been  fighting,  to  the  palpable  detri- 
ment of  his  wearing  apparel,  for  he  has  only  a  pair  of  tattered 
pantaloons  and  a  very  small  quantity  of  shirt  left. 


We  go  to  bed.     Eight  of  us  are  assigned  to  a  small  den  up- 
stairs, with  only  two  lame  apologies  for  beds. 

Mosquitoes  and  even  rats  annoy  us  fearfully.  One  bold  ra 
gnaws  at  the  feet  of  a  young  Englishman  in  the  party.  This 
was  more  than  the  young  Englishman  could  stand,  and  rising 
from  his  bed  he  asked  us  if  New  Grenada  wasn't  a  Eepublic  1 
We  said  it  was.  "  I  thought  so,"  he  said.  "  Of  course  I  mean 
no  disrespect  to  the  United  States  of  America  in  the  remark, 
but  I  think  I  prefer  a  bloated  monarchy  !  "  He  smiled  sadly 
— then  handing  his  purse  and  his  mother's  photograph  to 
another  English  person,  he  whispered  softly,  "  If  I  am  eaten 
up,  give  them  to  Me  mother — tell  her  I  died  like  a  true  Briton, 
with  no  faith  whatever  in  the  success  of  a  republican  form  of 
government !  "    And  then  he  crept  back  to  bed  again. 


We  start  at  seven  the  next  morning  for  Panama. 

My  native  comes  bright  and  early  to  transport  my  carpet 
sack  to  the  railway  station.  His  clothes  have  sufiered  still 
more  during  the  night,  for  he  comes  to  me  now  dressed  only 
in  a  small  rag  and  one  boot. 

At  last  we  are  off.  *'Adios,  Americanos  ! "  the  natives  cry; 
to  which  I  pleasantly  reply,  ^^Adous  !  and  long  may  it  be  be- 
fore you  have  a  chance  to  Do  us  again." 

The  cars  are  comfortable  on  the  Panama  railway,  and  the 
country  through  which  we  pass  is  very  beautiful.  But  it  will 
not  do  to  trust  it  much,  because  it  breeds  fevers  and  other  un- 
pleasant disorders  at  all  seasons  of  the  year.  Like  a  girl  we 
most  all  have  known,  the  Isthmus  is  fair  but  false. 

There  are  mud  huts  all  along  the  route,  and  half-naked 
savages  gaze  patronisingly  upon  us  from  their  door-ways.  An 
elderly  lady  in  spectacles  appears  to  be  much  scandalised  by 


THE  ISTHMUS.  195 

tlie  scant  dress  of  these  people,  and  wants  to  know  why  the 
Select  Men  don't  put  a  stop  to  it.  From  this,  and  a  remark 
she  incidentally  makes  about  her  son  who  has  invented  a 
washing  machine  which  will  wash,  wring,  and  dry  a  shirt  in 
ten  minutes,  I  infer  that  she  is  from  the  hills  of  Old  New 
England,  like  the  Hutchinson  family.  * 


The  Central  American  is  lazy.  The  only  exercise  he  eA'er 
takes  is  to  occasionally  produce  a  Kevolution.  When  his  feet 
begin  to  swell  and  there  are  premonitory  s^Tuptoms  of  gout, 
he  "revolushes"  a  spell,  and  then  serenely  returns  to  his 
cigarette  and  hammock  under  the  palm  trees. 

These  Central  American  Eepublics  are  queer  concerns.  I 
do  not,  0^  course,  precisely  know  what  a  last  year's  calf's  ideas 
of  immortal  glory  may  be,  but  probably  they  are  about  as 
lucid  as  those  of  a  Central  American  in  regard  to  a  republican 
form  of  government. 

And  yet  I  am  told  they  are  a  kindly  people  in  the  main.  I 
never  met  but  one  of  them — a  Costa-Rican,  on  board  the  Ariel. 
He  lay  sick  with  fever,  and  I  went  to  him  and  took  his  hot 
hand  gently  in  mine.  I  shall  never  forget  his  look  of  gratitude. 
And  the  next  day  he  borrowed  five  dollars  of  me,  shedding 
tears  as  he  put  it  in  his  pocket. 


At  Panama  we  lose  several  of  our  passengers,  and  among 
them  three  Peruvian  ladies,  who  go  to  Lima,  the  city  of  vol- 
canic irruptions  and  veiled  black-eyed  beauties. 

The  Seiioritas  who  leave  us  at  Panama  are  splendid  crea- 
tures. They  learned  t  me  Spanish,  and  in  the  soft  moonlight  we 
walked  on  deck  and  talked  of  the  land  of  Pizarro.  (You  know 
old  Piz.  conquered  Peru  !  and  although  he  was  not  educated 

*  Alluding  to  a  musical  family,  whose  entertainment  was  once  very 
popular  in  England. 

t  This  use  of  the  verb  to  learn^  uncouth  as  it  sounds  to  an  English  ear, 
is  very  common  in  the  United  States. 


19^  MEXICO, 

at  West  Point,  he  had  still  some  military  talent )  I  feci  as 
though  I  had  lost  all  my  relations,  including  my  grandmother 
and  the  cooking  stove,  when  these  gay  young  Senoritas  go 
away. 

They  do  not  go  to  Peru  on  a  Peruvian  bark,  but  on  an 
English  steamer. 


We  find  the  Bt  Louis,  the  steamer  awaiting  us  at  Panama, 
a  cheerful  and  well-appointed  boat,  and  commanded  by  Capt. 
Hudson. 


3.— MEXICO. 

We  make  Acapulco,  a  Mexican  coast  town  of  some  import- 
ance, in  a  few  days,  and  all  go  ashore. 


The  pretty  peasant  girls  peddle  necklaces  made  of  shells, 
and  oranges,  in  the  streets  of  Acapulco,  on  steamer  days. 
They  are  quite  naive  about  it.  Handing  you  a  necklace,  they 
will  say,  "  Me  give  you  pres-ew^,  Sefior,"  and  then  retire  with 
a  low  curtsey.  Returning,  however,  in  a  few  moments,  they 
say,  quite  sweetly,  "  You  give  me  pres-ew^,  Senor,  of  quarter 
dollar ! "  which  you  at  once  do  unless  you  have  a  heart  of 
stone. 

Acapulco  was  shelled  by  the  French  a  year  or  so  before  our 
arrival  there,  and  they  effected  a  landing.  But  the  gay  and 
gallant  Mexicans  peppered  them  so  persistently  and  effectually 
from  the  mountains  near  by  that  they  concluded  to  sell  out 
and  leave. 

Napoleon  has  no  right  in  Mexico.  Mexico  may  deserve  a 
licking.  That  is  possible  enough.  Most  people  do.  But 
nobody  has  any  right  to  lick  Mexico  except  the  United  States. 
We  have  a  right,  I  flatter  myself,  to  lick  this  entire  continent, 
including  ourselves,  any  time  we  want  to. 


MEXICO,  197 

The  signal  gun  is  fired  at  11,  and  we  go  off  to  the  steamer 
in  small  boats. 

In  our  boat  is  an  inebriated  United  States  official,  who  flings 
his  spectacles  overboard,  and  sings  a  flippant  and  absurd  song 
about  his  grandmother's  spotted  calf,  with  his  ri-fol-lol-tiddery- 
i-do.  After  which  he  crumbles,  in  an  incomprehensible  man- 
ner, into  the  bottom  of  the  boat,  and  howls  dismally. 

We  reach  Manzanillo,  another  coast  place,  twenty-four  hours 
after  leaving  Acapulco.  Manzanillo  is  a  little  Mexican  village, 
and  looked  very  wretched  indeed,  sweltering  away  there  on 
the  hot  sands.  But  it  is  a  port  of  some  importance,  neverthe- 
less, because  a  great  deal  of  merchandise  finds  its  way  to  the 
interior  from  there.  The  white  and  green  flag  of  Mexico  floats 
from  a  red  steam-tug  (the  navy  of  Mexico,  by  the  way,  consists 
of  two  tugs,  a  disabled  raft,  and  a  basswood  life-preserver), 
and  the  Captain  of  the  Port  comes  ofi*  to  us  in  his  small  boat, 
climbs  up  the  side  of  the  St  Louis,  and  folds  the  healthy  form 
of  Captain  Hudson  to  his  breast.  There  is  no  wharf  here,  and 
we  have  to  anchor  off"  the  town. 

There  was  a  wharf,  but  the  enterprising  Mexican  peasantry, 
who  subsist  by  poling  merchandise  ashore  in  dug-outs,  indig- 
nantly tore  it  up.  We  take  on  here  some  young  Mexicans, 
from  Colima,  who  are  going  to  California.  They  are  of  the 
better  class,  and  one  young  man  (who  was  educated  in  Madrid) 
speaks  English  rather  better  than  I  write  it.  Be  careful  not 
to  admire  any  article  of  an  educated  Mexican's  dress,  because 
if  you  do  he  will  take  it  right  off  and  give  it  to  you,  and  some- 
times this  might  be  awkward. 

I  said  !  "  What  a  beautiful  cravat  you  wear  ! " 

"  It  is  yours  !  "  he  exclaimed,  quickly  unbuckling  it ;  and  I 
could  not  induce  him  to  take  it  back  again. 

I  am  glad  I  did  not  tell  his  sister,  who  was  with  him,  and 
with  whom  I  was  lucky  enough  to  get  acquainted,  what  a 
beautiful  white  hand  she  had.  She  might  have  given  it  to  me 
ou  the  spot  j  and  that,  as  she  had  soft  eyes,  a  queenly  form,  - 


198  CALIFORNIA. 

and  a  half  million  or  so  in  her  own  right,  would  have  made 
me  feel  bad. 

Eeports  reached  us  here  of  high-handed  robberies  by  the 
banditti  all  along  the  road  to  the  City  of  Mexico.  They  steal 
clothes  as  well  as  coin.  A  few  days  since  the  mail  coach 
entered  the  city  with  all  the  passengers  stark-naked.  They 
must  have  felt  mortified. 


4.— CALIFORNIA. 

We  reach  San  Francisco  one  Sunday  afternoon.  I  am  driven 
to  the  Occidental  Hotel  by  a  kind-hearted  hackman,  who  statea 
that  inasmuch  as  I  have  come  out  there  to  amuse  people,  he 
will  only  charge  me  five  dollars.  I  pay  it  in  gold,  of  course, 
because  greenbacks  are  not  current  on  the  Pacific  coast. 

Many  of  the  citizens  of  San  Francisco  remember  the 
Sabbath-day  to  keep  it  jolly ;  and  the  theatres,  the  circus,  the 
minstrels,  and  the  music  halls  are  all  in  full  blast  to-night. 

I  "  compromise  "  and  go  to  the  Chinese  theatre,  thinking, 
perhaps,  there  can  be  no  great  harm  in  listening  to  worldly 
sentiments  when  expressed  in  a  language  I  don't  understand. 

The  Chinaman  at  the  door  takes  my  ticket  with  the  remark, 
«  Ki  hi-hi  ki !  Shoolah  I  " 

And  I  Cell  him  that  on  the  whole  I  think  he  is  right. 

The  Chinese  play  is  "continued,"  like  a  Ledger"*  story,  from 
night  to  night.  It  commences  with  the  birth  of  the  hero  or 
heroine,  which  interesting  event  occurs  publicly  on  the  stage ; 
and  then  follows  him  or  her  down  to  the  grave,  where  it  cheer- 
fully ends. 

Sometimes  a  Chinese  play  lasts  six  months.  The  play  I  am 
speaking  of  had  been  going  on  for  about  two  months.  The 
heroine  had  grown  up  into  womanhood,  and  was  on  the  point, 

*  Alluding  to  the  "to  be  continued"  stories  in  the  iVeto  York  WeeUy 
Ledger,  a  paper  of  great  circulation. 


CALIFORNIA,  199 

as  I  inferred,  of  being  married  to  a  young  Chinaman  in  spangled 
pantaloons  and  a  long  black  tail.  The  bride's  father  comes  in 
with  his  arms  full  of  tea  chests,  and  bestows  them,  with  his 
blessing,  upon  the  happy  couple.  As  this  play  is  to  run  four 
months  longer,  however,  and  as  my  time  is  limited,  I  go  away 
at  the  close  of  the  second  act,  while  the  orchestra  is  perform- 
ing an  overture  on  gongs  and  one-stringed  fiddles. 

The  doorkeeper  again  says,  "  Ki  hi-hi  ki !  Shoolah ! "  adding 
this  time,  however,  "  Chow-wow."  I  agree  with  him  in  regard 
to  the  ki  hi  and  hi  ki,  but  tell  him  I  don't  feel  altogether  cer- 
tain about  the  chow- wow. 


To  Stockton  from  San  Francisco. 

Stockton  is  a  beautiful  town,  and  has  ceased  to  think  of  be- 
coming a  very  large  place,  and  has  quietly  settled  down  into  a 
state  of  serene  prosperity.  I  have  my  boots  repaired  here  by 
an  artist  who  informs  me  that  he  studied  in  the  penitentiary; 
and  I  visit  the  lunatic  asylum,  where  I  encounter  a  vivacious 
maniac  who  invites  me  to  ride  in  a  chariot  dra^vn  by  eight 
lions  and  a  rhinoceros. 

John  Phoenix*  was  once  stationed  at  Stockton,  and  put  his 
mother  aboard  the  San  Francisco  boat  one  morning  with  the 
sparkling  remark,  "  Dear  mother,  be  virtuous  and  you  will  be 
happy ! " 

Forward  to  Sacramento — which  is  the  capital  of  the  State, 
and  a  very  nice  old  town. 

They  had  a  flood  here  some  years  ago,  during  which  several 
blocks  of  buildings  sailed  out  of  town  and  have  never  been 
heard  from  since.  A  Chinaman  concluded  to  leave  in  a  wash- 
tub,  and  actually  set  sail  in  one  of  those  fragile  barks.  A 
drowning  man  hailed  him  piteously,  thus  :  "  Throw  me  a  rope, 
oh,  throw  me  a  rope  ! "     To  which  the  Chinaman  excitedly 

*  A  celebrated  humorist,  whose  writings  were  once  very  popular  in  the 
United  States. 


200  CALIFORNIA. 

cried,  *'  No  have  got — how  can  do  ? "  and  went  on,  on  with 
the  howling  current.  He  was  never  seen  more;  but  a  few 
weeks  after  his  tail  was  found  by  some  Sabbath-school  chil- 
dren in  the  north  part  of  the  State. 


I  go  to  the  mountain  towns.  The  sensational  mining  day^j 
are  over,  but  I  find  the  people  jolly  and  hospitable  never- 
theless. 

At  Nevada  I  am  called  upon,  shortly  after  my  arrival,  by 
an  athletic  scarlet-faced  man,  who  politely  says  his  name  is 
Blaze. 

"  I  have  a  little  bill  against  you,  sir,"  he  observes. 

"A  bill— what  for?" 

"  For  drinks." 

"Drinks?" 

"  Yes,  sir — at  my  bar,  I  keep  the  well-known  and  highly 
lespected  coffee-house  down  street." 

"  But,  my  dear  sir,  there  is  a  mistake — I  never  drank  at 
your  bar  in  my  life." 

"  I  know  it,  sir.     That  isn't  the  point.     The  point  is  this 
I  pay  out  money  for  good  liquors,  and  it  is  people's  own  fault 
if  they  don't  drink  them.     There  are  the  liquors — do  as  you 
please  about  drinking  them,  hut  you  must  pay  for  them  !    Isn't 
that  fair?" 

His  enormous  body  (which  Puck  wouldn't  put  a  girdle  round 
for  forty  dollars)  shook  gleefully  while  I  read  this  eminently 
original  bill. 

Years  ago  Mr  Blaze  was  an  agent  of  the  California  Stage 
Company.  There  was  a  formidable  and  well-organised  oppo- 
sition to  the  California  Stage  Company  at  that  time,  and  Mr 
Blaze  rendered  them  such  signal  service  in  his  capacity  of 
agent  that  they  were  very  sorry  when  he  tendered  his  resig- 
oation. 

"You  are  some  sixteen  hundred  dollars  behind  in  your 
accounts,  Mr  Blaze,"  said  the  President,  '*  but  in  view  of  your 


CALIFORNIA.  201 

faithful  and  efficient  services,  we  shall  throw  off  eight  hundred 
dollars  of  that  amount." 

Mr  Blaze  seemed  touched  by  this  generosity.  A  tear  stood 
in  his  eye,  and  his  bosom  throbbed  audibly. 

"  You  will  throw  off  eight  hundred  dollars — you  will  1 "  he 
at  last  cried,  seizing  the  President's  hand,  and  pressing  it 
passionately  to  his  lips. 

"  I  will,"  returned  the  President. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  Mr  Blaze,  "  I  'm  a  gentleman,  I  am,  you 
bet !  And  I  won't  allow  no  Stage  Company  to  surpass  me  in 
politeness.  I'll  throw  off  the  other  eight  hundred  dollars,  and 
we  'U  call  it  square  I  No  gratitude,  sir — no  thanks ;  it  is  ray 
duty." 


I  get  back  to  San  Francisco  in  a  few  weeks,  and  am  to  start 
home  Overland  from  here. 

The  distance  from  Sacramento  to  Atchison,  Kansas,  by  the 
Overland  stage  route,  is  2200  miles,  but  you  can  happily  accom- 
plish a  part  of  the  journey  by  railroad.  The  Pacific  Railroad  is 
completed  twelve  miles  to  Folsom,*  leaving  only  2188  miles  to 
go  by  stage.  This  breaks  the  monotony ;  but  as  it  is  mid- 
winter, and  as  there  are  well  substantiated  reports  of  overland 
passengers  freezing  to  death,  and  of  the  Piute  savages  being 
in  one  of  their  sprightly  moods  when  they  scalp  people,  I  do 
not— I  may  say  that  I  do  not  leave  the  capital  of  California 
in  a  light-hearted  and  joyous  manner.  But  "  leaves  have 
their  time  to  fall,"  and  I  have  my  time  to  leave,  which  is 
now. 

We  ride  all  day  and  all  night,  and  ascend  and  descend  some 
of  the  most  frightful  hills  I  ever  saw.  We  make  Johnson's 
Pass,  which  is  6752  feet  high,  about  two  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing, and  go  down  the  great  Kingsbury  grade  with  locked 
wheels.  The  driver,  with  whom  I  sit  outside,  informs  me,  as 
♦  Artemus  is  in  error.     The  distance  is  M»d  was  twenty-two  milei, 


202  WASHOE, 

we  slowly  roll  down  this  fearful  mountain  road,  which  looks 
down  on  either  side  into  an  appalling  ravine,  that  he  has  met 
accidents  in  his  time,  and  cost  the  California  Stage  Company 
a  great  deal  of  money;  " because,"  he  says,  "juries  is  agin  us 
on  principle,  and  every  man  who  sues  us  is  sure  to  recover. 
But  it  will  never  be  so  agin,  not  with  me,  you  bet." 

''How  is  that?"  I  said. 

It  was  frightfully  dark.  It  was  snowing  withal,  and  not- 
withstanding the  brakes  were  kept  hard  down,  the  coach 
slewed  wildly,  often  fairly  touching  the  brink  of  the  black 
precipice  ? " 

"How  is  that?"  I  said. 

"  Why,  you  see,"  he  replied,  "  that  corpses  never  sue  for 
damages,  but  maimed  people  do.  And  the  next  time  I  have 
an  overturn  I  shall  go  round  and  keerfully  examine  the  pas- 
sengers. Them  as  is  dead,  I  shall  let  alone ;  but  them  as  is 
mutilated  I  shall  finish  with  the  king-bolt !  Dead  folks  doii'fc 
Bue.     They  ain't  on  it." 

Thus  with  anecdote  did  this  driver  cheer  me  up. 


5.— WASHOE. 

We  reach  Carson  City  about  nine  o'clock  in  the  morning.  It 
is  the  capital  of  the  silver-producing  territory  of  Nevada.* 

They  shoot  folks  here  somewhat,  and  the  law  is  rather  par- 
tial than  otherwise  to  first-class  murderers. 

I  visit  the  territorial  prison,  and  the  warder  points  out  the 
prominent  convicts  to  me,  thus  : 

"  This  man's  crime  was  horse-stealing.     He  is  here  for  life. 

"  This  man  is  in  for  murder.     He  is  here  for  three  years." 

But  shooting  isn't  as  popular  in  Nevada  as  it  once  was.     A 

•  Nevada  was  then  a  territory.    It  is  now  a  State  of  the  Union. 


WASHOE,  203 

few  years  since  they  used  to  have  a  dead  man  for  breakfast* 
every  morning.  A  reformed  desperado  told  me  that  he  sup- 
posed he  had  killed  men  enough  to  stock  a  graveyard.  "  A 
feeling  of  remorse,"  he  said,  "  sometimes  comes  over  me  !  But 
I  'm  an  altered  man  now.  I  hain't  killed  a  man  for  over  two 
weeks  !  What  '11  yer  poison  yourself  with  ? "  he  added,  deal- 
ing a  resonant  blow  on  the  bar. 

There  used  to  live  near  Carson  City  a  notorious  desperado, 
who  never  visited  town  without  killing  somebody.  He  would 
call  for  liquor  at  some  drinking- house,  and  if  anybody  de- 
clined joining  him  he  would  at  once  commence  shooting.  But 
one  day  he  shot  a  man  too  many.  Going  into  St  Nicholas 
drinking-house,  he  asked  the  company  present  to  join  him  in 
a  North  American  drink.  One  individual  was  rash  enough  to 
refuse.  With  a  look  of  sorrow  rather  than  of  anger,  the  des- 
perado revealed  his  revolver,  and  said,  "  Good  God  !  Mn^t  I 
kill  a  man  every  time  I  come  to  Carson  1 "  and  so  saying  he 
fired  and  killed  the  individual  on  the  spot.  But  this  was  the 
last  murder  the  bloodthirsty  miscreant  ever  committed,  for  the 
aroused  citizens  pursued  him  with  rifles  and  shot  him  down  in 
his  own  door-yard. 


I  lecture  in  the  theatre  at  Carson,  which  opens  out  of  a 
drinking  and  gambling  house.  On  each  side  of  the  door 
where  my  ticket-taker  stands  there  are  monte- boards  and 
sweat-clothst,  but  they  are  deserted  to-night,  the  gamblers 
being  evidently  of  a  Hterary  turn  of  mind. 


Five  years  ago  there  was  only  a  pony-path  over  the  pre- 
cipitous hills  on  which  now  stands  the  marvellous  city  of 

*  "  Dead  man  for  breakfast " — a  common  phrase  in  California  by  which 
to  designate  a  murdered  man. 
t  Implements  of  gambling  common  enough  in  the  Far  West. 


204  WASHOE, 

Virginia,  with  its  population  of  twelve  thousand  persons,  'and 
perhaps  more  ; — Virginia,  with  its  stately  warehouses  and  gay 
shops,  its  splendid  streets,  paved  with  silver  ore,  its  banking- 
houses  and  faro-banks,  its  attractive  coffee-houses  and  elegant 
theatre,  its  music  halls  and  its  three  daily  newspapers. 

Virginia  is  very  wild,  but  I  believe  it  is  now  pretty  gene- 
rally believed  that  a  mining  city  must  go  through  with  a  certain 
amount  of  unadulterated  cussedness  before  it  can  settle  down 
and  behave  itself  in  a  conservative  and  seemly  manner.  Vir- 
ginia has  grown  up  in  the  heart  of  the  richest  silver  regions  in 
the  world,  the  El  Dorado  of  the  hour ;  and  of  the  immense 
numbers  who  are  swarming  thither  not  more  than  half  carry 
their  mother's  Bible  or  any  settled  religion  with  them.  The 
gambler  and  the  strange  woman  as  naturally  seek  the  new 
sensational  town  as  ducks  take  to  that  element  which  is  so 
useful  for  making  cocktails  and  bathing  one's  feet ;  and  these 
people  make  the  new  town  rather  warm  for  a  while.  But 
by  and  by  the  earnest  and  honest  citizens  get  tired  of  this 
ungodly  nonsense,  and  organise  a  Vigilance  Committee,  which 
hangs  the  more  vicious  of  the  pestiferous  crowd  to  a  sour 
apple-tree;  and  then  come  good  municipal  laws,  ministers, 
meeting-houses,  and  a  tolerably  sober  police  in  blue  coats  with 
brass  buttons.  About  five  thousand  able-bodied  men  are  in 
the  mines  underground  here;  some  as  far  down  as  five  hundred 
feet.  The  Gould  &  Curry  Mine  employs  nine  hundred  men, 
and  annually  turns  out  about  twenty  million  dollars'  worth  of 
"  demnition  gold  and  silver,"  as  Mr  Mantalini  might  express  it 
— though  silver  chiefly. 

There  are  many  other  mines  here  and  at  Gold  Hill  (another 
startling  silver  city,  a  mile  from  here),  all  of  which  do  nearly 
as  well.  The  silver  is  melted  down  into  bricks  of  the  size  of 
common  house  bricks  ;  then  it  is  loaded  into  huge  waggons, 
each  drawn  by  eight  and  twelve  mules,  and  sent  off  to  San  Fran- 
cisco. To  a  young  person  fresh  from  the  land  of  greenbacks 
this  careless  manner  of  carting  off  solid  silver  is  rather  of  j^ 


WASHOE.  205 

startler.*  It  is  related  that  a  young  man  who  came  Overland 
from  New  Hampshire  a  few  months  before  my  arrival,  became 
60  excited  about  it  that  he  fell  in  a  fit,  with  the  name  of  his 
Uncle  Amos  on  his  lips.  The  hardy  miners  supposed  he 
wanted  his  uncle  there  to  see  the  great  sight,  and  faint  with 
him.     But  this  was  pure  conjecture  after  all. 


I  visit  several  of  the  adjacent  mining  towns,  but  I  do  not  go 
to  Aurora.  No,  I  think  not.  A  lecturer  on  psychology  was 
killed  there  the  other  night  by  the  playful  discharge  of  a 
horse-pistol  in  the  hands  of  a  degenerate  and  intoxicated 
Spaniard.  This  circumstance,  and  a  rumour  that  the  citizens 
are  agin  literature,  induce  me  to  go  back  to  Virginia. 

I  had  pointed  out  to  me  at  a  restaurant  a  man  who  had 
killed  four  men  in  street  broils,  and  who  had  that  very  day 
cut  liis  own  brother's  breast  open  in  a  dangerous  manner  with 
a  small  supper  knife.  He  was  a  gentleman,  however.  I  heard 
him  tell  some  men  so.  He  admitted  it  himself.  And  I  don't 
think  he  would  lie  about  a  little  thing  like  that. 

The  theatre  at  Virginia  will  attract  the  attention  of  the 
stranger,  because  it  is  an  unusually  elegant  affair  of  the  kind, 
and  would  be  so  regarded  anywhere.  It  was  built,  of  course, 
by  Mr  Thomas  Maguire,  the  Napoleonic  manager  of  the 
Pacific,  and  who  has  built  over  twenty  theatres  in  his  time, 
and  will  perhaps  build  as  many  more,  unless  somebody  stops 
him — which,  by  the  way,  will  not  be  a  remarkably  easy  thing 
to  do. 

As  soon  as  a  mining  camp  begins  to  assume  the  proportions 
of  a  city,  at  about  the  time  the  whisky-vendor  draws  his 
cork  or  the  gambler  spreads  his  green  cloth,  Maguire  opens  a 
theatre,  and  with  a  hastily  organised  "  Vigilance  Committee" 
of  actors,  commences  to  execute  Shakspeare. 

•  In  San  Francisco  I  was  present  when  Artemus  Ward  enjoyed  the 
frolic  of  actually  dancicg  on  a  floor  paved  four  inches  thicl(  with  bricks  of 
gold. 


2o6  HORACE  GREELEY'S 

6.— MR  PEPPER. 

My  arrival  at  Virginia  City  was  signalised  by  the  following 
incident : — 

I  had  no  sooner  achieved  my  room  in  the  garret  of  the  In* 
ternational  Hotel  than  I  was  called  upon  by  an  intoxicated 
man,  who  said  he  was  an  Editor.  Knowing  how  rare  it  was 
for  an  Editor  to  be  under  the  blighting  influence  of  either 
spirituous  or  malt  liquors,  I  received  this  statement  doubtfully. 
But  I  said : 

"What  name?" 

"  Wait !"  he  said,  and  went  out. 

I  heard  him  pacing  unsteadily  up  and  down  the  hall  outside. 

In  ten  minutes  he  returned,  and  said  : 

"  Pepper  ! " 

Pepper  was  indeed  his  name.  He  had  been  out  to  see  if  he 
could  remember  it ;  and  he  was  so  flushed  with  his  succesg 
that  he  repeated  it  joyously  several  times,  and  then,  with  a 
short  laugh,  he  went  away. 

I  had  often  heard  of  a  man  being  ''  so  drunk  that  he  didn't 
know  what  town  he  lived  in,"  but  here  was  a  man  so  hideously 
inebriated  that  he  didn't  know  what  his  name  was. 

I  saw  him  no  more,  but  I  heard  from  him ;  for  he  pub- 
lished a  notice  of  my  lecture,  in  which  he  said  I  had  a  dissi- 
pated air  I 


7.— HORACE  GREELEY'S  RIDE  TO  PLACERVILLK. 

"When  Mr  Greeley  was  in  California,  ovations  awaited  him  at 
every  town.  He  had  written  powerful  leaders  in  the  Tribune 
in  favour  of  the  Pacific  Railroad,  which  had  greatly  endeared 
him  to  the  citizens  of  the  Golden  State.  And  therefore  they 
made  much  of  him  when  he  went  to  see  them. 

At  one  town  the  enthusiastic  populace  tore  his  celebrated 


RIDE  TO  PLACERVILLE.  207 

white  coat  to  pieces,  and  carried  the  pieces  home  to  remember 
him. 

The  citizens  of  Placerville  prepared  to  fete  the  great  jour- 
nalist, and  an  extra  coach,  with  extra  relays  of  horses,  was 
chartered  of  the  California  Stage  Company  to  carry  him  from 
Folsom  to  Placerville — distance,  forty  miles.  The  extra  was 
in  some  way  delayed,  and  did  not  leave  Folsom  until  late  in 
the  afternoon.  Mr  Greeley  was  to  be  feted  at  seven  o'clock  that 
evening  by  the  citizens  of  Placerville,  and  it  was  altogether 
necessary  that  he  should  be  there  by  that  hour.  So  the  Stage 
Company  said  to  Henry  Monk,  the  driver  of  the  extra,  "  Henry, 
this  great  man  must  be  there  by  seven  to-night."  And  Henry 
answered,  "  The  great  man  shall  be  there." 

The  roads  were  in  an  awful  state,  and  during  the  first  few 
miles  out  of  Folsom  slow  progress  was  made. 

"  Sir,"  said  Mr  Greeley,  "  are  you  aware  that  I  must  be  at 
Placerville  at  seven  o'clock  to-night  ?" 

I  've  got  my  orders  !"  laconically  returned  Henry  Monk. 

Still  the  coach  dragged  slowly  forward. 

"  Sir,"  said  Mr  Greeley,  "  this  is  not  a  trifling  matter.  I 
must  be  there  at  seven  \" 

Again  came  the  answer,  "  I  've  got  my  orders  ! " 

But  the  speed  was  not  increased,  and  Mr  Greeley  chafed 
away  another  half-hour;  when,  as  he  was  again  about  to 
remonstrate  with  the  driver,  the  horses  suddenly  started  into 
a  furious  run,  and  all  sorts  of  encouraging  yells  filled  the  air 
from  the  throat  of  Henry  Monk. 

"  That  is  right,  my  good  fellow  !"  cried  Mr  Greeley.  "  I  '11 
give  you  ten  dollars  when  we  get  to  Placerville.  Now  we  ar^ 
going  !" 

They  were  indeed,  and  at  a  terrible  speed. 

Crack,  crack  !  went  the  whip,  and  again  "  that  voice  "  split 
the  air.     "  Git  up  !     Hi  yi !     G'long!     Yip— yip!" 

And  on  they  tore,  over  stones  and  ruts,  up  hill  and  down,  at 
a  rate  of  speed  never  before  achieved  by  stage  horses. 


2o8  HORACE  GREELEY'S 

Mr  Greeley,  who  had  been  bouncing  from  one  end  of  the 
coach  to  the  other  like  an  india-rubber  ball,  managed  to  get 
his  head  out  of  the  window,  when  he  said  : 

"  Do — on't — on't — on't  you — u — u  think  we — e — e — e  shall 
get  there  by  seven  if  we  do — on't — on't  go  so  fast  ?" 

"I've  got  my  orders!"  That  was  all  Henry  Monk  said. 
And  on  tore  the  coach. 

It  was  becoming  serious.  Already  the  journalist  was  ex- 
tremely sore  from  the  terrible  jolting,  and  again  his  head 
"  might  have  been  seen"  at  the  window. 

"  Sir,"  he  said,  "  I  don't  care — care — air,  if  we  doiCt  get 
there  at  seven  !" 

"I  have  got  my  orders!"  Fresh  horses.  Forward  again, 
faster  than  before.  Over  rocks  and  stumps,  on  one  of  which 
the  coach  narrowly  escaped  turning  a  summerset. 

"  See  here  !"  shrieked  Mr  Greeley,  "  I  don't  care  if  we  don't 
get  there  at  all ! " 

"  I  've  got  my  orders  !  I  work  for  the  Californy  Stage  Com- 
pany, /  da  That 's  wot  I  worh  for.  They  said,  '  Git  this  man 
through  by  seving.'  An'  this  man  's  goin  through.  You  bet  I 
Gerlong !     Whoo-ep  !" 

Another  frightful  jolt,  and  Mr  Greeley's  bald  head  suddenly 
found  its  way  through  the  roof  of  the  coach,  amidst  the  crash 
of  small  timbers  and  the  ripping  of  strong  canvas. 

"  Stop,  you maniac  !"  he  roared. 

Again  answered  Henry  Monk  : 

"  I  've  got  my  orders !     Kee'p  your  seat,  Horace  !" 

At  Mud  Springs,  a  village  a  few  miles  from  Placerville, 
they  met  a  large  delegation  of  the  citizens  of  Placerville,  who 
had  come  out  to  meet  the  celebrated  editor,  and  escort  him 
into  town.  There  were  a  military  company,  a  brass  band,  and 
a  six-horse  waggon-load  of  beautiful  damsels  in  milk-white 
dresses,  representing  all  the  States  in  the  Union.  It  was 
nearly  dark  now,  but  the  delegation  was  amply  provided  with 
torches,  and  bonfires  blazed  all  along  the  road  to  Placerville. 


RIDE  TO  PLACERVILLE.  209 

The  citizens  met  the  coach  in  the  outskirts  of  Mud  Springs, 
and  Mr  Monk  reined  in  his  foam-covered  steeds. 

"  Is  Mr  Greeley  on  board  1 "  asked  the  chairman  of  the 
committee. 

*'  Ee  was  a  few  miles  bach  /"  said  Mr  Monk :  "  yes,"  he 
added,  after  looking  down  through  the  hole  which  the  fearful 
jolting  had  made  in  the  coach-roof — "  yes,  I  can  see  him !  He 
is  there  !" 

"Mr  Greeley,"  said  the  chairman  of  the  committee,  pre- 
senting himself  at  the  window  of  the  coach,  "  Mr  Greeley, 

sir !    We  are  come  to  most  cordially  welcome  you,  sir why, 

God  bless  me,  sir,  you  are  bleeding  at  the  nose !" 

"  I  've  got  my  orders  ! "  cried  Mr  Monk.  "  My  orders  is  as 
follers  :  Git  him  there  by  seving  !  It  wants  a  quarter  to  sev- 
ing.     Stand  out  of  the  way  ! " 

"  But,  sir,"  exclaimed  the  committee-man,  seizing  the  off 
leader  by  the  reins — "  Mr  Monk,  we  are  come  to  escort  him 
into  town  !  Look  at  the  procession,  sir,  and  the  brass  band, 
and  the  people,  and  the  young  women,  sir  ! " 

"  Pve  got  my  orders  1 "  screamed  Mr  Monk.  "  My  orders 
don't  say  nothin'  about  no  brass  bands  and  young  women. 
My  orders  says,  *  Git  him  there  by  seving ! '  Let  go  them 
lines  !  Clear  the  way  there  !  Whoo-ep  !  Keep  your  seat, 
Horace  ! "  and  the  coach  dashed  wildly  through  the  proces- 
sion, upsetting  a  portion  of  the  brass  band,  and  violently 
grazing  the  waggon  which  contained  the  beautiful  young 
women  in  white. 

Years  hence  gray-haired  men,  who  were  little  boys  in  this 
procession,  will  tell  their  grandchildren  how  this  stage  tore 
through  Mud  Springs,  and  how  Horace  Greeley's  bald  head 
ever  and  anon  showed  itself,  like  a  wild  apparition,  above  the 
coach-roof. 

Mr  Monk  was  in  time.  There  is  a  tradition  that  Mr 
Greeley  was  very  indignant  for  a  while  ;  then  he  laughed,  and 
finally  presented  Mr  Monk  with  a  bran-new  suit  of  clothes. 

o 


210  TO  REESE  RIVER. 

Mr  Monk  himself  is  still  in  the  employ  of  the  California 
Stage  Company,  and  is  rather  fond  of  relating  a  story  that  has 
made  him  famous  all  over  the  Pacific  coast.  But  he  says  he 
yields  to  no  man  in  his  admiration  for  Horace  Greeley. 


8.— TO  REESE  RIVER. 

I  LEAVE  Virginia  for  Great  Salt  Lake  City,  md,  the  Eeese 
River  Silver  Diggings. 

There  are  eight  passengers  of  us  inside  the  coach — which, 
by  the  way,  isn't  a  coach,  but  a  Concord  covered  mud  waggon. 

Among  the  passengers  is  a  genial  man  of  the  name  of  Ryder, 
who  has  achieved  a  wide-spread  reputation  as  a  strangler  of 
unpleasant  bears  in  the  mountain  fastnesses  of  California,  and 
who  is  now  an  eminent  Reese  River  miner. 

We  ride  night  and  day,  passing  through  the  land  of  the 
Piute  Indians.  Reports  reach  us  that  fifteen  hundred  of  these 
savages  are  on  the  rampage,  under  the  command  of  a  red 
usurper  named  Buffalo- Jim,  who  seems  to  be  a  sort  of  Jeff 
Davis,  inasmuch  as  he  and  his  followers  have  seceded  from  the 
regular  Piute  organisation.  The  seceding  savages  have  an- 
nounced that  they  shall  kill  and  scalp  all  pale- faces  (which 
makes  our  faces  pale,  I  reckon)  found  loose  in  that  section. 
We  find  the  guard  doubled  at  all  the  stations  where  we  change 
horses,  and  our  passengers  nervously  examine  their  pistols  and 
re-adjust  the  long  glittering  knives  in  their  belts.  I  feel  in  my 
pockets  to  see  if  the  key  which  unlocks  the  carpet-bag  con- 
taining my  revolvers  is  ail  right — for  I  had  rather  brilliantly 
locked  my  deadly  weapons  up  in  that  article,  which  was 
strapped  with  the  other  baggage  to  the  rack  behind.  The 
passengers  frown  on  me  for  this  carelessness,  but  the  kind- 
hearted  Ryder  gives  me  a  small  double-barrelled  gun,  with 
which  I  narrowly  escape  murdering  my  beloved  friend  Hing- 


TO  REESE  RIVER,  211 

ston  in  cold  blood.  I  am  not  used  to  guns  and  things,  wid  in 
changing  the  position  of  this  weapon  I  pulled  the  trigger 
rather  harder  than  was  necessary. 


When  this  wicked  rebellion  first  broke  out  I  was  among  the 
first  to  stay  at  home — chiefly  because  of  my  utter  ignorance  of 
firearms.  I  should  be  valuable  to  the  army  as  a  Brigadier- 
General  only  so  far  as  the  moral  influence  of  my  name  went. 


However,  we  pass  safely  through  the  land  of  the  Piutes, 
unmolested  by  Buff'alo  James.  This  celebrated  savage  can 
read  and  write,  and  is  quite  an  orator,  like  Metamora,  or  the 
last  of  the  Wampanoags.  He  went  on  to  Washington  a  few 
years  3  go  and  called  Mr  Buchanan  his  Great  Father,  and  the 
members  of  the  Cabinet  his  dear  Brothers.  They  gave  him  a 
great  many  blankets,  and  he  returned  to  his  beautiful  hunting 
grounds  and  went  to  killing  stage-drivers.  He  made  such  a 
fine  impression  upon  Mr  Buchanan  during  his  sojourn  in 
Washington  that  that  statesman  gave  a  young  English  tourist, 
who  crossed  the  plains  a  few  years  since,  a  letter  of  introduc- 
tion to  him.  The  great  Indian  chief  read  the  English  person's 
letter  with  considerable  emotion,  and  then  ordered  him  to  be 
scalped,  and  stole  his  trunks. 

Mr  Eyder  knows  me  only  as  "  Mr  Brown,"  and  he  refreshes 
me  during  the  journey  by  quotations  from  my  books  and 
lectures. 

"  Never  seen  Ward  1 "  he  said. 

"  Oh  no." 

"  Ward  says  he  likes  little  girls,  but  he  likes  large    girls 

Just  as  well.     Haw,  haw,  haw  1    I  should  like  to  see  the  d 

fool!" 

He  referred  to  me. 

He  even  woke  me  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night  to  tell  me 
one  of  Ward's  jokes. 


2ia  TO  REESE  RIVER. 

I  lecture  at  Big  Creek. 

Big  Creek  is  a  straggling,  wild  little  village ;  and  the  house 
in  which  I  had  the  honour  of  speaking  a  piece  had  no  other 
floor  than  the  bare  earth.  The  roof  was  of  sage-brush.  At 
one  end  of  the  building  a  huge  wood  fire  blazed,  which,  with 
half-a-dozen  tallow-candles,  afforded  all  the  illumination  de- 
sired. The  lecturer  spoke  from  behind  the  drinking  bar. 
Behind  him  long  rows  of  decanters  glistened  \  above  him  hung 
pictures  of  race-horses  and  prize-fighters ;  and  beside  him,  in 
his  shirt-sleeves  and  wearing  a  cheerful  smile,  stood  the  bar- 
keeper. My  speeches  at  the  bar  before  this  had  been  of  an 
elegant  character,  perhaps,  but  quite  brief.  They  never  ex- 
tended beyond  "  I  don't  care  if  I  do,"  "  No  sugar  in  mine," 
and  short  gems  of  a  like  character. 

I  had  a  good  audience  at  Big  Creek,  who  seemed  to  be 
pleased,  the  bar-keeper  especially ;  for  at  the  close  of  any 
"  point "  that  I  sought  to  make,  he  would  deal  the  counter 
a  vigorous  blow  with  his  fist,  and  exclaim,  "  Good  boy 
from  the  New  England  States  !  listen  to  William  W. 
Shakspeare !  "  * 

Back  to  Austin.  We  lose  our  way,  and  hitching  our  horses 
to  a  tree,  go  in  search  of  some  human  beings.  The  night  is 
very  dark.  We  soon  stumble  upon  a  camp-fire,  and  an  un- 
pleasantly modulated  voice  asks  us  to  say  our  prayers,  adding 
that  we  are  on  the  point  of  going  to  Glory  with  our  boots  on. 
I  think  perhaps  there  may  be  some  truth  in  this,  as  the  mouth 
of  a  horse-pistol  almost  grazes  my  forehead,  while  immediately 
behind  the  butt  of  that  death-dealing  weapon  I  perceive  a 
large  man  with  black  whiskers.  Other  large  men  begin  to 
assemble,  also  with  horse  pistols.  Dr  Hingstont  hastily  ex- 
plains, while  I  go  back  to  the  carriage  to  say  my  prayers, 
where  there  is  more  room.     The  men  were  miners  on  a  pro- 

*  This  account  of  the  Big  Creek  lecture  is  literally  true. 
+  In  California  everybody  is  a  colonel,  a  captain,  a  judge,  or  a  doctor. 
Artemus  pleasantly  chose  the  last  for  me. 


GREA T  SALT  LAKE  CITY.  2 1 3 

specting  tour,  and  as  we  advanced  upon  them  without  sending 
them  word,  they  took  us  for  highway  robbers. 

1  must  not  forget  to  say  that  my  brave  and  kind-hearted 
friend  Ryder  of  the  mail  coach,  who  had  so  often  alluded  to 
*'  Ward  "  in  our  ride  from  Virginia  to  Austin,  was  among  my 
hearers  at  Big  Creek.  He  had  discovered  who  I  was,  and  in- 
formed me  that  he  had  debated  whether  to  wollop  me  or  give 
me  some  rich  silver  claims. 


9.— GREAT  SALT  LAKE  CITY. 

How  was  I  to  be  greeted  by  the  Mormons  ?  That  was  rather 
an  exciting  question  with  me.  I  had  been  told  on  the  plains 
that  a  certain  humorous  sketch  of  mine  (written  some  years 
before)  had  greatly  incensed  the  Saints,  and  a  copy  of  the 
Sacramento  Union  newspaper  had  a  few  days  before  fallen 
into  my  hands,  in  which  a  Salt  Lake  correspondent  quite 
clearly  intimated  that  my  reception  at  the  New  Zion  might  be 
unpleasantly  warm.  I  ate  my  dinner  moodily,  and  sent  out 
for  some  cigars.  The  venerable  clerk  brought  me  six.  They 
cost  only  two  dollars.  They  were  procured  at  a  store  near  by. 
The  Salt  Lake  House  sells  neither  cigars  nor  liquors. 

I  smoke  in  my  room,  having  no  heart  to  mingle  with  the 
people  in  the  office. 

Di"  Kingston  "  thanks  God  he  never  wrote  against  the 
Mormons,"  and  goes  out  in  search  of  a  brother  Englishman. 
Comes  back  at  night,  and  says  there  is  a  prejudice  against  me. 
Advises  me  to  keep  in.  Has  heard  that  the  Mormons  thirst 
for  my  blood,  and  are  on  the  look-out  for  me. 

Under  these  circumstances  I  keep  in. 

The  next  day  is  Sunday,  and  we  go  to  the  Tabernacle  in  the 

morning.     The  Tabernacle  is  located  on Street,  and  is  a 

long  rakish  building  of  adobe,*  capable  of  seating  some  twenty- 
*  Adobe — ».«.,  sun-dried  brick. 


2T4  GREA  T  SALT  LAKE  CTTY, 

five  hundred  persons.  There  is  a  wide  platform  and  a  rathe? 
large  pulpit  at  one  end  of  the  building,  and  at  the  other  end 
is  another  platform  for  the  choir.  A  young  Irishman  of  the 
name  of  Sloan  preaches  a  sensible  sort  of  discourse,  to  which 
a  Presbyterian  could  hardly  have  objected.  Last  night  this 
same  Mr  Sloan  enacted  a  character  in  a  rollicking  Irish  farce 
at  the  theatre  !  And  he  played  it  well,  I  was  told :  not  so 
well,  of  course,  as  the  great  Dan  Bryant  could ;  but  I  fancy 
he  was  more  at  home  in  the  Mormon  pulpit  than  Daniel  would 
have  been. 

The  Mormons,  by  the  way,  are  pre-eminently  an  amusement- 
loving  people,  and  the  Elders  pray  for  the  success  of  their 
theatre  with  as  much  earnestness  as  they  pray  for  anything 
else.  The  congregation  doesn't  startle  us.  It  is  known  I 
fancy,  that  the  heads  of  the  Church  are  to  be  absent  to-day, 
and  the  attendance  is  slim.  There  are  no  ravishingly  beautiful 
women  present,  and  no  positively  ugly  ones.  The  men  are  fair 
to  middling.  They  will  never  be  slain  in  cold  blood  for  their 
beauty,  nor  shut  up  in  jail  for  their  homeliness. 

There  are  some  good  voices  in  the  choir  to-day,  but  the 
orchestral  accompaniment  is  unusually  slight.  Sometimes 
jhey  introduce  a  full  brass  and  string  band  in  church.  Brig- 
ham  Young  says  the  devil  has  monopolised  the  good  music 
long  enough,  and  it  is  high  time  the  Lord  had  a  portion  of  it. 
Therefore  trombones  are  tooted  on  Sundays  in  Utah  as  well 
as  on  other  days ;  and  there  are  some  splendid  musicians  there. 
The  orchestra  in  Brigham  Young's  theatre  is  quite  equal  to 
any  in  Broadway.  There  is  a  youth  in  Salt  Lake  City  (I  forget 
his  name)  who  plays  the  cornet  like  a  North  American  angel. 

Mr  Stenhouse  relieves  me  of  any  anxiety  I  had  felt  in  regard 
to  having  my  swan-like  throat  cut  by  the  Danites,  but  thinks 
my  wholesale  denunciation  of  a  people  I  had  never  seen  was 
rather  hasty.  The  following  is  the  paragraph  to  which  the 
Saints  objected.  In  occurs  in  an  "  Artemus  Ward"  paper  on 
Brigham  Young,  written  some  years  ago  : — 


THE  MO  UN  TAIN  FE  VER,  l  \  5 

"  7  girded  up  luy  Lions  and  fled  the  Seen.  I  packt  up  my 
duds  and  left  Salt  Lake,  which  is  a  2nd  Soddum  and  Ger- 
morer,  inhabited  by  as  theavin  k  onprincipled  a  set  of  retchis 
as  ever  drew  Breth  in  eny  spot  on  the  Globe." 

I  had  forgotten  all  about  this,  and  as  Elder  Stenhouse  read 
it  to  me  "  my  feelings  may  be  better  imagined  than  described," 
to  use  language  I  think  I  have  heard  before.  I  pleaded,  how- 
ever, that  it  was  a  purely  burlesque  sketch,  and  that  this  strong 
paragraph  should  not  be  interpreted  literally  at  all.  The  Elder 
didn't  seem  to  see  it  in  that  light,  but  we  parted  pleasantly. 


10.— THE  MOUNTAIN  FEVER. 

I  GO  back  to  my  hotel  and  go  to  bed,  and  I  do  not  get  up  again 
for  two  weary  weeks.  I  have  the  mountain  fever  (so  called  in 
Utah,  though  it  closely  resembles  the  old-style  typhus),  and 
my  case  is  pronounced  dangerous.  I  don't  regard  it  so.  I 
don't,  in  fact,  regard  anything.  I  am  all  right,  myself.  My 
poor  Kingston  shakes  his  head  sadly,  and  Dr  Williamson,  from 
Camp  Douglas,  pours  all  kinds  of  bitter  stuff  down  my  throat. 
I  drink  his  health  in  a  dose  of  the  cheerful  beverage  known  as 
jalap,  and  thresh  the  sheets  with  my  hot  hands.  I  address 
large  assemblages,  who  have  somehow  got  into  my  room,  and 
I  charge  Dr  Williamson  with  the  murder  of  Luce,  and  Mr 
Irwin,  the  actor,  with  the  murder  of  Shakspeare.  I  have  a 
lucid  spell  now  and  then,  in  one  of  which  James  Townsend, 
the  landlord,  enters.  He  whispers,  but  I  hear  what  he  says 
far  too  distinctly  :  "  This  man  can  have  anything  and  every- 
thing he  wants ;  but  I  'm  no  hand  for  a  sick  room.  /  nevet 
could  see  anybody  die." 

That  was  cheering,  I  thought.  The  noble  Californian, 
Jerome  Davis — he  of  the  celebrated  ranch — sticks  by  me  like 
a  twin  brother,  although  I  fear  that  in  my  hot  frenzy  I  more 
than  once  anathematised  his  kindly  eyes.  Nurses  and  watchers, 
Gentile  and  Mormon,  volunteer  their  services  in  hoops,  and 


2i6  THE  MOUNTAIN  FEVER, 

rare  wines  are  sent  to  me  from  all  over  the  city,  which,  if  1 
can't  drink,  the  venerable  and  excellent  Thomas  can,  easy. 

1  lay  there  in  this  wild,  broiling  way  for  nearly  two  weeks, 
when  one  morning  I  woke  up  with  my  head  clear  and  an 
immense  plaster  on  my  stomach.  The  plaster  had  operated. 
I  was  so  raw  that  I  could  by  no  means  say  to  Dr  Williamson, 
"  Well  done,  thou  good  and  faithful  servant."  I  wished  he  had 
lathered  me  before  he  plastered  me.  I  was  fearfully  weak.  I 
was  frightfully  thin.  With  either  one  of  my  legs  you  could 
have  cleaned  the  stem  of  a  meerschaum  pipe.  My  backbone 
had  the  appearance  of  a  clothes-line  with  a  quantity  of  English 
walnuts  strung  upon  it.  My  face  was  almost  gone.  My  nose 
was  so  sharp  that  I  didn't  dare  stick  it  into  other  people's 
business  for  fear  it  would  stay  there.  But  by  borrowing  my 
agent's  overcoat  I  succeeded  in  producing  a  shadow. 


1  have  been  looking  at  Zion  all  day,  and  my  feet  are  sore 
and  my  legs  are  weary.  I  go  back  to  the  Salt  Lake  House 
and  have  a  talk  with  landlord  Townsend  about  the  State  of 
Maine.  He  came  from  that  bleak  region,  having  skinned  his 
infantile  eyes  in  York  County.  He  was  at  Nauvoo,  and  was 
forced  to  sell  out  his  entire  property  there  for  50  dollars.  He 
has  thrived  in  Utah,  however,  and  is  much  thought  of  by  the 
Church.  He  is  an  Elder,  and  preaches  occasionally.  He 
has  only  two  wives.  I  hear  lately  that  he  has  sold  his 
property  for  25,000  dollars  to  Brigham  Young,  and  gone 
to  England  to  make  converts.  How  impressive  he  may  be 
as  an  expounder  of  the  Mormon  gospel,  I  don't  know.  His 
beef-steaks  and  chicken-pies,  however,  were  first-rate.  James 
and  I  talk  about  Maine,  and  cordially  agree  that  so  far  as  pine 
boards  and  horse-mackerel  are  concerned  it  is  equalled  by  few 
and  excelled  by  none.  There  is  no  place  like  home,  as  Clara, 
the  Maid  of  Milan,  very  justly  observes ;  and  while  J.  Town- 
send  would  be  unhappy  in  Maine,  his  heart  evidently  beatfa 
back  there  now  and  then. 


*'!  AM  HEREP  217 

I  heard  the  love  of  home  oddly  illustrated  in  Oregon,  one 
night  in  a  country  bar-room.  Some  well- dressed  men,  in  a 
state  of  strong  drink,  were  boasting  of  their  respective  places 
of  nativity. 

"I,"  said  one,  "was  bom  in  Mississippi,  where  the  sun 
ever  shines  and  the  magnolias  bloom  all  the  happy  year 
round." 

"And  I,"  said  another,  "was  bom  in  Kentucky — Kentucky, 
the  home  of  impassioned  oratory  :  the  home  of  Clay :  the 
State  of  splendid  women,  of  gallant  men  ! " 

"  And  I,"  said  another,  "  was  born  in  Virginia,  the  home  of 
Washington  :  the  birthplace  of  statesmen  ;  the  State  of  chival- 
ric  deeds  and  noble  hospitality !  " 

"And  I,"  said  a  yellow-haired  and  sallow-faced  man,  who 
was  not  of  this  party  at  all,  and  who  had  been  quietly  smok- 
ing a  short  black  pipe  by  the  fire  during  their  magnificent  con- 
versation— "  and  I  was  bom  in  the  garden  spot  of  America." 

"  Where  is  that  %  "  they  said. 

"  Skeouhegaiiy  Maine  !  "  he  replied ;  "  kin  I  sell  you  a  razor- 
strop?" 


II.—"  I  AM  HERE." 

There  is  no  mistake  about  that,  and  there  is  a  good  prospect 
of  my  staying  here  for  some  time  to  come.  The  snow  is  deep 
on  the  ground,  and  more  is  falling. 

The  doctor  looks  glum,  and  speaks  of  his  ill-starred  country- 
man Sir  J.  Franklin,  who  went  to  the  Arctic  once  too  much. 

"  A  good  thing  happened  down  here  the  other  day,"  said  a 
miner  from  New  Hampshire  to  me.  "  A  man  of  Boston 
dressin'  went  through  there,  and  at  one  of  the  stations  there 
wasn't  any  mules.  Says  the  man  who  was  fixed  out  to  kill  in 
his  Boston  dressin',  *  Where  's  them  mules? '  Says  the  driver, 
*Them  mules  is  into  the  sage-brash.     You  go  catch  'em — 


2i8  «  /  AM  HERE/' 

that 's  wot  you  do.'  Says  the  man  of  Boston  dressin*,  *  Oh 
no  I '  Says  the  driver,  '  Oh  yes  ! '  and  he  took  his  long  coach 
whip  and  licked  the  man  of  Boston  dressin'  till  he  went  and 
caught  them  mules.     How  does  that  strike  you  as  a  joke? " 

It  didn't  strike  me  as  much  of  a  joke  to  pay  a  hundred  and 
seventy-five  dollars  in  gold  fare,  and  then  be  horse-whipped  by 
stage-drivers,  for  declining  to  chase  mules.  But  people's  ideas 
of  humour  differ,  just  as  people's  ideas  differ  in  regard  to 
shrewdness — which  "  reminds  me  of  a  little  story."  Sitting 
in  a  New  England  country  store  one  day,  I  overheard  the 
following  dialogue  between  two  brothers  : — 

"Say,  Bill,  wot  you  done  with  that  air  sorrel  mare  of 
yourn  ? " 

"  Sold  her,"  said  William,  with  a  smile  of  satisfaction. 

"  Wot 'd  you  git?" 

"  Hund'd  an'  fifty  dollars,  cash  deown  !  " 

"  Show  !  Hund'd  an'  fifty  for  that  kickin'  spavin'd  critter  ! 
Who  'd  you  sell  her  to  1  " 

''  Sold  her  to  mother  !  " 

"  Wot !  "  exclaimed  brother  No.  1,  "  did  you  railly  sell  that 
kickin'  spavin'd  critter  to  mother  1  Wall,  you  air  a  shrewd 
one  ! " 

A  sensation  arrival  by  the  Overland  stage  of  two  Missouri 
girls,  who  had  come  unescorted  all  the  way  through.  They 
are  going  to  Nevada  territory  to  join  their  father.  They  are 
pretty,  but,  merciful  heavens !  how  they  throw  the  meat  and 
potatoes  down  their  throats  !  "  This  is  the  first  squar  meal 
we've  had  since  we  left  Eocky  Thompson's,"  said  the  eldest. 
Then,  addressing  herself  to  me,  she  said  : 

"  Air  you  the  literary  man  ?  " 

I  politely  replied  that  I  was  one  of  "  them  fellers." 

"  Wall,  don't  make  fun  of  our  clothes  in  the  papers.  We 
air  goin'  right  straight  through  in  these  here  clothes,  we  air  I 
We  ain't  goin  to  rag  out  till  we  git  to  Nevady !  Pass  them 
sassiges  ! " 


BRIGHAM  YOUNG,  I19 

12.— BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

Brigham  Young  sends  word  I  may  see  him  to-morrow.     So 
I  go  to  bed  singing  the  popular  Mormon  hyrrni : — 

"  Let  the  chorus  still  be  sung, 
Long  live  Brother  Brigham  Young, 

And  blessed  be  the  vale  of  Deseret — r^t — r^t  I 
And  blessed  be  the  vale  of  Deserdt." 

At  two  o'clock  the  next  afternoon  Mr  Hiram  B.  Clawson, 
Brigham  Young's  son-in-law  and  chief  business  manager,  calls 
for  me  with  the  Prophet's  private  sleigh,  and  we  start  for  that 
distinguished  person's  block. 

I  am  shown  into  the  Prophet's  chief  office.  He  comes  for- 
ward, greets  me  cordially,  and  introduces  me  to  several  in- 
fluential Mormons  who  are  present. 

Brigham  Young  is  sixty-two  years  old,  of  medium  height, 
and  with  sandy  hair  and  whiskers.  An  active,  iron  man,  with 
a  clear  sharp  eye.  A  man  of  consummate  shrewdness — of 
great  executive  ability.  He  was  born  in  the  State  of  Vermont, 
and  so  by  the  way  was  Heber  C.  Kimball,  who  will  wear  the 
Mormon  belt  when  Brigham  leaves  the  ring. 

Brigham  Young  is  a  man  of  great  natural  ability.  K  you 
ask  me,  How  pious  is  he  ?  I  treat  it  as  a  conundrum,  and 
give  it  up.  Personally  he  treated  me  with  marked  kindness 
throughout  my  sojourn  in  Utah. 

His  power  in  Utah  is  quite  as  absolute  as  that  of  any  living 
sovereign,  yet  he  uses  it  with  such  consummate  shrewdness 
that  his  people  are  passionately  devoted  to  him. 

He  was  an  Elder  at  the  first  formal  Mormon  "  stake  "  in 
this  country,  at  Kirtland,  Ohio,  and  went  to  Nauvoo  with 
Joseph  Smith.  That  distinguished  Mormon  handed  his 
mantle  and  the  prophet  business  over  to  Brigham  when  he 
died  at  Nauvoo. 

Smith  did  a  more  flourishing  business  in  the  prophet  line 
than  B.  Y.  does.      Smith  used  to  have  his  little  revelation 


220  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

almost  every  day — sometimes  two  before  dinner.  B.  Y.  only 
takes  one  once  in  a  while. 

The  gateway  of  his  block  is  surmounted  by  a  brass  American 
eagle,  and  they  say  ("  they  say "  here  means  anti-Mormons) 
that  he  receives  his  spiritual  despatches  through  this  piece  of 
patriotic  poultry.  They  also  say  that  he  receives  revelations 
from  a  stuffed  white  calf  that  is  trimmed  with  red  ribbons  and 
kept  in  an  iron  box.  I  don't  suppose  these  things  are  true. 
Eumour  says  that  when  the  Lion  House  was  ready  to  be 
shingled,  Brigham  received  a  message  from  the  Lord  stating 
that  the  carpenters  must  all  take  hold  and  shingle  it  and  not 
charge  a  red  cent  for  their  services.  Such  carpenters  as  re- 
fused to  shingle  would  go  to  hell,  and  no  postponement  on 
account  of  the  weather.  They  say  that  Brigham,  whenever  a 
train  of  emigrants  arrives  in  Salt  Lake  City,  orders  all  the 
women  to  march  up  and  down  before  his  block,  while  he  stands 
on  the  portico  of  the  Lion  House  and  gobbles  up  the  prettiest 
ones. 

He  is  an  immensely  wealthy  man.  His  wealth  is  variously 
estimated  at  from  ten  to  twenty  millions  of  dollars.  He  owns 
sawmills,  gristmills,  woollen  factories,  brass  and  iron  foundries, 
farms,  brickyards,  &c.,  and  superintends  them  all  in  person. 
A  man  in  Utah  individually  owns  what  he  grows  and  makes, 
with  the  exception  of  a  one-tenth  part :  that  must  go  to  the 
Church ;  and  Brigham  Young,  as  the  first  President,  is  the 
Church's  treasurer.  Gentiles,  of  course,  say  that  he  abuses 
this  blind  confidence  of  his  people,  and  speculates  with  their 
money,  and  absorbs  the  interest  if  he  doesn't  the  principal. 
The  Mormons  deny  this,  and  say  that  whatever  of  their  money 
he  does  use  is  for  the  good  of  the  Church ;  that  he  defrays  the 
expenses  of  emigrants  from  far  over  the  seas  j  that  he  is  fore- 
most in  all  local  enterprises  tending  to  develop  the  resources 
of  the  territory,  and  that,  in  short,  he  is  incapable  of  wrong 
in  any  shape. 

Nobody  seems  to  know  how  many  wives  Brigham  Young 


BRIGHAM  YOUNG.  221 

has.  Some  set  the  number  as  high  as  eighty,  in  which  case 
his  children  must  be  too  numerous  to  mention.  Each  wife 
has  a  room  to  herself.  These  rooms  are  large  and  airy,  and  I 
suppose  they  are  supplied  with  all  the  modern  improvements. 
But  never  having  been  invited  to  visit  them,  I  can't  speak  very 
definitely  about  this.  When  I  left  the  Prophet  he  shook  me 
cordially  by  the  hand,  and  invited  me  to  call  again.  This  was 
flattering,  because  if  he  dislikes  a  man  at  the  first  interview  he 
never  sees  him  again.  He  made  no  allusion  to  the  "  letter"  I 
had  written  about  his  community.  Outside  guards  were  pacing 
up  and  down  before  the  gateway,  but  they  smiled  upon  me 
sweetly.  The  verandah  was  crowded  with  Gentile  miners, 
who  seemed  to  be  surprised  that  I  didn't  return  in  a  wooden 
overcoat,  with  my  throat  neatly  laid  open  from  ear  to  ear. 


I  go  to  the  theatre  to-night.  The  play  is  Othello.  This  is 
a  really  fine  play,  and  was  a  favourite  of  Gr.  "Washington,  the 
father  of  his  country.  On  this  stage,  as  upon  all  other  stages, 
the  good  old  conventionalities  are  strictly  adhered  to.  The 
actors  cross  each  other  at  oblique  angles  from  L.  U.  E.  to 
R.  I.  E.  on  the  slightest  provocation.  Othello  howls,  lago 
scowls,  and  the  boys  all  laugh  when  Roderigo  dies.  I  stay  to 
see  charming  Mrs  Irwin  (Desdemona)  die,  which  she  does 
very  sweetly. 

I  was  an  actor  once  myself.  I  supported  Edwin  Forrest  at 
a  theatre  in  Philadelphia.  I  played  a  pantomimic  part.  I 
removed  the  chairs  between  scenes,  and  I  did  it  so  neatly 
that  Mr  F.  said  I  would  make  a  cabinetmaker  if  I  "applied" 
myself. 

The  parquette  of  the  theatre  is  occupied  exclusively  by  the 
Mormons  and  their  wives  and  children.  They  wouldn't  let  a 
Gentile  in  there  any  more  than  they  would  a  serpent.  In  the 
side  seats  are  those  of  President  Young's  wives  who  go  to  the 


222  BRIGHAM  YOUNG. 

play,  and  a  large  and  varied  assortment  of  children.  It  is  an 
odd  sight  to  see  a  jovial  old  Mormon  file  down  the  parquette 
aisle  with  ten  or  twenty  robust  wives  at  his  heels.  Yet  this 
spectacle  may  he  witnessed  every  night  the  theatre  is  opened. 
The  dress  circle  is  chiefly  occupied  by  the  ofiicers  from  Camp 
Douglas  *  and  the  Gentile  merchants.  The  upper  circles  are 
filled  by  the  private  soldiers  and  Mormon  boys.  I  feel  bound 
to  say  that  a  Mormon  audience  is  quite  as  appreciative  as  any 
other  kind  of  an  audience.  They  prefer  comedy  to  tragedy. 
Sentimental  plays,  for  obvious  reasons,  are  unpopular  with 
them.  It  will  be  remembered  that  when  C.  Melnotte,  in  the 
*'  Lady  of  Lyons,"  comes  home  from  the  wars,  he  folds  Pauline 
to  his  heaving  heart  and  makes  several  remarks  of  an  impas- 
sioned and  slobbering  character.  One  night  when  the  "  Lady  of 
Lyons  "  was  produced  here,  an  aged  Mormon  arose  and  went 
out  with  his  twenty-four  wives,  angrily  stating  that  he  wouldn't 
sit  and  see  a  play  where  a  man  made  such  a  cussed  fuss  over  one 
woman.  The  prices  of  the  theatre  are  : — Parquette,  75  cents  , 
dress  circle,  1  dol. ;  first  upper  circle,  50  cents ;  second  and 
third  upper  circles,  25  cents.  In  an  audience  of  two  thousand 
persons  (and  there  are  almost  always  that  number  present) 
probably  a  thousand  will  pay  in  cash,  and  the  other  thousand 
in  grain  and  a  variety  of  articles ;  all  which  will  command 
money  however. 

Brigham  Young  usually  sits  in  the  middle  of  the  parquette, 
in  a  rocking-chair,  and  with  his  hat  on.  He  does  not  escort 
his  wives  to  the  theatre  :  they  go  alone.  When  the  play 
drags  he  either  falls  into  a  tranquil  sleep  or  walks  out.  He 
wears  in  winter- time  a  green  wrapper,  and  his  hat  is  the  style 
introduced  into  this  country  by  Louis  Kossuth,  Esq.,  the 
liberator  of  Hungaria.  (I  invested  a  dollar  in  the  liberty  of 
Hungaria  nearly  fifteen  years  ago.) 

•  The  United  States  military  encampment  adjoining  Salt  Lake  City. 


A  PIECE  IS  SPOKEN.  223 

13.— A  PIECE  IS  SPOKEN 

A  Piece  hath  its  victories  no  less  than  war. 

"  Blessed  are  the  Piece-makers."    That  is  Scripture. 

The  night  of  the  "  comic  oration  "  is  come,  and  the  speaker 
is  arranging  his  back  hair  in  the  star  dressing-room  of  the 
theatre.  The  orchestra  is  playing  selections  from  the  Gentile 
opera  of  "  Un  Ballo  in  Maschera," '  and  the  house  is  full.  Mi 
John  F.  Caine,  the  excellent  stage  manager,  has  given  me  an 
elegant  drawing-room  scene  in  which  to  speak  my  little  piece. 

[In  Iowa,  I  once  lectured  in  a  theatre,  and  the  heartless 
manager  gave  me  a  dungeon  scene.] 

The  curtain  goes  up,  and  I  stand  before  a  Salt  Lake  of  up- 
turned faces. 

1  can  only  say  that  I  was  never  listened  to  more  attentively 
and  kindly  in  my  life  than  I  was  by  this  audience  of  Mormons. 

Among  my  receipts  at  the  box-office  this  night  were — 

20  bushels  of  wheat. 

6          „  com. 

4  „  potatoes. 

2  „  oats. 
4t  „  salt. 
2  hams. 

1  live  pig  (Dr  Kingston  chained  him  in  the  box-office). 
1  wolf-skin. 

5  pounds  honey  in  the  comb. 

1 6  strings  of  sausages — 2  pounds  to  the  string. 

1  cat-skin. 

1  churn  (two  families  went  in  on  this ;  it  is  an  ingenious 
churn,  and  fetches  butter  in  five  minutes  by  rapid  grinding). 

1  set  children's  under-garments,  embroidered. 

1  firkin  of  butter. 

1  keg  of  apple-sauce. 

One  man  undertook  to  pass  a  dog  (a  cross  between  a  Scotch 
terrier  and  a  Welsh  rabbit)  at  the  box-office,  and  another  pre- 


224  THE  BALL, 

sented  a  German-silver  coffin-plate,  but  the  Doctor  very  justly 
repulsed  them  both. 


14.— THE  BALL. 

The  Mormons  are  fond  of  dancing.  Brigham  and  Heber  0. 
dance.  So  do  Daniel  H.  Wells,  and  the  other  heads  of  the 
Church.  Balls  are  opened  with  prayer,  and  when  they  break 
up  a  benediction  is  pronounced. 

I  am  invited  to  a  ball  at  Social  Hall,  and  am  escorted  thither 
by  Brothers  Stenhouse  and  Clawson. 

Social  Hall  is  a  spacious  and  cheerful  room.  The  motto  of 
"Our  Mountain  Home"  in  brilliant  evergreen  capitals  adorns 
one  end  of  the  hall,  while  at  the  other  a  platform  is  erected  for 
the  musicians,  behind  whom  there  is  room  for  those  who  don't, 
dance  to  sit  and  look  at  the  festivities.  Brother  Stenhouse,  at 
the  request  of  President  Young,  formally  introduces  me  to  com- 
pany from  the  platform.  There  is  a  splendour  of  costumery 
about  the  dancers  I  had  not  expected  to  see.  Quadrilles  only 
are  danced.  The  mazourka  is  considered  sinful.  Even  the 
old-time  round  waltz  is  tabooed. 

I  dance. 

The  Saints  address  each  other  here,  as  elsewhere,  as  Brother 
and  Sister.  "  This  way,  Sister  ! "  "  Where  are  you  going, 
Brother?  "  &c.,  &c.  I  am  called  Brother  Ward.  This  pleases 
me,  and  I  dance  with  renewed  vigour. 

The  Prophet  has  some  very  charming  daughters,  several  of 
whom  are  present  to-night. 

I  was  told  they  spoke  French  and  Spanish. 

The  Prophet  is  more  industrious  than  graceful  as  a  dancer. 
He  exhibits,  however,  a  spryness  of  legs  quite  remarkable  in  a 
man  at  his  time  of  life.  I  didn't  see  Heber  0.  Kimball  on  the 
floor.  I  am  told  he  is  a  loose  and  reckless  dancer,  and  that 
many  a  lily-white  toe  has  felt  the  crushing  weight  of  his  cow- 
hide monitors. 


PHELPS'S  ALMANAC.  225 

The  old  gentleman  is  present,  however,  with  a  large  number 
of  wives.     It  is  said  he  calls  them  his  "  heifers." 

"Ain't  you  goin'  to  dance  with  some  of  my  wives?"  said  a 
Mormon  to  me. 

These  things  make  a  Mormon  ball  more  spicy  than  a  Gentile 
one. 

The  supper  is  sumptuous,  and  bear  and  beaver  adorn  the 
bill  of  fare. 

I  go  away  at  the  early  hour  of  two  in  the  morning.  The 
moon  is  shining  brightly  on  the  snow-covered  streets.  The 
lamps  are  out,  and  the  town  is  still  as  a  graveyard. 


15.— PHELPS'S  ALMANAC. 

Theke  is  an  eccentric  Mormon  at  Salt  Lake  City  of  the  name 
of  W.  W.  Phelps.  He  is  from  Cortland,  State  of  New  York, 
and  has  been  a  Saint  for  a  good  many  years.  It  is  said  he 
enacts  the  character  of  the  Devil,  with  a  pea-green  tail,  in  the 
Mormon  initiation  ceremonies.  He  also  publishes  an  almanac, 
in  which  he  blends  astronomy  with  short  moral  essays,  and 
suggestions  in  regard  to  the  proper  management  of  hens.  He 
also  contributes  a  poem,  entitled  "  The  Tombs,"  to  his  almanac 
for  the  current  year,  from  which  I  quote  the  last  verse : — 

"  Choose  ye  ;  to  rest  with  stately  grooms ; 
Just  such  a  place  there  is  for  sleeping  ; 
Where  everything,  in  common  keeping, 
Is  free  from  want  and  worth  and  weeping; 
There  folly's  harvest  is  a  reaping, 
Down  in  the  grave  among  the  tombs." 

Now,  I  know  that  poets  and  tin-pedlars  are  "  licensed,''  but 
why  does  W.  W.  P.  advise  us  to  sleep  in  the  barn  with  the 
ostlers  1    These  are  the  most  dismal  tombs  on  record,  not  ex* 

P 


;i26  HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD! 

cepting  the  Tomb  of  the  Capulets,  the  Tombs  of  New  York,  • 
or  the  Toombs  of  Georgia. 

Under  the  head  of  "  Old  Sayings/'  Mr  P.  publishes  the  fol- 
lowing. There  is  a  modesty  about  the  last  "  saying  "  which 
will  be  pretty  apt  to  strike  the  reader : — 

"  The  Lord  does  good  and  Satan  evil,  said  Moses. 
Sun  and  moon,  see  me  conquer,  said  Joshua. 
Virtue  exalts  a  woman,  said  David. 
Fools  and  folly  frolic,  said  Solomon. 
Judgments  belong  to  God,  said  Isaiah. 
The  path  of  the  just  is  plain,  said  Jeremiah. 
The  soul  that  sins  dies,  said  Ezekiel. 
The  wicked  do  wicked,  said  Daniel. 
Ephraim  fled  and  hid,  said  Hosea. 
The  Gentiles  war  and  waste,  said  Joel. 
The  second  reign  is  peace  and  plenty,  said  Amos. 
Zion  is  the  house  of  the  gods,  said  Obadiah. 
A  fish  saved  me,  said  Jonah. 
Our  Lion  will  be  terrible,  said  Micah. 
Doctor,  cure  yourself,  said  the  Saviour. 
Live  to  live  again,  said  W.  W.  Phelps." 


i6.— HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD! 

Time,  Wednesday  afternoon,  February  10. — The  Overland 
stage,  Mr  William  Glover  on  the  box,  stands  before  the 
veranda  of  the  Salt  Lake  House.  The  genial  Nat  Stein  is 
arranging  the  way-bill.  Our  baggage  (the  Overland  passenger 
is  only  allowed  twenty-five  pounds)  is  being  put  aboard,  and 
we  are  shaking  hands,  at  a  rate  altogether  furious,  with  Mor- 
mon and  Gentile.  Among  the  former  are  Brothers  Stenhouse, 
Caine,  Clawson,  and  Townsend ;  and  among  the  latter  are 
Harry  Riccard,  the  big-hearted  English  mountaineer  (though 
once  he  wore  white  kids  and  swallow-tails  in  Regent  Street, 

*  The  Newgate  prison  of  New  York  is  called  The  Tomhs,  from  being 
built  to  resemble  an  Egyptian  mausoleum. 


HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  I  227 

And  in  his  boyhood  went  to  school  to  Miss  Edgeworth,  the 
novelist),  the  daring  explorer  Rood,  from  Wisconsin  ;  the  Rev. 
James  McCormick,  missionary,  who  distributes  pasteboard 
tracts  among  the  Bannock  miners ;  and  the  pleasing  child  of 
gore,  Captain  D.  B.  Stover,  of  the  commissary  department. 

We  go  away  on  wheels,  but  the  deep  snow  compels  us  to 
substitute  runners  twelve  miles  out. 

There  are  four  passengers  of  us.  We  pierce  the  Wahsatch 
mountains  by  Parley's  Canon. 

A  snowstorm  overtakes  us  as  the  night  thickens,  and  the 
wind  shrieks  like  a  brigade  of  strong- lunged  maniacs.  Never 
mind.  We  are  well  covered  up — our  cigars  are  good.  I  have 
on  deerskin  pantaloons,  a  deerskin  overcoat,  a  beaver  cap  and 
buffalo  overshoes  ;  and  so,  as  I  tersely  observed  before.  Never 
mind.  Let  us  laugh  the  winds  to  scorn,  brave  boys  !  But  why 
is  WilUam  Glover,  driver,  lying  flat  on  his  back  by  the  road' 
side;  and  why  am  I  turning  a  handspring  in  the  road;  and  why 
are  the  horses  tearing  wildly  down  the  Wahsatch  mountains  1 
It  is  because  William  Glover  has  been  thrown  from  his  seat, 
and  the  horses  are  running  away.  I  see  him  fall  off,  and  it 
occurs  to  me  that  I  had  better  get  out.  In  doing  so,  such  is 
the  velocity  of  the  sleigh,  I  turn  a  handspring. 

Far  ahead  I  hear  the  runners  clash  with  the  rocks,  and  I 
see  Dr  Kingston's  lantern  (he  always  would  have  a  lantern), 
bobbing  about  like  the  binnacle  light  of  an  oyster  sloop,  very 
loose  in  a  chopping  sea.  Therefore  I  do  not  laugh  the  winds 
to  scorn  as  much  as  I  did,  brave  boys. 

William  G.  is  not  hurt,  and  together  we  trudge  on  after  the 
runaways  in  the  hope  of  overtaking  them,  which  we  do  some 
two  miles  off.     They  are  in  a  snowbank,  and  "  nobody  hurt." 

We  are  soon  on  the  road  again,  all  serene ;  though  I  believe 
the  Doctor  did  observe  that  such  a  thing  could  not  have  occurred 
under  a  monarchical  form  of  government. 

We  reach  Weber  station,  thirty  miles  from  Salt  Lake  City, 
and  wildly  situated  at  the  foot  of  the  Grand  Echo  Canon,  at 


228  HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD! 

three  o'clock  the  following  morning.  We  remain  over  a  day 
here  with  James  Bromley,  agent  of  the  Overland  stage  line, 
and  who  is  better  known  on  the  plains  than  Shakspeare  is  \ 
although  Shakspeare  has  done  a  good  deal  for  the  stage. 
James  Bromley  has  seen  the  Overland  line  grow  up  from  its 
ponyicy;  and  as  Fitz-Green  Halleck  happily  observes,  none 
know  him  but  to  like  his  style.  He  was  intended  for  an  agent. 
In  his  infancy  he  used  to  lisp  the  refrain — 
* '  I  want  to  be  an  agent, 
And  with  the  agents  stand." 

I  part  witli  this  kind-hearted  gentleman,  to  whose  industry 
and  ability  the  Overland  line  owes  much  of  its  success,  with 
sincere  regret ;  and  I  hope  he  will  soon  get  rich  enough  to 
transplant  his  charming  wife  from  the  Desert  to  the  "  White 
settlements." 

Forward  to  Fort  Bridger  in  an  open  sleigh.  Night  clear, 
cold,  and  moonlit.  Driver  Mr  Samuel  Smart.  Through  Echo 
Canon  to  Hanging  Eock  station.  The  snow  is  very  deep, 
there  is  no  path,  and  we  literally  shovel  our  way  to  Robert 
Pollock's  station,  which  we  achieve  in  the  Course  of  Time. 
Mr  P.  gets  up  and  kindles  a  fire,  and  a  snowy  nightcap  and 
a  pair  of  very  bright  black  eyes  beam  upon  us  from  the  bed. 
That  is  Mrs  Eobert  Pollock.  The  log  cabin  is  a  comfortable 
one.  I  make  coffee  in  my  French  coffee-pot,  and  let  loose 
some  of  the  roast  chickens  in  my  basket.  (Tired  of  fried  bacon 
and  saHeratus  bread — the  principal  bill  of  fare  at  the  stations 
— we  had  supplied  ourselves  with  chicken,  boiled  ham,  onions, 
sausages,  sea-bread,  canned  butter,  cheese,  honey,  &c.,  &c.,  an 
example  all  Overland  traders  would  do  well  to  follow.)  Mrs 
Pollock  tells  me  where  I  can  find  cream  for  the  cofi'ee,  and  cups 
and  saucers  for  the  same,  and  appears  so  kind,  that  I  regret 
our  stay  is  so  limited  that  we  can't  see  more  of  her. 

On  to  Yellow  Creek  station.  Then  Needle  Rock — a  desolate 
hut  on  the  Desert,  house  and  barn  in  one  building.  The 
station-keeper  is  a  miserable,  toothless  wretch  with  shaggy 


HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD!  229 

yellow  hair,  but  says  he's  going  to  get  married.  I  think  I 
see  him. 

To  Bear  Eiver.  A  pleasant  Mormon  named  Myers  keeps 
this  station,  and  he  gives  us  a  first-rate  breakfast.  Eobert 
Curtis  takes  the  reins  from  Mr  Smart  here,  and  we  get  on  to 
wheels  again.  Begin  to  see  groups  of  trees — a  new  sight 
to  us. 

Pass  Quaking  Asp  Springs  and  Muddy  to  Fort  Bridger. 
Here  are  a  group  of  white  buildings,  built  round  a  plaza,  across 
the  middle  of  which  runs  a  creek.  There  are  a  few  hundred 
troops  here  under  the  command  of  Major  Gallagher,  a  gallant 
officer  and  a  gentleman,  well  worth  knowing.  We  stay  here 
two  days. 

"We  are  on  the  road  again,  Sunday  the  14th,  with  a  driver 
of  the  highly  floral  name  of  Primrose.  At  seven  the  next 
morning  we  reach  Green  River  station,  and  enter  Idaho  terri- 
tory. This  is  the  Bitter  Creek  division  of  the  Overland  route, 
of  which  we  had  heard  so  many  unfavourable  stories.  The 
division  is  really  well  managed  by  Mr  Stewart,  though  the 
country  through  which  it  stretches  is  the  most  wretched  I  ever 
saw.  The  water  is  liquid  alkali,  and  the  roads  are  soft  sand. 
The  snow  is  gone  now,  and  the  dust  is  thick  and  blinding.  So 
drearily,  wearily  we  drag  onward. 

We  reach  the  summit  of  the  Rocky  Mountains  at  midnight 
on  the  17th.  The  climate  changes  suddenly,  and  the  cold  is 
intense.*  We  resume  runners,  have  a  break-down,  and  are 
forced  to  walk  four  miles. 

I  remember  that  one  of  the  numerous  reasons  urged  in  favour 
of  General  Fremont's  election  to  the  Presidency  in  1856,  was 
his  finding  the  pathy  across  the  Rocky  Mountains.  Credit  is 
certainly  due  that  gallant  explorer  in  this  regard;  but  it 
occurred  to  me,  as  I  wrung  my  frost-bitten  hands  on  that 
dreadful  night,  that  for  me  to  deliberately  go  over  that  path 
in  midwinter  was  a  sufficient  reason  for  my  election  to  any 
*  It  was,  as  we  afterwards  ascertained,  35°  below  zero. 


230  HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  1 

lunatic  asylum,  by  an  overwhelming  vote.  Dr  Kingston  made 
a  similar  remark,  and  wondered  if  he  should  ever  clink  glasses 
with  his  friend  Lord  Palmerston  again. 

Another  sensation.  Not  comic  this  time.  One  of  our  pas- 
sengers, a  fair-haired  German  boy,  whose  sweet  ways  had  quite 
won  us  all,  sank  on  the  snow,  and  said,  "  Let  me  sleep."  We 
knew  only  too  well  what  that  meant,  and  tried  hard  to  rouse 
him.  It  was  in  vain.  "  Let  me  sleep,"  he  said.  And  so  in  the 
cold  starlight  he  died.  We  took  him  up  tenderly  from  the 
snow,  and  bore  him  to  the  sleigh  that  awaited  us  by  the  road- 
side, some  two  miles  away.  The  new  moon  was  shining  now, 
a,nd  the  smile  on  the  sweet  white  face  told  how  painlessly  the 
poor  boy  had  died.  No  one  knew  him.  He  was  from  the 
Bannock  mines,  was  ill  clad,  had  no  baggage  or  money,  and 
his  fare  was  paid  to  Denver.  He  had  said  that  he  was  going 
back  to  Germany.  That  was  all  we  knew.  So  at  sunrise  the 
next  morning  we  buried  him  at  the  foot  of  the  grand  moun- 
tains that  are  snow-covered  and  icy  all  the  year  round,  far 
away  from  the  Faderland,  where,  it  may  be,  some  poor  mother 
is  crying  for  her  darling  who  will  not  come. 


We  strike  the  North  Platte  on  the  18th.  The  fare  at  the 
stations  is  daily  improving,  and  we  often  have  antelope  steaks 
now.  They  tell  us  of  eggs  not  far  off,  and  we  encourage  (by  a 
process  not  wholly  unconnected  with  bottles)  the  drivers  to 
keep  their  mules  in  motion. 

Antelopes  by  the  thousand  can  be  seen  racing  the  plains 
from  the  coach  windows. 

At  Elk  Mountain  we  encounter  a  religious  driver,  named 
Edward  Whitney,  who  never  swears  at  the  mules.  This  has 
made  him  distinguished  all  over  the  plains.  This  pious  driver 
tried  to  convert  the  Doctor,  but  I  am  mortified  to  say  that  his 
efforts  were  not  crowned  with  success.  Fort  Halleck  is  a  mile 
from  Elk,  and  here  are  some  troops  of  the  Ohio  11th  regiment, 
under  the  command  of  Major  Thomas  L.  Mackey. 


HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  I  231 

On  tlie  20th  we  reach  Rocky  Thomas's  justly  celebrated 
station,  at  five  in  the  morning,  and  have  a  breakfast  of  hashed 
black-tailed  deer,  antelope  steaks,  ham,  boiled  bear,  honey, 
eggs,  coffee,  tea,  and  cream.  That  was  the  squarest  meal  on 
the  road  except  at  Weber.  Mr  Thomas  is  a  Baltimore 
*'  slosher,"  he  informed  me.  I  don't  know  what  that  is,  but  he 
is  a  good  fellow,  and  gave  us  a  breakfast  fit  for  a  lord,  emperor, 
czar,  count,  &c.  A  better  couldn't  be  found  at  Delmonico's  or 
Parker's.*  He  pressed  me  to  linger  with  him  a  few  days 
and  shoot  bears.  It  was  with  several  pangs  that  I  declined 
the  generous  Baltimorean's  invitation. 

To  Virginia  Dale.  Weather  clear  and  bright.  Virginia 
Dale  is  a  pretty  spot,  as  it  ought  to  be  with  such  a  pretty 
name ;  but  I  treated  with  no  little  scorn  the  advice  of  a  hunter 
I  met  there,  who  told  me  to  give  up  "  literatoor,"  form  a 
matrimonial  alliance  with  some  squaws,  and  ''settle  down  thar." 

Bannock  on  the  brain  !  That  is  what  is  the  matter  now. 
Wagon-load  after  wagon-load  of  emigrants,  bound  to  the  new 
Idaho  gold  regions,  meet  us  every  hour.  Canvas-covered,  and 
drawn  for  the  most  part  by  fine  large  mules,  they  make  a  pleasant 
panorama,  as  they  stretch  slowly  over  the  plains  and  uplands. 
We  strike  the  South  Platte  Sunday  the  21st,  and  breakfast  at 
Latham,  a  station  of  one-horse  proportions.  We  are  now  in 
Colorado  ("Pike's  Peak"),  and  we  diverge  from  the  main 
route  here,  and  visit  the  flourishing  and  beautiful  city  of 
Denver.  Messrs  Langrish  &  Dougherty,  who  have  so  long 
and  so  admirably  catered  to  the  amusement  lovers  of  the  Far 
West,  kindly  withdraw  their  dramatic  corps  for  a  night,  and 
allow  me  to  use  their  pretty  little  theatre. 

We  go  to  the  mountains  from  Denver,  visiting  the  cele- 
brated gold-mining  towns  of  Black  Hawk  and  Central  City. 
I  leave  this  queen  of  all  the  territories,  quite  firmly  believing 
that  its  future  is  to  be  no  less  brilliant  than  its  past  has  been. 

*  Delmonico's  ia  the  most  fasliionable  restaurant  of  New  York,  and 
Parker's  of  Boston. 


232  HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  / 

I  had  almost  forgotten  to  mention  that  on  the  way  from 
Latham  to  Denver  Dr  Kingston  and  Dr  Seaton  (late  a  highly 
admired  physician  and  surgeon  in  Kentucky,  and  now  a  pros- 
perous gold-miner)  had  a  learned  discussion  as  to  the  formation 
of  the  membranes  of  the  human  stomach,  in  which  they  used 
words  that  were  over  a  foot  long  by  actual  measurement.  I 
never  heard  such  splendid  words  in  my  life  ;  but  such  was  their 
grandiloquent  profundity,  and  their  far-reaching  lucidity,  that 
I  understood  rather  less  about  it  when  they  had  finished  than 
I  did  when  they  commenced. 


Back  to  Latham  again  over  a  marshy  road,  and  on  to 
Nebraska  by  the  main  stage  line. 

I  met  Col.  Chivington,  commander  of  the  district  of  Colo- 
rado, at  Latham. 

Col.  Chivington  is  a  Methodist  clergyman,  and  was  once  a 
presiding  elder.  A  thoroughly  earnest  man,  an  eloquent 
preacher,  a  sincere  believer  in  the  war,  he  of  course  brings  to 
his  new  position  a  great  deal  of  enthusiasm.  This,  with  his 
natural  military  tact,  makes  him  an  officer  of  rare  ability ;  and 
on  more  occasions  than  one  he  has  led  his  troops  against  the 
enemy  with  resistless  skill  and  gallantry.  I  take  the  liberty 
of  calling  the  President's  attention  to  the  fact  that  this  brave 
man  ought  to  have  long  ago  been  a  brigadier-general. 

There  is,  however,  a  little  story  about  Col.  Chivington  that 
I  must  tell.  It  involves  the  use  of  a  little  blank  profanity, 
but  the  story  would  be  spoiled  without  it ;  and,  as  in  this  case, 
*'  nothing  was  meant  by  it,"  no  great  harm  can  be  done.  I 
rarely  stain  my.  pages  with  even  mild  profanity.  It  is  wicked 
in  the  first  place,  and  not  funny  in  the  second.  I  ask  the  boon 
of  being  occasionally  stupid  \  but  I  could  never  see  the  fun  of 
being  impious. 

Col.  Chivington  vanquished  the  rebels  with  his  brave  Colo- 
rado troops,  in  New  Mexico  last  year,  as  most  people  know. 
At  the  commencement  of  the  action,  which  was  hotly  con- 


HURRAH  FOR  THE  ROAD  I  233 

tested,  a  shell  from  the  enemy  exploded  near  him,  tearing  up 
the  ground,  and  causing  Captain  Kogers  to  swear  in  an  awful 
manner. 

"Captain  Kogers,"  said  the  Colonel,  "gentlemen  do  not 
swear  on  a  solemn  occasion  like  this.  We  may  fall,  but,  falling 
in  a  glorious  cause,  let  us  die  as  Christians,  not  as  rowdies, 
with  oaths  upon  our  lips.     Captain  Eogers,  let  us " 

Another  shell,  a  sprightlier  one  than  its  predecessor,  tears 
the  earth  fearfully  in  the  immediate  vicinity  of  Col.  Chivington, 
filling  his  eyes  with  dirt,  and  knocking  off  his  hat. 

"  Why,   G^ d their  souls  to  h ,"  he  roared, 

"  they  've  put  my  eyes  out — as  Captain  Rogers  would  say ! " 

But  the  Colonel's  eyes  were  not  seriously  damaged,  and  he 
went  in.     Went  in,  only  to  come  out  victorious. 


We  reach  Julesberg,  Colorado,  the  1st  of  March.  We  are  in 
the  country  of  the  Sioux  Indians  now,  and  encounter  them  by 
the  hundred.  A  chief  offers  to  sell  me  his  daughter  (a  fair 
young  Indian  maiden)  for  six  dollars  and  two  quarts  of 
whisky.     I  decline  to  trade. 

Meals  which  have  hitherto  been  1  dol.  each  are  now  75  cents. 
Eggs  appear  on  the  table  occasionally,  and  we  hear  of  chickens 
farther  on.  Nine  miles  from  here  we  enter  Nebraska  terri- 
tory. Here  is  occasionally  a  fenced  farm,  and  the  ranches 
have  bar-rooms.  Buffalo  skins  and  buffalo  tongues  are  for 
sale  at  most  of  the  stations.  We  reach  South  Platte  on  the 
2cl,  and  Fort  Kearney  on  the  3d.  The  7th  Iowa  Cavalry  are 
here,  under  the  command  of  Major  Wood.  At  Cottonwood, 
a  day's  ride  back,  we  had  taken  aboard  Major  O'Brien,  com- 
manding the  troops  there,  and  a  very  jovial  warrior  he  is,  too. 

Meals  are  now  down  to  50  cents,  and  a  great  deal  better  than 
when  they  were  1  dol. 

Kansas,  105  miles  from  Atchison.  Atchison !  No  traveller 
by  sea  ever  longed  to  set  his  foot  on  shore  as  we  longed 
to  reach  the  end  of  our  dreary  coach  ride  over  the  wildest 


234  VER  V  MUCH  MARRIED. 

part  of  the  whole  continent.  How  we  talked  Atchison,  anu 
dreamed  Atchison  for  the  next  fifty  hours !  Atchison,  I  shall 
always  love  you.  You  were  evidently  mistaken,  Atchison, 
when  you  told  me  that  in  case  I  "  lectured  "  there,  immense 
crowds  would  throng  to  the  hall ;  but  you  are  very  dear  to  me. 
Let  me  kiss  you  for  your  maternal  parent ! 

We  are  passing  through  the  reservation  of  the  Otoe  In- 
dians, who  long  ago  washed  the  war-paint  from  their  faces, 
buried  the  tomahawk,  and  settled  down  into  quiet,  prosper- 
ous farmers. 

We  rattle  leisurely  into  Atchison  on  a  Sunday  evening. 
Lights  gleam  in  the  windows  of  milk-white  churches,  and 
they  tell  us,  far  better  than  anything  else  could,  that  we  are 
back  to  civilisation  again. 

An  overland  journey  in  winter  is  a  better  thing  to  have  done 
than  to  do.  In  the  spring,  however,  when  the  grass  is  green 
on  the  great  prairies,  1  fancy  one  might  make  the  journey  a 
pleasant  one,  with  his  own  outfit  and  a  few  choice  friends. 


17.— VERY  MUCH  MARRIED. 

Are  the  Mormon  women  happy  % 

I  give  it  up.     I  don't  know. 

It  is  at  Great  Salt  Lake  City  as  it  is  in  Boston.  If  I  go 
out  to  tea  at  the  Wilkinses  in  Boston,  I  am  pretty  sure  to  find 
Mr  Wilkins  all  smiles  and  sunshine,  or  Mrs  Wilkins  all  gentle- 
ness and  politeness.  I  am  entertained  delightfully,  and  after 
tea  little  Miss  Wilkins  shows  me  her  photograph  album,  and 
plays  the  march  from  "  Faust "  on  the  piano  for  me.  I  go 
away  highly  pleased  with  my  visit ;  and  yet  the  Wilkinses 
may  fight  like  cats  and  dogs  in  private.  I  may  no  sooner 
have  struck  the  sidewalk  than  Mr  W.  will  be  reaching  for 
Mrs  W.'s  throat. 


VERY  MUCH  MARRIED,  235 

Thus  It  is  in  the  City  of  the  Saints.  Apparently,  the  Mor- 
mon women  are  happy.  I  saw  them  at  their  best,  of  course 
— at  balls,  tea-parties,  and  the  like.  They  were  like  other 
women,  as  far  as  my  observation  extended.  They  were 
hooped,  and  furbelowed,  and  shod,  and  white- collared,  and 
bejewelled;  and,  like  women  all  over  the  world,  they  were 
softer-eyed  and  kinder-hearted  than  men  can  ever  hope  to  be. 

The  Mormon  girl  is  reared  to  believe  that  the  pluraHty  wife 
system  (as  it  is  delicately  called  here)  is  strictly  right ;  and  in 
linking  her  destiny  with  a  man  who  has  twelve  wives,  she 
undoubtedly  considers  she  is  doing  her  duty.  She  loves  the 
man,  probably,  for  I  think  it  is  not  true,  as  so  many  writers 
have  stated,  that  girls  are  forced  to  marry  whomsoever  "  the 
Church"  may  dictate.  Some  parents,  no  doubt,  advise,  con- 
nive, threaten,  and  in  aggravated  cases,  incarcerate  here,  as 
some  parents  have  always  done  elsewhere,  and  always  will  do 
as  long  as  petticoats  continue  to  be  an  institution. 

How  these  dozen  or  twenty  wives  get  along  without  heart- 
burnings and  hairpullings,  I  can't  see. 

There  are  instances  on  record,  you  know,  where  a  man  don't 
live  in  a  state  of  uninterrupted  bliss  with  one  wife.  And  to 
say  that  a  man  can  possess  twenty  wives  without  having  his 
special  favourite  or  favourites,  is  to  say  that  he  is  an  angel  in 
boots — which  is  something  I  have  never  been  introduced  to. 
You  never  saw  an  angel  with  a  beard,  although  you  may  have 
seen  the  Bearded  Woman. 

The  Mormon  woman  is  early  taught  that  man,  being  created 
in  the  image  of  the  Saviour,  is  far  more  godly  than  she  can 
ever  be,  and  that  for  her  to  seek  to  monopolise  his  affections 
is  a  species  of  rank  sin.  So  she  shares  his  affections  with  five 
or  six  or  twenty  other  women,  as  the  case  may  be. 

A  man  must  be  amply  able  to  support  a  number  of  wives 
before  he  can  take  them.  Hence,  perhaps,  it  is  that  so  many 
old  chaps  in  Utah  have  young  and  blooming  wives  in  theii 
seraglios,  and  so  many  young  men  have  only  one. 


236  VEJ^V  MUCH  MARRIED. 

I  had  a  man  pointed  out  to  me  wlio  married  an  entire 
family.  He  had  originally  intended  to  marry  Jane,  but  Jane 
did  not  want  to  leave  her  widowed  mother.  The  other  three 
sisters  were  not  in  the  matrimonial  market  for  the  same 
reason ;  so  this  gallant  man  married  the  whole  crowd,  includ- 
ing the  girl's  grandmother,  who  had  lost  all  her  teeth,  and 
had  to  be  fed  with  a  spoon.  The  family  were  in  indigent 
circumstances,  and  they  could  not  but  congratulate  themselves 
on  securing  a  wealthy  husband.  It  seemed  to  affect  the 
grandmother  deeply ;  for  the  first  words  she  said  on  reaching 
her  new  home  were,  "  Now,  thank  God  !  I  shall  have  my  gruel 
reg'lar  ! " 

The  name  of  Joseph  Smith  is  worshipped  in  Utah;  and 
"  they  say,''  that  although  he  has  been  dead  a  good  many 
years,  he  still  keeps  on  marrying  women  by  -j^oxy.  He 
''reveals"  who  shall  act  as  his  earthly  agent  in  this  matter, 
and  the  agent  faithfully  executes  the  defunct  Prophet's 
commands. 

A  few  years  ago  I  read  about  a  couple  being  married  by 
telegraph — the  young  man  was  in  Cincinnati,  and  the  young 
woman  was  in  New  Hampshire.  They  did  not  see  each  other 
for  a  year  afterwards.  I  don't  see  what  fun  there  is  in  this 
sort  of  thing. 

I  have  somewhere  stated  that  Brigham  Young  is  said  to 
have  eighty  wives.  I  hardly  think  he  has  so  many.  Mr 
Hyde,  the  backslider,  says  in  his  book  that  "  Brigham  always 
sleeps  by  himself,  in  a  little  chamber  behind  his  office;"  and 
if  he  has  eighty  wives,  I  don't  blame  him.  He  must  be 
bewildered.  I  know  very  well  that  if  I  had  eighty  wives  of 
my  bosom  I  should  be  confused,  and  shouldn't  sleep  any- 
where. I  undertook  to  count  their  long  stockings  on  the 
clothes-line  in  his  back-yard  one  day,  and  I  used  up  the  mul- 
tiplication table  in  less  than  half  an  hour.  It  made  me  dizzy 
—it  did  ! 

In  this  book  I  am  writing  chiefly  of  what  I  saw.    I  saw 


THE  REVELATION  OF  JOSEPH  SMITH,        237 

plurality  at  its  best,  and  I  give  it  to  you  at  its  best.  I  have 
shown  the  silver  lining  of  this  great  social  cloud.  That  back 
of  this  silver  lining  the  cloud  must  be  thick  and  black,  I  feel 
quite  sure.  But  to  elaborately  denounce,  at  this  late  day,  a 
system  we  all  know  must  be  wildly  wrong,  would  be  simply 
to  impeach  the  intelligence  of  the  readers  of  this  book. 


18.— THE  REVELATION  OF  JOSEPH  SMITH. 

I  HAVE  not  troubled  the  reader  with  extracts  from  Mormon 
documents.  The  Book  of  Mormon  is  ponderous,  but  gloomy, 
and  at  times  incoherent ;  and  I  will  not,  by  any  means,  quote 
from  that.  But  the  Eevelation  of  Joseph  Smith  in  regard  to 
the  absorbing  question  of  plurality  or  polygamy  may  be  of 
sufficient  interest  to  reproduce  here.  The  reader  has  my  full 
consent  to  form  his  own  opinion  of  it : — 


REVELATION  GIVEN  TO  JOSEPH  SMITH,  NAUVOO,  JULY  12,  1843. 

Verily,  thus  saith  the  Lord  unto  you,  my  servant  Joseph, 
that  inasmuch  as  you  have  inquired  of  my  hand  to  know  and 
understand  wherein  I,  the  Lord,  justified  my  servants,  Abra-. 
ham,  Isaac,  and  Jacob ;  as  also  Moses,  David,  and  Solomon, 
my  servants,  as  touching  the  principle  and  doctrine  of  their 
having  many  wives  and  concubines :  Behold  !  and  lo,  I  am 
the  Lord  thy  God,  and  will  answer  thee  as  touching  this 
matter  :  therefore  prepare  thy  heart  to  receive  and  obey  the 
instructions  which  I  am  about  to  give  unto  you  ;  for  all  those 
who  have  this  law  revealed  unto  them  must  obey  the  same  j 
for  behold !  I  reveal  unto  you  a  new  and  an  everlasting  cove- 
nant, and  if  ye  abide  not  that  covenant,  then  are  ye  damned  \ 
for  no  one  can  reject  this  covenant  and  be  permitted  to  enter 
into  my  glory ;  for  all  who  will  have  a  blessing  at  my  handa 


238  THE  REVELATION  OF 

shall  abide  the  law  which  was  appointed  for  that  blessing,  and 
the  conditions  thereof,  as  was  instituted  from  before  the  founda- 
tions of  the  world ;  and  as  pertaining  to  the  new  and  ever- 
lasting covenant,  it  was  instituted  for  the  fulness  of  my  glory; 
and  he  that  receiveth  a  fulness  thereof,  must  and  shall  abide 
the  law,  or  he  shall  be  damned,  saith  the  Lord  God. 

And  verily  I  say  unto  you,  that  the  conditions  of  this  law 
are  these :  All  covenants,  contracts,  bonds,  obligations,  oaths, 
vows,  performances,  connections,  associations,  or  expectations, 
tliat  are  not  made,  and  entered  into,  and  sealed,  by  the  Holy 
Spirit  of  promise,  of  him  who  is  anointed,  both  as  well  for 
time  and  for  all  eternity,  and  that,  too,  most  holy,  by  revela- 
tion and  commandment,  through  the  medium  of  mine  anointed, 
whom  I  have  appointed  on  the  earth  to  hold  this  power  (and  I 
have  appointed  unto  my  servant  Joseph  to  hold  this  power  in 
the  last  days,  and  there  is  never  but  one  on  the  earth  at  a 
time  on  whom  this  power  and  the  keys  of  this  priesthood  are 
conferred),  are  of  no  efficacy,  virtue,  or  force  in  and  after  the 
resurrection  from  the  dead;  for  all  contracts  that  are  not 
made  unto  this  end  have  an  end  when  men  are  dead. 

Behold  !  mine  house  is  a  house  of  order,  saith  the  Lord  God, 
and  not  a  house  of  confusion.  Will  I  accept  of  an  offering, 
saith  the  Lord,  that  is  not  made  in  my  name  %  Or  will  I 
receive  at  your  hands  that  which  I  have  not  appointed  %  And 
will  I  appoint  unto  you,  saith  the  Lord,  except  it  be  by  law, 
even  as  I  and  my  Father  ordained  unto  you,  before  the  world 
was  ]  I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  I  give  unto  you  this  com- 
mandment, that  no  man  shall  come  unto  the  Father  but  by 
me,  or  by  my  word,  which  is  my  law,  saith  the  Lord  ;  and 
everything  that  is  in  the  world,  whether  it  be  ordained  of  men, 
by  thrones,  or  principalities,  or  powers,  or  things  of  name, 
whatsoever  they  may  be,  that  are  not  by  me,  or  by  my  word, 
saith  the  Lord,  shall  be  thrown  down,  and  shall  not  remain 
after  men  are  dead,  neither  in  nor  after  the  resurrection,  saith 
the  Lord  your  God ;  for  whatsoever  things  remaineth  are  by 


JOSEPH  SMITH.  239 

me,  and  whatsoever  things  are  not  by  me,  shall  be  shaken  and 
destroyed. 

Therefore,  if  a  man  marry  him  a  wife  in  the  world,  and  he 
marry  her  not  by  me,  nor  by  my  word,  and  he  covenant  with 
her  so  long  as  he  is  in  the  world,  and  she  with  him,  their  cove- 
nant and  marriage  is  not  of  force  when  they  are  dead,  and 
when  they  are  out  of  the  world ;  therefore  they  are  not  bound 
by  any  law  when  they  are  out  of  the  world ;  therefore,  when 
they  are  out  of  the  world,  they  neither  marry  nor  are  given 
in  marriage,  but  are  appointed  angels  in  heaven,  which  angels 
are  ministering  servants,  to  minister  for  those  who  are  worthy 
of  a  far  more,  and  an  exceeding,  and  an  eternal  weight  of 
glory ;  for  these  angels  did  not  abide  my  law,  therefore  they 
cannot  be  enlarged,  but  remain  separately,  and  singly,  without 
exaltation,  in  their  saved  condition,  to  all  eternity,  and  from 
henceforth  are  not  gods,  but  are  angels  of  God  for  ever  and 
ever. 

And  again,  verily  I  say  unto  you,  if  a  man  marry  a  wife, 
and  make  a  covenant  with  her  for  time  and  for  all  eternity,  if 
that  covenant  is  not  by  me  or  by  my  Avord,  which  is  my  law, 
and  is  not  sealed  by  the  Holy  Spirit  of  promise,  through  him 
whom  I  have  anointed  and  appointed  unto  this  power,  then  it 
is  not  valid,  neither  of  force  when  they  are  out  of  the  world, 
because  they  are  not  joined  by  me,  saith  the  Lord,  neither  by 
my  word ;  when  they  are  out  of  the  world,  it  cannot  be  received 
there,  because  the  angels  and  the  gods  are  appointed  there,  by 
whom  they  cannot  pass ;  they  cannot,  therefore,  inherit  my 
glory,  for  my  house  is  a  house  of  order,  saith  the  Lord  God. 

And  again,  verily  I  say  unto  you,  if  a  man  marry  a  wife  by 
my  word,  which  is  my  law,  and  by  the  new  and  everlasting 
covenant,  and  it  is  sealed  unto  them  by  the  Holy  Spirit  of 
promise,  by  him  who  is  anointed,  unto  whom  I  have  appointed 
this  power  and  the  keys  of  this  priesthood,  and  it  shall  be  said 
unto  them,  Ye  shall  come  forth  in  the  first  resurrection ;  and 
if  it  be  after  the  first  resurrection,  in  the  next  resurrection ; 


240  TRiL  REVELATION  OF 

and  shall  inherit  thrones,  kingdoms,  principalities,  and  powers, 
dominions,  all  heights  and  depths,  then  sliall  it  be  written  in 
the  Lamb's  Book  of  Life  that  he  shall  commit  no  murder, 
whereby  to  shed  innocent  blood ;  and  if  ye  abide  in  my  cove- 
nant, and  commit  no  murder  whereby  to  shed  innocent  blood, 
it  shall  be  done  unto  them  in  all  things  whatsoever  my  servant 
hath  put  upon  them  in  time  and  through  all  eternity;  and 
shall  be  of  full  force  when  they  are  out  of  the  world,  and  they 
shall  pass  by  the  angels  and  the  gods,  which  are  set  there,  to 
their  exaltation  and  glory  in  all  things,  as  hath  been  sealed 
upon  their  heads,  which  glory  shall  be  a  fulness  and  a  con- 
tinuation of  the  seeds  for  ever  and  ever. 

Then  shall  they  be  gods,  because  they  have  no  end ;  there- 
fore shall  they  be  from  everlasting  to  everlasting,  because  they 
continue ;  then  shall  they  be  above  all,  because  all  things  are 
subject  unto  them.  Then  shall  they  be  gods,  because  they 
have  all  power,  and  the  angels  are  subject  unto  them. 

Verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  except  ye  abide  my  law,  ye 
cannot  attain  to  this  glory ;  for  strait  is  the  gate,  and  narrow 
the  way,  that  leadeth  unto  the  exaltation  and  continuation  of 
the  lives,  and  few  there  be  that  find  it,  because  ye  receive  me 
not  in  the  world,  neither  do  ye  know  me.  But  if  ye  receive 
me  in  the  world,  then  shall  ye  know  me,  and  shall  receive 
your  exaltation,  that  where  I  am,  ye  shall  be  also.  This  is 
eternal  life,  to  know  the  only  wise  and  true  God,  and  Jesus 
Christ  whom  he  hath  sent.  I  am  he.  Eeceive  ye,  therefore, 
my  law.  Broad  is  the  gate,  and  wide  the  way  that  leadeth  to 
the  death,  and  many  there  are  that  go  in  thereat,  because  they 
receive  me  not,  neither  do  they  abide  in  my  law. 

Verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  if  a  man  marry  a  wife  accord- 
ing to  my  word,  and  they  are  sealed  by  the  Holy  Spirit  of 
promise  according  to  mine  appointment,  and  he  or  she  shall 
commit  any  sin  or  transgression  of  the  new  and  everlasting 
covenant  whatever,  and  all  manner  of  blasphemies,  and  if  they 
commit  no  murder,  wherein  they  shed  innocent  blood,  yet  they 


JOSEPH  SMITH.  241 

shall  come  forth  in  the  first  resurrection,  and  enter  into  their 
exaltation ;  but  they  shall  be  destroyed  in  the  flesh,  and  shall 
be  delivered  unto  the  buffetings  of  Satan,  unto  the  day  of 
redemption,  saith  the  Lord  God. 

The  blasphemy  against  the  Holy  Ghost,  which  shall  not  be 
forgiven  in  the  world  nor  out  of  the  world,  is  in  that  ye  com- 
mit murder,  wherein  ye  shed  innocent  blood,  and  assent  unto 
my  death,  after  ye  have  received  my  new  and  everlasting 
covenant,  saith  the  Lord  God ;  and  he  that  abideth  not  this 
law  can  in  no  wise  enter  into  my  glory,  but  shall  be  damned^ 
saith  the  Lord. 

I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  will  give  unto  thee  the  law  of 
my  holy  priesthood,  as  was  ordained  by  me  and  my  Father 
before  the  world  was.  Abraham  received  all  things,  whatso- 
ever he  received,  by  revelation  and  commandment,  by  my 
word,  saith  the  Lord,  and  hath  entered  into  his  exaltation,  and 
sitteth  upon  his  throne. 

Abraham  received  promises  concerning  his  seed,  and  of  the 
fruit  of  his  loins — from  whose  loins  ye  are,  viz.,  my  servant 
Joseph — which  were  to  continue  so  long  as  they  were  in  the 
world ;  and  as  touching  Abraham  and  his  seed  out  of  the 
world,  they  should  continue  ;  both  in  the  world  and  out  of  the 
world  should  they  continue  as  innumerable  as  the  stars  ;  or,  if 
ye  were  to  count  the  sand  upon  the  sea-shore,  ye  could  not 
number  them.  This  promise  is  yours  also,  because  ye  are  of 
Abraham,  and  the  promise  was  made  imto  Abraham,  and  by 
this  law  are  the  continuation  of  the  works  of  my  Father, 
wherein  he  glorifieth  himself.  Go  ye,  therefore,  and  do  the 
works  of  Abraham ;  enter  ye  into  my  law,  and  ye  shall  be 
saved.  But  if  ye  enter  not  into  my  law,  ye  cannot  receive 
the  promises  of  my  Father,  which  he  made  unto  Abraham. 

God  commanded  Abraham,  and  Sarah  gave  Hagar  to  Abra- 
ham to  wife.  And  why  did  she  do  it  ?  Because  this  was  the 
law,  and  from  Hagar  sprang  many  people.  This,  therefore, 
was  fulfilling,  among  other  things,  the  promises.     Was  Abra- 

Q 


24^  THE  REVELATION  OF 

liam,  therefore,  under  condemnation  %  Verily,  I  say  unto  you. 
Nay  ;  for  the  Lord  commanded  it.  Abraham  was  commanded 
to  offer  his  son  Isaac ;  nevertheless,  it  was  written,  Thou  shalt 
not  kill.  Abraham,  however,  did  not  refuse,  and  it  was  ac- 
counted unto  him  for  righteousness. 

Abraham  received  concubines,  and  they  bare  him  children, 
and  it  was  accounted  unto  him  for  righteousness,  because  they 
were  given  unto  him,  and  he  abode  in  my  law  ;  as  Isaac  also, 
and  Jacob,  did  none  other  things  than  that  which  they  were 
commanded ;  and  because  they  did  none  other  things  than  that 
which  they  were  commanded,  they  have  entered  into  their  exalta- 
tion, according  to  the  promises,  and  sit  upon  thrones  ;  and  are 
not  angels,  but  are  gods.  David  also  received  many  wives  and 
concubines,  as  also  Solomon,  and  Moses  my  servant,  as  also  many 
others  of  my  servants,  from  the  beginning  of  creation  until  this 
time,  and  in  nothing  did  they  sin,  save  in  those  things  which 
they  received  not  of  me. 

David's  wives  and  concubines  were  given  unto  him  of  me  by 
the  hand  of  Nathan  my  servant,  and  others  of  the  prophets 
who  had  the  keys  of  this  power ;  and  in  none  of  these  things 
did  he  sin  against  me,  save  in  the  case  of  Uriah  and  his  wife ; 
and,  therefore,  he  hath  fallen  from  his  exaltation,  and  received 
his  portion ;  and  he  shall  not  inherit  them  out  of  the  world, 
for  I  gave  them  unto  another,  saith  the  Lord. 

I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  I  gave  unto  thee,  my  servant 
Joseph,  by  appointment,  and  restore  all  things ;  ask  what  ye  will, 
and  it  shall  be  given  unto  you,  according  to  my  word  ;  and  as  ye 
have  asked  concerning  adultery,  verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  if  a 
man  receiveth  a  wife  in  the  new  and  everlasting  covenant,  and 
if  she  be  with  another  man,  and  I  have  not  appointed  unto 
her  by  the  holy  anointing,  she  hath  committed  adultery,  and 
shall  be  destroyed.  If  she  be  not  in  the  new  and  everlasting 
covenant,  and  she  be  with  another  man,  she  has  committed 
adultery  ;  and  if  her  husband  be  with  another  woman,  and  he 
was  under  a  vow,  he  hath  broken  hi?  vow,  and  hath  com- 


JOSEPH  SMITH.  243 

mitted  adultery ;  and  if  she  hath  not  committed  adultery,  but 
is  innocent,  and  hath  not  broken  her  vow,  and  she  knoweth 
it,  and  I  reveal  it  unto  you,  my  servant  Joseph,  then  shall  you 
have  power,  by  the  power  of  my  holy  priesthood,  to  take  her, 
and  give  her  unto  him  that  hath  not  committed  adultery,  but 
hath  been  faithful ;  for  he  shall  be  made  ruler  over  many  ;  for 
1  have  conferred  upon  you  the  keys  and  power  of  the  priest- 
hood, wherein  I  restore  all  things,  and  make  known  unto  you 
all  things  in  due  time. 

And  verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  that  whatsoever  you  seal 
on  earth  shall  be  sealed  in  heaven  ;  and  whatsoever  you  bind 
on  earth,  in  my  name  and  by  my  word,  saith  the  Lord,  it  shall 
be  eternally  bound  in  the  heavens  ;  and  whosesoever  sins  you 
remit  on  earth,  shall  be  remitted  eternally  in  the  heavens  ;  and 
whosesoever  sins  you  retain  on  earth,  shall  be  retained  in  heaven. 

And  again,  verily,  I  say,  whomsoever  you  bless,  I  will  bless ; 
and  whomsoever  you  curse,  I  will  curse,  saith  the  Lord ;  for 
I,  the  Lord,  am  thy  God. 

And  again,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  my  servant  Joseph,  that 
whatsoever  you  give  on  earth,  and  to  whomsoever  you  give 
any  one  on  earth,  by  my  word  and  according  to  my  law,  it 
shall  be  visited  with  blessings  and  not  cursings,  and  with  my 
power,  saith  the  Lord,  and  shall  be  without  condemnation  on 
earth  and  in  heaven,  for  I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  will  be 
with  thee  even  unto  the  end  of  the  world,  and  through  all 
eternity ;  for  verily  I  seal  upon  you  your  exaltation,  and  pre- 
pare a  throne  for  you  in  the  kingdom  of  my  Father,  with 
Abraham  your  father.  Behold  !  I  have  seen  your  sacrifices,  and 
will  forgive  all  your  sins ;  I  have  seen  your  sacrifices,  in  obed- 
ience to  that  which  I  have  told  you ;  go,  therefore,  and  I 
make  a  way  for  your  escape,  as  I  accepted  the  offering  of 
Abraham  of  his  son  Isaac. 

Verily,  I  say  unto  you,  a  commandment  I  give  unto  mine 
handmaid,  Emma  Smith,  your  wife,  whom  I  have  given  unto 
}'ou,  that  she  stay  herself,  and  partake  of  that  which  I  com- 


244  THE  REVELATION  OF 

manded  you  to  offer  unto  her ;  for  I  did  it,  saith  the  Lord,  to 
prove  you  all,  as  I  did  Abraham,  and  that  I  might  require  an 
offering  at  your  hand  by  covenant  and  sacrifice  \  and  let  mine 
handmaid,  Emma  Smith,  receive  all  those  that  have  been  given 
unto  my  servant  Joseph,  and  who  are  virtuous  and  pure  before 
me ;  and  those  who  are  not  pure,  and  have  said  they  were 
pure,  shall  be  destroyed,  saith  the  Lord  God ;  for  I  am  the 
Lord  thy  God,  and  ye  shall  obey  my  voice;  and  I  give  unto 
my  servant  Joseph,  that  he  shall  be  made  ruler  over  many 
things,  for  he  hath  been  faithful  over  a  few  things,  and  from 
henceforth  I  will  strengthen  him. 

And  I  command  mine  handmaid,  Emma  Smith,  to  abide 
and  cleave  unto  my  servant  Joseph,  and  to  none  else.  But  if 
she  will  not  abide  this  commandment,  she  shall  be  destroyed, 
saith  the  Lord,  for  I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  will  destroy 
her  if  she  abide  not  in  my  law  :  but  if  she  will  not  abide  this 
commandment,  then  shall  my  servant  Joseph  do  all  things  for 
her,  as  he  hath  said  ;  and  I  will  bless  him,  and  multiply  him, 
and  give  unto  him  an  hundredfold  in  this  world,  of  fathers  and 
mothers,  brothers  and  sisters,  houses  and  lands,  wives  and 
children,  and  crowns  of  eternal  lives  in  the  eternal  worlds. 
And  again,  verily  I  say,  let  mine  handmaid  forgive  my  servant 
Joseph  his  trespasses,  and  then  shall  she  be  forgiven  her  tres- 
passes, wherein  she  hath  trespassed  against  me ;  and  I,  the 
Lord  thy  God,  will  bless  her,  and  multiply  her,  and  make  her 
heart  to  rejoice. 

And  again,  I  say,  let  not  my  servant  Joseph  put  his  pro- 
perty out  of  his  hands,  lest  an  enemy  come  and  destroy  him — 
for  Satan  seeketh  to  destroy — for  I  am  the  Lord  thy  God,  and 
he  is  my  servant ;  and  behold  !  and  lo,  I  am  with  him,  as  I  was 
with  Abraham  thy  father,  even  unto  his  exaltation  and  glory. 

Now,  as  touching  the  law  of  the  priesthood,  there  are  many 
things  pertaining  thereunto.  Verily,  if  a  man  be  called  of  my 
Father,  as  was  Aaron,  by  mine  own  voice,  and  by  the  voice  of 
him  that  sent  me,  and  I  have  endowed  him  with  the  keys  of 


JOSEPH  SMITH.  245 

the  power  of  this  priesthood,  if  he  do  anything  in  my  name, 
and  according  to  my  law,  and  by  my  word,  he  will  not  com- 
mit sin,  and  I  will  justify  him.  Let  no  one,  therefore,  set  on 
my  servant  Joseph,  for  I  will  justify  him ;  for  he  shall  do  the 
sacrifice  which  I  require  at  his  hands,  for  his  transgressions, 
saith  the  Lord  your  God. 

And  again,  as  pertaining  to  the  law  of  the  priesthood ;  if 
any  man  espouse  a  virgin,  and  desire  to  espouse  another,  and 
the  first  give  her  consent ;  and  if  he  espouse  the  second,  and 
they  are  virgins,  and  have  vowed  to  no  other  man,  then  is  he 
justified ;  he  cannot  commit  adultery,  for  they  are  given  unto 
him  ;  for  he  cannot  commit  adultery  with  that  that  belongeth 
unto  him,  and  to  none  else ;  and  if  he  have  ten  virgins  given 
unto  him  by  this  law,  he  cannot  commit  adultery,  for  they  be- 
long to  him,  and  they  are  given  unto  him;  therefore  is  he 
justified.  But  if  one  or  either  of  the  ten  virgins,  after  she  is 
espoused,  shall  be  with  another  man,  she  has  committed  adultery, 
and  shall  be  destroyed  \  for  they  are  given  unto  him  to  multiply 
and  replenish  the  earth,  according  to  my  commandment,  and 
to  fulfil  the  promise  which  was  given  by  my  Father  before 
the  foundation  of  the  world,  and  for  their  exaltation  in 
the  eternal  worlds,  that  they  may  bear  the  souls  of  men ;  for 
herein  is  the  work  of  my  Father  continued,  that  he  may  be 
glorified. 

And  again,  verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you,  if  any  man  have  a 
wife  who  holds  the  keys  of  this  power,  and  he  teaches  unto 
her  the  law  of  my  priesthood  as  pertaining  to  these  things, 
then  shall  she  believe  and  administer  unto  him,  or  she  shall  be 
destroyed,  saith  the  Lord  your  God  ;  for  I  will  destroy  her ; 
for  I  will  magnify  my  name  upon  all  those  who  receive  and 
abide  in  my  law.  Therefore  it  shall  be  lawful  in  me,  if  she 
receive  not  this  law,  for  him  to  receive  all  things  whatsoever 
I,  the  Lord  his  God,  will  give  unto  him,  because  she  did  not 
believe  and  administer  unto  him  according  to  my  word ;  and 
she  then  becomes  the  transgressor,  and  he  is  exempt  from  the 


246        THE  REVELATION  OF  JOSEPH  SMITH, 

law  of  Sarah,  who  administered  unto  Abraham  according  to 
the  law,  when  I  commanded  Abraham  to  take  Hagar  to  wife. 
And  now,  as  pertaining  to  this  law,  verily,  verily,  I  say  unto 
you,  I  will  reveal  more  unto  you  hereafter,  therefore  let  this 
suffice  for  the  present.      Behold  !  I  am  Alpha  and  Omega. 

iUlEN. 


PART  II. 

PERLITE  LITTERATOOR. 


I.— A  WAR  MEETING. 

Our  complaint  just  now  is  war  meetins.  They  Ve  bin  havin 
'em  bad  in  varis  parts  of  our  cheerful  Republic  and  nat'rally 
we  caught  'em  here  in  Baldinsville.  They  broke  out  all  over 
us.     They  're  better  attended  than  the  Eclipse  was. 

I  remember  how  people  poured  into  our  town  last  Spring  to 
see  the  Echpse.  They  labored  into  a  impression  that  they 
couldn't  see  it  to  home,  and  so  they  cum  up  to  our  place.  I 
cleared  a  very  handsome  amount  of  money  by  exhibitin  the 
Echpse  to  'em,  in  an  open-top  tent.  But  the  crowds  is  bigger 
now.  Posey  County  is  aroused.  I  may  say,  indeed,  that  the 
pra-hay-ories  of  Injianny  is  on  fire. 

Our  big  meetin  came  off  the  other  night,  and  our  old  friend 
of  the  Bugle  was  elected  Cheerman. 

The  Bugle- Horn  of  Liberty  is  one  of  Baldinsville's  most 
eminentest  institootions.  The  advertisements  are  well  written, 
and  the  deaths  and  marriages  are  conducted  with  signal  ability. 
The  editor,  Mr  Slinkers,  is  a  polish' d,  skarcastic  writer.  Folks 
in  these  parts  will  not  soon  forgit  how  he  used  up  the  JSagle  of 
Freedom,  a  family  journal  published  at  Snootville,  near  here. 
The  controversy  was  about  a  plank  road.     "  The  road  may  be, 


248  A   WAR  MEETING. 

as  our  contemporary  says,  a  humbug ;  but  our  aunt  isn't  bald- 
heded,  and  we  haven't  got  a  one-eyed  sister  Sal !  "Wonder  if 
the  editor  of  the  Eagle  of  Freedom  sees  it  1 "  This  used  up  the 
Eagle  of  Freedom  feller,  because  his  aunt's  head  does  present  a 
skinn'd  appearance,  and  his  sister  Sarah  is  very  much  one-eyed. 
For  a  genteel  home  thrust  Mr  Slinkers  has  few  ekals.  He  is 
a  man  of  great  pluck  likewise.  He  has  a  fierce  nostril,  and  I 
bl'eve  upon  my  soul,  that  if  it  wasn't  absolootly  necessary  for 
him  to  remain  here  and  announce  in  his  paper,  from  week  to 
week,  that  "  our  Gov'ment  is  about  to  take  vig'rous  measures 
to  put  down  the  rebellion" — I  b'lieve,  upon  my  soul,  this 
illustris  man  would  enlist  as  a  Brigadier  Gin'ral,  and  git  his 
Bounty. 

I  was  fixin  myself  up  to  attend  the  great  war  meetin,  when 
my  daughter  entered  with  a  young  man  who  was  evijently 
from  the  city,  and  who  wore  long  hair,  and  had  a  wild  expres- 
sion into  his  eye.  In  one  hand  he  carried  a  portfolio,  and  his 
other  paw  claspt  a  bunch  of  small  brushes.  My  daughter 
introduced  him  as  Mr  Sweibier,  the  distinguished  landscape 
painter  from  Philadelphy. 

"  He  is  a  artist,  papa.  Here  is  one  of  his  masterpieces — a 
young  mother  gazin  admirinly  upon  her  first-born ; "  and  my 
daughter  showed  me  a  really  pretty  picter,  done  in  ile.  "  Is 
it  not  beautiful,  papa?  He  throws  so  much  soul  into  his 
work." 

"  Does  he  ?  does  he  ? "  said  I ;  "  well,  I  reckon  I  'd  better 
Aire  him  to  whitewash  our  fence.  It  needs  it.  What  wiU 
you  charge,  sir,"  I  continued,  "  to  throw  some  soul  into  my 
fence?" 

My  daughter  went  out  of  the  room  in  very  short  meeter, 
takin  the  artist  with  her,  and,  from  the  emphatical  manner 
in  which  the  door  slam'd,  I  concluded  she  was  summut  dis- 
gusted at  my  remarks.  She  closed  the  door,  I  may  say,  in 
italics.  I  went  into  the  closet,  and  larfed  all  alone  by  myself 
for  over  half  an  hour.     I  larfed  so  vi'lently  that  the  preserve 


A   WAR  MEETING.  249 

jars  rattled  like  a  cavalry  officer's  sword  and  things,  which  it 
aroused  my  Betsy,  who  came  and  opened  the  door  pretty 
suddent.  She  seized  me  by  the  few  lonely  hairs  that  still 
linger  sadly  upon  my  bare-footed  hed,  and  dragged  me  out  of 
the  closet,  incidently  obsarving  that  she  didn't  exactly  see  why 
she  should  be  compelled,  at  her  advanced  stage  of  life,  to  open 
a  assylum  for  sooperanooated  idiots. 

My  wife  is  one  of  the  best  wimin  on  this  continent,  altho' 
she  isn't  always  gentle  as  a  lamb,  with  mint  sauce.     No,  not 


But  to  return  to  the  war  meetin.  It  was  largely  attended. 
The  editor  of  the  Bugle  arose  and  got  up,  and  said  the  fact 
could  no  longer  be  disguised  that  we  were  involved  in  a  war. 
"  Human  gore,"  said  he,  "  is  flowin.  All  able-bodied  men 
should  seize  a  musket  and  march  to  the  tented  field.  I  re- 
peat it,  sir, — to  the  tented  field." 

A  voice — "  Why  don't  you  go  yourself,  you  old  blowhard  1 " 

"  I  am  identified,  young  man,  with  an  Arkymedian  leaver 
which  moves  the  world,*'  said  the  editor,  wiping  his  auburn 
brow  with  his  left  coat-tail:  "I  allude,  young  man,  to  the  press. 
Terms,  two  dollars  a  year,  invariably  in  advance.  Job  print- 
ing executed  with  neatness  J^nd  despatch ! "  And  with  this 
brilliant  bust  of  elekance  the  editor  introduced  Mr  J.  Brutus 
Uinkins,  who  is  sufierin  from  an  attack  of  College  in  a  naberin 
place.  Mr  Hinkins  said  Washington  was  not  safe.  Who  can 
save  our  national  capeetle  1 

"Dan  Setchell,"*  I  said.  " He  can  do  it  afternoons.  Let 
him  plant  his  light  and  airy  form  onto  the  Long  Bridge,  make 
faces  at  the  hirelin  foe,  and  they  '11  skedaddle  !  Old  Setch 
can  do  it ! " 

"  I  call  the  Napoleon  of  Showmen,"  said  the  editor  of  the 
Bugle — "  I  call  that  Napoleonic  man,  whose  Hfe  is  adorned 
with  so  many  noble  virtues,  and  whose  giant  mind  lights  up 
this  warHke  scene — I  call  him  to  order." 

*  A  very  popular  comedian  in  the  United  St»t» 


2SO  A  WAR  MEETING. 

I  will  remark,  in  this  connection,  that  the  editor  of  the  BugU 
does  my  job  printing. 

"  You,"  said  Mr  Hinkins,  "  who  live  away  from  the  busy 
haunts  of  men  do  not  comprehend  the  magnitood  of  the  crisis. 
The  busy  haunts  of  men  is  where  people  comprehend  this  crisis. 
We  who  Kve  in  the  busy  haunts  of  men — that  is  to  say,  we 
dwell,  as  it  were,  in  the  busy  haunts  of  men." 

"  I  really  trust  that  the  gent'l'man  will  not  fail  to  say  suthin 
about  the  busy  haunts  of  men  before  he  sits  down,"  said  L 

"  I  claim  the  right  to  express  my  sentiments  here,"  said  Mr 
Hinkins,  in  a  slightly  indignant  tone,  "  and  I  shall  brook  no 
interruption,  if  I  am  a  Softmore."  * 

"  You  couldn't  be  more  soft,  my  young  friend,"  I  observed, 
whereupon  there  was  cries  of  "  Order  !  order  !" 

"  I  regret  I  can't  mingle  in  this  strife  personally,"  said  the 
young  man. 

"  You  might  inlist  as  a  liberty-pole,"  t  said  I  in  a  silvery 
whisper. 

"  But,"  he  added,  "  I  have  a  voice,  and  that  voice  is  for  war." 
The  young  man  then  closed  his  speech  with  some  strikin  and 
original  remarks  in  relation  to  the  star-spangled  banner.  He 
was  followed  by  the  village  minister,  a  very  worthy  man  in- 
deed, but  whose  sermons  have  a  tendency  to  make  people  sleep 
pretty  industriously. 

"  I  am  willin  to  inlist  for  one,"  he  said. 

"  What 's  your  weight,  parson  ? "  I  asked. 

"  A  hundred  and  sixty  pounds,"  he  said. 

"  Well,  you  can  inlist  as  a  hundred  and  sixty  pounds  of 
morphine,  your  dooty  bein  to  stand  in  the  hospitals  arter  a 
battle,  and  preach  while  the  surgical  operations  is  bein  per- 
formed !  Think  how  much  you  'd  save  the  Gov'ment  in  mor- 
phine." 

*  A  Sophomore  at  one  of  the  colleges. 

1"  Every  town  and  village  in  the  States  has  its  "  liberty -pole,"  or  flag- 
staff, on  -which  to  hoist  the  Stars  and  Stripes. 


A   WAR  MEETING,  251 

He  didn't  seem  to  see  it ;  but  he  made  a  good  speech,  and 
the  editor  of  the  BiLgle  rose  to  read  the  resolutions,  commencin 
as  fellers  : — 

"  Resolved,  That  we  view  with  anxiety  the  fact  that  there  is 
now  a  war  goin  on ;  and 

"  Resolved,  That  we  believe  Stonewall  Jackson  sympathises 
with  the  secession  movement,  and  that  we  hope  the  nine 
months'  men " 

At  this  point  he  was  interrupted  by  the  sounds  of  silvery 
footsteps  on  the  stairs,  and  a  party  of  wimin,  carryin  guns, 
and  led  by  Betsy  Jane,  who  brandishd  a  loud  and  rattlin 
umbereller,  burst  into  the  room. 

*'  Here,"  cried  I,  "  are  some  nine-months'  wimin  !  " 

**  Mrs  Ward,"  said  the  editor  of  the  Bugle — "  Mrs  Ward, 
and  ladies,  what  means  this  extr'ord'n'ry  demonstration  1 " 

"  It  means,"  said  that  remarkable  female,  "  that  you  men 
air  makin  fools  of  yourselves.  You  air  willin  to  talk  and 
urge  others  to  go  to  the  wars,  but  you  don't  go  to  the  wars 
yourselves.  War  meetins  is  very  nice  in  their  way,  but  they 
don't  keep  Stonewall  Jackson  from  comin  over  to  Maryland 
and  helpin  himself  to  the  fattest  beef  critters.  What  we  want 
is  more  cider  and  less  talk.  We  want  you  able-bodied  men  to 
stop  speechifying,  which  don't  'mount  to  the  wiggle  of  a  sick 
cat's  tail,  and  go  to  fi'tin ;  otherwise  you  can  stay  at  home 
and  take  keer  of  the  children,  while  we  wimin  will  go  to  the 
wars !  " 

"  Gentl'men,"  said  I,  "  that 's  my  wife  !  Go  in,  old  gal ! " 
and  I  throw'd  up  my  ancient  white  hat  in  perfeck  rapters. 

"  Is  this  roll-book  to  be  filled  up  with  the  names  of  men  or 
wimin  ? "  she  cried. 

"  With  men  !  with  men  ! "  and  our  quoty  was  made  up  that 
very  night. 

There  is  a  great  deal  of  gas  about  these  war  meetins.  A 
war  meetin,  in  fact,  without  gas,  would  be  suthin  like  the 
play  of  Hamlet  with  Ltie  part  of  Othello  omitted. 


252  ARTEMUS  WARD'S 

Still  believin  that  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  is  about  as  well 
sot  up  *  with  as  any  young  lady  in  distress  could  expect  to  be, 
I  am,  yours  more'n  anybody  else's, 

A.  Ward. 


2.— ARTEMUS  WARD'S  AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 

New  York,  near  Fifth  Avenoo  Hotel, 
Org,  Z\d. 

Editer  0}  Flay  Bill. 

Dr  Sir, — ^Yrs,  into  which  you  ask  me  to  send  you  sum 
leadin  incidents  in  my  life  so  you  can  write  my  Bogfry  for  the 
papers,  cum  dooly  to  hand.  I  hav  no  doubt  that  a  article 
onto  my  life,  grammattycally  jerked  and  properly  punktooated, 
would  be  a  addition  to  the  chois  literatoor  of  the  day. 

To  the  yooth  of  Ameriky  it  would  be  vallyble  as  showin 
how  high  a  pinnykle  of  fame  a  man  can  reach  who  commenst 
his  career  with  a  small  canvas  tent  and  a  pea-green  ox,  which 
he  rubbed  it  off  while  scratchin  hisself  agin  the  center  pole, 
causin  in  Rah  way,  N.  J.,  a  discriminatin  mob  to  say  humbugs 
would  not  go  down  in  their  village.  The  ox  resoom'd  agricul- 
tooral  pursoots  shortly  afterwards. 

I  next  tried  my  hand  at  givin  Blind-man  concerts,  appearin 
as  the  poor  blind  man  myself.  But  the  infamus  cuss  who  I 
hired  to  lead  me  round  towns  in  the  day  time  to  excite  sim- 
pathy  drank  freely  of  spiritoous  licker  unbeknowns  to  me  one 
day,  &  while  under  their  inflooance  he  led  me  into  the  canal. 
I  had  to  either  tear  the  green  bandige  from  my  eyes  or  be 
drownded.     I  tho't  I  'd  restore  my  eyesight. 

In  writin  about  these  things,  Mr  Editer,  kinder  smooth  'em 
over.     Speak  of  'em  as  eccentrissities  of  gen'us. 

*  The  phrase  "well  sot  up "  is  used  to  express  the  marriage  portioii  of 
*  bride. 


AUTOBIOGRAPHY,  253 

My  next  ventur  would  hav  bin  a  success  if  I  hadn't  tried  to 
do  too  much.  I  got  up  a  series  of  wax  liggers,  and  amoBg 
others  one  of  Socrates.  I  tho't  a  wax  figger  of  old  Sock,  would 
be  poplar  with  eddycated  peple,  but  unfortinitly  I  put  a  Brown 
linen  duster  and  a  U.S.  Army  regulation  cap  on  him,  which 
peple  with  classy  cal  eddy  cations  said  it  was  a  farce.  This 
enterprise  was  onfortnit  in  other  respecks.  At  a  certin  town 
I  advertised  a  wax  figger  of  the  Hon'ble  Amos  Perkins,  who 
was  a  Kailroad  President,  and  a  great  person  in  them  parts. 
But  it  appeared  I  had  shown  the  same  figger  for  a  Pirut  named 
Gibbs  in  that  town  the  previs  season,  which  created  a  intense 
toomult,  &  the  audience  remarked  "  shame  onto  me,"  &  other 
statements  of  the  same  similarness.  I  tried  to  mollify  'em.  1 
told  'em  that  any  family  possessin  children  might  have  my  she 
tiger  to  play  with  half  a  day,  &  I  wouldn't  charge  'em  a  cent, 
but  alars  !  it  was  of  no  avail.  I  was  forced  to  leave,  &  I  infer 
from  a  article  in  the  Advertiser  of  that  town,  in  which  the 
Editer  says,  *' Altho'  time  has  silvered  this  man's  hed  with  its 
frosts,  he  still  brazenly  wallows  in  infamy.  Still  are  his  snakes 
stufi'ed,  and  his  wax  works  unreliable.*  We  are  glad  that  he 
has  concluded  to  never  revisit  our  town,  altho',  incredible  as  it 
may  appear,  the  fellow  really  did  contemplate  so  doing  last 
summer,  when,  still  true  to  the  craven  instincts  of  his  black 
heart,  he  wrote  the  hireling  knaves  of  the  obscure  journal 
across  the  street  to  know  what  they  would  charge  for  400 
small  bills,  to  be  done  on  yellow  paper !  We  shall  recur  to 
this  matter  again." 

I  say,  I  infer  from  this  article  that  a  prejudiss  still  exists 
agin  me  in  that  town. 

I  will  not  speak  of  my  once  bein  in  straitend  circumstances 
in  a  sertin  town,  and  of  my  endeaverin  to  accoomulate  welth 
by  lettin  myself  to  Sabbath  School  picnics  to  sing  ballads 

*  Artemus  Ward  may  not  be  quoted  as  an  authority  for  the  use  of  the 
word  reliable,  the  proper  etymology  of  which  haa  recently  formed  matter 
for  criticism. 


254         ARTEMUS  WARD'S  AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 

adapted  to  the  understandins  of  little  children,  accompanyin 
myself  on  a  claironett — which  I  forgot  where  I  was  one  da}', 
singin,  instid  of  "  Oh,  how  pleasant  to  be  a  little  child," 

'*  Rip  slap — set  'em  up  again, 
Right  in  the  middle  of  a  three-cent  pie,"  * 

which  mistake,  added  to  the  fact  that  I  couldn't  play  onto  the 
claironett  except  making  it  howl  dismal,  broke  up  the  picnic, 
and  children  said,  in  voices  choked  with  sobs  and  emotions, 
where  was  their  home  and  where  was  their  Pa  %  and  I  said,  Be 
quiet,  dear  children,  I  am  your  Pa,  which  made  a  young 
woman  with  two  twins  by  her  side  say  very  angryly,  "  Good 
heavens  forbid  you  should  ever  be  the  Pa  of  any  of  these 
innocent  ones,  unless  it  is  much  desirable  for  them  to  expire 
igminyusly  upon  to  a  murderer's  gallus  ! " 

I  say  I  will  not  speak  of  this.  Let  it  be  Berrid  into 
Oblivyun. 

In  your  article,  Mr  Editer,  please  tell  him  what  sort  of  a 
man  I  am. 

If  you  see  fit  to  kriticise  my  Show,  speak  your  mind  freely. 
I  do  not  object  to  kriticism.  Tell  the  public,  in  a  candid  and 
graceful  article,  that  my  Show  abounds  in  moral  and  startlin 
cooriosities,  any  one  of  whom  is  wuth  dubble  the  price  of 
admission. 

I  hav  thus  far  spoke  of  myself  excloosivly  as  a  exhibiter. 

I  was  born  in  the  State  of  Maine  of  parents.  As  a  infant 
I  attracted  a  great  deal  of  attention.  The  nabers  would  stand 
over  my  cradle  for  hours  and  say,  "  How  bright  that  little  face 
looks  I  How  much  it  nose  !  "  The  young  ladies  would  carry 
me  round  in  their  arms,  sayin  I  was  muzzer's  bezzy  darlin  and 
a  sweety  'eety  'ittle  ting.  It  was  nice,  tho'  I  wasn't  old  enuff 
to  properly  appreciate  it.     I'm  a  healthy  old  darlin  now. 

I  have  allers  sustained  a  good  moral  character.  I  was  never 
a  Railroad  director  in  my  life. 

*  As  I  have  mentioned  in  the  Introduction,  this  popular  western  song 
is  the  original  of  the  London  "  Slap  bang  !  here  we  are  again." 


THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK.  255 

Altlio'  in  early  life  I  did  not  inva'bly  confine  myself  to  truth 
in  my  small  bills,  I  have  been  gradooally  growin  respectabler 
and  respectabler  ev'ry  year.  I  luv  my  children,  and  never 
mistake  another  man's  wife  for  my  own.  I'm  not  a  member 
of  any  meetin  house,  but  firmly  bel'eve  in  meetin  houses,  and 
shouldn't  feel  safe  to  take  a  dose  of  laudnum  and  lay  down  in 
the  street  of  a  village  that  hadn't  any,  with  a  thousand  dollars 
in  my  vest  pockets. 

My  temperament  is  billions,  altho'  I  don't  owe  a  dollar  in 
the  world. 

I  am  a  early  riser,  but  my  wife  is  a  Presbyterian.  I  may 
add  that  I  am  also  bald-heded.     I  keep  two  cows. 

I  liv  in  Baldinsville,  Indiany.  My  next  door  naber  is  Old 
Steve  Billins.  I'll  tell  you  a  little  story  about  Old  Steve  that 
will  make  you  larf.  He  jined  the  Church  last  spring,  and  the 
minister  said,  "  You  must  go  home  now.  Brother  Billins,  and 
erect  a  family  altar  in  your  own  house,"  whereupon  the  egrejis 
old  ass  went  home  and  built  a  reg'lar  pulpit  in  his  settin  room. 
He  had  the  jiners  in  his  house  over  four  days. 

I  am  56  (56)  years  of  age.  Time,  with  its  relentless  scythe 
is  ever  busy.  The  Old  Sexton  gathers  them  in,  he  gathers 
them  in  !     I  keep  a  pig  this  year. 

I  don't  think  of  anything  more,  Mr  Ed'ter. 

If  you  should  giv  my  portrait  in  connection  with  my  Bogfry, 
please  have  me  ingraved  in  a  languishin  attitood,  leanin  on  a 
marble  pillar,  leavin  my  back  hair  as  it  is  now. — Trooly  yours, 

Artemus  Ward. 


3.— THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK. 

The  stoodent  and  connyseer  must  have  noticed  and  admired 
in  varis  parts  of  the  United  States  of  America,  large  yeller 
handbills,  which  not  only  air  gems  of  art  in  theirselves,  but 
they  troothfully  sit  forth  the  attractions  of  my  show — a  show, 


256  THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK. 

let  me  here  obsarve,  that  contains  many  livin  wild  animils, 
every  one  of  which  has  got  a  Beautiful  Moral. 

Them  handbils  is  sculpt  *  in  New  York. 

&  I  annoolly  repair  here  to  git  some  more  on  um ; 

&,  bein  here,  I  tho't  I'd  issoo  a  Address  to  the  public  on 
matters  and  things. 

Since  last  I  meyandered  these  streets,  I  have  bin  all  over  the 
Pacific  Slopes  and  Utah.  I  cum  back  now,  with  my  virtoo 
unimpared,  but  I've  got  to  git  some  new  clothes. 

Many  changes  has  taken  place,  even  durin  my  short  ab- 
sence, &  sum  on  um  is  Solium  to  contempulate.  The  house  in 
Yarick  Street,!  where  I  used  to  Board,  is  bein  torn  down. 
That  house,  which  was  rendered  memoriable  by  my  livin  into 
it,  is  "  parsin  awaj^!  parsin  away!  "  But  some  of  the  timbers 
will  be  made  into  canes,  which  will  be  sold  to  my  admirers  at 
the  low  price  of  one  dollar  each.  Thus  is  changes  goin  on 
continerly.  In  the  New  World  it  is  war — in  the  Old  World 
Empires  is  totterin  &  Dysentaries  is  crumblin.  These  canes 
is  cheap  at  a  dollar. 

Sammy  Booth,  Duane  Street,  %  sculps  my  hanbills,  &  he 's  a 
artist.     He  studid  in  Eome — State  of  New  York. 

I  'm  here  to  read  the  proof-sheets  of  my  hanbils  as  fast  as 
they  're  sculpt.  You  have  to  watch  these  ere  printers  pretty 
close,  for  they  're  jest  as  apt  to  spel  a  word  rong  as  anyhow. 

But  I  have  time  to  look  round  sum  &  how  do  I  find  things  ? 
I  return  to  the  Atlantic  States  after  a  absence  of  ten  months, 
h  what  State  do  I  find  the  country  in  1.  Why,  I  don't  know 
what  State  I  find  it  in.  Suflfice  it  to  say,  that  I  do  not  find  it 
in  the  State  of  New  Jersey.  § 

*  "To  sculp,"  is  to  engrave  on  wood  or  any  other  substance. 

+  Artemus  "Ward  lived  in  Varick  Street,  Canal  Street,  New  York,  while 
editor  of  Vanity  Fair;  and  the  American  phrase  is  "where  I  board," 
not  "  where  I  lodge." 

t  A  well-known  printer  for  showmen  in  New  York. 

§  It  is  the  custom  among  the  New  Yorkers  to  ridicule  the  adjoining 
State  of  New  Jersey. 


THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK.  257 

I  find  sum  things  that  is  cheerin,  partic'ly  the  resolve  on 
the  part  of  the  wimin  of  America  to  stop  wearin  furrin  goods. 

I  never  meddle  with  my  wife's  things.  She  may  wear 
muslin  from  Greenland's  icy  mountins,  and  bombazeen  from 
Injy's  coral  strands,  if  she  wants  to ;  but  I  'm  glad  to  state 
that  that  superior  woman  has  peeled  off  all  her  furrin  clothes 
and  jumpt  into  fabrics  of  domestic  manufactur. 

But,  says  sum  folks,  if  you  stop  importin  things  you  stop 
the  revenoo.  That 's  all  right.  "We  can  stand  it  if  the  Revenoo 
can.  On  the  same  principle  young  men  should  continer  to  get 
drunk  on  French  brandy  and  to  smoke  their  livers  as  dry  as  a 
corncob  *  with  Cuby  cigars,  because  4-sooth  if  they  don't,  it 
will  hurt  the  Revenoo  !  This  talk  'bout  the  Revenoo  is  of  the 
bosh,  boshy.  One  thing  is  tol'bly  certin — if  we  don't  send 
gold  out  of  the  country  we  shall  have  the  consolation  of  know- 
ing that  it  is  in  the  country.  So  I  say  great  credit  is  doo  the 
wimin  for  this  patriotic  move — and  to  tell  the  trooth,  the 
wimin  genrally  know  what  they  're  'bout.  Of  all  the  blessing 
they  're  the  soothinist.  If  there  'd  never  bin  any  wimin,  where 
would  my  children  be  to-day  % 

But  I  hope  this  move  will  lead  to  other  moves  that  air  just 
as  much  needed,  one  of  which  is  a  genral  and  therrer  curtain- 
ment  of  expenses  all  round.  The  fact  is  we  air  gettin  ter'bly 
extravagant,  &  onless  we  paws  in  our  mad  career  in  less  than 
two  years  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  will  be  seen  dodgin  into  a 
Pawn  Broker's  shop  with  the  other  gown  done  up  in  a  bundle, 
even  if  she  don't  have  to  Spout  the  gold  stars  in  her  head- 
band. Let  us  all  take  hold  jintly,  and  live  and  dress  centsibly 
like  our  forefathers,  who  know'd  moren  we  do,  if  they  warn't 
quite  so  honest !    (Suttle  goaketh.) 

There  air  other  cheerin  signs.  We  don't,  forinstuns,  lack  great 
Gen'rals,  and  we  certinly  don't  lack  brave  sojers — but  there 's 
one  thing  I  wish  we  did  lack,  and  that  is  our  present  Congress. 

*  **  A  corncob"  is  the  husk  of  an  ear  of  Indian  com  after  the  edible 
portion  has  been  removed, 

K 


25 8  THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK. 

I  venture  to  say  that  if  you  sarch  the  earth  all  over  with  a 
ten-hoss  power  mikriscope,  you  won't  be  able  to  find  such 
another  pack  of  poppycock  *  gabblers  as  the  present  Congress 
of  the  United  States  of  America. 

Gentlemen  of  the  Senit  &  of  the  House,  you  've  sot  there 
and  draw'd  your  pay  and  made  summer- complaint  speeches 
long  enuff.  The  country  at  large,  incloodin  the  undersined, 
is  disgusted  with  you.  Why  don't  you  show  us  a  statesman — 
sumbody  who  can  make  a  speech  that  will  hit  the  pop'lar  hart 
right  under  the  Great  Public  weskit  %  Why  don't  you  show  us 
a  statesman  who  can  rise  up  to  the  Emergency,  and  cave  in 
the  Emergency's  head  ? 

Congress,  you  won't  do.  Go  home,  you  mizzerable  devils — 
go  home  ! 

At  a  special  Congressional  'lection  in  my  district  the  other 
dey  I  delib'ritly  voted  for  Henry  Clay.  I  admit  that  Henry  is 
dead,  but  inasmuch  as  we  don't  seem  to  have  a  live  statesman 
in  our  National  Congress,  let  us  by  all  means  have  a  first-class 
corpse. 

Them  who  think  that  a  cane  made  from  the  timbers  of  the 
house  I  once  boarded  in  is  essenshal  to  their  happiness,  should 
not  delay  about  sendin  the  money  right  on  for  one. 

And  now,  with  a  genuine  hurrar  for  the  wimin  who  air 
goin  to  abandin  furrin  goods,  and  another  for  the  patriotic 
everywheres,  I  '11  leave  public  matters  and  indulge  in  a  little 
pleasant  family-gossip. 

My  reported  captur  by  the  North  American  savijis  of  Utah, 
led  my  wide  circle  of  friends  and  creditors  to  think  that  I  had 
bid  adoo  to  earthly  things,  and  was  a  angel  playin  on  a  golden 
harp.     Hents  my  rival  home  was  onexpected. 

It  was  11  P.M.  when  I  reached  my  homestid  and  knocked  a 
healthy  knock  on  the  door  thereof. 

A  nightcap  thrusted  itself  out  of  the  front  chamber  winder. 
^Tt  was  my  Betsy's  nightcap.)     And  a  voice  said  : 

*  "  All  poppycock  ! "  Anglic^,  all  sound  and  fury,  signifying  nothing. 


THINGS  IN  NEW  YORK.  259 

•MVlioisit?" 

'*  It  is  a  Man  ! "  I  answered,  in  a  gruff  vois. 

"  I  don't  b'lieve  it !  "  she  sed. 

"  Then  come  down  and  search  me,"  I  replied. 

Then  resumin  my  nat'ral  voice,  I  said,  "  It  is  your  own  A, 
W.,  Betsy  !     Sweet  lady,  wake  !     Ever  of  thou  ! " 

"  Oh,"  she  said,  "  it 's  you,  is  it  ?  I  thought  I  smelt  somo 
thing." 

But  the  old  girl  was  glad  to  see  me. 

In  the  mornin  I  found  that  my  family  were  entertainin  a 
artist  from  Philadelphy,  who  was  there  paintin  some  startlin 
waterfalls  and  mountins,  and  I  morin  suspected  he  had  a  han- 
kerin  for  my  oldest  dauter. 

**  Mr  Skimmerhorn,  father,"  sed  my  dauter. 

"  Glad  to  see  you,  sir  1"  I  replied  in  a  hospittle  vois — "  glad 
to  see  you." 

"  He  is  an  artist,  father,"  sed  my  child. 

"  A  whichist  ?" 

*'  An  artist.     A  painter." 

"And  glazier?"  I  askt.  "Air  you  a  painter  and  glazier, 
sir?" 

My  dauter  and  wife  was  mad,  but  I  couldn't  help  it,  I  felt 
in  a  comikil  mood. 

"  It  is  a  wonder  to  me,  sir,"  said  the  artist,  "  considerin  what 
a  wide-spread  reputation  you  have,  that  some  of  our  Eastern 
managers  don't  secure  you." 

"  It 's  a  wonder  to  mo^"  said  I  to  my  wife,  "  that  somebody 
don't  secure  him  with  a  chain." 

After  breakfast  I  went  over  to  town  to  see  my  old  friends. 
The  editor  of  the  Bugle  greeted  me  cordyully,  and  showed  me 
the  follerin  article  he  'd  just  written  about  the  paper  on  the 
other  side  of  the  street : — 

"  We  have  recently  put  up  in  our  office  an  entirely  new  sink, 
of  unique  construction — with  two  holes  through  which  the 
soiled  water  may  pass  to  the  new  bucket  underneath.     What 


26o  IN  CANADA. 

will  the  Iiell-liounds  of  The  Advertiser  say  to  this  1  We  shall 
continue  to  make  improvements  as  fast  as  our  rapidly-increas- 
ing business  may  warrant.  Wonder  whether  a  certain  Editor's 
wife  thinks  she  can  palm  off  a  brass  watch-chain  on  this  com- 
munity for  a  gold  oneV 

*'  That,"  says  the  editor,  "  hits  him  whar  he  lives.  That 
will  close  him  up  as  bad  as  it  did  when  I  wrote  an  article 
ridicooling  his  sister,  who 's  got  a  cock-eye." 

A  few  days  after  my  return  I  was  shown  a  young  man,  who 
says  he  '11  be  Dam  if  he  goes  to  the  war.  He  was  settin  on  a 
barrel,  &  was  indeed  a  Loathsum  objeck. 

Last  Sunday  I  heard  Parson  Batkins  preach,  and  the  good 
old  man  preached  well,  too,  tho'  his  prayer  was  rather  lengthy. 
The  editor  of  the  Bugle,  who  was  with  me,  said  that  prayei 
would  make  fifteen  squares,  solid  nonparil. 

I  don't  think  of  nothin  more  to  write  about.  So,  "  B'leeve 
me  if  all  those  endearing  young  charms,"  &c.,  &c. 

A.  Ward. 


4.— IN  CANADA. 

I'm  at  present  existin  under  a  monikal  form  of  Gov'ment.  In 
other  words  I'm  travelHn  among  the  crowned  beds  of  Canady. 
They  ai'n't  pretty  bad  people.  On  the  cont'ry,  they  air  ex- 
ceedin  good  people. 

Troo,  they  air  deprived  of  many  blessins.  They  don't 
enjoy,  for  instans,  the  priceless  boon  of  a  war.  They  haven't 
any  American  Egil  to  onchain,  and  they  hain't  got  a  Fourth 
of  July  to  their  backs. 

Altho'  this  is  a  monikal  form  of  Gov'ment,  I  am  onable  to 
perceeve  much  moniky.  I  tried  to  git  a  piece  in  Toronto,  but 
failed  to  succeed. 

Mrs  Victoria,  who  is  Queen  of  England,  and  has  all  the 
luxuries  of  the  markets,  incloodin  game  in  its  season,  don't 


IN  CANADA,  261 

bother  herself  much  about  Canady,  but  lets  her  do  'bout  as 
she's  mighter.  She,  however,  gin'rally  keeps  her  supplied 
with  a  lord,  who 's  called  a  Gov'ner  Gin'ral.  Sometimes  the 
politicians  of  Canady  make  it  lively  for  this  lord — for  Canady 
has  politicians,  and  I  expect  they  don't  differ  from  our  politi- 
cians, some  of  'em  bein  gifted  and  talented  liars,  no  doubt. 

The  present  Gov'ner  Gin'ral  of  Canady  is  Lord  Monk.  I 
saw  him  review  some  volunteers  at  Montreal.  He  was  accom- 
panied by  some  other  lords  and  dukes  and  generals  and  those 
sort  of  things.  He  rode  a  little  bay  horse,  and  his  close  wasn't 
any  better  than  mine.  You  '11  always  notiss,  by  the  way,  that 
the  higher  up  in  the  world  a  man  is,  the  less  good  harness  he 
puts  on.  Hence  Gin'ral  Halleck  walks  the  streets  in  plain 
citizen's  dress,  while  the  second  lieutenant  of  a  volunteer 
regiment  piles  all  the  brass  things  he  can  find  onto  his  back, 
and  drags  a  forty-pound  sword  after  him. 

Monk  has  been  in  the  lord  bisniss  some  time,  and  I  under- 
stand it  pays,  tho'  I  don't  know  what  a  lord's  wages  is.  The 
wages  of  sin  is  death.  But  this  has  nothing  to  do  with 
Monk. 

One  of  Lord  Monk's  daughters  rode  with  him  on  the  field. 
She  has  golden  hair,  a  kind  good  face,  and  wore  a  red  hat.  I 
should  be  very  happy  to  have  her  pay  me  and  my  family  a 
visit  at  Baldinsville.  Come  and  bring  your  knittin.  Miss 
Monk.  Mrs  Ward  will  do  the  fair  thing  by  you.  She  makes 
the  best  slap-jacks  in  America.  As  a  slap-jackist,  she  has  no 
ekal.     She  wears  the  Belt. 

What  the  review  was  all  about,  I  don't  know.  I  haven't  a 
gigantic  intelleck,  which  can  grasp  great  questions  at  onct.  I 
am  not  a  Webster  or  a  Seymour.*  I  am  not  a  Washington  or 
a  Old  Abe.  Fur  from  it.  I  am  not  as  gifted  a  man  as  Henry 
Ward  Beecher.  Even  the  congregation  of  Plymouth  Meetin- 
House   n  Brooklyn  will  admit  that.     Yes,  I  should  think  so. 

*  Governor  Seymour  was  at  the  time  this  was  written  the  popular 
Democratic  governor  of  the  State  of  New  York. 


262  IN  CANADA. 

But  while  I  don't  have  the  slitest  idee  as  to  what  the  review 
was  fur,  I  will  state  that  the  sojers  looked  pretty  scrumptious 
in  their  red  and  green  close. 

Come  with  me,  gentle  reader,  to  Quebeck.  Quebeck  was 
surveyed  and  laid  out  by  a  gentleman  who  had  been  afflicted 
with  the  delirium  tremens  from  childhood,  and  hence  his  idees 
of  things  was  a  little  irreg'ler.  The  streets  don't  lead  any- 
wheres in  partic'ler,  but  everywheres  in  gin'ral.  The  city  is 
bilt  on  a  variety  of  perpendicler  hills,  each  hill  bein  a  trifle 
wuss  nor  t'other  one.  Quebeck  is  full  of  stone  walls,  and 
arches,  and  citadels,  and  things.  It  is  said  no  foe  could  ever 
get  into  Quebeck,  and  I  guess  they  couldn't.  And  I  don't  see 
what  they'd  want  to  get  in  there  for. 

Quebeck  has  seen  lively  times  in  a  warlike  way.  The 
French  and  Britishers  had  a  set-to  there  in  1759.  Jim  Wolfe 
commanded  the  latters,  and  Jo  Montcalm  the  formers.  Both 
were  hunky  boys,  and  fit  nobly.  But  "Wolfe  was  too  many 
measles  for  Montcalm,  and  the  French  was  slew'd.  Wolfe 
>nd  Montcalm  was  both  killed.  In  arter  years  a  common 
monyment  was  erected  by  the  gen'rous  people  of  Quebeck, 
aided  by  a  bully  Earl  named  George  Dalhousie,  to  these  noble 
fellows.     That  was  well  done. 

Durin  the  Eevolutionary  War  B.  Arnold*  made  his  way, 
through  dense  woods  and  thick  snows,  from  Maine  to  Que- 
beck, which  it  was  one  of  the  hunkiest  things  ever  done  in 
the  military  line.  It  would  have  been  better  if  B.  Arnold's 
funeral  had  come  off  immediately  on  his  arrival  there. 

On  the  Plains  of  Abraham  there  was  onct  some  tall  fitin, 
and  ever  since  then  there  has  been  a  great  demand  for  the 
bones  of  the  slew'd  on  that  there  occassion.  But  the  real 
ginooine  bones  was  long  ago  carried  off,  and  now  the  boys 
make  a  hansum  thing  by  cartin  the  bones  of  bosses  and  sheep 
out  there,  and  sellin  'em  to  intelligent  American  towerists. 

*  Benedict  Arnold,  whom  Americans  always  stigmatise  as  "  the  traitor 
Arnold." 


IN  CANADA.  263 

Takiu  a  perfessional  view  of  this  dodge,  I  must  say  that  it 
betrays  genius  of  a  lorfty  character. 

It  reminded  me  of  an  inspired  feet  of  my  own.  I  used  to 
exhibit  a  wax  figure  of  Henry  Wilkins,  the  Boy  Murderer. 
Henry  had,  in  a  moment  of  inadvertence,  killed  his  Uncle 
Ephram,  and  walked  off  with  the  old  man's  money.  Well,  this 
stattoo  was  lost  somehow,  and  not  sposin  it  would  make  any 
particler  difference,  I  substitooted  the  full-grown  stattoo  of  one 
of  my  distinguished  piruts  for  the  Boy  Murderer.  One  night 
I  exhibited  to  a  poor  but  honest  audience  in  the  town  of  Stone- 
ham,  Maine.  "  This,  ladies  and  gentlemen,"  said  I,  pointing 
my  umbrella  (that  weapon  which  is  indispensable  to  every 
troo  American)  to  the  stattoo,  "  this  is  a  life-like  wax  figgei 
of  the  notorious  Henry  Wilkins,  who  in  the  dead  of  night 
murdered  his  Uncle  Ephram  in  cold  blood.  A  sad  warning 
to  all  uncles  havin  murderers  for  nephews.  When  a  mere 
child  this  Henry  Wilkins  was  compelled  to  go  to  the  Sunday- 
school.  He  carried  no  Sunday-school  book.  The  teacher 
told  him  to  go  home  and  bring  one.  He  went,  and  returned 
with  a  comic  song  book.     A  depraved  proceedin." 

'*  But,"  says  a  man  in  the  audience,  "when  you  was  here 
before  your  wax  figure  represented  Henry  Wilkins  as  a  boy. 
Now,  Henry  was  hung,  and  yet  you  show  him  to  us  now  as  a 
full-grown  man.     How 's  that  ? " 

"The  figger  has  growd,  sir — it  has  growd,"  I  said. 

I  was  angry.  If  it  had  been  in  these  times  I  think  I  should 
have  informed  agin  him  as  a  traitor  to  his  flag,  and  had  him 
put  in  Fort  Lafayette. 

I  say  adoo  to  Quebeck  with  regret.  It  is  old  fogyish,  but 
chock  full  of  interest.  Young  gentlemen  of  a  romantic  turn 
of  mind,  who  air  botherin  their  heads  as  to  how  they  can 
spend  their  father's  money,  had  better  see  Quebeck. 

Altogether  I  like  Canady.  Good  people,  and  lots  of  pretty 
girls.  I  wouldn't  mind  comin  over  here  to  live  in  the  capacity 
of  a  Duke,  provided  a  vacancy  occurs,  and  provided  further,  I 


264  THE  NOBLE  RED  MAN. 

could  be  allowed  a  few  star-spangled  banners,  a  eagle,  a  boon 
©f  liberty,  etc. 

Don't  think  I've  skedaddled.  Not  at  all.  -I'm  coming 
home  in  a  week. 

Let 's  have  the  Union  restored  as  it  was,  if  we  can ;  but  if 
we  can't,  Pm  in  favour  of  the  Union  as  it  wasnH.  But  the 
Union  anyhow. 

Gentlemen  of  the  editorial  corps,  if  you  would  be  happy  be 
virtoous  !    I,  who  am  the  emblem  of  virtoo,  tell  you  so. 

(Signed)        «A.  Ward." 


5.— THE  NOBLE  RED  MAN. 

The  red  man  of  the  forest  was  form'ly  a  very  respectful  person 
Justice  to  the  noble  aboorygine  warrants  me  in  sayin  that  of 
orrigemerly  he  was  a  majestic  cuss. 

At  the  time  Chris,  arrove  on  these  shores  (I  allood  to  Chris. 
Columbus),  the  savajis  was  virtoous  and  happy.  They  were 
innocent  of  secession,  rum,  drawpoker,*  and  sinfulness  gin'rally. 
They  didn't  discuss  the  slavery  question  as  a  custom.  They 
had  no  Congress,  faro  banks,  delirium  tremens,  or  Associated 
Press.  Their  habits  was  consequently  good.  Late  suppers, 
dyspepsj'',  gas  companies,  thieves,  ward  politicians,  pretty 
waiter-girls,  and  other  metropolitan  refinements,  were  un- 
known among  them.  No  savage  in  good  standing  would  take 
postage-stamps.  You  couldn't  have  bo't  a  coon  skin  with  a 
barrel  of  'em.  The  female  aboorygine  never  died  of  consump- 
tion, because  she  didn't  tie  her  waist  up  in  whalebone  things ; 
but  in  loose  and  flowin  garments  she  bounded,  with  naked 
feet,  over  hills  and  plains  like  the  wild  and  frisky  antelope. 
It  was  a  onlucky  moment  for  us  when  Chris,  sot  his  foot  onto 
these  ere  shores.      It  would  have  been  better  for  us  of  the 

*  "  Draw-pocker  "  is  a  game  of  cards  very  commonly  played  on  the  Mis- 
sissippi steamers  and  elsewhere. 


THE  SERENADE.  265 

present  day  if  the  injins  had  given  him  a  wann  meal  and  sent 
him  home  ore  the  ragin  billers.  For  the  savages  owned  the 
country,  and  Columbus  was  a  fillibuster.  Cortez,  Pizarro,  and 
Walker  were  one-horse  fillibusters— Columbus  was  a  four-horse 
team  fillibuster,  and  a  large  yaller  dog  under  the  waggin.  I 
say,  in  view  of  the  mess  we  are  makin  of  things,  it  would  have 
been  better  for  us  if  Columbus  had  staid  to  home.  It  would 
have  been  better  for  the  show  bisniss.  The  circulation  of 
Vanity  Fair*  would  be  larger,  and  the  proprietors  would  all 
have  boozum  pins !     Yes,  sir,  and  perhaps  a  ten-pin  alley. 

By  which  I  don't  wish  to  be  understood  as  intimatin  that 
the  scalpin  wretches  who  are  in  the  injin  bisniss  at  the  pre- 
sent day  are  of  any  account,  or  calculated  to  make  home 
happy,  specially  the  Sioxes  of  Minnesoty,  who  desarve  to  be 
murdered  in  the  first  degree,  and  if  Popet  will  only  stay  in 
St  Paul  and  not  go  near  'em  himself,  I  reckon  they  will  be. 


6.— THE  SERENADE. 

Things  in  our  town  is  workin.  The  canal  boat  Lucy  Ann 
called  in  here  the  other  day  and  reported  all  quiet  on  the 
Wabash.  The  Lacy  Ann  has  adopted  a  new  style  of  Bin- 
nakle  light,  in  the  shape  of  a  red-headed  girl,  who  sits  up  over 
the  compass.     It  works  well. 

The  artist  I  spoke  about  in  my  larst  has  returned  to  Phila- 
delphy.  Before  he  left  I  took  his  lily-white  hand  in  mine.  I 
suggested  to  him  that  if  he  could  induce  the  citizens  of  Phila- 
delphy  to  believe  it  would  be  a  good  idea  to  have  white  winder- 
shutters  on  their  houses  and  white  door-stones,  he  might  make 
a  fortin.  "  It 's  a  novelty,"  I  added,  "  and  may  startle  'em  at 
fust,  but  they  may  conclood  to  adopt  it." 

*  At  the  time  of  writing,  Artemus  Ward  was  editor  of  this  periodical 
It  is  long  defunct. 

+  General  Pope,  after  his  failure  in  Virginia,  was  sent  to  fight  the  Indiana 
in  the  North-West. 


266  THE  SERENADE. 

As  several  of  our  public  men  are  constantly  being  surprised 
with  serenades,  I  concluded  I  'd  be  surprised  in  the  same  way, 
so  I  made  arrangements  accordin.  I  asked  the  Brass  Band 
how  much  they  'd  take  to  take  me  entirely  by  surprise  with  a 
serenade.  They  said  they  'd  overwhelm  me  with  a  unexpected 
honour  for  seven  dollars,  which  I  excepted. 

I  wrote  out  my  impromptoo  speech  severil  days  beforehand, 
bein  very  careful  to  expunge  all  ingramatticisms  and  payin 
particler  attention  to  the  punktooation.  It  was,  if  I  may  say 
it  without  egitism,  a  manly  effort ;  but,  alars  !  I  never  delivered 
it,  as  the  sekel  will  show  you.  I  paced  up  and  down  the 
kitchin  speakin  my  piece  over  so  as  to  be  entirely  perfeck. 
My  bloomin  young  daughter,  Sarah  Ann,  bothered  me  summut 
by  singin,  "  Why  do  summer  roses  fade  % " 

"  Because,"  said  I,  arter  hearin  her  sing  it  about  fourteen 
times,  "  because  it 's  their  biz  !     Let  'em  fade." 

"  Betsy,"  said  I,  pausin  in  the  middle  of  the  room  and  let- 
ting my  eagle  eye  wander  from  the  manuscrip — "  Betsy,  on  the 
night  of  this  here  serenade,  I  desires  you  to  appear  at  the 
winder  dressed  in  white,  and  wave  a  lily-white  handkercher. 
D'ye  hear?" 

"  If  I  appear,"  said  that  remarkable  female,  "  I  shall  wave  a 
lily-white  bucket  of  bilin  hot  water,  and  somebody  will  be 
scalded.     One  bald-headed  old  fool  will  get  Ms  share." 

She  refer'd  to  her  husband.  No  doubt  about  it  in  my  mind. 
But  for  fear  she  might  exasperate  me  I  said  nothin. 

The  expected  night  cum.  At  nine  o'clock  precisely  there 
was  sounds  of  footsteps  in  the  yard,  and  the  Band  struck  up  a 
lively  air,  which  when  they  did  finish  it,  there  was  cries  of 
"  Ward  !  Ward  ! "  I  stept  out  onto  the  portico.  A  brief 
glance  showed  me  that  the  assemblage  was  summut  mixed. 
There  was  a  great  many  ragged  boys,  and  there  was  quite  a 
number  of  grown-up  persons  evigently  under  the  affluence  of 
the  intoxicatin  bole.  The  Band  was  also  drunk.  Dr  Schwazey, 
who  was  holdin  up  a  post,  seemed  to  be  partic'ly  drunk — so 


.  THE  SERENADE.  267 

much  so  that  it  had  got  into  his  spectacles,  which  were  stag- 
gerin  wildly  over  his  nose.  But  I  was  in  for  it,  and  I  com- 
menced : — 

''  Feller  Citizens, — For  this  onexpected  honor " 

Leader  of  the  Band. — Will  you  give  us  our  money  now,  or 
wait  till  you  git  through  ] " 

To  this  painful  and  disgustin  interruption  I  paid  no 
attention. 

" for  this  onexpected  honor,  I  thank  you." 

Leader  of  the  Band. — But  you  said  you'd  give  us  seven 
dollars  if  we  'd  play  two  choons." 

Again  I  didn't  notice  him,  but  resumed  as  follows  : — 

"  I  say,  I  thank  you  warmly.     When  I  look  at  this  crowd 

of  true  Americans,  my  heart  swells " 

Dr  Schioazey. — So  do  I ! 
A  voice. — We  all  do  ! 

" my  heart  swells ^" 

A  voice. — Three  cheers  for  the  swells. 

"  We  live,"  said  I,  "  in  troublous  times,  but  I  hope  we  shall 
again  resume  our  former  proud  position,  and  go  on  in  our 
glorious  career ! " 

Dr  Schwazey. — I  'm  willin  for  one  to  go  on  in  a  glorious 
career  !  Will  you  join  me,  fellow  citizens,  in  a  glorious  career  1 
What  wages  does  a  man  git  for  a  glorious  career,  when  he  finds 
himself? 

"  Dr  Schwazey,"  said  I,  sternly,  "  you  are  drunk.  You  're 
distiirbin  the  meetin." 

Dr  S. — Have  you  a  banquet  spread  in  the  house  ?  I  should 
like  a  rhynossyross  on  the  half  shell,  or  a  hippopotamus  on 
toast,  or  a  horse  and  wagon  roasted  whole.  Anything  that 's 
handy.     Don't  put  yourself  out  on  my  account. 

At  this  pint  the  Band  begun  to  make  hidyous  noises  with 
their  brass  horns,  and  an  exceedingly  ragged  boy  wanted  to 
know  if  there  wasn't  to  be  some  wittles  afore  the  concern 
broke  up  ?     I  didn't  exactly  know  what  to  do,  and  was  just 


268  A  ROMANCE.— WILLIAM  BARKER. 

on  the  pint  of  doin  it,  when  a  upper  winder  suddenly  opened 
and  a  stream  of  hot  water  was  bro't  to  bear  on  the  disorderly 
crowd,  who  took  the  hint  and  retired  at  once. 

When  I  am  taken  by  surprise  with  another  serenade,  I  shall, 
among  other  arrangements,  have  a  respectful  company  on 
hand.  So  no  more  from  me  to-day.  When  this  you  see, 
remember  me. 


7.— A  ROMANCE.— WILLIAM  BARKER,  THE  YOUNG 
PATRIOT. 

I. 

"  No,  William  Barker,  you  cannot  have  my  daughter's  hand 
in  marriage  until  you  are  her  equal  in  wealth  and  social 
position." 

The  speaker  was  a  haughty  old  man  of  some  sixty  years, 
and  the  person  whom  he  addressed  was  a  fine-looking  young 
man  of  twenty-five. 

With  a  sad  aspect  the  young  man  withdrew  from  the  stately 
mansion. 

n. 

Six  months  later  the  young  man  stood  in  the  presence  of  the 
haughty  old  man. 

"  What !  you  here  again  1 "  angrily  cried  the  old  man. 

"  Ay,  old  man,"  proudly  exclaimed  William  Barker,  "  I  am 
here,  your  daughter's  equal  and  yours  !  " 

The  old  man's  lips  curled  with  scorn.  A  derisive  smile  lit 
up  his  cold  features ;  when,  casting  violently  upon  the  marble 
centre  table  an  enormous  roll  of  greenbacks,  William  Barker 
cried  : — 

*'  See  !  Look  on  this  wealth.  And  I  've  tenfold  more  ! 
Listen,  old  man  !  You  spurned  me  from  your  door.  But  I 
did  not  despair.  I  secured  a  contract  for  furnishing  the  Army 
of  the with  beef " 


A  ROMANCE.— THE  CONSCRIPT,  269 

"  Yes,  yes  !  "  eagerly  exclaimed  the  old  man. 

" and  I  bought  up  a*    the  disabled  cavalry  horses  I 

could  find " 


"  I  see  !  I  see  ! "  cried  the  old  man.  "  And  good  beef  they 
make,  too." 

"  They  do  !  they  do  !  and  the  profits  are  immense." 

"  I  should  say  so  !  " 

"  And  now,  sir,  I  claim  your  daughter's  fair  hand  ! " 

"  Boy,  she  is  yours.  But  hold !  Look  me  in  the  eye. 
Throughout  all  this  have  you  been  loyal  1 " 

"  To  the  core !  "  cried  William  Barker. 

"And,"  continued  the  old    man,  in  a  voice  husky  with 
emotion,  "  are  you  in  favour  of  a  vigorous  prosecution  of  the 
war?" 
'  "lam!  lam!" 

"  Then,  boy,  take  her  !  Maria,  child,  come  hither.  Your 
William  claims  thee.  Be  happy,  my  children !  and  whatever 
our  lot  in  life  may  be,  let  us  all  m;pport  the  Government  J "  * 


8.— A  ROMANCE.— THE  CONSCRIPT. 

[Which  may  bother  the  reader  a  little,  unless  he  is  familiar  with  the 
music  of  the  day.] 

CHAPTER  I. 

Philander  Reed  struggled  with  spool- thread  t  and  tape  in 
a  dry-goods  store  at  Ogdensburgh,  on  the  St  Lawrence  River, 
State  of  New  York.  He  Rallied  Round  the  Flag,  Boys, J  and 
Hailed  Columbia  every  time  she  passed  that  way.     One  day, 

•  Aimed  as  this  arrow  (the  whole  chapter)  was  against  the  Shoddyites 
in  the  days  of  Shoddy,  the  reader  can  understand  how  the  shaft  went 
home. 

t  It  is  a  spool  of  cotton,  not  a  reel,  in  the  States. 

X  Nearly  all  the  phrases  in  this  sketch  are  titles  of  American  songs 
popular  during  the  war. 


270  A  ROMANCE,-^THE  CONSCRIPT, 

a  regiment  returning  from  the  war  Came  Marching  Along, 
bringing  An  Intelligent  Contraband  with  them,  who  left  the 
South  about  the  time  Babylon  was  a-Fallin,  and  when  it  was 
apparent  to  all  well-ordered  minds  that  the  Kingdom  was 
Coming,  accompanied  by  the  Day  of  Jubiloo.  Philander  left 
his  spool-thread  and  tape,  rushed  into  the  street,  and  by  his 
Long-Tail  Blue,  said,  "  Let  me  kiss  him  for  his  Mother." 
Then,  with  patriotic  jocularity,  he  inquired,  "  How  is  your 
High  Daddy  in  the  Morning  ? "  to  which  Pomp  of  Cudjo's 
Cave  replied,  "  That  poor  Old  Slave  has  gone  to  rest,  we  ne'er 
shall  see  him  more  !  But  U.  S.  G.  is  the  man  for  me,  or  Any 
Other  Man."     Then  he  Walked  Round. 

"And  your  Master,"  said  Philander,  "where  is  he?  " 

"  Massa  's  in  the  cold,  cold  ground — at  least  I  hope  so  !/* 
said  the  gay  contraband. 

"  March  on,  March  on !  all  hearts  rejoice ! "  cried  the 
Colonel,  who  was  mounted  on  a  Bob-tailed  nag — on  which,  in 
times  of  Peace,  my  soul,  0  Peace  !  he  had  betted  his  money. 

"  Yaw,"  said  a  German  Bold  Sojer  Boy,  "  we  don't-fights- 
mit-Segel  as  much  as  we  did." 

The  regiment  marched  on,  and  Philander  betook  himself  to 
his  mother's  Cottage  near  the  Banks  of  that  Lone  River,  and 
rehearsed  the  stirring  speech  he  was  to  make  that  night  at  a 
war  meeting. 

"  It 's  just  before  the  battle,  Mother,"  he  said,  "  and  I  want 
to  say  something  that  will  encourage  Grant." 

CHAPTER  II. — MABEL. 

Mabel  Tucker  was  an  orphan.  Her  father,  Dan  Tucker, 
was  run  over  one  day  by  a  train  of  cars,  though  he  needn't 
have  been,  for  the  kind-hearted  engineer  told  him  to  Git  Out 
of  the  Way. 

Mabel  early  manifested  a  marked  inclination  for  the  millinery 
business,  and  at  the  time  we  introduce  her  to  our  readers,  she 


A  ROMANCE.— THE  CONSCRIPT.  271 

was  Chief  Engineer  of  a  Millinery  Shop  and  Boss  of  a  Sewing 
Machine. 

Philander  Reed  loved  Mabel  Tucker,  and  Ever  of  her  was 
Fondly  Dreaming ;  and  she  used  to  say,  "  Will  you  love  me 
Then  as  Now?"  to  which  he  would  answer  that  he  would, 
and  without  the  written  consent  of  his  parents. 

She  sat  in  the  parlour  of  the  Cot  where  she  was  Born,  one 
Summer's  eve,  with  pensive  thought,  when  Somebody  came 
Knocking  at  the  Door.  It  was  Philander.  Fond  Embrace 
and  things.  Thrilling  emotions.  P.  very  pale,  and  shaky  on 
the  legs.     Also,  sweaty. 

"  Where  hast  thou  been  1 "  she  said.  "  Hast  been  gathering 
shells  from  youth  to  age,  and  then  leaving  them  like  a  che-eild  ] 
Why  this  tremors  ?     Why  these  Sadfulness  ? " 

*'  Mabeyuel !  "  he  cried,  "  Mabeyuel !  They  Ve  Drafted  me 
into  the  Army  !  " 

An  Orderly  Seargeant  now  appears  and  says,  "  Come,  Phil- 
ander, let 's  be  a  marching  ;  "  and  he  tore  her  from  his  embrace 
(P.'s),  and  marched  the  conscript  to  the  Examining  Surgeon's 
office. 

Mabel  fainted  in  two  places.  It  was  worse  than  Brothers 
Fainting  at  the  Door. 

CHAPTER  in. — THE  CONSCRIPT. 

Philander  Reed  hadn't  three  hundred  dollars,  being  a  dead- 
broken  Reed,  so  he  must  either  become  one  of  the  noble  Band 
who  are  Coming,  Father  Abraham,  three  hundred  thousand 
more,  or  skedaddle  across  the  St  Lawrence  River  to  the  Canada 
Line.  As  his  opinions  had  recently  undergone  a  radical 
change,  he  chose  the  latter  course,  and  was  soon  Afloat,  afloat, 
on  the  swift  rolling  tide.  "Row,  brothers,  row,"  he  cried, 
"  the  stream  runs  fast,  the  Seargeant  is  near,  and  the  'Zamina- 
tion  's  past,  and  I  'm  a  able-bodied  man." 

Landing,  he  at  once  imprinted  a  conservative  kiss  on  the 
Canada  Line,  and  feelingly  asked  himself,  "  Who  will  care  for 


272  A  ROMANCE.— THE  CONSCRIPT, 

Mother  now  %    But  I  propose  to  stick  it  out  on  tliis  Line,  if  it 
takes  all  Summer." 

CHAPTER  IV.— THE  MEETING. 

It  was  evening,  it  was.  The  Star  of  the  Evening,  Beautiful 
Star,  shone  brilliantly,  adorning  the  sky  with  those  Neutral 
tints  which  have  characterised  all  British  skies  ever  since  this 
War  broke  out. 

Philander  sat  on  the  Canada  Line,  playing  with  his  Yard- 
stick, and  perhaps  about  to  take  the  measure  of  an  unmade 
piece  of  calico ;  when  Mabel,  with  a  wild  cry  of  joy,  sprang 
from  a  small  boat  to  his  side.  The  meeting  was  too  much. 
They  divided  a  good  square  faint  between  them  this  time.  At 
last  Philander  found  his  utterance,  and  said,  "  Do  they  think 
of  me  at  Home,  do  they  ever  think  of  me  1 " 

"  No,"  she  replied,  "  but  they  do  at  the  recruiting  office." 

"  Ha !  ^tis  well." 

"  Nay,  dearest,"  Mabel  pleaded,  "  come  home  and  go  to  the 
war  Hke  a  man  !  I  will  take  your  place  in  the  Dry  Goods 
store.  True,  a  musket  is  a  little  heavier  than  a  yardstick,  but 
isn't  it  a  rather  more  manly  weapon  ?  " 

"  I  don't  see  it,"  was  Philander's  reply ;  "  besides,  this  wai 
isn't  conducted  accordin  to  the  Constitution  and  Union.  When 
it  is — when  it  is,  Mabeyuel,  I  will  return  and  enlist  as  a  Con- 
valescent ! " 

"  Then,  sir,"  she  said,  with  much  American  disgust  in  hei 
countenance — "  then,  sir,  farewell ! " 

"  Farewell ! "  he  said,  "  and  When  this  Cruel  War  is  Over, 
pray  that  we  may  meet  again !  " 

"  Nary  ! "  cried  Mabel,  her  eyes  flashing  warm  fire, — "  nary  I 
None  but  the  brave  deserve  the  Sanitary  Fair !  A  man 
who  will  desert  his  country  in  its  hour  of  trial  would  drop 
Faro  checks*  into  the  Contribution  Box  on  Sunday.     I  hain't 

*  The  pieces  of   ivory   used   by  gamblers    in    playing    the  game   of 


A  ROMANCE.— ONLY  A  MECHANIC.  273 

Got  time  to  tarry — I  hain't  got  time  to  stay  ! — but  here 's  a 
gift  at  parting :  a  White  Feather  :  wear  it  into  your  hat ! "  and 
She  was  Gone  from  his  gaze,  like  a  beautiful  dream. 

Stung  with  remorse  and  mosquitoes,  this  miserable  young 
man,  in  a  fit  of  frenzy,  unsheathed  his  glittering  dry-goods 
scissors,  cut  off  four  yards  (good  measure)  of  the  Canada  Line, 
and  hanged  h^jnself  on  a  Willow  Tree.  Requiescat  in  Tape. 
His  stick  drifted  to  My  Country  'tis  of  thee  !  and  may  be  seen, 
in  connection  with  many  others,  on  the  stage  of  any  New  York 
.theatre  every  night. 

The  Canadiars  won't  have  any  Line  pretty  soon.  The 
skedaddlers  will  steal  it.  Then  the  Canadians  won't  know 
whether  they  're  in  the  United  States  or  not,  in  which  case 
they  may  be  drafixed. 

Mabel  married  a  Brigadier-General,  and  is  happy. 


9.— A  ROMANCE.— ONLY  A  MECHANIC. 

In  a  sumptuously  furnished  parlour  in  Fifth  Avenue,  New 
York,  sat  a  proud  and  haughty  belle.  Her  name  was  Isabel 
Sawtelle.  Her  father  was  a  millionaire,  and  his  ships,  richly 
laden,  ploughed  many  a  sea. 

By  the  side  of  Isabel  Sawtelle  sat  a  young  man,  with  a  dear, 
beautiful  eye,  and  a  massive  brow. 

"  I  must  go,"  he  said ;  "  the  foreman  will  wonder  at  my 
absence." 

"  The  foreman  ?  "  asked  Isabel,  in  a  tone  of  surprise. 

"  Yes,  the  foreman  of  the  shop  where  I  work." 

"  Foreman — shop — work!    What !  do  you  work ? " 

"  Ay,  Miss  Sawtelle!     I  am  a  cooper!"  and  his  eyes  flashed 
with  honest  pride. 

"  What 's  that  ? "  she  asked ;  "  it  is  something  about  barrels, 
isn't  it  1" 

8 


274  BOSTON. 

"  It  is  I "  he  said,  with  a  flashing  nostril.     "  And   hogs- 
heads." 

"  Then  go ! "  she  said,  in  a  tone  of  disdain — "  go  awayV* 
"Ha!"  he  cried,  "you  spurn  me,  then,  because  I  am  a 
mechanic.  Well,  be  it  so  !  though  the  time  will  come,  Isabel 
Sawtelle,"  he  added — and  nothing  could  exceed  his  looks  at  this 
moment — '*  when  you  will  bitterly  remember  the  cooper  you 
now  so  cruelly  cast  of!     Farewell  T 


Years  rolled  on.  Isabel  Sawtelle  married  a  miserable  axis-  ^ 
tocrat,  who  recently  died  of  delirium  tremens.  Her  father 
failed,  and  is  now  a  raving  maniac,  and  wants  to  bite  little 
children.  All  her  brothers  (except  one)  were  sent  to  the  peni- 
tentiary for  burglary,  and  her  mother  peddles  clams  that  are 
stolen  for  her  by  little  George,  her  only  son  that  has  his  free- 
dom. Isabel's  sister,  Bianca,  rides  an  immoral  spotted  horse 
in  the  circus,  lier  husband  having  long  since  been  hanged  for 
murdering  his  own  uncle  on  his  mother's  side.  Thus  we  see 
that  it  is  always  best  to  marry  a  mechanic. 


lo.— BOSTON. 


A.  W.  TO  HIS  WIFE.* 

Dear  Betsy, — I  write  you  this  from  Boston,  "  the  Modern 
Atkins,"  as  it  is  denomyunated,  altho'  I  skurcely  know  what 
those  air.  I'll  giv  you  a  kursoory  view  of  this  city.  I'll 
klassify  the  paragrafs  under  seprit  headins,  arter  the  stile  of 
those  Emblems  of  Trooth  and  Poority,  the  Washington  corres- 
pongdents : — 

COPPS'  HILL. 

The  winder  of  my  room  commands  a  exileratin  view  of 

*  Though  Artemus  addresses  this  "  to  his  wife,"  he  was  a  bachelor  when 
I  parted  from  him  four  months  ago,  and,  I  believe,  ia  so  stilL  This  note 
UB  for  the  benefit  of  the  ladies. 


BOSTOI^.  275 

Copps'  Hill,  where  Cotton  Mather,  the  father  of  the  Reformers 
and  sich,  lies  berrid.  There  is  men  even  now  who  worship 
Cotton,  and  there  is  wimin  who  wear  him  next  their  harts. 
But  I  do  not  weep  for  him.  He 's  bin  ded  too  lengthy.  I 
aint  goin  to  be  absurd,  like  old  Mr  Skillins,  in  our  naberhood, 
who  is  ninety-six  years  of  age,  and  gets  drunk  every  'lection 
day,  and  weeps  Bitturly  because  he  haint  got  no  Parents. 
He 's  a  nice  Orphan,  he  is. 

BUNKER  HILL. 

Bunker  Hill  is  over  yonder  in  Charleston.  In  1 776  a  thrillin 
dramy  was  acted  out  over  there,  in  which  the  "  Warren  Com- 
bination" *  played  star  parts. 

MRFANUEL. 

Old  Mr  Fanuel  is  ded,  but  his  Hall  t  is  still  into  full  blarst. 
This  is  the  Cradle  in  which  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  was  rocked, 
my  Dear.  The  Goddess  hasn't  bin  very  well  durin  the  past 
few  years,  and  the  num'ris  quack  doctors  she  called  in  didn't 
help  her  any ;  but  the  old  gal's  physicians  now  are  men  who 
understand  their  bisness,  Major-generally  speakin,  and  I  think 
the  day  is  near  when  she  '11  be  able  to  take  her  three  meals  a 
day,  and  sleep  nights  as  comf 'bly  as  in  the  old  time. 

THE  COMMON. 

It  is  here,  as  ushil ;  and  the  low  cuss  who  called  it  a  Wacant 
Lot,  and  wanted  to  know  why  they  didn't  ornament  it  with 
sum  Bildins,  is  a  onhappy  Outcast  in  Naponsit. 

•  Mr  "William  Warren,  the  comedian,  is  the  uncle  of  Mr  Joseph  Jeffer- 
son, the  actor,  now  in  this  country.  He  was  travelling  with  a  theatrical 
combination  at  the  time  of  this  article  being  written. 

+  Faneuil  Hall,  Boston,  wherein  the  first  revolutionary  speeches  were 
made.     The  Bostonians  delight  in  calling  it  the  "  Cradle  of  Liberty." 


276  BOSTON. 

THE  LEGISLATUR. 

The  State  House  is  filled  with  Statesmen,  but  sum  of  *em 
wear  queer  hats.  They  buy  'em,  I  take  it,  of  hatters  who 
carry  on  hat  stores  down-stairs  in  Dock  Square,  and  whose 
hats  is  either  ten  years  ahead  of  the  prevalin  stile,  or  ten 
years  behind  it — ^jest  as  a  intellectooal  person  sees  fit  to  think 
about  it.  I  had  the  pleasure  of  talkin  with  sevril  members 
of  the  legislatur.  I  told 'em  the  Eye  of  1000  ages  was  onto 
we  American  peple  of  to-day.  They  seemed  deeply  inpressed 
by  the  remark,  and  wantid  to  know  if  I  had  seen  the  Grate 
Orgin  ?  * 

HARVARD   COLLEGE. 

This  celebrated  institootion  of  learnin  is  pleasantly  situated 
in  the  Bar-room  of  Parker's,  in  School  Street,t  and  has  poopils 
from  all  over  the  country. 

I  had  a  letter  yes'd'y,  by  the  way,  from  our  mootual  son, 
Artemus,  Jr.,  who  is  at  Bowdoin  College  in  Maine.  He  writes 
that  he 's  a  Bowdoin  Arab,  k  is  it  cum  to  this  ?  Is  this  Boy, 
as  1  nurtered  with  a  Parent's  care  into  his  childhood's  hour — 
is  he  goin  to  be  a  Grate  American  humourist  ?  Alars  !  I  fear 
it  is  too  troo.  Why  didn't  I  bind  him  out  to  the  Patent 
Travellin  Vegetable  Pill  Man,  as  was  struck  with  his  appear- 
ance at  our  last  County  Fair,  &  wanted  him  to  go  with  him 
and  be  a  Pillist  ?  Ar,  these  Boys — they  little  know  how  the 
old  folks  worrit  about  'em.  But  my  father  he  never  had  no 
occasion  to  worrit  about  me.  You  know,  Betsy,  that  when  I 
fust  commenced  my  career  as  a  moral  exhibitor  with  a  six- 
legged  cat  and  a  Bass  drum,  I  was  only  a  simple  peasant  child 
— skurce  15  Summers  had  flow'd  over  my  yoothful  hed.  But 
I  had  sum  mind  of  my  own.  My  father  understood  this. 
"  Go,"  he  said — "  go,  my  son,  and  hog  the  public  !  "  (he  ment, 

*  The  great  organ  in  the  Music  Hall  is  the  latest  "  lion  *'  of  Boston. 
+  Alluding  to  the  extreme  popularity  of  this  drinking-saloon  among  the 
students  of  Harvard  College. 


BOSTON,  277 

"knock  'cm,"  but  the  old  man  was  alius  a  little  given  to 
slang).  He  put  his  withered  han'  tremblinly  onto  my  hed, 
and  went  sadly  into  the  house.  I  thought  I  saw  tears  tricklin 
down  his  venerable  chin,  but  it  might  hav  been  tobacker 
jooce.     He  chaw'd. 

LTTERATOOR. 

The  Atlantic  Montlily^  Betsy,  is  a  reg'lar  visitor  to  our 
westun  home.  I  like  it  because  it  has  got  sense.  It  don't 
print  stories  with  piruts  and  honist  young  men  into  'em, 
making  the  piruts  splendid  fellers  and  the  honist  young  men 
dis'gree'ble  idiots — so  that  our  darters  very  nat'rally  prefer 
the  piruts  to  the  honist  young  idiots ;  but  it  gives  us  good 
square  American  literatoor.  The  chaps  that  write  for  the 
Atlantic,  Betsy,  understand  their  bisness.  They  can  sling  ink, 
they  can.  I  went  in  and  saw  'em.  I  told  'em  that  theirs 
was  a  high  and  holy  mission.  They  seemed  quite  gratified, 
and  asked  me  if  I  had  seen  the  Grate  Orgin. 


WHERE  THE  FUST  BLUD  WAS  SPILT. 

I  went  over  to  Lexington  yes'd'y.  My  Boosum  hove  with 
solium  emotions.  "  &  this,"  I  said  to  a  man  who  was  drivin 
a  yoke  of  oxen,  "this  is  where  our  revolutionary  forefathers 
asserted  their  independence  and  spilt  their  Blud.  Classic 
ground ! " 

"  Wall,"  the  man  said,  "  it 's  good  for  white  beans  and 
potatoes,  but  as  regards  raisin  wheat,  t'aint  worth  a  dam. 
But  hav  you  seen  the  Grate  Orgin  ? " 

THE  POOTY  GIRL  IN  SPECTACLES. 

I  returned  in  the  Hoss  Cars,  part  way.  A  pooty  girl  in 
spectacles  sot  near  me,  and  was  tellin  a  young  man  how  much 
he  reminded  her  of  a  man  she  used  to  know  in  WalthanL 
Pooty  soon  the  young  man  got  out,  and,  smilin  in  a  seductiv 


278  BOSTON 

manner,  I  said  to  the  girl  in  spectacles,  "  Don't  I  remind  yon 
of  somebody  you  used  to  know  % " 

"  Yes,"  she  said,  "  you  do  remind  me  of  one  man,  but  he 
was  sent  to  the  penitentiary  for  stealin  a  Bar'l  of  mackril — 
he  died  there,  so  I  conclood  you  aint  Mm."  I  didn't  pursoo 
the  conversation.  I  only  heard  her  silvery  voice  once  more 
durin  the  remainder  of  the  jerney.  Turnin  to  a  respectable 
lookin  female  of  advanced  summers,  she  asked  her  if  she  had 
seen  the  Grate  Orgin. 

We  old  chaps,  my  dear,  air  apt  to  forget  that  it  is  sum  time 
since  we  was  infants,  and  et  lite  food.  Nothin  of  further 
int'rist  took  place  on  the  cars  excep  a  coloured  gentleman,  a 
total  stranger  to  me,  asked  if  I'd  lend  him  my  diamond  Brest- 
pin  to  wear  to  a  funeral  in  South  Boston.  I  told  him  I 
wouldn't — not  a  jpurpuss. 

WILD  GAME. 

Altho'  fur  from  the  prahayries,  there  is  abundans  of  wild 
game  in  Boston,  such  as  quails,  snipes,  plover,  and  Props.* 

COMMON  SKOOLS. 

A  excellent  skool  sistim  is  in  vogy  here.  John  Slurk,  my 
old  pardner,  has  a  little  son  who  has  only  bin  to  skool  two 
months,  and  yet  he  exhibertid  his  father's  performin  Bear  in 
the  show  all  last  summer.  I  hope  they  pay  partic'lar  'tention 
to  Spelin  in  these  Skools,  because  if  a  man  can't  Spel  wel  he's 
of  no  'kount. 

SUMMIN  UP. 

I  ment  to  have  allooded  to  the  Grate  Orgin  in  this  letter, 
but  I  haven't  seen  it.  Mr  Eeveer,  whose  tavern  f  I  stop  at, 
informed  me  that  it  can  be  distinctly  heard  through  a  smoked 

•  The  game  of  "  props,"  played  with  cowrie  shells,  is,  I  believe,  peciUiaar 
to  the  city  of  Boston, 
t    The  Revere  House  is  one  of  the  best  family  hotels  in  Boston. 


A  MORMON  ROMANCE,  279 

glass  in  his  nativ  town  in  New  Hampshire,  any  clear  day. 
But  settin  the  Grate  Orgin  aside  (and  indeed,  I  don't  think  I 
heard  it  mentioned  all  the  time  I  was  there),  Boston  is  one  of 
the  grandest,  sure-footedest,  clear-headest,  comfortablest  cities 
on  the  globe.  On  like  ev'ry  other  large  city  I  was  ever  in, 
the  most  of  the  hackmen  don't  seem  to  hav  bin  speshully 
intended  by  natur  for  the  Burglery  perfession,  and  it's  about 
the  only  large  city  I  know  of  where  you  don't  enjoy  a  brilliant 
opportunity  of  bein  swindled  in  sum  way,  from  the  Risin  of  the 
sun  to  the  goin  down  thereof.  There4:  I  say,  loud  and  con 
tinnered  applaus  for  Boston ! 

DOMESTIC  MATTERS. 

Kiss  the  children  for  me.  What  you  tell  me  'bout  the  Twins 
greeves  me  sorely.  When  I  sent  'em  that  Toy  Enjine  I  bad 
not  contempyulated  that  they  would  so  fur  forgit  what  was 
doo  the  dignity  of  our  house  as  to  squirt  dish-water  on  the 
Incum  Tax  Collector.  It  is  a  disloyal  act,  and  shows  a  prema- 
toor  leanin  tords  cussedness  that  alarms  me.  I  send  to  Amelia 
Ann,  our  oldest  dawter,  sum  new  music,  viz.  :  "  I  am  lonely 
sints  My  Mother-in-law  Died ; "  "  Dear  Mother,  What  tho'  the 
Hand  that  Spanked  me  in  my  Childhood's  Hour  is,  withered 
now?"  &c.  These  song  writers,  by  the  way,  air  doin  the 
Mother  Bisiness  rather  too  muchly. — Your  Own  Troo  Husban, 

Artemus  Ward. 


II.— A  MORMON  ROMANCE.— REGINALD 
GLOVERSON. 

chapter  I. — the  mormon's  departurk 

The  morning  on  which  Reginald  Gloverson  was  to  leave  Great 
Salt  Lake  City  with  a  mule-train  dawned  beautifully. 
Reginald  Gloverson  was  a  young  and  thrifty  Mormon,  with 


28o  A  MORMON  ROMANCE. 

an  interesting  family  of  twenty  young  and  handsome  wives. 
His  unions  had  never  been  blessed  with  children.  As  often  as 
once  a  year  he  used  to  go  to  Omaha,  in  Nebraska,  with  a  mule- 
train  for  goods;  but  although  he  had  performed  the  rather 
perilous  journey  many  times  with  entire  safety,  his  heart  was 
strangely  sad  on  this  particular  morning,  and  filled  with  gloomy 
forebodings. 

The  time  for  his  departure  had  arrived.  The  high-spirited 
mules  were  at  the  door,  impatiently  champing  their  bits.  The 
Mormon  stood  sadly  among  his  weeping  wives. 

"  Dearest  ones,"  he  said,  "  I  am  singularly  sad  at  heart,  this 
morning;  but  do  not  let  this  depress  you.  The  journey  is  a 
perilous  one,  but — pshaw !  I  have  always  come  back  safely 
heretofore,  and  why  should  I  fear?  Besides,  I  know  that 
every  night,  as  I  lay  down  on  the  broad  starlit  prairie, 
your  bright  faces  will  come  to  me  in  my  dreams,  and  make 
my  slumbers  sweet  and  gentle.  You,  Emily,  with  your 
mild  blue  eyes  ;  and  you,  Henrietta,  with  your  splendid  black 
hair ;  and  you,  Nelly,  with  your  hair  so  brightly,  beautifully 
golden ;  and  you,  MoUie,  with  your  cheeks  so  downy ;  and 
you,  Betsy,  with  your  wine-red  lips — far  more  delicious, 
though,  than  any  wine  I  ever  tasted ;  and  you,  Maria,  with 
your  winsome  voice ;  and  you,  Susan,  with  your — with  your — 

that  is  to  say,  Susan,  with  your and  the  other  thirteen  of 

you,  each  so  good  and  beautiful,  will  come  to  me  in  sweet 
dreams,  will  you  not,  Dearestists  1 " 

"  Our  own,"  they  lovingly  chimed,  "  we  will ! " 
"  And  so  farewell ! "  cried  Eeginald.     "  Come  to  my  arms 
my  own  ! "  he  said ;  "  that  is,  as  many  of  you  as  can  do  it 
conveniently  at  once,  for  I  must  away." 

He  folded  several  of  them  to  his  throbbing  breast,  and 
drove  sadly  away. 


But  he  had  not  gone  far  when  the  trace  of  the  off-hind  mule 
became  unhitched.     Dismounting,  he  essayed  to  adjust  the 


A  MORMON  ROMANCE.  281 

trace ;  but  ere  he  had  fairly  commenced  the  task,  the  mule,  a 
singularly  refractory  animal,  snorted  wildly,  and  kicked  Reg- 
inald frightfully  in  the  stomach.  He  arose  with  diflBculty,  and 
tottered  feebly  towards  his  mother's  house,  which  was  near 
by,  falling  dead  in  her  yard,  with  the  remark,  "  Dear  mother, 
I  Ve  come  home  to  die." 

"  So  I  see,"  she  said  ;  *'  where 's  the  mules  ? " 
Alas  !  Reginald  Gloverson  could  give  no  answer.     In  vain 
the  heart-stricken  mother  threw  herself  upon  his  inanimate 
form,  crying,  "  Oh,  my  son,  my  son !  only  tell  me  where  the 
mules  are,  and  then  you  may  die  if  you  want  to." 
In  vain — in  vain  !    Reginald  had  passed  on. 

CHAPTER  II. — FUNERAL  TRAPPINGS. 

The  mules  were  never  found. 

Reginald's  heartbroken  mother  took  the  body  home  to  her 
unfortunate  son's  widows.  But  before  her  arrival  she  indis- 
creetly sent  a  boy  to  bust  the  news  gently  to  the  afflicted 
wives,  which  he  did  by  informing  them,  in  a  hoarse  whisper, 
that  their  "  old  man  had  gone  in." 

The  wives  felt  very  badly  indeed. 

"  He  was  devoted  to  me,"  sobbed  Emily. 

"  And  to  me,"  said  Maria. 

"  Yes,"  said  Emily,  "  he  thought  considerably  of  you,  but 
not  so  much  as  he  did  of  me." 

"I  say  he  did!" 

"  And  I  say  he  didn't !  ** 

«  He  did  ! " 

«' He  didn't!" 

"  Don't  look  at  me,  with  your  squint  eyes  !  ** 

"  Don't  shake  your  red  head  sXme  !" 

**  Sisters  ! "  said  the  black-haired  Henrietta,  "  cease  this  un- 
seemly wrangling.  I,  as  his  first  wife,  shall  strew  flowers  on 
his  grave." 


282  A  MORMON  ROMANCE. 

"  No,  you  uorUt,^'  said  Susan.  *'  I,  as  his  last  wife,  shall 
strew  flowers  on  his  grave.     It 's  my  business  to  strew  ! " 

"  You  shan't,  so  there  !  "  said  Henrietta. 

"  You  bet  I  will ! "  said  Susan,  with  a  tear-suff'used  cheek. 

"  Well,  as  for  me,"  said  the  practical  Betsy,  "  I  ain't  on  the 
Strew,  much,  but  I  shall  ride  at  the  head  of  the  funeral  pro- 
cession ! " 

*'  Not  if  I  Ve  been  introduced  to  myself,  you  won't,"  said  the 
golden-haired  Nelly;  "that's  my  position.  You  bet  your 
bonnet-strings  it  is." 

"  Children,"  said  Eeginald's  mother,  "  you  must  do  some 
crying,  you  know,  on  the  day  of  the  funeral ;  and  how  many 
pocket-handkerchers  will  it  take  to  go  round  ?  Betsy,  you  and 
Nelly  ought  to  make  one  do  between  you." 

"  I  '11  tear  her  eyes  out  if  she  perpetuates  a  sob  on  my  hand- 
kercher  ! "  said  Nelly. 

"  Dear  daughters-in-law,"  said  Reginald's  mother,  "  how  un- 
seemly is  this  anger.  Mules  is  five  hundred  dollars  a  span, 
and  every  identical  mule  my  poor  boy  had  has  been  gobbled  up 
by  the  red  man.  I  knew  when  my  Reginald  staggered  into  the 
door-yard  that  he  was  on  the  Die,  but  if  I  'd  only  thunk  to 
ask  him  about  them  mules  ere  his  gentle  spirit  took  flight,  it 
would  have  been  four  thousand  dollars  in  (ywr  pockets,  and  no 
mistake  !  Excuse  those  real  tears,  but  you  Ve  never  felt  a 
parent's  feelins." 

"  It 's  an  oversight,"  sobbed  Maria.     "  Don't  blame  us  ! " 

CHAPTER  III. — DUST  TO  DUST. 

The  funeral  passed  off  in  a  very  pleasant  manner,  nothing 
occurring  to  mar  the  harmony  of  the  occasion.  By  a  happy 
thought  of  Reginald's  mother  the  wives  walked  to  the  grave 
twenty  a-breast,  which  rendered  that  part  of  the  ceremony 
thoroughly  impartial. 

That  night  the  twenty  wives,  with  heavy  hearts  sought  their 


A  MORMON  ROMANCE.  283 

twenty  respective  couches.  But  no  Reginald  occupied  those 
twenty  respective  couches — Reginald  would  never  more  linger 
all  night  in  blissful  repose  in  those  twenty  respective  couches — 
Reginald's  head  would  never  more  press  the  twenty  re- 
spective pillows  of  those  twenty  respective  couches  never, 
never  more  ! 

In  another  house,  not  many  leagues  from  the  House  of 
Mourning,  a  gray-haired  woman  was  weeping  passionately. 
''  He  died,"  she  cried,  "  he  died  without  sigerfyin,  in  any 
respect,  where  them  mules  went  to  ! " 

CHAPTER  IV. — ILAJIRIED  AGAIN. 

Two  years  are  supposed  to  elapse  between  the  third  and  fourth 
chapters  of  this  original  American  romance. 

A  manly  Mormon,  one  evening,  as  the  sun  was  preparing  to 
set  among  a  select  apartment  of  gold  and  crimson  clouds  in  the 
western  horizon — although  for  that  matter  the  sun  has  a  right 
to  "  set "  where  it  wants  to,  and  so,  I  may  add,  has  a  hen — 
a  manly  Mormon,  I  say,  tapped  gently  at  the  door  of  the  man- 
sion of  the  late  Reginald  Gloverson. 

The  door  was  opened  by  Mrs  Susan  Gloverson. 

"  Is  this  the  house  of  the  widow  Gloverson  ? "  the  Mormon 
asked. 

"  It  is,"  said  Susan. 

"  And  how  many  is  there  of  she  ? "  inquired  the  Mormon. 

"  There  is  about  twenty  of  her,  including  me,"  courteously 
returned  the  fair  Susan. 

"Can  I  see  her?" 

"  You  can." 

"  ^ladam,"  he  softly  said,  addressing  the  twenty  disconsolate 
widows,  **  I  have  seen  part  of  you  before  !  And  although  I 
have  already  twenty-five  wives,  whom  I  respect  and  tenderly 
care  for,  I  can  truly  say  that  I  never  felt  love's  holy  thrill  till 
I  saw  thee  !     Be  mine — be  mine ! "  he  enthusiastically  cried, 


284  ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND. 

"and  we  will  show  the  world  a  striking  illustration  of  the  beauty 
and  truth  of  the  noble  lines,  only  a  good  deal  more  so — 

•  Twenty-one  souls  with  a  single  thought, 
Twenty-one  hearts  that  beat  as  one  !  '  " 

They  were  united,  they  were  ! 

Gentle  reader,  does  not  the  moral  of  this  romance  show  that 
— does  it  not,  in  fact,  show  that  however  many  there  may  be 
of  a  young  widow  woman — or  rather,  does  it  not  show  that 
whatever  number  of  persons  one  woman  may  consist  of — 
well,  never  mind  what  it  shows.  Only  this  writing  Mormon 
romances  is  confusing  to  the  intellect.     You  try  it  and  see. 


12.— ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND. 

Richmond,  Va.,  May  — ,  18  <§  65. 

OLONZO  WARD. 

Ai'ORE  I  comments  this  letter  from  the  late  rebil  capitol,  I 
desire  to  cimply  say  that  I  hav  seen  a  low  and  skurrilus  noat 
in  the  papers  from  a  certain  purson  who  singes  hisself  Olonzo 
Ward,  &  sez  he  is  my  berruther.*  I  did  once  hav  a  berruther 
of  that  name,  but  I  do  not  recugnise  him  now.  To  me  he  is 
wuss  than  ded !  I  took  him  from  collige  sum  16  years  ago, 
and  gave  him  a  good  situation  as  the  Bearded  Woman  in  my 
Show.  How  did  he  repay  me  for  this  kindness  ?  He  basely 
undertook  (one  day  while  in  a  Backynalian  mood  on  rum,  & 
right  in  sight  of  the  aujience  in  the  tent)  to  stand  upon  his 
hed,  whareby  he  betray'd  his  sex  on  account  of  his  boots  & 
his  Beard  fallin  off  his  face,  thus  rooinin  my  prospecks  in  that 
town,  &  likewise  incurrin  the  seris  displeasure  of  the  Press, 
which  sed  boldly  I  was  triflin  with  the  feelins  of  a  intelligent 
public.     I  know  no  such  man  as  Olonzo  Ward.     I  do  not  ever 

*  Two  or  three  scamps  in  the  United  States  have  endeavoured  to  pass 
themselves  off  as  brothers  of  Artemus  Ward.     He  has  no  brothers  living. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND,  285 

wish  his  name  breathed  in  my  presents.     I  do  not  recognise 
him.     I  perfectly  disgust  him. 

RICHMOND. 

The  old  man  finds  hisself  once  more  in  a  Sunny  climb.  I 
cum  here  a  few  days  arter  the  city  catterpillertulated. 

My  naburs  seemed  surprised  &  astonisht  at  this  darin 
bravery  onto  the  part  of  a  man  at  my  time  of  life,  but  our 
family  was  never  knowd  to  quale  in  danger's  stormy  hour. 

My  father  was  a  sutler  in  the  Eevolootion  War.  My  father 
once  had  a  intervoo  with  Gin'ral  La  Fayette. 

He  asked  La  Fayette  to  lend  him  five  dollars,  promisin  to 
pay  him  in  the  Fall ;  but  Lafy  said  "  he  couldn't  see  it  in 
those  lamps."  Lafy  was  French,  and  his  knowledge  of  oui 
langwidge  was  a  little  shaky. 

Loamejutly  on  my  'rival  here  I  perceeded  to  the  Spotswood 
House,*  and  callin  to  my  assistans  a  young  man  from  our 
town  who  writes  a  good  runnin  hand,  I  put  my  ortograph  on 
the  Register,  and  handin  my  umbrella  to  a  bald-heded  man 
behind  the  counter,  who  I  s'posed  was  Mr  Spotswood,  I  said, 
"  Spotsy,  how  does  she  run  \ " 

He  called  a  cullud  purson,  and  said  : 

"Show  the  gen'lman  to  the  cowyard,  and  giv  him  cart 
number  L" 

"  Isn't  Grant  here  1 "  I  said.  "  Perhaps  Ulyssis  wouldn't 
mind  my  tumin  in  with  him." 

"  Do  you  know  the  Gin'ral  % "  inquired  Mr  Spotswood. 

"Wall,  no,  not  'zackly;  but  he'll  remember  me.  His 
brother-in-law's  Aunt  bought  her  rye  meal  of  my  uncle  Levi 
all  one  winter.     My  uncle  Levi's  rye  meal  was ^" 

"  Pooh  !  pooh  ! "  said  Spotsy,  "  don't  bother  me,"  and  he 
ghuv'd  my  umbrella  onto  the  floor.     Obsarvin  to  him  not  to 

*  Celebrated  as  the  hotel  occupied  by  the  Confederate  authorities  duriug 
the  late  war. 


286  ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND. 

be  so  keerless  with  that  wepin,  I  accompanid  the  African  to 
my  lodgins, 

"My  brother,"  I  sed,  "air  you  aware  that  you've  bin 
'mancipated  ?  Do  you  reahse  how  glorus  it  is  to  be  free  ? 
Tell  me,  my  dear  brother,  does  it  not  seem  like  some  dream, 
or  do  you  realise  the  great  fact  in  all  its  livin  and  holy 
magnitood  ? " 

He  sed  he  would  take  some  gin. 

I  was  show'd  to  the  cowyard,  and  laid  down  under  a  one- 
mule  cart.  The  hotel  was  orful  crowded,  and  I  was  sorry  I 
hadn't  gone  to  the  Libby  Prison.  Tho'  I  should  hav  slept 
comf  ble  enuff  if  the  bedclothes  hadn't  bin  pulled  off  me  durin 
the  night  by  a  scoundrel  who  cum  and  hitched  a  mule  to  the 
cart  and  druv  it  off.  I  thus  lost  my  cuverin,  and  my  throat 
feels  a  little  husky  this  mornin. 

Gin'ral  Hulleck  offers  me  the  hospitality  of  the  city,  givin 
me  my  choice  of  hospitals. 

He  has  also  very  kindly  placed  at  my  disposal  a  small-pox 
amboolance. 

UNION  SENTIMENT. 

There  is  raly  a  great  deal  of  Union  sentiment  in  this  city. 
I  see  it  on  ev'ry  hand. 

I  met  a  man  to-day — I  am  not  at  liberty  to  tell  his  name, 
but  he  is  a  old  and  inflooentooial  citizen  of  Eichmond,  and 
sez  he,  "  Why  !  we  've  bin  fightin  agin  the  Old  Flag  !  Lor 
bless  me,  how  sing'lar  ! "  He  then  borrer'd  five  dollars  of  me 
and  bust  into  a  flood  of  tears. 

Sed  another  (a  man  of  standin  and  formerly  a  bitter  rebuel), 
"  Let  us  at  once  stop  this  effooshun  of  Blud  !  The  Old  Flag  is 
good  enuff  for  me.  Sir,"  he  added,  "  Tou  air  from  the  North  I 
Have  you  a  doughnut  or  a  piece  of  custard  pie  about  you  % " 

I  told  him  no,  but  I  knew  a  man  from  Vermont  who  had 
just  organised  a  sort  of  restaurant,  where  he  could  go  and 
make  a  very  comfortable  breakfast  on  New  England  rum  and 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND,  287 

cheese.  He  borrowed  fifty  cents  of  me,  and  askin  me  to  send 
him  Wm.  Lloyd  Garrison's  ambrotype  as  soon  as  I  got  home, 
he  walked  off. 

Said  another,  "  There 's  bin  a  tremenduous  Union  feelin  hero 
from  the  fust.  But  we  was  kept  down  by  a  rain  of  terror. 
Have  you  a  dagerretype  of  Wendell  Phillips  about  your  per- 
son %  and  will  you  lend  me  four  dollars  for  a  few  days  till  we 
air  once  more  a  happy  and  united  people  ?  '* 

JKFF.   DAVIS. 

Jeff.  Davis  is  not  pop'lar  here.  She  is  regarded  as  a 
Southern  sympathiser.  &  yit  I'm  told  he  was  kind  to  his 
Parents.  She  ran  away  from  'em  many  years  ago,  and  has 
never  bin  back.  This  was  showin  'em  a  good  deal  of  con- 
sideration when  we  reflect  what  his  conduck  has  been.  Her 
captur  in  female  apparel  confooses  me  in  regard  to  his  sex,  & 
you  see  I  speak  of  him  as  a  her  as  frekent  as  otherwise,  &  I 
guess  he  feels  so  hisself. 

R.  LEE. 

Robert  Lee  is  regarded  as  a  noble  feller. 

He  was  opposed  to  the  war  at  the  fust,  and  draw'd  his 
sword  very  reluctant.  In  fact,  he  wouldn't  hav  draw'd  his 
sword  at  all,  only  he  had  a  large  stock  of  military  clothes  on 
hand,  which  he  didn't  want  to  waste.  He  sez  the  coloured 
man  is  right,  and  he  will  at  once  go  to  New  York  and  open  a 
Sabbath  School  for  negro  minstrels. 

THE  CONFEDERATE  ARMY. 

The  surrender  of  R.  Lee,  J.  Johnston,  and  others,  leaves  the 
Confedrit  Army  in  a  ruther  shattered  state.  That  army  now 
consists  of  Kirby  Smith,  four  mules,  and  a  Bass  drum,  and  is 
movin  rapidly  to'rds  Texis. 

A  PROUD  AND  HAWTY  SUTHEl^lR. 

Feelin  a  little  peckish,  I  went  into  a  eatin  house  to-day, 


288  ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  RICHMOND. 

and  encountered  a  young  man  with  long  black  hair  and  slender 
frame.  He  didn't  wear  much  clothes,  and  them  as  he  did 
wear  looked  onhealthy.  He  frowned  on  me,  and  sed,  kinder 
scornful,  "  So,  Sir — you  come  here  to  taunt  us  in  our  hour  of 
trouble,  do  you  % " 

"  No,"  said  I,  "  I  cum  here  for  hash  !  " 

"  Pish-haw  ! "  he  sed,  sneerinly  ;  "  I  mean  you  air  in  this 
city  for  the  purpuss  of  gloatin  over  a  fallen  peple.  Others 
may  basely  succumb,  but  as  for  me,  I  will  never  yield — never, 
never  1 " 

"  Hav  suthin  to  eat ! "  I  pleasantly  suggested. 

"Tripe  and  onions!"  he  sed,  furcely;  then  he  added,  "I 
eat  with  you,  but  I  hate  you.     You  're  a  low-Uved  Yankee  !" 

To  which  I  pleasantly  replied,  "How'l  you  have  your 
tripe  r' 

"  Fried,  mudsill !  with  plenty  of  ham-fat  !'* 

He  et  very  ravenus.  Poor  feller !  He  had  lived  on  odds 
and  ends  for  several  days,  eatin  crackers  that  had  bin  turned 
over  by  revelers  in  the  bread-tray  at  the  bar. 

He  got  full  at  last,  and  his  hart  softened  a  Httle  to'ards  me. 
"  After  all,"  he  sed,  '•'  you  hav  sum  peple  at  the  North  who  air 
not  wholly  loathsum  beasts  V 

*'  Well,  yes,"  I  sed,  "  we  hav  now  and  then  a  man  among  us 
who  isn't  a  cold-bluded  scoundril.  Young  man,"  I  mildly  but 
gravely  sed,  "  this  crooil  war  is  over,  and  you  're  Uckt !  It*s 
rather  necessary  for  sumbody  to  lick  in  a  good  square,  lively 
fite,  and  in  this  'ere  case  it  happens  to  be  the  United  States  of 
America.  You  fit  splendid,  but  we  was  too  many  for  you. 
Then  make  the  best  of  it,  &  let  us  all  give  in  and  put  the 
Republic  on  a  firmer  basis  nor  ever. 

"  I  don't  gloat  over  your  misfortins,  my  young  fren.  Fur 
from  it.  I'm  a  old  man  now,  &  my  hart  is  softer  nor  it  once 
was.  You  see  my  spectacles  is  misten'd  with  suthin  very  like 
tears.  I  'm  thinkin  of  the  sea  of  good  rich  blud  that  has  been 
spilt  on  both  sides  in  this  dredful  war  !     I  'm  thinkin  of  our 


A.  1VARD  TO  THE  PRINCE  OF  IVALES.         289 

widders  .ind  orfuns  North,  and  of  your'n  in  the  South.  I  kin 
cry  for  both.  B'leeve  me,  my  young  fren,  I  kin  place  my  old 
hands  tenderly  on  the  fair  yung  hed  of  the  Virginny  maid 
whose  lover  was  laid  low  in  the  battle  dust  by  a  fed'ral  bullet, 
and  say,  as  fervently  and  piously  as  a  vener'ble  sinner  like  me 
kin  say  anythin,  God  be  good  to  you,  my  poor  dear,  my  poor 
dear." 

I  riz  up  to  go,  <fe  takin  my  yung  Southern  fren  kindly  by  the 
hand,  I  sed,  "  Yung  man,  adoo  !  You  Southern  fellers  is 
probly  my  brothers,  tho'  you  've  occasionally  had  a  cussed  queer 
way  of  showin  it !  It 's  over  now.  Let  us  all  jine  in  and 
make  a  country  on  this  continent  that  shall  giv  all  Europe  the 
cramp  in  the  stummuck  ev'ry  time  they  look  at  us !  Adoo, 
addoo!" 

And  as  I  am  through,  I  '11  likewise  say  adoo  to  you,  jentle 
reader,  merely  remarkin  that  the  Star-Spangled  Banner  is 
wavin  round  loose  agin,  and  that  there  don't  seem  to  be  any- 
thing the  matter  with  the  Goddess  of  Liberty  beyond  a  slight 
cold.  Artemus  Ward. 


,3._ARTEMUS  WARD  TO  THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES. 

Friend  Wales, — You  remember  me.    I  saw  you  in  Canady  a 
few  years  ago.    I  remember  you  too.    I  seldim  forgit  a  person. 

I  hearn  of  your  marrige  to  the  Printcis  Alexandry,  <fe  ment 
ter  writ  you  a  congratoolatory  letter  at  the  time,  but  I  've  bin 
bilding  a  bam  this  summer,  <k  hain't  had  no  time  to  write 
letters  to  folks.     Excoos  me. 

Numeris  changes  has  tooken  place  since  we  met  in  the  body 
politic.  The  body  politic,  in  fack,  is  sick.  I  sumtimes  think 
it  has  got  biles,  friend  Wales. 

In  my  country  we  've  got  a  war,  while  your  country,  in 
conjunktion  with  Cap'n  Sems  of  the  Aloharmy^  manetanes  a 
nootral  position  ! 

T 


206  AkTEMUS  WARD  TO 

I'm  fraid  I  can't  write  goaks  when  I  sit  about  it.  Oh  no, 
I  guess  not ! 

Yes,  sir,  we  've  got  a  war,  and  the  troo  Patrit  has  to  make 
sacrifisses,  you  bet. 

I  have  alreddy  given  two  cousins  to  the  war,  &  T  stand 
reddy  to  sacrifiss  my  wife's  brother  ruther  'n  not  see  the  re- 
oelyin  krusht.  And  if  wuss  cums  to  wuss,  I'll  shed  ev'ry  drop 
of  blud  my  able-bodid  relations  has  got  to  prosekoot  the  war. 
I  think  sumbody  oughter  be  prosekooted,  &  it  may  as  well  be 
the  war  as  anybody  else.  When  I  git  a  goakin  fit  onto  me  it's 
no  use  to  try  ter  stop  me. 

You  hearn  about  the  draft,  friend  Wales,  no  doubt.  It 
caus'd  sum  squirmin,  but  it  was  fairly  conducted,  I  think,  for 
it  hit  all  classes.  It  is  troo  that  Wendell  Phillips,  who  is  a 
American  citizen  of  African  scent,  'scaped,  but  so  did  Vallan- 
diggum,  who  is  conservativ,  and  who  wus  resuntly  sent  South, 
tho'  he  would  have  bin  sent  to  the  Dry  Tortoogus*  if  Abe  had 
'sposed  for  a  minit  that  the  Tortoogusses  would  keep  him. 

We  hain't  got  any  daily  paper  in  our  town,  but  we  Ve  got 
a  female  sewin  circle,  which  ansers  the  same  purpuss,  and  we 
wasn't  long  in  suspents  as  to  who  was  drafted. 

One  young  man  who  was  drawd  claimed  to  be  exemp  be- 
cause he  was  the  only  son  of  a  widow'd  mother  who  supported 
him.  A  few  able-bodid  dead  men  was  drafted,  but  whether 
their  heirs  will  have  to  pay  3  hundrid  dollars  a  peace  for  'em 
is  a  question  for  Whitin,  who  'pears  to  be  tinkerin  up  this 
draft  bizniss  right  smart.     I  hope  he  makes  good  wages. 

I  think  most  of  the  conscrips  in  this  place  will  go.  A  few 
will  go  to  Canady,  stoppin  on  their  way  at  Concord,  N.H., 
where  I  understan  there  is  a  Muslum  of  Harts. 

You  see  I'm  sassy,  friend  Wales,  hitin  all  sides ;  but  no 
offense  is  ment.  You  know  I  ain't  a  politician,  and  never 
was.     I  vote  for  Mr  Union — that 's  the  only  candidate  I  've 

*  The  "  Dry  Tortugas  "  are  off  the  coast  of  Florida.  Many  political 
orisonera  were  banished  to  them  during  the  war. 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES,  291 

gjt.  I  claim,  howsever,  to  have  a  well-balanced  mind ;  tho 
my  idees  of  a  well-balanced  mind  differs  from  the  idees  of  a 
partner  I  once  had,  whose  name  was  Billson.  Billson  and  me 
orjanized  a  strollin  dramatic  company,  &  we  played  The 
Drunkard,  or  the  Falling  Saved,  with  a  real  Drunkard.  The 
play  didn't  take  particlarly,  and  says  Billson  to  me,  Let's  giv 
'em  some  immoral  dramy.  We  had  a  large  troop  onto  our 
hands,  consistin  of  eight  tragedians  and  a  bass  drum,  but  I 
says.  No,  Billson  ;  and  then  says  I,  Billson,  you  hain't  got  a 
well-balanced  mind.  Says  he,  Yes,  I  have,  old  hoss-fly  (he 
was  a  low  cuss) — yes,  I  have.  I  have  a  mind,  says  he,  that 
balances  in  any  direction  that  the  public  rekires.  That 's  wot 
I  calls  a  well-balanced  mind.  I  sold  out  and  bid  adoo  to  Bill- 
son.  He  is  now  an  outcast  in  the  State  of  Vermont.  The 
miser'ble  man  once  played  Hamlet.  There  wasn't  any  orches- 
try,  and  wishin  to  expire  to  slow  moosic,  he  died  playin  on 
a  claironett  himself,  interspersed  with  hart-rendin  groans,  & 
Buch  is  the  world !  Alars  !  alars  !  how  onthankful  we  air  to 
that  Providence  which  kindly  allows  us  to  live  and  borrow 
money,  and  fail  and  do  bizniss ! 

But  to  return  to  our  subjeck.  With  our  resunt  grate  triumpa 
on  the  Mississippi,  the  Father  of  Waters  (and  them  is  waters 
no  Father  need  feel  'shamed  of — twig  the  wittikism?),  and  the 
cheerin  look  of  things  in  other  places,  I  reckon  we  shan't 
want  any  Muslum  of  Harts.  And  what  upon  airth  do  the 
people  of  Concord,  N.H.,  want  a  Muslum  of  Harts  for?  Hain't 
you  got  the  State  House  now  %  &  what  more  do  you  want  ? 

But  all  this  is  furrin  to  the  purpuss  of  this  note,  arter  all. 
My  objeck  in  now  addressin  you  is  to  giv  you  sum  adwice, 
friend  Wales,  about  managin  your  wife,  a  bizness  I've  had  over 
thirty  years'  experience  in. 

You  had  a  good  weddin.  The  papers  hav  a  good  deal  to 
say  about  "  vikins  "  in  connection  tharewith.  Not  knowing 
what  that  air,  and  so  I  frankly  tells  you,  my  noble  lord  dook 
of  the  throne,  I  can't  zackly  say  whether  we  had  'em  or  not. 


202  ARTEMUS  WARD  TO 

We  was  both  very  much  flustrated.  But  I  never  enjoyed  my. 
self  better  in  my  life. 

Dowtless,  your  supper  was  ahead  of  our'n.  As  regards 
eatin  uses  Baldinsville  was  allers  shaky.  But  you  can  git  a 
good  meal  in  New  York,  &  cheap  too.  You  can  get  half  a 
mackril  at  Delmonico's,  or  Mr  Mason  Dory's  *  for  six  dollars, 
and  biled  pertaters  throw'd  in. 

As  I  sed,  I  manige  my  wife  without  any  particler  trouble. 
When  I  fust  commenst  trainin  her  I  institooted  a  series  of 
experiments,  and  them  as  didu't  work  I  abanding'd.  You  'd 
better  do  similer.  Your  wife  may  objeck  to  gittin  up  and 
bildin  the  fire  in  the  mornin,  but  if  you  commence  with  her 
at  once  you  may  be  able  to  overkum  this  prejoodis.  I  regret 
to  obsarve  that  I  didn't  commence  arly  enuff.  I  wouldn't 
have  you  s'pose  I  was  ever  kicked  out  of  bed.  Not  at  all.  I 
simply  say,  in  regard  to  bildin  fires,t  that  I  didn't  commence 
arly  enuff.  It  was  a  ruther  cold  mornin  when  I  fust  proposed 
the  idee  to  Betsy.  It  wasn't  well  received,  and  I  found  myself 
layin  on  the  floor  putty  suddent.  I  thought  I  git  up  and  bild 
the  fire  myself 

Of  course  now  you  're  marrid  you  can  eat  onions.  I  alius 
did,  and  if  I  know  my  own  hart,  I  alius  will.  My  daughter, 
who  is  goin  on  1 7,  and  is  frisky,  says  they 's  disgustin.  And 
speakin  of  my  daughter  reminds  me  that  quite  a  number  of 
young  men  have  suddenly  discovered  that  I  'm  a  very  enter- 
tainin  old  feller,  and  they  visit  us  frekently,  especially  on 
Sunday  evenins.  One  young  chap — a  lawyer  by  habit — don't 
cum  as  much  as  he  did.  My  wife's  father  lives  with  us.  His 
intelleck  totters  a  little,  and  he  saves  the  papers  containin  the 
proceedins  of  our  State  Legislater.  The  old  genTman  likes 
to  read  out  loud,  and  he  reads  tol'ble  well.  He  eats  hash 
freely,  which  makes  his  voice  clear ;  but  as  he  onfortnilly  has 

*  The  "  Maison  Doree,"  a  fashionable  New  York  restaurant, 
i'  The  phrase  in  America  is  "  to  build  a  fire,"  not,  as  with  us,  "  to  light' 
one. 


THE  PRINCE  OF  WALES.  293 

to  spell  the  most  of  his  words,  I  may  say  he  reads  slow.  Wall, 
whenever  this  lawyer  made  his  appearance  I  would  set  the  old 
man  a-readin  the  Legislativ  reports.  I  kept  the  young  lawyer 
up  one  night  till  12  o'clock,  listenin  to  a  lot  of  acts  in  regard 
to  a  drawbridge  away  orf  in  the  east  part  of  the  State,  havin 
sent  my  daughter  to  bed  at  half-past  8.  He  hasn't  bin  there 
since,  and  I  understan  he  says  I  go  round  swindlin  the 
public. 

I  never  attempted  to  reorganize  my  wife  but  once.  I  shall 
never  attempt  agin.  I'd  bin  to  a  public  dinner,  and  had 
allowed  myself  to  be  betrayed  into  drinkin  several  people's 
healths ;  and  wishin  to  make  'em  as  robust  as  possible,  I  con- 
tinuerd  drinkin  their  healths  until  my  own  became  affected. 
Consekens  was,  I  presented  myself  at  Betsy's  bedside  late  at 
night  with  consid'ble  licker  concealed  about  my  person.  I 
had  sumhow  got  perseshun  of  a  hosswhip  on  my  way  home, 
and  rememberin  sum  cranky  observations  of  Mrs  Ward's  in 
the  mornin,  I  snapt  the  whip  putty  lively,  and,  in  a  very  loud 
voice,  I  said,  "  Betsy,  you  need  reorganizin  !  I  have  cum, 
Betsy,"  I  continued — crackin  the  whip  over  the  bed — "  I  have 
cum  to  reorganize  you  !     Ha-ave  you  per-ayed  to-night  % " 

I  dream'd  that  night  that  sumbody  had  laid  a  hosswhip 
over  me  sev'ril  conseckootiv  times;  and  when  I  woke  up  I 
found  she  had.  I  hain't  drank  much  of  anythin  since,  and  if 
I  ever  have  another  reorganizin  job  on  hand  I  shall  let  it  out. 

My  wife  is  52  years  old,  and  has  alius  sustaned  a  good 
character.  She 's  a  good  cook.  Her  mother  lived  to  a  vene- 
r'ble  age,  and  died  while  in  the  act  of  frying  slap-jacks  for  the 
County  Commissioners.  And  may  no  rood  hand  pluk  a  flour 
from  her  toomstun  1  We  hain't  got  any  picter  of  the  old  lady, 
because  she  'd  never  stand  for  her  ambrotipe,  and  therefore  I 
can't  give  her  likeness  to  the  world  through  the  meejum  of  the 
illusterated  papers ;  but  as  she  wasn't  a  brigadier-gin'ral,  par- 
ticerly,  I  don't  s'pose  they  'd  publish  it,  anyhow. 


294  AFFAIRS  ROUND  THE 

It 's  best  to  give  a  woman  consid'ble  lee-way.  But  not  too 
much.  A  naber  of  mine,  Mr  Roofus  Minkins,  was  once  very 
sick  with  the  fever,  but  his  wife  moved  his  bed  into  the  door- 
yard  while  she  was  cleanin  house.  I  told  Roofus  this  wasn't 
the  thing,  'specially  as  it  was  rainin  vi'lently ;  but  he  said  he 
wanted  to  give  his  wife  "  a  little  lee-way."  That  was  2  mutch. 
I  told  Mrs  Minkins  that  her  Eoofus  would  die  if  he  staid  out 
there  into  the  rain  much  longer ;  when  she  said,  "  It  shan't  be 
my  fault  if  he  dies  unprepared."  It  was  orful !  I  stood  by, 
however,  and  nussed  him  as  well 's  I  could  ;  but  I  was  a  putty 
wet-nuss,  I  tell  you. 

There 's  varis  ways  of  managin  a  wife,  friend  Wales,  but  the 
best  and  only  safe  way  is  to  let  her  do  jist  about  as  she  wants 
to.  I  'dopted  that  there  plan  sum  time  ago,  and  it  works  like 
a  charm. 

Remember  me  kindly  to  Mrs  Wales,  Jtnd  good  luck  to  you 
both  !  And  as  years  roll  by,  and  accidents  begins  to  happen 
to  you — among  which  I  hope  there'll  be  Twins — you  will 
agree  with  me  that  family  joys  air  the  only  ones  a  man  can 
bet  on  with  any  certainty  of  winnin. 

It  may  interest  you  to  know  that  I  'm  prosperin  in  a  pecoo- 
nery  pint  of  view.  I  make  'bout  as  much  in  the  course  of  a 
year  as  a  Cabinet  offisser  does,  &  I  understand  my  bizniss  a 
good  deal  better  than  sum  of  'em  do. 

Respecks  to  St  George  &  the  Dragon.     "  Ever  be  happy." 

A.  Ward. 


i4.~AFFAIRS  ROUND  THE  VILLAGE  GREEN. 

It  isn't  everyone  who  has  a  village  green  to  write  about.  I 
have  one,  although  I  have  not  seen  much  of  it  for  some  years 
past.  I  am  back  again,  now.  In  the  language  of  the  duke  who 
went  round  with  a  motto  about  him,  "  I  am  here  ! "  and  I 
fancy  I  am  about  as  happy  a  peasant  of  the  vale  as  ever  gar* 


VILLAGE  GREEN,  295 

nished  a  melodrama,  although  I  have  not  as  yet  danced  on  my 
village  green,  as  the  melodramatic  peasant  usually  does  on  hifi. 
It  was  the  case  when  Kosina  Meadows  left  home. 

The  time  rolls  by  serenely  now — so  serenely  that  I  don't  care 
what  time  it  is,  which  is  fortunate,  because  my  watch  is  at 
present  in  the  hands  of  those  "  men  of  New  York  who  are 
called  rioters."  We  met  by  chance,  the  usual  way — certainly 
not  by  appointment — and  I  brought  the  interview  to  a  close 
with  all  possible  dispatch.  Assuring  them  that  I  wasn't  Mr 
Greeley,  particularly,  and  that  he  had  never  boarded  in  the 
private  family  where  I  enjoy  the  comforts  of  a  home,  I 
tendered  them  my  watch,  and  begged  they  would  distribute 
it  judiciously  among  the  labouring  classes,  as  I  had  seen  the 
rioters  styled  in  certain  public  prints. 

Why  should  I  loiter  feverishly  in  Broadway,  stabbing  the 
hissing  hot  air  with  the  splendid  gold-headed  cane  that  was 
presented  to  me  by  the  citizens  of  Waukegan,  Illinois,  as  a 
slight  testimonial  of  their  esteem  1  Why  broil  in  my  rooms  ? 
You  said  to  me,  Mrs  Gloverson,  when  I  took  possession  of 
those  rooms,  that  no  matter  how  warm  it  might  be,  a  breeze 
had  a  way  of  blowing  into  them,  and  that  they  were,  withal, 
quite  countryfied  ;  but  I  am  bound  to  say,  Mrs  Gloverson,  that 
there  was  nothing  about  them  that  ever  reminded  me,  in  the 
remot*^st  degree,  of  daisies  or  new-mown  hay.  Thus,  with  sar- 
casm, do  I  smash  the  deceptive  Gloverson. 

Why  stay  in  New  York  when  I  had  a  village  green  ?  I  gave 
it  up,  the  same  as  I  would  an  intricate  conundrum — and,  in 
short,  I  am  here. 

Do  I  miss  the  glare  and  crash  of  the  imperial  thoroughfare] 
the  milkman,  the  fiery,  untamed  omnibus  horses,  the  soda 
fountains.  Central  Park,  and  those  things  ?  Yes,  I  do ;  and  I 
can  go  on  missing  'em  for  quite  a  spell,  and  enjoy  it. 

The  village  from  which  I  write  to  you  is  small.  It  does  not 
contain  over  forty  houses,  all  told  ;  but  they  are  milk-white, 
with  the  greenest  of  blinds,  and  for  the  most  part  are  shaded 


295  AFFAIRS  ROUND  THE 

with  beautiful  elms  and  willows.  To  the  right  of  us  is  a  moun 
tain — to  the  left  a  lake.  The  village  nestles  between.  Of 
course  it  does.  I  never  read  a  novel  in  my  life  in  which  the 
villages  didn't  nestle.  Villages  invariably  nestle.  It  is  a  kind 
of  way  they  have. 

We  are  away  from  the  cars.  The  iron-horse,  as  my  little 
sister  aptly  remarks  in  her  composition  On  Nature,  is  never 
heard  to  shriek  in  our  midst  j  and  on  the  whole  I  am  glad 
of  it. 

The  villagers  are  kindly  people.  They  are  rather  incoherent 
on  the  subject  of  the  war,  but  not  more  so,  perhaps,  than  are 
people  elsewhere.  One  citizen,  who  used  to  sustain  a  good 
character,  subscribed  for  the  Weekly  New  York  Herald,  a  few 
months  since,  and  went  to  studying  the  military  maps  in  that 
well-known  journal  for  the  fireside.  I  need  not  inform  you 
that  his  intellect  now  totters,  and  he  has  mortgaged  his  farm. 
In  a  literary  point  of  view  we  are  rather  bloodthirsty.  A 
pamphlet  edition  of  the  life  of  a  cheerful  being,  who  slaughtered 
his  wife  and  child,  and  then  finished  himself,  is  having  an  ex- 
tensive sale  just  now. 

We  know  little  of  Honors  de  Balzac,  and  perhaps  care  less 
for  Victor  Hugo.  M.  Class's  grand  search  for  the  Absolute 
doesn't  thrill  us  in  the  least;  and  Jean  Valjean,  gloomily 
picking  his  way  through  the  sewers  of  Paris,  with  the  spoony 
young  man  of  the  name  of  Marius  upon  his  back,  awakens  no 
interest  in  our  breasts.  I  say  Jean  Valjean  picked  his  way 
gloomily,  and  I  repeat  it.  No  man,  under  those  circumstances, 
could  have  skipped  gaily.  But  this  literary  business,  as  the 
gentleman  who  married  his  colored  chambermaid  aptly  ob- 
served, "  is  simply  a  matter  of  taste." 

The  store — I  must  not  forget  the  store.  It  is  an  object  of 
great  interest  to  me.  I  usually  encounter  there,  on  sunny 
afternoons,  an  old  Revolutionary  soldier.  You  may  possibly 
have  read  about  *'  Another  Revolutionary  Soldier  gone,"  but 
this  is  one  who  hasn't  gone,  and,  moreover,  one  who  doesn't 


VILLAGE  GREEI7.  297 

manifest  tlie  slightest  intention  of  going.  He  distinctly  re- 
members Washington,  of  course  ;  they  all  do;  but  what  I  wish 
to  call  special  attention  to,  is  the  fact  that  this  Eevolutionary 
soldier  is  one  hundred  years  old,  that  his  eyes  are  so  good  that 
he  can  read  fine  print  without  spectacles — he  never  used  them, 
by  the  way — and  his  mind  is  perfectly  clear.  He  is  a  little 
shaky  in  one  of  his  legs,  but  otherwise  he  is  as  active  as  most 
men  of  forty-five,  and  his  general  health  is  excellent.  He  uses 
no  tobacco,  but  for  the  last  twenty  years  he  has  drunk  one 
glass  of  liquor  every  day — no  more,  no  less.  He  says  he  must 
have  his  tod.  I  had  begun  to  have  lurking  suspicions  about 
this  Revolutionary  soldier  business,  but  here  is  an  original 
Jacobs.*  But  because  a  man  can  drink  a  glass  of  liquor  a  day, 
and  live  to  be  a  hundred  years  old,  my  young  readers  must 
not  infer  that  by  drinking  two  glasses  of  liquor  a  day  a  man  can 
live  to  be  two  hundred.  "  Which  I  meanter  say,  it  doesn't 
foller,"  as  Joseph  Gargery  might  observe. 

This  store,  in  which  may  constantly  be  found  calico,  and 
nails,  and  fish,  and  tobacco  in  kegs,  and  snuff  in  bladders,  is  a 
venerable  establishment.  As  long  ago  as  1814  it  was  an  insti- 
tution. The  county  troops,  on  their  way  to  the  defence  oi 
Portland,  then  menaced  by  British  ships-of-war,  were  drawn 
up  in  front  of  this  very  store,  and  treated  at  the  town's  ex- 
pense. Citizens  will  tell  you  how  the  clergyman  refused  to 
pray  for  the  troops,  because  he  considered  the  war  an  unholy 
one;  and  how  a  somewhat  eccentric  person,  of  dissolute  habits, 
volunteered  his  services,  stating  that  he  once  had  an  uncle  who 
was  a  deacon,  and  he  thought  he  could  make  a  tolerable  prayer, 
although  it  was  rather  out  of  his  line  ;  and  how  he  prayed  so 
long  and  absurdly  that  the  Colonel  ordered  him  under  arrest, 
but  that  even  while  soldiers  stood  over  him  with  gleaming 
bayonets,  the  reckless  being  sang  a  preposterous  song  about 

*  "  The  Original  Jacobs  "  is  the  sign  of  a  large  cheap  jewellery  store  Iq 
New  York. 


298  AFFAIRS  ROUND  THE 

hLs  grandmother's  spotted  calf,  with  its  Ki-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do, 
after  which  he  howled  dismally. 

And  speaking  of  the  store,  reminds  me  of  a  little  story. 
The  author  of  '*  several  successful  comedies  "  has  been  among 
us,  and  the  store  was  anxious  to  know  who  the  stranger  was. 
And  therefore  the  store  asked  him. 

*'What  do  you  follow,  sir?"  respectfully  inquired  the 
tradesman. 

"  I  occasionally  write  for  the  stage,  sir." 

"  Oh  ! "  returned  the  tradesman,  in  a  confused  manner. 

"  He  means,"  said  an  honest  villager,  with  a  desire  to  help 
the  puzzled  tradesman  out,  "he  means  that  he  writes  the 
handbills  for  the  stage-drivers  ! " 

I  believe  that  story  is  new,  although  perhaps  it  is  not  of  an 
uproariously  mirthful  character ;  but  one  hears  stories  at  th( 
store  that  are  old  enough,  goodness  knows — stories  which,  no 
doubt,  diverted  Methuselah  in  the  sunny  days  of  his  giddy  and 
thoughtless  boyhood. 

There  is  an  exciting  scene  at  the  store  occasionally.  Yester- 
day an  athletic  peasant,  in  a  state  of  beer,  smashed  in  a  counter 
and  emptied  two  tubs  of  butter  on  the  floor.  His  father — a 
white-haired  old  man,  who  was  a  little  boy  when  the  Eevolu- 
tionary  war  closed,  but  who  doesn't  remember  Washington 
much^  came  round  in  the  evening  and  settled  for  the  damages. 
"My  son,"  he  said,  "has  considerable  originahty.''  I  will 
mention  that  this  same  son  once  told  me  that  he  could  lick 
me  with  one  arm  tied  behind  him,  and  I  was  so  thoroughly 
satisfied  he  could,  that  I  told  him  he  needn't  mind  going  for  a 
rope. 

Sometimes  I  go  a- visiting  to  a  farm-house,  on  which  occa- 
sions the  parlour  is  opened.  The  windows  have  been  close- 
shut  ever  since  the  last  visitor  was  there,  and  there  is  a  dingy 
smell  that  I  struggle  as  calmly  as  possible  with,  until  I  am  led 
to  the  banquet  of  steaming  hot  biscuit  and  custard-pie.  If 
they  would  only  let  me  sit  in  the  dear,  old-fashioned  kitchen, 


VILLAGE  GREEN,  299 

or  on  the  door-stone — ^if  they  knew  how  dismally  the  new 
black  furniture  looked.  But  never  mind,  I  am  not  a  reformer. 
No,  I  should  rather  think  not. 

Gloomy  enough,  this  living  on  a  farm,  you  perhaps  say ;  in 
which  case  you  are  wrong.  I  can't  exactly  say  that  I  pant  to 
be  an  agriculturist,  but  I  do  know  that  in  the  main  it  is  an  in- 
dependent, calmly  happy  sort  of  life.  I  can  see  how  the  pros- 
perous farmer  can  go  joyously  a-field  with  the  rise  of  the  sun, 
and  how  his  heart  may  swell  with  pride  over  bounteous  har- 
vests and  sleek  oxen.  And  it  must  be  rather  jolly  for  him  on 
winter  evenings  to  sit  before  the  bright  kitchen  fire  and  watch 
his  rosy  boys  and  girls  as  they  study  out  the  charades  in  the 
weekly  paper,  and  gradually  find  out  why  my  first  is  some- 
thing that  grows  in  a  garden,  and  my  second  is  a  fish. 

On  the  green  hillside  over  yonder,  there  is  a  quivering  of 
snowy  drapery,  and  bright  hair  is  flashing  in  the  morning 
sunlight.  It  is  recess,  and  the  Seminary  gii-ls  are  running  in 
the  tall  grass. 

A  goodly  seminary  to  look  at  outside,  certainly,  although  I 
am  pained  to  learn,  as  I  do  on  unprejudiced  authority,  that 
Mrs  Higgins,  the  Principal,  is  a  tyrant,  who  seeks  to  crush  the 
girls  and  trample  upon  them ;  but  my  sorrow  is  somewhat 
assuaged  by  learning  that  Skimmerhorn,  the  pianist^  is  per- 
fectly splendid. 

Looking  at  these  girls  reminds  me  that  I,  too^  was  once 
young — and  where  are  the  friends  of  my  youth  ?  I  have  found 
one  of  'em,  certainly.  I  saw  him  ride  in  the  circus  the  other 
day  on  a  bareback  horse,  and  even  now  his  name  stares  at  me 
from  yonder  board-fence,  in  green,  and  blue,  and  red,  and  yel- 
low letters.  Dashington,  the  youth  with  whom  I  used  to  read 
the  able  orations  of  Cicero,  and  who,  as  a  declaimer  on  exlii- 
bition-days,  used  to  wipe  the  rest  of  us  boys  pretty  handsomely 
out — well,  Dashington  is  identified  with  the  halibut  and  cod 
interest — drives  a  fish-cart,  in  fact,  from  a  certain  town  on  the 
coast  back  into  the  interior.     Hubertson.  the  utterly  stupid 


300      AFFAIRS  ROUND  THE  VILLAGE  GREEN. 

boy — the  lunkhead,  who  never  had  his  lesson,  he 's  about  the 
ablest  lawyer  a  sister  State  can  boast.  Mills  is  a  newspaper 
man,  now  editing  a  Major-General  down  South. 

Singlinson,  the  sweet-voiced  boy,  whose  face  was  always 
washed  and  who  was  real  good,  and  who  was  never  rude— Ae 
is  in  the  penitentiary  for  putting  his  uncle's  autograph  to  a 
financial  document.  Hawkins,  the  clergyman's  son,  is  an  actor ; 
and  TVilliamson,  the  good  little  boy  who  divided  his  bread  and 
butter  with  the  beggar-man,  is  a  failing  merchant,  and  makes 
money  by  it.  Tom  Slink,  who  used  to  smoke  short-sixes  and 
get  acquainted  with  the  little  circus  boys,  is  popularly  supposed 
to  be  the  proprietor  of  a  cheap  gaming  establishment  in  Boston, 
where  the  beautiful  but  uncertain  prop  is  nightly  tossed.  Be 
sure  the  army  is  represented  by  many  of  the  friends  of  my 
youth,  the  most  of  whom  have  given  a  good  account  of  them- 
selves. But  Chalmerson  hasn't  done  much.  No,  Chalmerson 
is  rather  of  a  failure.  He  plays  on  the  guitar  and  sings  love 
songs.  Not  that  he  is  a  bad  man.  A  kinder-hearted  creature 
never  lived,  and  they  say  he  hasn't  yet  got  over  crying  for  his 
curly-haired  sister  who  died  ever  so  long  ago.  But  he  knows 
nothing  about  business,  politics,  the  world,  and  those  things. 
He  is  dull  at  trade — indeed,  it  is  a  common  remark  that 
"  everybody  cheats  Chalmerson."  He  came  to  the  party  the 
other  evening,  and  brought  his  guitar.  They  wouldn't  have 
him  for  a  tenor  in  the  opera,  certainly,  for  he  is  shaky  in  his 
upper  notes ;  but  if  his  simple  melodies  didn't  gush  straight 
from  the  heart,  why  were  my  trained  eyes  wet  ?  And  although 
some  of  the  girls  giggled,  and  some  of  the  men  seemed  to  pity 
him,  I  could  not  help  fancying  that  poor  Chalmerson  waa 
nearer  heaven  than  any  of  us  all ! 


AGRICULTURE.  301 

15.— AGRICULTURE. 

The  Barclay  County  Agricultural  Society  having  seriously 
invited  the  author  of  this  volume  to  address  them  on  the 
occasion  of  their  next  annual  fair,  he  wrote  the  President  of 
that  Society  as  follows  : — 

New  York,  June  12,  1865. 
Dear  Sir, — 

I  have  the  honour  to  acknowledge  the  receipt  of  your  letter 
of  the  5th  inst.,  in  which  you  invite  me  to  deliver  an  address 
before  your  excellent  agricultural  society. 

I  feel  flattered,  and  think  I  will  come. 

Perhaps,  meanwhile,  a  brief  history  of  my  experience  as  an 
agriculturalist  will  be  acceptable ;  and  as  that  history  no  doubt 
contains  suggestions  of  value  to  the  entire  agricultural  com- 
munity, I  have  concluded  to  write  to  you  through  the  Press. 

I  have  been  an  honest  old  farmer  for  some  four  years. 

My  farm  is  in  the  interior  of  Maine.  Unfortunately  my 
lands  are  eleven  miles  from  the  railroad.  Eleven  miles  is 
quite  a  distance  to  haul  immense  quantities  of  wheat,  corn, 
rye,  and  oats ;  but  as  I  haven't  any  to  haul,  I  do  not,  after 
all,  suffer  much  on  that  account. 

My  farm  is  more  especially  a  grass  farm 

My  neighbours  told  me  so  at  first,  and  as  an  evidence  that 
they  were  sincere  in  that  opinion,  they  turned  their  cows  on  to 
it  the  moment  I  went  off  "  lecturing." 

These  cows  are  now  quite  fat.  I  take  pride  in  these  cows, 
in  fact,  and  am  glad  I  own  a  grass  farm. 

Two  years  ago  I  tried  sheep-raising. 

I  bought  fifty  lambs,  and  turned  them  loose  on  my  broad 
and  beautiful  acres. 

It  was  pleasant  on  bright  mornings  to  stroll  leisurely  out 
onto  the  farm  in  my  dressing-gown,  with  a  cigar  in  my  mouth, 
and  watch  those  innocent  little  lambs  as  they  danced  gaily  o'er 
the  hill-side.     Watching  their  saucy  capers  reminded  me  of 


302  AGRICULTURE. 

caper  sauce,  and  it  occurred  to  me  I  should  have  some  very 
fine  eating  when  they  grew  up  to  be  "  muttons." 

My  gentle  shepherd,  Mr  Eli  Perkins,  said,  "  We  must  have 
some  shepherd  dogs." 

I  had  no  very  precise  idea  as  to  what  shepherd  dogs  were, 
but  I  assumed  a  rather  profound  look,  and  said  : 

"  We  must,  Eli.     I  spoke  to  you  about  this  some  time  ago  ! " 

I  wrote  to  my  old  friend,  Mr  Dexter  H.  Follett,  of  Boston, 
for  two  shepherd  dogs.  Mr  F.  is  not  an  honest  old  farmer 
himself,  but  I  thought  he  knew  about  shepherd  dogs.  He 
kindly  forsook  far  more  important  business  to  accommodate, 
and  the  dogs  came  forthwith.  They  were  splendid  creatures 
— snuff-coloured,  hazel-eyed,  long-tailed,  and  shapely-jawed. 

We  led  them  proudly  to  the  fields. 

"  Turn  them  in,  Eli,"  I  said. 

Eli  turned  them  in. 

They  went  in  at  once,  and  killed  twenty  of  my  best  lamba 
in  about  four  minutes  and  a  half. 

My  friend  had  made  a  trifling  mistake  in  the  breed  of  these 
dogs. 

These  dogs  were  not  partial  to  sheep. 

Eli  Perkins  was  astonished,  and  observed : 

**  Waal !  did  you  ever  % " 

I  certainly  never  had. 

There  were  pools  of  blood  on  the  greensward,  and  fragments 
of  wool  and  raw  lamb-chops  lay  around  in  confused  heaps. 

The  dogs  would  have  been  sent  to  Boston  that  night,  had 
they  not  rather  suddenly  died  that  afternoon  of  a  throat  dis- 
temper. It  wasn't  a  swelling  of  the  throat.  It  wasn't  diph- 
theria. It  was  a  violent  opening  of  the  throat  extending 
from  ear  to  ear. 

Thus  closed  their  life  stories.  Thus  ended  their  interesting 
tails. 

I  failed  as  a  raiser  of  Jambs.  As  a  sheepist  I  wac  not  a 
success. 


AGRICULTURE.  303 

Last  summer  Mr  Perkins  said,  "  I  think  we  *d  better  cut 
Bome  grass  this  season,  sir." 

We  cut  some  grass. 

To  me  the  new-mown  hay  is  very  sweet  and  nice.  The 
brilliant  George  Arnold*  sings  about  it,  in  beautiful  verse, 
down  in  Jersey  every  summer,  so  does  the  brilliant  Aldrich  at 
Portsmouth,  N.H.  And  yet  I  doubt  if  either  of  these  men 
know  the  price  of  a  ton  of  hay  to-day.  But  new-mown  hay  is 
really  a  fine  thing.     It  is  good  for  man  and  beast. 

We  had  four  honest  farmers  to  assist  us,  and  I  led  them 
gaily  to  the  meadows. 

I  was  going  to  mow  myself. 

I  saw  the  sturdy  peasants  go  round  once  ere  I  dipped  my 
flashing  scythe  into  the  tall  green  grass. 

"  Are  you  ready  1 "  said  E.  Perkins. 

"  I  am  here." 

"  Then  follow  us." 

I  followed  them. 

Followed  them  rather  too  closely  evidently,  for  a  white- 
haired  old  man,  who  immediately  followed  Mr  Perkins,  called 
upon  us  to  halt.  Then  in  a  low  firm  voice  he  said  to  his  son, 
who  was  just  ahead  of  me,  "  John,  change  places  with  me.  I 
hain't  got  long  to  live  anyhow.  Yonder  berryin  ground  will 
soon  have  these  old  bones,  and  it 's  no  matter  whether  I  'm 
carried  there  with  one  leg  off*  and  ter'ble  gashes  in  the  other 
or  not !     But  you,  John — you  are  young. 

The  old  man  changed  places  with  his  son.  A  smile  of  calm 
resignation  lit  up  his  wrinkled  face,  as  he  said,  *'  Now,  sir,  I 
am  ready." 

**  What  mean  you,  old  man  % "  I  said. 

"  I  mean  that  if  you  continner  to  bran'ish  that  blade  as  you 

have  been  bran'ishin  it,  you  '11  slash  h out  of  some  of  ua 

before  we  're  a  hour  older  1 " 

*  Under  the  now,  de  plume  of  MacArone  this  young  a'dthor  has  achieved 
much  celebrity  in  the  United  States. 


304  AGRICULTURE, 

There  was  some  reason  mingled  with  this  white-haired  old 
peasant's  profanity.  It  was  true  that  I  had  twice  escaped  mow- 
ing off  his  son's  legs,  and  his  father  was  perhaps  naturally 
alarmed. 

I  went  and  sat  down  under  a  tree.  "I  never  know'd  a 
literary  man  in  my  life,"  I  overheard  the  old  man  say,  "  that 
know'd  anything." 

Mr  Perkins  was  not  as  valuable  to  me  this  season  as  I  had 
fancied  he  might  be.  Every  afternoon  he  disappeared  from 
the  field  regularly,  and  remained  about  some  two  hours.  He 
said  it  was  headache.  He  inherited  it  from  his  mother.  His 
mother  was  often  taken  in  that  way,  and  suffered  a  great  deal. 

At  the  end  of  the  two  hours  Mr  Perkins  would  reappear 
with  his  head  neatly  done  up  in  a  large  wet  rag,  and  say  he 
"  felt  better." 

One  afternoon  it  so  happened  that  I  soon  followed  the  in- 
valid to  the  house,  and  as  I  neared  the  porch  I  heard  a  female 
voice  energetically  observe,  "  You  stop."  It  was  the  voice  of 
the  hired  girl,  and  she  added,  "  I  '11  holler  for  Mr  Brown." 

*'  Oh  no,  Nancy,"  I  heard  the  invalid  E.  Perkins  soothingly 
Bay ;  "  Mr  Brown  knows  I  love  you.  Mr  Brown  approves  of 
it." 

This  was  pleasant  for  Mr  Brown  ! 

I  peered  cautiously  through  the  kitchen  blinds,  and,  how- 
ever unnatural  it  may  appear,  the  lips  of  Eli  Perkins  and  my 
hired  girl  were  very  near  together.  She  said,  "  You  shan't  do 
so,"  and  he  do-soed.  She  also  said  she  would  get  right  up  and 
go  away,  and  as  an  evidence  that  she  was  thoroughly  in  earnest 
about  it,  she  remained  where  she  was. 

They  are  married  now,  and  Mr  Perkins  is  troubled  no  more 
with  the  headache. 

This  year  we  are  planting  corn.  Mr  Perkins  writes  me 
that  "  on  accounts  of  no  skare  krows  bein  put  up  krows  cum 
and  digged  fust  crop  up  but  soon  got  nother  in.  Old  Bisbee 
who  was  frade  youd  cut  his  sons  leggs  of  Ses  you  bet  go  and 


O 'BOURCY'S  '' ARRAH-NA-POGUEr  305 

stan  up  in  feeld  yrself  with  dressin  gownd  on  &  gesses  krows 
will  keep  way,  this  made  Boys  in  store  larf.  no  More  terday 
from 

"  Yours 

"  respecful 

"  Eu  Perkins, 
"his  letter." 

My  friend  ^Mr  D.  T.  T.  Moore,  of  the  Rural  New  Yorker, 
thinks  if  I  "  keep  on"  I  will  get  in  the  Poor  House  in  ahoufc 
two  years. 

If  you  think  the  honest  old  farmers  of  Barclay  County  want 
me,  I  will  come. — Truly  yours, 

Charles  F.  Browne. 


i6.-0'B0URCY'S  " ARRAH-NA-POGUE.** 

You  axe  me,  sir,  to  sling  sum  ink  for  your  paper  in  regards  to 
the  new  Irish  dramy  at  Niblo's  Carding.*     I  will  do  it,  sir. 

I  knew  your  grandfather  well,  sir.  Sum  1 6  years  ago,  while 
I  was  amoosin  and  instructin  the  intellectooal  peple  of  Cape 
Cod  with  my  justly  pop'lar  Show,  I  saw  your  grandfather. 
He  was  then  between  96  years  of  age,  but  his  mind  was  very 
clear.  He  told  me  I  looked  like  George  Washington.  He 
sed  I  had  a  massiv  intellect.  Your  grandfather  was  a  highly- 
intelligent  man,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  then  that  if  I  could 
ever  help  his  family  in  any  way,  I  'd  do  so.  Your  grandfather 
gave  me  sum  clams  and  a  Testament.  He  charged  me  for 
the  clams,  but  threw  in  the  Testament.  He  was  a  very  fine 
man. 

I  therefore  rite  for  you,  which  insures  your  respectability  at 
once.     It  gives  you  a  moral  tone  at  the  word  go. 

I  found  myself  the  other  night  at  Niblo's  Carding,  which  is 
*  A  popular  theatre  in  New  York. 

U 


3o6  O'BOURCY'S  '' ARRAH-NA-POGUEP 

now,  by  the  way,  Wheatley's  Garding.  (I  don't  know  what 's 
becum  of  Nib.)  I  couldn't  see  much  of  a  garding,  however, 
and  it  struck  me  if  Mr  Wheatley  depended  on  it  as  regards 
raisin  things,  he  'd  run  short  of  gardin  sass.  [N.B. — These 
remarks  is  voomerous.  The  older  I  gro,  the  more  I  want  to 
goak.] 

I  walked  down  the  ile  in  my  usual  dignified  stile,  politely 
tellin  the  people  as  I  parsed  along  to  keep  their  seats. 
"  Don't  git  up  for  me,"  I  sed.  One  of  the  prettiest  young 
men  I  ever  saw  in  my  life  showed  me  into  a  seat,  and  I  pro- 
ceeded to  while  away  the  spare  time  by  reading  Thompson's 
Banlc  Note  Reporter  and  the  comic  papers. 

The  ordinance  was  large. 

I  tho't,  from  a  cursiry  view,  that  the  Finnigan  Brotherhood 
was  well  represented. 

There  was  no  end  of  bootiful  wimin,  and  a  heap  of  good 
clothes.  There  was  a  good  deal  of  hair  present  that  belonged 
on  the  heds  of  peple  who  didn't  cum  with  it — but  this  is  a 
ticklish  subjeck  for  me.  I  larfed  at  my  wife's  waterfall,  which 
indoosed  that  superior  woman  to  take  it  off  and  heave  it  at 
me  rather  vilently ;  and  as  there  was  about  a  half  bushil  of 
it,  it  knockt  me  over,  and  giv  me  pains  in  my  body  which  I 
hain't  got  over  yit. 

The  okistry  struck  up  a  toon,  &  I  asked  the  Usher  to  nudge 
me  when  Mr  Pogue  cum  out  on  the  stage  to  act. 

I  wanted  to  see  Pogue ;  but,  strange  to  say,  he  didn't  act 
durin  the  entire  evenin.  I  reckin  he  has  left  Niblo's,  and  gone 
over  to  Barnum's. 

Very  industrious  peple  are  the  actors  at  Barnum's.  They 
play  all  day,  and  in  the  evenin  likewise*  I  meet  'm  every 
mornin,  at  five  o'clock,  going  to  their  work  with  their  tin  din- 
ner-pails. It's  a  sublime  site.  Many  of 'em  sleep  on  the  premises. 

Arrah-na-Pogue  was  writ  by  Dion  O'Bourcicolt  &  Edward 
McHouse.  They  rit  it  well  O'Boiu-cy  has  rit  a  cartload  of 
plays  himself,  the  most  of  which  is  fust-rate. 


O'BOURCY'S  "^ ARRAH-NA-POGUEr  307 

I  understand  there  is  a  large  number  of  O'gen'lmen  of  this 
city  who  can  rite  better  plays  than  O'Bourcy  does,  but  some- 
how they  don't  seem  to  do  it.  When  they  do,  1 11  take  a  Box 
of  them. 

As  I  remarked  to  the  Boy  who  squirted  peppersass  through 
a  tin  dinner-horn  at  my  trained  Bear  (which  it  caused  that 
feroshus  animal  to  kick  up  his  legs  and  howl  dismal,  which 
fond  mothers  fell  into  swoons  and  children  cride  to  go  home 
because  fearin  the  Bear  would  leave  his  jungle  and  tear  them 
from  limb  to  limb),  and  then  excoosed  himself  (this  Boy  did) 
by  sayin  he  had  done  so  while  labourin  under  a  attack  of 
Moral  Insanity — as  I  sed  to  that  thrifty  yooth,  "  I  alius  in- 
curridge  geenyus,  whenever  I  see  it." 

It 's  the  same  with  Dan  Bryant.  I  am  informed  there  are 
better  Irish  actors  than  he  is,  but  somehow  I  'm  alius  out  of 
town  when  they  act.  <fe  so  is  other  folks,  which  is  what 's  the 
matter. 

AcK  THE  1. — Glendalo  by  moonlite. 

Irishmen  with  clubs. 

This  is  in  1798,  the  year  of  your  birth,  Mr  Editor. 

It  appears  a  patriotic  person  named  McCool  has  bin  raisin 
a  insurrection  in  the  mountain  districks,  and  is  now  goin  to 
leave  the  land  of  his  nativity  for  a  tower  in  France.  Previsly 
to  doin  so  he  picks  the  pockit  of  Mr  Michael  Feeny,  a  gov*- 
ment  detectiv,  which  pleases  the  gallery  very  much  indeed, 
and  they  joyfully  remark  "  hi,  hi." 

He  meets  also  at  this  time  a  young  woman  who  luvs  him 
dearer  than  life,  and  who  is,  of  course,  related  to  the  gov'ment; 
and  jus  as  the  gov'ment  goes  agin  him  she  goes  for  him.  Thia 
is  nat'ral,  but  not  grateful.  She  sez,  *'  And  can  it  be  so  ?  Ar, 
tell  me  it  is  not  so  thusly  as  this  thusness  wouldst  seem  !  "  or 
words  to  that  effeck. 

He  sez  it  isn't  any  other  way,  and  they  go  off. 

Irish  moosic  by  the  Band. 

Mr  McCool  goes  and  gives  the  money  to  his  foster-sister, 


3o8  O'BOURCY'S  '' ARRAH-NA-POGUEr 

Miss  Arrah  Meelish,  who  is  goin  to  shortly  marry  Shaun,  the 
Lamp  Post.  Mac  then  alters  his  mind  about  goin  over  to 
France,  and  thinks  he'll  go  up-stairs  and  lie  down  in  the  straw. 
This  is  in  Arrah's  cabin.  Arrah  says  it 's  all  right,  me  darlint, 
och  hone,  and  shure,  and  other  pop'lar  remarks,  and  Mac  goes 
to  his  straw. 

The  weddin  of  Shaun  and  Arrah  comes  off. 

Great  excitement.  Immense  demonstration  on  the  part  of 
the  peasantry.  Barn-door  jigs,  and  rebelyus  song  by  McHouse, 
called  *'  The  Drinkin  of  the  Gin."  Ha,  what  is  this?  Soldiers 
cum  in.  Moosic  by  the  band.  "  Arrah,"  sez  the  Major,  "  you 
have  those  money."  She  sez,  "  Oh  no,  I  guess  not."  He  sez, 
*'  Oh  yes,  I  guess  you  have."  **  It  is  my  own,"  sez  she,  and 
exhibits  it.     "  It  is  mine,"  says  Mr  Feeny,  and  identifies  it. 

Great  confusion. 

Coat  is  prodoosed  from  up-stairs. 

"  Whose  coat  is  this  % "  sez  the  Major.  **  Is  it  the  coat  of  a 
young  man  secreted  in  this  here  cabin? " 

Now  this  is  rough  on  Shaun.  His  wife  accoosed  of  theft, 
the  circumstances  bein  very  much  agin  her,  and  also  accoosed 
of  havin  a  hansum  young  man  hid  in  her  house.  But  does 
this  bold  young  Hibernian  forsake  her  ?  Not  much,  he  don't. 
But  he  takes  it  all  on  himself,  sez  he  is  the  guilty  wretch,  and 
is  marcht  off  to  prison. 

This  is  a  new  idee.  It  is  gin'rally  the  wife  who  sujBfers,  in 
the  play,  for  her  husband ;  but  here's  a  noble  young  feller  who 
shuts  both  his  eyes  to  the  apparent  sinfulness  of  his  new  young 
wife,  and  takes  her  right  square  to  his  bosom.  It  was  bootiful 
to  me,  who  love  my  wife,  and  believe  in  her,  and  would  put  on 
my  meetin  clothes  and  go  to  the  gallus  for  her  cheerfully,  ruther 
than  believe  she  was  capable  of  taking  anybody's  money  but 
mine.  My  marrid  friends,  listen  to  me :  If  you  treat  your 
wives  as  tho'  they  were  perfeck  gentlemen — if  you  show  'em 
that  you  have  entire  confidence  in  them — believe  me,  they  wilJ 
be  troo  to  you  most  always. 


O'BOURCY'S  ''  ARRAH-NA-POGUE!*  309 

I  was  so  pleased  with  this  conduck  of  Shaun  that  I  hollered 
out,  "  Good  boy !     Come  and  see  me  ! " 

"  Silence ! "  sum  people  sed. 

"  Put  him  out !  "  said  a  sweet-scented  young  man,  with  all 
his  new  clothes  on,  and  in  company  with  a  splendid  waterfall, 
"put  this  old  fellow  out!" 

"My  young  friend,"  said  I,  in  a  loud  voice,  "whose  store 
do  you  sell  tape  in  ?  I  might  want  to  buy  a  yard  before  I  go 
hum." 

Shaun  is  tried  by  a  Military  Commission.  Colonel  O'Grady, 
although  a  member  of  the  Commission,  shows  he  sympathises 
with  Shaun,  and  twits  Feeny,  the  Gov'ment  witness,  with  being 
a  knock-kneed  thief,  &c.,  &c.  Mr  Stanton's  grandfather  was 
Sec'y  of  War  in  Ireland  at  that  time,  so  this  was  entirely 
proper. 

Shaun  is  convicted  and  goes  to  jail.  Hears  Arrah  singin 
outside.  Wants  to  see  her  a  good  deal.  A  lucky  thought 
strikes  him ;  he  opens  the  window  and  gets  out.  Struggles 
with  ivy  and  things  on  the  outside  of  the  jail,  and  finally 
reaches  her  just  as  Mr  Feeny  is  about  to  dash  a  large  wooden 
stone  onto  his  head.  He  throws  Mr  F.  into  the  river.  Pardon 
arrives.  Fond  embraces.  Tears  of  joy  and  kisses  a  la  Pogiie. 
Everybody  much  happy. 

Curtain  falls. 

This  is  a  very  hasty  outline  of  a  splendid  play.  Go  and 
see  it. — Yoursj  till  then, 

A.  Ward. 


ARTEMUS  WARD 
AMONG    THE    FENIANS. 


PRELIMINARY. 


THERE  is  a  story  of  two  "  smart "  Yankees,  one  named 
Hosea  and  the  other  Hezekiah,  who  met  in  an  oyster  shop 
in  Boston.  Said  Hosea,  "As  to  opening  oysters,  why  nothing's 
easier  if  you  only  know  how."  "  And  how 's  how  V^  asked  Heze- 
kiah. "  Scotch  snuff,"  replied  Hosea,  very  gravely — "  Scotch 
snuff.  Bring  a  little  of  it  ever  so  near  their  noses,  and  they  'U 
sneeze  their  lids  off."  "  I  know  a  man  who  knows  a  better 
plan,"  observed  Hezekiah.  "He  spreads  the  bivalves  in  a  circle, 
seats  himself  in  the  centre,  reads  a  chapter  of  Artemus  Ward 
to  them,  and  goes  on  until  they  get  interested.  One  by  one 
they  gape  with  astonishment  at  A.  Ward's  whoppers,  and  as 
they  gape  my  friend  whips  'em  out,  peppers  away,  and  swal- 
lows 'em." 

Excellent  as  all  that  Artemus  Ward  writes  really  is,  and 
exuberantly  overflowing  with  humour  as  are  nearly  all  his 
articles,  it  is  too  bad  to  accuse  him  of  telling  "  whoppers." 
On  the  contrary,  the  old  Horatian  question  of  "Who  shall 
forbid  me  to  speak  tnith  in  laughter  1 "  seems  ever  present  to 
his  mind.  His  latest  production  is  the  admirable  paper  on 
the  Fenians  with  which  this  little  volume  opens.  Sparkling 
with  genuine  fun  and  bristling  with  pungent  satire,  it  is  an 
epitome  of  Artemus  Ward's  most  genial  humour  and  of  his 
keenly  sarcastic  truth.  The  doings  of  the  Fenians  have 
hitherto  been  sufficiently  ludicrous  to  merit  the  ridicule  which 
Artemus  has  added  to  the  stock  they  have  so  liberally  pro- 


314  PRELIMINARY. 

vided  for  themselves.  To  use  the  periphrasis  of  Senator 
Sumner,  they  have  hitherto  been  "  the  muscipular  abortion  of 
the  parturient  mountain,"  whatever  their  folly  may  yet  lead 
them  to  effect  of  a  more  serious  nature  in  time  to  come.  As 
a  curiosity  of  literature,  worthy  of  being  preserved  for  the 
amusement  of  posterity,  a  leading  article  on  the  Fenians,  ex- 
tracted from  a  New  York  paper  of  most  extensive  circulation, 
is  given  below.*  Such  another  "  leader "  as  the  one  here 
given  could  not  be  met  with  in  the  press  of  any  land  in  the 
world,  except  in  that  of  the  United  States. 

*  "  The  Fenian  Troubles  at  an  End— The  Head  Centre  Victorious. 
"  The  unmitigated  blackguards  and  miserable  spalpeens  who  raised  the 
standard  of  revolt  against  the  brave  and  gallant  O'Mahony  are  knocked 
into  the  most  infinitesimal  smithereens,  and  chawed  up  until  there  is  not 
as  much  left  of  them  as  remained  after  the  tooth-and-nail  conflict  of  the 
Kilkenny  cats.  The  blessed  and  holy  St  Patrick  (may  the  heavens  be  his 
bed  in  glory  !)  never  more  thoroughly  extinguished  the  toads,  snakes,  bed- 
bugs, mosquitoes,  and  varmint  in  general,  which  he  drove  out  of  Ould 
Ireland,  than  O'Mahony,  the  gallant  Head  Centre,  squelched,  exterminated, 
crushed  out,  and  extinguished  the  cantankerous  Senators  and  rebellious 
disciples  of  the  brotherhood  who  thought  to  clutch  the  evergreen  laurels 
and  verdant  greenbacks  with  which  a  patriotic  and  confiding  people  have 
encircled  his  brow  and  lined  his  wallet.  As  the  blessed  St  Patrick  aforo- 
said  compelled  the  varmints  to  betake  themselves  to  the  swamps  and 
morasses,  and  'chased  the  frogs  into  the  bogs,'  so  the  redoubtable  O'Ma- 
hony has  compelled  the  rebellious  Fenians  to  hide  their  diminished  heads 
and  betake  themselves  to  the  recesses  of  oblivion,  where  their  contortions 
will  be  watched  by  the  observer  of  futurity,  as  the  visitors  of  Blarney 
Castle  are  edified  by  the  gambols  of  the  *  comely  eels  in  the  verdant  mud.' 
The  brave  O'Mahony  has  come  forth  from  the  contest  like  gold  from  the 
crucible,  or  whisky  from  the  still,  purified,  etherealised,  and  elevated, 
while  his  antagonists  have  shrunk  away  like  dross  or  swill,  never  more  to 
mingle  with  the  Olympian  deliberation,  and  Jove-Uke  councils  of  the 
Mofiatt  Mansion.  Instead  of  participating  in  these  august  deliberations, 
they  will  go  back  to  their  shanties,  and  there  behold  the  glories  they  are 
unworthy  to  share.  As  if  the  O'Mahony  bludgeon  had  not  knocked  the 
breath  completely  out  of  the  revolters,  the  idolised  Stephens,  who,  like 
the  Roman  Curtius,  jumped  ij*to  the  gulf  of  Irish  nationality,  published  a 
letter  and  a  proclamation  which  must  satisfy  the  public  that  the  recreant! 


PRELIMINARY.  315 

If  Arcemus  has  on  any  occasion  really  told  "  whoppers,"  it 
has  been  in  his  announcements  of  being  about  to  visit  Eng- 
land. From  time  to  time  he  has  stated  his  intention  of  visiting 
this  country,  and  from  time  to  time  has  he  disappointed  his 
English  friends. 

He  was  coming  to  England  after  his  trip  to  California,  when, 
laden  with  gold,  he  could  think  of  no  better  place  to  spend  it 
in. 

He  was  on  his  way  to  England  when  he  and  his  companion, 
Mr  Hingston,  encountered  the  Piute  Indians,  and  narrowly 
escaped  scalping. 

He  was  leaving  for  England  with  "  Betsy  Jane "  and  the 
*'  snaiks  "  before  the  American  war  was  ended. 

He  had  unscrewed  the  head  of  each  of  his  "  wax  figgers," 
and  sent  each  on  board  in  a  carpet-bag,  labelled  "  For  Eng- 
land," just  as  Mr  Lincoln  was  assassinated. 

He  was  hastening  to  England  when  the  news  came  a  few 
weeks  ago  that  he  had  been  blown  up  in  an  oil  well ! 

He  has  been  on  his  way  to  England  in  every  newspaper  of 
the  American  Union  for  the  last  two  years. 

Here  is  the  latest  announcement : — 

"Artemus  Ward,  in  a  private  letter,  states  that  Doctor 
Kumming,  the  famous  London  seer  and  profit,  having  foretold 
that  the  end  of  the  world  will  happen  on  his  own  birthday 

are  '  kilt  intirely,'  and  may  as  well  give  their  neighbours  a  pleasant  wake 
and  a  decent  burial  as  expect  to  survive  the  period  of  their  inevitable  dis- 
solution. His  proclamation  comes  down  on  them  like  a  shillaly  in  Donny- 
brook  ;  and  if  it  does  not  ventilate  their  skulls,  it  is  because  those  cranial 
envelopes  are  as  impervious  to  physical  force  as  to  the  gentle  influence  of 
reason  or  patriotism.  Having  demolished  the  rebellious  Senate  and  their 
backers,  the  next  thing  O'Mahony  has  to  do  is  to  wipe  out  the  bloody 
Saxon  and  re-establish  the  nationality  of  the  Emerald  Isle  as  it  existed  in 
the  days  of  Brian  Boru.  As  Queen  Victoria  is  a  woman,  we  do  not  expect 
to  see  her  locked  up  like  JeflF.  Davis,  but  she  will  be  allowed  to  emigrate 
to  New  York,  and  open  a  boarding-school  or  a  dry-goods  store,  where  she 
will  remain  unmolested  as  long  as  she  behaves  herself." 


»i6  PRELIMINARY, 

in  January  1867,  he,  Artemus,  will  not  visit  England  until  the 
latter  end  of  1866,  when  the  people  there  will  be  selling  off, 
and  dollars  will  be  plentiful.  Mr  Ward  says  that  he  shall 
leave  England  in  the  last  steamer,  in  time  to  see  the  American 
eagle  spread  his  wings,  and  with  the  stars  and  stripes  in  his 
beek  and  tallents,  sore  away  to  his  knativ  empyrehum." — 
American  Paper. 

But  even  this  is  likely  to  be  a  "  whopper,"  for  a  more  reli- 
able private  letter  from  Artemus  declares  his  fixed  purpose  to 
leave  for  England  in  the  steamship  City  of  Boston  early  in  June ; 
and  the  probabilities  are  that  he  will  be  stepping  on  English 
shores  just  about  the  time  that  these  pages  go  to  press. 

Lest  anything  should  happen  to  him,  and  England  be  for 
ever  deprived  of  seeing  him,  the  most  recent  production  of  his 
pen,  together  with  two  or  three  of  his  best  things,  are  here 
embalmed  for  preservation,  on  the  principle  adopted  by  the 
affectionate  widow  of  the  bear-trainer  of  Perpignan.  "  I  have 
nothing  left,"  said  the  woman ;  "  I  am  absolutely  without  a 
roof  to  shelter  me  and  the  poor  animal."  "  Animal ! "  ex- 
claimed the  prefect;  "you  don't  mean  to  say  that  you  keep  the 
bear  that  devoured  your  husband  1 "  "  Alas  ! "  she  replied, 
**  it  is  all  that  is  left  to  me  of  the  poor  dear  man  ? " 

If  any  other  excuse  be  needed  for  thus  presenting  the  British 
public  with  A.  Ward's  "  last,"  in  addition  to  the  pertinency  of 
the  article  and  its  real  merit,  that  excuse  may  be  found  in  the 
fact  that  it  is  thoroughly  new  to  readers  on  this  side  of  the 
Atlantic. 

The  general  public  will  undoubtedly  receive  "Artemus  Ward 
among  the  Fenians  "  with  approving  laughter.  Should  it  fall 
into  the  hands  of  a  philo-Fenian,  the  effect  may  be  different. 
To  him  it  would  probably  have  the  wrong  action  of  the  Yan- 
kee bone-picking  machine. 

"I've  got  a  new  machine,'*  said  a  Yankee  pedlar,  "for 
picking  bones  out  of  fish.  Now,  I  tell  you,  it 's  a  leetle  bit 
the  darndest  thing  you  ever  did  see.     All  you  have  to  do  is  to 


PRELIMINARY.  317 

set  it  on  a  table  and  turn  a  crank,  and  the  fish  flies  right  down 
your  throat  and  the  bones  right  under  the  grate.  AVell,  there 
was  a  country  greenhorn  got  hold  of  it  the  other  day,  and  he 
turned  the  crank  the  wrong  way  \  and,  I  tell  you,  the  way  the 
bones  flew  down  his  throat  was  awful.  Why,  it  stuck  that 
fellow  so  full  of  bones,  that  he  could  not  get  his  shirt  off  for  a 
whole  week  ! " 

In  addition  to  the  paper  on  the  Fenians,  two  other  articles 
by  Artemus  Ward  are  reprinted  in  the  present  volume.  One 
relates  to  the  city  of  Washington,  and  the  other  to  the  author's 
imaginary  town  of  Baldinsville.  Both  are  highly  characteristic 
of  the  writer  and  of  his  quaint  spellings — a  heterography  not 
more  odd  than  that  of  the  postmaster  of  Shawnee  County^ 
Missouri,  who,  returning  his  account  to  the  General  Ojfice, 
wrote,  "  I  hearby  sertify  that  the  four  going  A-Counte  is  aa 
nere  Eite  as  I  now  how  to  make  It,  if  there  is  any  mistake  it 
is  not  Dun  a  purpers." 

Artemus  Ward  has  created  a  new  model  for  funny  writers  ; 

and  the  fact  is  noticeable  that,  in  various  parts  of  this  country 

as  well  as  in  his  own,  he  has  numerous  puny  imitators,  who 

suppose  that  by  simply  adopting  his  comic  spelling  they  can 

write  quite  as  well  as  he  can.     Perhaps  it  would  be  as  well  if 

they  remembered  the  joke  of  poor  Thomas  Hood,  who  said 

that  he  could  write  as  well  as  Shakespere  if  he  had  the  mind 

to,  but  the  trouble  was — lie  had  not  got  the  mind. 

*     *     » 

lUh  June  1866. 

P.S. — June  \Uh. — Artemus  Ward  really  arrived  in  London 
yesterday.  He  has  come  to  England  at  last,  though,  like  "  La 
Belle  H^l^ne"  at  the  Adelphi  Theatre,  he  "has  been  some 
time  in  preparation." 


ARTEMJS  WARD  AMONG  THE 
FENIANS. 


To  Home,  April  186G. 
The  Finians  conveened  in  our  town  the  other  night,  and  took 
steps  toord  freein  Ireland.  They  met  into  the  Town  Hall,  and 
by  the  kind  invite  of  my  naber,  Mr  Mulroony  O'Shaughnessy, 
whose  ancestors  at  least  must  have  Irish  blood  in  their  veins, 
1  went  over. 

You  may  not  be  awair,  by  the  way,  that  I  Ve  been  a  invalid 
here  to  home  for  sev'ril  weeks.  And  it 's  all  owin  to  my  own 
improodens.  Not  feelin  like  eating  a  full  meal  when  the  cars 
stopt  for  dinner,  in  the  South,  where  I  lately  was,  I  went  into 
a  Resterater  and  et  20  hard  biled  eggs.  I  think  they  effected 
my  Liver. 

My  wife  says,  Po,  po.  She  says  I  've  got  a  splendid  liver  * 
for  a  man  of  my  time  of  life.  I  Ve  heard  of  men's  livers  gradoo- 
ally  wastin'  away  till  they  hadn't  none.  It 's  a  dreadful  thing 
when  a  man's  liver  gives  him  the  shake. 

Two  years  ago  comin  this  May,  I  had  a  'tack  of  fever-'n-ager, 
and  by  the  advice  of  Miss  Peasley  (who  continues  single  and 
is  correspondinly  unhappy  in  the  same  ratio)  I  consulted  a 
Spiritooul  mejum — a  writin'  mejum.  I  got  a  letter  from  a 
cel'brated  Injin  chief,  who  writ  me,  accordin  to  the  mejum, 
that  he'd  been  ded  two  hundred  and  seventeen  (217)  years, 
and  liked  it.     He  then  said,  let  the  Pale  face  drink  sum  yarb 

*  In  America  perhaps  nine  complaints  out  of  ten  are  attributed  to  some 
•lerangement  of  the  liver. — Ed. 


A.  WARD  AMONG  THE  FENIANS.  319 

tea !  I  drinkt  it,  and  it  really  helpt  me.  I  've  writ  to  this 
talented  savige  this  time  thro'  the  same  mejum,  but  as  yet  I 
hain't  got  any  answer.  Perhaps  he 's  in  a  spear  where  they 
hain't  got  any  postage  stamps. 

But  thanks  to  careful  nussin,  I  *m  improvin  rapid. 

The  Town  Hall  waz  jam-full  of  people,  mostly  Irish  citizens, 
and  the  enthusiasm  was  immense.  They  cheer'd  everybody 
and  everything.     They  cheer'd  me. 

"  Hurroo  for  Ward  !     Hurroo  !  " 

They  was  all  good  nabers  of  mine,  and  I  ansered  in  a  plea- 
sant voice,  "  All  right,  boys,  all  right.  Mavoorneen,  och 
hone,  aroon,  Cooshla  macree  ! " 

These  Irish  remarks  bein'  received  with  great  applaus,  I 
added,  "  Mushier  !  mushier  ! " 

"  Good  1  good  ! "  cried  Captain  Spingler,  who  desires  the 
Irish  vote  for  county  clerk  ;  "  that's  fus'  rate." 

**  You  see  what  I'm  drivin  at,  don't  you.  Cap  ? "  I  said. 

"  Certainly." 

"  Well,"  I  ansered,  "I'm  very  glad  you  do,  becaus  I  don't." 

This  made  the  Finians  larf,  and  they  said,  "  Walk  up  onto 
the  speaker's  platform,  sir." 

The  speeches  was  red  hot  agin  England,  and  hir  iron  heel, 
nnd  it  was  resolved  to  free  Ireland  at  onct.  But  it  was  much 
desirable  before  freein  her  that  a  large  quantity  of  funds 
should  be  raised.  And,  like  the  gen'rous  souls  as  they  was, 
funs  was  lib'rally  contribooted.  Then  arose  a  excitin  discus- 
sion as  to  which  head  center  they  should  send  'em  to — 
O'Mahony  or  McKoberts.  There  was  grate  excitement  over 
this,  but  it  was  finally  resolved  to  send  half  to  one  and  half 
to  'tother. 

Then  Mr  Finnigan  rose  and  said,  "  We  have  here  to-night 
Bum  citizens  of  American  birth,  from  whom  we  should  be  glad 
to  hear.  It  would  fill  our  harts  with  speechless  joy  to  hear 
from  a  man  whose  name  towers  high  in  the  zoological  and 
wax-figger  world — from  whose  pearly  lips " 


320  ARTEMUS  WARD 

Says  I,  "  Go  slow,  Finny,  go  slow." 

"  "We  wish  to  hear,"  continued  Mr  Finnigan,  moderatin  his 
stile  summut,  "  from  our  townsman,  Mr  Ward." 

I  beg'd  to  be  declined,  but  it  wan't  no  use.  I  rose  amid  a 
perfeck  uproar  of  applaus. 

I  said  we  had  convened  there  in  a  meetin,  as  I  understood 
it,  or  rather  in  a  body,  as  it  were,  in  ref  rence  to  Ireland.  If 
I  knew  my  own  hart,  every  one  of  us  there,  both  grate  and 
small,  had  an  impulse  flowin  in  his  boosum,  "  and  consequen- 
tially," I  added,  we  "  will  stick  to  it  similar  and  in  accordance 
therewith,  as  long  as  a  spark  of  manhood,  or  the  peple  at 
large.     That 's  the  kind  of  man  I  be  !  " 

Squire  Thaxter  interrupted  me.  The  Squire  feels  the 
wrongs  of  Ireland  deeply,  on  accounts  of  havin  onct  courted 
the  widder  of  a  Irish  gentleman  who  had  lingered  in  a  loath- 
sum  dunjin  in  Dublin,  placed  there  by  a  English  tavern-keeper, 
who  despotically  wanted  him  to  pay  for  a  quantity  of  chops 
and  beer  he  had  consoom'd.  Besides,  th«  Squire  wants  to  be 
re-elected  Justice  of  the  Peace.  "  Mr  Ward,"  he  said,  "  you  've 
bin  drinkin.     You  're  under  the  infloo'nce  of  licker,  sir  ! " 

Says  I,  "  Squire,  not  a  drop  of  good  licker  has  passed  my 
lips  in  fifteen  years." 

[Cries  of  "Oh,  here  now,  that  won't  do."] 

"  It  is  troo,"  I  said.  "  Not  a  drop  of  good  licker  has  passed 
my  lips  in  all  that  time.  I  don't  let  it  pass  'em.  I  reach  for 
it  while  it's  goin  by !"  says  I.  "  Squire,  harness  me  sum 
more  -I " 

*'  I  beg  pardon,"  said  the  Squire,  "  for  the  remark  ;  you  are 
sober;  but  what  on  airth  are  you  drivin  at?" 

"  Yes  !"  I  said,  "  that 's  just  it.  That's  what  I  've  bin  axin 
myself  durin  the  entire  evenin.  What  is  this  grate  meetin 
drivin  at?  What's  all  the  grate  Finian  meetins  drivin  at  all 
over  the  country  ? 

"  My  Irish  frens,  you  know  me  well  enuff  to  know  that  I  didn't 
come  here  to  disturb  this  meetin.     Nobody  but  a  loafer  will 


AMONG  THE  FENIANS,  321 

disturb  any  kind  of  a  meetin.  And  if  you  '11  notiss  it,  them 
as  are  up  to  this  sort  of  thing,  allers  come  to  a  bad  end. 
There  was  a  young  man — I  will  not  mention  his  name — who 
disturb'd  my  show  in  a  certain  town,  two  years  ago,  by  makin 
remarks  disrespectful  of  my  animals,  accompanied  by  a  allosan 
to  the  front  part  of  my  hed,  which,  as  you  see,  it  is  Bald — 
sayin,  says  this  young  man,  '  You  sandpaper  it  too  much,  but 
you  've  got  a  beautiful  head  of  hair  in  the  back  of  your  neck, 
old  man.'  This  made  a  few  ignent  and  low-mindid  persons 
larf ;  but  what  was  the  fate  of  that  young  man  ?  In  less  than 
a  month  his  aunt  died  and  left  him  a  farm  in  Oxford  county, 
Maine !  The  human  mind  can  pictur  no  grater  misfortin 
than  this. 

"  No,  my  Irish  frens,  I  am  here  as  your  naber  and  fren.  I 
know  you  are  honest  in  this  Finian  matter. 

"  But  let  us  look  at  them  Head  Centers.  Let  us  look  at 
them  rip  roarin  orators  in  New  York,  who  've  bin  tearin  round 
for  up'ards  a  year,  swearin  Ireland  shall  be  free. 

"  There's  two  parties — O'McMahoneys  and  McO'Eoberts. 
One  thinks  the  best  way  is  to  go  over  to  Canady  and  establish 
a  Irish  Republic  there,  kindly  permittin  the  Canadians  to  pay 
the  expenses  of  that  sweet  Boon ;  and  the  other  wants  to  sail 
direck  for  Dublin  Bay,  where  young  McRoy  and  his  fair  young 
bride  went  down  and  was  drownded,  accordin  to  a  ballad  I 
*nct  heard.  But  there 's  one  pint  on  which  both  sides  agree — 
that 's  the  Funs.  They  're  willin,  them  chaps  in  New  York,  to 
receive  all  the  Funs  you  '11  send  'em.  You  send  a  puss  to-night 
to  Mahony,  and  another  puss  to  Eoberts.  Both  will  receive 
'em.     You  bet.     And  with  other  pusses  it  will  be  sim'lar. 

"  I  went  into  Mr  Delmonico's  *  eatin-house  the  other  night, 
and  I  saw  my  fren  Mr  Terence  McFadden,  who  is  a  elekent 
and  enterprisin  deputy  Centre.  He  was  sittin  at  a  table,  eatin 
a  canvas-back  duck.     Poultry  of  that  kind,  as  you  know,  is 

*  The  first  restaurant  in  New  York,  where  the  best  entertainment  for 
the  highest  prices  may  be  obtained. — Ed. 

X 


322  ARTEMUS  WARD 

rather  high  just  now.  I  think  about  five  dollars  per  Poult 
And  a  bottle  of  green  seal  stood  before  him. 

"  *  How  are  you,  Mr  McFadden  V  I  said. 

"  *  Oh,  Mr  Ward  !  I  am  miserable — miserable  !  The  wrongs 
we  Irishmen  suffer !  Oh,  Ireland !  Will  a  troo  history  of 
your  sufferins  ever  be  written  1  Must  we  be  for  ever  ground 
under  by  the  iron  heel  of  despotic  Briton  ?  But,  Mr  Ward, 
won't  you  eat  suthin  1 ' 

"  '■  Well,'"  I  said,  " '  if  there's  another  canvas-back  and  a  spare 
bottle  of  that  green  seal  in  the  house,  I  wouldn't  mind  jinin 
you  in  bein  ground  under  by  Briton's  iron  heel.' 

" '  Green  turtle  soup,  first  V  he  said. 

"*  Well,  yes.  If  I'm  to  share  the  wrongs  of  Ireland  with 
you,  I  don't  care  if  I  do  hav  a  bowl  of  soup.  Put  a  bean  into 
it,'  I  said  to  the  waiter.  *  It  will  remind  me  of  my  childhood 
days,  when  we  had  'em  baked  in  conjunction  with  pork  every 
Sunday  mornin,  and  then  all  went  up  to  the  village  church, 
and  had  a  refreshin  nap  in  the  fam'ly  pew.' 

"  Mr  McFadden,  who  was  sufferin  so  thurily  for  Ireland, 
was  of  the  Mahony  wing.  I  've  no  doubt  that  some  ekally 
patriotic  member  of  the  Eoberts  wing  was  sufferin  in  the  same 
way  over  to  the  Mason-Dory*  eatin-house. 

"They  say,  feller  citizens,  soon  you  will  see  a  Blow  struck 
for  Irish  liberty  !  We  hain't  seen  nothin  hut  a  Blow,  so  far — 
it 's  bin  all  blow,  and  the  blowers  in  New  York  won't  git  out 
of  Bellusses  as  long  as  our  Irish  frens  in  the  rooral  districks 
send  'em  money. 

"  Let  the  Green  float  above  the  red,  if  that  '11  make  it  feel 
any  better,  but  don't  you  be  the  Green.  Don't  never  go  into 
anything  till  you  know  whereabouts  you  're  goin  to. 

"  This  is  a  very  good  country  here  where  you  are.  You 
Irish  hav  enjoyed  our  boons,  held  your  share  in  our  offices, 
and  you  certainly  hav  done  you  share  of  our  votin.     Then  why 

*  Another  restaurant,  only  a  trifle  less  famous  and  expensive  than  its 
more  celebrated  rival. — Ed. 


AMONG  THE  FENIANS.  323 

this  hullabaloo  about  freein  Ireland  1  You  do  your  frens  in 
Ireland  a  great  injoory,  too ;  because  they  b'lieve  you  're  comin 
sure  enuff,  and  they  fly  off  the  handle  and  git  into  jail.  My 
Irish  frens,  ponder  these  things  a  little.  'Zamine  'em  closely, 
and  above  all  find  out  where  the  pusses  go  to." 

I  sot  down.  There  was  no  applaws,  but  they  listened  to 
me  kindly.  They  know'd  I  was  honest,  however  wrong  I 
might  be ;  and  they  know'd,  too,  that  there  was  no  peple  on 
arth  whose  generosity  and  gallantry  I  had  a  higher  respect 
for  than  the  Irish,  excep  when  the  fly  off  the  handle.  So,  my 
feller  citizens,  let  me  toot  my  horn. 

But  Squire  Thaxter  put  his  hand  onto  my  hed  and  said,  in 
a  mournful  tone  of  vois,  "  Mr  Ward,  your  mind  is  failin. 
Your  intellect  totters  !  You  are  only  about  sixty  years  of 
age,  yet  you  will  soon  be  a  driveUn  dotard,  and  hav  no  control 
over  yourself." 

'*  I  have  no  control  over  my  arms  now,"  I  replied,  drivin  my 
elbows  suddenly  into  the  Squire's  stomack,  which  caused  that 
corpulent  magistrate  to  fall  vilently  off  the  stage  into  the 
fiddlers*  box,  where  he  stuck  his  vener'ble  hed  into  a  base 
drum,  and  stated  "  Murder "  twice,  in  a  very  loud  vois. 

It  was  late  when  I  got  home.  The  children  and  my  wife 
was  all  abed.  But  a  candle — a  candle  made  from  taller  of  our 
own  raisin — gleamed  in  Betsy's  room ;  it  gleamed  for  I !  All 
was  still.  The  sweet  silver  moon  was  a  shinin  bright,  and 
the  beautiful  stars  was  up  to  their  usual  doins  !  I  felt  a  sen- 
tymental  mood  so  gently  ore  me  stealin,  and  I  pawsed  before 
Betsy's  winder,  and  sung,  in  a  kind  of  op'ratic  vois,  as  follers, 
impromtoo,  to  wit : 

Wake,  Bessy,  wake, 

My  sweet  galoot  I 
Rise  up,  fair  lady, 

While  I  touch  my  lute  ! 

The  winder — I  regret  to  say  that  the  winder  went  up  with 
a  vi'lent  crash,  and  a  form  robed  in  spotless  white  exclaimed, 


324  ARTEMUS  WARD 

"  Cam  into  the  house,  you  old  fool.     To-morrer  you  '11  be  goin 
round  complainin  about  your  liver  ! " 

1  sot  up  a  spell  by  the  kitchen  fire  readin  Lewis  Napoleon's 
"  Life  of  Julius  Caesar."  What  a  reckless  old  cuss  he  was  I 
Yit  Lewis  picturs  him  in  glowin  cullers.  Caesar  made  it  lively 
for  the  boys  in  Gaul,  didn't  he  %  He  slewd  one  million  of 
citizens,  male  and  female — Gauls  and  Gaulusses — and  then  he 
sold  another  million  of  'em  into  slavery.  He  continnered  this 
cheerful  stile  of  thing  for  sum  time,  when  one  day  he  was 
'sassinated  in  Rome  by  sum  high-toned  Roman  gen'lmen,  led 
on  by  Mr  Brutus.  When  old  Bruty  inserted  his  knife  into 
him,  Caesar  admitted  that  he  was  gone  up.  His  funeral  was  a 
great  success,  the  house  bein  crowded  to  its  utmost  capacity. 
Ten  minutes  after  the  doors  were  opened,  the  Ushers  had  to 
put  up  cards  on  which  was  printed,  "  Standin  Room  Only." 

I  went  to  bed  at  last.  "  And  so,"  I  said,  "  thou  hast  no 
ear  for  sweet  melody  %  " 

A  silvery  snore  was  my  only  answer. 

Betsy  slept. 

Artkmus  Ward. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  WASHINGTON. 

[The  following  paper  was  contributed  by  Mr  Browne  to  Vanity  Fair, 
tlie  Kew  York  Punch,  which  terminated  its  career  during  the  late  war. 
Some  of  the- allusions  are,  of  course,  to  matters  long  past;  but  the  old 
fun  and  genuine  humour  of  the  showman  are  as  enjoyable  now  as  when 
first  written .] 

W^ASHINGTON,  April  17,  1863. 
My  wife  stood  before  the  lookin-glass,  a  fussin  up  her  hair. 

*'  What  you  doin,  Betsy  V  I  inquired. 

"  Doin  up  my  back  hair,"  she  replied. 

"  Betsy,"  sed  I,  with  a  stern  air,  "  Betsy,  you  're  too  old  to 
think  about  such  frivolities  as  back  hair." 


IN  WASHINGTON.  325 

"  Too  old  ?  too  old  ? "  she  screamed ;  "  too  old,  you  bald- 
heded  idiot !  You  ain't  got  hair  enuff  onto  your  hed  to  make 
a  decent  wig  for  a  single-brested  grasshopper ! " 

The  Rebook  was  severe,  but  merited.  Hens4th  I  shall  let 
my  wife's  back  hair  alone.     You  heard  me  ! 

My  little  dawter  is  growin  quite  rapid,  and  begins  to 
scrootinize  clothin,  with  young  men  inside  of  it,  puthy  clost. 
I  obsarve,  too,  that  she  twists  pieces  of  paper  round  her  hair 
at  nights,  and  won't  let  me  put  my  arms  round  her  any  more 
for  fear  I  '11  muss  her.  "  Your  mother  wasn't  'fraid  I  'd  muss 
her  when  she  was  your  age,  my  child,"  sed  I  one  day,  with  a 
dy  twinkle  into  my  dark  bay  eye. 

"  No,"  replied  my  little  dawter,  "  she  probly  liked  it." 

You  ain't  going  to  fool  female  Young  America  much.  You 
may  gamble  on  that. 

But  all  this,  which  happened  in  Baldinsville  a  week  ago, 
hain't  nothin  to  do  with  Washington,  from  whither  I  now 
write  you,  hopin  the  items  I  hereby  sends  will  be  exceptable 
to  the  Gin-Cocktail  of  America — I  mean  the  Punch  thereof. 
[A  mild  wittikism. — A.  W.] 

Washington,  D.  C.,*  is  the  Capital  of  "our  once  happy 
country " — if  I  may  be  allowed  to  koin  a  frase  !  The  D.  C. 
stands  for  Desprit  Cusses,  a  numerosity  which  abounds  here, 
the  most  of  whom  persess  a  Eomantic  pashun  for  gratooitous 
drinks.  And  in  this  conjunction  I  will  relate  an  incident.  I 
notist  for  several  days  a  large  Hearse  standin  in  front  of  the 
principal  tavern  on  Pennsylvany  Avenoo.  '*  Can  you  tell  me, 
my  fair  Castillian,"  sed  I  this  mornin,  to  a  young  Spaniard 
from  Tipperary,  who  was  blackin  boots  in  the  washroom — 
"  can  you  tell  me  what  those  Hearse  is  kept  standin  out  there 
for  ? " 

"  Well,  you  see  our  Bar  bisness  is  great.  You  Ve  no  idee 
of  the  number  of  people  who  drink  at  our  Bar  durin  a  day 
You  see  those  Hearse  is  necessary." 

*  District  of  Columbia. — Ed. 


326  ARTEMUS  WARD 

I  saw. 

Standin  in  front  of  the  tarvuns  on  Pennsylvany  Avenoo  id 
a  lot  of  miserbul  wretches, — ^black,  white  and  ring  strickid, 
and  freckled — with  long  whips  in  their  hands,  who  frowns 
upon  you  like  the  wulture  upon  the  turtle-dove  the  minit  you 
dismerge  from  hotel.  They  own  yonder  four-wheeled  startlin 
curiositys,  which  were  used  years  and  years  ago  by  the  fust 
settlers  of  Virginny  to  carry  live  hogs  to  market  in.  The  best 
carriage  I  saw  in  the  entire  collection  was  used  by  Pocky- 
hontas,  sum  two  hundred  years  ago  as  a  goat-pen.  Becumin 
so  used  up  that  it  couldn't  hold  goats,  that  fair  and  gentle 
savage  put  it  up  at  auction.  Subsekently  it  was  used  as  a 
hospital  for  sick  calves,  then  as  a  hencoop,  and  finally  it  was 
put  on  wheels  and  is  now  doin  duty  as  a  hack. 

I  called  on  Secretary  Welles,  of  the  Navy.  You  know  he 
is  quite  a  mariner  himself,  havin  once  owned  a  Raft  of  logs  on 
the  Connethycut  river.  So  I  put  on  saler  stile  and  hollered : 
"  Ahoy,  shipmet !     Tip  us  yer  grapplin  irons  ! " 

"Yes,  yes!"  he  sed,  nervously,  "but  mercy  on  us,  don't 
be  so  noisy." 

"  Ay,  ay,  my  hearty !  But  let  me  sing  about  how  Jack 
Stokes  lost  his  gal : — 

*  The  reason  why  he  couldn't  gain  her, 
Was  becoz  he's  drunken  saler ! ' 

"  That 's  very  good,  indeed,"  said  the  Secky,  "  but  this  in 
hardly  the  place  to  sing  songs  in,  my  frend." 

"  Let  me  write  the  songs  of  a  nashun,"  sed  I,  "  and  I  don't 
care  a  cuss  who  goes  to  the  legislater  !  But  I  ax  your  pardon — 
how 's  things  1 " 

**  Comfortable,  I  thank  you.  I  have  here,"  he  added,  "  a 
copy  of  the  Middletown  Weekly  Clarion  of  February  the  15, 
containin  a  report  that  there  isn't  much  Union  sentiment  in 
South  Caroliny,  but  I  hardly  credit  it." 

"  Air  you  well,  Mr  Secky,"  sed  I.  **  Is  your  liver  all  right? 
How's  your  koffi" 


tN  WASHINGTON,  3^7 

"  God  bless  me  ! "  sed  the  Secky,  risin  hastily  and  glarin 
wildly  at  me,  "  what  do  you  mean  ?  " 

**  Oh  nothin  partickler.  Only  it  is  one  of  the  beauties  of  a 
Republican  form  of  gov'ment  that  a  Cabnit  offisser  can  pack  up 
his  trunk  and  go  home  whenever  he 's  sick.  Sure  nothin  don't 
ail  your  liver  ?  **  sed  I,  pokin  him  putty  vilent  in  the  stummick. 

I  called  on  Abe.  He  received  me  kindly.  I  handed  him 
my  umbreller,  and  told  him  I  'd  have  a  check  for  it  if  he 
pleased.  "  That,"  sed  he,  "  puts  me  in  mind  of  a  little  story. 
There  was  a  man  out  in  our  parts  who  was  so  mean  that  he 
took  his  wife's  coflBn  out  of  the  back  winder  for  fear  he  would 
rub  the  paint  off  the  doorway.  Wall,  about  this  time  there 
was  a  man  in  a  adjacent  town  who  had  a  green  cotton  um- 
breUer." 

"Did  it  fit  him  well?  Was  it  custom  made?  Was  he 
measured  for  it  ? " 

"  Measured  for  what  ? "  said  Abe. 

*'  The  umbreller  ?  " 

"  Wall,  a«;  I  was  sayin,"  continnerd  the  Profiident,  treatin 
the  interruption  with  apparent  contempt,  "  this  man  sed  he  'd 
known  that  there  umbreller  ever  since  it  was  a  parasol.  Ha, 
ha,  ha  ! " 

"  Yes,"  sed  I,  larfin  in  a  respectful  manner,  but  what  has 
this  man  with  the  umbreller  to  do  with  the  man  who  took  his 
wife's  coffin  out  of  the  back  winder  ? " 

"  To  be  sure,"  said  Abe — "  what  was  it  ?  I  must  have  got 
two  stories  mixed  together,  which  puts  me  in  mind  of  another 
lit *' 

"Never  mind,  Your  Excellency.  I  called  to  congratulate  you 
on  your  career,  which  has  been  a  honest  and  a  good  one — un- 
scared  and  unmoved  by  Secesh  in  front  of  you  and  Abbolish  at 
the  back  of  you — each  one  of  which  is  a  little  wuss  than  the 
other  if  possible  ! 

"Tell  E.  Stanton  that  his  boldness,  honesty,  and  vigger 
merits  all  prase,  but  to  keep  his  under-garmints  on.      E.  Stan- 


328  ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  WASHINGTOJ^. 

ton  has  appeerently  only  one  weakness,  which  it  is,  he  can't 
ill  as  keep  his  under-garmints  from  flyin  up  over  his  hed.  I 
mean  that  he  occasionally  dances  in  a  peck-measure,  and  he 
don't  look  graceful  at  it." 

I  took  my  departer.  "  Good  bye,  old  sweetness  ! "  sed  Abe, 
shakin  me  cordgully  by  the  hand. 

"  Adoo,  my  Prahayrie  flower  ! "  I  replied,  and  made  my 
exit.  "  Twenty-five  thousand  dollars  a  year  and  found,"  I 
soliloquised,  as  I  walked  down  the  street,  "is  putty  good 
wages  for  a  man  with  a  modist  appytite,  but  I  reckon  that  it 
is  wuth  it  to  run  the  White  House." 

"  What  you  bowt,  sah  ?     What  the  debble  you  doin,  sah  % " 

It  was  the  voice  of  an  Afrikin  Brother  which  thus  spoke  to 
me.  There  was  a  cullud  procession  before  me  which  was 
escortin  a  elderly  bald-hedded  Afrikin  to  his  home  in  Bates 
Alley.  This  distinguished  Afrikin  Brother  had  just  returned 
from  Lybery,  and  in  turnin  a  corner  puty  suddent  I  hed 
stumbled  and  placed  my  hed  agin  his  stummick  in  a  rather 
strengthy  manner. 

"  Do  you  wish  to  impede  the  progress  of  this  procession, 
sahr' 

"  Certainly  not,  by  all  means  !     Procesh  !" 

And  they  went  on. 

I  'm  reconstructing  my  show.  I  Ve  bo't  a  collection  of  life- 
size  wax  figgers  of  our  prominent  Revolutionary  forefathers. 
I  bo't  'em  at  auction,  and  got  'em  cheap.  They  stand  me 
about  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  (2  dols.  50  cents)  per  Revolu- 
tionary forefather. 

Ever  as  always  yours, 

A  Ward. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S 
LECTURE. 


The  Lecture  on  the  Mormons  was  thus  announced  to  the 
public  of  New  York,  when  Artemus  Ward  first  appeared  at 
Dodworth  Hall  :— 

The  Festivities  at  Dodworth  Hall  will  be  commenced  by  tbe  pianist,  a 
gentleman  who  used  to  board  in  the  same  street  with  Gottschalk.  The 
man  who  kept  the  boarding-house  remembers  it  distinctly.  The  overture 
will  consist  of  a  medley  of  airs,  including  the  touching  new  ballads — 
"  Dear  Sister,  is  there  any  Pie  in  the  house  ?"  "  My  Gentle  Father,  have 
you  any  Fine  Cut  about  you  ? "  **  Mother,  is  the  Battle  o'er — and  is  it  safe 
for  me  to  come  home  from  Canada  ? "  And  (by  request  of  several  families 
who  haven't  heard  it)  "  Tramp,  tramp,  tramp,  the  Boys  are  Marching." 
While  the  enraptured  ear  drinks  in  the  sweet  music  (we  pay  our  pianist 
nine  dollars  a  week,  and  "find  him")  the  eye  will  be  enchained  by  the 
magnificent  green  baize  covering  of  the  panorama.  This  green  baize  cost 
40  cents  a  yard  at  Mr  Stewart's  store.  It  was  bought  in  deference  to  the 
present  popularity  of  "  The  Wearing  of  the  Green."  We  shall  keep  up 
to  the  timea  if  we  spend  the  last  dollar  our  friends  have  got. 


INTRODUCTION 

BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON. 


FEW  tasks  are  more  difficult  or  delicate  than  to  write 
ou  the  subject  of  the  works  or  character  of  a  departed 
friend.  The  pen  falters  as  the  familiar  face  looks  out  of  the 
paper.  The  mind  is  diverted  from  the  thought  of  death  as 
the  memory  recalls  some  happy  epigram.  It  seems  so  strange 
that  the  hand  that  traced  the  jokes  should  be  cold,  that  the 
tongue  that  trolled  out  the  good  things  should  be  silent — that 
the  jokes  and  the  good  things  should  remain,  and  the  man 
who  made  them  should  be  gone  for  ever. 

The  works  of  Charles  Farrer  Browne — who  was  known  to 
the  world  as  "  Artemus  Ward  " — have  run  through  so  many 
editions,  have  met  with  such  universal  popularity,  and  have 
been  so  widely  criticised,  that  it  is  needless  to  mention  them 
here.  So  many  biographies  have  been  written  of  the  gentle- 
man who  wrote  in  the  character  of  the  'cute  Yankee  Showman, 
that  it  is  unnecessary  that  I  should  touch  upon  his  life,  be- 
longings, or  adventures.  Of  "  Artemus  Ward  "  I  know  just 
as  much  as  the  rest  of  the  world.  I  prefer,  therefore,  to  speak 
of  Charles  Farrer  Browne,  as  I  knew  him,  and,  in  doing  so,  I 
can  promise  those  friends  who  also  knew  him  and  esteemed 
him,  that  as  I  consider  no  "  public  "  man  so  public,  that  some 
portion  of  his  work,  pleasures,  occupations,  and  habits  may  not 


332  INTRODUCTION 

be  considered  private,  I  shall  only  mention  how  kind  and  nohle- 
minded  was  the  man  of  whom  I  write,  without  dragging  for- 
ward special  and  particular  acts  in  proof  of  my  words,  as  if  the 
goodness  of  his  mind  and  character  needed  the  certificate  of 
facts. 

I  first  saw  Charles  Browne  at  a  literary  club  ;  he  had  only 
been  a  few  hours  in  London,  and  he  seemed  highly  pleased  and 
excited  at  finding  himself  in  the  old  city  to  which  his  thoughts 
had  so  often  wandered.  Browne  was  an  intensely  sympa- 
thetic man.  His  brain  and  feelings  were  as  a  "  lens,"  and  he 
received  impressions  immediately.  No  man  could  see  him 
without  liking  him  at  once.  His  manner  was  straightforward 
and  genial,  and  had  in  it  the  dignity  of  a  gentleman,  tempered, 
as  it  were,  by  the  fun  of  the  humorist.  When  you  heard  him 
talk  you  wanted  to  make  much  of  him.,  not  because  he  was 
"  Artemus  Ward,"  but  because  he  was  himself,  for  no  one  less 
resembled  "  Artemus  Ward "  than  his  author  and  creator, 
Charles  Farrer  Browne.  But  a  few  weeks  ago  it  was  remarked 
to  me  that  authors  were  a  disappointing  race  to  know,  and  I 
agreed  with  the  remark,  and  I  remember  a  lady  once  said  to 
me  that  the  personal  appearance  of  poets  seldom  "  came  up  " 
to  their  works.  To  this  I  replied  that,  after  all,  poets  were 
but  men,  and  that  it  was  as  unreasonable  to  expect  that  the 
late  Sir  Walter  Scott  could  at  all  resemble  a  Gathering  of  the 
Clans  as  that  the  late  Lord  Macaulay  should  appear  anything 
like  the  Committal  of  the  Seven  Bishops  to  the  Tower.  I  told 
the  lady  that  she  was  unfair  to  eminent  men  if  she  hoped  that 
celebrated  engineers  would  look  like  tubular  bridges,  or  that 
Sir  Edwin  Landseer  would  remind  her  of  a  "Midsummer 
Night's  Dream."  I  mention  this  because,  of  all  men  in  the 
world,  my  friend  Charles  Browne  was  the  least  like  a  showman 
of  any  man  I  ever  encountered.  I  can  remember  the  odd  half- 
disappointed  look  of  some  of  the  visitors  to  the  Egyptian 
Hall  when  "  Artemus  "  stepped  upon  the  platform.  At  first 
they  thought  that  he  was  a  gentleman  who   appeared   to 


BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON.  333 

apologise  for  the  absence  of  the  showman.  They  had  pic- 
tured to  themselves  a  coarse  old  man,  with  a  damp  eye  and 
a  puckered  mouth,  one  eyebrow  elevated  an  inch  above 
the  other  to  express  shrewdness  and  knowledge  of  the 
world — a  man  clad  in  velveteen  and  braid,  with  a  heavy 
watch-chain,  large  rings,  and  horny  hands,  the  touter  to  a 
wax-work  show,  with  a  hoarse  voice,  and  over  familiar 
manner.  The  slim  gentleman  in  evening  dress,  polished 
manners,  and  gentle  voice,  with  a  tone  of  good  breeding  that 
hovered  between  deference  and  jocosity ;  the  owner  of  those 
thin — those  much  too  thin — white  hands  could  not  be  the 
man  who  spelt  joke  with  a  "  g."  Folks  who  came  to  laugh, 
began  to  fear  that  they  should  remain  to  be  instructed,  until 
the  gentlemanly  disappointer  began  to  speak,  then  they 
recovered  their  real  "  Artemus,"  Betsy  Jane,  wax-figgers, 
and  all.  Will  patriotic  Americans  forgive  me  if  I  say  that 
Charles  Browne  loved  England  dearly  %  He  had  been  in 
London  but  a  few  days  when  he  paid  a  visit  to  the  Tower. 
He  knew  English  history  better  than  most  Englishmen  ;  and 
the  Tower  of  London  was  to  him  the  history  of  England  em- 
balmed in  stone  and  mortar.  No  man  had  more  reverence  in 
his  nature  ;  and  at  the  Tower  he  saw  that  what  he  had  read 
was  real.  There  were  the  beef-eaters ;  there  had  been  Queen 
Elizabeth  and  Sir  Walter  Raleigh,  and  Lady  Jane  Grey,  and 
Shakspere's  murdered  princes,  and  their  brave,  cruel  uncle. 
There  was  the  block  and  the  axe,  and  the  armour  and 
the  jewels.  "  St  George  for  Merrie  England !  "  had  been 
shouted  in  the  Holy  Land,  and  men  of  the  same  blood  as 
himself  had  been  led  against  the  infidel  by  men  of  the  same 
brain  and  muscle  as  George  Washington.  Robin  Hood  was 
a  reality,  and  not  a  schoolboy's  myth  like  Ali  Baba  and 
Valentine  and  Orson. 

There  were  two  sets  of  feelings  in  Charles  Browne  at  the 
Tower.  He  could  appreciate  the  sublimity  of  history,  but,  as 
the  "  Show  '  part  of  the  exhibition  was  described  to  him,  the 


334  INTRODUCTION 

humorist,  the  wit,  and  the  iconoclast  from  the  other  side  ot 
the  Atlantic  must  have  smiled  at  the  "  descriptions."  The 
"  Tower  "  was  a  "  show,"  like  his  own — Artemus  Ward's.  A 
price  was  paid  for  admission,  and  the  "  figgers"  were  "  orated.'' 
Real  jewellery  is  very  like  sham  jewellery  after  all,  and  the 
"An emus"  vein  in  Charles  Browne's  mental  constitution — 
the  vein  of  humour,  whose  source  was  a  strong  contempt  of 
all  things  false,  mean,  shabby,  pretentious,  and  only  external 
— of  bunkum  and  Barnumisation — must  have  seen  a  gigantic 
speculation  realising  shiploads  of  dollars  if  the  Tower  could 
have  been  taken  over  to  the  States,  and  exhibited  from  town 
to  town — the  Star  and  Stripes  flying  over  it — with  a  four- 
horse  lecture  to  describe  the  barbarity  of  the  ancient  British 
Barons  and  the  cuss  of  chivalry. 

Artemus  Ward's  Lecture  on  the  Mormons  at  the  Egyptian 
Hall,  Piccadilly,  was  a  great  success.  His  humour  was  so 
entirely  fresh,  new,  and  unconventional,  it  took  his  hearers  by 
surprise,  and  charmed  them.  His  failing  health  compelled 
him  to  abandon  the  lecture  after  about  eight  or  ten  weeks. 
Indeed,  during  that  brief  period  he  was  once  or  twice  com- 
pelled to  dismiss  his  audience.  I  have  myself  seen  him  sink 
into  a  chair  and  nearly  faint  after  the  exertion  of  dressing. 
He  exhibited  the  greatest  anxiety  to  be  at  his  post  at  the 
appointed  time,  and  scrupulously  exerted  himself  to  the 
utmost  to  entertain  his  auditors.  It  was  not  because  he  was 
sick  that  the  public  was  to  be  disappointed,  or  that  their 
enjoyment  was  to  be  diminished.  During  the  last  few  weeks 
of  his  lecture- giving  he  steadily  abstained  from  accepting  any 
of  the  numerous  invitations  he  received.  Had  he  lived  through 
the  following  London  fashionable  season,  there  is  little  doubt 
that  the  room  at  the  Egyptian  Hall  would  have  been  thronged 
nightly.  Our  aristocracy  have  a  fine  delicate  sense  of  humour, 
and  the  success,  artistic  and  pecuniary,  of  "  Artemus  Ward " 
would  have  rivalled  that  of  the  famous  "  Lord  Dundreary." 
There  were  many  stupid  people  who  did  not  understand  the 


BV  T.  IV.  ROBERTSON.  335 

**  fun  "  of  Artemus  Ward's  books.  In  their  vernacular  "  they 
didn't  see  it."  There  were  many  stupid  people  who  did  not 
understand  the  fun  of  Artemus  Ward's  lecture  on  the  Mormons. 
They  could  not  see  it.  Highly  respectable  people — the  pride 
of  their  parish,  when  they  heard  of  a  lecture  "  upon  the  Mor- 
mons " — expected  to  see  a  solemn  person,  full  of  old  saws  and 
new  statistics,  who  would  denounce  the  sin  of  polygamy,  and 
bray  against  polygamists  with  four-and-twenty  boiling-water 
Baptist  power  of  denunciation.  These  uncomfortable  Chris- 
tians do  not  like  humour.  They  dread  it  as  a  certain  person- 
age is  said  to  dread  holy  water,  and  for  the  same  reason  that 
thieves  fear  policemen — it  finds  them  out.  When  these  good 
idiots  heard  Artemus  ofi'er,  if  they  did  not  like  the  lecture  in 
Piccadilly,  to  give  them  free  tickets  for  the  same  lecture  in 
California,  when  he  next  visited  that  country,  they  turned  to 
each  other  indignantly,  and  said,  "  What  use  are  tickets  for 
California  to  us  ?  We  are  not  going  to  California.  No  !  we 
are  too  good,  too  respectable,  to  go  so  far  from  home.  The 
man  is  a  fool ! "  One  of  these  ornaments  of  the  vestry  com- 
plained to  the  doorkeepers,  and  denounced  the  lecture  as  an 
imposition  ;  '*  and,"  said  the  wealthy  parishioner,  "  as  for  the 
panorama,  it 's  the  worst  painted  thing  I  ever  saw  in  all  my 
life!" 

But  the  entertainment,  original,  humorous,  and  racy  though 
it  was,  was  dramng  to  a  close  !  In  the  fight  between  youth 
and  death,  death  was  to  conquer.  By  medical  advice  Charles 
Browne  went  for  a  short  time  to  Jersey — but  the  breezes  of 
Jersey  were  powerless.  He  wrote  to  London  to  his  nearest 
and  dearest  friends — the  members  of  a  literary  club  of  which 
he  was  a  member — to  complain  that  his  "  loneliness  weighed 
on  him."  He  was  brought  back,  but  could  not  sustain  the 
journey  farther  than  Southampton.  There  the  members  of 
the  before-mentioned  club  travelled  from  London  to  see  him 
— two  at  a  time — that  he  might  be  less  lonely — and  for  the 
unA\'^arying  solicitude  of  his  friend  and  agent,  Mr  Kingston, 


3^6        INTRODUCTION  BY  T.  W.  ROBERTSON. 

and  to  the  kindly  sympathy  of  the  United  States  Consul  at 
Southampton,  Charles  Browne's  best  and  dearest  friends  had 
cause  to  be  grateful.  I  cannot  close  these  lines  without  men- 
tion of  "Artemus  Ward's"  last  joke.  He  had  read  in  the 
newspapers  that  a  wealthy  American  had  offered  to  present 
the  Prince  of  Wales  with  a  splendid  yacht,  American  built. 

"  It  seems,"  said  the  invalid,  "a  fashion  now-a-daysfor  every- 
body to  present  the  Prince  of  Wales  with  something.  I  think 
I  shall  leave  him — my  panorama  !  " 

Charles  Browne  died  beloved  and  regretted  by  all  who 
knew  him,  and  by  many  who  had  known  him  but  a  few  weeks ; 
and  when  he  drew  his  last  breath,  there  passed  away  the 
spirit  of  a  true  gentleman. 

T.  W.  KOBERTSOK, 

LfilSilM^,  August  lit  \d)^ 


ARTEMUS  WARD  AS  A  LECTURER. 


P  REF AT  O  R Y      NOTE 
BY  EDWARD  P.  KINGSTON. 

IN  Cleveland,  Ohio,  the  pleasant  city  beside  the  lakes,  Artemus 
Ward  first  determined  to  become  a  public  lecturer.  He 
and  I  rambled  through  Cleveland  together  after  his  return  from 
CaUfornia.  He  called  on  some  old  friends  at  the  Herald  office, 
then  went  over  to  the  Weddel  House,  and  afterwards  strolled 
across  to  the  offices  of  the  Plain  Dealer,  where,  in  his  position 
as  sub-editor,  he  had  written  many  of  his  earlier  essays. 
Artemus  inquired  for  Mr  Gray,  the  editor,  who  chanced  to 
be  absent.  Looking  round  at  the  vacant  desks  and  ink-stained 
furniture,  Artemus  was  silent  for  a  minute  or  two,  and  then 
burst  into  one  of  those  peculiar  chuckling  fits  of  laughter  in 
which  he  would  occasionally  indulge  ;  not  a  loud  laugh,  but  a 
shaking  of  the  whole  body  with  an  impulse  of  merriment  which 
set  every  muscle  in  motion.  "  Here,"  said  he,  "  here  's  where 
they  called  me  a  fool."  The  remembrance  of  their  so  calling 
him  seemed  to  aflbrd  him  intense  amusement. 

From  the  office  of  the  Cleveland  Plain  Dealer  we  continued 
our  tour  of  the  town.  Presently  we  found  ourselves  in  front 
of  Perry's  statue,  the  monument  erected  to  commemorate  the 
naval  engagement  on  Lake  Erie,  wherein  the  Americans  came 
off  victorious.  Ai-temus  looked  up  to  the  statue,  laid  his 
finger  to  the  side  of  his  nose,  and,  in  his  quaint  manner,  re- 
marked, "I  wonder  whether  they  called  him  *a  fool'  too, 
when  he  went  to  fight  1 " 

Y 


338  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

The  remark,  following  close  as  it  did  upon  his  laughing  fit 
in  the  newspaper  office,  caused  me  to  inquire  why  he  had  been 
called  "  a  fool,"  and  who  had  called  him  so. 

"  It  was  the  opinion  of  my  friends  on  the  paper,"  he  replied. 
"  I  told  them  that  I  was  going  in  for  lecturing.  They  laughed 
at  me,  and  called  me  'a  fool.'  Don't  you  think  they  were 
right  % " 

Then  we  sauntered  up  Euclid  Street,  under  the  shade  of  its 
avenue  of  trees.  As  we  went  along,  Artemus  Ward  recounted 
to  me  the  story  of  his  becoming  a  lecturer.  Our  conversa- 
tion on  that  agreeable  evening  is  fresh  in  my  remembrance. 
Memory  still  listens  to  the  voice  of  my  companion  in  the  stroll, 
still  sees  the  green  trees  of  Euclid  Street  casting  their  shadows 
across  our  path,  and  still  joins  in  the  laugh  with  Artemus,  who, 
having  just  returned  from  California,  where  he  had  taken  six- 
teen hundred  dollars  at  one  lecture,  did  not  think  that  to  be 
evidence  of  his  having  lost  his  senses. 

The  substance  of  that  which  Artemus  Ward  then  told  me 
was,  that  while  WTiting  for  the  Cleveland  Plain  Dealer  he  was 
accustomed,  in  the  discharge  of  his  duties  as  a  reporter,  to 
attend  the  performances  of  the  various  minstrel  troups  and 
circuses  which  visited  the  neighbourhood.  At  one  of  these  he 
would  hear  some  story  of  his  own,  written  a  month  or  two 
previously,  given  by  the  "  middle-man  "  of  the  minstrels  and 
received  with  hilarity  by  the  audience.  At  another  place  he 
would  be  entertained  by  listening  to  jokes  of  his  own  inven- 
tion, coarsely  retailed  by  the  clown  of  the  ring,  and  shouted  at 
by  the  public  as  capital  waggery  on  the  part  of  the  performer. 
His  own  good  things  from  the  lips  of  another  "  came  back  to 
him  with  alienated  majesty,"  as  Emerson  expresses  it.  Then  the 
thought  would  steal  over  him — Why  should  that  man  gain  a 
living  with  my  witticisms,  and  I  not  use  them  in  the  same  way 
myself?  why  not  be  the  utterer  of  my  own  coinage,  the  quoter 
of  my  own  jests,  the  mouthpiece  of  my  own  merry  conceits  1 
Certainly,  it  was  not  a  very  exalted  ambition  to  aim  at  the 


BY  E.  p.  HINGSTON.  339 

glories  of  a  circus  clown  or  the  triumplis  of  a  minstrel  with  a 
blackened  face.  But,  in  the  United  States  a  somewhat  differ- 
ent view  is  taken  of  that  which  is  fitting  and  seemly  for  a  man 
to  do,  compared  with  the  estimate  we  form  in  this  country. 
In  a  land  where  the  theory  of  caste  is  not  admitted,  the  rela- 
tive respectability  of  the  various  professions  is  not  quite  the 
same  as  it  is  with  us.  There  the  profession  does  not  disqualify 
if  the  man  himself  be  right,  nor  the  claim  to  the  title  of  gentle- 
man depend  upon  the  avocation  followed.  I  know  of  one  or 
two  clowns  in  the  ring  who  are  educated  physicians,  and  not 
tliought  to  be  any  the  less  gentlemen  because  they  propound 
conundrums  and  perpetrate  jests  instead  of  prescribing  pills 
and  potions. 

Artemus  Ward  was  always  very  self-reliant ;  when  once  he 
believed  himself  to  be  in  the  right  it  was  almost  impossible  to 
persuade  him  to  the  contrary.  But,  at  the  same  time,  he  was 
cautious  in  the  extreme,  and  would  well  consider  his  position 
before  deciding  that  which  was  right  or  wrong  for  him  to  do. 
The  idea  of  becoming  a  public  man  having  taken  possession  of 
his  mind,  the  next  point  to  decide  was  in  what  form  he  should 
appear  before  the  public.  That  of  a  humorous  lecturer  seemed 
to  him  to  be  the  best.  It  was  unoccupied  ground.  America 
had  produced  entertainers  who  by  means  of  facial  changes  or 
eccentricities  of  costume  had  contrived  to  amuse  their  audi- 
ences, but  there  was  no  one  who  ventured  to  joke  for  an  hour 
before  a  house  full  of  people  with  no  aid  from  scenery  or  dress. 
The  experiment  was  one  which  Artemus  resolved  to  try. 
Accordingly,  he  set  himself  to  work  to  collect  all  his  best 
quips  and  cranks,  to  invent  what  new  drolleries  he  could,  and 
to  remember  all  the  good  things  that  he  had  heard  or  met 
with.  These  he  noted  down  and  strung  together  almost  with- 
out relevancy  or  connexion.  The  manuscript  chanced  to  fall 
into  the  hands  of  the  people  at  the  office  of  the  newspaper  on 
which  he  was  then  employed,  and  the  question  was  put  to  him 
of  what  use  he  was  goini:  to  ma'te  of  the  strange  jumble  of 


340  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

jest  which  he  had  thus  compiled.  His  answer  was  that  he 
was  about  to  turn  lecturer,  and  that  before  them  were  the 
materials  of  his  lecture.  It  was  then  that  his  friends  laughed 
at  him,  and  characterised  him  as  "  a  fool." 

"  They  had  some  right  to  think  so,"  said  Artemus  to  me  as 
we  rambled  up  Euclid  Street.  "  I  half  thought  that  I  was  one 
myself.     I  don't  look  like  a  lecturer — do  I  % " 

He  was  always  fond,  poor  fellow,  of  joking  on  the  subject  of 
his  personal  appearance.  His  spare  figure  and  tall  stature, 
his  prominent  nose  and  his  light-coloured  hair,  were  each  made 
the  subject  of  a  joke  at  one  time  or  another  in  the  course  of 
his  lecturing  career.  If  he  laughed  largely  at  the  foibles  of 
others,  he  was  equally  disposed  to  laugh  at  any  shortcomings 
he  could  detect  in  himself.  If  anything  at  all  in  his  outward 
form  was  to  him  a  source  of  vanity,  it  was  the  delicate  forma- 
tion of  his  hands.  White,  soft,  long,  slender,  and  really  hand- 
some, they  were  more  like  the  hands  of  a  high-born  lady  than 
those  of  a  Western  editor.  He  attended  to  them  with  careful 
pride,  and  never  alluded  to  them  as  a  subject  for  his  jokes, 
until,  in  his  last  illness,  they  had  become  unnaturally  fair, 
translucent,  and  attenuated.  Then  it  was  that  a  friend  call- 
ing upon  him  at  his  apartments  in  Piccadilly,  endeavoured  to 
cheer  him  at  a  time  of  great  mental  depression,  and  pleasantly 
reminded  him  of  a  ride  they  had  long  ago  projected  through 
the  South- Western  States  of  the  Union.  "  We  must  do  that 
ride  yet,  Artemus.  Short  stages  at  first,  and  longer  ones  as 
we  go  on."  Poor  Artemus  lifted  up  his  pale,  slender  hands, 
and  letting  the  light  shine  through  them,  said  jocosely,  "  Do 
you  think  these  would  do  to  hold  a  rein  withi  Why,  the 
horse  would  laugh  at  them." 

Having  collected  a  sufficient  number  of  quaint  thoughts, 
whimsical  fancies,  bizarre  notions,  and  ludicrous  anecdotes, 
the  difficulty  which  then,  according  to  his  own  confession, 
occurred  to  Artemus  Ward  was,  what  should  be  the  title  of 
bis  lecture.     The  subject  was  no  difficulty  at  all,  for  the  simple 


BY  E.  p.  HINGSTON,  341 

reason  that  there  was  not  to  be  any.  The  idea  of  instructing 
or  informing  his  audience  never  once  entered  into  his  plans. 
His  intention  was  merely  to  amuse ;  if  possible,  keep  the  house 
in  continuous  laughter  for  an  hour  and  a  half,  or  rather  an 
hour  and  twenty  minutes,  for  that  was  the  precise  time,  in 
his  belief,  which  people  could  sit  to  listen  and  to  laugh 
without  becoming  bored ;  and,  if  possible,  send  his  audience 
home  well  pleased  with  the  lecturer  and  with  themselves, 
without  their  having  any  clear  idea  of  that  which  they  had 
been  listening  to,  and  not  one  jot  the  wiser  than  when  they 
came.  No  one  better  understood  than  Artemus  the  wants  of 
a  miscellaneous  audience  who  paid  their  dollar  or  half-dollar 
each  to  be  amused.  No  one  could  guage  better  than  he  the 
capacity  of  the  crowd  to  feed  on  pure  fun,  and  no  one  could 
discriminate  more  clearly  than  he  the  fitness,  temper,  and 
mental  appetite  of  the  constituents  of  his  evening  assemblies. 
The  prosiness  of  an  ordinary  Mechanics'  Institute  lecture  was 
to  him  simply  abhorrent ;  the  learned  platitudes  of  a  professed 
lecturer  were  to  him,  to  use  one  of  his  own  phrases,  "  worse 
than  poison."  To  make  people  laugh  was  to  be  his  primary 
endeavour.  If  in  so  making  them  laugh  he  could  also  cause 
them  to  see  through  a  sham,  be  ashamed  of  some  silly  national 
prejudice,  or  suspicious  of  the  value  of  some  current  piece  of 
political  bunkum,  so  much  the  better.  He  believed  in 
aughter  as  thoroughly  wholesome ;  he  had  the  firmest  convic- 
tion that  fun  is  healthy,  and  sportiveness  the  truest  sign  of 
sanity.  Like  Talleyrand,  he  was  of  opinion  that  ''  Qui  vit  sans 
Jolie  rCest  pas  si  sage  quil  croit." 

Artemus  Ward's  first  lecture  was  entitled  "  The  Babes  in 
the  Wood."  I  asked  him  why  he  chose  that  title,  because 
there  was  nothing  whatever  in  the  lecture  relevant  to  the  sub- 
ject of  the  child-book  legend.  He  replied,  "  It  seemed  to 
sound  the  best.  I  once  thought  of  calling  the  lecture  '  My 
Seven  Grandmothers.'  Don't  you  think  that  would  have  been 
good  ] "    It  would  at  any  rate  have  been  just  as  pertinent. 


342  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

Incongruity  as  an  element  of  fun  was  always  an  idea  upper- 
most in  the  mind  of  the  Western  humorist.  I  am  not  aware 
that  the  notes  of  any  of  his  lectures,  except  those  of  his  Mormon 
experience,  have  been  preserved,  and  I  have  some  doubts  if 
any  one  of  his  lectures,  except  the  Mormon  one,  was  ever  fairly 
written  out.  "  The  Babes  in  the  Wood,"  as  a  lecture,  was  a 
pure  and  unmitigated  "  sell."  It  was  merely  joke  after  joke, 
and  drollery  succeeding  to  drollery,  without  any  connecting 
thread  whatever.  It  was  an  exhibition  of  fireworks,  owing 
half  its  brilliancy  and  more  than  half  its  effect  to  the  skill  of 
the  man  who  grouped  the  fireworks  together  and  let  them  off. 
In  the  hands  of  any  other  pyrotechnist  the  squibs  would  have 
failed  to  light,  the  rockets  would  have  refused  to  ascend,  and 
the  ''  nine-bangers  "  would  have  exploded  but  once  or  twice 
only,  instead  of  nine  times.  The  artist  of  the  display  being 
no  more,  and  the  fireworks  themselves  having  gone  out,  it  is 
perhaps  not  to  be  regretted  that  the  cases  of  the  squibs  and 
the  tubes  of  the  rockets  have  not  been  carefully  kept.  Most 
of  the  good  things  introduced  by  Artemus  Ward  in  his  first 
lecture  were  afterwards  incorporated  by  him  in  subsequent 
writings,  or  used  over  again  in  his  later  entertainment. 
Many  of  them  had  reference  to  the  events  of  the  day,  the 
circumstances  of  the  American  War  and  the  politics  of  the 
Great  Eebellion.  These,  of  course,  have  lost  their  interest 
with  the  passing  away  of  the  times  which  gave  them  birth. 
The  points  of  many  of  the  jokes  have  corroded,  and  the 
barbed  head  of  many  an  arrow  of  Artemus's  wit  has  rusted 
into  bluntness  with  the  decay  of  the  bow  from  which  it  was 
propelled. 

If  I  remember  rightly,  the  ''  Babes  in  the  Wood "  were 
never  mentioned  more  than  twice  in  the  whole  lecture.  First, 
when  the  lecturer  told  his  audience  that  the  "Babes"  were  to 
constitute  the  subject  of  his  discourse,  and  then  digressed  im- 
mediately to  matters  quite  foreign  to  the  story.  Then  again 
at  the  conclusion  of  the  hour  and  twenty  minutes  of  drollery, 


BY  E.  p.  HINGSTON,  343 

when  he  finished  up  in  this  way  :  "  I  now  come  to  my  sub- 
ject— '  The  Babes  in  the  Wood.' "  Here  he  would  take  out  his 
watch,  look  at  it  with  affected  surprise,  put  on  an  appearance 
of  being  greatly  perplexed,  and  amidst  roars  of  laughter  from 
the  people,  very  gravely  continue,  "  But  I  find  that  I  have 
exceeded  my  time,  and  will  therefore  merely  remark  that,  so 
far  as  I  know,  they  were  very  good  babes — they  were  as  good 
as  ordinary  babes.  I  really  have  not  time  to  go  into  their 
history.  You  will  find  it  all  in  the  story-books.  They  died 
in  the  woods,  listening  to  the  woodpecker  tapping  the  hollow 
beech-tree.  It  was  a  sad  fate  for  them,  and  I  pity  them.  So, 
I  hope,  do  you.     Good  night !  " 

Artemus  gave  his  first  lecture  at  Norwich  in  Connecticut, 
and  travelled  over  a  considerable  portion  of  the  Eastern  States 
before  he  ventured  to  give  a  sample  of  his  droll  oratory  in  the 
Western  cities,  wherein  he  had  earned  reputation  as  a  journa- 
list. Gradually  his  popularity  became  very  great,  and  in  place 
of  letting  himself  out  at  so  much  per  night  to  literary  societies 
and  athenaeums,  he  -constituted  himself  his  own  showman,  en- 
gaging that  indispensable  adjunct  to  all  showmen  in  the  United 
States,  an  agent  to  go  ahead,  engage  halls,  arrange  for  the  sale 
of  tickets,  and  engineer  the  success  of  the  show.  Newspapers 
had  carried  his  name  to  every  village  of  the  Union,  and  his 
writings  had  been  largely  quoted  in  every  journal.  It  re- 
quired, therefore,  comparatively  little  advertising  to  announce 
his  visit  to  any  place  in  which  he  had  to  lecture.  But  it  was 
necessary  that  he  should  have  a  bill  or  poster  of  some  kind. 
The  one  he  adopted  was  simple,  quaint,  striking,  and  well 
adapted  to  the  purpose.  It  was  merely  one  large  sheet,  with  a 
black  ground,  and  the  letters  cut  out  in  the  block,  so  as  to 
print  white.  The  reading  was  "Artemus  Ward  will  Speak  a 
Piece."  To  the  American  mind  this  was  intensely  funny  from 
its  childish  absurdity.  It  is  customary  in  the  States  for  chil- 
dren to  speak  of  recite  '*  a  piece "  at  scliool  at  the  annual 
examination,  and  the  phrase  is  used  just  in  the  same  sense  as 


344  PRE  FA  TOR  Y  NO  TE 

in  England  we  say  "  a  Christmas  piece."  The  professed  sub- 
ject of  the  lecture  being  that  of  a  story  familiar  to  children, 
harmonised  well  with  the  droll  placard  which  announced  its 
delivery.  The  place  and  time  were  notified  on  a  slip  pasted 
beneath.  To  emerge  from  the  dull  depths  of  lyceum  com- 
mittees and  launch  out  as  a  showman-lecturer  on  his  own 
responsibility,  was  something  both  novel  and  bold  for  Artemus 
to  do.  In  the  majority  of  instances  he  or  his  agent  met  with 
speculators  who  were  ready  to  engage  him  for  so  many 
lectures,  and  secure  to  the  lecturer  a  certain  fixed  sum.  Bub 
in  his  later  transactions  Artemus  would  have  nothing  to  do 
with  them,  much  preferring  to  undertake  all  the  risk  himself. 
The  last  speculator  to  whom  he  sold  himself  for  a  tour  was,  I 
believe,  Mr  Wilder,  of  New  York  City,  who  realised  a  large 
profit  by  investing  in  lecturing  stock,  and  who  was  always 
ready  to  engage  a  circus,  a  wild-beast  show,  or  a  lecturing 
celebrity. 

As  a  rule  Artemus  Ward  succeeded  in  pleasing  every  one  in 
his  audience,  especially  those  who  understood  the  character 
of  the  man  and  the  drift  of  his  lecture ;  but  there  were  not 
wanting  at  any  of  his  lectures  a  few  obtuse-minded,  slowly- 
perceptive,  drowsy -headed  dullards,  who  had  not  the  remotest 
idea  what  the  entertainer  was  talking  about,  nor  why  those 
around  him  indulged  in  laughter.  Artemus  was  quick  to 
detect  these  little  spots  upon  the  sunny  face  of  his  auditory. 
He  would  pick  them  out,  address  himself  at  times  to  them 
especially,  and  enjoy  the  bewilderment  of  his  Boeotian  patrons. 
Sometimes  a  stolid  inhabitant  of  central  New  York,  evidently 
of  Dutch  extraction,  would  regard  him  with  an  open  stare  ex- 
pressive of  a  desire  to  enjoy  that  which  was  said  if  the  point  of 
the  joke  could  by  any  possibility  be  indicated  to  him.  At  other 
times  a  demure  Pennsylvania  Quaker  would  benignly  survey 
the  poor  lecturer  with  a  look  of  benevolent  pity  ;  and  on  one 
occasion,  when  my  friend  was  lecturing  at  Peoria,  an  elderly 
lady,  accompanied  by  her  two  daughters,  left  the  rooni  in  the 


BY  E.  P.  HINGSTON.  345 

midst  of  the  lecture,  exclaiming,  as  she  passed  me  at  the  door, 
"  It  is  too  bad  of  people  to  laugh  at  a  poor  young  man  who 
doesn't  know  what  he  is  saying,  and  ought  to  be  sent  to  a 
lunatic  asylum ! " 

The  newspaper  reporters  were  invariably  puzzled  in  attempt- 
ing to  give  any  correct  idea  of  a  lecture  by  Artemus  Ward. 
No  report  could  fairly  convey  an  idea  of  the  entertainment ; 
and  being  fully  aware  of  this,  Artemus  would  instruct  his 
agent  to  beg  of  the  papers  not  to  attempt  giving  any  abstract 
of  that  which  he  said.  The  following  is  the  way  in  which  the 
reporter  of  the  Golden  Era^  at  San  Francisco,  California,  endear 
voured  to  inform  the  San  Franciscan  public  of  the  character 
of  "  The  Babes  in  the  Wood  "  lecture.  It  is,  as  the  reader  will 
perceive,  a  burlesque  on  the  way  in  which  Artemus  himself 
dealt  with  the  topic  he  had  chosen;  while  it  also  notes 
one  or  two  of  the  salient  features  of  my  friend's  style  of  lec- 
turing : — 

"  HOW  AETEMUS  WARD  *  SPOKE  A  PIECB.'  " 

*'  Artemus  has  arrived.  Artemus  has  spoken.  Artemus  has  triumphed. 
Great  is  Artemus ! 

**  Great  also  is  Piatt's  Hall.  But  Artemus  is  greater ;  for  the  hall 
proved  too  small  for  his  audience,  and  too  circumscribed  for  the  immen- 
sity of  his  jokes.  A  man  who  has  drank  twenty  bottles  of  wine  may  be 
called  '  full.*  A  pint  bottle  with  a  quart  of  water  in  it  would  also  be  ac- 
counted full ;  and  so  would  an  hotel  be,  every  bed  in  it  let  three  times 
over  on  the  same  night  to  three  different  occupants ;  but  none  of  these 
would  be  so  full  as  Piatt's  Hall  was  on  Friday  night  to  hear  Artemus 
Ward  *  speak  a  piece.* 

"  The  piece  selected  was  *  The  Babes  in  the  Wood,'  which  reminds  us 
that  Mr  Ward  is  a  tall,  slender-built,  fair-complexioned,  jovial-looking 
gentleman  of  about  twenty-seven  years  of  age.  He  has  a  pleasant  manner, 
an  agreeable  style,  and  a  clear,  distinct,  and  powerful  voice. 

"  *  The  Babes  in  the  Wood*  is  a  'comic  oration,*  with  a  most  compre* 
hensive  grasp  of  subject.  As  spoken  by  its  witty  author,  it  elicited  gusts 
of  laughter  and  whirlwinds  of  applause.  Mr  Ward  is  no  prosy  lyceum 
lecturer.  His  style  is  neither  scientific,  didactic,  or  philosophicaL  It  is 
simply  that  of  a  man  who  is  brimful  of  mirth,  wit,  and  satire,  and  who  is 
compelled  to  let  it  Qow  forth.    Maintaining  a  very  grave  countenance  him- 


346  PREFA  TOR Y  NOTE 

self,  he  plays  upon  the  muscles  of  other  people'*  faces  as  though  they  wera 
piano-strings,  and  he  the  prince  of  pianists. 

**  The  story  of  *  The  Babes  in  the  Wood'  is  interesting  in  the  extreme. 
We  would  say,  en  passant,  however,  that  Artemus  Ward  is  a  perfect  steam 
factory  of  puns  and  a  museum  of  American  humour.  Humanity  seems 
to  him  to  be  a  vast  mine,  out  of  which  he  digs  tons  of  fun ;  and  life  a  huge 
forest,  in  which  he  can  cut  down  'cords'  of  comicality.  Language  with 
him  is  like  the  brass  balls  with  which  the  juggler  amuses  us  at  the  circus 
— ever  being  tossed  up,  ever  glittering,  ever  thrown  about  at  pleasure. 
We  intended  to  report  his  lecture  in  full,  but  we  laughed  till  we  split  our 
lead  pencil,  and  our  shorthand  symbols  were  too  infused  with  merriment 
to  remain  steady  on  the  paper.  However,  let  us  proceed  to  give  an  idea 
of  '  The  Babes  in  the  Wood.'  In  the  first  place,  it  is  a  comic  oration ; 
that  is,  it  is  apoken,  is  exuberant  in  fun,  felicitous  in  fancy,  teeming  with 
jokes,  and  sparkling  as  bright  waters  on  a  sunny  day.  The  *  Babes  in  the 
Wood'  is — that  is,  it  isn't  a  lecture  or  an  oratorical  effort;  it  is  something 
sui  generis;  something  reserved  for  our  day  and  generation,  which  it  would 
never  have  done  for  our  forefathers  to  have  known,  or  they  would  have 
been  too  mirthful  to  have  attended  to  the  business  of  preparing  the  world 
for  our  coming  ;  and  something  which  will  provoke  so  much  laughter  in 
our  time,  that  the  echo  of  the  laughs  will  reverberate  along  the  halls  of 
futurity,  and  seriously  affect  the  nerves  of  future  generations. 

"  The  *  Babes  in  the  Wood,'  to  describe  it,  is — Well,  those  wlio  listened  to 
it  know  best.  At  any  rate,  they  will  acknowledge  with  us  that  it  was  a  great 
success,  and  that  Artemus  Ward  has  a  fortune  before  him  in  California. 

*'  And  now  to  tell  the  story  of  *  The  Babes  in  the  Wood ' — But  we  will 
not,  for  the  hall  was  not  half  large  enough  to  accommodate  those  who 
came,  consequently  Mr  Ward  will  tell  it  over  again  at  the  Metropolitan 
Theatre  next  Tuesday  evening.  The  subject  will  again  be  '  The  Babes  in 
the  Wood.' " 

Having  travelled  over  the  Union  with  "  The  Babes  in  the 
Wood "  lecture,  and  left  his  audiences  everywhere  fully  "  in 
the  wood"  as  regarded  the  subject  announced  in  the  title, 
Artemus  Ward  became  desirous  of  going  over  the  same  ground 
again.  There  were  not  wanting  dreary  and  timid  prophets 
who  told  him  that  having  "  sold  "  his  audiences  once,  he  would 
.not  succeed  in  gaining  large  houses  a  second  time.  But  the 
faith  of  Artemus  in  the  unsuspecting  nature  of  the  public  was 
very  large,  so  with  fearless  intrepidity  he  conceived  the  happy 
thought  of  inventing  a  new  title,  but  keeping  to  the  same  old 


BY  E.  p.  HINGSTON.  347 

lecture,  interspersing  it  here  and  there  with  a  few  fresh  jokes, 
incidental  to  new  topics  of  the  times.  Just  at  this  period 
General  McClellan  was  advancing  on  Richmond,  and  the  cele- 
brated fight  at  Bull's  Run  had  become  matter  of  history.  The 
forcible  abolition  of  slavery  had  obtained  a  place  among  the 
debates  of  the  day,  Hinton  Rowan  Helper's  book  on  "  The 
Inevitable  Crisis "  had  been  sold  at  every  bookstall,  and  the 
future  of  the  negro  had  risen  into  the  position  of  being  the 
great  point  of  discussion  throughout  the  land.  Artemus  re- 
quired a  very  slender  thread  to  string  his  jokes  upon,  and  what 
better  one  could  be  found  than  that  which  he  chose?  He 
advertised  the  title  of  his  next  lecture  as  "  Sixty  Minutes  in 
Africa."  I  need  scarcely  say  that  he  had  never  been  in 
Africa,  and  in  all  probability  had  never  read  a  book  on  African 
travel.  He  knew  nothing  about  it,  and  that  was  the  very 
reason  he  should  choose  Africa  for  his  subject.  I  believe  that 
he  carried  out  the  joke  so  far  as  to  have  a  map  made  of  the 
African  continent,  and  that  on  a  few  occasions,  but  not  on  all, 
he  had  it  suspended  in  the  lecture-room.  It  was  in  Philadel- 
phia and  at  the  Musical  Fund  Hall  in  Locust  Street  that  I 
first  heard  him  deliver  what  he  jocularly  phrased  to  me  as 
**  My  African  Revelation."  The  hall  was  very  thronged,  the 
audience  must  have  exceeded  two  thousand  in  number,  and 
the  evening  was  unusually  warm.  Artemus  came  on  the  ros- 
trum with  a  roll  of  paper  in  his  hands,  and  used  it  to  play 
with  throughout  the  lecture,  just  as  recently  at  the  Egyptian 
Hall,  while  lecturing  on  the  Mormons,  he  invariably  made  use 
of  a  lady's  riding- whip  for  the  same  purpose.  He  commenced 
his  lecture  thus,  speaking  very  gravely  and  with  long  pauses 
between  his  sentences,  allowing  his  audience  to  laugh  if  they 
pleased,  but  seeming  to  utterly  disregard  their  laughter  : — 

'•  I  have  invited  you  to  listen  to  a  discourse  upon  Africa. 
Africa  is  my  subject.  It  is  a  very  large  subject.  It  has  the 
Atlantic  Ocean  on  its  left  side,  the  Indian  Ocean  on  its  right, 
and  more  water  than  you  could  measure  out  at  its  smaller  end. 


348  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

Africa  produces  blacks — ivory  blacks — they  get  ivory.  It  also 
produces  deserts,  and  that  is  the  reason  it  is  so  much  deserted 
by  travellers.  Africa  is  famed  for  its  roses.  It  has  the  red 
rose,  the  white  rose,  and  the  neg-rose.  Apropos  of  negroes, 
let  me  tell  you  a  little  story." 

Then  he  at  once  diverged  from  the  subject  of  Africa  to  re- 
tail to  his  audience  his  amusing  story  of  the  Conversion  of  a 
Negro,  which  he  subsequently  worked  up  into  an  article  in  the 
Savage  Club  Papers,  and  entitled  "  Converting  the  Nigger.'^ 
Never  once  again  in  the  course  of  the  lecture  did  he  refer  to 
Africa,  until  the  time  having  arrived  for  him  to  conclude,  and 
the  people  being  fairly  worn  out  with  laughter,  he  finished  up 
by  saying,  "Africa,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  is  my  subject. 
You  wish  me  to  tell  you  something  about  Africa.  Africa  is 
on  the  map — it  is  on  all  the  maps  of  Africa  that  I  have  ever 
seen.  You  may  buy  a  good  map  for  a  dollar,  and  if  you  study 
it  well,  you  will  know  more  about  Africa  than  I  do.  It  is  a 
comprehensive  subject,  too  vast,  I  assure  you,  for  me  to  enter 
upon  to-night.  You  would  not  wish  me  too,  I  feel  that — I 
feel  it  deeply,  and  I  am  very  sensitive.  If  you  go  home  and 
go  to  bed  it  wiU  be  better  for  you  than  to  go  with  me  to 
Africa." 

The  joke  about  the  "  neg-rose  "  has  since  run  the  gauntlet 
of  nearly  all  the  minstrel  bands  throughout  England  and 
America.  All  the  "  bones,"  every  "  middle-man,"  and  all 
"end-men"  of  the  burnt-cork  profession  have  used  Artemus 
Ward  as  a  mine  wherein  to  dig  for  the  ore  which  provokes 
laughter.  He  has  been  the  "  cause  of  wit  in  others,"  and 
the  bread-winner  for  many  dozens  of  black-face  songsters — 
"  singists  "  as  he  used  to  term  them.  He  was  just  as  fond  of 
visiting  their  entertainments  as  they  were  of  appropriating 
his  jokes  ;  and  among  his  best  friends  in  New  York  were  the 
brothers  Messrs  Neil  and  Dan  Bryant,  who  have  made  a  for- 
tune by  what  has  been  facetiously  termed — "  the  burnt-cork- 
opera," 


BY  E.  p.  HTNGSTON.  349 

It  was  in  his  "  Sixty  Minutes  in  Africa  "  lectuje  that  Arte- 
mus  Ward  first  introduced  his  celebrated  satire  on  the  negro, 
which  he  subsequently  put  into  print.  "  The  African,"  said 
he,  "  may  be  our  brother.  Several  highly  respectable  gentle- 
men and  some  talented  females  tell  me  that  he  is,  and  for 
argument's  sake  I  might  be  induced  to  grant  it,  though  I  don't 
believe  it  myself.  But  the  African  isn't  our  sister,  and  wife, 
and  uncle.  He  isn't  several  of  our  brothers  and  first  wife's 
relations.  He  isn't  our  grandfather  and  great  grandfather,  and 
our  aunt  in  the  country.     Scarcely." 

It  may  easily  be  imagined  how  popular  this  joke  became 
when  it  is  remembered  that  it  was  first  perpetrated  at  a  time 
when  the  negro  question  was  so  much  debated  as  to  have 
become  an  absolute  nuisance.  Nothing  else  was  talked  of; 
nobody  would  talk  of  anything  but  the  negro.  The  saying 
arose  that  all  Americans  had  "  nigger-on-the-brain."  The  topic 
had  become  nauseous,  especially  to  the  Democratic  party ;  and 
Artemus  always  had  more  friends  among  them  than  among 
the  Eepublicans.  If  he  had  any  politics  at  all  he  was  certainly 
a  Democrat. 

War  had  arisen,  the  South  was  closed,  and  the  lecturing 
arena  considerably  lessened.  Artemus  Ward  determined  to 
go  to  California.  Before  starting  for  that  side  of  the  American 
continent,  he  wished  to  appear  in  the  city  of  New  York.  He 
engaged,  through  his  friend  Mr  De  Walden,  the  large  hall 
then  known  as  Niblo's,  in  front  of  the  Niblo's  Garden  Tlieatre, 
and  now  used,  I  believe,  as  the  dining-room  of  the  Metropo- 
litan Hotel.  At  that  period  Pepper's  Ghost  chanced  to  be  the 
great  novelty  of  New  York  City,  and  Artemus  Ward  was 
casting  about  for  a  novel  title  to  his  old  lecture.  Whether  he 
or  Mr  De  Walden  selected  that  of  "  Artemus  Ward's  Struggle 
with  a  Ghost"  I  do  not  know ;  but  I  think  that  it  was  Mr  De 
Walden's  choice.  The  title  was  seasonable,  and  the  lecture 
successful.  Then  came  the  tour  to  California,  whither  I  pro- 
ceeded in  advance  to  warn  the  miners  on   the  Yuba,   the 


350  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

travellers  on  the  Kio  Sacramento,  and  the  citizens  of  the 
Chrysopolis  of  the  Pacific  that  "A.  Ward"  would  be  there 
shortly.  In  California  the  lecture  was  advertised  under  it^ 
old  name  of  "  The  Babes  in  the  Wood."  Piatt's  Hall  was 
selected  for  the  scene  of  operation,  and,  so  popular  was  the 
lecturer,  that  on  the  first  night  we  took  at  the  doors  more  than 
sixteen  hundred  dollars  in  gold.  The  crowd  proved  too  great 
to  take  money  in  the  ordinary  manner,  and  hats  were  used  for 
people  to  throw  their  dollars  in.  One  hat  broke  through  at 
Ihe  crown.  I  doubt  if  we  ever  knew  to  a  dollar  how  many 
dollars  it  once  contained. 

California  was  duly  travelled  over,  and  "  The  Babes  in  the 
Wood"  listened  to  with  laughter  in  its  flourishing  cities,  its 
mining-camps  among  the  mountains,  and  its  "new  placers" 
beside  gold-bedded  rivers.  While  journeying  through  that 
strangely-beautiful  land,  the  serious  question  arose — What 
was  to  be  done  next  %    After  California — where  ? 

Before  leaving  New  York,  it  had  been  a  favourite  scheme  of 
Artemus  Ward  not  to  return  from  California  to  the  East  by 
way  of  Panama,  but  to  come  home  across  the  Plains,  and  to 
visit  Salt  Lake  City  by  the  way.  The  difficulty  that  now 
presented  itself  was,  that  winter  was  close  upon  us,  and  that 
it  was  no  pleasant  thing  to  cross  the  Sierra  Nevada  and  scale 
the  Rocky  Mountains  with  the  thermometer  far  below  freezing- 
point.  Nor  was  poor  Artemus  even  at  that  time  a  strong 
man.  My  advice  was  to  return  to  Panama,  visit  the  West 
India  Islands,  and  come  back  to  California  in  the  spring, 
lecture  again  in  San  Francisco,  and  then  go  on  to  the  land  of 
the  Mormons.  Artemus  doubted  the  feasibility  of  this  plan, 
and  the  decision  was  ultimately  arrived  at  to  try  the  journey 
to  Salt  Lake.  Unfortunately  the  winter  turned  out  to  be  one 
of  the  severest.  AVlien  we  arrived  at  Salt  Lake  City,  my  poor 
friend  was  seized  with  typhoid  fever,  resulting  from  the  fatigue 
we  had  undergone,  the  intense  cold  to  which  we  had  been 
subjected,  and  the  excitement  of  being  on  a  journey  of  3500 


BY  E.  P.  HINGSTOIf.  3«;i 

miles  across  the  North  American  Continent,  when  the  Pacific 
Railway  had  made  little  progress  and  the  Indians  were  reported 
not  to  be  very  friendly. 

The  story  of  the  tiip  is  told  in  Artemus  "Ward's  lecture.  I 
have  added  to  it,  at  the  special  request  of  the  publisher,  a  few 
explanatory  notes,  the  purport  of  which  is  to  render  the  reader 
acquainted  with  the  characteristics  of  the  lecturer's  delivery. 
For  the  benefit  of  those  who  never  had  an  opportunity  of  see- 
ing Artemus  Ward  nor  of  hearing  him  lecture,  I  may  be  par- 
doned for  attempting  to  describe  the  man  himself. 

In  stature  he  was  tall,  in  figure,  slender.  At  any  time 
during  our  acquaintance  his  height  must  have  been  dispropor- 
tionate to  his  weight.  Like  his  brother  Cyrus,  who  died  a  few 
vears  before  him,  Charles  F.  Browne,  our  "  Artemus  Ward," 
had  the  premonitory  signs  of  a  short  life  strongly  evident  in 
his  early  manhood.  There  were  the  lank  form,  the  long  pale 
fingers,  the  very  white  pearly  teeth,  the  thin,  fine,  soft  hair, 
the  undue  brightness  of  the  eyes,  the  excitable  and  even 
irritable  disposition,  the  capricious  appetite,  and  the  alter- 
nately jubilant  and  despondent  tone  of  mind  which  too  fre- 
quently indicate  that  "  the  abhorred  fury  with  the  shears  "  is 
waiting  too  near  at  hand  to  "  slit  the  thin-spun  life."  His 
hair  was  very  light-coloured,  and  not  naturally  curly.  He  used 
U)  joke  in  his  lecture  about  what  it  cost  him  to  keep  it  curled ; 
he  wore  a  very  large  moustache  without  any  beard  or  whiskers ; 
his  nose  was  exceedingly  prominent,  having  an  outline  not  un- 
like that  of  the  late  Sir  Charles  Napier.  His  forehead  was 
large,  with,  to  use  the  language  of  the  phrenologists,  the 
organs  of  the  perceptive  faculties  far  more  developed  than 
those  of  the  imaginative  powers.  He  had  the  manner  and 
bearing  of  a  naturally-born  gentleman.  Great  was  the  dis- 
appointment of  many  who,  having  read  his  humorous  papers 
descriptive  of  his  exhibition  of  snakes  and  waxwork,  and  who 
having  also  formed  their  ideas  of  him  from  the  absurd  pictures 
which  had  been  attached  to  some  editions  of  his  works,  found 


35«  PRE  FA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

on  meeting  with  him  that  there  was  no  trace  of  the  showman 
in  his  deportment,  and  little  to  call  up  to  their  mind  the 
smart  Yankee  who  had  married  "  Betsy  Jane."  There  was 
nothing  to  indicate  that  he  had  not  lived  a  long  time  in 
Europe  and  acquired  the  polish  which  men  gain  by  coming  in 
contact  with  the  society  of  European  capitals.  In  his  conver- 
sation there  was  no  marked  peculiarity  of  accent  to  identify 
him  as  an  American,  nor  any  of  the  braggadocio  which  some 
of  his  countrymen  unadvisedly  assume.  His  voice  was  soft, 
gentle,  and  clear.  He  could  make  himself  audible  in  the 
largest  lecture-rooms  without  effort.  His  style  of  lecturing 
was  peculiar ;  so  thoroughly  §,ui  generis,  that  I  know  of  no  one 
with  whom  to  compare  him,  nor  can  any  description  very  well 
convey  an  idea  of  that  which  it  was  like.  However  much  he 
caused  his  audience  to  laugh,  no  smile  appeared  upoi 
his  own  face.  It  was  grave  even  to  solemnity,  while  he 
was  giving  utterance  to  the  most  delicious  absurdities* 
His  assumption  of  indifference  to  that  which  he  was 
saying,  his  happy  manner  of  letting  his  best  jokes  fall 
from  his  lips  as  if  unconscious  of  their  being  jokes  at  all,  hia 
thorough  self-possession  on  the  platform,  and  keen  appreciation 
of  that  which  suited  his  audience  and  that  which  did  not, 
rendered  him  well  qualified  for  the  task  which  he  had  under- 
taken— that  of  amusing  the  public  with  a  humorous  lecture. 
He  understood  and  comprehended  to  a  hair's  breadth  the 
grand  secret  of  how  not  to  bore.  He  had  weighed,  measured, 
and  calculated  to  a  nicety  the  number  of  laughs  an  audience 
could  indulge  in  on  one  evening,  without  feeling  that  they  were 
laughing  just  a  little  too  much.  Above  all,  he  was  no  com- 
mon man,  and  did  not  cause  his  audience  to  feel  that  they 
were  laughing  at  that  which  they  should  feel  ashamed  of  being 
amused  with.  He  was  intellectually  up  to  the  level  of  nine- 
tenths  of  those  who  listened  to  him,  and  in  listening,  they  felt 
that  it  was  no  fool  who  wore  the  cap  and  bells  so  excellently. 
It  was  amusing  to  notice  how  with  different  people  his  jokes 


BY  E,  p.  HINGSTON.  353 

produced  a  different  effect.  The  Honourable  Robert  Lowe 
attended  one  evening  at  the  Mormon  Lecture,  and  laughed  as 
hilariously  as  any  one  in  the  room.  The  next  evening  Mr 
John  Bright  happened  to  be  present.  With  the  exception  of 
one  or  two  occasional  smiles,  he  listened  with  grave  attention. 
Li  placing  the  lecture  before  the  public  in  print,  it  is  im- 
possible, by  having  recourse  to  any  system  of  punctuation,  to 
indicate  the  pauses,  jerky  emphases,  and  odd  inflexions  of 
voice  which  characterised  the  delivery.  The  reporter  of  the 
Standard  newspaper,  describing  his  first  lecture  in  London, 
aptly  said : — "  Artemus  dropped  his  jokes  faster  than  the 
meteors  of  last  night  succeeded  each  other  in  the  sky. 
And  there  was  this  resemblance  between  the  flashes  of  his 
humour  and  the  flights  of  the  meteors,  that  in  each  case  one 
looked  for  jokes  or  meteors,  but  they  always  came  just  in  the 
place  that  one  least  expected  to  find  them.  Half  the  enjoy- 
ment of  the  evening  lay,  to  some  of  those  present,  in  listening 
to  the  hearty  cachinnation  of  the  people  who  only  found  out 
the  jokes  some  two  or  three  minutes  after  they  were  made, 
and  who  then  laughed  apparently  at  some  grave  statements  of 
fact.  Reduced  to  paper,  the  showman's  jokes  are  certainly 
not  brilliant ;  almost  their  whole  effect  lies  in  their  seemingly 
impromptu  character.  They  are  carefully  led  up  to,  of  course; 
but  they  are  uttered  as  if  they  are  mere  afterthoughts,  of  which 
the  speaker  is  hardly  sure."  Herein  the  writer  in  the  Standard 
hits  the  most  marked  peculiarity  of  Artemus  Ward's  style  of 
lecturing.  His  affectation  of  not  knowing  what  he  was  utter- 
ing, his  seeming  fits  of  abstraction,  and  his  grave,  melancholy 
aspect,  constituted  the  very  cream  of  the  entertainment. 
Occasionally  he  would  amuse  himself  in  an  apparently  medi. 
tative  mood,  by  twirling  his  little  riding-whip,  or  by  gazing 
earnestly,  but  with  affected  admiration,  at  his  panorama.  At 
the  Egyptian  Hall  his  health  entirely  failed  him,  and  he  would 
occasionally  have  to  use  a  seat  during  the  course  of  the  lec- 
ture.    In  the  notes  which  follow  I  have  tried,  I  know  how 

2k 


354  PREFA  TOR  V  NO  TE 

inefSciently,  to  convey  here  and  there  an  idea  of  how  Artemus 
rendered  his  lecture  amusing  by  gesture  or  action.  I  have 
also,  at  the  request  of  the  publisher,  made  a  few  explanatory 
comments  on  the  subject  of  our  Mormon  trip.  In  so  doing  I 
hope  that  I  have  not  thrust  myself  too  prominently  forward, 
nor  been  too  officious  in  my  explanations.  My  aim  has  been 
to  add  to  the  interest  of  the  lecture  with  those  who  never 
heard  it  delivered,  and  to  revive  in  the  memory  of  those  who 
did  some  of  its  notable  peculiarities.  The  illustrations  are 
from  photographs  of  the  panorama  painted  in  America  for 
Artemus,  as  the  pictorial  portion  of  his  entertainment. 

In  the  lecture  is  the  fun  of  the  journey.  For  the  hard  facts 
the  reader  in  quest  of  information  is  referred  to  a  book  pub- 
lished previously  to  the  lecturer's  appearance  at  the  Egyptian 
Hall,  the  title  of  which  is,  "  Artemus  Ward  :  His  Travels 
vnong  the  Mormons."  Much  against  the  grain  as  it  was  for 
Artemus  to  be  statistical,  he  has  therein  detailed  some  of  the 
experiences  of  his  Mormon  trip,  with  due  regard  to  the  exacti- 
tude and  accuracy  of  statement  expected  by  information- 
seeking  readers  in  a  book  of  travels.  He  was  not  precisely 
the  sort  of  traveller  to  write  a  paper  for  the  evening  meetings 
of  the  Eoyal  Geographical  Society,  nor  was  he  sufficiently 
interested  in  philosophical  theories  to  speculate  on  the  develop- 
ments of  Mormonism  as  illustrative  of  the  history  of  religious 
belief.  We  were  looking  out  of  the  window  of  the  Salt  Lak( 
House  one  morning,  when  Brigham  Young  happened  to  pass 
down  the  opposite  side  of  Main  Street.  It  was  cold  weather, 
and  the  prophet  was  clothed  in  a  thick  cloak  of  some  green- 
coloured  rbaterial.  I  remarked  to  Artemus  that  Brigham  had 
seemingly  compounded  Mormonism  from  portions  of  a  dozen 
different  creeds ;  and  that  in  selecting  green  for  the  colour  of 
his  apparel,  he  was  imitating  Mahomet.  "  Has  it  not  struck 
you,"  I  observed,  "  that  Swedenborgianism  and  Mahometan- 
ism  are  oddly  blended  in  the  Mormon  faith  % " 

"  Petticoatism  and  plunder,"  was  Artemus's  reply ;  and  that 


BV  E.  P,  HINGSTON.  355 

comprehended  his  whole  philosophy  of  Mormonisin.  As  he 
remarked  elsewhere :  "  Brigham  Young  is  a  man  of  great 
natural  ability.  If  you  ask  me,  How  pious  is  he  ?  I  treat  it 
AS  a  conundrum,  and  give  it  up." 

To  lecture  in  London,  and  at  the  Egyptian  Hall,  had  long 
been  a  favourite  idea  of  Artemus  Ward.     Some  humorist  has 

said,  that  "  All  good   Americans,  when   they  die ,  go   to 

Paris."  So  do  most,  whether  good  or  bad,  while  they  are 
living. 

Still  more  strongly  developed  is  the  transatlantic  desire  to 
go  to  Rome.  In  the  far  west  of  the  Missouri,  in  the  remoter 
west  of  Colorado,  and  away  in  far  north-western  Oregon,  I 
have  heard  many  a  tradesman  express  his  intention  to  make 
dollars  enough  to  enable  him  to  visit  Rome.  In  a  land  where 
»11  is  so  new,  where  they  have  had  no  past,  where  an  old  wall 
would  be  a  sensation,  and  a  tombstone  of  anybody's  great 
grandfather  the  marvel  of  the  whole  region,  the  charms  of  the 
old  world  have  an  irresistible  fascination.  To  visit  the  home 
of  the  Caesars  they  have  read  of  in  their  school-books,  and  to 
look  at  arcliitecture  which  they  have  seen  pictorially,  but  have 
nothing  like  it  in  existence  around  them,  is  very  naturally  the 
strong  wish  of  people  who  are  nationally  nomadic,  and  who 
have  all  more  or  less  a  smattering  of  education.  Artemus 
Ward  never  expressed  to  me  any  very  great  wish  to  travel  on 
the  European  continent,  but  to  see  London  was  to  accomplish 
something  which  he  had  dreamed  of  from  his  boyhood.  There 
runs  from  Marysville  in  California  to  Oroville  in  the  same 
State  a  short  and  singular  little  railway,  which,  when  we  were 
there,  was  in  a  most  unfinished  condition.  To  Oroville  we 
were  going.  We  were  too  early  for  the  train  at  the  Marys- 
ville station,  and  sat  down  on  a  pile  of  timber  to  chat  over 
future  prospecis. 

"  What  sort  of  a  man  was  Albert  Smith  ? "  asked  Artemus. 
*'  And  do  you  think  that  the  Mormons  would  be  as  good  a 
subject  for  the  Londoners  as  Mont  Blanc  was  ? " 


356        PREFATORY  NOTE  BY  E,  P,  HINGSTON. 

I  answered  his  questions.  He  reflected  for  a  few  moments, 
and  then  said — 

"  Well,  old  fellow,  I  '11  tell  you  what  I  should  like  to  do. 
I  should  like  to  go  to  London  and  give  my  lecture  in  the  same 
place.     Can  it  be  done  1 " 

It  was  done.  Not  in  the  same  room,  but  under  the  same 
roof  and  on  the  same  floor;  in  that  gloomy-looking  Hall  in 
Piccadilly,  which  was  destined  to  be  the  ante-chamber  to  the 
tomb  of  both  lecturers. 

Throughout  this  brief  sketch  I  have  written  familiarly  oi 
the  late  Mr  Charles  F.  Browne  as  "  Artemus  Ward,"  or  simply 
as  "  Artemus."  I  have  done  so  advisedly,  mainly  because, 
during  the  whole  course  of  our  acquaintance,  I  do  not  remem- 
ber addressing  him  as  "  Mr  Browne,"  or  by  his  real  Christian 
name.  To  me  he  was  always  "  Artemus  " — Artemus  the  kind, 
the  gentle,  the  suave,  the  generous.  One  who  was  ever  a 
friend  in  the  fullest  meaning  of  the  word,  and  the  best  of 
companions  in  the  amplest  acceptance  of  the  phrase.  His 
merry  laugh  and  pleasant  conversation  are  as  audible  to  me  as 
if  they  were  heard  but  yesterday ;  his  words  of  kindness  linger 
on  the  ear  of  memory,  and  his  tones  of  genial  mirth  live  in 
echoes  which  I  shall  listen  to  for  evermore.  Two  years  will 
soon  have  passed  away  since  last  he  spoke,  and 

**  Silence  now,  enamour'd  of  his  voice 
Locks  its  mute  music  in  her  rugged  cell." 

E.    P.    HiNGSTON. 
LoHPOH,  October  1866L 


THE     LECTURE.* 

BY  ARTEMUS  WARD. 

You  are  entirely  welcome,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  to  my  littl« 
picture-shop,  f 

I  couldn't  give  you  a  very  clear  idea  of  the  Mormons — and 
Utah — and  the  Plains — and  the  Eocky  Mountains — without 

opening  a  picture-shop and  therefore  I  open  ona 

I  don't  expect  to  do  great  things  here — but  I  have  thought 

*  Artemus  Ward's  first  lecture  in  London  was  deKvered  at  the  Egyptian 
Ilall,  Piccadilly,  on  Tuesday,  November  13,  1866.  The  room  used  was 
that  which  had  been  recently  occupied  by  Mr  Arthur  Sketchley.  It  is  the 
lesser  of  the  two  rooms  at  the  top  of  the  staircase  ;  not  the  one  in  which 
Mr  Albert  Smith  formerly  made  his  appearances.  The  attendance  was 
very  large,  but  the  audience  for  the  most  part  consisted  of  invited  friends 
and  the  members  of  the  press.  The  paying  public  having  to  wait  for 
another  opportunity,  though  they  struggled  in  large  numbers  to  obtain 
admission.  Copies  of  Artemus  Ward's  very  original  programmes  are  given 
in  the  Appendix,  together  with  the  notice  of  the  lecture  which  appeared 
in  the  Times  two  days  after  its  delivery.  The  notice  was  written  by  Mr 
John  Oxeuford. 

t  '^  My  little  picture-shop." — I  have  already  stated  that  the  room  used 
was  the  lesser  of  the  two  on  the  first  floor  of  the  Egyptian  Hall.  The 
panorama  was  to  the  left  on  entering,  and  Artemus  Ward  stood  at  the 
south-east  comer,  facing  the  door.  He  had  beside  him  a  music-stand,  on 
which  for  the  first  few  days  he  availed  himself  of  the  assistance  afforded 
by  a  sheet  of  foolscap,  on  which  all  his  "  cues  "  were  written  out  in  a  large 
hand.  The  proscenium  was  covered  with  dark  cloth,  and  the  picture 
bounded  by  a  great  gilt  frame.  On  the  rostrum  behind  the  lecturer  was 
a  little  door  giving  admission  to  the  space  behind  the  picture  where  the 
piano  was  placed.  Through  this  door  Artemus  would  disappear  occasion- 
sdly  in  the  course  of  the  evening,  either  to  instruct  his  pianist  to  play  a 


35S  ARTEMUS  WARDS  LECTURE, 

that  if  I  could  make  money  enougli  to  buy  me  a  passage  \x\ 
New  Zealand  *  I  should  feel  that  I  had  not  Ured  In  rain. 

I  donH   want  to  live  in  vain. I'd  rather 

live  in  Margate — or  here.  But  I  wish  when  the 
Egyptians  built  this  hall  they  had  given  it  a  little  more  ven- 
tilation. + 

If  you  should  be  dissatisfied  with  anything  here  to-night — I 
will  admit  you  all  free  in  New  Zealand — if  you  will  come  to 
me  there  for  the  orders.  Any  respectable  cannibal 
will  tell  you  where  I  live.  This  shows  that  I  have 
a  forgiving  spirit. 

I  really  don't  care  for  money.  I  only  travel  round  to  see 
the  world  and  to  exhibit  my  clothes.  These  clothes  I 
have  on  were   a  great   success   in  America. J 

few  more  bars  of  music,  to  tell  his  assistants  to  roll  the  picture  mora 
quickly  or  more  slowly,  or  to  give  some  instructions  to  the  man  who 
worked  "  the  moon."  The  little  lecture-room  was  thronged  nightly  during 
the  very  few  weeks  of  its  being  open. 

*  "  To  New  Zealand." — Artemus  Ward  seriously  contemplated  a  visit  to 
Australia,  after  having  made  the  tour  of  England.  He  was  very  much  in- 
terested in  all  Australian  affairs,  had  a  strong  desire  to  see  the  lands  of  the 
South,  and  looked  forward  to  the  long  sea-voyage  as  one  of  the  means  by 
which  he  should  regain  his  lost  health. 

+  "  More  ventilation." — The  heat  and  closeness  of  the  densely-packed 
room  was  a  cause  of  common  complaint  among  the  audience. 

X  "  These  clothes"  dec. — This  was  one  of  poor  Artemus's  jokes  which 
owed  more  of  its  success  to  its  oddity  than  to  its  veracity.  While  lectur- 
ing at  the  Egyptian  Hall  he  wore  a  fashionably-cut  dress-coat  in  the  even- 
ing. It  was  what  he  had  never  done  during  his  lecture-career  in  the 
States,  and  he  used  privately  to  complain  how  uncomfortable  he  felt  in 
it.  He  assumed  the  most  deplorable  look  when  pointing  out  his  costume 
to  his  audience.  His  voice  dropped  into  a  moody,  reflective  tone,  and 
then  suddenly  passed  into  a  much  higher  key  when  he  commenced  to 
allude  to  "  large  fortunes.''  He  seemed  to  have  shaken  ofif  the  embarrass- 
ment of  his  fashionable  clothes,  and  to  be  glad  to  pass  on  to  another 
subject.  In  the  punctuation  of  the  succeeding  paragraph  of  the  lecture,  I 
have  endeavoured  to  convey  an  idea  of  the  long  pause  he  made  between 
some  of  his  sentences. 


ARTEMUS  WARUS  LECTURE.  359 

How  often  do  large  fortunes  ruin  young  men  !  I  s  h  0  u  1  d 
like  to  be  ruined,  but  I  can  get  on  very  well  as  I  am. 

I  am  not  an  Artist.  I  don't  paint  myself though,  per- 
haps,   if  I  were  a  middle-aged  single  lady  I  «hoald yet  I  have 

a  passion  for  pictures. 1  have  had  a  great  many  pictures — 

photographs — taken  of  myself.  Some  of  them  are  very  pretty 
— rather  sweet  to  look  at  for  a  short  time — 
and  as  I  said  before  I  like  them.     I  Ve  always  loved  pictures. 

I  could  draw  on  wood  at  a  very  tender  age.  When  a  mere 
child  I  once  drew  a  small  cartload  of  raw  tur- 
nips  over   a   wooden   bridge. The  people  of  the 

tillage  noticed  me.  I  drew  their  attention.  They 
said  I  had  a  future  before  me.  Up  to  that  time  I  had  an  idea 
it  was  behind  me. 

Time  passed  on.  It  always  does,  by  the  way.  You  may 
possibly  have  noticed  that  Time    passes    on. 

It  is  a  kind  of  way  Time  haa. 

I  became  a  man.  I  haven't  distinguished  myself  at  all  as 
an  artist — but  I  have  always  been  more  or  less  mixed  up  with 
Art.  I  have  an  uncle  who  takes  photographs — a  n  d  I  have 
a  servant  wh  0 takes  anything  he  can  get  his  hands  on. 

When  I  was  in  Rome Rome  in  New  York  State,  I  meai 

a  distinguished  sculpist  wanted  to  sculp  me.     But  I  said 

"  No."  I  saw  through  the  designing  man.  My  model  once  in 
bis  hands — he  would  have  flooded  the  market  with  my  busts 

and  I  couldn't  stand  it  to  see  everybody  going  round  with 

a  bust  of  me.  Everybody  would  want  one  of  course — and 
wherever  I  should  go  I  should  meet  the  educated  classes  with 
my  bust,  taking  it  home  to  their  families.     This    would 

be   more   than   my   modesty    could   stand and 

I    should    have    to    return   to   America where 

my  creditors  ar«. 

I  like  Art.  I  admire  dramatic  Art — although  I  failed  as  an 
actor. 


36o  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE, 

It  was  in  my  schoolboy  days  that  I  failed  as  an  actor.*—- 

The  play  was  the  "  Ruins  of  Pompeii." 1  played    the 

Ruins.     It  was  not  a  very  successful  performance — ^but  it 
was  better  than  the  "  Burning  Mountain."     He   was  not 

good.      He  was  a  bad  Vesuvius. 

The  remembrance  often  makes  me  ask — "Where  are  the 

boys  of  my  youth  % " 1  assure  you  this  is  not  a  conundrum. 

Some  are  amongst  you  here some  in  America 

some  are  in  gaol. 

Hence  arises  a  most  touching  question — "Where  are  the 

girls  of  my  youth  ?  "     Some  are  married s ome    would 

like  to   be. 

Oh  my  Maria !     Alas !  she  married  another.     They  frequentl> 

do.     I  hope  she  is  happy — b  ecause  I  am.  t Some  people 

are  not  happy.     I  have  noticed  that. 

A  gentleman  friend  of  mine  came  to  me  one  day  with  tears 
in  his  eyes.  I  said  "  Why  these  weeps  1 "  He  said  he  had  a 
mortgage  on  his  farm — and  wanted  to  borrow  £200.  I  lent 
him  the  money — and  he  went  away.  Some  time  after  he  re- 
turned with  more  tears.  He  said  he  must  leave  me  for  ever. 
]  ventured  to  remind  him  of  the  £200  he  borrowed.  He  was 
much  cut  up.  I  thought  I  would  not  be  hard  upon  him — 
60  told  him  I  would  throw  off  one  hundred  pounds.  He 
brightened — shook  my  hand — and  said — "Old  friend  —  I 
won't  allow  you  to  outdo  me  in  liberality — I'll  throw  off 
the  other  hundred." 

As  a  manager  I  was  always  rather  more  successful  than  as 
an  actor. 

*  "Failed  as  an  acter." — Artemus  made  many  attempts  as  an  amateur 
actor,  but  never  to  his  own  satisfaction.  He  was  very  fond  of  the  society 
of  actors  and  actresses.  Their  weaknesses  amused  him  as  much  as  their 
talents  excited  his  admiration.  One  of  his  favourite  sayings  was  that  the 
world  was  made  up  of  "  men,  women,  and  the  people  on  the  stage." 

+  "  Because  I  am  I  " — Spoken  with  a  sigh.  It  was  a  joke  which  always 
told.  Artemus  never  failed  to  use  it  in  his  "  Babes  in  the  "Wood  "  lec- 
ture, and  the  "  Sixty  Minutes  in  Africa,"  as  well  as  in  the  Mormon  story. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  361 

Some  years  ago  I  engaged  a  celebrated  Living  American 
Skeleton  for  a  tour  through  Australia.  He  was  the  thinnest 
man  I  ever  saw.     He  was  a  splendid  skeleton.     He  didn't 

weigh  anything  scarcely and  I  said  to  myself — the  people 

of  Australia  will  flock  to  see  this  tremendous  curiosity.  It  is 
a  long  voyage — as  you  know — from  New  York  to  Melbourne — 
and  to  my  utter  surprise  the  skeleton  had  no  sooner  got  out 
to  sea  than  he  commenced  eating  in  the  most  horrible  manner. 
He  had  never  been  on  the  ocean  before — and  he  said  it  agreed 

with  him. 1   thought   so  ! 1  never  saw  a  man  eat  so 

much  in  my  life.     Beef — mutton — pork he  swallowed  them 

all  like  a  shark and  between  meals  he  was  often  dis- 
covered behind  barrels  eating  hard-boiled  eggs.  The  result 
was  that  when  we  reached  Melbourne  this  infamous  skeleton 
weighed  64  pounds  more  than  I  did  ! 

I  thought  I  was  ruined but  I  wasn't.     I  took  him  on  to 

California another  very  long  sea  voyage and  when  I 

got  him  to  San  Francisco  I  exhibited  him  as  a  Fat 
Man.* 

This  story  hasn't  anything  to  do  with  my  Entertainment,  I 

know ^but  one  of  the  principal  features  of  my  Entertainment 

is  that  it  contains  so  many  things  that  don't  have  anything  to 
do  with  it. 

My  Orchestra  is  small ^but  I  am  sure  it  is  very  good — so 

far  as  it  goes.  I  give  my  pianist  ten  pounds  a 
night — and   his    washing.t 

*  "^«  a  fat  man.*' — The  reader  need  scarcely  be  informed  that  this 
narrative  is  about  as  real  as  "  A.  Ward's  Snaiks,"  and  about  as  much 
matter  of  fact  as  his  journey  through  the  States  with  a  wax-work  show. 

+  "  My  pianist,"  dbc. — That  a  good  pianist  could  be  hired  for  a  small 
sum  in  England  was  a  matter  of  amusement  to  Artemus.  More  especially 
when  he  found  a  gentleman  obliging  enough  to  play  anything  he  desired, 
Buch  as  break-downs  and  airs  which  had  the  most  absurd  relation  to  the 
scene  they  were  used  to  illusti-ate.  In  the  United  States  his  pianist  was 
desirous  of  playing  music  of  a  superior  order,  much  against  the  consent  of 
the  lecturer. 


362  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

I  like  Music. 1  can't  sing.     As  a  singist  I  am  not  a 

success.  I  am  saddest  when  I  sing.  So  are  those  who 
hear  me.     They  are  sadder  even  than  I  am. 

The  other  night  some  silver-voiced  young  men  came  under 
my  window,  and  sang — "  Come  where  my  love  lies  dreaming." 
^I  didn't  go.  I  didn't  think  it  would  be  cor- 
rect. 

I  found  music  very  soothing  when  I  lay  ill  with  fever  in 

Utah and  I  was  very  ill 1  was  fearfully  wasted. 

My  face  was  hewn  down  to  nothing — and  my  nose  was  so  sharp 
I  didn't  dare  stick  it  into  other  people's  business — for  fear 
it   would   stay   ther e — and  I  should  never  get  it  again. 

And  on  those  dismal  days  a  Mormon  lady she  was  married 

— ^tho'   not    so   much    so    as   her    husband — he  had 

fifteen  other  wives she  used   to   sing  a  ballad    commencing 

"  Sweet  bird — do  not  fly  away  ! " and  I  told  her  I  wouldn't. 

She  played  the  accordion  divinely — accordionly  I  praised 

her. 

I  met  a  man  in  Oregon  who  hadn't  any  teeth — not  a  tooth 

in  his  head y et    that    man    could    play   on   the 

bass    drum    better    than    any  man    I    ever  met. 

He  kept  a  hotel.     They  have  queer  hotels  in  Oregon.     I 

remember  one  where  they  gave  me  a  bag  of  oats  for  a  pillow 
1  had  night  mares  of  course.  In  the  morn- 
ing the  landlord  said — How  do  you  feel — old  boss — hav? , 

I  told  him  I  felt  my  oats. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LFCTURE.  363 


PERMIT  *  me  now  to  quietly  state  tliat  altho'  I  am  here 
with  my  cap  and  bells,  I  am  also  here  with  some  seri- 
ous descriptions  of  the  Mormons — their  manners — their  cus- 
toms  and  while  the  pictures  I  shall  present  to  your  notice 

;ire  by  no  means  works  of  art — they  are  painted  from  photo- 
graphs actually  taken  on  the  spot  t and  I  am  sure  I  need 

not  inform  any  person  present  who  was  ever  in  the  territory 
of  Utah  that  they  are  as  faithful  as  they  could  possibly  be.  % 
I  went  to  Great  Salt  Lake  City  by  way  of  California.  § 

•  "  Permit  me  now.** — ^Though  the  serious  part  of  the  lecture  was  here 
entered  upon,  it  was  not  delivered  in  a  graver  tone  than  that  in  which  he 
had  spoken  the  farcicalities  of  the  prologue.  Most  of  the  prefatory  mat- 
ter was  given  with  an  air  of  earnest  thought ;  the  arms  sometimes  folded, 
and  the  chin  resting  on  one  hand.  On  the  occasion  of  his  first  exhibiting 
the  panorama  at  New  York  he  used  a  fishing-rod  to  point  out  the  picture 
with ;  subsequently  he  availed  himself  of  an  old  umbrella.  In  the  Egyp- 
tian Hall  he  used  his  little  riding-whip. 

t  "  Photographs." — They  were  photographed  by  Savage  &  Ottinger,  ol 
Salt  Lake  City,  the  photographers  to  Brigham  Young. 

*  Curtain. — The  picture  was  concealed  from  view  during  the  first  part 
of  the  lecture  by  a  crimson  curtain.  This  was  drawn  together  or  opened 
/nany  times  in  the  course  of  the  lecture,  and  at  odd  points  of  the  picture. 
I  am  not  aware  that  Artemus  himself  could  have  explained  why  he  caused 
the  curtain  to  be  drawn  at  one  place  and  not  at  another.  Probably  he 
thought  it  to  be  one  of  his  good  jokes  that  it  should  shut  in  the  picture 
jnst  wheti  there  was  no  reason  for  its  being  used. 

§  "  By  way  of  California.^' — That  is,  he  went  by  steamer  from  New 
York  to  Aspinwall,  thence  across  the  Isthmus  of  Panama  by  railway,  and 
then  from  Panama  to  California  by  another  steamboat.  A  journey  which 
then  occupied  about  three  weeks. 


364  ARTEMVS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

I  went  to  California  on  the  steamer  Ariel, This  is  the 

steamer  Arid, 


(Pointing  to  Panorama,) 


Oblige  me  by  calmly  gazing  on  the  steamer  Ariel a  n  d 

when  you  go  to  California  be  sure  and  go 
on    some    other    steamer because    the    AHel  isn't  a 

very  good  one. 

When  I  reached  the  Ariel^at  pier  No.  4 — New  York — I 
found  the  passengers  in  a  state  of  great  confusion  about  their 
things — which  were  being  thrown  around  by  the  ship's  porters 

in  a  manner  at  once  damaging  and  idiotic. So  great  was 

the  excitement — my  fragile  form  was  smashed  this  way — and 
jammed  that  way — till  finally  I  was  shoved  into  a  stateroom 
which  was  occupied  by  two  middle-aged  females — who  said, 

"  Base  man — leave  us— Oli  leave  us ! " 1    left     the  m 0  h 

—T    left    them! 

We  reached  Accapulco,  on  the  coast  of  Mexico,  in  due  time. 

Nothing  of  special  interest  occurred   at  Accapulco only 

some  of  the  Mexican  ladies  are  very  beautiful.     They  all  have 

brilliant  black  hair hair  "  black  as  starless  night " i  f  I 

may   quote   from    the   Family  Herald.     It  don't 

curl. A    Mexican's    lady's    hair    never    curls it   ia 

straight  as  an  Indian's.     Some  people's  hair  won't  curl  under 

any  circumstances. My  hair  won't  curl  under  two  shillings.* 

*  '*  Under  two  sJdlUngs." — Artemus  always  wore  his  hair  straight  until 
after  his  severe  illness  in  Salt  Lake  City.  So  much  of  it  dropped  off 
during  his  recovery,  that  he  became  dissatisfied  with  the  long  meagre 
appearance  his  countenance  presented  when  he  surveyed  it  in  the  looking- 
glass.  After  his  lecture  at  the  Salt  Lake  City  theatre,  he  did  not  lecture 
again  \mtil  we  had  crossed  the  Rocky  Mountains  and  arrived  at  Denver 
City,  the  capital  of  Colorado.     On  the  afternoon  he  was  to  lecture  there. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  365 

{Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  gi'eat  thoroughfare  of  the  imperial  city  of  the  Pacific 
Coast. 

The  Chinese  form  a  large  element  in  the  population  of  San 
Francisco — and  I  went  to  the  Chinese  Theatre. 

A  Chinese  play  often  lasts  two  months.  Commencing  at 
the  hero's  birth,  it  is  cheerfully  conducted  from  week  to  week 
till  he  is    either    killed    or    married. 

The  night  I  was  there  a  Chinese  comic  vocalist  sang  a 
Chinese  comic  song.  It  took  him  six  weeks  to  finish  it — but^ 
as  my  time  was  limited,  I  went  away  at  the  expiration  of  215 
verses.     There  were  11,000  verses  to  this  song — the  chorus 

being  "  Tural  lural  dural,  ri  fol  day  " ^which  was  repeated 

twice  at  the  end  of  each  verse making — as  you  will  at  once 

see — the  appalling  number  of  22,000  "  tural  lural  dural,  ri  fol 
days " a nd    the    man    still    lives. 

{Pointing  to  Panorama.) 


Virginia  City — in  the  bright  new  State  of  Nevada.* 

I  met  him  coming  out  of  an  ironmonger's  store  with  a  small  parcel  in  his 
hand.  "  I  want  you,  old  fellow,"  he  said ;  "  I  have  been  all  round  the 
city  for  them,  and  1  've  got  them  at  last."  "  Got  what  ? "  I  asked,  "  A 
pair  of  curling-tongs.  1  am  going  to  have  my  hair  curled  to  lecture  in 
to-night.  I  mean  to  cross  the  Plains  in  curls.  Come  home  »vith  me,  and 
try  to  curl  it  for  me.  I  don't  want  to  go  to  any  idiot  of  a  barber,  to  be 
laughed  at."  I  played  the  part  of  friseur.  Subsequently  he  became  his 
own  "  curlist,"  as  he  phrased  it.  From  that  day  forth  Artemus  was  a 
curlr  haired  man. 

*  "  Virginia  City." — The  view  of  Virginia  City  given  in  the  panorama 
conveyed  a  very  poor  idea  of  the  marvellous  capital  of  the  silver  region  of 


366  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE, 

A  wonderful  little  city — right  in  the  heart  of  the  famous 
Washoe  silver  regions the  mines  of  which  annually  pro- 
Nevada,  Artemus  caused  the  curtain  to  close  up  between  his  view  of  San 
Francisco  and  that  of  Virginia  City,  as  a  simple  means  of  conveying  an 
idea  of  the  distance  travelled  between.  To  arrive  at  the  city  of  silver  we 
had  to  travel  from  San  Francisco  to  Sacramento  by  steamboat,  thence 
from  Sacramento  to  Folsom  by  railroad,  then  by  coach  to  Placerville.  At 
Placerville  we  commenced  the  ascent  of  the  Sierra  Nevada,  gaining  the 
summit  of  Johnson's  Pass  about  four  o'clock  in  the  morning ;  thence  we 
descended  ;  skirted  the  shores  of  Lake  Tahoe,  and  arrived  at  Carson  City, 
where  Artemus  lectured.  From  Carson,  the  next  trip  was  across  an  arid 
plain,  to  the  great  silver  region.  Empire  City,  the  first  place  we  struck, 
was  composed  of  about  fifty  wooden  houses  and  three  or  four  quartz  mills. 
Leaving  it  behind  us,  we  pass  through  the  Devil's  Gate — a  grand  ravine, 
with  precipitous  mountains  on  each  side  ;  then  we  came  to  Silver  City, 
Gold  Hill,  and  Virginia.  The  road  was  all  up-hill.  Virginia  City  itself  is 
built  on  a  ledge  cut  out  of  the  side  of  Mount  Davidson,  which  rises  some 
9000  feet  above  the  sea  level — the  city  being  about  half  way  up  its  side. 
To  Artemus  "Ward  the  wild  character  of  the  scenery,  the  strange  mannei*8 
of  the  red-ghirted  citizens,  and  the  odd  developments  of  life  met  with  in 
that  uncouth  mountain-town  were  all  replete  with  interest.  We  staye 
there  about  a  week.  During  the  time  of  our  stay  he  explored  every  part 
of  the  place,  met  many  old  friends  from  the  Eastern  States,  and  formed 
many  new  acquaintances,  with  some  of  whom  acquaintance  ripened  into 
warm  friendship.  Among  the  latter  was  Mr  Samuel  L.  Clemens,  now 
well  known  as  "  Mark  Twain."  He  was  then  sub-editing  one  of  the  three 
papers  published  daily  in  Virginia — The  Temtorial  Enterprise.  Artemus 
detected  in  the  writings  of  Mark  Twain  the  indications  of  great  humorous 
power,  and  etrongly  advised  the  writer  to  seek  a  better  field  for  his  talents. 
Since  then  he  has  become  a  well-known  New  York  lecturer  and  author. 
With  Mark  Twain,  Artemus  made  a  descent  into  the  Gould  and  Curry 
Silver  Mine  at  Virginia,  the  largest  mine  of  the  kind,  I  believe,  in  the 
world.  The  account  of  the  descent  formed  a  long  and  very  amusing 
article  in  the  next  morning's  Enterprise.  To  wander  about  the  town  and 
note  its  strange  developments  occupied  Artemus  incessantly.  I  was  sitting 
writing  letters  at  the  hotel  when  he  came  in  hurriedly,  and  requested  me 
to  go  out  with  him.  *'  Come  and  see  some  joking  much  better  than 
mine,"  said  he.  He  led  me  to  where  one  of  Wells,  Fargo,  &  Co.'s  express 
waggons  was  being  rapidly  filled  \vith  silver  bricks.  Ingots  of  the  precious 
metal,  each  almost  as  large  as  an  ordinary  brick,  were  being  thrown  fron 
one  man  to  another  to  load  the  waggon,  just  as  bricks  or  cheeses  are  trans- 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  367 

iuce  over  twenty-five  millions  of  solid  silver.     This  silver  is 
melted  into  solid  bricks — of  about  the  size  of  ordinary  house- 

f erred  from  hand  to  hand  by  carters  in  England.  **  Good  old  jokes  those, 
Kingston.  Good,  solid  *  Babes  in  the  "Wood, '"  observed  Artemus.  Yet 
that  evening  he  lectured  in  "  Maguire's  Opera  House,"  Virginia  City,  to 
an  audience  composed  chiefly  of  miners,  and  the  receipts  were  not  far 
short  of  eight  hundred  dollars.  A  droll  building  it  was  to  be  called  an 
"  Opera  House,"  and  to  bear  that  designation  in  a  place  so  outlandish. 
Perched  up  on  the  side  of  a  mountain,  from  the  windows  of  the  dressing- 
rooms  a  view  could  be  had  of  fifty  miles  of  the  American  desert.  It  was 
an  "Opera  House  ;"  yet  in  the  plain  beneath  it  there  were  Indians  who 
still  led  the  life  of  savages,  and  carried  dried  human  scalps  attached  ti) 
their  girdles.  It  was  an  "  Opera  House  ;"  yet,  for  many  hundred  miles 
around  it,  Nature  wore  the  roughest,  sternest,  and  most  barren  of  aspects 
— no  tree,  no  grass,  no  shrub,  but  the  colourless  and  dreary  sage-brush. 
Every  piece  of  timber,  every  brick,  and  every  stone  in  that  "  Opera 
House"  had  been  brought  from  California,  over  those  snow-capped  5ierra«, 
which,  but  a  few  years  before,  had  been  regarded  as  beyond  the  last  out- 
K>sts  of  civilisation.  Every  singer  who  had  sung,  and  every  actor  who 
tad  performed  at  that  "  Opera  House,"  had  been  whirled  down  the  sidea 
*f  the  Nevada  mountains,  clinging  to  the  coach-top,  and  mentally  vowing 
never  again  to  trust  the  safety  of  his  neck  on  any  such  professional 
excm-sion.  The  drama  has  been  very  plucky  "out  West."  Thalia,  Mel- 
pomene, and  Euterpe  become  young  ladies  of  great  animal  spirits  and 
fearless  daring  when  they  feel  the  fresh  breezes  of  the  Pacific  blowing  in 
their  faces.  At  Virginia  City  we  purchased  black  felt  shirts  half  an  inch 
thick,  and  gray  blankets  of  ample  size  to  keep  us  warm  for  the  journey  we 
were  about  to  undertake.  We  invested  also  in  revolvers  to  defend  our- 
gelves  against  the  Indians  ;  a  dozen  cold  roast  fowls  to  eat  on  the  way ;  a 
demijohn  of  Bourbon  whisky,  and  a  bagful  of  unground  coffee.  This  last 
was  about  as  useful  as  any  of  our  purchases.  Thus  provided,  we  started 
across  the  desert  on  our  way  to  Reese  River,  and  thence  to  Salt  Lake  City.  . 
Our  coach  was  a  fearfully  lumbering  old  vehicle  of  great  strength,  con- 
structed for  jolting  over  rocky  ledges,  plunging  into  marshy  swamps,  and 
for  rolling  through  miles  of  sand.  The  horses  were  small  and  wiry,  accus- 
tomed to  the  country,  and  able  to  exist  on  anything  which  it  is  possible 
for  a  horse  to  eat.  There  were  four  of  us  in  the  coach.  The  "  Pioneer 
Company's"  man  who  drove  us  was  full  of  whisky  and  good  humour  when 
he  mounted  the  box ;  and  singing  in  chorus,  "  Jordan's  a  hard  road  to  travel 
on,"  we  bowled  down  the  slope  of  Mount  Davidson  towards  the  deserts  of 
Nevada,  tn  roUte  for  New  Pass  Station. 


368  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

bricks — and  carted  off  to  San  Francisco  with  mules.      Thfl 
roads  often  swarm  with  these  silver  waggons. 

One  hundred  and  seventy-five  miles  to  the  east  of  this  place 
are  the  Reese  River  Silver  Mines — which  are  supposed  to  be 
the  richest  in  the  world. 


(Pointing  to  Fanorama.) 

The  great  American  Desert  in  winter- time the  desert 

which  is  so  frightfully  gloomy  always.    No  trees no  houses 

no  people — save  the  miserable  beings  who  live  in  wretched 

huts  and  have  charge  of  the  horses  and  mules  of  the  Overland 
Mail  Company. 

This  picture  is  a  great  work  of  art. It  is  an  oil  painting 

— d one  in  petroleum.  It  is  by  the  Old  Masters.  It 
was  the  last  thing  they  did  before  dying.  They  did  this 
and    then    they    expired. 

The  most  celebrated  artists  of  London  are  so  delighted  with 
this  picture  that  they  come  to  the  Hall  every  day  to  gaze  at 
it.  I  wish  you  were  nearer  to  it — so  you  could  see  it  better. 
I  wish  I  could  take  it  to  your  residences  and  let  you  see  it  by 
daylight.  Some  of  the  greatest  artists  in  London  come  here 
every  morning  before  daylight  with  lanterns  to  look  at. 
They   say    they    never  saw   anything  like  it 

b  e  f  O  r  e and  they  hope  they  never  shall  a^ain. 

When  I  first  showed  this  picture  in  New  York,  the  audience 
were  so  enthusiastic  in  their  admiration  of  this  picture  that 
they    called    for   the    Artist and   when   he 

appeared  they  threw  brickbats  at  him.* 

*  ♦'  Threw  brickbats  at  him." — This  portion  of  the  panorama  was  very 
badly  painted.  When  the  idea  of  having  a  panorama  was  first  enter- 
tained by  Artemus,  he  wished  to  have  one  of  great  artistic  merit.  Find- 
ing considerable  difficulty  in  procuring  one,  and  also  discovering  that  the 
expense  of  a  real  work  of  art  would  be  beyond  his  means,  he  rcsolvad  on 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  369 

(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

A  bird's-eye-view  of  Great  Salt  Lake  City the  strange 

city  in  the  Desert  about  which  so  much  has  been  heard the 

city  of  the  people  who  call  themselves  Saints.* 

I  know  there  is  much  interest  taken  in  these  remarkable 

people — ladies  and  gentlemen and  I  have  thought  it  bettei 

to  make  the  purely  descriptive  part  of  my  Entertainment 

entirely  serious 1  will  not — then — for  the  next  ten  minuteg 

— confine  myself  to  my  subject. 

having  a  very  bad  one,  or  one  so  bad  in  parts  that  its  very  badness  would 
give  him  scope  for  jest.  In  the  small  towns  of  the  Western  States  it 
passed  very  well  for  a  first-class  picture,  but  what  it  was  really  worth  in 
an  artistic  point  of  view  its  owner  was  very  well  aware. 

*  "  Salt  Lake  CUyy — Our  stay  in  the  Mormon  capital  extended  over  six 
weeks.  So  cheerless  was  the  place  in  midwinter,  that  we  should  not  have 
stayed  half  that  time  had  not  Artemus  "Ward  succumbed  to  an  attack  of 
typhoid  fever  almost  as  soon  as  we  arrived.  The  incessant  travel  by  night 
and  day,  the  depressing  eflfect  produced  by  intense  cold,  travelling  through 
leagues  of  snow  and  fording  haK-frozen  rivers  at  midnight,  the  excitement 
of  passing  through  Indian  country,  and  some  slight  nervous  apprehension 
of  how  he  would  be  received  among  the  Mormons,  considering  that  he 
had  ridiculed  them  in  a  paper  published  some  time  before,  all  conspired  to 
produce  the  illness  which  resulted.  Fever  of  the  typhoid  form  is  not  un- 
common in  Utah.  Probably  the  rarefaction  of  the  air  en  a  plateau  four 
thousand  feet  above  the  sea  level  has  something  to  do  with  its  frequency. 
Artemus's  fears  relative  to  the  cordiality  of  his  reception  proved  to  be 
groundless,  for  during  the  period  of  his  being  ill  he  was  carefully  tended. 
Brigham  Young  commissioned  Mr  Stenhouse,  postmaster  to  the  city  and 
Elder  of  the  Mormon  Church,  to  visit  him  frequently  and  supply  him  with 
whatever  he  required.  One  of  the  two  wives  of  Mr  Townsend,  landlord 
of  the  Salt  Lake  House,  the  hotel  where  we  stopped,  was  equally  as  kind. 
Whatever  the  feelings  of  the  Mormons  were  towards  poor  Artemus,  they 
at  least  treated  him  with  sympathetic  hospitality.  Even  Mr  Porter  Rock- 
well, who  is  known  as  one  of  the  "  Avenging  Angels,"  or  *'  Danite  Band," 
and  who  is  reported  to  have  made  away  with  some  seventeen  or  eighteen 
enemies  of  the  "  Saints,"  came  and  sat  by  the  bedside  of  the  sufferer, 
detailing  to  him  some  of  the  little  "  difficulties "  he  had  experienced  iu 
effectually  silencing  the  unbelievers  of  times  past. 

2  A 


370  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

Some  seventeen  years  ago,  a  small  band  of  Mormons— » 
headed  by  Brigham  Young — commenced  in  the  present  thrifty 
metropolis  of  Utah.     The  population  of  the  territory  of  Utah 

is  over  100,000 — chiefly  Mormons and  they  are  increasing 

at  the  rate  of  from  five  to  ten  thousand  annually.  The  con- 
verts to  Mormonism  now  are  almost  exclusively  confined  to 
English  and  Germans. Wales  and  Cornwall  have  contri- 
buted largely  to  the  population  of  Utah  during  the  last  few 
years.     The  population  of  Great  Salt  Lake  City  is  20,000. 

The  streets  are  eight  rods  wide  * — and  are  neither  flagged 

nor  paved.  A  stream  of  pure  mountain  spring  water  courses 
through  each  street — and  is  conducted  into  the  gardens  of  the 
Mormons.     The  houses  are  mostly  of  adobe — or   sun-dried 

brick — and  present  a  neat  and  comfortable  appearance. 

They  are  usually  a  story  and  a  half  high.     Now  and  then  you 

Bee  a  fine  modern  house  in  Salt  Lake  City but  no  house 

that  is  dirty,  shabby,  and  dilapidated — because  there  are  no 
absolutely  poor  people  in  Utah.  Every  Mormon  has  a  nice 
garden and  every  Mormon  has  a  tidy  dooryard. Neat- 
ness is  a  great  characteristic  of  the  Mormons. 

The  Mormons  profess  to  believe  that  they  are  the  chosen 

people,  of  God they  call  themselves  Latter-day  Saints 

and  they  call  us  people  of  the  outer  world  Gentiles.    They 

say  that  Mr  Brigham  Young  is  a  prophet — the  legitimate  suc- 
cessor of  Joseph  Smith,  who  founded  the  Mormon  religion. 
They  also  say  they  are  authorised — by  special  revelation  from 
Heaven — to  marry  as  many  wives  as  they  can  comfortably 
support. 

This  wife  system  they  call  plurality the  world  calls  it 

polygamy.     That,  at  its  best,  it  is  an  accursed  thing — I  need 

not,  of  course,  inform  you — '• but  you  will  bear  in  mind 

that  I  am  here  as  a  rather  cheerful  reporter  of  what  I  saw  in 
Utah— — and  I  fancy  it  isn't  at  all  necessary  for  me  to  grorw 

*  Equal  to  sixty-fo'or  feet  wide. 


ARTEMUS  WARD*S  LECTURE.  371 

virtuously  indignant  over  something  we  all  know  is  hideously 
wrong. 

You  will  be  surprised  to  hear — I  was  amazed  to  see — that 
among  the  Moimon  women  there  are  some  few  persons  of 
education — of  positive  cultivation.     As  a  class  the  Mormons 

are  not  an  educated  people but  they  are  by  no  means  the 

community  of  ignoramuses  so  many  writers  have  told  us  they 
were. 

The  valley  in  which  they  live  is  splendidly  favoured.  They 
raise  immense  crops.  They  have  mills  of  all  kinds.  They  have 
coal — tead — and  silver  mines.  All  they  eat — all  they  drink — 
all  they  wear — they  can  produce  themselves — and  still  have  a 
great  abundance  to  sell  to  the  gold  regions  of  Idaho  on  the  one 
hand  and  the  silver  regions  of  Nevada  on  the  other. 

The  President  of  this  remarkable  community the  head  of 

the  Mormon  Church is  Brigham  Young. He  is  called 

President  Young — and  Brother  Brigham.  He  is  about  fifty-four 
years  old — although  he  doesn't  look  to  be  over  forty-five.     He 

has  sandy  hair  and  whiskers is  of  medium  height and 

is  a  little  inclined  to  corpulency.  He  was  born  in  the  State  of 
Vermont.    His  power  is  more  absolute  than  that  of  any  living 

sovereign yet  he  uses  it  with  such  consummate  discretion 

that  his  people  are  almost  madly  devoted  to  him — and  that 
they  would  cheerfully  die  for  him  if  they  thought  the  sacrifice 
were  demanded — I  cannot  doubt. 

He  is  a  man  of  enormous  wealth.     One-tenth  of  everything 

sold  in  the  territory  of  Utah  goes  to  the  Church and  Mr 

Brigham  Young  is  the  Church.  It  is  supposed  that  he  specu- 
lates with  these  funds at  all  events,  he  is  one  of  the 

wealthiest  men  now  living worth  several  millions — with 

out  doubt. He  is  a  bold — bad  man but  that  he  is  also 

a  man  of  extraordinary  administrative  ability  no  one  can  doubC 
who  has  watched  his  astounding  career  for  the  past  ten  years. 
It  is  only  fair  for  me  to  add  that  he  treated  me  with  marked 
kindness  during  my  sojourn  in  Utah. 


372  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE, 

(Fointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  West  Side  of  Main  Street — Salt  Lake  City — including 

a  view  of  the  Salt  Lake  Hotel. It  is  a  temperance  hotel.* 

I  prefer  temperance  hotels — alt  ho'  they  sell  worse 
liquor  than  any  other  kind  of  hotels.     But  the 

Salt  Lake  Hotel  sells  none nor  is  there  a  bar  in  all  Salt 

Lake  City but  I  found  when  I  was  thirsty — and  I  gene- 
rally am — that  I  could  get  some  very  good  brandy  of  one  of 
the  Elders — on  the  sly — and  I  never  on  any  account  allow  my 

business  to  interfere  with  my  drinking. 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

There  is  the  Overland  Mail  Coach. t That  is,  the  den  on 

wheels  in  which  we  have  been  crammed  for  the  past  ten  days — 

*  "  Temperance  hotel. " — At  the  date  of  our  visit,  there  was  only  one 
place  in  Salt  Lake  City  where  strong  drink  was  allowed  to  be  sold.  Brig- 
ham  Young  himself  owned  the  property,  and  vended  the  liquor  by  whole- 
sale, not  permitting  any  of  it  to  be  drunk  on  the  premises.  It  was  a 
coarse,  inferior  kind  of  whisky,  known  in  Salt  Lake  as  "  Valley  Tau." 
Throughout  the  city  there  was  no  drinking-bar  nor  billiard-room,  so  far 
as  I  am  aware.  But  a  drink  on  the  sly  could  always  be  had  at  one  of  the 
hard-goods  stores,  in  the  back  oflBce  behind  the  pile  of  metal  saucepans  ; 
or  at  one  of  the  dry-goods  stores,  in  the  little  parlour  in  the  rear  of  the 
bales  of  calico.  At  the  present  time  I  believe  that  there  are  two  or  three 
open  bars  in  Salt  Lake,  Brigham  Young  having  recognised  the  right  of  the 
"Saints"  to"  liquor  up"  occasionally.  But  whatever  other  failings  they 
may  have,  intemperance  cannot  be  laid  to  their  charge.  Among  the  Mor- 
mons there  are  no  paupers,  no  gamblers,  and  no  drunkards. 

f  "  Overland  mail  coach." — From  Virginia  City  to  Salt  Lake  we  travelled 
in  the  coaches  of  the  "  Pioneer  Stage  Company."  In  leaving  Salt  Lake  for 
Denver  we  changed  to  those  of  the  "  Overland  Stage  Company,"  of  which 
the  renowned  Ben  Holliday  is  proprietor,  a  gentleman  whose  name  on  the 
PLiins  is  better  known  than  that  of  any  other  man  in  America. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  373 

and  ten  nights. Those  of  you  who  have  been  in  Newgate* — 


— and   stayed    there    any  length    of  time as 

visitor  s can  realise  how  I  felt. 

The  American  Overland  Mail  Route  commences  at  Sacra- 
mento— California and  ends  at  Atchison — Kansas.     The 

distance  is  two  thousand  two  hundred  miles but  you  go 

part  of  the  way  by  rail.     The  Pacific  Railway  t  is  now  com- 


•  "  Bttn  in  A'ezf^rafe."— The  manner  in  -which  Artemus  uttered  this  joke 
was  peculiarly  characteristic  of  his  style  of  lecturing.  The  commencement 
of  the  sentence  was  spoken  as  if  unpremeditated ;  then,  when  he  had  got 
as  far  as  the  word  "  Newgate,"  he  paused,  as  if  wishing  to  call  back  that 
which  he  had  said.  The  applause  was  unfailingly  uproarious.  Travelling 
through  the  States,  he  used  to  say,  **  Those  of  you  who  have  been  in  the 
Penitentiary."  On  the  morning  after  his  lecture  at  Pittsburg,  in  Penn- 
sylvania, he  was  waited  on  by  a  tall,  gaunt,  dark-haired  man,  of  sour  aspect 
and  sombre  demeanour,  who  carried  in  his  hand  a  hickory  walking-cane, 
which  he  grasped  very  menacingly,  as  addressing  Artemus  he  said,  "  I 
guess  you  are  the  gentleman  who  lect'red  last  night  ? "  Mr  Ward  replied 
in  the  afl&rmative.  "  Then  I  've  got  to  have  satisfaction  from  you.  I 
took  my  wife  and  her  sister  to  hear  you  lecter,  and  you  insulted  them." 
"Excuse  me,"  said  Artemus.  "I  went  home  immediately  the  lecture 
wab  over,  and  had  no  conversation  with  any  lady  in  the  hall  that  evening." 
The  visitor  grew  more  angry.  "  Hold  thar,  Mr  Lect'rer.  You  told  my  wife 
and  her  sister  that  they'd  been  in  the  Penitentiary.  I  must  have  satis- 
faction for  the  insult,  and  I  'm  come  to  get  it."  Artemus  was  hesitating 
how  to  reply,  when  the  hotel  clerk  suddenly  appeared  upon  the  scene, 
saying,  "  I  've  a  good  memory  for  voices.  You  are  Mr  Josiah  Mertin,  I 
believe  ?"  "  I  am,"  was  the  reply.  "  And  I  am  the  late  clerk  of  the  Girard 
House,  Philadelphia.  There 's  a  little  board-bill  of  yours  owing  there  for 
ninety-two  dollars  and  a  half.  You  skedaddled  without  paying.  Will 
you  oblige  me  by  waiting  till  I  send  for  an  officer  ? "  I  believe  that 
Mr  Josiah  Mertin  did  not  even  wait  for  "  satisfaction." 

t  ^^  The  Pacific  Railway." — The  journey  was  made  in  the  winter  of 
1863-4.    By  the  time  these  notes  appear  in  print  the  Pacific  Railway  will 


374  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE, 

pleted  from  Sacramento — California — to  Fulsom — California 

which  only  leaves  two  thousand  two  hundred  and  eleven 

miles  to  go  by  coach.     This  breaks  the  monotony 
it  came  very  near  breaking  my  back. 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 


The  Mormon  Theatre. This  edifice  is  the  exclusive  pro- 
perty of  Brigham  Young.  It  will  comfortably  hold  three 
thousand  persons — and  I  beg  you  will  believe  me  when  I  in- 
form you  that  its  interior  is  quite  as  brilliant  as  that  of 
any  theatre  in  London.* 

The  actors  are  all  Mormon  amateurs,  who  charge  nothing 
for  their  services. 

be  almost  complete  from  the  banks  of  the  Missouri  to  those  of  the  Sacra- 
mento, and  travellers  will  soon  be  able  to  make  the  transit  of  over  three 
thousand  miles  from  New  York  City  to  the  capital  of  California,  without 
leaving  the  railway  car,  except  to  cross  a  ferry,  or  to  change  from  one 
station  to  another. 

*  "Brilliant  as  that  of  any  theatre  in  London." — Herein  Artemua 
slightly  exaggerated.  The  colouring  of  the  theatre  was  white  and  gold,  but 
it  was  inefiELciently  lighted  with  oil  lamps.  When  Brigham  Young  himself 
showed  us  round  the  theatre,  he  pointed  out,  as  an  instance  of  his  own 
ingenuity,  that  the  central  chandelier  was  formed  out  of  the  wheel  of  one 
of  his  old  coaches.  The  house  is  now,  I  believe,  lighted  with  gas.  Alto- 
gether it  is  a  very  wondrous  edifice,  considering  where  it  is  built  ard  who 
were  the  builders.  At  the  time  of  its  erection  there  was  no  other  theatre 
on  the  northern  part  of  the  American  plateau,  no  building  for  a  similar 
purpose  anywhere  for  five  hundred  miles,  north,  east,  south,  or  west. 
Many  a  theatre  in  the  provincial  towns  of  England  is  not  half  so  substan- 
tially built,  nor  one-tithe  part  so  well  appointed.  The  dressing  rooms, 
wardrobe,  tailors*  workshop,  carpenters'  shop,  paint  room,  and  library, 
leave  scarcely  anything  to  be  desired  in  their  completeness.  Brigham 
Young's  Bon-in-law,  Mr  Hiram  Clawson,  the  manager,  and  Mr  John  Cane, 
the  stage  manager,  if  they  came  to  London,  might  render  good  service  at 
one  or  two  of  our  metropolitan  playhouse*. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  375 

You  must  know  that  very  little  money  is  taken  at  the  doors 
of  this  theatre.  The  Mormons  mostly  pay  in  grain — and  all 
sorts  of  articles. 

The  night  I  gave  my  little  lecture  there— among  my  receipts 

were   corn  —  flour —  pork — cheese — chickens o  n    foot 

and    in    the    shell. 

One  family  went  in  on  a  live  pig and  a  man  attempted  to 

pass  a  "  yaller  dog"  at  the  Box  Office — but  my  agent  repulsed 

him.     One  ofi'ered  me  a  doll  for  admission another  infants* 

clothing. 1   refused  to  take   that. As   a   general 

rule   I   do  refuse. 

In  the  middle  of  the  parquet — in  a  rocking-chair — with  his 
hat  on — sits  Brigham  Young.  When  the  play  drags — he 
either  goes  out  or  falls  into  a  tranquil  sleep. 

A  portion  of  the  dress  circle  is  set  apart  for  the  wives  of 
Brigham  Young.  From  ten  to  twenty  of  them  are  usually 
present.  His  children  fill  the  entire  gallery 
— and  more  too. 

(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  East  Side  of  Main  Street — Salt  Lake   City— with  a 

view  of  the  Council  Building. The  Legislature  of  Utah 

meets  there.  It  is  like  all  legislative  bodies.  They  meet  this 
winter  to  repeal  the  laws  which  they  met  and  made  last 

winter and  they  will  meet  next  winter  to  repeal  the  laws 

which  they  met  and  made  this  winter. 

I     dislike    to    speak    about    i t ^but  it  was  in 

Utah  that  I  made  the  great  speech  of  my  life.  I  wish  you  could 
have  heard  it.     I  have  a  fine  education.     You   may  have 

noticed   it.     I  speak  six  different  languages London — 

Chatham — and  Dover Margate — Brighton— and  Hastings. 

My  parents  sold  a  cow — and  sent  me  to  college  when  I  was 
quite  young.     During  the  vacation  I  used  to  teach  a  sdiool  of 


376  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

whales— and  there  's  where  I  learned  to  spout. 1  don't  ex- 
pect applause  for  a  little  thing  like  that.  I  wish  you  could 
have  heard  that  speech — however.    If  Cicero — he 's  dead  now 

^he  has  gone  from  us but  if  Old  Ciss*  could  have 

heard  that  effort  it  would  have  given  him  the  rinderpest.  I  '11 
tell  you  how  it  was.  There  are  stationed  in  Utah  two  regi- 
ments of  U.  S.  troops the  21st  from  California — and  the 

37th  from  Nevada.     The  20-onesters  asked  me  to  present  a 

stand  of  colours  to  the  37-sters and  I  did  it  in  a  speech  so 

abounding  in  eloquence  of  a  bold  and  brilliant  character 

and  also  some  sweet  talk real  pretty  shopkeeping  talk 

that    I    worked    the    enthusiasm    of    those 

Boldiers    up    to    such   a    pitc h that  they  came  very 

near  shooting  me  on  the  spot.f 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 


Brigham  Young's   Harem. These   are  the  houses   of 

*  "  Old  Ciss. " — Here  again  no  description  can  adequately  inform  the 
reader  of  the  drollery  which  characterised  the  lecturer.  His  reference  to 
Cicero  was  made  in  the  most  lugubrious  manner,  as  if  he  really  deplored 
his  death  and  valued  him  as  a  schoolfellow  loved  and  lost. 

f  "  United  States  troops.'^ — Our  stay  in  Utah  was  rendered  especially 
pleasant  by  the  attentions  of  the  regiment  of  California  Cavalry,  then  sta- 
tioned at  Fort  Douglas  in  the  "Wahsatch  Mountains,  three  miles  beyond 
and  overlooking  the  city.  General  Edward  O'Connor,  the  United  States 
Military  Governor  of  Utah,  was  especially  attentive  to  the  wants  of  poor 
Artemus  during  his  severe  illness  ;  and  had  it  not  been  for  the  kind  atten- 
tions of  Dr  Williams,  the  surgeon  to  the  regiment,  I  doubt  if  the  invalid 
would  have  recovered.  General  O'Connor  had  then  been  two  years 
stationed  in  Utah,  but  during  the  whole  of  that  time  had  refused  to  have 
any  personal  communication  with  Brigham  Young.  The  Mormon  pro- 
phet would  sit  in  his  private  box,  and  the  United  States  general  occupy  a 
seat  in  the  dress-circle  of  the  theatre.  They  would  look  at  each  other 
frequently  through  their  opera-glasses,  but  that  constituted  their  whole 
iutimacy. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  377 

Brigham  Young.  The  first  on  the  right  is  the  Lion  House — 
80  called  because  a  crouching  stone  lion  adorns  the  central 
front  window.     The   adjoining    small  building  is   Brigham 

Young's  office — and  where  he  receives  his  visitors. The 

large  house  in  the  centre  of  the  picture — which  displays  a 

huge  bee-hive — is  called  the  Bee  House the  bee-hive  is 

supposed  to  be  symbolical  of  the  industry  of  the  Mormons. 

Mrs  Brigham  Young  the  first — now  quite  an  old  lady — 

lives  here  with  her  children.  None  of  the  other  wives  of  the 
prophet  live  here.  In  the  rear  are  the  school-houses  where 
Brigham  Young's  children  are  educated. 

Brigham  Young  has  two  hundred  wives.  Just  think  of 
that!  Oblige  me  by  thinking  of  that.  That  is — he  has  eighty 
actual  wives,  and  he  is  spiritually  married  to  one  hundred  and 

twenty  more.     These  spiritual  marriages as  the  Mormons 

call  them are  contracted  with  aged  widows — who  think  it 

a  great  honour  to  be  sealed the  Mormons  call  it  being 

sealed to  the  Prophet. 

So  we  may  say  he  has  two  hundred  wives.  He  loves 
not  w i s e  1  y — b ut  two  hundred  well.  He  is  dread- 
fully married.  He's  the  most  married  man  I  ever  saw  in  my 
life. 

I  saw  his  mother-in-law  while  I  was  there.  I  can't  ex- 
actly tell  you  how  many  there  is  of  he r — but 
it's  a  good  deal.  It  strikes  me  that  one  mother-in-law  is 
about  enough  to  have  in  a  family unless  you're  very  fond 

of  excitement. 

A  few  days  before  my  arrival  in  Utah — Brigham  was  mar- 

y  ried  again — to  a  young  and  really  pretty  girl  * but  he 

'^  says  he  shall  stop  now.  He  told  me  confidentially  that  he 
shouldn't  get  married  any  more.  He  says  that  all  he  wants 
now  is  to  live  in  peace  for  the  remainder  of  his  days — and 
have  his  dying  pillow  soothed  by  the  loving  hands  of  his 

*  "ul  rtaXly  pretty  girl." — The  daughter  of  the  architect  of  his  new 
theatre. 


378  AktEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

family.     Well— that 's  all  right that 's  all  right — I  suppoas 

b ut  if  all    his  family  soothe  his   dying 

pillow — he'll   have   to  go   out-doors  to   die. 

By  the  way — Shakespeare  endorses  polygamy. He  speaks 

of  the  Merry  Wives  of  Windsor.  How  many  wives  did 
Mr   Windsor   have  % But  we  will  let  this  pass. 

Some  of  these  Mormons  have  terrific  families.  I  lectured 
one  night  by  invitation  in  the  Mormon  village  of  Provost 

but  during  the  day  I  rashly  gave  a  leading  Mormon  an 

order  admitting  himself  and  family. 1 1    was    before    I 

knew    that    he    was    much    married and  they 

filled  the  room  to  overflowing.  It  was  a  great  suc- 
c e s s ^b ut    I    didn't    get    any    money. 


(Pointing  to  Panorama). 

Heber  C.  Kimball's  Harem. Mr  0.  Kimball  is  the  first 

vice-president  of  the  Mormon  Church — and  would — conse- 
quently— succeed  to  the  full  presidency  on  Brigham  Young's 
death. 

Brother  Kimball  is  a  gay  and  festive  cuss  of  some  seventy 

summers or    some  'ers    there    about.       He     has     one 

thousand  head  of  cattle  and  a  hundred 
head    of    wives.*     He  says  they  are  awful  eaters. 

Mr  Kimball  had  a  son a  lovely  young  man who 

was  married  to  ten  interesting  wives.     But  one  day while 

he  was  absent  from  home 1 hese    ten    wives    went 

out    walking    with    a    handsome    young    man 

*  *'  A  hundred  head  of  wives." —  It  is  an  authenticated  fact  that,  in  an 
address  to  his  congregation  in  the  Tabernacle,  Heber  C.  Kimball  once 
alluded  to  his  wives  by  the  endearing  epithet  of  "  my  heifers ; "  and  on 
another  occasion  politely  spoke  of  them  as  "his  cows."  The  phraseology 
may  possibly  be  a  slight  indication  of  the  refinement  of  manners  prevalent 
in  Salt  Lake  Ci*ir. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  379 

— which  so  enraged  Mr  Kimball's  son — which  made  Mr 
Kimball's  son  so  jealous — that  he  shot  himself  with  a  horse 
pistuel. 

The  doctor  who  attended  him a  very  scientific  man 

informed  me  that  the  bullet  entered  the  inner  parallelogram 
of  his  diaphragmatic  thorax,  superinducing  membranous 
hemorrhage  in  the  outer  cuticle  of  his  basiliconthamaturgist. 
It  killed  him.     I  should  have  thought  it  would. 

{Sojt  music)  * 

I  hope  this  sad  end  will  be  a  warning  to  all  young  wives 
who  go  out  walking  with  handsome  young  men.  Mr  Kim- 
ball's son  is  now  no  more.  He  sleeps  beneath  the 
cypress-^the  myrtle  —  and  the  willow.  This 
music  is  a  dirge  by  the  eminent  pianist  for  Mr  Kimball's  son. 
He  died  by  request. 

I  regret  to  say  that  efi'orts  were  made  to  make  a  Mormon  of 
me  while  I  was  in  Utah. 

It  was  leap-year  when  I  was  there — and  seventeen  young 

widows the  wives  of  a  deceased  Mormon offered  mo 

their  hearts  and  hands.      I  called   on  them  one  day — and 

taking  their  soft  white  hands  in  mine w hich   made 

eighteen  hands  altogethe r 1   found  them  in 

tears. 

And  I  said — "  Why  is  this  thus  %  What  is  the  reason  of 
til  is  thusness  ? " 

They  hove  a  sigh seventeen  sighs  of  different  iize They 

said — 

"  Oh — soon  thou  wilt  be  gonested  away ! " 

I  told  them  that  when  I  got  ready  to  leave  a  place  I 
wentested. 

*  "  Soft  music.'* — Here  Artemus  Ward's  pianist  (following  instructions) 
sometimes  played  the  "  Dead  March  from  Saul."  At  other  times,  the 
Welsh  air  of  "  Poor  Mary  Anne, "  or  anything  else  replete  with  sadneai 
which  might  chan^^  to  strike  his  fancy.    The  effect  was  IrresiBtibly  oomio. 


38o  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

They  said—"  Doth  not  like  us  % " 

I  said— "I  doth 1  doth!" 

I  also  said — "  I  hope  your  intentions  are  honourable — as  I 

am  a  lone  child my    parents    being    far— far  away." 

They  then  said — "  Wilt  not  marry  us  1 " 

I  said — "  Oh — no it  cannot  was." 

Again  they  asked  me  to  marry  them — and  again  I  declined. 
When  they  cried — 

"  Oh — cruel  man  !     This  is  too  much oh !  too  much ! " 

I  told  them  that  it  was  on  account  of  the 
mucliness    that    I    declined.* 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

This  is  the  Mormon  Temple. 

It  is  built  of  adobe — and  will  hold  five  thousand  persons 
quite  comfortably.     A  full  brass  and  string  band  often  assists 

the  choir  of  this  church and  the  choir — I  may  add — is  a 

remarkably  good  one. 

Brigham  Young  seldom  preaches  now.     The  younger  elders 

unless  on  some  special  occasions conduct  the  services. 

I  only  heard  Mr  Young  once.     He  is  not  an  educated  man 

but  speaks  with  considerable  force  and  clearness.     The 

day  I  was  there  there  was  nothing  coarse  in  his  remarks. 

{Pointing  to  Panorama.) 


The  foundations  of  the  Temple. 

These  are  the  foundations  of  the  magnificent  Temple  the 

*  "  Tliat  I  declined. " — I  remember  one  evening-party  in  Salt  Lake  City  to 
which  Artemus  Ward  and  myself  went.  There  were  thirty-nine  ladies  and 
only  seven  gentlemen. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  381 

Mormons  are  building.  It  is  to  be  built  of  hewn  stone — and 
will  cover  several  acres  of  ground.  They  say  it  shall  eclipse 
in  splendour  all  other  temples  in  the  world.  They  also  say  it 
shall  be  paved  with  solid  gold.* 

It  is  perhaps  worthy  of  remark  that  the  architect  of  this 
contemplated  gorgeous  affair  repudiated  Mormonism — and  is 
now  living  in  London. 


(Fointing  to  Patiorama.) 


The  Temple  as  it  is  to  be. 

This  pretty  little  picture  is  from  the  architect's  design 

and  cannot  therefore — I  suppose — be  called  a  fancy  sis  etch,  t 

Should  the  Mormons  continue  unmolested — I  think  they 
will  complete  this  rather  remarkable  edifice. 

"  Solid  gold" — "  Where  will  the  gold  be  obtained  from  ? "  is  a  question 
which  the  visitor  might  reasonably  be  expected  to  ask.  Unquestionably 
the  mountains  of  Utah  contain  the  precious  metal,  though  it  has  not  been 
the  policy  of  Brigham  Young  and  the  chiefs  of  the  Mormon  Church  to 
disclose  their  knowledge  of  the  localities  in  which  it  is  to  be  found. 
There  is  a  current  report  in  Salt  Lake  City  that  nuggets  of  gold  have  been 
picked  up  within  a  radius  of  a  few  score  of  miles  from  the  site  of  the 
new  temple.  But  the  Mormons,  instructed  by  their  Church,  profess 
ignorance  on  the  subject.  The  discovery  of  large  gold  mines,  and  per- 
mission to  work  them,  would  attract  to  the  valley  of  Salt  Lake  a  class  of 
visitors  not  wished  for  by  Brigham  Young  and  his  disciples.  Next  to  the 
construction  of  the  Pacific  Railway,  nothing  would  be  more  conducive  to 
the  downfall  of  Mormonism  than  Utah  becoming  known  as  an  extensive 
gold-field. 

+  "  ^  fancy  sketch^ — Artemus  had  the  windows  of  the  temple  in  his 
panorama  cut  out  and  filled  in  with  transparent  coloured  paper,  so  that, 
when  lighted  from  behind,  it  had  the  effect  of  one  of  the  little  plaster 
churches,  with  a  piece  of  lighted  candle  inside,  wliich  the  Italian  image- 
boys  display  at  times  for  sale  in  the  streets.  Notliing  in  the  course  of  the 
evening  pleased  Artemus  more  than  to  notice  the  satisfaction  with  which 
this  meretricious  piece  of  absurdity  was  received  by  the  audience. 


382  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE, 

Great  Salt  Lake. The  great  salt  dead  sea  of  the  deserfc. 

{Pointing  to  Panorama.) 


I  know  of  no  greater  curiosity  than  this  inland  sea  of  thick 
brine.  It  is  eighty  miles  wide — and  one  hundred  and  thirty 
miles  long.  SoHd  masses  of  salt  are  daily  washed  ashore  in 
immense  heaps — and  the  Mormon  in  want  of  salt  has  only  to 
go  to  the  shore  of  this  lake  and  fill  his  cart.  Only — the  salt 
for  table  use  has  to  be  subjected  to  a  boiling  process.* 

These  are  facts — susceptible  of  the  clearest  possible  proof 
They  tell  one  story  about  this  lake — however — that  I  have  m;^ 
doubts  about.  They  say  a  Mormon  farmer  drove  forty  head 
of  cattle  in  there  once — a nd  they  came  out  first- 
rate  pickled  beef. 


I  sincerely  hope  you  will  excuse  my  absence 1  am  a  man 

short — and  have  to  work  the  moon  myself. t 

*  "The  Great  Salt  Lake." — A  very  general  mistake  prevails  among  those 
not  better  informed,  that  the  Mormon  capital  is  built  upon  the  borders  of 
the  Salt  Lake.  There  are  eighteen  miles  of  distance  between  them.  Not 
from  any  part  of  the  city  proper  can  a  view  of  the  lake  be  obtained.  To 
get  a  glimpse  of  it  without  journeying  towards  it,  the  traveller  must  ascend 
to  one  of  the  rocky  ledges  in  the  range  of  mountains  which  back  the  city. 
So  saHne  is  the  water  of  the  lake,  that  three  pailsful  of  it  are  said  to  yield 
on  evaporation  one  pailful  of  salt.     I  never  saw  the  experiment  tried. 

f  *^Themoo7i  myself." — Here  Artemus  would  leave  the  rostrum  for  a 
few  moments,  and  pretend  to  be  engaged  behind.  The  picture  was  painted 
for  a  night  scene,  and  the  effect  intended  to  be  produced  waa  that  of  the 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE,  383 

I    shall    be    most     happy     to     pay    a  good 

salary     to     any    respectable     boy    of  good 

parentage    and    education    who    is    a  good 
in  0  0  n  i  s  t. 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  Endowment  House.  * 

In  this  building  the  Mormon  is  initiated  into  the  mysteries 
of  the  faith. 

Strange  stories  are  told  of  the  proceedings  which  are  held 

in  this  building but  I  have  no  possible  means  of  knowing 

how  true  they  may  be. 

(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

Echo  Canyon. 

Salt  Lake  City  is  fifty-five  miles  behind  us — and  this  is 
Echo  Canyon — in  reaching  which  we  are  supposed  to  have 
crossed  the  summit  of  the  Wahsatch  Mountains.  These  ochre- 
coloured  bluffs formed  of  conglomerate  sandstone — and 

moon  rising  over  the  lake,  and  rippling  on  the  waters.  It  was  produced 
in  the  usual  dioramic  way,  by  making  the  track  of  the  moon  transparent, 
and  throwing  the  moon  on  from  the  bull's  eye  of  a  lantern.  When  Arte- 
mus  went  behind,  the  moon  would  become  nervous  and  flickering,  dancing 
up  and  down  in  the  most  inartistic  and  undecided  manner.  The  result 
was  that,  coupled  with  the  lecturer's  oddly-expressed  apology,  the  "  moon" 
became  one  of  the  best  laughed-at  parts  of  the  entertainment. 

*  "TAe  Endowment  House." — To  the  young  ladies  of  Utah  this  edifice 
possesses  extreme  interest.  The  Mormon  ceremony  of  marriage  is  said  to 
be  of  the  most  extraordinary  character ;  various  symbolical  scenes  being 
enacted,  and  the  bride  and  bridegroom  invested  with  sacred  garments  which 
they  are  never  to  part  with.  In  all  Salt  I^ake  I  could  not  find  a  person 
who  would  describe  to  me  the  ceremonies  of  the  Endowment  House,  noi 
eould  Artemus  or  myself  obtain  admission  within  its  mystic  wall?. 


384  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

full  of  fossils signal  the  entrance  to  the  Canyon.     At  its 

base  lies  Weber  Station. 

Echo  Canyon  is  about  twenty-five  miles  long.  It  is  really 
the  sublimest  thing  between  the  Missouri  and  the  Sierra  Ne- 
vada.    The  red  wall  to  the  left  develops  further  up  the  Canyon 

into  pyramids — buttresses — and  castles honeycombed  and 

fretted  in  nature's  own  massive  magnificence  of  architecture. 

In  1856 — Echo  Canyon  was  the  place  selected  by  Brigham 
Young  for  the  Mormon  General  Wells  to  fortify  and  make  im- 
pregnable against  the  advance  of  the  American  army — led  by 
General  Albert  Sidney   Johnson.     It  was  to  have  been  the 

Thermopylae  of  Mormondom but  it   wasn  't.      General 

Wells  was  to  have  done  Leonidas but  he  didn't. 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

A  more  cheerful  vieT»-  of  the  Desert. 

The  wild  snowstorms  have  left  us — and  we  have  thrown 
our  wolf-skin  overcoats  aside.  Certain  tribes  of  far-western 
Indians  bury  their  distinguished  dead  by  placing  them  high 

in  air  and  covering  them  with  valuable  furs that  is  a  very 

fair  representation  of  these  mid-air  tombs.     Those  animals  are 

horses 1  know  they  are — because  my  artist  says  so.     I  had 

the  picture  two  years  before  I  discovered  the  fact. The 

artist  came  to  me  about  six  months  ago — and  said "  It  is 

useless  to   disguise  it    from   you    any    longer they  are 

horses."* 

It  was  while  crossing  this  desert  that  I  was  surrounded  by 

a  band  of  Ute  Indians.     They  were  splendidly  mounted 

they  were  dressed  in  beaver-skins and  they  were  armed 

with  rifles — knives — and  pistols. 

What  could  I  do  1 What  could  a  poor  old  orphan  do ' 

*  "  They  are  horses." — Here  again  Artemus  called  in  the  aid  of  pleasant 
banter  as  the  most  fitting  apology  for  the  atrocious  badness  of  the  painting. 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  385 

I  'ra  a  brave  man. The  day  before  the  Battle  of  Bull's  Run 

I  stood  in  the  highway  while  the  bullets those  dreadful 

messengers  of   death w ere    passing    all   around 

me  thickl y 1  N    WAGGON S on  their  way  to  the 

battlefield.*    But  there  were  too  many  of  these  Injuns 

there  were  forty  of  them — and  only  one  of  me and  so  I 

said — 

"  Great  Chief — I  surrender."     His  name  was  Wocky-bocky. 

He  dismounted — and  approached  me.  I  saw  his  tomahawk 
glisten  in  the  morning  sunlight.    Fire  was  in  hia  eye.    Wocky- 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

bocky  came  very  close  to  me  and  seized  me  by  the  hair  of  my 
head.  He  mingled  his  swarthy  fingers  with  my  golden  tresses 
^and  he  rubbed  his  dreadful  Thomashawk  across  my  lily- 
white  face.     He  said — 

"  Torsha  arrah  darrah  mishky  bookshean  ! " 

I  told  him  he  was  right. 

Wocky-bocky  again  rubbed  his  tomahawk  across  my  face, 
and  said — "  Wink-ho — loo-boo  !  " 

Says  I  —  "Mr  Wocky-bocky  "  —  says  I "  Wocky  —  I 

have  thought  so  for  years — and  so's  all  our 
family." 

He  told  me  I  must  go  to  the  tent  of  the  Strong-Heart — and 
eat  raw  dog.t    It  don't  agree  with  me.     I  prefer  simple  food. 

*  "Their  way  to  the  battlefield.'^ — This  was  the  great  joke  of  Artemus 
Ward's  first  lecture,  **  The  Babes  in  the  Wood."  He  never  omitted  it  in 
any  of  his  lectures,  nor  did  it  lose  its  power  to  create  laughter  by  re- 
petition. The  audiences  at  the  Egyptian  Hall,  London,  laughed  as  im- 
moderately at  it  as  did  those  of  Irving  Hall,  New  York,  or  of  the  Tremont 
Temple  in  Boston. 

+  "  Haw  dog." — While  sojourning  for  a  day  in  a  camp  of  Sioux  Indians, 
we  were  informed  that  the  warriors  of  the  tribe  were  accustomed  to  eat 
raw  dog  to  give  them  courage  previous  to  j^oing  to  batt]'^     Artemus  was 

2b 


386  ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE. 

I  prefer  pork-pie  —  because  then  I  know  what 
I'm  eating.  But  as  raw  dog  was  all  they  proposed  to  give 
to  me — I  had  to  eat  it  or  starve.  So  at  the  expiration  of  two 
days  I  seized  a  tin  plate  and  went  to  the  chiefs  daughter — 

and  I   said  to  her  in  a  silvery   voice in   a  kind   of 

G  e  r  m  a  n-s  ilvery  voic  e 1  said — 

*'  Sweet  child  of  the  forest,  the  pale-face  wants  his  dog." 
There  was  nothing  but  his  paws  !     Ihad  paused   too 
long!     Which  reminds  me  that  time  passes.     A  way  which 
time   has. 

I  was  told  in  my  youth  to  seize  opportunity.  I  once  tried 
to  seize  one.  He  was  rich.  He  had  diamonds  on.  As  I 
seized  him — he  knocked  me  down.  Since  then  I  have  learned 
that  he  who  seizes  opportunity  sees  the  penitentiary. 

{Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  Eocky  Mountains. 

I  take  it  for  granted  you  have  heard  of  these  popular  moun- 
tains. In  America  they  are  regarded  as  a  great 
success,  and  we  all  love  dearly  to  talk  about  them.  It  is  a 
kind  of  weakness  with  us.  I  never  knew  but  one  American 
who  hadn't  something — sometime — to  say  about  the  Rocky 

Mountains and  he  was  a  deaf  and  dumb  man,  who  couldn't 

say  anything  about  nothing. 

But  these  mountains — whose  summits  are  snow-covered  and 
icy  all  the  year  round — are  too  grand  to  make  fun  of.  J 
crossed  them  in  the  winter  of  '64 — in  a  rough  sleigh  drawn  by 
four  mules. 

This  sparkling  waterfall  is  the  Laughing- Water  alluded  to 

greatly  amused  with  the  information.  When,  in  after  years,  he  became 
weak  and  languid,  and  was  called  upon  to  go  to  lecture,  it  was  a  favourite 
^e  with  him  to  inquire,  "  Kingston,  have  you  got  any  raw  dog  1 " 


ARTEMUS  WARD'S  LECTURE.  387 

by   Mr  Longfellow  in   his   Indian   poem — "  Higher- Water." 
The  water  is  higher  up  there^ 


(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

The  plains  of  Colorado. 

These  are  the  dreary  plains  over  which  we  rode  for  so  many 
weary  days.  An  affecting  incident  occurred  on  these  plains 
some  time  since,  which  I  am  sure  you  will  pardon  me  for 
introducing  here. 

On  a  beautiful  June  morning — some  sixteen  years  ago 

{Music f  very  loud  till  the  scene  is  off.)  ! 

«  *  *  •  • 

•  •  *  *  • 

•  *  «  «  • 

1 and  she  fainted  on  Eeginald's  breast  !* 


The  Prairie  on  Fire. 

(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

A  prairie  on  fire  is  one  of  the  wildest  and  grandest  sights 
that  can  possibly  be  imagined. 

*  "  On  Reginald's  breast." — At  thiB  part  of  the  lecture  Artemus  pre- 
tended to  tell  a  Btory — the  piano  playing  loudly  all  the  time.  He  con- 
tinued his  narration  in  excited  dumb-show — his  lips  moving  as  though  he 
were  speaking.  For  some  minutes  the  audience  indulged  in  unrestrained 
laughter. 


388  ARTEMUS  WARD 'S  LECTURE, 

These  fires  occur — of  course — in  the  summer — when  the 

grass  is  dry  as  tinder and  the  flames  rush  and  roar  over 

the  prairie  in  a  manner  frightful  to  behold.  They  usually 
burn  better  than  mine  is  burning  to-night.  I  try  to  make 
my  prairie  burn  regularl y — a nd  not  dis- 
appoint     the     public ^but      it     is     not    as 

high-principled    as    I    am.* 

(Pointing  to  Panorama.) 

Brigham  Young  at  home. 

The  last  picture  I  have  to  show  you  represents  Mr  Brigham 
Young  in  the  bosom  of  his  family.  His  family  is  large — and 
the  olive  branches  around  his  table  are  in  a  very  tangled 
condition.     He   is   more   a   father  than   any  man 

I  know.      When  at  home as  you  here  see  him h  e 

ought  to  be  very  happy  with  sixty  wives 
to  minister  to  his  comforts  —  and  twice 
sixty    children     to    soothe    his     distracted 

mind.     Ah!  my  friends ^what  is  home   without  a  family? 

What  will  become   of  Mormonism?     We   all   know  and 

admit  it  to  be  a  hideous  wrong a  great  immoral  stain  upon 

the  'scutcheon  of  the  United  States.  My  belief  is  that  its 
existence  is  dependent  upon  the  life  of  Brigham  Young.     His 

administrative  ability  holds  the  system  together his  power 

of  will  maintain  it  as  the  faith  of  a  community.  When  he 
dies — Mormonism  will  die  too.  The  men  who  are  around 
him  have  neither  his  talent  nor  his  energy.  By  means  of  his 
strength  it  is  held  together.  When  he  falls — Mormonism  will 
also  fall  to  pieces. 

*  "  As  high-principled  as  lam." — The  scene  was  a  transparent  one — the 
light  from  behind  so  managed  as  to  give  the  effect  of  the  prairie  on  fire. 
Artemus  enjoyed  the  joke  of  letting  the  fire  go  out  occasionally,  and  theq 
allowing  it  to  relight  itself. 


THE  TIMES''  NOTICE.  389 

That  lion — you  perceive — has  a  tail*  It  is  a  long  one 
already.     Like  mine — it  is  to  be  continued  in  our  next.t 

*  "  That  lion  has  a  tail." — The  lion  on  a  pedestal,  as  painted  in  the 
panorama — its  tail  outstretched  like  that  of  the  leonine  adornment  to 
Northumberland  House,  was  a  pure  piece  of  frolic  on  the  part  of  the 
entertainer.  Brigham  Young  certainly  adopts  the  lion  as  a  Mormon 
emblem.  A  beehive  and  a  lion,  suggestive  of  industry  and  strength,  are 
the  symbols  of  the  Mormons  in  Salt  Lake  City, 

t  "  Tobe  continued  in  our  next." — To  revisit  Utah,  and  to  do  another 
and  a  better  lecture  about  it,  was  a  favourite  idea  of  Artemus  Ward. 
Another  fancy  that  he  had  was  to  visit  the  stranger  countries  of  the 
Eastern  world  and  find  in  some  of  them  mattei  for  a  humorous  lecture. 
While  ill  in  Utah,  he  read  Mr  Layard's  book  on  Nineveh,  left  behind  at 
the  hotel  by  a  traveller  passing  through  Salt  Lake.  Mr  Layard's  reference 
to  the  Yezedi,  or  "  Devil-worshippers,"  took  powerful  hold  on  the  imagina- 
tion of  the  reader.  During  our  trip  home  across  the  plains  he  would 
often,  sometimes  in  jest  and  sometimes  in  earnest,  chat  about  a  trip  to 
Asia  to  see  the  "  Devil -worshippers."  Naturally  his  inclinations  were 
nomadic,  and  had  a  longer  life  been  granted  to  him  I  believe  that  he 
would  have  seen  more  of  the  surface  of  this  globe  than  even  the  generality 
of  his  countrymen  see,  much  as  they  are  accustomed  to  travel.  Within 
about  the  same  distance  from  Portland  in  England  that  his  own  birth- 
place is  from  Portland  in  Maine,  his  travels  came  to  an  end.  He  died  at 
Southampton.  His  great  wish  was  for  strength  to  return  to  his  home, 
that  he  might  die  with  the  face  of  his  own  mother  bending  over  him,  and 
In  the  cottage  where  he  was  bom. 

"C(ELUMQUB 

ADSflClT  £X  MOBIENS  DULCES  BEMINISCirUB  AbGOS.'* 

E.  P.  H. 


APPENDIX. 

«*THE   times"    notice. 


"Egyptian  Hall. — Before  a  large  audience,  comprising  an 
extraordinary  number  of  literary  celebrities,   Mr  Artemus 


390  "  THE  TIMES'"  NOTICE. 

Ward,  the  noted  American  humorist,  made  his  first  appear- 
ance as  a  public  lecturer  on  Tuesday  evening,  the  place  se- 
lected for  the  display  of  his  quaint  oratory  being  the  room 
long  tenanted  by  Mr  Arthur  Sketchley.  His  first  entrance 
on  the  platform  was  the  signal  for  loud  and  continuous  laughter 
and  applause,  denoting  a  degree  of  expectation  which  a  nervous 
man  might  have  feared  to  encounter.  However,  his  first  sen- 
tences, and  the  way  in  which  they  were  received,  amply  sufiiced 
to  prove  that  his  success  was  certain.  The  dialect  of  Artemus 
bears  a  less  evident  mark  of  the  Western  World  than  that  of 
many  American  actors,  who  would  fain  merge  their  own  pecu- 
liarities in  the  delineation  of  English  character  ;  but  his  jokes 
are  of  that  true  Transatlantic  type,  to  which  no  nation  beyond 
the  limits  of  the  States  can  ofier  any  parallel.  These  jokes  he 
lets  fall  with  an  air  of  profound  unconsciousness — we  may 
almost  say  melancholy — which  is  irresistibly  droll,  aided  as  it 
is  by  the  eff'ect  of  a  figure  singularly  gaunt  and  lean  and  a  face 
to  match.  And  he  has  found  an  audience  by  whom  his  caustic 
humour  is  thoroughly  appreciated.  Not  one  of  the  odd  plea- 
santries slipped  out  with  such  imperturbable  gravity  misses  its 
mark,  and  scarcely  a  minute  elapses  at  the  end  of  which  the 
sedate  Artemus  is  not  forced  to  pause  till  the  roar  of  mirth 
has  subsided.  There  is  certainly  this  foundation  for  an  entente 
cordiale  between  the  two  countries  calling  themselves  Anglo- 
Saxon,  that  the  Englishman,  puzzled  by  Yankee  politics, 
thoroughly  relishes  Yankee  jokes,  though  they  are  not  in  the 
least  like  his  own.  When  two  persons  laugh  together,  they 
cannot  hate  each  other  much  so  long  as  the  laugh  continues. 

"  The  subject  of  Artemus  Ward's  lecture  is  a  visit  to  the  Mor- 
mons, copiously  illustrated  by  a  series  of  moving  pictures,  not 
much  to  be  commended  as  works  of  art,  but  for  the  most  part 
well  enough  executed  to  give  (fidelity  granted)  a  notion  of  life 
as  it  is  among  the  remarkable  inhabitants  of  Utah.  Nor  let 
the  connoisseur,  who  detects  the  shortcomings  of  some  of  these 
pictures,  fancy  that  he  has  discovered  a  flaw  in  the  armour  of 


«  THE  TIMES'*  NOTICE.  391 

the  doughty  Aitemus.  That  astute  gentleman  knovv^s  their 
worth  as  well  as  anybody  else,  and  while  he  ostensibly  extols 
them,  as  a  showman  is  bound  to  do,  he  every  now  and  then 
holds  them  up  to  ridicule  in  a  vein  of  the  deepest  irony.  In 
one  case  a  palpable  error  of  perspective,  by  which  a  man  is 
made  equal  in  size  to  a  mountain,  has  been  purposely  com- 
mitted, and  the  shouts  oi  laughter  that  arise  as  soon  as  the 
ridiculous  picture  appears  is  tremendous.  But  there  is  no 
mirth  in  the  face  of  Artemus ;  he  seems  even  deaf  to  the  roar ; 
and  when  he  proceeds  to  the  explanation  of  the  landscape,  he 
touches  on  the  ridiculous  point  in  a  slurring  way  that  provokes 
a  new  explosion. 

*'  The  particulars  of  the  lecture  we  need  not  describe.  Many 
accounts  of  the  Mormons,  more  or  less  credible,  and  all  au- 
thenticated, have  been  given  by  serious  historians,  and  Mr 
W.  H.  Dixon,  who  has  just  returned  from  Utah  to  London,  is 
said  to  have  brought  with  him  new  stores  of  solid  information. 
But  to  most  of  us  Mormonism  is  still  a  mystery,  and  under 
those  circumstances  a  lecturer  who  has  professedly  visited  a 
country  for  the  sake  more  of  picking  up  fun  than  of  sifting 
facts,  and  whose  chief  object  it  must  be  to  make  his  narrative 
amusing,  can  scarcely  be  accepted  as  an  authority.  We  will, 
therefore,  content  ourselves  with  stating  that  the  lecture  is 
entertaining  to  such  a  degree  that  to  those  who  seek  amuse- 
ment its  brevity  is  its  only  fault ;  that  it  is  utterly  free  from 
offence,  though  the  opportunities  for  offence  given  by  the 
subject  of  Mormonism  are  obviously  numerous  ;  and  that  it  is 
interspersed,  not  only  with  irresistible  jokes,  but  with  shrewd 
remarks,  proving  that  Artemus  Ward  is  a  man  of  reflection,  as 
w<;U  as  a  consummate  humorist." 


393 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME, 


PICCADILLY. 


Every  Night  {except  Saturday)  at  8, 

SATURDAY    MORNINGS    AT    3. 


AMONG  THE  MORMONS. 


Dnriug  the  Vacation  the  Hall  has  been  carefully  Swept  out,  and  a 
new  Door-Enob  has  been  added  to  the  Door. 


Mb  Aetemus  Waed  vAll  call  on  the  Citizens  of  London,  at  their  residenceSf 
and  explain  any  jokes  in  his  narrative  which  they  may  not  understand. 


k  person  of  long-established  integrity  will  take  excellent  care  of  Bonnets, 
Cloaks,  &c.,  during  the  Entertainment ;  the  Audience  better  leave  their 
money,  however,  with  Mr  Ward  ;  he  will  return  it  to  them  in  a  day  on 
two,  or  invest  it  for  them  in  America,  as  they  may  think  bes^ 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME,  393 

y  Nobody  must  say  that  he  likes  the  Lecture  unless  he  wishes  to  bo 
thought  eccentric ;  and  nobody  must  say  that  he  doesn't  like  it  unless 
he  really  is  eccentric.  (This  requires  thinking  over,  but  it  will  amply 
repay  perusal) 


The  Panorama  used  to  Illustrate  Mr  WARD'S  Narrative  is 
rather  worse  than  Panoramas  usually  are. 


Mr  Ward  will  not  be  responsible  for  any  debts  of  his  own  contracting. 


2>m<0)<smAMMK 


L 
APPEARANCE  OF  ARTEMUS  WARD. 

Who  will  be  greeted  with  applause,  i^*  The  Stall-keeper  is  particularly 
requested  to  attend  to  this.  .^J  When  quiet  has  been  restored,  the 
Lecturer  will  present  a  rather  frisky  prologue,  of  about  ten  minutes  in 
length,  and  of  nearly  the  same  width.  It  perhaps  isn't  necessary  to  speak 
of  the  depth. 

n. 

THE  PICTURES  COMMENCE  HERE,  the  first  one  being  a  view 
of  the  California  Steamship.  Large  crowd  of  citizens  on  the  wharf,  who 
appear  to  be  entirely  willing  that  Artemds  Ward  shall  go.  "  Bless  you. 
Sir  ! "  they  say.  "  Don't  hurry  about  coming  back.  Stay  away  for  years, 
if  you  want  to  !  "  It  was  very  touching.  Disgraceful  treatment  of  the 
passengers,  who  are  obliged  to  go  forward  to  smoke  pipes,  while  the 
steamer  herself  is  allowed  2  Smoke  Pipes  amidships.  At  Pananxa.  4 
glance  at  Mexico, 


394  ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME. 

III. 

The  Land  of  Gold. 

Montgomery  Street,  San  Francisco.  The  Gold  Bricks.  Street  Scenes. 
"The  Orphan  Cabman,  or  The  Mule  Driver's  Step-Father."  The  Chinese 
Theatre.     Sixteen  square  yards  of  a  Chinese  Comic  Song. 

IV. 

The  Land  of  Silver. 

Virginia  City,  the  wild  young  metropolis  of  the  new  Silver  State.  For- 
tunes are  made  there  in  a  day.  There  are  instances  on  record  of  young 
men  going  to  this  place  without  a  shilling — poor  and  friendless — yet  by 
energy,  intelligence,  and  a  careful  disregard  to  business,  they  have  been 
enabled  to  leave  there,  owing  hundreds  of  pounds. 

V. 

The  Great  Desert  at  Night. 

A  dreary  waste  of  sand.  The  sand  isn't  worth  saving,  however.  Indiana 
occupy  yonder  mountains.  Little  Injuns  seen  in  the  distance  trundling 
their  war-whoops. 

VI. 

A  Bird's-eye  Vie^w  of  Great  Salt 
Lake  City. 

With  some  entirely  descriptive  talk. 
VII. 

Main  Street,  East  Side. 

The  Salt  Lake  Hotel,  which  is  conducted  on  Temperance  principles. 
The  landlord  sells  nothing  stronger  than  salt  butter. 

VIIL 

The  Mormon  Theatre. 

The  Lady  of  Lyons  was  produced  here  a  short  time  since,  but  failed  to 
satisfy  a  Mormon  audience,  on  account  of  there  being  only  one  Pauline  in 
it.  The  play  was  revised  at  once.  It  was  presented  the  next  night,  with 
fifteen  Paulines  in  the  cast,  and  was  a  perfect  success,  l^"  All  these 
statements  may  be  regarded  as  strictly  true.  Mr  Ward  would  not  deceive 
an  mfant. 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME,  395 

IX. 

Main  Street,  West  Side. 

This  being  a  view  of  Main  Street,  West  Side,  it  is  naturally  a  view  of 
tiie  West  Side  of  Main  Street. 

X. 

Brigham  Young's  Harem. 

Mr  Young  is  an  indulgent  father,  and  a  numerous  husband.  For  further 
particulars  call  on  Mr  Ward,  at  Egyptian  Hall,  any  Evening  this  Week. 
This  paragraph  is  intended  to  blend  business  with  amusement. 

XL 

Heber  C.  Kimball's  Harem. 

We  have  only  to  repeat  here  the  pleasant  remarks  above  in  regard  to 
Brigham. 


INTEKMISSION  OF  FIVE  MINUTES. 


XII. 

The  Tabernacle. 

XTTT. 

The  Temple  as  it  is. 

XIV. 

The  Temple  as  it  is  to  be. 

XV. 

The  Great  Salt  Lake. 


396  ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME, 

XVL 

The  Endowment  House. 

The  Mormon  is  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  his  faith  here.  The 
Mormon's  religion  is  singular,  and  hia  wives  are  plural. 

XYIL 

Echo  Canyon. 

xvm. 
The  Desert,  again. 

A  more  cheerful  view.  The  Plains  of  Colorado.  The  Colorado  Moun« 
tains  "  might  have  been  seen"  in  the  distance,  if  the  Artist  had  painted 
'em.  But  he  is  prejudiced  against  mountains,  because  his  uncle  once  got 
lost  on  one. 

XIX 

Brigham  Young  and  his  wives.  The  pretty  girls  of  Utah  mostly  mari^ 
Young. 

XX 

The  Rocky  Mountains. 

XXL 

The  Plains  of  Nebraska. 

XXII. 

The  Prairie  on  Fire. 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME,  397 

EECOMMENDATIONS. 


TOTNESS,  Oct.  20th,  1866. 
Mr  ARTEMUS  WARD, 

My  dear  Sir, — My  wife  was  dangerously  unwell  for  over  sixteen 
years.  She  was  so  weak  that  she  could  not  lift  a  teaspoon  to  her  mouth. 
But  in  a  fortunate  moment  she  commenced  reading  one  of  your  lectures. 
She  got  better  at  once.  She  gained  strength  so  rapidly  that  she  lifted  the 
eottage  piano  qmte  a  distance  from  the  floor,  and  then  tipped  it  over  on  to 
her  mother-in-law,  with  whom  she  had  had  some  little  trouble.  We  like 
your  lectures  very  much.  Please  send  me  a  barrel  of  them.  If  you 
should  require  any  more  recommendations  you  can  get  any  number  of  them 
in  this  place,  at  two  shillings  each,  the  price  I  charge  for  this  one,  and  I 
trust  you  may  be  ever  happy. 

I  am,  Sir, 
Yours  truly,  and  so  is  my  wife, 

R.  SPRINGERS. 


An  American  correspondent  of  a  distinguished  journal  in  Yorkshire  thua 
speaks  of  Mr  Ward's  power  as  an  Orator : — 

"  It  was  a  grand  scene,  Mr  Abtemus  Wabd  standing  on  the  platform, 
talking  ;  many  of  the  audience  sleeping  tranquilly  in  their  seats  ;  others 
leaving  the  room  and  not  returning  ;  others  crying  like  a  child  at  some  of 
the  jokes — all,  all  formed  a  most  impressive  scene,  and  showed  the  powers 
of  this  remarkable  orator.  And  when  he  announced  that  he  should  never 
lecture  in  that  town  again,  the  applause  was  absolutely  deafening." 


Doors  open  at  Half-past  Seven,  commence  at  Eight, 

Conclude  at  Half-past  Nine. 

EVERY  EVENING  EXCEPT  SATURDAY. 

SATURDAY  AFTERNOONS  AT  3  p.m. 


398  ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME, 

ARTEMUS     WARD, 
j^fe  Programme. 

Dodworth  Hall,  806  Broad^vay. 

OPEN    EVERY   EVENING. 


1. — Introductory. 

2. — The  steamer  Arid  en  route. 

3. — San  Francisco. 

4. — The  Washoe  Silver  Region. 

5.— The  Plains. 

6.— The  City  of  Saints. 

7. — A  Mormon  Hotel. 

8.—  Brigham  Young's  Theatre. 

9. — The  Council-House. 
10. — The  Home  of  Brigham  Young. 
11. — Heber  C.  Kimball's  Seraglio. 
12. — The  Mormon  House  of  Worship. 
13. — Foundations  of  the  New  Temple. 
14. — Architect's  View  of  the  Temple  when  finished. 
15. — The  Great  Dead  Sea  of  the  Desert 
16.--The  House  of  Mystery. 
17.— The  Canon. 
18. — Mid-Air  Sepulture. 
19. — A  Nice  Family  Party  at  Brigham  Young'a 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME,  399 

It  requires  a  large  number  of  Artists  to  produce  this  Entertainment. 
The  casual  observer  can  form  no  idea  of  the  quantity  of  unfettered  geniua 
that  is  soaring,  like  a  healthy  Eagle,  round  this  Hall  in  connection  with 
this  Entertainment.     In  fact,  the  following  gifted  persons  compose  the 


#ffirial  gunau* 


Secretary  of  the  Exterior  ,  ,  ,  Mr  E.  P,  Hingston. 

Secretary  of  the  Treasury  .  .  Herr  Max  Field, 

(Pnpil  of  Signor  Thomaso  Jacksoni.) 
Mechanical  Director  and  Professor  of  Carpentry  Signor  G.  Wilsoni, 

Crankist    .......  Mons.  Aleck. 


Assistant  Crankist 

Artists 

Reserved  Chairists 

Moppist    . 

Broomist  . 

Hired  Man 

Fighting  Editor    . 

Dutchman 

Doortendiat 

Qas  Man  . 


Boy  (orphan). 

Messrs  Hilliard  &  Maeder. 

,  ,  Messrs  Perseo  &  Jerome. 

,  ,  ,        Signorina  0' Flaherty* 

Mile.  Topsia  de  St  Moke. 

.  .  .  .  .  John. 

Chevalier  McArone. 

By  a  Polish  Refugee,  named  McFinnigin. 

,  .  .       Mons.  Jacques  Ridere. 

.  .     Artemus  Ward. 


This  Entertainment  will  open  with  music.     The  Soldiers'  Chorus  from 
**  Faust."     ^"  First  time  in  this  city.  ..gj 


Next  comes  a  jocund  and  discursive  preamble,  calculated  to  show  what 
a  good  education  the  Lecturer  has. 

•  • 
View  the  first  is  a  sea-view. — Ariel  navigation. -^Normal  school  of  whales 
in   the  distance. — Isthmus  of  Panama. — Interesting  interview  with  Old 
Panama  himself,  who  makes  all  the  hats.     Old  Pan,  is  a  likely  sort  of 
man. 

San  Francisco. — City  with  a  vigilant  government. — Miners  allowed  to 
▼ote.  Old  inhabitants  so  rich  that  they  have  legs  with  golden  calves  to 
them. 


400  ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME, 


Town  in  the  Silver  region. — Good  quarters  to  be  found  'there. — Playful 
population,  fond  of  high-low-jack  and  homicide. — Silver  lying  around  loose. 
— Thefts  of  it  termed  silver-guilt. 


The  Plains  in  "Winter. — A  wild  Moor,  like  Othello. — Mountains  in  the 
distance  forty  thousand  miles  above  the  level  of  the  highest  sea  (Musiani's 
chest  C  included). — If  you  don't  believe  this  you  can  go  there  and  measure 
them  for  yourself. 


Mormondom,  sometimes  called  the  City  of  the  Plain,  but  wrongly  ;  the 
women  are  quite  pretty. — View  of  Old  Poly  Gamy's  house,  &c. 


The  Salt  Lake  Hotel. — Stage  just  come  in  from  its  overland  route  and 
retreat  from  the  Indians. — Temperance  house. — No  bar  nearer  than  Salt 
Lake  sand-bars. — Miners  in  shirts  like  Artemus  Ward  his  Programme — 
they  are  read  and  will  wash. 


Mormon  Theatre,  where  Artemus  Ward  lectured. — Mormons  like 
theatricals,  and  had  rather  go  to  the  Play-house  than  to  the  Work- 
house, any  time. — Private  boxes  reserved  for  the  ears  of  Brother  Brigham'a 
wive3. 


3Fntermt0st0n  of  Jibe  iHtnttteg. 


Territorial  State-House. — Seat  of  the  Legislature.  —About  as  fair  a  ool' 
lection  as  that  at  Albany — and  we  "  can't  say  no  fairer  than  that." 


Residence  of  Brigham  Young  and  his  wives. — Two  hundred  souls  with 
but  a  single  thought.  Two  hundred  hearts  that  beat  as  one. 


ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME.  401 


Seraglio  of  Heber  C.  Kimball. — Home  of  the  Queens  of  Heber. — No  re- 
atives  of  the  Queen  of  Sheba. — They  are  a  nice  gang  of  darlings. 


«  • 
Mormon  Tabernacle,  where  the  men  espouse  Mormonism  and  the  women 
espouse  Brother  Briglum  and  his  Elders  as  spiritual  Physicians,  convicted 
of  bad  doct'rin. 


Foundations  of  the  Temple. — Beginning  of  a  healthy  little  job. — Tempi* 
to  enclose  all  out-doors,  and  be  paved  with  gold  at  a  premium. 


The  Temple  when  finished. — Mormon  idea  of  a  meeting-house. — N.B. 
It  will  be  bigger,  probably,  than  Dod worth  Hall. — One  of  the  figures  in 
the  foreground  is  intended  for  Heber  C.  Kimball. — You  can  see,  by  the 
expression  of  his  back,  that  ho  is  thinking  what  a  great  man  Joseph 
Smith  was. 


The  Great  Salt  Lake. — "Water  actually  thick  with  salt — too  saline  to  sail 
in. — Mariners  rocked  on  the  bosom  of  this  deep  with  rock  salt. — The  water 
isn't  very  good  to  drink. 


House  where  Mormons  are  initiated, — Very  secret  and  mysterious  cere- 
monies.— Anybody  can  easily  find  out  all  about  them  though,  by  going  out 
there  and  becoming  a  Mormon. 

» "♦ 
Echo  Canon. — A  rough  bluff  sort  of  affair.— Great  Echo. — When  Arte- 
mus  Ward  went  through,  he  heard  the  echoes  of  some  things  the  Indiana 
said  there  about  four  years  and  a  half  ago. 


•  • 
The  Plains  again,  with  some  noble  savages,  both  in  the  live  and  deai} 
itate. — The  dead  one  on  the  high  shelf  was  killed  in  a  Fratricidal  Struggle. 
— They  are  always  having  Fratricidal  Struggles  out  in  that  line  of  country. 
—It  would  be  a  good  place  for  an  enterprising  Coroner  to  locate. 

2  r; 


402  ORIGINAL  PROGRAMME. 

«  • 
Brigham  Young  surrounded  by  his  wives.— These  ladies  are  simply  toe 
numerous  to  mention. 


f^  Those  of  the  audience  who  do  not  feel  offended  with  Artemus 
Ward  are  cordially  invited  to  call  upon  him,  often,  at  his  fine  new  house  in 
Brooklyn.  His  house  is  on  the  right  hand  side  as  you  cross  the  Ferry, 
and  may  easily  be  distinguished  from  the  other  houses  by  its  having  a 
Cupola  and  a  Mortgage  on  it. 


1^"  Soldiers  on  the  battle-field  will  be  admitted  to  this  Entertainment 
gratis. 


1^"  The  Indians  on  the  Overland  Route  live  on  Routes  and  Herbs. 
They  are  an  intemperate  people.  They  drink  with  impunity,  or  anybody 
who  invites  them. 


1^"  Artemus  "Ward  delivered  Lectures  before 

ALL  THE  CROWNED  HEADS  OF  EUROPE 

ever  thought  of  delivering  lectures. 

TICKETS  50  cents.      RESERVED  CHAIRS  1  doL 
Doors  open  at  7.30  p.m.  ;   Entertainment  to  commence  at  8. 


1^"  The  Piano  used  is  from  the  celebrated  factory  of  Messrs  Chickeb- 
IHG  &  Sons,  653  Broadway. 

The  Cabinet  Organ  is  from  the  famous  factory  of  Messrs  Mason  & 
Hamlin,  Boston,  and  is  furnished  by  Mason  Brothers,  7  Mercer  Street, 
New  York, 


A  UTOGRAPH  OF  ARTEMUS  WARD,  403 


ARTEMUS   WARD   IN   LONDON, 

AND  OTHER  HUMOROUS  PAPERS. 


THE   LATE 

ARTEMUS  WARD. 


A  few  copies  of  a  Bust  of  this  inimitable  humorist 
having  been  prepared  by  Geflowski,  the  sculptor,  for 
some  personal  friends,  Mr  HOTTEN  is  permitted  to 
take  a  select  number  of  Subscribers'  names  for  single 
copies. 

The  Price  to  Subscribers  is  lis.  ;  or  with  Glass 
Shade  and  Standi  2^s.  Sent  carruige  free  on  receipt  of 
Post- Office  Order. 

The  Bust  is  about  Twelve  Inches  high. 


74  &  75  PICCADILLY,  LONDON. 


INTRODUCTORY. 


"  A  RTEMUS  WARD  IN  LONDON"  is  chiefly  formed  of  a 
lA.  series  of  eight  papers  written  for  Punch  by  Mr  Charles 
F.  Browne  (Artemus  Ward)  m  the  summer  and  autumn  of 
1866.  Shortly  after  he  arrived  in  this  country  Artemus  Ward 
was  engaged  by  Mr  Mark  Lemon  to  contribute  to  the  leading 
comic  journal  of  the  metropolis.  The  articles  were  written 
when  health  was  failing  the  writer,  and  when  sad  thoughts 
mingled  with  his  most  humorous  fancies.  The  last  two  or 
three  papers  of  the  series  were  the  result  of  considerable  effort ; 
they  were  penned  at  a  time  when  labour  was  irksome,  and 
even  to  think  was  troublesome  to  the  thinker.  Hence  they 
lack  in  that  rollicking  humour  which  characterised  the  writer's 
earlier  eff'orts,  but  are  rich  in  shrewd  remark  and  genial  sar- 
casm. The  paper  entitled  "  A  Visit  to  the  British  Museum  " 
is  the  last  published  paper  of  Artemus  Ward.  The  "  sunny 
spring-time  of  my  life,"  to  which  he  refers  in  the  concluding 
paragraph,  had  passed  away  from  him  for  ever,  and  the  winter 
of  the  grave  was  opening  to  his  view.  To  write  for  Punch  had 
been  his  ambition  many  years  before  he  came  to  London. 
That  ambition  was  realised  ;  but  with  its  realisation  came  the 
accomplishment  of  his  career — 

**  But  the  fair  guerdon  when  we  hope  to  find. 
And  think  to  buret  out  into  sudden  blaze, 
Comes  the  blind  fury  with  the  abhorred  shears^ 
And  slits  the  thin-spun  life." 


4o8  INTRODUCTORY. 

The  article  entitled  "  Pyrotechny  "  first  appeared  in  a  Christ- 
mas annual  bearing  the  name  of  The,  Five,  Alls^  edited  by  Mr 
Tom  Hood,  and  published  by  Messrs  Warne  &  Co.  The 
humorous  effusion  to  which  the  title  of  "The  Negro  Ques- 
tion" is  affixed  was  contributed  to  the  Savage  Club  PajperSj 
edited  by  Mr  Halhday,  and  published  by  Messrs  Tinsley. 
Both  articles  are  here  reprinted  with  the  permission  of  the 
original  publishers. 

E.  P.  H. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  IN  LONDON. 


ARRIVAL  IN  LONDON. 

Mr  Punch,— My  Dear  Sir, — You  prob'ly  didn't  meet 
my  uncle  Wilyim  when  he  was  on  these  shores.  I  jedge 
so  from  the  fack  that  his  pursoots  wasn't  litrary.  Com- 
merce, which  it  has  been  trooly  observed  by  a  statesman, 
or  somebody,  is  the  foundation  stone  onto  which  a  nation's 
greatness  rests,  glorious  Commerce  was  Uncle  Wilyim's  fort. 
He  sold  soap.  It  smelt  pretty,  and  redily  commanded  two 
pents  a  cake.  I  'm  the  only  litrary  man  in  our  fam'ly.  It  is 
troo,  I  once  had  a  dear  cuzzun  who  wrote  22  versis  cmto  "  A 
Child  who  nearly  Died  of  the  Measles,  0  ! "  but  as  he  injoodi- 
ciously  introjuced  a  chorions  at  the  end  of  each  stanzy,  the 
parrents  didn't  like  it  at  all.  The  father  in  particler  wept 
afresh,  assaulted  my  cuzzun,  and  said  he  never  felt  so  ridicklus 
in  his  intire  life.  The  onhappy  result  was  that  my  cuzzun 
abandind  poetry  for  ever,  and  went  back  to  shoemakin,  a 
shattered  man. 

My  Uncle  Wilyim  disposed  of  his  soap,  and  returned  to  his 
nativ  land  with  a  very  exolted  opinyin  of  the  British  public 
**  It  is  a  edycated  community,"  said  he ;  "  they  're  a  intellec- 
tooal  peple.  In  one  small  village  .alone  1  sold  50  cakes  of 
soap,  incloodin  barronial  halls,  where  they  offered  me  a  ducal 
coronet,  but  I  said  no — give  it  to  the  poor."    This  was  th6 


416  ARRIVAL  IN  LONDON, 

way  Uncle  "VVilyim  went  on.  He  told  us,  however,  some 
stories  that  was  rather  too  much  to  be  easily  swallerd.  In 
fack,  my  Uncle  Wilyim  was  not  a  emblem  of  trooth.  He 
retired  some  years  ago  on  a  hansum  comptency  derived  from 
the  insurance-money  he  received  on  a  rather  shaky  skooner  he 
owned,  and  which  turned  up  while  lyin  at  a  wharf  one  night, 
the  cargo  havin  fortnitly  been  remooved  the  day  afore  the  dis- 
astriss  calamty  occurd.  Uncle  Wilyim  said  it  was  one  of  the 
most  sing'ler  things  he  ever  heard  of ;  and,  after  collectin  the 
insurance-money,  he  bust  into  a  flood  of  tears,  and  retired  to 
his  farm  in  Pennsylvany.  He  was  my  uncle  by  marriage  only. 
I  do  not  say  that  he  wasn't  a  honest  man.  I  simply  say  that 
if  you  have  a  uncle,  and  bitter  experunce  tells  you  it  is  more 
profitable  in  a  pecoonery  pint  of  view  to  put  pewter  spoons 
instid  of  silver  ones  onto  the  table  when  that  uncle  dines  with 
you  in  a  frenly  way — I  simply  say,  there  is  sumthun  wrong  in 
our  social  sistim,  which  calls  loudly  for  reform. 

I  'rived  on  these  shores  at  Liverpool,  and  proceeded  at  once 
to  London.  I  stopt  at  the  Washington  Hotel  in  Liverpool, 
because  it  was  named  after  a  countryman  of  mine  who  didn't 
get  his  living  by  makin  mistakes,  and  whose  mem'ry  is  dear 
to  civilised  peple  all  over  the  world,  because  he  was  gentle  and 
good  as  well  as  trooly  great.  We  read  in  Histry  of  any  num- 
ber of  great  individooals,  but  how  few  of  'em,  alars !  should 
we  want  to  take  home  to  supper  with  us  !  Among  others,  I 
would  call  your  attention  to  Alexander  the  Great,  who  con- 
kered  the  world,  and  wept  because  he  couldn't  do  it  sum  more, 
and  then  took  to  gin-and-seltzer,  gettin  tight  every  day  afore 
dinner  with  the  most  disgustin  reg'larity,  causin  his  parunts  to 
regret  they  hadn't  'prenticed  him  in  his  early  youth  to  a  biskit- 
baker,  or  some  other  occupation  of  a  peaceful  and  quiet  char- 
acter. I  say,  therefore,  to  the  great  men  now  livin  (you  could 
put  'em  all  into  Hyde  Park,  by  the  way,  and  still  leave  room 
for  a  large  and  respectable  concourse  of  rioters) — be  good.  I 
say  to  that  gifted  but  bald-heded  Prooshun,  Bismarck,  be  good 


ARRIVAL  IN  LONDON,  411 

find  gentle  in  your  hour  of  triump.  I  always  am.  I  admit 
that  our  lines  is  different — Bismarck's  and  mine  ;  but  the  same 
glor'us  principle  is  involved.  I  am  a  exhibiter  of  startlin 
curiositys,  wax  works,  snaix,  etsetry  ("  either  of  whom,"  as  a 
American  statesman  whose  name  I  ain't  at  liberty  to  mention 
for  perlitercal  resins,  as  he  expecks  to  be  a  candidate  for  a 
prom'nent  oflSss,  and  hence  doesn't  wish  to  excite  the  rage  and 
jeHsy  of  other  showmen — "  either  of  whom  is  wuth  dubble  the 
price  of  admission  ") ;  I  say  I  am  a  exhibiter  of  startlin  curi- 
ositys, and  I  also  have  my  hours  of  triump,  but  I  try  to  be 
good  in  'em.  If  you  say,  "  Ah,  yes,  but  also  your  hours  of 
grief  and  misfortin ; "  I  answer,  it  is  troo  :  and  you  prob'ly 
refer  to  the  circumstans  of  my  hirin  a  young  man  of  dissypated 
habits  to  fix  hisself  up  as  A  real  Cannibal  from  New  Zeelan, 
and  when  I  was  simply  tellin  the  audience  that  he  was  the 
most  feroshus  Cannibal  of  his  tribe,  and  that,  alone  and  un- 
assisted, he  had  et  sev'ril  of  our  fellow-countrymen,  and  that 
he  had  at  one  time  even  contemplated  eatin  his  Uncle  Thomas 
on  his  mother's  side,  as  well  as  other  near  and  dear  relatives, 
— when  I  was  makin  these  simple  statements,  the  mis'ble 
young  man  said  I  was  a  Iyer,  and  knockt  me  off  the  platform. 
Not  quite  satisfied  with  this,  he  cum  and  trod  hevily  on  me, 
and  as  he  was  a  very  musculer  person,  and  wore  remarkable 
thick  boots,  I  knew  at  once  that  a  canary  bird  wasn't  walkin 
over  me. 

I  admit  that  my  ambition  overlept  herself  in  this  instuns, 
and  I  've  been  very  careful  ever  since  to  deal  square  with  the 
public.  If  I  was  the  public  I  should  insist  on  squareness,  tho' 
I  shouldn't  do  as  a  portion  of  my  audience  did  on  the  occasion 
jest  mentioned,  which  they  was  emplyed  in  sum  naberin  coal 
mines. 

"  As  you  hain't  got  no  more  Cannybals  to  show  us,  old 
man,"  said  one  of  'em,  who  seemed  to  be  a  kind  of  leader 
among  'em — a  tall  dis'greeble  skoundril — "  as  you  seem  to  be 
out  of  Cannybals,  we  '11  sorter  look  round  here  and  fix  things. 


412  ARRIVAL  IN  LONDON. 

Them  wax  figgers  of  yours  want  wasliin.  There 's  Napoleon 
Bonyparte  and  JuUus  Caesar — they  must  hav^  a  bath,"  with 
which  coarse  and  brutal  remark  he  imitated  the  shrill  war-hoop 
of  the  western  savige,  and,  assisted  by  his  infamus  coal-heavin 
companyins,  he  threw  all  my  wax-work  into  the  river,  and  let 
my  wild  bears  loose  to  pray  on  a  peaceful  and  inoffensive 
agricultooral  community. 

Leavin  Liverpool  (I  'm  goin  back  there  tho* — I  want  to  see 
the  Docks,  which  I  heard  spoken  of  at  least  once  while  I  was 
there),  I  cum  to  London  in  a  1st  class  car,  passin  the  time  very 
agreeable  in  discussin,  with  a  countryman  of  mine,  the  cele- 
brated Schleswig-Holstein  question.  We  took  that  int'resting 
question  up  and  carefully  traced  it  from  the  time  it  commenced 
being  so  down  to  the  present  day,  when  my  countryman,  at 
the  close  of  a  four  hours'  annymated  debate,  said  he  didn't 
know  anything  about  it  himself,  and  he  wanted  to  know  if  I 
did.  I  told  him  that  T  did  not.  He's  at  Eamsgate  now,  and 
I  am  to  write  him  when  I  feel  like  givin  him  two  days  in 
which  to  discuss  the  question  of  negro  slavery  in  America. 
But  now  I  do  not  feel  like  it. 

London  at  last,  and  I  'm  stoppin  at  the  Green  Lion  tavern. 
I  like  the  lan'lord  very  much  indeed.  He  had  fallen  into  a  few 
triflin  errers  in  regard  to  America — he  was  under  the  impres- 
sion, for  instance,  that  we  et  hay  over  there,  and  had  horns 
growin  out  of  the  back  part  of  our  heads — but  his  chops  and 
beer  is  ekal  to  any  I  ever  pertook.  You  must  cum  and  see 
me,  and  bring  the  boys.  I  'm  told  that  Garrick  used  to  cum 
here ;  but  I  'm  growin  skeptycal  about  Garrick's  favorit 
taverns.  I've  had  over  500  public  -  houses  pinted  out 
to  me  where  Garrick  went.  I  was  indooced  one  night, 
by  a  seleck  comp'ny  of  Britons,  to  visit  sum  25  publiC' 
houses,  and  they  confidentially  told  me  that  Garrick  used  to 
go  to  each  one  of  'em.  Also,  Dr  Johnson.  This  won't  do, 
you  know. 

May  be  I've  rambled  a  bit  in  this  communycation.     I'll 


PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS.  413 

try  and  be  more  collected  in  my  next,  and  meanwhile  b'lieve 
me  Trooly  Yours, 

Artemus  Ward. 


11. 

PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS. 

f  ou  'LL  be  glad  to  learn  that  I  've  made  a  good  impression 
onto  the  mind  of  the  lan'lord  of  the  Green  Lion  tavern.  He 
made  a  speech  about  me  last  night.  Eisin  in  the  bar,  he  spoke 
as  foUers,  there  bein  over  20  individooals  present : — 

**  This  North  American  has  been  a  inmate  of  my  'ouse  over 
two  weeks,  yit  he  hasn't  made  no  attempt  to  scalp  any  member 
of  my  fam'ly.  He  hasn't  broke  no  cups  or  sassers,  or  furnitur 
of  any  kind.  {Hear,  hear.)  I  find  I  can  trust  him  with  lited 
candles.  He  eats  his  wittles  with  a  knife  and  fork.  Peple  of 
this  kind  should  be  encurridged.  I  purpose  'is  'elth  ! "  (Loud 
^jplaws.) 

What  could  I  do  but  modestly  get  up  and  express  a  fervint 
hope  that  the  Atlantic  Cable  would  bind  the  two  countries 
still  more  clostly  together  ?  The  lan'lord  said  my  speech  was 
full  of  orig'nality,  but  his  idee  was  the  old  stage  coach  was 
more  safer,  and  he  tho't  peple  would  indors  that  opinyin  in 
doo  time.  * 

I  'm  gettin  on  exceedin  well  in  London.  I  see  now,  how- 
ever, that  I  made  a  mistake  in  orderin  my  close  afore  I  left 
home.  The  trooth  is,  the  taler  in  our  little  villige  owed  me 
for  a  pig,  and  I  didn't  see  any  other  way  of  gettin  my  pay. 
Ten  years  ago  these  close  would  no  doubt  have  been  fash'nable, 
and  perhaps  they  would  be  ekally  sim'lar  ten  year  hens.  But 
now  they  're  differently.  The  taler  said  he  know'd  they  was 
all  right,  because  he  had  a  brother  in  Wales  who  kept  him 
informed  about  London  fashins  reg  lar.     This  was  a  infamus 


414  PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS. 

falsehood.  But  as  tlie  ballud  says  (which  I  heard  a  genTman 
in  a  new  soot  of  black  close  and  white  kid  gloves  sing  t'other 
night),  Never  don't  let  us  Despise  a  Man  because  he  wears  a 
Raggid  Coat !  I  don't  know  as  we  do,  by  the  way,  tho'  we 
gen'rally  get  out  of  his  way  pretty  rapid ;  prob'ly  on  account 
of  the  pity  which  tears  our  boosums  for  his  onhappy  con- 
dition. 

This  last  remark  is  a  sirkastic  and  witherin  thrust  at  them 
blotid  peple  who  live  in  gilded  saloons.  I  tho't  I  'd  explain 
my  meanin  to  you.  I  frekently  have  to  explain  the  mean  in 
of  my  remarks.  I  know  one  man — and  he 's  a  man  of  varid 
'complishments — who  often  reads  my  articles  over  20  times 
afore  he  can  make  anything  of  'em  at  all.  Our  skool- 
master  to  home  says  this  is  a  pecoolerarity  of  geneyus.  My 
wife  says  it  i^  a  pecoolerarity  of  infernal  nonsens.  She's  a 
exceedin  practycal  woman.  I  luv  her  muchly,  however,  and 
humer  her  little  ways.  It's  a  recklis  falshood  that  she  he- 
pecks  me ;  and  the  young  man  in  our  neighbourhood  who  said 
to  me  one  evenin,  as  I  was  mistenin  my  diafram  with  a  gentle 
cocktail  at  the  villige  tavun — who  said  to  me  in  these  very 
langwidge,  "  Go  home,  old  man,  onless  you  desires  to  have 
another  teapot  throwd  at  you  by  B.  J.,"  prob'ly  regrets  havin 
said  so. 

I  said,  "  Betsy  Jane  is  my  wife's  front  name,  gentle  yooth, 
and  I  permits  no  person  to  allood  to  her  as  B.  J.  outside  of 
the  family  circle,  of  which  I  am  it  principally  myself.  Your 
other  observation  I  scorn  and  disgust,  and  I  must  polish  you 
off." 

He  was  a  able-bodied  young  man,  and,  remoovin  his  coat, 
he  inquired  if  I  wanted  to  be  ground  to  powder.  I  said.  Yes : 
if  there  was  a  Powder-grindist  handy,  nothin  would  'ford  me 
greater  pleasure,  when  he  struck  me  a  painful  blow  into  my 
right  eye,  causin  me  to  make  a  rapid  retreat  into  the  fire-place. 
I  hadn't  no  idee  that  the  enemy  was  so  well  organised.  But 
I  rallied  and  went  for  him,  in  a  rayther  vigris  style  for  my 


PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS.  415 

time  of  life.  His  parunts  lived  near  by,  and  I  will  simply 
state  15  minits  had  only  elapst  after  the  first  act,  when  he 
was  carried  home  on  a  shutter.  His  mama  met  the  solium 
procession  at  the  door,  and  after  keerfuUy  looking  her  orfspring 
over,  she  said ; 

"  My  son,  I  see  how  it  is  distinctually.  You  Ve  been  foolin 
round  a  Thrashin  Masheen.  You  went  in  at  the  place  where 
they  put  the  grain  in,  cum  out  with  the  straw,  and  you  got  up 
into  the  thingamyjig,  and  let  the  horses  tred  on  you,  didn't 
you,  my  son  ?  " 

The  pen  of  no  livin  Orthur  could  describe  that  disfortnit 
young  man's  sittywation  more  clearer.  But  I  was  sorry  for 
him,  and  I  went  and  nussed  him  till  he  got  well.  His  reg'lar 
original  father  being  absent  to  the  war,  I  told  him  I  'd  be  a 
father  to  him  myself.  He  smilt  a  sickly  smile,  and  said  I  'd 
already  been  wuss  than  two  fathers  to  him. 

I  will  here  obsarve  that  fitin  orter  be  alius  avided,  excep  in 
extreem  cases.  My  principle  is,  if  a  man  smites  me  on  the 
right  cheek  I  '11  turn  my  left  to  him,  prob'ly ;  but  if  he  in- 
sinooates  that  my  gran'mother  wasn't  all  right,  I  '11  punch  his 
bed.  But  fitin  is  mis'ble  bisniss,  gen'rally  speakin,  and  when- 
ever any  enterprisin  countryman  of  mine  cums  over  here  to 
scoop  up  a  Briton  in  the  prize  ring,  I  'm  alius  excessively 
tickled  when  he  gets  scooped  hisself,  which  it  is  a  sad  fack 
has  thus  far  been  the  case — my  only  sorrer  bein  that  t'other 
feller  wasn't  scooped  likewise.  It's  diff'rently  with  scuUin 
boats,  which  is  a  manly  sport;  and  I  can  only  explain  Mr 
Hamil's  resunt  defeat  in  this  country  on  the  grounds  that  he 
wasn't  used  to  British  water.  I  hope  this  explanation  will  be 
entirely  satisfact'ry  to  all. 

As  I  remarked  afore,  I  'm  gettin  on  well  I  'm  aware  that 
I  'm  in  the  great  metrop'lis  of  the  world,  and  it  doesn't  make 
me  onhappy  to  admit  the  fack.  A  man  is  a  ass  who  dispoots 
it.  That 's  all  that  ails  him.  I  know  there  is  sum  peple  who 
cum  over  here  and  snap  and  snarl  'bout  this  and  that :  I  know 


4i6  PERSONAL  RECOLLECTIONS. 

one  man  who  says  it  is  a  shame  and  a  disgraice  that  St  Paul's 
Church  isn't  a  older  edifiss ;  he  says  it  should  be  years  and 
even  ages  older  than  it  is ;  but  I  decline  to  hold  myself  respon- 
sible for  the  conduck  of  this  idyit  simply  because  he's  my 
countryman.  I  spose  every  civ'lised  land  is  endowed  with  its 
full  share  of  gibberin  idyits,  and  it  can't  be  helpt — leastways  I 
can't  think  of  any  eflfectooal  plan  of  helpin  it. 

I  'm  a  little  sorry  you  've  got  politics  over  here,  but  I  shall 
not  diskuss  'em  with  nobody.  Tear  me  to  peaces  with  wild 
omnibuss  bosses,  and  I  won't  diskuss  'em.  I  've  had  quite 
enuff  of  'em  at  home,  thank  you.  I  was  at  Birmingham 
t'  other  night,  and  went  to  the  great  meetin  for  a  few  minits. 
I  hadn't  been  in  the  hall  long  when  a  stem  lookin  artisan  said 
to  me  : 

"  You  ar  from  Wales  % " 

No,  I  told  him  I  didn't  think  I  was.  A  hidgyis  tho't  flasht 
over  me.  It  was  of  that  onprincipled  taler,  and  I  said,  "  Has 
my  clothin  a  Welchy  appearance  % " 

"  Not  by  no  means,"  he  answered,  and  then  he  said,  "  And 
what  is  your  opinyin  of  the  present  crisis  1 " 

I  said,  "  I  don't  zackly  know.     Have  you  got  it  very  bad  % " 

He  replied,  "  Sir,  it  is  sweepin  over  England  like  a  Cymoon 
of  the  Desert ! " 

"  Wall,"  I  said,  "  let  it  sweep  ! " 

He  ceased  me  by  the  arm  and  said,  *'  Let  us  glance  at  hist'ry. 
It  is  now  some  two  thousand  years " 

"  Is  it,  indeed  ?  "  I  rephed. 

"Listin!"  he  fiercely  cried j  "it  is  only  a  little  over  two 
thousand  years  since " 

"  Oh,  bother  ! "  I  remarkt ;  "  let  us  go  out  and  git  some 
beer." 

"  No,  sir.  I  want  no  gross  and  sensual  beer.  I'll  not  move 
from  this  spot  till  I  can  vote.     Who  ar  you  % " 

I  handed  him  my  card,  which,  in  addition  to  my  name,  con- 
tains a  elabrit  description  of  my  show. 


THE  GREEN  LION  dr*  OLIVER  CROMWELL.     ^\^ 

"  Now,  sir,"  I  i)roudly  said,  "  you  know  me  \ " 

"  I  sollumly  swear,"  he  sternly  replied,  "  that  I  never  heard 
of  you,  or  your  show,  in  my  life  !  " 

"  And  this  man,"  I  cried,  bitterly,  "  calls  hisself  a  intelligent 
man,  and  thinks  he  orter  be  allowed  to  vote  !  What  a  holler 
mockery ! " 

I  've  no  objection  to  ev'ry  intelligent  man  votin  if  he  wants 
to.  It 's  a  pleasant  amoosement,  no  doubt ;  but  there  is  those 
whose  igrance  is  so  dense  and  loathsum  that  they  shouldn't  be 
trusted  with  a  ballit  any  more  'n  one  of  my  trained  serpunts 
should  be  trusted  with  a  child  to  play  with. 

I  went  to  the  station  with  a  view  of  retumin  to  town  on 
the  cars. 

"  This  way,  sir,"  said  the  guard ;  "  here  you  ar." 

And  he  pinted  to  a  first-class  carrige,  the  sole  ockepant  of 
which  was  a  rayther  prepossessin  female  of  30  summers. 

"  No,  I  thank  you,"  I  ernestly  replied  ;  "  I  prefer  to  walk." 

I  am,  dear  Sir,  very  respectivly  yours, 

Artemus  Waed. 


III. 

THE  GREEN  LION  AND  OLIVER  CROMWELL. 

Mr  Punch, — My  Deah  Sir, — It  is  now  two  weeks  since  a 
rayther  strange  lookin  man  engaged  Apartments  at  the  Green 
Lion.  He  stated  he  was  from  the  celebrated  United  States, 
but  beyond  this  he  said  nothin.  He  seem'd  to  prefer  sollytood. 
He  remained  mostly  in  his  room,  and  whenever  he  did  show 
hisself  he  walkt  in  a  moody  and  morose  manner  in  the  garding, 
with  his  bed  bowed  down  and  his  arms  foldid  across  his  brest. 
He  reminded  me  sumwhat  of  the  celebrated  but  onhappy  Mr 
Holler^  in  the  cheerful  play  of  The  Stranger.  This  man  puzzled 
me.    I  'd  been  puzzled  afore  several  times,  but  never  so  severally 

2d 


4i8  THE  GREEN  LION 

as  n(»w.  Mine  Ost  of  the  Green  Lion  said  I  must  interregato 
this  strange  bein,  who  claimed  to  be  my  countryman. 

"  He  hasn't  called  for  a  drop  of  beer  since  he  's  been  in  this 
ere  Ouse,"  said  the  landlord.  *'  I  look  to  you,"  he  added,  "  to 
clear  up  this  dark,  this  orful  mistry  ! " 

I  wringed  the  lan'lord's  honest  hand,  and  told  him  to  con- 
sider the  mistry  cleared  up. 

I  gained  axes  to  the  misterus  bein's  room,  and  by  talkin 
sweet  to  him  for  a  few  minits,  I  found  out  who  he  was.  Then 
returnin  to  the  lan'lord,  who  was  nervisly  pacin  up  and  down 
the  bar,  I  said  : 

"  Sweet  Rolando,  don't  tremble  no  more  !  I  've  torn  the 
marsk  from  the  hawty  stranger's  face,  and  dived  into  the 
recesses  of  his  inmost  sole  !     He  's  a  Trans-Mejim  ! " 

I  'd  been  to  the  Beefanham  theatre  the  previs  evenin,  and 
probly  the  drammer  I  saw  affected  me,  because  I  'm  not  in  the 
habit  of  goin  on  as  per  above.  I  like  the  Beefanham  theatre 
very  much  indeed,  because  there  a  enthoosiastic  lover  of  the 
theatre  like  myself  can  unite  the  legitermit  drammer  with  fish. 
Thus,  while  your  enrapterd  soul  drinks  in  the  lorfty  and  noble 
sentences  of  the  gifted  artists,  you  can  eat  a  biled  mack'ril  jest 
as  comfor'blyas  in  your  own  house.  I  felt  constrained,  how- 
ever, to  tell  a  fond  mother  who  sot  immegitly  behind  me,  and 
who  was  accompanied  by  a  gin  bottle  and  a  young  infant — I 
felt  constraned  to  tell  that  mother,  when  her  infant  playfully 
mingled  a  rayther  oily  mack'ril  with  the  little  hair  which  is 
left  on  my  vener'ble  hed,  that  I  had  a  bottle  of  scented  hair 
oil  at  home,  which  on  the  whole  I  tho't  I  preferred  to  that 
which  her  orfspring  was  greasin  me  with.  This  riled  the 
excellent  female,  and  she  said : 

"  Git  out !  you  never  was  a  infank  yourself,  I  spose  !  Oh, 
no  !  You  was  too  good  to  be  a  infank,  you  was  !  You  slid 
into  the  world  all  ready  grow'd,  didn't  you  %     Git  out ! " 

"  No,  madam,"  I  replied,  "  I  too  was  once  a  infant !  I  was 
a  luvly  child.     Peple  used  to  come  in  large  and  enthoosiastic 


AND  OLIVER  CROMWELL,  419 

crowds  fiom  all  parts  of  the  country  to  see  me,  I  was  such  a 
sweet  and  intel'gent  infant.  The  excitement  was  so  intens,  in 
fack,  that  a  extra  hotel  was  startid  in  the  town  to  accommo- 
date the  peple  who  thronged  to  my  cradle."  Having  finished 
these  troothful  statemints,  I  smilt  sweetly  on  the  worthy 
female.     She  said : 

"  Drat  you  !  what  do  you  come  a-chaffin  me  for  ? " 

And  the  estymible  woman  was  really  gettin  furis,  when  I 
mollyfied  her  by  praisin  her  child,  and  by  axin  pardin  for  all 
I  'd  said. 

"  This  little  gal,"  I  observed,  "  this  surprisingly  luvly  gal —  " 
when  the  mother  said, 

"  It 's  t'  other  sect  is  he,  sir ;  it 's  a  boy." 

"  Wall,"  I  said,  "  then  this  little  boy,  whose  eye  is  like  a 
eagle  a-soaring  proudly  in  the  azure  sky,  will  some  day  be  a 
man,  if  he  don't  choke  hisself  to  death  in  childhood's  sunny 
hours  with  a  smelt  or  a  bloater,  or  some  other  drefful  calamity. 
How  surblime  the  tho't,  my  dear  madam,  that  this  infant  as 
you  fondle  on  your  knee  on  this  night,  may  grow  up  into  a 
free  and  independent  citizen,  whose  vote  will  be  worth  from 
ten  to  fifteen  pounds,  accordin  as  sufirages  may  range  at  that 
ioyus  perid  ! " 

Let  us  now  return,  jentle  reader,  to  the  lan'lord  of  the  Green 
Lion,  who  we  left  in  the  bar  in  a  state  of  anxiety  and  perspire. 
Eubbin  his  hot  face  with  a  red  hankercher,  he  said : 

"  Is  the  strange  bein  a  American  1" 

*'Heis." 

«  A  Gen'ral  1 " 

"No."  '■ 

"A  Colonial  T' 

«  No." 

*'  A  Major  ? " 

"  Not  a  Majer.*^ 

**ACaptingr' 

«  He  is  not." 


420  rHE  GREEN  LION 

"Aleftenant?'' 

"  Not  even  that." 

"  Then,"  said  the  lan'lord  of  the  Green  Lion,  "  you  are  de- 
ceeved  !     He  is  no  countryman  of  yours." 

"  Why  not  r' I  said. 

"  I  will  tell  you,  sir,"  said  the  lan'lord.  "  My  son-in  law  is 
employed  in  a  bankin  house  where  ev'ry  American  as  comes  to 
these  shores  goes  to  get  his  drafts  casht,  and  he  says  that  not 
one  has  arrived  on  these  shores  durin  the  last  18  months  as 
wasn't  a  Gen'ral,  a  Colonial,  a  Majer,  a  Capting,  or  a  leftenant ! 
This  man,  as  I  said  afore,  has  deceeved  you  !  He 's  a  im- 
postuer  ! " 

I  reeled  into  a  chair.  For  a  minit  I  was  speechlis.  At 
length  I  murmerd.  "  Alars  !  I  fear  it  is  too  troo  !  Even  I  was 
a  Capting  of  the  Home  Gards." 

"  To  be  sure,"  said  the  lan'lord ;  '*  you  all  do  it,  over  there." 

"  Wall,"  I  said,  "  whatever  nation  this  person  belongs  to,  we 
may  as  well  go  and  hear  him  lectur  this  evenin.  He  is  one  of 
these  spirit  fellers — a  Trans-Mejim,  and  when  he  slings  himself 
into  a  trans-state,  he  says  the  sperrits  of  departed  great  men 
talk  through  him.  He  says  that  to-night  sev  ril  em'nent  per- 
sons will  speak  through  him — among  others,  Cromwell." 

"  And  this  Mr  Cromwell — is  he  dead  % "  said  the  lan'lord. 

I  told  him  that  Oliver  was  no  more. 

"  It 's  a  umbug,"  said  the  lan'lord  ;  to  which  I  replied  that 
we  'd  best  go  and  see,  and  we  went.  We  was  late,  on  account 
of  the  lan'lord' s  extensiv  acquaintans  with  the  public-house 
keepers  along  the  road,  and  the  hall  was  some  two  miles  dis- 
tant, but  we  got  there  at  last.  The  hall  was  about  half  full, 
and  the  Mejim  was  just  then  assumin  to  be  Benjamin  Franklin, 
who  was  speakin  about  the  Atlantic  Cable. 

He  said  the  Cable  was  really  a  merrytorious  affair,  and  that 
messiges  could  be  sent  to  America,  and  there  was  no  doubt 
about  their  gettin  there  in  the  course  of  a  week  or  two,  which 
he  said  was  a  beautiful  idear,  and  much  quicker  than  by 


AND  OLIVER  CROMWELL,  421 

feteamer  or  canal-boat.  It  struck  me  that  if  this  was  Franklin, 
a  spiritooal  life  hadn't  improved  the  old  gentleman's  intellecks 
parti  cly. 

The  audiens  was  mostly  composed  of  rayther  pale  peple, 
whose  eyes  I  tho't  rolled  round  in  a  somewhat  wild  manner. 
But  they  was  well-behaved,  and  the  females  kept  saying, 
"  How  beautiful !  What  a  surblime  thing  it  is,"  et  cetry,  et 
cetry.  Among  the  females  was  one  who  was  a  fair  and  rosy 
young  woman.  She  sot  on  the  same  seat  we  did,  and  the 
lan'lord  of  the  Green  Lion,  whose  frekent  intervoos  with  other 
lan'lords  that  evenin  had  been  too  much  for  him,  fastened  his 
left  eye  on  the  fair  and  rosy  young  person,  and  smilin  lovingly 
upon  her,  said  : 

"  You  may  give  me,  my  dear,  four-penny-worth  of  gin- 
cold  gin.     I  take  it  cold,  because " 

There  was  cries  of  "  Silence !  Shame  1  Put  him  out !  the 
Skoffer ! " 

"Ain't  we  at  the  Spotted  BoarT*  the  lan'lord  hoarsely 
whispered. 

"  No,"  I  answered,  **  it 's  another  kind  of  bore.  Lis'en. 
Cromwell  is  goin'  to  speak  through  our  inspired  fren',  now." 

"  Is  he  ] "  said  the  lan'lord—"  is  he  %  Wall,  I  've  suthin  to 
say,  also.     Was  this  Cromwell  a  licensed  vittler  \ " 

"  Not  that  I  ever  heard,"  I  anserd. 

"  I  'm  sorry  for  that,"  said  the  lan'lord  with  a  sigh ;  "  but 
you  think  he  was  a  man  who  would  wish  to  see  licensed 
vittlers  respected  in  their  rights  ? " 
.  "  No  doubt." 

"  Wall,"  said  the  lan'lord,  "jest  you  keep  a  eye  on  me." 

Then  rising  to  his  feet  he  said,  in  a  somewhat  husky  yet 
tol'bly  distink  voice,  "  Mr  Crumbwell  I " 

"  Cromwell ! "  I  cried. 

"  Yes,  Mr  Cromwell :  that 's  the  man  I  mean,  Mr  Cromble  1 
wo^'t  you  please  advise  that  gen'l'man  who  you're  talkin 
through — won't  you  advise  'm  during  your  elekant  speech  to 


422  AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE. 

settle  his  bill  at  my  'ouse  to-night,  Mr  Crumbles,"  said  the 
lan'lord,  glarin'  savigely  round  on  the  peple ;  "  because  if  he 
don't,  there  '11  be  a  punched  'ed  to  be  seen  at  the  Green  Lion, 
where  I  don't  want  no  more  of  this  everlastin  nonsens.  ril 
talk  through  'im.  Here 's  a  sperrit,"  said  the  lan'lord,  a  smile 
once  more  beamin  on  his  face,  "  which  will  talk  througli  him 
like  a  Dutch  father  !     I  'm  the  sperrit  for  you,  young  feller  !  " 

"  You're  a  helthy  old  sperret,"  I  remarkt ;  and  then  I  saw 
the  necessity  of  gettin  him  out  of  the  hall.  The  wimin  was 
yellin  and  screamin,  and  the  men  was  hollerin  perHce.  A  per- 
licemen  really  came  and  collerd  my  fat  fren. 

"  It 's  only  a  fit.  Sir  Kichard,"  I  said.  I  always  call  the  per  lice 
Sir  Eichard.  It  pleases  them  to  think  I  'm  the  victim  of  a  de- 
loosion  ;  and  they  always  treat  me  perHtely.  This  one  did, 
certainly,  for  he  let  us  go.  We  saw  no  more  of  the  Trans-Mejim. 

It 's  diffikilt,  of  course,  to  say  how  long  these  noosances  will 
be  allowed  to  prowl  round.  I  should  say,  however,  if  pressed 
for  a  answer,  that  they  will  prob'ly  continner  on  jest  about  as 
long  as  they  can  find  peple  to  lis' en  to  'em.  Am  I  right  % — 
Yours  faithfull,  Artemus  Ward. 


IV. 


AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE. 


Mr  Punch, — My  Dear  Sir, — I  Ve  been  lingerin  by  the  Tomb 
of  the  lamentid  Shakspeare. 

It  is  a  success. 

I  do  not  hes'tate  to  pronounce  it  as  such. 

You  may  make  any  use  of  this  opinion  that  you  see  fit.  If 
you  think  its  pubHcation  will  subswerve  the  cause  of  littera- 
toor,  you  may  publicate  it. 

I  told  my  wife  Betsy  when  I  left  home  that  I  should  go  to 
the  birthplace  of  the  orthur  of  OihdUr  and  other  Plays.     She 


AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE.  423 

said  that  as  long  as  I  kept  out  of  Newgate  she  didn't  care 
where  I  went. 

"  But,"  I  said,  "  don't  you  know  he  was  the  greatest  Poit 
that  ever  lived  ]  Not  one  of  these  common  poits,  like  that 
young  idyit  who  writes  verses  to  our  daughter,  about  the  Roses 
*as  growses,  and  the  Breezes  as  blowses — but  a  Boss  Poit — also 
a  man  who  knew  a  great  deal  about  everything." 

She  was  packing  my  things  at  the  time,  and  the  only  an- 
swer she  made  was  to  ask  me  if  I  was  goin  to  carry  both  of 
my  red  flannel  nightcaps. 

Yes.  I  've  been  to  Stratford  onto  the  Avon,  the  Birthplace 
of  Shakspeare.  Mr  S.  is  now  no  more.  He 's  been  dead  over 
three  hundred  (300)  years.  The  peple  of  his  native  town  are 
justly  proud  of  him.  They  cherish  his  mem'ry,  and  them  as 
sell  picturs  of  his  birthplace,  &c.,  make  it  prof'tible  cherishin 
it.  Almost  everybody  buys  a  pictur  to  put  into  their 
Albiom. 

As  I  stood  gazing  on  the  spot  where  Shakspeare  is  s'posed 
to  have  fell  down  on  the  ice  and  hurt  hisself  when  a  boy  (this 
spot  cannot  be  bought — the  town  authorities  say  it  shall  never 
be  taken  from  Stratford),  I  wondered  if  three  hundred  years 
hence  picturs  of  my  birthplace  will  be  in  demand  %  AVill  the 
peple  of  my  native  town  be  proud  of  me  in  three  hundred 
years  ?  I  guess  they  won't  short  of  that  time,  because  they 
say  the  fat  man  weighing  1000  pounds  which  I  exhibited  there 
was  stufied  out  with  pillers  and  cushions,  which  he  said  one 
very  hot  day  in  July,  "  Oh  bother,  I  can't  stand  this,"  and 
commenced  pullin  the  pillers  out  from  under  his  weskit,  and 
hea^dn  'em  at  the  audience.  I  never  saw  a  man  lose  flesh  so 
fast  in  my  life.  The  audience  said  I  was  a  pretty  man  to  come 
chiselin  my  own  townsmen  in  that  way.  I  said,  "  Do  not  be 
angry,  feller- citizens.  I  exhibited  him  simply  as  a  work  of 
art.  I  simply  wished  to  show  you  that  a  man  could  grow  fat 
without  the  aid  of  cod-Hver  oil."  But  they  wouldn't  listen 
to  me.     They  are  a  low  and  gi'ovoJin  set  of  peple,  who  excite  a 


424  AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE, 

feelin  of  loatliin  in  every  brest  where  lorfty  emotions  and  ori- 
ginal idees  have  a  bidin  place. 

I  stopped  at  Leamington  a  few  minutes  on  my  way  to  Strat- 
ford onto  the  Avon,  and  a  very  beautiful  town  it  is.  I  went 
into  a  shoe  shop  to  make  a  purchis,  and  as  I  entered  I  saw 
over  the  door  those  dear  familiar  words,  "  By  Appintment : 
H.E.H. ;  "  and  I  said  to  the  man,  "  Squire,  excuse  me,  but  this 
is  too  much.  I  have  seen  in  London  four  hundred  boot  and 
shoe  shops  by  Appintment :  H.E.H.  ;  and  now  you  're  at  it.  It 
is  simply  onpossible  that  the  Prince  can  wear  400  pairs  of  boots. 
Don't  tell  me,"  I  said,  in  a  voice  choked  with  emotion — ''  Oh, 
do  not  tell  me,  that  you  also  make  boots  for  him.  Say  slippers 
— say  that  you  mend  a  boot  now  and  then  for  him ;  but  do  not 
tell  me  that  you  make  'em  reg'lar  for  him." 

The  man  smilt,  and  said  I  didn't  understand  these  things. 
He  said  I  perhaps  had  not  noticed  in  London  that  dealers  in 
all  sorts  of  articles  was  By  Appintment.  I  said,  "  Oh,  hadn't 
I  ? "  Then  a  sudden  thought  flasht  over  me.  "  I  have  it !  "  I 
said.  "  When  the  Prince  v/alks  through  a  street,  he  no  doubt 
looks  at  the  shop  windows." 

The  man  said,  "  No  doubt." 

"And  the  enterprisin  tradesman,"  I  continnerd,  "the 
moment  the  Prince  gets  out  of  sight,  rushes  frantically  and 
has  a  tin  sign  painted.  By  Appintment :  H.R.H.  !  It  is  a 
beautiful,  a  great  idee  ! " 

I  then  bought  a  pair  of  shoe  strings,  and  wringin  the  shop- 
man's honest  hand,  I  started  for  the  Tomb  of  Shakspeare  in  a 
hired  fly.     It  lookt,  however,  more  like  a  spider. 

"And  this,"  I  said,  as  I  stood  in  the  old  churchyard  at 
Stratford,  beside  a  Tombstone,  "  this  marks  the  spot  where 
lies  WilHam  W.  Shakspeare.  Alars  !  and  this  is  the  spot 
where " 

"  You  Ve  got  the  wrong  grave,"  said  a  man — a  worthy  vil- 
lager ;  "  Shakspeare  is  buried  inside  the  church." 
'  "  Oh,"  I  said,  "  a  boy  told  me  this  was  it."     The  boy  larfed 


AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE,  425 

and  put  the  shillin  1  d  givin  him  into  his  left  eye  in  a  inglori- 
ous manner,  and  commenced  moving  backwards  towards  the 
street. 

I  pursood  and  captered  him,  and  after  talking  to  him  a  spell 
in  a  skarcastic  stile,  I  let  him  went. 

The  old  church  was  damp  and  chiU.  It  was  rainin.  The 
only  persons  there  when  I  entered  was  a  fine  bluff  old  gentle- 
man who  was  talking  in  a  excited  manner  to  a  fashnibly-dressed 
young  man. 

"  No,  Ernest  Montressor,"  the  old  gentleman  said,  "  it  is  idle 
to  pursoo  this  subjeck  no  further.  You  can  never  marry  my 
daughter.  You  were  seen  last  Monday  in  Piccadilly  without 
a  umbreller !  I  said  then,  as  I  say  now,  any  young  man  as 
venturs  out  in  a  uncertain  climit  like  this  without  a  umbreller, 
lacks  foresight,  caution,  strength  of  mind  and  stability ;  and  he 
is  not  a  proper  person  to  intrust  a  daughter's  happiness  to." 

I  slapt  the  old  gentleman  on  the  shoulder,  and  I  said  : 

"  You  're  right  1  You  're  one  of  those  kind  of  men,  you 
are " 

He  wheeled  suddenly  round,  and  in  a  indignant  voice,  said, 
*'  Go  way — go  way  !     This  is  a  privit  intervoo." 

I  didn't  stop  to  enrich  the  old  gentleman's  mind  with  my 
conversation.  I  sort  of  inferred  that  he  wasn't  inclined  to 
Hsten  to  me,  and  so  I  went  on.  But  he  was  right  about  the 
umbreller.  I  'm  really  delighted  with  this  grand  old  country, 
Mr  Punchy  but  you  must  admit  that  it  does  rain  rayther 
numerously  here.  Whether  this  is  owing  to  a  monerkal  form 
of  gov'ment  or  not,  I  leave  all  candid  and  onprejudiced  persons 
to  say. 

WiUiam  Shakspeare  was  born  in  Stratford  in  1564.  All  the 
commentaters,  Shaksperian  scholars,  etsetry,  are  agreed  on 
this,  which  is  about  the  only  thing  they  are  agreed  on  in  re- 
gard to  him,  except  that  his  mantle  hasn't  fallen  onto  any  poet 
or  dramatist  hard  enough  to  hurt  said  poet  or  dramatist  much. 
Ajid  there  is  no  doubt  if  these  commentaters  and  persons  coo- 


426  AT  THE  TOMB  OF  SHAKSPEARE. 

tinner  investigatin  Shakspeare's  career,  we  shall  not,  in  doo 
time,  know  anything  about  it  all. 

When  a  mere  lad  little  William  attended  the  Grammar 
School,  because,  as  he  said,  the  Grammar  School  wouldn't 
attend  him.  This  remarkable  remark,  comin  from  one  so 
young  and  inexperunced,  set  peple  to  thinkin  there  might  be 
somethin  in  this  lad.  He  subsequently  wrote  Hamlet  and 
George  Barnwell.  When  his  kind  teacher  went  to  London  to 
accept  a  position  in  the  offices  of  the  Metropolitan  Eailway, 
little  William  was  chosen  by  his  fellow-pupils  to  deliver  a  fare- 
well address. 

*'  Go  on,  sir,"  he  said,  "  in  a  glorus  career.  Be  like  a  eagle, 
and  soar,  and  the  soarer  you  get  the  more  we  shall  be  gratified  ! 
That's  so." 

My  young  readers,  who  wish  to  know  about  Shakspeare, 
better  get  these  vallyable  remarks  framed. 

I  returned  to  the  hotel.  Meetin  a  young  married  couple, 
they  asked  me  if  I  could  direct  them  to  the  hotel  which 
Washington  Irving  used  to  keep. 

"  I  've  understood  that  he  was  onsuccessful  as  a  lan'lord," 
said  the  lady. 

"  We  've  understood,"  said  the  young  man,  "  that  he  busted 
up." 

I  told  'em  I  was  a  stranger,  and  hurried  away,  Tliey  were 
from  my  country,  and  ondoubtedly  represented  a  thrifty  lie 
well  somewhere  in  Pennsylvany.  It's  a  common  thing,  by 
the  way,  for  a  old  farmer  in  Pennsylvany  to  wake  up  some 
mornin  and  find  ile  squirtin  all  around  his  backyard.  He  sells 
out  for  'normous  price,  and  his  children  put  on  gorgeous  har- 
ness and  start  on  a  tower  to  astonish  peple.  They  succeed  in 
doin  it.  Meantime  the  lie  it  squirts  and  squirts,  and  Time 
rolls  on.     Let  it  roll. 

A  very  nice  old  town  is  Stratford,  and  a  capital  inn  is  the 
Red  Horse.  Every  admirer  of  the  great  S.  must  go  there  onco 
certinly ;  and  to  say  one  isn't  a  admirer  of  him,  is  equiv'lent  to 


IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB.  427 

sayin  one  has  jest  about  brains  enough  to  become  a  efficient 
tinker. 

Some  kind  person  has  sent  me  Cbawcer's  poems.  Mr  C.  had 
talent,  but  he  couldn't  spel.  No  man  has  a  right  to  be  a  lit'rary 
man  onless  he  knows  how  to  spel.  It  is  a  pity  that  Chawcer, 
who  had  geneyus,  was  so  unedicated.  He  's  the  wuss  speller  1 
know  of. 

I  guess  I  'm  through,  and  so  I  lay  down  the  pen,  which  is 
more  mightier  than  the  sword,  but  which,  I  'm  fraid,  would 
stand  a  rayther  sHm  chance  beside  the  needle  gun. — Adoo  1 
adoo  1  Artemus  Ward. 


V. 

IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB. 

Mr  Punch,— My  Dear  Sir, — It  is  seldim  that  the  Com- 
mercial relations  between  Great  Britain  and  the  United  States 
is  mar'd  by  Games. 

It  is  Commerce,  after  all,  which  will  keep  the  two  countries 
friendly  to'ards  each  other  rather  than  statesmen. 

I  look  at  your  last  Parliament,  and  I  can't  see  that  a  single 
speech  was  encored  during  the  entire  session. 

Look  at  Congress — but  no,  I  'd  rather  not  look  at  Congress. 

Entertainin  this  great  regard  for  Commerce,  "  whose  sales 
whiten  every  sea,"  as  everybody  happily  observes  every  chance 
he  gets,  I  learn  with  disgust  and  surprise  that  a  British  sub- 
jeck  bo't  a  Barril  of  Apple  Sass  in  America  recently,  and  when 
he  arrove  home  he  found  under  a  few  deloosiv  layers  of  sass 
nothin  but  saw-dust.  I  should  have  instantly  gone  into  the 
City  and  called  a  meetin  of  the  leadin  commercial  men  to 
condem  and  repudiate,  as  a  American,  this  gross  frawd,  if  I 


428  IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB, 

hadn't  learned  at  the  same  time  that  the  draft  given  by  the 
British  subjeck  in  payment  for  this  frawdylent  sass  was  drawd 
onto  a  Bankin  House  in  London  which  doesn't  have  a  exist- 
ence, but  far  otherwise,  and  never  did. 

There  is  those  who  larf  at  these  things,  but  to  me  they 
merit  rebooks  and  frowns. 

With  the  exception  of  my  Uncle  Wilyim — who,  as  I  've 
before  stated,  is  a  uncle  by  marriage  only,  who  is  a  low  cuss, 
and  filled  his  coat  pockets  with  pies  and  biled  eggs  at  his  weddin 
breakfast,  given  to  him  by  my  father,  and  made  the  clergy- 
man as  united  him  a  present  of  my  father's  new  overcoat,  and 
when  my  father,  on  discoverin  it,  got  in  a  rage  and  denounced 
him,  Uncle  Wilyim  said  the  old  man  (meanin  my  parent) 
hadn't  any  idee  of  first-class  Humer  ! — with  the  exception  of 
this  wretched  Uncle,  the  escutchin  of  my  fam'ly  has  never 
been  stained  by  Games.  The  little  harmless  deceptions  I 
resort  to  in  my  perfeshion  I  do  not  call  Games.  They  are 
sacrifisses  to  Art. 

I  come  of  a  very  clever  fam'ly. 

The  Wards  is  a  very  clever  fam'ly  indeed. 

I  believe  we  are  descendid  from  the  Puritins,  who  nobly 
fled  from  a  land  of  despitism  to  a  land  of  freedim,  where  they 
could  not  only  enjoy  their  own  religion,  but  prevent  everybody 
else  from  enjoyin  his. 

As  I  said  before,  we  are  a  very  clever  fam'ly. 

I  was  strolling  up  Kegent  Street  the  other  day,  thinkin 
what  a  clever  fam'ly  I  come  of,  and  looking  at  the  gay  shop- 
winders.  I  've  got  some  new  close  since  you  last  saw  me.  I 
saw  them  others  wouldn't  do.  They  carrid  the  observer  too 
far  back  into  the  dim  vister  of  the  past,  and  I  gave  'em  to  a 
Orfun  Asylum.  The  close  I  wear  now  I  bo't  of  Mr  Moses,  in 
the  Commercial  Eoad.  They  were  expressly  made,  Mr  Moses 
informed  me,  for  a  nobleman ;  but  as  they  fitted  him  too 
muchly,  partic'ly  the  trows'rs  (which  is  blue,  with  large  red 
and  white  checks),  he  had  said  : 


IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB.  429 

"  My  dear  feller,  make  me  some  more,  only  mind — be  sure 
you  sell  these  to  some  genteel  old  feller." 

I  like  to  saunter  thro'  Eegent  Street.  The  shops  are  pretty, 
and  it  does  the  old  man's  heart  good  to  see  the  troops  of  fine 
healthy  girls  which  one  may  always  see  there  at  certain  hours 
in  the  afternoon,  who  don't  spile  their  beauty  by  devouring 
cakes  and  sugar  things,  as  too  many  of  the  American  and 
French  lasses  do.  It 's  a  mistake  about  everybody  being  out 
of  town,  I  guess.  Regent  Street  is  full.  I  'm  here  ;  and,  as  I 
said  before,  I  come  of  a  very  clever  fam'ly. 

As  I  was  walking  along,  amoosin  myself  by  stickin  my  pen- 
knife into  the  calves  of  the  footmen  who  stood  waitin  by  the 
swell  coaches  (not  one  of  whom  howled  with  angwish),  I  was 
accosted  by  a  man  of  about  thirty-five  summers,  who  said,  "  I 
have  seen  that  face  somewheres  afore  !  " 

He  was  a  little  shabby  in  his  wearin  apparil.  His  coat  was 
one  of  those  black,  shiny  garments,  which  you  can  always  tell 
have  been  burnished  by  adversity;  but  he  was  very  gentle- 
manly. 

"  Was  it  in  the  Crimea,  comrade  ?  Yes,  it  was.  It  was  at 
the  stormin  of  Sebastopol,  where  I  had  a  narrow  escape  from 
death,  that  we  met !  " 

I  said,  "  No,  it  wasn't  at  Sebastopol.  I  escaped  a  fatal 
wound  by  not  bein  there.  It  was  a  healthy  old  fortress,"  I 
added. 

*'  It  was.     But  it  fell.     It  came  down  with  a  crash.'* 

"And  plucky  boys  they  was  who  brought  her  down,"  I 
added ;  "  and  hurrah  for  'em  !  " 

The  man  graspt  me  warmly  by  the  hand,  and  said  he  had 
been  in  America,  Upper  Canada,  Africa,  Asia  Minor,  and 
other  towns,  and  he  'd  never  met  a  man  he  liked  so  much  as 
he  did  me. 

"  Let  us,"  he  added,  "  let  us  to  the  shrine  of  Bachus  !  " 

And  he  dragged  me  into  a  public-house.  I  was  determined  to 
pay,  so  I  said,  "Mr  Bachus,  giv  this  gen'l'man  what  lie  calls  for." 


«o  7S  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB. 

We  conversed  there  in  a  very  pleasant  manner  till  my 
dinner-time  arrove,  when  the  agree'ble  gentleman  insisted 
that  I  should  dine  with  him.  "  We  '11  have  a  banquet,  sir,  fit 
for  the  gods  !  " 

I  told  him  good  plain  vittles  would  soot  me.  If  the  gods 
wanted  to  have  the  dispepsy,  they  was  welcome  to  it. 

We  had  soop  and  fish,  and  a  hot  jint,  and  growsis,  and 
wines  of  rare  and  costly  vintige.  AVe  had  ices,  and  we  had 
froots  from  Greenland's  icy  mountains  and  Injy's  coral  strands ; 
and  when  the  sumptoous  reparst  was  over,  the  agree'ble  man 
said  he'd  unfortnitly  left  his  pocket-book  at  home  on  the 
marble  center-table. 

''But,  by  Jove!"  he  said,  "it  was  a  feast  fit  for  the 
gods ! " 

I  said,  "  Oh,  never  mind,"  and  drew  out  my  puss ;  tho'  I 
in'ardly  wished  the  gods,  as  the  dinner  was  fit  for  'em,  was 
there  to  pay  for  it. 

I  come  of  a  very  clever  fam'ly. 

The  agree'ble  gentleman  then  said,  "  Now  I  will  show  you 
our  Club.  It  dates  back  to  the  time  of  WilHam  the  Con- 
queror." 

"  Did  Bill  belong  to  it  T '  I  inquired. 

"  He  did." 

*'  Wall,"  I  said,  "  if  Billy  was  one  of  'em,  I  need  no  other 
endorsement  as  to  its  respectfulness ;  and  I  '11  go  with  you, 
my  gay  trooper  boy  ! "     And  we  went  ojff  arm-in-arm. 

On  the  way  the  agree'ble  man  told  me  that  the  Club  was 
called  the  Sloshers.  He  said  I  would  notice  that  none  of  'em 
appeared  in  evenin  dress.  He  said  it  was  agin  the  rools  of 
the  Club.  In  fack,  if  any  member  appeared  there  in  evenin 
dress,  he  'd  be  instantly  expeld.  "  And  yit,"  he  added, 
*' there's  geneyus  there,  and  lorfty  emotions,  and  intelleck. 
You'll  be  surprised  at  the  quantities  of  intelleck  you'll  see 
there." 

We  reached  the  Sloshers  in  due  time,  and  I  must  say  they 


IS  INTRODUCED  AT  THE  CLUB.  431 

was  a  shaky-looking  lot,  and  the  public-house  where  they  con- 
vened was  certingly  none  of  the  hest. 

The  Slosh ers  crowded  round  me,  and  said  I  was  welcome. 

*'  What  a  beautiful  brestpin  you  've  got,"  said  one  of  *em. 
"  Permit  me,"  and  he  took  it  out  of  my  neckercher.  **  Isn't 
it  luvly  % "  he  said,  parsin  it  to  another,  who  passed  it  to 
another. 

It  was  given  me  by  my  aunt,  on  my  promisin  her  I  'd 
never  swear  profanely;  and  I  never  have,  except  on  very 
special  occasions.  I  see  that  beautiful  boosum-pin  a  parsin 
from  one  Slosher  to  another,  and  I  'm  reminded  of  them  sad 
words  of  the  poit,  "  parsin  away  !  parsin  away  !  '*  I  never 
saw  it  no  more. 

Then  in  comes  a  athletic  female,  who  no  sooner  sees  me  than 
she  utters  a  wild  yell,  and  cries  : 

"  At  larst !  at  larst !  My  Wilyim,  from  the  seas  ! " 

I  said,  "  Not  at  all,  Mann.  Not  on  no  account.  I  have 
heard  the  boatswain  pipe  to  quarters  ;  but  a  voice  in  my  heart 
didn't  whisper  Seu-zan  !  I  've  belayed  the  marlin-spikes  on 
the  upper  jibpoop,  but  Seu-zan's  eye  wasn't  on  me,  mucli. 
Young  woman,  I  am  not  you  're  Saler  boy.     Far  different." 

"  Oh  yes,  you  are  !"  she  howled,  seizin  me  round  the  neck. 
"  Oh,  how  I  've  lookt  forwards  to  this  meetin  ! " 

"And  you'll  presently,"  I  said,  "have  a  opportunity  of 
lookin  backwards  to  it,  because  I  'm  on  the  point  of  leavin 
this  institution." 

I  will  here  observe  that  I  come  of  a  very  clever  fam'ly.  A 
very  clever  fam'ly,  indeed. 

"  Where,"  I  cried,  as  I  struggled  in  vain  to  release  myself 
from  the  eccentric  female's  claws,  "  where  is  the  Capting — the 
man  who  was  into  the  Crimea,  amidst  the  cannon's  thunder  ? 
I  want  him." 

He  came  forward,  and  cried,  "  What  do  I  see  ?  Me  Sister  I 
me  sweet  Adulaide !  and  in  teers  !  Willin  !"  he  screamed, 
"  and  you  're  the  serpent  I  took  to  my  boosum,  and  borrowed 


432  THE  TOWER  OF  LONDON. 

money  of,  and  went  round  with,  and  was  cheerful  with,  are 
you  ? — You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself." 

Somehow  my  coat  was  jerked  off,  the  brest-pocket  of  which 
contained  my  po.'jket-book,  and  it  parsed  away  like  the  brest- 
pin.     Then  they  sorter  quietly  hustled  me  into  the  street. 

It  was  about  12  at  night  when  I  reached  the  Green  Lion. 

"Ha!  ha  !  you  sly  old  rascal,  you  've  been  up  to  larks  !** 
said  the  lan'lord,  larfin  loudly,  and  digging  his  fist  into  my  ribs. 

I  said,  "  Bigsby,  if  you  do  that  agin,  I  shall  hit  you  !  Much 
as  I  respect  you  and  your  excellent  fam'ly,  I  shall  disfigger 
your  beneverlent  countenance  for  life  !" 

"  What  has  ruffled  your  spirits,  friend  % "  said  the  lan'lord. 

"  My  spirits  has  been  ruffled,"  I  ansered  in  a  bittur  voice, 
**  by  a  viper  who  was  into  the  Crimea.  What  good  was  it,"  I 
cried,  "  for  Sebastopol  to  fall  down  without  enwelopin  in  its 
ruins  that  viper?" 

I  then  went  to  bed.     I  come  of  a  very  clever  fam'ly. 

Artemus  Ward. 


VI. 

THE  TOWER  OF  LONDON. 

Mr  Punch, — Mr  Dear  Sir, — I  skurcely  need  inform  you 
that  your  excellent  Tower  is  very  pop'lar  with  peple  from  the 
agricultooral  districks,  and  it  was  chiefly  them  class  which  I 
found  waitin  at  the  gates  the  other  mornin. 

I  saw  at  once  that  the  Tower  was  established  on  a  firm  basis. 
In  the  entire  history  of  firm  basisis  I  don't  find  a  basis  more 
firmer  than  this  one. 

"  You  have  no  Tower  in  America  ? "  said  a  man  in  the  crowd, 
who  had  somehow  detected  my  denomination. 

"  Alars !  no,"  I  anserd ;  "  we  boste  of  our  enterprise  and 


THE  TOWER  OF  LONDOU.  433 

improovements,  and  yit  we  are  devoid  of  a  Tower.  America, 
oh  my  onhappy  country  !  thou  hast  not  got  no  Tower  !  It 's 
a  sweet  Boon." 

The  gates  was  opened  after  awhile,  and  we  all  purchist 
tickets,  and  went  into  a  waitin-room. 

"  My  frens,"  said  a  pale-faced  little  man,  in  black  close, 
"  this  is  a  sad  day." 

*'  Inasmuch  as  to  how  ? "  I  said. 

"  I  mean  it  is  sad  to  think  that  so  many  peple  have  been 
killed  within  these  gloomy  walls.  My  frens,  let  us  drop  a 
tear ! " 

"No,"  I  said,  "you  must  excuse  me.  Others  may  drop 
one  if  they  feel  like  it ;  but  as  for  me,  I  decline.  The  early 
managers  of  this  institootion  were  a  bad  lot,  and  their  crimes 
were  trooly  orful ;  but  I  can't  sob  for  those  who  died  four  or 
five  hundred  years  ago.  If  they  was  my  own  relations  I 
couldn't.  It 's  absurd  to  shed  sobs  over  things  which  occurd 
durin  the  rain  of  Henry  the  Three.  Let  us  be  cheerful,"  I 
continnerd.  "  Look  at  the  festiv  "Warders,  in  their  red  flannil 
jackets.  They  are  cheerful,  and  why  should  it  not  be  thusly 
with  us?" 

A  Warder  now  took  us  in  charge,  and  showed  us  the  Trater's 
Gate,  the  armers,  and  things.  The  Trater's  Gate  is  wide  enufl 
to  admit  about  twenty  traters  abrest,  I  should  jedge ;  but 
beyond  this,  I  couldn't  see  that  it  was  superior  to  gates  in 
gen'ral. 

Traters,  I  will  here  remark,  are  a  onfomit  class  of  peple. 
If  they  wasn't,  they  wouldn't  be  traters.  They  conspire  to 
bust  up  a  country — they  fail,  and  they  're  traters.  They  bust 
her,  and  they  become  statesmen  and  heroes. 

Take  the  case  of  Gloster,  afterwards  Old  Dick  the  Three, 
who  may  be  seen  at  the  Tower  on  horseback,  in  a  heavy  tin 
overcoat — take  Mr  Gloster's  case.  Mr  G.  was  a  conspirator 
of  the  basist  dye,  and  if  he'd  failed,  he  would  have  been  hung 
on  a  sour  apple  tree.     But  Mr  G.  succeeded,  and  became  great. 

2  E 


434  THE  TOWER  OF  LONDON. 

He  was  slewd  by  Col.  Richmond,  but  lie  lives  in  histry,  and 
his  equestrian  figger  may  be  seen  daily  for  a  sixpence,  in  con- 
junction with  other  em'nent  persons,  and  no  extra  charge  for 
the  Warder's  able  and  bootiful  lectur. 

There 's  one  king  in  this  room  who  is  mounted  onto  a  foamin 
steed,  his  right  hand  graspin  a  barber's  pole.  I  didn't  leaxn 
his  name. 

The  room  where  the  daggers  and  pistils  and  other  weppins 
is  kept  is  interestin.  Among  this  collection  of  choice  cuttlery 
I  notist  the  bow  and  arrer  which  those  hot-heded  old  chaps 
used  to  conduct  battles  with.  It  is  quite  like  the  bow  and 
arrer  used  at  this  day  by  certain  tribes  of  American  Injuns, 
and  they  shoot  'em  off  with  such  a  excellent  precision  that  I 
almost  sigh'd  to  be  a  Injun  when  I  was  in  the  Eocky  Mountin 
regin.  They  are  a  pleasant  lot  them  Injuns.  Mr  Cooper  and 
Dr  Catlin  have  told  us  of  the  red  man's  wonerful  eloquence, 
and  I  found  it  so.  Our  party  was  stopt  on  the  plains  of  Utah 
by  a  band  of  Shoshones,  whose  chief  said  : 

*'  Brothers  !  the  pale-face  is  welcome.  Brothers  !  the  sun  is 
sinkin  in  the  West,  and  Wa-na-bucky-she  will  soon  cease 
speakin.  Brothers  !  the  poor  red  man  belongs  to  a  race  which 
is  fast  becomin  extink." 

He  then  whooped  in  a  shrill  manner,  stole  all  our  blankets 
and  whisky,  and  fled  to  the  primeval  forest  to  conceal  his 
emotions. 

I  will  remark  here,  while  on  the  subjeck  of  Injuns,  that  they 
are  in  the  main  a  very  shaky  set,  with  even  less  sense  than  the 
Fenians,  and  when  I  hear  philanthropists  bewailin  the  fack 
that  every  year  "  carries  the  noble  red  man  nearer  the  settin 
sun,"  I  simply  have  to  say  I  'm  glad  of  it,  tho'  it  is  rough  on 
the  settin  sun.  They  call  you  by  the  sweet  name  of  Brother 
one  minit,  and  the  next  they  scalp  you  with  their  Thomas- 
hawks.     But  I  wander.     Let  us  return  to  the  Tower. 

At  one  end  of  the  room  where  the  weppins  is  kept,  is  a  wax 
linger  of  Queen  Elizabeth,  mounted  on  a  f  rry  stuffed  boss, 


THE  TOWER  OF  LONDON.  435 

whose  glass  eye  flashes  with  pride,  and  whose  red  morockcr 
nostril  dilates  hawtily,  as  if  conscious  of  the  royal  burden  he 
bears.  I  have  associated  Elizabeth  with  the  Spanish  Armady. 
She 's  mixed  up  with  it  at  the  Surry  Theatre,  where  Troo  to  the 
Core  is  bein  acted,  and  in  which  a  full  bally  core  is  introjooced 
on  board  the  Spanish  Admiral's  ship,  givin  the  audiens  the 
idee  that  he  intends  openin  a  moosic-hall  in  Plymouth  the 
moment  he  conkers  that  town.  But  a  very  interesting 
drammer  is  Troo  to  the  Core,  notwithstandin  the  eccentric  con- 
duck  of  the  Spanish  Admiral ;  and  very  nice  it  is  •  in  Queen 
Elizabeth  to  make  Martin  Truegold  a  baronet. 

The  Warder  shows  us  some  instrooments  of  tortur,  such  as 
thumbscrews,  throat-collars,  ttc,  statin  that  these  was  con- 
kered  from  the  Spanish  Armady,  and  addin  what  a  crooil  peple 
the  Spaniards  was  in  them  days — which  elissited  from  a  bright- 
eyed  little  girl  of  about  twelve  summers  the  remark  that  she 
tho't  it  was  rich  to  talk  about  the  crooilty  of  the  Spaniards 
usin  thumbscrews,  when  we  was  in  a  Tower  where  so  many 
poor  peple's  heads  had  been  cut  off.  This  made  the  Warder 
stammer  and  turn  red. 

I  was  so  pleased  with  the  little  girl's  brightness  that  I  could 
have  kissed  the  dear  child,  and  I  would  if  she  'd  been  six  years 
older. 

I  think  my  companions  intended  makin  a  day  of  it,  for  they 
all  had  sandwiches,  sassiges,  etc.  The  sad-lookin  man,  who 
had  wanted  us  to  drop  a  tear  afore  we  started  to  go  round, 
fling'd  such  quantities  of  sassige  into  his  mouth  that  I  ex- 
pected to  see  him  choke  hisself  to  death  ;  he  said  to  me,  in  the 
Beau  champ  Tower,  where  the  poor  prisoners  writ  their  onhappy 
names  on  the  cold  walls,  "  This  is  a  sad  sight." 

"  It  is,  indeed,"  I  anserd.  "You  're  black  in  the  face.  You 
shouldn't  eat  sassige  in  public  without  some  rehearsals  before- 
hand.    You  manage  it  orkwardly." 

"No,"  he  said,  "  I  mean  this  sad  room." 

Indeed,  he  was  quite  right.     Tho'  so  long  ago  all  these 


^36  SCIENCE  AND 

flieiml  things  hcippened,  I  was  very  glad  to  git  away  from 
this  gloomy  room,  and  go  where  the  rich  and  sparklin  Crown 
Jewils  is  kept.  I  was  so  pleased  with  the  Queen's  Crown,  that 
it  occurd  to  me  what  a  agree'ble  surprise  it  would  be  to  send 
a  sim'lar  one  home  to  my  wife ;  and  I  asked  the  Warder  what 
was  the  vally  of  a  good,  well-constructed  Crown  like  that.  He 
told  me,  but  on  cypherin  up  with  a  pencil  the  amount  of  funs 
I  have  in  the  Jint  Stock  Bank,  I  conclooded  I  'd  send  her  a 
genteel  silver  watch  instid. 

And  so  I  left  the  Tower.  It  is  a  solid  and  commandin 
edifis,  but  I  deny  that  it  is  cheerful.  I  bid  it  adoo  without  a 
pang. 

I  was  droven  to  my  hotel  by  the  most  melancholly  driver 
of  a  four-wheeler  that  I  ever  saw.  He  heaved  a  deep  sigh  as 
I  gave  him  two  shillings. 

"1^11  give  you  six  <i.'s  more,"  I  said,  "  if  it  hurts  you  so." 

"  It  isn't  that,"  he  said,  with  a  hart-rendin  groan,  "  it 's  only 
a  way  I  have.  My  mind 's  upset  to-day.  I  at  one  time  tho't 
I  'd  drive  you  into  the  Thames.  I  've  been  readin  all  the  daily 
papers  to  try  and  understand  about  Governor  Ayre,  and  my 
mind  is  totterin.  It's  really  wonderful  I  didn't  drive  you 
into  the  Thames." 

I  asked  the  onhappy  man  what  his  number  was,  so  I  could 
redily  find  him  in  case  I  should  want  him  agin,  and  bad  him 
good-bye.  And  then  I  tho't  what  a  froUicsome  day  I  'd  made 
of  it. — Respectably,  &c.,  Artemus  Ward. 


VIL 

SCIENCE  AND  NATURAL  HISTORY. 

Mr  Punch, — ^My  Dear  Sir, — I  was  a  little  disapinted  at  not 
receivin  a  invitation  to  jine  in  the  meetins  of  the  Social  Science 
Congresfi. 


NATURAL  HISTORY.  ^yj 

I  don't  exackly  see  how  they  go  on  without  me. 

I  hope  it  wasn't  the  intentions  of  the  Scicncers  to  exclood 
me  from  their  delibrations. 

Let  it  pars.  I  do  not  repine.  Let  us  remember  Homer. 
Twenty  cities  claim  Homer  dead,  thro'  which  the  livin  Mr 
Homer  couldn't  have  got  trusted  for  a  sandwich  and  a  glass  of 
bitter  beer,  or  words  to  that  effeck. 

But  perhaps  it  was  a  oversight.  Certinly  I  have  been  hoss- 
pitably  rec'd  in  this  country.  Hospitality  has  been  pored  all 
over  me.  At  Liverpool  I  was  asked  to  walk  all  over  the  docks, 
which  are  nine  miles  long ;  and  I  don't  remember  a  instance 
since  my  'rival  in  London  of  my  gettin  into  a  cab  without  a 
Briton  comin  and  purlitely  shuttin  the  door  for  me,  and  then 
extendin  his  open  hand  to'ards  me,  in  the  most  frenly  manner 
possible.  Does  he  not,  by  this  simple  yit  tuchin  gesture,  wel- 
cum  me  to  England  ]  Doesn't  he  ?  Oh  yes — I  guess  he  doesn't 
he.  And  it's  quite  right  among  two  great  countries  which 
speak  the  same  langwidge,  except  as  regards  H's.  And  I  've 
been  allowed  to  walk  round  all  the  streets.  Even  at  Buckin- 
ham  Pallis,  I  told  a  guard  I  wanted  to  walk  round  there,  and 
he  said  I  could  walk  round  there.  I  ascertained  subsequent 
that  he  referd  to  the  side  walk  instid  of  the  Pallis — but  I 
couldn't  doubt  his  hospital  feelins. 

I  prepared  an  Essy  on  Animals  to  read  before  the  Social 
Science  meetins.  It  is  a  subjeck  I  may  troothfully  say  I  have 
successfully  wrastled  with.  I  tackled  it  when  only  nineteen 
years  old.  At  that  tender  age  I  writ  a  Essy  for  a  lit'ry  Insti- 
toot  entitled,  "Is  Cats  to  be  trusted?"  Of  the  merits  of  that 
Essy  it  doesn't  becum  me  to  speak,  but  I  may  be  excoos'd  for 
mentionin  that  the  Institoot  parsed  a  resolution  that  "  whether 
we  look  upon  the  length  of  this  Essy,  or  the  manner  in  which 
it  is  written,  we  feel  that  we  will  not  express  any  opinion  of  it, 
and  we  hope  it  will  be  read  in  other  towns." 

Of  course  the  Essy  I  writ  for  the  Social  Science  Society  is  a 
more  finisheder  production  than  the  one  on  Cats,  which  was 


^38  SCIENCE  AND 

wroten  when  my  mind  was  crood,  and  afore  I  had  masterd  a 
graceful  and  ellygant  stile  of  composition.  I  could  not  even 
punctooate  my  sentences  proper  at  that  time,  and  I  observe 
with  pane,  on  lookin  over  this  effort  of  my  yooth,  that  its 
beauty  is  in  one  or  two  instances  mar'd  by  ingrammaticisms. 
This  was  unexcusable,  and  I  'm  surprised  I  did  it.  A  writer 
who  can't  write  in  a  grammerly  manner  better  shut  up  shop. 

You  shall  hear  this  Essy  on  Animals.  Some  day  when  you 
have  four  hours  to  spare,  I  '11  read  it  to  you.  I  think  you  '11 
enjoy  it.  Or,  what  will  l^e  much  better,  if  I  may  suggest — 
omit  all  picturs  in  next  week's  Punch,  and  do  not  let  your  con- 
tributors write  enything  whatever  (let  them  have  a  holiday ; 
they  can  go  to  the  British  Mooseum;)  and  publish  my  Essy 
intire.  It  will  fill  all  your  coUumes  full,  and  create  comment. 
Does  this  proposition  strike  you  1    Is  it  a  go  ? 

In  case  I  had  read  the  Essy  to  the  Social  Sciencers,  I  had 
intended  it  should  be  the  closin  attraction.  I  had  intended  it 
should  finish  the  proceedins.  I  think  it  would  have  finished 
them.  I  understand  animals  better  than  any  other  class  of 
human  creatures.  I  have  a  very  animal  mind,  and  I  've  been 
identified  with  'em  doorin  my  entire  perfessional  career  as  a 
showman,  more  especial  bears,  wolves,  leopards  and  serpunts. 

The  leopard  is  as  lively  a  animal  as  I  ever  came  into  con- 
tack  with.  It  is  troo  he  cannot  change  his  spots,  but  you  can 
change  'em  for  him  with  a  paint-brush,  as  I  once  did  in  the 
case  of  a  leopard  who  wasn't  nat'rally  spotted  in  a  attractive 
manner.  In  exhibitin  him  I  used  to  stir  him  up  in  his  cage 
with  a  protracted  pole,  and  for  the  purpuss  of  makin  him  yell 
and  kick  up  in  a  leopardy  manner,  I  used  to  casionally  whack 
him  over  the  head.  This  would  make  the  children  inside  the 
booth  scream  with  fright,  which  would  make  fathers  of  families 
outside  the  booth  very  anxious  to  come  in — because  there  is  a 
large  class  of  parents  who  have  a  uncontrollable  passion  for 
takin  their  children  to  places  were  they  will  stand  a  chance  o^ 
being  frightened  to  death. 


NATURAL  HISTORY,  439 

One  day  I  whacked  this  leopard  more  than  ushil,  which 
elissited  a  remonstrance  from  a  tall  gentleman  in  spectacles, 
who  said,  "  My  good  man,  do  not  beat  the  poor  caged  animal. 
Rather  fondle  him." 

"  I  '11  fondle  him  with  a  club,"  I  ansered,  hitting  him  another 
whack. 

"  I  prithy  desist,"  said  the  gentleman ;  "  stand  aside,  and 
see  the  effeck  of  kindness.  I  understand  the  idiosyncracies  of 
these  creeturs  better  than  you  do." 

With  that  he  went  up  to  the  cage,  and  thrustin  his  face  in 
between  the  iron  bars,  he  said,  soothingly,  "  Come  hither, 
pretty  creetur." 

The  pretty  creetur  come-hithered  rayther  speedy,  and  seized 
the  gentleman  by  the  whiskers,  which  he  tore  off  about  enuff 
to  stuff  a  small  cushion  with. 

He  said,  "  You  vagabone,  I  '11  have  you  indicted  for  exhi- 
bitin  dangerous  and  immoral  animals." 

I  replied,  "  Gentle  Sir,  there  isn't  a  animal  here  that  hasn't 
a  beautiful  moral,  but  you  mustn't  fondle  'em.  You  mustn't 
meddle  with  their  idiotsyncracies." 

The  gentleman  was  a  dramatic  cricket,  and  he  wrote  a 
article  for  a  paper,  in  which  he  said  my  entertainment  was  a 
decided  failure. 

As  regards  Bears,  you  can  teach  'em  to  do  interestin  things, 
but  they  're  onreliable.  I  had  a  very  large  grizzly  bear  once, 
who  would  dance,  and  larf,  and  lay  down,  and  bow  his  head 
in  grief,  and  give  a  mournful  wale,  etsetry.  But  he  often 
annoyed  me.  It  will  be  remembered  that  on  the  occasion  of 
the  first  battle  of  Bull  Run,  it  suddenly  occurd  to  the  Fed'ral 
soldiers  that  they  had  business  in  "Washington  which  ought 
not  to  be  neglected,  and  they  all  started  for  that  beautiful  and 
romantic  city,  maintainin  a  rate  of  speed  durin  the  entire  dis- 
tance that  would  have  done  credit  to  the  celebrated  French 
steed  Gladiateur.  Very  nat'rally  our  Gov'ment  was  deeply 
grieved  at  this  deieat  ^  and  \  said  to  my  Bear  shortly  after,  aa 


440  SCIENCE  AND  NA  TURAL  HISTORY, 

I  was  givin  a  exhibition  in  Ohio — I  said,  "  Brewin,  are  you 
not  sorry  the  National  arms  ha.s  sustained  a  defeat?"  His 
business  was  to  wale  dismal,  and  bow  his  head  down,  the  band 
(a  barrel  orgin  and  a  wiolin)  playing  slow  and  melancholly 
moosic.  What  did  the  grizzly  old  cuss  do,  however,  but  com- 
mence darncin  and  larfin  in  the  most  joyous  manner?  I  had 
a  narrer  escape  from  being  imprisoned  for  disloyalty. 

I  will  relate  another  incident  in  the  career  of  this  retchid 
Bear.  I  used  to  present  what  I  called  in  the  bills  a  Beautiful 
living  Pictur — showing  the  Bear's  fondness  for  his  Master  :  in 
which  I  'd  lay  down  on  a  piece  of  carpeting,  and  the  Bear 
would  come  and  lay  down  beside  me,  restin  his  right  paw  on 
my  breast,  the  Band  playing  "ITome,  S)Wed  Rome,''  very  soft 
and  slow.  Altho'  I  say  it,  it  was  a  tuchin  thing  to  see.  I  Ve 
seen  Tax-Collectors  weep  over  that  performance. 

Well,  one  day  I  said,  "  Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  we  will  now 
show  you  the  Bear's  fondness  for  his  master,"  and  I  went  and 
laid  down.  I  tho't  I  observed  a  pecooliar  expression  into  his 
eyes,  as  he  rolled  clumsily  to'ards  me,  but  I  didn't  dream  of 
the  scene  which  foUerd.  He  laid  down,  and  put  his  paw  on 
my  breast.  "  Affection  of  the  bear  for  his  Master,"  I  repeated. 
"  You  see  the  Monarch  of  the  Western  Wilds  in  a  subjugated 
state.  Fierce  as  these  animals  natrally  are,  we  now  see  that 
they  have  hearts,  and  can  love.  This  bear,  the  largest  in  the 
world,  and  measurin  seventeen  feet  round  the  body,  loves  me 
as  a  mer-ther  loves  her  che-ild  ! "  But  what  was  my  horror 
when  the  grizzly  and  infamus  Bear  threw  his  other  paw  under 
me,  and  riz  with  me  to  his  feet.  Then  claspin  me  in  a  close  em- 
brace he  waltzed  up  and  down  the  platform  in  a  frightful 
manner,  I  yellin  with  fear  and  anguish.  To  make  matters 
wuss,  a  low  scurrilus  young  man  in  the  audiens  hollered  out : 

"  Playfulness  of  the  Bear  !     Quick  moosic  ! " 

I  jest  'scaped  with  my  life.  The  Bear  met  with  a  wiolent 
death  the  next  day,  by  being  in  the  way  when  a  hevily  loaded 
gun  w^s  §red  off  by  one  of  my  men. 


A  VISIT  TO  THE  BRITISH  MUSEUM.  441 

But  you  should  hear  my  Essy  which  I  wrote  for  the  Social 
Science  Meetins.    It  would  have  had  a  moving  effeck  on  them. 

I  fee]  that  I  must  now  conclood. 

I  have  read  Earl  Bright's  speech  at  Leeds,  and  I  hope  we 
shall  now  hear  from  John  Derby.  I  trust  that  not  only  they, 
but  Wm.  E.  Stanley  and  Lord  Gladstone  will  cling  inflexibly 
to  those  great  fundamental  principles,  which  they  understand 
far  better  than  I  do,  and  I  will  add,  that  I  do  not  understand 
anything  about  any  of  them  whatever  in  the  least — and  let  us 
all  be  happy,  and  live  within  our  means,  even  if  we  have  to 
borrer  the  money  to  do  it  with. — ^Very  respectively  yours, 

Artemus  Ward. 


VIIL 


A  VISIT  TO  THE  BRITISH  MUSEUM. 

Mr  Punch, — My  Dear  Sir, — You  didn't  get  a  instructiv  article 
from  my  pen  last  week  on  account  of  my  nervus  sistim  havin 
underwent  a  dreffle  shock.  I  got  caught  in  a  brief  shine  of 
sun,  and  it  utterly  upsot  me.  I  was  walkin  in  Regent  Street 
one  day  last  week,  enjoy  in  your  rich  black  fog  and  bracing 
rains,  when  all  at  once  the  Sun  bust  out  and  actooally  shone 
for  nearly  half  an  hour  steady.  I  acted  promptly.  I  called  a 
cab  and  told  the  driver  to  run  his  boss  at  a  friteful  rate  of 
speed  to  my  lodgins,  but  it  wasn't  of  no  avale.  I  had  orful 
cramps,  my  appytite  left  me.  and  my  pults  went  down  to  10 
degrees  below  zero.  But  by  careful  nussin  I  shall  no  doubt 
recover  speedy,  if  the  present  sparklin  and  exileratin  weather 
continners. 

[All  of  the  foregoin  is  sarcasum.] 

It 's  a  sing'lar  fack,  but  I  never  sot  eyM  on  your  excellent 
British  Mooseum  till  the  other  day-     T  Ve  sent  a  great  many 


442  A   VISIT  TO  THE 

peple  there,  as  also  to  your  genial  Tower  of  London,  however. 
It  happened  thusly  :  When  one  of  my  excellent  countrymen, 
jest  arrived  in  London,  would  come  and  see  me,  and  display  a 
inclination  to  cling  to  me  too  lengthy,  thus  showin  a  respect 
for  me  which  I  feel  I  do  not  deserve,  I  would  suggest  a  visit 
to  the  Mooseum  and  Tower.  The  Mooseum  would  ockepy 
him  a  day  at  leest,  and  the  Tower  another.  Thus  I  've  derived 
considerable  peace  and  comfort  from  them  noble  edifisses,  and 
I  hope  they  will  long  continner  to  grace  your  metropolis. 
There 's  my  fren  Col.  Larkins,  from  Wisconsin,  who  I  regret 
to  say  understands  the  Jamaica  question,  and  wants  to  talk 
with  me  about  it ;  I  sent  him  to  the  Tower  four  days  ago,  and 
he  hasn't  got  throogh  with  it  yit.  He  likes  it  very  much,  and 
he  writes  me  that  he  can't  never  thank  me  sufficient  for 
directin  him  to  so  interestin  a  bildin.  I  writ  him  not  to 
mention  it.  The  Col.  says  it  is  fortnit  we  live  in  a  intellectooal 
age  which  wouldn't  countenance  such  infamus  things  as  occurd 
in  this  Tower.  I  'm  aware  that  it  is  fashin'ble  to  compliment 
this  age,  but  I  ain't  so  clear  that  the  Col.  is  altogether  right. 
This  is  a  very  respectable  age,  but  it 's  pretty  easily  riled ;  and 
considerin  upon  how  slight  a  provycation  we  who  live  in  it  go 
to  cuttin  each  other's  throats,  it  may  perhaps  be  doubted 
whether  our  intellecks  is  so  much  massiver  than  our  ancestors' 
intellecks  was,  after  all. 

I  alius  ride  outside  with  the  cabman.  I  am  of  humble 
parentage,  but  I  have  (if  you  will  permit  me  to  say  so)  the 
spirit  of  the  eagle,  which  chafes  when  shut  up  in  a  four- 
wheeler,  and  I  feel  much  eagler  when  I  'm  in  the  open  air.  So 
on  the  momin  on  which  I  went  to  the  Mooseum  I  lit  a  pipe, 
and  callin  a  cab,  I  told  the  driver  to  take  me  there  as  quick  as 
his  Arabian  charger  could  go.  The  driver  was  under  the  in- 
flooence  of  beer,  and  narrerly  escaped  runnin  over  a  aged 
female  in  the  match  trade,  whereupon  I  remonstratid  with 
him.     I  said  : 

"  That  poor  old  woman  may  be  the  only  mother  of  a  young 


BRITISH  MUSEUM.  443 

man  like  you.**  Then  throwing  considerable  pathos  into  my 
voice,  I  said,  "  You  have  a  mother  1 " 

He  said,  "  You  lie  ! "  I  got  down  and  called  another  cab, 
but  said  nothin  to  this  driver  about  his  parents. 

The  British  Mooseum  is  a  magnif  cent  free  show  for  the 
people.     It  is  kept  open  for  the  benefit  of  all. 

The  humble  costymonger,  who  traverses  the  busy  streets 
with  a  cart  containin  all  kinds  of  vegetables,  such  as  carrots, 
turnips,  etc.,  and  drawn  by  a  spirited  jackass — he  can  go  to 
the  Mooseum  and  reap  benefits  therefrom  as  well  as  the  lord 
of  high  degree. 

"  And  this,"  I  said,  "  is  the  British  Mooseum  !  These  noble 
walls,"  I  continnerd,  punching  them  with  my  umbreller  to  see 
if  the  masonry  was  all  right — but  I  wasn't  allowd  to  finish  my 
enthoosiastic  remarks,  for  a  man  with  a  gold  band  on  his  hat 
said,  in  a  hash  voice,  that  I  must  stop  pokin  the  walls.  I  told 
him  I  would  do  so  by  all  meaus.  "  You  see,"  I  said,  taking 
hold  of  the  tassel  which  waved  from  the  man's  belt,  and 
drawin  him  close  to  me  in  a  confidential  way,  "  you  see,  I  'm 
lookin  round  this  Mooseum,  and  if  I  like  it  I  shall  buy  it." 

Instid  of  larfin  hartily  at  these  remarks,  which  was  made  in 
a  goakin  spirit,  the  man  frowned  darkly  and  walked  away. 

I  first  visited  the  stuffed  animals,  of  which  the  gorillers  in- 
terested me  most.  These  simple-minded  monsters  live  in 
Afriky,  and  are  believed  to  be  human  beins  to  a  slight  extent, 
altho*  they  are  not  allowed  to  vote.  In  this  department  is  one 
or  two  superior  giraffes.  I  never  woulded  I  were  a  bird,  but 
1  Ve  sometimes  wished  I  was  a  giraffe,  on  account  of  the  long 
distance  of  his  mouth  to  his  stummuck.  Hence,  if  he  loved 
beer,  one  mugful  would  give  him  as  much  enjoyment  while 
goin  down  as  forty  mugfuls  would  ordinary  persons.  And  he 
wouldn't  get  intoxicated,  which  is  a  beastly  way  of  amusin 
oneself,  I  must  say.  I  like  a  little  beer  now  and  then,  and 
when  the  teetotallers  inform  us,  as  they  frekently  do,  that  it  is 
vile  stuff,  and  that  even  the  swine  shrink  from  it,  I  say  it  only 


444  ^   VISIT  TO  THE 

shows  that  the  swine  is  a  ass  who  don't  know  what 's  good ; 
but  to  pour  gin  and  brandy  down  one's  throat  as  freely  aa 
though  it  were  fresh  milk,  is  the  most  idiotic  way  of  goin  to 
the  devil  I  know  of. 

I  enjoyed  myself  very  much  lookin  at  the  Egyptian  mummys, 
the  Greek  vasis,  etc.,  but  it  occurrd  to  me  there  was  rayther 
too  many  "  Roman  antiquitys  of  a  uncertin  date."  Now,  I 
like  the  British  Mooseum,  as  I  said  afore,  but  when  I  see  a  lot 
of  erthen  jugs  and  pots  stuck  up  on  shelves,  and  all  "  of  a  un- 
certin date,"  I  'm  at  a  loss  to  'zackly  determin  whether  they 
are  a  thousand  years  old  or  was  bought  recent.  I  can  cry  like 
a  child  over  a  jug  one  thousand  years  of  age,  especially  if  it  is  a 
Roman  jug ;  but  a  jug  of  a  uncertin  date  doesn't  overwhelm 
me  with  emotions.  Jugs  and  pots  of  a  uncertin  age  is  doubt- 
less vallyable  property,  but,  like  the  debentures  of  the  London, 
Chatham,  and  Dover  Railway,  a  man  doesn't  want  too  many 
of  them. 

I  was  debarred  out  of  the  great  readin-room.  A  man  told 
me  I  must  apply  by  letter  for  admission,  and  that  I  must  get 
somebody  to  testify  that  I  was  respectable.  I  'm  a  little  fraid 
I  shan't  get  in  there.  Seein  a  elderly  gentleman,  with  a  bene- 
verlent-lookin  face  near  by,  I  venturd  to  ask  him  if  he  would 
certify  that  I  was  respectable.  He  said  he  certainly  would 
not,  but  he  would  put  me  in  charge  of  a  policeman,  if  that 
would  do  me  any  good.  A  thought  struck  me.  *'  I  refer  you 
to  Mr  Punch,''  I  said. 

"  Well,"  said  a  man,  who  had  listened  to  my  application, 
"  you  have  done  it  now  !     You  stood  some  chance  before." 

I  will  get  this  infamus  wretch's  name  before  you  go  to  press, 
so  you  can  denounce  him  in  the  present  number  of  your  excel- 
lent journal. 

The  statute  of  Apollo  is  a  pretty  slick  statute.  A  young 
yeoman  seemed  deeply  imprest  with  it.  He  viewd  it  with 
silent  admiration.  At  home,  in  the  beautiful  rural  districks 
where  the  daisy  sweetly  blooms,  he  would  be  swearin  in  a 


BRITISH  MUSEUM.  445 

horrible  manner  at  his  bullocks,  and  whacking  'em  over  the 
laad  with  a  hayfork ;  but  here,  in  the  presence  of  Art,  he  is  a 
changed  bein. 

I  told  the  attendant  that  if  the  British  nation  would  stand 
the  expens  of  a  marble  bust  of  myself,  I  would  willingly  sit  to 
some  talented  sculpist. 

"  I  feel,"  I  said,  "  that  this  a  dooty  I  owe  to  posterity." 

He  said  it  was  hily  prob'l,  but  he  was  inclined  to  think  that 
the  British  nation  wouldn't  care  to  enrich  the  Mooseum  with 
a  bust  of  me,  altho'  he  venturd  to  think  that  if  I  paid  for  one 
myself  it  would  be  accepted  cheerfolly  by  Madam  Tussaud, 
who  would  give  it  a  prom'nent  position  in  her  Chamber  of 
Horrers.  The  young  man  was  very  polite,  and  I  thankt  him 
kindly. 

After  visitin  the  Refreshment-room,  and  partakin  of  half  a 
chicken  *'  of  a  uncertin  age,"  like  the  Roman  antiquitys  I  have 
previsly  spoken  of,  I  prepared  to  leave.  As  I  passed  through 
the  animal  room,  I  observed  with  pane  that  a  benevolint  per. 
son  was  urgin  the  stufft  elephant  to  accept  a  cold  muffin,  but  I 
did  not  feel  called  on  to  remonstrate  with  him,  any  more  than 
I  did  with  two  young  persons  of  diflf'rent  sexes  who  had  retii-ed 
behind  the  Rynosserhoss  to  squeeze  each  other's  hands.  In 
fack,  I  rayther  approved  of  the  latter  proceedin,  for  it  carrid 
me  back  to  the  sunny  spring-time  of  my  life.  I  'm  in  the  shear 
and  yeller  leaf  now,  but  I  don't  forgit  the  time  when  to  squeeze 
my  Betsy's  hand  sent  a  thrill  through  me  like  follin  off  the 
roof  of  a  two-story  house ;  and  I  never  squozed  that  gentle  hand 
•without  wan  tin  to  do  so  some  more,  and  feelin  that  it  did  me 
good. — Trooly  yours, 

Artemus  Ward. 


446  PYROTECHNY. 

IX. 

PYEOTECHNY. 
I — THE  PEACEFUL  HAMLET. 

Nestling  among  the  grand  hills  of  New  Hampshire,  in  the 
United  States  of  America,  is  a  village  called  Waterbury. 

Perhaps  you  were  never  there. 

I  do  not  censure  you  if  you  never  were. 

One  can  get  on  very  well  without  going  to  Waterbury. 

Indeed,  there  are  millions  of  meritorious  persons  who  were 
never  there,  and  yet  they  are  happy. 

In  this  peaceful  hamlet  lived  a  young  man  named  PettingilL 

Eeuben  Pettingill. 

He  was  an  agriculturist. 

A  broad-shouldered,  deep-chested  agriculturist. 

He  was  contented  to  live  in  this  peaceful  hamlet. 

He  said  it  was  better  than  a  noisy  Othello. 

Thus  do  these  simple  children  of  nature  joke  in  a  first-class 
manner. 

n.— MYSELF. 

I  write  this  romance  in  the  French  style. 

Yes  :  something  that  way. 

The  French  style  consists  of  making  just  as  many  paragi'aphs 
as  possible. 

Thus  one  may  fill  up  a  column  in  a  very  short  time. 

I  am  paid  by  the  column,  and  the  quicker  I  can  fill  up  a 
column — but  this  is  a  matter  to  which  we  will  not  refer. 

We  will  let  this  matter  pass. 

m.— PETTINGILL. 

Eeuben  PettingiU  was  extremely  industrious. 


PYROTECHNY.  447 

He  worked  hard  all  the  year  round  on  his  father's  little 
farm. 

Right  he  was ! 

Industry  is  a  very  fine  thing. 

It  is  one  of  the  finest  things  of  which  we  have  any  know- 
ledge. 

Yefc  do  not  frown,  " do  not  weep  for  me"  when  I  state  that 
1  don't  like  it. 

It  doesn't  agree  with  me. 

I  prefer  indolence. 

I  am  happiest  when  I  am  idle. 

I  could  live  for  months  without  performing  any  kind  of 
labour,  and  at  the  expiration  of  that  time  I  should  feel  fresh 
and  vigorous  enough  to  go  right  on  in  the  same  way  for  nume- 
rous more  months. 

This  should  not  surprise  you. 

Nothing  that  a  modem  novelist  does  should  excite  astonish- 
ment in  any  well-regulated  mind. 

rV. — INDEPENDENCE  DAY. 

The  4th  of  July  is  always  celebrated  in  America  with  guns, 
and  processions,  and  banners,  and  all  those  things. 

You  know  why  we  celebrate  this  day. 

The  American  Revolution,  in  1775,  was  perhaps  one  of  the 
finest  revolutions  that  was  ever  seen.  But  I  have  not  time  to 
give  you  a  full  history  of  the  American  Revolution.  It  would 
consume  years  to  do  it,  and  I  might  weary  you. 

One  4th  of  July,  Reuben  Pettingill  went  to  Boston. 

He  saw  great  sights. 

He  saw  the  dense  throng  of  people,  the  gay  volunteers,  the 
banners,  and,  above  all,  he  saw  the  fireworks. 

I  despise  myself  for  using  so  low  a  word,  but  the  fireworks 
« licked  "  him. 

A  new  world  was  opened  to  this  young  man. 


448  PVROTECHNV. 

He  returned  to  his  parents  and  the  little  farm  among  the 
hills,  with  his  heart  full  of  fireworks. 

He  said.  "  I  will  make  some  myself." 

He  said  this  while  eating  a  lobster  on  top  of  the  coach. 

He  was  an  extraordinarily  skilful  young  man  in  the  use  of 
a  common  clasp-knife. 

With  that  simple  weapon  he  could  make,  from  soft  wood, 
horses,  dogs,  cats,  &c.     He  carved  excellent  soldiers  also. 

I  remember  his  masterpiece. 

It  was  "  Napoleon  crossing  the  Alps." 

Looking  at  it  critically,  I  should  say  it  was  rather  short  of 
Alps. 

An  Alp  or  two  more  would  have  improved  it ;  but,  as  a 
whole,  it  was  a  wonderful  piece  of  work ;  and  what  a  wonder- 
ful piece  of  work  is  a  wooden  man,  when  his  legs  and  arms  arp 
all  right. 

V. — WHAT  THIS  YOUNG  MAN  SAID. 

He  said,  *'  I  can  make  just  as  good  fireworks  as  them  in 
Boston." 

"  Them  "  was  not  grammatical,  but  why  care  for  grammaj 
as  long  as  we  are  good  ? 

VI. — ^THE  father's  TEARS. 

Pettingill  neglected  the  farm. 

He  said  that  it  might  till  itself — he  should  manufacture 
some  gorgeous  fireworks,  and  exhibit  them  on  the  village 
green  on  the  next  4th  of  July. 

He  said  the  Eagle  of  Fame  would  flap  his  wings  over  their 
humble  roof  ere  many  months  should  pass  away. 

"  If  he  does,"  said  old  Mr  Pettingill,  "  we  must  shoot  him, 
and  bile  him,  and  eat  him,  because  we  shall  be  rather  short  of 
meat,  my  son,  if  you  go  on  in  this  lazy  way." 


PYROTECHNY,  449 

And  the  old  man  wept. 
He  shed  over  120  gallons  of  tears. 

That  is  to  say,  a  puncheon.  But  by  all  means  let  us  avoid 
turning  this  romance  into  a  farce. 

VII. — PYROTECHNY. 

But  the  headstrong  young  man  went  to  work  making  firu 
works. 

He  bought  and  carefully  studied  a  work  on  pyrotechny. 

The  villagers  knew  that  he  was  a  remarkably  skilful  young 
man,  and  they  all  said,  "  We  shall  have  a  great  treat  next  4th 
of  July." 

Meanwhile  Pettingill  worked  away. 


Vm. — I'HE  DAY. 

The  great  day  came  at  last. 

Thousands  poured  into  the  little  village  from  far  and  near. 

There  was  an  oration,  of  course. 


IX. — ORATORY  IN  AMERICA. 

Yes  ;  there  was  an  oration. 

We  have  a  passion  for  oratory  in  America — political  oratory 
chiefly. 

Our  political  orators  never  lose  a  chance  to  "  express  their 
views." 

They  will  do  it.     You  cannot  stop  them. 

There  was  an  execution  in  Ohio  one  day,  and  the  Sheriff, 
before  placing  the  rope  round  the  murderer's  neck,  asked  him 
if  he  had  any  remarks  to  make  1 

"  If  he  hasn't,"  said  a  well-known  local  orator,  pushing  his 
way  rapidly  through  the  dense  crowd  to  the  gallows — "  if  our 
ill-starred  feller-citizen  don't  feel  inclined  to  make  a  speech 

2  F 


450  PYROTECHNY, 

and  is  in  no  hurry,  I  should  like  to  avail  myself  of  the  present 
occasion  to  make  some  remarks  on  the  necessity  of  a  new  pro- 
tective tariff  I " 


X. — pettingill's  fieeworks. 

As  I  said  in  Chapter  VIII.,  there  was  an  oration.  There 
were  also  processions,  and  guns,  and  banners. 

"  This  evening,"  said  the  chairman  of  the  committee  of  ar- 
rangements, "  this  evening,  fellow-citizens,  there  will  be  a 
grand  display  of  fireworks  on  the  village  green,  superintended 
by  the  inventor  and  manufacturer,  our  public-spirited  towns- 
man, Mr  Eeuben  Pettingill." 

Night  closed  in,  and  an  immense  concourse  of  people  gathered 
on  the  village  green. 

On  a  raised  platform,  amidst  his  fireworks,  stood  Pettingill. 

He  felt  that  the  great  hour  of  his  life  was  come,  and,  in  a 
firm,  clear  voice,  he  said  : 

"  The  fust  fireworks,  feller-citizens,  will  be  a  rocket,  which 
will  go  up  in  the  air,  bust,  and  assume  the  shape  of  a  serpint." 

He  applied  a  match  to  the  rocket,  but  instead  of  going  up 
in  the  air,  it  flew  wildly  down  into  the  grass,  running  some 
distance  with  a  hissing  kind  of  sound,  and  causing  the  masses 
to  jump  round  in  a  very  insane  manner. 

PettingiU  was  disappointed,  but  not  disheartened.  He  tried 
again. 

"  The  next  fireworks,"  he  said,  "will  go  up  in  the  air,  bust^ 
and  become  a  beautiful  revolvin  wheel." 

But,  alas !  it  didn't.  It  only  ploughed  a  little  furrow  in 
the  green  grass,  like  its  unhappy  predecessor. 

The  masses  laughed  at  this,  and  one  man — a  white-haired 
old  villager — said,  kindly  but  firmly,  "Eeuben,  I'm  'fraid 
you  don't  understand  pyrotechny." 

Reuben  was  amazed.  Why  did  his  rockets  go  down  instead 
of  up  ?    But,  perhaps,  the  others  would  be  more  successful; 


PYROTECHNY.  451 

and,  with  a  flushed  face,  and  in  a  voice  scarcely  as  firm  as 
before,  he  said  : 

"  The  next  specimen  of  pjTotechny  will  go  up  in  the  air, 
bust,  and  become  a  eagle.  Said  eagle  will  soar  away  into  the 
western  skies,  leavin  a  red  trail  behind  him  as  he  so  soars.'* 

But,  alas  !  again.  No  eagle  soared ;  but,  on  the  contrary, 
that  ordinarily  proud  bird  buried  its  head  in  the  grass. 

The  people  were  dissatisfied.  They  made  sarcastic  remarks. 
Some  of  them  howled  angrily.  The  aged  man,  who  had  before 
spoken,  said  : 

"  No,  Eeuben,  you  evidently  don't  understand  pyrotechny." 

Pettingill  boiled  with  rage  and  disappointment. 

"  You  don't  understand  pyrotechny  ! "  the  masses  shouted. 

Then  they  laughed  in  a  disagreeable  manner,  and  some  un* 
feelin  lads  threw  dirt  at  our  hero. 

"  You  don't  understand  pyrotechny  ! "  the  masses  yelled 
again. 

"  Don't  I  ? "  screamed  Pettingill,  wild  with  rage  ;  "  don't 
you  think  I  do  ? " 

Then  seizing  several  gigantic  rockets  he  placed  them  over  a 
box  of  powder,  and  touched  the  whole  off. 

This  rocket  went  up.     It  did  indeed. 

There  was  a  terrific  explosion.. 

No  one  was  killed,  fortunately,  though  many  were  injured. 

The  platform  was  almost  torn  to  pieces. 

But  proudly  erect  among  the  falling  timbers  stood  Pettin- 
gill, his  face  flashing  with  wild  triumph ;  and  he  shouted,  "  If 
I  'm  any  judge  of  pyrotechny,  that  rocket  has  went  off." 

Then  seeing  that  all  the  fingers  on  his  right  hand  had  been 
taken  close  off  in  the  explosion,  he  added,  "  And  I  ain't  so 
dreadful  certain  but  four  of  my  fingers  has  went  off'  with  it, 
because  I  don't  see  'em  here  now  1 " 


453  THE  NEGRO  QUESTIO^, 

X. 

THE  NEGRO  QUESTION. 

I  WAS  sitting  in  the  bar,  quietly  smokin  a  frugal  pipe,  when 
two  middle-aged  and  stern-looking  females  and  a  young  and 
pretty  female  suddenly  entered  the  room.  They  were  accom- 
panied by  two  umberellers  and  a  negro  gentleman. 

"Do  you  feel  for  the  down-trodden  1"  said  one  of  the 
females,  a  thin-faced  and  sharp-voiced  person  in  green  spec- 
tacles. 

"  Do  I  feel  for  it  ? "  ansered  the  landlord,  in  a  puzzled  voice 
—"  do  I  feel  for  it  1" 

"  Yes ;  for  the  oppressed,  the  benighted  V 

"  Inasmuch  as  to  which  1 "  said  the  landlord. 

"  You  see  this  man  ?  "  said  the  female,  pintin  her  umbrellei 
at  the  negro  gentleman. 

"  Yes,  marm,  I  see  him." 

"  Yes  ! "  said  the  female,  raisin  her  voice  to  a  exceedin  high 
pitch,  "  you  see  him,  and  he 's  your  brother ! " 

*'  No,  I  'm  darned  if  he  is  ! "  said  the  lan'lord,  hastily 
retreating  to  his  beer-casks. 

"  And  yours  ! "  shouted  the  excited  female,  addressing  me. 
"  He  is  also  your  brother !  " 

"  No,  I  think  not,  marm,"  I  pleasantly  replied.  "  The 
nearest  we  come  to  that  colour  in  our  family  was  the  case  of 
my  brother  John.  He  had  the  janders  for  sev'ral  years,  but 
they  finally  left  him.  I  am  happy  to  state  that,  at  the  present 
time,  he  hasn't  a  solitary  jander." 

"  Look  at  this  man  !  "  screamed  the  female. 

I  looked  at  him.  He  was  an  able-bodied,  well-dressed, 
comfortable-looking  negro.  He  looked  as  though  he  might 
heave  three  or  four  good  meals  a  day  into  him  without  a 
murmur. 

"  Look  at  that  down-trodden  man  ! "  cried  the  female. 

**  AVlio  trod  on  him  1 "  I  inquired. 


THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  453 

"Villains!  despots!" 

"  Well,"  said  the  lan'lord,  "  why  don't  you  go  to  the  wilKna 
about  it  1  Why  do  you  come  here  tellin  us  niggers  is  our 
brothers,  and  brandishin  your  umbrellers  round  us  like  a  lot 
of  lunytics  1    You  're  wuss  than  the  sperrit-rappers  !  " 

"  Have  you,"  said  middle-aged  female  No.  2,  who  was  a 
quieter  sort  of  person,  "  have  you  no  sentiment — no  poetry  in 
your  soul — no  love  for  the  beautiful  ?  Dost  never  go  into  the 
green  fields  to  cull  the  beautiful  flowers  % " 

"  I  not  only  never  dost,"  said  the  landlord,  in  an  angry 
voice,  "  but  I  '11  bet  you  five  pound  you  can't  bring  a  man  as 
dares  say  I  durst." 

"  The  little  birds,"  continued  the  female,  "  dost  not  love  to 
gaze  onto  them  1 " 

"  I  would  I  were  a  bird,  that  I  might  fly  to  thou  ! "  I 
humorously  sung,  casting  a  sweet  glance  at  the  pretty  young 
woman. 

"  Don't  you  look  in  that  way  at  my  dawter  ! "  said  female 
No.  1,  in  a  violent  voice ;  "  you  're  old  enough  to  be  her 
father." 

"'Twas  an  innocent  look,  dear  madam,"  I  softly  said. 
"  You  behold  in  me  an  emblem  of  innocence  and  purity.  In 
fact,  I  start  for  Rome  by  the  first  train  to-morrow  to  sit  as  a 
model  to  a  celebrated  artist  who  is  about  to  sculp  a  statue  to 
be  called  Sweet  Innocence.  Do  you  s'pose  a  sculper  would 
send  for  me  for  that  purpose  onless  he  knowd  I  was  over- 
flowing with  innocency  ?    Don't  make  a  error  about  me." 

"  It  is  my  opinyn,"  said  the  leading  female,  "  that  you  're  a 
scoff"er  and  a  wretch  !  Your  mind  is  in  a  wusser  beclouded 
state  than  the  poor  negroes'  we  are  seeking  to  aid.  You  are  a 
groper  in  the  dark  cellar  of  sin.     0  sinful  man  I 

*  There  is  a  sparkling  founts 
Come,  0  come,  and  drink.* 

No  :  you  will  not  come  and  drink."  ' 


454  THE  NEGRO  QUESTION, 

"  Yes,  he  will,"  said  the  landlord,  "  if  you  '11  treat.  Jest  try 
him." 

"As  for  you,"  said  the  enraged  female  to  the  landlord, 
"  you  're  a  degraded  bein,  too  low  and  wulgar  to  talk  to." 

"  This  is  the  sparklin  fount  for  me,  dear  sister !  "  cried  the 
lan'lord,  drawin  and  drinkin  a  mug  of  beer.  Having  uttered 
which  goak,  he  gave  a  low  rumblin  larf,  and  relapst  into 
silence. 

"  My  colored  fren,"  I  said  to  the  negro,  kindly,  "  what  is  it 
all  about?" 

He  said  they  was  trying  to  raise  money  to  send  missionaries 
to  the  Southern  States  in  America  to  preach  to  the  vast 
numbers  of  negroes  recently  made  free  there.  He  said  they 
were  without  the  gospel.     They  were  without  tracts. 

I  said,  "  My  fren,  this  is  a  seris  matter.  I  admire  you  for 
trying  to  help  the  race  to  which  you  belong,  and  far  be  it  from 
me  to  say  anything  again  carrying  the  gospel  among  the  blacks 
of  the  South.  Let  them  go  to  them  by  all  means.  But  I 
happen  to  individually  know  that  there  are  some  thousands  of 
liberated  blacks  in  the  South  who  are  starvin.  I  don't  blame 
anybody  for  this,  but  it  is  a  very  sad  fact.  Some  are  really 
too  ill  to  work,  some  can't  get  work  to  do,  and  others  are  too 
foolish  to  see  any  necessity  for  workin.  I  was  down  there  last 
winter,  and  I  observed  that  this  class  had  plenty  of  preachin 
for  their  souls,  but  skurce  any  vittles  for  their  stummux* 
Now,  if  it  is  proposed  to  send  flour  and  bacon  along  with  the 
gospel,  the  idea  is  really  a  excellent  one.  If,  on  the  t'other 
hand,  it  is  proposed  to  send  preachin  alone,  all  I  can  say  is 
that  it's  a  hard  case  for  the  niggers.  If  you  expect  a  colored 
person  to  get  deeply  interested  in  a  tract  when  his  stummuck 
is  empty,  you  expect  too  much." 

I  gave  the  negro  as  much  as  I  could  afford,  and  the  kind- 
hearted  lan'lord  did  the  same.     I  said  : 

"Farewell,  my  colored  fren,  I  wish  you  well,  certainly 
You  are  now  as  free  as  the  eagle.     Be  like  him  and  soar. 


ARTEMUS  WARD  ON  HEALTH.  455 

But  don't  attempt  to  convert  a  Ethiopian  person  while  his 
stummuck  yearns  for  vittles.  And  you,  ladies — I  hope  you 
are  ready  to  help  the  poor  and  unfortunate  at  home,  as  you 
seem  to  help  the  poor  and  unfortunate  abroad/' 

When  they  had  gone,  the  lan'lord  said,  "  Come  into  the 
garden.  Ward."  And  we  went  and  culled  some  carrots  for 
dinner. 


XI. 

ARTEMUS  WARD  ON  HEALTH. 

[The  following  fragment  from  the  pen  of  Artemus  "Ward  was  written  in 
the  last  days  of  his  illness,  and  was  found  amongst  the  loose  papers  on  the 
table  beside  his  bed.  It  contains  the  last  written  jests  of  the  dying  jester, 
and  is  illustrative  of  that  strong  spirit  of  humour  which  even  extreme 
exhaustion  and  the  near  approach  of  death  itself  could  not  wholly  destroy. 

There  is  an  anecdote  related  of  Thomas  Hood  to  the  efifect  that  when 
he  was  just  upon  the  point  of  dying,  his  friend  Mr  F.  0.  Ward  visited  him, 
and,  to  amuse  him,  related  some  of  his  adventures  in  the  low  parts  of  the 
metropolis  in  his  capacity  as  a  sanitory  commissioner.  "  Pray  desist," 
said  Hood;  "  your  anecdotes  give  me  the  Jaci-siMm-Ja^ro."  The  proximity 
of  death  could  np  more  deprive  poor  Artemus  of  his  power  to  jest  than  it 
could  Thomas  Hood.  When  nothing  else  was  left  him  to  joke  upon,  when 
he  could  no  longer  seek  fun  in  the  city  streets,  or  visit  the  Tower  of 
London  and  call  it  **  a  sweet  boon,"  his  own  shattered  self  suggested  a 
theme  for  jesting.  He  commenced  this  paper  "On  Health."  The  pur- 
port of  it,  I  believe,  was  to  ridicule  doctors  generally  ;  for  Artemus  was 
bitterly  sarcastic  on  his  medical  attendants,  and  he  had  some  good  reason 
for  being  so.  A  few  weeks  before  he  died  a  German  physician  examined 
his  throat  with  a  laryngoscope,  and  told  him  that  nothing  was  the  matter 
with  him  except  a  slight  inflammation  of  the  larynx.  Another  physician 
told  him  that  he  had  heart  disease,  and  a  third  assured  him  that  he  merely 
required  his  throat  to  be  sponged  two  or  three  times  a  day,  and  take  a 
preparation  of  tortoiseshell  for  medicine,  to  perfectly  recover !  Every 
doctor  made  a  difiFerent  diagnosis,  and  each  had  a  different  specific.  One 
alone  of  the  many  physicians  to  whom  Artemus  applied  seemed  to  be  fully 
awiure  that  the  poor  patient  was  dying  of  consumption  in  its  most  forrnid 


456  ARTEMUS  WARD  ON  HEALTH. 

able  form.  Not  merely  phthisis,  bxit  a  cessation  of  functions  and  a  vrastinj* 
away  of  the  organs  most  concerned  in  the  vital  processes.  Artemus  saM 
how  much  the  doctors  were  at  fault,  and  used  to  smile  at  them  with  a 
sadly  scornful  smile  as  they  left  the  sick-room.  "  I  must  write  a  paper," 
said  he,  "  about  health  and  doctors."  The  few  paragraphs  which  follow 
are,  I  believe,  all  that  he  wrote  on  the  subject.  Whether  the  matter 
became  too  serious  to  him  for  further  jesting,  or  whether  his  hand  became 
too  weak  to  hold  the  pen,  I  cannot  say.  The  article  terminates  as  abruptly 
as  did  the  life  of  its  gentle,  kind,  ill-fated  author.  E.  P.  H.] 

Ontil  quite  recent,  I  Ve  bin  a  helthy  individooal.  I  'm  near 
60,  and  yit  I've  got  a  muskle  into  my  arms  which  don't 
make  my  fists  resemble  the  tread  of  a  canary  bird  when  they 
fly  out  and  hit  a  man. 

Only  a  few  weeks  ago  1  was  exhibitin  in  East  Skowhegan, 
in  a  b'ildin  which  had  form'ly  bin  ockepied  by  a  pugylist — one 
of  them  fellers  which  hits  from  the  shoulder,  and  teaches  the 
manly  art  of  self-defens.  And  he  cum  and  sed  he  was  goin  in 
free,  in  consekence  of  previ'sly  ockepyin  sed  b'ildin,  with  a 
large  yeller  dog.  I  sed,  "  To  be  sure,  sir,  but  not  with  those 
yeller  dog."  He  sed,  "  Oh,  yes."  I  sed,  "  Oh,  no."  He  sed, 
"  Do  you  want  to  be  ground  to  powder?"  I  sed,  "Yes,  I  do, 
if  there  is  a  powder-grindist  handy."  When  he  struck  me  a 
disgustin  blow  in  my  left  eye,  which  caused  that  concern  to  at 
once  close  for  repairs ;  but  he  didn't  hurt  me  any  more.  I 
went  for  him.  I  went  for  him  energet'cally.  His  parents 
lived  near  by,  and  I  will  simply  state  that  15  minits  after  I'd 
gone  for  him,  his  mother,  seein  the  prostrate  form  of  her 
son  approachin  the  house  onto  a  shutter  carrid  by  four  men, 
run  out  doors,  keerfuUy  looked  him  over,  and  sed,  "  My  son, 
you  've  bin  foolin  round  a  thrashin  masheen.  You  went  in  at 
the  end  where  they  put  the  grain  in,  come  out  with  the  straw, 
and  then  got  up  in  the  thingumajig  and  let  the  bosses  tred  on 
you,  didn't  you,  my  son  % " 

You  can  jedge  by  this  what  a  disagreeable  person  I  am  when 
I  'm  angry. 

But  to  resoom  about  helth.     I  cum  of  a  helthy  fam'ly. 


A  FRAGMENT.  457 

The  Wards  has  alius  bin  noted  for  helthincss. 

The  fust  of  my  ancestors  that  I  know  anything  about  was 
Abijah  Ward  and  his  wife,  Abygil  Ward,  who  came  over  with 
the  Pilgrims  in  the  Mayflower.  Most  of  the  Pilgrims  was  sick 
on  the  passige,  but  my  ancestor  wasn't.  Even  when  the  tem- 
pist  raged  and  the  billers  howled,  he  sold  another  Pilgrim  a  kag 
of  apple  sass.  The  Pilgrim  who  bo't  it  was  angry  when  he 
found  that  under  a  few  layers  of  sass  the  rest  was  sawdust,  and 
my  ancestor  sed  he  wouldn't  hav  b'leeved  sech  wickedness 
could  exist,  when  he  ascertained  that  the  bill  sed  Pilgrim  gave 
him  was  onto  a  broken  bank,  and  wasn't  wuth  the  price  of  a 
glass  of  new  gin.  It  will  be  thus  seen  that  my  fust  ancestor 
had  a  commercial  mind. 

My  ancestors  has  all  bin  helthy  people,  tho'  their  pursoots 
in  life  has  bin  vari's. 

•  •  »  *  * 

•  *  •  *  • 


XII. 

A  FRAGMENT. 

[Among  the  papers,  letters,  and  miscellanea  left  on  the  tabln  vof  poor  "Ward 
was  found  the  fragment  which  follow*.  Diligent  search  failed  to  discover 
any  beginning  or  end  to  it.  The  probability  is  that  it  consists  of  part  of 
a  paper  intended  to  describe  a  comic  trip  round  England.  To  write  a 
comic  itinerary  of  an  English  tour  was  one  of  the  author's  favourite  ideas  ; 
and  another  favourite  one  was  to  travel  on  the  Continent  and  compile  a 
comic  Murray's  Guide*  No  interest  attaches  to  this  mere  scrap  other  than 
that  it  exemplifies  what  the  writer  would  have  attempted  had  his  life 
been  longer.] 


458  A  FRAGMENT. 

At  North  Berwick  there  was  a  maniacal  stampede  toward  the 
little  house  by  the  railside,  where  they  sell  such  immense 
quantities  of  sponge-cake,  which  is  very  sweet  and  very  yellow, 
but  which  lies  rather  more  heavily  on  the  stomach  than  raw 
turnips,  as  I  ascertained  one  day  from  actual  experience.  This 
is  not  stated  because  I  have  any  spite  against  this  little  house 
by  the  railside.  Their  mince-pies  are  nobly  made,  and  their 
apple-pies  are  unsurpassed.  Some  years  ago  there  used  to  be 
a  very  pretty  girl  at  this  house,  and  one  day,  while  I  was 
struggling  rapidly  with  a  piece  of  mince-pie,  I  was  so  unfortu- 
nate as  to  wink  slightly  at  her.  The  rash  act  was  discovered 
by  a  yellow-haired  party,  who  stated  that  she  was  to  be  his 
tvife  ere  long,  and  that  he  "expected"  he  could  lick  any  party 
who  winked  at  her.  A  cursory  examination  of  his  frame  con- 
vinced me  that  he  could  lick  me  with  disgusting  ease,  so  I  told 
him  it  was  a  complaint  of  the  eyes.  "  They  are  both  so,"  I 
added,  "and  they  have  been  so  from  infancy's  hour.  See 
here  ! "  And  I  commenced  winking  in  a  frightful  manner.  I 
escaped,  but  it  was  inconvenient  for  me  for  some  time  after- 
wards, because  whenever  I  passed  over  the  road  I  naturally 
visited  the  refreshment  house,  and  was  compelled  to  wink  in  a 
manner  which  took  away  the  appetites  of  other  travellers,  and 
one  day  caused  a  very  old  lady  to  state,  with  her  mouth  full 
of  sponge-cake,  that  she  had  cripples  and  drunkards  in  her 
family,  but,  thanks  to  the  heavens  above,  no  idiots  without 
any  control  over  their  eyes,  looking  sternly  at  me  as  she 
spoke. 

That  was  years  ago.  Besides,  the  wink  was  a  pure  accident. 
I  trust  that  my  unblemished  character — but  I  will  not  detain 
you  further  with  this  sad  affair. 

♦  ♦  ♦  *  ♦ 

Aktemus  Ward 


ESSAYS  AND  SKETCHES. 

From  the  "  Cleveland  Plain  Dealer!^ 


The  following  newspaper  scraps  and  sketches  are  the  earliest 
writings  of  Artemus  Ward  that  have  been  collected  and  pre- 
served. They  originally  appeared  in  a  paper  called  Tlie 
Cleveland  Plain  Dealer,  published  at  Cleveland,  in  Ohio.  At 
the  time  of  writing  them  the  Author  had  not  created  his  old 
showman  of  Baldinsville.  He  was  a  mere  youth,  employed  as 
reporter  and  assistant  editor  on  the  paper.  The  articles 
appeared  in  various  copies  of  the  Plain  Dealer  during  the 
years  1859  and  1860. 


ESSAYS  AND  SKETCHES. 


RED   HAND  :   A  TALE   OF   REVENGE. 

CHAPTER  L 

**  Life  *8  but  a  walking  shadow — a  poor  player." — Shakespeare, 
"  Let  me  die  to  sweet  music." — /.  W.  Shuckers. 

"  /^^  0  forth,  Clarence  Stanley  !  Hence  to  the  bleak  world, 
V_T  dog!  You  have  repaid  my  generosity  with  the 
blackest  ingratitude.  You  have  forged  my  name  on  a  five 
thousand  dollar  check — have  repeatedly  robbed  my  money< 
drawer — have  perpetrated  a  long  series  of  higli-handedvillanies, 
and  now  to-night,  because,  forsooth,  I'll  not  give  you  more 
money  to  spend  on  your  dissolute  companions,  you  break  a 
chair  over  my  aged  head.  Away  !  You  are  a  young  man  of 
small  moral  principle.     Don't  ever  speak  to  me  again ! " 

These  harsh  words  fell  from  the  lips  of  Horace  Blinker,  one 
of  the  merchant  princes  of  New  York  city.  He  spoke  to 
Clarence  Stanley,  his  adopted  son.  and  a  beautiful  youth  of 
nineteen  summers.  In  vain  did  Clarence  plead  his  poverty, 
his  tender  age  and  inexperience  ;  in  vain  did  he  fasten  those 
lustrous  blue  eyes  of  his  appealingly  and  tearfully  upon  Mr 
Blinker,  and  tell  him  he  would  make  the  pecuniary  matter  all 
right  in  the  fall,  and  that  he  merely  shattered  a  chair  over  his 
head  by  way  of  a  joke.     The  stony-hearted  man  was  remorsr^ 


462  RED  HAND:  A  TALE  OF  REVENGE. 

less,  and  that  night  Clarence  Stanley  became  a  wanderer  in 
the  wide,  wide  world!  As  he  bent  forth  he  uttered  these 
words ; — 

''H.   Blinker,  beware !     A  Eed  Hand  is  around,  my  fine 
feller ! " 


CHAPTER  n. 

" a  man  of  strange,  wild  mien — one  who  has  seen  trouble."— ^StV 

Walter  Scott. 

"  You  ask  me,  Don't  I  wish  to  see  the  Constitution  dissolved  and  broken 
up  ?    I  answer,  Never,  never,  never  ! " — H.  W.  Faxon. 

"  They  will  join  our  expedition." — Anon. 

"  Go  in  on  your  m  jscle." — President  Buclianaris  instructions  to  the  CoU 
lector  of  Toledo. 

"Westward  the  hoe  of  Empire  Stars  its  wsij."— George  N.  True. 

"  Where  liberty  dwells  there  is  my  kedentry." — C.  E.  Dennett. 

Seventeen  years  have  become  ingulfed  in  the  vast  and  moisi; 
ocean  of  eternity  since  the  scene  depicted  in  the  last  chapter 
occurred.  We  are  in  Mexico.  Come  with  me  to  the  Scar- 
let  Banditti's  cave.  It  is  night.  A  tempest  is  raging  tempes^ 
tuously  without,  but  within  we  find  a  scene  of  dazzling  magni- 
ficence. The  cave  is  spacious.  Chandeliers  of  solid  gold  hang 
up  suspended  round  the  gorgeously  furnished  room,  and  the 
marble  floor  is  star-studded  with  flashing  diamonds.  It  must 
have  cost  between  two  hundred  dollars  to  fit  this  cave  up.  It 
embraced  all  the  modern  improvements.  At  the  head  of  the 
cave  life-size  photographs  (by  Eyder)  of  the  bandits,  and 
framed  in  gilt,  were  hung  up  suspended.  The  bandits  were 
seated  around  a  marble  table,  which  was  sculped  regardless  of 
expense,  and  were  drinking  gin  and  molasses  out  of  golden 
goblets.  When  they  got  out  of  gin,  fresh  supplies  were  brought 
in  by  slaves  from  a  two-horse  waggon  outside,  which  had  been 
captured  that  day,  after  a  desperate  and  bloody  struggle,  by 
the  bandits,  on  the  plains  of  Bucna  Vista. 


RED  HAND:  A  TALE  OF  REVENGE,  463 

At  the  head  of  the  table  sat  the  Chief.  His  features  were 
swarthy  but  elegant.  He  was  splendidly  dressed  in  new 
clothes,  and  had  that  voluptuous,  dreamy  air  of  grandeur 
about  him  which  would  at  once  rivet  the  gaze  of  folks  gene- 
rally. In  answer  to  a  highly  enthusiastic  call  he  arose  and 
delivered  an  able  and  eloquent  speech.  We  regret  that  our 
space  does  not  permit  us  to  give  this  truly  great  speech  in  full 
— we  can  merely  give  a  synopsis  of  the  distinguished  speaker's 
remarks :  "  Comrades  !  listen  to  your  chief.  You  all  know 
my  position  on  Lecompton.  Where  I  stand  in  regard  to  low 
tolls  on  the  Ohio  Canal  is  equally  clear  to  you,  and  so  with 
the  Central  American  question.  I  believe  I  understand  my 
little  Biz.  I  decline  defining  my  position  on  the  Horse  Rail- 
road until  after  the  Spring  Election.  Whichever  way  I  says 
I  don't  say  so  myself  unless  I  say  so  also.  Comrades !  be 
virtuous  and  you  '11  be  happy."  The  Chief  sat  down  amidst 
great  applause,  and  was  immediately  presented  with  an  elegant 
gold-headed  cane  by  his  comrades,  as  a  slight  testimonial  of 
their  respect. 


CHAFIEB  m. 

"This  is  the  last  of  earth."— Pa^rg. 

"  The  hope  of  America  lies  in  its  well-conducted  school-houses." — Boim, 

**  I  wish  it  to  be  distinctly  understood  that  I  want  the  Union  to  be 
l^eserved."— iV.  T.  Nash. 

**  Sine  qua  non  Ips  Dixit  Quid  pro  quo  cui  bono  Ad  infinitim  E  UnibuB 
plurum. ' ' — Brown. 

Two  hours  later.  Return  we  again  to  the  Banditti's  Cave. 
Revelry  still  holds  high  carnival  among  the  able  and  efficient 
bandits.  A  knock  is  heard  at  the  door.  From  his  throne  at 
the  head  of  the  table  the  Chief  cries  : 

"  Come  in !  " 

And  an  old  man,  haggard,  white-haired,  and  sadly  bent, 
enters  the  cave. 


464  RED  HAND:  A  TALE  OF  REVENGE. 

*' Messieurs,"  he  tremblingly  ejaculates,  "for  seventeen 
years  I  have  not  tasted  of  food  ! " 

"  Well,"  says  a  kind-hearted  bandit,  "  if  that 's  so  I  expect 
you  must  be  rather  faint.  "We  '11  get  you  up  a  warm  meal 
immediately,  stranger." 

"  Hold  ! "  whispered  the  Chief  in  tones  of  thunder,  and 
rushing  slowly  to  the  spot ;  "  this  is  about  played  out.  Be- 
hold in  me  Eed  Hand,  the  Bandit  Chief,  once  Clarence 
Stanley,  whom  you  cruelly  turned  into  a  cold  world  seventeen 
years  ago  this  very  night !  Old  man,  prepare  to  go  up  ! " 
Saying  which  the  Chief  drew  a  sharp  carving-knife  and  cut 
off  Mr  Blinker's  ears.  He  then  scalped  Mr  B.,  and  cut  all  of 
his  toes  off.  The  old  man  struggled  to  extricate  himself  from 
his  unpleasant  situation,  but  was  unsuccessful. 

"  My  goodness  !  "  he  piteously  exclaimed,  "  I  must  say  you 
are  pretty  rough.     It  seems  to  me " 

This  is  all  of  this  intensely  interesting  tale  that  will  be  pub- 
lished in  the  Flain  Dealer.  The  remainder  of  it  may  be  found 
in  the  great  moral  family  paper.  The  Windy  Flash,  published 
in  New  York,  by  Stimpkins.  The  Windy  Flash  circulates 
4,000,000  copies  weekly. 

IT  IS  THE  ALL-FIREDEST  PAPER  EVER  PRINTED.* 
IT  IS  THE  ALL-FIREDEST  PAPER  EVER  PRINTED. 
IT  IS  THE  ALL-FIREDEST  PAPER  EVER  PRINTED. 
IT  IS  THE  ALL-FIREDEST  PAPER  EVER  PRINTED 


IT 'S  THE  CUSSEDEST  BEST  PAPER  IN  THE  WORLD. 
IT  'S  THE  CUSSEDEST  BEST  PAPER  IN  THE  WORLD. 
IT 'S  THE  CUSSEDEST  BEST  PAPER  IN  THE  WORLD. 
IT 'S  THE  CUSSEDEST  BEST  PAPER  IN  THE  WORLD. 


*  A  burlesque  on  the  style  in  which  advertisements  were  set  up  by  one 
of  the  newspapers  of  New  York. 


LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES.  465 

IT 'S  A  MORAL  PAPER. 
IT 'S  A  MORAL  PAPER. 
IT  'S  A  MORAL  PAPER. 
IT'S  A  MORAL  PAPER. 

6/3LD  AT  ALL  THE  CORNER  GROCERIES. 
SOLD  AT  ALL  THE  CORNER  GROCERIES. 
SOLD  AT  ALL  THE  CORNER  GROCERIES. 
SOLD  AT  ALL  THE  CORNER  GROCERIES. 


II. 

THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES — A  DUEL  IN  CLEVELAND — DISTANCE 
TEN  PACES — BLOODY  RESULT — FLIGHT  OP  ONE  OF  THE  PRIN- 
CIPALS— FULL  PARTICULARS. 

A  FEW  weeks  since  a  young  Irishman  named  Culkins  wandered 
into  Cleveland  from  New  York.  He  had  been  in  America  only 
a  short  time.  He  overflowed  with  book  learning,  but  was 
mournfully  ignorant  of  American  customs,  and  as  innocent 
and  confiding  withal  as  the  Babes  in  the  Wood.  He  talked 
much  of  his  family,  their  commanding  position  in  Connaught» 
Ireland,  their  immense  respectability,  their  chivalry,  and  all 
that  sort  of  thing.  He  was  the  only  representative  of  that 
mighty  race  in  this  country.  "I'm  the  last  of  the  Culkinses  ! " 
he  would  frequently  say,  with  a  tinge  of  romantic  sadness, 
meaning,  we  suppose,  that  he  would  be  the  last  when  the  elder 
Culkins  (in  the  admired  language  of  the  classics)  "slipped 
his  wind,"  Young  Culkins  proposed  to  teach  Latin,  Greek, 
Spanish,  Fardown  Irish,  and  perhaps  Choctaw,  to  such  youths 
as  desired  to  become  thorough  linguists.  He  was  not  very 
successful  in  this  line,  and  concluded  to  enter  the  office  of  a 
prominent  law  firm  on  Superior  Street  as  a  student.    He  dove 

2g 


466  THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES. 

among  the  musty  and  ponderous  volumes  with  all  the  enthusi- 
asm of  a  wild  young  Irishman,  and  commenced  cramming  his 
head  with  law  at  a  startling  rate.  He  lodged  in  the  back- 
room of  the  office,  and  previous  to  retiring  he  used  to  sing  the 
favourite  ballads  of  his  own  Emerald  Isle.  The  boy  who  was 
employed  in  the  office  directly  across  the  hall  used  to  go  to 
the  Irishman's  door  and  stick  his  ear  to  the  key-hole  with  a 
view  to  drinking  in  the  gushing  melody  by  the  quart  or  per- 
haps pailful.  This  vexed  Mr  Culkins,  and  considerably  marred 
the  pleasure  of  the  thing,  as  witness  the  following  : — 

"  0  come  to  me  when  daylight  sets. 

[What  yez  doing  at  that  door,  yer  d d  spalpane  ?] 

Sweet,  then  come  to  me  ! 

[I  '11  twist  the  nose  off  yez  presently,  me  honey  !] 

When  softly  glide  our  gondolettes 
[Bedad,  I  '11  do  murther  to  yez,  young  gintlemin !] 
O'er  the  moonlit  sea." 

Of  course,  this  couldn't  continue.  This,  in  short,  was  rather 
more  than  the  blood  of  the  Culkinses  could  stand,  so  the  young 
man,  through  whose  veins  such  a  powerful  lot  of  that  blood 
courses,  sprang  to  the  door,  seized  the  eavesdropping  boy, 
drew  him  within,  and  commenced  to  severely  chastise  him. 
The  boy's  master,  the  gentleman  who  occupied  the  office  across 
the  hall,  here  interfered,  pulled  Mr  Culkins  off,  thrust  him 
gently  against  the  wall,  and  slightly  choked  him.  Mr  Culkins 
bottled  his  furious  wrath  for  that  night,  but  in  the  morning  he 
uncorked  ifc  and  threatened  the  gentleman  (whom  for  con- 
venience sake  we  will  call  Smith)  with  all  sorts  of  vengeance. 
He  obtained  a  small  horsewhip  and  tore  furiously  through  the 
town,  on  the  look-out  for  Smith. 

He  sent  Smith  a  challenge,  couched  in  language  so  scath- 


THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES,  467 

ingly  hot  that  it  burnt  holes  through  the  paper,  and  when  it 
reached  Smith  it  was  riddled  like  an  old  fashioned  milk- 
strainer.  No  notice  was  taken  of  the  challenge,  and  Culkins' 
wrath  became  absolutely  terrific.  He  wrote  handbills,  which 
he  endeavoured  to  have  printed,  posting  Smith  as  a  coward. 
He  wrote  a  communication  for  the  New  Herald^  explaining  the 
whole  matter.  (This  wasn't  very  rich,  we  expect.)  He  urged 
us  to  publish  his  challenge  to  Smith.  Somebody  told  him  that 
Smith  was  intending  to  flee  the  city  in  fear  on  an  afternoon 
train,  and  Culkins  proceeded  to  the  depot,  horsewhip  in  hand, 
to  lie  in  wait  for  him.  This  was  Saturday  last.  During  the 
afternoon  Smith  concluded  to  accept  the  challenge.  Seconds 
and  a  surgeon  were  selected,  and  we  are  mortified  to  state  that 
at  10  o'clock  in  the  evening  Scan  ton's  Bottom  was  desecrated 
with  a  regular  duel.  The  frantic  glee  of  Culkins  when  he 
learned  his  challenge  had  been  accepted  can't  be  described. 
Our  pen  can't  do  it — a  pig-pen  couldn't.  He  wrote  a  long 
letter  to  his  uncle  in  New  York,  and  to  his  father  in  Con- 
naught.  At  about  ten  o'clock  the  party  proceeded  to  the  field. 
The  moon  was  not  up,  the  darkness  was  dense,  the  ground  was 
unpleasantly  moist,  and  the  lights  of  the  town,  which  gleamed 
in  the  distance,  only  made  the  scene  more  desolate  and  dreary. 
The  ground  was  paced  ofl^  and  the  men  arranged.  While  this 
was  being  done,  the  surgeon,  by  the  light  of  a  dark  lantern, 
arranged  his  instruments,  which  consisted  of  1  common  hand- 
saw, 1  hatchet,  1  butcher  knife,  a  large  variety  of  smaller 
knives,  and  a  small  mountain  of  old  rag.  Neither  of  the  prin- 
cipals exhibited  any  fear.  Culkins  insisted  that,  as  the  chal- 
lenging party,  he  had  the  right  to  the  word  fire.  This,  after 
a  bitter  discussion,  was  granted.  He  urged  his  seconds  to 
place  him  facing  towards  the  town,  so  that  the  lights  would  be 
in  his  favour.  This  was  done  without  any  trouble,  the  im- 
mense benefits  of  that  position  not  being  discovered  by  Smith's 
second. 

"  If  I  fall,"  said  Culkins  to  his  second,  *'  see  me  respectably 


468  THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES, 

buried  and  forward  bill  to  Oonnaught.  Believe  me,  it  will  be 
cashed."  The  arms  (horse-pistols)  were  given  to  the  men,  and 
one  of  Culkins'  seconds  said  : 

"  Gentlemen,  are  you  ready  ? " 

Smith. — Eeady. 

Culkins. — Eeady.     The  blood  of  the  Culkinses  is  aroused ! 

Second.— One,  Two,  Three— fire  ! 

Culkins'  pistol  didn't  go  off.     Smith  didn't  fire. 

*'  That  was  generous  in  Smith  not  to  fire,"  said  a  second. 

"  It  was  inDADE,"  said  Culkins  ;  "  I  did  not  think  it  of  the 
low-lived  scoundrel ! " 

The  word  was  again  given.  Crack  went  both  pistols  simul- 
taneously. The  smoke  slowly  cleared  away,  and  the  principals 
were  discovered  standing  stock-still.  The  silence  and  stillness 
for  a  moment  were  awful.  No  one  moved.  Soon  Smith  was 
seen  to  reel  and  then  to  slowly  fall.  His  second  and  the  sur- 
geon  rushed  to  him.  Culkins  made  a  tremendous  efi'ort  to  fl^ 
from  the  field,  but  was  restrained  by  his  seconds. 

"  The  honour  of  the  Culkinses,"  he  roared,  "  is  untarnished — ■ 

why  the  divil  won't  yez  let  me  go  %     H IPs  blazes,  men, 

will  ^tz  be  after  giving  me  over  to  the  bailiffs  ?  Docther, 
Docther  ! "  he  shouted,  "  is  he  mortally  wounded  ] " 

The  doctor  said  he  could  not  tell — that  he  was  wounded  in 
fche  shoulder — that  a  carriage  would  be  sent  for  and  the 
wounded  man  taken  to  his  house.  Here  a  heart-rending  groan 
came  from  Smith,  and  Culkins,  with  a  Donnybrook  shriek, 
burst  from  his  seconds,  knocked  over  the  doctor's  lantern,  and 
fled  towards  the  town  like  greased  lightning  amidst  a  chorus 
of  excited  voices. 

"  Hold  him  ! " 

"Stop  him!" 

"  Grab  him  by  the  coat-tails  !  * 

"Shoot  him!" 

"Head  him  off!" 

And  half  of  the  party  started  after  him  at  an  express-train 


THE  LAST  OF  THE  CULKINSES,  465 

rate.  Tliere  was  some  very  fine  running  indeed.  Culkins  was 
brought  to  a  sudden  stop  against  a  tall  board  fence,  but  he 
sprang  back  and  cleared  it  like  an  English  hunter,  and  tore 
like  a  lunatic  for  the  city.  Half  an  hour  later  the  party  might 
have  been  seen,  if  it  hadn't  been  so  pesky  dark,  groping  blindly 
around  the  office  in  which  Culkins  had  been  a  student  at  law. 

"  Are  you  here,  Culkins  ? "  said  one. 

"  Before  Culkins  answers  that,"  said  a  smothered  voice  in 
the  little  room,  "  tell  me  who  yez  are." 

*'  Friends — your  seconds  ! " 

*'  Gintlemin,  Culkins  is  here.  The  last  of  the  Culkinses  is 
under  the  bed." 

He  was  dragged  out. 

"  I  hope,"  he  said,  "  the  ignoble  wretch  is  not  dead,  but  I 
call  you  to  witness,  gintlemin,  that  he  grossly  insulted  me." 

[We  don't  care  what  folks  say,  but  choking  a  man  is  a  gross 
insult.— Ed.  P.D.] 

He  was  persuaded  to  retire.  There  was  no  danger  of  his 
being  disturbed  that  night,  as  the  watch  were  sleeping  sweetly 
as  usual  in  the  big  arm-chairs  of  the  various  hotels,  and  he 
would  be  able  to  fly  the  city  in  the  morning.  He  had  a  hag- 
gard and  worn-out  look  yesterday  morning.  Two  large  bailiffs, 
he  said,  had  surrounded  the  building  in  the  night,  and  he  had 
not  slept  a  wink.  And  to  add  to  his  discomfiture  his  coat  was 
covered  with  a  variegated  and  moist  mixture,  which  he  thought 
must  be  some  of  the  brains  of  his  opponent,  they  having  spat- 
tered against  him  as  he  passed  the  dying  man  in  his  flight 
from  the  field.  As  Smith  was  not  dead  (though  the  surgeon 
said  he  would  be  confined  to  his  house  for  several  weeks,  and 
there  was  some  danger  of  mortification  setting  in),  Culkins 
wisely  concluded  that  the  mixture  might  be  something  else. 
A.  liberal  purse  was  made  up  for  him,  and  at  an  early  hour 
yesterday  morning  the  last  of  the  Culkinses  went  down  St 
Clair  Street  on  a  smart  trot.  He  took  this  morning's  Lake- 
shore  express  train  at  some  way-station,  and  is  now  on  his 


+70        HOn^  OLD  ABE  RECEIVED  THE  NEWS. 

way  to  New  York.  The  most  astonishing  thing  about  the 
tvhole  affair  is  the  appearance  on  the  street  to-day,  apparently 
well  and  unhurt,  of  the  gentleman  who  was  so  badly  "  wounded 
in  the  shoulder."     But  a  duel  was  actually  "  fit." 


III. 

HOW  OLD  ABE  RECEIVED  THE  NEWS  OF  HIS  NOMINATION. 

There  are  several  reports  afloat  as  to  how  "  Honest  Old  Abe  " 
received  the  news  of  his  nomination,  none  of  which  are  correct. 
VYe  give  the  correct  report. 

The  Official  Committee  arrived  in  Springfield  at  dewy  eve, 
and  weut  to  Honest  Old  Abe's  house.  Honest  Old  Abe  was 
not  in.  Mrs  Honest  Old  Abe  said  Honest  Old  Abe  was  out 
in  the  woods  splitting  rails.  So  the  Ofiicial  Committee  went 
out  into  the  wood,  where  sure  enough  they  found  Honest  Old 
Abe  splitting  rails  with  his  two  boys.  It  was  a  grand,  a  mag- 
nificent spectacle.  There  stood  Honest  Old  Abe  in  his  shirt- 
sleeves, a  pair  of  leather  home-made  suspenders  holding  up  a 
pair  of  home-made  pantaloons,  the  seat  of  which  was  neatly 
patched  with  substantial  cloth  of  a  diff'erent  colour. 

"  Mr  Lincoln,  sir,  you  've  been  nominated,  sir,  for  the 
highest  office,  sir " 

"  Oh,  don't  bother  me,"  said  Honest  Old  Abe ;  "  I  took  a 
stent  this  mornin  to  split  three  million  rails  afore  night,  and  I 
don't  want  to  be  pestered  with  no  stuff"  about  no  Conventions 
till  I  get  my  stent  done.  I  've  only  got  two  hundred  thousand 
rails  to  split  before  sundown.  I  kin  do  it  if  you'll  let  me 
alone." 

And  the  great  man  went  right  on  splitting  rails,  paying  no 
attention  to  the  Committee  whatever.     The  Committee  were 


ROBERTO  THE  ROVER,  47i 

lost  in  arlmiration  for  a  few  moments,  when  they  recovered, 
and  asked  one  of  Honest  Old  Abe's  boys  whose  boy  he  was  % 

"  I  'm  my  parents'  boy,"  shouted  the  urchin,  which  burst  of 
wit  so  convulsed  the  Committee  that  they  came  very  near 
*  gin'in  eout '  completely. 

In  a  few  moments  Honest  Old  Abe  finished  his  task,  and 
received  the  news  with  perfect  self-possession.  He  then  asked 
them  up  to  the  house,  where  he  received  them  cordially.  He 
Baid  he  split  three  million  rails  every  day,  although  he  was 
in  very  poor  health.  Mr  Lincoln  is  a  jovial  man,  and  has  a 
keen  sense  of  the  ludicrous.  During  the  evening  he  asked  Mr 
Evarts  of  New  York,  **  Why  Chicago  was  like  a  hen  crossing 
tlie  street?"  Mr  Evarts  gave  it  up.  "Because,"  said  Mr 
Lincoln,  "  Old  Grimes  is  dead,  that  good  old  man ! "  This 
exceedingly  humorous  thing  created  the  most  uproarious 
laughter. 


IV. 

ROBERTO  THE  ROVER!   A  TALE  OF  SEA  AND  SHORE. 

CHAPTER  I. — FRANCE. 

Our  story  opens  in  the  early  part  of  the  year  17 — .  France 
was  rocking  wildly  from  centre  to  circumference.  The  arch 
despot  and  unscrupulous  man,  Richard  the  HI.,  was  trembling 
like  an  aspen  leaf  upon  his  throne.  He  had  been  successful, 
through  the  valuable  aid  of  Richelieu  and  Sir  Wm.  Donn,  in 
destroying  the  Orleans  Dysentery,  but  still  he  trembled ! 
O'Mulligan,  the  snake-eater  of  Ireland,  and  Schnappsgoot  of 
Holland,  a  retired  dealer  in  gin  and  sardines,  had  united  their 
forces — some  nineteen  men  and  a  brace  of  bull  pups  in  all — 
and  were  overtly  at  work,  their  object  being  to  oust  the 
tyrant.  O'Mulligan  was  a  young  man  between  fifty-three 
years  of  age,  and  was  chiefly  distinguished  for  being  the  bob 


472  ROBERTO  THE  ROVER: 

of  his  aunt  on  his  great-grandfather's  side.  Schnappsgoot  was 
a  man  of  liberal  education,  having  passed  three  weeks  at 
Oberlin  College.  He  was  a  man  of  great  hardihood,  also,  and 
would  frequently  read  an  entire  column  of  *'  railway  matters  " 
in  the  Cleveland  Herald  without  shrieking  with  agony. 


CHAPTER  II. — THE  KINO. 

The  tyrant  Eichard  the  III.  (late  Mr  Gloster)  sat  upon  his 
throne  in  the  Palace  d'  St  Cloud.  He  was  dressed  in  his  best 
clothes,  and  gorgeous  trappings  surrounded  him  everywhere. 
Courtiers,  in  glittering  and  golden  armour,  stood  ready  at  his 
beck.  He  sat  moodily  for  a  while,  when  suddenly  his  sword 
flashed  from  its  silvern  scabbard,  and  he  shouted  : 

"  Slaves,  some  wine,  ho  ! '' 

The  words  had  scarcely  escaped  his  lips  ere  a  bucket  of 
champagne  and  a  hoe  were  placed  before  him. 

As  the  King  raised  the  bucket  to  his  lips,  a  deep  voice  near 
by,  proceeding  from  the  mouth  of  the  noble  Count  Staghisnibs, 
cried,  "  Drink  hearty,  old  feller." 

"  Eeports,  travelling  on  lightning- wings,  whisper  of  strange 
goings  on  and  cuttings  up  throughout  this  kingdom.  Knowest 
thou  aught  of  these  things,  most  noble  Hellitysplit  ? "  and  the 
King  drew  from  the  upper  pocket  of  his  gold-faced  vest  a  paper 
of  John  Anderson's  solace  and  proceeded  to  take  a  chaw. 

"  Treason  stalks  monster-like  throughout  unhappy  France, 
my  liege  ! "  said  the  noble  Hellitysplit.  The  ranks  of  the  P. 
Q.  E.'s  are  daily  swelling,  and  the  G.  E.  J.  A.'s  are  constantly 
on  the  increase.  Already  the  peasantry  scout  at  cat-fish,  and 
demand  pickled  salmon  for  their  noonday  repasts.  But,  my 
liege,"  and  the  brave  Hellitysplit's  eyes  flashed  fire,  "  myself 
and  sword  are  at  thy  command  ! " 

"  Bully  for  you,  Count,"  said  the  King.  "  But  soft :  me- 
thinks  report— perchance  unjustly — hast  spoken  suspiciously 


A  TALE  OF  SEA  AND  ^HORE.  '       473 

of  thee,  most  Koyal  d'  Sardine  1  How  is  this  ?  Is  it  a  news- 
paper  yarn  ?    What  's  up  1 " 

D'Sardine  meekly  approached  the  throne,  knelt  at  the  King's 
feet,  and  said  :  "  Most  patient,  gray,  and  red-headed  skinner ; 
my  very  approved  shin-plaster  :  that  I  've  been  asked  to  drink 
by  the  P.  Q.  E/s,  it  is  most  true  ;  true,  I  have  imbibed  sundry 
mugs  of  lager  with  them.  The  very  head  and  front  of  my 
offending  hath  this  extent,  no  more." 

"  'Tis  well ! "  said  the  King,  rising  and  looking  fiercely 
around.  Hadst  thou  proved  false  I  would  with  my  own  good 
sword  have  cut  off  yer  head,  and  spilled  your  ber-lud  all  over 
the  floor  !     If  I  wouldn't  blow  me  ! " 

CHAPTER  in. — THE  EOVEB. 

Thrilling  as  these  scenes  depicted  in  the  preceding  chapter 
indubitably  were,  those  of  this  are  decidedly  thrillinger. 
Again  are  we  in  the  mighty  presence  of  the  King,  and  again 
is  he  surrounded  by  splendour  ind  gorgeously-mailed  courtiers. 
A  seafaring  man  stands  before  him.  It  is  Roberto  the  Rover, 
disguised  as  a  common  sailor. 

"  So,"  said  the  King,  "  thou  wouldst  have  audience  with  me  !" 

"Ay,  ay,  yer  'onor,"  said  the  sailor,  "just  tip  us  yer 
grapplin  irons  and  pipe  all  hands  on  deck.  Reef  home  yer 
jibpoop  and  splice  yer  main  topsuls.  Man  the  jibboom  and 
let  fly  yer  top-gallunts.  I've  seen  some  salt  water  in  my 
days,  yer  land  lubber,  but  shiver  my  timbers  if  I  hadn't  rathef 
coast  among  seagulls  than  landsharks.  My  name  is  Sweet 
William.  You  're  old  Dick  the  Three  !  Ahoy  !  Awast ! 
Dam  my  eyes  ! "  and  Sweet  William  pawed  the  marble  floor 
and  swung  his  tarpaulin  after  the  manner  of  sailors  on  the. 
stage,  and  consequently  not  a  bit  like  those  on  shipboard. 

"  Mariner,"  said  the  King,  gravely,  ''  thy  language  is  ex- 
ceeding lucid,  and  leads  me  to  infer  that  things  is  workin  bad." 

"  Ay,   ay,  my  hearty  ! "   yelled  Sweet  William,  in  dulcet 


474  ROBERTO  THE  ROVER. 

strains,  reminding  the  King  of  the  "  voluptuous  smell  of 
physic,"  spoken  of  by  the  late  Mr  Byron. 

"  What  wouldst  thou,  seafaring  man  ? "  asked  the  King. 

"  This  !  "  cried  the  Eover,  suddenly  taking  off  his  maritime 
clothing  and  putting  on  an  expensive  suit  of  silk,  bespangled 
with  diamonds — "  This  !  I  am  Eoberto  the  Rover  I " 

The  King  was  thunderstruck.  Cowering  back  in  his  chair 
of  state,  he  said  in  a  tone  of  mingled  fear  and  amazement, 
"  Well,  may  I  be  gaul-darned  ! " 

"Ber-lud!  ber-lud  !  ber-lud!"  shrieked  the  Eover,  as  he 
drew  a  horse-pistol  and  fired  it  at  the  King,  who  fell  fatally 
killed,  his  last  words  being,  "  We  are  governed  too  much — 

THIS  IS  THE  LAST  OF  EARTH  !  !  ! " 

At  this  exciting  juncture  Messrs  O'Mulligan  and  Schnapps- 
goot  (who  had  previously  entered  into  a  copartnership  with 
the  Rover  for  the  purpose  of  doing  a  general  killing  business) 
burst  into  the  room  and  cut  off  the  heads  and  let  out  the  in- 
wards of  all  the  noblemen  they  encountered.  They  then 
killed  themselves  and  died  like  heroes,  wrapped  up  in  the 
Star-Spangled  Banner,  to  slow  music. 

The  Rover  fled.  He  was  captured  near  Marseilles  and 
thrust  into  prison,  where  he  lay  for  sixteen  weary  years,  all 
attempts  to  escape  being  futile.  One  night  a  lucky  thought 
struck  him.  He  raised  the  window  and  got  out.  But  he  was 
Hnhappy.  Remorse  and  dyspepsia  preyed  upon  his  vitals. 
He  tried  Boerhave's  Holland  Bitters  and  the  Retired  Physi- 
cian's Sands  of  Life,  and  got  well.  He  then  married  the 
lovely  Countess  d'  Smith,  and  lived  to  a  green  old  age,  being 
the  triumph  of  virtue  and  downfall  of  vice. 


ABOUT  EDITORS.  475 

V. 

ABOUT  EDITORS. 

We  hear  a  great  deal,  and  something  too  much,  about  the 
poverty  of  editors.  It  is  common  for  editors  to  parade 
their  poverty  and  joke  about  it  in  their  papers.*  We  see 
these  witticisms  ahnost  every  day  of  our  lives.  Sometimes  the 
editor  does  the  "  vater  vorks  business,"  as  Mr  Samuel  Weller 
called  weeping,  and  makes  pathetic  appeals  to  his  subscribers. 
Sometimes  he  is  in  earnest  when  he  makes  these  appeals,  but 
why  "  on  airth  "  does  he  stick  to  a  business  that  will  not  sup- 
port him  decently?  AVe  read  of  patriotic  and  lofty-minded 
individuals  who  sacrifice  health,  time,  money,  and  perhaps 
life,  for  the  good  of  humanity,  the  Union,  and  that  sort  of 
thing,  but  we  don't  see  them  very  often.  We  must  say  that 
we  could  count  up  all  the  lofty  patriots  in  this  line  that  we 
have  ever  seen,  during  our  brief  but  chequered  and  romantic 
career,  in  less  than  half  a  day.  A  man  who  clings  to  a 
wretchedly  papng  business,  when  he  can  make  himself  and 
others  near  and  dear  to  him  fatter  and  happier  by  doing 
something  else,  is  about  as  near  an  ass  as  possible,  and  not 
lianker  after  green  grass  and  corn  in  the  ear.  The  truth  is, 
editors  as  a  class  are  very  well  fed,  groomed  and  harnessed. 
They  have  some  pains  that  other  folk  do  not  have,  and  they 
alf^o  have  some  privileges  which  the  community  in  general 
can't  possess.  While  we  would  not  advise  the  young  reader 
to  "  go  for  an  editor,"  we  assure  him  he  can  do  much  worse. 
He  musn'ii  spoil  a  flourishing  blacksmith  or  popular  victualler 
in  making  an  indifferent  editor  of  himself,  however.     He  must 

*  Western  editors  are  apt  to  make  their  impecuniosity  a  matter  of  joke. 
Whenever  the  editor  of  a  newspaper  in  a  small  town  of  the  Far  West  has 
nothing  better  to  fill  up  a  column  with,  he  resorts  to  the  topic  ever  upper- 
most in  his  mind,  and  reminds  his  subscribers  how  desirable  it  is  that  thej 
should  pay  up  their  subscriptions. 


^76  EDITING. 

be  endowed  with  some  fancy  and  imagination  to  enchain  the 
public  eye.  It  was  Smith,  we  believe,  or  some  other  man  with 
an  odd  name,  who  thought  Shakspeare  lacked  the  requisite 
fancy  and  imagination  for  a  successful  editor. 

To  those  persons  who  can't  live  by  printing  papers  we  would 
say,  in  the  language  of  the  profligate  boarder  when  dunned  for 
his  bill,  being  told  at  the  same  time  by  the  keeper  of  the  house 
that  he  couldn't  board  people  for  nothing,  "  Then  sell  out  to 
somebody  who  can ! "  In  other  words,  fly  from  a  business 
which  don't  remunerate.  But  as  we  intimated  before,  there 
is  much  gammon  in  the  popular  editorial  cry  of  poverty. 

Just  now  we  see  a  touching  paragraph  floating  through  the 
papers  to  the  eff'ect  that  editors  don't  live  out  half  theii-  years  \ 
tiiat,  poor  souls !  they  wear  themselves  out  for  the  benefit  of 
a  cold  and  unappreciating  world.  We  don't  believe  it.  Gentle 
reader,  don't  swallow  it.  It  is  a  footlight  trick  to  work  on 
your  feelings.  For  ourselves,  let  us  say,  that  unless  we  slip 
up  considerably  on  our  calculations,  it  will  be  a  long  time  be- 
fore our  fellow-citizens  will  have  the  melancholy  pleasure  of 
erecting  to  our  memory  a  towering  monument  of  Parian  marble 
on  the  Public  Square. 


VL 

EDITING. 


Before  you  go  for  an  Editor,  young  man,  pause  and  take  a 
big  think  !  Do  not  rush  into  the  editorial  harness  rashly. 
Look  around  and  see  if  there  is  not  an  omnibus  to  drive — some 
soil  somewhere  to  be  tilled — a  clerkship  on  some  meat  cart  to 
be  filled — anything  that  is  reputable  and  healthy,  rather  than 
going  for  an  Editor,  which  is  hard  business  at  best. 

We  are  not  a  horse,  and  consequently  have  never  been  called 
upon  to  furnish  the  motive  power  for  a  threshing-machine  j 


EDITING.  477 

but  we  fancy  that  the  life  of  the  Editor  who  is  forced  to  write, 
write,  write,  whether  he  feels  right  or  not,  is  much  like  that  of 
the  steed  in  qua^tion.  If  the  yeas  and  neighs  could  be  ob- 
tained, we  believe  the  intelligent  horse  would  decide  that  the 
threshing-machine  is  preferable  to  the  sanctum  editorial. 

The  Editor's  work  is  never  done.  He  is  drained  incessantly, 
and  no  wonder  that  he  dries  up  prematurely.  Other  people 
can  attend  banquets,  weddings,  &c. ;  visit  halls  of  dazzling 
light,  get  inebriated,  break  windows,  lick  a  man  occasionally, 
and  enjoy  themselves  in  a  variety  of  ways ;  but  the  Editor 
cannot.  He  must  stick  tenaciously  to  his  quill.  The  press, 
like  a  sick  baby,  mustn't  be  left  alone  for  a  minute.  If  the 
press  is  left  to  run  itself  even  for  a  day,  some  absurd  person 
indignantly  orders  the  carrier-boy  to  stop  bringing  "that  in- 
fernal paper.  There's  nothing  in  it.  I  won't  have  it  in  the 
house ! " 

The  elegant  Mantalini,  reduced  to  mangle- turning,  described 
his  life  as  "a  dem'd  horrid  grind."  The  life  of  the  Editor  is 
all  of  that. 

But  there  is  a  good  time  coming,  we  feel  confident,  for  the 
Editor.  A  time  when  he  will  be  appreciated.  When  he  will 
have  a  front  seat.  When  he  will  have  pie  every  day,  and  wear 
store  clothes*  continually.  When  the  harsh  cry  of  "  stop  my 
paper  "  will  no  more  grate  upon  his  ears.  Courage,  Messieurs 
the  Editors  !  Still,  sanguine  as  we  are  of  the  coming  of  this 
jolly  time,  we  advise  the  aspirant  for  editorial  honours  to  pause 
ere  he  takes  up  the  quill  as  a  means  of  obtaining  his  bread  and 
butter.  Do  not,  at  least,  do  so  until  you  have  been  jilted 
several  dozen  times  by  a  like  number  of  girls ;  until  you  have 
been  knocked  down-stairs  several  times  and  soused  in  a  horse- 
pond  ;  until  all  the  "  gushing  "  feelings  within  you  have  been 
thoroughly  subdued  ;  until,  in  short,  your  hide  is  of  rhinoceros 
thickness.     Then,  O  aspirants  for  the  bubble  reputation  at  the 

•  Siort  cZof^c*.— Ready-made  garments  are  bo  called  in  the  States. 


478  POPULARITY, 

press's  mouth,  throw  yourselves  among  the  inkpots,  dust,  and 
cobwebs  of  the  printing  office,  if  you  will. 

*  *  *  Good  my  lord,  will  you  see  the  Editors  well  be- 
stowed? Do  you  hear,  let  them  be  well  used,  for  they  are  the 
abstract  and  brief  chroniclers  of  the  time.  After  your  death 
you  had  better  have  a  bad  epitaph  than  their  ill  report  while 
you  live.  Hamlet,  sUglitly  altered. 


VIL 

POPULARITY. 


WiiAT  a  queer  thing  is  popularity !  Bill  Pug  Nose  of  the 
"Plug-Uglies"*  acquires  a  world-wide  reputation  by  smashing 
up  the  "  champion  of  light  weights,"  sets  up  a  Saloon  upon  it, 
and  realises  the  first  month ;  while  our  Missionary,  who  col- 
lected two  hundred  blankets  last  August,  and  at  that  time 
saved  a  like  number  of  little  negroes  in  the  West  Indies  from 
freezing,  has  received  nothing  but  the  yellow  fever.  The  Hon. 
Oracular  M.  Matterson  becomes  able  to  withstand  any  quantity 
of  late  nights  and  bad  brandy,  is  elected  to  Congress,  and  lob- 
bies through  contracts  by  which  he  realises  some  50,000  dol- 
lars; while  private  individuals  lose  100,000  dollars  by  the 
Atlantic  Cable.  Contracts  are  popular  —  the  cable  isn't. 
Fiddlers,  Prima  Donnas,  Horse  Operas,  learned  pigs,  and  five- 
iegged  calves  travel  through  the  country,  reaping  "  golden 
opinions,"  while  editors,  inventors,  professors,  and  humani- 
tarians generally,  are  starving  in  garrets.  Eevivals  of  religion, 
fashions,  summer  resorts,  and  pleasure  trips,  are  exceedingly 
popular,  while  trade,  commerce,  chloride  of  lime,  and  all  the 
concomitants  necessary  to  render  the  inner  Hfe  of  denizens  of 

*  Plug-Uglies. — The  name  given  to  an  infamous  gang  of  ruffians  whicl; 
ouce  had  its  head-quarters  in  Baltimore. 


A  LITTLE  DIFFICULTY  IN  THE  WAY,         479 

cities  tolerable,  are  decidedly  non  est.  Even  water,  which  was 
80  popular  and  populous  a  few  weeks  agone,  comes  to  us  in 
such  stinted  sprinklings  that  it  has  become  popular  to  supply- 
it  only  from  hydrants  in  sufficient  quantities  to  raise  one 
hundred  disgusting  smells  in  a  distance  of  two  blocks. 
Monsieur  Revierre,  vAt\\  nothing  but  a  small  name  and  a  large 
quantity  of  hair,  makes  himself  exceedingly  popular  with 
hotelkeepers  and  a  numerous  progeny  of  female  Flaunts  and 
Blounts,  while  Felix  Smooth  and  Mr  Chink,  who  persistently 
set  forth  their  personal  and  more  substantial  marital  charms 
through  the  columns  of  the  New  York  Herald^  have  only  re- 
ceived one  interview  each — one  from  a  man  in  female  attire, 
and  the  other  from  the  keeper  of  an  unmentionable  house. 
Popularity  is  a  queer  thing,  very.  If  you  don't  believe  us, 
try  it  I 


VIII. 

A  LITTLE  DIFFICULTY  IN  THE  WAY. 

An  enterprising  travelling  agent  for  a  well-known  Cleveland 
Tombstone  Manufactory  lately  made  a  business  visit  to  a  small 
town  in  an  adjoining  county.  Hearing,  in  the  village,  that  a 
man  in  a  remote  part  of  the  township  had  lost  his  wife,  he 
thought  he  would  go  and  see  him,  and  offer  him  consolation 
and  a  gravestone,  on  his  usual  reasonable  terms.  He  started. 
The  road  was  a  frightful  one,  but  the  agent  persevered,  and 
finally  arrived  at  the  bereaved  man's  house.  Bereaved  man's 
hired  girl  told  the  agent  that  the  bereaved  man  was  splitting 
fence  rails  "  over  in  the  pastur,  about  two  milds."  The  inde- 
fatigable agent  hitched  his  horse  and  started  for  the  "  pastur." 
After  falling  into  all  manner  of  mudholes,  scratching  himself 
with  briers,  and  tumbling  over  decayed  logs,  the  agent  at 
length  found  the  bereaved  man.     In  a  subdued  voice  he  asked 


48o  OTHELLO, 

tlie  man  if  he  had  lost  his  wife.  The  man  said  he  had.  The 
agent  was  7ery  sorry  to  hear  of  it,  and  sympathised  with  the 
man  very  deeply  in  his  great  affliction ;  but  death,  he  said, 
was  an  insatiate  archer,  and  shot  down  all,  both  of  high  and 
low  desrree.     Informed  the  man  that  "  what  was  his  loss  was 

o 

her  gain,"  and  would  be  glad  to  sell  him  a  gravestone  to  mark 
the  spot  where  the  beloved  one  slept — marble  or  common 
stone,  as  he  chose,  at  prices  defying  competition.  The  bereaved 
man  said  there  was  "  a  little  difficulty  in  the  way." 

"  Haven't  you  lost  your  wife?"  inquired  the  agent. 

"  Why,  yes,  I  have,"  said  the  man,  "  but  no  gravestun  ain*t 
necessary :   you   see   the   cussed   critter  ain't  dead.      She  's 

SCOOTED  WITH  ANOTHER  MAN  !" 

The  agent  retired. 


IX. 

OTHELLO. 

Everybody  knows  that  this  is  one  of  Mr  W.  Shakspeare's 
best  and  most  attractive  plays.  The  public  is  more  familiar 
with  Othello  than  any  other  of  "  the  great  Bard's  "  eflforts.  It 
is  the  most-quoted  from  by  writers  and  orators,  Hamlet  pernaps 
excepted,  and  provincial  theatres  seem  to  take  more  delight  in 
doing  it  than  almost  any  other  play  extant,  legitimate  or  other- 
wise. The  scene  is  laid  in  Venice.  Othello,  a  warm-hearted, 
impetuous,  and  rather  verdant  Moorish  gentleman,  consider- 
ably in  the  military  line,  falls  in  love  and  marries  Desdemona, 
daughter  of  the  Hon.  Mr  Brabantio,  who  represents  one  of  the 
"  back  districts"  in  the  Venetian  Senate.  The  Senator  is  quite 
vexed  at  this — rends  his  linen  and  swears  considerably — but 
finally  dries  up,  requesting  the  Moor  to  remember  that  Desde- 
mona has  deceived  her  Pa,  and  bidding  him  to  look  out  that 
she  don't  .ikewise  come  it  over  him,  "  or  words  to  that  effect." 


OTHELLO.  481 

Mr  and  Mrs  Othello  get  along  very  pleasantly  for  a  while.  She 
is  sweet-tempered  and  affectionate — a  nice,  sensible  woman, 
not  at  all  inclined  to  pantaloons,  he-female  conventions,  pickled- 
beets,  and  other  "strong-minded"  arrangements.  He  is  a 
likely  man  and  "a  good  provider."  But  a  man  named  lago, 
who,  we  believe,  wants  to  get  Mr  O.  out  of  his  snug  govern- 
ment berth  that  he  may  get  into  it,  systematically  and  effec- 
tually ruins  the  Othello  household.  Had  there  been  a  Lecomp- 
ton  Constitution  up,  lago  would  have  been  an  able  and  eloquent 
advocate  of  it,  and  would  thus  have  got  Othello's  position,  for 
the  Moor  would  have  utterly  repudiated  that  pet  scheme  of 
the  Devil  and  several  other  gentlemen,  whose  names  we  omit 
out  of  regard  for  the  feelings  of  their  parents.  Lecompton 
wasn't  a  "  test,"  however,  and  lago  took  another  course  to  oust 
Othello.  He  fell  in  with  a  brainless  young  man  named  Eode- 
rigo,  and  won  all  of  his  money  at  euchre.  (lago  always  played 
fouL)  We  suppose  he  did  this  to  procure  funds  to  help  him 
carry  out  his  vile  scheme.  Michael  Cassio,  whose  first  name 
would  imply  that  he  was  of  the  Irish  persuasion,  was  the  un- 
fortunate individual  selected  by  Mr  I.  as  his  principal  tool. 
This  Cassio  was  a  young  officer  of  considerable  promise  and 
high  moral  worth.  He  yet  unhappily  had  a  weakness  for 
drink,  and  through  this  weakness  Mr  I.  determined  to  "  fetch 
him."  He  accordingly  proposed  a  drinking  bout  with  Michael. 
Michael  drank  faithfully  every  time,  but  lago  adroitly  threw 
his  whisky  on  the  floor.  While  Cassio  is  pouring  the  liquor 
down  his  throat  lago  sings  a  popular  bacchanalian  song,  the 
first  verse  of  which  is  as  follows  : — 

"  And  let  me  the  canakin  clink,  clink, 
And  let  me  the  canakin  clink : 

A  soldier's  a  man, 

A  life's  but  a  span, 
Why,  then,  let  a  soldier  drink.** 

And  the  infatuated  young  man  does  drink.     The  "  canakin  \i 

2n 


482  OTHELLO. 

clinked"  until  Michael  gets  tight  as  a  boiled  owl.*  He  has 
about  seven  inches  of  whisky  in  him.  He  says  he  is  sober,  and 
thinks  he  can  walk  a  crack  with  distinguished  success.  He 
then  grows  religious  and  "  hopes  to  be  saved."  Pie  then  wants 
to  fight,  and  allows  he  can  lick  a  yard  full  of  the  Venetian 
fancy.  He  falls  in  with  Eoderigo  and  proceeds  to  smash  him. 
Montano  undertakes  to  stop  Cassio,  when  that  intoxicated 
person  stabs  him.  lago  pretends  to  be  very  sorry  to  see 
Michael  conduct  himself  in  this  improper  manner,  and  under- 
takes to  smooth  the  thing  over  to  Othello,  who  rushes  in  with 
a  drawn  sword  and  wants  to  know  what 's  up.  lago  cunningly 
gives  his  villainous  explanation,  and  Othello  tells  Michael  that 
he  loves  him,  but  he  can't  train  in  his  regiment  any  more. 
Desdemona,  the  gentle  and  good,  sympathises  with  Cassio,  and 
intercedes  for  him  with  the  Moor.  lago  gives  the  Moor  to 
understand  that  she  does  this  because  she  likes  Michael  better 
than  she  does  his  own  dark-faced  self,  and  intimates  that  their 
relations  (Desdemona's  and  Michael's)  are  of  an  entirely  too 
friendly  character.  The  Moor  believes  the  villain's  yarn,  and 
commences  making  himself  unhappy  and  disagreeable  gene- 
rally, lago  tells  Othello  what  he  heard  Cassio  say  about 
"  sweet  Desdemona"  in  his  dreams,  but  of  course  the  story  was 
a  creation  of  lago's  fruitful  brain — in  short,  a  lie.  The  poor 
Moor  swallows  it,  though,  and  storms  terribly.  He  grabs  lago 
by  the  throat,  and  tells  him  to  give  him  the  ocular  proof, 
lago  becomes  virtuously  indignant,  and  is  sorry  he  mentioned 
the  subject  to  the  Moor.  The  Moor  relents  and  believes  lago. 
He  then  tortures  Desdemona  with  his  foul  suspicions,  and 
finally  smothers  her  with  a  pillow  while  she  is  in  bed.  Mrs 
lago,  who  is  a  woman  of  spirit,  comes  in  on  the  Moor  just  as 
he  has  finished  the  murder.  She  gives  it  to  him  right  smartly, 
and  shows  him  he  has  been  terribly  deceived.  Mr  lago  enters. 
Mrs  lago  pitches  into  him,  and  he  stabs  her.  Othello  gives 
him  a  piece  of  his  mind  and  subsequently  a  piece  of  his  sword. 
*  TigTd  a&  a  toiled  owl. — In  other  words,  thoroughly  in  toxica  tod. 


SCENES  OUTSIDE  THE  FAIR  GROUND.        483 

lago,  with  a  sardonic  smile,  says  he  bleeds,  but  isn't  hurt 
much.  He  then  walks  up  to  Othello,  and  with  another  sar- 
donic smile,  points  to  the  death-couch  of  poor  Desdemona. 
He  then  goes  oflf.  Othello  tells  the  assembled  dignitaries  that 
he  has  done  the  State  some  service,  and  they  know  it ;  asks 
them  to  speak  of  him  as  he  is,  and  do  as  fair  a  thing  as  they 
can  under  the  circumstances ;  calls  himself  a  circumcised  dog, 
and  kills  himself,  which  is  the  most  sensible  thing  he  can  do. 


SCENES  OUTSIDE  THE  FAIR  GROUND. 

There  is  some  fun  outside  the  Fair  Ground.  Any  number  of 
mountebanks  have  pitched  their  tents  there,  and  are  exhibiting 
all  sorts  of  monstrosities  to  large  and  enthusiastic  audiences. 
There  are  some  eloquent  men  among  the  showmen.  Some  of 
them  are  Demosthenic.  "We  looked  around  among  them 
during  the  last  day  we  honoured  the  Fair  with  our  brilliant 
presence,  and  were  rather  pleased  at  some  things  we  heard 
and  witnessed. 

The  man  with  the  fat  woman  and  the  little  woman  and  the 
little  man  was  there. 

"  'Ere 's  a  show,  now,"  said  he,  "  worth  seeing.  'Ere 's  a  en- 
tertainment that  improves  the  morals.  P.  T.  Bamum — you  've 
all  hearn  0'  him.  What  did  he  say  to  me  ?  Sez  he  to  me,  sez  P. 
T.  Bamum,  '  Sir,  you  have  the  all-firedest  best  show  travelin  ! ' 
— and  all  to  be  seen  for  the  small  sum  of  fifteen  cents  ! " 

The  man  with  the  blue  hog  was  there.  Says  he,  "  Gentle 
MEN,  this  beast  can't  turn  round  in  a  crockery  grate  ten  feet 
square,  and  is  of  a  bright  indigo  blue.  Over  five  hundred 
persons  have  seen  this  wonderful  BEING  this  mornin,  and  they 
said  as  they  come  out,  *  What  can  these  'ere  things  be  %  Is  it 
alive  I    Doth  it  breathe  and  have  a  being  ?    Ah  yes,  they  Bay, 


4H        SCENES  OUTSIDE  THE  FAIR  GROUND. 

it  is  true,  and  we  have  saw  a  entertainment  as  we  never  saw 
afore.  'Tis  nature's  [only  fifteen  cents — 'ere's  your  change, 
sir]  own  sublime  handiworks ' — and  walk  right  in." 

The  man  with  the  wild  mare  was  there. 

"  Now,  then,  my  friends,  is  your  time  to  see  the  gerratist 
queeriosity  in  the  livin'  world — a  wild  mare  without  no  hair — 
captered  on  the  roarin  wild  prahayries  of  the  far  distant  West 
by  sixteen  Injuns.  Don't  fail  to  see  this  gerrate  exhibition. 
Only  fifteen  cents.  Don't  go  hum  without  seein  the  State 
Fair,  an'  you  won't  see  the  State  Fair  without  you  see  my 
show.  Gerratist  exhibition  in  the  known  world,  an'  all  for  the 
small  siim  of  fifteen  cents." 

Two  gentlemen  connected  with  the  press  here  walked  up  and 
asked  the  showman,  in  a  still  small  voice,  if  he  extended  the 
usual  courtesies  to  editors.  He  said  he  did,  and  requested 
them  to  go  in.  While  they  were  in  some  sly  dog  told  him 
their  names.  When  they  came  out  the  showman  pretended 
jO  talk  with  them,  though  he  didn't  say  a  word.  They  were 
evidently  in  a  hurry. 

"There,  gentleMEN,  what  do  you  think  them  gentlemen 

day  ?   They  air  editors — editors,  gentleMEN — Mr of  the 

Cleveland ,  and  Mr of  the  Detroit ,  and 

they  say  it  is  the  gerratist  show  they  ever  seed  in  their  born 
days ! " 

[Nothing  but  the  tip  ends  of  the  editors'  coat-tails  could  be 
seen  when  the  showman  concluded  this  speech.] 

A  smart- looking  chap  was  doing  a  brisk  business  with  a 
gambhng  contrivance.  Seeing  two  policemen  approach,  he 
rapidly  and  ingeniously  covered  the  dice  up,  mounted  his 
table,  and  shouted  : 

"  Ere 's  the  only  great  show  on  the  grounds  !  The  highly- 
trained  and  performing  Mud  Turtle  with  nine  heads  and 
seventeen  tails,  captured  in  a  well-fortified  hencoop,  after  a 
desperate  struggle,  in  the  lowlands  of  the  Wabash  I ! " 

The  facetious  wretch  escaped. 


SCENES  OUTSIDE  THE  FAIR  GROUND.        485 

A  grave,  ministerial-looking  and  elderly  man  in  a  white 
ehoker  had  a  gift-enterprise  concern.  "  My  friends,"  he 
solemnly  said,  "  you  will  observe  that  this  jewellery  is  elegant 
indeed,  but  I  can  afford  to  give  it  away,  as  I  have  a  twin 
brother  seven  years  older  than  I  am,  in  New  York  City,  who 
steals  it  a  great  deal  faster  than  I  can  give  it  away.  No 
blanks,  my  friends — all  prizes — and  only  fifty  cents  a  chance. 
I  don't  make  anything  myself,  my  friends — all  I  get  goes  to 
aid  a  sick  woman — my  aunt  in  the  country,  gentlemen — and 
besides  I  like  to  see  folks  enjoy  themselves  ! " 

The  old  scamp  said  all  tliis  with  a  perfectly  grave  coun- 
tenance. 

The  man  with  the  "  wonderful  calf  with  five  legs  and  a 
huming  head,"  and  "  the  philosophical  lung-tester,"  were  there. 
Then  there  was  the  Flying  Circus  and  any  number  of  other 
ingenious  contrivances  to  relieve  young  ladies  and  gentlemen 
from  the  rural  districts  of  their  spare  change. 

A  young  man  was  bitterly  bewailing  the  loss  of  his  watch, 
which  had  been  cut  from  his  pocket  by  some  thief. 

"  You  ain't  smart,"  said  a  middle-aged  individual  in  a  dingy 
Kossuth  hat  with  a  feather  in  it,  and  who  had  a  very  you- 
can't-fool-me  look.  "I've  been  to  the  State  Fair  before,  1 
want  yer  to  understan,  and  knows  my  bizniss  aboard  a  pro- 
Deller.  Here 's  MY  money,"  he  exultingly  cried,  slapping  his 
pantaloons'  pocket. 

About  half  an  hour  after  this  we  saw  this  smart  individual 
rushing  frantically  around  after  a  policeman.  Somebody  had 
adroitly  relieved  him  of  His  money.  In  his  search  for  a 
policeman  he  encountfered  the  young  man  who  wasn't  smart. 

"  Haw,  haw,  haw,"  violently  laughed  the  latter  ;  "  by  G — , 
I  thought  you  was  smart — I  thought  you  'd  been  to  the  State 
Fair  before." 

The  smart  man  looked  sad  for  a  moment,  but  a  knowing 
smile  soon  crossed  his  face,  and  drawing  the  young  man  who 
wasn't  smart  confidentially  towards  him,  said— 


486  COLOURED  PEOPLE'S  CHURCH. 

"  There  wasn't  only  fifteen  cents  in  coppers  in  my  pocket — 
my  MONEY  is  in  my  boot — they  can't  fool  me — I'VE  'been  to 
THE  State  Fair  before  ! ! " 


He  Declined  "Biling." — The  students  of  the  Conneaut 

Academy  gave  a  theatrical  entertainment  a  few  winters  ago. 
They  "  executed  "  Julius  Caesar.  Everything  went  off  satis- 
factorily until  Caesar  was  killed  in  the  market-place.  The 
stage  accommodations  were  limited,  and  Caesar  fell  nearly 
under  the  stove,  in  which  there  was  a  roaring  fire.  And  when 
Brutus  said — 

' '  People  and  Senators  ! — ^be  not  affrighted ; 
Fly  not ;  stand  still — ambition's  debt  is  paid  !  " 

he  was  amazed  to  see  Caesar  rise  upon  his  feet  and  nervously 
examine  his  scorched  garments. 

"Lay  down,  you  fool,"  shouted  Brutus,  wildly;  "do  you 
want  to  break  up  the  whole  thing  ? " 

"  No,"  returned  Caesar,  in  an  excited  manner,  "  I  don't :  I 
want  to  act  out  Gineral  Caesar  in  good  style,  but  I  ain't  goir. 
to  bile  under  that  cussed  old  stove  for  nobody  ! " 

This  stopped  the  play,  and  the  students  abandoned  theatricals 
forthwith. 


XL 


COLOURED  people's  CHURCH. 


There  is  a  plain  little  meeting-house  on  Barnwell  Street  *  in 
which  the  coloured  people — or  a  goodly  portion  of  them — wor- 
ship on  Sundays.  The  seats  are  cushionless,  and  have  per- 
pendicular backs.  The  pulpit  is  plain  white — trimmed  with 
red,  it  is  true,  but  still  a  very  unostentatious  affair  for  coloured 

*  BaTMOtll  Street. — One  of  the  streets  of  the  city  of  Cleveland. 


COLOURED  PEOPLE'S  CHURCH.  487 

people,  who  are  supposed  to  have  a  decided  weakness  for  gay 
hues.  Should  you  escort  a  lady  to  this  church,  and  seat  your- 
self beside  her,  you  will  infallibly  be  touched  on  the  shoulder, 
and  politely  requested  to  move  to  the  "gentlemen's  side." 
Gentlemen  and  ladies  are  not  allowed  to  sit  together  in  this 
church.  They  are  parted  remorselessly.  It  is  hard — we  may 
say  it  is  terrible — to  be  torn  asunder  in  this  way,  but  you 
have  to  submit,  and  of  course  you  had  better  do  so  gracefully 
and  pleasantly. 

Meeting  opens  with  an  old-fashioned  hymn,  which  is  very 
well  sung  indeed  by  the  congregation.  Then  the  minister 
reads  a  hymn,  which  is  sung  by  the  choir  on  the  front  seats 
near  the  pulpit.  Then  the  minister  prays.  He  hopes  no  one 
has  been  attracted  there  by  idle  curiosity — to  see  or  be  seen — 
and  you  naturally  conclude  that  he  is  gently  hitting  you. 
Another  hymn  follows  the  prayer,  and  then  we  have  the  dis- 
course, which  certainly  has  the  merit  of  peculiarity  and  bold- 
ness. The  minister's  name  is  Jones.  He  don't  mince  matters 
at  all.  He  talks  about  the  "  flames  of  hell "  with  a  confident 
fierceness  that  must  be  quite  refreshing  to  sinners. 

"  There 's  no  half-way  about  this,"  says  he,  "  no  by-paths. 

"  There  are  in  Cleveland  lots  of  men  who  go  to  church 
regularly,  who  behave  well  in  meeting,  and  who  pay  their  bills. 

"  They  ain't  Christians  though. 

"  They  're  gentlemen  sinners. 

"  And  whar  d'ye  spose  they  '11  fetch  up  % 

"  I  '11  tell  ye — they'll  fetch  him  up  in  h — 11,  and  they  '11  come 
up  standing  too — there 's  where  they  '11  fetch  up  ! 

*  Who 's  my  backer  ? 

"  Have  I  got  a  backer  ? 

**  Whar 's  my  backer  ? 

"This  is  my  backer  (striking  the  Bible  before  him) — the 
Bible  will  back  me  to  any  amount !  " 

To  still  further  convince  his  hearers  that  he  was  in  earnest, 
he  exclaimed,  "  That 's  me — that 's  Jones ! " 


488  SPIRITS. 

He  alluded  to  Eve  in  terms  of  bitter  censure.  It  wa8 
natural  that  Adam  should  have  been  mad  at  her.  "I 
shouldn't  want  a  woman  that  wouldn't  mind  me,  myself,"  said 
the  speaker. 

He  directed  his  attention  to  dancing,  declaring  it  to  be  a 
great  sin.  "  Whar  there's  dancing  there's  fiddling — wliar 
there 's  fiddling  there 's  unrighteousness,  and  unrighteousness 
is  wickedness,  and  wickedness  is  sin  !  That 's  me — that 's 
Jones." 

Bosom  the  speaker  invariably  called  "buzzim,"  and  devil 
"  debil,"  with  a  fearfully  strong  accent  on  the  "  11." 


XII. 


SPIRITS. 


Mr  Davenport,*  who  has  been  for  some  time  closely  iden- 
fied  with  the  modern  spiritual  movement,  is  in  the  city  with 
his  daughter,  who  is  quite  celebrated  as  a  medium.  They  are 
accompanied  by  Mr  Eighme  and  his  daughter,  and  are  holding 
circles  in  Hoffman's  Block  every  afternoon  and  evening.  We 
were  present  at  the  circle  last  evening.  Miss  Davenport 
seated  herself  at  a  table  on  which  was  a  tin  trumpet,  a  tam- 
borine,  and  a  guitar.  The  audience  were  seated  around  the 
room.  The  lights  were  blown  out,  and  the  spirit  of  an 
eccentric  individual,  well  known  to  the  Davenports,  and  whom 
they  call  George,  addressed  the  audience  through  the  trumpet. 
He  called  several  of  those  present  by  name  in  a  boisterous 
voice,  and  dealt  several  stunning  knocks  on  the  table.  George 
has  been  in  the  spirit  world  some  two  hundred  years.  He  is 
a  rather  rough  spirit,  and  probably  run  with  the  machine  and 
"  killed  for  Kyser"  f  when  in  the  flesh.     He  ordered  the  seats 

♦  Mr  Davenport. — One  of  the  afterwards  notorious  Davenport  Brothers, 
f  Kyser  is  an  extensive  |?'ew  York  butcher,  and  "  to  kill"  (or  slaughter) 


SPIRITS.  489 

in  the  room  to  be  wheeled  round  so  the  audience  would  face 
the  table.  He  said  the  people  on  the  front  seat  must  be  tied 
with  a  rope.  The  order  was  misunderstood,  the  rope  being 
merely  drawn  before  tliose  on  the  front  seat.  He  reprimanded 
Mr  Davenport  for  not  understanding  the  instructions.  What 
he  meant  was  that  the  rope  should  be  passed  once  around  each 
person  on  the  front  seat  and  then  tightly  drawn,  a  man  at 
each  end  of  the  seat  to  hold  on  to  it.  This  was  done,  and 
George  expressed  himself  satisfied.  There  was  no  one  near 
the  table  save  the  medium.  All  the  rest  were  behind  the 
rope,  and  those  on  the  front  seat  were  particularly  charged 
not  to  let  any  one  pass  by  them.  George  said  he  felt  first- 
rate,  and  commenced  kissing  the  ladies  present.  The  smack 
could  be  distinctly  heard,  and  some  of  the  ladies  said  the  sen- 
sation was  very  natural.  For  the  first  time  in  our  eventful 
life  we  sighed  to  be  a  spirit.  We  envied  George.  We  did 
not  understand  whether  the  kissing  was  done  through  a 
trumpet.  After  kissing  considerably,  and  indulging  in  some 
playful  remarks  with  a  man  whose  Christian  name  was 
Napoleon  Bonaparte,  and  whom  George  called  "  Boney,"  he 
tied  the  hands  and  feet  of  the  medium.  He  played  the  guitar 
and  jingled  the  tambourine,  and  then  dashed  them  violently 
on  the  floor.  The  candles  were  lit,  and  Miss  Davenport  was 
securely  tied.  She  could  not  move  her  hands.  Her  feet  were 
bound,  and  the  rope  (which  was  a  long  one)  was  fastened  to 
the  chair.  No  person  in  the  room  had  been  near  her  or  had 
anything  to  do  with  tying  her.  Every  person  who  was  in  the 
room  will  take  his  or  her  oath  of  that.  She  could  hardly  have 
tied  herself.  We  never  saw  such  intricate  and  thorough  tying 
in  our  life.  The  believers  present  were  convinced  that  George 
did  it.  The  unbelievers  didn't  exactly  know  what  to  think 
about  it.  The  candles  were  extinguished  again,  and  pretty 
soon  Miss  Davenport  told  George  to  "  don't."    She  spoke  in 

for  him  has  passed  into  a  saying  with  the  roughs,  or  "  bhoys,"  of  Nqw 
York.     To  "  run  with  a  [fire]  machine," 


490  MR  BLOW  HARD. 

an  affrighted  tone.  The  candles  were  lit,  and  she  was  dis- 
covered sitting  on  the  table — hands  and  feet  tied  as  before, 
and  herself  tied  to  the  chair  withal.  The  lights  were  again 
blown  out,  there  were  sounds  as  if  some  one  was  lifting  her 
from  the  table ;  the  candles  were  relit,  and  she  was  seen 
sitting  in  the  chair  on  the  floor  again.  No  one  had  been  near 
her  from  the  audience.  Again  the  hghts  were  extinguished, 
and  presently  the  medium  said  her  feet  were  wet.  It  appeared 
that  the  mischievous  spirit  of  one  Biddie,  an  Irish  Miss  who 
died  when  twelve  years  old,  had  kicked  over  the  water-pail. 
Miss  Eighme  took  a  seat  at  the  table,  and  the  same  mischievous 
Biddie  scissored  off  a  liberal  lock  of  her  hair.  There  was  the 
hair,  and  it  had  indisputably  just  been  taken  from  Miss 
Eighme's  head,  and  her  hands  and  feet,  like  those  of  Miss  D., 
were  securely  tied.  Other  things  of  a  staggering  character  to 
the  sceptic  were  done  during  the  evening. 


XIII. 


MR  BLOWHARD. 


The  reader  has  probably  met  Mr  Blowhard.  He  is  usually 
round.  You  find  him  in  all  public  places.  He  is  particu- 
larly "numerous"  at  shows.  Knows  all  the  actors  intimately. 
Went  to  school  with  some  of  'em.  Knows  how  much  they  get 
a  month  to  a  cent,  and  how  much  liquor  they  can  hold  to  a 
teaspoonful.  He  knows  Ned  Forrest  like  a  book.  Has  taken 
sundry  drinks  with  Ned.  Ned  likes  him  much.  Is  well  ac- 
quainted with  a  certain  actress.  Could  have  married  her  just 
as  easy  as  not  if  he  had  wanted  to.  Didn't  like  her  "  style," 
and  so  concluded  not  to  marry  her.  Knows  Dan  Rice  well. 
Knows  all  of  his  men  and  horses.  Is  on  terms  of  affectionate 
intimacy  with  Dan's  rhinoceros,  and  is  tolerably  well  acquainted 
with  the  performing  elephant.     We  encountered  ^Ir  Blowhard 


MARKET  MORNING.  491 

at  the  circus  yesterday.  He  was  entertaining  those  near  him 
with  a  full  account  of  the  whole  institution,  men,  boys,  horses, 
"  muils  "  and  all.  He  said  the  rhinoceros  was  perfectly  harm- 
less, as  his  teeth  had  all  been  taken  out  in  infancy.  Besides, 
the  rhinoceros  was  under  the  influence  of  opium  while  he  was 
in  the  ring,  which  entirely  prevented  his  injuring  anybody. 
No  danger  whatever.  In  due  course  of  time  the  amiable  beast 
[was  led  into  the  ring.  When  the  cord  was  taken  from  his 
(nose,  he  turned  suddenly  and  manifested  a  slight  desire  to 
run  violently  in  among  some  boys  who  were  seated  near  the 
musicians.  The  keeper,  with  the  assistance  of  one  of  the 
Bedouin  Arabs,  soon  induced  him  to  change  his  mind,  and  got 
him  in  the  middle  of  the  ring.  The  pleasant  quadruped  had 
no  sooner  arrived  here  than  he  hastily  started,  with  a  melodious 
bellow,  towards  the  seats  on  one  of  which  sat  Mr  Blowhard. 
Each  particular  hair  on  Mr  Blowhard's  head  stood  up  "  like 
squills  upon  the  speckled  porkupine"  (Shakspeare  or  Arte- 
mus  Ward,  we  forget  which),  and  he  fell,  with  a  small  shriek, 
down  through  the  seats  to  the  ground.  He  remained  there 
until  the  agitated  rhinoceros  became  calm,  when  he  crawled 
slowly  back  to  his  seat. 

"  Keep  mum,"  he  said,  with  a  very  wise  shake  of  the  head. 
"  I  only  wanted  to  have  some  fun  with  them  folks  above  us.  I 
swar,  I  '11  bet  the  whisky  they  thought  I  was  scared  !"  Great 
character  that  Blowhard. 


XIV. 


MARKET  MORNING. 

**  Hurrah  !  this  is  market  day, 
Up,  lads,  and  gaily  away  ! " — Old  CoitEDr. 

On  market  mornings  there  is  a  roar  and  a  crash  all  about  the 
corner  of  Kinsman  and  Pittsburgh  Streets.     The  market  build- 


493       •  MARKET  MORNING. 

ing — so  called,  we  presume,  because  it  don't  in  the  least  re- 
semble a  market  building — is  crowded  with  beef  and  butchers^ 
and  almost  countless  meat  and  vegetable  waggons,  of  all  sorts, 
are  confusedly  huddled  together  all  around  outside.  These 
waggons  mostly  come  from  a  few  miles  out  of  town,  and  are 
always  on  the  spot  at  daybreak.  A  little  after  sunrise  the 
crash  and  jam  commences,  and  continues  with  little  cessation 
until  ten  o'clock  in  the  forenoon.  There  is  a  babel  of  tongues, 
an  excessively  cosmopolitan  gathering  of  people,  a  roar  of 
wheels,  and  a  lively  smell  of  beef  and  vegetables.  The  soap 
man,  the  headache  curative  man,  the  razor  man,  and  a  variety 
of  other  tolerable  humbugs,  are  in  full  blast.  We  meet  mar- 
ried men  with  baskets  in  their  hands.  Those  who  have  been 
fortunate  in  their  selections  look  happy,  while  some  who  have 
been  unlucky  wear  a  dejected  air,  for  they  are  probably  des- 
tined to  get  pieces  of  their  wives'  minds  on  their  arrival  home. 
It  is  true,  that  all  married  men  have  their  own  way,  but  the 
trouble  is  they  don't  all  have  their  own  way  of  having  it ! 
We  meet  a  newly-married  man.  He  has  recently  set  up 
housekeeping.  He  is  out  to  buy  steak  for  breakfast.  There 
are  only  himself  and  wife  and  female  domestic  in  the  family. 
He  shows  us  his  basket,  which  contains  steak  enough  for  at 
least  ten  able-bodied  men.  We  tell  him  so,  but  he  says  we 
don't  know  anything  about  war,  and  passes  on.  Here  comes 
a  lady  of  high  degree,  who  has  no  end  of  servants  to  send  to 
the  market,  but  she  likes  to  come  herself,  and  it  won't  prevent 
her  shining  and  sparkling  in  her  elegant  drawing-room  this 
afternoon.  And  she  is  accumulating  muscle  and  freshness  of 
face  by  these  walks  to  market. 

And  here  is  a  charming  picture.  Standing  beside  a  vege- 
table cart  is  a  maiden  beautiful  and  sweeter  far  than  any 
daisy  in  the  fields.  Eyes  of  purest  blue,  lips  of  cherry  red, 
teeth  like  pearls,  silken,  golden  hair,  and  form  of  exquisite 
mould.  We  wonder  if  she  is  a  fairy,  but  instantly  conclude 
that  she  is  not,  for  in  measuring  out  a  peck  of  onions  she  spilU 


WE  SEE  TWO  WITCHES,  493 

Borae  of  til  cm  a  small  boy  laughs  at  the  mishap,  and  she  indig- 
nantly shies  the  measure  ^t  his  head.  Fairies,  you  know, 
don't  throw  peck  measures  at  small  boys*  heads.  The  spell 
was  broken.  The  golden  chain  which  for  a  moment  bound  us 
fell  to  pieces.  We  meet  an  eccentric  individual  in  corduroy 
pantaloons  and  pepper-and-salt  coat,  who  wants  to  know  if  we 
didn't  sail  out  of  Nantucket  in  1852  in  the  whaling  brig 
Jasper  Green.  We  are  compelled  to  confess  that  the  only 
nautical  experience  we  ever  had  was  to  once  temporarily  com- 
mand a  canal  boat  on  the  dark-rolling  Wabash,  while  the 
captain  went  ashore  to  cave  in  the  head  of  a  miscreant  who 
had  winked  lasciviously  at  the  sylph  who  superintended  the 
culinary  department  on  board  that  gallant  craft.  The  eccen- 
tric individual  smiles  in  a  ghastly  manner,  says  perhaps  we 
won't  lend  him  a  dollar  till  to-morrow ;  to  which  we  courte- 
ously reply  that  we  certainly  won't,  and  he  glides  away. 

AVe  return  to  our  hotel,  reinvigorated  with  the  early,  health- 
ful jaunt,  and  bestow  an  imaginary  purse  of  gold  upon  our 
Aliican  Brother,  who  brings  us  a  hot  and  excellent  breakfast. 


XV. 

WE  SEE  TWO  WITCHES. 

Two  female  fortune-tellers  recently  came  hither,  and  spread 
"small  bills"  throughout  the  city.  Being  slightly  anxious, 
in  common  with  a  wide  circle  of  relatives  and  friends,  to  know 
where  we  were  going  to,  and  what  was  to  become  of  us,  we 
visited  both  of  these  eminently  respectable  witches  yesterday 
and  had  our  fortune  told  **  twict."  Physicians  sometimes  dis- 
agree, lawyers  invariably  do,  editors  occasionally  fall  out,  and 
we  are  pained  to  say  that  even  witches  unfold  different  tales 
to  one  individual.  In  describing  our  interviews  with  these 
singularly  gifted  female  women,  who  are  actually  and  posi- 


194  ^^  SEE  TWO  WITCHES. 

tivcly  here  in  this  city,  we  must  speak  considerably  of  *' we" — 
not  because  we  flatter  ourselves  that  we  are  more  interesting 
than  people  in  general,  but  because  in  the  present  case  it  is 
really  necessary.  In  the  language  of  Hamlet's  Pa,  "  List,  0 
list!" 

We  went  to  see  *' Madame  B."  first.     She  has  rooms  at  the 
Burnett  House.     The  following  is  a  copy  of  her  bill : — 


MADAME  B., 

The  Celebrated  Spanish  Astrologist,  Clairvoyant 
AND  Female  Doctress, 

Would  respectfully  announce  to  the  citizens  that  she  has  just 
arrived  in  this  city,  and  designs  remaining  for  a  few  days  only. 

The  Madame  can  be  consulted  on  all  matters  pertaining  to  life 
■ — either  past,  present,  or  future — tracing  the  line  of  life  from 
Infancy  to  Old  Age,  particularising  each  event,  in  regard  to 

Business,  Love,  Marriage,  Courtship,  Losses,  Law  Matters,  and 
Sickness  of  Relatives  and  Friends  at  a  distance. 

The  Madame  will  also  show  her  visitors  a  life-like  representatioL 
of  their  Future  Husbands  and  Wives. 

Lucky  Numbers  in  Lotteries 

Can  also  be  selected  by  her,  and  hundreds  who  have  consulted 

her  have  drawn  capital   prizes.     The   Madame  will  furnish 

medicine  for  all  diseases,  for  grown  persons  (male  or  female) 

and  children. 

Persons  wishing  to  consult  her  concerning  this  mysterious  art 

and  human  destiny,  particularly  with  reference  to  their  own 

individual  bearing  in  relation  to  a  supposed  Providence,  can  be 

accommodated  by  calling  at 


M^E  SEE  TWO  WITCHES.  495 

Room  No.  23,  Burnett  House, 
Corner  of  Prospect  and  Ontario  Streets,  Cleveland. 

The  Madame  has  travelled  extensively  for  the  last  few  years, 
both  in  the  United  States  and  the  West  Indies,  and  the  success 
which  has  attended  her  in  all  places  has  won  for  her  the 
reputation  of  being  the  most  wonderful  Astrologist  of  the 
present  age. 

The  Madame  has  a  superior  faculty  for  this  business,  having 
been  bom  with  a  Caul  on  her  Face,  by  virtue  of  which  she  can 
more  accurately  read  the  past,  present,  and  future ;  also  en- 
abling her  to  cure  many  diseases  without  using  drugs  or 
medicines.  The  Madame  advertises  nothing  but  what  she  can 
do.  Call  on  her  if  you  would  consult  the  greatest  Foreteller 
of  events  now  living. 

Hours  of  Consultation,  from  8  A.m.  to  9  o'clock  p.m. 

We  urbanely  informed  the  lady  with  the  "Caul  on  her 
Face "  that  we  had  called  to  have  our  fortune  told,  and  she 
said,  "  Hand  out  your  money."  This  preliminary  being 
settled,  Madame  B.  (who  is  a  tall,  sharp-eyed,  dark-featured 
and  angular  woman,  dressed  in  painfully  positive  colours,  and 
heavily  loaded  with  gold  chain  and  mammoth  jewellery  of 
various  kinds)  and  Jupiter  indicated  powerful  that  we  were  a 
slim  constitution,  which  came  down  on  to  us  from  our  father's 
side.  Wherein  our  constitution  was  not  slim,  so  it  came  down 
on  to  us  from  our  mother's  side. 

"Is  this  so?" 

And  we  said  it  was. 

"  Yes,"  continued  the  witch,  "  I  know'd  'twas.  You  can't 
deceive  Jupiter,  me,  nor  any  other  planick.  You  may  swim 
same  as  Leander  did,  but  you  can't  deceive  the  planicks.  Give 
me  your  hand  !     Times  ain't  so  easy  as  they  has  been.     So — 


496  IVE  SEE  TWO  WITCHES 

so — but  'tis  temp'ry.  'Twon't  last  long.  Times  will  be  easy 
soon.  You  may  be  tramped  on  to  onct  or  twict,  but  you  '11 
rekiver.  You  have  talenk,  me  child.  You  kin  make  a  Con- 
gresser  if  sich  you  likes  to  be.  [We  said  we  would  be  excused, 
if  it  was  all  the  same  to  her.]  You  kin  be  a  lawyer.  [We 
thanked  her,  but  said  we  would  rather  retain  our  present  good 
moral  character.]  You  kin  be  a  soldier.  You  have  courage 
enough  to  go  to  the  Hostrian  wars  and  kill  the  French.  [We 
informed  her  that  we  had  already  murdered  some  "  English."] 
You  won't  have  much  money  till  you  're  thirty-three  years  of 
old.  Then  you  will  have  large  sums — forty  thousand  dollars, 
perhaps.  Look  out  for  it !  [We  promised  we  would.]  You 
have  travelled  some,  and  you  will  travel  more,  which  will 
make  your  travels  more  extensiver  than  they  has  been.  You 
will  go  to  Californy  by  way  of  Pike's  Pick.  [Same  route  taken 
by  Horace  Greeley.]  If  nothin  happens  onto  you,  you  won't 
meet  with  no  accidents  and  will  get  through  pleasant,  which 
you  otherwise  will  not  do  under  all  circumstances  however, 
which  doth  happen  to  all,  both  great  and  small,  likewise  to  the 
rich  as  also  the  poor.  Hearken  to  me  !  There  has  been 
deaths  in  your  family,  and  there  will  be  more  !  But  Reserve 
your  constitution  and  you  will  live  to  be  seventy  years  of  old. 
Me  child,  her  hair  will  be  black — black  as  the  Raving's  wing. 
Likewise  black  will  also  be  her  eyes,  and  she  '11  be  as  different 
from  which  you  air  as  night  and  day.  Look  out  for  the  dark- 
ish man  !  He 's  yer  rival  !  Beware  of  the  darkish  man  !  [We 
promised  that  we  'd  introduce  a  funeral  into  the  "  darkish 
man's  "  family  the  moment  we  encountered  him.]  Me  child, 
there 's  more  sunshine  than  clouds  for  ye,  and  send  all  your 
friends  up  here. 

"  A  word  before  you  goes.  Expose  not  yourself.  Your  eyes 
is  sailer,  which  is  on  accounts  of  bile  on  your  systim.  Some 
don't  have  bile  on  to  their  systims  which  their  eyes  is  not 
sailer.  This  bile  ascends  down  on  to  you  from  many  genera- 
tions which  is  in  their  graves,  and  peace  to  their  ashes.  * 


WE  SEE  TWO  WITCHES.  497 

MADAME  CROMPTON. 

We  then  proceeded  directly  to  Madame  Crompton,  the  other 
fortune-teller. 
Below  is  her  bill : — 

MADAME  R  CROMPTON, 

The  World-renowned  Fortune-Teller  and 

astrologist. 

Madame  Crompton  begs  leave  to  inform  the  citizens  of  Clev& 
land  and  vicinity  that  she  has  taken  rooms  at  the 

FARMERS'  ST  CLAIR  HOUSE, 
Corner  of  St  Clair  and  Water  Streets, 

Where  she  may  be  consulted  on  all  matters  pertaining  to 
Past  and  Future  Events. 

Also  giving  Information  of  Absent  Friends,  whether 
Living  or  Dead. 

P.S. — Persons  having  lost  or  having  property  stolen  of  any 
kind,  will  do  well  to  give  her  a  call,  as  she  will  describe  the 
person  or  persons  with  such  accuracy  as  will  astonish  the  most 
devout  critic. 

Terms  Beason^hle 

She  has  rooms  at  the  Farmers'  Hotel,  as  st£,ted  in  the  bill 
above.  She  was  driving  an  extensive  business,  and  we  were 
forced  to  wait  half  an  hour  or  so  for  a  chance  to  see  her. 
Madame  Crompton  is  of  the  EngUsh  persuasion,  and  has  evi- 
dently searched  many  long  years  in  vain  for  her  H.  She  is 
small  in  stature,  but  considerably  inclined  to  corpulency,  and 
her  red  round  face  is  continually  wreathed  in  smiles,  reminding 
one  of  a  new  tin  pan  basking  in  the  noonday  sun.  She  took 
a  greasy  pack  of  common  playing  cards,  and  requested  us  tc 

2i 


498  FROM  A  HOMELY  MAM. 

"  cut  them  in  three,"  which  we  did.  She  spread  them  out 
before  her  on  the  table,  and  said  : — 

"  Sir  to  you  which  I  speaks.  You  'av  been  terrible  crossed 
in  love,  and  your  'art  'as  been  much  panged.  But  you  '11  get 
all  over  it  and  marry  a  light  complected  gale  with  rayther 
reddish  'air.  Before  some  time  you'll  have  a  leggercy  fall 
down  on  to  you,  mostly  in  solick  Jold.  There  may  be  a  law- 
suit about  it,  and  you  may  be  sup-prisoned  as  a  witnesses,  but 
you'll  git  it — mostly  in  solick  Jold,  which  you  will  keep  in 
chists,  and  you  must  look  out  for  them.  [We  said  we  would 
keep  a  skinned  optic  on  "them  chists."]  You  'as  a  enemy, 
and  he's  a  lightish  man.  He  wants  to  defraud  you  out  of 
your  'onesty.  He  is  tellink  lies  about  you  now  in  the  'opes  of 
crushin  yourself.  [A  weak  invention  of  ''the  opposition."] 
You  never  did  nothin  bad.  Your  'art  is  right.  You  'ave  a 
great  taste  for  bosses  and  like  to  stay  with  'em.  Mister  to  you 
I  sez  !  Gard  aginst  the  lightish  man  and  all  will  be  well." 

The  supernatural  being  then  took  an  oval-shaped  chunk  of 
glass  (which  she  called  a  stone)  and  requested  us  to  "  hang  on 
to  it."     She  looked  into  it  and  said  : 

"  If  you  're  not  keerful  when  you  git  your  money,  you  '11  lose 
it,  but  which  otherwise  you  will  not,  and  fifty  cents  is  as  cheap 
as  I  kin  afi'ord  to  tell  anybody's  fortune,  and  no  great  shakes 
made  then." 


XVL 

FROM  A  HOMELY  MAN. 

Dear  Plain  Dealer, — I  am  a  plain  man,  and  there  is  a 
melancholy  fitness  in  my  unbosoming  my  suff"erings  to  the 
''Plain  "  Dealer.  Plain  as  you  maybe  in  your  dealings,  how- 
w'ver,  I  am  convinced  you  never  before  had  to  deal  with  a  cor- 
f©Bpondent  so  hopelessly  plain  as  I.     Yet  plain  don't  half 


FROM  A  HOMELY  MAN,  499 

express  my  looks.  Indeed  I  doubt  very  much  whether  any 
<\'ord  in  the  English  language  could  be  found  to  convey  an 
adequate  idea  of  my  absolute  and  utter  homeliness.  The 
dates  in  the  old  family  Bible  show  that  I  am  in  the  decline  of 
life,  but  I  cannot  recall  a  period  in  my  existence  when  I  felt 
really  young.  My  very  infancy,  those  brief  months  when 
babes  prattle  joyously  and  know  nothing  of  care,  was  darkened 
by  a  shadowy  presentiment  of  what  I  was  to  endure  through 
life,  and  my  youth  was  rendered  dismal  by  continued  repeti- 
tions of  a  fact  painfully  evident  "  on  the  face  of  it,"  that  the 
boy  was  growing  homelier  and  homelier  every  day.  Memory, 
that  with  other  people  recalls  so  much  that  is  sweet  and  plea- 
sant to  think  of  in  connection  with  their  youth,  with  me  brings 
up  nothing  but  mortification,  bitter  tears,  I  had  almost  said 
curses,  on  my  solitary  and  homely  lot.  I  have  wished — a 
thousand  times  wished — that  Memory  had  never  consented  to 
take  a  seat  "in  this  distracted  globe." 

You  have  heard  of  a  man  so  homely  that  he  couldn't  sleep 
nights,  his  face  ached  so.  Mr  Editor,  I  am  that  melancholy 
individual.  Whoever  perpetrated  the  joke — for  joke  it  was 
no  doubt  intended  to  be — knew  not  how  much  truth  he  was 
uttering,  or  how  bitterly  the  idle  squib  would  rankle  in  the 
heart  of  one  sufi'ering  man.  Many  and  many  a  night  have  I 
in  my  childhood  laid  awake  thinking  of  my  homeliness,  and  as 
the  moonlight  has  streamed  in  at  the  window  and  fell  upon 
the  handsome  and  placid  features  of  my  little  brother  slumber 
ing  at  my  side,  Heaven  i'orgive  me  for  the  wicked  thought,  but 
I  have  felt  an  almost  unconquerable  impulse  to  for  ever  dis 
figure  and  mar  that  sweet  upturned  innocent  face  that  smiled 
and  looked  so  beautiful  in  sleep,  for  it  was  ever  reminding  me 
of  the  curse  I  was  doomed  to  carry  about  ma  Many  and 
many  a  night  have  I  got  up  in  my  night-dress,  and  hghting 
my  little  lamp,  sat  for  hours  gazing  at  my  terrible  ugliness  of 
face  reflected  in  the  mirror,  drawn  to  it  by  a  cruel  fascination 
w  hich  it  was  impossible  for  me  to  resist. 


Sbo  THE  ELEPHANT, 

I  need  not  tell  you  that  I  am  a  single  man,  and  yet  I  have 
had  what  men  call  affairs  of  the  heart.  I  have  known  what  it 
is  to  worship  the  heart's  embodiment  of  female  loveliness,  and 
purity,  and  truth,  but  it  was  generally  at  a  distance,  entirely 
safe  to  the  object  of  my  adoration.  Being  of  a  susceptible 
nature,  I  was  continually  falling  in  love,  but  never,  save  with 
one  single  exception,  did  I  venture  to  declare  my  fiame.  I 
saw  my  heart's  palpitator  walking  in  a  grove.  Moved  by  my 
consuming  love,  I  rushed  towards  her,  and  throwing  myself  at 
her  feet  began  to  pour  forth  the  long-pent-up  emotions  of  my 
heart.     She  gave  one  look  and  then 

"  Shrieked  till  all  the  rocks  replied  j " 

at  least  you  'd  thought  they  replied  if  you  had  seen  me  leave 
til  at  grove  with  a  speed  greatly  accelerated  by  a  shower  of 
rocks  from  the  hands  of  an  enraged  brother,  who  was  at  hand. 
That  prepossessing  young  lady  is  now  slowly  recovrring  her 
reason  in  an  institution  for  the  insane. 

Of  my  further  troubles  I  may  perhaps  inform  you  at  some 
future  time. 

Homely  Man. 


XVII. 

THE  ELEPHANT. 


Some  two  years  since,  on  the  strength  of  what  we  regarded  as 
reliable  information,  we  announced  the  death  of  the  elephant 
Hannibal,  at  Canton,  and  accompanied  the  announcement  with 
a  short  sketch  of  that  remarkable  animal.  We  happened  to 
be  familiar  with  several  interesting  incidents  in  the  private 
life  of  Hannibal,  and  our  sketch  was  copied  by  almost  every 
paper  in  America  and  by  several  European  journals.  A  few 
months  ago  %  "  travelled  "  friend  showed  us  the  sketch  in  a 


THE  ELEPHANT,  501 

Parisian  journal,  and  possibly  it  is  "  going  the  rounds  "  of  the 
Chinese  papers  by  this  time.  A  few  days  after  we  had  printed 
his  obituary  Hannibal  came  to  town  with  Van  Amburgh's 
Menagerie,  and  the  same  type  which  killed  the  monster  re- 
stored him  to  life  again. 

About  once  a  year  Hannibal 

"  Gets  on  a  spree, 
And  goes  bobbin  around." 

to  make  a  short  quotation  from  a  once  popular  ballad.  These 
sprees,  in  fact,  *'is  what's  the  matter  with  him." 

The  other  day,  in  Williamsburg,  Long  Island,  he  broke 
loose  in  the  canvas,  emptied  most  of  the  cages,  and  tor© 
through  the  town  like  a  mammoth  pestilence.  An  extensive 
crowd  of  athletic  men,  by  jabbing  him  with  spears  and  pitch- 
forks, and  coiling  big  ropes  around  his  legs,  succeeded  in  cap- 
turing him.  The  animals  he  had  set  free  were  caught  and 
restored  to  their  cages  without  much  difficulty. 

We  doubt  if  we  shall  ever  forget  our  first  view  of  Han- 
nibal— which  was  also  our  first  view  of  any  elephant — of  Hit 
elephant,  in  short.  It  was  at  the  close  of  a  sultry  day  in  June, 
18 — .  The  sun  had  spent  its  fury  and  was  going  to  rest  among 
the  clouds  of  gold  and  crimson.  A  solitary  horseman  might 
have  been  seen  slowly  ascending  a  long  hill  in  a  New  England 
town.  That  solitary  horseman  was  uS,  and  we  were  mounted 
on  the  old  white  mare.  Two  bags  were  strapped  to  the  foam- 
ing steed.  That  was  before  we  became  wealthy,  and  of  course 
we  are  not  ashamed  to  say  that  we  had  been  to  mill,  and  con- 
sequently them  bags  contained  flour  and  middlins.  Presently 
a  large  object  appeared  at  the  top  of  the  hill.  We  had  heard 
of  the  devil,  and  had  been  pretty  often  told  that  he  would 
have  a  clear  deed  and  title  to  us  before  long,  but  had  nevei 
heard  him  painted  like  the  object  which  met  our  gaze  at  the 
top  of  that  hill  on  the  close  of  that  sultry  day  in  June. 
Concluding  (for  we  were  a  mere  youth)  that  it  was  an  ecceu- 


S02  BUSTS. 

trie  wliale,  who  had  come  ashore  near  North  Yarmouth,  and 
was  making  a  tour  through  the  interior  on  wheels,  we  hastily 
turned  our  steed  and  made  for  the  mill  at  a  rapid  rate.  Once 
we  threw  over  ballast,  after  the  manner  of  hallo  onists,  and  aa 
the  object  gained  on  us  we  cried  aloud  for  our  parents.  For- 
tunately we  reached  the  mill  in  safety,  and  the  object  passed 
at  a  furious  rate,  with  a  portion  of  a  woodshed  on  its  back.  It 
was  Hannibal,  who  had  run  away  from  a  neighbouring  town, 
taking  a  shed  with  him. 


Drank  Standin.— Col.  is  a  big  "railroad  man."    He 

attended  a  railroad  supper  once.  Champagne  flowed  freely, 
and  the  Colonel  got  more  than  his  share.  Speeches  were  made 
after  the  removal  of  the  cloth.  Somebody  arose  and  eulogised 
the  Colonel  in  the  steepest  possible  manner — called  him  great, 
good,  patriotic,  enterprising,  &c.,  &c.  The  speaker  was  here 
interrupted  by  the  illustrious  Colonel  himself,  who,  arising 
with  considerable  difficulty,  and  beaming  benevolently  around 
the  table,  gravely  said,  "  Let 's  (hie)  drink  that  sedimunt 
standin!"    It  was  done. 


XVIII. 

BUSTS. 

There  are  in  this  city  several  Italian  gentlemen  engaged  in 
the  bust  business.  They  have  their  peculiarities  and  eccen- 
tricities. They  are  swarthy-faced,  wear  slouched  caps  and 
drab  pea-jackets,  and  smoke  bad  cigars.  They  make  busts  of 
Webster,  Clay,  Bonaparte,  Douglas,  and  other  great  men, 
living  and  dead.  The  Italian  buster  comes  upon  you  solemnly 
and  cautiously.  "  Buy  Napo-leon  % "  he  will  say,  and  you 
may  probably  answer  "  not  a  buy."  "  How  much  giv-ee  ? " 
he  asks,  and  perhaps  you  will  ask  him  how  much  he  wants, 


THE  NAPOLEON  OF  SELLERS.  503 

"  Nine  dollar,"  he  will  answer  always.  We  are  sure  of  it. 
We  have  observed  tin  peculiarity  in  the  busters  frequently. 
No  matter  how  large  or  small  the  bust  may  be,  the  first  price 
is  invariably  "  nine  dollar."  If  you  decline  paying  this  price, 
as  you  undoubtedly  will  if  you  are  right  in  your  head,  he 
again  asks,  "  How  much  giv-ee  1 "  By  way  of  a  joke  you  say 
"  a  dollar,"  when  the  buster  retreats  indignantly  to  the  door, 
saying  in  a  low,  wild  voice,  "  0  dam  !  "  With  his  hand  upon 
the  door-latch,  he  turns  and  once  more  asks,  "How  much 
giv-ee]"  You  repeat  the  previous  offer,  when  he  mutters, 
"  0  ha ! "  then  coming  pleasantly  towards  you,  he  speaks 
thus  :  "  Say  !  how  much  giv-ee  ?  "  Again  you  say  a  dollar, 
and  he  cries,  "  Take  'um — take  'um  I" — thus  falling  eight  dollars 
on  his  original  price. 

Very  eccentric  is  the  Italian  buster,  and  sometimes  he  calls 
his  busts  by  wrong  names.  We  bought  Webster  (he  called 
him  Web-STAR)  of  him  the  other  day,  and  were  astonished 
when  he  called  upon  us  the  next  day  with  another  bust  of 
Webster,  exactly  like  the  one  we  had  purchased  of  him,  and 
asked  us  if  we  didn't  want  to  buy  "  Cole,  the  wife-pizener ! " 
We  endeavoured  to  rebuke  the  depraved  buster,  but  our 
utterance  was  choked,  and  we  could  only  gaze  upon  him  in 
speechless  astonishment  and  indignation. 


XIX. 

HOW  THE  NAPOLEON  OF  SELLERS  WAS  SOLD. 

We  have  read  a  great  many  stories  of  which  Winchell,  the 
great  wit  and  mimic,  was  the  hero,  showing  always  how  neatly 
and  entirely  he  sold  somebody.  Any  one  who  is  familiar 
with  Winchell's  wonderful  powers  of  mimicry  cannot  doubt 
thai  these  stories  are  all  substantially  true.  But  there  is  one 
instance  which  we  will  relate,  or  perish  in  the  attempt,  where 


504       THE  NAPOLEON  OF  SELLERS, 

the  jolly  Wincliell  was  himself  sold.  The  other  evening,  while 
he  was  conversing  with  several  gentlemen  at  one  of  the  hotels, 
a  dilapidated  individual  reeled  into  the  room  and  halted  in 
front  of  the  stove,  where  he  made  wild  and  unsuccessful  efforts 
to  maintain  a  firm  position.  He  evidently  had  spent  the 
evening  in  marching  torchlight  processions  of  forty- rod  whisky 
down  his  throat,  and  at  this  particular  time  was  decidedly  and 
disreputably  drunk.  With  a  sly  wink  to  the  crowd,  as  much 
as  to  say,  "  We  '11  have  some  fun  with  this  individual,"  Win- 
chell  assumed  a  solemn  face,  and  in  a  ghostly  voice  said  to  one 
of  the  company : 

"  The  poor  fellow  we  were  speaking  of  is  dead  !  " 

"  No  %  "  said  the  individual  addressed. 

"Yes,"  said  Winchell;  "you  know  both  of  his  eyes  were 
gouged  out,  his  nose  was  chawed  off,  and  both  of  his  arms 
were  torn  out  at  the  roots.     Of  course,  he  couldn't  recover." 

This  was  all  said  for  the  benefit  of  the  drunken  man,  who 
was  standing,  or  trying  to  stand,  within  a  few  feet  of  Win- 
chell j  but  he  took  no  sort  of  notice  of  it,  and  was  apparently 
ignorant  of  the  celebrated  delineator's  presence.  Again  Win- 
chell endeavoured  to  attract  his  attention,  but  utterly  failed 
as  before.  In  a  few  moments  the  drunken  man  staggered  out 
of  the  room. 

"  I  can  generally  have  a  little  fun  with  a  drunken  man," 
said  Winchell,  "  but  it  is  no  go  in  this  case." 

"  I  suppose  you  know  what  ails  the  man  who  just  went 
out  % "  said  the  "  gentlemanly  host." 

"  I  perceive  he  is  alarmingly  inebriated,"  said  Winchell  \ 
"  does  anything  else  ail  him  %  " 

"  Yes,"  said  the  host,  "  HE  's  DEAF  AND  DUMB  !  " 

This  was  true.  There  was  a  "  larf,"  and  Winchell,  with 
the  remark  that  he  was  sorry  to  see  a  disposition  in  that 
assemblage  "  to  deceive  an  orphan,"  called  for  a  light  and 
went  gravely  to  bed. 


ON  AUTUMN.  505 

XX. 

ON  AUTUMN. 

Poets  are  wont  to  apostrophise  the  leafy  month  of  June,  and 
there  is  no  denying  that  if  Spring  is  "  some,"  June  is  Summer. 
But  there  is  a  gorgeous  magnificence  about  the  habiliments  of 
Nature,  and  a  teeming  fruitfulness  upon  her  lap  during  the 
autumnal  months,  and  we  must  confess  we  have  always  felt 
genially  inclined  towards  this  season.  It  is  true,  when  we 
concentrate  our  field  of  vision  to  the  minute  garniture  of 
earth,  we  no  longer  observe  the  beautiful  petals,  nor  inhale 
the  fragrance  of  a  gay  parterre  of  the  "floral  epistles"  and 
"angel-like  collections"  which  Longfellow  (we  believe)  sc 
graphically  describes,  and  which  Shortfellows  so  fantastically 
carry  about  in  their  button-holes  j  but  we  have  all  their  tints 
reproduced  upon  a  higher  and  broader  canvas  in  the  kaleido- 
scopic colours  with  which  the  sky  and  the  forest  daily  enchant 
us,  and  the  beautiful  and  luscious  fruits  which  Autumn  spreads 
out  before  us,  and 

"  Crowns  the  rich  promise  of  the  opening  Spring." 
In  another  point  of  view  Autumn  is  suggestive  of  pleasant 
reflections.  The  wearying,  wasting  heat  of  Summer,  and  the 
deadly  blasts  with  which  her  breath  has  for  some  years  been 
freighted,  are  past,  and  the  bracing  north  winds  begin  to 
bring  balm  and  heahng  on  their  wings.  The  hurly-burly  of 
travel,  and  most  sorts  of  publicity  (except  newspapers),  are 
fast  playing  out,  and  we  can  once  more  hope  to  see  our  friends 
and  relations  in  the  happy  sociality  of  home  and  fireside 
enjoyments.  Yielding,  as  we  do,  the  full  force  to  which 
Autumn  is  seriously  entitled,  or  rather  to  the  serious  reflec- 
tions and  admonitions  which  the  decay  of  Nature  and  the 
dying  year  always  inspire,  and  admitting  the  poet's  decade — 

**  Leaves  have  their  time  to  fall, 
And  stars  to  set, — but  all. 
Thou  hast  all  sea^ions  for  thine  own,  O  Death  I  " 


ijo6    PA  YING  FOR  HIS  PROVENDER  BY  PRA  YING, 

there  is  a  brighter  Autumn  beyond,  and  brighter  opening 
years  to  those  who  choose  them  rather  than  dead  leaves  and 
bitter  fruits.  Thus  we  can  conclude  tranquilly  with  Bryant, 
as  we  began  gaily  with  another — 

"  So  live,  that  when  thy  summons  comes  to  join 
The  innumerable  caravan,  which  moves 
To  that  mysterious  realm,  where  each  shall  take 
His  chamber  in  the  silent  halls  of  death, 
Thou  go  not,  like  the  quarry-slave  at  night. 
Scourged  to  his  dungeon ;  but,  sustained  and  soothed 
By  an  unfaltering  trust,  approach  thy  grave 
Like  one  who  wraps  the  drapery  of  his  couch 
About  him,  and  lies  down  to  pleasant  dreams." 


XXI. 


PAYING  FOR  HIS  PROVENDER  BY  PRAYING. 

We  have  no  intention  of  making  fun  of  serious  matters  in 
telling  the  following  story  ;  we  merely  relate  a  fact. 

There  is  a  rule  at  Oberlin  College  that  no  student  shall 
board  at  any  house  where  prayers  are  not  regularly  made  each 
day.  A  certain  man  fitted  up  a  boarding-house  and  filled  it 
with  boarders,  but  forgot,  until  the  eleventh  hour,  the  prayer 
proviso.  Not  being  a  praying  man  himself,  he  looked  around 
for  one  who  was.  At  length  he  found  one — a  meek  young 
man  from  Trumbull  County — who  agreed  to  pay  for  his  board 
in  praying.  For  a  while  all  went  smoothly,  but  the  boarding- 
master  furnished  his  table  so  ][y)orly  that  the  boarders  began 
to  grumble  and  to  leave,  and  the  other  morning  the  praying 
boarder  actually  "  struck  !  "  Something  like  the  following 
dialogue  occurred  at  the  table  : — 

Landlord. — Will  you  pray,  Mr  Mild  ? 

Mild. — No,  sir,  I  will  not. 

.  Landlord.— Why  not,  Mr  Mild  f 


HUNTING  TROUBLE,  507 

Mild. — It  don't  pay,  sir.  I  can't  pray  on  such  victuals  as 
these.  And  unless  you  bind  yourself  in  writing  to  set  a  better 
table  than  you  have  for  the  last  three  weeks,  va/ry  anothet 
prayer  you  get  out  of  me  / 

And  that  '&  the  way  the  matter  stood  at  latest  advices. 


XXII. 


HUNTING  TROUBLE. 


Hunting  trouble  is  too  fashionable  in  this  world.  Content- 
ment and  jollity  are  not  cultivated  as  they  should  be.  There 
are  too  many  prematurely- wrinkled  long  and  melancholy  faces 
among  us.  There  is  too  much  swearing,  sweating  and  slashing, 
fuming,  foaming  and  fretting  around  and  about  us  alL 

**  A  mad  world,  my  masters." 

People  rush  out-doors  bareheaded  and  barefooted,  as  it  were, 
and  dash  blindly  into  all  sorts  of  dark  alleys  in  quest  of  all 
sorts  of  Trouble,  when,  "  Goodness  knows,"  if  they  will  only 
sit  calmly  and  pleasantly  by  their  firesides,  Trouble  will  knock 
soon  enough  at  their  doors. 

Hunting  Trouble  is  bad  business.  If  we  ever  are  induced 
to  descend  from  our  present  proud  position  to  become  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Legislature,  or  ever  accumulate  sufficient  muscle, 
impudence,  and  taste  for  bad  liquor  to  go  to  Congress,  we 
shall  introduce  "  a  william "  for  the  suppression  of  Trouble- 
hunting.  We  know  Mss  Slinkins,  who  incessantly  frets 
because  Miss  Slurkins  is  better  harnessed  than  she  is,  won't 
like  it ;  and  we  presume  the  Simpkinses,  who  worry  so  much 
because  the  Perkinses  live  in  a  freestone-fronted  house  whilst 
theirs  is  only  plain  brick,  won't  like  it  also.  It  is  doubtful, 
too,  whether  our  long-haired  friends,  the  Reformers  (who 
think  the  macliinery  of  the  world  is  all  out  of  joint,  while  we 


5o8  DARK  DOINGS, 

think  it  only  needs  a  little  greasing  to  run  in  first-rate  style), 
will  approve  the  measure.  It  is  probable,  indeed,  that  very 
many  societies,  of  a  reformatory  (and  inflammatory)  character, 
would  frown  upon  the  measure.  But  the  measure  would  be  a 
good  one  nevertheless. 

Never  hunt  Trouble.  However  dead  a  shot  one  may  be,  the 
gun  he  carries  on  such  expeditions  is  sure  to  kick  or  go  off 
half-cocked.  Trouble  will  come  soon  enough,  and  when  he 
does  come,  receive  him  as  pleasantly  as  possible.  Like  the  tax- 
collector,  he  is  a  disagreeable  chap  to  have  in  one's  house,  but 
the  more  amiably  you  greet  him  the  sooner  he  will  go  away. 


XXIII. 

DARK  DOINGS. 


Four  promising  young  men  of  this  city  attended  a  ball  in  the 
rural  districts  not  long  since.  At  a  late  hour  they  retired, 
leaving  word  with  the  clerk  of  the  hotel  to  call  them  early  in 
the  morning,  as  they  wanted  to  take  the  first  train  home. 
The  clerk  was  an  old  friend  of  the  "  fellers,"  and  he  thought 
he  would  have  a  slight  joke  at  their  expense.  So  he  burnt 
some  cork,  and,  with  a  sponge,  blacked  the  faces  of  his  city 
friends  after  they  had  got  soundly  asleep.  In  the  morning  he 
called  them  about  ten  minutes  before  the  train  came  along. 
Feller  No.  1  awoke  and  laughed  boisterously  at  the  sight 
which  met  his  gaze.  But  he  saw  tlirough  it — the  clerk  had 
played  his  good  joke  on  his  three  comrades,  and  of  course  he 
would  keep  mum.  But  it  was  a  devilish  good  joke.  Feller 
No.  2  awoke,  saw  the  three  black  men  in  the  room,  compre- 
hended the  joke,  and  laughed  vociferously.  But  he  would 
keep  mum.  Fellers  No.  3  and  4  awoke,  and  experienced  the 
same  pleasant  feeling ;  and  there  was  the  beautiful  spectacle 
of  four  nice  young  men  laughing  heartily  one  at  another,  each 


A  HARD  CASE.  509 

one  supposing  the  "  urbane  clerk "  had  spared  him  in  his 
cork-daubing  operations.  They  had  only  time  to  dress  before 
the  train  arrived.  They  all  got  aboard,  each  thinking  what  a 
glorious  joke  it  was  to  have  his  three  companions  go  back  to 
town  with  black  faces.  The  idea  was  so  rich  that  they  all 
commenced  laughing  violently  as  soon  as  they  got  aboard  the 
cars.  The  other  passengers  took  to  laughing  also,  and  fun 
raged  fast  and  furious,  until  the  benevolent  baggage-man, 
seeing  how  matters  stood,  brought  a  small  pocket-glass  and 
handed  it  around  to  the  young  men.  They  suddenly  stopped 
laughing,  rushed  wildly  for  the  baggage- car,  washed  their 
faces,  and  amused  and  instructed  each  other  during  the  re- 
mainder of  the  trip  with  some  eloquent  flashes  of  silence. 


XXIV. 

A  HARD  CASE. 


We  have  heard  of  some  very  hard  cases  since  we  have  en- 
livened this  world  with  our  brilliant  presence.  We  once  saw 
an  able-bodied  man  chase  a  party  of  little  school-children,  and 
rob  them  of  their  dinners.  The  man  who  stole  the  coppers 
from  his  deceased  grandmother's  eyes  lived  in  our  neighbour- 
hood, and  we  have  read  about  the  man  who  went  to  church 
for  the  sole  purpose  of  stealing  the  testaments  and  hymn- 
books.  But  the  hardest  case  we  ever  heard  of  lived  in  Ar- 
kansas. He  was  only  fourteen  years  old.  One  night  he 
deliberately  murdered  his  father  and  mother  in  cold  blood, 
with  a  meat-axe.  He  was  tried  and  found  guilty.  The  Judge 
drew  on  his  black  cap,  and  in  a  voice  choked  with  emotion 
asked  the  young  prisoner  if  he  had  anything  to  say  before  the 
sentence  of  the  court  was  passed  on  him.  The  court-room 
was  densely  crowded,  and  there  was  not  a  dry  eye  in  the 
vast  assembly     The  youth  of  the  prisoner,  his  beauty  and 


510  REPORTERS. 

innocent  looks,  the  mild  lamblike  manner  in  which  he  had 
conducted  himself  during  the  trial — all,  all  had  thoroughly 
enlisted  the  sympathy  of  the  spectators,  the  ladies  in  parti- 
cular. And  even  the  Jury,  who  had  found  it  to  be  their  stern 
duty  to  declare  him  guilty  of  the  appalling  crime — even  the 
Jury  now  wept  aloud  at  this  awful  moment. 

"  Have  you  anything  to  say  % "  repeated  the  deeply -moved 
Judge. 

"  Why,  no,"  replied  the  prisoner,  "  I  think  I  haven't,  though 
I  hope  yer  Honour  will  show  some  consideration  for  the 
FEELINGS  OF  A  POOR  ORPHAN  ! " 

The  Judge  sentenced  the  perfect  young  wretch  without 
delay. 


XXV. 

REPORTERS.  <^ 

The  following  paragraph  is  going  the  rounds  : — "How  many 
a  great  man  is  now  basking  in  the  sunshine  of  fame  generously 
bestowed  upon  him  by  the  prolific  genius  of  some  reporter ! 
How  many  stupid  orations  have  been  made  brilliant,  how  many 
wandering,  pointless,  objectless  speeches  put  in  form  and  ren- 
dered at  least  readable,  by  the  unknown  reporter  !  How  many 
a  disheartened  speaker,  who  was  conscious  the  night  before  of 
a  failure,  before  a  thin,  cold,  spiritless  audience,  awakes 
delighted  to  learn  that  he  has  addressed  an  overwhelming 
assemblage  of  his  enthusiastic,  appreciating  fellow-citizens,  to 
find  his  speech  sparkling  with  'cheers,'  breaking  out  into 
*  immense  applause,'  and  concluding  amidst  '  the  wildest 
excitement !'" 

There  is  considerable  truth  in  the  above,  we  are  sorry  to 
state.  Eeporters  are  too  apt  to  smooth  over  and  give  a  fair 
face  to  the  stupidity  and  bombast  of  political  and  other  public 


HE  HAD  THE  LITTLE  VOUCHER.  511 

humbugs.  For  this  they  are  not  only  seldom  thanked,  but 
frequently  are  kicked.  Of  course  this  sort  of  thing  is  wrong. 
A  Reporter  should  be  independent  enough  to  meet  the  ap- 
proaches of  gentlemen  of  the  Nincompoop  persuasion  with  a 
flat  rebuff.  He  should  never  gloss  over  a  political  humbug, 
whether  he  belongs  to  "  our  side"  or  not.  He  is  not  thanked 
for  doing  it,  and,  furthermore,  he  loses  the  respect  and  confi- 
dence of  his  readers.  There  are  many  amiable  gentlemen 
ornamenting  the  various  walks  of  life  who  are  under  the 
impression  that  for  a  dozen  bad  cigars  or  a  few  drinks  of  worse 
whisky  they  can  purchase  the  "  opinion"  of  almost  any  Re- 
porter. It  has  been  our  pleasure  on  several  occasions  to  dis- 
abuse those  gentlemen  of  this  impression. 

Should  another  occasion  of  this  kind  ever  offer,  we  feel  that 
we  should  be  "adequate"  to  treat  it  in  a  smilar manner.  A 
Reporter,  we  modestly  submit,  is  as  good  as  anybody,  and 
ought  to  feel  that  he  is,  everywhere  and  at  all  times.  For 
one,  let  us  quietly  and  without  any  show  of  vanity  remark, 
that  we  are  not  only  just  as  good  as  anybody  else,  but  a  great 
deal  better  than  many  we  know  of.  We  love  God  and  hate 
Indians :  pay  our  debts ;  support  the  Constitution  of  the 
United  States ;  go  in  for  Progress,  Sunshine,  Calico,  and  other 
luxuries ;  are  perfectly  satisfied  and  happy,  and  wouldn't  swop 
"sits"  with  the  President,  Louis  Napoleon,  the  Emperor  of 
China,  Sultan  of  Turkey,  Brigham  Young,  or  Nicholas  Long- 
worth.     Success  to  us  1 


jQ^yj  Bancroft  library 


HE  HAD  THE  LITTLE  VOUCHER  IN  HIS  POCKET 

L lived  in  this  city  several  years  ago.    He  dealt  in  horses, 

carriages,  &c.     Hearing  of  a  good  chance  to  sell  buggies  up 
West,  he  embarked  with  a  lot  for  that  "  great "  country.     At 


512  HE  HAD  THE  LITTLE  VOUCHER. 

Toledo  he  took  a  Michigan  Southern  train.  Somebody  had, 
by  way  of  a  joke,  warned  him  against  the  conductor  of  that 
particular  train,  telling  him  that  said  conductor  had  an  eccen- 
tric way  of  taking  up  tickets  at  the  beginning  of  the  journey, 
and  of  denying  that  he  had  done  so  and  demanding  fare  at  the 
end  thereof.  This  the  confiding  L swallowed.  He  deter- 
mined not  to  be  swindled  in  this  way,  and  so  when  the  con- 
ductor came  around  and  asked  him  for  his  ticket  he  declined 
giving  it  up.     The  conductor  insisted.     L still  refused. 

"  I  've  got  the  little  voucher  in  my  pocket,"  he  said,  with 
a  knowing  look,  slily  slapping  the  pocket  which  contained 
the  ticket. 

The  conductor  glanced  at  L 's  stalwart  frame.     He  had 

heard  L spoken  of  as  a  fighting  man.     He  preferred  not 

to  grapple  with  him.     The  train  was  a  light  one,  and  it  so 

happened  that  L was  the  only  man  in  this,  the  hind  car. 

So  the  conductor  had  the  train  stopped,  and  quietly  unhitched 
this  car. 

"  Good  day,  Mr  L ,"  he  yelled;  "just  keep  that  little 

voucher  in  your  pocket,  and  be  d d  to  you  ! " 

L jumped  up  and  saw  the  other  cars  moving  rapidly 

away.  He  was  left  solitary  and  alone  in  a  dismal  piece  of 
woods  known  as  the  Black  Swamp.  He  remained  there  in 
the  car  until  night,  when  the  down-train  came  along  and  took 
him  to  Toledo.  He  had  to  pay  fare,  his  up  through-ticket  not 
being  good  on  that  train.  His  buggies  had  gone  unattended 
to  Chicago.  He  was  very  angry.  He  finally  got  through,  but 
he  will  never  hear  the  last  of  that  **  little  voucher." 


THE  GENTLEMANLY  CONDUCTOR,  513 

XXVII. 

THE  GENTLEMANLY  CONDUCTOR. 

Few  have  any  idea  of  the  trials  and  tribulations  of  the  railway 
conductor — "  the  gentlemanly  conductor,"  as  one-horse  newe- 
papers  delight  in  styling  him.  Unless  you  are  gifted  with  the 
patience  of  the  lamented  Job,  who,  tradition  informs  us,  had 
"  biles  "  all  over  his  body,  and  didn't  swear  once,  never  go  for 
a  Conductor,  me  boy  ! 

The  other  evening  we  enlivened  a  railroad  car  with  out 
brilliant  presence.  Starting  time  was  not  quite  up,  and  the 
passengers  were  amusing  themselves  by  laughing,  swearing, 
singing,  and  talking,  according  to  their  particular  fancy.  The 
Conductor  came  in,  and  the  following  were  a  few  of  the  ques- 
tions put  to  him  : — One  old  fellow,  who  was  wrapped  up  in  a 
horse-blanket,  and  who  apparently  had  about  two  pounds  of 
pigtail  in  his  mouth,  wanted  to  know  "  What  pint  of  compass 
the  keers  was  travellin  in  1 "  An  old  lady,  surrounded  by 
band-boxes  and  enveloped  in  flannels,  wanted  to  know  what 
time  the  eight  o'clock  train  left  Eock  Island  for  "  Dubu-kue  ? " 
A  carroty-haired  young  man  wanted  to  know  if  "  free  omyi- 
buses  "  ran  from  the  cars  to  the  taverns  in  Toledo  %  A  tall, 
razor-faced  individual,-  evidently  from  the  interior  of  Connecti- 
cut, desired  to  know  if  "  conductin  "  paid  as  well  eout  West  as 
it  did  deoun  in  his  country ;  and  a  portly,  close-shaven  man, 
with  round  keen  eyes,  and  in  whose  face  you  could  read  the 
interest- table,  asked  the  price  of  comer  lots  in  Omaha.  These 
and  many  other  equally  absurd  questions  the  conductor  an- 
swered calmly  and  in  a  resigned  manner.  And  we  shuddered 
as  we  thought  how  he  would  have  to  answer  a  similar  string 
of  questions  in  each  of  the  three  cars  ahead. 


2K 


514  ARTEMUS  WARD 

XXVIII. 

A.  WARD  AMONG  THE  MORMONS. — REPORTED  BY  HIMSELF — OR 
SOMEBODY  ELSE. 

[The  following  rough  report  of  Artemus  "Ward's  Lecture  in  California 
appeared  in  the  San  Francisco  Era,  during  the  lecturer's  visit  to  that  city. 
It  has  been  thought  worthy  of  preservation  in  the  form  of  a  supplementary 
[taper  to  the  present  little  volume.] 

Feller-Citizens  and  Feller-Citizenesses, — I  feel  truly  glad 
to  see  you  here  to-night,  more  especially  those  who  have  paid, 
although  I  am  too  polite  to  say  how  many  are  here  who  have 
not  paid,  but  who  take  a  base  advantage  of  the  good-nature  of 
my  friend  and  manager,  Hingston,  bothering  him  to  give  them 
free  tickets,  gratis,  and  also  for  nothing ;  and  my  former  friend 
and  manager,  Eosenberg,  assures  me  that  the  best  way  to  pre- 
vent a  person  from  enjoying  any  entertainment  is  to  admit 
them  without  the  equivalent  spondulics.  What  a  man  gets 
for  nothing  he  don't  care  for. 

Talking  of  free  tickets,  my  first  lecture  was  a  wonderful 
success — house  so  full  that  everybody  who  could  pay  turned 
from  the  doors.     It  happened  thus  : — 

Walking  about  Salt  Lake  City  on  the  morning  before  the 
lecture,  I  met  Elder  Kimball.  Well,  I  most  imprudently  gave 
him  a  family  ticket.  That  ticket  filled  the  house,  and  left 
about  a  dozen  of  the  young  Kimballs  howling  in  the  cold. 
After  that  I  limited  my  family  tickets  to  "  Admit  Elder  Jones, 
ten  -wives,  and  thirty  children." 

You  may  perhaps  be  astonished  that  I,  a  rather  fascinating 
bachelor,  escaped  from  Salt  Lake  City  without  the  loss  of  my 
innocence.  Well  I  will  confess,  confidentially,  that  was  only 
by  the  skin  of  my  teeth,  and  thanks  to  the  virtuous  lectur- 
ing of  my  friend  Hingston,  whose  British  prejudices  against 


AMONG  THE  MORMONS.  515 

Bigamy,  Trigamy,  and  Brighamy,  saying  nothing  of  Ninnyga- 
vigamy,  could  not  be  overcome. 

My  narrowest  escape  was  this  : — 

About  six  hours  before  I  arrived  an  elder  died.  I  think  his 
name  was  Smith.  You  may  have  heard  that  name  before;  but 
it  isn't  the  Smith  you  know — it  is  quite  another  Smith.  "Well, 
this  defunct  elder  left  a  small  assortment  of  wives  behind  him 
— I  think  there  were  seventeen — of  all  ages,  from  seventeen 
to  seventy.  This  miscellaneous  gathering  included  three  grand- 
mothers, a  fact  which  lent  a  venerable  sanctity  to  the  affair.  I 
received  an  invitation — I  went — and  was  introduced  to  the 
whole  seventeen  widows  at  once.  Sam  Weller  or  Dr  Shelton 
Mackenzie — I  forget  which — says,  "One  widow  is  dangerous;" 
but,  perhaps,  there  is  safety  in  a  multitude  of  them.  All  I 
know  is,  that  they  made  the  tenderest  appeals  to  me,  as  a  man 
and  a  brother ;  but  I  threw  myself  upon  their  mercy — I  told 
them  I  was  far  away  from  my  parents  and  my  Sainted  Maria, 
and  that  I  was  a  good  young  man ;  and  finally,  I  begged  to 
know  if  their  intentions  were  honourable  ? 

One  said  : 

"Young  man,  dash  not  the  cup  of  happiness  from  your 
life!" 

I  said : 

"  I  have  no  objection  to  a  cup,  but  I  cannot  stand  an  entire 
hogshead ! " 

They  grew  more  and  more  tender  —  two  put  their  arms 
around  me  and  pinioned  me,  while  the  other  fifteen  drew  large 
shears  from  their  pockets,  and,  under  pretence  of  getting  a  lock 
of  hair  for  each,  they  left  me  as  bare  as  a  goose-egg.  Indians 
couldn't  have  scalped  me  closer.  I  made  Samson-like,  my 
escape  from  these  Delilahs  by  stratagem.  I  assured  them  that 
I  was  sickening  for  the  measles,  which,  Uke  love,  is  always  the 
more  fatal  the  later  it  comes  in  life.  I  also  told  them  that  my 
friend  Kingston  was  a  much  better  looking  man  than  I  was ; 
also  that  he  was  an  EngUshman,  and  that,  accordiug  to  that 


Si6  ARTEMUS  WARD 

nation's  creed,  every  Englishman  is  equal  to  five  Americans 
and  five  hundred  Frenchmen :  consequently  there  would  be 
some  to  spare  of  him.  This  happy  thought  saved  me.  I  was 
let  off  upon  solemnly  promising  to  deliver  Kingston  into  their 
arms,  bound,  Laocoon-like,  by  the  serpent  spells  of  their  charms, 
or,  like  Eegulus,  potted  and  preserved  in  a  barrel  of  finger- 
nails, for  their  especial  scratching. 

Hingston,  little  dreaming  of  the  sale  I  had  made  of  him, 
went  on  the  pretended  errand  of  conveying  to  these  seventeen 
beauties  a  farewell  bouquet.  Poor  fellow  !  that  is  the  last  I 
ever  saw  of  him — he  was  never  heard  of  again. 

The  gentleman  who  acts  as  my  manager  is  somebody  else. 
I  must  ask  the  indulgence  of  the  audience  for  twenty  minutes, 
while  I  drop  a  few  tears  to  his  memory.  (Here  Artemus  holds 
his  head  over  a  barrel,  and  the  distinct  dripping  of  a  copious 
shower  is  heard.) 

As  I  ■  feel  a  little  better,  I  will  recommence  my  lecture — I 
don't  mean  to  defend  Mormonism — indeed,  I  have  no  hesita- 
tion in  aflBrming,  and  I  afiirm  it  boldly,  and  I  would  repeat  the 
observation  to  my  own  wife's  face,  if  I  had  one,  but  as  I  haven't 
one,  I'll  say  it  boldly  to  every  other  man's  wife,  that  I  don't 
think  it  wise  to  marry  more  than  one  wife  at  a  time,  without 
it  is  done  to  oblige  the  ladies,  and  then  it  should  be  done 
sparingly,  and  not  oftener  than  three  times  a  day,  for  the 
marriage  ceremony  isn't  lightly  to  be  repeated.  But  I  want  to 
tell  you  what  Brigham  Young  observed  to  me. 

"  Artemus,  my  boy,"  said  he,  "  you  don't  know  how  often 
a  man  marries  against  his  will.  Let  me  recite  one  case  out  of 
a  hundred  that  has  happened  to  myself.  About  three  months 
ago  a  family  arrived  here — they  were  from  Hoboken — every- 
body knows  how  beautiful  the  Jersey  girls  are — with  the  ex- 
ception of  applejack,  they  are  the  nicest  things  Jersey  produces. 
Well,  this  family  consisted  of  four  daughters,  a  mother  and 
two  grandmothers,  one  with  teeth,  the  other  without.  I  took 
a  fancy  to  the  youngest  of  the  girls,  and  proposed.     After  coii- 


AMONG  THE  MORMONS.  517 

siderable  reflection  she  said  :  '  I  can't  think  of  marrjring  you 
without  you  marry  my  three  sisters  as  well.' 

"  After  some  considerable  hesitation  I  agreed,  and  went  to 
the  girl's  mother  for  her  consent : — *  No  objection  to  your 
marrying  my  four  girls,  but  you  '11  have  to  take  me  as  well.' 
After  a  little  reflection,  I  consented,  and  went  to  the  two 
grandmothers  for  their  consent : — *  No  objection,'  said  the  old 
dames  in  a  breath,  *  but  you'll  have  to  marry  us  as  welL  We 
cannot  think  of  separating  the  family.'  After  a  little  cosy 
hesitation  on  my  part,  I  finally  agreed  to  swallow  the  two  old 
venerable  antiquities  as  a  soct  of  sauce  to  the  other  five." 

Under  these  circumstances,  who  can  wonder  at  Brigham 
Young  being  the  most  highly  married  man  in  the  Republic  ? 
In  a  word,  he  is  too  much  married — indeed,  if  I  were  he,  I 
should  say  two  hundred  and  too  much  married. 

As  I  see  my  esteemed  friend  Joe  Whitton,  of  Niblo's  Garden, 
sitting  right  before  me,  I  will  give  him  an  anecdote  which  he 
will  appreciate.  There  is  considerable  barter  in  Salt  Lake 
City — horses  and  cows  are  good  for  hundred-dollar  greenbacks, 
while  pigs,  dogs,  cats,  babies,  and  pickaxes  are  the  fractional 
currency.  I  dare  say  my  friend  Joe  Whitton  would  be  as  much 
astonished  as  I  was  after  my  first  lecture.  Seeing  a  splendid 
house  I  naturally  began  to  reckon  my  spondulics.  Full  of  this 
Pactolean  vision,  I  went  into  my  treasurer's  room. 

"  Now,  Hingston,  my  boy,  let  us  see  what  the  proceeds  are! 
We  shall  soon  make  a  fortune  at  this  rate." 

Hingston  with  the  solemnity  of  a  cashier,  then  read  the  pro- 
ceeds of  the  lecture  : — 

*'  Three  cows,  one  with  horns,  and  two  without,  but  not  a 
stumptail ;  fourteen  pigs,  alive  and  grunting ;  seventeen  hams, 
sugar  cured  ;  three  babies  in  arms,  two  of  them  cutting  their 
teeth,  and  the  other  sickening  with  the  chicken-coop,  or  some 
such  disease."  There  were  no  end  of  old  hats,  ladies'  hoops, 
corsets,  and  another  article  of  clothing,  generally  stolen  from 
the  husband.      There  was  also  a  secondhand   coffin,  three 


5i8  A.  WARD  AMONG  THE  MORMONS, 

barrels  of  turnips,  and  a  peck  of  coals  ;  there  was  likewise  a 
footless  pair  of  stockings  without  the  legs,  and  a  pair  of  em- 
broidered gaiters,  a  little  worn.  If  I  could  find  the  legs  be- 
longing to  them — well,  I  won't  say  what  I'd  do  now — but 
leav<}  all  ladies  in  that  pleasing  state  of  expectation  which  is 
trL:<5  happiness.  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  my  lecture  is  done — if 
yiiA  refuse  to  leave  the  hall,  you  '11  be  forcibly  ejected. 


niiL  KNa 


PRINTED  BV  BALLANTYNE,  HANSON  AND  CO. 
EDINBURGH  AND  LONDON 


iOctobmr,  1884. 


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Conway  (Moncure  D.),  Works 

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The  Seamy  Side. 

The  Ten  Years'  Tenant. 

The  Chaplain  of  the  Fleet. 
BY   WALTER  BESANT. 

All  Sorts  and  Conditions  of  Men. 

The  Captains'  Room. 

Ml  in  a  Garden  Fair. 

Dorothy  Forster. 

BY  ROBERT  BUCHANAN, 

A  Child  of  Nature. 

God  and  the  Man. 

The  Shadow  of  the  Sword. 

The  Martyrdom  of  Madeline. 

Love  Me  for  Ever. 

Annan  Water. 

The  New  Abelard. 
BY  MRS.  H.  LOVETT  CAMERON. 

Deceivers  Ever.  |  Juliet's  Guardian. 


BY  MORTIMER  COLLINS. 
Sweet  Anne  Page. 
Transmigration. 
From  Midnight  to  Midnight. 
MORTIMER  &  FRANCES  COLLINS, 
Blacksmith  and  Scholar. 
The  Village  Comedy. 
You  Play  me  False. 

BY  WILKIE  COLLINS. 


New  Magdalen. 
The  Frozen  Deep. 
The  Law  and  the 

Lady. 
TheTwo  Destinies 
Haunted  Hotel. 
The  Fallen  Leaves 
Jezebel'sDaughter 
The  Black  Robe. 
Heart  and  Science 


Antonina. 
Basil. 

Hide  and  Seek. 
The  Dead  Secret. 
Queen  of  Hearts. 
My  Miscellanies. 
Woman  in  White. 
The  Moonstone. 
Man  and  Wife. 
Poor  Miss  Finch. 
Miss  or  Mrs.  P 

BY  BUTTON  COOK. 

Paul  Foster's  Daughter 

BY   WILLIAM  CYPLES. 

Hearts  of  Gold. 

BY  A LPHONSE  DA UDET, 

Port  Salvation. 

BY  JAMES  DE  MILLS, 
A  Castle  in  Spain. 

BY  J.  LEITH  DERWENT. 
Our  Lady  of  Tears.  1  Circe'e  Lover* 


s8 


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Piccadilly  Novels,  eoniinucA— 

Piccadilly  Novels,  c^nHnued— 

BY  M.  BETHAM-EDWARDS. 

BY  E.  LYNN  LINTON. 

FellcSa.                  |    Kitty. 

Patricia  Kembali. 

BY  MRS.  ANNIE  EDWARDE5. 
Archie  Lovell. 

Atonement  of  Learn  Dundas. 
The  World  Well  Lost 
Under  which  Lord  ? 

BY  R.  E.  FRANCILLON. 

With  a  Silken  Thread. 

0^ymp^a.                1     One  by  On^ 

The  Rebel  of  the  Family 

Queen  Cophetua.  1     A  Real  Queea 

"My  Level"           |    lone. 

Prefaced  by  Sir  BARTLE  FRERE. 

BY  HENRY  W.  LUCY. 

Pandurang  HarL 

Gideon  Fleyce. 

BY  EDWARD  GARRETl, 

BY  JUSTIN  McCARTHS,  M.P. 

The  Capel  Girls. 

The  Waterdale  Neighbours. 

BY  CHARLES  GIBBOU, 

My  Enemy's  Daughter. 

Robin  Gray. 

Llnley  Rochford.   |    A  Fair  Saxon 

For  Lack  of  Gold. 

Dear  Lady  Disdain. 

In  Love  and  War. 

Miss  Misanthrope. 

What  will  the  World  Say  f 

i:>onna  Quixote. 

For  the  King. 

The  Comet  of  a  Season. 

In  Honour  Bound 

Maid  of  Athens. 

Queen  of  the  IVIeadow. 

BY  GEORGE  MAC  DONALD,  LL.D 

In  Pastures  Green. 

Paul  Faber,  Surgeon. 

The  Flower  of  the  Forest. 

Thomas  WIngfold,  Curate. 

A  Heart's  Problem. 

BY  MRS.  MACDONELL. 

The  Braes  of  Yarrow, 

Quaker  Cousins. 

The  Golden  Shaft 

BY  KATHARINE  S.  MACQUOID. 

Of  High  Degree. 

Lost  Rose.            1      The  Evil  Eye. 

Fancy  Free. 

BY  FLORENCE  MARRY  AT. 

Loving  a  Dream. 

Open  1  Sesame  1    |    Written  In  FIpo 

BY  THOMAS  HARDY. 

BY  JEAN  MIDDLE  MASS. 

Under  the  Greenwood  Tree. 

Touch  and  Go. 

BY  JULIAN  HAWTHORNE. 

BY  D.  CHRISTIE  MURRA  Y. 

Garth. 

Life's  Atonement.      Coals  of  FIro. 

ElMce  Quentln. 

Joseph's  Coat.             Val  Stranga 

Sebastian  Strome. 

A  Model  Father.          Hearts. 

Prince  Saronl's  Wife. 

By  the  Gate  of  the  Sea. 

Dust.                    1   Fortune's  Fool. 

The  Way  of  the  World. 

Beatrix  Randolph. 

BY  MRS.  OLIPHANT. 

BY  SIR  A.  HELPS. 

Whiteladies. 

Ivan  de  BIron. 

BY  MARGARET  A.  PAUL. 

BY  MRS.  ALFRED  HUNT, 

Gentle  and  Simple. 

Thomlcroft' 8  Model. 

BY  JAMES  PAYN. 

The  Leaden  Casket 

Lost  Sir  Masslng- 

Carlyon's  Year 

Self  Condemned. 

berd. 
Best  of  Husbands 

A     Confidential 
Agent. 

BY  JEAN  INGELOW, 

Fallen  Fortunes. 

From  Exile. 

Fated  to  be  Free. 

Halves. 

A   Grape  from   • 

BY  HARRIETT  JAY. 

Walter's  Word. 

Thorn. 

The  Queen  of  Connaught. 

What  He  Cost  Her 

For  Cash  Only. 

The  Dark  Colleen. 

Less    Black  than 
We're  Painted. 

Some     Private 
Views. 

BY  HENRY  KINGSLEY, 

By  Proxy. 

Kit :  A  Memory. 

Number  Seventeea 

High  Spirits. 

The        Canon'* 

Oakshott  Cast  la. 

Under  One  Roof. 

Ward. 

CHATTO  *   WJNDUS,  PICCADILLY. 


29 


PiccADiLLT  Novels,  continutd— 
BY  E.  C.  PRICE. 
Valentino.  |   The  Foreigner*. 

Mre.  Lancaster**  Rival. 
BY  CHARLES  READE,  D.CJ., 
It  Is  Never  Too  Late  to  Mend. 
Hard  Cash.         |    Peg  Wofflngton. 
Christie  Johnstone. 
Grifflth  Gaunt.  |     Foul  Play. 
The  Double  Marriage. 
Love  Me  Little,  Love  Me  Long. 
The  Cloister  and  the  Hearth- 
The  Course  of  True  Love. 
The  Autobiography  of  a  Thief. 
Put  Yourself  In  His  Place. 
A  Terrible  Temptation. 
The  Wandering  Heir.  |  A  Simpleton. 
A  Woman-Hater.         |  Readlano. 

BY  MRS.  J.  H.  RIDDELL. 
Her  Mother's  Darling. 
Prince  of  Wales's  Gtu^len-Party. 
Weird  Stories. 

BY  F.  W.  ROBINSON. 
Women  are  Strange. 
The  Hands  of  Justice. 

BY  JOHN  SAUNDERS. 
Bound  to  the  Wheel. 
Guy  Waterman.  |  Two  Dreamers. 
One  Against  the  World. 
The  Lion  In  the  Path. 
BY  KATHARINE  SAUNDERS, 
Joan  Merryweather. 
Margaret  and  Elizabeth. 
Gideon's  Rock.       |  The  High  Mills. 


Piccadilly  Novell,  continued^ 
BY  T.   W.  SPEIGHT. 
The  MyEterles  of  Heron  Dyka. 

BY  R.  A.  STERNDALE. 
The  Afghan  Knife. 

BY  BERTHA  THOMAS, 
Proud  Malsle.  |  Cressldo. 
The  Violin  Player. 

BY  ANTHONY  TROLLOPS, 
The  Way  we  Live  Now. 
The  American  Senator 
Frau  Frohmann.  I  Marlon  Fay. 
Kept  in  the  Dark. 
Mr.  Scarborough's  Family. 
The  Land  Leaguers. 

BY  FRANCES  E.  TROLLOPS. 
Like  Ships  upon  the  Sea. 
Anne  Furness. 
Mabel's  Progress. 

BY  T.  A.  TROLLOPS. 
Diamond  Cut  Diamond 
By  IVAN  TURGENIEFF  and  Othtn 
Stories  from  Foreign  Novelists. 

BY  SARAH  TYTLER. 
What  She  Came  Through. 
The  Bride's  Pass. 
Saint  Mungo's  City. 

BY  C.C.  FRASBR-TYTLER. 
Mistress  Judith. 

BY  3.  S.  WINTER. 
Cavalry  Life. 
Regimental  Legends. 


CHEAP   EDITIONS   OF 

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By  MRS.  ALEXANDER. 
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BY  SHELSLEY  BEAUCHAMP. 
Grantley  Grange. 

BY  W.  BESANT  &  JAMES  RICE, 
Ready-Money  Mortlboy. 
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The  Monks  of  Thelema. 

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The  Chaplain  of  the  Fleet. 
By  WALTER  BESANT. 

All  Sorts  and  Conditions  of 

The  Captains'  Room. 

BY  FREDERICK  BOYLE. 

Camp  Notes.     |     Savage  Lifa. 
BY  BRET  HARTE. 

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Cheap  Popular  Novels,  continued— 

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The  Shadow  of  the  Sword. 

Bella  Donna.   I  Never  Forgotten. 

A  Child  of  NatHPe. 

The  Second  Mrs.  Tillotson. 

God  and  the  Man. 

Polly. 

The  Martyrdom  of  Madeline. 

Seventy-flve  Brooke  Street. 

Love  Me  for  Ever. 

The  Lady  of  Brantome. 

•      BY  MRS.  BURNETT. 

BY  ALBANY  DE  FONBLANQUB. 

Surly  Tim. 

Filthy  Lucre. 

BY  MRS.  LOVETT  CAMERON. 

BY  R.  E.  FRANCILLON. 

Deceivers  Ever.  I  Juliet's  Guardian. 

Olympia.             I   Queen  Cophotua. 

BY  M  ACL  A  REN  COBBAN. 

One  by  One. 

The  Cure  of  Souls. 

Prefaced  by  Sir  H.  BARTLE  FRERE. 

BY  C.  ALLSTON  COLLINS, 

Pandurang  Harl. 

The  Bar  Sinister. 

BY  HAIN  FRISWELL. 

BY  WILKIE  COLLINS. 

One  of  Two. 

Antonlna. 

Miss  or  Mrs.  •> 

BY  EDWARD  GARRETT 

Basil. 

The  New   Magda- 

The Capel  Girls. 

Hide  and  Seek. 

len. 

BY  CHARLES  GIBBON. 

The  Dead  Secret. 

The  Frozen  Deep. 

Robin  Gray. 

Queen  of  the  Mea- 

Queen of  Hearts. 

Law  and  the  Lady. 

For  Lack  of  Gold. 

dow. 

My  Miscellanies. 

TheTwo  Destinies 

What     will      the 

In  Pastures  Green 

Woman  In  White. 

Haunted  Hotel. 

World  Say? 

The  Flower  of  the 

The  Moonstone. 

The  Fallen  Leaves. 

In  Honour  Bound. 

Forest. 

Man  and  Wife. 

Jezebel'sDaughter 

The  Dead  Heart. 

A  Heart's  Problem 

Poor  Miss  Finch. 

The  Black  Robe. 

In  Love  and  War. 

The  Braes  of  Yar- 

BY MORTIMER  COLLINS. 

For  the  King. 

row. 

Sweet  Anne  Page. 

BY  WILLIAM  GILBERT, 

Transmigration. 

Dr.  Austin's  Guests. 

From  Midnight  to  Midnight. 

The  V/izard  of  the  Mountain. 

A  Fight  with  Fortune. 

James  Duke. 

MORTIMER  &  FRANCES  COLLINS. 

BY  yAMES  GREENWOOD. 

Sweet  and  Twenty.  |     Frances. 

Dick  Temple. 

Blacksmith  and  Scholar. 

BY  ANDREW  HALLIDAY. 

The  Village  Comedy. 

Every  Day  Papers. 

You  Play  me  False. 

BY  LADY  DUFFUS  HARDY.     • 

BY  BUTTON  COOK. 

Paul  Wynter's  Sacrifice. 

Leo.            1  Paul  Foster's  Daughter. 

BY  THOMAS  HARDY. 

BY  J.  LEITH  DERWENT. 

Under  the  Greenwood  Tree. 

Our  Lady  of  Tears. 

BY  JULIAN  HAWTHORNE. 

BY  CHARLES  DICKENS. 

Garth.                    |  Sebastian  Stroma 

Sketches  by  Boz. 

Elllce  Quentln.      |  Dust. 

The  Pickwick  Papers. 

Prince  Saronl's  Wife. 

Oliver  Twist. 

BY  SIR  ARTHUR  HELPS, 

Nicholas  NIckleby. 

Ivan  de  BIron. 

BY  MRS.  ANNIE  EDWARDES. 

BY  TOM  HOOD. 

A  Point  of  Honour.  ]    Archie  Lovell. 

A  Golden  Heart. 

BY  M.  BETHAM'EDWARDS, 

BY  MRS.  GEORGE  HOOPER, 

Felicia.                  i        Kitty. 

The  House  of  Raby. 

BY  EDWARD  EGGLESTON. 

BY  VICTOR  HUGO. 

Roxy. 

The  Hunchback 

of  Notre  Dame.     ' 

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31 


Cheap  Popular  Novels,  continued-^ 

BY  MRS.  ALFRED  HUNT. 
Thopnicroft's  Model. 
The  Leaden  Casket. 
Self-Condemned. 

BY  JEAN  INGELOW. 
Fated  to  be  Free. 

BY  HARRIETT  JAY, 
The  Dark  Colleen. 
The  Queen  of  Connaught. 

BY  HENRY  KINGSLEY. 
'lakshott  Castle.  |  Number  Seventeen 

BY  E.  LYNN  LINTON, 
Patricia  Kemball. 
The  Atonement  of  Learn  Dundas. 
The  World  Well  Lost. 
Under  which  Lord  ? 
With  a  Silken  Thread. 
The  Rebel  of  the  Family. 
"My  Love!" 

BY  HENRY  W.  LUCY. 
Gideon  Fieyce. 

BY  JUSTIN  MCCARTHY,  M.P, 
Dear  Lady  Disdain. 
The  Waterdale  Neighbour* 
My  Enemy's  Daughter. 
A  Fair  Saxon. 
Linley  Rochford. 
Miss  Misanthrope. 
Donna  Quixote. 
The  Comet  of  a  Season. 

BY  GEORGE  MACDONALD. 
Paul  Faber,  Surgeon. 
Thomas  Wingfold,  Curate. 

BY  MRS.  MACDONELL, 
Quaker  Cousins. 

BY  KATHARINE  S.  MACQUOID. 
The  Evil  Eye.         |     Lost  Rose. 

BY  W.  H.  MALLOCK. 
The  New  Republic. 

BY  FLORENCE  MARRYAT. 

Open!  Sesame!     1  A  Little  Stepson. 

A  Harvest  of  Wild    Fighting  the  Air. 

Oats.  I  Written  in  Fire. 

BY  J.  MASTERMANi 
Half-a-dozen  Daughters. 

BY  JEAN  MIDDLEMASS. 
Touch  and  Ga      |     Mr.  Dorllllon. 


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BY  D.  CHRISTIE  MURRAY. 
A  Life's  Atonement. 
A  Model  Father. 
Joseph's  Coat. 
Coals  of  Fire. 
By  the  Gate  of  the  Sea. 

BY  MRS.  OLIFHANT. 
Whiteladies. 

BY  MRS.  ROBERT  O'REILLY. 
Phoebe's  Fortunes. 

BV  QUID  A. 
Held  In  Bondage,  t  TwoLittleWooden 
!     Shoes. 


Strath  more. 

Chandos. 

Under  Two  Flags. 

Idalla. 

Cecil    Castie- 

malne. 
Tricotrln. 
Puck. 

Folle  Farlne. 
A  Dog  of  Flanders. 
Pascarel. 


SIgna. 

In  a  Winter  City. 

Ariadne. 

Friendship. 

Moths. 

PIpistrello. 

A   Village  Com 

mune. 
Bimbi. 
In  Maremma. 

BY  MARGARET  AGNES  PAUL. 
Gentle  and  Simple. 

BY  JAMES  PAYN. 


Lost  Sir  Massing- 
berd. 

A    Perfect    Trea- 
sure. 

Bentlnck's  Tutor. 

Murphy's  Meister. 

A  County  Family. 

At  Her  Mercy. 

A  Woman's  Ven- 
geance. 

Cecil's  Tryst. 

Clyffards  of  Clyffe 

The  Family  Scape- 
grace. 

Foster  Brothers. 

Found  Dead. 

Best  of  Husbands 

Walter's  Word. 

Halves. 

Fallen  Fortunes. 

What  He  Cost  Her 

Humorous  Stories 

Gwendoline's  Har- 
vest. 


Like  Father,  Like 

Son. 
A    Marine   Resi- 
dence. 
Married   Beneath 

Him. 
Mirk  Abbey. 
Not    Wooed,    but 

Won. 
£200  Reward. 
Less    Black    than 

We're  Painted. 
By  Proxy. 
Under  One  Roof. 
High  Spirits. 
Carlyon's  Year. 
A    Confidential 

Agent. 
Some     Private 

Views. 
From  Exile. 
A   Grape   from   • 

Thorn. 
For  Cash  Only. 


BY  EDGAR  A.  FOE. 
The  Mystery  of  Marie  Roget. 


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Valentino. 

Tales  for  the  Marines. 

BY  CHARLES  READS. 

BY  T.  ADOLPHUS  TROLLOPE. 

It  Is  Never  Too  Lata  to  Mend. 

Diamond  Cut  Diamond. 

Hard  Cash. 

BY  ANTHONY  TROLLOPS. 

Peg  Wofflngton. 

The  Way  We  Live  Now. 

Christie  Johnstona. 

The  American  Senator. 

Gplfflth  Gaunt. 

Frau  Frohmann. 

Put  Yourself  in  His  Plaoa. 

Marlon  Fay 

The  Double  Marriage. 

Kept  in  the  Oarlc. 

Love  Me  Little,  Love  Me  Long. 

By  FRANCES  ELEANOR  TROLLOPE 

Foul  Play. 

Like  Ships  upon  the  Sea. 

The  Cloister  and  the  Hearth. 
The  Course  of  True  Love. 

BY  MARK  TWAIN. 
Tom  Sawyer. 

Autobiography  of  a  Thief. 

An  Idle  Excursion. 

A  Terrible  Temptation. 

A  Pleasure  Trip  on  the  Continent 

The  Wandering  Heir. 

of  Europe. 

A  Simpleton. 

A  Tramp  Abroad. 

A  Woman  Hateff. 

The  Stolen  White  Elephant. 

Readiana. 

BY  SARAH  TYTLER, 

BY  MRS.  J.  H.  RIDDELL, 

What  She  Came  Through. 

Her  Mother's  Darling. 

The  Bride's  Pass. 

Prince  of  Wales's  Garden  Party. 

BY  J.  S.  WINTER. 

BY  F.  W.  ROBINSON, 

Cavalry  Life.  |  Regimental  Legend* 

Women  are  Strange. 

BY  LADY  WOOD, 

Sablna. 

BY  BAYLE  ST.  ^OHN, 
A  Levantine  Family. 

BY  EDMUND  YATES. 
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BY  GEORGE  AUGUSTUS  SAL  A. 

Land  at  Last. 

Gaslight  and  Daylight. 

ANONYMOUS. 

BY  JOHN  SAUNDERS. 

Paul  Ferroll. 

Bound  <o  the  Wheel. 

Why  Paul  Ferroll  Killed  his  Wife. 

One  Against  the  World. 

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Guy  Waterman. 

The  Lion  In  the  Path. 

Jeff  Brlggs's  Love  Story.    By  Bret 
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A  Match  in  the  Dark. 

Bret  Harts. 
Mrs.  Gainsborough's  Diamonds.  By 
Julian  Hawthorne. 

BY  T.  W.  SPEIGHT, 

Kathleen  Mavourneen.    By  Author 

The  Mysteries  of  Heron  Dyktb 

of  ••  That  Lass  o'  Lowrie's." 

Lindsay's  Luck.     By  the  Author  of 

BY  R.  A.  STERN  DALE. 

"Thatr^.sso'Lowrie's.'» 

The  Afghan  Knife. 

Pretty   Polly   Pemberton.     By  the 

Author  of  "That  Lass  o'  Lowrie's." 

Trooping  with   Crows.      By   Mrs. 

PiRKIS. 

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Mew  Arabian  Nights. 

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Graham. 

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Esther's  Glove.  By  R.  E.  Francillon. 

BY  W.  MOY  THOMAS, 

The  Garden  that   Paid  th«  Rent 

A  Fight  for  Life. 

By  Tom  Jerrolo. 

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